Convergence: Batman and Robin #2

One of these two characters is the greatest character Grant Morrison ever created.

If you're a big nerd and just love to be a huge pedantic jerk-face, you're probably chomping at your Cheetos-covered bit to point out that technically Grant Morrison didn't create Damian Wayne. The technically in that is important because obviously Grant Morrison created the character! Denny O'Neil created a world in which Batman had a son with Talia but that was just off-canon, semen-covered pablum. The semen is the important part of that descriptor because it seeded Grant Morrison's vagina mind and got it pregnant with Damian Wayne. I'm glad pedantic jerk-faced nerds don't know anything about sex or else they'd get all pedantic about me saying a vagina can get pregnant!

Last issue, Damian met the Red Hood for the first time. Unless he didn't. He seemed not to know that the Red Hood was previously a Robin because he got all heartbroken that Batman would treat the guy like family. It's also possible, since I know nothing about the Pre-Flashpoint years (except that Grant Morrison wrote a lot of shit I should probably read), that Damian was using that "treating this strange jerk like family" line because he knows it's Jason Todd under that mask. He's trying to tell Batman, in the only way he knows how (by being a little asshole), that Batman is a shitty father who loves dead kids better than alive kids, and he doesn't even love dead kids that much if they return from the grave. People without their own opinions are the easiest people to deal with. And you know how many opinions dead people have, right?! No wonder Bruce loves his mother and father so much. They were only able to fail him once. Imagine how much more angst Batman would have if he had to grow up as a teenager around them?!

Last issue ended with the C-List Extremists challenging Batman, Robin, Red Hood, and Scarlet to a battle. But Batman is all, "We don't fight just because somebody told us we fight. But we will fight to defend our lives which is kind of the same thing but at least it's on our terms. So there."

Okay, they sound like poorly written siblings. They must know each other.

Has anybody ever had their breakfast peed on? Why would anybody even assume that happened when they meet somebody in a bad mood? Aren't there more unlikely reasons that a person is annoyed and disgruntled in the morning? I would assume that they're still just getting over the intrusion of reality on their dreaming life. Waking life is the worst part of life. It takes me at least eight hours after waking to acclimate to it.

After all the living dolls are destroyed and the Extremists join the fight, the dialogue really gets interesting!

Scarlet really nails her big line!

I think somebody is writing this Marvel style! You know, that's where Ron Marz hands a "script" to Denys Cowan that looks something like this:

Page 1-4 or something: The Bat-family is overrun by Carny's living dolls.
Page 1-10 or something: The Extremists join the fight and everybody fights.
Page whatever to whatever: The fight is resolved and stuff.
Page the last pages: Damian and Batman almost hug. That should be clear but if you have any questions, text me! I'm going to go blow my fat Convergence money on hookers now!"

I've read that panel with Scarlet and, um, Meanstreak? about seven times because it's so awful. I keep trying to make it sound clever by stressing different words, or imagining they're having sex. It's especially terrible since this is only the second time Scarlet has even gotten to put words in a word balloon. She's an enigma wrapped in an enigma encased in an enigma!

How did Ron Marz once make Wizard's List of Hottest Writers?

Why even have Batman say anything if he's just going to stand there asking their names? Why is he doing that? Has he forgotten who they are after getting punched in the face a dozen times by Brute? Is this Batman's way of showing disappointment that they haven't taken care of their rivals yet? Wouldn't it be better if he just said nothing?

Actually, the Extremists don't live by the rules at all which is why they destroyed their homeworld. Which also means they probably make the rules since nobody else was left to make any. Unless that's just Lord Havok's job, and then Death Angel is being as honest as she can.

When I first glanced at that panel, I thought Damian was laughing at what Death Angel was saying. Then I read Death Angel's dialogue, saw that it was incredibly boring, and realized Damian is simply laughing at Jason Todd getting his face slashed off. That kid is a dick, isn't he?!

The action only gets more incredible as Brute recovers and attacks Batman before Damian or Jason can answer him. As Brute grabs Batman's cape, Batman says, "You again." It almost makes me quit reading comic books once and for all. But then Damian Wayne calls Carny fat (again!) and I go so far past quitting comic books that I'm back to reading them again! Red Hood kicks Death Angel because he can't grapple with her or punch her because he's holding a gun in each hand. If he's not going to shoot her, he really should put the guns away. And finally, Scarlet pulls out a teeny little knife and says to Meanstreaker, "That's a knife! This is a knife too!" She probably should have pulled out her blade earlier before her face got all slashed up.

You know, I think I have a comic book from way back called Scarlet. Wasn't it about vampires? Is this that Scarlet? Is that why she doesn't say much? Vampires don't say much usually. At least that was true before Ann Rice got her hands on them and then, oh boy! Stop whinging on, Lestat! Just accept your life as a vampire and stop being such a fucking baby! Even Louis who is far more likeable and kind accepts his Salem's Lot in life! Anne wrote Interview With a Vampire in which Lestat and Louis seemed to say everything that needed to be said. But then fucking Lestat couldn't stop going on and on about how life fucked him and he needed his own book. And still that wasn't enough because we still had to hear about how Lestat was his own worst enemy and constantly drove away everybody he loved in Tale of the Body Thief! That's about where I stopped reading so if Lestat was still rolling around in his own piss and misery, I, for one, wasn't reading any more about it.

Batman allows himself to get the lower hand with Brute so that Damian and Jason will work together to save Batman. Then Batman is all, "Good jorb, guys! Did you hear how I pronounced 'job' as 'jorb'? That was me kidding around with my sons! You're both my sons and I love you a lot! Now let's fight these bad guys together!" And Jason Todd and Damian Wayne hug and then go running into battle holding hands.

Scarlet must have died while the kids were helping Batman.

Throughout the entire comic book, Carny goes on and on about playing and games. It was only now, about eighteen pages in, that I got the hint! Hey! This guy likes playing games! Ha ha!

Brute grabs Jason and Damian just as the Convergence Earthquake hits and shakes the old building apart and turns Gotham into a no man's land. Probably. Brute falls off the building but Damian grabs Jason's hand and falls off the building and then Batman grabs Damian's hand and doesn't fall off the building, even though he's crying his eyes out because Jason Todd said "dead in an alley." What an unfeeling asshole!

