Sunday, April 30, 2017

Deathstork #17

"I spy with my humongous eye something tiny that begins with D."

Last issue, I mentioned how angry Power Girl's fake boob window was making me. But then she got shot through the torso with the Infinity Rifle. That shot was taken from a higher advantage (because she was normal height and Deadline was standing on a car) which means it should have created a hole in her costume right around her tits and come out the back right around the top of her ass. She recovered but her costume probably shouldn't have recovered. Which means Power Girl should now have a boob window as well as a butt crack veranda. I'm all over that costume.

This is part six of the story called "Twilight." I feel like no stories should ever be called "Twilight" ever again.

The issue begins with a conversation between Slade and Billy Wintergreen. Wintergreen now has Deadline's Infinity Rifle and is storing it for some time when Slade needs to fight Superman again. Or kill him for a contract. Whatever. You never know what tomorrow will bring when you'll do anything for a paycheck.

I can practically hear all of the Deathstork Fangenders screaming their heads off after that characterization of him! So many people want to see him as a hero. But he's just a guy who kills people for money! Stop projecting your feelings of wanting to fuck him onto his morality!

While Slade is on the phone with Wintergreen, Beast Boy stops by to see if he can get into Power Girl's panties. Oh, sure, he simply asks her if she wants pizza. But since Gar Logan is a serial sexual harasser, we all know where that's going to lead.

I can practically hear all of the Beast Boy Fangenders screaming their heads off about that characterization of him! So many people want to see him as funny but he's really just a desperate pig who won't take anything less than a starbolt to the groin as an answer.

Beast Boy happens to notice Slade in the other room and his rectum falls out. He's all, "Oh shit! I've got all of these memories in my body that seem new but aren't new at all! They're like these red and blue memories but they're merging so that I suddenly remember that Deathstork is like the Teen Titans worst enemy ever and he once got the young girl I loved killed! And also statutorily raped before that! I need to end his life!" Gar turns into a gorilla and screams, "Call the cops! Call the Justice League! Call anybody but the Teen Titans!" But Power Girl is all, "What? Why? Oh, him? That's Deathstork? I mean, I knew it was Deathstork and not some blind jerk I was helping! I totally have this covered. Now exit the door and don't try to get back in and just leave the comic book completely even though you know my life is in very real danger! Good bye! We'll get pizza next week when I probably won't be dead!"

Power Girl figures Deathstork heard the encounter with Beast Boy since he went blind and not deaf. So she slinks into the room and asks him if he's going to kill her. As if he could! She just proved that she can basically heal from anything if she simply grows to giant size! So Deathstork is all, "Don't worry, young lady who is definitely too young for me to be fucking. You and all young women like you are totally and historically safe with me! Double wink!" He says "Double wink" because he's used to people not being able to tell when he's winking because he usually has that patch over one eye.

He does like to lie with little girls! Also...Roscoe can talk?!

Meanwhile in Minneapolis, Rose teaches Hosun about the Kiss of Death. Unless maybe she's just really happy that somebody, somewhere, finally told her the truth about something. Does that work? Does telling women truthful things that they don't want to hear get them to sleep with you?! I've been doing it all backwards and telling them lying things they totally want to hear! No wonder I still don't know what a vagina looks like! I bet it's like a doughnut, right?

Back in New York, Power Girl threatens to take Slade into the police now that she knows he is an assassin. So Slade does something that all of Slade's Fangenders finally won't be able to go along with. Maybe they can justify fucking a teenager and getting her killed. Maybe they can justify killing whomever he wants for the right price without letting any kind of justice but his own ethics decide. But how will they justify this dick move?

He murdered a fucking dog! He's as huge a monster as Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason!

This scene is why I love Priest's Deathstork book and why every other Deathstork book has failed until now. Slade will do anything — ANYTHING — for his own benefit. Before this moment, Slade tells Power Girl that there are no heroes and no villains. That "people simply do what they do." And that's how I want to see Slade written. He is not the upstanding, ethical hero who knows when it's right to kill. He's just a fucking guy doing what he needs to do for himself and, sometimes (though not often!), his family. And when a writer decides they need to make Slade likable at any cost, it costs the book its personality. Ironically, Slade needs to do wretched and unpopular things to be likable. He has to be Slade Wilson. He needs to be free to be Deathstroke. Most writers up until now just haven't had the stomach for it.

Power Girl, obviously, flips the fuck out when he murders her dog. Now Slade, blind and without a guide dog, has to figure out a way to get away from Power Girl. It shouldn't be too hard. It's not like she's an experienced Teen Titan that knows Slade's tricks and behaviors. It's not like she's like the guy she kicked out who just wanted pizza and could totally have helped her catch Slade. Hopefully he knew better than to simply go home and forget about seeing Slade in Tanya's apartment. This might be the beginning of that whole Judas Contract thing. I mean Lazarus Contract!

Slade manages to track down his suit while evading Power Girl, thanks to his glasses' connection with Ikon Suit Wintergreen. Ikon Suit Wintergreen is all, "I cannot come up with a plan to kill her." And Slade is all, "Whoa, what now? I don't want to kill her! I just want to fuck her! OH!" And the suit is all, "Dude, you should probably hope that the Superman Reborn story did not include reintegrating you with your Terra history." And Slade is all, "No way! That's one sweet ass memory!"

Slade escapes to live again but at what cost? How many Deathstork Fangenders have just decided this is the worst version of Deathstork ever? They're wrong, of course! This is the absolutely finest characterization of Deathstork I've seen in a comic book with his name on it. This is the Deathstork I keep writing about which almost always gets me yelled at by Deathstork fans. Usually those fans are fans of the Slade from the Teen Titans cartoon, so they can be forgiven for not truly understanding what Slade Wilson really is. But now they know! He murdered Tanya's pet for pretty much no other reason than to make her hate him and cause her to be distracted by the pain of loss while he escaped her. What a fucking dick. I love it!

Although I still hate that Tomasi and Gleason had Superboy kill his mom's cat Goldie because that's just fucking painful. He will never get over being responsible for the death of a family pet. Never! No matter how much Pete and Pat try to pretend it didn't happen. Goldie had better get the chance to return to life like every other superhero! Hopefully whatever weird shit is going on in the ground around the Kent Farm and Deadman's Swamp will bring Goldie back. But she'll be different! They never come back right! You reap what you sow!

Meanwhile, Rose (like the Deathstork Fangenders) is having a nervous breakdown after realizing just how big a monster her father is. But Wintergreen, Slade's spin specialist, PR Agent, and all around conscience in waiting, spends some time on the phone trying to convince her (and himself) that Slade's better than he appears to be.


Oh, and just to be clear: Ikon Suit Wintergreen explicitly mentions how Slade killed the dog. I only say that because I'm less than trustworthy in the way I usually relate events in the comic book. But he did kill Roscoe. Snapped his neck like a doggy biscuit!

Meanwhile, Joseph is having problems of his own. Etienne just discovered that Joseph was fucking Dr. Ikon on the side. And because of that, she lets Joseph know that she's been fucking Slade on the side. So I guess that's why he's going to have to murder her. Or at least that's giving him a reason to murder her so all of the Wilsons are now suspects! I know she isn't dead yet but the comic book keeps showing the scene of her dead in her wedding gown so I'm assuming it's going to happen. But who will do it?! Rose the angry sister? Joseph the beta cuck? Slade the dog murderer?! So many people to choose from!

The Ranking!
+1! I never would have thought that I'd raise the ranking of a comic book where the lead character just murdered a pet. Context is important!

Nightwing #19

This month: Nightwing takes over on drums for Styx on their revival tour and Damian Wayne trips!

The Review!
If you're into naked man ass, you'll love page two of this comic book! If you're also into huge birds of prey, you'll fucking ruin your underwear over page two of this comic book! So good!

Nightwing battles Deathwing in this issue while saying all of the things that I just said about what's wrong with superheroes in my commentary on Justice League #19. Defacer also says some good stuff. They're standing up for heroes being heroes. Sure, Simon Hurt is targeting Nightwing personally which is the main thing I hate about the state of comic book stories. But it's okay sometimes if the writer has a story to tell. And the story here is that Dr. Simon Hurt wants to ruin the purest super hero DC Comics currently has. He wants to take away everything that makes Dick Grayson better than Batman, better than Superman even. He wants to hurt him and take away his humanity and his kindness and his optimism. Dr. Simon Hurt thinks he can make Dick better by making him a weapon devoid of his human side. He sees the human aspect of Dick Grayson as being weak. But it's the strongest part of him.

Don't worry, people into naked woman ass! This comic has something for you too!

I haven't really discussed Deathwing much because I can't remember much about him. Here, he's just a Dollotron. But the original Deathwing was from the Team Titans future. I was rereading The Titans, Team Titans, and Deathstork but stalled about a year ago before getting to the Deathwing reveal. It's too bad because I bet I'd have some really smart things to say about his appearance here, if only I could remember anything about him! I think maybe he was fucking Mirage? Or maybe the original Dick was and then when Lord Chaos was defeated, perhaps it changed Dick's future so that he became known as the asshole Deathwing. Maybe I should get back to rereading those before this story arc is finished so I can reestablish my credentials as Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Right now I'm failing!

