Saturday, November 30, 2013

Superboy #25

You beware the Eradicator!

I wish I were eight years old and writing these commentaries. They'd be so much more entertaining. I wonder where I can hire an eight year old to take over? Anybody have a son or daughter that you wouldn't mind exposing DC Comics to? Also, they'd have to work with me so they'd have to have an extensive knowledge of curse words and know a bunch of synonyms for poop.

The last issue of Superboy, Superboy and Krypto were imprisoned by Psycho Pirate. Superboy had lost his powers. I don't know if Krypto had. But forget that story. That story doesn't exist anymore. That story will probably never continue. I can see no possible future event that will cause that story to continue since Superboy wound up flip-flopping through time until he was spit out in the Action Comics Annual to be a part of Krypton Returns! And that is the story that this issue follows. Not the Psycho Pirate story! Remember, you're supposed to forget that story!

For a company that seems to try to keep tight reigns on continuity, DC, deep down, doesn't actually give any fucks.

So, returning to the shittiest Superman story ever created (Return to Krypton Returns Again), Superboy was last left with the task of getting Past Supergirl into a rocket headed toward Earth before Krypton explodes. The difficulty is that she'll probably punch him in the face before every conversation. But she's young and boy crazy, so he should be able to lure her into a dark, confined space fairly easily.

I don't know if Scott Lobdell or Justin Jordan is responsible for the Narration Boxes but I'm taking them at face value: whoever wrote it really isn't clear on any of this story.

Kara and Kon are immediately set upon by The Eradickator, a deus ex plot device to keep Supergirl from going to Earth. Which will keep H'el from being stabbed by Kryptonite which will make it so he never comes back in time to Krypton's past which would ruin all of his plans completely. Wait. What? I think that's the opposite of what he wants. I guess H'el figured out a way to set up the time stream so that he is successful with his initial H'el on Earth plan while setting up all the other events that will make Krypton return in the correct and proper format for his supreme transcendence.

I don't know what I'm talking about. But I already gave up trying to make sense of Ann Nocenti's Katana. Can I allow myself to give up trying to make sense of anything Scott Lobdell interferes with as well?

So, The Eradickator. He appears and gives us his amazingly awesome origin as part of his introduction:

Really? Is that who you are? Because you just look like a great big flaming green cock with arms and legs.

The Eradickator is awfully proactive for being the living embodiment of entropy. I would expect to find him sitting on a couch covered in cheese puff powder and empty Mountain Dew cans. If he's the entropy across the entire universe, why is Krypton so special to him? He's playing favorites, isn't he? Shouldn't he love all of his gradually decaying planets equally?

He really is quite veiny, isn't he?

Superboy engages with The Eradickator while remembering the past events and comic books that led up to this. He conveniently forgets what was happening at the end of Superboy #24 though because that doesn't fit in with any of the other various titles he's appeared in (and, I think, he's guest starred in all of The New 52!).

While Superboy tries to get his giant dick under control, Supergirl has appeared in the past to wipe out the Clone Rebellion. From her initial observation, she declares that the clones are even more savage than historical records had indicated. So that means they must have served tea and biscuits to unwanted intruders because these Clones don't immediately kill her. In fact, they tell her several times the interesting ways that she's going to die and yet still don't try to kill her. I don't think they actually want to engage in violence. Perhaps their language has evolved to use only the phrases they've heard snarled at them by the authorities of Krypton? So when they say, "Have guts. See them on ground. Kneel and die," what they really mean is, "Welcome to our humble abode. Please, have a seat." And when they say, "I cut pretty throat now," they actually mean, "Would you care for a cool beverage?"

A fight erupts between Supergirl and the Clones because she's an ungrateful guest although it's not really any more aggressive than a handshake. Perhaps this is the way Clones size each other up and earn each other's respect. Instead of testing out the firmness of the other person's handshake in a judgmental display of passive superiority, they punch each other in the jaw and see who knocks out the most teeth. All of this fighting leads Kara to remember the days when she trained under Superman's mother, for some reason. I guess she learned an important lesson in manners that day.

This must be the lesson that taught Supergirl to punch people in the face when she first meets them. Which is why she remembered it now that she's punching her new friends, The Clone Army, in their faces!

Meanwhile in another place and time, Superman is busy beating the shit out of his mother because he has to. Oracle said so!

He also calls her an ass.

After Superman is laid out by his mother's kick, he tells her he's a friend. Then the Superman Sigil appears on his chest and she decides not to kick him in the face anymore. She says he'll get to meet Jor-el later so they can figure out what is going on. Then Superman will get to say, "Surprise! Baby's back! And I'm here to make sure you die!"

Back to Superboy fighting The Eradicator, Superboy is concerned that his power reserves are running out under the Red Sun (just as they've all been because they have to remind the readers that they'll eventually lose their powers so there is more tension. Although if it takes such a long time for them to lose their powers under the red sun simply because their reserve of yellow sun energy is running out, why is Superman always so adversely affected by Red Sun energy like when battling the, ugh, Sunturians? Shouldn't it just be a non-issue? I'm confused. Is Red Sunlight harmful to Kryptonians or is it simply the absence of Yellow Sunlight that is the problem?). But do Superboy's powers actually derive from the Yellow Sun? I thought he was different somehow since his powers are so different. Shouldn't he maintain his tactile telekinesis since that was developed in the lab somehow or derived from Alternate Future Lois Lane's latent abilities? I think The New 52 has some 'splaining to do.

Well, Superboy explains some of it. But the fact still remains: Why the fuck was he even concerned about the Red Sun in the first place?!

