Friday, December 30, 2022

Justice League America #35 (February 1990)

Now I'm tempted to deface every Rothko painting with a tiny ice floe covered in superheroes.

When Kooey Kooey Kooey Island woke up and floated away last issue, much of the infrastructure on the island was destroyed. The Justice League teleporters sank to the bottom of the Pacific but, thanks to Kilowog being some kind of a technological and engineering genius, remained powered on. This was unfortunate for reasons you're probably guessing at right now.

Max Lord survives this catastrophe.

I'm a dumb person reading a dumb comic book which creates two major problems when discussing this scene. The first is that I'm too stupid to know if Max Lord should survive something like this. The second is that it's a comic book so who cares because he does. The other people who have no problem with teleporting to the bottom of the ocean: Oberon and The Huntress. The people who teleported? Max Lord, Oberon, The Huntress, and Ice. Instead of popping straight up to the surface, Ice takes a side trip into a Hentai adventure.

Me at my first Anime convention in San Jose in the mid-90s watching the late night movie which followed me crying my way through Sailor Moon R: The Movie: "Oh boy! More innocent young people finding love and friendship! Um. Wait. What?!"

The Huntress interrupts a surefire erotic story arc by shooting a crossbow bolt through the Man-o-War's, um, head? It'll probably be okay, right?! Ice is delirious from either the poison stings of the jellyfish or the lady blue balls. Luckily everybody else is okay. Unluckily, none of them are useful members of the Justice League. Not that there were a lot of members to choose from who would have been useful here. The one time Aquaman would be handy and he's off fucking around with Beetle and Booster at the Kooey Kooey Kooey Resort, Casino, and Kaiju Experience.

Is this the reason Max Lord gives in Infinite Crisis for murdering Beetle?

What is Ice going to do about it?! She's still shaken from witnessing The Huntress murder her new lover! She's going to be useless! I mean other than to make an ice floe for everybody like on the cover, I guess.

Meanwhile, some creep keeps going through the Justice League New York Embassy garbage. He doesn't reveal what exactly he's looking for but it looks like he's collecting their hair! Maybe he's going to clone them to create a whole Justice League of Bizarro heroes. And since Bizarro versions of characters do exactly the opposite of their namesakes, the Bizarro Justice League will be a competent team of super heroes who constantly save the world.

Back on Kooey Kooey Kooey Island, Major Disaster reveals himself to Beetle, Booster, and Aquaman in the hopes that he can help anchor the island to a nearby underwater active volcano. Beetle flips the fuck out because he recognizes him as the guy who won all of their money in the casino and since Major Disaster is a known super villain, he assumes shenanigans. But there were no shenanigans other than some minor card counting by a dufus and if your casino loses all of its money to a card counter, I'm pretty sure that's on your casino for not establishing precautions against smart people beating your system with one of their own. Unless Big Sir's power to read cards is magic and then I don't know what the laws are because the real world has never had to make laws dealing with magical abilities. But even knowing what a card is before it is played can only help you marginally in Blackjack. It'll keep you from busting but you've got no control over what the house's hand is. So if Major Disaster and Big Sir busted the house, I don't see anything suspicious there except maybe a really incredible run of good luck.

Since the team floating on ice in the middle of the Pacific are probably going to die, Max Lord decides to tell The Huntress that he used his psychic powers to force her into joining the League.

The Huntress reacting appropriately to the information.

The Huntress, realizing the implications of a man with the willingness to use an ability in this way, intends to murder him. And, just for the record, Oberon doesn't lift a finger to help. This raises my esteem for both characters because imagine if The Huntress had snapped Max Lord's neck and tossed him to sharks here? Wonder Woman wouldn't have had to do it fifteen years later! And Blue Beetle would never have been killed! I don't mean to suggest that The Huntress wimped out like The Batman would have done and realized killing Max would take her over a line leading to killing more easily. She definitely intended to kill Max here in the Pacific but Max, realizing he's going to die, uses his powers yet again! This time he makes The Huntress let go and forget about his confession so he can go back to seeming like a guy who doesn't mind rape people.

Max doesn't tell Oberon to forget though and Oberon doesn't shove Max into the ocean which puts my esteem for Oberon back to about where it was. Which is to say I don't really think about him that often. Max promises Oberon that he'll straighten it out with The Huntress later but since Max lives to be killed by Wonder Woman fifteen years later, I'm guessing he never again broaches the subject with her.

Major Disaster saying what we're all thinking.

Remember that thing about how I was stupid and also this is a comic book? I've never been clear on how Aquaman's power works. He can speak with fish and ask them politely to help and they always decide to help because they're so dumb? Isn't that just as bad as ordering them to do what he wants when he wants them to? And if he can "speak with fish," how come he can also speak with whales and dolphins? Does that just mean he can talk psychically talk to anything that happens to be in water? But then he sometimes talks with lizards and things, the writer at the time always saying some dumb shit about accessing the part of the brain which evolved from fish? Is he just a less stylish Max Lord from the ocean who knows better than to coerce people and so sticks to lesser and dumber animals? Oh, and dolphins! I think digging down into how Aquaman's powers work really makes me hate Aquaman even more than I already hated Aquaman which was substantial. I'd rather believe he gives them orders and they slavishly have to follow his orders or else he causes them great psychic pain. He's a terrible super hero so why not just make him a dick as well?

Also, if Aquaman and the whales are "brothers, equals working together," how often does Aquaman help the whales to move or give them rides to their whale airports? I bet somebody has written an Aquaman story where Aquaman is helping sea creatures and I don't mean helping them in a "Hey, our habitat is being screwed by a super villain in his base" kind of story because that, ultimately, is just a normal super hero comic book story. I mean he helps some lobsters decorate the ocean floor for a big lobster quadrille or something.

Major Disaster causes the volcano to erupt just as the whales push the island over the lava flow which quickly cools underwater, leaving the island firmly attached to the ocean floor. And probably causing a bunch of underground pressure now that the lava can't vent which means it'll probably blow out the side causing a tsunami which will kill hundreds of thousands of Pacific Islanders.

While underwater, Aquaman hears a bunch of agitated sharks and swims off to investigate. So maybe he does help is finny friends! He hears some hungry sharks having trouble getting some food and he's off to help them eat Max Lord, Oberon, The Huntress, and Ice. What a good friend to the fishies!

Before being rescued, Oberon notices hundreds of thousands of dollars floating around in the ocean. So even though they'll all probably be dead soon, Max collects as much of it as he can find. Hopefully, for Blue Beetle and Booster Gold's sake, he'll just manage to get all of the cash back. Maybe Aquaman can demand his stupid fish friends help collect it all. And even though it's legally Major Disaster's cash now, I'm pretty sure Major Disaster won't mind just letting it all go, as long as nobody sues, beats him up, or kills him.