After the fight, Batman asks, "Are either of you hurt?" See, that's supposed to be a call back from last issue when Damian did not ask if Batman was hurt when he obviously was very hurt. He's teaching his son how to be a man! Or maybe he's actually asking if either one is emotionally butthurt because he showed more love for one or the other during the fight. Also, he doesn't ask if Scarlet is hurt because he's all, "Who is Scarlet? Was somebody else fighting on our side?"

Scarlet ties up all the bad guys while the Bat-Family watches. I guess billionaires and their families are too good for the blue collar work of cleaning up the crime scene. Dicks.

See, Batman? Hugs aren't lethal.

Well! I'm glad Jason Todd is over the whole "I was killed by The Joker and you didn't kill him at all afterward so you must not love me!" thing he was suffering from. And Batman found the ability to do that move where you immobilize a criminal but you just do it softer and people feel comfort from it. Nice jorb, Batman!

Superman stops by to rub his father and mother in Batman's face. They don't hug because that would be totally gay and the paparazzi might be watching and then the headline on some rag sheet will be all, "Batman and Superman...Bat butt buddies?!" And then Superman and Batman will have to be even more cautious when they fuck in the sky. But they leave each other on good terms because they're both dads now and they have no idea what's going to happen after Convergence ends. I wonder if even DC Comics knows?

Convergence: Batman and Robin #2 Rating: This issue wasn't as awful as the first issue although it was 90% fight with horrible dialogue thrown in. Nobody really acknowledges Scarlet and the final panel with Batman, Robin, and Red Hood completely leaves her out. Did I just imagine her? The final few pages were a bit rushed but that was fine. This whole Convergence thing is about leaving characters in a completely different place than they've ever been (or haven't been for a long time). So Batman and Superman are accepting their changing roles as fathers and realizing they have a new responsibility to the world. Damian and Jason have a grudging respect for each other. And Jason Todd has let the past go so he can hang out with daddy. This issue deserves 6 Dead Parents in an Alley out of 10.

Divergence: The Omega Men
"For 200 years the Citadel has controlled the worlds of the Vega star system. Millions have resisted. Millions have died. Billions have surrendered. Six fight on."

Did The Omega Men really need to be rebooted? Does anybody think they'll accidentally strike gold again and create another rock star character like Lobo? I have my doubts! I also have my doubts that this series will be interesting!

I think Tom King, the writer, came from television, right? I could ask Lord Google but fuck him. We're fighting right now because I asked him for an innocent search term and he returned row after row of erect phalluses. Jerko! Anyway, the opening scene is quite cinematic and done in that "Keith Giffen/Brady Bunch" style. It starts with a robot and a probably cat person and a big broot...er, brute in a robe setting up a set for a ransom video. Or a cutting off the captured person's head video but I think DC Comics is probably thinking twice about publishing touchy stuff like that right now.

Okay dammit. This is a good set-up for the series. I'm in.

I hope Fox News doesn't get a whiff of this and portray it as a pro-ISIS comic book!

The man in the hood is Kyle Rayner which makes me hope the beheading is actually going to happen! No, no! I'm just kidding! No wait! Kidding about beheadings is probably worse than actually beheading somebody! And kidding about a fictional beheading is probably worse than that! I take back everything I said forever and completely apologize and will now think whatever thoughts won't offend anybody forever.

Kyle came to the Omega Men with words of peace from The Citadel. At least, that's what Kyle thought. But the history has proven that these negotiations are full of lies and betrayals. Kyle may have thought he was negotiating peace but he's just caught up in a conflict that can only end with one side's complete destruction.

Oh. There's the cat person!

Tigorr goes to slit Kyle's throat but the tape goes all wonky the way VHS tapes were wont to do in the time before fire was invented. So Kyle probably didn't actually die at all. He's probably going to join the Omega Men and help them defeat The Citadel. That's cool. Dead or not dead, Tom King just got me interested in The Omega Men and Kyle Rayner.

Holy fuck this Divergence comic was heavy. Beautifully put together. Nicely done, Tom King. I hope the Convergence Weekly lives up to this eight page mini!

P!S!: Never mind all that stuff where I confused Tom King with Jeff King. I probably should have consulted Lord Google! Also I should remember names betterer.

Convergence: Batman and Robin #1

Oh boy! Ron Marz writing! I have not been kind to Ron Marz in the past.

This will be my first Convergence issue that isn't the weekly mini-series so I'll find out how it's going to work here. Besides the whole Multiversal Thunderdome plot, I don't really know how these stories are supposed to work. Is Red Hood from DC Comics in 2007 going to wander over and bump into 1990 Tim Drake Robin while 1987 Batman watches creepily? The only thing I know for sure is that a whole lot of writers whose writing I have described in many horrible ways have come back to be a part of the fun. Marz. Nicieza. Wolfman. Tieri. Lobdell. Maybe this whole Convergence thing isn't just a competition to see which characters get to come back into the DC Universe but also a second chance for crappy writers. I wish Liefeld wasn't so butthurt by DC Comics because I'd love to comment on more of his books. He's terrible! And I'm talking about his writing!

I notice Howard Mackie's name isn't on any of the Convergence titles. I guess DC Comics actually has some standards when it comes to hiring writers.

Now I feel bad for saying that about Howard Mackie. No, wait! Inspecting my feelings a little closer and I feel bad for Howard Mackie because he's such a crappy writer.

The inside cover of the issue has the fight card on it.

The sure bet for overall winner is the Pre-Flashpoint Universe so look for Batman (Bruce Wayne version with underwear) to beat ass on Batman (Thomas Wayne version). Unless this story takes place after Batman read his dad's letter and then maybe look for tears and hugs.

I don't know anything about El Inferno. But I am looking forward to the Extremists murdering every single member of the Amazing Zoo Crew. Of course, they'll just spring back to life due to cartoon physics and then pelt the Extremists with pies and carrots.

The issue begins with Mr. Freeze stomping on Poison Ivy's berries. I guess it's Arkham's annual field trip to the farm since alongside Mr. Freeze are Black Mask, Killer Croc, Man-Bat, and The Penguin. The Penguin wants to control the food production here in Gotham's new home on Telos. But he must have Space Madness because instead of working with a bunch of his usual thugs, Oswald thinks it's a good idea to use the Arkham crew as his gang. If there's one criminal in Gotham I would think was smart enough to avoid working with these guys, it's The Penguin. But what can you do? It's a new world! But then Oswald makes another mistake by having Man-Bat fly Poison Ivy out of her garden. How do you think the food is being produced out here, you idiot? Good luck getting anything to grow without Poison Ivy around. Besides, isn't Planet Brainiac supposed to be providing everybody with everything they need? It seems like a lot of work and hassle to make a bunch of useless money, Penguin.

