Earth Too: Society #22

What the fuck is going on with Flash's stomach?! That's Observational Comedy 101! I don't actually say anything funny. I just point out that I noticed something!

At the end of the last issue, Batdick was killed. That's probably a good thing because nobody needs a Dick Grayson on Earth Too: The Rebirthening. Ultra-Humanite was also killed by Green Lantern which is not a good thing because nobody in any lousy circle that has ever allowed me to be a part of their circle has ever clamored for an Alan Scott that murders. On the plus side, Vicente Cifuentes drew big tits on every female character. And he's drawing this issue too!

This was my favorite roleplaying game: Small Eyes, Big Tits!

This issue takes place six months after last issue ended. Power Girl seems happy and big titted (like usual). Actually, based on the size of tits that Vicente loves to draw, Power Girl's tits are just average! Her main super power (according to Comic Vine) is Big Old Titties (just after Wind Bursts). I suppose I'm being too critical. What do I know about the laws of physics on Earth Too: The Rebirthening?!

Power Girl is flying around Metropolis Too while think-speaking to America. At first I just thought she was thinking to herself but when she's interrupted by a report of a robbery in progress, she thinks, "Oh, one sec." You don't say that if you're just thinking to yourself. So she's totally in a telepathic bond with America right now, discussing how much she loves Earth Too: The Rebirthening.

Seeing heroes as a boon and not a menace should be the lowest bar of a comic book world! Fuck, comics are in such a terrible state. Stop trying so hard to reflect the real world and maybe present a world of inspiration like you're supposed to be doing, comic books! Having that happen here on Earth Too: The Rebirthening shouldn't be an anomaly!

Instead of moving into the future and showing why people should totally be creaming their jeans for whatever version of Earth 2 will crop up in Rebirth, Power Girl decides to remind everybody of how terrible Earth 2 and World's End and Convergence and Earth Too: Society were. Normally, I wouldn't suggest recapping a series in the final issue¹. Also, I'm not suggesting it now, if that whole "normally" clause confused you into thinking I was going to conclude with an "in this case." My guess is that everybody reading this issue remembers how terrible all of the Earth 2 stories were. It was almost as if DC saw how popular the Injustice comic book was and was desperate to have that kind of thing happening in their canon universe. Maybe that would have been interesting if they didn't fuck over Earth 2 to do it.

The way Power Girl is explaining things, this feels like it should have been the Earth 2 Rebirth issue. But what new readers are hopping on at Issue #22 and thinking, "I hope this explains what this book has been about and where it's headed!"

Yeah, this is a good way to look at what happened. Just forget about all the non-Wonder survivors of Earth 2 who were wiped out of existence by the miraculous do-over.

This miracle is like the time the Non-Certified Spouse was told she was pregnant by about fifteen thousand home pregnancy tests (she's a bit obsessive) but was then menstruating two days later. Sure, I called that a miracle but some people might have looked side-eye at me for that proclamation! Thank you, Baby Jesus, for taking away my child (whom we named Astird (yes, like from The Office))! I didn't even pray for this great miracle! I always knew he was pro-choice!

One thing I learned from the experience is that these pregnancy tests that proclaim they can tell a woman if they're pregnant earlier than anybody else due to changing hormones and not due to a fertilized egg actually attaching to the uterine wall to set up shop for the next nine months are causing an epidemic of heartbreak and grief. I found a number of forums on the web where women were shattered that they had seemingly lost their baby in cases like these. To be fair, it's not simply the pregnancy test's fault. It's also the fault of the Anti-Choice people and their life begins at conception propaganda campaign. If a pregnancy stick says pregnant than the woman must be pregnant! It's not like science and biology are complicated matters! They're God's will! If a sperm fertilizes an egg, that's it! LIFE, MOTHERFUCKER! And if that egg doesn't attach or the body rejects it for whatever reason, your sins probably caused that to happen! And now you've killed your child, you selfish bastard!

Power Girl points out that, since this is a second chance, the Wonders are going to make it work this time. I guess they took the old world for granted and just shrugged off all the crime and disasters happening around them. This time, though, they're going to save everybody and Darkseid will never get a foothold on their Earth because they're all so damn vigilant now!

Hey kid! Watch the grabby hands!

To be fair to that kid, at least he isn't hanging on with his lips like some person I know that totally isn't me but, like, a friend or something.

Look at that previous scan. See that pudgy fuck with the old timey mustache? He's definitely a super villain.

According to Power Girl's summation of Earth Too: The Rebirthening, the defining characteristics of this new world are that Batman is a woman and Superman is black. Also probably that Green Lantern is gay. It's an Earth 2 for a new generation! The first Earth 2 was all white men and women (mostly men!) fighting Nazis. But then Earth 1 came along to update that old way of thinking, creating a world where white men and women (mostly men!) fought things other than Nazis. Now this new Earth 2 is about diversity! I guess this Earth 2 is in the DC You Universe?

At the weekly meeting of the Justice Society, we learn that Earth Too: The Rebirthening has a Lex Luthor and a Belle Reve. Also that the voice that's been alerting the Wonders to crimes is that of Oracle. Who is Oracle? Probably Batdick's computerized brainwaves. Remember how he had a broken back! Also maybe he's not totally dead or something (he isn't! He's last to arrive to the meeting which starts off with a total downer remembrance of everybody who died while trying to fix Earth 2 basically since The New 52 began).

The Ranking!
+1! This is where Earth 2 should have began when it started about a year into The New 52! All that other shit should have been brainstormed as background and not sold as a monthly comic book (weekly at times with World's End! UGH!) for five years! Anyway, I guess Earth 2 is now a kind of mish-mash of Pre-Crisis, Post-Zero-Hour, Pre-Infinite Crisis, Post-New-52, Prebirth, Afterbirth, Preboot, and Reboot universes! It's what DC Comics should always and never have been! Or something. Anyway, it at least ends in a way that makes a Rebirth Earth 2 possibly interesting.

_______________________
¹Oh god. Is this the final issue? I fucking hope this is the final issue!

Earth Too: Society #21

Seriously. How is this not over yet?!

The Review!
The main take away of this comic book is Vicente Cifuentes loves drawing huge breasts.

"Go! And strike that pose where you push your breasts out!"

Also in this issue: Ultra-Humanite kills Batdick and Green Lantern kills Ultra-Humanite. Oh! So who's the fascist now, Green Lantern?! So intolerant of hate and intolerance and murder. Who's the real Nazi, amirite? How fucking hypocritical to kill somebody who kills people! Fucking monster. And I would totally say the same things if he were straight! Although I wouldn't say any of what I just said if I wasn't pretending to be an idiot.

The Ranking!
I think I've punished this title enough. I'm only still reading it because it's the last book of The New 52 and I'm an idiot for deciding to read all of The New 52 comic books. But just for some criticism nostalgia, here's one of the reasons I hate this book. On the New Earth 2 (dubbed Earth Too by me in a way that confuses people with no sense of whimsy and too much sense of grammar and/or spelling mistakes), everybody was, once again, up in arms about the Wonders. "We hate them! Especially the robot!" they would chant in their marches against people who wear disgustingly tight spandex outfits. But now Earth Too has become Earth Too: The Rebirthening and guess what? The people of this Earth don't know what wonders are and are afraid of them. So, the usual, really. Which means that Fury has to have a scene speaking directly to about fifteen citizens telling them all about the Wonders and how wonderful they are and how they're going to save them all and be their protectors. You know, a speech that doesn't make an intelligent person's butthole crawl right up into their esophagus. Instead of just getting on with saving the world from the Ultra-Humantie, Fury now has to take time out of her busy day of punching Sandmen in the face to calm down the populace because of the history of populations all over several different Earths and Convergence-based locales hating superheroes. And it's not like she's even giving the speech to an international reporter with a camera crew so it doesn't just seem like an especially egregious waste of time. She's just telling a handful of people what's going on and making it sound super sketchy and a little bit too invasiony for the likes of most people. Half of the people probably don't even hear her message because it was muffled by her gigantic tits.

Now that I've said all of that, I've changed my mind. -1!

Earth Too: Society #20

How is this not over yet?!

So I guess we're not done with the everybody is afraid of superheroes stories yet?

It doesn't matter if they've seen Wonders or not, really.

This issue is a big fight with the Wonders coming out on top. Meanwhile the Bat-family are going to storm Ultra-Humanite's headquarters. Meanwhile meanwhile, Ultra-Humanite is going to unleash Green Lantern on the world so that he might destroy the Wonders. He's Ultra-Humanite's secret weapon.

What Did We Learn?
Why am I pretending this comic book is teaching the readers anything? I guess maybe it's teaching them patience as they wait for more actual plot each month? Perhaps it's teaching them to be frugal with their money by punishing them for blowing $2.99 on this boring garbage? I was really hoping it was going to get interesting on New New Earth 2 Too but instead it's just more of the same bullshit. Constant punching. Citizens afraid of superheroes. The barest minimum of story actually being told.

The Ranking!
-1! Look at that cover. Remember when Val-zod was a pacifist? I guess that twist was too hard to write around when 98% of all comic book problems are solved with violence.

Earth Too: Society #19

Tornado Lane is going to have a tough time going undercover.

The press should stop sending journalists to White House press conferences. Instead, they should just hire the guys from Jackass to attend them all. I wonder how many farts to the face or shaved hair ambushes or punches in the balls Sean Spicer could take while acting like he's in on the joke before he quits his lie-telling job?

Today on Tumblr, some anon told me to kill myself. Son, I've been playing Call of Duty for years. When you tell me to kill myself, all I hear is "Good job owning me completely!"

