Batman Loves Superman #32

This has "international incident" written all over it.

The Review!
See that number five on the cover of this book? Just take a black marker and cross it out. Then take your copy of Action Comics #52 and, using your black marker, replace the six with a five. Because you don't need to read this comic book. You don't want to read this comic book. The only thing it accomplished for me was making me hate Superman and Wonder Woman. They act like entitled children in their visit to China (which, I suppose, makes them no worse than most America tourists). The only thing you need to know from this story is that there is now a Chinese Superman flying around China. That's it. Nothing else in this story matters. Although looking at the cover and seeing that the entire Great Ten are on it while only seven of the Great Ten appear in the book makes me wonder about one of the worst lines in the entire book. It's when Wonder Woman first responds to the Great Ten telling the heroes to leave China. She haughtily proclaims that they can't count because there are only seven of them. Why put all ten on the cover and then just bring seven to the battle so that Wonder Woman can be a dick about it? I'm going to blame this bullshit on Eddie Berganza. He probably decided ten were too many characters to throw in the mix and then added Wonder Woman's shitty line to the script to address the missing members. Whatever is happening in this comic book, it's all horrible. Maybe Tomasi should just stick to writing Alfred, Bruce, and Damian. Working under Berganza is making him look like a shitty writer.

The Commentary!
For most of you, Superman has either already died or been miraculously saved because you've read the Superman #52. I won't be reading it for another two weeks or so because I'm so busy that I'm falling behind reading my comic books. Never mind what I've been busy doing! Curing cancer and playing video games can both be described as "being busy!" Also, in the immortal words of Rush, "If you choose to do nothing, you're still busy doing nothing." So suck it, judgmental nerds! Is this a case of protesting too much?

Okay, so Superman is dying. But he isn't concerned with finding a cure. He never read that poem about not going gentle into a perfectly reasonable night which totally proves that life is worth living or something. Although I wrote a poem called "Rage, Rage Against the Person Raging Against the Dying of the Light" which totally proves that it's better to just shut up and die and stop bothering everybody else with your problems. So, you know. I'm just as great as that Dylan Thomas guy! What else did he write anyway? Like anybody knows him for anything else! That'll teach him for writing one thing that was so much better than everything else! Or, if not better than other things he wrote, at least it was mercifully short. Nobody has time to read your stupid plays, Thomas!

It's cases like Dylan Thomas's that move me to write tons and tons of mediocre bullshit. That way nothing I write can ever outshine the rest of what I write and nobody will remember me for only the one thing! Instead they'll say things like "Grunion who?" and "Tess ate what? What the fuck are you talking about?" and "People who waste time reading comic books are probably stupid fucking assholes who never get laid." The imaginary people of the future are hurtful.

Why wasn't Bruce Wayne prescribed Dionesium years ago?!

Why doesn't Batman tell Superman about this thing called Dionesium that can cure even death? Does he not want his friend to live? I'm sure Superman can tunnel down under Gotham and find whatever's left of the stuff, right? I bet Batman is selfishly hoarding it just in case any more of his sidekicks die.

Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman are currently headed into China to investigate the person who hacked the Fortress of Solitude and sent Chinese Zodiac monsters after Superman. That means they're going to ignore international borders because they don't have time to go through the proper legal channels like everybody else who wants to visit China. It must be nice living a life where you think the laws don't apply to you. Oh, you know what? It is nice! I'm one of those people! Although I think we're all really those people. If there's a law that's inconveniencing us at the moment, most of us will simply ignore it because, at the moment, it's obviously so stupid that it should never have been a law in the first place and we're modern day Henry David Thoreaus! We're taking a stand against injustice! Plus I really just needed to get across the street and am an adult and don't need a properly designated crossing to tell me when it's safe to cross! I'm a rebel! Plus I remember that thing where you look one way and then the other and then the other way before proceeding!

The Great American Trinity cross into China and are immediately brought down by some kind of force power. They're greeted by August General in Iron and the rest of the Chinese National Superhero Group, The Great Ten. Wonder Woman decides being told by another hero that she isn't allowed to cross international borders willy-nilly is the best time to point out a person's poor counting skills. It seems to me the American heroes should be apologizing profusely and explaining themselves rather than acting like they own the entire fucking world.

Christ. I'm American and now I hate Americans too! I think American tourists are worse for the United State's image than their atrocious foreign policy and imperialist attitude toward solving world problems!

Wonder Woman is from Themyscira and now lives in London so I'd understand if somebody wanted to argue that she's not American. But she's representing America by wearing the flag as a leotard and being an abrasive asshole, so I'm going to go ahead and continue to claim her as one of ours. That whole living in London to distance yourself from America isn't fooling anybody, Madonna! I mean Wonder Woman!

So apparently it's okay to beat the shit out of people enforcing their international border if they tell you that you should not be crossing illegally into their country. How dare they?! Maybe if I draw some Starros on Superman and Wonder Woman's faces in that previous scene, I'd be more inclined to buy their attitude. If Superman hadn't been so jovial in the opening scene, I might also chalk his attitude up to being desperately in a hurry because he's dying. But he doesn't really seem all that bothered by dying. I think he's just in the mood to kick some Chinese ass because he's upset about the trade disparity. America! When things don't go our way, we knock the Monopoly board on the floor and blame everybody else for ruining the game.

You never even tried to ask them anything! You just started mouthing off and acting like you owned the place, you asshole! How should they have reacted? With obsequiousness?

I guess if Tomasi wanted to write a story which made me hate Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman, he's succeeded! What makes this worse is that Batman worked with August General in Iron in Justice League International. You'd think Batman would have kept that line of communication open just for these moments when he needed to be in China at a moment's notice. If Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman actually wanted to ask questions, they could have gotten in contact with August General in Iron. And since they didn't do that, I have to assume they really did just want to physically prove themselves superior to the Chinese heroes.

To prove that they're indeed friends and have come in peace, Batman puts the August General in Iron's life at risk so that Superman can save it. Everybody knows that that's the point where the opposition says something like, "You...you...you saved me life? Why?!" Then the heroes can be all, "Because we're heroes and we didn't want to fight you! But you were all, 'We're going to fight you!' So we had to be all, 'Oh yeah?! Well we're defending ourselves!' And so we had to fight!" And the opposition usually doesn't say but probably always thinks, "But that's not how it happened at all! Not at all!"

So now that the entire misunderstanding has been straightened out by the brusque, obnoxious assholes having proven that they're actually good people and not the dickfart frat jerks they first presented themselves as being, the Chinese and American heroes can discuss the situation rationally. At this point, I really don't fucking care if this Superman dies. And he may as well take Wonder Woman with him. Assholes.

No, August General in Iron, it does not. Do not allow these assholes to get away with their behavior! Do not compliment him on saving your life when he and his friends first endangered it! They could have approached politely and had this discussion instead of being insulting and aggressive.

