Justice League Dark #28

I'm still waiting for Etrigan to appear on a cover.

Blight was defeated last issue and the Thaumaton was defeated in the previous issue of The Blight crossover. So the magic guys have won, right? How many issues was this thing supposed to run? I remember it was a lot! I suppose after Forever Evil ends, the DC Universe is just going to slide right into the next huge crisis, right? Come on, Super Heroes! Get your universe under control already!

One thing that I forgot to mention because I forgot! Pandora, The Phantom Stranger, and Cassandra Craft were teleported out of the Thaumaton before it blew up. Or before they thought it was going to blow up. Because by Page Three, I notice Constantine and Zatanna are still sealed into the contraption.

Constantine just looks bored.

I guess I called the destruction of the Thaumaton too early. Felix Faust and Nick Necro manage to stop it from overloading by sticking a spear in the side of Zauriel and riding him onwards toward salvation. After the device is stabliized, Felix Faust tears the wings off of Zauriel. Does that mean that somewhere a bell has been unrung?

Meanwhile I discover that John looks bored because he's in limbo talking with Zatanna. Hmm. That came out wrong. His body looks bored because his mind is not inside of it! It's in a place called The Between (Jesus Christ. After all the boring names things were called in Lois Lane #1, I have to get the same shit from Constantine?) and it is able to talk with Zatanna's mind there. I bet it can also do other things but they really don't have two minutes to spare. That wasn't a joke about how long Constantine can last. It was a joke about how quickly Zatanna can reach orgasm. "Etarbiv sirotilc!"

While they've got a moment alone, Constantine tells Zatanna that she's the only thing he cares about. Zatanna obviously doesn't want to hear that shit about how she's somehow responsible now for Constantine's happiness. Not only does she have to worry about saving the world, now she has to worry about whether or not she hurts John's feelings while doing it? Fuck that selfish prick! Sometimes your true feelings should remain hidden out of compassion for the other person's feelings. Although I guess that doesn't matter to John. I called him a selfish prick for a reason, didn't I? Hopefully at the end of this mess, Zatanna will just say, "Uoy t'nod yllaer evol em, Nhoj." And then he'll go back to only caring about gathering magic doodads to make himself more powerful. I mean, to maintain the balance of power to help keep the world safe *cough*bullshit*cough*.

Oh crap. Not this asshole again.

Nick tries to get John and Zee to remember how awesome the sex was when the three of them were together on a bed of Oreos. He also wants them to know that the Thaumaton actually serves a pure purpose. It was built to destroy whatever The Crime Syndicate fears, the thing that destroyed Earth Three. He and Faust are helping to save the world, not to destroy it! Although working for the Crime Syndicate kind of hurts his believability. Maybe the thing the Crime Syndicate are afraid of is a good cosmic creature that isn't coming to destroy the Earth but to destroy the Crime Syndicate themselves? Even if Nick is telling the truth, I wouldn't help him out because he's a boring asshole in a tie. The only way I could hate him more is if he were wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

I guess Constantine is a boring asshole in a tie as well. But he has the trench coat which makes him cooler! Even if it was Nick's coat to begin with. Oh! He also has the accent! That's why he's better. English accents always make things better. Except for Scouse accents. Unless they're backed by music!

Nick's feelings are hurt when he's rejected by John and Zee so he pretends that he was lying just to trap them into the Thaumaton's firing mechanism. But the single, solitary tear falling down his face and the way he runs spastically from the room to go stuff his face full of the never dying love of a giant cheese pizza betrays his true feelings.

"...can manifest such a deep and mighty hate." I've never felt as close to Felix Faust as I do right now!

And then this:

If I hadn't just gained a Master Comic Book Reader Level during my Lois Lane #1 commentary, I'd level up right now! If the cheese pizza had manifested, I'd have gone up two levels!

Lastly, The Phantom Stranger decides to hire a babysitter to help them save the world but The Spectre will not allow it. So it looks like The Stranger and The Spectre are going to have a debate in the next episode of Forever Evil: Blight.

