Green Lantern #8 (January 1991)

King of the little blue men with micro-penises!

Most people would simply assume that the green vapor coming off the Guardians' heads was due to being blasted by John's new laser eye power. But some of us know that the Mad Guardian just got done pissing on all of their heads. That might be the most immature reading of this cover but if you're reading anything on this blog, it's not a surprise immature reading.

I've never liked how a small group of people believe that they can make the rules for the rest of the populace so you might understand why I'm no longer talking about the Guardians and am going to shit on the Supreme Court for a bit. You cannot make homelessness a crime without understanding exactly what you're doing to poor and down on their luck people, especially in this age of skyrocketing rent and unaffordable housing. If you think your political beliefs are based on economics, low government spending, and thrifty living, and yet your answer to homelessness is to jail the homeless, you are either clueless or lying or both and maybe, on top of those things, also an asshole. Because it's far more expensive to jail somebody than to house somebody and give them a universal basic income. We all see that what you're really saying is you'd rather punish people who find themselves on the street at a far greater cost than helping them back on their feet for a lower cost. I get it! You don't want anybody else getting something for free when you feel like you're such a hardworking prick. But either way, jail or housing, taxes are going to pay for it. So if it you want the worst and most expensive choice, you have to admit that you're a selfish, vindictive piece of shit. Just like the majority of the judges on the Supreme Court. Fucking bastards.

The issue begins with Hal Jordan covered in, um, I'm going to guess, for a change of pace, sweat.

I hope the camera pulls further out on this shot to show the Mad Guardian's massive dong just slowly going flaccid.

I know I just wrote that the Mad Guardian was king of the micro-penises but people can hold more than one idea of reality within their minds at once. Unless they're conservative, of course. No wait! Even conservatives can do it like how they think libtards are the hugest pussies in the world and yet they all seemingly love to live in the most dangerous cities on Earth! So I guess I have to retract my statement meant to imply that conservatives are unimaginative dullards! Sorry!

Was I trying to create the subliminal synchronistic thought, "Trump is king of the micro-penises," with the above paragraph? No, I wasn't. Because my use of "micro-penis" wasn't meant as a slight towards people with micro-penises because I don't like punching people in the dick. It was just a reference to last issue's blog entry where I admitted that I imagined the Guardians of the Universe have tiny little blue nubs surrounded by a thick, stiff, gray thatch of hair. Besides, who cares what Trump's dick looks like? He's got the neediness of an unloved child with no self-esteem who longs for respect but the only way he can get it is with bald-faced lies, manipulation of everybody close to him, and abuse of power. If it weren't for sycophants and other unloved ambition-fueled egomaniacs constantly fluffing up his bullshit reputation so they can ride his tattered coattails, Trump would have nothing.

Guy Gardner and Hal Jordan have found themselves powerless as their rings were drained by the Mad Guardian subsuming all the power on the planet. They're about to be killed by angry aliens mind-controlled by the Mad Guardian. But this being a comic book, nothing can be writ in stone until the last second where the heroes always have one last chance to save the day. This last chance comes in the form of a bunch of Xudarians who have repelled the Mad Guardian's mind-control using the love and friendship offered to them by Hal Jordan.

This lesson is wasted on Guy Gardner.

Hal Jordan rushes into battle to save Tomar-Tu when his battle cycle is upended. He doesn't have any power in his ring but logic and careful consideration and planning have never been an aspect of Hal Jordan's character. He always gets by by acting first and throwing punches second and justifying his actions third and never, ever taking a moment to think about anything. A true American hero.

But this time, it almost fails. The ejaculating boulder alien doesn't fall for Hal's bluff and is about to smash Hal into Willpower Jelly when Rose and her human neighbors coming to the rescue with actual weapons.

Sure, Hal. A one woman cavalry. If you ignore the other guys with guns she rode in with. Asshole.

After Rose shows up, the aliens are no longer a threat. I guess between John, Hal, and Guy see-sawing some of them into tennis rackets (yes, yes, that's how they were fighting them) and the Xudarians blasting some of them with their battle cycles and Rose's gang shooting one in the penis until it ran off, all of the aliens have been defeated. Because now Hal can turn his attention to the real fight between the Mad Guardian and the twenty-two normal, everyday, sane Guardians. The Mad Guardian has decided to stop concentrating on making sure his mosaic of kidnapped cities have the proper gravity and atmosphere so he can pummel the other Guardians. But the other Guardians, being more horny for order than Zamaron pussy, take on the task of maintaining all of the alien civilizations. This leads them to get their asses beat by the Mad Guardian and Hal to proclaim, "These Guardians don't kick ass! They don't kick ass at all!"

Technically, Hal doesn't know anything about "a fight" either. He's an expert on "brawls."

Hal has a new plan: find John Stewart and get the Guardians to sabotage the atmospheres on all of the cities instead of sustaining him. The second half of that sentence is self-explanatory. But why find John Stewart?! That seems like a waste of time!

Oh, of course! If I had to make a guess as to why he was looking for John Stewart, I totally would have guessed his plan that John's mind is still linked to the Mad Guardian's so John will be able to sneak his consciousness backwards into the depths of the Mad Guardian's mind until he got a hold of his soul and then project an image of the Mad Guardian being totally alone. Only an idiot couldn't have guessed that was the plan! Bunch of dumbies reading this comic book who were probably surprised by such an obvious scheme!

Once the Mad Guardian becomes confused and scared by the image of loneliness, the other Guardians seize the planet's power and murder the insane bastard.

Batman would be severely disappointed.