Nightwing defeats Deathwing by cutting him with the blade from the other end of the universe. It causes people to see various future realities. Apparently the one Deathwing sees is the one that turns him into a scared little boy who never wanted to become a dollotron. That seems far-fetched! Who wouldn't want to be a sexless dollotron with no sense of identity?! It sounds like bliss.

Nightwing leaves Defacer to coddle Deathwing and rushes off to stop Dr. Hurt from killing Damian. He finds Dr. Hurt waiting to monologue before killing Damian. He's all, "Batman was forged from tragedy but I can't figure out the tragedy to forge you! But you were still cracking jokes after seeing your bleak future and after seeing your girlfriend about to be turned into living art. Well, let's see if you can make a joke when Robin dies at dawn! Did you hear me? Do you get it? Have I said it enough times yet? I said 'Robin Dies at Dawn'! That's clever, right? It's my origin story! Ah ha ha ha!"

Dr. Hurt stands over Robin's lifeless body with a bloody knife which causes Nightwing to stumble and fall into hell. The cover lied! It showed Robin stumbling! Stupid covers.

The Ranking!
No change! Even though Dr. Hurt is targeting Nightwing specifically, at least the only people being hurt are Dick's girlfriend and brother. Oh, and the dozens and dozens and dozens of people turned into Nightwing Dollotrons! But they don't matter, right? They're basically just like potted plants in the background. Nobody cares about their previous lives or what will happen to them when this story is over. It's best not to think about all the collateral damage that happens when villains specifically target heroes. That way leads to stories like Justice League's "Timeless" or DC's "Legends" or Superman's identity crisis or all the ones where people hate Batman or the Teen Titans or Wonder Woman or Aquaman. Actually, it's standard policy to hate Aquaman.

Justice League #19

I forgot to adult color this.

It's that time of month again! I mean, that time of every two weeks again! I wish there was an easier way to say that. I refuse to use the term "biweekly" until English speakers around the world hold a summit to disambiguate it. It can't continue to mean both twice a week and once every two weeks! I assure you that when the end of the world comes about, it will be due to a miscommunication between two people using the term biweekly.

So, um, anyway! It's that time of biweekly again (okay, so I cracked already! I'm going to use the term even if it sounds stupid in the context in which I've used it! Don't judge me! Especially when I'm about to seriously begin judging Bryan Hitch!) where I get to read a terrible Justice League story! Previously in this Bryan Hitch story (as opposed to previous Bryan Hitch stories which were basically the same as this one), a time traveler told the Justice League that they have to do what she says to save the world from some guy in the future. The Justice League, being dumb, said, "Okay! We're with you, time traveler who hasn't shown us any real identification or passed a Doctor Fate mindscan or was previously approved by Batman! We'll do it!" But now they have egg pie on their faces because that time traveler turned out to be Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time! I mean, sure, she did help them save the world from that future guy who was going to stick Earth in an interdimensional meat locker where the heroes would have been condemned to live out flashback episodes until the end of whatever time exists in a timeless space. But now that they saved the world from that threat, it turns out the person who helped them save the world in that way wants to destroy it in another way!

Let me stop myself here because I realized I'm telling the entire story incorrectly! What really happened with the first antagonist is that they were trying to save the universe from DC Continuity. Since it keeps changing and morphing and fucking up space/time, Tempus from the future was all, "Maybe we should isolate this thing? Put it in quarantine until it proves it isn't going to destroy everything else in the universe." But Superman and Batman and the Justice League were all, "No way, dude! We are undoubtedly a huge danger to the cosmos but we also have a little thing known as freedom, bitch!" Then the Justice League defeated this guy because he wanted to save the universe in a way that they didn't approve of. Instead, they would rather keep endangering the universe simply to have the freedom to be assholes. So that first part of the story did not reflect well on Superman or Batman. The rest of the Justice League didn't really know any better, being that they're all stupid dum-dums (especially Aquaman). Now the shocking big twist second half is beginning where the time traveler has revealed that her plan is to destroy everybody with super powers who has ever existed. That's another way to go to save the entire universe but, yet again, it's not going to be a Superman and Batman approved way of going about it. So Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time, will have to be put in an interdimensional meat locker called The Phantom Zone. Which in no way makes the Justice League a bunch of hypocrites no matter how many times I think about it and come to the conclusion, "These guys are fucking hypocrites."

This issue does not begin with the title page I was hoping for: "Timeless Finale." Instead it's Part 5. It's possible part five is the final part but I've had my hopes raised up by the voices of sirens only to be dashed against the rocks of despair by life too many times to ever allow hope into my heart again. So I know this story is just going to keep going forever. It's right there in the title! Timeless!

For everybody who keeps wondering why I'm calling the new antagonist "Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time," this scan is for you. Obviously Bryan Hitch told Fernando Pasarin, "I want the Surprise Twist Big Bad to look like Dark Phoenix!" And Fernando said, "I will get out my tracing paper!"

If you're in a comic book and you're female and you suddenly reveal yourself to be evil, apparently your clothes begin disintegrating and you lose the top button on your jeans and you forget to put on shoes.

I feel I've been amiss in my review duties by not mentioning that in some future alternate reality, Lex Luthor has a mixed race daughter. I guess the human female reproductive organs he eventually implants into Mercy were from a black woman.

Superman's response to Molly (what kind of villain name is that?! I'm just going to keep calling her Dark Phoenix, if you don't mind!) is "Everyone with powers? Why?" I know what he's thinking. He's thinking, "Fucking Batman gets to live?! Why?!" Batman is probably doing the Cabbage Patch behind him right now.

Dark Phoenix's argument goes like this: the super powered people of Earth have become powerful in a way that doesn't aid in evolution and therefore they must be destroyed for the natural order to be set right. Or something. It's a little bit hard to follow because she's making a judgment as to what is necessary and what isn't necessary in the grand scheme of everything. She's one of those people who think the argument against playing God is an actual argument that makes sense. I thought the whole point of being made in God's image was to do everything that God would do! If we didn't strive to "play God," we'd be going against the prime directive instilled in our creation! We were made in His image so aren't we totally slacking off and not rising to our full potential if we refuse to play God?! Also, God doesn't exist so it's a terrible argument for why a person shouldn't do something. Although the basis of her argument is "I've seen the future and you're going to destroy the universe if you keep acting the way you're acting. So I'm going to destroy you instead." I suppose she could have said, "I'm going to ask you to stop being heroes" instead but she probably doesn't want to get punched in the face by Superman. Also, that would just wind up in another Watchmen or Kingdom Come story arc. And why read a Bryan Hitch version of one of those stories when those stories were already told as well as they could be already?!

While Superman and Jane (who later gets knocked out and becomes a conehead, so I guess she's J'onn's daughter from an alternate future?) battle Dark Phoenix, Batman flies off to get Superboy for some reason. It probably has to do with his being half-human or a child or something. He'll probably bring Jon to Dark Phoenix and say, "If you want to kill us all, I want you to start with this young boy! Kill him first, personally, and we'll allow you to kill all of us!" Then the arrow will fly exactly where aimed and Dark Phoenix will be unable to murder the human baby. I mean Jon.

Meanwhile all across time, the rest of the Justice League are learning that they've been partially duped by Dark Phoenix. Yes, they saved Earth from being moved to the end of space and time. But they've also given Dark Phoenix all the power of everything so that she can destroy them all. Whoops! So now they need to destroy the devices Dark Phoenix gave them which will strand them all through time. That's okay though because they're heroes. Plus it's not like Batman or Captain Atom haven't already done this whole trick of being displaced in time and still managed to find their way home.

Oh. Apparently she has no qualms about killing a young boy. I guess Batman was just sent to save him because Superman realized this was what the bad guy always does if given the chance. Can't hurt the hero? Kill their pet! Or, you know, child and wife, which is almost as bad.

Batman saves Jon and Lois by taking Molly's blast full in the face. He's knocked unconscious so he can't save them from the second blast. Luckily, the Justice League reappears at that moment to shut her down. I guess the Infinity Corporation took care of the time travel stuff. Molly makes sure to tell the Justice League that everybody is now going to die because they selfishly refused to be killed. I guess they'll just have to defeat The Watchmen the usual way that consists of lots and lots of punches!

Vincent, Jane, and Alexis of the Infinity Corporation have a bit of an epilogue where they're all, "Now we have to do what we came to this universe to do! With the help of Superman and the Justice League, we're going to set everything right! It's the only way to reinstate the universe of infinite Earths so that the Earth which we're from never gets destroyed by the Anti-Monitor! Unless it's something else that isn't as obvious and more probable."

