The Flash #50

Come on, DC. The Flash should at least make the cover of his own comic book.

The Review
The Flash is still considered a bad guy because The Riddler is apparently such a genius that he manipulated all of the time travel events in such a way that it turned everybody against The Flash. Or maybe he's just decided to take advantage of the fact that Captain Frye is a huge idiot and doesn't know the difference between criminals and heroes. I realize that line is super fuzzy in the DC You (and possibly other comic book universes but these commentaries don't focus on those universes). This comic book is still bad and relies on tired plot points and stupid readers. I may be stupid in a lot of ways but I'm not a Stupid Comic Book Reader at all! I'm a Grand Master Comic Book Reader and I declare this is a terrible comic book.

The Commentary
I have a feeling I'm going to be buying a lot more comic books than usual in May thanks to some of these titles being so far behind. Issue #50 on April 28th?! Looking up the release dates of the last two issues of PreRebirth Flash comic books, I see another one is due next week and Issue #52 is due the day Rebirth begins. I suppose that'll be the same for all of the other books that are way behind, like Justice League and Batgirl and Black Canary and Cyborg. Although maybe Black Canary and Cyborg have caught up by now. And also, they don't have the same amount of pressure on them as the comics that need to get their 52nd issue published, so maybe they'll just wrap up whenever. Not that it matters to me since Cyborg really could have wrapped up before it even started. Such a boring comic book!

When we last left The Flash, Central City's Police Department was acting like it was Backwards Law Day. They decided The Flash needed to be arrested while they began paying known criminals to help catch The Flash. I get that superhero comic books have been published for so long that there just aren't many new stories to tell, especially if the writer isn't very imaginative, but can we stop writing this story about how the law turns against the good guys so desperately that they ignore all the wrongdoing super villains have done? From now on, when a writer walks into a pitch meeting and says one of the following, I would like the editors to just shoot them in the head:

"Get this...the superhero loses all of her powers!"
"Imagine, if you can, the superhero...is framed by the bad guy and everybody loses trust in him!"
"You're going to call me crazy, but how about this for the next Superman story: he faces an alien that is more powerful than he is!"
"The theme of our Wonder Woman run will be how Wonder Woman has time for both a social life and a working life! Plus she should be seen in the shower a lot!"
"The hero falters but the people rise up to do the heroes job and the hero acknowledges that we are all the hero!"
"I don't know if this has ever been done but how about a Justice League story where they're beaten down for four issues and then, in the fifth issue, they rise up and win the day through sheer force of forcefulness!"
"What if we have some thing...I don't know what to call it...maybe a crisis? And it will involve all of the heroes and change continuity in critical ways and maybe renumber the comic books too!"
"Have we ever considered lobbying congress to demand a law be passed that forces people to buy our products the way that Obamacare forces people to buy corporate insurance or face severe tax penalties? Fucking geniuses, those guys!"

There are hundreds more like the story where a bad guy kills a female second cousin of the protagonist and the protagonist has grief. Or the one where the female hero is raped by the bad guy and experiences grief. Or the one where the male protagonist's mother is raped and killed so that the male protagonist grieves. Or the one where the sidekick is killed so that Batman gets a chance to grieve.

How about telling your aunt to stop publishing untrue articles about how dangerous The Flash is when all of the death and destruction was caused by other people. She's a lousy fucking reporter.

Iris is on scene as The Flash is arrested to ask Captain Frye one question: "What the hell are you doing?" Am I wrong? Did I remember things incorrectly? Didn't Iris write an article with a headline that was like and probably not exactly "FLASH: MENACE OR BIGGER MENACE?!" which questioned the safety of The Flash operating in Central City after the police headquarters were destroyed? I suppose if she did, it was enough issues in the past that nobody is going to read this bit about Iris and think, "What a fucking hypocrite she is!"

Meanwhile, The Trickster reports back to his new boss who I guessed was Ron Howard with Heat Wave in a fish tank. But judging by his green suit and gloves, it's obviously The Riddler with Heat Wave in a fish tank. He has plans to take over Central City in the same way that he could never take over Gotham. But first he had to get the law to turn against The Flash which was totally easy because he lives in the DC Universe where everybody simultaneously hates and loves superheroes, depending on which way the plot needs them to feel.

Flash's dad calls in a favor to help his son break out of prison before he gets unmasked. That means Girder and Overload take a hit on their sentences simply to help out. Maybe they're good guys too and I didn't realize it because of Central City's Backwards Law Day.

This is another horrible comic book trope. If there's a power outage, all of the prisoners go free because DC Prisons can't afford manual locks or electronically controlled locks that simply remain locked if the power goes out.

The Flash saves all of the cops and prison guards before Overload causes a massive explosion. This brings us to the next example in what seems to be a comic book meant to showcase lazy plotting: Captain Frye once again trusts The Flash because The Flash saved his life. I mean, The Flash saved his life when the Police Department exploded as well but I guess that was just normal Flash saving lives life saving. This was extenuating circumstances Flash saving lives where he saves the lives of people actively incarcerating him for no fucking good reason at all.

Flash now has to stop a massive prison break and riot at Iron Heights because that's just a thing that heroes have to deal with now that cell doors can't seem to stay locked. But at least maybe Iris will write an article with a new headline: FLASH CAUSES PRISON RIOT WHILE ESCAPING CUSTODY! Hmm, maybe that isn't the direction she should go with this story.

Flash saves all of the guards but doesn't attempt to stop the inmates himself since they're stuck on an island for a bit. I mean, the ones who can't fly are. Unless they pay the ones who can fly to fly them off. Anyway, forget about the prison! It doesn't matter anymore. It's time for The Flash to battle the Rogues again because Captain Frye hasn't had the chance to tell them they've been fired. Although if they can save his life, maybe he'll rehire them and begin mistrusting The Flash once more.

It's during the battle that The Riddler makes his big reveal and explains his motivations. You see, he noticed The Flash has never been beaten and he wanted to take a crack at beating him. Christ, Enigma. You're supposedly super smart but you can't figure out that there are cities in the world that don't have resident superheroes? You couldn't beat Batman who has no superpowers so you decide to go against the one that has arguably the greatest super power of all? You really are a delusional megalomaniac!

The backup story is about Wally West playing dodge ball but I stopped reading it when it was revealed the fat kid's nickname was Chunk. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen.

I lied! I kept reading it! But then I stopped when it was revealed the red headed kid is a mean bully. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

Okay, I lied again! The story is about Wally West meeting a future dead version of himself who time traveled to explain the changes Wally's body has been going through. Do I even need to say it a third time? Yes, yes I do! Simply because it feels good! Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

I probably shouldn't be writing such mean things to my theoretical best friend Van Jensen (according to Facebook in which we share one friend in common!) but The Flash really has been terrible with all of this time travel stuff. Van Jensen is at least acknowledging that it's a bunch of bullshit when he has time traveling Wally West say, "Time travel, dude. Don't even get me started." It's possible all of this time travel crap was editorially mandated because Brian Cunningham has a sexual fetish for horribly contrived time travel stories. Also he might just find the time travel stuff the most fascinating thing about The Flash. It's actually the worst thing. Even DC themselves tried to stop all of that bullshit with Flashpoint and The New 52 and putting a moratorium on time travel. But that didn't last because horrible writers decided it was still okay to have people time travel from different non-Flashpoint timelines into the Flashpoint timeline. Those horrible writers were Fabian Nicieza, Scott Lobdell, and Tom DeFalco. Also possibly others.

