The Authority Annual 2000: Devil's Night (December 2000)

Is Devil's Night a gay sex thing?

Neither Warren Ellis nor Mark Millar wrote this annual. It was written by Joe Casey whom I don't know much about but according to Google Image Search, has never taken a photograph without sunglasses on. According to Wikipedia, he has a ton of credits across all the mainstream and indie publishers. This is the first comic book I've ever read by him (or re-read by him. None of my 4000 or so reviews have a "Joe Casey" label) and it's an annual so I won't judge him too harshly if it's shit. How many comic book writers ever give their A-game when writing an annual? The annual gigs are usually reserved for new writers and guys desperate for a little extra cash working on a project that nobody expects to change the comic scene. Like this one: it's either a story about Apollo and Midnighter egging houses or Apollo and Midnighter in a five-way with a zombie little leaguer, a zombie accountant, and a zombie bicyclist.

God I hope they're egging houses!

The issue begins with The Engineer alerting everybody that they have a Speedster on board.

If she was one of you, knocking her unconscious would be for what? Pay?

I don't understand what the Speedster is getting at other than he has determined that Swift is not a freak. But why he's killing her for sport, I don't know. What's the alternative if she were one of him? I could proclaim that I'm too ignorant to comprehend the statement but I'd rather, in a slight change of pace from my usual form, blame Joe Casey. Maybe take off your sunglasses and do a re-read of your script, pal!

I don't mind speaking rudely to Joe Casey because I'm only speaking to the shadow of Joe Casey projected onto the walls of my mind who's composed entirely of sunglasses, bro attitude, and my spite. Why my spite? Because I'm a bitter piece of shit! Duh.

Meanwhile in Siberia, a massive Communist ship breaks out of the ice. I'm assuming it's Communist because it has red stars on it. Red stars = Communism. Blue stars = Cowboys.

Double meanwhile (unless going back to the first synopsis should be prefaced with some other introductory clause like "Back on The Carrier" or "Returning to that other nonsense Joe Casey was writing"), let me start this paragraph over.

Returning to that other nonsense Joe Casey was writing, another dead super hero arrives on The Carrier. His name is Amaze and his super power is run-of-the-mill homophobia.

This guy calling men "girls" as an insult probably gets super triggered by people who declare their pronouns.

I'm a man and I live most of my life by asking the question, "What Would Sailor Moon Do?" So if somebody calls me a girl, my eyes turn into big, pink hearts, I squeal, "Thank you!", and I fall in love with them forever. Which is also the reaction I have when somebody casually calls me "Brother"! I contain multitudes! If "two" is a multitude, anyway.

Amaze sounds like MAGA after Trump was elected. Before 2016, there were generally, "Man, I hate the gays! But it's wrong to openly hate and beat them!" Then after 2016, they were all, "Oh! People love homophobia and hatred! I can tweet homophobic slurs from my Twitter account with my real name!" And later they were all, "What are these consequences? Why does my family hate me? Where's my free speech?" Then they began wearing swastikas and claiming that the Left made them into a Nazi. Just real stand-up people, you know?

I don't know who Amaze and that speedster are because I have zero knowledge of the Wildstorm Universe. And judging by Amaze's initial reaction to Apollo and Midnighter, I'm happy to be ignorant of it.

I'm sure Joe Casey is just really good at writing to create such a monotonous homophobe. His bro glasses in every single picture ever probably have nothing to do with that.

Amaze throws Midnighter through a window on The Carrier and into the screaming abyss. Is Amaze that strong or is Midnighter that dense? I bet if Midnighter just leans against a window in The Carrier, he could crash right through it. Even if The Carrier's windows are super strong to prevent exploding into the void of The Bleed every time it travels. That's just how bad-ass Midnighter is.

Apollo flies into the screaming abyss to save Midnighter while Amaze calls them Pippi Longstockings or something.

"Bye you gays!"

The rest of The Authority have already left The Carrier to deal with the massive Communist ship I mentioned earlier. I don't think this story is that important based on the cover. I think it's just an excuse to leave Apollo and Midnighter alone to battle homophobic zombie super heroes.

Oh, I forgot about Swift. I always forget about Swift. Usually as a joke though. This time, I really forgot about her.

Swift kills the speedster by flying into its path as it runs in circles super fast around The Carrier's caged baby universe. A speedster should never die this way. If a speedster can be killed by somebody stepping out in front of them as they run, then speedster should be dying all the time by running into buses or just crashing into walls because they couldn't turn a corner quickly enough. The whole point of a speedster is that they react faster than everybody else in the world. Swift stepping out in front of him should look like a slow motion bird person walking slowly into this speedster's way and he should easily step aside. Unless? Is Swift named Swift because she's also super fast? Because then it's more like two people walking at normal speed who do that thing where they both step to the same side as they try to walk around each other. Except really fast and they actually do collide and Swift's sharp feet tear the fucker in two. Except I don't think she's actually that fast. I think Joe Casey was too busy checking out his reflection in his mirrored sun glasses in the reflection of the mirror he was looking into and not busy enough satisfying the Internet reviewer with the worst, most bitter, and pickiest takes on the stories he reads. How dare he not think about my reaction?!

After killing the speedy intruder, Swift tries to Door out to St. Petersburg to help but is attacked by some zombie Green Lantern character.

That's a terrible Lantern oath.

Maybe I was wrong about the Communist ship. It seems to be manned by zombies so it might be part of the same attack force.

Living, undead, it doesn't matter. If you've got a spine, Jack'll kick it out of your torso.

Apollo and Midnighter re-board The Carrier just in time for Amaze to call Apollo a "Mary." Where does he come up with these witticisms?! Amaze accidentally mentions pain which gives Midnighter a massive erection and the opportunity to go into his "You think you know pain? You don't know me!" schtick. Midnighter decapitates him with one punch before pushing him out of The Carrier's broken window. That decapitation doesn't count toward the regular series' Decapitation Counter because that's for Mark Millar specifically and not The Authority in general.

Jack Hawksmoor discovers the Communist ship was decommissioned in 1955. Before that, it had been created as a deterrent. What happened in 1955 that the soviets decided they didn't need it anymore? I mean, who was it created to deter also? That was the main question, I think. Because whoever it was meant to deter must be back for it to come back from the dead to deter that person.

Coincidentally and maybe not having anything to do with Jack's question, some blue and gold wearing super person emerges from the deserts of New Mexico. Does this have something to do with Roswell? Oh. No, it's just some super duper arms race where America created a guy named Adam Bomb and the Soviets created a massive ship to murder him. As for the other guys, I don't know. Are they some kind of Justice Society knock-offs?

Angie tries to enter Adam Bomb because doing that will give her some information or something? Seems weird. But Adam isn't into her non-consensual penetration and he blows up in a huge mushroom cloud. Or orgasms? I don't know. I've seen that orgy episode of The Boys. Supers are into weird shit.

Apollo blows the ship up not just in St. Petersburg's airspace but basically in the streets of St. Petersburg. No thought to what might happen when it blows up. Luckily nothing does happen because this is an annual and you can't have events in the annual affecting events in the regular series! Who needs Russia upset at The Authority for blowing up St. Petersburg after Apollo flew through the contained Baby Universe in Russia's version of The Carrier? Obviously that didn't happen. The ship blows up politely, doing very little damage to buildings that hadn't already been damaged by the zombie crew.

Adam Bomb didn't blow himself up. That's just his power. Builds up a charge, blows up, repeat. All in the name of freedom. He's an unwilling accomplice though. The Authority decide that instead of ending his life, they'll show mercy and biologically casterate him.

Yes, casteration. Admit it. You thought I was the idiot, didn't you?! Jerk!

Oh wait. They do murder him. They just did the casteration so they could have time to kill him. It's okay though because he begged for it!

I guess the other hero zombies were all old members of Stormwatch? Or just some of Bendix's goons? Like I said, I don't know shit about Wildstorm.

Joe Casy's lucky I don't rate annuals. I shouldn't even rate the regular comics either but it's the thinnest thread I can think of to keep my rambling blog posts attached to the concept of a "review." I guess "Devil's Night" was a big Wildstorm annual event where the dead came back in the annuals of all the regular Wildstorm comics. Too bad I have no idea what the fuck just happened!

Green Lanterns #4

Once again, this comic book has way too many artists working on it. The cover says seven but the credits page lists eleven. I'm not an expert but I think that indicates a problem.