Superboy "eradicat"s The Eradicator (because that was what he was thinking too! That he would eradicat!) and taps into Argo City, realizing that the city itself is going to detach from the planet soon. Maybe. That might be what he realized. I'm guessing at that.

Back to Supergirl's dinner party, it's been a feral success! But there's a latecomer to the party and he's brought a gift!

I still hate the stupid fucking backwards "S" on his chest. Get your own gimmick, assH'el.

Superboy #25 Rating: No change. I have nothing more to say about Krypton Returns so let me say this instead: I woke up with my epitaph ringing in my head. This shall be on my tombstone, if I can afford one after I die a pauper:

I am here. You are there. So many others inbetween. In all the infinite vastness of time and space, how highly improbable that we should ever have met. It seems beyond all bounds of decency that we should fight, against the very will of the universe that we should treat each other poorly, truly the antithesis of reason that we should make each other miserable. We should laugh and we should embrace and we should grow more familiar with each other's oddities and differences and the rare and brief moments where we seem to have been created one for the other. And yet we were not which only makes our brief liaison in the unending bounds of time and space even more unlikely. We owe it to chance and improbability and random, stupid luck to be kind to each other.

Friday, November 29, 2013

Constantine #8

The joke is on Sargon. Constantine doesn't have a heart. He just keeps his lunch in his chest cavity. Today, he was having pomegranate.

I hope, if you're American, your Thanksgiving dinner went better than mine. We were attacked by a roving band of wraiths recently raised by a hipster coven. It happens more often than you'd think here in Portland. Anyway, I was wounded and lost a shit-ton of experience points. Sadly, I'm now only an Apprentice Comic Book Reader. But at least I have leftovers! Does anybody know the best way to reheat wraith?

Last issue, Constantine hate-fucked Sargon the Sorceress while Tannarak was busy stealing all of the magic to split with Mister E and Sargon. Normally I would have said Sargon fucked Constantine since she was the instigator of the sexual liaison but then I couldn't have uses the phrase "hate-fucked." Sargon thoroughly enjoyed the hate-fucking, by the way. It's her version of a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. Sorry to any readers that are offended by my acknowledgement that corporate products exist and my use of their advertising as a cultural point of reference. I know it must be truly hard to have to hear that, especially after putting so much effort into calling everything by their non-branded names like "adhesive bandage" and "tissue" and "large square garbage receptacle" and "somehow less-than-satisfying peanut butter cup that I'll pretend is just as delicious as the famous one."

This issue begins with Constantine playing chess with older Constantine, probably in some post-sexual mindscape. But that's just a guess from an Apprentice Comic Book Reader who's really just beginning to find his footing in this strange four-colored medium. Unless it has more now. And maybe it's not a medium.

You know how many kids I had to kill during Chess Club because they wouldn't let me take back a move I just noticed I didn't want to make but my fingers had come off the piece? Who wants to play chess to win by careless mistakes? I say let your opponent take back any move she just made if you've yet to make your move! Chess is about defeating the best possible opponent you can. If you just want to win by any means necessary, go into politics.

Mister E has just smashed his Stormbringer Cane into John's back which has caused John to regress inside of his mind for advice from the chess playing old man that is apparently named George. I might remember him from Hellblazer if I hadn't been drained of so much experience yesterday. After chatting with Mind George, he decides on a plan: turn the white bishop into a black bishop! That'll surprise Mister E! Somehow! Probably in some racist way because Mister E is practically Foghorn Leghorn and that fucker was a rich, white plantation rooster.

"Ah say, Ah say son. Yah jus' like a tattoo. Gets under the skin, Ah mean."

John and Mister E engage in some magic sparring which gives Mister E a chance to say "matrix tricks" in Old Portugese [sic]. And it's the chance I've been waiting for! I finally have the last letter in the alphabet: "X"! I know "Z" is the last letter! You don't think I can sing? I meant the last letter that I didn't have a symbol for, jerko!

"You know what else gets under your skin? Treponema pallidum!"

Then John sticks his Moonsword up Mister E's backside and the battle is over. Oh yeah! Forget the blind man hitting you in the back of the head; this is how sex usually ends!

Meanwhile some old guy with a blindfold has been watching the encounter through his crystal ball. He was probably just watching for Sargon sitting on Constantine's face but then that whole fight broke out. Except he had a blindfold on. Maybe he loves porn but is really ashamed of loving porn and so he wears a nearly opaque blindfold that lets him see just enough to deny he's seeing porn. But he wears it all the time because he can imagine the blurry images he sees are always somebody getting fucked by somebody else. And being old, nobody ever says anything about his inappropriate erection straining against the material in his pants. Anyway, this guy speaks in Old Portugese [sic] Pig Latin which is a new attempt to obfuscate what's being said. I've seen the messages written backwards and the symbols printed in mirror image. But this is the first Pig Latin!

"This is the magic! We cast spells like so! Magical Pig Latin works best!"

I can't stop myself from translating all of the stupid Runespeak, Old Portugese [sic], Magic Symbol, Alienese crap even though it always ruins the flow of the narrative because it never has anything to do with the story and always just refers to itself. Except for in Justice League International where it was actually the dialogue of the alien, Peraxxus. One time it was also the letterer's declaration of love to his girlfriend but that didn't have anything to do with the story either. I should just stop translating it! But then I might miss something crucial!

Oh, the blindfolded guy might also be Tannarak but who can tell? I've forgotten what he looks like!

