Justice League Dark #28

I'm still waiting for Etrigan to appear on a cover.

Blight was defeated last issue and the Thaumaton was defeated in the previous issue of The Blight crossover. So the magic guys have won, right? How many issues was this thing supposed to run? I remember it was a lot! I suppose after Forever Evil ends, the DC Universe is just going to slide right into the next huge crisis, right? Come on, Super Heroes! Get your universe under control already!

One thing that I forgot to mention because I forgot! Pandora, The Phantom Stranger, and Cassandra Craft were teleported out of the Thaumaton before it blew up. Or before they thought it was going to blow up. Because by Page Three, I notice Constantine and Zatanna are still sealed into the contraption.

Constantine just looks bored.

I guess I called the destruction of the Thaumaton too early. Felix Faust and Nick Necro manage to stop it from overloading by sticking a spear in the side of Zauriel and riding him onwards toward salvation. After the device is stabliized, Felix Faust tears the wings off of Zauriel. Does that mean that somewhere a bell has been unrung?

Meanwhile I discover that John looks bored because he's in limbo talking with Zatanna. Hmm. That came out wrong. His body looks bored because his mind is not inside of it! It's in a place called The Between (Jesus Christ. After all the boring names things were called in Lois Lane #1, I have to get the same shit from Constantine?) and it is able to talk with Zatanna's mind there. I bet it can also do other things but they really don't have two minutes to spare. That wasn't a joke about how long Constantine can last. It was a joke about how quickly Zatanna can reach orgasm. "Etarbiv sirotilc!"

While they've got a moment alone, Constantine tells Zatanna that she's the only thing he cares about. Zatanna obviously doesn't want to hear that shit about how she's somehow responsible now for Constantine's happiness. Not only does she have to worry about saving the world, now she has to worry about whether or not she hurts John's feelings while doing it? Fuck that selfish prick! Sometimes your true feelings should remain hidden out of compassion for the other person's feelings. Although I guess that doesn't matter to John. I called him a selfish prick for a reason, didn't I? Hopefully at the end of this mess, Zatanna will just say, "Uoy t'nod yllaer evol em, Nhoj." And then he'll go back to only caring about gathering magic doodads to make himself more powerful. I mean, to maintain the balance of power to help keep the world safe *cough*bullshit*cough*.

Oh crap. Not this asshole again.

Nick tries to get John and Zee to remember how awesome the sex was when the three of them were together on a bed of Oreos. He also wants them to know that the Thaumaton actually serves a pure purpose. It was built to destroy whatever The Crime Syndicate fears, the thing that destroyed Earth Three. He and Faust are helping to save the world, not to destroy it! Although working for the Crime Syndicate kind of hurts his believability. Maybe the thing the Crime Syndicate are afraid of is a good cosmic creature that isn't coming to destroy the Earth but to destroy the Crime Syndicate themselves? Even if Nick is telling the truth, I wouldn't help him out because he's a boring asshole in a tie. The only way I could hate him more is if he were wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

I guess Constantine is a boring asshole in a tie as well. But he has the trench coat which makes him cooler! Even if it was Nick's coat to begin with. Oh! He also has the accent! That's why he's better. English accents always make things better. Except for Scouse accents. Unless they're backed by music!

Nick's feelings are hurt when he's rejected by John and Zee so he pretends that he was lying just to trap them into the Thaumaton's firing mechanism. But the single, solitary tear falling down his face and the way he runs spastically from the room to go stuff his face full of the never dying love of a giant cheese pizza betrays his true feelings.

"...can manifest such a deep and mighty hate." I've never felt as close to Felix Faust as I do right now!

And then this:

If I hadn't just gained a Master Comic Book Reader Level during my Lois Lane #1 commentary, I'd level up right now! If the cheese pizza had manifested, I'd have gone up two levels!

Lastly, The Phantom Stranger decides to hire a babysitter to help them save the world but The Spectre will not allow it. So it looks like The Stranger and The Spectre are going to have a debate in the next episode of Forever Evil: Blight.