The Review!
This comic book isn't as bad as I'll make it seem in the following commentary. But I've declared I will never again complain about the thing that I complain about in the following commentary. I'm practicing not complaining about it right now! I'm using Green Lantern levels of will not to talk about it! It's not even that big a deal, really. It's just a little pet peeve I have that apparently nobody else has which is why comic books are so Goddamned fucking terrible now! I mean, um, it's not a problem at all! No big deal! It's not even like it's something new! People do it all the time and have for decades! It can even be used to good affect when done well and by a writer I have declared an oath of undying fealty for. But Sam Humphries has yet to impress me in a way that would keep his use of those things I don't complain about anymore from bothering me at all.

The Commentary!
I didn't hate this comic book when it began. I didn't even hate it three issues later when Simon Baz and Jessica Cruz kept speaking directly to the reader. I didn't want to hate a person I've never met before and who will likely never have any effect on my life ever. I didn't want to but here I am. I hate Sam Humphries. He broke me and this is the Narration Box that did it:

"Hello, Simon! I'm Tess, the meanest comic book critic ever!"

It was cute last issue when Jess thought, "OMG I am the worst Green Lantern." It was cute because she thought it just moments after Bleez threw her through an office building. It is not cute this issue when Simon Baz thinks the same thing. Not just because Sam Humphries already used this line since I can kind of understand how he's using it on purpose to compare the two new recruits and their ultimate lack of self-confidence in their ability to do this job. They both offer up a strong facade but are terribly concerned that they will fail Earth. What pisses me off about this moment is that goddamned fucking "Hello!" Who the fuck does he think he is? Larry of Larry, Daryl, and Daryl? Lenny and/or Squiggy? Some character who says "Hello!" when coming on scene but whom young people would recognize?! Hell, he's not even one of those characters because at least those characters were saying "Hello!" to other fucking characters. They didn't look at the camera and acknowledge the audience and wave and wink.

I don't know what to fucking do. This kind of shit has become such a standard trope in comic books that nobody cares or notices. Hell, I think the majority of people like this stupid shit. But then the majority of people are assholes and morons who think they're way smarter than they really are. They want heroes to tell them everything inside the hero's stupid head. Stories in third person which remain outside of the character's mind are just way too ambiguous. And how would a comic book like this work without being privy to all of Jess's and Si's thoughts, right?! We have to see how they think so we can compare and contrast their styles and attitudes! No way we could have any opinion on the two of them without knowing every thought in their stupid fucking heads. I mean, look at The X-Files? It didn't do that and it was complete and utter shit, right?

Of course it wasn't, asshole. That was the point. Now get the fuck off of my lawn while I read this rest of this comic book I already know will be garbage because I'm only on page one and it's put me in a terribly foul mood.

Maybe I'm a Red Lantern!

Simon and Jessica plunge into the Hell Tower which is actually the opposite of a tower. Maybe Atrocitus thought The Hell Well was too cutesy. Jessica has been infected with the Rage so she isn't working with Simon. Usually that wouldn't be a big deal because one Green Lantern is as good as two Green Lanterns, right? But remember how Hal Jordan insured that there would be easy tension and drama by forcing Si and Jess to share a battery? Remember how they could only recharge their rings together? Yeah, remember that caveat and conundrum? Well, guess what? You get a Mini-Grandmaster Comic Book Reader Ribbon if you guessed Simon's ring is running out of juice! Oh, Green Lantern comic book! You never fail to make me think, "What am I doing with my fucking life?"

Simon only has 2.2% charge left in his ring which is ridiculous because I'm constantly being reminded that the Green Lantern ring is the greatest weapon in the entire universe. And yet the stupid thing is constantly low on charge when it's most needed. I guess Simon is going to have to destroy the Hell Well with his pistol.

Meanwhile in Dearborn, Michigan, Simon's relatives are bickering because there's a Bohemian Guardian of the Universe in the pantry. He reveals he's as nutty as the other Bohemian Guardians even though he's of a different variety. I don't know where Kyle's Bohemian Guardians wound up. This Guardian finally reveals the name of the ring he brought with him: The Phantom Ring! It sounds so mysterious! And probably not real. This guy is kind of crazy. But he also knows a secret about why Earth suddenly needed two new Green Lanterns when they already had five or six times more than any other planet in the entire universe. But all of that stuff probably won't be revealed until The Hell Well is destroyed.

Simon's ring didn't have enough energy to do a med scan of Jessica or to find a nearby lost teddy bear. But it does have enough energy to do that impossible healing thing Simon Baz does! I'm totally enthusiastically smiling and excited about this revelation! Really I am!

How many more stupid pages is this stupid comic book that's stupid?

Jessica begins to feel less angry and decides to quit. Good! If you quit then Simon has to quit because he can't use the battery without you and then I never have to read this comic book again! If there's even the slightest possibility I might read another Narration Box where a character says hello directly to me, it's worth shutting down this entire series.

Stop it! Stop trying to talk her out of it! Let her quit! Put me out of my misery!

See? These two don't have the confidence that they want everybody to believe they have. Not that I had to put any thought into this comic book to reach that conclusion. All the thinking was done for me! Narration Boxes are the equivalent of those rails that keep the kiddie cars on the tracks at places like Disneyland. They're the bumpers in bumper bowling. They're the cliff notes published in the margins of the book the notes are for. They're the red hot pokers and bamboo slivers jammed under my fingernails. And they're so ubiquitous that I'm bored ranting about them. I'll never fucking mention them again because it seems like all I write about lately. I wish something that mattered would make my blood boil the way these shitty Narration Boxes do!

Jess and Si patch up their differences, recharge their rings, and climb out of The Hell Well. Waiting for them at the top of the well are Atrocitus and his Red Lanterns. Surprisingly, they don't immediately kill Simon and Jessica. Instead, Atrocitus tells them he'll let one of them live. That one will be the one who kills the other Green Lantern. Nice try, Atrocitus! But they just got the whole good guys battling each other thing out of their system this issue. Next issue is way too soon for another physical confrontation between the two Green Lanterns! I mean, I know Si and Jess are going to wind up fighting each other many times across this series. But they can't do it every single issue!

One of the Red Lanterns with Atrocitus is Zilius Zox. How come nobody remember he died in Red Lanterns Annual #1?! This isn't the first time he's been back after dying which probably explains why he's still around. Because somebody else fucked up and brought him back and now nobody realizes he was killed. Oh well. This is Rebirth, after all! It's as good a time as any to declare Zilius Zox's death was exaggerated.

Edge of Oblivion #5

Time to choose sides, bitches! I'm with the sentient onion! Or is that a jellyfish wearing a turtleneck? Am I being insensitive to aliens who look like rolled up socks with tassels?

The Review!
It's probably too late to tell people not to buy this comic book, right? Not that it's awful or anything. I mean, it might be but I'm not really judging it on its own merits. Maybe that's not fair but I also don't think it's fair for DC to sell me a comic book series that only exists because they already sold me a comic book series that was fucking horrible and was cancelled because it was fucking horrible and yet because of its existence, DC needed another story to fix what happened to the characters in that horrible, horrible story by Cullen Bunn. So now here I am paying for Tom Taylor's version of cleaning up after Cullen Bunn clogged the Green Lantern Corps' toilet which overflowed all over the DC Universe. I mean, DC really couldn't leave that disgusting mess just lying there, right?

The Whatever!
I often joke about how inconsequential everything I do is and then I remember that I'm wrong about that. I'm doing important work here. I'm doing better work than the media is doing. Because the thing corporations don't want anybody to be is open and honest about their products. Nobody wants to see somebody daily pissing all over the thing that makes them money (unless you sell urinals, I suppose). The main problem is that comic books are inconsequential. I know, I know. Super heroes and geek hobbies have taken over popular entertainment. But comic books are just a fringe outlier of super hero movies. Most people don't walk out of Civil War and think, "Now I want to experience that in a more boring version where I have to actually read!" I guess what I'm trying to say is that I should piss all over movies instead of Cullen Bunn! I mean comic books! Although I sort of want to make a movie short about pissing all over Cullen Bunn now. I wonder if he'd enjoy that? I hope that I wouldn't enjoy it too much or I wouldn't be able to piss, if you get that I mean that it's impossible to piss with a raging boner.