On New New Earth 2 Too, the Wonders discover they're still being hunted by The Sandmen. The whole "undercover" bit on the cover is just some time-wasting until the Sandmen can attack before they can actually do anything undercover. Meanwhile the Bat-family are rescued by Steel who turns on them for arbitrary reasons. The only actual reveal in this issue comes on the last page (of course) just to be shocking when it could have been revealed much earlier and provided for more actual story. The whole premise of this issue was to have the reader thinking, "Who is The Director?! Who is The Director?! He's wearing purple and green armor so it must be...well, it must be Ultra-Humanite since he was pretty much the only villain left from Earth Too.

What Did We Learn?
I think perhaps we learned that DC Comics signed a contract with Dan Abnett to write a certain number of Earth 2 books before they had solidified their Rebirth plans. Now he's stuck dragging out this Earth 2 story until he fulfills the contract and everybody can go back to not giving a shit about this version of Earth 2. Although I'm sure DC Comics will decided to throw more money at the concept by rebooting this world as Earth 2 Rebirth. If so, it'll be the first Rebirth book that I don't even give a chance.

The Ranking!
-1! Nothing fucking happened!

Earth Too: Society #18

The end is nigh! Although not nigh enough!

Batdick, The Huntress, and Batdick's son John have also survived The Casketing. They're wandering about the stark white world having a discussion that most heroes sorely need to have.

I was completely on Batdick's side until he called Helena by name while she's in her Huntress costume. Asshole.

The Langolier Sandmen attack the trio during which John yells at one of them, "Get off Aunt Helena!" Code names, kids! Also, um, maybe get your relationships straight. How is Helena Wayne your aunt? The Dick Grayson of New 52 Earth 2 wasn't the ward of Bruce Wayne. I don't mind this kind of misinformation being thrown around in Rebirth because Rebirth is a whole new crazy mashing together of old DC timelines (sort of?) but this book is still based on The New 52. I won't have this characters her playing fast and loose with their comic book reality!

Although I should excuse John. He is, in another reality, a six year old boy whose father never really tried too hard to find him when he got lost. He might be used to calling strange women hanging out with his dad "Aunt".

The other heroes elsewhere begin bathing the city in x-rays as they try to figure out where they are. Turns out the city forming around them looks like Old Metropolis. I don't know how "old" the "old" is in Old Metropolis but I'm willing to bet it's not old enough for me. It's highly doubtful these characters will be exterminated to bring back the super duper Old Metropolis of the original Earth 2. So things are probably resetting to the shitty New 52 Earth 2 that nobody fucking cares about. I'm still sore that I spent so much money on it and World's End and Society. How does one start a class action lawsuit against a comic book company?

Metropolis isn't even fully formed yet and the superheroes are destroying it. Fucking assholes.

The Sandmen try one desperate time to murder the Wonders who shouldn't be transitioning from Earth Too to New New 52 Earth 2. Or, hopefully, just a totally different Earth 2 altogether that maybe contains the World War II Veteran Wonders. They might be in their late hundred and fifties judging by the technology of Metropolis but that shouldn't stop them. They're Wonders!

Upon arriving, they're greeted by a new Steel who is probably going to pretend that they'll only survive if each one of them sucks his dick.

What Did We Learn?
DC Comics has no idea when to end a comic book. This really should have ended when the entire world went white. On the plus side, I think it's about to get much better than it's been since about World's End #1.

The Ranking!
No change!

Earth Too: Society #17

Inconceivably, after the Pandora Casket was opened, Power Girl's breasts got bigger and Val-Zod now has an invisible penis.

I thought last issue was the final issue because Earth Too was written over by Fury opening the Pandora Casket. But I guess that would be an unsatisfying ending for most people. Those people are desperate jerks who probably think after they die, they're going to get some kind of eloquent epilogue to wrap up their life in a pretty little bow of meaning. Look, I understand why people choose to believe in some kind of afterlife. I get it. Why not believe in the thing you want to believe in and whistle blithely into the void? But there's a reason Fox Mulder had a poster that said "I want to believe." That phrasing is quite specific. Some of us would love to believe! We'd love to think it's all kittens and roses rather than nonexistence! I was going to say "kittens and roses rather than blackness and earthworms." But even blackness and earthworms is too much of a description for what it's like after one dies. I suppose I could use the old standard of it being exactly like before you were born. I mean, you didn't exist then either! Isn't that also a terrifying notion?! I mean, billions and billions of years passed (and probably even more than that!) before some gross dude stuck his penis in the purest woman ever's vagina and created me! It actually seems more plausible that the universe never existed until I came into being and was able to perceive it! When I die, I'm shutting this shit down!

This issue begins with a red line zipping around a white city just starting to come into focus. Or go out of focus. It's hard to tell. Anyway, it's probably The Flash. I only added the "probably" so as to not seem too arrogant. I'm told that acknowledging my perceptiveness is a total turn-off to stupid readers. And I can't lost half of my audience because they think I'm an arrogant jerk! So I totally wasn't sure it was The Flash even though nobody reading this book thought anything else. Does that make me seem more relatable?

This issue is called "After the End: The Final Fate of Earth 2: Part One." NO! Part One!? Come on! I thought for sure this thing was done. Now I'm intensely worried that the Doctor Fate #17 in my stack isn't the last stupid issue of that stupid comic book!

The Flash finds Fury sad about destroying the world. But doesn't she see? She's just erased the hard drive! Now she gets to reinstall whatever history she wants! Fury and Flash can think up a world where super heroes constantly fought the Nazis! A world where the super heroes could use totally racist terms against their enemies because those enemies were the greatest enemies ever! And anybody tsk-tsking calling a Nazi a no-good Kraut could go jump off in a lake! Jerko Nazi sympathizers!

Elsewhere, Tornado Lane, Power Girl, and Hawk-cop have also survived the erasing of the world. I guess if you're an important character, you get to live. Nobody should worry at all about all of the unimportant people who no longer exist.

Tornado Lane tells Hawk-cop that she heard a voice talking about imminent cohesion. Hawk-cop is all, "What is cohesion? Der!" And Tornado Lane, the robot journalist, is all, "No idear! Der!" I guess they don't want to spoil the surprise for the stupid readers who haven't already figured out what is happening! I mean, readers like me, of course! What is going on? Der!

To keep the process timely (the world should coalesce in a little over an hour), the Pandora Casket's programming must rid the area of all extrinsic creatures. That probably means the Wonders! And to do the ridding, the Pandora Casket has created some Langoliers out of Sandman. Flash and Fury group up with Tornado Lane, Hawk-cop, and Power Girl after which they're attacked by more Sandmen. But Superman arrives to save the day right before this issue ends.

This story should have just ended last issue. I don't see the point in extending it at all! The New 52 Earth-2 was a huge failure! Couldn't DC just allow it the dignity to disappear into nonexistence without another word?

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (*)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Wonder Woman (*)
5. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
6. Suicide Squad (*)
7. The Flash (*)
8. Earth 2: Society (*)

Earth Too: Society #16

Please be the kind of last stand that Custer had.

The Commentary!
Some comic books work. Others don't work. That's just logic! Then there are comic books that might work but I don't fucking give any shits about. That's this comic book! Now that I've put my bias out there for everybody to see because I'm super transparent about things like that (I just call myself "super trans" cause it's cool to shorten all of the words), nobody can argue with any of the terrible things I say about this comic book in the paragraphs to come. I'll just say, "I told you right from the start that I didn't care about this comic book! You should have realized that meant I probably wasn't going to pay much attention to it which definitely meant that I was going to completely miss any intellectual themes that may or may not but probably almost definitely are not at all there!"

I think I was trying to make this point in the last non-Annual commentary I wrote about Earth Too but I fell into a digression and never quite climbed my way out! One of the reasons I think Dan Abnett changed the Pandora Vessel into the Pandora Casket is because it contains a dead world. So after Dan Abnett wrote the script with the Pandora Vessel and he sent the script to the artists who did the art and then the art went to the colorist and got some color and then it went to the editor who was super busy and just trusted there were no errors and sent it off to get published, Dan went, "NO WAIT! IT SHOULD BE A CASKET! A CAAAAAASKEEEEEET! IT'S MORE THEMATICALLY RELEVANT!" And the editor was all, "Just fucking change it in the next script. Nobody will fucking notice. And I don't think that Tess asshole who writes shitty shit about everything we do cares enough about your stupid Earth 2 comic book to notice either." But ha ha! You were wrong, imaginary editor! In fact, I totally noticed! And I can't fucking forget! It haunts me day and night! Why? Why did Dan change it?! WHY!?!

Anyway, stupid idiot Green Lantern got himself mind-controlled by the Ultra-Humanite, so Earth Too is probably fucked. Nobody can stand up to Alan Scott! Maybe Val-el if he's currently not in one of his pacifist mindsets.

Green Lantern is almost stopped by The Flash! I mean, for like one panel it seems maybe The Flash will do it. Then Power Girl, Val-el, and Tornado Lane arrive and it seems like maybe they'll stop him! For like, one panel. So then Fury arrives and she's all, "I may not be able to stop you but I'll sure as shit last longer than one fucking panel!" And she does! She lasts for four panels! Possibly five! What a hero!

Since when was Alan Scott's ring a weapon of Oa?

I'm not a Green Lantern scholar so maybe the origin of Alan Scott's ring has been retconned (probably dozens of times, really) but it wasn't an Oan weapon to begin with! Okay, it had links to the Guardians of the Universe but those links are more tentative than the links the lantern has to a crazy fucker at Arkham obsessed with train lanterns! Or a Chinese guy interested in meteors! Or to Alan himself who actually made the ring using the lantern! This was decades before Hal Jordan made a ring of his own during Rebirth!