The Ranking!
-1! I've yet to be won over by comic book stories that point out that the super heroes are the main threat to the safety of everybody on Earth. Fuck that stupid nonsense. It's kind of a terrible state that comic books have been placed in due to writers deconstructing the way super hero stories have been told for years. Super heroes began as inspirations. They were there to defend the innocent and help the helpless. But eventually lazy writers decided it was too hard to think up a story where the villain plotted to do something villainous and the hero had to figure it out and stop them. So instead they just began writing stories where the villains outright attacked the heroes. This happened for years until somebody was all, "The heroes make the places they live more dangerous because they're always the target of the bad guy's attack! Why are people standing for this?!" Then came the wave of "heroes have got to go!" bullshit stories. And so now we live in a world where superheroes are not inspiring because a whole shitload of dirtbag writers got the wrong message and decided superhero comic books were just about punching and violence. So it was okay if the only story was that the bad guy and the good guy fought. And now everybody's entire outlook of the superhero genre is that they're dangerous to civilians and they cause a lot of property damage just by existing and maybe everything would be better if they just went away? Well, I'll have no part of that crap! Can somebody please make the Justice League heroic again and not the enemy of all space and time? Please?

Superman #21

I guess this creature's name is Black Dawn?

The Review!
No change! Apparently there was a mystery happening in this comic book that I wasn't aware of until it deepened like crazy this issue. Batman's still missing (which is a mystery I knew about!) so he doesn't solve the new mystery instantly. He may already have solved it but since he's in the Dairy Farmer's walk-in freezer right now, he can't explain it to anybody. The mystery of all mysteries is who the fuck is the Dairy Farmer and his daughter and their cow Bessie?! Are they New Gods?! Watchmen? Sex cyborgs? Apparently they're somehow keeping Jon's powers in check so that he doesn't hurt himself. But they have powers of their own. Like the Dairy Farmer can look deep into a dog's eyes and make it fall in love. And the daughter can make heat vision beams miss her completely while strangling Damian without using her hands. And Bessie the cow can make milk that Spider-man once wore as his costume in the nineties until it turned on him. So that's some weird shit that's going down in Hamilton County.

Another weird thing is the house in Deadman's Swamp. I'm still hoping it's the House of Mystery since this story is all about mysteries. At the end of this issue, Superman heads off to investigate it.

In other news, somebody on Tumblr was upset that I tagged my Batwoman review with the Batwoman tag because the content wasn't to their liking. It always amuses me when young people think they have the rules to the Internet and other people should act exactly as they do. The Superboy fandom once got on my dick about my Superboy tags too, a long time ago. They didn't like that I was mocking Superboy because it was written so terribly. They would rather believe that no matter what shitty writer was writing Superboy, everybody should still say nice things about him. But that's what's ruining comic books! You have to speak out loudly against shitty writers even if it means mocking your favorite characters! You can't just love them unconditionally or else you'll spend years reading Teen Titans comic books written by Scott Lobdell! And you'll fucking deserve it too!

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Super sonS #3


The Review!
-1 Ranking! Damian and Jon bicker and argue as they fight robotic versions of themselves created by Kid Amazo. Neither kid is likable in this context. Every time Damian meets a new person, do I have to be exposed to his penchant for being a complete and utter arrogant dick to them? I like Damian but I'm growing tired of the superficial, lazy way of writing his character. He's a blowhard who has to constantly state how much better he is than everybody else when I just wish he'd grow up (just a smidgen!) and prove he's better than everybody while keeping his fucking trap shut. And Jon is just portrayed as Damian's constantly kicked dog. How many issues did it take for Damian to supposedly become best friends with the Teen Titans? Can we just get to that point here as well? I want to see these two kids get along. If Damian really wants to be a better Batman, he can start by treating his Superpeer better than the way Batman treats his.

There was also a robot girl who's not entirely a robot because she's also a little girl (but a robot!). It's not as Japanese sexy as it sounds because did you not read where I said she was a little girl?! Pervert.

Friday, April 28, 2017

Batwoman #2

"Eat my motherfucking pussy!"

The Review!
The word "motherfucker" is a great word if you don't think too much about it. I began thinking too much about it after typing that caption and now I'm sick with the opposite of an Oedipal Complex.

This issue begins with this Narration Box: "If you wish to cause yourself pain, how would you pick your target?" Um, look in a mirror? "Hey! I want to cause me pain. But who am me? Show me my target, mirror! OH NO! It's me!" I'm purposefully misunderstanding the Narration Box because it's poorly written as fuck. "Poorly written as fuck" is an example of something poorly written as fuck. I did that on purpose because I apparently wish to cause myself pain and have chosen to target my writing ability. You can't see it now but I'm weeping inconsolably.

This comic book references pussy eating the way a Flash comic book puns on speed. So it's no surprise that it begins with Safiyah (that name alone is practically a pussy eating reference!) drizzling honey into Kate's mouth directly out of a honeycomb. I know that's a metaphor for pussy eating because I've heard the Alice Cooper song where he calls a vagina "velcro candy sticky sweet." See? Sticky sweet like honey!

Remember Honeycomb cereal commercials from the eighties? "Honeycomb's big! Yeah yeah yeah! It's not small! No no no! Honeycomb's got a big big taste! A big big crunch for a big big bite! Pussy eating!" I think the first time I masturbated was after seeing that commercial where the biker crashes into the kids' treehouse and they sing about eating pussy.

This issue is called "The Many Arms of Death Part 2: Running Up That Hill." That's totally about orgasming a lot due to clitoral stimulation.

Silly baguette penis! This book is for lesbians!

Batwoman has been reminded of her lost year (or is it a "Lost year" as in she crashed on an island that she couldn't get off of for a year and not she took some time off to find herself year?) because she found Safiyah's dead butler on a dock in Italy. Or Greece. Don't assume I'm a terrible American with terrible geography skills! I'm a terrible American with a terrible memory and I can't remember where she was investigating the Monster Venom Terrorists. But now she's decided she needs to deal with Safiyah and that the Monster Venom Terrorists can wait. I mean, she only started her own monthly series to stop the terrorists so why not just shrug off the danger and go eat some lost year pussy?

Batwoman ditches Julia Pennyworth to find out why she was almost murdered by an assassin who was a close associate of Safiyah. She heads up to Safiyah's old bar (closed down and now owned by the Kali Corporation (get it?! Kali! The many arms of death!? Pussy eating?!) which was called The Desert Rose. That's totally a euphemism for a vagina. I learned that from Shakespeare. Whenever he talks about a rose, he means a vagina, no matter how many times he says a rose by any other name is still a rose and totally not a vagina and never mind why I put my hands down my pants every time I say rose.

Batwoman battles the assassin unimaginatively known as "Knife." She battles her poorly and must be rescued first by Julia Pennyworth's Bat Drones and then by the warlords who lived on the island under Safiyah's guidance. They might not be super excited to see Batwoman though since she's somehow responsible for the island falling apart. Probably because she broke Safiyah's heart when she moved back to Gotham.

No more pussy eating takes place this issue because Kate is too concerned with finding out what happened to the island. Apparently it was taken over by the Kali Corporation and Safiyah didn't fight it because she was too sad. Instead, she left the island and disappeared. So now I guess the Monster Venom Terrorists can continue to destroy the world while Kate resolves some conflicts from her past.

The Ranking!
No change! Guess what? It's another story about an evil corporation! Take that, corporations! Artists think you stink!

Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye #7

Cave Carson probably suffers from acrophobia (not to be confused with agraphobia which he probably also suffers from).

Cave Carson's need to hide in caves is telling. It's why I think he suffers from agraphobia, an extreme fear of sexual abuse. By exploring caves, he's metaphorically crawling back inside his mother's womb. It's the least sexy place a person can hide. I probably have more examples of why he suffers from agraphobia but I just distracted myself by thinking that I've insulted Cave Carson's mother by comparing her womb to a cave. I also began thinking about how most phobias are just "a fear of X!" But agraphobia is "an EXTREME fear of X!" since most people are like, "Yeah, dude, I totally don't want to be molested. That would suck." So that's just a normal fear! I think the "extreme" descriptor should be added to a lot of other phobias as well. Like arachnophobia! Everybody is frightened by a spider when it just appears out of nowhere and is touching some part of your body like some aggro agraphile. But after the terrifying realization that the most disgusting and alien looking creature to ever live alongside humankind has decided to crawl across your arm, most people can deal with it normally. By normally, I mean thinking "Where the fuck did that spider go?!" after the ten second full body convulsion and series of high pitched screams have sent the spider across the room and running for some shadowy Cave Carson's mother's womb.

Uh oh. I think I just gave myself a new phobia! Arachnoagraphobia! The fear of being sexually abused by a spider!

Cave Carson has been suffering from impotency for years. It caused him to be unable to explore caves in a winky kind of "you get what I mean?" kind of way. It was probably caused by the death of his wife but it also might have been caused by his cybernetic enhancement. Sometimes it's hard to know what's metaphor and what's just a regular old story element. So does the cybernetic eye represent his penis because some fancy, well-spoken people sometimes call the penis a one eyed trouser snake? Or does the eye have a deeper, less immature metaphorical meaning? Does it mean he now suddenly sees too much and understands the world too deeply for his penis to enjoy itself? Or does the eye have nothing to do with his impotence at all and it's just a way to make the comic book's title more appealing to a generation enamored by affectations?