But seriously, I'm doing better, more honest work than most media outlets. Nobody owns this critic! Also nobody pays this critic. I wonder if I could get a decent paying job writing stupid puns about movies and going really easy on them and pretending everything I see for free is Citizen Kane? Who am I kidding? Pretending every movie were Citizen Kane would mean I'd have to say I didn't understand what I didn't sleep through! I probably should have said, "Pretending everything I see is Young Guns II!" Now that was the perfect movie! And the soundtrack?! Magnifique!

This issue begins with Guy Gardner realizing he was used by one group of aliens and now he's ready to be used by those aliens' enemies. But it's okay this time because he's probably fighting on the right side this time. It's Issue #5 so I don't think there will be yet another twist where it's revealed that the good aliens who were discovered to actually be the bad aliens really do turn out to be the good aliens. I really don't care if that happens because I don't care about anything that happens in this universe. The whole concept was a terrible idea in the first place.

You know that whole "in media res" thing where a story teller is supposed to begin the story in the middle of the story because it's way more exciting that way? I wish comic books would do that! I mean really do that! Not this bullshit "first page begins in the middle of the action and then by the second page we jump the narrative back to the beginning to over-explain how things got to page one". I just want comic books to stop filling shit in that doesn't need to be said because then we get comic books like this. I got it! Relic came from a universe that used up all of its light and was destroyed (although, I feel the need to state, yet again, that they theory never had any actual evidence to support it and this series only proved that Relic's theory was verified by John Stewart saying he was from the future and repeating Relic's theory to him). That's all I needed to know! Got it! I understand the motivations of the character. I don't need an entirely new series where people venture into that universe and go, "Oh yeah! Look at that! Relic's universe where everything is coming to an end! I'm sure glad this boring fucking story was told!"

Some of the Lanterns are still under the influence of the Blackest Knights so it's time for Green Lanterns to battle Green Lanterns. Being that 2-6-8-1-7-9-5, Guy Gardner, Kilowog, and Simon Baz are on one team, my money is on that team. Not that I think they're better than the other team but I can only name John Stewart in the other team so it must not be as good.

Earlier, John said Kilowog knows all of the Lanterns' weaknesses because he trained them. So Kilowog creates one of those things that moo like a cow when you turn it over? That's John Stewart's weakness?

I just recently rewatched that scene in Delicatessen where they're making those Mooing cylinders or else I might have thought it was a salt shaker and deemed John Stewart a space slug.

Guy's plan is to lead the Blackest Knights into space where Mogo can go all Death Star on them. When Mogo accomplishes this, Ausras and Dismas's disguises fail them.

Oh, well if they look like that, they're obviously the monsters! Although I probably shouldn't think that having just read Meredith Finch's treaty on superficiality leading to leaps in judgment in her most recent story in Wonder Woman.

I suppose it isn't so much that Ausras and Dismas actually look like gigantic blow-job space piranha so much as they declare they're going to feast on the universe that blows their cover. Plus as I learned in the pages of Superman and the Truth storyline, if somebody is hiding who they really are, they're horrible monsters bent on total destruction, no matter how much their actions say different.

Green Lantern #52

Hopefully Rebirth will fix Sinestro's lack of a jester's cap.

The Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "Agents of Gray" even though it should be called "Agents of Grey" because it looks better. I'll fight you over it! I don't even know which version is the American version and which is the UK version because I'm an equal opportunity Gray/Grey user! But the "e" version is aesthetically more pleasing. I wonder if it depends on the font? I bet some fonts make the "a" version look better.

Wait! Let me try something: "Ermahgerd! Ergernts erf Grer!" That fixed it.

The Agents of Gray consist of Doctor Warthog, Communications Officer Froggy, Engineer Bubblehead, Captain Mustachio, and Goggle-Eyed Freak. Their continuing mission is to muddy the philosophical waters of everybody they meet and blur the lines between right and wrong. Their catchphrase is "Set phasers to doubt!" Luckily for Hal, the Agents of Grey shouldn't have any effect on him since he never wonders if what he's doing is right or wrong. He simply does what he wants to do and then declares that was the right thing to do, no matter how many other people are shaking their heads and sighing and saying, "What the fuck?! Again with this bullshit?!"

I could tell by the mustache that he was the leader.

Engineer Bubblehead looks an awful lot like The Green Man. Maybe he'll earn a Green Lantern Ring before this conflict is resolved.

Instead of quietly allowing himself to be arrested by these strange people with no apparent authority over anybody, Hal does the right thing and threatens them. This is how I react whenever anybody tells me I'm breaking the rules. I'm always all, "The only rule I obey is the law of physics, bitch!" I don't say that if they have weapons because, you know, the laws of physics. I know when I'm beat! I just meant if a waiter said I needed shoes or something.

Speaking of Captain Mustachio, when my friend Upright was in town this last weekend to head up to Seattle, we went to the Backstage Bar in Portland the night before he went home. Tending bar was a red headed guy with a huge, scraggly beard. I was pretty drunk already so I don't remember the other traits he possessed that made me tell Upright that the guy was the Spirit of Portland. When the bartender came to our end of the bar, Upright must have been pretty drunk too because he told the guy, "You know what? You're the Spirit of Portland." I don't know if Upright realized how huge an insult that is in Portland! I mean, probably. I meant it as an insult but I wasn't going to actually say it to the guy's face! And that was a good call on my part judging from the guy's face when Upright called him the Spirit of Portland! I don't think he served us after that. I don't blame him. Nobody wants to be called out on looking like every other person in the city where you live.

It's possible the bartender just thought we were calling him a boat.

Doctor Warthog's real name is Two-Pounder? Why not Three-Pounder? Or Five-Pounder? No wait! I know! Ten-Pounder!

Goggle-Eyed Freak is actually named Dakwa. He's the one with all of the fire power. There was no way I was going to guess his name! Although I bet I could have remembered it from last issue.

Communications Officer Froggy's real name is Speechmaker. I was close on that one! I even named him the Comm-Off slightly before I remembered he was the guy who does the psychic interrogations!

Engineer Bubblehead is actually just called Dome. He's the genius. So I was practically spot-on with that guess!

During the battle, Hal turns into a light entity again. Hal was made to be the best Green Lantern ever! No other Lantern has ever been able to manifest this power! Not even that Mary Sue, Kyle Rayner! I don't even know what the term "Mary Sue" means but I think I'm using it right! Know how I know I'm using it right? You can fucking call any character in literature a Mary Sue! It's a stupid fucking term that doesn't actually mean anything.

Oh, um, anyway, about Kyle Rayner! He was obviously meant to be the best Lantern ever which is why he was the first to control all colors of the light spectrum. But how can Hal fans accept him as being better than Hal? I'm not even a Hal Jordan fan and I know Hal is a better Lantern than Kyle Rayner! But that's the trick that Vendetti is pulling here. Kyle may be able to use the entire spectrum but he's no master of every color. Hal Jordan has just become Grandmaster Green Lantern! He's internalizing the green energy! He's becoming willpower itself! The only person I know who might be stubborn enough to do that is me!

As solid light Hal Jordan, he almost defeats the Agents of Gray. But then the Little Prince has to go and get taken hostage by Dakwa and the fight is over. I guess now is when the talking happens and the Agents of Grey realize that Hal Jordan isn't actually a wanted criminal at all. He's just a guy who came up with a stupid plan that never mattered because some other guy (Cullen Bunn) came up with an even stupider plan which took the Green Lanterns out of the universe and made Hal's plan meaningless.

See? That was a pretty dumb plan because everybody already believed Hal Jordan was what was wrong with the Green Lantern Corps. Which is quite an accomplishment when you have Guy Gardner on the team.

To save The Little Prince's life, Hal give a light gun with a big light bullet to Trapper Keeper and tells him to kill Dakwa. It's all totally legal too because it's self-defense! If The Prince dies, Trapper dies because of the gadget on his wrist. And even thought that's all clever and good, let's not get too crazy about the cleverness of the situation. Hal and Trapper were in the right to kill Dakwa even without the self-defense angle! I'm also fairly certain Hal could have saved The Prince's life without anybody being killed by putting some kind of instant shield around The Prince. Hell, Dakwa couldn't pull the trigger on The Prince in the amount of time it took Hal to make a gun, hand it to Trapper, tell Trapper to shoot Dakwa, and then the bullet getting Dakwa in the neck.

But I shouldn't be taken the moment away from Vendetti! It was a clever scene! I enjoyed it very much! Ten out of ten! Would read again! I mean, not immediately. But maybe...no, you know what. I'll probably never read it again.

