Sunday, November 30, 2014

Justice League United #6

Supergirl cannot exist as a Lego character because Lego people do not have bums.

Why won't my stupid fucking laptop stay fucking connected to this fucking bullshit Xfinity piece of motherfucking shit fucking fuck fucked up fucking Gateway?! fuck fuck FUCK (I need a font that has an intermediary look between small letters and capital letters for that middle fuck!)! Fuck you, Comcast! Can you send a representative around to my place so I can punch that representative square in the throat? Now that would be some customer service!

And fuck all you pretentious assholes who wish I would swear more creatively! Shove a fucking fuck right up your fuck hole! Fuck is perfectly adequate in expressing blind rage! I'm not doing this to entertain your ivory tower sensibilities and Shakespearean wet dreams. If you want creative swearing, go read a sailor's blog! Or some holier than thou nitwit's self-induced spoogefest of a webpage who believes that anyone who constantly uses 'fuck' instead of making up something like 'dickclitoris!' whenever they stub their toe is a complete and utter cumdragon. Eat my ass vagina, you cock-mackerel!

Now I'm in the right mood to read Jeff Lemire's attempt at the worst story he's ever written!

By the lopped off foreskin of a half-Jewish sorcerer! He's already hitting puberty!

While Equinox babysits Ace Ultra (who should be old enough to take care of himself in a few hours), Justice League United and the Legion of Super-heroes battle Byth's super-mercenaries (The Cadre) up on the surface. And since Supergirl is on Earth and in the fight, some stuff must have happened between the end of the Annual and the beginning of this issue. Either the story has jumped ahead or I suffered a serious head injury since reading the Annual.

The Cadre are missing two members: Crowbar and Fastball. Crowbar was last seen in Vibe where I mistook him for a new creation by Sterling Gates but Sterling Gates left a comment saying, "No, you tightly puckered pig's anus. After careful consideration and due diligence unless I mean proper research, I selected Crowbar, a well-established character in DC's canon, for this pivotal scene. You gay retarded monkey blister." I was surprised that a well-established, popular creator with such a fantastic first name would use a phrase like "gay retarded monkey blister." He probably should have just went with "you fucking fuckity fuck." It is possible, although quite unlikely, that I'm remembering the quote incorrectly. Another possibility is that I just made the whole thing up and am pretending to have gotten the quote wrong to distance myself from the creation of the insult "gay retarded monkey blister."

The members The Cadre isn't missing are Overmaster, Shatterfist, Black Mass, Nightfall, and Shrike. I guess Overmaster is a middle management asshole that micromanages The Cadre; Shatterfist relies on a very specific form of martial artists that only works against people making fists (which he shatters); Black Mass is a satanist; Nightfall is the elf I fantasized about the most; and a Shrike is a shitty tricycle. Together, they form a team that will probably get its ass kicked by the Justice League United and the Legion of Super-heroes.

See?! What is Supergirl doing there? Maybe it's an after image created by the Zeta Beam technology being so closely tied to her vagina.


See? There it goes again!

While Supergirl freaks out in the snows of Moosonee, Canada, Supergirl battles Byth far out in the Polaris System.

I'm fairly certain that's racist! Unless what Byth is doing is encouraging Rape Culture. Whatever is going on, I'm certain that something here is problematic!

Calling everything problematic is like the Biblical story of Chicken Little who cried wolf. It's why so many people have a problem with deconstruction. Because the tool is overused. It's like using a chainsaw to accomplish everything in your life. Sometimes you don't need to butter your bread while also cutting the table in half and losing a leg. Sometimes!

Justice League United Space Division is in the Polaris System to recover Hawkman. But he doesn't seem to want to be recovered.

Kicking somebody in the face is my go to way to convince them that I'm their friend.

Like an overpaid soccer player, Courtney takes a tiny hit and falls to the ground screaming bloody murder. Buddy turns into Sabretooth and rips apart some space cult guys before hiding his wedding ring and going back to check on Stargirl.

Back on Earth, Martian Manhunter and the others learn that Black Mass can teleport (not from Brainiac 5 who is spouting data about their enemies left and right and probably center but from Black Mass himself) when he teleports to get his hands on Equinox and Ace Ultra. Level 12 intelligence my ass!

Seriously. My ass is way smarter than Brainiac 5.

Black Mass teleports his victims to the Polaris System and then teleports Supergirl back to Moosonee. Except he must overshoot because she arrives back on page three! I guess.

Once Ace Ultra winds up on Polaris, he stares up into the weird space anomaly thing that's been anomalying in the background for a few pages. And then lots of yellow space demons come out of it and try to end the universe! Or begin the universe. One of those. I suppose the only difference between the two is the current viewer's perspective.

No surprise, Sardath can't get his Zeta Beam working because Supergirl's vagina is still shaken up from Black Mass teleporting her across the galaxy. So Brainiac 5 calls in Legion's back-up squad.

Fucking really? These guys didn't stop existing after Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell sodomized them for a full year and a half?

Legion Lost returning just brings up too many questions that nobody is going to answer for me. Like why the fuck was time travel outlawed after Flashpoint and then subsequently ignored by all of the shittiest writers at DC during that time (you know which ones I'm talking about! I just named them in that previous caption! Morrison also wrote a story with the main three Legionnaires visiting Superboy, so fuck Morrison as well!)? Legion Lost could have returned home at any time! Because look at what's happening here! Brainiac 5 and friends have traveled back in time? Too bad they didn't think to travel back to page one of issue one of Legion Lost to rescue their friends from the severe butt beating they wound up taking in that thing once DeFalco took over.

Justice League United #6 Rating: Look. I get that time travel sparks lots of ideas in imaginative and creative writers. But it also sparks lots of cop outs and plot contrivances and illusory motivations in the worst comic book writers. And it just completely screws up everything because nearly nobody can do time travel stories well. DC Comics, you fucked up huge when you lifted the ban on time travel because no editor wanted to tell Scott Lobdell the simple truth: characters from alternate time lines coming back to the past are breaking the fucking time travel policy! I'm sure Scott whined and pleaded and acted very smarmy when he pointed out that it's an alternate timeline where Flashpoint didn't happen so they still have time travel. You answer that by hitting him in the face with a rolled up newspaper and shouting, "NO! WRONG!" You don't roll over and say, "You're a genius, Mister Scott Lobdell!" Because that's both a lie and a huge lie. Fuck you for losing control of your New 52 universe not even one year into it, you stupid fucking assholes. I hate you, DC Comics. And you too, Jeff Lemire, for taking part in it! I thought you were my friend! I thought you were a good bet! Your name on the cover of a comic book meant something! Well, no more, sir! NO MORE!