Green Lantern breaks into the vault where the Pandora's Casket has been hidden away. But there's some good and bad news! The bad news is that there's a Wonder inside the vault guarding it! The good news is that it's only Red Arrow! How is that chump going to stop a Green Lantern?! No wait! Don't answer that! I'm sure Dan Abnett will come up with a super intriguing way to have a powerless noob beat somebody with the most powerful weapon in the universe! I mean, that very same thing happens in the pages of Green Lantern every five to six pages.

Green Lantern laughs at Red Arrow and Red Arrow is all, "Dan Abnett knows this situation is ridiculous so now I get to have a lengthy monologue explaining why it isn't ridiculous at all but totally fucking cool! SO COOL!" Then Red Arrow is killed. Probably. I mean, no way he can beat Green Lantern. No way at all. No writer would even try to convince readers that it could happen. We would all riot if Red Arrow somehow beat Green Lantern! I know I would. Unless I was feeling a bit peckish. Then I might just take a nap.

And Green Lantern is just about to kill Red Arrow when he notices Red Arrow has his erect penis nocked in the bow. That's when he's all, "Oh yeah!" And Ultra-Humanite is all, "Oh my god! I'm in a homosexual mind!", and flees. Ultra-Humanite? More like Ultra-Homophobe!

"The plan Flash My Huge Cock worked. Ultra-Humanite is gone and Alan is fellating himself."

Ultra-Humanite arrives and kills Red Arrow with some magic monkey magic. Now nobody stands in the way! Ultra-Humanite can open the Casket and restore World War II Era Earth-2! Right? Come on. Right? Just do that. Just stop writing this comic book and somebody start writing that comic book!

Before Ultra-Humanite can fix everything, Batjerk, The Huntress, Hawk Cop, and little Johnny Grayson arrive to prolong this nonsense. People often think it's noble to fight against death. They think clinging to life with every last ounce of energy is the only noble way to go out. But if that's really the case, why do doctors hand out DNR bracelets like they were candy going out of style? You know what doctors think, right? The same thing veterinarians think: saving people is a huge waste of energy, time, and money! It's better to just convince people that they should die with dignity and stop being a burden. Too bad the Earth-Too Wonders didn't get the memo. The memo I'm talking about is this paragraph I just wrote that sums up my feelings about how they should just give up already. Why don't they give up? Why do they hate me so?

Oh! OH! Wait! Somebody got my memo! Somebody gets it! Somebody understands and that somebody saves the world by opening the Casket and destroying the world! You know, before Ultra-Humanite could do it badly. And that hero is Fury! Hooray, Fury! I will remember you fondly when you never, ever reappear because the actual Fury that lives in that box is probably the one fucking Silver Scarab. I hope!

Anyway, that's the end! Everything is destroyed! Such a great ending to this comic book! Triple A Plus Plus! Oh wait. I ranked too early! Let me change my underpants and try that again.

The Ranking!
Triple A Plus Plus! That's probably something like a +3! And that ranking is only for the last few pages. The other pages were just a huge wind up. I wish more Wonders had been killed during that early part since their deaths wouldn't have mattered. But then, maybe that would have made it too obvious that they were going to lose and reboot Earth-2.

Earth Too: Society Annual #1

Haven't we reached peak Batman saturation yet?

The Facts!
• I am not an earnest, well-intentioned Writer who says the things that people want to hear so they can feel righteous in their daily vitriolic anger. I cannot lead the revolution! If I were to discuss anything of any real import, I would just wind up making light of it and not treating it seriously enough for the people who actually care about it. Sometimes there's a place for earnestness and optimism. Even I enjoy reading and listening to people who really want to say something meaningful and important in a completely unselfish way. But this isn't that place. This is where you can come to pretend you don't live in a world where every single statement by every single person is gross and problematic to at least one other person in the world and thus nobody should actually say anything at all ever. Let me be your martyr. Let me be crucified for your gross and problematic sins. Believe in me and you will...well, you won't have everlasting life or anything. You might, if you're lucky, realize that people can joke about pretty much everything because the world is a shitty and painful place and who has the right to tell anybody else that they can't make a joke about something if it somehow lightens the world a little for them. I mean within the well-established rules of who can joke about what, of course! I would obviously never make a joke about the Portuguese because I'm not Portuguese! Although aren't we all brothers and sisters? Are we not all the same? Do we not all share a common ancestor, far back in the hidden recesses of our unknowable history? So I probably can make a Portuguese gardener joke, right?!

• I'm so sick of people aspiring to inspire. Inspiration is bullshit. Inspiration is like taking a shot of adrenaline, pumping your fist in the air, and screaming "This!" at the top of your lungs and then, as the excitement of the moment moves further and further into your past, slowly descending back into your pathetic do-nothing attitude surrounded by boxes of empty Oreo containers. Inspiration without motivation or ambition is as useful as a power surge. Inspiration has simply become a major buzzword because it slaps a layer of selflessness over something that is inherently selfish and self-involved. It's a way to believe that the fulfillment of your dreams (which, generally, could technically be described as "selfish desires") has a bigger impact on the world than just making you happy and satisfied.

• Oh, I brought up inspiration because this story is called "Legacy" and we all know what that means in comic book parlance. A hero is an older person who the company thinks fans can't identify with so that hero inspires a younger generation to completely rip them off. Now the company has the same hero but with a younger demographic. Cha-ching!

• Dick is speaking with his son John about taking over as the next Batman after Dick gives up his life to save Earth-Too. How did John and Dick get back together? Who the fuck knows? I don't really care but I'm certain this comic book is about to tell me.

• Is it really wise to have a six year old as the new Batman? I know his body looks sixteen! But he's got the mind of a six year old! His relationship with Legacy Catwoman is going to be just a lot of her chasing him around Gotham as he screams, "Gross!"

• The story finally gets around to beginning at the beginning where Ultra-Humanite is still trying to convince a six year old that he doesn't need his deadbeat dad in his life anymore. That's when The Huntress falls out of the sky screaming at John that he has to come with her. Doesn't she know you probably shouldn't startle a six year old holding a flamethrower?

• Before John can go with Helena, he must deal with his grief.

I mean, he has to battle a kid named Grief.

• I wish somebody would accidentally knock over the Pandora Vessel--I mean Casket!--and just remake Earth-2 already. If these characters survive, I won't be particularly happy with the Rebirth Earth-2 comic book. Am I truly supposed to care about John Grayson? Unless he begins acting like a six year old in a sixteen year old's body, I just can't take him seriously.

• Remember how Superboy was a newborn baby in a sixteen year old's body? I never took him seriously either!

• The six year old psychoanalyzes his father. I guess John Grayson is just another fucking genius child in the DC Universe. They're all so fucking smart! When do us stupid people get representation?! I mean aside from Jaime Reyes.

• Dick points out to his kid how he isn't fit to be Batman. He was just a lousy journalist. His entire training consists of watching his wife fight people to protect the family and breaking his back. But I guess that's enough because he hasn't been killed by Earth-2 Joker yet. Oh, I guess he was also trained by Huntress and Wildcat. But that was only after he survived all the Conversion Earth-2 bullshit.

• Dick almost quits but his son throws a tantrum and is all, "I want Batman as my daddy!" So Dick decides to keep being Batman and John decides to be his sidekick and earnest people everywhere who can't listen to "Cat's in the Cradle" without turning into a soaking wet ball of snot probably feel a twinge of sentimentality while reading this story. My dad is a piece of shit who was drunk through most of my first two decades and then expected to become my best friend in later years and I don't feel anything when I hear "Cat's in the Cradle" or read stories where fathers and sons bond. Although sometimes Nick Cave's "The Weeping Song" penetrates the callus over my heart and makes me feel like maybe I'm causing my dad pain by not allowing him to think he's my best friend. What's up with that?! Why does that song suddenly make me feel like the bad guy?!

The Opinions!
I don't care about this version of Dick Grayson and I certainly don't care about his son John whom Dick couldn't be bothered to protect for about thirty or more issues of Earth-2. So now I'm supposed to buy into this relationship because of the way John keeps calling Dick "Daddy"?! Fuck that! Somebody open the Pandora Casket already so we can get back the Justice Society!

Earth 2: Society #11

Superman just looks like Captain Atom with his "S" torn off the chest.

The Review!
Perhaps a comic book about a contrived global conflict is the kind of book that makes certain dicks hard and certain pussies wet but it does neither for my dick and/or pussy. This is a story about a society that doesn't trust superheroes and blames them for all of their troubles. Yawn. Double yawn. Triple yawn, even! I don't even know why superhero comic books continue to be published if the main thing modern writers have to say within them is that people don't like authority. Unless they're saying something else with the whole allegory of the misplaced trust in power that I've become too numb and bored to care about figuring out. I don't care what it might be like if a superhero had to deal with the bureaucracies and red tape and public mistrust of public figures extant in the actual world. What I wouldn't mind is an accurate representation of the real world but where superheroes are an added element that just makes the world a better place. What a daring fucking concept, no?

