Animal Man #28

Who is in charge of the copy on the front of these comic books?! Did they not get my message about thesauruses?! If I see "unleashed" on the cover of one more fucking comic book from DC, I will fume impotently.

Last issue, Brother Blood was about to choke a five year old girl to death. It's not as bad as it sounds though! Because he can't rule The Red while this five year old girl lives and he really wants the job. So he's not killing her for no good reason! He's just ambitious! He's got the good old can-do American Spirit! Anything to succeed! Most people would be proud of him! Except Maxine's a white girl, so he's actually probably going to get in a lot of trouble for this.

I received a call yesterday that was some kind of Amber Alert for pets. Somebody lost their dog Snookypoo three days ago near my residence and I guess that was good enough to deputize me into the posse to head out and find that varmint. I have to admit, I didn't go looking for Snookypoo. You don't go out and look for a lost dog. A lost cat you might be able to find but even then, almost all you can do is wait. If a cat has gone missing, it's either dead or wounded. If it's wounded and it heals, it'll come back when it feels like it's not going to die and it realizes how fucking hungry it is. A lost dog is only lost until it finds another human being to be its best friend. Then it's just a matter of whether or not the person that found the dog wants to take it to the pound or find the owner or keep the dog. But a dog doesn't just roam the streets being lost. I suppose the Doggy Amber Alert was the polite way of calling everyone in the neighborhood and saying, "Hey you fucks. Which one of you losers has this person's fucking -- what the fuck is its ridiculous name? Snookypoo?! Jesus -- dog Snookypoo, hanh? The dog may act like it loves you but it probably loves its owner more. Probably. I think. I guess it depends on how long you've had it. Fucking dogs are only loyal if you're in eyesight. Needy bastards. Anyway, the police will convict if they catch you with Snookypoo, ya hear?!"

While Maxine flails helplessly like the utterly useless five year old she is, her father is busy killing the last of the Totems.

Or at least blinding it by pulling out its horns.

Oh! Buddy kills it after the above scan by jabbing its eyes into its heart. So now the Parliament of Green and the Totems of the Red are all destroyed! Is the Grey going to take over? Probably not since Abby Arcane is the Avatar of the Grey and she doesn't really give a fuck about world domination. I bet The Rot gets powerful by feeding off the decaying bodies of the Totems!

Buddy hitches a ride on a giant raven to go help his daughter although it looks like she's finally filling her big girl Animal Boots and taking care of business herself.

I would have guessed she'd be channeling kittens.

After tossing Blood aside, Maxine says one of the first super hero retorts that actually touches me and fills me with love, hope, and courage! It brings tears to my eyes and I realize what I've always been deep inside: a five year old girl super hero.

I love this kid.

After kangaroo kicking Brother Blood to the curb, she makes Shepherd a brand new body. The rest of the Animal Pirates have defeated the Splinterfolk. The only two enemies left are Brother Blood and the main Splinterfolk guy, whatever his name was. Why should I remember? I'm sure Blood is going to sacrifice him soon.

Blood's last ditch effort is to pull Ellen into The Red and threaten her in front of her daughter. It's a totally bitch move. He's lucky the rest of the Church of Blood isn't there to see it. Man, only dirtbags go after family and loved ones. I'm sure Maxine could have handled it if given enough time but Buddy rides in on his giant raven to save his wife. Not that Ellen is totally helpless.

This family kicks ass.

I don't read the solicits or interviews with creators about what's in store for the characters they're writing because I like the stories to unfold naturally in the pages of the comic books. But I have heard a rumor that Animal Man will be joining Justice League Canada? If that's the case, I really hope Maxine and Ellen go with him. I hope Ellen takes an active role and the Bakers basically become what the Dibnys were to the Justice League. Ellen really seems to be embracing this thing and realizing her daughter is enmeshed in the super hero life no matter what they do, so she's definitely going to make sure she's involved. I'd love to see the whole family as integral parts to a new Justice League. Cliff can have a role too! He can fertilize the rose bushes.