Justice League Dark #28 Rating: No change. Ha ha! Nick Necro cried the cliché single tear of sadness! That has to be the lowest moment of his life! What a loser jerk! I've never cried the single tear of sadness! Fuck it man. When I loved someone that didn't love me back, I full out bawled in front of police and the girl I loved! And the cops had the nerve to think I was crying because they were hassling me! So I yelled, "I'm not crying because of YOU!" Luckily they didn't arrest me or I might have sat in the jail cell which probably would have prompted me to cry the single tear of sadness. Whew! Close one! Embarrassment narrowly avoided!

Pandora #8

Purple on Purple violence.

Last issue of Forever Evil: Blight was in Constantine. He defeated Nick Necro but was then defeated by Felix Faust because his comic book was ending and the story needed to continue in Pandora. So it was kind of a tag team match-up. Constantine ran out of pages and had to be captured or else this comic book would say "PANDORA" on the front and then be about Constantine. And that's not fair! It would be bordering on fraudulent!

This issue is either called "Open Eyes" or "Eyes Open" and it begins at the same moment that Constantine #11 began as the Mini-Justice League Dark entered the Crime Syndicate's compound in Nanda Parbat. But the action quickly moves on to Deadman because he doesn't have a comic book of his own so he is allowed to share time with the title character. As the Sea King, he's also purple and it seems like this issue is about the purple people.

Nick calls The Sea King a "Poof" and reveals it's really Deadman.

Discovering that The Sea King is really Deadman causes Necro and Faust to put into motion the things that happened in Constantine #11. So five pages in and we're still living in the past. I guess we needed to know that Deadman was found out. I think I complain too much. Anyway, Constantine gets sucked away to his own book and story which we read last month where Necro winds up defeated but Faust triumphs. The rest of the Mini-Justice League Dark are overwhelmed by Necro's demon gaurds. Well, all of them except Zauriel.

The runes in the final panel say "magic shit" so I expect Francis Portela to resign in shame for offending my delicate nature.

Pandora surrenders after casting her magic shit spell because who can fight with a load in their underwear? I've never been able to. Everyone is attached to the Thaumaton except maybe Zauriel. He may have gotten away because how are Necro and Faust going to catch one of Dog's angels when even Constantine couldn't? Maybe if they had their own comic book titles, I'd believe they were capable. Or if Nick Necro was at all interesting. He's not a fitting nemesis for John Constantine. Faust is a bit better in that at least he's trying to look interesting. I don't know what look Necro is going for. Some kind of post-punk 1980s above rebellion change the system from within while making scads of money kind of thing? Faust's look is Royal Lich and Loving It. I can get behind that look.

This issue reveals that Constantine was brought down by Faust's spell, "Magic Fingers." Questions. The name of that spell raises many lewd questions which I will keep to myself this time. You're all thinking the same questions anyway. I can see it in your pants.

The Nightmare Nurse is strapped into the Thaumaton's firing chamber to test its capabilities with all of its new magic batteries. I don't know what the test blast is aimed at. Alderaan? She barely survives. Luckily she's some kind of demon from hell, so she'll probably heal quickly.

Nick wanders about looking for another subject to test the Thaumaton and it seems like it would be a good time for Constantine to remove the spell locking Deadman into The Sea King's body. Their deception was discovered so the body is no longer needed. And then Deadman can take over Necro or Faust. Or maybe just the facility's janitor since that would be easier. But Constantine misses his chance. At least for now. I'm sure relaeasing Deadman will come into play at some point. Maybe during Justice League Dark's next chapter.

Is she going to short circuit the machine with her magic poo?

And that's just what happens when Faust powers up the Thaumaton!

"And lo, shit rained down upon the men and women of the world for forty days and forty nights."