Justice League #38

The ability to turn his clothing into peanut brittle?

I'm going to become as great a detective as Batman! It shouldn't take too long because I don't mean to become the greatest martial artist or the greatest thrower of boomerangs or the greatest gravelly voiced, self-righteous asshole. I'm just going to be learn how to detectivate! And to get started, I'm going to read this:

It looks like Trixie Belden's first step in solving any mystery is to drop acid.

I don't currently have any acid so I'll have to learn to solve mysteries straight-edge style! Anyway, if I did drop some acid, the recursion on this cover would fuck me up. "But the girl on the book is reading this book! And it has a picture of herself reading the book that she's on the cover on! How have I not needed to pee for the thirteen straight weeks I've been looking at this cover?"

The inside cover blurb says, "So sharpen your pencils and your wits and join America's favorite girl detective for mystery, adventure—and fun!" Is Trixie Belden really America's favorite girl detective? What about Nancy Drew? Or Velma? Or the gayer Hardy Boy?

Lesson One is about Fingerprints! It's introduced with a cute little scene:

Trixie's "friend" Honey slips comfortably into the chair beside Trixie and hands her a book on fingerprints as she casually strokes Trixie's inner thigh. "Chick this shit out, bitch." Trixie picked up the book and casually, so as not to offend her friend, moved Honey's hand away from her sweetest of spots. "Hey, Honey! Did you know this fact I just learned about identical twins?!" Honey grinned mischievously and said, "You know it, Darling."

Then there's a ten question quiz to see how much you know about fingerprints! I'm no Batman but I want to learn to be like him, and if you do as well, take the test with me!

Answer True or False.
1. Fingerprint patterns are formed before birth. I say that's true! God thinks them up and then stamps them on the baby before he shoves it up the mother's vagina while she's sleeping.
2. Only on the fingertips can we find the ridge designs that make prints. False! Notice the quiz didn't end that sentence with "fingerprints"! It's kind of a trick question! Because my toes make prints too! I'm looking at them right now as I chew off this huge, yellow toenail!
3. Although no two fingerprints are alike, they all follow a few basic patterns of whorls, loops, and arches. False! Are those the technical terms used by detectives? What about rings and spirals, fairy bladders and duck spunk?
4. Identical twins have identical fingerprints. False! Their fingerprints are mirror images of each other! And the one whose fingerprint whorls go counter-clockwise is the evil twin!
5. A print on the left forefinger is the same as the print on the right forefinger of an individual. False! I'm looking at my own fingerprints and they're mirror images of each other! Like with twins! My left hand is evil! I hope it's not cheating looking at your fingerprints during the quiz.
6. If an injury to a fingertip causes a scab to form and fall off, the print always grows back in the same pattern. True! Law enforcement wouldn't even bother taking fingerprints if this were false! And criminals would constantly have bleeding fingertips. If it were true, you could just catalog all of the people that purchased belt sanders!
7. If one finger on a hand has a loop pattern, the other fingers all have loop patterns. False! My index has loops but my middle finger has arches and my third finger has whorls! I guess my pinky has duck spunk.
8. Some persons, unable to write, have "signed" wills and contracts with their fingerprints. Who cares? Why is this question in the quiz? It doesn't help me become a better detective! Unless, I guess, it shows that fingerprints are unique and can easily identify individuals. So, um, true! Don't be mad at me, Trixie Belden!
9. Ridge designs that make the prints have remained on fingers months after the person has died—and they have been used as clues. True! So don't try robbing my house, you dumb zombies.
10. A criminal who has had skin grafted to his fingertips to make them absolutely smooth need never worry again about being arrested on the basis of fingerprint evidence. True! As long as they don't spend hours in the bathtub where they'll get their fingerprints back.

The answers are:

1. True. I knew it!
2. False. Ha ha! Easy peasy!
3. True. I guess I was wrong about the fairy bladders and the duck spunk designs.
4. False. Bingo!
5. False. I got it right by detective work and not cheating!
6. True. Move over Robin!
7. False. Once again, correct by using deduction! Or seduction, maybe?
8. True. Winner, winner, vegan dinner!
9. True. I knew zombies were real!
10. False. What?! No way! The answers have a bogus story about a cop noticing a guy with no fingerprints and investigating him due to his suspicions which uncovered the man's criminal history. Bah! That's not being arrested due to fingerprint evidence! That's due to being arrested because of a cop that is breaking the fucking law and harassing somebody just because he didn't like the cut of his jib!

I'll take another lesson the next time I'm reminded that I want to be like Batman. I got 8 out of 10 right which is like 90%! With that score and an IQ of 28, I'm practically Sherlock Holmes already.

Now that I'm a Detective in Training, I have found a clue that tells me Geoff Johns doesn't know the definition of the word "conversely."

Batman has become infected with the Amazo Virus and can now unleash a Sonic Bat Scream. He uses it to defeat Patient Zero and humiliate Superman and Wonder Woman who were getting nowhere trying to subdue the monster.

Batman now has all the powers that a person would expect from somebody named "Batman" like echo-location. Batman decides that the Amazo Virus must base the super powers on the psychology of the person infected which is why Batman can now echo-locate like a bat. But Batman also says he's now blind so either Batman is dumb or Geoff Johns is because bats aren't blind at all! This is the kind of hooey I'd expect from an Ann Nocenti book! Batman does know bats fly, right? So he should be able to fly! Unless he only gets the one power which we'll call "Bat-Sense" since it seems to include blindness and echo-location which seem like two things to me but what do I know? Also, how did Batman not go deaf when he knocked out Patient Zero with his echo-location blast? Shouldn't it have come back at him?

Oh, maybe that's what's going on in this panel! He's being hit by his bounced back sound waves. Or he drank too much Bat-gin.

On the opposite page is the advertisement for Constantine's season premiere. You know what would have been better than constantly running ads for a show from October 24th, DC? How about running ads of when Constantine was going to return from its mid-season break the way you ran ads for The Flash and Arrow? I just happened to catch Constantine last Friday already on at 8:10 PM because I was getting ready to set up the Channelmaster to record it at 10:00 PM. And it wasn't the second half of the story that ended the season finale, so I guess I missed an episode the week before! You know what that tells me? No advertising for its return and changing the time when it did return? The show isn't getting another season. Fuckers. Just as it seems to be finding its groove! Felix Faust as villain with the Chaz back-story stuff was a good episode!

Batman collapses so Superman and Wonder Woman fly him and Patient Zero back to Luthor so he can save everybody. But speaking of Luthor, he was shot in the head at the end of last issue. But off-panel, of course, which means he wasn't actually dead. My guess was that Captain Cold protected him with an ice shield.

Yawn. Of course.