But then Batman and Robin appear to save Poison Ivy's farm! Hooray!

Batman's flying vehicle was an ugly piece of shit back before Flashpoint!

Wow! I forgot how much better Pre-Flashpoint Batman and Robin were! This is so different! See how Damian Wayne has a big stick and he's mouthing off to his father?! You can just feel the sense of history tied to these characters after being told which version they are! How could DC Comics have thrown this magic away for The New 52!? And by "magic," I mean Batman's outside underwear.

"Or is that a batarang in your pocket?"

Mister Freeze gives up immediately because he's got my attitude if Portland were ever transported to a mystery planet and trapped beneath a dome. Who fucking cares about anything anymore after that? Time to just get drunk and read shit until I died.

Damian's really improved his one-liners while battling villains. When he sees Black Mask, Damian is all, "Why did they invite you?", which is a major burn. Good one! Then he follows that up with "Trick-or-treating?" Ha! See, because Black Mask wears a mask! Okay fine. Those were terrible lines and it proves that Damian is as enthusiastic about this bullshit existence as Mister Freeze is. Maybe Damian will regain his love of battling super villains once he realizes he's battling for his timeline's survival. Or maybe he just can't help sounding like an unimaginative clod because he's being written by Ron Marz.

Red Hood arrives to help subdue Killer Croc while Batman and Robin decide to ignore the fact that he's wearing a Red Hood not just to rub his death in Batman's face every time he sees him but to probably obscure his identity as well. So they're all, "Jason? Jason Todd?" And he's all, "Yup! That's me! The Red Hood!" Meanwhile Mr. Freeze is scribbling furiously into his notebook from behind a bush.

Red Hood leaves as quickly as he dropped by, letting Batman know that he and some woman named Scarlet who flies a helicopter will still be around.

Back at the Batcave, Damian loses his shit because he's a little asshole and he's also not being written by Peter J. Tomasi.

To be fair to Damian, Bruce did shake Jason Todd's hand which is more intimacy and fatherly love than he's ever shown to Damian. Usually when Bruce gets emotional towards Damian, he lets it out by telling Alfred how he could hug Damian right about now.

Alfred drops by and I'd forgotten how tiny he was Pre-Flashpoint!

"Master Bruce, can I touch up your mascara and rouge?"

Fuck me. Batman didn't do anything wrong! Jason Todd kicked Killer Croc off of Batman's shoulder and incapacitated the beast. Then he shook Batman's hand and said he'd be around. And Batman was all, "Hey, Damian, you little shit. Stop worrying about that asshole and ask me if my shoulder wound is okay, you fucking prick!" Oh wait. Yeah, that was probably a bit harsh.

Batman heads into the study to speak with a picture of his father, Thomas Wayne. That's probably why Bruce is such a horrible father. He's taking fatherly advice from an inanimate object. He's all, "I don't know how to be a dad because you were never there for me! I mean, you were totally there for me for a few years so much so that I could never cope with your death when you were killed. But after that, where were you?! Now because of that, I don't know how to raise Damian! Boo hoo!" It's not like Bruce didn't have years to learn how to be a father with Dick and Jason and Tim! That wasn't practice enough? I think the real problem is that Bruce just doesn't like Damian enough to try being a good father to him.

Where the fuck is Captain Carrot already?! I'm starting to think he might not ever appear in this book. Shouldn't the other worlds be intruding on this one? Where are the Extremists? Where's Thomas Wayne to hug Bruce and say, "You will be the best father ever!" And then Bruce will be all, "Thanks dad! That's all I ever wanted to hear!" Meanwhile within hearing range, Alfred starts pulling out his hair and punching holes in all of the Bruce portraits around the house.

"While you were busy speaking to ghosts, your son was busy trying to get your attention. Now he's probably dead in a ditch. Good job, sir."

I hope Damian has run off to join the Amazing Zoo Crew. Or the Extremists! Maybe he'll run into his grandfather who will introduce him to Miraclo or Venom!

Batman chases after Damian and finds him attacking Red Hood. Scarlet stands nearby while Jason Todd yells at her, "Stay out of this, Scarlet! And don't say any lines! And don't be interesting at all!"

Batman arrives to break up the fight and Damian continues to act like an uninteresting little shit and asks which one of them Batman came to save. What an insecure little fuck. Pre-Flashpoint Damian is the worst! Although it could be that Ron Marz's writing is the worst! I really can't figure out which is at fault. According to Tumblr, Preboot characters were all so much better than their Reboot counterparts, right? So it must be Ron Marz's writing that's to blame.

Batman doesn't have a chance to answer that he was obviously going to save Jason Todd because Damian would probably murder him if he gets the chance. He's interrupted by Planet Brainiac saying, "Welcome to Multiversal Thunderdome, bitches!" That's the abridged version which you'll be seeing me type a lot in the next month.

That's when The Extremists (minus Lord Havok. I am disappoint) arrive! More importantly, Scarlet gets to say something super boring!

Convergence: Batman and Robin #1 Rating: Awful. What a piece of shit. I now know that I'll have at least one regret on my deathbed. This issue was just a shitty version of The New 52 Batman and Robin except with some different costumes and a woman named Scarlet. Damian and Bruce are having trouble getting along. Damian is jealous and angry at Jason Todd. Jason Todd is all, "What the fuck, kid?" Alfred is keeping a better eye on Damian than Bruce is. The portrait of Thomas Wayne is all, "...". The Extremists appear and are all, "We're probably not all robots!" Okay, that part wasn't just a crappier version of Tomasi's comic book for The New 52. But even when that happened, I was less than impressed by the Extremists' roster.

Batman and Robin Annual #3

Since the final issue didn't end in hugs, the series needed one final annual. Which will end in hugs, by God, or I'm going to curl up on the bathroom floor and weep! I will also do that if this ends in hugs!

In the final issue of Batman and Robin, Batman said that he was proud of the kid Damian had become. The problem is he said it to Alfred and not Damian. Come on, Batman! The kid is desperately searching for your approval! And even though Batman isn't known for giving out warm fuzzies, the kid kind of deserves some, don't you think? I suppose the best Batman is capable of is a some mildly tepid fuzzies.