Buddy and Blood clash and knock each other silly. And that's when Captain Shepherd's Animal Pirates fall upon Brother Blood. I don't know what they do with him but since they're pirates, I'm going to assume they just keelhauled his bunghole.

Buddy and Ellen and Maxine but not Cliff all hug and rejoice. Buddy tells them he'll never leave them again as the alien he promised to one day replace watches on.

Animal Man #28 Rating: +1 Ranking. This book has just gotten better and better. For awhile, I grew tired of Ellen fighting to keep her family normal when the evidence was clearly stacked against that ever being the case again. But of course she was a mother just trying to keep her kids safe at any cost. But now that she's embraced the crazy, she's kicking fucking ass and realizing that confronting their problems by kicking them in the balls is much more satisfying than pretending they don't exist. Ellen and Maxine are really shining now and I can only accept Animal Man in an incarnation where his family (and Socks!) take an active role in his superhero career.

Animal Man #24

I'm Team Brother Blood! That's a cool thing all the kids do, right? Make teams out of characters and shit? When I was a teenboy, we would say, "Golly gee, I sure as heck really respect Mr. Brother Blood! I wisht he were my uncle!"

I got into a bit of an argument with my downstairs neighbor a few nights ago about his late night music. As part of his evidence as to why I was wrong, he pointed out that I had horrible social skills. To which I said, "I know I do! I'm an anti-social recluse!" I don't know if he expected me to agree with his point but he was correct! I then called him a dick but he didn't find that characterization particularly apt. Man, I hate engaging with people and I particularly hate confrontations like this. I wonder what it was like on his side, arguing with a neighbor who could barely make eye contact with him? I just want to be left alone, dammit! Don't draw me out into the neighborhood to request some peace and quiet!

Apparently the greatest crime you can commit when living in a neighborhood is not interacting with the other people in that neighborhood. I should go to the next block party just to find out what the local legends are about me! I should also carry a big leather bound book covered in dried blood! Then when anybody says anything to me, I can scribble furiously into the book while occasionally glancing furtively over my shoulder.

One of my big fantasies when I was a kid was living in a completely abandoned city and exploring the houses of all the people that had suddenly gone missing. So that was my dream life. To be left alone while being able to explore the stories of the people that I didn't actually want to interact with previously. I like stories about people but I don't like to have to interact with people. I suppose that's why I have five times as many Tumblr Followers as Facebook friends.

Buddy Baker getting the good news!

Brother Blood may have infiltrated The Red by using Buddy Baker's blood but that's just the beginning. Blood has the backing of one of the Totems in the Parliament of Limbs and now it's time for them to go to war against the others. I hope there isn't too much battling between Creatures of the Red. Can we just get straight to the one on one cage match duel to the death between Brother Blood and Maxine? I may be an Initiate and Biggest Fan of Brother Blood but I really want to see him get his ass kicked by a five year old girl. So I guess I'm Team Maxine now!

The war kicks off with Brother Blood and his Totem Backer kicking the shit out of all the friendly, cute, benign animal Totems in the Parliament of Limbs. They don't put up much of a fight because they're peace loving peaceniks full of peace and love. Singing All You Need is Love might work to win a war in a cartoon but this is a fucking comic book! You need muscles and throat punches to win here!

See? This Totem gets it!

That Totem does get it too! His head ripped right off of his body! And then all the other Totems fall because it's The Red's turn to run amok and destroy the careful balance between Red, Green, and Grey. Except none of that can happen until Brother Blood murders a five year old girl. So good luck with that, Brother Blood, because even though this is a Teen Plus Rated Comic Book, I don't think little girls can be killed until you're in a Mature Rated Comic Book.