I mean? Were Johns and the other writers of Countdown to Infinite Crisis actually referencing this?!

Anyway, everything works out just fine. Max doesn't kill anybody. The Huntress doesn't kill anybody. J'onn doesn't kill anybody even though he threatens to murder Beetle and Booster when they get home. I'm starting to notice a trend with this group! They're love language is pure violence! That's what comes letting Batman lead the team through fear and intimidation!

Justice League America #35 Rating: B. Once again, nobody who didn't need saving based on the Justice League's actions was saved! Sure, a lot of people stranded on an out-of-control island were saved! But they were saved by Aquaman and Major Disaster and a bunch of whales. So in a way, the Justice League of America were the bad guys in this issue, endangering hundreds of people through their actions. And their leader, Max Lord, admitted to mind rape and probably should have been killed. At the very least, Oberon should have reported him to Batman and J'onn, getting him kicked off the team or imprisoned in Doctor Fate's tower. He's proven himself to be a bad, greedy, terrible person and yet he's still just going to be the leader of this group? Kind of spoils the entire enterprise, doesn't it?

Tuesday, December 27, 2022

Justice League Europe #10 (1990)

Judging by Power Girl's nipple, she's got tiny areolas.

After noticing Power Girl's nipple, I then realized Bart Sears draws The Golden Girls version of Power Girl and now I can't stop thinking about Bea Arthur's tits. I often think about how much I hate my body because it's only there to provide a home for my consciousness but I know one day it will betray me and fail to provide adequate living conditions for the essential me. And then I realize, "Wait a second. What has my body ever done to me? It's my fucking brain that treats me like shit! I never asked to think about Bea Arthur's nipples!" In much the same way I eventually matured and realized that I shouldn't hold any grudges with my mother because the reason my mother and I had such a tempestuous relationship was that she actually stuck around to raise me, doing all of the hard work to keep me alive, and my father, whom I had a friendly relationship with, ditched me when I was two and should actually have all the fucking grudges, I think I've finally realized I should have loved my body way more than my brain all along! Fucking tratior. Piece of shit asshole. I'm no longer feeding you literature, you gray douche! I'm going to hang out with my dick all day from now on!

I just realized the cover says "Story by Giffen and DeMatteis" but really the story is by "Giffen and Loebs" and I wonder how angry Bill Loebs was when he saw the cover of this...oh, you know what? I bet he didn't give a fuck. Look at how shit this cover is? I'd want somebody else's name on it too. Did somebody pitch this as the cover or did Bart Sears have carte blanche to do what he wanted?

Rocket Red: "What is stuff falling from sky?"
Power Girl: "I don't know! What is this?!"
Captain Atom: "Look at my posture! How would I know?!"
Rocket Red: "Picture me looking at butterfly and saying, 'Is this money?' Because being from 80s Russia, I am broke."

I know the cover of this comic book says "Jan 90" but remember that the date on the cover of the comic was always a few months ahead of reality. So this comic book probably came out before the Berlin Wall fell! Oh, maybe that's why all that money is falling from the sky! Some kind of metaphor about capitalism raining down on the rest of the world! Also our puritanical Christian bullshit which is why the Comics Code Authority logo is also raining down from the sky.

Okay, Loeb, I get it! You'd rather be writing crime novels instead of comic books!

None of that opening narration makes any real sense. "A warm, moist Parisian evening" just makes me think I'm having sex with a prostitute three days past her last shower. And the scent of money like a thrilling drug? Have you ever smelled money? It's fucking disgusting! I once found a rolled up one dollar bill and sniffed it hoping there were some residual coke particles on it and all I did was inhale the smell of the paper and ink of it and had a fucking migraine for five hours after. Unless that was from the residual PCP on the bill. Or maybe the dollar had been rolled up to easily slide up somebody's asshole earlier that day? Anyway, that's all speculation! What is not speculation is that I smelled money and I fucking paid the price. Not thrilling. Besides, "the scent of money is like a thrilling drug" makes the least sense of anything I've read today and I've read at least three Elon Musk tweets from The Last of Dying Twitter's Twitter account. So you know this makes no sense at all! I suppose Loeb is trying to say the lure of the money, or the possibility of large sums of cash, is a thrilling prospect, so much so that it's like an addictive drug, pulling and luring you into what will definitely be future trouble.

This issue is called "After the Fox" so I guess we're finally going to get a sexy member for Justice League Europe! I know, I know: that's Animal Man erasure.

Bruce Wayne is in Paris to attend a World Food Organization event to raise money for, well, food, I guess. The host is a mysterious woman named Vivian D'Aramis whom we learn so much about in two pages that you'd have a railroad spike through your head not to realize she's Crimson Fox (or Red Fox or Le Renard Roux or whatever). I hope the ancestors of that guy who got the railroad spike through his head which completely changed his personality aren't reading this because I don't want to offend anybody! The whole point of using the railroad spike through the head metaphor was to avoid using the R-slur and offending everybody!

Maybe in much the way I use the phrase "barn owl" as a secret wink to readers in the know that I'm using an offensive term, I should use "railroad spike through the head" to replace that other word but in a way where I'm winking in a really fast and distracting way to indicate what I really mean but also so that anybody watching me would think, "What's wrong with that spaz?" But they'd probably have to replace "spaz" with something like "guy acting like he just took the six foot drop with a noose around his neck" so nobody online tsk-tsks them for offensive word choices.

A bomb goes off, knocking the gigantic globe filled with money off the stage and sending it careening into the crowd! People will be killed! This is a job for Batman! But Batman is all, "I don't know. I could save them but at the cost of my identity? I don't know. If they're crushed, it's not like me not saving them is equivalent to me killing them, no matter how many Parisian philosophers point out that, yes, actually, it is."

Just in case anybody reading this comic book didn't know Bruce Wayne was Batman, Bart Sears shits out this terrible panel. Thanks, Bart!

Bruce chickens out and decides not to blow his cover while wondering where that fucking barn owl Vivian ran off to. Obviously she's no coward and went to get into her sexy fox costume to save the day, even at the risk of her secret identity being blown. Because, Bruce, some things are more important than your little set of stupid hero rules. I wonder if her parents were killed in a dark alley so that trauma ruled her life until the day a red fox smashed through her sitting room window and she yelled, "Sacre bleu! I shall become a fox because criminals are a cowardly lot and foxes are scary to like 5% of the population!"

