Batgirl #28

I understand my flaws. So let me apologize right up front for calling Silver "Sliver" through a good portion of this commentary.

I've never put any real time into researching the common mistakes I make while typing and the reasons for them but I suspect they have to do with certain uppity fingers getting ahead of their slower partners and just not giving any fucks about typing the word correctly. When I type "mantis," it often comes out as "manits" on the first try. This seems to make sense because that "t" key is so fucking far away it might as well be on Mars. When I type "Deathstroke," there's a 50/50 chance it'll come out as "Deathstorke." This might also have to do with that Goddamned "t" key slowing shit down so much that the "o" beats the "r" to the punch. I should be okay with Sliver...well, that mistake just killed where that sentence was going! Typing is hard!

Actually, typing is one of the easiest things I've ever learned how to do. I took a typing class in seventh grade (on actual typewriters (although they were electric so I didn't have to keep banging the mechanism (whatever it's called) back to the starting position)) and then accidentally practiced my skills by playing text adventures on my Apple IIe until I was as good at typing as a sexist stereotype of a 1970s sexually harassed secretary. I had to dream about being sexually harassed though because that wouldn't happen until college. It could have happened earlier with a number of different partners but I was content in the Not Getting Any Trifecta of other interests: Warhammer, Masturbation, and Being Completely Infatuated With a Girl That Didn't Fucking Want Any of This. Perhaps all the masturbation and Warhammer was a turn off? At least I only did one of those things in front of her.

Is Batgirl (oh yeah! I also tend to type "Batgril" instead of "Batgirl" and I don't know what that's about. It could be I'm not concentrating very well because I always think "Batgorilla" before I think "Batgirl") done with all of her crossovers? We got Zero Year and Gothtopia out of the way, right? And the Wanted story arc is over as well, right? So I don't actually need to remember anything too important before reading this issue, correct?

Who the fuck am I talking to?

The issue begins with Mr. Uchida (Lord Google informs me that his name means "inner rice paddy." It must be a metaphor that I'm too thick to see right now. Maybe deeper into the story it will make sense. Or maybe I shouldn't trust that idiot Lord Google?) being bathed by Miss Targa (Lord Google informs me that her name means "shield." Now that name makes sense since she seems to be Uchida's valet and I'm pretty sure the number one job of a valet is to throw their life away to save the life of the person they bathe).

Why doesn't he just get that Bat App that updates Batfamily member locations in real time? I bet Sliver is a Luddite.

Now I'm just typing "Sliver" because I'm thinking of him as Sliver! Where's the button to recalibrate the human brain?

Batgirl is currently just doing the normal night out thing. That isn't going to a movie with her boyfriend and hoping he slides his hand down her inner thigh while she stuffs chocolate into her mouth. A normal night for Batgirl is running around from rooftop to rooftop, swinging from building to building, noticing people stalking her, hunting down college kids in Halloween Masks, and punching her friends in the face. Although when your friend is trying to catch up to you and can't yell "Hey you fucking idiot! Slow down!" because your friend is Strix and she can't talk, these kinds of things sometimes go down. Although if your friend is Strix, she can also take the punch to the face no problem. Although she still acts hurt like a Footballer hamming it up for a Red Card.

Of course she's okay! She's just trying to make you feel good about your weak-ass face punching skills, Babs. You're no Supergirl.

Strix wants Batgirl's help to find a missing 8 year old girl that can't speak. When Batgirl wonders why Strix wants her help, Strix takes out a pen and pad of paper to write down, "you = detektif." I guess Dinah finally cracked the seal on the Birds of Prey Treasury to buy Strix a pad to write on! It's only taken...well, I can't say how many issues it's taken because it took Strix's appearance in Batgirl to get her pad of paper! No more writing her messages on the walls in raccoon feces! Hey, I'm not making that up! I mean, maybe, just maybe, it wasn't actually raccoon feces. It could have been cat feces.

Batgirl's first detektif move is to call her BFF (Best Fremesis Forever) Daybreak aka Squirerise aka Knightfall aka Charise Carnes. She'd rather not call this woman that tried to have her killed multiple times but that's the hard knock life of a true detektif. You have to deal with a black and white world where you think weird shit constantly like "the dame in front of me had a long story but longer gams" and "I could tell by the sound of her voice that she was about to betray me. The cocking of the pistol was a pretty big clue too." And, like Batgirl here, you have to deal with "acquaintances" that usually would rather see you dead than help you out of a tough situation. The cops usually hate your guts too, so Batgirl is truly winning at being a hardboiled detektif.

Charise offers to help with no strings attached because a little girl's life is at stake and Knightfall truly thinks she's helping protect Gotham City. And maybe she is! I think her method is actually a little bit less violent than Batman's!