Justice League Dark #28 Rating: No change. Ha ha! Nick Necro cried the cliché single tear of sadness! That has to be the lowest moment of his life! What a loser jerk! I've never cried the single tear of sadness! Fuck it man. When I loved someone that didn't love me back, I full out bawled in front of police and the girl I loved! And the cops had the nerve to think I was crying because they were hassling me! So I yelled, "I'm not crying because of YOU!" Luckily they didn't arrest me or I might have sat in the jail cell which probably would have prompted me to cry the single tear of sadness. Whew! Close one! Embarrassment narrowly avoided!

Pandora #8

Purple on Purple violence.

Last issue of Forever Evil: Blight was in Constantine. He defeated Nick Necro but was then defeated by Felix Faust because his comic book was ending and the story needed to continue in Pandora. So it was kind of a tag team match-up. Constantine ran out of pages and had to be captured or else this comic book would say "PANDORA" on the front and then be about Constantine. And that's not fair! It would be bordering on fraudulent!

This issue is either called "Open Eyes" or "Eyes Open" and it begins at the same moment that Constantine #11 began as the Mini-Justice League Dark entered the Crime Syndicate's compound in Nanda Parbat. But the action quickly moves on to Deadman because he doesn't have a comic book of his own so he is allowed to share time with the title character. As the Sea King, he's also purple and it seems like this issue is about the purple people.

Nick calls The Sea King a "Poof" and reveals it's really Deadman.

Discovering that The Sea King is really Deadman causes Necro and Faust to put into motion the things that happened in Constantine #11. So five pages in and we're still living in the past. I guess we needed to know that Deadman was found out. I think I complain too much. Anyway, Constantine gets sucked away to his own book and story which we read last month where Necro winds up defeated but Faust triumphs. The rest of the Mini-Justice League Dark are overwhelmed by Necro's demon gaurds. Well, all of them except Zauriel.

The runes in the final panel say "magic shit" so I expect Francis Portela to resign in shame for offending my delicate nature.

Pandora surrenders after casting her magic shit spell because who can fight with a load in their underwear? I've never been able to. Everyone is attached to the Thaumaton except maybe Zauriel. He may have gotten away because how are Necro and Faust going to catch one of Dog's angels when even Constantine couldn't? Maybe if they had their own comic book titles, I'd believe they were capable. Or if Nick Necro was at all interesting. He's not a fitting nemesis for John Constantine. Faust is a bit better in that at least he's trying to look interesting. I don't know what look Necro is going for. Some kind of post-punk 1980s above rebellion change the system from within while making scads of money kind of thing? Faust's look is Royal Lich and Loving It. I can get behind that look.

This issue reveals that Constantine was brought down by Faust's spell, "Magic Fingers." Questions. The name of that spell raises many lewd questions which I will keep to myself this time. You're all thinking the same questions anyway. I can see it in your pants.

The Nightmare Nurse is strapped into the Thaumaton's firing chamber to test its capabilities with all of its new magic batteries. I don't know what the test blast is aimed at. Alderaan? She barely survives. Luckily she's some kind of demon from hell, so she'll probably heal quickly.

Nick wanders about looking for another subject to test the Thaumaton and it seems like it would be a good time for Constantine to remove the spell locking Deadman into The Sea King's body. Their deception was discovered so the body is no longer needed. And then Deadman can take over Necro or Faust. Or maybe just the facility's janitor since that would be easier. But Constantine misses his chance. At least for now. I'm sure relaeasing Deadman will come into play at some point. Maybe during Justice League Dark's next chapter.

Is she going to short circuit the machine with her magic poo?

And that's just what happens when Faust powers up the Thaumaton!

"And lo, shit rained down upon the men and women of the world for forty days and forty nights."

As the Thaumaton overloads and is on the precipice of blowing, Pandora teleports everyone to safety. At least that was her plan. She actually only teleports The Phantom Stranger and Cassandra Craft and herself to an island in the South Pacific. These must be the Magic Bikini Islands where the Thaumaton was aimed. Once she realizes she didn't save everybody and that they're all going to die in Nanda Parbat when the Thaumaton explodes, she declares they have to go back to rescue them. But they probably won't need her help since the next chapter takes place in Mini-Justice League Dark #28. I bet Zatanna and Frankenstein and Black Orchid and whichever other characters I've forgotten about finally make an appearance and do something besides act like a victim.