As the Thaumaton overloads and is on the precipice of blowing, Pandora teleports everyone to safety. At least that was her plan. She actually only teleports The Phantom Stranger and Cassandra Craft and herself to an island in the South Pacific. These must be the Magic Bikini Islands where the Thaumaton was aimed. Once she realizes she didn't save everybody and that they're all going to die in Nanda Parbat when the Thaumaton explodes, she declares they have to go back to rescue them. But they probably won't need her help since the next chapter takes place in Mini-Justice League Dark #28. I bet Zatanna and Frankenstein and Black Orchid and whichever other characters I've forgotten about finally make an appearance and do something besides act like a victim.

Pandora #8 Rating: No change. This commentary was just a "I feel like reading a comic book but am not all that amped for writing about it" commentary! These usually take longer to write because I keep stalling and trying to get in the mood but then never come up with anything I want to write about. Maybe Pandora just isn't inspiring enough! I've said all I can say about her and how she's being punished for no reason. What more is there? Where'd she get her outfit? I am a bit interested in that. It's quite a nice look. Something I'd feel comfortable wearing on a fancy night out on the town at Taco Bell.

Constantine #11

Seems rational.

I don't think Constantine is in love with Zatanna at all! He's not even in love with the idea of being in love! He's in love with the idea that he might possibly be able to love somebody even though he's destroyed so many lives in his selfish need to become more powerful (while lying to himself that he's actually just trying to keep balance in the magic realm) and also in love with the idea that a good person might possibly be able to love him back if he hides his true self to her and himself. Or he might just really love the feeling of his penis in Zatanna's vagina. That's a pretty distinct possibility.

This issue no longer has the Forever Evil label on it but they're still going after The Crime Syndicate's Thaumaton to save their magical allies. Did DC just forget? Or did they figure they could drop that after Blight was defeated and Chris the Redeemer was brought forth unto the world? You know what. I don't care.

Remember last issue when I did it all in crayon? That was pretty good, hunh? I'm not doing that this time!

So Justice League Dark have found themselves in Nanda Parbat infiltrating The Crime Syndicate's secret magic weapon headquarters thanks to Deadman's cover as The Sea King. That probably won't last long though before Ultraman hears about his return and comes to investigate.

That's what I wrote in the last Phantom Stranger issue! That if they'd just taken the time to discuss the whereabouts of their missing magic friends, they'd have realized Nanda Parbat was the only place they could be! You know, after San Francisco!

As soon as the Mini-Justice League Dark enter the temple where Zatanna and the others are being held, they trigger a trap by Nick Necro (whom I might hate even more than Condor) that causes everyone but Constantine and The Nightmare Nurse to disappear. That's okay! All of the others minus Zauriel have their own comic books! They don't need to be running around this one for no pay.

The Nightmare Nurse looks like Sailor Boner here!

And here as well! Vampire Tig who?

While I'm busy falling in love with The Nightmare Nurse, John and Asa break through all of Felix Faust's mystical traps to find themselves at the doorstep of the Thaumaton. Strapped to this huge device are all of their mystical friends, enemies, and acquaintances: Black Orchid, Cassandra Craft, Shade, Enchantress, Blackbriar Thorn, Blue Devil, Papa Midnite, and more. Any magic person who is any magic person in the DC Universe is here. Except Zatanna. That's when Constantine turns on The Nightmare Nurse, punches her, and asks who she really is! Of course it's Nick Necro in disguise.

Well damn! No wonder I was suddenly all lustful for The Nightmare Nurse! Before this issue, I thought she was cute and adorable and sexy in that devil may care that she's a devil kind of way! But that mostly had to do with her character. Okay, sure. The cute little devil nurse outfit may have intrigued me a bit! But suddenly after the initial trap was sprung, she was Male Gazed up to the gills! Because that's the only way Nick Necro has ever seen her! As a sexual object! So when he tried to portray her himself, The Nightmare Nurse was suddenly causing man and lady boners to pop up all over the place! That's probably how Constantine knew it was really Necro in disguise.