Just because I guessed that and every other major plot point in The New 52 since it began (probably! I wouldn't bother fact checking that statement because you'd just waste your time realizing it's true. Plus, just because it hasn't yet been revealed that Harvest is actually Vampire Tim Drake from the future, it doesn't mean he isn't), that doesn't mean I still guess everything that will happen in a comic book. Especially silly bullshit like this:

One winter it was so cold in Nebraska, I ran outside my front door and broke my nose on the air. True story!

Luthor needs to find out why people are trying to assassinate him, once over in Batman Loves Superman and twice in Justice League. So he wakes Neutron, the assassin that knocked over the vial containing the Amazo Virus and started this whole mess, from his coma to ask him some questions like, "Why did you try to kill me?" and "Why doesn't anybody love me?"

Before he can get any answers, Superman and Wonder Woman arrive with Patient Zero and Infected Batman. Luthor quickly wipes away his tears and begins working on the cure.

It takes Lex about thirty seconds to admit he can't cure anybody with this guy's blood and that he needs Superman's blood because Superman has already developed antibodies to the virus. He developed them four years ago when Luthor used it against him like a big jerk. Superman wastes more time being upset that Luthor wasted so much time before admitting to his subterfuge.

Who cares if Lex is lying, Superman? He has a completely valid excuse to try to protect the world against Phantom Zone escapees. Why should anybody trust you to take care of it? Especially when we've already seen how well that works out. It's like other countries having to rely on America to defend them as America gives them a big old shit-eating grin and says, "Trust us."

And then everybody comes out of their comas and begins talking like they are Legion because they're all now controlled by the Virus which is apparently some kind of hive mind single entity thing.

Justice League #38 Rating: No change. Oh! I've seen this kind of thing before in Detective Comics where Batman had the antibodies inside him that could save everybody in Gotham so he had to fly above them and pee all over everybody. So that's how Superman can save the world! He can drink a whole bunch of lemonade and then fly super fast all around the world with his cock hanging out and spraying his super urine into everybody's mouths! You probably don't even need to read Issue #39 since my track record of guessing plots is 100%.

Justice League #34

Meet your Early Autumn 2014 Justice League! *Are You Ready For This begins playing*

Ten members of the Justice League and only 1/2 of one of them is black? That's fucked up, DC. At least Power Ring has upped the female to male ratio to "not even close to adequate." It's also upped the number of members deemed way too dangerous to be on the team to three! I think Batman needs to perfect his interview process. Currently it amounts to this:

Batman: "Everybody who knows my secret identity, you're hired!"

Although for a guy worried about his secret identity getting out, what was he thinking telling Green Lantern his real identity when he first met him during the invasion of Darkseid? No wonder the Bat-Family was so concerned that he told The Joker their secrets. Which he actually did! Kind of! You know, that one time he visited him in Arkham as Bruce Wayne! Batman is an asshole.

Captain Cold has taken a job with Lexcorps as some kind of head of security or threat assessment manager or something. Also, he sleeps in his glasses. Also also, he thinks he's smarter than Lex Luthor.

Oh Leonard. Too bad The Calculator wasn't a Rogue. He'd help you do the math. About three and a half billion people are smarter than you, Lenny. And only one of those people is smarter than Lex Luthor. It's Niles Caulder, by the way.

This issue is the epilogue to "Injustice League" which was the story of Lex, Power Ring, and Captain Cold joining the Justice League. It was also the story of The Doom Patrol but since their story involved so much abuse at the hands of that asshole Niles Caulder, it wasn't worth mentioning in the title.

This issue begins with unlikely teammates Superman and Lex Luthor battling a lactating Grodd.

Gross.

Lex, being the smartest person on Earth, begins committing logical fallacies all over the place. Superman, being the dopiest guy on Earth, begins spouting trite cliches he probably heard Ma use every weekend.

Ma Kent: "Why son, if I had a nickel for every time you locked that bathroom door saying you were reading only to have to get Pa to fix what looked like a shotgun blast in the sheet rock, I'd be richer than a possum's lawyer on Labor Day."

While Lex and Supes bicker, Grodd coughs up semen and lactates. He probably just got done masturbating into his own mouth because, even though he's sentient, he's still a Goddamned ape!

Not that apes are the only creatures that masturbate into their own mouths!

I wonder if Salmon try to spawn on their friends? Imagine spending one of your final acts on Earth spraying your best friend in the face with your semen. Leave this earth on a hearty belly laugh!

Stop thinking about Batman and how rich he is! You're fighting a telepath, jerko!

Here I've been calling Lex Luthor the smartest man on Earth and he doesn't understand Batman's role on the Justice League? Batman plays the most important role of all! He plays the part of the angry, silent father that everybody tiptoes around because they're afraid he's going to blow up and start beating everyone with a two by four! I think that's important to promote ambition and to keep members of the team focused! Unless the most important role is played by Superman. That's the role of the loving, inclusive mother that makes sure all of her children feel special and capable of going out into the world and doing whatever they want. Wonder Woman plays the role of older sister that nobody knows what to do with so she re-imagines herself every few years trying to find a personality that other people will flock to. Aquaman plays the role of Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch or Scrappy Doo from Scooby Doo or Sam from Diff'rent Strokes; a character that never needed to be added to the story and everybody hated except for contrarian assholes that have to point out how Aquaman is hyper-cool, thus ignoring his best and silliest aspects in favor of grimnity and strengthcity.

Superman decides to quote Albert Einstein because it's always impressive to be able to tell somebody what somebody else once said so that your opinion sounds important even though people would rather have your own honest opinion in your own words over some quote by some dead guy that is only known for having crazy hair and selling lots of posters to college kids of himself with his tongue stuck out.

I once interfaced with a ring that played havoc with my programming too! But that was college so it was well within the parameters of acceptable aberrant behavior!

Aberrant is a dangerous word to use! I bet I caused a lot of mouths to froth with that statement! But I wasn't using "aberrant" in a collective sense! I was using it in a personal sense! Like in "I did something that strayed from the pattern of behavior I had established in the previous twenty years of my life!" But nobody wants to hear that story! It's boring!

Okay, okay! I'll tell it! I realized that I'd been ordering my fast food meals all wrong! Onion rings over french fries was totally the way to go!

Ha ha! Oh, Arnold Drummond! What a cut-up!

While Cyborg thinks up a reason to quote B.A. Baracus next, The Flash informs Power Ring's host that she's in a shit bunch of trouble.

Fuck the Timbers!

Speaking of Sullivan's Gulch, there is a Fred Meyer in that location. It has two distinct entrances, one from Broadway that's probably the entrance most people not familiar with Sullivan's Gulch use and a side entrance near an overpass over I-84. If you were a dumb guy that wasn't very smart and mostly kind of dumb, you might think that there were two Fred Meyers in Sullivan's Gulch. But there aren't. There's just the one. So next time you're having Thanksgiving with your family, Mr. Hypothetical Guy, and you're thinking about telling a story involving the two different Fred Meyers located in Sullivan's Gulch, you might want to check out a map of the area first.

Jesus Christ, I'm such a patronizing dickhead sometimes! All the time? A good portion of the time!

