Catwoman #32

Who is the Mysterious Fireface?! To find out, you'll need to slog through twenty pages of complete nonsense!

Last issue, I decided it was taking too long to comment on Ann Nocenti's story like an actual critic critiquing actual writing. And since Ann Nocenti's writing isn't technically writing, I decided to just start listing all of the weird and incomprehensible things going on in The Race of Thieves! I may also interrupt the list for a nice bit of Scenes From Ann Nocenti. Ready? On your go! MARK!

Another List of Ann Nocenti’s Bullshit
By Grunion Guy

1. Funny enough, I accidentally guessed how Nocenti would begin the issue. Sure, it's a "race" so why wouldn't it start with an on your mark type of gunshot deal. But I'd forgotten this part of the competition was going to be a literal race.

2. To prove who is the best thief in the world, the thieves compete in a Wacky Race. None of them question this.

3. Vegas is running odds on the winner of the Race of Thieves. I suppose this isn't that odd since Vegas bookmakers will run bets on anything. But this is some kind of clandestine, invitation-only, outside of the law competition! Did Roulette hold a press conference at the Rio before sending out the puzzle box invites?

4. I guess Roulette is participating in this race? She's on a bullet train to the end of the line while the other racers try to drive through sandy terrain to beat her.

5. Mirror Master owns a rocket ship?

6. Rat-tail (woo woo!) has suddenly entered the competition and even though the race is straight along some tracks, he rides his motorcycle across the front of a tank and some kid named Big Wheel's truck. He's worse at driving than he is at doing his hair.

7. Rat-tail winds up in Catwoman's car even though the positions of all the vehicles make no sense for him to be able to hop to her car when his motorcycle is run over.

8. Catwoman decides to tell Rat-tail about her new job as an undercover coroner with the Gotham Police.

9. Coroner Bill don't believe in none of your highfalutin, modern day CSI nonsense!

10. Coroner Bill actually says "Jeesums." Just in case you weren't sure he was an ornery son of a gun what ain't got no time for all these computer doohickeys!

11. Catwoman and Mirror Master have no trouble conversing while racing. Perhaps Sam Scudder has gotten good at hearing things he shouldn't be able to hear so he can respond to The Flash's super speed one-liners.

12. Oh! That's what I've been doing wrong all these years of gambling! The smart money is to bet on the long shot! Shucks!

13. I think "stay on your wheels" is better advice than "don't use fuel." It's a fifty mile course! Who's going to be dumb enough to run out of fuel?!

14. I suppose he did have to drive all the way to this desert in South Asia on one tank.

15. Some smart-assed Asian guy points out the idiot that didn't refuel should have been using a camel because "their tanks never run dry." Piss off, old man!

16. An Interpol helicopter begins firing missiles at the contestants and Catwoman correctly guesses that the hearse in the race is asking for it just before it blows up. Why was the hearse asking for it? Where does she get such lovely intuition?

17. While missiles are flying all around them, Rat-tail (woo woo!) asks Catwoman to continue her story about Coroner Bill and his rival.

18. Catwoman notices details the other coroners missed. Like how the corpse of Rita's ancestor is missing a finger. She has such attention to detail!

19. If the family fortune still exists? I suppose he's talking about money other than all the priceless artifacts they found buried beneath the family home and frozen in blocks of ice. Also, I think every line of Coroner Bill's is supposed to be followed by a laugh track.

20. The missing ring finger was taken by Coroner Bill so he could solve the case and prove that gruffness and ill-temper are better tools for solving murders than gadgets and gizmos!

Scenes From Ann Nocenti's Catwoman: Scene Three

Catwoman needed to do some investigating. She was in a race but it was not a race against time because she had plenty of time to do some investigating on the side. She wanted to investigate Hunt Stone's house. "Gee," she thought ballooned, "Hunt Stone's billions are what we are racing for. Not because he wants to give them away but because he must because his child has been kidnapped. I will break into his mansion and do my investigating to prove that he doesn't have a child. I mean, to find his missing child. But I might find his child is not missing because he does not have one! The mystery will thicken!"

Catwoman cut a tiny hole in a window of Hunt Stone's Mansion. It was very small but since it was big enough to get her head through, it was big enough to get the rest of her cat body through as well. The first thing she investigated were the chairs. There was only one in each room! "A-ha!" she extrapolated. "Where did Hunt Stone sit if there were only one chair for his child? I must investigate further!" Next she looked in his photo album that he kept on a table in the hallway. It did not have any photos in it! "This mystery is so thick!" she exclaimed.

Next, Catwoman investigated the bed. "Hmm," she thought. "That is quite a big bed. But do not get me wrong when I say it is big because it is only big enough for one man without any room left for a child. I think I am beginning to solve this mystery!" But first Catwoman remembered something her coroner friend said. He said, "Dust is made of skin flakes." That meant she would collect a bag of skin flakes to perform DNA on them! And the DNA would say, "These flakes have 0% chance of being from a child!" That would really help to solve her mystery! But she thought she still wanted a smoking gun because those always blow cases wide open. So she investigated the creepy baby death mask. "Who could have made this?" she thought! But she knew she could find out the answers because of fingerprints! Her investigations were a success! Now she would just have to go to the lab and process her fingerprints and her DNAs. Good job, Catwoman! That was me, the narrator, congratulating her on her job well done. Or done well enough.

End Scene.

21. There is no possible way that this is a person in a disguise.

22. Catwoman causes the Interpol helicopter to crash. But she does it in the safest way possible so that everybody in it can survive.

23. The Interpol helicopter was actually Vice and Swindle. They argue about how they were getting paid by Roulette to kill the other racers. Catwoman hears them from one hundred feet away while racing at a hundred miles per hour.

24. The finish of the race makes no sense. I'm not surprised because the beginning of the race made no sense. Nothing made any sense. I suppose you don't buy an Ann Nocenti book hoping for a coherent story.

25. Here's how the race finished. Roulette's train was about to cross the finish line so Catwoman grapples it and climbs on top to squat on her knees and scream, "Yes!" Then Mirror Master decides to stop before crossing the finish line to throw up a mirror to stop the train because the engineer would think another train just like his suddenly appeared on the track. That doesn't work and the train crashes into the mirror anyway. Catwoman dismounts (having done her job. I think?) and asks Mirror Master if he got the girl. He says "Yes" instead of "What girl?" I suppose they're talking about Roulette. Alvarez and Keyes were also in the race because they decided investigating a race in South Asia was important to justice in Gotham. And finally the bearded guy in the dune buggy won because he was the only one left and he paid off 100 to 1. And since betting on the long shot is the smart money, he's who Catwoman bet on!

26. Rat-tail (woo woo!), Catwoman, and Mirror Master board Roulette's train to steal the prize money because of course it would be on the train. But it's not. And neither are Roulette or the engineer! So I guess it wasn't Roulette that Catwoman was talking about to Mirror Master. So who the hell was she talking about?!