The enormous glass ball smashes its way out of the building without breaking because who wouldn't use a bullet proof globe if you were going to fill it with money? That's like "Big Dumb Displays of Wealthy Charity 101"! After the globe crashes onto a car in the street and comes to a stop, a helicopter swoops in and grabs it with a crane on the first try! I bet that pilot owns like five thousand cheaply made Bart Simpsons dolls. But not to worry! Crimson Fox is on the scene to re-save all the starving people of the world! You know, first by collecting all the donations as her secret identity and second by recovering all the donations as Crimson Fox! She's a true billionaire philanthropist with severe trauma expressing itself in an ostentatiously public death wish display. Not like that cowardly Bruce Wayne!

Maybe it's just me, being an American and needing everything to smash me over the head because I don't understand subtlety, but she doesn't remind me of a fox nor is she crimson.

The helicopter pilot's name is Gaston which is funny because Beauty and the Beast wasn't out yet! Obviously I don't know the definition of the word 'funny.'

Bruce Wayne, feeling more impotent than when The Joker smashed Jason Todd in the face with a crowbar, watches as Crimson Fox tries to save the day. He eventually resorts to alerting Justice League Europe about the theft which is pretty telling that that's basically his last option. I keep thinking that I've bottomed out on how much I can despise Bruce Wayne/Batman and yet almost every time I read or re-read something where the writers obviously believe they're nailing his personality and character, I hate him a little bit more. I love terrible characters too but at least the terrible characters I love know they're terrible! Like Lobo and The Demon! The Batman is a fucking self-righteous, judgmental piece of shit. The only way I can cope with Batman existing as he does in the DC Universe is to believe that Alfred Pennyworth sticks his junk in every meal he makes for Bruce.

Before Batman's signal can reach the Justice League, Loeb and Sears provide the reader with a few pages of Power Girl's tits and ass. I mean a few pages of Power Girl and Captain Atom sparring as Dmitri and Ralph monitor her power levels. It's basically a couple pages to let the reader know how Power Girl's powers have changed. And also how hot she is.

Cool, cool. Good to know. But her tits are just as big, right? Oh yeah! Thanks!

Batman alerting them doesn't even matter because as they're getting the details from Catherine, the Justice League hear an explosion overhead, go outside, and see money raining down from a helicopter with a woman dangling from it. Imagine if Batman knew he was in this comic book how annoyed he be at the uselessness of his appearance in it.

Crimson Fox breaches the cab of the helicopter, slashes the pilot in the face, and the heli crashes into the JLE embassy, specifically Captain Atom's room.

How toxic is Max Lord that Captain Atom thinks the blame for this accident will be placed squarely on him by that asshole?

I really feel bad for Captain Atom. This is the reaction of a victim of abuse! If I were Captain Atom, being that I'm also a toxic asshole, I would blame this on Power Girl's recent loss of her powers. "We didn't have time to think up new drills! This was supposed to be where Power Girl, who used to be able to fly, would catch it in midair, when she was strong enough to catch helicopters, and fly it into the air where it would explode, when she could withstand that kind of explosion!" Then Power Girl would glare at me and I'd be all, "Ha ha! You lost your vision powers so I didn't just now erupt into flames! You loser!"

The criminals are captured, Justice League Europe makes the acquaintance of Crimson Fox, and Bruce Wayne finally gets away from the bodyguards long enough to change after the whole ordeal has ended. Crimson Fox is offered a spot on the team but she refuses. But only at first because Captain Atom embarrassed her by not getting aroused while she basically sticks her tongue up his ass. Orally, of course! I mean, you know, through speech! But later she rescinds her refusal after she sends Captain Atom a new bed with a note basically saying she's going to fuck him in it. Poor Sue and Catherine! More competition!

Justice League Europe #10 Rating: A. This was a good issue! A crime happened! A crime was foiled! Nobody got hurt! And it all happened so organically! Geez, who knew I was into comic books that basically amount to vanilla sex! I'm so boring! In relation to comic books, I mean! Sexually, I can't cum unless I have something shoved into my butthole!

Saturday, December 24, 2022

Justice League America #34 (1990)

I'm slightly disappointed Beetle and Booster's nickname was "Blue and Gold" instead of "Hairy and Smooth."

You thought I was going to mention Fire's huge tits, didn't you? Well I did. Just there. You're so fucking smart, aren't you?

You might think Batman is just wearing his normal outfit on the beach but it's his beach outfit which is treated to repel sand and also has cut outs on the ass cheeks. It also probably constantly excretes sun tan lotion because can you imagine how pale that guy must be? Or should be, anyway, in a realistic comic book universe where Bruce Wayne can't go from beating up criminals all night to actually having a working day life where he goes out in the sun and fucks tons of women in the evening. He probably sleeps in some kind of Bat-tanning machine which also jerks him off during the night.

Speaking of being jerked off in the middle of the night, I had a weird sex dream last night. I was back in my home town and ran into Amy Ginger whom I'm certain was in my graduating class but I only really remember her from elementary school. We ended up back in the apartment in my mother's basement making out when things turned to oral and manual manipulation. At some point, I saw that I ejaculated but didn't feel anything and commented on it. Amy treated it as if I were apologizing for jizzing too quickly but I was actively concerned that there was something medically wrong with me. Then I realized part of the ceiling was missing and sky was showing through because a tornado had smashed the house while we were fooling around. And my cats Gravy and Pelafina (who died about four years ago) had been in the house so I got really worried and ran upstairs to look for them. I found them almost immediately which was kind of my brain to allow or I would have woken up super sad. Not that I didn't wake up super sad anyway because of my stupid non-wet sex dream!

It feels good to be revealing too much during my comic book reviews again! I hope Amy Ginger isn't in the habit of Googling her name! Although if she does, she'll be in a real quandary about which of her elementary school classmates this is! I'll give her one hint: it's not Simon Raines!

Oh man, what if Simon is big on Googling himself?! I wonder if he remembers the time I was supposed to stay over his house but I didn't bring pajamas so his mom let me borrow a pair of his but they were too tight because I was a little fatty and I got super nervous and embarrassed and asked to go home? Man, I bet that was the moment my life changed for the worst forever! I probably could have been a popular kid, getting in on the ground floor with Simon! It would have opened up all kinds of friendship avenues!

The issue begins with Major Disaster lamenting his life in which he refuses to take responsibility for his failures and instead blames the idiotic members of his gang, the Injustice League. He also blames the Justice League for his failure. Then why name your dumb villain group after the Justice League? The Injustice League is a pretty shit name for a gang. Oh no! They're against justice! Look out!