Damian is hanging out in the backyard of Wayne Manor with Titus. He's keeping a close eye on the Justice League Satellite Brought To You By LexCorps through his spoiled rich kid telescope. Lucky little fucker has a computerized one that you can set to automatically move along with whatever you're looking at. My shitty telescope had the dials on the ends of flexible rods that you had to constantly keep adjusting if you wanted to keep Jupiter in sight for any length of time. And my stand was crap so even just turning the dials sometimes shifted things so you'd have to relocate the planet all over again. It was actually fucking cool and probably a more expensive telescope than my mom could really afford at the time. Still, I would love to have one of those fuckers Damian is using. Although, I think Bruce is a cheap bastard because can't he afford to build Damian a fucking observatory right in the backyard?

Damian decides voyeurism isn't as much fun as actually being a part of the thing observed, so he spends a few hours fixing up an old Justice League teleportation system and heads into space to visit dad.

Fucking Titus. How come Alfred Pennyworth the Cat and Batcow never get to go on away missions?

Batman and Robin wind up on the moon trying to solve The Mystery of the Uninvited Moon Guest. Batman gives Damian a brief history of moon landings which is totally ancient history because shit like this is never going to happen again. At least not by Americans. The moon landings happened in a time when people accepted the possibility of the loss of human life if the end results were spectacular enough to justify the risks involved. But now we live in a society so full of people ready to condemn, blame, and tear down that no results, no matter how grandiose, seem worth the risks. Now it seems like everybody is just waiting for the next person to fail so they can heap on abuse and feel gloriously self-righteous in not having been the person to fuck up. It's not all bad, of course. We need criticism and we need cynicism and we need to hold the powerful accountable. But some people think those tools should be used with equal fervor in every situation, from condemning Monsanto to calling out a person on Twitter who may once have made a comment that was easily, and purposefully, misunderstood just so the person calling the other person out could write a clickbait article and garner a brief moment of viral internet fame.

One of the major problems with how we connect as humans is that the few moments where we all seem to be focused on the same event and where we have a chance to bond through shared sentiment and empathy have all been disasters. Was the moon landing the last time Americans shared in an uplifting moment which sparked the imagination of a generation and seemed to erase any limits on what was possible? Maybe that time Richard Hatch won the first Survivor?

Anyway, Batman and Robin investigate the mysterious creatures living inside one of the Lunar Modules abandoned on the moon.

Gross. Their asses are on the tops of their heads. I bet the whole inside of the lunar module smells like brain farts.

The alien gibberish truly is just gibberish. That's to represent that even Batman can't make heads nor tails of what they're saying.

The aliens notice Batman and Robin clinging to the outside of their home so the hit the thrusters and the module flies off above the surface of the moon. Batman and Robin bail, hop in their lunar rover, and give chase!

Watch out for craters, Batman! And those huge rocks! Bounce!

Batman points out how the aliens look just like the astronauts did at the time of the moon landing. Except for the asses on the tops of their heads. That might be different. Damian's theory is that they're using the astronauts DNA to change into humans. Did the astronauts have jizz catchers for masturbation while on the moon?

The Dynamic Duo track the aliens to a distant crater where they find a gigantic alien spaceship. This is where Batman is supposed to get on his communicator and call in Planetary.

Instead of going in swinging his sword and trying to murder everybody the way the current Wonder Woman would, Batman tells Damian that they should investigate quietly to find out what's going on. It could all be just a bunch of harmless alien good times. And a proper detective detects before he wastes resources because resources cost money and most detectives never get paid because the dame is always double crossing them.

Batman manages to operate the alien technology that they've cobbled together since it's made from old Earth technology. He discovers that the aliens are indeed looking to make Earth their new home. That means Damian and Bruce get to bust alien bones. I'm unclear if Batman is okay with killing aliens. If they're sentient, he usually avoids death at all costs. But sometimes, depending on how many pages are left in the story or how neatly and quickly the plot has to be wrapped up, Batman doesn't give a shit about sentience.

During the fight scene, I realize that the aliens aren't speaking gibberish at all. They're just not using Old Portugese [sic] correctly! They're ignoring the actual sound the letters in the language are supposed to make and simply using their visual similarity to our alphabet. And the letters in the words are scrambled.

From left to right: "I have you now!" "Ha I got him!" "Ha I got him!" "Nonono, we can't let them escape!"

In the next panel as Batman kicks the shit out of them, they say things like "Aaaaa, my face! Ugh!" and "Oof!" and "No they are ruining our plan!" The earlier, much longer alien speech bubbles don't seem to have been as uniform as these. Or I'm just stumped trying to translate them. They seem to mention a shadow (when seeing Batman's shadow) and an intruder and one of them says, "Let me." I think the system was still experimental in the first scene where the alien speech was introduced!

The aliens begin to launch the space craft as Batman and Robin try to climb into the cockpit to stop it. Once they secure the cockpit, Batman shoves Damian through the door to the outside of the craft. If the mission is going to be a suicide mission, Batman wants all the glory himself. At least Damian gets to drive the Lunar Rover as he heads back to the shuttle. Which he'll get to fly all by himself when he goes to rescue his father. What a great day this has turned out to be!

Meanwhile, Alfred Pennyworth is stuffing his face full of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

"You are worms! Screw you and your family!"

Batman changes the coordinates on the ship so that it will crash into a volcano. He then ejects at crazy speeds inside the Earth's atmosphere and Damian catches him inside an open cargo bay door of the shuttle. But Batman is okay because some crates cushion his landing. Plus he opened his cape up which totally slowed down his momentum. Behind him, the ship crashes into a sea of lava and sinks. I guess that answers the question whether or not Batman kills aliens. Dick.

Batman thanks Damian for saving his life and Damian is all, "I can't wait to see the stupid look on Alfred's face when I tell him what we did while he stuffed his face full of ice cream!" And then Batman puts a hand on Damian's shoulder which, I suppose for Batman, is as close to a hug as he can manage. What was that I said earlier? Oh yeah! Dick.

Pearls? Jesus Christ, Batman. You sure know how to ruin a mood. "I see the universe as just one big murder scene, Boy!"