Catwoman #32 Rating: No change. It's now the worst comic book of The New 52 because Johns and Romita are turning Superman around and making it interesting! And enjoyable! But this book? Holy fuck, my brain hurts.

The Flash #31

The Flash is trying to tear the Brett Booth off of himself. "I want to look normal!"

I never really had a problem with Brett Booth's art. It was a bit cartoony but I generally like cartoony. And then he had to go and open his big dumb mouth and start telling critics how to criticize! Ain't nobody gonna tell motherfuckin' Tess how to criticize, bitch! You're lucky Van Jensen is practically my brother so I'm going to go easy on you. But I'm watchin' you, Booth.

While I'm moaning on and on, let me give a hearty Fuck You Friday to Tumblr. Can we get the Recommended Posts off of my feed please? I work hard to avoid comic book spoilers of every variety. And now I can't avoid them as you recommend fucking blogs with covers from comic book issues that won't be out for three months! If I want to know how a story ends, I read the fucking story. If I want to know what will be happening after the current story, I'll finish the current story and then pick up the next issue with the new story in it. If I want to know what the fuck is going on in Catwoman, I'll find an interview with Ann Nocenti where she explains what she's failing to do in her writing.

That last one had nothing to do with Tumblr spoiling shit for me but I thought it fit in well there. How come Ann Nocenti sounds like she knows what she's doing and knows what kind of stories she wants to tell when she's talking about her upcoming Catwoman arcs. But the minute she scripts it, it becomes complete nonsense. Does she send her script through Babel Fish from English to Spanish to Japanese to German before translating it back into English?!

Speaking of Van Jensen being my friend, I catch his secret message on the first page. Because we're besties!

Van Jensen and I have one friend in common on Facebook. This is a reference to that friend's old website.

The guy who killed this guy is called Black Mold. Yet another super villain naming himself incorrectly! You don't want to give heroes a clue as to how to stop you! If you kill people with fungal spores, you want to name yourself Mystery Date! Or Designated Driver! Or Phallic Retribution! But not Black Mold! That's a sure way for Batman (or The Flash, I guess) to come up with a protective suppository to make him immune to your one weapon before the big confrontation! You want at least one issue where you win the fight because Batman didn't know you were going to choke him with mushroom sperm. Make Batman test his own blood to figure that shit out. And while he's playing World of Warcraft waiting for the Batcomputer to do all of the work, you can be out robbing more banks! Or just killing random people like it seems like you're doing at the beginning of this comic. But where's the profit in that?!

Tell her to fuck off, Barry! You don't owe Iris anything! Especially spending time with her vandal nephew!

Patty is feeling neglected and it's no wonder. Barry would rather spend time with Iris's idiot nephew than with her. Why is Barry trying to impress Iris? I can't believe he's that decent of a person. Although he might have some kind of God Complex and believes he's the only fucker in Central City that can steer Wally in the right direction. Or he has a huge crush on Wally. Or Iris. Or both!

Ignoring the babysitting plot, Barry has discovered that a mess of super villain weapons and technology were stolen from the Central City Evidence Lab during the Crime Syndicate's invasion. Members of an old gang are being killed by different pieces of technology, so Barry believes one person is responsible for all the murders. When Barry tells this to Singh, Singh gets annoyed! What the fuck?! Stop being a statistician and start being a practitioner of justice, you jerk! Who cares how many cases are closed as long as the ones that are closed are closed correctly! And who cares how many open cases there are? Don't make me dislike you passionately, Detective Singh. Ask the fictional characters of Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell how it feels to have earned my wrath.

Barry decides to investige the crime scenes as The Flash when he realizes, yet again, that his watch seems to be getting slower and slower. Seriously though. If we bring real world physics into this with how time slows down the closer one gets to the speed of light then we're going to have a Flash that does exactly the opposite of what he's supposed to do. So he can run around the world in no time flat relative to himself. But how is that any good if the rest of the world has now zipped ahead even more time than it seemed to have taken Barry? He's just been neutered by the Theory of Relativity!

Just like a cop! Thinking about shooting before he knows what he's shooting at!

I once had a cop yell freeze at me while I ran across a dark field with a Lazer Tag gun in my hand. He pointed his flashlight at me but I don't know if he had his gun out. If I were in a major urban center with even a hint of regularly occurring violent crimes, I might have been shot for being young and in the dark and holding something. It's a good thing I lived in a city where the worst crime was probably car radio theft. The cop was also lucky I didn't fucking Lazer Tag his ass! Ba-de-de-deep!

Anyway, Barry's late to meeting Wally West in a dark park.

Right here at the "eventually," I'd turn around and leave. Fuck you! I'm doing you a favor watching your kid! You're lucky I arrived at all!

Wally walks off because who wants to hang out with a cop? Hell, Barry's not even a cop! He's a want to be cop lab rat! And he's barely even that right now because he's on some kind of probation or something for being a huge fuck up. But Barry still offers to help out with Wally because he really, really, really wants to bang Iris.

Meanwhile in the future, Future Flash continues to run backwards saving lives where he couldn't save them before. He's also killing off all of his old enemies in the process. He killed Grodd in the annual and poor Sam Scudder eats it this time as he's cut to ribbons by his own mirrors. And then Future Flash continues his trip backwards in time.

The Flash #31 Rating: No change. Perhaps The Flash was supposed to actually confront Black Mold this issue. Or perhaps the cover really is The Flash trying to claw his way out of Brett Booth's style. It certainly isn't a very exciting cover nor did it have much to do with the story inside. So far, this Flash story has not been as exciting as Manapul and Buccellato's run! And since I'm grading on a huge curve because I liked that run so much, this story is mediocre at best! I also don't like Barry being such a pushover to Iris. Who taught him that the best way into a woman's pants is through her asshole nephew? That sounds illegal!

Catwoman #30

And now here they are! The most daredevil group of bungling burglars to ever twist their picks in the Race of Thieves competing for the title of the World's Wackiest Burglar. The thieves are approaching the starting line. First is the hostess of the race, Roulette. Oh, and here's the lovely Catwoman, the glamor gal of the Batman. And right on her tail is Volt. And there's the Central City Chuggabug with Glider and Mirror Master. Sneaking along last is the Blue Crew with those double detective do-gooders, Carlos Alvarez and his sidekick, Tammy Keyes. And even now, they're up to some legal trick. And...they're off...to a standing start. And why not? They've been handcuffed to a post by shifty Detective Alvarez who shifts into the wrong gear. And away they go on the way out Race of Thieves!

Don't you wish all employers could be as trusting, loyal, and faithful as DC Comics? Just imagine if your doctor didn't know what any of his surgical instruments were called and often mistook the liver for the pancreas while spouting old wives tales and folk medicine as the means to cure you of your ills? And no matter how many patients died at the hands of this incompetent buffoon, wouldn't it be sweet if the hospital continued to employ him, month after month, trusting that he'll eventually get it right? That's a world I'd like to live in! A world where everybody sucked at their job and nobody was ever fired! Somehow that world exists for Ann Nocenti alone! Except she's the doctor if you didn't follow my analogy very well because you're of limited, Disciple-type intelligence.