Afterward, the Guardians hold a council with the Earth Green Lanterns. They have decided to return to work but not as the toxic masculine pieces of shit they used to be who sneered at any emotional argument believing that they were completely logical all the time. Instead, they'll bring the Zamarons to rule alongside them (once they're done having their babies, of course). Plus they'll keep John Stewart on Oa to help maintain the kidnapped cities instead of returning them. I'm sure there's a completely logical but not too toxic reason for this. One Green Lantern they'll send across the universe to recruit new members. And one Green Lantern will get the cushy Earth gig. But they haven't decided on the positions yet! Not even the John one but we all know he stars in Green Lantern: Mosaic so he's definitely getting stuck with the job on Oa.

The book ends with Hal Jordan finally finding himself or something. I guess he's no longer searching for holes because he's found the one whole he'd actually been searching for. Get it?! Was that profound?! Because it sort of felt corny. You'd tell me if it was corny and not super smart and profound, right? Maybe I should just lock comments on this post.

Green Lantern #8 Rating: B+. The Hal Jordan finds himself saga is over! And it only took eight issues! Hooray! I'm saying "Hooray!" because according to the cover of #9, it's Guy's turn to get a story! Man, I bet so many Hal Jordan fans were pissed back in '91 when they realized this comic book was going to be splitting time among all the Green Lanterns! Ha ha! Suck it, Jordan fans! It also makes sense that I don't really remember this comic book and that all of the issues I've read so far I obviously purchased as back issues, what with price stickers on them and little wall tags in the bag and comic book shop stamps on the backing boards. I bet I was checking out the new comic shelf at my local comic book store and saw the cover of Issue #9 with Guy Gardner and G'nort on it and was all, "Oh? This isn't just a shitty Hal Jordan resurgence title?! I'm in!" Then, as a person cursed with his mother's genes to complete all collections he comes across, I had to buy the rest of the series. I meant "comes across" as meaning "stumbled on" and not in "sprayed semen across my comic books."

Green Lantern #7 (December 1990)

My green anal rape shake brings all the old men to the yard.

If all of the DC trademarks were taken away from this cover, I'd easily confuse it for a '60s underground comic book about three guys who ran a crackingly popular old man enema business. It's the only explanation I have for the look on the Mad Guardian's face. People often give Kevin Maguire credit for his sublime mastery of facial expressions but look at Pat Broderick's marvelous work here! That isn't just a grimace of pain. There's something cathartic about what the Mad Guardian is going through, making his exclamation of "It's not over yet!" almost read as "I'm about to come!" Or is that just me? Please don't say that it's just me. I've spent so many years making casually vulgar comments about comic books in a whimsical and facetious way that it's hard to tell, when faced with a truly vulgar piece, if I'm seeing it as clearly as I think I am. It's also possible I've retained the old man fetish I had as a small boy and am projecting my own delusions onto the Mad Guardian's expression of pain and/or sexual gratification.

I don't mean that I had a "sexual" obsession with old men when I was a small boy so I probably shouldn't have used the word fetish. I was a small boy and, like all small boys (are you reading this Gerard Jones?), I wasn't interested in or knew anything about sex. But I knew I loved hanging out with old men! And all of my favorite movie stars were old men, like Art Carney and Scatman Crothers and George Burns (and they probably weren't all that old when I loved them. Maybe in their fifties or sixties? Ancient to a five to seven year old). My favorite person in the entire world after my grandfather was my 1st grade speech therapy teacher whose name I can't remember. I also had an elderly neighbor named John with whom I would go out for evening walks. This was the '70s so five year olds could say to their moms, "I'm going to go see if John wants to go for a walk," and then leave the house unescorted to go meet an old man two houses down the block.

Thinking about growing up in the '70s helps me to understand Dickens' whole "It was the best of times; it was the worst of times" thing.

Speaking of old men and dead authors, I should probably get to the comic book.

This is segregation.

Hal's plan was to be defeated by and captured by the Mad Guardian because he understands that he can't defeat even one lousy Guardian of the Universe. Somehow DC has imbued these little blue buggers with unimaginable power and they understand that fans will riot if Hal Jordan beats one in one-on-one combat. So instead of trying, Hal takes a shit in the Green Lantern Battery of Oa before allowing himself to be caught. This will ensure that the other Guardians of Oa will get Desecration Alerts on whatever part of their brains act as the Ring Doorbell Camera part of the human brain. I'd say his plan is flawed and the other Guardians aren't going to care if somebody shits in a broken down power battery when they're all getting their dicks sucked by Amazonian goddesses of Zamaron but I've already looked at the cover. It's crazy that any comic book fan would ever complain to anybody else about spoilers when comic book covers have been spoiling the stories inside for at least seven decades.

A single Xudarian helped Hal which means the Mad Guardian feels compelled to punish and kill hundreds of innocent Xudarian mothers and children.

At least I think these are mothers and children. Who can tell with fish-chicken people?

Maybe he's not killing them. It depends on if the projectile flinger on the top of the boulder creatures' heads is a penis or a weapon. At the very least, he's making a whole bunch of innocent Xudarians uncomfortable, sticky, and smelling of Linden trees.

The Mad Guardian sends the cum-flinging boulder beasts to destroy Rose and her child next. Obviously Hal's upset that they're going to die. After all, he's already been the cause of death of loads of people he knows. Not as many deaths as John Stewart. But probably more than Guy Gardner who acts tough but never actually ever kills anybody. Mostly because he's afraid Batman will find out and stare at him in anger and disappointment.