Green Lantern Corps #36

I got this Lego Character for my collection and it managed to get half of the other characters killed while accidentally destroying all of my sets!

The Green Lantern Corps should shut down their operations for a few months and just observe the universe for a bit. You know, to really see if they're needed. So far, the only cosmic crises they've dealt with were caused by themselves or the fact that they exist. So they battled Volthoom who they couldn't bear to kill because he was the first Lantern and a historical artifact. They battled the Third Army which were created by the Guardians of the Universe to make the universe easier to take care of. They battled Relic who was trying to destroy them because they keep using their rings. And now they're battling Highfather who only wants the rings for his own selfish purposes. I think if you take the Green Lanterns out of the equation when looking at all the cosmic crises that they've been through, then the cosmic crises never happen at all. Perhaps it's time to hang up the rings for awhile, guys. Except that might be the biggest battle of all! Trying to convince a bunch of the most stubborn people in the universe that they're not actually helping.

Currently the Green Lantern Corps and several of their friends are vacationing on Qward. Or is it in Qward? Now maybe if they just stay there and ignore the New Gods, everything will settle down and it'll all go back to normal once Highfather realizes that Kyle Rayner, Comic Book Artist, is the only fucking dope in the Universe that can handle the White Ring. I mean, he's the only fucking dope that wasn't resurrected by the ring that can handle the ring. The same ability that allows a comic book artist to believe he's doing awesome work when he draws a woman with her ass and her breasts facing the reader at the same time must be the same ability that allows a person to master the White Ring.

One of the Bohemian Guardians suggests that to defeat the New Gods, they'll need every color of the spectrum. He stole that idea from my conclusion to last issue's commentary, the little thief! Also, it's the only conclusion Lanterns can come to. That's why Hal ran off to recruit the Black Lanterns and now John has decided to fetch a few Star Sapphires. Nobody seems to care about finding an Orange Lantern though.

Soranik has a right to be concerned! John leaves a trail of dead friends wherever he goes!

Soranik shouldn't worry so much. The Star Sapphires are already losing dozens of their members to whatever New God is attacking Zamaron. The one with the skull faced helmet and the bow. But a bunch of swords infused with White Light wielded by John and his small team which includes Kilowog, the Weaponer of Qward, an Indigo Eagle for teleportation, and a Green Lantern that's just a massive eyeball with tentacles (because the team needs a Red Shirt on it) arrive to save the day. Or at least offer a path to retreat back to Qward. Once there, they can sit around for a bunch of issues gathering Lanterns of different colors before assaulting High Father and finally winning the day, for some reason. That reason will probably be because the Lanterns understand emotions and we humans think emotions make us powerful and not weak like they really do.

Don't tell that to Ollie! He uses his bow in close combat constantly!

Stewart and his team and the Sapphires put up a less horrible fight than the previous Lanterns have put up against the New Gods. But they're still defeated. The Tentacled Eyeball is captured and the rest of the Lanterns trapped beneath an unbreakable net. Or is it truly unbreakable?! It has not yet been tested against the Power of Love! That's almost as powerful as the Heart of Rock and Roll.

Guy's never going to let John hear the end of this one.

John's love tethers him to the rest of the Corps and he breaks everybody free from the prison to take them back to Qward. Except for Penelops the Tentacled Eye Lantern. He's just too icky.

Green Lantern Corps #36 Rating: I'm sure there's probably something intellectual to say about the theme of love in this issue and the breaking of traditional gender roles and the courage of sacrifice and the humility of trust but I can't come up with any of it because John looked fabulous! I hope they come out with a John Stewart, Star Sapphire, action figure at some point. I like how it looks slightly as if he's in the ballet. Although I'd have given it more feminine touches than it has. It's a bit too similar to his usual Green Lantern outfit. And for a ring that's never had to concern itself with male versus female fashions, I would expect it to continue to create outfits it's used to, ones with a bit more flair and flamboyance, not to mention low cut shirts and bare midriffs and naked legs and thong behinds.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

World's End #6

Darn! I thought the best way to beat famine was to get all of the starving families together and run some place else! No Nobel Prize for me this year!

Surprisingly, Daniel H. Wilson did not contact me to tell me what his long term goals for this comic book are. That's a shocker since I'm sure he reads my blog and could not have possibly missed my invitation to spill all of his secrets to me. Doesn't he know I can totally keep a secret?! Maybe it's a good thing he didn't confide in me or my World's End commentaries would be 80% "Oh my god, I know what's going to happen next!" instead of 80% "I wonder if Replacement Batman has ever masturbated while driving the Batmobile?"

Why does Famine have to be drawn with chocolate all over face? Somebody should watch every movie ever made in the last thirty years to find out when the trend to have a fat person that was constantly eating as one of the friends stopped. Has it stopped? Is that still a constant joke, to have a fat person always shoving food in their face? I know that "joke" hasn't stopped in comic books! I don't really mind. It's always funny to see a fat person eating food! I also always laugh when they show skinny people not eating food. "Ha ha! Look at how that person is way too skinny because they don't have a candy bar in one hand and melted chocolate smeared all over their face and hands!"
You know who is way too skinny? The entire female cast of Arrow. What the fuck is going on in that show? Do they have catering? All the women look like pumpkins wearing wigs which have been stuck on the ends of brooms. How do they keep their heads up?! I think Draper's niece was the only regular female cast member that didn't make me concerned for her neck. Thea, Moira, Laurel, Amanda, Felicity (although maybe her body is okay but I think she still has a big head, so it's hard to tell!)...they're all skinny in the way that husbands in sitcoms are fat. I'm not skinny shaming! I'm genuinely concerned! Somebody hire Carl's Jr. to cater that show!

Wait. Maybe not Carl's Jr. They'll probably force the female cast to wear bikinis and lie spreadeagled on the hoods of cars while they eat their food.

Anyway, even if I was skinny shaming, calm down! At least you're skinny! That's not really a bad thing! Unless it's caused by famine and you're too weak to run away from famine.

Okay! That puts me back on track! Time to read the comic book!

Three things you can't run from: The Flash, fate, and famine!

Doctor Fate should cast a spell that causes a letter to drop off from the end of a person's name. Then he'd become Doctor Fat which would counteract Famine's power!