The Great Ten escort the Big Three to Doctor Omen's lab where they discover she's created her own Chinese Superman by collecting Superman's FWASH power particulates or something. It's all quite scientific and inscrutable. Doctor Omen isn't a fan of being questioned by Americans so she frees Chinese Superman and he flies off to do whatever Chinese superheroes are taught to do. I'm not even going to speculate because I'll invariably say something insensitive or racist like how he's probably off to pee in Cokes. No way I'll be tricked into typing something like that!

The Great Ten explain that they will deal with Chinese Superman as long as he's in China and then kick the Americans out. August General in Iron does agree to remain in contact with Superman even though he never stayed in contact with Batman. I'll just assume that was Batman's fault. Although Batman isn't the type of guy to lose contacts or burn bridges. He plans for every possibility! Like the possibility that one day he'd need to enter China to deal with something and having a powerful Chinese ally like August General in Iron is something Batman wouldn't just toss out like a smeg-covered egg salad sandwich from a stranger.

Meanwhile, Impostor Superman has decided to visit Lois Lane at her apartment. Maybe Lois will get the scoop on this guy since that's what she does.

Robin, Son of Batman #6

I never liked Tweety Bird. I hope that asshole was the appetizer.

I'm way behind on my comic book reading due to important things like leveling up my guns in Call of Duty and replaying The Temple of Elemental Evil! I've got thirty-four comic books in my stack and I won't be able to do any commentaries between Sunday and Wednesday of this week because my cousin is flying into town to go see Alice Cooper with me on Tuesday. So I'm going to see how many books I can do today by sticking to some kind of bullet point system. Can I actually read a comic book without writing a ton of extraneous, meaningless bullshit? Can I actually concentrate on the story's themes? Probably not. But I'm going to try anyway! If I can actually catch up, it'll be my Christmas present to myself!

Side note regarding giving myself Christmas presents: I am an atheist. I grew up in a family that were, technically, Catholic. At some point. In the past. I was baptized and that's about as much religious upbringing as I had. Religion wasn't really important in my family although my mother still had enough Catholic guilt to yell at me if I ever said "Goddammit!" So Christmas is a secular tradition for me. I suppose since the word is Christ's Mass, I wouldn't ever go so far as to say it should ultimately be embraced as secular. But to think that it's always been all about religion and that everybody has always celebrated it that way until all the Happy Holiday Heathens ruined it is simply ludicrousmas.

This issue begins during one of Damian's Year of Blood quests. He's battling his way through a dungeon when he comes to his next prize guarded by a giant werebat and its children. Damian slays all but one of them because the last one is just too cute to kill, even if you are Damian Wayne, bloodthirsty bastard child of Talia al Ghul.

Poor baby newly orphaned Goliath! I'm totally not sad at all!

It's not fair to use animals to pull on the emotional ripcords of your audience! I'll cry at the drop of a hat if an animal is harmed in a book, comic, or movie. Or if the animal is lonely. Or if the animal is well loved. Or if the animal is an animal. But if you can make me cry in a story that's only about people? You're on some kind of super game at that point. Sure, it happens just not as often as with animals. What I'm trying to say, Patrick Gleason, is don't think you're something special because you're getting my eyes to water seeing the panel of Robin with his eyes watering as he looks down at this cute little critter whose family he just murdered!

Oh god. OH GOD WHY, GLEASON?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!

Another to way to make me cry if it's a movie is to make your movie a musical. That's also a shortcut to tapping right into a person's emotions so it's mostly cheating. I know there are quite a few movies that don't have animals or songs in them that make me bawl but I can't really think of many right now except maybe Slingblade and Young Guns II.

Robin returns to Talia with the scepter and the Neopet. He asks Talia if he can keep the creature by telling her a lie about how the creature helped him escape the cave and how he totally didn't completely break down from shame and guilt as the innocent creature reached out to Damian who was still bathed in its family's blood. Damian names it Goliath. And that's Goliath's origin story! It was sadder than Batman's origin!

Back to the present, Talia returns to Bialya with the Scepter of Kings. She marches into the court of Prince Abush who has had some dental work since we last saw him. Whoever wields (or "WEILDS" if I want to spell the way Tom Napolitano spells similar words!) the Scepter of Kings will rule Bialya. Prince Abush doesn't like that idea but after getting his new dental work knocked out by the mother of the kid who caused the need for that work, he relents. Or falls unconscious. Talia is now the ruler of Bialya!

Damian has an exploding vagina?

Talia attempts to talk to her son about the upcoming battle with Den Darga. But Damian only has one question for mother: "Why did you kill me?" I can't answer for Talia but I'm pretty sure it has to with with trains in mother's tunnels and Oedipal cigars and reverse Electral penitentiaries. It's all quite psychologically complicated! Or it just might be that she was pissed at him for leaving her and bonding with his father.

Is that other she believed "Grant Morrison"? And when Grant was removed with his need to make Talia and Bruce bitter divorcees, Patrick is now able to make Talia more than just Bruce's vindictive ex?

Just as Damian brought his father a pearl to symbolize how much he was trying to change and loved by his father, Talia brings a black pearl to Damian. It supposedly contains the evil al Ghul side of her that she has left behind so that she can simply be the mother to her son. If Damian chooses, he can restore her memories and kill her. Or he can allow her the same chance at redemption which Batman gave him.

Patrick Gleason is killing this shit.

Damian goes to speak with Nobody and finds her watching news reports about the death of Batman. I suppose it finally had to be dealt with since Damian needs to go participate in the Robin War! Damian seems to shrug off the idea that his father is dead because he knows firsthand how fickle death is in comic books. Damian is a bit down on the whole Robin thing at this point but Nobody has never believed in Robin more (even though he did kill her father. I mean, her father was kind of a jerk so she can probably forgive him). Damian has done good even if he doesn't want to acknowledge it because it might take away from his need to keep striving for redemption. But he saved Goliath. And he saved his brothers. And now he has the chance to save Nobody and his mother and maybe even his father too.

Okay, now Patrick is making me cry without using animals. Jerk.

For Damian to truly understand the idea of Jesus's rebuke to those willing to cast stones shows real maturity. It's not about punishment and being above sin. It's about second chances and redemption. Who has the right to take away somebody else's chance to make good on past evil? Damian could easily have been treated in the same way. It's an even more mature reason for not killing than Batman's usual reason for not wanting to become the thing he hates. You don't kill because you aren't the one who should determine that somebody is beyond redemption.

This train of thought always brings me back to The Lord of the Rings and how Bilbo has the strength to let Gollum live. And later when Gandalf tells Frodo that nobody has the ability to give life back to the dead, so why should they presume to think they have the right to end somebody's life? And how, in the end, Gollum is needed to destroy the ring. Yes, it's ultimately an accident. But without Gollum, Frodo would not have chosen to destroy the ring. It's grip was too powerful in the end. It isn't quite a story of redemption but it's an interesting take on pity and condemning others to death.