Nick Necro: "Let's see. How do I convince everybody I'm The Nightmare Nurse? Short skirt which means multiple glimpses of my underwear! Oh yeah, that's fucking hot. My nipples need to show through my thick leather clothing. That's a must! Legs about a third longer than normal so it's noticeable but I don't look like a freak. Big heeled boots will help give a boost to my height and ass! Let's see...what did her hair and face look like? Damn. Fuck if I know. I mean, I remember she had tits. And lips! And tits. Bah, it'll only be John I have to fool! I'm sure he's never really looked Ana in the face either!"

John and Nick tussle for a bit before John disappears for a moment to get his bearings. Or his teammates.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Nicky baby. Remember this isn't a Vertigo title anymore. You can't just go sticking your dick into any old magician you want while a nearly naked woman in bondage watches.

John beats Nick Necro easily because Nick Necro sucks. The only way I might be willing to read another comic book with Nick Necro is if he joins some kind of Loser's Club with Condor and Warrant. But Constantine forgets about Felix Faust who reappears and knocks out John. Although this is John's best tactic, right? He lets the other magicians punch themselves out before he comes back and kicks their asses. If only Ann Nocenti were here to remind me what that is called!

Or maybe Constantine really got caught with his dick out this time.

The rest of his team are close by because they've also been securely locked into the Thaumaton.

Constantine #11 Rating: +4 Ranking. I don't know if it's my fault recently for not enjoying Constantine or if Constantine just has been getting the shitty chapters of Forever Evil: Blight. But whatever was going on, that's in the past with this issue! I really enjoyed it for some unquantifiable reason although the art was a big quantifiable plus. ACO (or Aco? (Or aco?)) really got the job done! Especially those parts with Nick Necro wearing female undergarments. Ha cha cha cha!

The Phantom Stranger #16

Hopefully this cover means Etrigan is on his way.

First off, Wii Fit is a little bitch. Fuck that knob-gobbling piece of shit (no offense to knob-gobblers! Blessed are the gobblers of knobs and the munchers of rugs!)! So I hooked up the Wii Fit a few days ago because I wanted to remember what it was like to sweat and I prefer not to do anything in public where I might actually have to interact with human beings. So it weighs me on the first day and tests my balance and all that bullshit. Then on the second day, it weighs me again and says I've lost two pounds. It then goes on to say that weight often fluctuates by about two pounds every day so be sure to weigh yourself at the same time each day! As if I eat and shit on a strict schedule. So then it weighed me again today and I was up one and a half pounds from yesterday. Which I figure is part of that two pound fluctuation. But does the Wii Fit say "You know, weight often fluctuates by up to two pounds!" today? No! The fucking Wii Fit says, "Why the fuck did you get so fat, fatty?" And then it brings up a list of reasons to choose from so it can shame me on my choices! And was one of those choices, "I did everything right so it must be that fluctuation thing you told me about"? Fuck no! It was all "Snacking" and "Eating too much" and "Being a gross pig" and "Lazy bastard" and "I eat like a fucking monster." Fuck you, Wii Fit! Although I did have to admit that my snacking was a problem the past two days since the Mother-in-Common-Law sent a big box of Valentine's Day cookies.

I should record my comic book reviews and release them as podcasts for people who don't have three minutes of free time to read them. People like listening to shit and exerting no effort for their entertainment, right? I think that was one of Wii Fit's choices as to why I'm so Goddamned fat: "Cannot bring myself to spend calories on reading and can only hit play button with long stick from lying position in pool of congealed lard."

This issue begins with John Constantine in a straight jacket in The House of Mystery. I don't know why that is and it causes a bit of anxiety that maybe I missed a Forever Evil: Blight issue somewhere along the line! Blight had just been defeated and Chris the Babysitter had become Chris the Redeemer. Constantine could feel Zatanna and the other magic users being held by The Crime Syndicate in some thing called a Thaumaton. Perhaps that's why he went crazy? I hope the story explains itself fairly quickly because I hate reading comic books with that nagging sense I should know what's happening but possibly don't because of my memory. The whole reason for this blog was to never feel that feeling again!

Oh, thank you, Nightmare Nurse! You have cured me of my crippling anxiety!