It also could simply be Oedipal. Cave Carson is impotent because he hates his father and he can't hide up inside his mother anymore because his drill doesn't work. And the eye is representative of Oedipus's blindness which itself was evidence of Oedipus's inability to truly see the way things were. Unless that wasn't part of that story at all. I read it so long ago that I can only now pretend to remember what it was about by grasping at the Freudian interpretation of all of our sexual problems through an old perverted Greek story.

How come Freud never talked about Oedipus's love of butt stuff? That's why he was at Colonus, right?! Isn't Colonus the Greek word for anal?

This issue is a flashback to the time Cave Carson met Superman.

This story took place in the days when a diverse crew meant three white guys with different colored hair, a white woman, and an animal sidekick. I'm not getting into the political and social deconstruction of what the animal sidekick was a metaphor for!

Apparently there's a huge system of underground caverns under Metropolis just like under Gotham. But Metropolis's cave system is more believable because it wasn't invented by Ann Nocenti.

Cave and his white team of whiteys discover Superman being attacked by a gigantic red crystalline creature. It looks like they'll have to kill this totally new and unknown form of life if they want to save Superman and Metropolis! It's a good thing Cave's drill was still working back in these old days.

The crystal creature had a bit of kryptonite embedded on its carapace which is why Superman needed to be rescued.

Me the first time I was anally fisted too!

Cave rescues Superman by dragging him into a hole which is just a smaller cave. He's a one trick pony, that guy! After that, they come up with a plan to defeat the crystalline alien. Superman will fly faster than the speed of sound causing a sonic boom which will totally annoy the creature and possibly give it tinnitus. Ha! Take that, jerk!

After the sonic boom, a piece of stalactite falls from the ceiling impaling Bulldozer Smith in a gory metaphorical display of the penetrative sex act! Covered in sex goo and blood, Cave Carson yells, "But that's not how it happened!" Oh no! This isn't a flashback story at all! It's a mind control delusion trapping Cave Carson in his memories so he can't finish off The Whisperer! The story from last issue is still happening!

Um, maybe!

In the awkward new memory of the time Cave saved Superman, his teammate and Bulldozer's lady, Christine Madison (MADISON!), begins making out with him. So this entire delusion has placed Cave Carson deep within the part of his mind that's creating his impotency. You might be thinking, "How is Cave Carson fucking a lady a metaphor for impotency?!" But if you were thinking that, it just means you're impatient because I didn't get to the part where Cave pushes her away and says, "I can't!" See? He can't! Not that he won't or that they shouldn't. He just simply can't because his dick doesn't work.

The Whisperer has been devouring Cave and his memories while also mentioning how impotent Cave has been in every aspect of his life up until this point. That inability to save his friends or his wife or raise his daughter or be responsible or unselfish has obviously resulted in the physical manifestation of those failings: sexual impotency. Just like I've been saying all this time. And look at this visual proof in the comic book:

See? His junk is blurred out! That's a representation of how it's useless!

Superman arrives to fluff Cave Carson. He mostly uses a pep talk but I can read between the panels. I see him using his super stroking motion to get Cave Carson rock hard and confident again! Also, Superman might not actually be here. Superman is probably just another metaphor, this one for Cave Carson rallying against The Whisperer's use of fear and flaccidity. It's a representation of Cave Carson's inner strength and resolve to be a hero not for himself but for the people who need him to be a fully erect hero.

After Superman cures Cave's impotency with a Kryptonian "Confidence Boost" (that's slang for a hand job), he throws him back at the vagina so Cave can fucking save the day. By fucking it!

It's got teeth is what it's got!

Cave Carson wakes up from his dream. He's still missing his cybernetic eye and a week has passed since he confronted the Whisperer in his mother's womb. Now the Whisperer is rampaging on the surface world destroying the city. But Cave is ready to destroy it because he's been made whole! This is evident by the way he smokes a cigarette immediately upon waking up from his week long coma. He's all, "Oh yeah! I just came all over the inside of my pants for the first time in a decade and now I'm engaging in an oral fixation to show that I'm ready to fuck the Whisperer into submission!" And his daughter is right there to fuck it alongside him. Um. Gross.

The Ranking!
+1! I'm really enjoying this comic book! How many of you thought my impotency reading of the story was just a joke all this time? Because it wasn't and it totally isn't. This comic is all about Cave Carson's dick not working. Because that in itself is a metaphor! For, you know, being a powerless failure. So this story is kind of the reverse impotency metaphor. Usually the story would be all, "Cave Carson is impotent! Why?!" Then he'd struggle to regain his power. But this comic is all, "Cave Carson is powerless! Why?" Well, it's because his dick doesn't work.

Thursday, April 27, 2017

The Wild Storm #3

If I'm reading all of the subtle clues correctly, Jenny Sparks will be introduced this issue. Hooray!

Previously in The Wild Storm, several corporations who are also black ops organizations have sent death squads and CATs to murder nipple-free Angie Spica. I had to look up her last name because I wanted to type "Spica" but I kept thinking, "That can't be right. That's racist, isn't it?" It's not racist. What is racist is my brain that is always so terribly worried about appearing racist that it winds up overcompensating in certain situations, thus proving it's totally fucking racist. Thanks, Global Media! It's your fault I'm so concerned with how I appear instead of just being myself (which totally isn't racist, by the way! I mean, probably not that racist. Thinking Italians are annoying extroverts isn't racist, right?).

Speaking of annoying extroverts, I passed a guy on Hawthorne Boulevard today holding up a sign that said, "I need weed." Fucking people whose entire identity is wrapped up in the fact that they smoke weed can all go to hell. I don't care if people smoke weed. That doesn't bother me at all. But people who make it their entire shtick can go fuck themselves. I suppose my biggest problem with it is how people can bond over such superficial and shallow similarities. I bet being stoned makes it hard to realize that the person you're getting stoned with is a complete and utter bland asshat whose most exciting conversation is about Project Cloverleaf, which they bring up every time they get stoned. I get that meeting people with similar interests is a bit of a gateway to maybe making friends. But it seems that when weed is involved, people are far less discriminating in the friends they make. Sure, I'd probably hang out with some other people who like comic books for at least one afternoon. But they're going to have to bring a lot more to the table than their knowledge of every death of every Robin and every woman Peter Parker has almost fucked. I need to know what they think of Montuak, the Orgone Box, and Project Cloverleaf as well! Also have they ever seen a Chupacabra?! If so, it was probably a raccoon with mange.

The main problem with this comic book is how many corporations there are. I also have to keep track of which CEOs work for which corporations and what covert agencies are tied to those corporations and which CATs belong to which covert corporations! And this is just the start of the comic book! Pretty soon, I'm going to have to keep track of which of them are Daemonites too!

I would read this comic book. Especially since it looks like it was written and drawn by Chris Ware.

As you can see from the above scan, The Wild Storm takes place on an alternate Earth. DC Comics exists on that Earth and that's where all the mainstream superheroes currently reside (also on television shows like The Doom Patrol. Why isn't that a CW show? The Wildstorm Universe's television programs are way better. I'm stuck with Arrow when I could have The Doom Patrol?!). But all of the businesses and newspapers and cities that you expect to find in the DC Universe, you'll find here. Like The Daily Planet and Kord Industries and the Galaxy Network and probably Lex Industries and almost certainly Wayne Corp.

Currently, Jenny Sparks is wandering through all of the media platforms scattered around our daily lives. She's also probably thinking about snogging me! She's also a bit more like John Constantine than in her previous incarnations when she was only mildly like John Constantine.

Thank the Maker (the Creepy Crawlies Maker, my one and only God) for Jenny Sparks and her Wall of Tying Things Together!

Up in Montuak, the first wave of People Pursuing Angela Spica appear before her from out of The Bleed. It's Grifter, Savant, and the other one. Also, I'm not totally sure about Savant. I'm trusting Jenny Sparks' Wall of Tying Things Together to be accurate! They're Jacob Marlowe's CAT. I really want to type "CAT team" but that would be like typing "ATM Mouth." Anyway, they want to offer Angie safety from International Operations (also from Skywatch although Angie might not understand that she not only stole from IO but also from Skywatch by means of the transitive property (my brain often keeps things from me and I couldn't remember the term "transitive" so I had to Google "a = b = c then a = c") because she saved Marlowe's life. She pretty much doesn't have any choice but to except or else somebody with dead or death in their name is going to come kill her.

Before Angie can say she accepts their offer, the door blows off the vault and three Black Razors march in. Luckily Grifter is here to think, "I can move guns with my mind and also shoot things really good! I will use those abilities to save the life of this woman who seems to not have any nipples. But first I must put on this ridiculous mask that I can somehow constantly see through and it somehow hangs off my face just so. It probably has something to do with my Daemonite blood. That's right! I have Daemonite blood, I think to myself as if I need to explain that to myself!"

For some reason, Grifter doesn't produce one Narration Box at all! What's wrong with him?! This new Grifter just isn't the same. Grifter without Narration Boxes is like The Engineer without nipples.

Have I mentioned how much I miss Angie's nipples enough?

