Earth 2 #20

Namor backwards is Roman. Aquawoman backwards is sexy.

Over on Earth 2, they've been having some problems. They're not real problems like I have. Like how my cat never finishes pooping and sprints away from the litter box flinging turds all over the house. Or how at the pet store I cleaned today, there were two of the cutest puppies I've ever seen in the back room and I couldn't pay attention to both of them at the same time. Also there were no kittens to be seen and that's a fucking problem, man. Even though I don't approve of pet stores selling dogs and cats! Everybody knows you're supposed to be against that so, of course, I am! I think I probably have some other problems too that are worse than horrible creatures from Apokolips destroying your world. But they have to do with middle age and feeling like my life has amounted to little but some sassy backtalk and how I don't have the emotional capacity to truly connect with anyone. I mean, those problems pale in comparison to trying to pet one widdle puppy on the nose and seeing the other puppy feeling hurt and abandoned and quickly having to pet him on the nose while the other one falls over in a fit of loneliness and despair. I'd like to see Replacement Batman solve that problem.

Speaking of Replacement Batman, if you haven't read Earth 2 Annual #2 yet (or the solicits for the upcoming Replacement Batman Action Figure), then you don't know he's actually Thomas Wayne, Bruce's dad. Now you know that if you didn't know that before and it's not a spoiler because that comic book came out two or three weeks ago. And it was already spoiled by then because everybody reads solicits! To be current, I really should be writing my commentaries on each issue five months before it actually comes out. But I can't do it because I'm really awful at time travel! So far, I've only mastered forward time travel and I can only do that in real time. But occasionally I'll go into a trance and suddenly find myself eight hours into the future! So I'm getting better at it!

Hawkwoman also returned to this comic book after having a little adventure of her own that was never resolved. I don't think I need to bother remembering what it was because if Tom Taylor ever revisits it, he'll probably have Hawkwoman explain it again.

Right now, Hawkwoman, Replacement Batman, Aquawoman, and Kym are headed back to the Batcave in Gotham City. I hope it's not overrun by dinosaurs! I also hope they find Big Barda and Scott Free.

Where was she keeping that shell? I don't see a fanny pack. Now I wish Aquaman's outfit contained a fanny pack! Or a bum bag if you're English and fanny pack is too vulgar for you.

Back at the Batcave, Replacement Batman finds The Accountant Jimmy Olsen, Red Tornado Lois Lane, Val-el the Kryptonian, Red Arrow Connor Hawke, and babbling incoherently Doctor Khalid Fate. This is Replacement Batman's army that must defeat Flip the Fuck Out Superman. I guess Green Lantern Alan Scott will eventually join up. As will, once they escape Bedlam and Beguile's clutches, Mister Terrific Michael Holt and The Flash Jay Garrick. Those are a lot of names to remember! And I did it all by myself! Fuck you, Lord Google! I must have been eating fish oil recently! Does Filet 'o Fish Oil count?

Ugh. I can't remember the last time I've had a Filet 'o Fish sandwich from McDonalds. It was probably well before I turned twelve. I used to love those things! And fish sticks. Do adults eat fish sticks? That seems like the kind of food only kids eat. Or, I suppose, parents that have young kids. I'm sure they have one or two when they've cooked them.

Meanwhile, Replacement Batman shows he doesn't know the definition of the word "sensitive."

On a practical level, an agoraphobic Kryptonian is obviously useless. But the main problem is that he can't ever power up with sunlight! I bet he's even afraid of skylights. Not that there are any left unsmashed in Gotham. Fucking Batman.

Meanwhile Flip the Fuck Out Superman is wasting time having his army destroy churches and cathedrals and mosques and temples and synagogues. He even has them destroy Scientology buildings! He might as well make sure they burn down McDonalds and movie theaters while they're at it. This is like the replicants in Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? exposing Wilbur Mercer as a fraud and believing that everybody will suddenly realize they've been had and no longer believe in empathy and Mercerism. Does Flip the Fuck Out Superman believe destroying places of worship will end worship? I get that he's big into symbolism but this is really just wasting time. A few people will probably be so offended that they'll let their neighbor's know, but that's about it.

I suppose if you're as stupid as Flip the Fuck Out Superman is, you'd believe that now the Earthlings will shrug and wonder, "Who do we worship now?!" And Flip the Fuck Out Superman will say, "Have you heard the good word? Darkseid lives!"

And back in the Batcave, Lois convinces Val-el that he needs to soak up some sun.

Aren't his parents dead from a disease contracted from tainted pirate treasure?

Earth 2 #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. Still no Alan Scott, Big Barda, or Mister Miracle. Or Fury! It seems a lot of characters have just disappeared since the change in writers. Although there are a fuckload of characters to follow in this book. It's like trying to fit each of the 52 New Earth titles into one book. Where is Commander Steel? What about the Red Lantern in the fire pit?! I think this book should be double length each month.