The Commentary!
The less control a person feels they need to exert on the world, the happier that person will be. That's why I'm always so angry when I read shitty comic books! Because I wish I could lock the writer up in my Secret Room of Secret Things and teach them how to write. Not that I know the secret to writing interesting things! I do know the secret to writing popular things though. You write something cliche that appeals to a broad base, hope that the cool young people feel that liking your thing will give them some kind of cultural cache, and then all of the other lemmings (also known as "young people") will like your thing too, desperately trying to portray themselves as having liked it years before anybody else did. But even if I can't really teach a bad writer how to write in my Secret Room of Secret Things, I can at least take out my frustrations on them in horribly demeaning ways. Like I might say, after having them sit in the chair with the broken spring, "How is your mother?" If they reply with anything that isn't "My mother is dead," then I say, "I already knew that because she screamed it while I was doing her hard." I would also be sure to make dramatic hip motions while saying that and maybe do some vulgar thing with my fingers and tongue. Then I would ask, "How is your father?" If they replied with anything that wasn't "My father is dead," I would say, "I know! Who do you think was running the camera while I gave it to your mom!" Then I would ask if they wanted some lemonade and if they said yes, I would tell them I was all out and that they would have to leave now. Boom! Lesson learned, bad writer! Now I just have to hope Cullen Bunn answers "Yes" to my evite!

In my first draft, I had Scott Lobdell as the bad writer but then I thought, "What has Scott Lobdell ever done to me? It's not like he ever posted a picture of a guy flipping the bird and directed it at me!" So that's why I replaced him with Cullen Bunn. I will also be making Cullen Bunn my honorary go-to whipping boy for no other reason than that he once acknowledged that I existed. He should have gone the Gail Simone route and acknowledged my existence in a pleasant way so as to avoid my hate-attention.

I suppose the opposite of my initial statement is also true: the less control a person feels the world is trying to exert on them, the happier the person will be. This is why white cis males should be happy all the time. All of those angry white guys with the man-tears are really blowing their big advantage! Why argue with somebody who attacks white men for simply being white and men? Just ignore them like you've always done prior to that point and live your life the best way any individual can live it: by being recognized by the majority of society that you are, indeed, an individual! When somebody makes a crack about white men, I just laugh and go, "I know, right? Fucking white men are ridiculous!" Because I don't think of myself as a white man! I think of myself as Tess! Or Grunion Guy! Or my real name which you can easily find out but I won't write it here and make it that easy for you. Then I go get a free massage and basket of french fries at one of the many secret White Guy Speakeasies located in every major city.

Oops! Forget I said that! Especially the part about the free french fries and how they're the most delicious I've ever had. Oh wait. I didn't say that. Just forget that too! Oh look over there! It's an Earth 2 comic book!

I was hoping to find an intriguing panel as the distraction but I'm seven pages in and all I've got is this.

Jesus Christ has a line in Jesus Christ Superstar where he says, "To conquer death, you only have to die." That's what I think of whenever there's any backlash to some pop piece of entertainment where the characters or the casting isn't up to White Male Nerd Expectations. What the fuck are you arguing for? You're railing against normalizing things but you think you're somehow keepers of the gates of normalcy. And every time you argue, you're proving that you're ultimate reason for not wanting to change is based in bigotry and superficial bullshit. Instead of allowing the rising tide to drown everyone lift every boat, you're trying to keep all the boats with short anchor chains anchored to the position they've been in for decades while your boat has been without an anchor for centuries. Do you want to stop having this constant discussion about diversity and inclusiveness and privilege? You only have to die. You only. Have. To die.

I know the previous paragraph will be completely misconstrued (which, lucky for me, I won't ever be popular enough to matter) but what do I care?! It's art! I don't have a mandate to explain everything I say in a way that the stupidest person can understand it! That's like asking David Lynch to explain Lost Highway to a large percentage of the audience. I've told this story before but with close to three thousand blog posts (most of them about me and only peripherally about the comic book I'm reading at the time), I should be allowed repeated story tellings. So I was with my old high school friend Soy Rakelson years ago and we were discussing Lost Highway. He thought that it was too confusing and that the auteur had a duty to try to make his or her work understandable. As we talked, he noticed I had John Barth's Lost in the Funhouse nearby and he said, "Oh man! I loved that story in here about the Swimmers!" And I said, "Oh, the one about the sperm." And he looked at me quizzically and said, "You know, the one with the Swimmers?" And I said, "Yeah. The one with the sperm questioning the whole point of his seemingly pointless existence." And his jaw dropped and he was all, "Holy crap." And I was all, "Don't you think an auteur has a duty to try to make his or her work understandable?" For Soy, the story was fascinating because of the philosophical quandary of the narrator. But to me, I couldn't imagine the story really meaning anything if you didn't walk away from it realizing that the Swimmer was a spermatozoa. It definitely changed Soy's take on the story after that.

I don't know if we actually used the word "auteur" that night but seeing that we were both in the same Lit Theory class at the time, we probably did. Although we weren't wearing sweater vests or sipping espressos at the local coffee shop (which was called City Lights, by the way).

I don't think the auteur was very clear about which character is supposed to be speaking which thoughts. I'm fairly certain the little arrows are pointing at all the wrong people. Another possibility is I'm just too stupid to get the gist of this conversation. Is Giffen writing this?

Speaking of Soy Rakelson, he was one of those white guys who constantly felt like he was a victim. He was also Catholic and so he felt under attack all the time on that front too. Plus his family was from Chicago and he was defensive about that as well! One time he wrote a letter to the San Jose State Student Paper arguing about the proposed Black Student Union. At the time, he didn't realize that it was just another group and not, as he thought, a completely new building that would be just for black students. Fuck I wish I'd kept that paper! I'm pretty sure he invoked out of context quotes from people like Benjamin Franklin and Abraham Lincoln to defend his position (a position, I remind you, that was totally based on his misunderstanding of the situation).

I proposed getting a Mortal Kombat video game cabinet for non-Asians but my letter was never printed. I was just tired of getting my spine pulled out by the Asian students and figured I could probably beat a white person or two if only I could get the opportunity to play one!

I should probably begin discussing Earth 2: Society since it's beginning to get interesting. And by "interesting," I simply mean it's beginning to irk me enough to start ranting.

The various cities that have sprung up around Earth Too are ready to go to war over the planet's resource rights. The only problem is that the planet doesn't have any resources. Except for, you know, the two suns. And probably wind. Maybe water. Possibly geothermal. But even though the people of Earth 2 had the technology to build escape ships for a small chunk of their population (I'm not talking about the slipships that Mister Terrific and whoever found for the eventual escape from Darkseid), they apparently can't figure out solar power. It was explained earlier that somehow solar power doesn't work with these suns but I'm pretty sure that explanation was so that people like me would just shut up about it and simply deal with the plot as Dan Abnett wants me to deal with it.

During peace talks with the leaders of the cities, Green Lantern lets it slip that the planet has no natural resources. This leaves the leaders to draw the only conclusion possible: they have to all go to war to steal the other people's resources. I guess everybody has really bonded with the other people who just happened to wind up on the same escape ships as they did. I bet they think twice about going to war when they realize that two of the armies they'll have to battle are composed of Amazons and Atlanteans! I bet they start crying peace all over the place when they learn that little morsel!

I don't think I truly hated this comic book until this panel.

It's not that I'm annoyed that some asshole politicians aren't accepting any kind of responsibility for their own actions or are looking for somebody else to blame. I suppose that's fitting. But what I can't stand is how the "Wonders" just pull down their pants and take it. I don't know what "it" is but it's not any kind of rape, just in case you were about to feel triggered. If Green Lantern's response isn't, "Well, fuck it. I tried. Let them fucking sort it out," I'll be disappointed. Why superheroes feel the need to keep helping when all they receive in return is shit and more shit is beyond me. Oh, I get it. Because they're heroes and they do what's right no matter how popular it is. Although if that were the truth, then Superman really would be a fascist dickface, wouldn't he?

Fury of Amazonia wants to save the world for their own sake and believes they'll thank her for it later. Green Lantern wants to save the world even though they hate him and don't want his help. I say let Fury take over and Green Lantern can save the world if they all write really polite letters to him asking for his help.

The best part of the story is probably the part I won't spend a word on because that's no fun! I'll be all, "And then Ted Grant gets punched in the face and Red Arrow is all, 'My boxing glove arrow doesn't work on mist people!' But Batdick is all, 'Guys? Guys? Status, guys? Guys?' And then Ted Grant is all, 'What's gonna work?' And Red Arrow is all, 'Teamwork!'"

Anyway, Green Lantern is a big hippie failure so Sandman, Sato, and Steel (the S.S.S?) decide to impose martial law and kill anybody who doesn't do what they say. Serves them right!

Earth Too: Society #10

What if Hourman had to save the world from a catastrophe that was happening just seconds before the jump to Daylight Savings Time?!

Rating: -1 Ranking.

This has simply become another one of those shitty modern takes on super heroes where the general populace mistrusts them and fears them and hates them because drama. Although I guess it's not really all that modern since it's been the basic story of the X-men since it first became the basic story of the X-men. I should probably research shit before beginning statements that could use research and then not doing the research so that the statement becomes a useless tautology.

Val-el gives up the family crest because his name is really Val-Zod and he probably shouldn't have been wearing the crest of El in the first place. Actually, he gives it up because Martha Kent is all, "My son was great but I should have been afraid of him! I'm now pleading with every thing that I'm afraid of to stop existing! The world should be the way I want it to be! Boo hoo! Farts!"

Okay, she didn't end her statement with farts. But she may as well have because it was shit.

The best part of the issue was the part where Aquawoman doesn't wear any pants under her transparent skirt. I'm still flushed from that scene! Where's my "my genitals are on fire" fan so I can cool off while looking demure?

Earth Too: Society #9

Guess what?! Everybody on Earth-Too fears heroes as well!

Rating: -1 Ranking.