Pandora #8 Rating: No change. This commentary was just a "I feel like reading a comic book but am not all that amped for writing about it" commentary! These usually take longer to write because I keep stalling and trying to get in the mood but then never come up with anything I want to write about. Maybe Pandora just isn't inspiring enough! I've said all I can say about her and how she's being punished for no reason. What more is there? Where'd she get her outfit? I am a bit interested in that. It's quite a nice look. Something I'd feel comfortable wearing on a fancy night out on the town at Taco Bell.

Constantine #11

Seems rational.

I don't think Constantine is in love with Zatanna at all! He's not even in love with the idea of being in love! He's in love with the idea that he might possibly be able to love somebody even though he's destroyed so many lives in his selfish need to become more powerful (while lying to himself that he's actually just trying to keep balance in the magic realm) and also in love with the idea that a good person might possibly be able to love him back if he hides his true self to her and himself. Or he might just really love the feeling of his penis in Zatanna's vagina. That's a pretty distinct possibility.

This issue no longer has the Forever Evil label on it but they're still going after The Crime Syndicate's Thaumaton to save their magical allies. Did DC just forget? Or did they figure they could drop that after Blight was defeated and Chris the Redeemer was brought forth unto the world? You know what. I don't care.

Remember last issue when I did it all in crayon? That was pretty good, hunh? I'm not doing that this time!

So Justice League Dark have found themselves in Nanda Parbat infiltrating The Crime Syndicate's secret magic weapon headquarters thanks to Deadman's cover as The Sea King. That probably won't last long though before Ultraman hears about his return and comes to investigate.

That's what I wrote in the last Phantom Stranger issue! That if they'd just taken the time to discuss the whereabouts of their missing magic friends, they'd have realized Nanda Parbat was the only place they could be! You know, after San Francisco!

As soon as the Mini-Justice League Dark enter the temple where Zatanna and the others are being held, they trigger a trap by Nick Necro (whom I might hate even more than Condor) that causes everyone but Constantine and The Nightmare Nurse to disappear. That's okay! All of the others minus Zauriel have their own comic books! They don't need to be running around this one for no pay.

The Nightmare Nurse looks like Sailor Boner here!

And here as well! Vampire Tig who?

While I'm busy falling in love with The Nightmare Nurse, John and Asa break through all of Felix Faust's mystical traps to find themselves at the doorstep of the Thaumaton. Strapped to this huge device are all of their mystical friends, enemies, and acquaintances: Black Orchid, Cassandra Craft, Shade, Enchantress, Blackbriar Thorn, Blue Devil, Papa Midnite, and more. Any magic person who is any magic person in the DC Universe is here. Except Zatanna. That's when Constantine turns on The Nightmare Nurse, punches her, and asks who she really is! Of course it's Nick Necro in disguise.

Well damn! No wonder I was suddenly all lustful for The Nightmare Nurse! Before this issue, I thought she was cute and adorable and sexy in that devil may care that she's a devil kind of way! But that mostly had to do with her character. Okay, sure. The cute little devil nurse outfit may have intrigued me a bit! But suddenly after the initial trap was sprung, she was Male Gazed up to the gills! Because that's the only way Nick Necro has ever seen her! As a sexual object! So when he tried to portray her himself, The Nightmare Nurse was suddenly causing man and lady boners to pop up all over the place! That's probably how Constantine knew it was really Necro in disguise.

Nick Necro: "Let's see. How do I convince everybody I'm The Nightmare Nurse? Short skirt which means multiple glimpses of my underwear! Oh yeah, that's fucking hot. My nipples need to show through my thick leather clothing. That's a must! Legs about a third longer than normal so it's noticeable but I don't look like a freak. Big heeled boots will help give a boost to my height and ass! Let's see...what did her hair and face look like? Damn. Fuck if I know. I mean, I remember she had tits. And lips! And tits. Bah, it'll only be John I have to fool! I'm sure he's never really looked Ana in the face either!"