Having conquered Oa and all of the alien cities and their inhabitants, the Mad Guardian decides that his next move is to consume Hal, Guy, and John so he can absorb their will-power, anger, and hunger for redemption. Two of those attributes don't really seem all that helpful. But the Mad Guardian's heart wants what the Mad Guardian's heart wants.

A little Green Lantern vore for you weirdos.

People say not to kink shame but I disagree. I think all kinks should be full of shame. I think most things people do should be regarded as shameful. We need way more shame-based judgment in this country! Personally, I know my blog posts would be far shorter if I felt even the tiniest bit of shame. I've admitted far too much on this site. Far, far too much.

The Guardians of the Universe hate people shitting on their things far more than getting their dicks sucked so they return to Oa to punish the Power Battery Shitter (Hal Jordan!). But when they get there, they find an even more disturbing image: Appa Ali Apsa voring down on three Earth Green Lanterns. That's the Mad Guardians real name: Appa Ali Apsa. The only other Guardian name I know is Ganthet and, well, that's quite the range of names is all. If one end of the name spectrum is Appa Ali Apsa, and the other end of the name spectrum is Ganthet, there must be a Guardian named Bruce somewhere in the ranks. Bruce. Bruce the Guardian of the Universe.

See? Even the most intelligent and powerful beings in the universe are into kink shaming.

Why do all the Guardians look exactly alike? Is that racist? Or is there a canon explanation? Are they clones? Do Guardians breed by parthenogenesis? That would be a good explanation as to why the different genders on Maltus went separate ways if it weren't already canon that they went off to fuck each other to have more Guardian babies. Poor Zamarons. As I said earlier, I've been into old men for as long as I can remember and even I don't want to fuck a little blue bald old man. I suppose they could all have thick veiny monsters under their little skirts but I'm pretty sure we all imagine the most miniscule of tools surrounded by a small mound of bristly white fur. We have all imagined that, right?

From this day forward, I no longer go to take a shit. I go to beam a message.

Look at how annoyed Guy is that Hal's plan worked.

Kevin Maguire who?!

Now that the Guardians have arrived to fight the big battle, Hal rushes off to save Rose from a Bukkake boulder monster. Rose puts up a good fight with her shotgun but the beast probably just thinks she's ejaculating over and over again in its face. It probably thinks they've just had sex. Just before it blows its load and kills Rose in a rush of steaming hot death juice, Hal creates a Roc with his ring to save Rose.

But not her son. The kid saves himself.

What would have happened if Rose had been wearing a yellow jumpsuit? It's too horrible to complicate! If you think having sex with an alien with a penis on its head is horrible, that is. Some of you kinky freaks were probably all, "Wait Hal! I want to see the alien's yellowy orange money shot!"


You know what? I love you perverts so here's a little treat:

Don't say I never enabled your sweaty perversions.

The semen slinging rock aliens were recruited as the fascist boot stompers of the Mad Guardian's regime. Hal Jordan takes command of John and Guy to battle the monstrosities and save all of the other kidnapped cities on Oa. But Guy, being the guy who doesn't listen and just flies in to beat people up (which is usually Hal's job but Guy is just more Hal than Hal can ever be), nearly gets his ass kicked so Hal chastises him.

In a way, this is sort of sweet. At least somebody finally acknowledges Guy's brain damage!

The Guardians put the Mad Guardian on trial but he's hesitant to fall under their sway. He still has John under his though so he commands him to help save him. And somehow he does even though all the Green Lantern rings have lost power. Instead of using his ring to defeat twenty Guardians, John uses his eye lasers which I didn't know he had.

By the pained expression on John's face, I don't think he knew he had them either.

The Mad Guardian explains to Hal and Guy and all of the defeated Guardians how he beat them all: he has become the Green Lantern Power Battery and absorbed all the power on Oa. The other Guardians were working on only the reserve power they had left after all the sucking, fucking, and banging they've been doing off planet. They were just plain tuckered out and stood no chance. The Mad Guardian has won! And Hal and Guy are now impotent bystanders with powerless rings.

Green Lantern #7 Rating: A-. This was a satisfying issue. And it looks like it took about seven issues for me to appreciate Pat and Bruce's art. It still seems weird to see this kind of style in a mainstream DC comic book. But I'm paying better attention to it and I think that attention is paying off. Who could have known? The world works better when you're actively trying to engage with it! Why didn't somebody tell me this forty years ago?! Two other positive notes: first, I bought into the way the Mad Guardian defeats all of the other Guardians. That's a big step! I usually kick and scream and refuse to accept that some other writer's writing make sense. Second, Hal Jordan acknowledges Guy's brain damage! You don't see that too often. Sure, sure. He appended the word "thug" onto the descriptor "brain-damaged" as if Guy's thuggish personality wasn't solely a result of the brain damage but something else entirely. But it's still more than I'm used to seeing and I'm happy it was mentioned in the pages of Green Lantern!

Guy seems to have come to terms with his disability.

Green Lantern #6 (November 1990)

Oh so he's a god now?

I've never made it a secret that I don't like cops. I can't stand organized police forces. It's just government gang warfare and it's constantly getting worse. Cops don't serve and protect and it's arguable that they never have. Unless, as most people seem willing to do, you provide the object to the sentence. "Cops serve and protect the rich, white, and powerful." What I'm saying is that I've never really liked the Green Lantern Corps as an authoritarian space force. I did love it for the variety of aliens that went on hundreds of space adventures. But maybe the only thing I've ever really loved about Hal Jordan was his penchant for telling the Guardians of the Universe to shove their rules and regulations and orders straight up their little blue poop chutes (assuming the bastards excrete matter in a humanoid way). They're fucking monsters who think everybody else in the universe should order things the way they want to order things. And they're typical of the powerful in that once they get the opportunity to drop their responsibilities and run off with some big titted women eager to fuck them green, they do so. "Oh, oh! We have to maintain order in the universe! We're the only ones powerful enough to do so! Unless, of course, there's an opportunity to get our tiny blue dicks wet!"