I get that the part where Lois Lane begins writing the new Earth-Too constitution with "In God We Trust" and then crosses it out is symbolic but it also makes Lois Lane look like a fucking dope. Why would that thought--beginning the new constitution with that phrase--even cross her mind?! Unless she's leaving that bit in! So she writes "In God We Trust" and then continues after a double-spaced gap with "Ha ha! That's how people saw the old world, right? Trusting the gods. Putting their faith in something other than themselves. But now we're on a different world. A new world. One created not by any god but by an interdimensional Machiavellian robotic monster! Which ultimately means the destiny of this planet must be shaped by those now living on it. It is up to us to trust ourselves, and to trust each other, to make this world a place where we can live in peace, prosperity, and the pursuit of sappiness."

And boy howdy do the people of Earth-Too need that speech! They're all fucking still living with the expectations of the Old World (you know, Earth-2!). They've just arrived on a new planet with only the technology and materials of the spaceships that brought them here and they're already trying to power the planet with oil and natural gas and shit dug up out of the earth! Hello! Your planet has two suns! TWO! Start upcycling your stupid spaceships into solar panels, you morons! Better yet, have Green Lantern make some for you with his magic, scary godlike powers! Oh, and isn't Mister Terrific down there? I hear he's the third smartest man in the world! He can build some shit to use the suns as a power source, right? Get those fucking Mister Terrific Balls in production already!

Earth-Too has about three million people on it and they're fighting over land rights. Are you kidding me?! If Green Lantern were a real hero, he'd just move the first city that becomes aggressive with another thousands of miles away to a new stretch of useless land (because apparently all the land is fucking useless). Who cares if somebody calls him a god or a fascist or a faggot? Okay, that last one was out of line. But still, who cares?! He can save lives and teach lessons!

I was hoping this was going to become a Justice Society book where the heroes all sit around a table and listen to Hawkman scream his fool head off about some non-traditional something bugging his bigoted ass. But instead it's about a bunch of heroes trying to build a new world in the face of a populace that are scared assholes without any fucking common sense. I hope the whole place blows up by issue thirteen.

I should also mention that whatever weird breeding program Fury has begun that's creating Amazons is also giving them some kind of weird hip dysplasia.

Earth Too: Society #8

In this issue, Hawkcop lives up to the nickname I gave her.

Rating: +2 Ranking. It's much better than it was. I still have a lot of problems with it but they're all based on the believability of the science fiction account of building a new world. I'm also not clear if Abnett understands that the "terraforming" was done by Green Lantern and not the science of the Earth-Twofers or if I've completely forgotten how Earth-Too was terraformed. I'm pretty sure it was totally Alan but when Green Lantern begins investigating a bioweapon that could have been a resut of the terraforming, he doesn't speak up and say, "Oh, my bad!" Dick. Maybe the multiple failed terraforming events using the Earth-2 Data corrupted the world.

One of the main conflicts between the city-states of Earth-Too is over power and resources. Green Lantern doesn't want the world erupting into war over limited resources and struggles over powering the cities so I don't know why he isn't creating those resources since he created the whole entire fucking ecosystem. Get to work, asshole!

Kendra is a Hawkcop through and through. She expects people whose home she's invaded to answer her questions while she shoots at them. What a fucking rectum.

My favorite character right now is The Sandman because he's not a fucking hypocrite. I also hope Val-zod regains his pacifistic nature. I need a Superman who is compassionate and not a Superman who punches things until they're quiet and he can go back to writing articles about how awesome he is and then sign a different name to them.

One last thing: are the women of Earth-Too suffering from some kind of vitamin deficiency or are they all knock-kneed because Jimenez is more concerned about the amount of negative space he creates beneath their vaginas than drawing them correctly?

Earth 2: Society #7

Where does your dick go when you fuck a Mother Box?

I know that's not a Motherbox! What kind of a sorry excuse for a comic book nerd do you take me for? Jimmy has obviously invented the Earth-Too Rubik's Cube.

Is this Wilson's final issue of Earth-2: Society? For his sake, he'd better hope so because I'm getting super pissed at having to read his boring fucking bullshit. I'm so angry that I have to read this! It doesn't help that I spent all day yesterday sick from either having ingested milk with my Superman cereal or allergic to something in the air or simply had a fucking migraine from getting very little sleep while stupid Tim and his stupid fucking assistant rebuilt the kitchen. Fucking noisy cocksuckers.

Every time I call somebody a cocksucker, I immediately think, "Why is that an insult?! People who suck cocks should be lauded and praised!" Even though it sounds so good being yelled at somebody (probably because of the double hard "K" sound (or is that what makes it funny?)), I should probably stop using it as an insult. I wonder if I've ever actually called somebody a cocksucker in anger in real life? I highly doubt it. I think the only thing I've ever called somebody in anger was motherfucker because the worst thing I can imagine putting them through is fucking my mother. But cocksucker? That's the kind of thing you call your friend when he shoots down all of your bombers in Axis and Allies.

Oh! Oh! Get how this issue opens! It's fucking Melville on toast!

Please fucking indulge them! For god's sake, be interesting!

Green Lantern continues his thought about how he's the heart of this new planet which screams out for protection. No it doesn't. Get your own dick out of your mouth and try thinking about the planet from its own point of view. Oh wait. It's a planet. It doesn't have one. It's just a hunk of rock which you transformed into a hunk of rock with green shit clinging to it. What does it really matter if Jimmy Olsen transforms the planet back into a replica of Earth-2? It harms nobody but your own ego, Green Lantern. It's as if somebody took a child's drawing and sprayed white out all over it so they could draw something more comprehensible upon it. Okay, so that sounds like a bit of a dick move but it doesn't matter in the long run and the kid probably won't remember especially after you soothe it with a bowl of ice cream and as much Sponge Bob as it can stand.

Well, at least he's being honest with himself. "The continents of my soul." Christ, Green Lantern, who do you think you are? The Walt Whitman of Earth-Too?

Huntress and Red Arrow are helping Jimmy Olsen transform the world back into home. For some reason, they believe they can trust him. But I have a feeling that putting his dick in Batdad's Earth-2 back-up cube will have repercussions of a disgusting nature.

The battle that was taking place in Erebus City wraps up because they're needed in New Gotham. Doctor Impossible's delaying tactic didn't get him as long a delay as he'd have liked but I guess that's what happens when your delay tactic is a guy on drugs, a girl who doesn't want to do the dishes, and a ugly emo guy. It seems Jimmy Olsen isn't as smart as he thinks he is pitting that group against The Flash and Superman. Also Batdick but, really, who cares about Batdick when you've got Flash and Superman? Aside from DC Comics' accountant.

Even though Superman keeps harping on about how they don't have time to battle Hourman, once they get to New Gotham to help, he decides to have that conversation with Kara he's been putting off for a year.

And, of course, she still believes the stupid bullshit she was told by horrible people. Although it's stuff which should make her feel sympathy for Val instead of anger but sympathy doesn't play well in comic books. Why can't sympathy cause more punching?

Red Tornado flies in to help because she's important to the story too for some reason. This must be the big finale since everybody is gathering together in New Gotham. Except for Hawkcop. Maybe she'll fly in at the end with the cavalry. Although that would mean this is only part one of a two part finale. So forget Hawkcop. I'm going to hope she's lost in the jungle still searching for the missing ship.

As the Genesis Machine begins to transform Earth-Too into, presumably, New New Genesis, The Huntress begins to realize something is wrong. She and Red Arrow instantly switch sides and ask that everybody forgive them for having horrifically bad judgment.

The battle could be over in just a few seconds if Power Girl and Superman would stop fighting. They must have been told to back off for a bit because the comic book needed to be twenty pages long.

Oh good. They worked out their problems while their friends were getting their asses handed to them. How nice.

The biggest problem with comic book tropes is how fans accept and embrace them. "Well, what do you expect? That's comic books!" As if the way a comic book story should be told was handed down by god on high and we just have to accept them. With all due respect to Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, they aren't gods. We, as humans, have the power to change how comic book stories are told! Heroes don't have to constantly fight other heroes! Or, if one of them in particular usually acts that way, maybe the others should shun that hero? Like how nobody ever liked having Guy Gardner on the team because he was a complete tool. Or maybe they should learn to hash out their problems in private instead of waiting until the world is in danger to work through their issues with each other?

Working together like a society who promotes justice, the heroes manage to destroy Batdad's Back-up Drive and imprison Newest God James Olsen in Green Lantern light. All of the normal people standing around watching instead of running for cover high five each other and point and ask for autographs.

So incarcerating a person forever by the heroes own whim is justice? Is there some kind of law against terraforming this world? If so, how come Green Lantern wasn't arrested?

Who needs law when you have superheroes who know they're fighting for right and justice? Obviously the populace has nothing to fear because they wouldn't be called heroes if they didn't have a finely tuned sense of ethics! I'd be more comfortable allowing heroes to incarcerate supervillains without any trials if they would treat other "heroes" as supervillains when the other "heroes" did shit that endangered the public. Like maybe throw those Teen Titans in juvie for a bit. That'd go a long way to earn a bit of my trust back.

Earth 2: Society #7 Rating: No change. Oh shit! How many issues of Earth-2 (including World's End) have we had to endure without a Justice Society? About five million, I think?! It looks like they might finally be forming their little Justice League! Although judging by the way things have been going in this alternate universe, somebody is going to begin bickering with somebody else and they'll all get pissed off and go back to living in separate cities with their grudges for roommates.

Earth 2: Society #6

Calling Anarky "evil" seems a bit over the top. She just has a different opinion on how life should be lived. One with which I don't completely disagree.