While war is breaking out in The Red, Buddy Baker gets a call from his wife Ellen informing him that their daughter has disappeared. And since she's a precocious little anti-hero, Buddy Baker probably knows that she's goofing off in The Red trying to save her brother Cliff. It's pretty much the only conclusion a person can come to.

Meanwhile Maxine and Socks and the Shepherd get the news that war has come to The Red. They need to find a place to gather their strength and their troops so they can make a stand. Which means they have to stop their search for Cliff. I must say, I didn't think Lemire would leave Cliff dead but I think that's what he's planning.

Even as The Avatar of the Red, she can't save everyone. It's an important lesson for Maxine to learn early.

I think this is a subtle difference between the lesson DC's big heroes learned and the lesson Spiderman learns. Superman learns through the death of his parents that he can't, ultimately, save everyone from everything. Batman spent his whole life understanding this which is why, I think, he's less traumatized by the piles of corpses left by the bad guys of Gotham. But Spiderman kind of realizes the opposite. He did have the opportunity to save his Uncle Ben and ignored it. The DC heroes learn about futility while Spiderman learns about responsibility. Ultimately, although tragic and sad, Spiderman's origin is more hopeful than the others. Unless it's all different somehow.

The Splinterfolk are sucked into The Red to be Blood's army. Back on Earth, The Church of Brother Blood has begun hunting down Buddy Baker to kill him. At first I thought Buddy would enter The Red to help Maxine, but she might be on her own. Buddy Baker recently had a falling out with the Totems and, I believe, was banished from The Red. So Buddy will have to make war on Earth while Maxine takes care of business in The Red. I guess. Maybe Buddy will just forget the whole thing and just enjoy his time at the award show.

I can't wait until The Chicken Thief movies are actually made.

Brother Blood's acolytes take over the award ceremony and send a message to Buddy Baker. They'll kill everybody at the show in an hour if he doesn't give himself up to be executed publicly. If Buddy doesn't give himself up, the movie industry will be ruined! Or maybe it will just save a lot of money as all the big name, big money actresses and actors are murdered by the Church of Blood. Movies still have to be made and now you can pay lesser stars less money and most likely get the same quality of acting (or better even!). Way to go, Church of Blood! Although what the fuck do I care?! It's not like that savings will get passed down to the moviegoer!

Animal Man #24 Rating: No change. There's a feel about this comic that brings me back to reading comics in my youth. A big part of the reason is that the bad guys have clear motivations that really don't rely on the hero of the book. Sure, they want to kill Buddy Baker and Maxine but that's only to help solidify Blood and his new Totem Master's power. Their main goal is to make The Red the most powerful force on Earth while they pull the strings. It's a fairly standard evil villain motivation but it makes more sense in this context than just a vague "I want to rule the world" mentality. Brother Blood has a perfect connection to The Red that I suppose I have to thank Howard Mackie and his editors for setting up. At least something decent came from The Ravagers comic book although Blood's character has been completely revamped here. Thank God! And by God I mean Lemire and the editors at DC that made the decision to change Brother Blood and not some unknowable cosmic entity that made it possible.

Animal Man #23

I didn't think it was possibly to design a more flamboyant costume for Brother Blood than his original. Although I did prefer his shiny solid black adult nappie on the original.

For all y'all that don't remember the original or keep his image locked in a secret lover's vault deep within your head like I do, here's the old version:

I often fantasized about being Brother Blood for Halloween back in junior high but I knew I would be sorely disappointed if the costume wasn't exactly right. And even though my mother had mad sewing skills (PROOF!), I knew no matter how great a job she did, I'd end up disappointed and sad.

