The Authority #26 (November 2001)

If I were afraid of being seen as gay, I wouldn't use a double-sided ribbed dildo as my weapon of choice, Last Call.

I might use a regular dildo with only one head because then people wouldn't think, "Why's it gotta have two heads unless you're shoving one side up yourself as you forcibly penetrate your opponent?" I'd also like to clarify that I wouldn't shove anything up the asshole of an opponent that I'm battling because I'm better than that (unless I knew for certain they had just gotten out of the shower and they were dropping flirty hints during the battle that they were kind of into it). Should I also clarify that I wouldn't beat anybody to death at all (unless they were freshly out of the shower and they had threatened one of my cats)?

Now I wish I was fighting Rush, freshly out of the shower, with a double-sided dildo and she was all, "Oops! my overalls just fell down!", as she bent over bearing her ass with a pinky up to her mouth and a sly wink.

Dinh, the leader of the Space Asians, has just resurrected The Authority out of the molecules of New Authority.

Please wish back Rush freshly out of the shower? Please oh please oh please!

David Finch isn't drawing this issue so I'm fairly certain Rush won't suddenly reappear in a towel so short you can see butt cleavage. Hopefully Jenny Sparks will be all, "I wish I was dead! Why'd you have to bring me back?! Didn't you learn anything from Season 6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?!"

The Doctor, who can rewrite reality, doesn't want anybody else to have the opportunity to rewrite reality so he's all, "It's a bad idea, gang! The consequences could be catastrophic!" He then mumbles, "to my ego". Ultimately it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks because Jenny Sparks comes up with the wish almost immediately. Fingers crossed it involves Rush and a towel. No wait! Rush and no towel!

Terrible wish. Even an amateur genie would know how to fuck up that wish!

A smart-ass genie might remove all the limbs of all the creatures on Earth with a wish of "total disarmament." But a professional genie would be all, "Oh? You want every thing that can be used as a weapon to oppress other human beings destroyed? No problem!" Then all the human beings would disappear. Or if the genie didn't want to go that far, he'd at least remove every human's hands, feet, and teeth, and probably all the penises, just to make sure nobody could ever again hurt anybody else. But then Jenny isn't asking this wish of a genie! She's asking it of a dream machine that seems to understand the subtleties of her wish.

Gun nuts are going to go crazy on Jenny for this wish. They'll be all, "Now how will women in abusive relationships protect themselves? Are you anti-women?" But they'll quickly be chased away by a goose honking, "Protect them from whom? Who did they need protecting from?!" So fuck the gun nuts. They're nuts for a reason!

In celebration of Earth suddenly having no weapons which automatically means no conflict, I guess?, the team celebrates with lots of hugs. Apollo tries to hug Midnighter and Midnighter freezes up and then headbutts him in the face. Whoops! I guess homophobia is stronger than genie wishes!

I mean, I like women but I think maybe that's just semantics? I hope?

See? For Jenny's wish to truly have worked, everybody would have had to lose their heads as well as their fists and feet and teeth! The genie who just made all humans disappear would have been the only genie expressing the wish correctly.

After murdering Dinh, the Space Asian city in Re-Space begins to collapse around them. New Authority Door back to The Carrier but not before Colonel makes one last wish on the wishing lantern. He's probably wishing for lower taxes on cartons of cigarettes.

Just in case anybody too dense to understand what just happened didn't get it.

They're all so proud of Last Call's homophobia! Look at their cute little faces beaming down on him! What a joyous moment of hate and joy!

I've mentioned my Catholic, Republican friend from high school, Soy Rakelson, on this blog before. He used to get so angry at the term "homophobia" because he insisted he wasn't scared of gay people. Not at all! And yet, he was so fucking scared of gay people! I remember how he was raving about Peter Milligan's comic book, Enigma, right up until it was plainly stated that the main character was gay and wrestling with his sexuality at which point Soy stopped reading the comic, stopped talking about the comic, and just pretended he was never into it. He was always so into broad theories because specifics always fucked him up too much. Like he loved the John Barth short story from Lost in the Funhouse, "Night-sea Journey", when he thought it was just a bunch of non-specific existentialist philosophical thinking by a "swimmer." He brought it up to me once, and I responded, "Oh, the story about the sperm?" And he just looked gobsmacked. You could see his brain clicking away at the ramifications of what the story was about and how it changed everything going from broad philosophical ramblings to the very specific existentialist quandary of a spermatozoa pleading to all other sperm to end procreation. Being John Barth, there's a lot more to it than just that, of course. Like how stories get told, how they're transmitted, how they're created, and how they outlive the creatures that create them. But his Catholic brain just shit itself the moment I pointed out that the story was from the point of view of a sperm wanting to tear it all fucking down.

What I'm saying is that Soy didn't like specifics because often the specifics wound up conflicting with his specific beliefs. Like most Conservatives (and Comicsgaters and Free Speech Enthusiasts and Racists and Homophobes), they want broad stories so they can ignore any details that go against the things they believe. Because if something in a story points even half-heartedly in the direction of accusing them of being a terrible person, they'll firebomb it, claim it's woke bullshit, and go running into their safe space man cave.

Oh shit! It's this fucker that caused things to slide right! I bet he even thought Nigel Farage into existence!

I guess that's the end of "Transfer of Power". There's an epilogue where New Authority go to battle Doctor Krigstein's assassins whom we saw in silhouette an issue or two ago. But I think that's just to tie up that loose end since nothing really came of it. It looks like he created more gender-swapped versions of The Authority with a Jill Hawksmoor and a Woodpecker (male Swift) and an Aphrodite. But that's just a splash page and then the story ends with Colonel all, "I love this job!" I hope he loves it as much when The Authority and/or Seth destroy him next issue.

The Authority #26 Rating: B+. It was fine! Who doesn't want to see the day saved by homophobia?! I mean, in a normal comic book, it would seem weird. But this is the Anti-Authority comic book where the opposite of the usual takes place. Like how Swift is boring and I constantly forget about her in the main book but Rush is exciting and I can't stop picturing her fresh out of the shower in this book! Such opposite dynamics! Also Midnighter loves cock in the regular book but he hates cock so much in this book that Last Call has probably never washed his junk or wiped his ass in thirty-two years. I find it weird when people think touching their own parts is somehow gay. The sexiest thing I can think of is my own penis! If I could only shove it up my own ass, boy oh boy! What a world this would be! And I . . . LIKE . . . WOMEN!!

The Authority #25 (October 2001)

"No Homo!"

It has previously been established that Last Call shouts his name when he murders somebody by punching them in the face. It's also been established that he's completely terrified that somebody might think he's gay. So I've solved his problems by renaming him No Homo! Now whenever he murders a man by touching that man in a way that might cause some homophobes to think, "Ew! That man just touched another man!", he can scream, "No Homo!" and they'll think, "Oh, okay! I was unclear whether or not that was homosexual. I may have been distracted by how much my butthole itches because I'm too straight to wipe. The butt is the gay place!"

Last Call attacks a Space Asian who melts all over him and they both disappear into the Æther. Teuton distracts the rest of the space fleet by flying them to the jungles of some South American nation where their attack on Earth will help New Authority kill a bunch of drug runners. The rest of New Authority head back to The Carrier to discuss how much trouble they're in since they've discovered the Space Asians and the Poverty Bomb are their fault. They dumped the refugees in Re-Space and now they've Re-turned to get Re-venge. The Colonel gets pissed off when it's evident that he's the one who's going to get blamed since he's in charge. He also gets scared because punishment by his government masters comes in the form of a meeting with Hillbilly Assassin, Seth. And that guy doesn't just murder people. He also ejaculates himself inside people so he can explode out of their nether orifices. Sometimes he fucks and eats them and shits them out before fucking and eating them again.

Last Call finds himself caged in Re-Space where he gets a lesson on how it all works and why the attack on Earth happened so suddenly after dumping the bodies.

That's a lot of word to say, "We're going to fuck you the way you fucked us."