Jessica the Host realizes she's found a Major Artifact that has a high ego and she doesn't have the strength to not give in to its will. Is there a place in the DC Universe where you can rent a Gollum to bite off ring fingers? Or--I should correct myself--middle fingers wearing power rings? Why do Lanterns always wear rings on their middle fingers? Maybe I haven't been as observant a I should be and only humans wear them on their middle fingers so they don't look like wedding rings purchased by a spouse with no taste. Although since nobody in the DC Universe is allowed to get married, the ring on the ring finger shouldn't cause any confusion. Hell, I don't even know what hand the wedding ring is supposed to be on!

Maybe DC artists just thought they could get away with having Lanterns flip people the bird by sticking it on the middle finger?

Jessica freaks out because Barry isn't the best guy in situations where people have to remain calm. Where's Batman when you need that angry, stoic, inaccessible father figure?!

Later (I guess it's later because Lex is not longer bothering Superman) Lex is bothering Wonder Woman.

Lex answers honestly by saying helping others is a means to a selfish end. Wasn't he paying attention when Superman quoted Einstein earlier?!

After this scene, the comic book has a double page advert for Gotham with lots and lots of rave, one word reviews with the web addresses of the sites that said those one words. Why didn't I rave about Gotham so that I could get some free press just by saying one word about Gotham! I could have done it without being a dick! Here are some quotes from Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea that DC can use in their next advertisement. These are also applicable to The Flash, Arrow, and Constantine (although I haven't seen Constantine yet. I'm sure they'll work. They're just a few words!).

"Watchable!"
"Comic books on the TV?! WHAT?!"
"Remember when James Gordon was in that show where they celebrated Chrismukkah? How dare those Jews take the 't' out of Christ!"
"I bet Selina Kyle is going to be hot when she's older! She's kind of hot now!"
"I bet Bruce Wayne is going to be hot when he's older! He's kind of hot now!"
"Why was that scientist keeping a monkey in a particle accelerator?!"
"It's a tv show! On TV!"
"The show would look better if Jim Lee first scribbled on all of the actors' faces."
"Remember when Harvey Bullock was in Grounded for Life? No? How about The Tao of Steve?"
"Why is Alfred Pennyworth such a stupid, stodgy, cock blockage?"
"I can't wait for Professor Pyg to appear so he can de-sex everything!"
"Where's The Joker? I want to see Baby Joker!"
"How dare you thinwash The Penguin!"
"Not enough blimps! Or spotlights!"
"Why didn't NBC announce John Constantine was bisexual in the first press release?! Fuck this show! How dare they not acknowledge his sexuality immediately! Fuck you, DC!"
"Looking for abdomen muscles? Look no further!" (That one would probably best be used for Arrow!)
"Why isn't this show called 'Captain Cold' for fuck's sake?!"

That's probably more than enough quotable quotes. Now I just have to sit back and reap the benefits! I wish my pal Sterling Gates would point his buddy Geoff Johns this way so he can pick which quote he likes best for his new shows!

Whoops! I completely interrupted a touching moment in the comic book with my need for fame!

Sometimes, I can't tell if I'm dead inside or I'm just immune to sappy bullshit.

What is wrong with the psychiatric community?! This is how you cure sociopaths! Third world children hug and flower therapy! Sociopaths will never not feel again after undergoing months and months of torturous, sappy bullshit!

Lex Luthor, after receiving his 63rd round of Flower/Hug Therapy: "Oh! I get it! I finally get it! She has too many flowers and she needed to wipe her hands on me!"

Batman and Superman plan to bust Lex Luthor for some trumped up charge simply because he does thing differently than they do. Sure, some of those things might be illegal and some might be dangerous to the populace at large and some might be inherently selfish and some might be plans to work with Owlman of the Crime Syndicate in exchange for getting him Superwoman's child...but I don't think any of those things are reasons to jump to the conclusion that he can't be trusted! The Justice League are a bunch of jerks.

Justice League #34 Rating: +4 Ranking. This series has had more misses than hits. But this month was delightful. Or maybe I just really entertained myself during the commentary. One of those.

Justice League #31

She'll probably become the Green Lantern that Hal Jordan used to be. You remember? No time for cosmic shenanigans. He just stopped bank robberies and muggings and such.

I'll probably spend most of this commentary fixing my image tags after typing "JL32.jpg". Maybe that's an exaggeration. I'll probably spend about 1/1000th of my time typing this up fixing the image tags. DC Comics should just skip a number when numbering this series so it can get back in sync with the other original New 52 titles.

Last issue, Lex Luthor paid a visit to Bruce Wayne because he's the only person in the whole world that somehow made the connection between Nightwing being Robin being Dick Grayson and Bruce Wayne being Dick's ward. At this point, I don't think I'd be too impressed to be the smartest man on New Earth because it appears everybody else on New Earth is a complete moron.

This is when Alfred runs in excitedly wearing a Batman baseball cap and waving a Batman pennant and screaming giddily, "Master Bruce! Master Bruce! Batman is currently on the news battling The Sloth in downtown Gotham!" And Lex Luthor goes, "Oh? I guess I was wrong about you, Bruce. No way Batman could have devised such a cunning piece of legerdemain to derail my suspicions!" And Bruce will be, "Sorry you wasted your time, Lex. But I have some women to bang, so if you'll excuse me."

Bruce's first attempt to dissuade Luthor is to pull the "that's a preposterous idea" card. Act aghast at the unlikelihood of the idea and maybe Lex will buy it. Except that tactic is basically telling Lex Luthor he's stupid and he jumped to an incorrect conclusion. Even if Lex was wrong (which he isn't!), Lex couldn't be convinced that he's wrong because he's a narcissist. And if his genius and intuition has led him to a certain belief, he's going to believe that belief no matter what anybody says because he's so fucking smart that he couldn't have guessed wrong.

Bruce continues the "this is all too ridiculous to even consider" ploy even though it isn't working so he moves on to the exit plan I detailed above.

That sounds like a shotgun! Did Alfred forget to frisk Lex when he let him in?!

The "CHAK" sound effect was not a shotgun at all. It was the sound of Lex removing a pistol from his inner coat pocket. That's an odd sound effect but then I've never removed a pistol from a pocket, so I can't say it's not the appropriate sound effect. The important thing to remember is that Alfred failed at his job and should be canned immediately.

Lex thinks pointing a gun at Bruce Wayne will prove that Bruce is Batman. Hasn't Lex already seen footage of Bruce Wayne kicking ass? It happens occasionally! But Batman won't resort to it this time because it would seem to give him away. But isn't not kicking the gun out Lex's hand proof that he's Batman since Bruce has done it before in front of loads of witnesses. If he doesn't do it now, it's because he's trying to prove he's not Batman! So that means he is Batman!

Alfred comes to Bruce's rescue by putting a pistol to Lex's head. I don't think Alfred would make that mistake. I get that it's showy and cinematic to have the gun come off-screen to rest against the target's head but only idiots give up the advantage of having a gun by getting within melee range. Also, I think Alfred would have brought his shotgun. And what about Titus? Titus could have mauled Lex Luthor and saved the day! Although Batman has been traveling around the world lately with Titus so that might wind up being the last proof Lex needs to pin Batman on Bruce Wayne.