Savant blows up one of the Black Razors with an exploding bullet while Grifter spends the majority of the fight doing flips while shooting upside down. Meanwhile, the Other One (Adriana, the robot one that can send people through The Bleed) took some shrapnel in the face and is now bleeding tears. She's also speaking Greek.

The IO control team begin trying to assess the situation and what went wrong.

That's always been my biggest fear too since I read WildC.A.T.s #1.

The IO lead (I forget his name, okay?! Miles Craven, maybe?) tells the Black Razors to self-destruct and destroy everything around them since they're apparently a bunch of losers. Meanwhile, Angie flies through the roof to escape. Savant, Grifter, and the Other One are left behind to be destroyed. Probably. I can't see how they'll survive the demolition!

The Ranking!
+2! This is really fucking good! It's like the exact opposite of storytelling back when Image first started!

All Star Batman #9

I hope this literally happens in the comic book.

The Review!
Why does this comic book cost $4.99? Is it because the cover is stiffer than other covers? I bet I could make a really immature joke about that if I were more immature! But I've grown as a writer. Otherwise I would have pointed out that, on the cover, Ra's is about to use the Washington Monument as a Bat-Butt-Plug.

The issue begins by hoping the reader hasn't ever heard of that René Margaret's painting of a pipe that isn't a pipe. Or maybe it's hoping that you've heard of it so that when you read "This is not a Batman story," you instantly think, "Hey! That's totally artsy fartsy! Like that art movement where Marcel Dumbchump admired urinals and people smoked pipes that weren't pipes!" Maybe this is the first DC Comic book to have Dada Issues?

Before any Actually Nerds actually me, I know Morrison's run of Doom Patrol dealt with Dada Issues.

Since this isn't a Batman story, I now have to use my brain to figure out what the story is actually about! Dammit! I hate using my brain.

That tower isn't a tower.

Whoever is behind the end of the world (according to the cover, Ra's, I guess?), tells Batman that the three previous issues were just informative displays to teach Batman about the three most likely ways the world will end. The first two choices make sense: cataclysm and plague. But the third way he says the world will end is solipsism. That only makes sense if you're a pretentious asshole who is claiming that it makes sense. Does the world end when one believes that they can't truly know it because it resides outside of themselves? Maybe but not in the same way the world ends with a cataclysm or a plague. I don't think you can say the world ends with a philosophical argument. I mean, sure, anytime somebody starts speaking philosophically to me, I want the world to end! But it doesn't. The person just goes on and on and on, philosophically masturbating into my ears. Sometimes I shit myself just so I have an excuse to leave the room.

Ra's tells Batman that he used to think the Washington Monutower was a sword. But now he thinks it looks like a penis. He says "pen" but I know that's just because he didn't get to finish his thought. Obviously he's thinking it's a penis and he's going to use it to fuck Batman. Remember, this isn't a Batman story! That must mean it's slash fanfic.

Bruce and Ra's wind up battling inside the Washington Penis for the fate of the world. I know this isn't really slash fanfic so my mind is still trying to figure out what kind of story this is if it's not a Batman story. Could it be a Superman story? What other kinds of stories does DC Comics tell?

Ra's winds up shooting Batman in the face and shooting Duke in the back of the head and ending the world with his techno-demons. That's why it's not a Batman story! Because it's a Ra's story! It's the story where he wins! Except he can't win, right? I didn't see "Elseworlds" on the cover. So I guess Ra's is probably living some kind of delusional life the way Batman lived one in the last issue.

See? It actually was a Batman story! Just like the pipe is actually a pipe even though it isn't a pipe also at the same time!

Batman is all, "This is a Batman story after all!" Oh man! And I thought I was going to have to use my brain to figure out what kind of story it really was. What a great big trick Scott Snyder just pulled on all of us! He totally wanted us to believe it wasn't a Batman story so we'd be surprised when the Batman book we purchased actually turned out to be a Batman story! Unless...whoa. What if he was telling the truth from the beginning? What if this really never was a Batman story?! That means I need to figure out what the fuck I just read.

Ra's flies away on a Man-bat while Bruce falls out of the Washington Manupenis. But he's caught by an actual Blackhawk! So now he knows the Blackhawks really do exist even if they're supposed to be a super secret undercover black ops team! I guess they don't mind if Bruce knows they exist. He might figure out a way to send them a check.

After the story ends with a shocking twist horror movie ending that probably won't actually pan out in any way or mean anything more than a phone battery dying, the Cursed Wheel backup story is finally going to end. It's supposed to be telling me why I should like Duke Dukington. It hasn't been working so far.

And it still doesn't work. The Riddler puzzle doesn't make any sense. I don't remember why Zsasz was part of this. I don't care about Duke's parents and I don't know why this Daryl guy (his cousin? Bloom? I don't remember!) is harping on him to admit that Duke's got super powers. Apparently Duke does have super powers. He can see people as spaghetti beings. Then Batman solves the riddle that was supposed to be solved or something and something and I don't know what's going on. I'm guessing this story makes sense if it's all read at one time instead of a full month between reading each part. Also, this isn't the end like it says it's the end. The stupid story continues in some shit called Dark Days: The Forge.

The Ranking!
No change. Scott Snyder really doesn't write as well as I thought he wrote five years ago.

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

The Flash #21

Hey! This cover is a spoiler for the end of part one in Batman #21! I'm glad I don't look too closely at the covers when I buy my comics.

Like last issue, this issue begins in a place where people are locked up against their will. Last issue was Arkham and this one is an old folks home. I almost put a possessive apostrophe on "old folks" before realizing they don't own shit about the place and it's just a descriptor of the misleading noun "home."

Last issue, Saturn Girl was upset and had to be wrestled to the ground and punched repeatedly and probably Tazed for being disruptive. This time, it's Old Man Thunder screaming from the rooftops at the genie who abandoned him. I guess the Legion of Super-Heroes and genies were edited out of the universe when the Watchmen took control. Saturn Girl probably survived by hiding in a Time Bubble. While hiding, she must have kicked the controls which sent her back to Gotham in the year 2017. And all time travelers to Gotham eventually wind up in Arkham because time travel is loony tunes!

Oh! The Watchmen didn't just hate genies. They hated stories that took place in DC's past and future! That's why they tried editing out time travel. Little did they know, Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell would be too stupid to follow the no time travel rule. I believe their defense was that the time travelers from the future were from an alternate timeline that wasn't Flashpoint and could therefore time travel! Jerks.

Back at the Batcave, The Flash has strung crime scene tape all over everything. Why? Who the fuck is going to stumble into the Batcave and destroy evidence? Alfred? Or maybe Alfred? Possibly even Alfred? Since it's only Alfred, maybe tell him to stay the fuck out for a bit. I suppose Damian might also blunder in but when has anything ever stopped Damian before? He's not going to respect the boundary of the yellow police tape!

The Flash spends pages and pages Narration Boxing. This issue is simply reminding me why I dropped it in the first place! Williamson has no trust in the medium. He needs to pad the writing to make sure everybody completely understands that The Flash is a forensic detective and that he worked hard to become one and that his super powers don't help him with that and the he got his powers in a lab and that his mother was killed by Thawne and that his first crime scene was his mother's death and that every detail of a crime scene can be worked out by just looking at it and how Thawne came from the future and how Thawne was his nemesis for some reason and...and...and...well, lots of other stuff as well. Maybe that's why Howard Porter drew police tape all over the Batcave. Because he had nothing else that really needed to be drawn since the Narration Boxes did all the heavy lifting.

Eventually, The Flash stops explaining things to the reader and engages in conversation with Bruce.

How could you tell it was with a capital G?! Even if you could see his speech bubbles, all DC Comics' letters are capitals!

Obviously it would be God with a capital G. Otherwise Thawne would have said, "I saw a god!" But he said, "I saw God." So the only reason Bruce needs to explain the whole capital G thing is if he believes Barry Allen is a fucking dope. Oh, yeah. That totally explains it.

Batman and Flash discuss the crime scene and come to only one conclusion: the button is now missing. World's Greatest Detective and Master Forensic Scientist my ass!

Oh yeah! I haven't said it yet even though it was obvious from Batman #21: God is Doctor Manhattan. Although that would mean Eobard Thawne is way more mature than I am because my last words would have been "I saw God's penis!"

The Flash leaves Batman in bed to go investigate on his own because he's had a really stupid idea!

Let's fuck with time again! Because that never hurts more than it helps! Ever!

The Cosmic Treadmill was being stored in a room on the Watchtower called the Hall of Lost and Found. It's where everything that was destroyed due to the New 52 has now reappeared into continuity since Rebirth made it all viable again. But it all needs to wait to be remembered and reintroduced at some point.

Batman arrives before Barry can do anything stupid. But he doesn't arrive to stop Barry! He arrives to help him fuck up continuity even more! What a jerk! Although I suppose if Rebirth is all about returning all stories to continuity, characters should be free to fuck with time to their heart's content now! Go back in time and impregnate Ma Kent, Bruce! Who cares?! It'll all just work itself out somehow. Plus how cool would it be if Superman suddenly had to constantly deal with his slacker Bat-Brother always crashing at the Fortress of Solitude and getting into tons of mischief?

Did Greg Rucka approve this statue?!