Speaking of fucking, this Re-Spaced Southeast Asian Refugee discovers Last Call's worst fear: being homosexual. So he's all, "I can think you homosexual and then you'll be homosexual and you'll just love dick so much!" And Last Call is all, "*drool drool drool*"

I don't know if the drool is from the ball gag in his mouth or the thought of what it will soon be replaced with. Dick. It's going to be replaced with dicks.

If Last Call had learned anything about psychic defenses, he could have fooled the Re-Space guy into thinking his worst fear was butt sex with a hot woman! Then the guy would have been, "Ha ha! I can imagine you having loads of butt sex with hot women for all eternity!" Then Last Call would have died from jizzing so hard at the thought. So maybe it's good he didn't have any psychic preparations for this attack.

I'm not going to discuss the issue with making Last Call gay as punishment because it's not like this guy is all, "Being gay is a punishment for everybody!" He's just all, "Being gay would be a punishment for you and I fucking can't stand you so now you're gay, sir."

Chaplain Action kicks Colonel's ass hard enough to make him understand that he needs to lead New Authority and they need to save the world. So they all buck up and head into Re-Space to re-murder the re-fugees they re-cently re-moved from The Carrier. They descend on the Space Asians who immediately unthink them out of existence. They then re-think up The Authority and they're back to life!

Couldn't they have at least have re-placed Swift with Rush?

How does Jenny Sparks know she missed anything? Does she remember dying? Shouldn't she be overwhelmed by confusion?

The Authority #25 Rating: B-. Hopefully this isn't how The Authority return to their world. It would be a major cop-out when obviously Mark Millar had something planned for his four part story before Frank Quitely quit. Especially since Jenny Quantum survived somewhere on Earth after Midnighter escaped with her and hid her. What would happen if the Spirit of the 20th Century and the Spirit of the 21st Century co-existed?! Plus Jack Hawksmoor was inside Seth's torso and I was really looking forward to Jack kicking Seth's spine out of him from the inside.

The Authority #24 (September 2001)

The Authority. The Monarchy. Now The Establishment? Will next issue introduce The Hall Monitors?

P.S. for the last review: So I read the letters page and it explained why The Authority was delayed from March to August. Frank Quitely quit. He got a better offer and possibly was exhausted from drawing so many decapitations. The new artist chosen to replace Frank Quitely, Arthur Adams, had some shit he had to finish up. And since the story was at a place where a New Authority had just appeared, everybody got the great idea to just throw in a story where they were the main characters. I don't know how anything works but I guess eight months was finally enough time to get the story, "Brave New World", back on track. So that's that story. Here's another one:

After Issue #29, Garth Ennis was meant to take over The Authority. And after that, Brian Azzarello. But it never happened and now those runs of The Authority only exist in Sandman's library. Maybe I'll try to read them in my sleep over the next few months so I can do reviews of them.

This issue begins with New Authority being led in prayer by Pope Ultimate Nick Fury. That's when I, being far less astute than the average comic book reader, realize each member of New Authority are nationals of each of the seven countries in Wildstorm Earth's G7 nations: Colonel from the United Kingdom, Machine from Japan, Streets from the United States of America, my girlfriend Rush from Canada, The Surgeon from France, Teuton from duh, and Last Call from Italy. Last Call is heterosexual, by the way. He mentions his girlfriend every chance he gets. I'm surprised he didn't take the name No Homo.

Machine, you foul temptress! Your ass will not make me forget my girl Machine! I mean Rush!

New Authority uses religion the same way Republicans use it: as camouflage for gullible jerks and/or selfish bastards who know better but appreciate the flimsy appearance of religiosity. I suspect that the reason Conservatives love the term "virtue signaler" so much is that all they do is virtue signal. They pay lip service to patriotism and faith to cloak their actual despicable selves. Knowing that all they do is virtue signal by wearing a cross, saying a prayer, and hanging an American flag in front of their house, they suspect that anybody who actually fucking cares about others and shows any signs of compassion must be doing it, like them, for show. We all know they don't understand comprehension of language so forget thinking they can ever rationally deconstruct anything correctly. It's why they're constantly telling on themselves by accusing others of doing what they do. It's probably because they don't read many books (and by "books", I don't mean self-help shit or get rich quick fuckery or The Bible (although The Bible is well worth the read, especially if you want to understand 95% of all Western Civilization literature (and that's the only reason to read it, really))).

Action Chaplain calls Last Call and Teuton aside to let them know that he's always available to talk about, well, you know.

Since he's so fucking touchy about it, he really should think about changing the name to No Homo.

It turns out it wasn't just Washington, DC, that got hit with the Poverty Ray. Every place else in the world was also hit. But only the top 1% of earners have been turned into poor refugees. New Authority steals food and supplies from humanitarian efforts in starving nations to redirect them to the now starving and poor rich folks. The problem with The Authority was that they wanted to make the world a better place for everybody. New Authority has fixed that and they're ready to make the world a better place for the people who already have everything better. Which, if you're able to comprehend anything at all, means making the world a worse place for those who already have it worse.

Sound familiar, you fucking Trump voting morons? Oh no! Did I call you a moron? I must be an elite! And now I've forced you to dig in and be an even worse person than you already were because I pointed out how terrible and dumb you already are! Although, why do you care if people can't stand you for trying to make the world worse for so Others? Why do you need to be liked by the people you despise? What's wrong with your mental health, my friend? If you want to be liked, there's a really fucking easy way to get that. Don't be an asshole. It's really pretty easy! Hey, I wrote a poem about it! Maybe you can benefit from my amazing poetry!

—————

Clubs
By Grunion Guy

I joined a club called "Fuck You, White Power Bitches"
It was a pretty easy club to join
It didn't cost me anything and I don't have to pay any yearly dues
Sometimes I have to speak up
So that, you know, white power bitches know I think they should go fuck themselves
But that's not too hard
It's even fun most of the time

The interesting thing about this club is that it accepts members from all sorts of other clubs
You can be both a member of the "Republican Club" and "Fuck You, White Power Bitches," if you want
I only mention that because it doesn't seem a lot of people in the "Republican Club" realize it
They seem to have a problem with the uncivil "Fuck You" part of the club title
When they should have a problem with the "White Power" people the club wants to go fuck themselves

I'm also well aware that some people have a problem with the "Bitches" part of the club title
But I'm part of the club "I Like Saying Bitches So I Refuse To Stop Saying It"
Even though it would cost me practically nothing to stop saying the word "bitches"
It's like how in high school in the 80s, I used to use "faggot" as a swear word
(Probably influenced greatly by Mark Knopfler's use of the word by his blue collar, computer animated characters singing "Money For Nothing")
Until one day, I finally realized how fucked up that was and, whether I meant it or not,
I was making the world a worse place by using that word when I could easily just be saying "shit"
Even members of "I Like Saying Bitches So I Refuse To Stop Saying It" are allowed to be a part of "Fuck You, White Power Dickheads"

You know what?
I just decided to stop saying "bitches" because I thought about it for like half a second and realized it still costs me nothing to try and be a better person to my fellow human beings
When you think about it, it actually costs less to stop saying "bitches" than to have to say, "I'm using it in a non-derogatory fashion because language is fluid and shouldn't be a person-sized saddle we've strapped to our own backs but a tool we can rationally and systematically change over time" every single time that somebody within earshot hears it and looks at you horrified
It's much easier to not say it than to get into a debate about free speech with everybody you offend after using it
And pretty soon, you just stop using it which lowers the amount of systemic bias towards women by a small but not inconsequential amount

It's like every time you refer to a large black man as intimidating
You're increasing the systemic bias toward the belief that large black men are dangerous
You're actively making the world a more dangerous place for large black men
No matter how many people you assure that you were just making a dumb joke

You know what's even easier than not saying a hurtful word or continuing a harmful stereotype?
Decrying white power
It's actually much more work to have to explain why you won't extricate yourself from ties to white power every time you wind up publicly embracing some tenet of white power

I suppose I can understand how much you love trolling the Libtards with your 4Chan nonsense
It can be hard to give up things that make you laugh, like making up white power signs and then flashing them constantly
Afterward, you get to laugh at all the libs you owned by making them think you're a white supremacist
Because you acted like a white supremacist in public
Which is so funny because did they think you were serious? How dumb are they?!
Acting like a white supremacist and causing oppressed and under-represented people to feel intimidated by your actions isn't actual white supremacy!
I mean, it's the definition of it, I suppose
But if you think about it at all for any length of time, it was a joke!
Stop being so hurt by casual, jokey racism, you free speech haters
Is probably what you're typing right now on your Reddit board and your Twitter feed

Anyway, I have to get to my "Fuck You, White Power Dickheads" club meeting now
It's not a scheduled meeting, really
It's just me going outside my front door
And making the world a better place for everybody
Fuck you, white power dickheads.