Lex Luthor blows up Bruce's grandfather clock because Lex smelled bat guano behind it. This reveals the passage down to the batcave. I knew Batman should have stuck with the Shakespeare's head button to open the secret entrance to the Batman and Robin poles. Now Lex knows for certain that Bruce is Batman! I guess he'll have to be killed and/or have his memory thoroughly erased. Again.

Meanwhile Cyborg and Shazam are bored with saving the world.

Now see, this is a more interesting question than which super hero can beat up which other super hero. Which hero would be champion of Ping Pong?

Also meanwhile, Captain Cold pays a visit to Lexcorp so that they can run tests on him to see if he's a candidate for Project: Wannabee. Not that Captain Cold knows that's why they're taking the tests. He just wants to be loved. He also might want a job that provides medical for himself and his family, just in case Glider catches another bad case of the comas.

I am so sick of everybody bringing up that goddamned story about the frog and the scorpion! We get it! Scorpions can't change their spots! And frogs are gullible assholes!

Here are some other things I'm sick of hearing about: the Native American that feeds wolves, and the person trying to kill people by eating poison. I'm sure there are a bunch more that regularly make the rounds on Facebook but they aren't quite on my mind right now. But if I've seen it posted by some dopey friend on Facebook, I sure as hell don't want to see a professional writer using it in their work!

Oh fuck. Bruce actually decides to retell the story. And then he even changes the ending to have some nonsensical stupid bullshit about a bat saving the frog's life. Jesus, Bruce. Talk about contrived! At least the original story makes sense since frogs always act as ferries to other wild creatures. But when do Bats ever save frogs? Hardly ever, that's when!

What Bruce is trying to tell Luthor is to fuck off. So Luthor leaves and the first thing Alfred asks is "What are you going to do about Luthor?" when he should be asking, "What the fuck was that idiocy, sir? Perhaps you should leave the trite moral stories to Facebook."

That's the real reason Batman keeps Alfred on! So that when the time comes that some antagonist has to die, Alfred will do it for him and he can pretend his hands are still clean.

Just imagine if Lex Luthor were found shot to death in Bruce Wayne's mansion! Now that's a story I want to read! DC needs their version of "What If..." for The New 52. And each issue should just continue a story that's recently been told in The New 52 but taking a very different turn at some point. So the "What If..." for this story would point back to this story with a one page synopsis of what led up to this point. Then maybe it would reprint a few pages of this comic book before having Alfred shoot Lex in the head and resulting chaos that would ensue from there.

After Lex leaves, the Justice League puts out the call to meet in Portland, Oregon because there's an asshole blogger there making fun of their stories. Luckily for me, there's also a woman that just transformed into Power Ring which they'll probably have to deal with first. Although they still might send J.T. Krul's Green Arrow to arrest me for being a dick on the internet.

But before the Justice League can get there, somebody else arrives. A group that brings tears to my eyes to finally see.

I love you, Cliffy!

I'm glad to see Niles Caulder looking much older than his previous appearances in The Ravagers. Hopefully the Niles Caulder from The Ravagers was a clone created by Niles that somehow got loose from him. It then went on to try to clone other people like Gen 13 so that it wouldn't be an alone clone. I am also excited by this line-up of The Doom Patrol. Cliff Steel. Negative Person or Rebis. Elasti-girl who is hopefully Rita Farr. And Elemental Girl who should fit right in with these guys. I can only assume that this is the Doom Patrol's first baby step to getting their own series.

Justice League #31 Rating: +2 Ranking. Firstly, I enjoyed the confrontation between Batman and Lex, a few pages dedicated to Captain Cold, and Shazam acting like the ten year old kid he is, Young Justice style. But even if I'd hated everything else, turning that last page to see the Doom Patrol with Cliff Steele would have been all I needed to make my night. I have a constantly changing roster of characters I love, mostly due to who's writing them or the point in my life when I was introduced to them. But I think I've always identified most strongly with Cliff Steele. Can Justice League #32 come out next week?

Justice League #30

It looks like Lex Luthor is pooping.

I bet Lex got the job as leader of the Justice League by threatening to expose Batman's secret identity. But why the hell is Captain Cold on the team? Don't get me wrong! I'm all for Captain Cold joining the Justice League! But won't his friends he's leaving behind be upset? What happens if the Justice League is dispatched to Central City to stop a rash of low level street crime? Will he hold back instead of busting The Trickster in the face? Will he pull out all the stops to detain his sister? Did I actually use the verb "pooping" earlier?

The one part of this comic book I'm not looking forward to is where Wonder Woman gets Batman alone in the supply closet to explain to him that she loves Superman and it will never work between them. And Batman will glance about uncomfortably trying to deny his love for her. So Wonder Woman will press her finger to his lips and whisper, "Shh. Shh. We were connected by my lasso, Bruce. I know the truth." Then Batman will get embarrassed and yell, "You don't know anything! I'm the Jeezly Crow Batman!" Then he'll wait uncomfortably for a few seconds until Diana shifts her glance just enough so he can do that thing where he disappears.

This issue is called "Injustice League" because that's fresh and exciting. Ugh. Why do I have to ruin everything I do by being cynical and sarcastic?! When did I lose my childlike sense of wonder and my ability to lose myself in the lives of costumed heroes? Now I just open a comic book and think, "Who are these chumps?" and then "What a boring title" and then "Why is the entire office at the daily planet standing around reading their own fucking newspaper?!"

I have a feeling this is how DC Comics edits their comic books. "Oh shit! Did you see this error on page three? That'll have to be fixed in the trade." It's also possible that DC Editorial simply read Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea to learn about all of the errors.

Meanwhile, Clark Kent is walking down a busy street on his cellphone telling Bruce Wayne about how he's "trained his super-hearing." You really don't give a fuck if anybody learns your true identity, hunh Clark? Seriously though, why should he care? His parents are dead and he doesn't work at the Daily Planet anymore. He's dating Wonder Woman who can take care of herself. Who are the bad guys going to go after to get to Superman? Cat Grant? Please!

After Clark gets sick of hearing people lavish Lex with praise and offers of blow jobs, my childhood sense of wonder and excitement comes back in a single panel!

The Doom Patrol!

What are they doing in Argus? Are they breaking in? Are they working for them? How long until most of the team is dead and Cliff Steele becomes suicidal?! I'm so happy!

But since it's only one panel featuring Negative Man, Robotman, Rita Farr (possibly?), and what looks like Elemental Girl (not to mention The Chief because fuck that asshole), my happiness is gone as soon as I turn the page and find Wonder Woman exclaiming that Lex Luthor deserves a sword in the throat. What the fuck? How come Geoff Johns writes Wonder Woman as some kind of bloodthirsty maniac? It's like his notes for her and how to write her character just say "BERZERKER". Luckily The Flash is there to look her straight in her crotch and say, "No! Bad Amazon!"