Major Disaster sees an ad for Beetle and Booster's resort casino on Kooey Kooey Kooey Island and decides it would be a good place to rob. A place run by members of the Justice League seems like the kind of place you'd avoid pulling a heist but then Major Disaster has already shown he's blind to his own flaws and shortcomings.

Booster and Beetle pull off their own heist against the Justice League!

This is what happens when there's no social safety net and you don't pay your employees a living wage. They're going to wind up robbing you blind and/or sleeping with two women at once and/or burning the whole place to the ground.

Major Disaster and Big Sir, like Booster Gold and Blue Beetle, have also failed at being responsible adults which is why they've spent the last of their money on tickets to Kooey Kooey Kooey Island. I'm not sure if their plan is to rob the place or make a fortune gambling or maybe just retire on the island as a beach bum (the only sensible choice, really). I just know that, for some reason, as soon as Major Disaster saw the Justice League had an island resort, he saw it as some kind of get-rich-quick scheme. Maybe Major Disaster realized that when they try to avoid super heroes (like when they moved to France), they always wound up running into super heroes. So if he dives right into a place full of super heroes, maybe things will finally go his way!

While Big Sir and Major Disaster somehow cheat at Black Jack in the casino, Aquaman washes up on the beach to yell at Booster Gold and Blue Beetle. He finds them immediately after they get the news that Big Sir and Major Disaster have cleaned out the casino.

Aquaman showing up always makes everything worse.

Aquaman has come to warn Beetle and Booster that Kooey Kooey Kooey is a living organism and that creating a casino resort on its back will surely wake it up. Which is exactly what happens! And because the Comics Code Authority demands that crime (or gambling) never pays, Major Disaster and Big Sir lose all of their casino winnings, which they took in cash and shoved in a suitcase, when an earthquake knocks the suitcase open, sending the money flying everywhere. It's a shame because it would have been a better plot seed to let them get away with the money and build an Injustice League Satellite in orbit opposite the Justice League Satellite. Did the Justice League even have a satellite in 1989? It's only been a few years since they were working out of a cave!

I hope Kooey Kooey Kooey winds up with a Green Lantern ring! Imagine G'nort, a sentient dog, living on Kooey Kooey Kooey, a sentient island, floating in an ocean on Mogo, a sentient planet. That's practically a Planetary story arc.

The issue ends with everybody trapped on the island with busted teleporter tubes and Aquaman. It's a real tragedy.

Justice League America #34 Rating: B. Once again, Adam Hughes does all of the heavy lifting. The story is silly and non-sensical but who cares when you're looking at women in bikinis drawn by Adam Hughes! And if you're not willing to admit that you read comic books for the nearly naked ladies, Adam drew some of the other stuff really well too. Like desks and trees and poker chips.

See? Just check out the cushions on that sofa!

Thursday, December 22, 2022

Justice League Europe #9 (1989)

If this is what it takes to operate on Power Girl, just imagine what her vibrator looks like.

If you're wondering why Power Girl looks so different while Sears is still on the job, it's because Sears is now doing the tracing while Art Nichols is doing the drawing. To me, the art is better in a way that doesn't mean I'm happy with it. It's just the style appeals to me quite a bit more. Although in many places, it feels a bit flat and amateurish. Just look at Superman's square-cut John Romita Jr fingers! And look at how nicely manicured he is. How does Superman clip his nails?

Power Girl is dying because she got the shit slapped out of her by The Grey Man's gigantic magic hand. Now she needs an operation for vague reasons or she's going to die! But the doctor is all, "I can't operate on this woman! She is my son!" No wait, that's a dumb riddle. I think this doctor can't operate on her because she is invulnerable. I know I didn't have to explain that to 98% of you! But my mom reads this blog and the only thing she knows about Power Girl is that she would sometimes find Power Girl comics under my bathroom sink growing up. Because that's where I kept them, okay?!

If magic wounded her, magic can save her! Too bad Doctor Fate's title is only academic!

Christ how dumb are these people? If Batman has contingency plans for killing every hero in the DC Universe, surely he must also know how to save their lives! He's probably got a kryptonite guillotine that could be modded for surgery! At the very least, he'd know what to do. Is he too busy trying to assure Dick Grayson he isn't a total failure to help out this month?

Sue Dibny calls Superman to let him know his cousin-from-another-mother-Earth is dying. Hopefully somebody smarter than Superman will explain to him how he's going to save Power Girl or else he's probably just going to repeatedly punch her in the gut until he breaks through. I read the Death of Superman. I know he never has any better plans than punching things really hard.

Batman does show up but not to help out Kara, of course. If he gives them any ideas and she dies, it could count as his having killed somebody! Can't chance that!

I hope Batman has come to talk Outsiders' business! Maybe Halo is in a coma in the room next door!

Meanwhile Wally and Ralph have it out over Ralph always mentioning how Barry Allen was a much better Flash than Wally is. I know a lot of people thought Barry was boring and Wally ended up filling his shoes so well that fans hated it when Barry was brought back. But I never followed The Flash in any form so all I've got to go on is Wally West in this comic (and some appearances in Titans) and I have to say: he's a sexist pig and a fucking jerk. Maybe that's just the way DeMatteis was writing him and I'll like Wally better now that Loeb is writing this book. He's already begun his stint by having Wally confront Ralph so that maybe all that "You're not as good as The Flash I remember reading while growing up" shit DeMatteis constantly harps on is now in the past. Although while Barry really seems hurt and angry, Elongated Man just kind of shines him on with more Barry stories, ignoring the earnest and serious conversation Wally was trying to have. I guess that's just Ralph! He's demonstrating that he can't ever be serious which is why he won't stop making his fucking neck twelve feet long and twitching that disgusting nose.

Back at the hospital, Power Girl and Superman have been strapped into some medical torture devices to begin the operation.

"Okay, start punching away, Superman!"

Do you think Power Girl had to be shaved for this operation? How lush must Kryptonian pubic hair be if nothing can trim it? Do they even have pubic hair?! Oh my god! I just realized there's no reason their genitals shouldn't be something completely alien to humans! I bet it's a fucking M.C. Escher print down there!

Kilowog, having just recently been remembered by Keith Giffen while plotting the last Justice League America issue, makes an appearance in order to build the Superman-heat-vision-head-stabilizer. I'm not sure how it's supposed to hold his head steady when he's the strongest man in the universe and just moving his head slightly probably produces more kinetic energy than when Power Girl orgasms but then I'm not a genius at building machines like Kilowog. My only genius ability is knowing how much potential energy resides in Power Girl's clit. The answer is a shit-ton.