Batman and Robin Annual #3 Rating: Batman is a murderer of alien beings and he's shitty at monitor duty. Is he really supposed to leave his post to go on adventures with his son? I hope he gets fired.

Batman and Robin #40

Please let something take over Aquaman's mind so that Damian can kick his ass!

Does everybody have their tear bibs on?! I feel an emotionally powerful father-son moment in the next twenty pages of comic book goodness! If I were a good writer, I would write about the time when I was thirteen years old and my father took me on a trip up to his sister's house up in the mountains outside of Truckee for a week. I'd talk about how he tried a number of times, out under the stars, to have a heart to heart talk with me about...well, who the fuck can remember? I just felt awkward and weird and didn't really have much to say. Years later, I look back on that trip and think that, quite possibly, he was trying to say goodbye to me. He had been an alcoholic for many years and his life was really falling apart. Either he felt he wasn't going to live much longer or, possibly, he had been contemplating suicide. Then again, having never asked him about the trip, it's possible he was just up there to score as much weed as possible from Cousin Bill (his nephew). At one point while at Bill's place, Cousin Troy (Bill's brother) stole one of Bill's Penthouse magazines while my dad and Bill were in a back room smoking pot. Before leaving Truckee, I stole the Penthouse from Troy and perused it for many years afterward. Porn was hard to come by back then and this was a major find! Although, come to find out later, it was child pornography. That was the Penthouse magazine that featured Traci Lords when she was sixteen. Luckily I was younger than she was so I don't think it was as illegal to own as all the other perverts who owned it! I threw it out (along with all of my other random porn magazines) when I went to college at seventeen. Because college! Who needs porn in college?! Only nerds and losers, that's who!

And, as it turns out, I did. Stupid college.

Um, anyway, the Justice League have found their way to Ghost Island which is under attack by one of the enemies of the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.

Oh Superman! That only works for Billy!

While Robin battles the reject from an episode of Ultraman, he learns that he has heat vision like Superman! Well, not like Superman since Superman's heat vision comes from the solar energy stored in the vitreous humors in his eyeballs. Robin's heat vision must be the first inkling of an Omega Beam since his powers are from Apokolips. Robin slices off one of the monster's fists and then begins using the fist to punch the monster in the face because Damian is ten years old. There's nothing funnier to a ten year old than making somebody hit themselves with their own fist! Although the creature must regrow its hand or take it away from Damain and reattach it since a few panels later when it vomits pink puke on everyone, it's got both hands.

While the adults are gagging on monster vomit, Billy and Damian finish the monstrous robot off by shoving a radio tower through its head and calling down magic lightning to fry it.

Tomorrow's headlines: Captain Marvel: Childlike Man or Man to Keep Away From Your Child?

You know, I can still recall, clear as day in my mind's eye, some of the photos of Traci Lords from that Penthouse. Is that illegal?!

It turns out Batman set up this whole Monster Island fight to try to drain Robin of his powers. It was just a video game simulation with Cyborg controlling the robot. Is this the first time we really get to see Victor's love of video games? I guess Robin doesn't have super-hearing because he didn't hear Batman discuss the plan with the others while Robin waited in the back seat of the Batplane.

Back at Wayne Manor, Damian scarfs down a ton of food and passes out giving Alfred and Bruce some time alone to figure out what the fuck they are going to do with this kid.

I was just going to scan the bottom half of the page but then I wouldn't have a record of the finished family portrait which they all posed for so many issues ago.

The next morning, Damian wakes up and immediately gets a paper cut. Just like when Superman was human for the day! I guess paper cuts are shorthand for "this motherfucker ain't got no more motherfuckin' powers, bitches!" The second thing he does is fall out of the second story window trying to fly. Just like Superman 3000 from Justice League 3000! I guess falling out of a window because you thought you could fly is shorthand for "stupid dumb idiot moron!"

Bruce and Damian have one of those stupid father-son heart to heart talks that I've never experienced because I wasn't really paying attention when my father tried to have one with me that time I mentioned earlier. My dad was all, "Life...you know?" And then he lit a cigarette and I fidgeted uncomfortably while gazing at the stars through the tall trees. Then he was all, "Do you have any questions about it or anything?" And I kicked some pine cones and dry thistles and muttered, "No," while thinking, "I wonder what they're watching on television inside?" And then my dad probably asked me if I knew he loved me and I probably turned red and said, "Yeah." And then we sat in silence while he finished his cigarette before we headed back inside. Those heart to heart talks are stupid.

Bruce asks Damian if it's so bad that he's just Damian now and Damian says, "I guess not." Of course Damian guesses not! Damian already thinks Damian is the greatest super hero that ever lived, powers or no powers!

But then the Bat Signal interrupts and it's time for the Dynamic Duo to hit the streets yet again! Nobody hugs anybody but Batman does kind of freak Robin out by smiling like a lunatic while swinging around the city. And that's it!

Batman and Robin #40 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's interesting that this comic book ends right when the dynamic between this duo is finally at the most Batman and Robinesque of the entire series. This final page:

shows them finally comfortable and content with each other (and kind of Batman '66ish, no?). Batman is happy to have his son back with him, alive and normal. Damian is just as excited as he was on all of the early covers of this series where he's grinning ear to ear because he gets to go out and fight crime side by side with his dad. Throughout the beginning of the series, Batman was afraid he was going to lose Robin to Robin's al Ghul side. He was afraid to trust his son. Then he lost Damian when Damian proved himself to be as heroic as Batman had hoped he would be: learning that his son had the heart of a hero, learning that he could be allowed to trust his son, to have faith in his son's decisions, came at the expense of his son's life. Batman was nearly inconsolable having gained the son he knew Damian could be too late. And then once he brought Damian back to life, he had to contend with Damian's super powers. But they were actually a gift. They were a kind of litmus test to see if the lessons Damian learned while not having super powers stuck. And so Batman tested him on Ghost Island to find that his son could follow orders, and could maintain control of even Superman level powers, and could work well as a team with even somebody as annoying as Shazam (okay, that was a cheap shot. I would actually like to see a lot more of Billy and Damian hanging out together). And with Damian's powers now gone, Batman can finally feel happy and relaxed, having faith that his son will make him proud no matter what. In the end, Batman learned his son was actually a pretty good fucking kid. And, holy shit, that's kind of what my dad said to me that time in Truckee! That he was happy that I'd turned into a really neat and interesting person and that I was a pretty good kid.