Dakwa isn't quite dead so The Agents of Grey phase out and return to their ship to patch everybody up and return at a later date. I think they'd be good in the next Green Lantern movie!

The issue ends without Darlene saying a single word. Hal sends Prince Virgo and Trapper off on their own journey while he heads into Rebirth to figure out what the hell is going on with the Green Lantern Corps.

Green Lantern #50

Parallax, Hal Jordan, and now movie Green Lantern as well? What an orgy! I mean fight!

Really, DC? I'm going to have to pay five bucks for every 50th issue? It's not like 50 is a big deal when it comes to monthly publications! Forty-eight, maybe. Or sixty. But fifty? That's a celebration of somebody's four year, two month anniversary! Why bother? Although, I suppose, if you include the Zero and the Villain's Month and the Futures End Issues, this is more like Issue #53. Which is even less impressive than fifty. I guess because we use a base ten numeric system, we can't help but regard the number fifty as special. Although combining our calendar system with our base ten system, Issue #60 would be more special since it's the five year anniversary of a comic. But you know what? I don't run your company! You do what you think is best, DC Comics. Besides, it's not like any of these comic books are going to reach Issue #60 with Rebirth.

This issue basically begins with a double splash page of a barren waste. Way to get my boner to grow back inside of my body, DC! I paid five bucks for this?! I know I shouldn't judge just four pages in but what else do I have going on in my life? If I can't feel good about my own accomplishments, I'd at least like to feel good about shitting all over somebody else's!

The barren waste is Coast City from the old DC Universe. Remember when it was destroyed by Cyborg Superman and Green Lantern flipped the fuck out? Then he became Parallax and all of the Hal Jordan fans went, "What the fuck are you doing, DC? Fuck you. Fuck you and your mother and your father and all future generations! I mean, obviously a comic book company doesn't have a mother or father or plans for any future progeny. But fuck you anyway, you fuckers!" But all the people who weren't fans of Hal Jordan were all, "Ha ha!" Until Kyle Rayner became a Green Lantern while holding his dick in his hands. And then they were all, "Oh. Maybe I laughed too soon." Okay fine. That was just my reaction. Apparently fans loved Kyle Rayner because he was a representation of the common comic book reader and creator. This was represented by how he became a hero with his dick in his hands.

The barren waste double splash page gives way to a Coast City is Alive! double splash page because art. Art is defined as taking a person's money and giving them the barest minimum of bullshit, right? Anyway, Parallax is happy to be in a universe where Coast City hasn't been destroyed. A universe where his failures aren't starkly represented by the smoking crater of his home town. Of course, it isn't his home town. But Parallax is a crazy fucker so it's good enough.

Parallax decides he'll spend the rest of his life protecting Coast City. That means he must protect it from the one person who would destroy it! Cyborg Superman!

I mean Hal Jordan! Wait. What?

Whatever. I suppose this makes sense because Parallax and Hal Jordan have to fight or else how could this be a super hero comic book? Good intentions always result in a miscommunication that turns into fisticuffs. If I want to get into the psychology of Parallax, I guess I could defend his belief that Hal Jordan will be the cause of Coast City's destruction. Parallax still blames himself. Or, at least, the old self he used to be. Coast City was destroyed because he failed it. He's such an egomaniac that he can't even blame the actual person who destroyed the city. It was Hal Jordan's responsibility to protect it and thus it was Hal Jordan who eventually destroyed it. So now his old self must be punished for failing Coast City.

Also, Parallax is insane. Not in a "I have mental issues and I take umbrage with labeling everybody 'crazy' or 'insane' because I'm not like that!" No, of course you're not like that, people with various mental health issues that are all completely different and in no way indicative of anybody else's mental health issues. Parallax is old school comic book crazy. He's a narcissist. He's a mass murderer. He's a megalomaniac. He's the hero of his own story but his story is a fucking Mad Lib filled out by people who don't know the difference between a gerund and a type of animal. Idiots.

Hal Jordan is busy feeling sorry for himself because he couldn't stop a Ferris wheel from falling on his nephew.

Save this speech for Parallax, Hal Jordan's brother!

Just like fucking Hal Jordan. His brother's kid almost died and Hal Jordan goes about feeling sorry for himself. So now Hal's brother has to make Hal feel better when Hal should be strong for his brother! Fucking baby. I bet he still thinks Carol Ferris was the problem in their relationship.

Hal and his brother's family head to the park to fly a drone about and Parallax shows up to make things weird. Hal doesn't understand why some villain would pretend to be him until the villain starts acting like a crazed, power-hungry egomaniac. And then Hal is all, "Oh yeah! You are me!"

For a guy who wants to protect Coast City, Parallax is doing a pretty poor job of it already. I suppose he didn't say he cared about protecting the cars of Coast City.

Hal explains to Parallax how everything that happened to Parallax in the old DC Universe also happened to him. But it had to have happened differently, right? Because, I mean, the Death of Superman had to have happened differently. Because Cyborg Superman wasn't a thing. Hank Henshaw has only recently returned from his space mission in Lois and Clark. The Cyborg Superman of the DC Youniverse is a totally different creature who couldn't give a fuck about destroying Coast City. But apparently Hal Jordan lives in a more integrated DC Youniverse than Superman because Green Lantern was being written by Geoff Johns during The New 52 transition. I probably shouldn't even try thinking about how it all fits together because Rebirth is coming and it's all going to be different soon anyway. Again.

Hal defeats Parallax not through some creatively written way that I used to expect from comic book writers. No, Hal simply beats Parallax by declaring he's more powerful and having more will and making a bigger light show. I don't know about anybody else but I'm a bit bored of all the battles that simply come down to the hero simply having more heart than his enemies. So boring. He could have at least used his ring to make a huge Tiamat to drive off Parallax. But, being Hal, he simply made a giant version of himself. It's the greatest weapon he could come up with!

Green Lantern #50 Rating: No change. Hopefully the new Green Lantern Rebirth will simply be DC's admission that they don't have any idea what Hal Jordan's past is like anymore and that they're throwing their hands in the air and just accepting every story ever written as canon. Let the fucking readers sort it out.

Aquaman #47

Why is Hal Jordan suddenly back on Earth and acting like a normal Green Lantern? Why did DC just abandon Simon Baz?!

Last issue ended with Amnesty Bay being attacked by Thule. This issue begins with Aquaman ready to defend Amnesty Bay alongside Wonder Woman. I guess Aquadog sent out the Aquasignal!

The first thing I notice is a note that says this story takes place before Batman #40. That's convenient! I'm not going to do the research but I'm pretty sure if I dug deep enough, Aquaman's and Wonder Woman's new costumes existing before Bruce Wayne's "death" will probably cause the entire timeline to unravel. But anything for the sake of having real Batman in this issue! And Hal Jordan thrown in for good measure. Maybe Kyle Rayner can even make an appearance!

The rest of the Justice League have also come along to help out which only causes more problems. Like the way Superman has his depowered haircut but he's using his heat vision. Maybe that's not really Superman because he's using his heat vision to burn the face off of a Thulean which would usually go against his ethics. Maybe the Thuleans aren't considered sentient beings?

Error! Error! Superman has his powers and short hair and Bruce Wayne is in the batsuit and Hal Jordan is in Green Lantern gear and Aquaman has his new costume and his new trident switchblade and Wonder Woman is in her new costume and *STEAM SMOKE MELTDOWN*!

Batman needed to be in this story so he could tell Aquaman he fucked up. Aquaman is all, "I know, I know! Do you see how my raging boner isn't so raging?!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Yeah! Your new costume has an erect phallus coming up from your groin and my new costume highlights my vadge!"

Batman convinces Aquaman that goofing off isn't solving any problems so it's time to actually rescue the Atlanteans trapped in Thule. Now that he has help, he might be able to do it and save Mera and free Atlantis all at the same time and by the end of this comic, God willing! And then maybe Cullen Bunn will never again be allowed near Aquaman. I don't even care about Aquaman and I'm upset that his book has been fucked up to this extent!

Garth and Tula and their crew of misfits finally realize that maybe they don't know exactly what's going on. They decide to stop pursuing Aquaman and just see what happens. What happens is Aquaman heads to Atlantis to fight the Atlantean army on his own while the Justice League head to Thule to have a big double page fantasy battle where Batman gets to ride a dragon.