—————

Um, anyway, Colonel is all, "Don't be too quick about figuring out how to return the 1% because they suck and if we're lucky, Seth was turned into a refugee as well." Actually he doesn't say the bit about Seth but he should probably be thinking it. Why not kill Seth now when he's been transformed so they don't have to worry about the G7 eventually sending Seth after them? They can run the fucking world themselves if they take out Seth!

It's about time somebody had the balls to say it!

Remember that old guy, Doctor Jacob Krigstein? He's the Jack Kirby insert but instead of creating comic book heroes, he creates actual heroes (who are comic book heroes to you and me so, well, let's not delve too deeply here. I don't want to have to battle some Derrida-esque Balrog). The Authority hired him so that he'd stop destroying the world but the reader never saw how The Authority utilized him. Whatever he was doing, it's interrupted by his realization that Marvel continues to hold the copyright on all of his characters and continue to use them for their own ends, raking in the money while doing so. Oh, did I say Marvel? I meant the United States of America. He's especially upset by their creation of the New Authority even though he had nothing to do with the original Authority. That was all Henry Bendix, wasn't it? Anyway, Doctor Krigstein is still creating because he's dreamed up seven new characters to kick the shit out of New Authority. I won't scan in the picture because it wouldn't be any use. When they're revealed, they're all in silhouette. One of them is smoking though so maybe a new Jenny Sparks? Two of them aren't fucking though so they may or may not be a new Apollo and a new Midnighter.

Have I mentioned that Teuton cries at the drop of a dead Southeastern Asian (and anything else that can be dropped, apparently)? Last Call can't stand it because he thinks the public will think a man who can show his emotions must be gay and that, by association, they'll think he's gay too. Last Call's really fucking insecure, isn't he? The two of them are in Beverly Hills helping feed the new poorly rich when a bunch of spaceships fly through a Door (a blue door and not a yellow door so not from The Carrier) and begin burning everything in sight. Teuton tears open the cockpit of one to see who's taking advantage of the reverse rich pandemic to attack Earth.

Why not Space Asians?

Oh boy. Looks like dumping the refugees into The Bleed's really coming back to bite New Authority in the ass. Last Call's going to be really uncomfortable about that description of their fucking around and finding out. Hmm, he might not like that description either. If I were Last Call, I would be taking publicity pictures of me licking Teuton's balls based on the amount of money they're being paid to do this gig. They haven't actually said how much it is but even if it's only thirty ground, get those balls in my mouth!

I'm starting to think maybe I just want some balls in my mouth.

Streets and The Surgeon have a brief discussion about the Vietnam War (being that Streets is American and The Surgeon is French) and it's some really good chatter because I know a lot of Americans that would be butthurt by this kind of talk.

Ha ha! Losers.

Growing up in the '70s and '80s, basically in the shadow of the Vietnam War, it was always weird to hear people constantly talk about how America had never lost a war, and how great America was at defending the world, and how little discussion of how imperialist the USA was and how they wielded their power for so many reasons beyond that of "the good of the world" that I couldn't help but be constantly confused. If America was so great and honorable and good, what's up with Vietnam? Why is everybody ignoring this thing that we did and this war that we lost and the terrible fucking atrocities our country gets up to? Was everybody just trying to memory hole it because it actively argued against the United States being the greatest country? The first time I realized there were people out there who weren't confused and who knew what the fuck was what the fuck, I was standing in line at Togo's on Lafayette and Benton in Santa Clara, California. I don't remember the exact book I was reading but it was Kurt Vonnegut. And he was discussing how America had lost the Vietnam War. There was then, as I remember it, a break in the text like this:

* * * * * * * * * * *

Losers.

* * * * * * * * * * *

God how I laughed! It was just such a stark and simply stated version of what everybody constantly seemed to be denying. It's not that people around me didn't mention Vietnam, or sometimes discuss it. My father had fought in Vietnam (although that didn't help me understand it being that he left when I was two and never really talked about it). There were documentaries about it. Obviously while it happened (I was not alive for most of it and a baby when America fled Saigon), it was criticized and protested against and all-around a really fucking bad look for the country. But it seemed as the dust settled, the people who never really thought of it as a bad thing anyway took the stage, swept all the unpleasantness under the rug, and went back to normal "America is the greatest country" bullshit that the weirdest, most uncritical, and worst people of every generation (so, you know, Reaganites) want to be the narrative. Reading Vonnegut just outright take a moment to call the United States of America losers was a saving moment for my sanity. There were people who didn't flee from reality. They spoke the truth of things in simple ways. I kept reading Vonnegut and he rarely disappointed. I've been re-reading him lately and, in the way people who tell the Truth during their time always manage to nail, everything he says remains true or gets even more true with time. He writes with a clarity of vision that makes it impossible for people who label themselves Conservative today to ever actually enjoy his writing. If I ever meet a Conservative who proclaims Kurt Vonnegut is their favorite writer, or Star Trek: The Next Generation is their favorite television show, I'll simply call them a liar and be done with them.

Back to the comic book, Machine realizes the ships attacking Earth are from the area of The Bleed where they dropped off the refugees (a place called "Re-Space". I've just been calling it The Bleed in a general sense because "Re-Space" was fucking stupid and a total throw away "Look at the weird space The Carrier is currently flying!" line.

The Authority #24 Rating: B. It took these idiots long enough to realize that they caused all this. First everybody turns into Southeast Asian refugees and they go, "What caused this?" Then they realize it's the top 1% who have turned into refugees and they're all, "This will help us hide that thing we did to the refugees until we can figure out a good lie to cover our idiocy!" And then Earth is attacked by Southeast Asians in battle ships and they're all, "Weird. Space Asians!" But finally Machine is all, "Oh, those ships are from the same place we dumped the bodies. What a coincidence!" But then Colonel is all, "Oh shit." Seth gonna turn them into Fuck Doll Dessert.

The Authority #23 (August 2001)

New boobs. Who dis?

This issue has a cover date of August 2001 and is written by Tom Peyer. The last issue had a cover date of March 2001 and was written by Mark Millar. This is the first of a four issue story entitled "Transfer of Power." Millar's was the first of a four issue story titled "Brave New World." I don't know what happened between March and August of 2001 but it doesn't feel like this was entirely planned. I surmised that Millar's story, "Brave New World," was going to be delayed while this story, "Transfer of Power," gets told in a way reminiscent of The Book of A Thousand Nights and a Night but I didn't expect a four month delay between the stories. Was Millar suddenly not available for seven or eight months and couldn't finish his story so Tom Peyer had to step in to write a little tale about the new Authority? How long is the sentence for decapitating somebody in a bar brawl?

I have a vague, nagging memory of this delay in the series and my own confusion about the story arcs. I don't read comic books month to month anymore because I'm 53 years old and my brain can't be bothered to remember the details of a story that's told 20 pages at a time in 30 day increments. Hell, I had trouble back when I was 30 and reading this! It's basically why I stopped reading comic books the first time (before I restarted by reading every issue of The New 52 for this blog (which was started so that I could refresh my memory by reading my synopsis of the previous issue the month before)). Imagine reading the first issue of a four part story and then four months later, a new issue of the comic book comes out but it doesn't continue the story you had forgotten you'd been reading. And to top it all off, you've suddenly got a new Authority! The only reason I'd say I wasn't totally confused is that I was a thirty year old white super-duper heterosexual man (super-duper meaning my penis was constantly hungover from pussy sex) and I had just read the first appearance of the Hillbilly Assassin, the most shocking character to ever be written as a character expected to shock people, and I was certainly jonesing to read more about him. Then this shit came out and it didn't have the most homophobic, incestuous, rapey, inbred, racist, misogynist character to ever be written since Aquaman? You better believe I was all, "Dude! Dude? DUDE!"