I figured that last statement needed actual proof or else everybody would just assume it's me being hyperbolic again.

The Justice League are searching everywhere for Luthor because I guess they want to thank him in person for saving the world and doing amateur brain surgery on Superman. If it's not to thank him (and I get the feeling it's not after all that subtle subtext during the Wonder Woman pages of the story! Don't be too hard on yourself if you missed it. I am a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader of Flowers, after all. I'm specially trained to catch nuances like that), I guess it's to put him in jail for simply outshining them. These heroes and their egos just can't take it if some non-card carrying member of the super hero society saves the world. Anyway, since they can't find Luthor, Luthor finds them.

Is that the way to greet a man who not only just saved your life but the lives of everybody on Earth? A man who just used his own money to create a new Watchtower for the Justice League? A man who brought alcohol?! For shame!

Lex kind of feels like his recent exploits have given him the green light to join the Justice League. Also the fact that he brought the headquarters. Also maybe he might, if they still refuse, point out that he knows Batman's secret life with Dick Grayson. And to sweeten the deal, he's brought along Shazam as a potential new recruit as well. How can they refuse that?!

Doesn't Batman believe in the nonsensical saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer"? I think Batman believes this saying: "Keep your friends in the dark and your enemies in Arkham Asylum." It's very similar.

Whoa there, Billy! I don't think you know the meaning of the word "train"!

Lex isn't ready to take no for an answer. He believes the Justice League needs Lex Luthor on the team to bolster their flagging reputation. Aquaman responds, "We don't worry about approval scores." Of course you don't worry about them, Aquaman! If you did, you'd probably swim straight down a Great White's throat and end it all. Lex decides that the only way Superman is going to trust him is if he wears the Lasso of Truth around his neck while answering questions. The Flash suggests the wrists since there are probably cameras in the room and Lex would immediately go to the media and point out how he was almost lynched by the Justice League. Good thinking, The Flash! You should probably also check the bathrooms for webcams just in case.

I'm glad Billy Batson finds this shit funny. The League can really use somebody with an immature sense of humor on the team. You can't always count on Barry to catch every opportunity to make a fart joke.

The Justice League decide they can't trust Lex and kick him out of his own satellite. Judging by the cover and pages two and three, they're going to change their mind. They're also going to hire Captain Cold! And maybe Superman and The Flash will quit.

Meanwhile Power Ring's ring has located a suitable candidate to destroy the Earth in Portland, Oregon. And it wasn't me? Fuck you, Power Ring's ring! I would be an awesome world-destroyerer!

And since none of Lex Luthor's other reasons for joining the Justice League convinced them, he has to utilize he final argument. He heads to Gotham and presents himself to Alfred Pennyworth to see Batman. Alfred is all, "I don't know what you mean, sir." And Lex is all, "Cut the bullshit, butler! I saw the way Batman hugged Dick Grayson! Exactly the same way my father never hugged me! So I know Dick Grayson was Batman's son! Which means Batman must be Bruce Wayne! And that Robin that died must have been Jason Todd! And Red Robin must be that kid Tim Drake! Holy shit! I bet I can unravel all the secret identities in the super hero community now!"

Justice League #30 Rating: +2 Ranking. What can I say? One panel starring the Doom Patrol makes up for a lot! I can excuse the way Geoff Johns portrayed Wonder Woman simply because he keeps fucking doing it in this series and it doesn't surprise me anymore. And besides, the rest of the issue was pretty solid. I like where this is going. Now if Wonder Woman can just manage to keep a low profile whenever Johns writes something, everything should be okay.

Rogues Rebellion #5

The Royal Flush Gang is playing with a full deck these days, hunh? I wonder if any of them are brave enough to be The Joker?

The Rogues have been having a rough couple of days. Ever since The Crime Syndicate took over New Earth and The Rogues decided they didn't want to work for The Super Secret Society of Secret Super Villains, they've been chased and harassed and attempted murdered. But I'm glad this is happening to them because I've always loved Captain Cold but never really gave any fucks about the rest of the crew. This has given me time to appreciate them without them being overshadowed by their great leader. And it's been a pretty fun little mini-series. I've also become a huge fan of Scott Hepburn who I might have said when his stuff first appeared in a comic book I can't remember (it might have been a Green Lantern issue! I think it had Hal and Carol arguing about Hal and Carol), "This guy's art massages my aesthetic prostate." Or words to that effect.

Oh, I was wrong. It was artist Hendry Prasetyo in New Guardians #18! I guess I just began liking Hepburn's work here in this mini-series!

This issue begins with The Rogues already captured by The Royal Flush Gang. I really thought Mirror Master was going to use his gun to send them all into the Mirror World through their shiny cards! Maybe he just can't think that fast. Or shoot 52 different people at once. Oh hey! The Royal Flush Gang should all get their own New 52 title! Maybe that can be a future special September event.

They don't spend very many pages as prisoners before Weather Wizard lightning bolts their captors. But not all of The Rogues are happy with the escape plan.

What kind of weather-related pun can you use when bashing a guy in the face with a rock? "I just rocked you like a hurricane"?

Weather Wizard decides he'd rather live than be a Rogue, so he ditches Mirror Master and The Trickster. Mirror Master can't just walk away because he needs to rescue Cold's sister Lisa from the clutches of the Royal Flush Gang. I mean, he doesn't have to but since he thinks he loves her, he feels like he should at least make the effort. For some reason, The Trickster sticks with him. Their plan is to just walk right up to the Royal Flush Gang in Central City and demand they release Glider.

Or at least send Mirror Constructs to do the negotiating for them since negotiations with maniacs is dangerous business. But Ace of Spades calls their bluff amid many other card related turns of phrase (even with The Flash gone, these guys can't escape the puns!) after which Mirror Master finally deploys his ace up his sleeve: Mirror World!

Better to find yourself in Mirror World than the Morgue, I guess.

While Mirror Master runs down Royal Flush Gang members in the same way I run down whatever I can in any video game that allows me to drive a car (including the Driver's Education Tutorial), The Trickster is rescuing Glider and making sure she's in safe hands.

Safe, gay hands.

This is the first time Pied Piper's made an appearance in a long, long time. Hopefully he'll remain active and in costume after this. He might even need a full issue of The Flash to himself and his struggles to remain out of sight as the Pied Piper while living with Singh. I also wouldn't mind an issue full of rats! Does the Pied Piper control rats or does he just lure little children into dark alleys? That was a Pied Piper stole kids joke and not a gay men are pedophiles joke although now that I think about the choice to make Pied Piper gay (way back in DC continuity), I wonder if this was a consideration in poor taste?

My favorite part of this picture is The Flash being assaulted by musical notes. What's wrong with you, Silver Age Flash? You can't outrun sound?!

Mark Waid was probably working on The Flash and thinking, "What would Alan Moore do? Probably have Wally rape someone. Ick. Maybe I shouldn't try to think about what Alan Moore would do! What about something a bit less controversial but that includes a hidden agenda highlighting my belief that homosexuals are pedophiles? Oh! The Pied Piper of Hamelin stole children! I'll make the Pied Piper gay!"