Most of the action takes place in Narration Boxes as Aquaman explains the story so far. It takes far too many pages for me to believe this pulp fiction Aquaman story is going to end this month. It's also not exciting enough to talk about. It's just dry narration with shots of Aquaman beating up Atlanteans.

I hope the sacrifice is giving up his new powers! I hope the sacrifice is not Aquadog.

The issue ends with Cullen Bunn finally getting one thing right: Mera saves herself from the Thulean Sorcerers. She's only about five thousand times more powerful than Aquaman. At least she was. I think Aquaman has every super power in the book now, thanks to Poseidon.

Oh, I suppose he got another thing half-right earlier that I forgot to mention! Aquaman actually speaks with fish this issue. The only problem is that he speaks with a monstrously huge deep sea serpent thing that rivals Topo! If Aquaman has access to monsters like that, why does he ever call anything else to fight his battles? Fuck the seahorses with saddles! Aquaman should be riding a sea serpent!

Aquaman #47 Rating: No change. It'll be nearly a year soon and nobody in the art or editorial departments at DC Comics have noticed or cared that Aquaman is sporting a huge boner in his new costume? I suppose that's the least of their worries seeing as how Cullen Bunn has been taking a huge shit on Aquaman's legacy every month for the same amount of time. Maybe this book has just become too artsy and complicated for me! Also I find myself constantly touching my penis whenever Aquaman's boner is on-panel. It's so huge!

Green Lantern #47

What to use for the next Coast City Gazette headline? "Green Lantern Returns!" or "Fifty Dead in Coast Highway Pile-up"?

Two Sinestro Corps members that I've never seen before begin this comic book by flying through space pissing themselves in fear. You'd think being a Yellow Lantern would make you fearless but if you were fearless than you'd be a Green Lantern! Unless I have that all wrong. I've never really cared about the spectrum lanterns. Some people think it's the Epic of Gilgamesh of Green Lantern comic books. I think it's more "elaborating on an idea Geoff Johns had while trolling for supportive ex-wives of participants in the Gay Pride Parade."

You know how Sinestro wasn't really a great fit for the Green Lanterns even though he met the criteria? I want a story about the Blue Lanterns where a ring chooses somebody like Hitler or Donald Trump to be a member. Not that I'm equating Donald Trump with Hitler because only one of those guys was charismatic.

Anyway, back to the two Sinestro Corps members I've never seen before. I mean, I don't think I've seen them before. Maybe I have. It's just that they're all kind of goofy and ridiculous and since these two are about to be killed by a Green Lantern that may or may not be an aspect of Hal Jordan which escaped during some weird story from the seventies that will be referenced, I'm assuming they're not important members of the Sinestro Corps. In my shriveled little heart of hearts, I kind of hope these are Cullen Bunn's two favorite Sinestro Corps members.

Hal Jordan has now returned to Earth to check on his family. Luckily Guy and the Red Lanterns aren't around to beat him up for being in Sector 2814. Although Warworld is hovering on the other side of the planet battling the Pale Bishop's army! I hope Hal doesn't get drawn into that bullshit.

Hal has a little bit of trouble breaking into his brother's place.

Do to his hair?! He's obviously done absolutely nothing to it!

The cop tells Hal's brother that there will be a fine for a false alarm. Oh bullshit! I don't believe that's how these things actually work! Although, having set off a number of alarms myself due to my floor business, I don't believe the police actually respond to these alarms like this! The first matter of business is for the alarm company to do its due diligence and call the residence to find out if it's a mistake. Then the robber answers the phone and says, "Oh, um, yeah. I'm the, like, um, floor guy or something. They changed the code on the alarm and shit." Then they also contact the manager or owner of the property who tells them that they weren't expecting the floor guy so maybe they should send the cops. Then the cops come and if it is the floor guy and he's white, nobody gets shot and it all resolves nicely except for the part where the floors still need to be cleaned and waxed.

Hal's brother's apartment is boring. No way he has a family if his place looks like that. No wife because there is no color. No kids because there is no mess. Although it's possible he does have a wife and kids' corpses under the bare floorboards.

Why is Hal's brother so obsessed with guys having long hair?! His brother returns from space and in the first five minutes, he brings up Hal's hair at least three times!

Hal and his brother Jim meet up with his brother's wife and kids at the amusement park on the pier where Sonar is planning some kind of terrorist attack. I bet this is the court ordered location to exchange the kids for visits because I still don't believe a woman lives in that apartment.

At the park, Jim continues to be unlikeable as he criticizes the way other people don't wear button up shirts tucked into belted pants with tight haircuts.

Jim's kids are on the Ferris wheel when Sonar's bomb is set off by the ambient noise of the park. That explains why it's all tilted and falling down on the cover! I just figured The Joker fucked it up years ago and nobody bothered to fix it.

Hal tries to keep everybody from dying but it looks like he might have failed to save his nephew Howard because fuck Howard. What did he ever bring to this comic book anyway?! It's his own fault for being a supporting character in a superhero comic book, the little bastard. Hal's been around a long time and should have already learned the bit about not being able to save everyone but it's nice to remind smug and arrogant heroes of the fact every now and again by shoving a girlfriend in the fridge or dropping a nephew on his head or introducing a sidekick to a crowbar.

Meanwhile in space, the Green Lantern killing Yellow Lanterns is old Hal Jordan in his Parallax costume. He's muttering shit about Emerald Twilights and Crimson Dawns. I suppose this is the actual Preboot universe Parallax who went back in time to help stop the Crisis On Infinite Earths from ever happening. Like Lois and Clark, he must have been allowed to live in whatever universe he wanted and he chose the DC You because it needed better space protection.

Green Lantern #47 Rating: No change. Often I've found myself quietly contemplating my life sat outside a local coffee shop drinking iced tea and thinking, "You know what I never got my fill of? Parallax!" Then I shatter the tea cup and gouge out my own eyes for simply thinking something so stupid. Then people passing by rush up to help and scream, "Somebody call 911! This guy was obviously wishing for more Parallax stories!" Then I wake up screaming, not because I just dreamt about gouging out my eyes but because my dream-self actually contemplated needing more Parallax stories. It's also why I don't sleep with anything sharp near the bed because I always look around for something to gouge out my eyes when I have that dream. Um, anyway, yay! Parallax is back! Now where did I leave those scissors?!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #23

When you're sliding down the hall and your balls hit the wall! That's Corruption!

Last issue, Superman and Wonder Woman were working through some relationship problems. Superman told Wonder Woman he wanted to breakup and Wonder Woman told Superman to stop being a fucking baby and start doing his Goddamned job! Then they kidnapped Parasite to use as a marital aid. See, since they're both so invulnerable, they can't really feel intimacy between them. They usually just go through the motions with Superman saying "Do you feel anything?" and Wonder Woman lying like all women who are tired of being passive-aggressively accused of being the fault for not having an orgasm and saying, "Oh. Yes. That was definitely a job for Superman." Then Superman, who couldn't feel anything either because of that invulnerability, pretends to finish, pulls out his limp cock, rolls over, and falls asleep. That's when Wonder Woman takes out the special polearm Hephaestus made for her. But with Parasite draining their powers, they can both enjoy coitus! Or they can all enjoy coitus because wouldn't Parasite also drain sexual energy and eventually spray his purple jizz all over the rutting superheroes?

That point is called "orgasm."

Superman offers to let Parasite go if he does what Superman says. That seems a little irresponsible of Superman! He's putting a lot of people's lives in danger! I bet he's going to go back on his deal but in a way which keeps his dignity intact. Does Superman have any dignity left? Maybe it doesn't matter if after Parasite tracks down Dr. Bendy, Superman just throws him back into Belle Reve. I have a feeling Superman will just tell Amanda Waller where she can pick up her filthy pet when he's done abusing it.

Countdown to fucking!

My favorite song to fuck to is Public Enemy's "54321...Boom!" True story (implying the previous sentence was utter bullshit (and not really confirming in any meaningful way that what follows will not be bullshit)): I have both fucked and cried desperately throughout The Cure's entire album "Disintegration." Not at the same time. Probably. Although trying to sexily please your partner with the lyrics "The spiderman is having you for dinner tonight" sometimes takes an awkward turn. I wonder if anybody has yet approached The Cure to do a "Mamma Mia"-esque Broadway show to their music? Maybe call it "Let's Go To Bed" although in this current climate of fear, hate, and racism, maybe "Killing An Arab" will draw in more people? People who don't realize they're all in for a lesson to be learned, right?!