From Page One, you can tell Millar's not writing this. And not just because the credits say written by Tom Peyer!

After Warren Ellis and Mark Millar wrote the crap on a stick out of this book, you'd never expect to read characters saying, "Crap on a stick." That's like a baby version of Ellis and Millar! Ellis would probably have had these characters saying, "Cigarettes! In a well-satisfied vagina!" And Millar would have been all, "Bloody diarrhea! In a dead whore's cunt!" Crap on a stick?! Who allowed these candy-ass virgins to be the new Authority?! This is fucking disgusting! I hope the Hillbilly Assassin gets them next!

What New Apollo and New Doctor are crapping on a stick about is a room on The Carrier full of dead and injured Southeast Asian refugees that everybody forgot about after The Carrier crashed. Too bad they found this room before the orgy room full of dead and injured hot naked people.

Man. Imagine crashing to your death with your penis inside a warm vagina or butthole? Hell, imagine your penis inside a warm vagina or butthole without the crashing part? Some people are so lucky.

One of the refugees startles New Midnighter.

I know Millar didn't write this but I can't stop the Decapitation Count while decapitations are still happening! Decapitation Count: 12!

Does screaming "Last Call!" when you punch a guy in the neck so hard his head pops off make sense? Would anything you could yell at that moment make any sense? "YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO HOME BUT YOU CAN'T STAY HERE!"

The most useless member of New Authority is named Rush. I'm not sure why the G7 nations who created the New Authority to do their economic bidding would recreate Swift. She's so useless! Maybe they only did it because Swift was a nymphomaniac who loves fucking teenage boys who can't satisfy her. But the old men running the G7 probably designed Rush to love fucking old men who ejaculate gray powder so slowly you'd think the limpest, most deformed bean bag had sprung a small leak. She is really cute and her first words in this comic are about how she loves flying The Carrier so much that she could cream. That makes me think dirty thoughts even if it also makes me thinking of Grease and now I want to fuck a Maraschino cherry for some reason.

I solved the mystery of why she's so adorable and sexy at the same time: the overalls!

I love a woman in overalls! Especially when they aren't wearing a shirt underneath and you get to see loads of side boob and cleavage! I failed Biology in college because a girl used to sit next to me who loved to wear overalls. I think that's a true story. At the very least, it's a true excuse.

New Jenny Sparks is some neo-Nazi British punk. Pretty sure he got the job because he's got the accent and loves to smoke and says "arse" instead of "ass". He also probably puts his ending punctuation outside of the quotes like I do even though I'm not British. I'm just logical. Although I think the Union Jack leather jacket is a bit over-the-top. His name is Colonel. Possibly Colonel Noun but the "noun" hasn't been mentioned yet.

New Apollo's name is Teuton which disturbs me for Hitlerian reasons. But never mind why he's called that because look at how adorable and hot Rush is being now!

This is just before Colonel throws melted metal into her eyeball.

Don't worry! Rush's eye is fine! She has super powers, remember?

New Doctor calls himself Surgeon; New Jack Hawksmoor calls himself Street; New Engineer calls herself Machine. They're the least imaginative people to have this job since the last batch who were killed by a rancid hillbilly. That doesn't mean the last group were unimaginative! It just means they're the only other Authority I can compare the imaginations of this Authority with and this Authority's imagination is so, so much worse. Remember, the previous Authority had members called "The Engineer" and "The Doctor". Pretty sad.

Oh shit. New Midnighter's name is Last Call. So he just screams out his own name when he kills people, like a homicidal Pokemon?

The New Authority dump the refugees (dead and living) into The Bleed because they don't want to have to do any paperwork or discuss problems with the G7 leaders. Also it's an easy way to establish that they're assholes who don't actually care about helping people. They're simply being paid to do whatever the leaders of the seven wealthiest nations tell them to do.

Whoops!

Meanwhile in Washington, DC, a meeting of the President and all the G7 leaders is interrupted by a reality warping explosion that turns them all into refugees themselves. Coincidence or does this have to do with the area of The Bleed the refugees were dumped in, a dimension called "Respace"? Who cares? I hope Rush wears even less clothing next issue!

The Authority #23 Rating: B. Not a lot happened and it's weird to start a new story in the middle of Millar's other story. But I love Elseworlds stories and this has the same kind of vibe (vibe used as it has always been used and not how the new kids use it!). My tummy feels funny when I read this because it can't handle not giving a shit about Swift and now being totally enamored by Rush. What is this strange feeling I haven't felt since that time that girl with the big boobs threw herself across my back and just leaned on me at the ice rink when I was like fourteen?

Futures End: Batman and Robin #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea! But other radio broadcasts continue to pierce the dust. One of these is "Deep Thought," The Deep Stacks continuous cataloging of any text they can find. The broadcasts are archived in block of various length, depending on how much each Archivist is willing to read before ending his or her block to let the next Archivist on air.

Welcome to Deep Thought, Block Twelve Thousand, Twenty-Eight. I am Archivist Kesey. I've got something here that I wanted to read to everybody, and I wanted them to think on it, and to try to figure out what it means to them and their own life. But don't get all pretentious and intellectual about it. Just let the story settle inside, lay down its blanket, stretch out, relax, and make itself at home. It's a tough world out there and sometimes you just need to take a moment and get away from your own thoughts. Vacate your head, let someone else in, and just enjoy the ride. These days, it seems like the only way to escape the hardships, right?

This text is Futures End: Batman and Robin #1. It's published by, oh, I don't know, DC Comics, I think? Some of these Archivists out here are sticklers for details but what's the point? We've got the book right here! My reading of it won't matter to history. But it does matter now, to those people listening, looking for a little time out. So sit back, shut your eyes, and open your minds. Let's ride this thing for awhile, shall we?

Batman has a new Robin. One he can trust to get the crime fighting business done but he feels distant enough from so as not to burden the new Robin with his many, many issues.

Robin, of course, feels neglected and left out of the loop. But Batman certainly doesn't want him in his vengeance loop, or his mourning loop, or his obsessive compulsive loop. Batman just needs somebody that can say, "Hey, man. I get it. Gotham has some bad people, ya know? I can take care of those bad people without any supervision. I got this." Batman does not need somebody to say, "Hey, Batman! Do you approve of the job I just did? How about laying down a warm fuzzy or two on this here guy working the work for you? Maybe a pat on the back? A little praise? A compliment or two? Um, Batman? Batman? Am I doing a good job? Love me, Batman! Love me!" This new Robin seems like he's the first type but he also seems like he needs a bit more information from Alfred or Batman or some cat somewhere! We all got a few issues with the self-esteem sometimes, and a little transparency and clarity really help to chill it out.

Batman is currently on a bad trip chasing down a guy dressed up like the dude who killed Damian, The Heretic. That probably won't end well since The Heretic was a messed up clone of Damian and this one's probably a clone as well. And if he isn't as messed up as the last one, Batman might think Damian's come back to him.

Batman and The Heretic fight for a few pages while Alfred continues to get more and more worried about Batman's health. Apparently he's been so hard on his body that five years in the future, he's in worse physical condition than Alfred who must be thirty years older than he is, if not forty.

Alfred is always the first to crack. Didn't Damian's death teach him anything about being too soft? Bah, Alfred can't be anything except Alfred. It's why he's such a lovable character.

Robin saves Batman's life but in the process, The Heretic burns up. Batman takes a DNA sample to find out if it's a Damian clone but that question is never answered in this story. Instead, Batman realizes he's getting too old for this shit. He's let fear worm its way into his being, little by little by little over the years. Damian's death. Nightwing's near death. Lex Luthor discovering his identity. Bane breaking his back. Earth almost being destroyed by Apokolips. He hasn't realized how much it's eaten away at him and it all began when he lost the confidence in his sidekick's ability to keep himself safe. But this Robin is far less sidekick than the others, and, as Batman has lost a lot of speed, strength, and endurance over the years...this Robin is probably Batman's equal if not...no, no. That's not a thought that needs to be voiced, now is it? Batman's a tough bastard and he'll always figure out a way, even if he needs to lean on, and learn to trust, new people in his life.