Brother Blood is my Harley Quinn of The New 52. This is the character that I cherished and admired. Yes, I fucking admired Brother Blood, a cult leading psychopath! But how could I not? He tormented those pesky Teen Titans and he looked fucking fabulous while doing it! I could be angry about his change of appearance or how Howard Mackie completely fucked up his character in Teen Titans by giving him the personality of a spoiled rich kid that was acting out because he hadn't been able to fuck his sister's tennis coach because the coach was into "women." Although when I phrase it like that, it sounds like a pretty good character! Believe me, I livened it up with that description. Mackie's version in The Ravagers was an affront to cult leading psychopaths everywhere. But I'm not angry because I'm middle aged and I learned earlier than maybe most that change was what happens whether we like it or not. Hating the new doesn't get you anything except gray hairs and yelling at the neighbor's kids to get off your lawn.

Actually, the grey hairs and hating the neighbor's kids come naturally whether you hate the new or not. Fucking Alex. Shut the fuck up out there!

But now Lemire is writing Brother Blood and there's not a mathematical formula in existence to figure out how many percentages better Brother Blood's characterization will now be. I wonder if Lemire will over-punctuate Blood's dialogue for a bit as a wink to DC fans that know good writing from whatever it was that Howard Mackie was doing.

This hang dog expression appears in my mind's eye every time I talk poorly about poor Howard Mackie.

God damn you, Lord Google! Every time I denigrate Howard Mackie, I see his face in my mind's eye and feel horrible. I fucking hate how you add people's profiles and pictures to web searches now! You're going to ruin irrational hatred for everybody by humanizing everything we search for! Dick.

Last issue ended with Buddy Baker about to be eaten by the Splinterfolk when the Paparazzi arrived to save his life. Not that they meant to help anybody but themselves, of course. The timing of their unwanted presence just helped to distract the Splinterfolk so that Animal Man could think up one of about three thousand creatures with the strength to break the chains tying him down. Give him a break! You try thinking up "bear" or "elephant" when you've just had half of your blood drained, your kid has been murdered, and a monstrous freak is standing over you with a hatchet. The paparazzi did manage to get all the footage on tape and load it up on Youtube for free instead of selling it to a magazine for fifty thousand dollars. So that was the most unrealistic event so far in this series.

I hope he ends up twerking up on some nasty ass Splinterfolk with a horse's cock.

I suppose being an opinionated motherfucker, I should throw my opinion into the ring of useless opinions involving Miley Cyrus and her performance. I didn't see it. So there. But I did see the way her outfit made her ass look and I've just got one thing to say about that: "Hey, women! Start being honest with your friends and actually tell them when something they are wearing makes their body look deformed instead of offering some lame ass advice like, 'You rock whatever you want, girl! You just be you!' No! Stop it! Unless the outfit is based on comfort (which that fucking outfit obviously was not) and the person wearing it doesn't give a shit what they look like (I'm the fucking king of that fashion trend!), be honest with your friends (men and women now!) about how the clothing works on their body. If they want to look fabulous, help them look fabulous! Don't just patronize them so that they feel fabulous but look like an amoeba that just discovered modesty." Okay. Fuck you, Tumblr, if you deem any of that inappropriate. Truth is never beauty, so sometimes you have to stop hugging and making everyone feel safe. Sometimes things need to be fucking said.

While I'm at it, I have a thing to say about the Stephen Fry Tweet that's been going around on Tumblr this month where he says this about Islam being "the greatest force of evil today": "Wonder why. Oh, have a look around the world and see them slaughtering each other let alone others. So charming to women too...". Everybody who got freaked the fuck out over this does realize he's an Atheist that cuts religion no slack, right? Expecting him to be respectful of something he has no patience for simply because you might admire other qualities about him is simply delusional. "I used to love Stephen Fry until he said something that offended my sensibilities." How can anybody in this world like anybody else if you have to like every single aspect of their being, every single action in their past, or every single personal choice they make in life? Do we expect everybody to be watered down versions of their actual selves just so nobody gets fucking offended? Please, by all means, hate him for speaking out against organized religions. Just don't hate him for being gay. Because THAT would be wrong.