Meanwhile, Aquawoman summons Azathoth (who still might be Earth-2 Starro!) to come forward and destroy the world. So this has now become H.P. Lovecraft fanfiction? As if DC didn't have enough mythology for Daniel H. Wilson? Now he's got to bring in the Great Old Ones? Because if they exist in this universe, why the fuck is everybody afraid of Darkseid? Fuck Darkseid! Somebody stop Aquawoman!

Beneath the firepit in Geneva, Replacement Batman and his troupe find the sprawling infrastructure for the first step in turning Earth into a new Apokolips. They also find dozens of Superman clones. According to some comic book (perhaps Darkseid's Villains Month comic book?), Darkseid has a major obsession with collecting Supermen.

The worst part about this book is how it jumps from page to page with little to no real revelations. I suppose this allows the comic book to maintain a feeling that all of the plots are happening simultaneously but it really makes it difficult for me to comment on any of it. And all I really care about is how it affects me. Unless it effects me? Maybe both? Fuck you, English. We might as well have the words 'iffects' and 'uffects' as well, and give them barely perceptible differences in usage as well! From now on, I'm just going to use 'yffects' in place of both 'affects' and 'effects' and the reader can fucking figure out what I mean from context. You know, if they care. Most of my readers probably type "loose" for "lose" anyway, so I shouldn't have even brought it up. Or, so you "loose" for "lose" types can understand me morer betterer, "I probably shouldn't of even brought it up." *shudder*

So there's a page where Desaad makes The Huntress cry because he's going to change her name. And then Solomon Grumpy teases Queen Lantern about Alan's dead lover. And then in Chicago on the next episode of "Mom Cop" starring Babs and Dick something truly magical finally happens! I am taking liberties with the phrase "truly magical," by the way.

And he seems a bit on the upper side of middle-aged, so all of you Yolanda Montez fans shouldn't be too concerned. I'm sure Wildcat will throw his life away to save somebody in the weeks to come so he can be replaced by her.

Meanwhile, Famine has moved on to attack Amazonia and the World Government Headquarters. This causes the assault on Apokolips to be moved up from 24 hours to right fucking now! As Mister Miracle activates his Mother Box to BOOM Tube them to Sloan's deadly assault ship filled with Mister Terrific God Slaughter Balls, Jimmy Olsen begins having problems with his Mother Box. I don't know exactly what those problems are because nobody Narration Boxed the scene for me and the art just looks like Jimmy got his dick caught in it.

I think the phrase "curiosity killed the cat" should be changed to "curiosity got the teenager's dick stuck in that thing."

Down in the Geneva Firepit (which is now "the Labyrinths of Desaad") Val-el destroys Replacement Batman's Earth-2 Viagra. So he's not only a pacifist, he's a prude and a teetotaler as well! That's three strikes against him because everybody knows that the most entertaining people are drunk, violent sex addicts. Especially in comic books. Or maybe just in comic books? Because while I definitely want to read comic books about drunk, violent sex addicts (and do! That's like half of DC's comic books!), that sounds like the worst roommate ever.

Finally in China, Solomon Grumpy and Queen Lantern meet the Avatar of the White: Alan Scott's dead fiance, Sam.

He's white because he's frozen from two years in a fridge.

Oh no. Reign of the super-clones? When did The New 52 become a series of moments that were basically the writers whispering to the fans, "Hey! Hey! Remember when we did this story twenty years ago?" Oh, that's right. From the very start. Leave the clones to Marvel, guys! That's their thing! Your thing is rebooting the world every fifteen to twenty years!

World's End #6 Rating: Just end the world already! But then turn Earth-2 into a weekly book that follows the adventures of the Earth-2 heroes wherever they now live. But, you know, just keep it a normal book that follows the adventures of different heroes each week.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Bat-Mad Lib Eternal #32

Hush (verb, present tense) Spoiler in the (body part) while Batman (verb, present tense) Hush right (preposition) the ass.

Last issue, (animal)man mostly just (verb, past tense) around in his Bat(conveyance). But (preferred pronoun) did manage to (comic book feat I can't remember because it happened last month). So that was something(punctuation mark)

Alfred Pennyworth, Batman's (synonym for indentured servant), teamed up with (ethnic super villain) to escape the ruins of Arkham (place where people are treated horribly). Alfred has been (adverb that is not fucking literally) hallucinating due to an injection (super villain with a stupid name) gave him directly to his (organ which men use to make decisions). But he's (comparative) now!

The issue ended with (something a librarian says) about to kill Cluemaster's daughter, (part of a car).

How come whenever a character has a (ranged weapon that doesn't kill people because people apparently kill people, quite often with the ranged weapon's help), they always get too close, allowing their opponent to (verb) them?

Batman arrives to (verb) the (unit of time least likely to encounter a bat) using his personalized take on the (weapon co-opted from another culture). Hush lobs a (fruit) at Batman and Spoiler which causes a huge (noisy event not usually involving children). When the (noun) clears, Batman finds that Hush and Spoiler have pulled a (famous DC Comic Book character) on him and disappeared.

Later, Batman returns to (verb) Bat(non-human body part) because he loves him. Or he just doesn't want Batwing's (inevitable, depressing, horrible fact of life that we constantly try to ignore by having loads of sex, eating lots and lots of decadent foods, and immersing ourselves in constant yet ultimately meaningless distractions) on his conscience. Or he was just (verb, past tense) of hearing Batwing mutter over the Batcom, "(desperate plea) (selfish pronoun)!"

Alfred (worthless monetary unit)worth is a bad ass. He had ('a' or 'an', depending on how pretentious you'd like to sound) historic building dropped on him and only needed one small (brand name item used to refer to all items of like type) on his (body part that isn't penis or vagina because you've probably already used those).

Meanwhile on the roof of the (Gotham building full of corrupt assholes. So, you know, any of them), Jason (Dungeons and Dragons character class) and Hush finally meet face to (body part often used in sex) to talk (the best sex) to (the worst sex). (Yes, I realize the wording in the previous blanks will wind up with Jason Bard and Hush meeting to talk doggy style to anal. Or meeting to talk with my soulmate to my first time.) I (verb) this is the first time Hush and (minor character with a limp) have met to show they're definitely (gerund) together.

(entire paragraph that basically amounts to "Scott Lobdell is a lousy writer.")