It's possible I've been reading the Green Lantern Corps through the lens of my hatred for fascist authoritarians so never really saw the series clearly. People sometimes get angry at my bias in my reviews but they do so mostly because they think I don't understand my bias. Don't worry, angry comic book nerds. I know when I rate a terrible comic book starring Lobo with an "A+" that I'm not being fair! But that's why this is my blog and not a comment on somebody else's Internet opinions telling them they're wrong. I can think what I want to think here and if you happen to stop by to read my biased opinions and think, "This guy is a jackass," guess what? You don't have to comment to me! I know I'm a jackass! Just move on. Either be entertained with my anger and irrational opinions or forget about me! Also, your mother is a whore.

That mother was a whore comment was only for people who disagree with me! If you like my comic book reviews, I'm sure your whore mother was actually a really sweet and caring person.

At the end of the last issue, Guy Gardner was rushing off to Oa to save the day. This issue begins with Guy failing to do the job in three panels.

This is the fourth panel. He doesn't even make it to Oa.

I would have scanned the panel where the Mad Guardian instantly defeats Guy Gardner but nobody wants to see Guy getting an eye full of Mad Guardian jizz. What? You do want to see that? Oh, okay then!

While all the other Guardians are unloading into Zamaron buttholes, the Mad Guardian has been so pent up he hits Guy straight in the eye millions of miles away.

Apparently, that beam through Guy's eye and into his brain was a message from Hal Jordan: "Wait up and I'll sneak you into Oa." Hal's so smart! He knew Guy would just blunder straight into The Mad Guardian's trap (like he did). So he stops Guy in his tracks by jerking off right into his brain. I wonder if that works? Can you communicate by splooging into somebody's eye? I'm gonna run an experiment later!

Guy Gardner waits on an asteroid until one of the Mad Guardian's kidnapped cities passes by. He then hitches a ride on the city to sneak onto Oa and save the day, humiliating all of the other Green Lanterns by showing them what a real Green Lantern can do! If I had ever been an editor at DC, I would have been making egregious demands! Worse than even Geoff Johns' demands! I'd be all, "Every Lobo appearance must mention how huge Lobo's cock is. Maybe even show the outline of it in his tight jeans. Also his dog should have huge balls." Oh, I would have had editorial demands for making Guy Gardner the best Green Lantern too. That's why I brought it up. It's just that my first and most demanding demand would be the Lobo thing.

While Hal and Guy plot to take down the Mad Guardian, the Mad Guardian explains his plans to John Stewart.

After ejaculating all over John's face, of course. Just like all the best Bond villains did to 007.

The Mad Guardian's plan to drain the energy from planets millions of miles away from Oa to keep one or two cities from each planet alive might be a good plan. How should I know? Comic books are fucking silly! If I had spent more time reading my science books and less time playing Dragon Wars in college, maybe I'd be able to explain the flaw in his plan. But as far as I can tell, with the scant knowledge I've accumulated from a wasted lifetime, the plan seems sound. I doubt there's a better way to gather the energy to maintain these civilizations. Plus he's got Guardians of Oa power levels. Using his massive godlike energy to siphon much less energy across vast distances makes as much sense as anything energy-related which human beings do on a daily basis.

Guy Gardner has taken refuge in the plumbing of some crystalline beings looking for any excuse to suck down some Rohypnol.

This crystalline alien dame is a good example of what Guy was talking about last issue. You know, about how he didn't know where to stick his dick when it came to alien broads.

These aliens are from Barrio III. I wish I knew that kind of DC trivia off the top of my head but I just looked up the Green Lantern Corp in the Who's Who to remember the name of the crystalline Green Lantern: Chaselon.

The crystal aliens shoot Guy Gardner with white laser beams because they're all mind-controlled by the Mad Guardian to protect Oa. Was this another mistake by the colorist? How does Guy Gardner not protect himself from white laser beams? That's like the first rule of Green Lantern Corps Club: don't get shot by white laser beams.

Hal seems to instinctively know that Guy Gardner is going to fuck up the entire plan so he tries to find help on his own. He approaches the Xudarian whom he met earlier and asks him for help.

I bet the suffix "Tu" means "the perfect shaped mouth for a dick to fit into."

Hal cuts off the boring Xudarian so they can get onto real business. He doesn't have time to learn the intricacies of how Xudarians name themselves! Although I don't know why Hal even bothers these people. His whole plan is to have them watch for Guy Gardner with their observatories. Then he walks away. He doesn't even tell them how to contact him if they see Guy. Or what to tell Guy if they encounter him. I'll assume his plan had more parts to it but he couldn't explain them all because Rose caught him using his ring and now she's freaking out again. Hal grabs her by the shoulders sternly because, as we learned earlier, slapping hysterical women was probably out of vogue by 1990, no matter how much Reagan and the Republicans wanted to retain that move. He explains to her that she can't freak out like she'd normally do or the Mad Guardian will kill them. But Rose doesn't know what a Mad Guardian is. Or a Xudarian. Or Oa. Or anything about what has just fucking happened to her to move her entire farm to some alien planet. Luckily all of that not knowing seems to have left her in a state of shock, leaving little ability to turn hysterical.