I think it's time to stop being surprised at how well Patrick Gleason is writing this book and just accept that, at this point, he's the fucking man to write Damian.

The next day, Maya is about ready to set off to look for her mother. Damian is headed back to Gotham. And Goliath...I guess Goliath gets to choose because Damian sets him free. He chooses to remain behind with Ravi. I'm sure they'll all get back together after the Robin War is over. Damian leaves a note with Ravi to give to his mother in the arena where they were supposed to battle the next day. And then he's off to Gotham.

Damian also gives the pearl back to Talia along with the note. He's decided to let her choose her path rather than decide it for her. I'm not sure what she's choosing but she seems to have an army waiting for her in the arena the next day. Was she going to have Damian battle them all? Or is she just preparing to battle Den Darga? I guess that's the question, right?

Robin, Son of Batman #6 Rating: +3 Ranking. This comic may not be at the extreme top of my comic book rankings but after this issue, it's up there with Grayson and The Omega Men as one of my favorites. Patrick Gleason is writing the fucking hell out of Damian and telling the story Damian needed outside of his life with Batman. I can't recommend this book highly enough. Gleason has taken Batman and Robin, one of my consistently favorite original New 52 books, and continued the quality of that series, if he hasn't actually raised it by a few notches. I can't say anything better about this book than that it made me cry at least twice while reading this issue. Usually that would mean I'd call Gleason an asshole because I have a problem dealing with emotions but I'll let him off the hook this time and just say, "Thank you, Pat!" Great fucking book.

Catwoman Annual #2

Fuck. It's fucking Annual Season. I might as well be flushing my money straight down the toilet.

As far as annuals go, I suspect this one will be more entertaining than most of the Annuals DC has put out since The New 52 began. I've enjoyed the first few issues of Catwoman written by Genevieve Valentine even if I could barely understand them. They're filled with high minded ideas and historical quotes and characters having believable dialogue and meaningful interactions. And with Batman on the cover (kind of), maybe there will finally be some fucking in this thing!

I bet this issue begins with a poem by Gertrude Stein!

"CHICKEN.
Pheasant and chicken, chicken is a peculiar third.
CHICKEN.
Alas a dirty word, alas a dirty third alas a dirty third, alas a dirty bird.
CHICKEN.
Alas a doubt in case of more go to say what it is cress. What is it. Mean. Why. Potato. Loaves.
CHICKEN.
Stick stick call then, stick stick sticking, sticking with a chicken. Sticking in a extra succession, sticking in."

And that will totally set up the issue! What could the chicken represent? Or the sticking sticks? I think I know what the dirty bird will be!

I don't know why I scanned this picture. Nobody is fucking.

Let me skim through this annual really quickly to find the parts where Batman lectures Catwoman and treats her like a little girl. Unless he's horny and decides to treat her like a grown ass woman. Has anybody else gotten the feeling that Batman doesn't know how to have a mature relationship with an adult woman?

Valentine's first quote, which is usually way over my head because they're never by Edward Packard or R.A. Montgomery, is from Sun Tzu's The Art of War. I bet that's the level of quote I can understand! I may not have ever fought in a war and never been in a real fist fight (although I have completely spazzed out on people, bashed people in the head with my skateboard, and brought a knife to stab a bully at the bowling alley once) but how hard can a war quote be to understand?

I don't get it.

Couldn't the quote have been something easy to understand like "To kill your enemy is to defeat the day; to kill yourself is to defeat eternity." No wait, I don't understand that one either. And I made that one up!

Actually, I think I understand the quote! It's like tennis! To not lose, you must avoid unforced errors. And to win, you must take advantage of your opponent's unforced errors! Is that close enough?

Have I mentioned yet that this story is about the new Catwoman, Eiko Hasigawa? It's about how she once hunted Catwoman because Catwoman ruined one of her big scores one night. Cats are such assholes. They ruin everything. Especially when they make you love them for fifteen years and then die like a selfish bastard. Jerks!

One night while hunting Catwoman, Eiko gets a glimpse of her face. But she never sees Catwoman again after that. Until Selina Kyle suddenly appears leading the Calabrese family.

Look! Look! John McCrea is doing more New 52 artwork! Eee!

Eiko's father sends her out to gather more territory for the Hasigawa family while the Calabrese family are busy building relationships and being careful not to rock too many boats. So Eiko decides to take over the role of Catwoman and visit a gang called The Sons of Forster Lane. They sound like a book club.

There's another quote that's probably from Sun Tzu as well! "Energy may be likened to the bending of a crossbow; decision, to the releasing of a trigger." That's war advice? That's just statements of fact! They aren't even metaphors! Energy is built up in the bending of a crossbow! And releasing a trigger is a decision! Is this the kind of advice that fools give to appear wise? Or vice versa, maybe?

Eiko manages to screw up getting the Sons of Forster Lane territory on purpose. She's really good at pretending to not know how to play games! It's her strategy! She probably learned it from The Pillow Book because Sun Tzu is always going on about defeating your enemies by not defeating yourself and crap like that. I don't think he ever said, "To lose against your enemies every time is to win against them in the end."

As Selina Kyle tries to legitimize the Calabrese family and end the chaos and the feuding of the various crime families of Gotham, Eiko tries to play her father to minimize bloodshed and violence in the Hasigawa family. She knows she is being trained to lead but does not have the ruthlessness necessary to make hard decisions concerning people she cares about. So she stalls and manipulates and tarries and runs around as Catwoman. I think she learned about stalemates from watching Wargames! That's the only war strategy I know! Is that Sun Tzu as well? "The only way to win is not to play the game."

And then one night, Eiko, as Catwoman, runs into Batman. Fuckfight? Please?

Fighting? Yes please. But only the fuck variety!

Catwoman heads home only to find that her father has had her cousin Ken killed for being useless. She'd been trying to protect him all issue and her father finally got tired of it and used his death to punish her. But now that her father has taken the only thing he knows about that matters to her, he now has nothing to use against her. The only thing he's done is pushed her further away and she wasn't even that close to him to begin with. It's time for Eiko to figure out how to become friends with Selina Kyle!

Catwoman Annual #2 Rating: All of this takes place before Eiko and Selina first meet so I really should dig up the other Valentine Catwoman's and read them again with this story in mind. But that would mean shoving Pelafina off of my lap and moving everything off of my comic book boxes and digging through the boxes to find the past issues and spending time rereading things I've already read. That sounds like a lot of work and/or things I just don't want to do! So I'll just appreciate this story for what it was and go rewrite the scene where Eiko and Batman meet on the rooftop. Does Batman keep whip cream in his utility belt? What about Ben Wa balls? Anal beads?

Catwoman #34

You know what would be more exciting than Catwoman? Supercatwoman!