Jason Bard goes to visit (poor man's Lois Lane) to discuss what he's learned about Hush's (plural noun). At the same time, Batman notices somebody has (illegal but cool verb to do, past tense) the MacGregor database. That's the listing of all of Batman's (adjective) weapons caches across (fictional city that means village of goats). For anybody too (adjective that isn't 'retarded' but could be if you are an insensitive bastard!) to figure out (math equation), I'll spell it out for you: (super villain) (verb, past tense) (article) (noun)!

Oh (expletive)!

The final pages play out with (repressed vigilante with a sad social life) being framed for (overused media noun adjunct) attacks all over Gotham City. When is (character I don't care about) going to step up and do something about this (other character I don't care about) before all (fictional place used to keep people nice by being afraid) breaks loose!

Batman Eternal #32 Rating (in which I've already filled out the Mad Lib blanks): Dog farts extrapolate polar median hibiscus monstrosities. Phallic raiment devolves upon shoddy platonic wet dreams. Demonstrative police savage inane pituitary concerns. Batman? Why, tuberculosis, of course!

Futures End #28

What's something totally recognizable in Gotham that we can have the Batmen crash into while fighting (even though they're battling in New York City?)? I know!

I know, I know! The fight in New York ended almost immediately when Plastique blew the poop out of everybody in Tim Drake's apartment. This cover probably represents the next meeting of the Batmen! It doesn't look like it goes any better.

Do you think an editor would have told me that I can't use the phrase "I know" three times in a row? Probably! But who needs editors anyway? Don't you dare say I do, you traitor.

This issue begins with Lois Lane not being eaten by sharks because she parachuted onto Cadmus Island and not into the ocean like we all thought was going to happen, right? Right? You all thought that too, right? Thought that this issue would be twenty pages of Lois Lane drowning while hallucinating a happy life courting and eventually marrying Superman? Then at the last minute, she would be saved from drowning by a shark and die from blood loss and shock instead.

On Cadmus Island, Lois runs into an OMAC, and then an OMAC, and then another OMAC, an OMAC, an OMAC, two OMACS, then another OMAC, and finally somebody she recognizes (not an OMAC).

Has Lois Lane ever worn a Lantern ring? Did she call herself Lois Lantern?

Over in Frank Rock's office, Frank and King Faraday and, soon, Fifty Sue and Voodoo are all trying to figure out who is going to kill whom and what enemy is the worst and how do any of them work together when some of them want to kill some of the others and what the fuck is going on in this comic book again?

Voodoo's steez is pretty kickin', yo.

Wait, wait. I think I got this, Voodoo. See, your buddy Grifter was taken by Faraday to be part of a team that would remove superheroes from the world. But that team was infiltrated by Brother Eye so Faraday turned the team's attention to destroying Brother Eye. But then Faraday realized he needed a back-up plan to kill the super powered members of his team who were busy defeating Brother Eye and/or killing and capturing other super powered people! So he hired Frank Rock's Girl Squad to kill Fifty Sue. But then Deathstroke joined with Brother Eye in an attempt to kill Fifty Sue which made Fifty Sue want to kill Deathstroke which caused her to seek out Faraday and join the team that was put together to kill her. Easy peasy!

Meanwhile, Batman and Batman Beyond do not smash into the Batsignal. And Tim Drake, Ronnie Raymond, and Jason Rusch all search for Madison Payne. But they'll never find her because she's with Doctor Yamazake testing out his teleportation device. Such a helpful lass.

Futures End #28 Rating: No Ratings November continues! Judging by the cover of Futures End #29 and the "in next issue" pics, it looks like Ronnie Raymond and Jason Rusch are going to break up permanently.

Look how terrified poor Ronnie is of merging with a female!

Action Comics #36

Fucking Lego covers.

Regular readers might find this hard to believe, but I hate drama and confrontation. So much so that I just take these fucking Lego covers when my comic book store puts them in my box. I know I can trade them out for the regular cover (and I did for Batman #36), but most of the time I just rush in, make sure I have all my books, answer Peter the Store Owner's question of "What's new?" with "Nothing much" and scurry out as quickly as possible. Then I hate myself for hours afterward. Although coping with the hate allows me to eat a box of Oreos, so it isn't all bad!

Last issue, Lana Lang was in the Smallville Cemetary [sic] whining about how Superman saves the lives of everybody on Earth so much that they're all going to be dead because of it. Way to not do logic, Lana! I bet the zombies that were crawling out of the ground ignore you since there's nothing in your head to feast on!

Superman had just recently come back to town (and by "town," I mean "Earth" (and by "Earth," I mean "our solar system" (and by "our solar system," I mean "our galaxy" (and by "our galaxy," I mean The New 52 Universe (which I probably should have just said from the start))))) and has been checking in with his city and its people to see how they're all doing after Brainiac's attack.

That's the right attitude, Clark! Fuck them! They can do their own Goddamned labor!

Meanwhile, Greg Pak may as well have just spread his ass cheeks and placed his anal sphincter directly on my lips before ripping a huge fart because the whole zombie sequence from last issue was just a dream.

I bet it's called Tromboning when you eat out a guy's ass while giving him a reach around, right? Am I right on that one? This is just like when I invented a drink called the Gojira (or Godzilla as non-Nipponophiles would say) that was one-half Green Monster and one-half Sake. I figured that was too spot on a drink to not have been created already and I looked it up online to find it had been. Although it was called a Godzilla.

Give a girl a little warning, Steel, before you try to shove it up that hole.

This issue is called "Horrorville" so I suspect that John's penis isn't the only thing that's going to make Lana scream before it's over. Maybe the zombies will be real! The dream was a portent! Or did I mean important? It was an importent dream!

Well, Lana has Romero, Craven, Carpenter, and Coscarelli covered. Next will she see two little girls wanting to play with her forever and ever?

It seems Lana Lang is suffering some traumatic brain injury from Brainiac's attack that is causing her to hallucinate pieces of horror movies. We've got Romero's zombies, Craven's nightmares, Carpenter's fog, and Coscarelli's ubiquitous hearse (Coscarelli was the only name I couldn't remember and had to look up. I'm still working on my Grandmaster Horror Movie Watcher badge. I let it lapse for a long time!). Plus the issue was called "Horrorville"! Maybe she'll hear some "chu chu chu mah mah mah" next! Unless you make different noises when doing Jason's theme.

Lana and John follow the hearse to the Smallville Cemetary [sic again!] to discover that Lana's parents have escaped from their graves! That's good news, right? They're alive! Maybe alive in a weird kind of stinky, ravenous undeath...but they're alive!