Pshaw! As if he knew any better! I was about to steal Troy's Penthouse!

Batman and Robin #39

Damian's quinceañero goes horribly wrong.

I either need to invest in a notebook or a scribe because, while I was out in the scary world (aka the real world), I forgot the subjects I was going to muse about on this blog. That might be for the best since most readers of this blog think of it as a blog about comic books no matter how many times I point out that it's a blog about the most gifted person ever born to the modern era: Nikola Tesla. It's also a blog about me. I really should start making it more obviously about Nikola though.

Previously in Batman and Robin, Damian had begun to believe that gaining super powers was somehow a shortcut to adulthood. I can see how somebody powerful enough to shove their parents through a wall could make that mistake. But Damian's parents are Batman and Alfred, so even if Damian is powerful enough to turn them into billion dollar paste, it doesn't mean he's going to be capable of it. So that fucking brat had better shape up quick! Especially since there are only two issues left (counting this one!) before Batman can finally give Damian a hug.

This issue begins with Damian using his super speed to round up a few of Gotham's elite criminals. Well, one elite criminal and several nobodies. If you're keeping score, The Penguin is the elite criminal. Killer Croc, Bathead, Smush, Bootface, and Scallop are the nobodies. Okay fine! Killer Croc is a b-list somebody! But you have to admit that he isn't an "elite criminal." At the most, he's hired muscle and a fucking cannibal.

Damian gathers them all up in a room to show them his new super powers.

Tell their friends free trips into space?! Hoo boy!

Damian loses his grip on the rope and almost cleans up Gotham a little bit. But Batman flies by in the Batwing, catches the rope, and lectures Damian.

You might also believe he flipped him off, depending on how good my photoshop skills are.

The next day, Damian and Bruce go fishing the way neither of them love to do. While fishing, Bruce tells Damian how he was able to resurrect him. Turns out the chaos sliver that Bruce used to bring Damian back from the dead also implanted the knowledge within Bruce about how to accomplish the feat. In other words, comic books.

Damian cuts Alfred's suggested father/son time down by flying Bruce and the boat back to Wayne Manor. Now that they've half-heartedly respected Alfred's wishes that they bond in a normal activity, Bruce goes back to running tests on Damian and almost getting sued by Marvel.

Ten years old? I'm forty-three and still feel invincible! Except for my eyesight failing, my lower back constantly hurting, hemorrhoids, enlarged prostate, decreased lung function, hatred of new music, increasing concern over the lawn, fear of youth, decreased sexual appetite except where teenaged girls are concerned and then I'm a leering, drooling pervert, abundance of ear hair, loss of head hair, occasional renal failure, tendency to vote Republican, and the ever increasing strong belief that every random opinion to pop into my head is the wisest and most profound thing ever thought by anybody ever. Besides those things, I still feel sixteen! Also, I might not actually suffer from all of those things. Although I'm getting rather fidgety right now thinking that there might be kids on my lawn!

Damian continues to rely on his new powers instead of his Bat-Training while battling Gotham bad guys and it's giving Batman an ulcer. Unless ulcers aren't caused that way anymore but are caused by viruses instead. What am I? A doctor?! Or even curious about ulcers? Gross! You can Wikipedia that garbage if you're interested.

Batman tries to talk some adult logic into Damian's little kid brain and just like all the little kids reading this right now thinking, "Pshaw! Whatever, old person!", he doesn't believe that age and experience might know something that he's yet to learn. Also, what are you doing reading this, little kid? Does your mom want you to read words like cunt and cocksucker? I didn't think so. Now go back to playing Penguin Club that's probably full of old pervert penguins trying to lure young penguins into seductive, censored sex dens. Or *** dens.

Batman gets called by the Justice League to solve one of their problems, so he leaves Damian alone with the Batmobile. Is this one of those moments where you show your child that you trust them and that motivates them to do the right thing? Or is Batman a naive dickslap?

Apparently Batman just did the pretend to leave but wait around a little bit to see how badly Damian goofs off instead thing.

There are loads and loads of types of people but the two I'm interested in talking about right now are these: one type of soulless, joyless motherfuckers that read the preceding panel and think, "How the fuck is the Batsignal still working?"; and the other that thinks, "Did Tess use that semicolon correctly?" No wait! The other whimsical, gleeful types think, "Ha ha ha!" Or something. I'm one of a third type that really enjoys Tomasi so even though I think about the Batsignal and how it shouldn't still be lit (Damian's super powers, probably!), I still thoroughly enjoy this scene. But if it were Red Hood or Arsenal in this scene being written by Scott Lobdell, I'd tear his fucking head off with my words!

I embrace my hypocrisy and bias and sometimes I even bring it to orgasm.

Damian acting like a complete psychopath earns him a trip to the Justice League Satellite Headquarters Sponsored by LexCorps, so it totally worked. In your face, Batman! You fell for the oldest trick in the book!

I thought Damian was trying to trick him into transforming. Apparently, Shazam can say "Shazam" without changing. I bet he only changes if he says it with an exclamation point at the end!

While Shazam tries to get Robin to play with him, Superman informs Batman that Godzilla is attacking Japan. I bet battling that monster would be more fun than playing Mario Kart with Billy Batson! Although Damian should pal around with Shazam because Shazam is proof that the Justice League allows minors on the team! They must not care about minors getting injured if they allow Billy to fight with them. And if they refuse to let Robin join, then it shows that the only thing the Justice League really cares about is the way people view them. As long as people think the thirteen year old is a full grown man, nobody is going to hassle them about it.

Robin knows a little bit about the island where the monster is from and it's called Ghost Island. Isn't that the island where Planetary found all the giant monster corpses?

Whoa! What kind of parental gambit is this, Batman?! I bet he just doesn't trust Damian to remain on the satellite all by himself.

Batman and Robin #39 Rating: +1 Ranking. I bet Batman learned about some kind of radiation on Monster Ghost Island that negates Chaos Shard superpowers! That guy's always got some kind of plan. Removing Damian's superpowers falls in the parental category of "for his own good." He's gotten careless now that he's begun relying on his powers. Taking his powers away will save this kid's life before his powers fail for a microsecond just as a bullet rips its way through his throat. And then what? I'll have to read another nine months of Batman dealing with his grieving process all over again! And in the middle of that, he'll probably have a five issue story arc dealing with Erin McKilleverbuddy. And who wants to sit through that again, no matter how good they were the first time? Oh, um, and here's my review of this comic book: it gets to be better than Grayson at least until Grayson comes out because this comic book is entertaining. Then pretend I wrote a few trite lines about how the art works with the story and some bullshit.