John and Nick tussle for a bit before John disappears for a moment to get his bearings. Or his teammates.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nicky baby. Remember this isn't a Vertigo title anymore. You can't just go sticking your dick into any old magician you want while a nearly naked woman in bondage watches.

John beats Nick Necro easily because Nick Necro sucks. The only way I might be willing to read another comic book with Nick Necro is if he joins some kind of Loser's Club with Condor and Warrant. But Constantine forgets about Felix Faust who reappears and knocks out John. Although this is John's best tactic, right? He lets the other magicians punch themselves out before he comes back and kicks their asses. If only Ann Nocenti were here to remind me what that is called!

Or maybe Constantine really got caught with his dick out this time.

The rest of his team are close by because they've also been securely locked into the Thaumaton.

Constantine #11 Rating: +4 Ranking. I don't know if it's my fault recently for not enjoying Constantine or if Constantine just has been getting the shitty chapters of Forever Evil: Blight. But whatever was going on, that's in the past with this issue! I really enjoyed it for some unquantifiable reason although the art was a big quantifiable plus. ACO (or Aco? (Or aco?)) really got the job done! Especially those parts with Nick Necro wearing female undergarments. Ha cha cha cha!

Justice League Dark #27

Who the fuck cares? The Sins have been utterly useless up until this point.

Last issue, Justice League Dark had realized that Chris the Babysitter couldn't be saved. At least Constantine thinks he realized that. The rest of the soft-hearted fools still think he can be saved. They've been listening to Gandalf again, haven't they? Gandalf is pro letting evil jerks live! And just because he was right in that one instance that saved the world, it doesn't mean his theory holds true across other situations.

If God can work in mysterious ways, why can't we work in mysterious ways too? I want to be able to commit crimes and use the defense that "I work in mysterious ways!" The judge should nod knowingly while sticking out his lower lip in contemplation of a well-told defense, and then he can instruct the jury to take into account that the defendant "works in mysterious ways" when deliberating. Why does God get to be special? Aren't we made in his image?

I was walking past a Carrera yesterday (it's a car!) and thought, "Cool! I want to drive a Gamera!" And then I reread the name and thought, "Stupid lousy font."

Is that enough rambling? Should I read the comic book now?

So anyway, things weren't going well at the end of Pandora #7.

Fight evil with evil? Does that mean...ETRIGAN?!

Zauriel, The Phantom Stranger, and Pandora have all faked their deaths again! Now they're inside of Blight searching for Hope. By Hope I mean Chris Esperanza just like I've meant it in every fucking Forever Evil: Blight commentary I've written! Try to keep up. What am I saying? Why should you keep up when I can't even keep up and I'm writing this shit? That's asking way too much of anybody. You know, asking someone to pay attention to something that's not about themselves. Oh! I bet that's why my only Follower is me!

Since The Phantom Stranger and Pandora and the Angel are resorting to an old plan, John decides to do the same thing. Once again, Swamp Thing and Deadman hit the front lines as distractions while he and the Nightmare Nurse make a little magic. If you know what I mean.

No, seriously. See? That's what I meant!

Constantine and The Nightmare Nurse give birth to their most vile thoughts and deeds. Blight versions of themselves are released into the world to battle Blight. This might be a case of introducing an invasive species into a non-native environment for the sole purpose of rooting out another invasive species. It's definitely not the plan I was hoping for! You know the one. The one where Nightmare Nurse drunk dials Etrigan and says, "Hey babe. We've got a situation. And you owe me, like, ten thousand or something. Can you Gone Gone The Form of Man your way over here? Thanks! Kisses!"

Meanwhile deep inside Blight's bloated belly, Zauriel stops Pandora and The Stranger from freeing Hope because, as Zauriel says, Hope isn't done yet. It needs to bake for another five to ten issues before it can emerge as a new Earthly Savior to save everybody on Earth. Hmm. Redundant!

Zauriel tells Pandora and The Stranger to follow their hearts while he battles Blight's inner defenses. Can't you be more clear? It's those fucking mysterious ways again, isn't it? Why does God even bother going through the motions if he's omniscient? Linear time must be so fucking boring for God. It's like sitting through Star Wars for the eleventh trillion time. I wonder how many times I've seen Star Wars? Has to be at least five.