I'm pretty sure the Anarky of Earth-Too is female no matter how non-female the Anarky on the cover looks. But then, it's not Anarky's responsibility to proclaim her gender through appearance. Although if she's the kind of person who gets offended when somebody misgenders her by using the wrong pronoun then she can just completely fuck off. Sometimes people don't use the correct pronoun. Who can blame anybody when everybody is trying to look as androgynous as possible! You'd think being accidentally misgendered would be a fucking compliment nowadays! And it's really strange that the most important piece of information on a person's Tumblr is their pronouns yet they risk going out into public without a button or pin stuck to their chest informing everyone they meet of this fact. Although I did once see one young person with a "He/His" button on his backpack that enabled me to type this sentence with the utmost confidence that he wanted to be called he within it.

Look, young people. We know it's cool and trendy to be all-the-sexuals or none-of-the-sexuals but definitely not the regular-old-vanilla-sexuals. And it's hip and groovy to be all-the-genders or none-of-the-genders or some-new-genders-that-haven't-been-thought-up-yet because it makes you interesting and cutting edge and not your parents. Fine. Whatever. Go to town! But don't think you're any different than every other generation of young people all striving to be cool and trendy in whatever was cool and trendy for the time. Also stay off my fucking lawn. If I wanted it to be full of glitter and squees, I'd let strippers wrestle on it.

The worst thing about youth is that it's a standing wave. There are always young people who think they're the first people to ever be young. They're the first people to ever think of an idea. They're the first people who really want to change the world. They're the first people whose parents don't understand them. It's a constant equation. But it's a constant equation with constantly changing variables which quickly don't include you. As you move away from it, you see how it never really changes in any substantive manner. The youths currently in the wave think they're rocking the fucking world. But just wait. The further and further you move from it, the more times you see the faces and style of that wave change but nothing that really matters. And then you just get tired of hearing how the youth know better than everybody else as they point out everything that's already been said and done before.

Tonight I just watched a very special Christmas episode of The Love Boat from around 1986. Peter Scolari (Commissioner Loeb from Gotham for the kids) mentions how when he was younger, his sister had a story book about a princess who went around saving princes and knights in distress. See, Youths? You didn't think of that. That's not your revolutionary idea. Although it would be something you'd be amazed to hear, turn into a gif set, and then proclaim, "Guys! This was in 1986!" As if everybody in the 20th Century was just dripping in cholera as they waded through streets full of feces decrying anybody who would stand against the Patriarchy. Of course it wasn't like that! There were packs of rabid stray dogs everywhere as well.

I'm glad I'm behind a paywall now so I don't have to listen to youths screech at me for opinions they might remember when they eventually hit forty and think to themselves, "Oh yeah. Got it."

Last issue, Batdick, The Flash, and Superman saved Neotropolis from being crushed by the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5, Commander Sato's ship. They realized that the villain behind it was The Newest God Jim Olsen who now calls himself Doctor Impossible so I can stop typing the awkward phrase "The Newest God." They've gone to stop him in his home: the evil city of Erebus which you can tell is evil because it was named Erebus. Doctor Impossible isn't the subtlest guy on the block. But luckily all of the heroes have been caught up in a lot of drama over the past year, so nobody had the passing thought, "Erebus? Really? What the fuck might be going on over there?!"

Doctor Impossible has a few teammates. Johnny Sorrow. Anarky. And a new guy who isn't really new but has yet another new version of himself.

Instead of being a drug addict who gets sort of strong for an hour after taking a pill, the new Hourman becomes a god for an hour after sacrificing a goat.

No, I was wrong. Hourman's just another junkie hopped up on Miraclo.

Doctor Impossible uses Hourman to distract the super friends while he gets away to go see "an old friend." That's when the story flashes back to the origin of Earth-Too Hourman. He's basically the son of the original Hourman, Rex Tyler. So this is the Infinity Inc. Rick Tyler Son of Hourman Hourman.

After the flashback is over, Doctor Impossible visits with Helena Wayne to recruit her to his side. He just wants Earth-2 back instead of having to live on Green Lantern's Earth-Too. So the "evil" side simply wants to try to rebuild their planet at the cost of destroying the Earth-Too created out of the head of Green Lantern. How about they compromise and give Doctor Impossible and his group the evil bottom half of Earth-Too while everybody else can remain on the good top half! I'm sure Green Lantern can move all life into the Northern Hemisphere and then build a big green wall around the equator so that the Southern Hemisphere can be terraformed. It totally sounds like the kind of thing that happens in comic books all of the time! It's certainly no worse an idea than Gotham's Underground!

Earth 2: Society #6 Rating: No change. Hey! Guess what has been a bad idea in this comic book before and continues to be a bad idea? Setting Huntress and Power Girl against each other! Because who doesn't have just the worst memories of their friendship in Worlds' Finest, right? What an awfully joyous and chipper that relationship was! Pee-yuke! So many hugs and laughs and good times! What a wretched idea! But now it's being fixed by putting them at odds against each other. Well done, comic book and writer and editor. Good show! I hate you all.

Earth 2: Society #5

These beers must be from the eighties when jagged, purple-pink font was way extreme.

Last issue, Batdick got all up in Val-el's face and accused him of murder. I hope "getting up in one's face" is the appropriate slang term for what I want to say and not a sex move. If it's a sex move then people reading this critique of Earth 2: Society #5 are going to think it's much more enjoyable than it really is. They may have already switched over to Comixology to buy it based on the apparent face fucking that took place last issue. While they're there, they're probably also picking up the free comic book, "The Colonel of Two Worlds." I bet that shit is riveting!

Oh, um, anyway, Batdick, Val-el, and The Flash got into a bit of a scuffle. Eventually Batdick calmed down and magnanimously decided to believe that Val-el was too heartbroken to kill Terry Sloan. And it was right about then that the world government ship, The Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5, came barreling out of the sky headed for Power Girls' home city of Neotropolis!

Excuse me? When did you assholes become a team? Was there an Issue #4.5 that I missed?!

Batdick is saying "There's nothing you can do" to The Flash in that page I scanned up there. Hey, Batdick! Guess what? There's nothing you can do either! Are you going to hook the ship with your Dickgrapple and swing it to safety? How many exploding Dickarangs will you have to throw to get it to change course? Oh wait! I know what you can do! You can apologize for being a complete prick to Val-el and ask him to please keep the ship from crashing into the Earth. Oh wait! You can't do that either because it's a red sun morning! I suppose you can begin thinking up a speech honoring all the people of Neotropolis who are about to die.

The Flash has this really great joke he says while on the Batwing as they're approaching the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5. He says, "I think you're confused, Superman. Dying while near each other isn't the same thing as being on a team." Ha ha! Such a good response to Val-el saying, "We're a team!" Although his timing is a little off being that Val-el said that back on land and before the conversation had moved on to how they were going to save Neotropolis. I suppose his Speed Powers fuck with his sense of timing. Or, even taking into account his Super Speed of Thought, it took him that long to come up with a witty remark.

The Batwing lands on the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5 and Commander Sato greets them in the hanger. I guess everybody on board the ship is immune to the gravitational forces, the inertia, or the momentum (whichever one would make it so that Commander Sato was not standing around screaming "We need somebody fast! Is anybody fast with you?!" and instead would be smashed against the inner hull) because Commander Sato greets the heroes and screams, "We need somebody fast! Is anybody fast with you?!" The Flash responds with "Why are you all looking at me?" A-ha! I see why his joke came so late and why he doesn't respond appropriately to Sato's cry for help! All of his super accelerating has smashed his brain against the inside of his skull one or more too many times! The jerk has brain damage!

Severe brain damage, apparently. He needs Val-el and Batdick to explain why they shouldn't be the ones to run fast?!

The Flash decides to have a flashback to one year ago when everybody was building cities all over Earth-Too. He helps long enough to realize that he probably shouldn't be living with his mother anymore. A few months later, he runs into Hawkcop who tells him how one of the ships that went down hasn't been turned into a city because nobody can find it. She needs his help because he can check everywhere on Earth-Too in just a few minutes. Although from his perspective, it'll probably feel like decades. But nobody ever fucking cares how toilsome things seem from The Flash's perspective. Just do the job quickly and stop whining!

The Flash is just a nineteen year old kid who is suddenly acting like a nineteen year old kid. If you're familiar with him from those other comic books I don't recommend anybody ever read, Earth-2 and World's End, then you might have forgotten that he's young, immature, and not very responsible. Mostly because he wasn't written that way but partially because you probably forgot that he wasn't written that way. Now he's into drinking and partying and not helping people because work is for adults and suckers! Somehow the alcohol on Earth-Too is strong enough to not be super metabolized by The Flash, so he gets so drunk that he misses meeting up with Hawkcop in the morning. He's such a failure!

Remember how everybody on Earth-You suck at being reasonable adults and mostly just act like terrified, ignorant idiots? Well, the people of Earth-Too aren't any better. When they see a superhero who isn't a robot (they react like the people of Earth-You when they encounter a robot because robots are fucking creepy, man), they mob him and insist that they help him solve their problems.

"There's too many of you! Don't push me! There's too little of me! Don't crowd me! Help yourselves!"

Newest God Jimmy Olsen appears to help Flash out of his predicament. They wind up in Erebus which is also known as Shadowtown. It's a city where Jimmy rules as a God. He wants Flash to join him for some reason which might have to do with putting a wiener into a butthole since I can't think of anything else Newest God Jim can't get for himself with his godly powers. But The Flash gets shy and nervous and runs away instead of accepting Newest God Jim's offer.

The Flash stops remembering things and believes he might have an idea on how to save the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-5. It's the kind of idea that BatDick should have thought up but he didn't. He probably knew that he should keep his Dickmouth shut and let The Flash build up some confidence by saving the day himself. Val-el strips Batdick of his Dickarmor and puts it on The Flash instead. Now The Flash is both strong enough and fast enough to save the day! Which he does! And while he saves the day, Batdick figures out who the real enemy is. It's not Terry Sloan because he died, remember? No, it's Newest God Jim Olsen!