Batman takes Metamorpho onto the roof to explain to him that Metamorpho might have brain damage after his near death and bout of amnesia. Metamorpho thinks Batman has come by because he felt guilty when he heard Metamorpho regained his memory and was all, "Oh Betsy! I better get in there and spin the fact that I didn't give a shit about him while he was lying in a coma! The same way I still haven't given a shit about Halo!" But really, I think Batman is just checking to see if Rex remembers that Batman's secret identity is Bruce Wayne.

"Also, do you like the eyebrows I drew on my cowl? Too much, you think?"

Metamorpho gets pissed at Batman, turns into a fart, and leaves before Batman can ask him, "Hey, do you remember that scumbag billionaire, um, Bruce Wayans I think it was, from Gotham? What a dumb jerk, right? So dumb! Although I hear he has a huge cock. So huge. I wonder if Clark Kent would do a story on it? Maybe I'll ask him after he's done punching Power Girl's stomach open. I mean, um, when I'm next in Metropolis!"

After Superman punches open Power Girl, the doctor goes in to, um, I don't know. Unsuccessfully try to move her organs around? Break a punch of needles trying to sew up her guts? Look confusedly at her alien insides even though the big fat liar said they x-rayed her earlier?

Yep, the third one. I also think this is proof that her vagina looks like a recursive stairway.

I wonder what text book the doctor is talking about? The Physiology of Atlanteans Who Are, SPOILER ALERT, Still Actually Kryptonians?

The surgery takes six hours after which the doctor emerges to explain how he's a garbage doctor and a total hack and how he was lying about there being any kind of text book at all.

"How much of her we salvaged"?! Are the words for "hospital" and "auto shop" nearly identical in French and the JLE seriously fucked up on this one?

When the doctor says "we," does he mean him and Superman or him and the nurses? Shouldn't Superman have been some help in identifying Kryptonian organs? Maybe that's why the doctor uses the word "salvage"? Superman was probably all, "You can lose that bumpy green thing and maybe throw out half of the leathery thing that keeps trying to bite you. And that bit that seems to have exploded from magic? Just get rid of it although I think it might be the 'super powers' organ. Oh well!"

Maybe the French doctor just messed up his English and didn't mean to use the word "salvage." But then again, judging by Catherine's expression in that final panel, I think she just realized they've been sitting in a Jiffy Lube waiting room.

A week later, Power Girl sits in the auto parts lunch room thinking about how many of her powers she's lost. She's snuck out a few times to test them and found that she still has her super speed and super strength. But she's lost her "cosmic" powers. I don't know what those entail other than the exploding vagina thing.

Justice League Europe #9 Rating: B-. This comic dealt with a bunch of down time issues in the group and, when done well, I usually enjoy those installments. And I did enjoy this one! I think Ralph and Barry working out their issues was resolved nicely, so now Ralph can still tease Barry but Barry knows it's coming from a loving place where they can both bond over their old, dead friend. Metamorpho was able to deal with trauma resulting from his old team not giving a fuck about him after he came back from death. Not that he really dealt with it. He just sat on a church, felt some self-pity (which he's a master of), and then went off to apologize to Batman for calling him a jerk and turning into a fart in front of him. I like that Rex is the bigger man because I like Rex better than Batman but I still think he should just punch him in the face and be done with him. And finally, the main story, Power Girl went through all of this to have some of her powers taken away. That's always pretty weak but I'm glad that handled the science and medicine so realistically! I'm pretty sure when most doctors operate, they simply shove their hand in your guts and root around with the other hand over their eyes like they're fishing out a ticket for a prize at the fair. The issue loses a full grade because you can't have a doctor exclaim, "Is that her liver?!", and then not show what he's looking at! I bet it was fucking sexy.

Wednesday, December 21, 2022

Justice League America #33 (1989)

This might look like a smart tactic by Guy Gardner until you realize that horrendous mug is about to sneeze right in his face.

Judging by the liquid dripping off Gardner's face, Kilowog may have already sneezed on him and Guy, with his obsession to be the best, easily worked through it.

How many of those protrusions on Kilowog's lips do you think are penises? At least one, right? Man, imagine having a penis right on your face! It would be so attractive! I saw video footage of that guy with his penis on his arm and I was so envious! Although in that case, you'd really be limited to how many hands you can jerk off with. Oh! But I just realized your mouth is now an option! But not if it's on your face. That would be so frustrating! I bet you could lick it though!

This comic book review has lost its way immediately. I'm so sorry.

This issue is called, "Nitwits, Knuckleheads & Poozers!" So even if Kilowog wasn't on the cover, we'd all know he'd be making an appearance. "If you know, you know," as the biggest nerds I know in my life seem to love saying. Remember when there was a time that you'd drop some reference and just let people either understand it or not without making them immediately feel left out? Imagine if I went and got plastic surgery to stick a penis on my face, everybody would think, "Well, that's a weird choice." But what if I did that and whenever anybody looked at me, I'd be all, "If you know, you know!" That would send them down a serious pop culture spiral trying to figure out what I was referencing! Hmm, it might also get them to find my blog googling "face penises."

On second thought and not after having Googled "face penises," I realized that a search with those parameters almost certainly wouldn't lead to my blog. At least not on the first 5,000 pages of search results.

Guy Gardner: King of the Internet!

After the Teasdale Incident in which the Justice League did absolutely nothing when it's arguable they could have saved hundreds of lives instead of watching them electrocute themselves (I know Teasdale kept saying the toxin was fatal but the Justice League has super tech and magic on their side! Fucking save a life, Batman!), Guy Gardner has become bored. So he's off to visit the recently mostly abandoned Green Lantern Corps Headquarters on Earth. Abandoned because they thought it was a good idea to imprison Sinestro in the thing that powers all of their rings and Sinestro was all, "Oh, look, the off switch is right here on the inside!" Currently Kilowog putters around the empty headquarters getting occasional visits from Hal Jordan's underage girlfriend. Today he's getting a visit from an asshole.

This is how I'm going to greet my mom next time I'm in Santa Clara.

Whoops! I just gave out assassination coordinates for my mom! None of you better take advantage of that! *wink, wink*

That was a joke, mom! Sheesh! Maybe don't read my Internet stuff and also get out of my room!

My first thought upon seeing Gardner's surprise attack on Kilowog was to reference Inspector Clouseau and Cato but that reference is older than all of Giffen and DeMatteis's references were in the 80s. Mostly because they'll probably reference the Pink Panther movies themselves and I'm 30 years past when this was written. That's how time works. Has nobody ever explained the concept of time to you?!

This is the panel that made me think, "Fuck. I guess I need to read the stupid annual first."

The two JLAers arriving at the island are, disappointingly, Blue Beetle and Booster Gold. I'm disappointed because they are going to look terrible in bikinis.