The most miraculous thing about Jesus Christ is that he didn't just give the fuck up in the face of incompetence! His only disciple smart enough to see what was happening and understand Jesus's message was Judas! Maybe if the others had understood, they would have helped Judas try to stop the maniac!

This issue begins with Selina Kyle burning the Catwoman suit because she never wants to be Catwoman again!

I think Ann Nocenti just finally realized that she has no idea how to write Catwo Man, so she's decided to start over!

Hey Selina Kyle! YOU ARE CATWOMAN! You're the idiot making the decisions that are hurting your life! You know who you should really get rid of? Ann Nocenti! She's the real problem!

And now, Scenes from Ann Nocenti's Catwoman!

Catwoman...no, I, the omniscient narrator, would have to stop thinking like that. Selina Kyle. That's how I meant to start. Selina Kyle stood in the dark alley amidst the urine puddles, and the bums passed out in the urine puddles, and the bums creating urine puddles after they've passed out, smelling the acrid stench of motorcycles popping wheelies. No motorcycles were currently popping wheelies and, let's face it, even if they were, they probably wouldn't be creating the smell of burning rubber that Selina Kyle was associating with popping wheelies on Catwoman's motorcycle. Maybe if she were doing doughnuts or exhibitioning her speed, she'd smell the smell she's smelling now that's being created by the burning of her Catwoman costume. Behind her, a man with a head injury and the kid from mask stood by their own fire, burning their hands off at the wrists. A mother and child rummaged through a nearby dumpster, the child throwing a tantrum because her mother wouldn't let her have the large cardboard box with the Amazon address label. "You know we can only afford the small first class post office mailing box, honey." Her mother was a model of restraint in her moth and rat and possibly homeless person eaten sweater.

The memory of her motorcycle caused Selina Kyle to, yet again, think of Catwoman as a separate entity from herself. The registration may have been in Selina Kyle's name but the bike had cute little cat ears over the headlight which meant it actually belonged to Catwoman. And if Selina Kyle was going to get her life back together, she was going to have to sell the bike for scrap metal. Sure, she could probably sell it on Gotham Craiglist but somebody might notice the cat ears and guess her secret identity. Safer to just demolish the bike completely.

"Hey gorgeous. You free?" Selina turned to see a plumber in a dirty car, made even dirtier from the blood of the bums he'd just run over as he trundled through the crowded alley, leer at her from underneath his Gotham Knights baseball cap.

"Me? Get lost," she said dispassionately. Selina was shocked. She was taken aback. She couldn't believe her cat ears. I mean, her human ears! Here she was in one of Gotham's dirtiest alleys dressed in only a low cut trench coat with six inch heels and some guy thought she was a streetwalker that would give it away for free? Can't he see this is a Coach Bag and a Burberry Coat with Manolo Blahnik pumps? "Creep," she thought, calculating how much she would have fucked him for as she ducked into the smelliest, dirtiest, foulest gym in all of Gotham. "Catwoman would train in a fancy place! And I'm Selina Kyle!"

End Scene One

Later Selina Kyle, trying to distance herself from the persona of Catwoman, adopts about twelve cats for her apartment. She also wonders what kind of writer would write a thief who lives in a penthouse apartment that's simply one big window. Oh, don't think of it that way, Selina! Think of it as wanting a 360 degree view of Gotham so you can catch sight of Batman while practicing playing the double sided diamond studded dildo.

No, Selina. Catwoman stole library books. Anyway, was that copy of Leaves of Grass based on the action packed adventure movie?

Selina Kyle is still working for the suicide hotline where she worked during Gothtopia. I wonder if Ann Nocenti realizes Gothtopia is over? Is this Selina's reaction to Batman telling her he doesn't want to stroke her fur any longer? She's just going to throw everything away and turn back toward her fake life that she dreamt up while under the Scarecrow's drugs? That sounds reasonable!

Excuse me, I got a fact wrong earlier. Selina is working for the Gotham Police Crime Hotline! It just seemed like a suicide prevention call center because she took the job during Gothtopia when the only "crime" was suicide. Anyway, Selina heads back to that job where all of her office mates apparently have nothing to fucking do but stand around and listen to Selina do her job incorrectly.

Why is she answering "friend speaking" on a crime hotline? I think she still thinks she's doing suicide prevention or abuse counseling!

I love how Selina's office mates high five and celebrate as Selina solves crimes over the telephone. Or they think she does! Instead the guy pulls the old twisteroo on Selina and kills himself using her words against her! Ha ha! In your face, Not Catwoman! Now you're hurting people no matter what persona you've chosen! Is this going to drive you back into Catwoman's arms?! One warning: Catwoman's arms currently smell like popping wheelies on your motorcycle.

Selina recognized the voice on the phone, so instead of telling the police in the other room to head to the address of her friend Gwen who might be dying of a gunshot, Selina races from the building and runs across a bunch of rooftops to get to Gwen. Luckily Gwen is a lousy shot and missed her face nine times, judging by the amount of shells on the ground. I guess Gwen has become so broke from Catwoman not fencing stolen products through her that she decided to end it all.

I guess the ten women she works with are too dowdy and supportive to think of as friends.

Gwen, being a true and disloyal rat of a fink of a friend, talks Selina into taking a look at the Race of Thieves invite she found in her purse, a gift from Trip Winter. Remember Trip Winter? He was the guy Catwoman fell in love with before she fell in love with Rat-Tails (woo woo!). He sent her on some job to play giant chess on Gotham rooftops or something. It doesn't matter since that story was interrupted by Death of the Family which caused it to make no sense. That's me being charitable because even if Death of the Family didn't interrupt the rooftop chess game, the story was still written by Ann Nocenti and, thus, would still make no sense.

The invite is from somebody named Roulette who claims to be the World's Greatest Thief. Selina cannot allow her to take that title since that title's keyhole fits perfectly with the World's Greatest Detective's key. Keyhole and Key are metaphors for vagina and penis.

Selina is properly outraged by this woman believing she's the one that should be fuckfighting The Batman, so she decides right then and there that Catwoman shall live again! She also discovers that Roulette is holding children hostage and that Gwen seems to want to live again. But those two things are entirely incidental. That bitch Roulette had better not be calling herself World's Greatest Thief!

Later Catwoman investigates The Foundling Hospital to see if the teeth in the invite were from the children at the hospital.

Of course he's her secret friend! She did give him a jewel studded dildo, after all!

See? The jewels are on the testicles. Probably.

If you want to read some of the shittiest shit of The New 52, just pick up this comic book and read the page where Selina visits Alice Tesla. Fascinating garbage!