Yet Another List of Ann Nocenti’s Bullshit

1. The initial scene takes place in "Gotham City" where a remote control Gargoyle is smelling things. The scene that follows takes place "Elsewhere at Alice Tesla's Workshop." That means her work is not located in Gotham City! I'm good at word problems when they don't involve math!

2. The mechanical gargoyle is breaking into Catwoman's penthouse. Alice doesn't notice the break-in on the security camera because she's busy scoring orbs to forge fragoon feathers. I bet the virtual reality world Alice Tesla is currently playing games in (you know, where they forge fragoon feathers) plays a vital role in the upcoming Klarion the Witch Boy series!

3. Catwoman believes that any thought by any other person that differs from her own way of thinking is aberrant.

4. Alice Tesla mentions that Catwoman won the best thief trophy. When did that happen? I don't remember any kind of closing ceremonies? Did Catwoman steal the trophy because at least that makes sense! That was probably the contest the entire time. The best thief would just steal it. Just like Willy Wonka's rigged game where the actual contest was to find out which child would not engage in corporate espionage!

5. Catwoman's new safe house is going to be an old murder museum because Ann Nocenti must have been reading Harley Quinn and was suddenly inspired.

6. Catwoman continues to judge Alice Tesla for being an introvert and a technophile. Why is it that extroverts and nature lovers truly believe that they're living life more fully than those that would rather curl up with a book and their own company, and those who prefer modern conveniences over marveling at the grandeur of nature. Fuck nature! What has nature ever done for me?! I mean personally!

7. Alice Tesla is no better. As soon as she steps outside, it's whine, bitch, moan, cri, hate, hate, hate. Her main problems with being outside? Mosquitoes, flies, squirrels, pollen, bees, grass. So a bunch of things she won't have to worry about running into in Gotham City. Okay, maybe the flies. It's not like inside is any better! Inside has flies and gnats and dust and spiders and shag carpeting. Shag carpeting tickles the feet too, Alice Tesla!

8. Why is being into murderers and the macabre some kind of proof of your alterna-hipness? My mom loves serial killers and she's as unhip as you can get! For her birthday one year, I bought her the complete set of serial killer trading cards. I purchased the set at R and K Comics on El Camino Real in Santa Clara! Although Brian's Books on Calabazas was my first local comic book shop that wasn't a convenience store comic book rack.

9. The building turns out to be a trap as metal shutters close on all the windows. They're in Jigsaw's hands now!

10. Ann Nocenti proves that she read up on online games and spills as much of the lingo as possible in three panels as Alice Tesla tells Catwoman that she's been gaslighted...by Alice herself! Maybe gaslighted isn't the right word since I have no idea what it actually means beyond the four or five definitions Ann Nocenti gave me last issue. So Ann Nocenti mentions questing and mobs and buffing and DDing and tanking and camping and spawning a bunch of the usual fantasy adventure types of loot and classes. It made me think, "Wow! Ann Nocenti has never played an online game in her life but she's definitely mined the wikipedia article about them!"

11. Tesla sets off a trap that seals her into a room with her fremesis, Cyberius! He's an Elvin Tech-Caster, of course! Which means he can summon monsters via 3-D printing technology merged with the best A.I. enhancements! He can make living monsters! Anyway, the trap doesn't seem like much of a trap. It's more of an excuse to separate Catwoman from Tesla.

12. Cyberius' monster is called Bullbot although it should be called Mechanical Gargoyle From Page One. Alice Tesla's monster is called Gearface because her imagination is terrible.

13. Oh really, Catwoman? Every time? Then why does paper beat rock? Dumb dumb!

14. Funny thing about back-ups though. You don't normally keep them with or on the same system as the originals. Also, nice bit of exposition on Catwoman's part to keep the cloud out of it. You don't want snarky nerds reading this and going, "SNORT! He probably hash all hish filesh uploaded to sheveral different sherversh acrosh the shtate."

15. Lateral lisps are not funny, Catwoman. How dare you manipulate me into a spot where I couldn't not make fun of them!

16. Catwoman arrives and guesses that Tesla's monster is called Gearface because she knows that Tesla's imagination is terrible.

17. Oh my God! Cyberius's distraction has been so, um, fascinating that I almost never forgot about his Bullbot raiding Catwoman's place!

18. Catwoman ruins the date and knocks out Cyberius with her Feral Cat Punch. I just made that up. You can have it, Ann, if you want. Oh wait. You won't be needing it anymore. Maybe Teekl can use it!

19. Ann Nocenti has Catwoman mention a "fear of flying" again. So what Selina is really asking Tesla is if she's afraid of her own sexuality and dating and perhaps that's why she hides behind the computer monitor instead of heading out of the house and meeting real people and getting her feet tickled.

20. After the fear of flying comment, Catwoman continues to speak in metaphor when she asks Alice, "Why is your workshop signal red?" Oh yeah. Boom chikka boom, amirite?

21. After Cyberius stole Tesla's data, she stole Cyberius's data while he was stealing her data. But then she stole her data back but not before he used her data to make more data. Or something. I think they both win!

22. See you in Klarion the Witch Boy, Cyberius!

Catwoman #34 Ranking: No change. All of Ann Nocenti's stories have basically become the same story. Bad guy plots against the good guy. Bad guy looks to get the better of the good guy. Good guy had a plan to beat the bad guy at bad guy's own game all along. Good guy comes out triumphant! But wait! Bad guy still has a trick up bad guy's sleeve because bad guy wasn't actually bested at all! Look at how this ended. Alice points out she stole all of Cyberius's data and wiped it so he had no access to it. And yet he still has an army of Bullbots and Gearfaces! Oh my God, Catwoman! I bet you were wrong! He was using cloud storage after all!

Catwoman #33

HOLY GOD IN HEAVEN WHEN IS ANN NOCENTI GOING TO RETIRE?!

Let's just get this over with, shall we?

Yet Another List of Ann Nocenti's Bullshit

1. Catwoman begins the issue upset with Roulette because her Race of Thieves was garbage. Also because it was fixed. And even though Catwoman should have won enough money to retire for the rest of her life and never write another shitty comic book ever again because she bet on a 100 to 1 long shot and won, Catwoman still insists on ruining Roulette's life. Why? Because she fixed a race, dammit! She held a contest and broke trust with the contestants by rigging it? It was a contest for thieves! If there's is one thing I know about thieves, there is no honor amongst them! It's like their main commandment! Thou shalt not have honor! Who is Catwoman to come around and change that?! She knew the contest wasn't going to be fair from the beginning and now she's more pissed off than she's ever been in her life because she found out it was true?! She used the fixing of the race to her advantage!

Catwoman is really pissing me off right now!

2. Catwoman ruins a computer monitor because, like a cat, she can't tell reality from images on a screen and she thinks she just defeated Question Mark Face.