The fog descends on everybody and even though they were all within five feet of each other (John, Lana, the Sheriff, and the woman driving the Hearse), they suddenly can't see or find anybody else! Whelp, that's what happens when you get covered in quickly descending fog in a horror movie. Also it's always full of dead people.

And sometimes things like this that love to shove its tentacles up the assholes of corpses and use them like puppets.

Superman flies in to punch the alien in the face and make it disappear.

Hey. I have a question. Does anybody in Metropolis wonder why Superman and Clark Kent returned at the same time with the exact same Goddamned beard? No? Nobody? Okay.

Superman finds himself trapped in the fog in Smallville. I guess next issue he'll have to begin looking for clues. The first clue he might find is how everybody in Smallville suddenly has Invasion of the Body Snatchers face.

Action Comics #36 Rating: It's nice to get some smaller stories, right? A break from all the unending cosmic continuity crossovers? I just wish Krypto was involved a bit more than Lana Lang. As far as rankings go, this comic is a standard, middle of the road affair. If you love Superman and if you really love Lana Lang, you probably really enjoy this book. Unless Lana Lang isn't being written correctly! Then you probably hate this book with a passion and wish Greg Pak would die in a gas station men's room bathroom stall. Whatever. I'm not here to tell you what to like! I'm just here to say Action Comics written by Greg Pak is better than some New 52 comic books and not as good as some other New 52 comic books. Go read it yourself! Don't take my word for it!

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Aquaman and the Others #7

Argh! It's that time of month again? Do I have to read this?

DC Comics needs to cancel this book. They're going to do it eventually so why not now while they have all that revenue streaming in from their weekly comic books starring Batman, Replacement Batman, and Future Batman? And while they're at it, they should also cancel Infinity Man and the Forever People because nobody cares about Dan Didio reworking Jack Kirby's old creations; Constantine because having a hobbled Constantine means we don't get the full blown Constantine in Hellblazer (plus the current series has been lacking in a lot of ways); Sinestro because we don't need more Green Lantern books, especially boring as shit ones; Deathstroke because it's going to be painful watching Tony S. Daniel try to write and draw yet another book; New Suicide Squad because they fucked up the Rebooted Reboot immediately with the shitty roster and putting Sage in place above Waller; and Red Hood and the Outlaws. I'm sure a lot of people just punched my imaginary face with their imaginary fist for suggesting that. But you need to kill off this version before you can bring one along that works. Get Lobdell off of the title. Revamp the premise. Then allow Todd, Harper, and Kori to pal around in a book together. And drop that fucking outlaw shit from the title. It reeks of desperation. "Look! Look! They're anti-heroes!" I'm allowing Klarion to not be cancelled because I think Ann Nocenti can do the least harm on that book. Trinity of Sin can have a few more issues to get me interested. And Twat Lobo can stay too because I need a book that's the literature equivalent of going into a closet and whipping myself across the back forty times with a cat o' nine tails. It's what I deserve!

Just to prove that he could make this book more boring and irrelevant, Dan Jurgens has the team battling KGBeast.

Dude, shut up! You're going to ruin it for all of us! I mean, she has the right to dress however she pleases!

Remember how last issue ended with iSpy being thrown from a building, exactly the way no comic book has ever ended before in the history of comic books? I wonder why it's taken so long for a writer to realize how great that cliffhanger is!

Dan Jurgens: "If I end this issue with one of the Others falling off of a building, the readers will be on the edge of their seat for a full month wondering if he'll survive or how he'll get out of it! What could be more intense than a D-list character..."
Geoff Johns: "*AHEM*"
Dan Jurgens: "Um, A-list character possibly falling to their death when the story ends?! The readers will go nuts!"
Aquaman and the Others' Five Readers: *picks up Aquaman and the Others #7*
Aquaman and the Others' Five Readers: *slides Aquaman and the Others #7 to the bottom of the stack*

Vostok-X flies up just in time to catch-X iSpy before he iSplatters all over the ground. They head back up to where KGBeast is waiting to swap KGBoring stories of glory days with Vostok-X. But only if Vostok-X is the Omega. Does he mean the last one? Or would that be the first one in Russian since they have that silly alphabet with all the backwards letters in it.

Yes, I called the Russian alphabet silly! What are they going to do about it? Make a bunch of buildings out of concrete blocks where they'll ration out Kit Kat bars to long queues of people afraid to gossip about Putin's sexuality? I hope nobody in the Portland Russian Mafia reads this blog! Or if they do, I hope they have a good sense of humor and are incapable of telling when people are lying when I tell them this entire paragraph was just a joke! Ha ha! Levity!

Is anybody interested in any of these characters yet?

I know why Aquaman hangs around with The Others. Because he seems exciting and likable by comparison. I don't care about Vostok-X's past because he has yet to interest me on any level. The same goes for all of the other Others as well. Except for Ya'wara. Her butt cheeks are moderately interesting.

Cheshire (or The Leprechaun. How the fuck should I know? iSpy merely calls her "her." That doesn't help!) drops out of the sky to even the odds. But then Aquaman drops out of the sky to uneven the odds right back. I think Mera is flying the warbird that Aquaman drops out of. When did she learn to pilot an aircraft? All those years when she lived in the ocean?

Cheshire, KGBeast, and a new ally of theirs, Maelstrom, escape with iSpy's flash drive full of sensitive information and his Anne of Green Gables fanfiction.

Aquaman and the Others stand around on the rooftop going, "Blah blah blah!" "Oh, blah blah blah blah blah!" "BLAH!" Blah ha ha ha!"

I wish DC would at least include gum with this comic book so I could choke on it and never have to read it again.

Let's take a poll. Hands up, who likes this book? Now look at both of your arms. If either one of them is up in the air, smack yourself in the face with it. Also go run around the neighborhood until you fall and skin your knee because you're obviously not feeling anything on any kind of regular basis. You need a shock to your system! If you know of a beehive nearby, go get stung. That should wake you up.

No! Not Mayhem! That sounds mildly irritating!

Meanwhile Prisoner of War has tea and tells a woman a story about how her husband died. It begins with an explosion in a building and Prisoner of War jumping to the conclusion that it's terrorists. Couldn't it have just been a domestic accident involving a cigarette, a build up of methane, and a toilet? That seems more probable.

The big twist in the story was that this woman's husband was killed in a firefight between KGBeast and iSpy! And it was probably iSpy's bullets that did the killing. Oh the humanitragedy!

Actually, I just finished the book and it definitely was iSpy that killed one of the "ghosts" inside Prisoner of War.