How were Giffen and DeMatteis not embarrassed by these fucking old time references?! Is Blue Beetle actually 52?

I used "52" because it's a good DC Universe number and also because I'm not quite that old yet! But next year, I'll definitely refer to every blue I see as "Jack Benn's eyes."

Sorry for posting so many panels in a row (all from the same page, by the way), but look at this! Another reference that was already old timey in 1989:

I suppose Nick at Nite was doing the job of the Internet back in the 80s: keeping us all refreshed on past pop culture zeitgeist.

Blue Beetle and Booster Gold head off to speak with the leader of the Kooey Kooey Kooey tribe to discuss Blue Beetle's great idea which he doesn't elaborate on. I hope he wants to start a White Lotus franchise out here. Mike White should sell actual White Lotus franchises but to other entertainment properties. I just want to see various casts of characters from different shows interacting at a White Lotus. Like, which one of Gilligan's cruise mates would wind up dead?! Probably Mr. Howell.

Fucking old references. I need to stop reading Giffen and DeMatteis comic books.

Blue Beetle wants to build a casino resort on KooeyKooeyKooey Island. So basically a White Lotus! The chief of the tribe isn't convinced though because the tribe doesn't need money and they don't want Western Society tramping all over their paradise. Until Blue Beetle sweetens the pot with two culturally relevant 80s celebrities: the captain of the Love Boat, the greatest rock singer of all time, and one future wannabe autocrat.

Finally a reference that's only a couple of years off from 1989!

Imagine an episode of The Love Boat starring Jon Bon Jovi and Donald Trump! Oh what a whirlwind romance that would have been! But then Bon Jovi's heart would be broken when he realized Trump was just scamming him out of his cash. But in the final scene, Jon would unveil his new song written on the back of his heartbreak: "You Give Love a Bad Name." It brings down the house at the final night captain's dinner and Trump is humiliated as he falls in the potato salad trying to run away crying because he realized he really did love Jon but now it's too late!

I'm sorry. Occasionally I lapse into bad fan fiction writing prompts.

Back on the mainland (or wherever Green Lantern Corps Earth Headquarters is located), Guy and Kilowog have completely trashed the headquarters. But they end their fighting with a great big bro hug and then Guy lets Kilowog slip on his ring to rebuild the headquarters. I think that means they're now Green Lantern Married. So, being Green Lantern Married, Kilowog goes back to New York with Guy to join the Justice League as the Technology Engineer. They'll never lose Animal Man's luggage again!

Is the house falling in on her when she gets the head injury that returns her to her 13-year-old state of mind?

This is Arisia. She was 13 when she began dating Hal Jordan. Then she aged her mind and her body to look like this so it wouldn't be weird. Which is when Hal dumped her. I'm not saying Hal Jordan is a pedophile. I don't have to. It's all in the comic books!

I hope all the Hal Jordan fans don't get mad at me for pointing out the weird shit Hal got up to without also referencing all the retcon garbage that tried to make it acceptable, like how 13 on Arisia's home planet is actually like 215 or something on Earth. I think Hal Jordan fans probably get that some writers made some really shitty decisions for the character. I expect them to be more rational of my jokey criticism than Deathstroke fans who constantly freak the fuck out when I point out he's definitely a pedophile! Boy do those jerks get angry! Something there is in a Deathstroke fan that doesn't love a pedophilia critique.

Beetle and Booster convince Kilowog to build their casino because Kilowog has been so bored lately. But standing in their way (although they don't know it yet) is Aquaman! For some reason he has plans for this island and they're going to screw them all up.


Justice League America #33 Rating: B+. Most of this issue was Kilowog and Guy fighting while Beetle and Booster consult with the KooeyKooeyKooeyans. That doesn't sound like a B+ comic book but Adam Hughes' art is doing a lot of the grade raising in this comic book. While Mike McKone's tribesman looked like lost white people in the Annual, Hughes actually, for the most part, look like Pacific Islanders. Or, at least, so much more so than McKone's that I was willing to accept them as actual islanders. And I don't mind many pages of a fight that doesn't mean shit when Hughes is drawing it. It all just looks so gorgeous!

Tuesday, December 20, 2022

Justice League International Annual #3 (1989)

Fire, Ice, Beetle, and Booster in Season Three of White Lotus. Spoiler: the dead body was Blue Beetle.

I fucking hate Annuals but here I am reading them because stupid 18 year old me decided to buy them. I think DC knew fans hated Annuals which is why they eventually decided to have big summer crossover events that took place in the Annuals. The editors were all, "Nobody is buying the fucking Annuals. How do we force them to buy the Annuals? If only Paul Dini would hurry up and create Harley Quinn, we could stick her on the cover of every Annual and people would snatch them up like they were acid tabs with Harley Quinn printed on them. But no! The fucking lazy bastard. I guess we'll have to tie all of the Annuals into a huge crossover event and then tie the event into one or two of the monthly issues. That'll teach the bastards to not buy Annuals! Or will it teach them to buy Annuals? Can somebody explain to me the difference between those two statements and which one I should be using?"

Despising annuals is like having a phantom limb. I used to hate them because they didn't fit into continuity very well, and often could just be ignored, and yet I bought them anyway, just in case! Now I don't read comics for any universal continuity and so I should just enjoy the stories told within annuals. But I can't shake the memory of my intense hatred of them. Maybe it's just that I don't really enjoy comic books the way I want to enjoy comic books. I think the only things I truly love earnestly are Sailor Moon and Lazy Town.

The first story is about a Pacific Islander tribe who have a problem: their location makes them a strategic foothold for both the Soviets and the Americans but they just want to be left alone. One of the tribe has a less-than-brilliant idea: give the island to Justice League International so it basically becomes neutral territory. What inspired Giffen and DeMatteis to think up this story? Was it the plot of a Marx Brothers' movie? Or did the artist, Mike McKone, approach them over lunch in the commissary one day and say, "Hey, can you write a story so that I can draw Fire and Ice in bikinis?" Then they were all, "Oh boy can we!" Then he turned in some concept art and they were all, "Maybe we'll keep their clothes on for this one."

What the fuck is going on with The Flash's lower torso? Is that The Flash's schlong?! How does he run so fast with that thing flapping between his legs?!

Max is sending various members of the Justice League to various embassies around the world. I'm afraid this story is going to be just as boring as it sounds. Unless it's full of 80s stereotypes! Then I might get a few rough chuckles out of it.