Selina picks up some gear from Alice Tesla and a costume to attend Roulette's Party. The party takes place the same night that Selina learns of it which means Alice Tesla must have super speed. She also makes Catwoman's masquerade costume a Cat Mask with a Cat Charm Bracelet and a Cat Belt Buckle. Hopefully Selina doesn't mind being made by everybody at the party.

Selina shows how intuitive she is.

Roulette appears and gets the games started. Trip Winter is on her arm and a mechanical dog is by her side. She has a billionaire with fiery hair tied up and on a leash. It's his money backing the game and his child being held hostage. I bet the kid is inside the mechanical dog!

The game begins with a contest of Dexterity! Everybody rolls a D20! Or something. I actually have no idea what the Dexterity Challenge is because Roulette just says, "Let the games begin!" And then her dog attacks Volt and Mirror Master begins mirror-blasting shit. And Selina winds up in Mirror World spouting Ann Nocenti nonsense.

I guess the Contest of Dexterity was simply about not getting punched in the face by the other thieves? Roulette is definitely not the World's Greatest Gamemaker.

Catwoman #30 Rating: -2 Ranking. Here's my review via a conversation I had with Pickle Boy, my ex-assistant:

Me: "This comic book is so awful! How does she do it?"
Pickle Boy: "Dart board?"
Me: "Maybe if the dart board had different kinds of drugs tacked to it! Nocenti: 'Okay! Today I script under the influence of downers and LSD!'"

Rogues Rebellion #6

Remember people! This is the ROGUES Rebellion and not the ROUGES Rebellion. The Rouges would be Captain Cold Cream, Make-up Trickster, Heatwave Hair Treatment, Weathered Face Wrinkle Remover Wizard, and The Mirror Master.

What I have learned from this cover is that the sun is still eclipsed and that Grodd is a bigger bad-ass than Amazo, The Fearsome Five, Parasite, and all of Firestorm's enemies combined. I suppose that makes sense since he is a super fast gorilla. Nothing can beat a super fast gorilla.

This issue begins with The Pied Piper talking with an unconscious Glider. He's supposed to remain out of the fight protecting her but he's currently working through an iron clad argument for why he should leave her unguarded so he can go battle along side his old friends, The Rogues. He's also reminiscing about how much he liked hanging out with The Rogues but felt he never really fit in.

I don't want to really judge or anything but maybe you didn't fit in very well with super villains is because playing a flute at somebody isn't the most threatening act.

The three Rogues that are currently left in this series (Weather Wizard, The Trickster, and Mirror Master) are holding their own against about a baker's dozen of super villains. Mostly that's because Weather Wizard has the ability to blast multiple people with lightning while blowing another half dozen down the street with hurricane force winds. But he's still just one guy and even one guy of the super villains isn't just one guy! That's because he's Multiplex and he finally forces Weather Wizard into the defensive position that brought each of us into the world and the one which we're most likely going out in (especially if we're being kicked to death by multiple versions of the same guy): the fetal position.

But The Pied Piper flutes into the battle to save the day by fluting! And looking kind of cool for a guy armed with a lousy flute.

Can you think of a less intimidating weapon? Perhaps a box of chocolates? Or a kitten? Or a three month old infant?

Luckily for The Rogues, the Crime Syndicate didn't quite think think through their plan of sending lots of super villains to kill The Rogues. The Super Villains feel just as comfortable beating on each other as beating on The Rogues. It's not like they got a message telling them what to do anyway. If any of these villains missed the memo that The Rogues had a price on their heads, they might just think they were suddenly teleported into town to destroy the lumpy pink idiot with the lamprey face. And if they don't jump to that conclusion (which seems like a fairly jumpable conclusion), Pied Piper can always Flute Control The Parasite so that he attacks the other villains.

But at the end of things, the numbers just can't be denied. Too few Rogues; too many non-Rogues. It's a simple algebraic equation, really. They're simply overwhelmed and beaten to death. Or would have been beaten to death if not for The Pied Piper's Flute poking Glider awake.

She saves them with her tassels.

Since Captain Cold isn't here to come up with a plan, the job falls to his little sister, Glider. Mirror Master creates a huge mirror that Weather Wizard blows all the bad guys into while The Glider makes them all intangible so that the wind won't blow them in as well. Then The Trickster gets to break the mirror. Maybe all the really bad guys are now involved in the Arkham War.

Afterwards, The Rogues stick around to be thanked because they never learned from The Jeezly Crow Batman that you're supposed to disappear immediately after saving the city.

After this there's some sappy ending about family and looking down their noses at bad guys that kill. Nobody likes a holier-than-thou judgmental criminal!

Rogues Rebellion #6 Rating: +4 Ranking. This has easily been the best part of Forever Evil. These guys easily head a successful monthly title. As long as Buccellato wrote it! Or maybe Garth Ennis! Although that would be a whole different kind of clusterfuck for these poor guys. The Trickster already lost an arm. Who knows how many more body parts he'd lose if Ennis were writing it.

Rogues Rebellion #5

The Royal Flush Gang is playing with a full deck these days, hunh? I wonder if any of them are brave enough to be The Joker?

The Rogues have been having a rough couple of days. Ever since The Crime Syndicate took over New Earth and The Rogues decided they didn't want to work for The Super Secret Society of Secret Super Villains, they've been chased and harassed and attempted murdered. But I'm glad this is happening to them because I've always loved Captain Cold but never really gave any fucks about the rest of the crew. This has given me time to appreciate them without them being overshadowed by their great leader. And it's been a pretty fun little mini-series. I've also become a huge fan of Scott Hepburn who I might have said when his stuff first appeared in a comic book I can't remember (it might have been a Green Lantern issue! I think it had Hal and Carol arguing about Hal and Carol), "This guy's art massages my aesthetic prostate." Or words to that effect.

Oh, I was wrong. It was artist Hendry Prasetyo in New Guardians #18! I guess I just began liking Hepburn's work here in this mini-series!

This issue begins with The Rogues already captured by The Royal Flush Gang. I really thought Mirror Master was going to use his gun to send them all into the Mirror World through their shiny cards! Maybe he just can't think that fast. Or shoot 52 different people at once. Oh hey! The Royal Flush Gang should all get their own New 52 title! Maybe that can be a future special September event.

They don't spend very many pages as prisoners before Weather Wizard lightning bolts their captors. But not all of The Rogues are happy with the escape plan.

What kind of weather-related pun can you use when bashing a guy in the face with a rock? "I just rocked you like a hurricane"?

Weather Wizard decides he'd rather live than be a Rogue, so he ditches Mirror Master and The Trickster. Mirror Master can't just walk away because he needs to rescue Cold's sister Lisa from the clutches of the Royal Flush Gang. I mean, he doesn't have to but since he thinks he loves her, he feels like he should at least make the effort. For some reason, The Trickster sticks with him. Their plan is to just walk right up to the Royal Flush Gang in Central City and demand they release Glider.

Or at least send Mirror Constructs to do the negotiating for them since negotiations with maniacs is dangerous business. But Ace of Spades calls their bluff amid many other card related turns of phrase (even with The Flash gone, these guys can't escape the puns!) after which Mirror Master finally deploys his ace up his sleeve: Mirror World!