Meanwhile on the moon, Mayhem have taken over Vostok-X's old base! And what a group of super villains it is! Somebody named Brace and Stranglehold. Cheshire and Maelstrom. And KGBeast and NKDemon. And they've got a plan that would make 1980 say, "Really? Really? Are you sure you want to go with that...okay! Okay. Just asking. But I'm telling you, that was tired back when I was alive. Which was, you know, 1980."

Holy fuck. It just got even boringerer.

Aquaman and the Others #7 Rating: Hey Aquaman fans! Stop buying this stupid fucking comic book. You know who the only sane character in this comic book is? Mera! Because she keeps telling Aquaman he shouldn't be hanging around with these assholes.

Along with his run on Superman and Justice League International, this issue makes me believe that Dan Jurgens is some kind of artificial intelligence that was created in the eighties and built without a port for an ethernet cable or a USB. So he only has access to information that existed up until the time he was built and programmed. More evidence to that theory is that his art hasn't changed or grown since the eighties. I know Lan Medina drew this issue! I was talking about other issues, you Sopwith Camel! Anyway, Dan Jurgens, I've discovered your secret! You are a bulky 1980s robot that probably has a light that flashes back and forth across your face for eyes and has probably been programmed to disco dance to Michael Jackson music.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Injustice League 3000 #11

I don't recognize Flash's enemy? Molly Ringwald?

The caption above is assuming the bald guy is Lex Luthor. I suppose the bald guy could also be Mirror Master, and then I don't recognize Superman's enemy! Molly Ringwald?

In honor of Messrs. Giffen and DeMatteis, I am going to recycle my Molly Ringwald "joke" as many times as I can. And it will be funny every fucking time, you hear me?!

Is that L-Ron 3000? And is that Ambush Bug 3000 way off to the left? Or Kick-Ass 3000?

This issue is called "A New Beginning." Just like that version of Little House on the Prairie starring Shannon Doherty! The one alternately remembered as Little House 66676. That's just my guess at the zip code for a Kansas address. I'm not even entirely sure what state Little House on the Prairie took place in! I know when the economy shit all over itself, they all moved up to Mankato which is in Minnesota. Unless it was Wisconsin. One of those cold states with people that talk funny and street urchins can get addicted to heroin and find a loving father figure who always wanted a son of his own but his damn wife failed him every time so that he became exhausted from digging tiny grave after tiny grave.

For some reason (and it might be the because I'm stupid reason), I thought the Convert physically went to Camelot Nine with the rest of the Fatal Five even though he never has to actually show himself. And when he appears in this issue, I still believe he's speaking through a person he's possessed. So it's still possible that Aquaman 3000 is the Convert! That's my Thanksgiving Wish! Do I have to kill a turkey and eviscerate it and yank out its wishbone and then stand over its corpse while giggling and playing a game where me and somebody else fight over one of its bones in the hopes of gaining a wish? Or can I just have the wish without the violence, humiliation, and desecration of a poor animal's corpse?

Hey! Hey! What do you think's going to happen, hunh?! Hunh?!

Now I have Bon Jovi songs stuck in my head for some reason!

Ariel Masters plans to use Camelot Nine as the headquarters for the JL3k Gang. Bruce thinks they need to hire a butler. Darn. I was hoping they'd work out of a van and hire a talking dog.

Superman 3000 and Teri Flash race each other because you always need a good Superman versus The Flash in a footrace every few years. Superman loses because he's out of shape. Does that mean Camelot Nine does not revolve around a yellow sun?! Are his powers running out?! If different colors of Kryptonite do different things to Superman, does he gain different powers depending on the color of the sun he's currently bathed in the light of? That story must have already been written somewhere when I wasn't paying attention.

Oh duh! Of course Superman's enemy is Lois Lane! I guess the marriage eventually hit the rocks. Dan Didio was probably steering the boat.

I'm getting awfully close to the super duper extra exciting last page that was mentioned in the credits on the first page! I'm as excited as Patton Oswalt's depression after two days without medication!

Meanwhile on Takron-Galtos (New Old Earth That Was!), a construction crew are excavating the ocean. Are they going to find Aquaman? Mera? A cache of Hostess Fruit Pies?

No, what they find is a cryogenic chamber. That was my joke guess because we all know what's going to be found already anyway because solicits and advanced cover screenings gave it away months ago! They're going to uncover Molly Ringwald.

Oh how sweet! They opted for adjacent graves!

I hate fucking spoilers. If I hadn't known Beetle and Booster were going to come back, I might have just come in my shorts right now with this revelation. As it is, it's just a big fucking yawn. I really do despise the comic book culture of having to know everything months in advance. Not that it's just comic book fans that eat that shit up. Television shows always show the big fucking surprise in any promo of upcoming shows so that the tender headed masses will perk up from chewing their cud and go, "Moo? MOOO! MOOO!" And then they have to watch whatever the commercial made look so exciting. But you know who those fucking commercials fuck over? The regular viewers! The viewers that were going to watch anyway and would have fucking loved to be surprised by the outcome of a show for once in their goddamned lives! I understand that DC needs all eight Booster and Beetle fans to know that they're going to be starring in this book so they'll pirate it on the internet throw their hard earned cash at it. But I'm really disappointed that I couldn't have been surprised by this.

Justice League 3000 #11 Rating: It's a good thing I'm not actively rating comic books this month or I'd give this a big minus simply because it reminded me how much I can't stand having stories ruined for me. It's a good thing books come out with all the chapters included right from the start or else the publishing companies would be advertising shit like, "Don't miss the last chapter of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest! You'll never guess what the surgeons finally do to McMurphy! And you won't want to miss how Chief Bromden finally outwits the Combine!"

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Earth 2 #28

The Apokoliptian Invasion! Run for your life!

Since World's End has taken to telling a fairly linear story about the Not Quite the Justice Society's battle against Apokolips, Earth 2 hasn't been given any time at all to talk about them. So what will this comic book be about? I've got a feeling it will tell the secret origins of the Fab Furies of Apokolips! Remember them? They're the ones that were going to cause widespread devastation and tons of exciting plot twists but haven't really done shit for five full issues. What are they doing? They traveled across the universe to destroy Earth and they've simply all gone AWOL! I suppose I'll get my fill of them here.

The credits show four full sets of artists, so I guess each set will be doing one story each or something. The first story takes place on Czarnia. Oh great! With a special appearance by Twat Lobo, I bet! Is Twat Lobo from Earth-2's Czarnia? Is that all the explanation we need? Is his Czarnia really from Earth-Twat?!