Back in reality, John's beast-self is about to destroy Blight's host when The Nightmare Nurse's vile-self stops him. So, once again, Justice League Dark almost defeats Blight but somebody stops it from happening because they can't allow Chris the Babysitter to die. You know what? Fuck Chris the Babysitter! He died once already and was brought back to life! Just do that again! Unless it doesn't work that way. Maybe that's why Jesus Christ is never coming back! Because you only get one do-over! So forget about the Second Coming, people! Since technically the Second Coming would be the Third Coming. I think. The Bible is confusing.

But at least I understand enough of it to have realized that Chris the Babysitter was the Hope and the Light of Mankind. Just as The Phantom Stranger and Pandora finally realize when they awaken Chris with their love. Love is a synonym for genitalia, right?

I think this is the meaning of the Rainbow Connection! "The lovers! The Dreamers! And Chris! Babysitting all of us jerks! We know that he's probably a pedo!"

I also just understood why he was a babysitter! Because he's here to take care of all of us! And we're all babies in God's eyes! Except for me! I'm a man! With man feelings! Yeah yeah yeah!

And so Chris is free to redeem mankind. And since that's how I've been calling it for about twenty issues now, I've earned another level to my Comic Book Reader Class! I'm now a Master Comic Book Reader of Dragons!

And so, with Blight defeated, the psychic static clears and Constantine can once again feel Zatanna and the other magic users of the DC Universe. He knows where they are. They are cogs in The Thaumaton! That is θαυμάτων in proper Greek! Which means Wonderland! I think. Boy, I sure am wishy washy on everything I think I know!

Justice League Dark #27 Rating: No change! I went out to breakfast this morning and when I got home, a package was waiting for me from my mother. It had various surprises in it for Valentine's Day but this was the best one:

Yes, it's a pirated version she purchased from eBay. But fuck if you can find a legally purchased copy anywhere! She also sent me linguiça. Which is odd. But appreciated since I haven't had it in a very long time. My grandmother used to make it for me so it's a very special sausage. Shut up.

Pandora #7

Wouldn't this cover look great in crayon?!

I thought about doing the rest of the Forever Evil: Blight issue commentaries in crayon but then decided it would just feel like trying desperately to hold on to the magic of my Constantine #10 commentary. Plus I need to buy more crayons. Preferably one of the large boxes with the built-in crayon sharpener. Although I have a feeling that if I did the crayon version of every comic book I read from here on out, this blog could become a huge hit. That's the kind of gimmick that people love to see one time and then never remember seeing a few months later. But who needs longevity in this day and age, right? I don't think that actually exists anymore.

Part of my theory for the Blight story line was that Chris was a Christ-figure and he was going to have to be betrayed by The Phantom Stranger and martyred in order to save the world. But now with this cover, it looks like "Light" is what is going to be needed to defeat "Blight." I guess one doesn't negate the other. The Light of Chris will defeat the evil in men's souls. But probably not women's. Their evil is always so much more personal and hurtful! Men are like, "I'm going to be super evil because I want the most shit and power! Whoever gets in my way will be struck down!" And women are all, "I'm going to be super evil to just you, on the down low, because you didn't notice my new hair cut. And I will fucking destroy you for it, no matter how long it takes." Children are just plain, "I'm fucking evil, motherfucker! Give me all the attention and all the candy! Fuck your needs and desires! Deal with me!"

Last time we saw The Mini-JLD, they had just returned to heaven with a new partner: Zauriel. He has decided to help Constantine in his quest to save Zatanna because he believes in love. What a naive bitch.

They're like a bunch of tarot cards. Or a new Chess Set. Hmm. I wonder if I should design a chessboard game pitting these seven against Blight and the last six Sins?