3. Did any of this ever even happen?! Roulette never gained Catwoman's trust! Catwoman never thought she was going crazy! Catwoman hasn't given up any information unless Roulette's entire plan was to throw a fake Race of Thieves so that Catwoman would solve the mystery of the old dead Countess. Although why would Roulette specifically target Catwoman for that plan since Catwoman has never been known for her ability to solve cold cases up until now? And how the fuck did Alice Tesla figure all of this out simply because there were gaslights at the beginning of the race?!

Scenes from Ann Nocenti's Catwoman

Alice Tesla mentions a thing and then defines that thing. She defines it across several short, staccato sentences. Catwoman looks off into the distance and mentions the thing that Alice first mentioned but in different terms. Alice Tesla agrees and then adds a bit of information that doesn't have anything to do with anything else. Catwoman smirks. She says a thing. She says the thing a different way. She comes to a conclusion that's a half-processed idiom.

End Scene!

3. As in...the length of a National Hockey League season!? If I suddenly found myself pregnant and didn't want to cause a scandal, I think I'd take a trip that lasted shorter or longer than nine months. You think she would have waited until she was starting to show before leaving for her trip? Maybe she did but then, like a moron, stayed on an extra three or four months after giving up the baby to a strange Transylvanian Countess.

4. Selina asks Gillbrite a question which he answers by answering another question and then continues to string together sentences with no actual relation to each other.

5. Who says that? People say that? I don't think anybody says that. Also some kid is playing frisbee with a wolf. Also also Gillbrite didn't fucking unleash anything! He found some more information about an old case. I don't think it's going to threaten the Omniverse.

I know just because I've never heard a saying that it doesn't mean the saying doesn't exist! I first learned the phrase "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear" when I played Infocom's Nord and Bert Couldn't Make Head Or Tail Of It. Not a week later, I was in Las Vegas playing Paigow. An old man sitting next to me picks up his cards, chuckles, shows them to me, and says, "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear!" That old guy became my best friend for the next few hours.

6. Catwoman confronts Hunt Stone about his plan to use her for whatever he used her for. I guess since he didn't know how to manipulate the World's Greatest Detective, the next best person to manipulate was the World's Greatest Detective's Fuck Buddy. Hopefully somebody will explain how the Race of Thieves became the front for getting Catwoman to solve a cold case that Hunt Stone didn't actually want solved.

7. Why are we four issues into the Race of Thieves and nobody has commented on the fact that Hunt Stone's head is on fire?

8. Luckily Catwoman and Hunt Stone have a battle in which they summarize the essential bits of the story instead of concentrating on the punching and the biting. I think it calls for another Scene!

Scenes from Ann Nocenti's Catwoman

"I know what you seek, Hunt!" mrowled Catwoman accusatorily!

"You know what a cunt sees?" questioned Hunt confusitationally.

"When you heard about the dig under the Viceroy Manor, you panicked," explained Catwoman to the readers that weren't quite sure why Hunt would care about any of this since he was just a descendant of the servant that was willed all of Viceroy's money and what did a centuries old murder have to do with any of that? Especially when Viceroy Manor was loaded with riches that the servant didn't get that the Viceroy's children and children's descendants could have claimed. It seemed like a lot of bother for nothing. The Race of Thieves was a stupid idea but it would have been better if it wasn't just the cover for some paranoid asshat that was afraid that his great grandfather would suddenly be accused of murder even though there was no evidence for it at all.

"Do you want I should explain how the whole Race of Thieves came about so that we could, um, I don't know. Tamper with evidence, I guess? Is that the best connection I have between the Race of Thieves and hiring somebody to crack the cold case and then bury the evidence that he finds so that...wait, why did I do that again?" stumbled Hunt Mason. Unless his name was something else. "Anyway, if only you had arrived moments earlier, you would have had me dead to rights. But for what, I don't know. Burning evidence that proves that the original coroner's report and investigation were true? Why would that matter? What's going on here? Where am I?"

"You were busy burning the evidence that would have exonerated, not implicated, your fine stonemason. You were the rightful heir of the Viceroy fortune all along. You had nothing to fear from the crime scene," explains away Catwoman as if the rest of the story somehow made sense and Ann Nocenti didn't just realize that it's all stupid crap.

"Oh woes me! Or something! I should have read the report before burning it! And I should have never done anything at all! Mother always said my paranoia would get the best of me! Unless she didn't ever say that and it was just the paranoia talking," fainted Hunt Thompson. "Why is my head on fire?" he finished.

End Scene!

9. So that the Gotham Police Department doesn't charge him with tampering with the evidence of a two hundred year old crime scene, Hunt Stone gives up some information about Roulette to Catwoman. As if the Gotham Police would care! And anyway, Catwoman did more tampering with evidence than Hunt Mason did! She stole love letters and tramped around the crime scene on stealthy kitty paws! All Hunt Mason did was burn some evidence reports which were sent to him by a private investigator which means they were his reports anyway!

10. I have a theory! Ann Nocenti is a multi-dimensional creature that can't exist in linear time so she's just guessing at the way stories are told and people act! Reality makes as much sense to her as her comic book plots make to us!

11. Hunt Stone tells Catwoman what Roulette does in a day. Luckily for Catwoman, Roulette is an "extreme OCD Neurotic" which means the details Stone gave Catwoman will help Catwoman take revenge on Roulette any day of the week!

12. Roulette is an odd name and fixation for somebody with extreme OCD. How do people with OCD fare with devices that give out random iterations of things?

13. Roulette's Narration Box symbol is a pair of dice. Because that makes little sense. Pure Nocenti! Even if it is the fault of the artists and/or letterers.

14. Catwoman's first act of revenge is to add ten pounds to Roulette's bench press. Maniacal!

15. Catwoman's second act of revenge is to throw a mechanical octopus in the pool that almost drowns Roulette. The purpose is to make Roulette think that she imagined whatever it was that almost drowned her in the same way that Data imagined that Octopus in Goonies. The problem with this act of revenge meant to make her question her sanity is that the art tells a different story where Roulette would have to be a fucking stupid jizzbag to not realize she actually was attacked by some mechanical contraption.

16. Roulette refers to the bench press machine as a "death trap" because she couldn't finish her last rep. Lawsuits for everyone!

17. Catwoman puts on a chauffeur's cap. The perfect disguise!

18. Catwoman ruins one of Roulette's business deals with a plan that rivals the extra weight trick and the perfect disguise! She sends a couple of thugs to Roulette's business meeting and have them say, "We're, uh, duh, uh, wit' Rolo or sometin'?" The Chinese casino owner shouts, "No deal!"

19. Finally Catwoman shows up to punch Roulette in the face and declare herself the winner of the Race of Thieves! She can haz trophy?

Well, she is an "extreme OCD neurotic." I suppose she'd be okay with that as long as every day was exactly the same.

20. At the end, Selina remembers all the other characters in the story and how she defeated them. She says of Hunter S. Mason: "Any time I want, I can put you in jail." What? Why?! I already pointed out why you can't! So he hired Roulette to run a contest. Big deal! And he hired a private investigator to investigate a two hundred year old murder and then burned the file that contained everything the private investigator learned. You broke more laws by stealing those letters, you Froot Loop Dingus!