One last thing about the Fry quote! Just because somebody paints a group of people with a wide brush, it does not mean that that person thinks all individuals within that group are alike. I often paint Police Forces as corrupt and awful and full of horrible, fearful, power-hungry assholes. Does that mean I believe all police officers are like that? Fuck no. Of course not. But it's an effective way to speak about the problems within an organization without having to fucking qualify every sentence. Do you want change in an organization that has some serious problems? It doesn't matter if the problems stem from many members or a fanatic few. I would fucking expect every good cop to be making the same claims and arguing loudly about the systemic corruption in their organization. Because they are good cops! If they aren't trying to change things, they're part of the fucking problem and I don't give a shit if their feelings are hurt when I point out Police Forces are jacked up. "But we're good cops that follow good laws and treat everybody with respect! How dare you lump us in with the bad cops who believe bad things?!" The good cops should know that they're not the ones I'm talking about instead of being offended and deciding my message was bullshit because I wasn't sensitive enough to the good cops. I don't get offended when white people are called assholes even though I'm considered to be white. I just think, "Yeah! Fuck those white assholes!" and then help point them out. Fuck them!

I know, I know. I hate analogies but I had to speak from my own personal experience which is hating on the Police. Two totally different situations especially with all the anti-Muslim hate in many Western Countries. We've got to be more sensitive so as not to inculcate and breed irrational fear which can lead to more violence. But can't that also be the message read in Fry's limited character statement? Violence is bad and we should not put up with it for any reason. Islam is about six hundred years younger than Christianity and both are much younger than Judaism. Imagine the fanaticism and violence of Christians six hundred years ago and think along to the future where Islamic fundamentalists will most likely be seen as Christian fundamentalists today. Less dangerous and more generally simply nuts. The main argument seems to be, "Hey, Stephen. Don't lump everyone together." If that's your total argument, I'm pretty certain he fucking knows that. Giving intelligent people the benefit of the doubt is far better than instantly declaring them an enemy of everything. But then, people do love a good dressing down of public allies. Makes them feel so much more righteous.

Believe me, I know about dressing down public allies! It's super fun!

I went on way too long with that. Sorry if I said something that offended you. If that happened, you probably misunderstood me. So reread it but come up with a conclusion that makes you feel better and that's what I meant. Fuck Stephen Fry! How dare he hate on organized religion when there are kind people in those religions! What a dick!

Now that I have half the followers I used to have, I'll get back to Animal Man!

What kind of kid gets up this early without being roused by baking Cinnamon Rolls? I almost said "aroused" by baking cinnamon rolls but I think that may have just been me.

Maxine heads back into The Red to begin her quest in search of her White Whale. That would be Cliff's Soul! She's imagined a whole Animal Crossing Encyclopedia of shipmates to help her on her search as they sail The Sea of Red in the Freckled Manatee, "the best darn livin' vessel ever to sail the Sea of Blood!" Oh, my mistake. It's the Sea of Blood! The captain is a Giraffe and I was just about to complain that he doesn't have a Parrot when I glanced back down at the comic book.

Maxine hates Hindus.

Francis Portela is doing the art for all of The Red sequences and it's just adorable. Unless it's supposed to be serious and I've just been fooled because I think animals wearing clothes are adorable. Especially parrots with beards!

I always wanted to teach a parrot how to say something but I always thought it probably took more time than I'd ever have, not owning a parrot. But a couple of weeks ago when I was cleaning the floor of a pet store, the parrot was being more vocal than I've ever witnessed. I can do a pretty spot on imitation of a police siren when I whistle, so I thought I'd keep whistling that and try to teach it to him. I think his name was Paco. Anyway, he'd be saying hello and stuff I couldn't quite make out. Then I'd begin to whistle the siren and he would shut up and listen. So I kept doing that and then I'd go about my work until I heard him chatting or whistling again. So I'd begin doing the siren and he'd shut up and listen. Pretty soon I was running my scrubber and listening to my iPod while occasionally whistling the siren. At one point, I had to drain the scrubber (not a euphemism!), so I stopped the iPod and got the bucket and suddenly heard the parrot whistling the first part of the siren! It was the most adorable thing I've ever heard ever and just made me giddy and happy and stupid. I just hope he annoyed the staff with his new siren the next day! I may have made him unsellable except to drug dealers wanting to fuck with their friends. Whoops!