Guy winds up announcing himself to every alien being he comes across leading to the Mad Guardian taking notice. Luckily the Xudarians capture Guy Gardner on their observation machines and somehow know how to beam the footage to Hal Jordan. I'm sure there's a logical explanation for that but Gerard Jones smartly realized it would be too boring to waste any panels explaining. Good for him! I always sound like I want more scientific explanations for things happening in comic books but when a writer does decide to explain how things work, I just shit all over the explanation and complain about all the pages wasted on it. Next time a character does something that doesn't make sense in a comic book, I'm just going to nod my head and think, "Yeah! That totally makes way more sense than making up an explanation and wasting a bunch of comic book pages that could be taken up by Lobo wearing pants tight enough to show the outline of his cock!"

While the Mad Guardian's attention turns to kicking Guy's ass, Hal flies off to get help from John Stewart. I guess Hal's big plan was to use Guy as a distraction. That makes a lot more sense than calling Guy because Hal thought he could save them. Guy's brash enough and stubborn enough to keep the Mad Guardian's attention turned toward him for some time. It seems obvious now! You don't call in Guy Gardner and tell him to sneak into hostile territory unless you want him to come flying in full of bravado and announcing how many heads he's going to bust open. The only problem I have with this plan is that it's way too smart a plan for Hal to have come up with!

Or is it? I suppose the only thing you really can use Guy for is to point him at something you want seriously mocked before getting beaten up. The Mad Guardian couldn't ignore Guy if he wanted to.

Hal explains his plan to John.

I like how Hal doesn't even mention the Mad Guardian's cum all over John's face. Class act, that Jordan.

Hal's plan seems to backfire as he doesn't get enough power from the Green Lantern Battery as he did in Emerald Dawn. The Mad Guardian explains that's because the battery is barely linked to the planet anymore; it's linked directly to him! The Mad Guardian, not realizing that that's probably Hal's plan, points out that Hal's plan was stupid. But he also notices Hal has erased his recent memory to hide his plan from the Mad Guardian. But the Mad Guardian, being full of fatal flaws like pride and more pride and overconfidence which is really just even more pride, doesn't question anything that Hal just did. He just assumes Hal is a big dumb jerk from Earth who has now been caught in a trap alongside John Stewart and Guy Gardner. Apparently they're all going to die next issue! Except that I can see the cover of the next issue and it shows Hal, Guy, and John blasting the shit out of the Mad Guardian. So who knows what's going to happen then, I guess! There's no telling!

Green Lantern #6 Rating: B. Guy Gardner gets played for a fool once again! Tricked into believing he's the hero of the story, he's really just a big juicy worm for Hal Jordan's trolling for Mad Guardians. Why couldn't Guy Gardner save the day? This comic book is called Green Lantern not Hal Jordan. Gerard Jones could have given Guy just the slightest bit of respect by allowing him to actually save the day and then, realizing how many lives are in danger and how serious the situation is, actually be humble about doing the heroic thing. Why can't Guy Gardner learn?! What's so wrong about letting Guy be heroic?! Am I the only person in the world who can see a path to Guy Gardner still being essentially Guy Gardner while not being a fucking asshole?!

Green Lantern #5 (October 1990)

At least 5 Trademark symbols (both registered and unregistered) on this cover. Take that, Marvel!

Obviously when I wrote, "Take that, Marvel!", I didn't actually mean for Marvel to take anything from this cover full of registered and unregistered trademarks. I wouldn't want to see Marvel get in trouble for stealing the character of Hal Jordan and calling him — Oh, I don't know — Wal Jordan? I also shouldn't imply that Marvel stole anything from DC when Rob Liefeld created Deadpool. I should imply that Liefeld stole from DC. Maybe DC didn't put enough trademark symbols on Slade Wilson at the time. Or maybe Rob Liefeld had no idea what trademark symbols were. Or the definition of plagiarism. Or stealing. Or being an unimaginative asshat.

You might be thinking, "Why the fuck are you shitting all over Rob Liefeld out of absolutely nowhere, Tess?" And I'd say, "My name isn't Tess!" Then I might continue, understanding perfectly well what you were communicating and attempting to limit my facetious behavior, "Well, I was just looking at the cover of The New Mutants #98 and thinking, 'I love how Rob Liefeld knew he couldn't draw symmetrical faces very well so he always put people in shaded visors or gave them wonky laser eyes or weird bangs or, like the cover of The New Mutants #98, just covered up one half of one character's face with Deadpool's body and a mystery sword.'" My main regret about collecting comic books in the '90s was that I instantly hated all of the Image style artists and now own very few Rob Liefeld books. I would love to write blog posts about them!

This issue begins with Wal Jordan finally giving up on walking America's roads looking for holes and going back to doing what he'd been wanting to do the whole time but pretending he didn't: being Green Lantern. His pedestrian road trip (both meanings!) to find himself actually worked but not in the way he thought it would. He discovered that he was the person he didn't think he wanted to be all along. That's actually a very American breakthrough. We may act like a country full of individuals free to do what they please but few of us actually become those people. Mostly because we're sidetracked by things like earning enough money to pay for a loaf of bread or blaming our intolerable personalities on other people's personalities so that we can bully whomever we want and feel absolutely justified or wanting to kill another person so badly that we develop a completely psychotic personality revolving around the idea that guns liberate and half the country deserve a bullet to the chest. Also money. Loads and loads of people never develop a personality because they once read the poetic line "Things are in the saddle, and ride mankind" and thought, "I am horny for that."