Wait. This girl and bad boy Twat Lobo aren't going to come together and create a baby, are they? A baby THAT WILL NEVER BE BORN!

My first thought was that this Czarnian was going to be Death. But beyond the skin color, they really don't share any similarities. I bet she becomes Pestilence after Twat Lobo (or Lobo Lobo?!) destroys Czarnia with a plague. Twat Lobo gives the girl some advice and never once says, "Sorry. Not sorry." I am sorry for typing that though.

This Czarnian is caught stealing medicine for her family and locked away. As punishment, she's filled with every disease known to Czarnia to be the ambassador to Apokolips. All she has to do is act naturally, walk up to Darkseid, and fill him full of various airborne illnesses.

"I feel fine! When do I get to meet Darkseid?! Um, don't worry about my exploding sores! You should have seen them yesterday! I'm totally getting better. Now where's her majesty? I mean his majesty?!"

Desaad has probably never seen a gift horsemen in his life but he recognizes one when he sees one. And he doesn't even look her in the mouth because gross! Desaad hires her and this story ends. Except it doesn't end with "the end." It does that stupid, overdone thing where it ends with "The beginning...". I hope all four short stories don't end like that! You can't do that, can you? Maybe that's the only way it can be done! Four times in the same comic book! It's so overdone that it will come back around to being underdone and clever!

The next story takes place on the Warworld of Earth-2. Or, um, Universe-2, I guess! It stars Famine! And Mongul! And Steppenwolf! What a star-studded cast! I wonder if Jim Starlin is upset that somebody else is writing his baby, Warworld?

On Warworld, they battle seemingly eight days a week. In spite of all the danger, Steppenwolf has decided to pay a visit to Warworld, probably to look for new recruits.

How do those little skinny guys carry that weight? I saw her standing there on the battlefield, and she's freaking gigantic! She looks like a yellow submarine!

Later at dinner, Steppenwolf is all, "Miss, I've just got to get you into my life." And Mongul is all, "Ain't she sweet?" And Steppenwolf is all, "Do you want to know a secret? My furies live forever!" And Mongul is all, "Oh! Darling, do not listen to him!" And Steppenwolf is all, "You'll be mine." And Mongul is all, "What you're doing is not cool!" And Steppenwolf is all, "Baby, baby. You know what to do." And Soon-to-be-Famine is all, "Everybody's trying to be my baby!" And Mongul is all, "Don't let me down!" And Steppenwolf is all, "I want you (she's so heavy!)." And Mongul is all, "Don't listen to him! The two of us...we can work it out!" And Soon-to-be-Famine is all, "I sense a beginning ending coming up!" And Steppenwolf is all, "I don't want to spoil the party, but you're going to lose that girl!" And Mongul is all, "I'm a loser." And Steppenwolf is all, "She's leaving home!" And Mongul is all, "I'll get you!" And Soon-to-be-Famine is all, "Hello goodbye!" And Mongul is all, "Help! I should have known better!" And that's how the Fury of Famine left Jim Starlin's Warworld to live on Apokolips.

And, yes, this story ended with "The Beginning...". So it's getting really exciting! Four "The Beginning..."s in one book! If I were a paperback writer, I would never even attempt this feat!

The next story stars little Earth-2 Starfire, K'li. I think that was her name. It's possible her name is Lucille. Or Michelle! Maggie Mae? Starfire-2 crash lands on Apokolips and kills every parademon she stumbles across.

Hello little girl. How do you do it?

Big Barda trains Universe-2 Starfire to be the best monster she can be. Every little thing she does is horrific, as if she had a devil in her heart. Here, there and everywhere, corpses line her wake. Darkseid readily accepts her as his Fury of War thus marking another beginning! Three in a row! Majestic!

The fourth story is about Death and takes place on Mars-2. Happiness is a warm gun. I am the walrus. Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey. Being for the benefit of Mr. Kite! Maxwell's silver hammer.

Ob-la-di, ob-la-da.

I want to hold your hand. Blackbird. Dear Prudence. Dizzy Miss Lizzy. Magical mystery tour. Lucy in the sky with diamonds. The long and winding road. Komm, gib mir deine Hand. I've just seen a face. Glass onion. Doctor Robert.

Day tripper.

Earth 2 #28 Ranking: I'm only sleeping.

Monday, November 24, 2014

In Which I Plug Some of Grunion Guy's Recent Bullshit

Grunion Guy wanted everybody to know that he recently reviewed an old text adventure game from 1978 or something. He also wrote an unnecessary walkthrough of it. Oh sorry. As he calls it, "A Walk Story."

Grayson #4

Uh oh! Somebody pissed off the Spider Women of Spider Island!

After last issue, Spyral probably held a meeting about Dick Grayson and his usefulness to the team. And even though he keeps not following orders and he was sort of responsible for Agent 8's death and he's probably fucking every woman in the organization, Mister Spyral Minos still wants him on the team. At the meeting, he probably had to say, "Just trust me!", about twenty times to his outraged lieutenants. I almost went with "sergeants" because lieutenants is so hard to spell but I got it right on the first try anyway! Not because I'm good at spelling (I'm not terrible!) but because I just got lucky on the first shot. I find, with spell-checker, I'm getting lazier and lazier about my spelling. I just take a few stabs at spelling a word and if I can't get it right, I left-click on it, choose the correct spelling, and move on without having learned a thing.

Back to Mister Spyral Minos, he probably wants Dick on the team for some long con against Bruce Wayne. They currently have him hunting down the body parts of some guy named Paragon, probably for dual reasons: to keep him busy, and to, well, you know, find the body parts of Paragon. While Dick is kept distracted with his spy job, Mister Spyral Minos is probably setting up some scheme to bring down the Batman once and for all. Or he's just grooming Dick so he can get a shot at that ass too.

I don't think the creative team eats a lot of lollipops because it isn't the sucking sound that annoys other people. It's the constant clicking of the lollipop against the teeth that drives them nuts. Although "suck, suck" is much funnier than "clickety clackety" and gets the message across better. Also every person reading is imagining a dick in Dick's mouth. By the way, I'm a sucker, not a hater. Um, of lollipops!

It's time for another mission! This time, Dick and Helena get to infiltrate Checkmate and steal a hard drive with information on Paragon! Which seems like a difficult mission to do since once somebody has a hard drive with important information on it, don't you think they'd copy that information to other drives and clouds and Hello Kitty USB data storage devices? You can't put the genie back in the bottle! Well, sometimes you can, if you're really smart and tricky. You just have to use the genie's arrogance against himself (or herself! Some genies can be female! I saw it on a television show. I think if you're a 'djinn', you're male; if you're a 'Jeannie', female).