While Constantine is out, Justice League Dark doesn't have much to do. He's the one that knows where they need to go next. Now they just have to kill time until he regains his sanity and can tell them where to go. I don't know how Pandora and the Swamp Thing are filling the long stretches until they can get back to work but I kind of hope they're doing what The Phantom Stranger and Nightmare Nurse are.

Even the House wants them to fuck. Speaking of fucking and The House of Mystery, does it ever get laid? Does it pound its chimney into The House of Secret's backdoor? Is it weird that I'd pay good money to watch that porn?

Instead of Nightmare Nurse getting a little Phantom Stranger, they decide to take a trip into Constantine's mind. The Phantom Stranger totally pusses out because he has (mocking trill in my voice) a wife and family. Sure, they're dead and they weren't really his wife and family anyway but he still uses it as the excuse for why he can't hoist the mainsail. I think that's bullshit. I bet kissing Christ ruined The Phantom Stranger for every other person in existence. Where do you go after that? I suppose where you go is second base with Christ but the fucking Romans ruined the moment. Garden of Gethsemane? More like the Garden of GetSomeIfYouKnowWhatIMean!

Meanwhile Pandora, Deadman, Swamp Thing, and Zauriel aren't going to be any help if they can't even ascribe the speech bubbles to the proper speakers.

The Phantom Stranger remembers an episode of Degrassi Junior High he once saw where Caitlin thinks she might be a lesbian and that she's in love with her English teacher and that maybe her English teacher loves her back because she gives her good grades and she winds up having sex dreams about her teacher. And then The Phantom Stranger realizes that isn't going to help in this situation, so he tricks John into fighting his own demons and Constantine drives away the madness. And they all lived happily ever after for the next five minutes as John got dressed. And then they got back to work looking for Zatanna and the other magic users. I hope they don't find Madame Xanadu. God I hate that barn owl.

The group realizes The Crime Syndicate's evil little plan is taking place in Nanda Parbat because that's the first place that anybody would have guessed they were holed up doing their little magic experiments. No, maybe the second place. My first guess would have been San Francisco, possibly Berkeley. Nanda Parbat would have been my second guess. But for the magic loving freaks of the DC Universe, this is where they would have picked if they weren't busy with all that making shitty plans fighting Blight business. If they had just sat down at a table with some Earl Grey and biscuits to discuss the matter calmly, one of them would have said, "If I were a mega-evil bunch of dopplegangers from a mirror world, where would I go to most effectively use the magicians I've kidnapped?" And Constantine would have snapped his fingers and pointed at Swamp Thing and, in unison, they would have said, "Nanda ParliamentofTreesbat!" And Swamp Thing would have said alone, "Oh yeah. Your answer makes more sense. They're probably in Nanda Parbat." And so that's where The Phantom Stranger takes them with his Mysterious Ways Power.

Fuck you, Zauriel! Like The Phantom Stranger wants this fucking bullshit power crap anyway! He's only been trying to figure out how to lose this job for 2000 years! And now you tell him all he had to do was abuse his heavenly expense account?! No problem!

John's plan now rests on Deadman's shoulders. As The Sea King, he's able to walk up to the front door and ask nicely to be let inside to take a look at the project. And everybody is supposed to say, "Oh hey! You were dead and shit but this isn't weird at all! Come on up!"

Felix Faust and Nick Necro are fucking chimps. I mean chumps! Damn typo! Now I'm picturing Faust with his dick in an ape's ass as it howls away and jerks off Nick Necro's dick painted like a banana.

As Sea King is let inside, the rest of The Justice League Dark follow invisibly after. Success!

The Phantom Stranger #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. I don't have time to say how much I enjoyed this comic book because I have to get ready for work now. If only I had a patron to support me, I wouldn't be leaving this end statement half finished.

Pandora #7

Wouldn't this cover look great in crayon?!