Tannarak and Sargon suck up Mister E's juices after Constantine kills him. And then Constantine agrees to join The Cult of the Cold Flame because Sargon and Tannarak are idiots that really should know better than to take Constantine's words and actions and every single thing he does ever at face value. I suppose their gigantic egos don't help them. They can't believe they haven't broken John's spirit with their genius plans and amazing powers and so they believe he's agreed to join them. But once he's signed the contract or drank the Kool-Aid or whatever, he speaks to his sword in Runespeak. And it actually means something in the context of the story! He says, "Talk to me," and then spits on his sword. And it talks to him, sounding suspiciously like Foghorn Leghorn.

Constantine makes plans with Mister E's Moonsword Self to defeat the Cult of the Cold Flame and kill Sargon and Tannarak. But he needs to play it slow because, in the meantime, he has to deal with all that shit going down in the Trinity War and Forever Evil.

Constantine #8 Rating: +3 Ranking. This was a good comic book. Right? It was pretty good, wasn't it? I think it was okay. I haven't read any other reviews to find out what I should really think but I think I liked it. Didn't I?

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Nightwing #25

Dick's first gang: The Guttercats!

Let's get the Thanksgiving crap out of the way first: I am thankful for nothing. Fuck off.

The issue begins with Dick watching the Swordwalkers movie with a bunch of panicky assholes. Wasn't the Swordwalkers video game the game that Nightwing was going to spend all day playing with Damian but then Damian went and had his heart pierced which wound up being less cool than it may have sounded? Anyway, the power goes out and somebody yells "Free Cheese!" or something and everybody stampedes for the exits. Dick is trampled into a flashback but the injury isn't that severe because the flashback is only to three hours ago.

I think Dick's mom's outfit was Nightwing's original costume.

Dick hits the McTwist of trapeze artists with a Quadruple and the crowd goes wild and everybody loves him and all the circus freaks chant for him. The only people that aren't happy about his success are the other trapeze artists. Fuck you, you selfish pricks! If you want the fucking glory, learn to Quadruple yourselves! I suppose he was supposed to get off the trapeze and say, "I couldn't have done it without you guys!" and then stuck his tongue up each of their asses?

I don't think they do respect you, Dick! Fuck them! They're just going to turn on you in six years anyway!

Raymond and Raya should be thanking Dick Grayson every single day for the huge crowds he draws to the circus. Do they think anybody is actually coming out to see animals mistreated and clowns full of self-loathing? They want to see Dick Grayson's ass in tights! As soon as Dick Grayson walks away from Haly's, the circus is going to have to resort to demon worship and contracts to kill. I suppose right now they're relying on Owl money but even if they are, you still have Dick Grayson to thank for the Owl's interest in Haly's Circus anyway!

Meanwhile at Gotham Central where they cure the sick and create monsters, Helzinger's surgery takes an expected turn.

Since super villains generally get their monikers from nicknames given by other people, Helzinger must mishear the doctor as saying, "He's Amygdala!"

Dick wakes up in the theater among a few teenagers that had pulled him out from under the crowd when he was trampled. One of the teenagers is originally from Metropolis but her father moved the family to Gotham. Somebody should call Child Protective Services on that man. The lead kid's name is CJ and he's really good at picking locks so that probably tells someone other than me who this kid grows up to be. Maybe it's Catwoman's long lost brother!

Eventually, the kids wind up being chased by Amygdala because he hates little people. They find themselves trapped in an abandoned house with Amygdala banging on the doors to get in. But one of the kids hurt his leg and can't walk because that's just the kind of wacky thing that happens when you're being chased by a murderer.

I don't know who CJ is but he's apparently an asshole. And there are so many assholes in Gotham that could be his father! It's just too hard to choose.

CJ ditches everybody but Dick stays behind to help the other kids and then to lead Amygdala back to CJ so that CJ can almost be killed and Dick can save his life. Raymond and Raya and Dick's parents were right. Dick Grayson is a fucking showoff.

CJ's dad winds up being Mob Boss Sal Maroni. He becomes very thankful to Haly the Circus Owner which is always trouble. You really don't want a Mob Boss taking any interest in you at all, good or bad.

Dick comes up with a plan to win back the hearts of his friends at the expense of Haly's Circus's revenue.

Raya and Raymond are really going to feel like shit when Dick still gets all the acclaim even when they're all up there, in masks and anonymous, simply because he's so much better than they are.

Nightwing #25 Rating: No change. Another higher cost Zero Year issue that was boring. We learned that Dick Grayson is willing to play a support role and forgo the spotlight! Also, he never leaves people behind when there is a lady to impress. Also he loves to show up assholes by saving their lives and then expecting nothing in return. Dick Grayson! Totally living up to his first name! In a good way!

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Suicide Squad #25

I wish OMAC would get a sexy outfit.

Last issue, The Thinker was building a new Brother Eye in Belle Reve so that he could control OMAC. He posed as Amanda Waller to get The Unknown Soldier, Steel, Power Girl, and some new idiot named Warrant to retrieve OMAC. At the same time, Amanda Waller sent Deadshot, Harley Quinn, and Captain Boomerang to get OMAC for her. Why all the fighting over OMAC? OMAC is a piece of shit that should just be forgotten about already. Although I did like Kevin Kho, so I won't mind if OMAC joins the Suicide Squad and runs around as Kevin most of the time.

Is anybody else's mind preoccupied with all the fucking tasty, fucked up, American shit they're going to be gorging on tomorrow?! The only good reason to have older family members living in the same city as you is the home cooked Thanksgiving meals. If they don't cook Thanksgiving meals, get the fuck out of my city. Stop trying to bond with me on non-holiday days. Leave me alone unless you've got a big bowl of stuffing and mashed potatoes, jerks. The only thing thicker than blood is gravy, so get to cooking!