We haven't seen a lot from Checkmate in The New 52, so this could be interesting. Or it could just be a lot of "Get them, Pawns!" and "Yes sir, Rook sir!" and "Who let Bishop in the children's ward?!"

Meanwhile at Saint Hadrian's finishing school, a lot of curious girls are coming into their sexuality and practicing kissing on each other and practicing fucking on thick candles. Um, I think. That's what goes on in finishing schools, right?

Holy crap! There's a b-b-b-b-b-boy in the building! Where'd Matron lock up those candles?!

Lucky Dick! Now he's got a band of horny young teenaged murderesses after him! I've never been so envious.

Dick probably won't think he's so lucky since he has a lot of secrets he's trying to keep from everybody at Spyral and Saint Hadrian's. These dripping young lasses might stumble upon one of his Bat Devices! And then where will he be? Oh! Probably having sex with an underage vixen that's blackmailing him into having sex with her or else she'll report him to Mister Minos! Gosh, what a horrible turn of events that would be!

Dick's sucker was actually a means to try to pick up some DNA samples from Mister Minos. I know a better way of sucking that would get a bigger sample! Um, anyway, the sucker was sent off to Batman for analysis and Bruce discovered that Mister Minos keeps a supply of tiny, hungry nanobots that eat all of his DNA so that he doesn't leave any forensic evidence anywhere. Gross. I bet Mister Minos just masturbates all over his office because he knows his little robots will clean it right up for him.

How cute. They're having a bit of a tiff.

This is an excellent example of how to do a comic book well when you hold back information from the reader. Too many comic books begin in the action on the first couple of pages and then flash back to tell the whole story from the beginning. Or they keep having characters learn things which move the plot forward but refuse to give the reader the same information to keep the mystery going. But this book is doing the Paragon thing right. Stormwatch killed some guy named Paragon (or just dismembered him (or, according to this line about the heart by Midnighter, blew him up in orbit)) and now Spyral and Midnighter are separately searching for his parts (as well as other organizations. Emphasis on "organ!"). The reader doesn't know the whole story because this comic doesn't rely on that story for forward momentum. Sure, it's what the plot is all about. But the comic is about Dick and Bruce and their infiltration of Spyral. The pacing on the revelation of the Paragon stuff has been nicely done. Especially this part where we finally get some Apollo action. It's all balanced nicely between the spy stuff and the Bruce stuff and the young girls lusting after Dick stuff.

Oh! They're college girls! Even better! I mean, obviously even better because of arbitrary laws about sexual activity and very specific ages!

Oh, don't get your thick cotton undies in a twist, ya damn Puritans! I'm not interested in the youngings! I'm forty-three and I can barely deal long term with anybody, male or female, born post Empire Strikes Back! Although Nick at Nite has given many young people the pop culture knowledge to interact with my exact level of immaturity. And now with easy access to all media ever, the lines between generations blur rapidly between any two people of any age who are simply curious to consume as much as they can. So while the Empire Strikes Back limit used to be a visceral thing (probably right up to about the turn of the century), now that we're all online, the different generations share many of the same experiences. Like ease of access to tons of pornography!

Pornography should be my generation's "At your age, we had to walk uphill in the snow to school."

Old Tess: "When I was your age, I had to find my pornography in the bushes down the side of a steep creek covered in poisonous snakes and spiders! And we didn't get to pick what kind of porn we masturbated to! Oh no! Beggars can't be heterosexuals! If it was gay male porn, you just squinted a bit and pretended that was a woman's hairy asshole. Oh! Speaking of hair! I don't even know the first time I saw actual female genitalia and not just bush! I once found a magazine called "Girls Who Eat Cum" which was just shot after shot of penises shooting their load onto women's faces. Not a tit or snatch in sight! Did that stop me? By golly, no! I treasured that porn like it was, well, like it was porn! Porn was gold in those days! Oncet, and yes I meant oncet, I found a black and white porn cartoon of Santa's elves fucking Missus Claus. That was all I had for weeks and it was enough! I hid it in the branches of a fucking tree at my elementary school! Okay, I guess it was enough because I wasn't actually masturbating yet. But I could get a boner! Good god could I get a boner! A boner like you never saw before! Young and eager and straining at the waist band of my underwear! Giddy with the possibilities of future sexual adventures! Sexual adventures like, well, I don't know! I guess my ding dong would rub up on the woman's nether hair or something?"

Uh oh! They're onto Dick! Good thing Helena has a crush on him! She'll never rat him out!

Mister Minos must be playing a game with Helena because if I had hired Batman's pool boy and then secret transmissions suddenly began leaving my facility, I'd immediately suspect Batman's pool boy! Everybody remains loyal to Batman! Even Jason Todd is loyal to Batman! Even though he never killed the Joker with a crowbar like he probably should have.

Trade four inexperienced girls for one tiger of a woman like Matron? Baws yes!

Bruce Wayne is a genius. By sending Dick Grayson to a spy school for girls, he'll never be caught! Because all the women just want to eat his tight ass! Spy schools expect a little subterfuge and sabotage now and then. So who cares if Dick Grayson is a spy as long as he's a spy willing to make mama happy.

Later, Dick gets reprimanded by Mister Minos for exposing himself to the young girls on campus.

Come and knock on our door! Take a step that is new! Where the faces are hers and spirals and unmemorable! Three's company too!

Helena reports back to Mister Minos about the unknown broadcasts on campus. She hands over some mini-cameras that one of the girls was using to spy on staff. That's the one that got all the nearly naked pictures of Dick Grayson! Lotti, the camera girl, receives extra credit for her imaginative extra-curricular activities. And all the young girls get paddled for breaking curfew. Why isn't that scene in this comic book? Doesn't DC want to sell lots and lots of comic books?! Doesn't DC like money?

The issue ends with Helena getting Dick Grayson to chase her across the rooftops. Helena has an elementary school crush on Dick Grayson! Except Helena will know what to do once he catches her.

Grayson #4 Rating: I'm not rating the issues this month. I'm just revamping the rankings. Across four issues, Grayson has been a surprisingly charming and fun book. Tim Seeley and Tom King understand the character. They seem to have a plan to fit Dick Grayson into a world that he, at the most fundamental levels of his character, doesn't fit into. Plus Midnighter has been a supporting character!