Better to find yourself in Mirror World than the Morgue, I guess.

While Mirror Master runs down Royal Flush Gang members in the same way I run down whatever I can in any video game that allows me to drive a car (including the Driver's Education Tutorial), The Trickster is rescuing Glider and making sure she's in safe hands.

Safe, gay hands.

This is the first time Pied Piper's made an appearance in a long, long time. Hopefully he'll remain active and in costume after this. He might even need a full issue of The Flash to himself and his struggles to remain out of sight as the Pied Piper while living with Singh. I also wouldn't mind an issue full of rats! Does the Pied Piper control rats or does he just lure little children into dark alleys? That was a Pied Piper stole kids joke and not a gay men are pedophiles joke although now that I think about the choice to make Pied Piper gay (way back in DC continuity), I wonder if this was a consideration in poor taste?

My favorite part of this picture is The Flash being assaulted by musical notes. What's wrong with you, Silver Age Flash? You can't outrun sound?!

Mark Waid was probably working on The Flash and thinking, "What would Alan Moore do? Probably have Wally rape someone. Ick. Maybe I shouldn't try to think about what Alan Moore would do! What about something a bit less controversial but that includes a hidden agenda highlighting my belief that homosexuals are pedophiles? Oh! The Pied Piper of Hamelin stole children! I'll make the Pied Piper gay!"

Also, Mark Waid probably doesn't actually believe that homosexuals are pedophiles. I mean, he might! How do I know? It's not like I've contacted him for an interview! Instead I'm just typing up total fabrications about him! Where's the harm in that?

As The Rogues and their allies (Pied Piper and the Central City Police Force (at least the ones still alive after Grodd and his Gorilla Assault)) battle The Royal Flush Gang, Johnny Quick and Atomica arrive in Central City. That's probably why this issue is called "Fastest Psychopath Alive." Poor Johnny is going to find out that the citizens of New Earth's Central City know a thing or two about battling Speedsters. He's probably used to a Central City full of dead citizens that used to know a thing or two about battling Speedsters.

I'm liking The Trickster more and more every time he decides to call a super hero something other than what they want to be called! I like The Jacked-Up League. I really liked Meth-Head Green Lantern as well.

Atomica and Johnny Quick do a little ass kicking and a paltry amount of murder before Grid relays Ultraman's orders to return to Happy Harbor. But Johnny and Atomica decide to ignore the orders until they've killed Mirror Master and The Trickster. Mostly because The Rogues were cops on Earth 3 and they just feel like killing them again.

I can't remember if Johnny was with the Crime Syndicate at the end of Forever Evil #5 where they witnessed whatever was chasing them (The Anti-Monitor?) breaking through the veil and entering New Earth. I hope he wasn't because I want to see him get killed by The Rogues. Please let him get killed by The Rogues!

That's a pretty good start!

Marco is busy doing a pretty good job of standing his ground against Johnny Quick right up until he's shot in the head by Ace of Spades. Johnny isn't very happy about somebody stealing his kill, so Ace of Spades becomes Red Mist unless Mark Millar would sue me for using that name and then Ace of Spades just gets exploded like a blood sausage. Unless Interplay will sue me for using that description from Wasteland. And then maybe I should just say he's killed by Johnny.

Surprisingly if you don't read comic books regularly, Weather Wizard was not killed but merely grazed by the shot. Johnny and Atomica are forced to teleport away by Grid because Grid doesn't want to have to answer to that psychopath Ultraman for not following orders. But Grid promises to teleport in other means to deal with The Rogues. Which he says he does before turning to the last page to find out what those "other means" are. I'd suspect it's some of the Secret Society of Super Secret Villains but Deathstork Deathstroke has switched sides and Copperhead was shot in the face. So who is it going to be? Giganta and Blockbuster? Boring! Hopefully it's somebody new!

It actually ends up being a two page spread worth of villains! Grodd. The Bureau of 2000 Assassin's Committee featuring Hyena, Black Bison, Plastique, Typhoon, and Multiplex. A guy that might be Eclipso since he's got the ears and the haircut but he doesn't have any of the panache. The Green Arrow wannabe from earlier in the series. Parasite. And the Fearsome Five but with six members: Psimon, Gizmo, Jinx, Mammoth, some white girl in a bikini top and jeans, and possibly Brimstone. I think that covers everybody. That's an awful lot of firepower to send to defeat three low level street thieves!

Rogues Rebellion #5 Rating: +3 Ranking. I'm disappointed that the Rogues weren't given the go ahead by DC Editorial to kill Johnny Quick. It would have been really nice to see one of the Crime Syndicate die in one of the offshoot Forever Evil stories instead of leaving them all to Geoff Johns to take care of in Forever Evil. But aside from that, this issue was tray magnifique where tray is actually spelled differently because it's from another language and people who speak that language would get upset by the use of très with magnifique because it's redundant or something. But I bet they'd still say shit like "very unique" and "with au jus" or any other number of stupid sayings that they ignore that they say when they correct other people on the incorrect things they say. I would never do that! Except in the name of comedy, of course!

Rogues Rebellion #4

What the fuck? Did Bane and everybody else take a time out in their Arkham War to beat the shit out of a few out-of-towners?

As the issue begins, we're (I accept all of you as my traveling companions in the World of DC's New 52. Shall we get a drink at the hostel bar before heading out? Maybe a little hanky-panky in the shared bathroom while a drunk German vomits out a lung in the stall next to us while intermittently shouting, "Her-ka! Her-ka! *BLAAAARGH*") introduced to The New 52 Royal Flush Gang. It's possible they showed up for a brief moment in Forever Evil but a lot of fucking assholes cameoed in that so forgive me if I can't quite recall. They're operating out of Atlantic City at the "Man of Steal" casino. Which looks like The Daily Planet. I get that it's just themed like Metropolis but if I were Clark Kent, I'd be a little bit worried that they might be on to my secret identity over there in Atlantic City. I bet Las Vegas runs odds on the most likely candidates for Superman's secret identity. And probably Batman and all the others. I wonder what the payout was for guessing that Dick Grayson was Nightwing? I bet the odds were near even on that bet since Bruce Wayne has got to be fucking front runner for being Batman. Odds makers don't fuck around. They know shit. They're practically mystic shaman.

Anyway, The Royal Flush Gang remind me why the cover is the way the cover is and why a bunch of psychotic assholes might actually take a moment to break from war to capture The Rogues. I forgot that The Crime Syndicate put out a hit on them. And The Royal Flush Gang wants that cash control of all gambling from coast to coast. Who the fuck is going to have time to gamble in this fucked up world run by super assholes?

The Royal Flush Gang is confusing. The guy in the throne seemed to obviously be The Ace of Spades and yet the Ace of Hearts calls him "King." Do these fuckers know how cards work?

Back in Gotham, Mirror Master learns what Mister Freeze really wants.