Pandora reveals that when she was in Heaven, she was simply asked by Dog, "What are you?" She seemed to know who she was at various points along her 10,000 year life but now she's at a loss. What the fuck is left of a person after 10,000 years? Can you continue to grow or do your edges just get constantly worn away year after year by tedium and entropy? What kind of goals can you have when you have all the time in the world to obtain them? Seems like whatever you wanted, you could eventually get. Whatever you believed would eventually not make any sense as the world changed around you. According to notes made by my first grade teacher on my report card, I'm roughly the exact same person I was at six that I am now at forty-two. And every new generation that appears really isn't any different than the one before it, no matter how much more wise they like to think they are with modern thoughts. But they'll learn. We were all at that peak of youthful passion at one point or another. We all thought the same thoughts and knew how the world should be and how we'd all get along. But as the years pass, you see yourself betrayed by your own generation, stabbed in the back by the power hungry and materialistic masses that never felt the same way at all and continued to perpetuate the institutionalized bullshit that you thought your generation was going to change. Imagine seeing how human culture never really changes either, even after 10,000 years. I imagine I'd feel pretty weary and bitter by this time. Youthful optimism would be long gone, leaving me just a mass of bristling, resentful, raggedly raw nerves. Completely cynical. Angry. Hateful. Burnt out. Hell, fuck ten thousand years! That sounds like me now!

At least Pandora still has her looks.

This is pretty close, in a metaphorical way, to what I was just saying!

This brings to bear the one truly new thing that I hope can make a difference. The internet. Before the internet, the lights were mostly isolated. People cultivated friendships with others that felt the same way about positive change. But they were still surrounded by mostly shallow, uncaring people. Ideas could be shared but it took a lot more effort and they had to fight across vast expanses of darkness to alight on like minds. But the internet enables all like minds to connect. Maybe that will be a good thing. Although it might also be bad, seeing as how movements tend to fracture and split over petty differences. Perhaps the internet will just increase the pace that movements devolve into multiple movements that share basically the same goal but bicker and fight over the particulars. I know I see this all the time on Tumblr and I like to think most of it is just youthful passion looking for any opponent and that that will be tempered with time. I know that I've been written off by people quite a few times simply due to my facetious nature on this blog and I don't always treat certain subjects with the proper gravitas others believe is required. That's fine. Every individual can only interpret things the way they interpret things and if I anger somebody, I can't be upset at them for lashing out at me. I often say stupid things for a laugh, say crass things for satirical purposes, and can get plain disgusting in some people's eyes if they think masturbation should not be talked about (and celebrated!) in a public place.

In the end, the only thing I really hope for all of us looking to improve our society is that we concentrate our attacks on the darkness rather than trying to prove that our light shines brighter than the other lights.

Oh look. Fawkes continues with the lights as well.

You should just ignore all of that previous shit. Just remember this: Scott Lobdell is the true evil.

Pandora comes to the conclusion that she can become host to the Light just as Chris is host to the Blight. That's nicely symmetrical, right? And she believes that the world still has a chance to be saved as long as there is still hope. But Chris's last name is Esperanza which means hope! So as long as Chris lives, Blight can be defeated! The Justice League Dark must take care to win Chris the Redeemer back to their side so that he can banish The Blight from his body.

This new incarnation of the Seven Soldiers of Victory meet Blight and his army in the middle of the George Washington Bridge in New York. But the real crux of the battle is the hand-to-hand combat between Pandora and Chris, Light and Blight. Pandora uses the light of everyone around the world with any kindness within them. In Constantine #10, Pandora said she was shown the goodness within each of her companions. And now she uses that knowledge to help make her stronger. And she's able to drive The Blight away.

For now! This Crossover is far from over!

Pandora and The Phantom Stranger take mercy on Chris and let him live. I believe that's the right thing to do although Constantine wants them to kill him. And he's kind of proven right when The Blight retakes Chris who begins choking the shit out of The Phantom Stranger. But that's just because this story has many more issues to go. Like keeping Gollum alive in The Lord of the Rings, the team will eventually only defeat The Blight by keeping hope alive. Hope being Christ the Babysitter!

Blight dissipates The Phantom Stranger before being tackled off the bridge by Pandora where they both sink to the bottom of the river. John asks himself, "What do we do now, John?" and Zauriel answers, "What do you think?" What he thinks is that they need to finish the fight once and for all, so it looks like they're going to have to take a dip into the river. Or get Deadman to fish Pandora and Blight out.

Pandora #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Another good chapter in The Blight Crossover even though it didn't really afford any opportunities for vulgarity and mean-spirited comments.