Ten pages in and there's little story but DeMatteis has dropped a joke about Brooklyn College not being a great school five times already. My initial thought was, "I bet Keith Giffen went there!" But it turns out DeMatteis went there and this is a bit of the old self-abasement. The tribe member from Kooey Kooey Kooey Island looks pretty white as well so maybe he's based on entirely on J.M. DeMatteis. It's hard to tell if the character looks like DeMatteis as I didn't do a lot of digging and 60+ year old DeMatties, bald and graying, doesn't look anything like the young guy in this issue. The character really just looks like Max Lord with a blonde wig.

Herb, the Kooey Kooey Kooey liaison whom I'm assuming is a J.M. DeMatteis stand-in, arrives in Tokyo but is sent on to New York via the Justice League teleporters known for destroying luggage (as we were reminded in the panel with The Flash's horse penis). The rest of the team has moved on to check out the inactive embassy in Brazil, so Martian Manhunter and Oberon will have to deal with the Kooey Kooey Kooey delegate (KKK? Really, DeMatteis?).

Go woke, go get shot in the face by Maxwell Lord. Is that how the Incel Gamergate saying goes?

Just to make sure everybody feels as disgusted as I do, there hasn't been a single panel starring Ralph Dibny where his neck wasn't at least 20 feet long.

Ugh. So gross.

Imagine if you had some big, long extremity. Would you go flashing it all...oh, never mind. I see why he does it.

Meanwhile, The Rising Sun, one of the Global Guardians who was brainwashed by Queen Bee to convince Europe that the Justice League were Nazis but then fell into a coma, has been transferred to the Justice League Japanese Embassy. It's not because Europeans don't know how to treat Japanese like you probably thought because you're almost certainly a huge racist! It's because Doctor Light, who is also Japanese, wants to have a look at him. Not because he's Japanese and she can only work on Japanese patients like you probably thought because you're almost certainly a huge racist! It's because they both have light powers! Unless it's because of the Japanese thing which is what I first thought because I'm apparently almost certainly a huge racist.

But at least I'm not a transphobe like Animal Man! Probably.

I say things like "I'm almost certainly a huge racist" and "I'm probably not a transphobe" because I'm not a perfect human being and I'm going to make mistakes. And if you think of yourself as perfect and not racist or biased in anyway, you close yourself off to accepting criticism and changing. Because if you view yourself as perfect and blameless, any criticism against you will be seen as a malicious attack! I prefer to think of myself as a terribly slow moving work-in-progress! Also, I know I'm a dinosaur and nothing I say or do matters. I'm content to let the kids change the world into whatever they think it should be! Why the fuck should I have negative opinions about it? In my day, we played a game called Smear the Queer and used the word "gay" to denote anything that was lame. Why would I think the version of the world I grew up in should never be lost?! Good riddance!

Martian Manhunter has been saddled with leading the Kooey Kooey Kooey delegation from embassy to embassy trying to catch up to Maxwell Lord. But they keep managing to stay one embassy ahead of him.

They don't stock a lighter or a book of matches at the Tokyo Embassy?

Max Lord and the others arrive at the London Embassy where they find it run by John Cleese's character from Fawlty Towers. It's mostly forgettable but I mention it because it leads to a really rare unicorn Elongated Man panel:

I guess when his neck is normal sized, his dick hangs down to his knees. No wonder he keeps his neck so long! It's less embarrassing.

Eventually Martian Manhunter catches up to everybody else in Paris where Max Lord makes a deal to create an embassy on Kooey Kooey Kooey Island. Which is why I dug up this annual to read while in the middle of reading Justice League America #33 and learning, via a note from the editor, that this comic had apparently been published before that issue. That's another reason I hate Annuals! Shouldn't this have been published after JLA Issue #36?!

That's the first story coming in at 32 pages. And according to the cover, the second story is also going to be 32 pages. Another reason I hate Annuals! Why do they have to be so long to tell the dumbest stories?!

In the second story, Martian Manhunter teams up with Batman to investigate the murder of a Gotham cop whom J'onn worked with when he first came to Earth. Turns out the cop's death was a random killing by some drugged up kid and not some huge conspiracy planned by a mob boss. Batman is all, "I'm sorry to report that his death was random and there is already a Batman so I don't know how you're going to deal with it." And Martian Manhunter is all, "Everything happens for a reason. That's Martian wisdom! Y'all don't have wisdom like that on Earth apparently or else you wouldn't be so fucking insane, Batman." Then Martian Manhunter flashes a few people in his true form and it makes him feel better. Batman continues to never feel better. The end!

The issue finishes with several Who's Who entries on the Embassy Chiefs and an assortment of other employees. I read them all because they were sort of funny and Keith Giffen did the art for the character portraits. The Russian bodyguards, twin sisters, keep a running total on all of the men they've fucked. Numbers were not given.

Justice League International Annual #3 Rating: I don't rate Annuals! It wasn't terrible but the cover was the best part. That means I could have looked at it on the rack back in 1989 and been satisfied but instead I decided to blow a buck seventy-five on it, read it, forget everything in it, wait thirty years, and read it again. Future plans: forget everything in it.

Sunday, December 18, 2022

Justice League Europe #8 (1989)

Bart Sears is the proto-Rob Liefeld: "Gonna add all these soap bubbles so I don't have to get the feet right! Genius!"

Also don't look at Ice's waist because you might think thoughts critical of Bart Sears' drawing skills. And I'd hate for anybody to think critical thoughts on the Internet, especially if they can't draw a better Ice than Bart Sears drew! Fucking scumbags! Get out of here with your negative thoughts, you huge motherfucking pieces of shit who probably kick puppies right into the sides of kittens! Assholes.

Do you think some male artists think it's gay when they have to draw Captain Atom's ass? I bet David Finch has to draw eight female superheroes in towels coming out of the shower for every one man ass he draws. And I bet he pepper sprays himself in the face after drawing that ass.

The issue begins with Doctor Fate having just been expelled from the Realm of Order and ready to face what she needs to do. Emphasis on the "face."

Did nobody tell Bart Sears that Doctor Fate wears a golden helmet and that isn't just her face?

It's weird that earlier I identified Bart Sears as the proto-Rob Liefeld but here I'm just proven completely wrong. Bart Sears can draw a character emoting even while they're wearing a helmet while all of Rob's characters simply look like they're wearing helmets full of gritted teeth.

The Justice League arrive at Stagg's factory to find it surrounded by an army of the things they are now calling "zombie-vampires." Boring. I would have made a toxin that turned people into Werewolf-Mr. Hydes. You might think that's redundant but what I'm really saying is I'm a pretty lazy worker and that seems like the easiest kind of toxin to make.

Wait what? How does everybody just lose their suits they were wearing? How does Beetle not know how it happened?!