Hey, that was a short one, wasn't it? I wonder if I got anything else to read lying around here? Let's see...a list of chemicals I need for my cooking later. Can't read that out or I'll go out of business, right? Ha! Oh wait! Here! Here's a poem I was working on earlier when I felt connected to this present in a way I don't normally feel. Ahem. I call it "Sin Chrono City."

When Jesus Christ was crucified,
Kennedy was shot,
While Robespierre killed thousands,
Hitler did the same,
During a trial of ideas
Which left a great Greek dead
And caused a sudden rush toward space.

When Jesus Christ was crucified,
Prohibition cause a war
Between Europeans and the Indians
As a man named Jack killed London whores,
Lincoln sat and watched a play
Of a culture lost across a sea
And enslaved through countless years.

When Jesus Christ was crucified,
A universe was formed
And dinosaurs roamed through the space
Between atoms and seconds and stars,
Between cities which rose to cover the globe
While a flood cleansed this world's sins
In a garden of once perfect bliss.

Jesus Christ was crucified
The moment he was born.

I don't know. I was feeling a bit cosmic for a second. It's nothing much but a few scant phrases jammed together in a fairly repetitive pattern. But if I don't document the things I've written, who will? Archivist Shakespeare? Archivist Melville? Maybe Archivist King might. He's pretty keen on popular writings. And by popular, I don't mean thought of as cool! I mean that other definition that has to do with the masses or something. Bah, you know what I mean. I'd read the definition but I'm pretty sure it's already cross referenced in Block Blah Blah Blah.

Anyway, I'll leave you for Archivist Austen after one more poem, since I've now got Jesus Christ on my mind. I called this one "Being There."

As the cross was set upon the ground and ready to be raised to stand up high, I thought of the coming vengeance.
As they led the "Messiah" to his proving grounds, I laughed at and scorned his hated name.
As they threw his thin body upon the ground, I was the first to kick him.
And they tore off his clothes and they spit on his face and they laid him upon his wooden tomb.

And the crowd roared for a miracle, but the heavens would not open up.

As they bound his wrists upon the posts, I felt my own wrists burn.
As they tied his ankles around the base, I felt that I might fall.
As they put the crown of jagged thorns upon his human brow, I felt the sting of angry barbs encircling my own.
And they pounded the nails down into his palms and they raised the cross to stand up high, and one of them ran him through with his spear.

And the crowd roared for a miracle, but the heavens would not open up.

As the blood flowed down his wrists, I thought of every man whom I'd fought.
As the blood ran down his gasping chest, I thought of all my words against God.
As the blood ran down below his waist, I thought of every partner I'd had.
And he called to the Lord; and the guards, they all laughed; and a few of the women, they cried.

And the crowd began to walk away for the heavens would not open up.

All grew quiet as he sighed his last breaths, and I suddenly knew I was wrong.
So I cried to the lord that I should be forgiven, but I knew he ignored every word.
And I walked away to live my life so that Jesus Christ might die.

Bah, it's silly. But I suppose we should all get the chance to document the things that come out of our head, right? I guess I'm kind of lucky to have an audience. I think. Are you out there? Ha ha! Okay, Archivist Austen is looking forlorn and melancholy, so I think you're in for a good nostalgic cry in the next few hours. Take care. I mean, this ends Block Twelve Thousand, Twenty-Eight! Break out, people! Good night!

Batman Eternal #23

This issue: Catwoman steals an albino lion cub a snow leopard that poops jewels!

I have a habit of writing things that turn people away simply by their style or presentation. So people see Dwarf Lover and think, "Fucking lousy non-artist sprite comic bullshit." Even though it isn't a sprite comic at all; it's fucking collage, you morons. And then there's That Cavortin' Bastard where I have some essays I'm particularly proud of but they're presented in a heavy slang that leads a lot of morons to say, "I couldn't get past the language." And of course, let's not forget Future Retard which presents a "baby" from the future having conversations with a masturbating metal head who becomes the love interest of a gay Stephen Hawkings. Now, I can't take sole credit for that (or That Cavortin' Bastard whom I didn't create but my essays in his voice are solely my essays whereas Future Retard was a collaborative creation and co-writing effort with my friend Upright) but I still think it's an intelligently speculative look at where we're headed due to most people using the internet's knowledge as a crutch, thereby never expanding their own knowledge base independent of outside sources. And then there was Crazy Asian Drinks which everybody just decided was racist before even reading it. Maybe it was. I don't know! It wasn't meant to be! And now I'm writing a short story about one of my favorite new characters, Goggles, and it's presented in yet another language that probably turns most people off. Instead of calling myself a person who stubbornly refuses to present easily digestible material, I'm going to go with "a person who has artistic integrity." Fuck, I'm still surprised anybody reads these daily stupid fucking commentaries as it is.

Anyway, all that is to say, for those not interested at all in my Futures End stuff, fuck you. I mean, don't worry! I meant to say "don't worry" and not "fuck you!" That was one of those slips that don't actually mean anything because nobody believes anything Freud said anyway anymore, right? So, um, "Don't worry!" You'll still be getting my stupid voice commentaries with the weekly Futures End, the weekly Batman Eternal, and any other DC Comics that were mistakenly scheduled during Super Fabulous Futures End Extravaganza Month! Like Superman Unchained #Isn't-This-Over-Yet? That wasn't a stupid fucking hashtag, by the way. That was a number sign. As in "Number Isn't-This-Over-Yet?" God, I hate having to explain myself! And yet it seems that's all I fucking ever do! Hey world? Smarten the fuck up!

I think I might be in a bitter ranty mood today! That's good news for readers! That's bad news for Tim Seeley who scripted this issue! Oh, Timmy my man! Grit your teeth and spread them fuckin' cheeks cause I'm going in raw!

Wait a second. I'm assuming Catwoman means his pirate skin since he's the pirate that loves wearing endangered animals as clothing. But how can he make the dead pirate skin jacket if he's the dead pirate? I think Selina needs to work on her one-liners.

Meanwhile, Batman continues to beat The Architect with discarded rebar.

See? It was okay to make a buttsecks joke about me and Tim Seeley because Tim Seeley makes them himself. I mean, I only made the buttsecks joke because Tim Seeley makes them and I thought he deserved some of his own suppositories. See how I said suppositories instead of medicine because suppositories are butt medicine! Dammit! I'm explaining again! Why am I writing to the idiots?! I'm going to simply pretend everybody understands every single thing I say even though I know that isn't true since I often don't understand what the fuck I was saying when I reread my own crap.

That kid happens to be Jade, the kid that Killer Croc and The Batman saved from the Ten-Eyed Man.

Jesus Christ, DC Comics. The Ten-Eyed Man? Who's responsible for that creation? Come on, just tell me! Let's see...Frank Robbins? He's the same guy that created Jason Bard! Is that why he made an appearance? A little shout out to psychotronic freakout maestro Frank Robbins? I don't know if any of those adjective actually fit him but he does look like he's on acid in his Wikipedia picture and he did create The Ten-Eyed Man. So they probably fit him.

Jade takes Selina through the sewer system and into Blackgate prison where she gets to speak directly with Rex Calabrese. Who? you're probably asking even though you've been following along with Batman Eternal the whole time and have been saying "Who?" every time his name appears. He was a big crime boss that ran the city for years and, apparently, raised Selina Kyle from the age of nine until the age of whenever the fuck it was he abandoned her. Now he wants to mentor her as the new crime boss of Gotham City.

The Architect's Tesla Resonation Device sets off some serious seismic activity in Gotham. Are we going to have to go through the Reboot No Man's Land now? Fuck.

Hush spouts more Aristotelian bullshit which makes him feel better that his plans to bring down Wayne's Beacon Tower failed. I don't think his Aristotle quotes ever really match the situation until after he says them. Being psychotic, they probably just pop into his head at random and then he deals with the situation according to the quote that popped into his head. It's a more pretentious version of Harvey Dent's coin toss.