Silly Putty! Why didn't Plastic Man go with that name and take the lucrative product tie-in deal!?

Mirror Master chooses not to help Mister Freeze which is mostly okay because, apparently, Clayface can actually use the powers of the person he replicates if their powers are a result of a change in genetic structure. So if Clayface sucks down some of Weather Wizard's sweet, sweet DNA, then Claypuss can control the weather! Wow. Clayface can really get pretty powerful, can't he?

Meanwhile in a police impound lot, The Trickster, having been separated, meets up with a cool guy in a hoodie. He doesn't seem suspicious at all, hiding his facial features and slinking around in the dark. He's probably a priest or a doctor or something not crazy or scary at all. The Trickster thinks he's a bit creepy but what does The Trickster know? People are probably more dangerous in Central City than in Gotham.

No, no. The guy turns out to be Zsasz. I knew Talon went too easy on him over in Arkham War. Fucking Talon can't do anything right.

Who's posting pictures of Zsasz on Tumblr? Who the fuck are they shipping him with? I'd go with Ferdie. #Ferdsz

Back at the main action, Weather Wizard comes about and Heatwave tells Mister Freeze that he "ain't no Captain Cold." You're fucking telling me! I hate friggin' Mister Freeze! Taking all of Captain Cold's glory simply because Mister Freeze wound up on the big screen. And even though it was a crappy movie, it was still publicity. So now even people who don't like Batman or comic books still know who Mister Freeze is. But he doesn't deserve that kind of recognition. Not at all. Captain Cold is a fucking captain! Mister Freeze is just, like, your neighbor or something! "Oh, good morning, Mister Freeze. Nice day today, yeah?"

The fight is a bit of a stalemate when Black Mask and The Best Fucking Gang in Gotham arrive on the scene.

Seriously. Best fucking gang ever. Although they really could use a raccoon. And a kitten. At least they've got a goat. Also note how poor Clayface is, yet again, being verbally abused because of his looks.

As the Rogues are getting their asses handed to them, The Trickster arrives with their getaway vehicle. But they still can't get away until Heatwave stays behind to blow himself up in a gigantic conflagration that might kill The Bunny and maybe The Monkey but none of the really important super villains. It does, though, give the Rogues (minus Heatwave) a chance to escape. So Heatwave proves that he is a big softy and not the asshole he was trying to make me believe that he was. Too bad I don't give a shit about him or this might have been a nice moment. Also, no way in fuck is he (or Mister Freeze or Clayface or Black Mask) dead. Did I need to type that? That's obvious, right? Comic Books 101!

As the Rogues are leaving Gotham, the Royal Flush Gang catches up with them. They point out that they have The Glider and that she's going to die if The Rogues don't give themselves up to be turned over to The Crime Syndicate where they'll all die anyway. Including Glider. The Royal Flush Gang aren't very good at doing their homework though since they fly in on shiny, reflective metal cards. Which means they're all going to wind up in Mirror World in about seven seconds.

Rogues Rebellion #4 Rating: No change. Some enjoyable moments here but it felt like mostly treading water. I suppose Heatwave's sacrifice was the big moment here. And how he's once again stated his mistrust of Captain Cold. Maybe Mick is going to be out since he seemed the least able to get with the "Rogues are Family" program.

Rogues Rebellion #3

Last issue ends with Poison Ivy, so you'd think DC would have front loaded this comic with her image, probably forcing her into a Boob/Butt Showcase (but also selling a lot of copies!). Instead, they throw Man-bat on the cover and virtually assure that loads of this comic book will remain on the shelf in the Local Comic Book Store.

I know this is probably blasphemy to people who grew up in the eighties but I'm not against bringing up controversial subjects, so here it is: I think a remake of Back to the Future would be a great idea. Come on! Release it in 2015 so that the new Marty McFly goes back to 1985 when the original was set. And I suppose, if you really want to fuck up some crazy shit, don't make it a remake at all. Make it about Marty's kid and have him interact with the original Doc Brown, Christopher Lloyd, as more potentially wacky time disasters ensue. Michael J. Fox can reprise his role as Marty and his Parkinsons Syndrome can be explained as the aftereffects of all the time travel he wound up doing. It's also why he never time traveled again after the final movie. And in the same year (2015, remember?) release the next Ghostbusters, Star Wars, and Indiana Jones movies! I bet we'd see a lot of people from my generation completely lose their fucking shit!

So that's my position on a new Back to the Future movie! Go for it! You know what? Perhaps my suggestion is too run of the mill! Shit, most of what I just wrote has probably been said countless times by big fans all over the internet already! I can't help it if I don't subscribe to Potential Hollywood Movie Possibilities Weekly. Maybe they should simply hire Crispin Glover to tell the story in one long rambling shot as he paces around a stage and shows a slide show of the events via pictures he's hastily scribbled out on used napkins. I'd watch that too!

But I should probably stay away from these kinds of controversial subjects in my little comic book reading blog! I don't want to piss anybody off by expressing a version of pop culture radically different from the one they'd like to experience. I should just stick to talking about politics and religion. You know, things internet nerds care less about.

So last issue, The Rogues (minus Captain Cold, the best member of the group) found themselves in Poison Ivy's poisonous clutches! I mean venomous clutches! I think. One of those! She probably called them "boys" or something as well to get a nice emasculating dig in before she literally emasculates them. That means cutting off their members! That's why I used the word "literally!" I know the word has been watered down so much that it might have been confusing as to why I said it. You might have simply thought I meant she was going to make them admit they don't like watching football and can't stand the taste of beer from a can. But I didn't! I meant she was going to cut off their penis and testicles.

Look at her! She's so perfect here! Mister Hepburn, I will read any comic book you decide to draw. Even if it's written by Ann Nocenti.

As you may have gathered in the hems of your underwear, I appreciate comic book art that tends toward an animation style or a bit of exaggerated cartooniness. I'm not huge on photo realistic shit.

Poison Ivy points out that she knows The Crime Syndicate put a bounty on their heads but she doesn't give a fuck about that. She needs their help. Possibly in securing her part of Gotham. Maybe a little help to bring down Bane? Every ex-Arkhamite in Gotham has such wildly different plans for the city, it's hard to guess what Poison Ivy is after. Perhaps simply a garden of her own? While most of the Rogues act threatening, The Trickster decides to try a different approach: treat her like a sex object! Hey, you never know! It's best to try everything when negotiating with psychotics!

Too bad for The Trickster, Poison Ivy is not a sex object. She's the sex subject of the fucking sex sentence, bitch.

Poison Ivy now uses The Trickster as her negotiating tool (emphasis on tool!). If the Rogues don't help her, she'll just let him die from the poison. And what can they help her with? Well, she wants Weather Wizard to end the eclipse so her plants can enjoy a little bit of sunshine. Um. You do know, Miss Ivy, that "eclipses" aren't "technically" "weather"? I used a lot of quotations there because I don't know which part of that sentence was air-quote worthy. Because maybe eclipses are technically a weather phenomenon! A space weather phenomenon!