Earth 2: Society #5 Rating: No change. So far, Green Lantern terraformed the planet they're on to make it look like Earth-2. But that wasn't good enough for The Huntress and Red Arrow, so they were going to terraform the world to be exactly like Earth-2 which would kill all of the life Green Lantern had just created. That was bad for some reason. But it didn't matter because Terry Sloan stole the Source Vault, reprogrammed it, and was about to terraform the world into an Earth-2 that was favorable to him! But he was killed, so Green Lantern's Earth was safe! Until now! Because Newest God Jim Olsen's plan is to terraform the Earth in his image, killing everything and everybody that doesn't worship him! I think somebody just needs to destroy this Source Vault already or else Earth-Too is going to be constantly on the brink of destruction as one person or the next steals the Source Vault so they can remake the world to their advantage. That probably won't happen until every character has gotten a chance to have a flashback issue though. I'm having a tough time deciding what's so interesting about this comic book which is why this was just a summation of events so far as opposed to a superb philosophical essay on whatever the major themes of this comic book are. The ethics of terraforming? The corrupting influence of power? Oedipal attractions within the brain damaged minds of super speedsters? How violence trumps pacifism in mainstream superhero comic books? The misogynistic reflections of the patriarchy through the view of the boob window?

Earth 2: Society #4

Yay! A comic book issue about a pacifist!

This episode of Lost focuses on Val-zod. Since Kara is currently upset with him, my guess is the flashbacks will be heavy on the infidelity.

"Kara's vagina. Not Kara's vagina. What's the big deal?!"

What is Daniel H. Wilson's hard-on for this whole creation and destruction are two sides of the same stupid philosophy?! Didn't the Terry Sloan issue focus on this shit too? Goddammit. Am I being tricked into reading one of those stories where the story is a defense for itself?! Is Daniel H. Wilson not confident enough to just tear apart the history of Earth 2 so he has to explain to the reader how he couldn't help destroying that history in his effort to create something new and kind of boring? Maybe I'm being overly sensitive about this but after Snyder wasted a few issues of Batman trying to convince his readers to trust the whole Commissioner Batman thing, and the way Marguerite Bennett spent half of the Lobo Villains Issue telling the reader to suck her nuts because Twat Lobo is what they're getting and they're going to fucking like it, I can't help but feel I'm in for more of the same. It's also possible my cynicism is currently set to "Way Too Fucking Sensitive" and this is just Wilson's way of comparing Sloan and Val-Zod. See, Sloan is the destroyer who thinks he's creating and Val-Zod is creating with the realization that he's coming dangerously close to simply destroying. Or something. I just hope the adultery happens soon.

Val-Zod has created a city called Crossroads where misfits and factory defect toys live. The Flash has come for a visit because he probably realizes his desire to bone his mom means he should live far away from Midwest City. Batdick has also stopped by but he's just here to arrest Val-Zod for killing Terry Sloan. I don't think that was really Val-zod's fault since Val-zod is a pacifist. Or at least he was. I think that whole pacifist thing was forgotten three issues into Val-zod's existence. Now he's just black Superman who does all the same stupid shit that white Superman does. I had such high hopes for a Superman who solved problems with his brains and occasionally his penis.

Wow. Batdick has grown up to become a real cop! *tears of joy*

A brand new Earth 2 in a brand new galaxy and nothing fucking changes. Some guy is murdered and the black guy gets blamed. Good job, Grayson! You're an embarrassment to your Earth-You counterpart!

The Flash keeps Batman from beating on Val-Zod long enough for Val-Zod to believe Batdick actually deserves to have things explained to his violent ass. I guess that helps the readers so I don't mind. Explicate away, Superman! Don't be stingy on the graphic details of the probably violent sex with your mistress!

Superman's flashback is about how he and Kara fell in love and how even when the two of them are drawn really small, Jimenez has to highlight the gap between Kara's legs. Hey, comic book artists. Women's thighs actually do fucking touch. It's a condition known as "not starving."

Superman also repeats the thing about creating and destroying being two ingredients in the recipe of shitty philosophy.

The story also has an antagonist!

Oh! Anarky is female! Do I smell infidelity?!

I just realized you can't spell pacifist without "ass" and "fist". That probably means something sexy, right? Or just painful?

Sloan blasts the area where Anarky was with a laser from space and knocks out a bunch of civilians while missing Anarky. The Sandmen arrive to maintain order and Superman punches one of them in the face. So, yeah, I guess I should just give up on the whole pacifism thing. It was a nice thought to have a Superman who refused to resort to violence because he couldn't be killed by anything attacking him anyway, so why does he have to lower himself to their level? Instead, Val-Zod is just another Superman with violent outbursts who loses his powers occasionally due to the red sun in binary orbit with a yellow sun at the center of their new solar system. I guess destroying to create doesn't really specify anything about innovation and imagination.

Power Girl and Superman use one of the Sandmen's teleporters to transport themselves to Sloan's ship, the Overwatch-One. Could he come up with a more fascist name than that? Maybe the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-Five?

And then Superman gets to the part of the story where Power Girl finds out he lied to her about something that could only hurt her if she found out about it and so now she hates him forever for lying. I've said how idiotic this is before and I'll keep saying it because writers keep writing it but this whole false drama due to somebody keeping something hidden from somebody else is the laziest shit a writer can pull. Unless, of course, it's actually accurate to the way the majority of people act in their own personal relationships. Can that be true? Are most people this petty? Are most people constantly looking for any crack or flaw or sign of weakness in a person they love so that they can lord it over them and feel self-righteous in their anger and indignation?! Is our world actually just full of children who look like adults? Fuck me. No wonder I hate leaving my house.

Basically Superman's explanation to Batdick about why he's innocent of killing Terry Sloan just sounds like more reasons why he probably killed Terry Sloan. The idiot fell for the trap! Never fucking talk to the police, no matter how innocent you know you are! They'll only hear the bits of what you tell them that confirm their initial beliefs! See, police are just as dumb as everybody else. And most people are really fucking dumb. Nearly all of them. Probably 98% of you reading this are just complete morons. It's just a simple fact!

Hey Batdick! Do you know where your kid is? Ha ha!

It's nearly the last page when I realize the city isn't called Crossroads at all. It's called Nexus. Way to make that fucking clear at the beginning, Wilson!

The issue ends with Batdick getting a message from Mister Terrific about how the Hitler/Sauron-Dreamcrusher-Five has been hacked and is plummeting into New Earth 2's atmosphere and headed straight for Neotropolis! I don't know why Mister Terrific called Batdick. What is he going to do? Throw a Dickarang at it?

Earth 2: Society #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm not super excited about raising this comic book up the rankings but this issue, at the very least, held my interest much more than the others. So what if I can't stand Power Girl's bullshit motivation for suddenly hating Superman? It's not like that same motivation has ever been able to stop me watching three seasons of Arrow! Anyway, I'm sure Sloan has faked his death and is working with Anarky because isn't that the way governments truly control their people? By infiltrating rebellious and dissenting organizations and steering them toward acts which will cause the public to clamor for more governmental controls?! So that's kind of interesting. Although it's still only the type of interesting that's made up in my head and not the kind of interesting that Daniel H. Wilson has put into this comic. I'm just trusting that he'll do the right thing and write the story how I would write it. That means a lot more sex and drugs and kittens riding raccoons riding goats.

Earth 2: Society #3

Humans in comic books are assholes.

I have a problem with these humans passionately hating androids. But I wouldn't have a problem if the angry mob was simply trying to destroy local television reporters. Fuck those guys. What a bunch of smug dildos. The current promo for the local Fox 12 news team in Portland, Oregon, is not the usual bunch of lies and half-truths to sell viewers on why Fox 12 is the best local news in the area. No, the current promo is pretty much a hand job to the residents of Portland. "We're intellectuals and coffee fanatics, vegetable growers and book lovers. We're hikers and bikers, amazing lovers and spectacular kissers. We hardly ever kill children for the Dark Lord and we rarely ever summon Great Old Ones. Blah blah blah. Tell me when you're going to come and I'll swallow it." I hate you, Fox 12. I hate everything about you from the chipmunk who does the weather in the morning to the female Joker who does the weather in the evening to that lazy-eyed newscaster on Sunday nights. But I hate the people who worship at your white-teethed altar even more. Go to hell.

I suppose I would be leading the angry mob on the cover of this issue. I know why I hate Tornado Lane! Let's find out why they do!

They might hate her because she begins the issue Narration Boxing, "Balance is an illusion. We're always moving. The question is...which direction? Straight ahead, of course. Where the story is." What? Why bring up balance to get to going after the story? It must be part of her Red Tornado Anti-Dizziness program kicking in. "Balance is an illusion. We are never actually perfectly balanced. We are just constantly in a state of falling down! Everybody's life is a decaying orbit around a lifeless planet full of poor decisions and regret! But the question is...did I use the ellipsis correctly? What Manual of Style do I use on Fake Earth 2? Do I start a new one altogether or do I continue to worship at the altar of Earth-33's Chicago Manual of Style? Am I, the only reporter on New Earth-2, doing important work for the good of the community or am I just a needy asshole who's deluded themselves into thinking they're serving the community by relabeling local gossip as news?"