Catwoman #33 Rating: -2 Ranking. I know I already have this comic book ranked at 52 out of 52 but it's so bad that it needs to be ranked even lower. It is now 54 out of 52! And there aren't even currently 52 books in The New 52! This book is a stinker! It's also one of my favorite to write about!

Catwoman #32

Who is the Mysterious Fireface?! To find out, you'll need to slog through twenty pages of complete nonsense!

Last issue, I decided it was taking too long to comment on Ann Nocenti's story like an actual critic critiquing actual writing. And since Ann Nocenti's writing isn't technically writing, I decided to just start listing all of the weird and incomprehensible things going on in The Race of Thieves! I may also interrupt the list for a nice bit of Scenes From Ann Nocenti. Ready? On your go! MARK!

Another List of Ann Nocenti’s Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

1. Funny enough, I accidentally guessed how Nocenti would begin the issue. Sure, it's a "race" so why wouldn't it start with an on your mark type of gunshot deal. But I'd forgotten this part of the competition was going to be a literal race.

2. To prove who is the best thief in the world, the thieves compete in a Wacky Race. None of them question this.

3. Vegas is running odds on the winner of the Race of Thieves. I suppose this isn't that odd since Vegas bookmakers will run bets on anything. But this is some kind of clandestine, invitation-only, outside of the law competition! Did Roulette hold a press conference at the Rio before sending out the puzzle box invites?

4. I guess Roulette is participating in this race? She's on a bullet train to the end of the line while the other racers try to drive through sandy terrain to beat her.

5. Mirror Master owns a rocket ship?

6. Rat-tail (woo woo!) has suddenly entered the competition and even though the race is straight along some tracks, he rides his motorcycle across the front of a tank and some kid named Big Wheel's truck. He's worse at driving than he is at doing his hair.

7. Rat-tail winds up in Catwoman's car even though the positions of all the vehicles make no sense for him to be able to hop to her car when his motorcycle is run over.

8. Catwoman decides to tell Rat-tail about her new job as an undercover coroner with the Gotham Police.

9. Coroner Bill don't believe in none of your highfalutin, modern day CSI nonsense!

10. Coroner Bill actually says "Jeesums." Just in case you weren't sure he was an ornery son of a gun what ain't got no time for all these computer doohickeys!

11. Catwoman and Mirror Master have no trouble conversing while racing. Perhaps Sam Scudder has gotten good at hearing things he shouldn't be able to hear so he can respond to The Flash's super speed one-liners.

12. Oh! That's what I've been doing wrong all these years of gambling! The smart money is to bet on the long shot! Shucks!

13. I think "stay on your wheels" is better advice than "don't use fuel." It's a fifty mile course! Who's going to be dumb enough to run out of fuel?!

14. I suppose he did have to drive all the way to this desert in South Asia on one tank.

15. Some smart-assed Asian guy points out the idiot that didn't refuel should have been using a camel because "their tanks never run dry." Piss off, old man!

16. An Interpol helicopter begins firing missiles at the contestants and Catwoman correctly guesses that the hearse in the race is asking for it just before it blows up. Why was the hearse asking for it? Where does she get such lovely intuition?

17. While missiles are flying all around them, Rat-tail (woo woo!) asks Catwoman to continue her story about Coroner Bill and his rival.

18. Catwoman notices details the other coroners missed. Like how the corpse of Rita's ancestor is missing a finger. She has such attention to detail!

19. If the family fortune still exists? I suppose he's talking about money other than all the priceless artifacts they found buried beneath the family home and frozen in blocks of ice. Also, I think every line of Coroner Bill's is supposed to be followed by a laugh track.

20. The missing ring finger was taken by Coroner Bill so he could solve the case and prove that gruffness and ill-temper are better tools for solving murders than gadgets and gizmos!

Scenes From Ann Nocenti's Catwoman: Scene Three

Catwoman needed to do some investigating. She was in a race but it was not a race against time because she had plenty of time to do some investigating on the side. She wanted to investigate Hunt Stone's house. "Gee," she thought ballooned, "Hunt Stone's billions are what we are racing for. Not because he wants to give them away but because he must because his child has been kidnapped. I will break into his mansion and do my investigating to prove that he doesn't have a child. I mean, to find his missing child. But I might find his child is not missing because he does not have one! The mystery will thicken!"

Catwoman cut a tiny hole in a window of Hunt Stone's Mansion. It was very small but since it was big enough to get her head through, it was big enough to get the rest of her cat body through as well. The first thing she investigated were the chairs. There was only one in each room! "A-ha!" she extrapolated. "Where did Hunt Stone sit if there were only one chair for his child? I must investigate further!" Next she looked in his photo album that he kept on a table in the hallway. It did not have any photos in it! "This mystery is so thick!" she exclaimed.

Next, Catwoman investigated the bed. "Hmm," she thought. "That is quite a big bed. But do not get me wrong when I say it is big because it is only big enough for one man without any room left for a child. I think I am beginning to solve this mystery!" But first Catwoman remembered something her coroner friend said. He said, "Dust is made of skin flakes." That meant she would collect a bag of skin flakes to perform DNA on them! And the DNA would say, "These flakes have 0% chance of being from a child!" That would really help to solve her mystery! But she thought she still wanted a smoking gun because those always blow cases wide open. So she investigated the creepy baby death mask. "Who could have made this?" she thought! But she knew she could find out the answers because of fingerprints! Her investigations were a success! Now she would just have to go to the lab and process her fingerprints and her DNAs. Good job, Catwoman! That was me, the narrator, congratulating her on her job well done. Or done well enough.

End Scene.

21. There is no possible way that this is a person in a disguise.

22. Catwoman causes the Interpol helicopter to crash. But she does it in the safest way possible so that everybody in it can survive.

23. The Interpol helicopter was actually Vice and Swindle. They argue about how they were getting paid by Roulette to kill the other racers. Catwoman hears them from one hundred feet away while racing at a hundred miles per hour.

24. The finish of the race makes no sense. I'm not surprised because the beginning of the race made no sense. Nothing made any sense. I suppose you don't buy an Ann Nocenti book hoping for a coherent story.

25. Here's how the race finished. Roulette's train was about to cross the finish line so Catwoman grapples it and climbs on top to squat on her knees and scream, "Yes!" Then Mirror Master decides to stop before crossing the finish line to throw up a mirror to stop the train because the engineer would think another train just like his suddenly appeared on the track. That doesn't work and the train crashes into the mirror anyway. Catwoman dismounts (having done her job. I think?) and asks Mirror Master if he got the girl. He says "Yes" instead of "What girl?" I suppose they're talking about Roulette. Alvarez and Keyes were also in the race because they decided investigating a race in South Asia was important to justice in Gotham. And finally the bearded guy in the dune buggy won because he was the only one left and he paid off 100 to 1. And since betting on the long shot is the smart money, he's who Catwoman bet on!