The first page of Suicide Squad #25 is like a fucking novel.

Come on, Matt Kindt! There's a reason I'm reading comic books! And, here's a hint, it's not for all the fucking words. Why do you think Cerebus lost so many readers the longer it went on?! I wonder if I can get somebody to read this to me.

The first thing The Thinker thinks about is how he got his Super Villain Name: a cruel children's nickname. Duh! That's how they all get their names! Haven't you been reading every single one of my commentaries, The Thinker? Get on board, you fucknugget.

The Thinker is one of those super smart villains that doesn't just think "ten or twenty moves ahead," he thinks "years ahead!" Come on, Matt Kindt! I don't need you writing one of these Goddamned villains that can somehow account for every fucking possibility and be completely prepared. He claims he's been counting on being in Belle Reve for years at just this moment with his playing pieces arranged perfectly on the board. Because years ago, he realized The Crime Syndicate was going to invade Earth and cut the power and cause an eclipse and ask for OMAC to be handed to them? The Thinker, you are worse than Harvest! But you know the most unbelievable part of his plan? That he knew some idiot named Warrant was going to exist! That was probably just random luck which he probably factors into all of his equations.

One thing The Thinker didn't prepare for two to three years ago was his chess pieces talking to each other! Why should he prepare for that? How often does that ever happen? Super heroes usually meet up, punch each other in the kidneys for fifteen pages, and then realize they should probably not be doing that. But The Thinker's pieces only spend four pages battling before they have the conversation that will undo all of The Thinker's plans.


Why the hell am I writing new stuff every fucking commentary?! I need to develop more catch phrases like "WHOOPS!" and "Fuck Scott Lobdell!" and then just cut and paste them into every commentary I do! That's what the masses go for, right? Bazinga! D'oh! You 'avin' a laugh? Let's go out behind the barn and fuck. That last one was Laura Ingalls' catch phrase if I'm remembering it correctly. Maybe I'm remembering the Porn Parody, "Little Ho on the Prairie."

Deadshot quickly figures out who was recruited by the real Amanda Waller because the Waller that recruited the heroes was too open, honest, and professional. She didn't threaten anybody or stick bombs in them or act superior, so no way she was the real Amanda. If The Thinker is as smart as he says he is, then he planned for his pawns to figure it all out and he's ready for whatever move they make next. I know that's how Harvest would do it.

And there it is! The Thinker's real plan! I think he and Harvest would make a great couple.

Harvest standing with his dick out: "But I spent two years planning on getting my dick in your mouth!"
The Thinker standing with his dick out: "But I spent two years planning on getting my dick in your mouth!"
Harvest and The Thinker together: "Sixty nine, dude!"

Harley Quinn repeats the activation code to fire up OMAC. The code is binary and amounts to saying " “² " with six extra ones and zeroes which would end the sequence in a "t" or a "u" or a "v" or a "w". I really wish the binary would have translated into something awesome.

Harley blows up the mountain, collapsing it on the other team members and then flies away with OMAC as her prize.

Meanwhile, Amanda Waller is forced to visit Level Seven to release her final play against The Thinker.

I'm surprised the code isn't "51773 173". Or, you know, "5318008".

While Waller is entering Level Seven, King Shark shows up to eat her face. James Gordon, Jr, stops King Shark to let him know that Amanda is the only person that can find King Shark's dad (Nutty Cuckoo Super-King Shark!). And to really calm down King Shark, James Gordon, Jr, has prepared a meal of Hippogriff Chum.

The door Amanda Waller is looking for leads to Task Force Y and a creature that apparently wants Amanda's sweetmeats.

I don't know who this is. Not at all. Is it Nutty Cuckoo Super-King Shark?!

Suicide Squad #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. Was making Task Force X "Task Force 10" too obvious? I suppose giving yourself room to invent twenty five other Task Forces is a lot more fun!

Katana #9

How was the Soultaker reforged if Mona Shard had a piece of it? Is it smaller now? Not as magical? Less storage space for souls?

Last issue, Katana finally defeated Coil. Again. But that wasn't enough for her to infiltrate the Sword Clan. I mean join the Sword Clan. I mean take over as leader of the Sword Clan.

You know what? This book has been cancelled. I'm done trying to warp it into coherency.

What? I am so sick of your bullshit wisdom, Katana! It takes effort to design a very heavy ship so that it is capable of floating. But once designed, no fucking effort. Floating is not a fucking effort! Floating just happens! It's physics! It takes effort to sink something that floats, you stupid wombat! FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!

Katana should put out a book of her Wisdom. "Everything I Need to Know I Never Learned and Just Resort to Bullshit." Hmm, maybe I should put out that book!

Remember when she said crocodiles prefer rotten meat? LIES! Why is she so stupid? Maybe Katana should not have been homeschooled by superstitious ignoramuses that learned all of their facts from overheard conversations in bars. Oh! Maybe that was her daycare situation as a child. She was just left on the floor of a tavern, soaking in the knowledge and fumes of drunken failures.

Katana strides into Dagger Clan territory confident that she will be able to defeat them because, as she says seven different times in the first two pages, they are drunkards that love to party. SEVEN FUCKING TIMES! I get it, Katana. I FUCKING GET IT! They love drunkenness and revelry and murder. But now they have a new leader named Mona Shard! She's a devilish little imp that's possessed the body of a grade school Al Capone. Seriously. I think the little kid that Mona possessed was possibly just as dangerous as Mona.