I thought about doing the rest of the Forever Evil: Blight issue commentaries in crayon but then decided it would just feel like trying desperately to hold on to the magic of my Constantine #10 commentary. Plus I need to buy more crayons. Preferably one of the large boxes with the built-in crayon sharpener. Although I have a feeling that if I did the crayon version of every comic book I read from here on out, this blog could become a huge hit. That's the kind of gimmick that people love to see one time and then never remember seeing a few months later. But who needs longevity in this day and age, right? I don't think that actually exists anymore.

Part of my theory for the Blight story line was that Chris was a Christ-figure and he was going to have to be betrayed by The Phantom Stranger and martyred in order to save the world. But now with this cover, it looks like "Light" is what is going to be needed to defeat "Blight." I guess one doesn't negate the other. The Light of Chris will defeat the evil in men's souls. But probably not women's. Their evil is always so much more personal and hurtful! Men are like, "I'm going to be super evil because I want the most shit and power! Whoever gets in my way will be struck down!" And women are all, "I'm going to be super evil to just you, on the down low, because you didn't notice my new hair cut. And I will fucking destroy you for it, no matter how long it takes." Children are just plain, "I'm fucking evil, motherfucker! Give me all the attention and all the candy! Fuck your needs and desires! Deal with me!"

Last time we saw The Mini-JLD, they had just returned to heaven with a new partner: Zauriel. He has decided to help Constantine in his quest to save Zatanna because he believes in love. What a naive bitch.

They're like a bunch of tarot cards. Or a new Chess Set. Hmm. I wonder if I should design a chessboard game pitting these seven against Blight and the last six Sins?

Pandora reveals that when she was in Heaven, she was simply asked by Dog, "What are you?" She seemed to know who she was at various points along her 10,000 year life but now she's at a loss. What the fuck is left of a person after 10,000 years? Can you continue to grow or do your edges just get constantly worn away year after year by tedium and entropy? What kind of goals can you have when you have all the time in the world to obtain them? Seems like whatever you wanted, you could eventually get. Whatever you believed would eventually not make any sense as the world changed around you. According to notes made by my first grade teacher on my report card, I'm roughly the exact same person I was at six that I am now at forty-two. And every new generation that appears really isn't any different than the one before it, no matter how much more wise they like to think they are with modern thoughts. But they'll learn. We were all at that peak of youthful passion at one point or another. We all thought the same thoughts and knew how the world should be and how we'd all get along. But as the years pass, you see yourself betrayed by your own generation, stabbed in the back by the power hungry and materialistic masses that never felt the same way at all and continued to perpetuate the institutionalized bullshit that you thought your generation was going to change. Imagine seeing how human culture never really changes either, even after 10,000 years. I imagine I'd feel pretty weary and bitter by this time. Youthful optimism would be long gone, leaving me just a mass of bristling, resentful, raggedly raw nerves. Completely cynical. Angry. Hateful. Burnt out. Hell, fuck ten thousand years! That sounds like me now!

At least Pandora still has her looks.

This is pretty close, in a metaphorical way, to what I was just saying!

This brings to bear the one truly new thing that I hope can make a difference. The internet. Before the internet, the lights were mostly isolated. People cultivated friendships with others that felt the same way about positive change. But they were still surrounded by mostly shallow, uncaring people. Ideas could be shared but it took a lot more effort and they had to fight across vast expanses of darkness to alight on like minds. But the internet enables all like minds to connect. Maybe that will be a good thing. Although it might also be bad, seeing as how movements tend to fracture and split over petty differences. Perhaps the internet will just increase the pace that movements devolve into multiple movements that share basically the same goal but bicker and fight over the particulars. I know I see this all the time on Tumblr and I like to think most of it is just youthful passion looking for any opponent and that that will be tempered with time. I know that I've been written off by people quite a few times simply due to my facetious nature on this blog and I don't always treat certain subjects with the proper gravitas others believe is required. That's fine. Every individual can only interpret things the way they interpret things and if I anger somebody, I can't be upset at them for lashing out at me. I often say stupid things for a laugh, say crass things for satirical purposes, and can get plain disgusting in some people's eyes if they think masturbation should not be talked about (and celebrated!) in a public place.