26. Rat-tail (woo woo!), Catwoman, and Mirror Master board Roulette's train to steal the prize money because of course it would be on the train. But it's not. And neither are Roulette or the engineer! So I guess it wasn't Roulette that Catwoman was talking about to Mirror Master. So who the hell was she talking about?!

Catwoman #32 Rating: No change. It's now the worst comic book of The New 52 because Johns and Romita are turning Superman around and making it interesting! And enjoyable! But this book? Holy fuck, my brain hurts.

Catwoman #31

Who continues to buy this book? Shame on you all!

I'm one of those idiot assholes who believe they should act according to the beliefs they hold. So I actually buy my comics instead of going about making excuses for why it's okay for me to torrent the comic books I read. But Ann Nocenti might be tipping me into the realm of rationalizing jerk-off trying to convince everybody that it's okay to steal comic books because the copy protection on them is a huge burden. No wait. That's the rationalization for something else. Whatever! I don't care! At this point, I think the people paying for this comic book are actually doing more harm than the people stealing it!

See, I believe that if you like a piece of art that somebody is creating, you should support that art so that the creator has the means and ability to continue to make more art (Oh man! This is where I should shove in a Donate Button!). If you can't afford it or have some other reason for stealing the art, go ahead and do that. Just don't try to convince me that what you're doing has some kind of nobility behind it. I'm willing to bet I'd still be reading The Movement if as many people who read it actually paid for it. But right now, I can see the other side of the argument! Ann Nocenti's scripts are not worth paying for! They're also not worth stealing though. So maybe I'm not arguing that people steal it. Just stop fucking buying it. When a customer at a comic book shop approaches the counter with a Catwoman comic book, the clerk should confiscate it and hand that customer an Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea business card instead. "Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea! We Read the Shit So You Don't Get So Angry You Have An Embolism And Fall Down Dead in Your Apartment Where Your Neighbor Finds You Two Weeks Later Half Eaten By Your Cats!" I wonder if there's some way to make my business card catchier and more succinct?

Here's my review of this comic book before I even read it: Catwoman says some incoherent things. She talks past people while they talk past her. Some wacky shenanigans ensue that don't make any kind of sense at all. And by the last page, the reader is left shamed and embarrassed and a little bit turned on by the experience.

Last issue, the first part of the Race of Thieves took place. It was the Dexterity Challenge and it consisted of Roulette saying "Let the games begin!" and then everybody else going ape-shit. When you hear "Dexterity Challenge," you think each participant is going to have to pick a lock or walk across a tightrope from one roof to another. You think to yourself, "This is an organized challenge with rule and reason! It's specifically designed to find the most capable thief in the world." You don't think the game is going to consist of the host yelling out each challenge and then letting the participants simply pound each other in the face. But I guess Catwoman wins by being sucked into Mirror World and then escaping.

As a rational human being, I can't think of a more panic-inducing situation than seeing my face a thousand times over. Except maybe being trapped in a fire. Or attacked by rabid dogs. Or having sex for the first time.

Mirror Master's explanation about how most people react to being trapped in Mirror World is exactly the reaction Catwoman narrated while she was trapped in Mirror World. Ann Nocenti scripts as if each character is just another opportunity to say something strange. She doesn't see Selina Kyle as a specific character from Sam Scudder. They're just objects to stick speech bubbles on as they move the plot along through their inane dialogue.

Here's that part of the comic book that made me say Selina would talk past other people in my review I already wrote. Although Sam seems to actually be paying attention to the nonsense coming out of Selina's face.

Wait, wait! I'm not through scanning incoherent nonsense from this page! Enjoy these two panels of people saying weird fucking shit to each other.

Swindle doesn't get the last word. Not at all. And how is Catwoman being a tease? She just said these two will implode. That means she doesn't have to "make it happen." Fuck! Why are these people all such gigantic idiots?!

What are DC editors paid to do? Because part of their job description obviously isn't taking a script back to Ann Nocenti and asking the important questions like "Why is Sam calling Selina a tease here?" and "Why is Swindle saying 'Never again' to Vice?" and "Who keeps signing your paycheck?"

I'm about ready to scan in every fucking page of this mess so nobody has to go through the trouble of purchasing or torrenting this shit! It's just so entertaining in that way that taking a shit that's too big for your anal sphincter is entertaining!

This doesn't make any sense! If this is a race of thieves, why did Volt get an invite? Why is Roulette kicking him out now after she chose him for the party? How does the argument that chaos wins the race prove that Volt should continue to participate in a tournament of thieves?! And why the fuck would she point out this isn't the race of law-abiding citizens?! Because only law-abiding citizens would agree with her when she kicked them out of the contest?! I'm so fucking confused!

Scenes From Ann Nocenti's Catwoman: Scene Two

"How've you been, Catwoman?" asked Trip Winter as he approached Selina. He was hoping she would respond, "Is that a huge cock in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" because he currently had a huge cock in his pocket. Actually it was in his pants but it looked like it was in his pocket.

"Making score after score," Catwoman lied since she hadn't scored at all since she received the near fatal head injury after Batman kicked her off of her motorcycle while going close to one hundred miles per hour. "Without your help, Trip Winter," she spat. She felt saying his whole name would not only accentuate her anger but it also might help the readers to remember who this Bruce Wayne look-a-like was. But just saying his name might not be enough, so Selina continued, "You disappeared on me. Left me holding a bag of loot with no getaway car. Why?"

"We had a good thing, Catwoman," Trip Winter lied. And to really put a point to the fact that he was lying about the good thing they had, he followed that statement up with "But I can't trust you." Because not trusting somebody is always a solid foundation for having a good thing. It's possible the "good thing" he was referring to was the sexual chemistry they had in the lab. And by "lab" I mean "bed." And by "bed" I mean "anywhere Trip could put his thingy into Catwoman's thingy." Feeling that the matter was settled, Trip had one final thing to say to Catwoman. "No one can." That ought to make her feel bad because obviously Trip Winter knows her much better than everybody else knows her! Catwoman squirmed against the wall as Trip made such a piercing observation of her untrustworthiness. She hissed and batted a paw and zipped out of the room.

End Scene Two

Roulette informs the last contestants that they have won Round Two which was prowess in combat. So that wasn't the Dexterity Round? Is it possible Ann Nocenti's horrible writing ability tripped up a Master Comic Book Reader like myself and I made a mistake?! When Roulette mentioned the Dexterity Round last issue, was she talking about the puzzle box invites that she sent out?! If so then Roulette sucks as a Game Show Host because she never actually mentioned that Round Two would be a big fight. She just said "Let the games begin" or something and everybody just seemed to know that they should beat the shit out of each other.