That Frank Cho statue has far less nipples and buttholes than I would expect.

Batman hops on the treadmill with The Flash and manages to time travel by holding on with a bat-grapple. I was really hoping he would have to ride on Barry's back.

While time traveling, Batman and Flash see an old version of the formation of the Justice League where they're super fucking nerdy. "Let us form a league to fight evil!" "Right, good buddy! Let evil shake in their boots!" "Check out Wonder Woman's shorts! So modest!" "And our bulges are hardly manly at all!"

They also witness the moment Barry disintegrated in Crisis and Barry makes sure to point out that what they're witnessing isn't from an alternate universe at all. These stories — all of them! — are from their universe! But how can that be?! They're all so contradictory! It's going to do in the heads of all the continuity loving fangenders!

Eventually the Cosmic Treadmill crashes and burns. The Flash and Batman find themselves in the Batcave of Thomas Wayne of Flashpoint! OH NO! They've gone and fucked it up all over again! I can't wait for The New New 52 beginning next fall!

The Ranking!
No change! I almost gave this a positive review because I love Howard Porter's art and because I love when The Flash fucks up continuity (especially when he does it with Batman! Has that ever happened before? So good!). But then I remembered how much Narration Boxing The Flash did and my boner dried up.

Batman #21

This cover is haunted.

My cousin Jehoshaphat has been soaking his underwear in anticipation of this story. He's never even read The Watchmen but he's heard it's really good and he knows that the button was big in the Watchmen branding in the eighties. He probably expects me to explain all of the Watchmen references to him. I expect that I'm going to lie about a lot of them when I do.

I just noticed how thin they've made the lenticular covers. What a great advancement! Although it still adds an extra dollar to the price. What a rip-off.

The issue begins in Arkham Asylum where the inmates have been allowed to watch a hockey playoff game between the Gotham Blades and the Metropolis Mammoths. One of the insane people watching is Saturn Girl and she begins to flip the fuck out because apparently somebody is killed during this hockey game which leads to the entire Legion of Super-heroes being killed. That's crazy. She definitely belongs in Arkham. A playoff hockey game has never mattered at all in the history of anything.

Meanwhile in the Batcave, Batman is obsessing.

Batman sets the button down next to Psycho Pirate's mask (which he really shouldn't leave lying around like that) which causes a rip in the Speed Force. Oh good! I was hoping the story would be absolute and utter nonsense! I suppose you can't have a story about changes in DC Continuity without the Speed Force being involved somehow.

Batman calls up Flash to let him know that he's getting his stupid speed force all over his shit and The Flash is all, "Start the sixty panel battle with Reverse Flash countdown. I'll be there just in time to not help!"

This Reverse Flash isn't the Danny West Reverse Flash who was sent back in time in the pages of Suicide Squad (which totally wasn't a death and didn't count even if he has yet to reappear). No, this is the Eobard Thawne Reverse Flash. I think that means he's a lot scarier. Apparently he was dead until the button had Speed Force sex with the Psycho Pirate Mask. Now he's been born again and he's ready to beat the crap out of Batman! I bet he also knows some secrets like how he was killed by The Watchmen so that he wouldn't interfere with their editing of DC Continuity.

Reverse Flash finds Bruce's letter from his Dad From Another World. He recognizes it as the Thomas Wayne from his world so this Eobard is from Flashpoint. Hell, it's Eobard Thawne. He's probably from all the continuities and realities and futures and pasts and Speed Forces.

Eobard must be speaking in super speed because I can't fit each of these bits of dialogue into one second.

Reverse Flash possibly kills Batman because The Flash is late. Then Reverse Flash picks up the button and pulls the old "Crisis on Infinite Earths Disintegrating Revelation" routine. The Flash was delayed because he tried to save the hockey player who was beaten to death on the ice due to nobody in Arkham listening to Saturn Girl's warning. By the time Barry arrives at the Batcave, he finds what's left of Reverse Flash and what's left of Batman.

The Ranking!
-1! I know this is just the first issue and it's supposed to tease the reader with intense plot boners but I was hoping for a little more than just a brawl between Reverse Flash and Batman. On the positive side, more people died in this issue of the comic than have died in the current run of Suicide Squad! Possibly more than the last several runs of Suicide Squad! That book has a terrible name.

Detective Comics #954

Ra's shows off his big dick.

The Review!
In this issue, Batman gets fucking duped by Ra's al Ghul. He has a history of being duped by al Ghuls. This time probably isn't as bad as the time Talia scraped Bruce's Bat-semen out of the condom carelessly tossed in her bathroom trash can and then incubated Damian in a glass womb. But it was close! Ra's convinces Batman that they can work together to defeat the Court of Shadows and then he yells "Psyche!" while blowing paralytic powder into Batman's face. Ra's then gives Batman to Shiva as a peace offering so that Shiva will stop kicking his ass and killing his men. But that's not the most important part of this comic book. No, the most important part of this comic book is James Tynion IV introducing us to his Mary Sue character.

"The fans are going to love me! I mean him!"

The reason I know this is James Tynion IV inserting himself into the comic is that James Tynion IV loves to fuck guns. So it's totally obvious. This guy may have been introduced in an earlier issue and I just missed it because he didn't make a big deal about fucking his guns. I don't think he gives his name but the other member of Black Alpha Total Mystery Aggression Nerd Squad's name is Cooper. He has lots of tattoos and is also bald. I think he's James Tynion IV's penis's Mary Sue character.

The Ranking!
No change! I wonder how many people on Tumblr instantly declared this gun fucker as their favorite character? I hate him! He's immoral! It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Smith and Wesson! Oh, also his mustache is stupid.

Action Comics #977

Gross. This is like watching a video of your own birth.

I'm glad nobody videotaped the moment I was born. I'm even more glad that it was never filmed and I never stumbled on the video at fourteen and decided to jerk off while watching it. So glad that totally didn't happen.

The Review!
Superman feels uneasy about how DC Continuity has changed and he has to consult the history crystals in the Fortress of Solitude to convince all of the Fangenders that the DC Universe has been completely fixed! You know, if you thought it was broken. If you didn't think it was broken, it's still the same as the not-broken universe you remember. If you thought it was beyond broken and DC had shit inside your mouth and then grabbed your upper and lower jaw and forced you to chew and laughed in your face the entire time, DC wants you to remember how that didn't happen at all now. Because they said so. Every DC Comic book story that you can remember is once again part of DC Continuity. Don't let any other fangenders bully you into believing otherwise with their "facts" and "scans of stories that contradict scans of other stories." Just ignore those bitter old Actually Trolls and believe in the DC Universe you want to believe in. Superman says it's okay, even if you, like Superman, feel a bit unsettled about it all.

The Ranking!
+1 because even though this issue is really just the punctuation on the Superman Reborn story and a bit of reassurance that everything has been set right (whatever you think "right" means in this context!), the story continues doing the only thing I wanted out of Rebirth: a strong sense of denial about every DC Reboot ever! Just take the blue pill (unless it was the red pill (maybe it was both the red and blue pill?)) and accept everything you're being told. Shh. Shh. Don't fight it. You'll enjoy the DC Universe much more this way.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #18

The Green Lantern Corps are cursed to play imaginary keyboards!

Before reading this issue, I have a question about the ending to the last issue. Kyle's white ring separated into seven different rings which all took off to find a new host. One of those rings was an Orange Ring. But there's only one real orange ring, isn't there? Does this mean DC's going to be publishing a Larfleeze civil war type comic book where he goes to battle with whoever winds up with the new orange ring? Or will the orange ring simply rush off to Larfleeze because he's just that greedy? I hope it goes to Scrooge McDuck.

The Review!
This issue begins by reminding me of the main reason I can't stand the concept of the Green Lantern Corps. Gorin-Sunn and Space Ape respond to Gorin's ring's notification that a "universal criminal code statute" is possibly being violated. So they rush off to the scene of the crime to do their police work. I despise the idea that the Green Lantern Corps are simply universal cops on patrol busting people for breaking some mysterious set of laws put in place by who the fuck knows what. I suppose the Guardians? Anyway, I'd rather they simply patrol the universe searching for people or planets in distress that need help. They should be more like EMTs and fire fighters than beat cops. This whole police shtick is way too authoritarian for my liking.

Space Ape and Gorin-Sunn encounter a planet full of willpower and angry, sharp crystalline creatures. The scene shifts after the creatures attack so I'm going to assume Gorin-Sunn and Space Ape are dead now.

Rings don't kill people. Alien freaks wearing rings kill people.

I feel like the Blue Lanterns might take umbrage with calling their rings "guns." I would say the same of the Violet Lanterns but I've heard the Bon Jovi song.

Speaking of the guy with the penis on his head, Saint Walker is sent off to recruit more members to the Blue Lanterns. It's probably poor timing to find any members on Earth.

After a big brawl between the Green and Yellow Lanterns which ends when Guy and Arkillo stumble onto the scene to proclaim that they're Green and Yellow Jesus and they beat each other up so the rest don't have to, Rip Hunter cracks time and stumbles into Salaak's base of operations. He's wearing a Green Lantern ring and he's got a message to get the plot moving: The Green Lanterns have been erased from the future! Wait. Is that against the law? If it's not against the law, the Green Lanterns probably shouldn't investigate it.