Batman and Robin #38

This is Preboot Wally West, right?

This morning while lying in bed, I was busy thinking profound thoughts about comic books and breakfast and I wondered, "Why aren't there more powerful red-headed women in Gotham City?" Shouldn't every female red-head be leveraging the fear and suspicion, engendered by her red hair, that she might be Batgirl or Batwoman? I'd constantly drop hints about needing a "bat-promotion" or maybe getting a "bat-deal" on my "bat-mortgage." Every time the Bat-signal would light up the sky and I was out with a group of people, or at a work function, I'd make a lame excuse to leave. "Oh, um, yeah, I got to go. I forgot my cat puked this morning and I need to go clean it up! Be back in a Bat-jiffy, guys!" Then I'd return with a bunch of bat shaped frosted sugar cookies and be all, "Oh, hey, anybody want to help me finish these off? A, um, friend left them for me at my place!"

I'd probably also use the possibility that I'm Batgirl or Batwoman to fuck as many hot men and/or women as possible!

Okay! Damian is back! And he doesn't have to worry about dying because that jerko Grant Morrison got it out of his system and DC probably won't let him pull that shit again. Unless Grant Morrison makes one of The New 52 Earths full of Robins just so he can kill one every single day. And how would Grant Morrison kill Damian now anyway? Damian has super powers! Which probably means he has a super weakness too! I bet we find out what that is by the end of this issue!

More like the Dynamic Duodenum, amirite?! Has The Joker ever used that one?

Robin seems to forget that he's just ten years old and he doesn't know as much as he thinks he knows, no matter how much time he spends on Tumblr. Tumblr should be renamed "Confirmation Biasblr!"

I just turned to the Title Page where Robin jumps in front of all of the bullets which bounce off of him but destroy his uniform which is probably going to really piss off Alfred and I realized something I'd known but haven't really acknowledged: this comic book has kept the same writer, penciller, and inker on it for nearly three and a half years now. It's so refreshing to have that kind of consistency on a title these days. Sure, Batman has been a Snyder/Capullo jelly for the same period but that's kind of expected from DC's flagship title. Does Batman and Robin get the same kind of love? Because it's been a terrifically consistent book of superb quality since The New 52 launch. I just love it and I'm excited to see how Bruce and Damian's relationship evolves now that all the Talia and Nobody stuff is long in the past. Now it's time for Damian to just have fun while Bruce eats himself up with worry over his newly super powered boy!

Maybe it's time to reconsider taking Venom, Bats. You know, just to keep up!

Should Damian be offended that the guns keep calling him a brat?

Seriously though. Why is this advert still in every fucking issue of The New 52?

Batman really begins to shit himself as Robin starts acting rebellious and petulant. After forgetting all of his training and deciding it's a smart idea to let the bullets hit him, he nearly kills the thug by bashing him into fifteen different cars (not that Batman's never done that!). Then he decides to fly home rather than driving home with his uncool dad. But Batman grabs him by the shoelaces to keep him from flying off. I knew when I looked at the first page that Damian's super loose shoelaces were going to get him into trouble!

Later that night, Damian is haunted by nightmares of his mother and grandfather and baby brothers. It causes him to sleep walk which is trouble when you can fly and have super strength.

Is Alfred reading Bruce's Bat-Diary?

Robin flies off and while Batman's first reaction is to chase him down and rein him in, Alfred continues to play the compassionate father full of sagely advice. I suppose after raising The Batman, he knows a thing or two about what a difficult child needs.

I can't wait until Helena Wayne can extricate herself out of all that Earth-2 crap going on and returns to Earth-Main-Earth to hang out with her Not-Brother some more.

Damian flies back to the lab where he was born and trashes it. Then he decides to pay Aquaman a visit because I guess he was having too much excitement?

Oh shit. And by "my custody," what he really means is "Alfred's custody." Poor Pennyworth!

The Batcave is going to get awfully crowded! I suppose this story is taking place after the events of Batman Eternal whenever Arkham Asylum gets rebuilt. Is Batman going to have to build a dormitory down in the caves?

Damian leaves his brothers on an island and then flies home. I hope he just gave them The Outlaws' island home! Fuck that Jason Todd!

Batman and Robin #38 Rating: No change. It still surprises me every month that a comic book called "Batman and Robin" is one of my favorites. Teenage me would have scoffed and said, "Seriously, dude?" And then he would have put his headphones back on and hit play on the Walkman strapped to his hip and disappear back into the sweet, melodic sounds of Slayer's "Angel of Death."

Batman and Robin #37

Batman and Robin donate cans of Split Pea Soup to Gotham's Campaign to Feed the Hungry and Insane.

Last issue (pronounced 'iss-yew' because I've become a pretentious snob since embarking on my campaign to become the next Poet Laureate of Portland, Oregon), Darkseid had finally come to see what all the hullabaloo was on his planet. It was, of course, Batman trying to get his dead son's corpse back. Except Damian might not be as dead as you'd expect. But he isn't quite as alive as you'd expect either. It was more like he was a survivor in a plane crash and was currently dealing with Polar Bears, Smoke Monsters, and a severe heroin addiction.

Anyway (do I say 'anyway' too much? That and 'meanwhile' are probably my top words for this blog, right after 'fuck'), now Darkseid is about to get his ass kicked by Hellbatman and the Batkids (guest staring Cyborg and Titus). Or, more likely, Darkseid will just be taunted by Batman until he uses his Omega Effect to accidentally bring Damian back to life. Unless he does it on purpose! I bet if he does it on purpose, it will come with some kind of Stephen King curse in a Maine accent: "You reap what you sow, Batman. Ayuh. You reap what you sow."

This issue is called "Black Hole Son" because Damian is only ten years old, otherwise it might have been called "Man in the Box."

The only other person I can see standing up to Darkseid like this is Preboot Amanda Waller. Fuck. Now I want to see that. Can that happen in this convergence thing?! Darkseid versus Preboot Amanda Waller? Hey DC? Can I write that?! I'd also like to see Cheeks versus Brother Geek. Since Brother Geek appeared briefly in Green Team, that can be a possibility!