Hal crashes into a forcefield around Oa and is knocked unconscious. It wasn't a yellow forcefield. It was just a forcefield made by a more powerful being: an insane Guardian of the Universe. Hal wakes up in the farmhouse of Rose.

Usually when I wake up around a woman, this is the look on her face.

I don't usually wake up with children staring at me so I don't know if they'd usually have the same dopey look of joy that Rose's kid has on his face after finding an unconscious Hal Jordan in his bed. Also, I don't mean to imply that all women are always angry. I meant to imply that most women that sleep with me wind up angry and disappointed. Get it? It wasn't misogynistic. It was self-deprecating!

Do you think Gerard Jones' script read, "Hal Jordan, knocked unconscious by the Mad Guardian's field of force around Oa, wakes up in a familiar farmhouse. A sexy young child stands over his bed, a look of complete and utter joy and satisfaction on his face"?

Being that Hal just woke up on a hick farm that was transplanted to another planet where other alien cities were similarly transported, his first experience (other than Rose's look of angry disappointment and Rose's dopey kid's look of pure joy) is hearing a bunch of rednecks trying to murder a couple of Xudarians.

This is a hate crime.

Hal stops the murder from taking place because he has loads of Xudarian friends and maybe because it's his job as a Green Lantern to protect all universal beings, even if they have heads like fish. Gross.

Being 1990, the rednecks believe a person with a dangerous weapon in a position of authority will actually protect the weird-ass fish heads, possibly using violence, rather than let them murder them in cold blood and then later explain it was in self-defense simply because they "felt threatened," so they stop trying to kill the Xudarians. Hal doesn't even have to pop one in the face to get his point across because in 1990, policing was still seen as an activity that kept order and protected the community. Here in 2024, policing is also an activity that keeps order and protects the community, but only a certain community and only an order that placates white supremacists. Oh, is that woke nonsense? Then maybe re-read your old comic books that you tout as not being full of woke nonsense and get back to me. Like this one I'm reading now where an authoritarian figure protects a minority from violent white men full of fear and loathing.

Rose calms down and stops blaming Hal Jordan for transplanting her farm to an alien planet after he refuses to explain the situation plainly but apparently grabs her shoulders in the right calming way that non-consensual touch always does for an angry woman. Sort of the late 20th century way of slapping a hysterical woman. Apparently by 1990, we still haven't taken women seriously enough to realize that communicating with words usually works better than putting your hands on them.

Why does Rose think offering the Xudarians ham or dumplings might be less offensive than offering them birdseed?! I would have started with worms.

Hal Jordan rushes off to find John Stewart. Instead, he finds yellow death at the hands of a Masters of the Universe figure.

Based on the names of the figures I'm familiar with, this Skeletor henchman would have been called Ejaculate.

See? Certain death as this thing's head cock bukkakes yellow fire directly into Hal's face.

Am I color blind or does the Green Lantern ring work against yellow that has the slightest hint of orange?

Okay, fine. Hal doesn't die. Somehow his ring decides to work against a yellow fireball. Instead of blaming the colorist, I'll just blame the lighting in my office. Remember that time everybody on the Internet saw that dress as either blue or gold? I saw it both ways the same day because it was blue and black at first. But then the light went out in my office and I walked to Safeway to get a new light. It was about the time they were changing the kinds of bulbs we could buy and when I changed the bulb, the light in my office was different enough that now the dress was white and gold. So maybe this creature is actually belching blue/black flames? What I'm trying to express is what the fuck is reality anyway?

Hal discovers the creature is protecting its young and then offers an explanation for why his ring can sort of block the fireballs.

So my first assessment was correct. But does this explanation mean that anything with any yellow in it at all, like, um, green? pierce his ring's forcefield?

I don't like how this line of questioning is quickly heading me toward Too Committed to Fandom Continuity Town so I'm just going to drop it. It was probably a mistake with the color separation and after the last few pages came back, the team had to add in this page where Hal explains how he's blocking yellow fire. It's always better to assume something was a mistake than to make it part of the story's internal consistency. Editors caving to explain mistakes is how Justice League Europe wound up with two Crimson Foxes who constantly had to explain why their costume was actually brown. "Oh, fans think they've got us over a barrel by pointing out that Crimson Fox sometimes has a thick French accent and sometimes doesn't? Well, we'll show them! There are two Crimson Foxes! One fluent and one super horny!"

Hal Jordan defeats the Bukkake Monster Family by penetrating the crust of Oa with his mighty weapon. This causes the surface to collapse, killing all of the baby Bukkake monsters. That was an assumption on my part because I love to make an ass out of everybody.

The Mad Guardian finds Hal and explains the situation to him. Every cock-headed monster and fish head on the planet will fight to protect The Mad Guardian because he's all that's keeping them alive in their new biome. He's making them all happy with mind control. That might sound bad but did you read the word "happy" in there? I wouldn't give a shit if somebody was mind controlling me to make me happy and joyous. More power to them! They'd be taking better care of my mental health than I am.

Hal tries to resist but fails. Not because he doesn't have the greatest willpower of everybody in the galaxy but because, in his heart, he really, really wants to fuck Rose. And the Mad Guardian's plan to make Hal happy is to let him fuck Rose. I guess secretly Rose wants to fuck Hal too or else how is the Mad Guardian making her happy?