The story Tornado Lane is currently after is the one where Terry Sloan is going to terraform Green Lantern's New Earth-2 back into Old Earth-2. That will probably destroy the local television news station, so if Tornado Lane wants to report on this story, she'd better help stop him. Are reporters allowed to get involved? Isn't there some kind of Hippocratic Oath for reporters and newscasters? I suppose if there were, they wouldn't have allowed their profession to become such a disrespected source for pap and bullshit. Hey media?! How about talking about things that matter like how Bernie Sanders could change the face of our political process while also increasing voter turnout by a huge percentage because suddenly there is a candidate that matters instead of incessantly whinging on and on about how Donald Trump needs to apologize to one of your own?

Can we also stop constantly demanding apologies from other people? We're ruining the entire concept! Apologies were not meant to be demanded and used to punish and humiliate people who offended or hurt you. If somebody offended or hurt you, point out that they offended and hurt you and that they're assholes and move the fuck on. If you demand an apology and they apologize, it means nothing. Apologies are meant to be said by people who actually regret something they've done. Apologies are not political shows just to get people off of their backs. There's a reason nobody finds apologies sincere anymore. Because they aren't. They're spin control. They're press releases. They mean nothing unless they're given freely and without coercion. Stop being so preciously thin-skinned! Y'all love victimhood so much it makes my butt hurt.

Currently everybody on New Earth-2 is about to be victimized by Terry Sloan. After they defeat him, they'll probably demand an apology.

There was no indigenous life on this planet. Green Lantern imagined it all into existence! And why does an android need glasses?!

I suppose only the handful of Twofers who suffered through Convergence know that the "indigenous" life on this planet was all created by Alan Scott's ring. Too bad he didn't make Planet Brainiac exactly like Earth 2 instead of whatever the fuck he made it like. I probably would have turned it into Greyhawk.

For some reason, Kara and Val-zod are not getting along. I guess they dated for awhile. Kara was probably under the impression they were monogamous and Val-zod was under the impression that hot reporter androids don't count as cheating and now Power Girl can't stand to look at Superman. Unless it was something not so cliche. I didn't guess the most boring possibility because it was the only thing I could come up with. I'm guessing the most boring possibility because Daniel H. Wilson has yet to truly impress me with any of his Earth-2 stories. Although I do enjoy how Dick Grayson keeps losing his kid. That's hilarious.

As Power Girl begins destroying the Genesis Machine, Lois Lane begins the part of Earth 2: Society that takes place one year ago when everybody arrived on the planet.

This is my reaction when the Robot Teller at the grocery store tells me to please remove my groceries and have a nice day.

Jesus Christ! Hey, writers! Not everybody is out to beat the shit out of anybody they find who's different from themselves! I'm sorry if a group of kids beat you up for reading books in junior high and shit but those assholes weren't the entire school! I suppose it does help to feel good and righteous if you believe everybody else is a complete dickhole. But you know what else feels better?! Masturbation! Hmm, I think I lost the thread of my thoughts.

Lois remembers first meeting the new Alan Scott.

Alan Scott: "Lois?"
Lois Lane: "I'm not Lois anymore! Alan?"
Alan Scott: "I'm not Alan anymore! But you're totally Lois!"
Lois Lane?: "No! I'm a robot without a home!"
Alan Scott?: "This is your home! It's totally different and not actually it but atomically, chemically, and biologically...it's the same!"
Lois Lane?: "That makes no sense."
Alan Scott?: "You make no sense!"
Lois Lane?: "Oh yeah?! How about this? Does this make sense: 'What about you, Alan? We're safe now. The ships have landed. Our society has to be rebuilt. When are you going to take off that ring?'"
Alan Scott?: *Leaves because Lois's programming has obviously been damaged and she isn't worth talking to*

Tornado Lane traveled the world for weeks after the Twofers crash-landed on it. She checked out Neotropolis where Val and Kara were holding hands and canoodling. She visited Midwest City where Jay Garrick was desperately trying to resist fucking his mom. She visited Erebus where Jimmy Olsen was forming the Cult of Freckles. And she visited the wilderness where Hawk Cop had decided to go full Walden. Or she was looking for the TSS Aphrodite so she could be the master of one of the new cities too.

Walls? Lois is impressed the humans could build walls?! "Hey look! You idiots managed to stack some bricks together! Good for you!"

Actually, the "walls" Lois is talking about are walls full of posters of survivors' missing family members. And even though Lois was now a robot and hated and feared by all humans with a lick of sense, she flew around and helped reunite some families. Lois Lane learned to smile again! And to also wear clothing! And fake hipster glasses! She can also cry which seems like a weird thing to program into a military android built to battle the parademons of Apokolips. General Lane must be a either a huge softy or a sadistic asshole. "I will make a robot that deals death and feels shame and remorse for all the vile things it will do in the name of war!"

Back to the present, Green Lantern appears to shut down the Genesis Machine before it can transform New Earth-2 into a Dungeons and Dragons world. Jerk. But he doesn't arrive until Terry Sloan is murdered and the Source Vault has disappeared! Oh no! The whole world is in jeopardy now! If somebody else begins a terraforming with evil intent, how will Green Lantern be able to stop it again in just a matter of seconds?!

Earth 2: Society #3 Rating: No change. Batman Beyond is just a continuation of the most boring parts of Futures End. And this is just a continuation of Earth 2 which was the most boring part of Earth 2. I can see some possibilities for this being an interesting comic book but it keeps running afoul of comic book cliches like using phrases such as "running afoul of". Here's my final though on this issue:

I'm glad Tornado Lane decided to wear clothing! It's so much more titillating when there's the illusion that she's trying to cover them up!

Earth 2: Society #2

Not only are the characters of Society living in Macross City, they're all beginning to resemble Robotech characters.

This issue is from Terry Sloan's point of view. He begins with the following thought: "To create, one must destroy." I guess that's true. To create a turd, I often have to destroy a bathroom. So, philosophically, the statement holds up. Besides, people wouldn't keep repeating it if it wasn't true, would they? It seems like a quote that a selfish jerk would say to rationalize kicking over somebody else's sand castle so that they can build their sand castle in the exact same location. It's an old saying so I think it should be changed to reflect modern times. I submit this quote: "If anybody is creative, we must destroy them!" It's almost certainly the motto of this blog!

Everybody is after Terry Sloan because he's an arrogant jerko genius which obviously makes him the bad guy. Smart people always have ulterior motives. Dumb people do too but nobody worries about dumb people coming up with a workable plan to successfully satisfy their darkest desires. Dumb people are also too busy pointing out how smart people lack common sense with devastating arguments like, "Smart people lack common sense." They never offer any proof because, like that destroying and creating quote, it just seems to be true by dint of so many people repeating it. Plus it consoles dumb people to constantly repeat it. I say it no less than five times per day. I mean, it just makes common sense that smart people don't have any common sense.

Hell, I'm dumb and I don't have any common sense! I just picked up a dusty toothpick, wiped it off with my horribly dirty fingers, and then stuck it between my teeth! I probably just implanted some bacteria that are going to travel straight to my brain and murder me! Man, why did I do that?! This is more upsetting and troubling than that time I had sex with a hooker without a condom! I suppose the heroin I shot up in the used needle caused me to make some bad decisions that night.

Speaking of horrible decisions. Yeesh, Flash.

Terry Sloan is busy prepping to terraform the planet. I'm not sure how he got his hands on Bruce's cube with the backup drive of Earth-2 but he's planning on sticking it in his Genesis Machine and bringing back Earth-2. He says, "It will terraform this plane--destroying all native life and replacing it with home." That's why he has to destroy to create! The only problem with this statement is that this planet has no native life. The "native life" of this planet came out of Alan Scott's imagination! What Terry Sloan is doing is the equivalent of tagging over another street artist's creation. That ain't cool, dude. No wonder Green Lantern is so angry.

Sloan has nearly the same flashback Grayson had last issue but with a few differing details. Sloan crashed the other ships on purpose to save them from whatever began attacking the ships upon orbital entry. That attacker was a traitor from within the ship! Which means it was probably Terry Sloan. But for now, let's pretend he's not an evil mastermind and just a victim. Who could possibly have betrayed the Twofers?! I mean besides Terry Sloan! We're trying to think outside of the typical comic book box where the genius is the bad guy and everything that happens is part of the genius's plan! Oh! I bet the real traitor is some other genius!

Terry Sloan remembers back to that day when everybody on board all of the ships he forced to crash land became his enemies. The only people who didn't crash on New Earth-2 were the people aboard the Overwatch-One. That's basically the old World Government and its military and its Sandmen.

Dammit, Sloan! You're making it awfully hard for me to not think you're the traitor like every reader already knows you are!

Sloan does indeed steal the Source Cube on the same day everybody crash lands on New Earth-2. I guess it took a full year to prepare it so he could transform the world into his own likeness. Batdick can't stop him before he pushes the button to terraform the world so I guess everybody on Earth-2 is going to die during the terraforming? Or does it somehow allow for people whose DNA matches that in the Source Vault to survive as everything terraforms around them? I suppose it's the latter thing or else Batdick wouldn't end the comic book with "This should be fun." He would probably end the comic book with, "OH MY GOD NOW I REALLY HAVE TO FIND MY STUPID SON!"

Earth 2: Society #2 Rating: No change. From the Sneak Peek, I thought Red Arrow and The Huntress were the bad guys who were going to use the Source Vault to destroy Green Lantern's world. But apparently I was wrong because I can't be bothered to dig up whatever Convergence issue the Sneak Peek was in to do any fact checking. Since it's not part of this actual series, we can just forget it ever happened anyway, right? The bad guy is now the bad guy that we expected: Terry Sloan. Although it's a surprise that Commander Sato and the Sandmen are fighting on his side. I hope Terry Sloan programmed the Genesis Machine to transform New Earth-2 into Golden Age Earth-2! I want to read some World War II stories with the Justice Society!