Meanwhile Buddy Baker is breaking into Belle Reve to interrogate Hogue, the head of the Splinterfolk. He needs some information about where his blood went and what all of that shit that went down last issue was about. Luckily the Suicide Squad seem to be on a mission somewhere, so nobody is around to stop him.

And meanwhile in Pacific Beach:

Ooh! Just imagine Brother Blood as the Avatar of the Red and Arcane as the Avatar of the Rot and The Seeder as the Avatar of the Green! Earth would be fucked.

I was going to say The Floronic Man or Poison Ivy as Green Avatars but I figured I should use Swamp Thing's current nemesis.

If Brother Blood really were in Pacific Beach, I bet he'd use his Powers of the Red to catch the best fish and shrimp and open up the greatest little Fish Taco Joint that Pacific Beach has ever seen.

This version of Brother Blood is acting much more maturely than Howard Mackie's version. That's a good sign! He seems to respect his cult and his Followers (to the extent that they obey his orders, of course. Death to the free thinkers!) and promises them that they will be rewarded once he drinks Buddy's blood. Yeah, with death! Probably. That's the usual way these things go. Stupid henchmen. Will they ever fucking learn?

Once Blood drinks the blood, Maxine is probably going to be in a lot of trouble. Although this is the conclusion to the Splinterfolk story, so it might just be Brother Blood that's going to be in trouble! Maybe Maxine will shove Cliff's soul into Brother Blood! That would be...um...crazy? Fucked up? Whatever it would be, it's the kind of shit I want going on in my Animal Man comic book! Please let Cliff's soul be shoved into Brother Blood's body! And then have him live with the Baker family as their son but still have hints of Blood's despotic attitude! After all, he is the Brother! I want this so much now!

Just as Maxine thinks she sees Cliff's soul, Brother Blood takes on the Power of the Red! Buddy collapses in pain and The Red quakes and trembles. Brother Blood enters a portal into The Red and begins his assault on The Totems. The Shepherd decides Maxine's game of finding her brother needs to be called off and they need to return to help the Totems defend The Red. I hope Maxine tells him to fuck right the fuck off!

Brother Blood is still under the impression that Buddy Baker was the true Avatar. I believe he'll be learning he was wrong any page now.

Instead of Maxine coming to the rescue, she collapses, dying, as Brother Blood begins destroying the Totems. Well fuck! That Quest didn't end how quests are supposed to! What is this? Villains Month a month early? Is this Brother Blood's story where he gets to win the day? Umm, okay!

Seriously. This Totem has a fucking point.

Yay Brother Blood! I've always known you've had it in you to rule everything! I've trusted in your power for thirty years! OUR TIME HAS COME I mean, I hope Maxine and Buddy are okay.

Animal Man #23 Rating: +2 Ranking. I can't believe there isn't going to be a Brother Blood issue for Villains Month. Fuck you, DC! You're as insensitive and racist as Stephen Fry.

The Ravagers #3

Why does that contraption need Ridge's legs spread apart? Oh Brother Blood! Is this a sex thing?

The first issue of The Ravagers mislabeled two of The Ravagers right on the cover introducing the characters. That must have been pretty confusing for new readers. Although I think DC believes new readers don't really look at the cover. Or that older readers have been trained after decades of silly, goofy non-continuity covers that the covers are always just a metaphor for the action inside, so they can be ignored.

The second issue of The Ravagers was three pages shorter than every other $2.99 New 52 Comic printed so far. That must have been pretty frustrating for fans of the characters. If they even noticed. Again, I'm fairly certain DC believes their fans just aren't going to notice when DC pulls its fucking pants down to shit all over the fans. They'll just gobble it all up.