Meanwhile Angle Man and Vandal Savage speak to each other as if they're somehow equals. Just by the name "Angle Man," you can tell the guy is C-list all the way! Angle Man uses some kind of magic protractor to open up portals and to maybe even time travel. Perhaps that's how he knows Vandal Savage and why they have some kind of six hundred year old plan. I can't figure out how else they've been planning on killing Superman for six hundred years. Does this mean Clark Kent is about to travel back through time for a few years? Maybe depowered Superman will be more interesting if he's a member of the Demon Knights!

Oh! Well, that explains some of that then! I think. Sometimes I just like to scan a page and say, "Oh! I get it now!" That way people don't think I'm too stupid to understand a comic book plot.

Angle Man's real plan is to kill Vandal Savage and take over the world for himself. That's probably also Wrath and Hordr_root's plans as well! Maybe Superman can lure them all back to this secret chamber they plan their world conquering inside of and trick them into all killing each other.

Parasite leads Superman and Wonder Woman to Angle Man's underground lair. He lives in the bunker from Lost where he's keeping Firestorm imprisoned to power his Mystic Protractor. Do you think Angle Man will say something witty like how he's looked at things from every angle? Or how the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides? Did I get that right?

Christ, Angle Man! Telling them about the implants is such a C-list villain move! Why not just tell them that all of your power comes from your geometry tools!

A huge battle ensues while Angle Man watches from the safety of his monitor room saying things like "I'll 'sine' your death warrant!" and "Try to look at it from my angle, Superman!" and "Our two lives were bound to intersect at this point!" and "If two parallel lines are cut by a transversal, then alternate interior angles are congruent! Ah ha ha ha!" It's so super nerdy I almost went out and purchased a compass.

When the battle seems about won, a huge suit of power armor rises out of the pond in the middle of the room and puts itself onto Wonder Woman.

Of course Superman and Wonder Woman are going to have to fight! How else will Clark remember how much he loves and pretends to cherish Diana?!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #23 Rating: No change. I really wish superheroes would stop falling under the control of the villains. If the villain's only real tactic is taking over a superhero's mind so that the superheroes now have to battle each other then that villain isn't really worth much as an antagonist. The villain simply becomes a tool to get superheroes to battle which is apparently what either comic book fans really want or what comic book companies think comic book fans really want. I really don't know since I know I'm sort of a comic book fan and I hate when heroes fight. But I don't know if other comic book fans love when heroes fight because I don't like interacting with other comic book fans! You're all too nerdy without the proper amount of sardonic distance from the source material with which I pretend to be filled so that the normies still accept me into their arms which have had sex more than the one imaginary time at camp. You nerds get what I'm saying, right? No offense!

Green Lantern #46

They're going to mosh it out?

Hal Jordan has finally had enough of Black Hand. I guess it wasn't that bad when Black Hand was dragging corpses out of graves and flying them around the universe to terrorize all of the non-corpses. But now he's going around turning everybody he meets into stone and that's not cute in the way a zombie space parade is cute. So it's time to let Black Hand retire. He had a good run. He went from a cliche spouting spoiled rich kid rebelling against his family's name to a joke C-list villain who gets busted by superheroes just trying to go on a date to the scariest and most vile enemy the Green Lanterns have ever met! Unless he was just the sidekick to the most vile enemy. Who can tell?! War of the Lanterns dragged on so long nobody's attention span was long enough.

While Hal is busy dragging Black Hand's ass to the Source Wall so that it can babysit him for eternity, Darlene, Trapper Keeper, and The Little Prince are about ready to leave their peaceful vacation planet.

That's why Trapper wanted to go to a brothel.

Relic continues to be allowed to putter about the Source Wall pretending to do science. He's called Relic because he's from a time when scientists didn't have to run experiments to prove their hypotheses but instead just observed something that seemed to happen and declare it the truth. So if a scientist happened to see a snake leave a bird's nest then it must mean the bird is laying snake eggs. Back in his universe, Relic noticed that the inhabitants of the universe were filled with emotions and certain colors of light were tied to those emotions and so the universe must be fueled by emotions and light which meant that...you know what? I have no fucking idea why he came up with this stupid Peak Emotions theory except that he believed it and then stupid fucking John Stewart confirmed it by pretending to be from a future where all the light had run out.

Even though the Source Wall is infinity feet long, Hal Jordan has to return to the spot where Relic is doing his experiments on wasting time. That's because the Source Wall is cracked at that location and the crack is exactly Black Hand shaped. All Hal has to do is convince Relic to agree to his plan of stopping up the crack with Black Hand and the issue should be over in five pages. The main problem is that the reasonable man of science Relic isn't actually reasonable and, I suspect, not really much of a man of science. He really just likes to bully people and steal their emotions.

Sure, now he has a bullshit scanner that allows him to be reasonable. Why didn't he pull that shit out around Issue #24?

Relic makes some quick fake calculations on his fake light calculator so his hunch seems more believable to Hal and then declares that the Source Wall is trying to get back to itself but Black Hand just keeps dragging it further and further away from the Wall. Although if the wall is infinite and surrounds infinity, isn't he always infinitely far from it? My math might be wrong on that.

Black Hand regains consciousness and escapes from Hal's light coffin. Editorial must have told Venditti that he can't have a comic book that resolves in five pages so he was going to need to pad it with some more fighting.

Look at Relic trying to science correctly! Now run experiments to see if what you're observing is actually what you'r observing! It's possible you're just looking at the pieces of Source Wall created by Black Hand whose momentum carried them in the direction of the Source Wall. Are other pieces going in other directions? Look for them, Relic! Don't just record evidence that supports your conclusion!

Darlene arrives in time to smash Black Hand into the Source Wall with a grappling hook so that Hal doesn't have to feel responsible for basically killing Black Hand. Not that Black Hand is dead simply because he's stuck to the Source Wall. Apparently creatures live on in some kind of weird stone coma. But not Black Hand! Since he's immune to being Source Walled, he simply shakes his head and begins to stagger away from the wall. But it's too late! His stone hand has decided it wants to remain as part of the Source Wall. Just like Relic surmised with his scientific know-hows and whats-it-all-means! Black Hand is absorbed into the Source Wall and Hal Jordan decides not to feel too bad about it. Sometimes bad things happen to crazy people.

While Relic wonders what he's going to do with all of his time now that his Source Wall glory hole has been sealed, Hal takes off inside Darlene. That's because Hal actually knows how to science properly and he's observed again and again how Relic likes to battle lanterns. I know. I'm surprised at my saying Hal knows how to science as well since Hal mostly just knows how to tell people to shove it and punch people in the chin. But he's learning how to work with others and utilize logic more often. He's growing!

Be with us next time for "So close yet Sonar away," or "Jordan hears a hood."

Green Lantern #46 Rating: No change. Hal Jordan continues to be a more effective, more reasonable, more likeable hero without the Guardians or the rest of the Corps breathing down his neck. He also has a better cast of characters in Darlene, The Little Prince, and Trapper Keeper. Mostly because they're all technically subservient to him and don't threaten his masculinity. I'm also glad Carol Ferris has moved on because it was getting embarrassing watching Hal pretend to care about her while constantly treating her like shit. Hal is much better off alone or running around with a bunch of non-threatening characters that aren't really interesting on their own. That's why teaming up with Green Arrow worked so well! Zing!

Green Lantern #45

I should have some sort of secret code that I put here in the first caption to alert regular readers of this blog that I'm really going to half-ass the following review.

Remember when The Black Hand was a perfect choice to be a possible death in an issue of the Suicide Squad? But then Geoff Johns got hold of him and la dee da! Now he's all fancy and recognizable and hardly ever elicits confused yawns of "Who's that now?" I bet that's why nobody dies on the Suicide Squad anymore. I bet Geoff Johns called dibs on every unrecognizable DC villain so that he can try to work his stupid magic on them and get people to like them. Then he can pick up tons of chicks at the bar by saying, "Hey baby. You know I made Reactron a household name. Buy me a drink?" Then whoever he was talking to would have to get a bar rag to put under her so she didn't get the bar stool all squidgy because that's some pick-up line!

While looking through the Who's Who for a suitably unrecognizable criminal, I saw that DC had (or has?) a hero named Red Bee who was also a district attorney! Red Bee needs to come back because DC really could use more super hero lawyers.