Weather Wizard points out she's crazy and maybe not very well-educated but Mirror Master believes he knows how they can move the moon! I bet his plan, like some crazed magician (I don't know why I used the adjective "crazed" there!), isn't to move the moon at all! But to use mirrors to make it seem like the moon has moved! I think Mirror Master would be a lousy name for a stage magician because you're giving the secret away right up front.

Somewhere in the next few pages I read (possibly the very next page, actually), Mirror Master (as he and Heatwave look for a Waynetech Warehouse for parts) reveals that his plan is, in fact, to create a series of mirrors to shine the sun on Ivy's Garden. I was going to scan the part where he reminds Heatwave of the plan but then the panel after that seemed like a much better choice to scan.

I don't know what this is about yet.

Oh, never mind. It was just The Ventriloguist with a couple of new dolls. I wonder if they're related to Ferdie?

Poison Ivy and Weather Wizard remain behind to watch over Trickster and chat a bit. One of the best parts about this Rogues Rebellion crossover series is that Buccellato gets a nice place to expand on the Rogues and their characters without taking time away from The Flash in his own book. Plus, Captain Cold is always overshadowing the rest of them, so it's nice to get the others away from him for awhile as well. Also, just pretend I said something silly in this paragraph to make up for the fact that I almost spoke intelligently about this comic book but then only did so in sweeping generalizations because thinking is hard.

Mirror Master and Heatwave have their own little moment as well.

Oh Heatwave! You big softy! Your actions betray you. You're actually laying your life on the line by helping out The Trickster which means you just don't want to feel the guilt and responsibility of one of your friends dying to save you! So cute!

While searching for parts to create a new Mirror Gun, Mirror Master and Heatwave make a god-awful racket. I don't want to lay the blame on either one of them particularly but if you had me at knife point with your dick out and told me I'd have to suck your dick if I didn't give up who was at fault, I'd say, "Mmmm! *gobble gobble suck suck drink* Mmmmm! Wait, what did you say? Why are you holding that knife?"

So anyway, a loud noise occurs through random happenstance and not at all from carelessness which causes the Men-Bats to come investigating because they have super awesome hearing and maths skills which allow them to hear a noise and triangulate the exact location of the noise. Unless they can only do that with their echo location? Oh, who cares! I don't believe in evolution anyway! So bats just hear good cause God gave them big ears.

I see they take after Batman in more ways than one. I bet the number one injury to children in Gotham City is from stepping on broken glass.

Halfway through the issue and Mirror Master doesn't even have his gun built yet! I don't think Poison Ivy is going to get her patch of sun this issue. I hope The Trickster can hold out for another month.

Heatwave and Mirror Master defeat the Men-bats although Heatwave gets pretty fucked up. And even when he's down and feeling like he might die, he still calls out for Mirror Master to help him. Because he knows his friend is there for him and that he would be there for Mirror Master. I think. Maybe Heatwave really is a gigantic selfish prick?! Perhaps I should take people at face value and accept the things they say instead of trying to analyze what they really mean. Because when I'm analyzing somebody, what I'm really doing is conflating who I think they should be. I have no real idea what's going on in anybody else's mind! So why give them the benefit of the doubt when they tell me they're an asshole? If you say you're an asshole, who am I to argue?!

Mirror Master and Heatwave take care of the Men-bats so quickly that they still have plenty of time to save Ivy's garden!

Mirror Master's plan works as he uses the mirrors on a satellite to bring sunlight through the Mirror World and out on to Ivy's garden. But Mirror Master is almost lost and The Trickster (who Ivy cured before the plan was put into action) flies into the Mirror World to save Mirror Master. The point being, the sunlight only lasts for a short time and Poison Ivy isn't particularly happy with the results. That's too bad! I would have liked the idea of Poison Ivy having a nice shiny patch of sun in the middle of Gotham! Although I'm sure as soon as Ultraman heard about it, he'd send Johnny Quick in to bust the mirror and put an end to all the happy, shiny nonsense.

Poison Ivy turns on the Rogues but it doesn't really matter much since the blast of sunlight has attracted the attention of a Man-bat and Mister Freeze.

Oh, and Claypuss.

I once wore my Captain Cold costume (just the top half with the hoodie. Okay, maybe the glasses too) to my old job at Academic Book Center about ten years ago. Everybody's first guess as to who I was? Yep. Mister Freeze. Fuck you, Arnold and that shitty portrayal that brought Mister Freeze to the forefront of everybody's minds when they think of cold based villains! At least I think his portrayal was shitty. You know what? I've never seen Batman and Robin! I should rectify that. Emphasis on the rectify! Because the movie sounds like rectum!

Rogues Rebellion #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. While Forever Evil's Villains Month probably had more misses than hits, the several mini-series that have come out of that event have been fun reads. Even ARGUS! Who'd have thought?! Fucking Steve Trevor isn't a guy I would ever be interested in reading about regularly. But I do like seeing him get his ass beat by Deathstroke. Also, I discovered another artist that I really enjoy! Nice job, Scott Hepburn!

Rogues Rebellion #2

In Which The Parasite Gets Kicked Out of the House on Real World: Keystone City.

Call of Duty: Clan Wars began last week so I fell behind in my reading of comic books to earn some virtual patches that nobody will ever see. I wonder if I can get Sunset Embroidery (my aunt's business) to make some real world versions of my First Place Clan Wars Patches! Then I can affix them to a nice sport coat and pretend I attend a really hoity-toity Country Club where most of the members are probably racist and have never read a work of fiction in their adult lives. Hmm, if my Country Club is imaginary, why can't I imagine it better than every other Country Club that has ever existed? You can't say "Country Club" without "Cunt!" Or "lube" if you have a bit of a weird accent or speech impediment.

Last issue, the Rogues had one job to do and they fucked it up because they allowed their empathy and their ethics to get in the way of their greed. But The Crime Syndicate sent the 2000 Assassanition Bureau Committee to slap their wrists. But apparently they couldn't get the job done fast enough because now Power Ring and Deathstorm have appeared to take away The Rogues' powers and give them a rather severe tongue lashing.

Hmm. I've seen worse tongue lashings than this on Little House on the Prairie! Although to be fair, Laura Ingalls often deserved to be whupped. That child was a true monster. And yet Nellie Olsen gets all the bad press.

Remember Perfect Strangers? Man, no wonder so many Hollywood executives were doing cocaine in the eighties. They could put anything on television and the populace would watch it. "Hey, look at this, Ma! There's a guy with a funny accent on the television! And he's trying to live in America! What a hoot!" Advertising money would pour in faster than anybody in Hollywood knew what to do with it, so they just shoved it up their noses and thought up more half hour comedies where two to four characters with catch phrases argued with each other until wacky hijinks ensued. Some people may think that this country lost its innocence after we dropped a couple of nuclear bombs on Japan while still others believe that Vietnam brought the country into a cynical state of adulthood. But I can point to one single factor that shows most of our country had yet to lose its innocence well into the eighties: Growing Pains had a character named "Boner" on it without the slightest bit of tongue in cheek irony. That's some fifties era level naïveté right there.