Oh? Do you think they might be drunk?

Katana strides in overconfident and winds up stabbed in the back by Mona Shard's Kris which is made from a piece of Katana's Soultaker. Katana's plan while fighting the Dagger Clan is to keep her distance so their short swords can't reach her. But then she realizes that plan is a mistake because Stiletto (one of the Dagger Clan) has a long reach! So what would have been a better plan? To keep your distancer? To keep distantest? Well, she'll never make that mistake again! Until the next time she faces the Dagger Clan, of course. She retreats this time and Mona Shard gives her the best advice anybody could ever give anyone.

I also agree with Mona Shard that Katana is stupid.

Later, Katana fucks Sickle and has a nightmare about whether she should date the corporeal bad boy or the incorporeal nice guy. You can tell it's a dream because she makes more out of the bad boy/nice guy dichotomy than the substantial/insubstantial aspect which, you know, actually makes more sense. "Should I fuck the corporeal guy or spend all my time masturbating while the incorporeal guy watches?" Hmm, when I state it like that, I'd take the incorporeal guy.

After sex, Katana heads out to investigate some addresses that Sickle left for her along with a Falconer's hood. She follows Coil to an illegal gambling operation where he collects a payoff.

Shouldn't this have been how the first issue began? All she's been doing is going after the Sword Clan! Now she decides to find out if they're corrupt?

No, no. I won't let Ann Nocenti pull me in. I will not try to make sense of this comic book. No more, Ann Nocenti! No more!

Katana decides to confront Coil and, once again, just like every fucking issue since #1 (pretty much), she finds herself fighting Coil. I HATE YOU, KATANA! WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST KILL HIM AT THE SAN FRANCISCO ZOO WHEN YOU HAD HIM PINNED TO THAT TREE, YOU UNCUT COCK!

Meanwhile, Shuntouchable has purchased a gun with which to murder Coil. But when she misses and blows the head off one of his men, she gets a better idea. She'll go after all the men that marked her body and scar them, saving Coil for last. And then she'll scar him the scariest! I guess Coil's subordinates went after Katana and now Coil is just hanging out or trying to get away or something when Shuntouchable tries blowing his head off. Whatever. I don't fucking care. Tired of wasting brain power on Nocenti's incomprehensible story telling.

The Mad Samurai has found a sumo wrestler to ride because his plan is to get fat and get the Soultaker back from Katana. That's a good plan if you don't think about it much which I'm not doing at all! Then he captures a mouse under a bowl and it's all very meaningful if you've read an interview with Ann Nocenti where she explains why she put that piece into the story.

And then here's the final page because UGH.

Also, the art was horrible because I don't think anybody gives a shit about spending time drawing this fucking script.

Katana #9 Rating: -Eleventy Billion. I hate this fucking comic book so much. But I don't hate you, Katana! I forgive you! It's not your fault that you're being written by this hack, Ann Nocenti! Don't worry. You'll get another chance to shine when a good writer comes along and revives the original Outsiders for The New 52.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Batgirl #25

A fourth female writer at DC? Aren't Christy Marx, Ann Nocenti and Gail Simone enough? I mean, yeah, sure, feminism is good and all that but we don't have to get crazy about it!

Speaking of feminism, I wanted to make sure I named all of DC's women writers because four is so hard to keep track of. I mean, I can name all the male writers easy because, well, duh. But I wasn't sure I had all the womens. So I asked Lord Google, "female writers at DC Comics" which technically isn't a question but Lord Google understood what I wanted anyway.

Actually, he didn't, the asshole. But he did lead me to this shitty article of shit which some people might like for reasons but I hate for other reasons. First off, no evidence is presented within the article to support even the title of the article, "DC Comics Fires Top Female Writer For Refusing to Comply with Company's Sexism." Who said Gail Simone was the top female writer?! Where's the supporting evidence!?

That was a joke! She's obviously more on top than Ann Nocenti and Scott Lobdell. Hmm, that doesn't make her sound like a good writer at all! How about I just mention that she's writing the most interesting team comic book at DC right now. Here's a clue: Batgirl isn't on a team!

Bah, where was my fucking point? Oh! Abdul's title of his article! He does offer one piece of, well, "evidence" that Gail Simone was fired for the reasons stated in the title of the article. And where does he get that evidence? From Gail Simone's Twitter! Gail Simone's Twitter is 89% fart tweets! I don't think Gail Simone's Twitter is ever allowed as evidence ever anywhere because it's tainted by snark! For what it's worth, I think Gail refused to kill Alysia Yeoh and editorial was like, "But she's a woman close to Batgirl! You have to do it!" And Gail was all, "I don't have to do shit, motherfucker!" And editorial ran from the room crying because his mother had been dead for years and he also used to fuck her. Then Jim Lee strolled in and said, "You're fired, Gail, for being insensitive! Wait, can I fire people? I can fire people right?" Anyway, here's Abdul's conclusion as to why she was fired:

Many comic book fans had reacted with hostility against Simone back then too [when she wrote Women in Refrigerators]; perhaps her employers finally caught up.

Perhaps, yes, perhaps. Perhaps Dan DiDio was scanning the web and stumbled upon "Women in Refrigerators," smirking at the memory of the kerfuffle it had caused back in the day. And then he saw the name. "Wait. Gail Simone?! GAIL SIMONE!? Gail Simone is a woman? Fire her!"