The Ranking!
No change! Here is the plot progression of this comic book: Prologue to the plot! Stuff that doesn't matter to the plot but needs to be expressed so that Fangenders don't keep going on and on and on in forums about how the Green Lanterns and Yellow Lanterns are getting along way too eagerly. Lanterns ready to investigate the prologue to the plot to get the plot moving in the way stories usually work. Rip Hunter shits all over everything and yells, "Shortcut to plot! Danger! From the future!" The end.

Wonder Woman #20

I wonder if Frank Cho sees Rucka allowing sexy Wonder Woman covers like this where she's casually jerking off a sword and rolls over in his perverted grave?

The Review!
If you're into feminism, you'd better be reading this comic book! Also, you should be into comic books. I'm not into this comic book which poses a problem because I'm really into feminism. At parties, I'm always all, "Hey! How about that feminism? Pretty cool, right?!" Then when nobody talks to me, I throw an incomprehensible tantrum while using phrases like "nice guy" and "total bitch" a lot. You'd think women would be all over you when you proudly proclaim you're into feminism! And I suppose some of them kind of act intrigued but then they want to discuss it and they lose interest pretty quickly when you ask them if they're drunk enough to take off some clothes.

All that being said, this issue — Issue #20, by God! — is the first issue I truly enjoyed. Why the fuck did it take this long to get to the story, Greg Rucka? I hate unnecessary prologue! I mean, some of the previous story could probably be considered necessary. But not a lot of it! A lot of it was boring garbage!

Some questions you were probably too bored to ask were answered this issue and boy were they doozies! Here's one that was answered: Will I ever get to see a panel where Circe strips naked? The answer to that one was yes! Another one was this question: Are the dogs, Deimos and Phobos, any relation to the gods, Deimos and Phobos? The answer to that one is no! I mean, they are Deimos and Phobos and not relations of them. Why would you think some gods would be related to dogs? Oh yeah, that's right! Because the Greek gods fucked anything that moved!

The Ranking!
+1! Finally! An issue of Wonder Woman worth reading. I mean, some of the other ones were worth reading too. But only if you needed to fall asleep quickly.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Gotham Academy: Second Semester #8

When did this comic book take a left turn on What the Fuck Avenue?

The Review!
Batman is chastised with the modern view that he's a monster who simply beats up on people with mental illnesses and then the love of friends and family and warm hugs saves the day. Well, it saves this day, anyway. Olive disappears to continue her arsonistic rampage across Gotham as Cal-Amity Arkham possesses her body. Hopefully Batman will speak nicely to her and not punch her in the face to get her to stop burning the city to the ground.

The Ranking!
No change. Pomeline didn't get naked.

Suicide Squad #15


I understand that people get angry with people who don't vote because they know the people not voting almost certainly wouldn't be voting for the Republican candidate. So that can be frustrating. But the Democratic Party has a problem and it isn't one of the ones everybody thinks it is. The problem is that they offer too many good choices during the primaries. If you have even two candidates that are both intelligent and capable but differ in staggeringly important positions (like the Wall Street thing and the maybe doesn't care enough about minorities thing), you're going to really split your base. And the last thing you want to do before an election against the most ignorant group of people in the world is split your base. Because even people who think they're ethical and smart will simply turn out to be stubborn tantrum throwers who will refuse to support the person who beat the person they were supporting. I mean, I've never seen a 49ers fan rooting for the Seattle Seahawks in the Superbowls after losing to them in the playtimes. The Democratic Party needs to check out what the Republicans do to solve this problem and do that. And what do the Republicans do differently during the Primaries? They offer their base a dozen bland, boring, ignorant jerks who are all basically the same old stodgy white male who can only spout talking points about being anti-abortion and anti-taxes and pro-xenophobia and pro-euphemisms for racism. They're all pretty much the same and none of them are ever leadership material. The Republican Party just needs a fuck puppet who can sign their name while sucking corporate dick. That isn't as easy as it sounds! You can't really work the shaft properly or caress the balls if you're fiddling with a pen. This lineup of mediocre vanilla pudding ensures that nobody in the base will be too angry when their pick drops out. This is why the Republicans were turning against Trump before they realized he won and had to hide the boners in their pants. They were worried that the Republican pick would finally alienate some of their base and that those people would realize that Fox News is a big bag of lies and Hillary was actually a pretty good choice for Republicans (especially over Trump). Sure, maybe they'd have to suck it up and actually vote for a woman. And maybe they'd have to look a little closer at Fox News and possibly realize that it's Red America's state propaganda channel. In the end, it was just easier to keep doing what they've always done forever: just get your ass in the booth and vote for the Republican candidate because that's easier than thinking. Plus abortion! Yeegads! Spook diddly doo! Gotta keep it from getting our precious kids! Oh, and we'll need all the guns for that, especially the automatics! Plus, have you seen how hard my erection gets while firing one of these things?! I just have to concentrate so I don't Onan all over my jeans and make God angry.

I don't know why Republicans are so against abortion. Don't they all believe that liberal commie leftists are the only ones to get abortions? That means they're destroying their own base, one fetus at a time! Or maybe they all believe Family Ties was real and that every aborted liberal baby would have been the next Alex P. Keaton.

I just need to remind people that Donald Trump is an embarrassment and everybody who voted for him an ignorant twat. Also Bernie Bros who refused to vote for Hillary because emails and Wall Street? Samesies. I voted for Bernie in the primary because I've liked him for a long time. I voted for Hillary in the presidential election because she was possibly the most experienced and capable politician to run for president in my lifetime.

The Review!
As I've pointed out before, Amanda Waller is currently skinny because John Romita Jr. can't draw fat women.

Not that he can draw any body type particularly well.

Now that Amanda has appeared to yell, "Surprise! Everything is different than you thought it was, Rustam!", Katana slips out of her bonds and chops Deadshot's hand off. That's okay. He probably wasn't using his left hand too much anyway. Except probably to masturbate. That might seem improbable but I'm right-handed and I masturbate with my left hand. I switched up decades ago when I was still a teenager because I was masturbating so much that my penis was curving to one side. I had to even it out! Eventually, I just got used to using my left! Plus, it's much sexier this way.

Guess what? Harley Quinn also isn't dead! I know, right?! What the hell! Suicide Squad? More like Cozy Time Fun Blast Squad. I bet Hack didn't die either! And I bet Deadshot's cut off arm was one of those fake plastic Halloween ones that my creepy uncle pretends he's wearing when he touches all the cute young mother's butts.

The Burning World Buddies realize maybe they should be named the Suicide Squad as Captain Boomerang cuts off Ravan's head and Killer Croc begins to eat Manticore and Enchantress casts a death spell on Jinn. Or Djinn? Whatever.

Finally, Deadshot shoots Rustam in the back because Deadshot always works for Amanda Waller. He works for her so hard that he's willing to have a hand cut off while doing it. It was obvious he was still with the Squad or else Katana would have cut off his right hand. Even for Deadshot, it's tough to make accurate shots with his left wrist pistol when he can only look out of the scope visor over his right eye.

In the end, it turns out Amanda was controlling everything the whole time, just like everybody reading this knew. So obvious. I was just joking when I kept repeating that Amanda Waller was really dead. I never actually believed it for once! No, really! I didn't! I just said it for laughs! Seriously! Why won't you believe me?! I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, dammit!

Later, Amanda checks out Hack's body down in the morgue so she can say a thing she's never said since The New 52 began.

If by "some," you mean "a few Man-bats here and there," then sure, I guess.

Deadshot gets a new metal arm because it's cool and shit. Plus he gets to see his daughter and spend a weekend on the coast with her. Apparently the only way to get Amanda Waller to play nice is if you open a fucking vein for her.

Amanda Waller explains the magic of how she made it look like she died in the second story. It's the usual stuff, magic and assassins. Plus she explains that the president has given her permission to use General Zod in her Suicide Squad. Because why not? Nothing can go wrong there as long as she's got a little Kryptonite in her back pocket, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I totally don't believe Hack is dead! Fool me once, shame on you! Fool me twice, shame on you! Fool me three times, shame on you! Fool me four times, shame on you! Fool me five times, shame on you! Fool me six times, shame on you! Fool me seven times, shame on you! Fool me eight times, shame on you! Fool me nine times, shame on me!

Justice League of America #4

In my memory, this is every cover of Justice League International.

The Review!
Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo! Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo? Lobo Lobo! Lobo, Lobo Lobo.

Lobo Lobo Lobo: Lobo Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo: Lobo, Lobo, Lobo, Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo.


Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo; Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. LOBO!

Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Black Canary's Tits Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo.

The Ranking!

Thursday, April 20, 2017

New Super-man #10

Mmm! A savory Hostess Meat Pie!

The Review!
This issue begins with an unforgivable continuity error!

Snakepit attacked Clark Kent! People aren't supposed to remember that Clark Kent is Superman!