DC's Deluded View of Their Fans: "Thanks, DC, for shitting out another comic with Terra and Beast Boy! Even though even your own creative teams can't identify Terra anymore and I really have no relationship with the Beast Boy of this New 52. But I love the character so much that I don't need him to be Steve Dayton's kid. And he never had to have a relationship with his mom Rita and her Doom Patrol. And who cares if he was ever a Teen Titan because at least you're publishing a story with a character that looks and acts nothing like him but has the name Beast Boy! Let me jerk you off while you shit on me, please?!"

So, as you can see, I have high hopes for The Ravagers' creative team's version of Brother Blood, one of my favorite villains of all time! Oh no. I won't be too critical! Just write this new version well and I can live without the history. Start a new history and a really interesting Brother Blood, and I'm all for it! I'm sure Howard Mackie will do this character justice!

See? See how optimistic I can be?!

First off, I like the look of Brother Blood and his priestesses. The priestesses more so than Brother Blood. I could do without the pony tail as it just seems like an affectation declaring that this Blood is young. Or maybe a samurai. But the amount of time he spends in blood, I think it would be a disgusting pain in the ass!

I think they should have stuck to the white cape though. It was a nice touch against the reds and blacks of his normal uniform even if the cleaning bill to get the blood stains out of it was probably astronomical. Or astrological!

I don't like the way he's speaking. "Talk to me, ladies." "Show me what you've got." Okay, so he's young and flippant. I like my cult leaders a little more ritualistic and somber. But I think the main note to the writers of all the Teen Titans related comics is "Attitude! Attitude! Attitude!" with lots and lots of lines underling the words.

On the next pages (which, if you're counting, makes two panels across three pages so far), Brother Blood is shown an image of The Ravagers and told by his priestesses that one of them is the key. Or something prophetically rigid like that. So Brother Blood is just another fucking Teen Titans enemy that is simply after the Teen Titans. The Teen Titans and their derivative super teams just need to retire and go into hiding. The only drama they ever deal with is caused by super villains trying to kill them specifically. The world would be a much safer place without them. Let's take a look, shall we?

Across ten issues, Superboy has only managed captured two super villains out on a murderous rampage. And that was just because he was pouting and not having any fun, so it was a diversion. Everything else has dealt with his being a pawn of NOWHERE.

In Teen Titans, Red Robin has merely been gathering the team before they ended up defending themselves against Superboy before being captured by Harvest. They did help recapture that clown in STAR Labs but since STAR Labs knows what they're getting into by holding super villains, that hardly counts as heroic. And now they've ended up on an island of dinosaurs. Not much heroism going down in Teen Titans.

And, of course, The Ravagers are merely fighting for their lives and their freedom right now. But now that a super villain other than Harvest's Real Ravagers has appeared, it's just another guy hunting them down.

Fucking comic book writers have gotten so fucking lazy. They can't even create super villains with motive and back stories. They just create a villain that wants beat up the super hero. Easy conflict! No imagination necessary!

DC Writer: "Wah! It's hard to figure out how to get the heroes to discover the super villains plans so they can stop them! It's much easier to just make the super villains attack the super heroes!"
DC Editor that doesn't really give a shit: "But why would a super villain exist just to risk a gigantic ass kicking for no real gain? Shouldn't a Villain want something that could help out his life? Try to think of the villain as a real person and not just someone who will throw away everything for one moment of revenge."
DC Writer: "OoooOOOoooh. Do I have to?!" *stomps feet*
DC Editor: "Oh, fucking shut up. Do whatever you want. I've got crops to water on Farmville."

Brother Blood, dude. Have some respect for the people in your organization. Without them, you're just some punk ass little shit sitting in a pool of rotting blood.

Can we get some interesting villain characterizations please? I'm so fucking sick of everyone having the same fucking attitude in these comics. It's just a matter of time before Blood is being punched in the face and he's screaming, "Is that all you've got?!"