Selina refuses Rex's offer but, as we've seen in the sneak episode that interrupted Batman's Zero Year, Selina will eventually change her mind. Until then, Jason Bard's next move in his long con is to get Mayor Hady to declare martial law. I think maybe it's just finally time to hang an "Out of Order" sign on Gotham City and leave it to the rats.

Batman Eternal #23 Rating: No change. A lot hast been happening in this comic book and I think it's all being handled nicely. This is the first weekly comic book I've ever read (I was on the Long Hiatus during 52, and I was rarely reading Batman and Superman back in the days when they might have a huge crossover where a chapter of the story came out each week but in a different title) and I appreciate how much more can be done in a series like this where you don't have to wait a full month between chapters. On a monthly book, you can only concentrate on one main story with a few subplots that will eventually take over as the main story. Too much and you'll lose the reader's focus. But on a weekly, you can build up a fucking shit-ton of "main plots" and, with a steady and consistent pacing and rotation, you get a really full story that is just coming off the hinges. Outstanding work by the entire creative team working on this series so far. I'm really enjoying it.

Batman Eternal #17

Is this the real cover or a 75th Anniversary of Batman cover?!

This issue begins three years ago because last issue ended with a resounding "Who the fuck is Deacon Blackfire?" from the readers. Well, this comic book is here to tell you who Deacon Blackfire is! Or who he was three years ago before he was sent to hell!

You know how religious figures always have to correct you when you call them by the wrong name? "Please, you don't have to call me Father. I'm not Catholic, you know." No, I didn't know that! I don't know anything about your five billion different Christian denominations with their quadzillion rules that nobody can remember. Hell, most Catholic priests can't even remember the rule about not diddling kids and I'm fairly certain that's like the second or third main rule! I think it goes "Don't have sex with women" and then "Hey, smarty pants. Don't have sex with kids either!" Those are like rules one and two because guys and their penises have a really special relationship. The guy tries to go about his life and the penis constantly interferes with every fucking thing he does all day long.

Penis: "Hey! Hey! Forget going to the bank! Did you see that woman bending over in the light summer dress? Come on! I know you saw that! Let's go see if she'll be amenable to fucking!"
Guy: "Calm down. I don't even know her! I've got better shit to do than act like a fucking creep when she's just trying to go about her day."
Penis: "Naw! She'd be into it! Just show me to her. She won't be able to resist!"
Guy: "You're crazy! And would you knock it off! I'm wearing boxers and slacks! People are going to notice you!"
Penis: "Oh yeah they will! And I'm only half-cocked! Get it? I'm huge! And punny!"
Guy: *Goes into nearest public restroom to masturbate so that his penis will leave him alone for three or four hours*

That's a pretty accurate portrayal of the daily life of every man, ladies! Don't believe any man that says it's not. That's just their penis lying to you! Any time you're in public, you're never further than thirty feet from at least one guy masturbating. It's a fact! They're fucking disgusting!

What the hell was I talking about? Who typed all that stuff? Why is their semen all over my keyboard?! PEEEEEEEENNNNIIIIIIIS!

That should probably be a sitcom. "I Love Penis!" I'd watch it.

How are all those people clapping without their left arms?!

Deacon Blackfire's soul has transmigrated into the body of Maxie Zeus through some kind of ritual shenanigans performed by The Joker's Daughter. Arkham has just become one great big mystic mess and The Spectre still continues to avoid entering the body of Jim Corrigan. I don't blame The Spectre at all. Jim is palling around with Batwing and what DC Character in their right mind wants to appear in a Batwing comic book? Perhaps when he learns this is a Batman weekly, he'll jump right into Corrigan and save the day.

I hate being so critical of Batwing since it's the only DC comic book left with a black lead (I suppose Green Lantern Corps could make an argument for having a black lead as well. But I can't consider John Stewart a solid lead on that book when DC wanted to kill him off in it!), but it's just been so boring and depressing lately! The last issue was actually pretty good! But that always seems to happen with cancelled titles. Too little too late.

Also, have we gone from referring to African Americans as "black" to "urban"? I didn't get the memo but it seems like that's becoming a fairly popular term. Does that mean I should begin referring to myself as "half-suburban, half-barrio"? Are haughty liberals going to start saying things like, "I don't see neighborhoods"?

Meanwhile in Tokyo, two of my favorite new characters are becoming fast friends!

Where is Harper going to post that picture? Is this her "Super Hero" phone with all of her secret super hero identity social media accounts? I suppose it doesn't matter since Red Robin insists on shouting her real name every few minutes.

Harper shocks the monkey and now I can't get the song out of my head. She threatens to reprogram it if Doctor Alexandrov refuses to help them defeat the nanobots infecting the children of Gotham City.

He just said her name right in front of you, you idiot!

When was the last time Batman was actually in this comic book? Can I sue DC Comics for fraud?

Well, three years ago, he makes an appearance in this comic book! I think I still have a case seeing as how Batman is only appearing in a flashback where he's being held captive by Deacon Blackfire. He's been chained in the Deacon's basement for seven days and seven nights consuming only the drugged wafers and partaking of only the drugged water. Deacon Blackfire also has other people he's plucked from his flock who get to be chained and ministrated upon, hallelujah!

I don't know what the ministrations are but I'm sure they're kinky!

Oh Deacon! You're so close to figuring it out! If only you'd unmasked him, you'd realize that his plan isn't to save everybody! His plan is to make a shitload of money by gentrifying, gentrifying, gentrifying!

Batman does that thing he does where he defeats the bad guy. You know that thing? The thing he always does even when the odds seem stacked against him! He even has a momentary throwback to his first story when a man died right in front him by falling into a vat of acid and he just kind of shrugged his shoulders. This time, Deacon Blackfire gets beaten to death by his "followers" while Batman stands there saying, "I'd help out but I've got these chains!" Then he holds up his chained together hands, frowns slightly, and sits down to watch the spectacle while smoking his pipe.

Actually, I don't know if Deacon Blackfire died at this moment or not. Probably not! I think standing by and watching someone get beaten to death is just over the line in Batman's Rules for Technically Not Killing People Although, Really, Come On!

Back in the present, Deacon Blackfire's followers all transform into Men-Bats and he sends them to recruit more followers.

Jesus Christ! More Men-Bats?! Haven't we had enough of them? I suppose these are less Men-Bats and more Vampire-Men-Bats. And by "recruiting more followers," they're actually going to go make more vampires. And meanwhile, The Spectre continues to refuse to materialize.

Batman Eternal #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I was skeptical about a weekly Batman comic book but color me credulous! Or something. I'm enjoying this series a lot more than Futures End which is the weekly I thought I would really like. Although I think I'll super really like Multiversity! Unless they screw it up in the same way they're screwing up Futures End by limiting the awesome and crazy shit they can do because they seem to like boring and slow moving bullshit as opposed to lots of death and destruction and sex with decapitated monkeys and anal fissures that become sentient and nuclear farts and Superman masturbating to defeat an invading alien fleet with his supersonic Kryptonian ejaculate! Now that's a comic book!

Batman Eternal #16

Batman has never looked gayer. Not that there's anything non-Biblically wrong with that!

I was trying to keep up my feud with Comicsverse but now Firefox doesn't even want to visit the site because "comicsverse.com uses an invalid security certificate." It looks like they've boobytrapped their evil lair! I'm not going to spy on them if it means I'm risking some kind of internet chlamydia! How am I supposed to listen to their mediocre comic book video reviews now?! You win this time, Comicsverse! Also, you should probably fix your fucking site, you dunderheads.

At the end of last week's episode, Jim Corrigan had been confronted by Mister Bygone in the maze of concrete halls beneath Arkham Asylum. Surprisingly, this week's episode picks up exactly where last week's left off!

Oh not this crap again! Hospital schmospital! Nobody cares about the recidivism rate of inmates at Arkham anymore! It's really just a rubbish bin for nogoodniks now!

Arkham Asylum has lately been troubled by scary spirits and bad mojo. They might need a Wiccan Exorcist Native American Shaman Leprechaun to bless this mess and sort it the fuck out. Even crazy people don't want to have to look at this Mister Bygone and his infected arterial system, especially just after lunch.