Okay, maybe this is forgivable and maybe it also isn't an error. Perhaps this takes place before Superman Reborn. Or perhaps Snakepit just doesn't keep up on the news so he still thinks Clark Kent and Superman are the same person (which they are but he's supposed to not think that anymore thanks to Mr. Mxyzptlk!). Also, who really fucking cares? I totally don't! That hole in my wall was already there from a different time I became really angry at a comic book. This time I didn't get angry at all.

On an unrelated note, how do you tell if you've broken your knuckles?

Kenan is really impressed by Superman's heat vision. He'd better hope he gets heat vision since he only gets one super power that relates to his eyes. It's either heat vision or x-ray vision. Oh wait. Kenan probably would rather have x-ray vision. For heroic reasons, of course.

Kenan opens Lex's Door to Hell again because Kenan is lazy and stupid. He thinks it'll give him super powers but instead all it gives him is loads of demons. Better loads of demons than demon loads! Brozingo!

Brozingo is what I say when I make a funny joke for the masses. It's a totally original exclamation!

Superman is all, "I'm sort of quoting Indiana Jones!" And Kenan is all, "I'm not!" Then they fight loads of demons.

Lex Luthor is dragged to Hell and Superman totally smirks a bit. I saw it! But Master I-Ching dives into Hell to rescue Lex, probably because there's a good chance he'll get a reward. It's the only reason I ever do anything for the greater good. The first thing I think is, "Will making the world a better place for people other than me grant me something in return?" If the answer is possibly yes, I'll do the thing and then tell everybody how I was totally paying it forward and now if somebody wants to pay their forwardness forward toward me, that would be cool. Because that's how it works, right?

I hate people who use the phrase "Pay it forward." I guess the only reason to do something kind is in the hopes that you will start some kind of movement of kindness. Which is sort of judgmental and sucky because it's almost like you're obligating the person you did something nice for into having to do something nice as well. At some point, the paying it forward will have to end. At that point, does everybody get angry at the selfish jerk who didn't do something kind after having something kind done unto them?

I like to pay it forward with insults. You call somebody an asshole and then you know they're going to be so angry that they'll call somebody else an asshole later! Ha ha! It's like playing anger dominoes.

Master I-Ching drives away the demons and saves Lex but they become trapped in Hell when Dinner Party closes the doors behind them. It's proper etiquette! Lex Luthor doesn't mind because it gives him some time to speak with Skeleton In The Closet Superman.

The China White Triad flee the scene leaving Superman, The Fla-sh, and New Super-man to locate the Ox-Head and Horse-Face Hell Rings so they can open the door to Hell and rescue Master I-Ching.

That totally makes sense because X-Ray Vision is mainly used to give a person super boners which are located in the thigh region.

Once the doors are reopened, Kong Kenan meets Ox-Head and Horse-Face themselves! They kick out the humans, take back the demons, and return the rings to Hell so nobody can bother them again. But before they do that, Kenan asks them about his parents. They tell him his parents have not arrived in the afterlife. Shocking twist! I mean, at least for his mother. His father was shown earlier being held in a Bacta Tank in the Ministry of Self-Reliance's secret lab.

After the battle, Lex kicks Kenan out of his building without even giving Master I-Ching a reward. If only Lex could find somebody who loves him!

Superman tells New Super-man that he's going to need his help when Crisis!: Who Causes The Crises? takes place. Then New Super-man goes back to China taking The Fla-sh along. China is going to have the best Justice League ever! And also the cutest. Although they won't be truly great unless they can get themselves a Lo-Bo.

The epilogue reveals that Ching Lung is actually Master I-Ching in disguise! He's up to no good while also being up to good! Can he do that?!

The Ranking!
+1! If you're not reading this comic book, I don't care. Do whatever you want with your life!

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Supergirl #8

Check it out, kids! A free digital comic book on this $3.99 comic book that used to cost $2.99! What a deal!

So DC Comics has decided they can no longer draw the line at $2.99 on monthly comic book titles. But what they can do is distract everybody with a free digital comic code! I'm super angry about this right now! Not because I have to pay an extra dollar on the monthly comic books but because I could be talking about Emerald Empress's tits! I particularly like the giant one leaking milk in her right hand! Wowzers!

The story begins with Kara being excited by a visit from her cousin, Superman. That's because she's forgotten that the only time he comes to visit her is to criticize the way she chooses to live her life. It's always "Wear underwear when flying around the city!" or "Don't stick the Kryptonian memory crystals in your vagina!" and "Stop immediately punching people in the face when you meet them!" and "Stop constantly exploding your vagina!" He has a lot of advice on what she should do with her vagina. Krypton is a lot more like Earth than people realize.

Why would he bring up the time she died as an example of cousins getting together?! That's not sexy at all!

Supergirl is about to remember how awful visits from her cousin can be when he begins to explain that today is a Kryptonian holiday: The Day of Truth! On this day, "Kryptonians tell only the truth, no matter how blunt or brash." Holy fuck. That sounds like the worst holiday ever. I have a feeling most Kryptonians took the day off work and locked themselves in a dark room until it was over. The problem with that kind of holiday is that most people's "truths" aren't truths at all! They're just terrible opinions a person thinks which they want to label as truth so they don't sound quite as horrible expressing them. What The Day of Truth really sounds like is a woman's every day experience on Twitter as sea lions harass them endlessly with "logic" and "reason" and "polite discussion." And of course Superman's first thought on The Day of Truth was to go harass Supergirl with some of his "truths." I said it at the end of the last commentary when he appeared! Superman only visits to tell Supergirl how she's living her life incorrectly. Even when she died in the crisis on infinite Earths, Superman made it all about him!

How about saying, "Go to hell, you prick! Why aren't you spending the day with Lois, hmm? Is it because you know this holiday sucks ass and you'll just wind up saying a bunch of shit you'll regret later?!"

I bet Superman totally just made up this day.

I wonder if the Kryptonian Fox News affiliate had to go off the air on this day?

Luckily for Superman (because if Kara is going to tell the truth, Kal's about to get buried in some), Emerald Empress begins attacking a cement mixer in downtown National City. So instead of attacking each other in the spirit of the holiday, Supergirl and Superman fly off to speak some truth to Emerald Empress. If Superman doesn't say, at least once, "You are so fit!", I won't believe he's taking the day seriously.

Supergirl can't remember why Emerald Empress is mad at her. That makes sense since Emerald Empress is from the future. She's probably mad about however this battle ends. Also, she has apparently already tracked down Saturn Girl in Arkham Asylum and learned that Supergirl destroyed her life. Again, I'm betting Supergirl destroys her life because Emerald Empress attacked her for no reason on the Day of Truth (even if the reason is that Kara destroyed Emerald Empress's life because she attacked her on the Day of Truth for no reason).

Supergirl explains that magic cannot hurt iron. And she says it out loud on the Day of Truth, so it must be truth. But I think she's wrong about that! I think the iron has to be smelted by a Rabbi or spit on by a priest before it can become an anti-magic talisman. I don't think Ford built their engines out of anti-magic iron. I definitely know Volkswagen didn't!

Supergirl defeats Emerald Empress with an engine block so Emerald Empress teleports away but not before truthfully saying, "This isn't over! Lots of people hate you! You might want to reconsider punching people in the face when you meet them!" Meanwhile, Batgirl voyeurs through batnoculars from a building across the way. I bet she just solved the Mystery of Supergirl's Missing Underpants!

Superman and Supergirl fly off to the Fortress of Solitude to eat dinner with Clark's family on the Arctic Express. I don't know why there is a train sitting outside the Fortress but I'm sure the reason can be found in a Golden Age story I've never read.

So she can't use contractions but she understands the way we categorize extended family? I don't even understand that shit!

After dinner, Superman and Supergirl play catch between the Earth and the Moon using the Supermobile. I would have used the Bottled City of Kandor.

Since it's the Day of Truth, Superman finally gets around to what he wants to discuss. He needs to tell Supergirl about how he is now the Superman of every DC Universe. I know Superman Reborn only showed two merging but that was probably due to limited space and/or artist error. I won't believe that DC needed to fix Preboot Superman by integrating him with New 52 Superman. That's like pissing in a milkshake to make it more palatable. No, Preboot Superman has definitely integrated with all of the Supermen that have ever appeared in any non-Elseworlds DC Comic book. And in so doing, apparently, he's changing all of the other characters into their united forms as well! The only thing stopping the process from being truly complete is a tiny dicked blue man on Mars.

Don't think about it too hard or for too long! Shh, shh. Just let it be.

Meanwhile, Simon Tycho apparently isn't a gelatinous butler encased in crystal (unless he became a sentient AI unit in Supergirl's Underwater Fortress of Secret Shame?) anymore. He's back running Tychotech and stealing technology and generally doing bad corporate things and pretending he's not a poor man's Lex Luthor. Also involved in corporate espionage (probably)? Batgirl! Everybody is looking into the rumor that Tychotech has developed (or, you know, stolen) the next big step in green energy. Catco, the DEO, and Batgirl's company (whatever it was called. Luke Fox's Cock Industries?) are interested!

The Ranking!
+1! This comic book became so much better when Cyborg Superman was removed.