Hal has figured out, with the help of Darlene and not common sense, that Black Hand is headed to Earth. I'm not sure why but I figure it must have something to do with stubbornness, Hal decides he has to go to Earth alone.

I wish Darlene wanted to go to a brothel.

Hal Jordan tracks down Black Hand who is pouting because everything he touches turns to stone. Luckily he's dead and he doesn't have to eat or drink or masturbate. I don't think dead people masturbate. Man, if zombies really just go by their basest instincts, nobody will have to fear Zombie Tess because I'll just be jerking it until it falls off.

Hal tells Black Hand he can help him but Black Hand doesn't trust him because he's alive. The Black Hand only has dead friends. For some reason, Hal reveals his identity to Black Hand because I guess fighting with him is better than not fighting with him? Maybe Hal views their relationship differently than Black Hand views it because Black Hand decides he isn't going anywhere with Hal. He'd rather remain on his stone planet taking up lots of comic book space with splash pages and double splash pages and pages with just two panels on them. This issue is the comic book version of larger font and narrower margins on a college essay.

So they battle the way super heroes and super villains tend to battle: for a long time and while spouting lots of nonsense.

I won't question why only the Black Hand's hands turn to stone. I won't question why only the Black Hand's hands turn to stone.

Why do only the Black Hand's hands turn to stone? I bet his penis is a big rock as well.

Hal finally realizes that Black Hand is a major plague to the entire universe and decides it's time to bury him once and for all. But if he's invulnerable to being turned into Source Wall, how is he going to stick to the Source Wall for his burial?

Green Lantern #45 Rating: No change. This issue averaged barely over three panels per page. And a lot of that was just Hal trying to avoid being turned to stone as he battled Black Hand. Darlene was allowed to be snarky in a few pages while The Little Prince and Trapper Keeper simply took a nap. I wish Robert Venditti has some secret code that he could put on the cover of Green Lantern to alert regular readers that he's really going to half-ass the issue.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #21

This is why I've given up on meeting comic book writers and artists. Because after meeting Kuder, it makes it harder to say "Worst professional cover ever or B+ Junior Level Art Assignment?" about this cover.

Some guy named Mister Bend from Arlington, Virginia, runs some super top secret program from out of the basement in his house. He's probably the bad guy who has been in the shadows ever since Peter J. Tomasi began his run on this comic book. And he'll probably be the last bad guy joining the Anti-Superman League. But before any of that is revealed as probably shitty assumptions, Mister Bend needs to suck out all of Firestorm's juices.

Firestorm is back and he's once again Ronnie Raymond with Jason Rusch's head floating nearby. Ever since these two got married in the Zero Issue of their self-titled series, we haven't really seen much of them. Other than the eight issues that followed the surprise marriage issue, of course! I thought after the symbolic marriage in Issue #0, Ronnie and Jason were going to embrace their homosexuality. But it looks like they still haven't quite come to grips with it.

Oh really, Jason. Tell us more about your new Canadian girlfriend you met at International Summer Camp?

Firestorm is ambushed by some coal monster masquerading as drowning fishermen. I hope we find out why this scene was in this comic book later! Maybe it's just a sneak peek of a new Firestorm comic book to be released soon.

Getting back to one of the stars of this comic book, Wonder Woman is standing around holding onto her lasso which has been wrapped around Lois Lane so that she won't lie about why she's so obsessed with Superman. Lois acts like a hostile jerk when asked questions. Oh, it doesn't feel so good having some nosy asshole stick a microphone in your face demanding you answer questions they have no business asking, does it? It's so easy to hide behind the trite statement, "The people have a right to know!" Not as easy when people expect the same kind of cooperation from you, is it, Miss Lane?

The interview ends before Lois Lane accidentally mentions how often she masturbates to images of Superman and then Superman crashes through the wall. Pretty strong for a guy who's lost his powers, right?

Superman decides to be angry at Wonder Woman because comic books (even when they're written by somebody as trustworthy a writer as Tomasi, I guess). Superman is being a real dick lately. When is Wonder Woman just going to dump his ass and get this comic book cancelled? I'm surprised she stuck with him after he gave her a huge guilt trip about her not oiling the dangerous alien flower he foisted on her. Maybe Wonder Woman knew at that moment that the relationship was over but she's just now in the spiraling end cycle of the relationship that almost always goes on for too long. Just end it quick and clean, Diana! Clark Kent isn't worth it.

Look at Wonder Woman's lifeless eyes and blank expression. She knows it's over!

As Wonder Woman rolls her eyes, she notices Atomic Skull and Major Disaster and Shocker and Metallo and Silver Banshee (Supergirl's friend?!) hanging from the ceiling in tubes. This is where they're incarcerated because they're too dangerous to actually have a trial. But they're also being used for energy by Mister Bend! Um, probably. These villains and their energy powers tie in to the Firestorm bit at the beginning! I'm figuring stuff out on my own!

Just as Steel realizes something fishy is going on, the villains crash to the floor and the security guards become those energy siphoning monsters who took down Firestorm. I hope Wonder Woman doesn't try to help because Superman will just yell at her. Why is her name even on the cover? When does she get an important plot of her own?

The Siphon Monsters gulp down the bad guys and almost get Superman. But he's saved by Wonder Woman and all of his friends. He gives them his thanks by lecturing Wonder Woman and Lois Lane and telling them they betrayed him by caring about his well being. Fuck you, Clark Kent. Go to hell. I'm sick of reading your stories even if Peter J. Tomasi does his best to write around Group Editor Sexualie Harasseganza's mandates.

In the Epilogue, Mister Bend enters a portal and arrives at the Anti-Superman League meeting.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #21 Rating: -1 Ranking. The Superman books are the worst. Maybe I should start a Kickstarter to fund a reward for the first person to kick Eddie Berganza in the balls.

Green Lantern #44

Is DC doing the whole "90s Covers" thing three months before Marvel?

The Little Prince nearly killed himself last issue trying on Krona's glove, so this issue he's going to have to sit out all of the action in Darlene's medical bay. That'll give Hal Jordan some time to get to know The Little Prince's butler, Trapper. Does anybody remember the television show "Trapper John, MD"? That show didn't have as many flashbacks to Korea during surgery as I would have liked.

Writers can win me over by writing huge, competent plots with complex, intriguing characters. Or they can win me over in sundry small ways as well. Robert Venditti had my good will when he took over Demon Knights and kept that book as good as it had ever been (which was really good!). But it's those small moments that keep me coming back to comic books. Small moments that work so well in this medium when a writer has the pacing down and the dialogue is realistic. Little moments like this:

This is cute and it goes a long way to getting me on Trapper's side.

I don't know how translations and languages work in the DC Universe unless everybody speaks Interlac in space. But the idea that the concept of an Earth pound wouldn't translate is something a lot of writers wouldn't even consider during this discussion. Billy Tan (or Martin Coccolo?) nails the look on Trapper's face as he examines the contraption and then as he realizes his life hinges on Hal's being able to correctly estimate these "pounds." I appreciate characters, even bad-ass bounty hunter outlaws who kick major butt up and down the universe, having vulnerable moments like this. This is how readers bond with characters. Well, this and naming them Maps and making them super adorable little nerds.

Jordan is making a stop to get The Little Prince some medical attention before he heads off to save Earth from The Black Hand's Source Wall curse. The planet is one of those planets that is like one of those towns that begins a horror movie where a disturbing family lives nearby a deserted town and the family loves to make people into sausage. I think those movies sometimes start with a creepy little kid running off amid the abandoned buildings. Just like this one! Except the kid isn't creepy. She's actually a cute little goat girl with a stuffed animal. This issue might also be based off of an old sixties Star Trek script. Hopefully it's a script written by Gene Roddenberry so the story can be a not very subtle examination of problems on Earth in the sixties. Wasn't there an episode when aliens way out in space somehow had access to relics from the Confederacy?

The people in the town are fearful of the guests because some creature has taken control of their village. Maybe I was wrong about the script. I think this is another Twilight Zone episode. The doctor doesn't really want to help because he's afraid of the monster that has taken over and seems to feed on visitors. But he's a doctor and you can always convince doctor's to help people in need because they have to take an oath. Even alien doctors, I guess.

Hal begins asking too many questions which is weird because he's not usually the type to want useless things like information. If a problem crops up, he knows he can just punch it in the face. Unless that problem is Coast City being completely destroyed and then the only thing left to do is punch everybody in the face all of the time until God thinks, "Hey! That guy would be a good fit for my Wrath!" It might have happened somewhat differently and with more details but I think I got the gist of it.