Hal lives happily with Rose and her son Toby until one night while looking at the stars, the ring reveals the actual night sky to him and he remembers he's on Oa. Earlier in the series, Hal had to keep explaining to people how he doesn't look at the stars anymore. But that was when he was trying to forget the person he didn't know he actually wanted to be. Now he actually has forgotten that person so he also forgot that the doesn't look at the stars. But looking at the stars saves him so Gerard Jones was probably trying to say something profound here. Too bad I'm too stupid to understand what. Maybe it's just that Hal Jordan can't stop wanting to be Green Lantern and the stars always remind him of being Green Lantern which is why he didn't want to look at them when he didn't want to be Green Lantern. But now he forgot he was Green Lantern so he looked at the stars which reminded him he was Green Lantern. Anyway, he broke the mind control and realized the only way to get help for Oa was to contact the greatest Green Lantern in the universe: Guy Gardner!

I bet Guy's original line, before the Comics Code Authority had their say, was, "I never know where to stick my dick in them space dames."

Green Lantern #5 Rating: A+. Not every comic book starring Guy Gardner gets an "A+". He's no Lobo. But a comic book where Hal Jordan swallows his pride (after getting blasted in the face by Bukkake aliens) and admit that he needs Guy Gardner to save him? Big time A+! Fuck you, Hal Jordan! Every Green Lantern comic book should end with Hal getting his ass beat and needing to call Guy! Why didn't I ever try to get an editorial job with DC so that I could mandate the "Hal Must Always Call Guy for Help" continuity? Sure, I'd allow the occasional Elseworld book where Guy Gardner needed Hal's help. Just to show how silly that would be and how my editorial mandate that Hal must always ask for help was so obviously the correct version of the universe. Also G'nort would be higher on the heroic Green Lantern list than Hal. Obviously.

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Green Lantern #4 (September 1990)

Another road travelled, another massive hole at the end of it.

I felt Gerard Jones' analogy of roads leading to holes was meant to convey everybody's path through life to the grave. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it wasn't an analogy at all. Was Jones just being extremely literal because he knew Hal Jordan was about to discover the giant hole where an Earth city teleported to Oa once resided? Should I apologize to Gerard Jones for making fun of his stupid analogy that all roads lead to holes when it wasn't actually an analogy and just Hal's life experience of all roads actually leading to holes? That wasn't a serious question because why the fuck would I apologize to Gerard Jones? Gerard Jones should apologize to me for that stupid analogy!

Hal Jordan has decided he needs to find out who he is without the Green Lantern ring so he's walking America's backroads searching for the man the ring never actually let him become while wearing the ring and casually using the ring and refusing to leave the ring in a safety deposit box down at the local bank. You can tell he's not serious about "finding himself sans ring" because the first panel of this comic book has him charging the ring and by the third panel, he's using the ring's magic green light to make a razor to shave with. Maybe more forgiving and compassionate readers would let that slide but I'm the opposite of forgiving and compassionate! I'm, um, just a second...let me check out antonym.com...um, I'm unforgiving and, um, uncompassionate! What the fuck, antonym.com? I probably could have come up with those opposites myself!

I can mostly forgive Hal using the ring to shave. I fucking hate shaving and only do it about once ever three to four weeks. And even then, I'm really just trimming the beard. What I can't forgive Hal for is his unrelentingly idiotic analogies and metaphors!

I lived my first 25 years in California and not once did I experience a day where I thought, "This morning feels like a woman caressing my forehead!" Maybe I'm just gay?

While Hal Jordan walks down roads toward holes singing "King of the Road" like the unimaginative jerk who loves to start barroom brawls he is, the mad Guardian does the same thing but perverts it. Based on Hal's interactions while on the road, he's lonely for normal human company. The Guardian is lonely for abnormal Guardian company. But instead of hitting the road searching for holes to feed his nostalgia for earlier days, the Mad Guardian is feeding his nostalgia by bringing all of the places he's ever visited to him and creating holes across the universe. Both men are fueled by nostalgia and road trips but only one of them has turned it into a destructive act.

Later, doesn't Hal Jordan mirror the Mad Guardian in a way? Has anybody (Geoff Johns specifically) ever discussed the ways in which being a servant to the green light makes you go mad with loneliness and nostalgia? Oh my God! Is Rod Serling a former Green Lantern? Was The Twilight Zone, with its incessant themes of space madness from loneliness and reality warping nostalgia, just a product of this side effect of using the Green Lantern ring?!

With great power comes the ability to turn your memories into fabulous little trinkets.

I was trying to figure out what city the Mad Guardian has kidnapped here but without any famous buildings as markers, I couldn't make a guess. But then he explains this city is from the Pacific Northwest so it's probably Portland. If you want an Everyman Cityscape, Portland is pretty good (if you leave out the bridges). If this were Seattle, they'd have that UFO spinning restaurant building where the fireworks shoot out of on the 4th. Oh, the Space Needle! I couldn't remember what it was called because I'm fifty fucking two years old and my brain is half-LSD.

Hal Jordan has been visiting places he once visited with Green Arrow. And according to the Mad Guardian, he also visited some of those places with them. So it looks like the first three issues were all about getting the reader familiar with characters that will soon be living on Oa and starring in Green Lantern: Mosaic. The first three issues of this series was a backdoor pilot for another comic book series by Gerard Jones. I'd feel scammed but those issues also starred Guy Gardner being a total dick to Hal Jordan. Maybe that's why I always loved Guy so much! Because I couldn't stand Hal and was living vicariously through Guy's childish antics!

Hal learns about the disappearance of Evergreen City, a place he used to live, but ignores the catastrophe because he's not Green Lantern anymore. Except in the morning when he needs to shave. I feel justified in my abhorrence of shaving if even Hal Jordan, who has decided he'd rather do all the physical labor of his life himself without the help of the ring, still insists on using the ring to shave. Shaving is the fucking worst.