I think that every organization should hire one person to be a cynical smart-ass, piece of shit motherfucker. That way, she'll be there to point out when they're putting out a product or starting an ad campaign that could be misconstrued as in bad taste or silly or just fucking messed up. I find myself inadvertently laughing at serious ads or news stories a few times a week because nobody sassed the people in charge about their stupid idea. Too bad I can't think of any examples right now to make my point seem legitimate! But seriously! Companies! You really need a Board of Cynics to look over every single thing you do. It'll make life much easier!

I know I called The Trickster "annoying" and "Toto" last issue but this made me change my mind.

Power Ring's paranoia takes over and he decides The Rogues need to be killed before they begin killing him. So a brawl breaks out between The Crime Goons and The Rogues. This scene already took place in Forever Evil #3 with some minor changes to the dialogue. In Forever Evil #3, Trickster replaces "You guys, obviously he's crazy--Am I right?" with "My mask has been itching all day!" This version is much better. I mentioned earlier that the Rogues had lost their powers but I was wrong. That happens in this fight and took place in Forever Evil #3 which my brain simply assumed happened in Rogues Rebellion #1. Go figure!

A little bit more of the action is covered here since the focus is on the other team members whereas the focus was on Captain Cold in Forever Evil #3. So now we get to see Trickster call Deathstorm "Skeletor" (he says, "Eat metal fist, Skeletor," which I, of course, first read as "Eat metal, Fist Skeletor."). We also get to see this juicy piece of non-information!

What are these two up to? Oh wait. Mirror Master just meant the fog. For a second there, I thought they were Nightwing and Damian disguised as Mirror Master and Heatwave. But then I remembered those characters are both dead. Or as good as, anyway.

Next on the agenda is to recount the pages from Forever Evil where Deathstorm removed Captain Cold's powers. Even though I've already read this bit, I like it much better with Hepburn's art over Finch's as well as some of the slight modifications in the writing. Also, Forever Evil doesn't have a post dick sucking shot of Captain Cold when all is said and done.

Somebody's got dick breath!

I'm sure this comic book isn't going to continually repeat everything that happens in Forever Evil, so my guess is that this comic book will continue to follow the other Rogues as they escape the Crime Syndicate while Captain Cold teams up with Luthor and Bizarro and Black Manta and Black Adam in Forever Evil.

I rant and I rave about the state of comic books today but I don't think I've ever offered any real solutions except for having Batman and Superman comics subsidize all of the other comic books. And I'm often hard pressed to explain what exactly I can't stand about a comic book and what I really like about another. I suppose that's because the real, initial, primary lure of comic books is rarely intellectual. It's visceral and emotional and feelsy. Buccelato tends to write comic books that satisfy my Comic Book Love Zone (yes, it's as disgusting as it sounds). And this here art of Scott Hepburn, who sounds familiar but I'm not sure where I've seen his work before, really rubs up against my Comic Book G-spot. And this page I'm about to scan in is a prime example of the things I love about comic books. This here ruins my Comic Book Underwear. I wish I could say that last sentence was metaphorical.

Trickster has flying shoes, so they'll probably be okay.

Not only is this page tense and fun, it also utilizes the medium of comics in a way that Kenneth Rocafort's staccato, crazy panel layout never can. We get depth and height and the seriousness of the situation in the first panel. It's also static and tame. They are safe for the moment. But it's the next series of panels that really make the page shine. We see the upward, hopeful movement of Mirror Master pulling Heatwave to safety in the first two. But the movement slowly shifts so that when Heatwave and The Trickster finally do slip through Mirror Master's fingers, the panels help to make the reader feel the downward movement. And to top it all off, the whole design feels natural to the eye because the panels also mimic the perspective of the windows on the building. Gorgeous stuff, this.

Trickster's flying shoes don't save them because they have Weather Wizard who is able to create a safety funnel and deposit the Rogues on a nearby roof. The Rogues dust themselves off and find that they're in Metropolis now after being rejected from Mirror World. That would make more sense than Captain Cold running into Lex Luthor in Central City like I thought was going on during Forever Evil #3. It also makes more sense for Black Manta to come swimming out of the ocean with Black Adam in tow! I knew there was something fishy about the set up in Forever Evil!

Captain Cold leaves the Rogues to figure out how to get back to Glider while he runs off to play with Lex Luthor. The next incident in the Rogues life is meeting up with an idiot with a death wish.

Ha ha! That's extra funny because Green Arrow is already low-budget. It's like calling somebody the uncool Aquaman!

The next person, if I can use the term "person," that attacks them is The Parasite. It seems that everybody's magic coin has proclaimed that the Rogues are wanted by the Crime Syndicate. And the Crime Syndicate is actually paying for this job instead of filling everybody's clutch purses with hope and promises. Did Twat Lobo get a coin? Because I think just hearing about a job that pays means that he has to complete it due to his ethics or something. Unless Twat Lobo is less ethical than Regular Flavoured Lobo.

Time for a What Not to Wear, Super-Villain Edition? I would vote for Signalman to be on the show.

Parasite usually fights Superman so I would recommend to the Rogues that they get the fuck out of there as fast as possible. Weather Wizard blasts the Parasite with lightning (not "lightening," Internet) and fills him super full of tasty good potential energy which he's just dying to make kinetic all over Weather Wizard's face. Weather Wizard desperately calls for a new plan five times although I already told him the best plan! In the immortal words of the Amityville Pig Ghost: "GET. OUT."

They decide to go with my (and the Pig Ghost's) plan and escape into the Mirror World. Which Mirror Master has no ability to control anymore. So they're quickly rocketed out of it into another random location. Although not the real type of random. The kind of random where they don't get to choose but the writer has already thought out and planned for them all along.

If it were truly random, they probably would have come out in San Jose, California.

Rogues Rebellion #2 Rating: +4 Ranking. Do I have to justify my rankings at this point? This blog was never supposed to be a review site and yet sometimes people feel incomplete if I just make jokes and don't actually give my opinion. I suppose it's the same sort of feeling people experienced when walking out of The Blair Witch Project. That movie made people physically ill and, I suspect, many of them probably blamed it on the way it was filmed. But I'll tell you why they really felt ill. Because the movie offered no catharsis. It built more and more tension throughout the film, building up to a crescendo and what should have been a huge scare or epic reveal. Instead, it just ended with a guy possibly masturbating in the corner and the camera falling on the floor. There was no huge release. No scream to get out the built up tension. Instead, it remained a tight ball in the pit of the stomach. I'm surprised more people didn't walk out of the theater and vandalize cars in the parking lot. Oh, I almost forgot my justification! This comic book was fun and I like fun comic books and I'm a big fan of Captain Cold.