In the end, the only thing I really hope for all of us looking to improve our society is that we concentrate our attacks on the darkness rather than trying to prove that our light shines brighter than the other lights.

Oh look. Fawkes continues with the lights as well.

You should just ignore all of that previous shit. Just remember this: Scott Lobdell is the true evil.

Pandora comes to the conclusion that she can become host to the Light just as Chris is host to the Blight. That's nicely symmetrical, right? And she believes that the world still has a chance to be saved as long as there is still hope. But Chris's last name is Esperanza which means hope! So as long as Chris lives, Blight can be defeated! The Justice League Dark must take care to win Chris the Redeemer back to their side so that he can banish The Blight from his body.

This new incarnation of the Seven Soldiers of Victory meet Blight and his army in the middle of the George Washington Bridge in New York. But the real crux of the battle is the hand-to-hand combat between Pandora and Chris, Light and Blight. Pandora uses the light of everyone around the world with any kindness within them. In Constantine #10, Pandora said she was shown the goodness within each of her companions. And now she uses that knowledge to help make her stronger. And she's able to drive The Blight away.

For now! This Crossover is far from over!

Pandora and The Phantom Stranger take mercy on Chris and let him live. I believe that's the right thing to do although Constantine wants them to kill him. And he's kind of proven right when The Blight retakes Chris who begins choking the shit out of The Phantom Stranger. But that's just because this story has many more issues to go. Like keeping Gollum alive in The Lord of the Rings, the team will eventually only defeat The Blight by keeping hope alive. Hope being Christ the Babysitter!

Blight dissipates The Phantom Stranger before being tackled off the bridge by Pandora where they both sink to the bottom of the river. John asks himself, "What do we do now, John?" and Zauriel answers, "What do you think?" What he thinks is that they need to finish the fight once and for all, so it looks like they're going to have to take a dip into the river. Or get Deadman to fish Pandora and Blight out.

Pandora #7 Rating: +2 Ranking. Another good chapter in The Blight Crossover even though it didn't really afford any opportunities for vulgarity and mean-spirited comments.

Justice League Dark #26

I'm going to pretend that I don't know what the Sea King just did to them but their gaping mouths tell the story all too well.

Last issue of the Blight Crossover, the Mini-Justice League Dark cast a spell that allowed them to all die but not be dead somehow at the same time. Being killed kept them from being killed. It's magic! It's complicated and/or irrational! Like praying! Except praying is acceptable because people have been taught to accept it while magic is scary because people have been taught not to accept it! I suppose the other difference is that people don't like to think that they have any power within themselves, so magic is arrogant and blasphemous. But prayer is okay because you're just asking for a super-being to do magic which is okay somehow.

I'm also now wishing that the Justice League Dark had a nemesis named Blasphemouse! He could be a humanoid mouse that casts black magic and shouts things like "Jesus sucks dick!" and "God lives in my asshole!" Boy, that mouse really is blasphemous! Saying stuff like that! What a jerk!

This issue, I predict the Sea King will make me yawn eighteen times! Except if he's the opposite of Aquaman then that makes him cool and really likeable! It also makes him the opposite of taciturn, whatever that is. Is it perky? I think it's perky! It's hard to know for sure when I don't really know the definition of taciturn! I do know that it's making me hungry for tacos. How come the breakfast burrito exists but not the breakfast taco? That kind of pisses me off a little bit.

While John and the Mini-Justice League Dark float about in their Dead Space wondering how being dead can give them the advantage over Blight, Blight appears to recap what has happened so far in this crossover. I thought that being dead was going to give them an advantage because Blight wouldn't know their consciousnesses were still extant somewhere. But I guess I'm an idiot and there is some other advantage they've gained by dying. Because Blight sure as poop knows they can still here him because he's taunting the sexual intercourse out of them.