What do you suppose they serve for lunch at Arkham? Tater tots and fish sticks? Is that too conventional? I should probably think outside the box! I bet Arkham serves the death of dreams and the rape of hope! But only on Wednesdays. On Thursdays it's Sloppy Joe.

Upstairs in Arkham, away from the piles of left arms and the smell of one particular rotting face, Professor Pyg is being checked into his cell.

Whoops. Today's lunch must be pork chops and apple sauce.

Remember in elementary school, you'd get green sheets (or some color xeroxed thing) that were like little newspapers with not really important facts about things happening on campus? And they always published the school lunch menu for the upcoming week? Boy, that was depressing! Having to see before hand the awful bullshit they were going to try to force down your gullet each and every day. Some kids liked to read the menu so they could prepare themselves for the gastronomical tortures about to be inflicted upon them day after day. But not me! They weren't going to kill my spirit that easily! I allowed myself to dream of delicious foods that would be plated in front of me for twenty three hours of every day! Only during lunch hour would I let them win! They couldn't have the rest of me as easily as printing a daily menu forecasting horrendous evil!

Who am I kidding? I never ate school lunches! I always brought my own in my awesome cool Battlestar Galactica lunchbox! Which I still have!

I don't actually remember the Cylons being this happy? Did they often go on picnics with whatshisname and his cyber dog?

Before I owned this lunchbox, I used a Rescuers lunchbox. And before that, it was a Wonderful World of Disney lunchbox. After the Battlestar Galactica lunchbox, it was brown paper bags until high school when I gave up eating lunch in preference of sitting around staring at girls I had huge crushes on. Actually, beginning in tenth grade, my school lunch was usually one Mr. Goodbar and one game of Gunsmoke down at the bowling alley near the school. Nutritious!

Over in Tokyo, some bad shit goes down! But the good part about the bad shit is that it makes me love Harper Row a little bit!

It's like my heart just grew two sizes this day!

I was almost really crude and said my penis grew two sizes this day. But I didn't mean I loved Harper in that way! I meant I loved her for her sassy mouth! I felt the same kind of pride you feel when the sibling that you constantly argue with suddenly mouths off to some grown up being an asshole to them. It's like you helped train your sibling for that day with all the bickering and smarting off at each other!

Red Robin and Harper take care of the Tokyo Tentacles before they can find their way into some protesting orifices. I have to say, when I was in Tokyo, there were far less rapist tentacles than I thought there would be. There was, however, a hell of a lot more Pachinko than I'd ever dreamed! Anyway, Harper and Red Robin have survived the test and now they get to meet the man and the cybernetic monkey behind it all!

This monkey has only been in about six total panels in The New 52 so far but he's quickly demanding his own monthly comic book! At least in my eyes.

So back in Arkham, Jim Corrigan punches Mister Bygone and knocks him out which is a bit anti-climactic if Mister Bygone was the Byguy behind it all! I suppose he isn't because later Batwing escapes the clutches of The Joker's Daughter as she tells him she rules the place. I don't really believe her though. At the very least, she seems to be the High Priestess of the Cult of the Left Arm. She's also the keeper of the Maxie Zeus.

I particularly like her goat.se-esque decorating motif.

I'm assuming by the get-up and the name that this is Maxie Zeus even if it's a bit of a reinterpretation of him. At least from when I last read a story with him in it. He may have already been reinterpreted sometime in the last decade before The New 52.

Batwing defeats Maxie Zeus which is what he wasn't supposed to do because now Maxie is prepared to be vesselized by the Messiah! I don't know what that means. I don't know what any of this means! The Arkham Staff have all had their left arms cut off or have had their bodies turned into wraith housing. A doctor that Batwing stumbles upon says it's been this way for months now. Who is overseeing Arkham Asylum?! Shouldn't Batman check in every other day to make sure things are running smoothly? I think after Batwing and The Spectre finish their investigation, Arkham needs to be shut down for good. Board the place up and throw away the hammer! Burn it down! Cover it in an impenetrable plexiglass dome and fill it with concrete! It's a curse on Gotham!

Or better yet! Somebody should go back in time and kill Amadeus Arkham before he gets the stupid idea to "help" crazy assholes! Except maybe that's what happened! Maybe the time traveler tasked with the assassination arrived back in time confused, disoriented, and a little bit insane. That's why he winds up killing Amadeus's mother which gives Amadeus the idea to start the Asylum with the time traveler as his first patient! Don't you dare fucking steal my story idea, DC Comics and Grant Morrison!

Batwing runs into Jim Corrigan again and he almost reveals who is behind it all. Except he's interrupted by the person that's behind it all: the freshly returned from Hell soul of Deacon Blackfire! Oh. Hey! All this time I've been wondering who has been behind this crazy shit at Arkham and Snyder and Tynion had already told me in like Issue #1. I should probably pay better attention to what I'm reading instead of letting my mind wander as I think about Batman going down on Commissioner Gordon, or imagining what Warden Agatha Zorbatos does in her office with the door locked and her pants around her ankles.

I actually don't know anything about this Deacon Blackfire. Is he new? Was he created during The Long Hiatus when I wasn't reading comic books? Or was he invented by Alan Grant during his Shadow of the Bat run? I think those are the only possibilities.

Batman Eternal #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I should really make these end statements worth reading so I can post them as stand alone mini-reviews for people with short attention spans and the inability to enjoy anything worth taking the time to enjoy. Maybe pepper them with curse words to really draw the attention of the filthy, ignorant masses. Then I can finish up with a truly insightful comment about the story which will prove to everybody that I deserve the title of Master Comic Book Reader! I should do all of that stuff but I probably won't because it's more work than just closing my review with some stupid statement about how odd it is that the candy Sixlets only has five colors.

Batman Eternal #15

The center bar of my comic slot machine seems to have just missed the jackpot. Dang it.

Previously in Batman Eternal, nobody has mentioned why the comic book is named Batman Eternal. Now on with the story....

Batwing and The Spectre are making their way into Arkham Asylum. The Spectre is probably pouting because he's supposedly God's Wrath but he's been fairly useless since Jesus came around and pointed out that love was better. Unless he just pointed out that love and hate don't matter at all since everybody should only be concerned with the afterlife. I think that was his main message. Why wasn't the New Testament just a few sentences: "Do whatever you want. Pretend you're remorseful. Repeat after me: I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Oh, and don't forget to tithe!"

Batwing is probably pouting because he's just plain useless.

Who said an Irishman can't know Italian? Batwing needs to go fishing with his grandfather.

My Italian is a little bit rusty but I'll try my best to translate it: "Yo! Guido! Your mother, she worka in dis crazy place? Alla da time? 'Ey!" Hmm, maybe I need to book a fishing trip with my grandfather as well.

I apparently also think that the period translates to a question mark from Italian to English.

Batwing and The Spectre find Arkham trashed, the convicts missing, and the guards killed or missing. That just means it's Wednesday.

As he flies into Tokyo, Red Robin finally lets Harper Row know that he knows that she's aboard the Drakeplane. He probably should think up a new name for his plane before it gives his secret identity away.

Is Tim hitting on Harper? I love the Stress Position! Although I couldn't last nine hours. I mean, of course I could! But who would want to?! I have things to do that don't involve doing it all of the time, constantly and well!

Once they land, Harper Row dons a mask and invites herself to be Red Robin's sidekick. But her mask is basically The Grifter's mask! What is wrong with her?! I thought she was smart! Is she a fan of Grifter? I'm so disappointed in Harper right now. Grifter is awful! Just in case anybody skips this paragraph because it's too long and they're just skimming for tales of my unbridled sexual unbridledness, I'll say that again in a new paragraph.

Grifter is awful!

Back in Arkham Asylum, Batwing's systems discover that the air is full of human spinal fluid. That's not good, right? That's how the next Silent Hill game can differentiate itself from the rest of the horror genre. Come with an adapter that fits into the nose and squirts a fine mist of various human bodily fluids into your nostrils as you play. The Spectre (who I should probably be calling Jim since he's pretending to be human right now. But when have I ever been clear and concise and honest?) notices a magic spell on the wall in The Riddler's old cell and an upside down waterfall of blood in The Scarecrow's cell. Batwing comes up with a good idea though! Call Batman!