Anyway, now the contestants have to pull off a heist. And they're competing against criminals all over the world. So I guess Mirror Master doesn't fucking understand the rules of the game any better than I do! That idiot actually thought there were only four contestants! Scudder is a jerk!

Anyway, here's Roulette describing the heist (along with some other dumb stuff):

Why is Mr. Stone's head on fire?!

So a house that has been boarded up for two hundred years is now an archaeological dig site. "Careful! Careful! Open that door slowly so you don't break anything! Dust the floor carefully so you don't miss any pubic hairs! Watch out for the pipes when you start digging in the floor!"

Catwoman changes into her costume and heads out to the dig site. On the way, she passes a bar where the lights are flickering. Of course she realizes that means that Volt is in the bar. What else could it mean? Nothing, that's what else!

Catwoman saves Volt from getting his ass beat because I don't know what the fuck is happening. Did Volt get kicked out of the contest or not? I guess after proclaiming he had a right to compete, he decided he needed a drink more. Because as we all know about Volt (or are learning right this second, anyway), he can't lay off the sauce!

Unless asked nicely.

Ann Nocenti really has no idea what she's doing. Who is buying this fucking comic book? Besides me! I get a pass since I tell everybody that isn't buying it that it's still horrendous. That's valuable information!

Since Detectives Alvarez and Keyes decided they didn't feel like going through with their undercover sting of Roulette's Race of Thieves, they've headed back to the office which Catwoman bugged many issues ago with a camera that looked right into Alvarez's crotch on a daily basis. Now the camera has fallen to the floor and Gwen is concerned that it isn't showing the outline of Alvarez's penis against his tight detective khakis. Catwoman doesn't care about that because she just wants to hear what they're discussing. And what do you know?! They're just sitting there spouting information about the Viceroy Manor Dig! What luck! Remember: knowing is winning!

Since Nocenti's stories never make any sense, maybe I'm making a mistake trying to write about them. Perhaps I should just make a list of all the stupid shit in her books? That might hurry things along since writing a commentary on Catwoman takes a lot of energy out of me as I smash my face into the wall and tear out my hair and fall into a psychotic rage.

A List of Ann Nocenti's Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

1. The Viceroy Mansion dig is not an archaeological dig at all. It is a two hundred year old cold case murder scandal! Maybe it's both! The archaeological crime scene dig is being guarded by snipers and anti-aircraft and radar and you name it. This is a situation that makes complete sense if this murder scandal is based on some ancient cult of the Old Gods.

2. Catwoman takes time out to compare herself to a "tethered horse watching stallions pound by her." It's poetic and beautiful and sounds way more sexual than it probably should. Especially the part about the stallions and the pounding! Also that part about the tethering! Scandalous!

3. Alice Tesla brings up those gaslamps from the first issue. Why did Roulette need them, hmm? Curiouser and curiouser, Ann Nocenti probably wished she'd made her say but instead I did! I suppose she brings them up because they'll have something to do with Roulette's ultimate goal which, if the reader is lucky, will never be exposed because this comic book will be cancelled soon. Although its monthly numbers are still abnormally high because comic book fans are idiots that follow characters instead of well told stories. Jerkos.

4. Catwoman states that the other thieves are going high-tech, so she's going to go primitive. I don't know how she knows how the others are going high-tech! She just mentioned that she hates not knowing what the other racers are up to! It's why she compared herself to a horse!

5. Catwoman makes fantastic similes.

6. The archaeological dig is turning up valuables locked away in blocks of ice because not only does Gotham sit on enormous caverns full of the unwashed masses but it also seems to exist on a full scale Pengo video game.

7. The woman in charge of the dig is looking for evidence to clear her family name. Instead she finds valuables worth millions of dollars. Shoot!

8. Rita Viceroy discovers a painting of an ancestor that looks just like her! That's such an original idea that I should write a story about it! I will call it "The Painting That Looked Like Me But Was Super Old!" It will have a twist ending where the painting was actually a time traveler and it really was a painting of me!

9. Selina once again works for the Suicide Hotline instead of the Crime Hotline because it's easier to prevent suicide than it is to prevent crime. Unless the statistics show differently. Which they probably don't.

10. No mention so far of the other Race of Thieves Contestants. I guess they're busy doing research and thinking up stupid similes and building weapons as well.

11. For some reason, the coroner is really upset about the Viceroy Cold Case being reopened. What the poop does he have to do with it?! Why would he be upset if they overturned any conclusions made 200 years ago? Oh! Oh! I bet it was his coroner ancestors who killed the Viceroys for their money and he's been benefiting ever since!

12. Rita Viceroy and the privatized coroner have a moment to share Ann Nocenti's research into inventions that were once invented. "I love things being invented!" "Oh! Oh! Me too!" "So good." "Yes! So, so good." "Let's do it!" "Okay!"

13. Catwoman tracks down some gum on a shoe. You can tell they're gum on a shoe because they say things like "Yeh" and "Whattayawant?" That's totally corrupt gum shoe speak!

14. Catwoman helps the shoe gums to steal lots of stuff from the site! But they can't steal the gigantic golden elephant or she'll stamp her foot and yell, "But we had a deal! Poo!"

15. Catwoman doesn't want the stupid gold elephant anyway. How can she move it on her own?! She just wants some dumb old papers.

16. Golden Glider and Mirror Master finally arrive because they were probably off doing it while Catwoman was busy with her convoluted plan.

17. Vice and Swindle arrive last because they were probably off imploding while Golden Glider and Mirror Master were busy with doing it.

18. Vice makes a heavy lifting comment without mentioning his penis. He is classy!

19. Everybody betrays everybody else in an orgy of betrayal. That's why this issue was called "Gauntlet!" I mean, that's why this issue's cover said, "Betrayal!"

20. Mirror Master does unspeakable things to a golden elephant's behind.

21. Volt arrives drunk and is knocked out by Catwoman. She either claims he has delirium tremens even though he'd only been sober for an hour or two before getting drunk again, or she's making another bad simile where she says he's "grinning like an idiot with delirium tremens." Because delirium tremens make idiots smile because they're too dumb to be terrified and uncomfortable.

22. Mirror Master makes a quick calculation about how valuable the Golden Elephant is. He's really good at math and approximating and guesstimarking because when he brings the elephant to Roulette, she comes up with the exact same estimate in the exact same way with the exact same wording! Coincidence or horrible writer?! As a Reader, you probably think it's just a coincidence! But as a Writer, I know which one it really is!

23. Catwoman wins the Heist Round because knowing is winning and she knew that love letters were more valuable than stripping and melting a golden elephant down to fifty pounds of gold worth one million dollars!

24. Selina has now been hired to the Gotham Police by a transfer coroner that was brought in by private money. Something about that doesn't sound right!

Catwoman #31 Rating: -3 Ranking. This comic book might be worse than Scott Lobdell's Superman. It's kind of hard to tell because how do you tell the difference between really shitty garbage and really garbagy shit?