Although John meets Deadman while dead and he shouldn't be here because he's trapped in Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix. So this must be that side effect that was hinted at last issue. They're just reliving their deaths over and over again. So Helpful, Synopsis-Giving Blight was probably just an illusion of some sort. Just like Deadman. And probably everybody so far except John! Because this is John's head's death hallucination! I wonder if his body gets its own vision?

If I ever lose my head, nobody cremate me! I might just be in a mystic coma!

Constantine makes a joke about Deadman being alive and then threatens to go after Boston Brand alone. Maybe he's still in the thrall of the Mark of the Dun-Kon-Wen! I bet Justice League Dark runs for 250 issues before a new writer comes on board and begins a story line where they all wake up from their real mystic coma and the past 225 issues were all hallucinations and dreams. Also, that future writer is a smart-ass dick!

The Phantom Stranger and Terrance Thirteen ditch the Mini-Justice League Dark to look for The Babysitter. The others confirm that Deadman was not a hallucination and Pandora determines where he is. So the group goes all Bedknobs and Broomsticks to find him.

Except it's a bit more like Whaleknobs and Fishdicks.

The Mini-Justice League Dark discover the Atlantis before Atlantis, a place called Nan Madol. It's probably some place mentioned in some Young Adult Fantasy Book or was made up by Coast to Coast "experts" on Edgar Cayce. I'll ask Lord Google about it.

Lord Google informs me that it is an actual place located somewhere that is not America so it really doesn't matter much. But many legends surround it and one of those is that it is "identified with R'lyeh, the sunken city in which Cthulhu reputedly lies, 'Dead, but dreaming' in the H.P. Lovecraft short story 'The Call of Cthulhu.'" Other people with names I don't recognize connect it to Mu and Lemuria which is why Constantine mentions those lost continents. He calls them all myth which seems silly since he knows so much about magic. You'd think Constantine would be one of those people that believes a little bit in everything. How else do you cast a spell that allows you to survive being decapitated and just trust that you'll be okay?

What they find in Nan Madol is the Sea King possessed by the ancient magic of the city. He also might be a little bit possessed by Deadman. But the Mini-Justice League Dark will probably have to drive out the forces of Nan Madol from The Sea King's head before Deadman can free himself.

Things escalate quickly.

Looks like the zombified version of The Trench story is about to take place.

Pandora lets Constantine know that The Sea King is also Deadman which should have been obvious to Constantine. Maybe he's still a little groggy from the decapitation earlier. Or the pressure of the ocean is making it hard to think straight, what with his brain and other organs being crushed by the weight of the water.

On the surface, The Sea King and his Water Zombies attack a boat full of white people. So I guess this legendary Nan Madol isn't located where the non-legendary Nan Madol is since it's in Micronesia. I suppose that doesn't rule out the possibility of a fishing boat full of white people who love to talk about their wives' blue eyes but it seems it would be more likely if fantasy Nan Madol were located closer to the shores of the United States. So I'm going to pretend it's a few miles off the coast of Seattle.

Before the Sea King can discover how much the air-breathing citizens of Earth love mocking his counterpart, Constantine puts a magic knife in his head and drives out the spirits of Nan Madol. That leaves Boston Brand in control of The Sea King's body. Now is he going to go undercover with The Crime Syndicate where he'll find out that Superwoman's baby is actually his?! You just know that Aquaman is always at the top of Lois Lane's Celebrity Fuck List.

Constantine was too thick to realize Boston was inside The Sea King but he never misses an opportunity for a good con! And what better guy to go undercover than Boston Brand? Again. Actually, I think that's all he's really good for.

The final page is a bit of a preview of what The Phantom Stranger has been up to. What else but betrayal? He's joined forces with The Blight and there's no way he's faking it or conning The Blight at all! He's definitely turned traitor! Again! Actually, I think that's all he's really good for.

Justice League Dark #26 Rating: +1 Ranking. At least they didn't battle the Blight the entire time! And I'm glad that they set up infiltrating The Crime Syndicate with Dead Sea King. Oh man, I am so excited for the revelation that Sea King is actually the father of Superwoman's baby!