Another reason the article sucks garbage poo is the way in which he begins by, understandably, calling out three male writers that are total scumbag dickbreathers: Frank Miller, Joe Kelly, and Joss Whedon. Really, Abdul? I get how Joss Whedon is one of the top three sexist scumbags out there because he's a male writer and he's currently writing shit. Plus by calling out Joss Whedon, you show your chops as a feminist by pointing out how another supposed "feminist" actually isn't very good at the feminism. And I suppose, technically, Frank Miller is still writing shit but does anybody really care? I mean, how many people actually have access to the walls in that men's bathroom stall? Also, who is Joe Kelly?

So after Abdul cannot find anything else to distract from the fact he knows nothing, he goes on to talk about The Hawkeye Initiative. Because, as he points out, the best way to be a fan of women and comics is to quote Mark Twain and put Cliff Barton in a thong. In doing so, he makes a major blunder exposing his horribilitudonous writing ability when he says this:

The initiative is certainly funny and even significant because it actually makes Hawkeye relevant again (he literally stays dead more often than not in the comic books).

Abdul used the word "literally" in a serious, written piece of work! And I know his piece is serious because I only write serious things and I know serious writing because it's all I fucking write. Seriously. I could have said "literally" there but that would have brought down the level and seriousness of my writing and it's already barely parsable.

Before I end my rant on a year-old article that smells vaguely of spoiled goat's milk, let me point out that he also makes a joke about his penis. I think.

Either way, for all the female comic fans who simply can’t get men to admit that the medium is sexist, they should show them [the Hawkeye Initiative]; it will certainly work. Why, you ask, ladies? Because, as a male, I can attest to the fact that I see things a lot more clearly when my Spider Sense isn’t tingling.

Right? That was a penis joke! Only one thing surpasses my knowledge of serious writing and that's my knowledge of penis jokes! And I'm almost positive what he said in the previous quote was that he can't think clearly when he has an erection but when he sees Cliff Barton in a thong, he loses that erection and, thus, can think clearly, Ladies.

Ha ha. He also says "ladies."

It's a good thing the internet doesn't have any editors or else this piece would never have been seen by anyone. Abdul's article never would have either though!

Now that the internet has completely distracted me because that's why rich white men put it there, I barely have any time to read Marguerite Bennett's version of Batgirl! I hope it's a sexier version than that man-hating Gail Simone gives us each month! But I hope she's not quite as sexy as Bennett's Twat Lobo from Villains Month because, hoo boy, I just don't have time to masturbate today.

Oh who am I kidding? There's always time for masturbation!

Okay, I thought people were idiots for staying in Gotham because it was so dangerous. Now seeing these gas prices? I know they're all just fucking insane.

The Narration Boxes use the Batgirl symbol so that we, the readers, know they're Barbara Gordon's thoughts. But I'm a fucking nerd so I'm yelling at my comic book and pointing out how she isn't Batgirl yet so they shouldn't be using the symbol! And then I barely hold my shit together when I find a typo. There's only one thing I hate worse than finding a typo in a comic book: finding a typo in my commentary when I reread it a month after writing it. Especially when I'm attacking DC for making typos!

You know, that last paragraph had a huge lie in it. Obviously I hate a lot of things more than I hate typos. Like people from the valley. Fucking stop riding my waves, you suburban sweater hounds. You drop in on my shoulder one more time and I'm shitting on the hood of your mother's Volvo.

Wow, that last sentence was a little bit titillating!

As the comic opens, we find Barbara Gordon enacting the shittiest apocalypse survival plan ever.

No, no, no! Once everybody sees the disaster coming, it's too late to go for supplies. It's like the first minute of the Hunger Games! There is no "getting in, getting what you need, and getting out." Only the Bloodbath awaits! You have to be prepared long before the sheep get wind of the End of the World!

Okay, I'm going to reveal my End of the World survival plan to all of you yahoos out there, so no stealing it, okay? I have stocked up on hundreds and hundreds of pounds of chocolate bars and sweets. I will be known as The Candy Man and every fucker in the city will trade with me! And if they think they're going to come at me with weapons and steal my stores of candy? Well, they'll just have to get by the little orange singing men, won't they?

I don't currently have tiny singing orange men. I figure by the time the End of the World rolls around, the technology for making mutant people will have reached a level that you can buy that shit over the counter.

Barbara almost gets shot over a loaf of bread and a gallon of gas because this storm coming is a Super Storm. Unless everybody is actually more freaked out by not having the answers to The Riddler's riddles. "What is gray and loud and advances like an army?" The Goddamned Batman! Actually, he's more quiet than loud. Maybe the answer is Doomsday!

My friend Soy Rakelson that I haven't talked about in a long while once set up an adventure for Warhammer that hinged on a magical blade and a riddle or something. The answer to the riddle was "Black Widow" because that was the name of the sword. But he asked the riddle as if it was going to be the greatest moment in gaming history and all I can remember is that everybody knew the answer immediately but we were still waiting for him to finish his Antagonist's Riddle Speech when a friend not even playing the game yelled, "Is it a Black Widow?!" in a mocking way. Soy Rakelson instantly turned red and sputtered all over his dungeon master's screen and yelled that the game has been ruined. But I can't remember the riddle he asked anymore because over the last twenty years, we've made it more and more obvious every time we talk about it. "What has eight legs and is black and is the name of a type of spider that has a red hourglass on its abdomen and is often used as a metaphor for a woman who kills her husbands and did I mention it was a type of spider and, oh yeah, it's venomous too!"

Holy fuck. I'm so sorry about this commentary. I'm only three pages in to an extra-sized Zero Year issue! No, no. Never apologize for rambling. Apologize for touching old men inappropriately on the subway. But never apologize for rambling.