Notes Bart Sears didn't get before he finished the art on this comic book: 1. Doctor Fate wears a helmet. 2. The Justice League were all wearing HazMat suits.

Unless the Justice League is ready to just let Captain Atom and Fire unleash a swath of fire and radiation to melt the horde of infected villagers, I can't see how the Justice League is going to help out here. You'd think they'd at least evacuate the plant instead of standing around discussing what to do. Then let the creatures in and have Guy Gardner make a huge green prison around the place. And if they can't find a cure, Guy can just make the prison airtight so that they all suffocate! Man, I should be leading the team!

The Grey Man and Teasdale approach the Justice League themselves instead of using their army of monsters to destroy them. I'm sure that will be cleared up better than what happened to the HazMat suits. I mean, their whole objective is to kill as many people as possible. Why would they approach for a parley?

I was going to complain about The Flash repeating himself but then I saw Elongated Man and his stretched out neck and now I'm fuming that Ralph Dibny exists.

Has there ever been a more disgusting and useless superhero than Elongated Man? He can't go one minute with his neck the correct size. He never stops twitching that fucking nose. And he's somehow banging one of the hottest women in the DC Universe! Fucking man, I wish Jean Loring had accidentally killed him instead of Sue! Then Sue could have pretended to be upset, giving her the chance to cry on Captain Atom's cock and seduce him. Jesus Christ now I'm imagining what kind of damage Captain Atom's hot load could do to a person!

Teasdale and The Grey Man want to recover the vats full of Teasdale's toxin and the Justice League just lets them waltz on by because The Batman is afraid of The Grey Man. I'm pretty sure this is the second time in this story that he pisses himself, especially since Kevin Smith made it canon that Batman sometimes pisses himself. Man, we're so lucky to have Kevin Smith!

The vats are huge so I don't know how Teasdale and The Grey Man expect to remove them. Oh wait. I keep forgetting this is a comic book and The Grey Man can probably just teleport shit wherever he wants.

Doctor Fate arrives to stop The Grey Man and Teasdale since the rest of the League have decided to stand around picking their noses with Guy Gardner.

At least Guy has never admitted to pissing himself!

I'll never stop talking about Kevin Smith writing a story in which Batman describes pissing himself in his early years as the Caped Crusader simply because it pissed off so many comic book nerds.

Teasdale finally commands his army to attack as he gets ready to release enough toxin to infect the entire world. But when they walked through those electrified fences earlier that they walked through? Well, they're still up and electrified. So the army of zombie-vampires simply marches straight into it, frying themselves to death.

Quick quiz: Is Batman responsible for all of these deaths?! Of course not! He just stood around doing nothing. You can't blame a person for doing nothing! Sheesh!

The Grey Man grows more and more powerful with each death as he absorbs their dream essence (his job) and their souls (not his job at all). Teasdale just stands around with his dick in his hands.

I know sometimes you don't believe the things I write but I urge you to believe me more often than not. Dick. Hands.

Okay, fine. I admit I altered the color of the microphone he's holding. But it makes more sense that his dick is in that location and not a microphone. What is a microphone hooked up to the outside sound system doing set up right alongside the toxic vats? Oh, probably an emergency warning system in case there happens to be a critical failure and also happens to be an employee who would rather die while alerting everybody instead of running for their life.

The Grey Man sucks up so many souls that he grows to 100 feet in height. The Lords of Order look on, yawn, and say, "Not our fault, right, Batman?"

Why? God I hate him.

I don't think I've ever realized just how much unbridled fury toward Elongated Man I was full of until re-reading Justice League Europe. I hope King Shark eats him so that Ralph can live in his tummy as Yo-yo's roommate.

Oh! You know who is good at becoming super big and fighting other super big threats? The Spectre! Is The Spectre finally going to save the day instead of just making sure somebody who murdered somebody else winds up murdered?

The Spectre, continuing to sit on the sidelines until probably the last minute, leaves this magical fight up to Doctor Fate. Doctor Fate uses an absolutely brand new power, to which the old Doctor Fate in no way had access, to knock The Gray Man to the ground.

The Grey Man engages in one of those bits of dialogue where he has to say, surprised, "You hurt me!" That's so the reader can understand that Doctor Fate's vagina is muy powerful. He then decides to wrap up some loose ends by stepping on Teasdale in a panel that I simply can't believe got past the Comics Code Authority. I mean, if they're not censoring this gory mess, what the fuck are they up to? You know what, don't answer that. I bet 80% of the stuff they were censoring were story arcs Christians would simply lose their shit over, like gay couples and interracial drug-users.

You didn't think I was going to mention the panel and not scan it, did you?!

To save the day, The Spectre arrives with the Lords of Order and the Lords of Chaos in tow. Apparently The Grey Man was a big enough threat that the Lords of Chaos decided to get involved and then the Lords of Order, not to be out done, decided to stop pouting and help out. Together, they drain The Grey Man of his dream essence, turn him into a walking vegetable, and set him back to work. So with The Grey Man lobotomized and back on the job, and Teasdale turned into jam, and all the zombie-vampires fried to a crisp, the Justice League has nothing left to do but go home. Except for Power Girl who has to go to the hospital because she was swatted by The Grey Man and he's comprised mostly of magic and magic really hurts Kryptonians. I know she's not supposed to be Kryptonian and you'd think her new post-Crisis identity as an Atlantean would have made her less vulnerable to magic, but as I mentioned in a previous entry, we know she was never Atlantean! So even if it was accidental, J.M. DeMatteis gets the lore right in this story! Anyway, she's dying and Wally West is at her bedside practically showing her his dick.

Did DeMatteis think this scene would be touching?! I mean emotionally touching because it's obviously Wally doing sleep-creep touching!

Justice League #8 Rating: C. The Justice League were about as useful here as the Titans were in their Wolfman-Perez run. They stood around watching a bunch of villagers die while The Spectre ran off and got help. The Spectre was on the case from the beginning and I don't see how anything would have been different if the Justice League had just stayed home. Maybe Doctor Fate helped out a little bit but is she even really part of the team yet? She was basically going in for an interview when this whole mess fell in their laps. Back in the day, I didn't give a shit if the heroes I was reading about were actually heroes or not. I just wanted to see some action and maybe some jokes and hopefully Supergirl's and or Lobo's ass. Nowadays I think it's important that heroes act like heroes, mostly so GamerGate incels lose their shit and expose themselves for the rotten arseholes they truly are. "What the fuck?! Why does Superman care so much about racism all of a sudden?! Fucking woke bullshit man! Just do stories where he smashes aliens in the face and don't make the alien a stand-in for racism because we'll all know! And even if we don't know, we'll accuse you of it if you introduce two Black characters!"