Also, Mark Waid probably doesn't actually believe that homosexuals are pedophiles. I mean, he might! How do I know? It's not like I've contacted him for an interview! Instead I'm just typing up total fabrications about him! Where's the harm in that?

As The Rogues and their allies (Pied Piper and the Central City Police Force (at least the ones still alive after Grodd and his Gorilla Assault)) battle The Royal Flush Gang, Johnny Quick and Atomica arrive in Central City. That's probably why this issue is called "Fastest Psychopath Alive." Poor Johnny is going to find out that the citizens of New Earth's Central City know a thing or two about battling Speedsters. He's probably used to a Central City full of dead citizens that used to know a thing or two about battling Speedsters.

I'm liking The Trickster more and more every time he decides to call a super hero something other than what they want to be called! I like The Jacked-Up League. I really liked Meth-Head Green Lantern as well.

Atomica and Johnny Quick do a little ass kicking and a paltry amount of murder before Grid relays Ultraman's orders to return to Happy Harbor. But Johnny and Atomica decide to ignore the orders until they've killed Mirror Master and The Trickster. Mostly because The Rogues were cops on Earth 3 and they just feel like killing them again.

I can't remember if Johnny was with the Crime Syndicate at the end of Forever Evil #5 where they witnessed whatever was chasing them (The Anti-Monitor?) breaking through the veil and entering New Earth. I hope he wasn't because I want to see him get killed by The Rogues. Please let him get killed by The Rogues!

That's a pretty good start!

Marco is busy doing a pretty good job of standing his ground against Johnny Quick right up until he's shot in the head by Ace of Spades. Johnny isn't very happy about somebody stealing his kill, so Ace of Spades becomes Red Mist unless Mark Millar would sue me for using that name and then Ace of Spades just gets exploded like a blood sausage. Unless Interplay will sue me for using that description from Wasteland. And then maybe I should just say he's killed by Johnny.

Surprisingly if you don't read comic books regularly, Weather Wizard was not killed but merely grazed by the shot. Johnny and Atomica are forced to teleport away by Grid because Grid doesn't want to have to answer to that psychopath Ultraman for not following orders. But Grid promises to teleport in other means to deal with The Rogues. Which he says he does before turning to the last page to find out what those "other means" are. I'd suspect it's some of the Secret Society of Super Secret Villains but Deathstork Deathstroke has switched sides and Copperhead was shot in the face. So who is it going to be? Giganta and Blockbuster? Boring! Hopefully it's somebody new!

It actually ends up being a two page spread worth of villains! Grodd. The Bureau of 2000 Assassin's Committee featuring Hyena, Black Bison, Plastique, Typhoon, and Multiplex. A guy that might be Eclipso since he's got the ears and the haircut but he doesn't have any of the panache. The Green Arrow wannabe from earlier in the series. Parasite. And the Fearsome Five but with six members: Psimon, Gizmo, Jinx, Mammoth, some white girl in a bikini top and jeans, and possibly Brimstone. I think that covers everybody. That's an awful lot of firepower to send to defeat three low level street thieves!

Rogues Rebellion #5 Rating: +3 Ranking. I'm disappointed that the Rogues weren't given the go ahead by DC Editorial to kill Johnny Quick. It would have been really nice to see one of the Crime Syndicate die in one of the offshoot Forever Evil stories instead of leaving them all to Geoff Johns to take care of in Forever Evil. But aside from that, this issue was tray magnifique where tray is actually spelled differently because it's from another language and people who speak that language would get upset by the use of très with magnifique because it's redundant or something. But I bet they'd still say shit like "very unique" and "with au jus" or any other number of stupid sayings that they ignore that they say when they correct other people on the incorrect things they say. I would never do that! Except in the name of comedy, of course!

Forever Evil #5

Fuck you, Finch. Your Forever Evil covers are either bland or badly drawn. Sometimes both!

Sinestro appeared at the end of last issue to do something or other. I think he was hungry for some Deep Dish Pizza, Metropolis Style as opposed to Chicago Style because fuck Chicago! They hate masks, do they? Well why would a mask go drop twenty tourism bucks in your town if you don't want him there? What, is masked money no good? Anyway, Sinestro didn't find his pizza. He found Power Ring battling Temp Sinestro Corps Member, Batman! Also in the room? All those fuckers on the cover of this issue. And now, on with the story!

As this story begins, Sinestro has chased Power Ring into the sewers of Metropolis. I don't know how they got there. They dropped down the hole in the floor created by Luthor and Pals? I'm not sure why Sinestro is after him. It's hard to figure out Sinestro's motivations. Is he doing something selfless or selfish this time? Is he fighting for justice or simply for order at any price? Is he just trying to make Hal Jordan look bad or make Hal Jordan look bad? I think I know why Power Ring is fleeing from Sinestro though. Because Power Ring is a coward and his ring is quickly running out of charge.

The rest of the Secret Society of Super-Villains remain to battle Luthor and Pals with Special Guest Members Batman and Catwoman. This is probably the part where I'd scan a picture of the fight but, like usual, David Finch has graced us with a two page splash that doesn't fit in my rectum. I mean scanner!

I just realized I had a little more fuck you in me for David Finch! Why the fuck isn't Captain Cold on the cover, you dick?! He's the best member (after Bizarro!) of Luthor and Pals!

Why the fuck is Deathstroke making an Alice in Wonderland reference? He seems more of a quote Rocky III kind of guy.

Naturally, Catwoman takes on Deathstroke. I can't think of a better match-up! I mean, maybe Batman would be a better match against Deathstroke but he's busy bickering with Lex Luthor, so he doesn't have time to throw Bat-punches. The next match-up is Giganta versus Catwoman. Wait. That can't be right. Did Catwoman already defeat Deathstroke?!

If I were the fictional character of Catwoman, I would get super pissed every time somebody made me say "What's the matter? The cat got your tongue?"

Let's see...I think the next match-up will be Blockbuster versus Catwoman! No, I'm wrong! It's actually Shadow Thief versus Captain Cold. And the winner of that battle is Black Manta!

Batman battles Copperhead while Deathstroke takes on Lex Luthor. Deathstroke should have quit the Secret Society of Super-Villains months ago. He keeps getting his ass beat and he's not making any money because he's yet to make a single head roll. I don't know why the fuck he'd have joined up with this fucking crew when he's wealthy beyond belief and he doesn't work well on a team. The last team he had back in Deathstork Deathstroke #ReallyEarlyIssue, he killed them all! This is one of those big universe wide crossovers where they just needed a bad-ass killer so they decided to forget about Slade's personal motivations and throw him in the mix anyway. If they just have him mention how he's getting paid, it's enough of a reason to have him in the group! But I'm not buying it! I won't be fooled by this bullshit! And Deathstroke shouldn't either! His reputation is going to take a huge hit after the Crime Syndicate is defeated and everybody notices that Deathstroke got his ass handed to him no fewer than twelve times.

Fuck this. Fuck you! Fuck Johns! Fuck Finch! Fuck Liefeld! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Slade is supposed to be super smart! He would have thought through all of the ramifications of siding with the Crime Syndicate. And, you know, he never would have done it anyway! What the fuck did I just get through saying?