How old is Batgirl here? Fourteen? Fifteen?

Eventually some police come by and tell Batgirl that she has to get to higher ground because the Gordon Homestead is in a flood zone. Being that it's the Gotham Police, they might be lying to her so they can rob Commissioner Gordon's house. Or they might be telling her the truth because they could be some of the 4% of honest Gotham Cops. So Babs gets outfitted in her father's body armor with some of his weapons so she can protect James as they hit the mean, mean, (insane), mean streets of Gotham. Don't tell me how to punctuate! Who do you think you are? Howard Mackie?!


Barbara and James Gordon, Junior, find themselves holed up in a firehouse to wait out the storm. They meet a creepy guy named Henry. I know he's creepy because his hair is gelled and he's alone and he's making friends with a fourteen year old girl. Also because when does Barbara Gordon ever meet any nice people? I mean, unless she finds them with their leg in a bear trap.

Eventually a sinkhole opens up right under the firehouse, sweeping everybody away. Typical Gotham.

I must admit: I laughed out loud at this scene. It's just too much like a Sergio Aragonés drawing! I expect to find little funny people nearly drowning. I also expect one of the people to be Groo with Rufferto.

Why can I not remember the names of the children of my friends but I can still recall the name of Groo's dog with little effort?

Barbara helps lead everybody up the fireman's pole and into Bruce Wayne's study. I mean, onto the second floor of the fire station which is now the roof. She notices Coldlight Island across the harbor burning and exploding. The entire group slowly move from one roof to another as they head for roofs over higher ground or something. I'm not sure where they ultimately plan on going since the roof of a building isn't the best place in any natural disaster I can think of. Not that I'm trying to hard to think of one. I just needed something to say about how Barbara and Henry must have a better plan than remaining on a rooftop.

You know what really actually tipped me off to him being a total creep but I didn't want to expose the depth of my shallowness? That stupid fucking douchebag necklace he's wearing.

I know. The main tip off that he was a jerk was the conventions of comic book story telling. But that necklace, man. That necklace. Ugh.

Barbara jumps across the gap in the roofs and lands on Henry, breaking his collarbone. She does this because she decides to stop waiting for a hero and to be her own hero. She also calls herself "Barbara Joan Gordon." I suppose she's named after the lady with the ark that saved France from flooding in the fourteenth fifteenth century. I took a guess at Joan of Arc's historical period and was off by one century. Not bad for somebody who can't retain names and dates! Unless you're talking about Groo's dog and delicious Middle Eastern fruit.

Barbara removes the police vest she's wearing so that she doesn't drown if she falls in the water just as Henry tries to smash her skull with his foot and the edge of the building breaks away, sending him and Bab's possessions down into the water.

What's with the pearls? Is this why Bruce is mad at Gordon? Did Gordon steal Bruce's mother's pearls?! Maybe he just took them to restring and present them back to him later. You know, twenty or thirty years later. Also, I suppose they can just be another string of pearls but, seriously? When pearls are so symbolic to Gotham's most famous crime fighter? You know the one. What's his name? Rufferto?

Henry survives and swims away saying, "I'll get you next time, Batgirl!" Is swimming with a broken collarbone painful? It sounds like it would be painful.

Batgirl #25 Rating: No change. In this issue, we learn that Babs cares more about stuff than she does about people. No wait. I think I got that backwards. Jesus. I can't even understand a simple parable! Was this a parable? It was actually about a spiritual journey and the way to get into heaven, right? Always seeking higher ground by helping others? But the lure of material possessions will send you plummeting to Hell? I wish Jesus were here to explain it more clearly. After listening to Alice Cooper for so many years, I can tell when somebody is secretly testifying to me! This was about Jesus! Unless it was actually about John Wayne, what with the homestead references and such.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Batman #25

They changed their sound so much that I just couldn't get into this album and completely stopped listening to anything new from them after it.

Did somebody forget to splash the paint on the cover of my Batman comic book? It looks like Hotblack Desiato's stuntship. It does look super cool right now while it's sitting there on top of my scanner. But as soon as I pick it up and read it, the cover will be decorated with fingerprints.

The issue begins with some military guys driving through whatever beach resort exists in Nigeria until they come upon a trap door buried in the sand. They're looking for somebody that is a part of something so they can get some other something or something. It's all very mysterious and full of sun glare. I think the comic book was designed to make you go blind as you stare for a long period of time at the cover, tracing the raised surfaces and just making out the off-black font set into the black background. And then you open the comic book and are struck down by all the light ever reflecting off the stark white page.

After the initial fuck you to my eyes, the comic settles back into dark Gotham (story title: "Dark City." Ha ha. Fuck you and your blinding ways, you dickbag creative team!) where the Police are engaged in one of their favorite (and most fruitless) pastimes: chasing The Goddamned Batman!

This issue had better be about this Batmobile being blown into a million tiny bits because I will accept no other reason for this not being Batman's current car.

Batman, of course, gets away because his car can climb walls and hang from ceilings. Just another day in the life of a failed Gotham City Police Department.

Gordon and Bullock are busy investigating some mysterious deaths caused by explosive bone growth. Pamela Isley works with one victim and says she saw a guy that looked "skeletal" walking around the Wayne Enterprises Botany Lab. I guess if a pale guy with severely fucked up dental work looks like a skeleton then Pamela's description was fairly accurate.

Meanwhile Alfred and Bruce discuss his reluctance to work with the Gotham Police Department.

I hardly know why it's a discussion at all! I think Alfred is just one of those people who has to play Devil's Advocate with every fucking decision you make.