Oh bull poop! Batman is never busy! He's capable of guest starring in every comic book, every month, if he wanted to. If he doesn't show up to help, he's got a reason. I think his reason this time is that he just doesn't like working with Luke Fox. Or he hates the Goddamned Irish. One of those.

I just experienced a moment of déjà vu when I typed "the Goddamned Irish." That's either cool because déjà vu is always an interesting experience or it's disturbing because I type "the Goddamned Irish" way too much!

Batwing and Jim discover The Scarecrow being used as a magic blood pylon while he mutters some Niggaz Wit Attitudes song. Something about dying in a fire while on venom or something. Maybe it's just magic words. Mostly it doesn't matter because it's at this moment that ghosts attack Jim and Luke, Jim points out he knows who's behind this all (but he doesn't say. They never say. It would take one second to say. Does he say? No. He doesn't), and then Jim tries his best not to become the Wrath of God for some reason. Probably for the same reason Jason Blood hates to become Etrigan. Because he winds up sitting around in Hell for unknown amounts of time. Although, Jim would get to sit around Heaven, right? Maybe he hates harp music and overly nice angels that just want to make him feel at home.

Sorry, Batwing. The Wrath of God works in mysterious ways.

Batwing winds up face to, um, face? with The Joker's Daughter while Jim Corrigan meets the man behind it all: Mister Bygone!

Wait. Who?

Later there's a scene where Batman finally accepts Jason Bard's handshake. I guess that means he accepts Batman's way of catching criminals which means no killing. Sure, you can beat them within inches of death and, sure, occasionally the doctors lose one of them to their injuries later at the hospital. But that's an acceptable loss and can be attributed to medical error. You never see Penny-One lose a patient.

And later still, Batgirl discovers that she's not only working with Red Hood (unwillingly!), but now she has to work with Batwoman as well! Although she was super excited to work with Batwoman way back in Batgirl Issue Number Older Issue. I guess she's over the excitement of meeting a hot celebrity.

Batman Eternal #15 Rating: No change. I sure wish the person behind all the magic under Arkham had been somebody I recognized! Although then I would have been disappointed and ranted about how the chump couldn't have pulled off everything the person was pulling off. I just can't be happy with anything! I do hope he makes Jim Corrigan suck his dick though. No wait! I don't hope that at all because that's mean! Although I'm hoping it about fictional characters that can't actually undergo the trauma of the horrible things that happen to them. So I've changed my mind! I hope Mister Bygone does pull out his cock and drag it across Jim's cheek. But only that! That's acceptable, right? If it isn't, pretend I didn't hope for that and continue to respect me and not feel disappointed in me at all, okay dad? I mean readers!

Secret Origins #2

Oh shit. Who allowed Scott Lobdell to tell Starfire's origin?!

It's that time of the month! Time for more Secret Origins that nobody really fucking needs to read! Okay, maybe some people would like to know more about these characters. I shouldn't assume that everybody else has been reading DC Comics for the last thirty years as well! So shall we just fucking get on with it then?

Batman
The first story is about Batman's origin! That's an easy one! I can do it with just a few words! Zorro. Mugging. Death. Pearls. Sadness. Bat. Justice!

It looks like DC is going to be a bit long-winded about it.

At least DC's story has pictures.

I don't know who the Narrator is. It's just some Gothamite telling the story of how not just Bruce Wayne was changed by the death of his parents, but the entirety of Gotham! From that tragedy, they learned that random chance could cut any of their threads at any time! And that apparently sent Gotham over the edge and into madness! How can one's mind comprehend the terrible tragedy of a chaotically random universe?! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Spoiler Alert: You never learn how to get there! You do learn how to attempt to stop the tide from coming in with your bare hands. But that other thing where nobody dies tragically in violent acts? Yeah, you never learn to stop that. Sorry!

Bruce travels the world to learn to stop random acts of violence and psychotic madmen. This one time, he trained under a monkey with cybernetic limbs. I wish this story was that story! But it isn't. Instead, this story is just a composite of panels inspired by back-up stories in previous Batman comic books. A panel which shows how Batman learned to fight to the death without any death and a panel where Batman learned how to solder from a silly monkey and a panel where Batman learned how to drive a stick shift. A page where The Red Hood teaches him an important lesson.

This is that lesson that we all eventually learn. It's the one about not being able to go home again. It's just that most of us don't get hit in the face with a mace when we learn it. Just me and Batman, apparently.

And so Bruce realizes what he's been doing wrong all along! He's been fighting without a ridiculous costume! That's the way to a world free from random violence! A man in a bat costume that carries away children that don't eat their vegetables! Well, actually, that part of the story from Martha can probably be changed a bit. Maybe carry away murderers or something. Anyway, the idea can be refined later! Right now, Alfred needs to get that fucking bat out of the house! It might be rabid! Eeeek!

Batman Origin Rating: No change. If there was anything new here, somebody else will have to explain it to me! I think the idea that he chose to be a bat not simply because a bat flew through the window but because his mother told him cautionary tales about them to get him to eat his vegetables, and because he once learned to shock his enemies. That might be the itty bitty twist that was put on the origin here.

Aquaman
Okay! I think I can do Aquaman's origin in just a few words as well! Woman. Grunion. Spanish Fly. Freak baby! No wait! That's my origin! I think Aquaman's has something to do with a man fucking a mermaid! That's nearly the same thing.

The best part of the origin takes place between the panels. You know! The part that takes place between the sheets!

The rest of the origin is really nothing new. It's already been covered in the pages of Aquaman except maybe with a bit less detail. Aquaman comes out the day of his high school graduation after which his dad dies, he kills Black Manta's father, and he ditches all of his friends. Then he meets some boring super heroes that he dubs "the Others" before ditching those friends to join the Justice League! Later, he ditches those assholes to become King of Atlantis and to stop all manner of monsters from eating anything at all. The end!

Aquaman Origin Rating: No change. This was pretty much a matter of fact retelling of the important bits of Aquaman's life up until this moment. The most important bit seems to be the part where Arthur's friend Danny basically set Aquaman on the path that would cause Aquaman to give up trawling with him. So why was he being such a whiny douche at the high school reunion about Art ditching him? Jerko!

Starfire
Starfire's origin is even easier to tell than the other two heroes! She was born an alien and thus has special powers that are natural to her alien race! There might also be some parts in there about slavery and not wanting to be a part of slavery (especially the slave part of slavery) or something. Probably a bit about how strong it made her and how it taught her to wear very little clothes.

That's the problem, Kori! You renounced your warrior ways publicly! That's basically like saying "Free slaves!" to the rest of the warrior races!

The Tamarans are invaded by The Citadel who are being controlled by the Dominators who have some kind of deal with Helspont. So, you know, whatever aliens Scott Lobdell could think up at the time he wrote this. And since he only writes while he's taking a shit, he didn't have a lot of time to think up any more aliens than this or else he would have thrown them omni in for super duper loads of excitement.

Just like it always happened, Blackfire is put on the throne as a puppet queen and Kori is sent into slavery to keep her in line and keep the people of Tamaran sad. Also Kori is kept sad too! Because of the slavery.

Some other stuff happens where she eventually gets sold into slavery aboard the S.S. Starfire. It's there that she fights back and leads the slaves to revolt and overthrows her slave masters! All in the skimpiest underwear any space princess has ever worn!

Starfire Origin Rating: No change. Once again, this story mostly covered old material without presenting any new or interesting themes. Relatively boring.

While the first Secret Origins showed some promise and made me think I was wrong to instantly despise this new series, this issue ruined all of that new found goodwill! It wasn't awful, so I'm not dropping its rank any. But it just didn't contain any sparks of insight or interesting themes. Batman's story was probably the most interesting. The other two just felt like rehashed hash. I know this series isn't really for me since I'm a Master Comic Book Reader and I've read everything published with "The New 52" stamped on the front, but I was still hoping for, at the very least, some new perspectives on the characters. So far, Greg Pak's take on Superman from his two mothers' points of view was the best new origin and the one everybody else should look to on how to make these origins fresh.