So it takes Luthor's big brain to convince Slade to turn on the Crime Syndicate? Whatever. Toss my fucking salad, Johns.

Meanwhile in the sewers, Sinestro cuts off Power Ring's arm. The big veiny arm. The one with the ring on it. And the ring decides to cut its losses and go find a new host while Harold goes up in yellow flames. At least he was finally happy and free of that despotic ring. But who will the ring use as its host now? Who is the most cowardly person in The New 52?! My gut tells me it'll be a Batman villain. Maybe Scarface's master, Arnold Wesker (the non-telekinetic Ventriloquist who has only been seen in Finch's early issues of The Dark Knight)?

Back to the main bout, Copperhead gets his head blown off by Deathstroke and the last antagonist standing, Blockbuster, is knocked out by Bizarro. Now it's probably time for Batman to chastise everybody and act self-righteous because he wouldn't have resorted to guns or killing like these other barbarians always do. Except it isn't Batman that does the chastising. It's Sinestro!

Smart move, Luthor! Give up the leadership position just in case things go wrong!

Batman tries to demand to be leader but I don't think these guys see Batman in the same way that Batman sees Batman. Why would they need a powerless goody-two-shoes bitch when they've got a genius and a magic superman and an assassin and a ring wielder and another Superman but this one like a child? Batman seems a bit superfluous in this group. I mean, in their eyes! We all understand why they need Batman to lead! Because he's the Goddamned Batman and nobody is better at everything than he is!

Back at the Batcave, the top three members of the Crime Syndicate are having a little chat about Kryptonite and Waynes. Their discussion is interrupted by Grid who mentions something has appeared over Maine in response to Power Ring's ring's call for a new host. Maybe Brainiac? Or somebody from Apokolips? Whatever it is, it has Ultraman and the rest a bit worried. I hope it's not Mongul and his shitty Warworld.

It's not. It's just a big red tear that needed another double splash page to express its extra large dimensions. So Power Ring's ring is still off looking for a host and will probably find one on Earth. Maybe it'll even find one in one of the spin-off mini-series. Ultraman points out that the big red tear in the sky is because the creature that destroyed their world has now found New Earth. I thought that was probably Darkseid but maybe not. Or maybe so. One of those.

Forever Evil #5 Rating: -4 Ranking for the portrayal of Deathstroke. I didn't like the way he was being used up until this point but to have him switch sides because of a brief argument by Lex that Slade should have already thought of himself was the camel that broke its own back.

Justice League #26

I hope we get Power Ring's origin story this issue! I want to see the Moth Monk Volthoom!

I've just been singing, to the tune of "Brand New Key," "I've got a great big bag of candy, you've got a bag of poo."

It looks like this issue takes place immediately after Forever Evil #4 when Sinestro decided to crash the party. You can't see Batman and Catwoman here but they're around someplace. Unless Batman got what he needed and has already Mother Boxed the fuck out of here.

Instead of getting Power Ring's origin, we get a brief synopsis of Grid's origin. It's just as boring as you'd expect an origin about a robot would be. He was like a spark or something and then he wanted to be a real boy and then he learned he wasn't and never could be and now he's angry. The end!

It turns out Grid has been downloading files about the Crime Syndicate via the mobile servers in Owlman's outfit. He's already learned about Ultraman and Owlman's origins (the last two issues!) and now he hopes to learn more about another being! Oh boy! I hope it's Power Ring! Please let it be Power Ring. He's got to be on the cover for some reason, right? And he's the most connected to feelings!

At first I thought the "sktch sktch sktch" sound effects were Jordan masturbating.

Yay! Power Ring! And it looks like he's being tapped to bomb the shit out of Nanda Parbat for Boston Brand. Which means he'll probably crash there and be taken in by the Moth Monk Volthoom who will trick him into wearing the cursed ring in retaliation for bombing Volthoom's country. Or maybe some other things might happen differently. Or something.

Yep, yep. It's the "or something." Harold Jordan has been spying on Ferris and selling their secrets. He's about to get his ass kicked by Carol's dad when the Ring chooses him because he's the easiest being on the planet to control and the biggest sucker to boot.

Um, no. I think I'll pass. Thanks for the opportunity though, melty alien dude!

Jordan can't resist the ring for long and allows it to graft itself to his finger. Then it insists that he charge it which consists of opening a pocket dimension with a Lovecraftian beast that fucks Jordan's arm until the ring is fully charged. The creature is probably what moths actually look like but we can only see a limited amount of them due to our being stuck in the third dimension. That's probably why moths look, to us, as if they're fluttering around chaotically. We can only see a small aspect of them. If we could see in the number of dimensions that moths exist within, their movement would make sense and we would become gibbering sacks of tears and moans, covered in our newly released fecal matter. Fucking moths.

Grid decides that story didn't give him a chubby, so he moves on to learn the origin of Johnny Quick and Atomica.

Even on Earth 3, all interactions with Speedsters result in speed-related puns! Except they're not called "puns" on Earth 3. They're called "witticisms."

Atomica saves Johnny from these rogue cops by smashing a truck into the police van. I bet Johnny will kill and then urinate on them. And while he's urinating on them, he'll be struck by lightning resulting in Speed Force Powers! Or maybe some other things might happen differently. Or something.

Once again, it's the "or something." The struck by lightning part is still the same but no urination. And it happens atop STAR Labs so they both get different powers due to being affected by different STAR Labs experiments. But they still love each other and Grid somehow begins to believe that love is important and that maybe he can learn it. No, no. Grid, it's not important at all. It's really just a time sink! You won't be able to work on any of your World Destroying Projects once you get in a relationship. And you can't be completely honest anymore! You have to hide the horrible, awful, disgusting person you really are or else the person you love will throw up and leave you!

The next to last Crime Syndicate member Grid needs to learn about is Professor Martin Stein, Deathstorm.

So Stein was working for The Hostage, was he? I still think it's Lex Luthor since he's trying to save the world.

Stein eventually merges himself with a corpse because that somehow seemed like a good idea. So that's where the "death" part of his name comes from. But why the "storm" part? Because he rains down death upon the living?

Superwoman's files were deleted so we don't get to learn how Lois Lane became Superwoman. My guess (and you've seen how good my guesses have been so far!) is that she gained her powers by a steady diet of Kryptonian Semen. That's probably right on. No need to find those lost files, Grid!

Meanwhile, somebody says "Soon." to The Hostage and he smiles through his sack. And over in STAR Labs, Silas Stone has somehow performed a second miracle in his short life! Although it's the same miracle where he saved his son from certain death. But I think the second miracle took better than the first one because his son seems far more optimistic this time.

I wonder if Cyborg will request a horse penis since his father has to totally rebuild him anyway.

Justice League #26 Rating: +3 Ranking. That's one ranking for every origin. Johnny Quick and Atomica's origin counts as one! And I didn't count Grid's because he's a robot and I'm against all forms of Artificial Intelligence. If God had wanted robots to think, he would have given them that ability when he created the world. Also, he would have created robots.