Gordon (as you can see by his foot above) arrives at the mouth to the Batcave to discuss the murders of Wayne's employees with him. But Bruce doesn't want to have much to do with even Jim Gordon due to some ugly business involving the murder of Wayne's parents and a Gotham Police Department cover up. I'm sure it involves money somehow. Bruce sends Gordon off with a flock of bats and then heads over to see Lucius Fox about a Dr. Death that he used to work with.

And apparently still does.

The back-up story concerns the secret origin of Harper's electrician powers and the battery that saves Batman's life in the Court of Owls story. I'm pretty sure it's the same battery! This is comic books! Everything is connected!

Batman #25 Rating: -1 Ranking. Not that it was bad! I actually liked the interactions between all of the characters. But it was rather slow and I figure Wonder Woman could use a shot at the top if Batman wasn't going to completely bring his "A" Game this month.

Worlds' Finest #17

You would think the focal point of this picture would be Power Girl's terrified face. Well, you would think that if you weren't a comic book reader anyway.

Apparently I can use my scanner as an alternate ice box because I left Worlds' Finest #17 in it overnight and I just set it down on my thermal-covered legs and almost got frostbite. How can a comic book get so cold? I think I may have purchased a Victor Fries Scanner/Cryobox.

Last issue, Power Girl's powers were acting a bit wonky and some mysterious tattooed Bender was running around New York burning down fashion shows. So what is the first thing Power Girl does when she loses her invulnerability? Locks herself in a hotel room for a week straight with the most powerful vibrator she can find!

I mean, she gets a tattoo! Although we aren't privy to everything she does, so this could be the second thing!

Karen doesn't actually get a tattoo because her invulnerability seems to be working again. But when the tattoo artist's needle breaks on her iron skin and he's perplexed about what happened to his really expensive equipment, do you think she ponies up the cash to pay for it, knowing that she's responsible? No, of course not! Fuck normal people and their desperate struggle to get by! Ruin his livelihood? Better just slink out and pretend you weren't to blame! And last issue, Helena busted out the beautiful window of a library she had broken into without so much as a care. These women are reckless and selfish!

I hope I don't turn the page and find Karen paying the guy for his broken needle now! Then I'd have to acknowledge that I was wrong and that's a sign of weakness! If I ever run for political office, somebody might point out that I once believed one thing and then changed my mind once the facts were shown to be different than I had believed! And only weak assholes change their opinions in the light of new facts!

By the way, The Huntress has a cute little tattoo of her parents.

What does having a tattoo have to do with purity? Don't make me call you an idiot, Karen the idiot.

Even if Karen got a tattoo, wouldn't her body just heal it up? Anthony the Tattoo Artist just complimented her on her beautiful, unmarked skin. But you'd expect her to have lots of scars since she does occasionally battle people that can bust her lips and break some bones. I bet if she managed to get a tattoo, it would clear up after spending just a few hours in the sun. Unless the ink were laced with Kryptonite!

Power Girl decides she needs some time in the sun so she pays $10 million dollars for a Space Tours lift into orbit. Where, even though her powers aren't currently trustworthy, she loses the space suit and climbs outside the shuttle.

I guess she knows her powers better than I do. But I'd still have just lain out by the pool.

While Power Girl recharges, The Huntress hunts. I wonder if The Huntress is currently Tierra Primera's Greatest Detective? Her father was probably a greater detective than the Batman on this Earth. And The Huntress was also taught tricks of the trade by Catwoman. I bet she's just about as good (if not better). Although she doesn't have an Alfred Pennyworth to help her out, so Batman does have that advantage over her. Whether she's the best or not, she's good enough to find The Shadow Bender that's been barbecuing models.

She's either pulling out pills or a buttplug. I guess it depends on whether she's using a tactic she learned from dad or mom.

Shadow Bender gets away by diving off of the bridge and deploying her Shadow-chute. She then argues with some police officers where she reveals her motives for burning the fuck out of fashion models:

Yeah, burning people to death seems an adequate response to the media's distortion of beauty.

Perhaps if we didn't insist on educating our children by telling them to sit down, be quiet, and believe what they're told, we wouldn't have a populace of people who unthinkingly accept the messages from advertisers and corporations that they're constantly exposed to. Perhaps if we taught children the ability to rationalize, to think logically and critically, to question even supposed authority figures, we'd have a populace less apt to be destroyed by the overall media message? Oh wait. But that would also create a populace that doesn't fall for the whole dream of a house, children, cell phone, comic books, internet, and whatever other monthly bills you can convince them they need so that they're a slave to any job the corporations deign to toss their way. I suppose low self-esteem, eating disorders, and depression in a large swath of the population is just the price we pay for making sure everybody falls in line and accrues a nice big debt so they can be more easily controlled. Good work, society!

For some reason, this little scene gave me Ann Nocenti flashbacks. I think I have PTAND: Post Traumatic Ann Nocenti Disorder.

And then Power Girl comes crashing back down to Earth completely out of control. And the Shadow Bender gets away again.

Worlds' Finest #17 Rating: No change. One of the things I really like about this comic book is that it always seems to save a few pages for Hel and Karen to just hang out. They're the best parts of this comic book and I wouldn't mind this comic merely being scenes from their lives without any super conflicts interrupting!

This was my favorite moment in this issue after the pilot of the Space Shuttle thought he was going to fuck Karen Starr in orbit:

Look at her showing him those two overturned fingers. She's totally into butt stuff. Which totally explains Helena's disgust at Karen touching her Ice Cream in Worlds' Finest #14, just like I thought!