I'm finding I'm losing energy as I read this comic. Every page is more poorly done than the page before. It's sapping my strength! Perhaps this comic itself is a super villain and DC is feeding off the energy of those who read it. Caitlin says, "Have I set in motion a catalyst whose reaction I can't hope to control?" and it sends my head into a tailspin trying to figure out if it's just an awkwardly phrased sentence or a scientist doesn't know what a catalyst is or if the whole point of the sentence is she's so lost when it comes to these kids she's trying to protect, she doesn't know what kind of catalyst to use to slow them down and the ones she's trying are just speeding up the crazy? And then they all get naked and jump in a river and it's obvious they all have glowing lines on their skins. This is something that would have been noticed as they took their fucking suits off. But no! They jump in and enjoy the water and then when Caitlin mentions it, Lightning freaks the fuck out. Really? You didn't notice the glowing lines on Ridge as you took a peak at his penis? Which, by the way, he DOES NOT HAVE! OH FUCK NO! No wonder he's so angry!

Perhaps his genitals are kept tucked away. Maybe that's why he's called Ridge?

While they freak out, Brother Blood's acolytes appear over the rise.

Meanwhile, Terra and Beast Boy get caught stealing bagels by a bunch of shotgun wielding goyim. Is goyim more offensive a term than redneck? Maybe they're Jewish rednecks because one of them really loves bagels.

Jewish Redneck: "Get your dirty mutant goy rojo hands off my schmear, you fuckin' faygeleh!"

After Terra and Beast Boy beat these guys up simply because they were trying to stop them from stealing their bagels, Beast Boy has another vision of Brother Blood capturing the Ravagers. That'll get the group back together! Thank writer's block for visions and glimpses of the future!

Possibly the best moment so far in this comic is the discussion between Caitlin and Ridge as they fight off Brother Blood's henchmen. Not the part where the henchman simply repeat the same thing about giving their blood for Him every few seconds (is this Brother Blood going to be an analogy of born again christians?) but the part where they compare these Blood goons to the Ravagers. And by best moment so far, I'm not saying it's Shakespeare. I'm just saying I could actually read two pages of this comic without having several mini-strokes and conniptions.

After the fight goes on for a bit, Brother Blood appears, yells, "Stop!" and the battle ends. He then heals Lightning and Thunder with a wave of, well, something. He apologizes for his mindless minions, points out that the name wasn't chosen by him, it's such a burden, and this whole cult leader thing is so hard, and, hey, would you like to join me for some tea? I mean, he obviously can't be a bad guy since he just healed everyone! Don't worry about the ominous Brother Blood name or the minions with half the skin removed from their heads who can only chant three different phrases and stab anybody they come near. This guy seems safe enough!

So Lightning and Thunder are mesmerized by Brother Blood as he cleanses them or heals them or something. And Ridge and Caitlin are frozen in place unable to help while Beast Boy and Terra head toward them, defeating another batch of Brother Blood's acolytes on the way. Beast Boy's forgotten his past but he's tied to Blood somehow. Also, Lightning seems to have gone a bit retarded.

Lightning's questions makes no sense in any context from the last few panels she was in. Mackie uses a four dot ellipsis where he should have used a three dot ellipsis. Plus, Mackie uses the double period yet again. *sigh*

The Ravagers #3 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic wasn't particularly worse than either of the first two but I just can't abide the carelessness of it anymore. I don't mind reading and commenting on bad comics like Grifter and Captain Atom because the creative team are, generally, avoiding really careless mistakes. But this comic might as well be titled, "We Simply Don't Fucking Give A Fuck.." Yes, the title should end in two periods.

Oh yeah, and the cover is a month too early. Although now I'm really curious as to why the contraption has Ridge's legs spread since he has no obvious genitalia. Perhaps Blood was curious about that too and he stuck Ridge on his Gynecological Crucifix.