Meanwhile, Silver reveals that he's schizophrenic. He sees Batgirl and Strix as vampires feasting on the kids that they were tying up for the Gotham Police to find. I wrote a short story back in college about a schizophrenic werewolf hunter and it was basically this same idea. Although I always meant to flesh it out into a larger and more ambiguous story. Is there an actual murderer on the loose killing people with silver bullets or is he actually hunting werewolves which revert back to human form when killed? The main reason I could never get serious about writing the story was that I was too sympathetic to werewolves themselves. They aren't monsters or killers. They're just humans with a disease that makes them act horribly one or two nights a month. Just imagine if we killed everybody that acted like an asshole when they were sick! Barely anybody would make it to adulthood.

Silver might be schizophrenic but Miss Targa must simply be a complete psychopath to help this guy stake people all over Gotham. Unless Silver is the actual vampire and Miss Targa is his thrall. That's probably what's going on. He's just trying to save people from the same kind of torture that he's had to live with after becoming the living undead.

Since vampires have been mentioned, I'll throw in my usual Best Vampire Movie of All Time Plug: Let the Right One In. Holy fuck that movie is subtle in its horror! Part of its beauty over the American remake is, in fact, the subtlety in the way it lets the true horror of what's going on unravel in the mind of the viewer instead of spelling it out onscreen. I fucking hate that Hollywood has basically accepted that movies need to be aimed at the stupidest motherfuckers amongst us.

Later, Babs and Mary (Batgirl and Strix!) dress up like regular folk to go speak with Cissie Chastain the missing girl's mom.

This is Batgirl being a dick and/or trying to be funny. She did not forget. Unless I've forgotten what "eidetic memory" means!

I know, I know! It's just a figure of speech that slipped out before Batgirl thought better of it! Here's the problem with being facetious on the internet: you constantly have to explain that you actually knew better or get inundated with messages telling you how fucking stupid you are. Part of the issue is that most people don't think a person would actually put something out there that makes them sound like an idiot just because they think it is funny. You can imagine how often I get corrected by people! I once said that I was the biggest Alice in Wonderland fan of all time and that I even loved the second book, whatever it's name was. And someone came along and told me the name of the second book. Now, I wasn't trolling anyone! I didn't even expect anybody to take that seriously! I just thought it was a simple joke. But that's what happens when you put something out over the internet. You're going to get every reaction possible to what you've written. I've seen some people write really, really, really long-winded explanations because they try to counter all the ways people might possibly misread what they're saying. But it's just useless! Because you can't foresee the reaction of everyone! So I just say the foolish shit I say and let the dice come up snake eyes for whoever wants the dice to come up snake eyes. Hell, I've even responded to people facetiously thinking they'd understand that I'm not offended, even writing it in so hyperbolic a way that there's no way they can think I'm serious, and, of course, they still think I'm pissed off.

Here's a secret: if you can't tell if I'm joking or not, I'm probably joking. Not serious. Rarely serious here. Sometimes serious. But not often. Hardly ever angry (except at robots. Fuck robots). Total whimsical bitch. Can't take anything seriously. Possibly a medical condition. Don't mind me!

Batgirl's case ties in with Silver's obsession! That's fortuitous! Wait, let me check my dictionary. Yeah! Fortuitous!

The next few pages are the Batgirl versus Sliver pages. You know what? I'm just going to embrace it. His name is Sliver from now on. The next few pages are also the Strix versus Miss Targa pages! I don't want to shortchange Strix when she's been so gracious with her time and agreeing to guest star in this comic book. Besides, I think that's the more interesting fight. It's always the antagonist's right hand man that's the most interesting person anyway. Like Renfield! Or Muttley! Or Judas! Or Dr. Claw's cat!

Or maybe he just has a severe case of Vampire Testicular Rigor Mortis.

The Gotham City Police arrive and break up the fight. But Sliver lets Babs know that it doesn't matter because he has the Vampire Queen and she's rigged to blow at sunrise. Batgirl, being a much better detektif than I am, intuits that the Vampire Queen Sliver is speaking of is in fact Cissie Chastain. I don't know why Sliver thinks she's the Vampire Queen but if he's really schizophrenic, the reason will probably only make sense if I were on LSD. Although Cissie was kidnapped from a hospital so maybe she was getting a blood transfusion which tripped Sliver's skewed perception of reality (or maybe the objective perception of reality? How do I know? Who am I to judge which reality is least subjective?) and he believed he saw her feeding or giving her blood to infect others. Hell, maybe it's just as simple as Miss Targa having been in love with Cissie's dad but he rejected her because he was married. So Miss Targa found a crazy person to do her dirty work for her, telling him Cissie's dad was a vampire that needed to be killed and that Cissie was the Queen.

Batgirl #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. I hope next issue continues this story and not Batgirl: Forever Evil or Batgirl Meets Scooby Doo. I wish Gail Simone had chosen Condor as the guest star so she could have him killed. Man, I hate that guy. I really hate him! I'm not being whimsical or facetious here! If I met Condor on the street, I would shank his bitch ass without a thought! Seriously!