Batman punches Darkseid in the face and now I'm wondering when this takes place. Maybe Darkseid is behind the chaos in Batman Eternal! And Damian has just been off in dance class during every issue which is why we haven't seen him yet.

Darkseid returns the favor with some kind of one legged piledriver? It's hard to name wrestling moves that can't be done normally because most wrestlers aren't three times as big as their opponents (at least not since Andre the Giant died).

I think this is some kind of Superfly Smash or something?

I think to defeat Darkseid, Batman is going to have to get him in a Figure Four while Cyborg puts a Sleeper Hold on him and Batgirl gets him in a Camel Clutch. I think that's about all the wrestling moves I remember.

Batman throws a weak upper punch as Batgirl tries to fix Cyborg's BOOM Tube circuitry. Too bad it's located in his pelvis so she's completely distracted by his penis. And it's not helping that every time Cyborg sees her eyes glance toward it, a little more blood flows into it and it flinches and grows. I bet Batgirl grabs it in both hands and screams, "One chance left to jump start the BOOM Tube!" as she closes her eyes and...well, you know.

I think this was Andre the Giant's signature move!

The BOOM Tube opens as Batgirl wipes her mouth and Darkseid finally blasts Batman with his Omega Beams. Surprise! That's just what Batman wanted! He catches the Omega Beams in the Chaos Shard and powers up his suit with the limitless energy of Darkseid's eyeball's ejaculate.

That settles it. Nobody can beat Batman.

Everybody makes it through the BOOM Tube and Alfred begins serving sandwiches to celebrate. Except first Batman has to shed his Hellbat Suit and plunge the Chaos Crystal into Damian's heart as he bellows something about the Omega Sanction equaling life. Also, this somehow cures his Apokolyptian acne. Anyway, it works because comic books.

Why is Alfred in his 90s Comic Book Alfred Costume?

And then Batman collapses and Damian screams "Father!" and Batgirl says "OMG!" and Alfred thinks about asking for a raise and Red Robin says "Holy crap" and Red Hood says that too and Cyborg goes, "Whut?! Whut?! Can somebody tell me what's going on?!" because he's in pieces and strapped to Titus's back or something.

So that's it! Damian Wayne is back and everything can go back to normal, right? Right? What's that? There's still one more Robin Rises book left, you say?! I'm sure it's just thirty pages of Robin saying things like, "So where's Dick?" and "Don't lie to me about Dick" and "What kind of secret mission is Dick on?" and "When can I go visit Dick?"

Batman and Robin #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why is Highfather going through so much trouble over in Godhead to find a way to defeat Darkseid? Hasn't he heard about Batman?!

Batman and Robin #36

Are there people who actively sought out these horrible Lego covers? Fuck Lego!

Last issue, Damian was still dead. He probably doesn't get to come back to life until DC Comics can ask $7.99 for Robin Rises #2. This issue, Batman, Cyborg, Batgirl, Red Robin, Red Hood, and Titus had all made their way to Apokolips to die. Or save Damian. Whichever happens first. Which will obviously be the dying one. Because they're on Apokolips! Maybe they'll survive because this will take place at the same time that the Earth-2 Invasion Force invades! Then all the Apokoliptians will be too distracted to deal with a bunch of kids and their dumb dog.

Oh my god! I bet Glorious Godfrey gets his mask torn off and he's actually Old Man McGrew, the real estate mogul!

The issue begins with Batman knocking out Godfrey and running off to find Damian while ignoring the Apokoliptian skin infection he's contracted. Cyborg and the Bat-Kids (Saturday morning cartoon anyone?) spend a few pages in a confusing battle against multiple Apokoliptian threats. I barely understand how one panel leads to another but I do know one thing.

Batgirl looks sexy in her Robin threads and on all fours atop a pile of skulls and rib cages!

Batman might be unstoppable on Apokolips in his Hellbat outfit but the Hellbat outfit itself is draining his life force and killing him. That's because it's too ridiculously powerful and needs a drawback or else every time a comic book fan reads a Batman story where he's not in the Hellbat suit, they'd ask, "Why isn't Batman in the Hellbat suit?" I suppose if he used the Hellbat suit to stop normal gang members in Gotham City, he'd accidentally kill most of them. But then maybe he'd respect and understand Superman's position a bit more! Superman could accidentally kill every person he ever meets if it weren't for his unlimited patience and self-control.

Hee hee. That was a joke about Superman having unlimited patience and self-control! In reality, he just punches everything until it's out of commission. Of course, he should be written with unlimited patience and self-control since nothing on Earth can kill him. But he enjoys punching people in the jaw too much.

Batman destroys every thing Kalibak's army can throw at him. Which is why Kalibak sends in the Godzilla tanks!

After this day, Batman will be the Apokoliptian bogeyman invoked to scare children into finishing killing the other children.

Cyborg and the Bat-Kids follow the trail and/or swathe of destruction right to the foot of the Hellbat suit. Batgirl's ass continues to look fantastic in those Robin pants. I think I have a BOOM Tube opening up in my pants.

A lot of truly unbelievable comic book stuff has happened so far in this Robin Rises series but I think this takes the cake. Weapons of Apokolips have stun settings?!

Batman, Cyborg, and the Bat-Kids destroy the Chaos Cannon and defeat Kalibak. But everything up until this point was foreplay. You know, terrifically fun for what its worth but mostly because you know its building to a great big orgasm. And that orgasm has finally arrived! You know I mean Darkseid, right?

Batman and Robin #36 Rating: I don't have a lot to say about the story in this. It's a lot of action and it's moving the plot forward to the ultimate confrontation between Batman and Darkseid. Batman needs to confront Darkseid for some reason. Maybe Batman needs the power of Darkseid's Omega Beams to kickstart Robin's resurrection process? I don't know. Whatever. The thing this comic book has shown me is that DC Comics needs a book starring all of the Bat-Kids. Forget all these books with Batman in the title, or the Bat-Kids teaming up with other heroes and Roy Harper. I want a book with Red Hood, Red Robin, Batgirl, and Damian all working together! Dick can stop by for the occasional story and to show Jason Todd where Barbara's heart and secret heart really lie. By secret heart, I mean vagina. That's a book I want to read! Not Secret Vagina Heart! The Bat-Kids!

Okay. Maybe Secret Vagina Heart too.