This one panel has me rethinking my dislike of the "Image style." Please, give me some Liefeld art to look at over this shit!

According to the Internet, I'm not supposed to criticize other people's art without first showing that I'm a better artist. But I don't have time to prove that I can draw at least this well. Also I don't want to draw a picture of Hal Jordan fucking a ladder. Unless he's fucking the orange tree and the ladder is just an impromptu sex swing. The bald guy watching Hal fuck the orange tree is the guy who told Hal about the orange fucking job. His brain is also 50% LSD.

Later, I might feel bad about suggesting that Rob Liefeld's art was better than Pat Broderick and Bruce Patterson's art. But right now, looking at this panel, I can see why the "Image Style" really set people's minds on fire (I mean that in two ways: in the good sense in that it sparked a passion for a real movement in comic book art and in the bad sense where their brains were burnt to ashes because how else could they believe that all of those "Image" artists of the time were actually good?!).

Remember how many, many comic book fans moved on from debating that the "Image style" was good to debating that it was "dynamic"? That's because they thought you couldn't argue against that while you absolutely could argue (and win!) a debate about the terrible quality of the art. But a bunch of "Image style" artists were also lazy and their versions of "dynamic art" were people standing around stiffer than Barbie dolls. Plus Liefeld, as a time saver, would often forgo drawing all of a person's limbs on their body. If you reply, "Give me an example," I won't. Because why should I do all of the heavy lifting in this hypothetical argument with an Internet Denizen and Image Fan? Find all of the many, many examples yourself! I will offer a little help at least: one is definitely in Liefeld's Deathstroke run during The New 52.

The Justice League investigates the disappearance of Evergreen City even though it's a West Coast city. Who else can be relied upon to investigate if they don't do it? Green Arrow? Titans West? The Outsiders? Please.

While investigating, Guy's ring decides to look like John Stewart for a moment and cry out, "Eastward. Eastward. There won't be time. There won't be...". See? Even John Stewart thinks they shouldn't bother with the West Coast. Fucking East Coast comic book privilege!

Every 30 days, Hal's hippie friend is all, "Holy shit! HOLY SHIT! Crescent moon, man! Crescent moon! Rebirth, man! Isis, dude! Coincidence? Or cosmic synchronicity?!"

Maybe I'm a little bit envious of Hal's buddy Clay the Hippie. One of the most annoying and yet endearing attributes of hippies is their ability to be so openly earnest and emotional about the most fucking mundane bullshit. "Yeah, Clay. Great. I see it. The moon is like a small sliver. Wow. So fucking cool. Haven't seen that over 600 times in my life so far."

Man. Only about 600? And I'm so close to dead? I actually should be full of wonder every time I see it! What the fuck is wrong with me?!

Why do people constantly ask questions they already know the answer to? You charge the ring every day because shaving without a magic space ring sucks.

Earlier, Clay advised Hal Jordan to stop asking questions. Implied that the asking of questions was Hal's problem. This is how I know Clay's mind is half composed of LSD. Just let shit flow, man. Proactivity is for the anxious and paranoid! Reactivity is for the cosmically chill. Yeah, I agree with Clay. Because asking questions only results in answers and more questions. And not only do people not need more questions to ponder, they also don't need nearly as many answers as they think they do. Knowing shit doesn't equate to control. It just means you know about more things that you don't have control over. Let it go, man. Just let it all go.

Was Obi Wan Kenobi's mind 50% whatever cave fungus on Tatooine simulates LSD? You know Yoda was hopped up on some fucked up swamp berries.

That night, Hal has a dream about John Stewart. John warns Hal that somebody is stealing all of the peaches. Hal shouts and screams while dreaming so Clay wakes him up.

How Clay sees the world: is this guy on a good trip or a bad trip?

Clay exposes that he's been thinking way too much about Hal Jordan lately. He also helps Hal to see that running from his time as Green Lantern still means he's being controlled by Green Lantern. So maybe stop whining while still using the ring for mundane tasks and take fucking responsibility before DC's version of Uncle Ben gets mugged and murdered. Unless it's too late because all the towns Hal Jordan and Oliver Green visited during their road trip seem to be disappearing off the map. Hal heads to Hope Springs to see if it's still around because there's a woman there he still wants to fuck.

Hal arrives too late. His blue balls reminds him of the little blue Guardians and he knows who's behind this and where he needs to go. So he charges up his ring, says the stupid fucking oath, and heads off into space toward Rose's vagina.

Green Lantern #4 Rating: B. This comic book might have been better or worse than whatever ranking I just gave it but it's hard to tell because it took me three weeks to get through it. That was on me! Between travel and being distracted by every single Steam and Xbox game that went on sale in the last month, I haven't really been on the computer. Which means not being in my office. Which means completely forgetting that this comic book was still in the scanner. Also, I should probably just experience the comic book instead of snarking on it the entire time I'm reading it. Maybe I'd rediscover a love of comic books if I actually just sat down and read them! I'm afraid what I'll really find is that they're way too boring to read without the distraction of this blog as an intermediary. I should also wait until I begin reading another comic book series that I loved. I never really liked Hal Jordan and I didn't even remember I owned this series! That's how much of an impact it had on me. Hell, I remembered I read Peter David's Aquaman but not this. I suppose if Jones had chopped off Hal's hand and gave him long hair and a bad attitude, I'd have remembered it. Or if Lobo had been in it more.

Comic Book & Other Media Reviews The Literal Bible Study and Other Miscellany
Mason & Dixon. One Line at a Time.
Against the Day. One Line at a Time.
Text Adventure Reviews
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