Virgo isn't cured quickly enough so the guests get to meet the hosts.

I guess they're a host of Thanagarian angels? Is that why all the "guest" stuff?

I don't know why we need to know the names of all of the hawkpeople. I guess so we understand by their names that they've modified themselves with pieces of the guests and their ships?

The doctor decides to explain that the Thanagarians rob and kill everybody who comes to port. Hal isn't exactly happy that the Doc was only forthcoming about this after it was too late. But what does Hal care? He's got a Krona's Gauntlet. He'll be okay.

Hal and Trapper take out the Thanagarian gang with only a small bit of trouble that leaves Hal bleeding from the ears. He wakes up later in the Doc's office. I bet the village throws him a big party! And maybe they'll never hate the Green Lanterns again!

I hope the little girl stows away on Darlene.

Green Lantern #44 Rating: No change. Post-Convergence Hal Jordan is my favorite Hal Jordan in a long time. He's never felt like a great leader to me and I hate to see him in that position. Being the captain of a small crew of misfits flying around the universe seems to fit him. I feel like I've read this version of Hal before! He just needs Green Arrow to join him on his road trip through space dealing with problems that can't be solved with an arrow or a light construct. Maybe Trapper just needs to grow a goatee and start wearing green.

Wonder Woman #43

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why is there only one "Finch" on the cover?!

So it turns out David Finch didn't draw this issue! How is that going to affect the story? Will Meredith Finch write better when her husband isn't constantly nagging her to slip in two double page splash pages and a scene where Superman catches Diana masturbating?! Will Meredith Finch actually begin to write some complexity into Diana's character without Dave standing around yelling shit like, "Make sure you have Diana beat up an obviously sexist pig so everybody knows she's a feminist! Oh! And how about introducing Baby Rabies into her personality this issue? Women suffer through that shit at her age, right?!" I don't know why I have this intuition backed up by years of evidence that David Finch, even though he's not writing, is the main problem with the current version of Wonder Woman.

It's not really an intuition if it's based on evidence but since most people would rather think their beliefs and conclusions spring magically from thin air than realize that "intuition" is just putting together perception and evidence to predict the most likely future outcome, who am I to think otherwise? How arrogant would that be to believe that my brain puts information together to form a coherent and predictable model of the reality surrounding me? How dare I pooh-pooh mysticism and magic and religion and intuition and psychic powers?! People who rely on science and evidence are such condescending bastards!

You know what I'm sick of seeing posted to Facebook? "It's better to be kind than intelligent." Fuck you assholes and your passive aggressive bullshit. The two aren't mutually exclusive! I mean, I'm a bad example because I'm a huge asshole and a genius! But it's insulting to suggest that if somebody is intelligent then they're mean, or vice versa. Are people saying that all of their kind friends are morons? It's a bit like the old stupid person adage about how smart people lack common sense. Dumbies are always trying to make themselves feel better. Look, just because I will openly state, "There is no God," does not mean I'm being mean. Y'all constantly praise God right in my face. So aren't I allowed to express myself as well? I guess it is a bit mean to point out that my lack of belief is based on evidence and a well-informed opinion and your opinion is simply based on clinging to your desire that your ego will somehow exist for eternity. But those are just facts! Not accepting facts doesn't make facts not true! Look, I want my ego to exist forever too! Who wants to die?! But we must die because the only way for a species to grow and evolve is for continued iterations of two differently-sexed parents combining their DNA into new possibilities. Eventually, maybe, somehow, human beings will figure out the key to immortality. But as soon as that happens, say goodbye to evolution and hello to sterilization! You better hope when that leap is made, human beings are comfortable with everything about the way their bodies and minds work.

Oh, hey! What was all that? Who typed all that stuff? It wasn't me! Gosh darn that jerk who just typed all that stuff on my laptop which wasn't me at all and somebody else who you're probably angry at now! I hope God curses their grandkids! I mean, I'd love it if God would curse that person specifically but if you're familiar with The Bible, you know God has a problem punishing the correct people. I should probably just read Wonder Woman now before I point out how reading The Bible is probably the best way to stop believing in The Bible. No wonder the church fought so hard to keep it from being printed in a language the masses could read and why they still continue to try to interpret it for their flock. When people claim it's a book of instructions for life, I wonder if they even know what instructions are.

The problem might lie with the spacing of those bars.

So far, I like the new art and all the detail but it looks like these women have been sucking on lemons all morning. Can Ian draw mouths that aren't puckered up duck faces?

Strife appears eating a gigantic bag of popcorn leading to Wonder Woman asking the stupidest question she could think of.

Diana. Her name is Strife and she hates you. Figure it out.

Wonder Woman was just being polite and giving Strife a chance to show she has a big old pair of ovaries but instead Strife chickens out and pretends she had nothing to do with Donna's disappearance. Wonder Woman responds with some smug response that allows her to smirk as if she just laid a verbal smackdown on Strife. She didn't though. It could have been better. I give it a four out of ten. But now the hunt is on to find Donna before she meets and marries Terry Long.

Hera's pool doesn't work for finding people made out of clay so Wonder Woman pays a visit to her brother, Wesley Willis. I'm glad Meredith didn't forget that he's a character in this comic book series!

I think Meredith could have done a bit more research on his way of talking though! I would have said, "Diana. You are a very nice sister. I will help you to see. I will go on a hellride for you. You are the nicest sister in the world. You are so nice you would bring me McDonald's." Also, Diana would have shown up with McDonald's.

Whenever Milan shows up, I have to mention that I once met Wesley Willis at a concert in Portland. He sang a song he was working on at the time called, "My Roommate Fucked Me In The Ass." He was a brilliant musician.

Milan's clues lead Wonder Woman back to London and to a place called "A Twist of Fate." You'd think the Fates wouldn't set shop in a place with a name so on the nose. I'd imagine they'd be working at Michael's.

Donna surprises the Fates in their shop where they weave threads and fill growlers.

I guess in this version, you can only tell who's youngest by her breasts.

The Fates don't have Donna's thread so she can't die by their hands. She leaves while some other mysterious presence visits the Fates next and murders them. Diana stumbles upon the scene before the cutter of threads dies and burbles out some ambiguous rhymes that leaves Diana thinking that Donna murdered them. I've said this before and I'll say it again because I'm constantly writing about comic books but when you're saying your last words to somebody, try to be clear and concise! Your vagueness and ambiguity only leads to trouble!

As Wonder Woman exits the shop, she meets a street urchin who would make a better Wonder Girl than that awful Cassie over in Teen Titans! Before Diana can learn her name and give her an outfit, Aegeus and his flying horse (that isn't Pegasus because Pegasus is dead) attack. But he's no better at shooting arrows now than he was last issue.

Eww! That's kind of creepy if she means Aegeus was still breastfeeding at fourteen. I must be parsing this statement incorrectly!

Aegeus eventually gets a lucky shot when Diana thinks he's down for the count and hits her in the shoulder with one of his magic arrows. It causes Diana to bleed from her eyes and, once more, mention how Aegeus won't escape so easily as he easily escapes. Diana collapses in a heap of blood so that she can wake up being cared for in the street urchin's cardboard box next issue.

Wonder Woman #43 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was much better than previous issues. I'm going to assume it's because David Finch wasn't a part of it. It's probably just my intuition and not evidence-based at all that I believe Meredith Finch writes better when her husband isn't standing over her shoulder asking for more scenes where he can showcase Wonder Woman's boobs. This feels a bit derivative of Azzarello's run but that's a good thing. I don't mind if Wonder Woman is mostly caught up in the lives of the gods and the other Amazons in her own book. She can save the world over in Justice League. I just want to see her helping other people because it's the right thing to do. I have a feeling she's going to wind up hugging Aegeus and stroking his head and telling him he's well-loved. Then he'll weep and renounce being a dick and become a minor character in this comic book. And maybe his Pegasus is actually Pegasus returned. I said back when he died that he had a strong chance of coming back quickly since young girls and boys love winged horses. Pegasus can't die with all of that junior high school worship taking place. Anyway, I'm cautiously optimistic about the direction of this book right now. I would love to have a well-written Wonder Woman in a comic book I'm buying. I have no idea how things are going over in Sensation Comics since I don't pick that up, what with it not having been a New 52 book and all that jazz.