Superman #21

I guess this creature's name is Black Dawn?

The Review!
No change! Apparently there was a mystery happening in this comic book that I wasn't aware of until it deepened like crazy this issue. Batman's still missing (which is a mystery I knew about!) so he doesn't solve the new mystery instantly. He may already have solved it but since he's in the Dairy Farmer's walk-in freezer right now, he can't explain it to anybody. The mystery of all mysteries is who the fuck is the Dairy Farmer and his daughter and their cow Bessie?! Are they New Gods?! Watchmen? Sex cyborgs? Apparently they're somehow keeping Jon's powers in check so that he doesn't hurt himself. But they have powers of their own. Like the Dairy Farmer can look deep into a dog's eyes and make it fall in love. And the daughter can make heat vision beams miss her completely while strangling Damian without using her hands. And Bessie the cow can make milk that Spider-man once wore as his costume in the nineties until it turned on him. So that's some weird shit that's going down in Hamilton County.

Another weird thing is the house in Deadman's Swamp. I'm still hoping it's the House of Mystery since this story is all about mysteries. At the end of this issue, Superman heads off to investigate it.

In other news, somebody on Tumblr was upset that I tagged my Batwoman review with the Batwoman tag because the content wasn't to their liking. It always amuses me when young people think they have the rules to the Internet and other people should act exactly as they do. The Superboy fandom once got on my dick about my Superboy tags too, a long time ago. They didn't like that I was mocking Superboy because it was written so terribly. They would rather believe that no matter what shitty writer was writing Superboy, everybody should still say nice things about him. But that's what's ruining comic books! You have to speak out loudly against shitty writers even if it means mocking your favorite characters! You can't just love them unconditionally or else you'll spend years reading Teen Titans comic books written by Scott Lobdell! And you'll fucking deserve it too!

Superman #20

Is this going to be a Mad Men crossover?

Superman could learn a lot from Don Draper. Just let Superman watch Don Draper for a few weeks and Superman will hopefully begin to feel shame for all of his non-Superman behaviors. Although Superman probably isn't that self-reflective. He'd probably just label Don Draper a super villain and then punch him in the face. It's also possible Superman would just be completely charmed by Don Draper's alpha male chocolaty center and realize the true power of being Superman: loads of side-pussy! Having a comic book starring Don Draper and Clark Kent would be like every Batman story where the antagonist is just like The Batman except without privilege! Clark and Don are both secret identities. They both grew up on poor farms. They both took on careers where they basically lie to the public. And both of them wound up fucking women that they work with! Aside from the drinking and smoking and whoring around, they're the same person! Just like in those Batman stories. It's just Clark had the privilege of staying on a farm where he was loved and never moving into a brothel.

Fuck you, Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason. Fuck you forever.

While I seethe and fume and try not to break down into tears (again!), Superman flies over Hamilton County swinging his big red and blue dick. Everybody in Hamilton County looks up and thinks, "Sure have been a lot of Superman sightings since the Smiths bought that farm!" They might seem happy and content now but just wait until they're saying things like "Sure have been a lot of Doomsday sightings since the Smiths bought that farm!"

The Smiths are now the Kents because that's enough of that "these aren't the real Superman and Lois Lane" nonsense. Everything is now integrating nicely because DC Comics wrote a story that told readers to forget that they fucked up everything and please maybe allow them to return things to normal without saying too much about it, hanh? Mxyzptlk helped convince the world that Superman and Clark Kent weren't actually the same person so now it's okay for Clark Smith to take back the role. Plus he's been infused with New 52 Superman essence so he has a right to take back the Clark Kent life and bank account and 401k. Should I have used the word "infused"? Maybe I should have said "infected"?

A storm (or Black Dawn?!) is moving in so the Kents spend their time in the basement playing pool. That's one of my main memories from the first time I visited Kansas when I was like five years old. Everybody had these crazy elaborate furnished basements and most of them had a pool table. Apparently some slick salesman made his way through the Midwest convincing everybody that the best thing to do during a tornado was sink some balls in some corner pockets. Um, wink, wink!

Lois brings up what happened to them and how they're somehow composed of blue and red lightning now and Clark is all, "Shh! Shh! Things are better now. Don't question it." And Lois is all, "Fuck you, you patriarchal piece of shit! How dare you silence my voice simply because it's not convenient for you! I'm a fucking Pulitzer winner, you Pulitzerless Punk!"

Later that night, Batman and Robin decide to skulk around in Clark's barn making farting noises until Clark is forced to stop rubbing his erection on Lois's ass as she pretends to sleep because she is not in the mood to fuck a sexist motherfucker right now. Clark gets dressed in his Superman costume and heads out to the barn to find out why the richest man in Gotham is lurking in his cow's shit. Jon also suits up and sneaks out to see what's going on. He just hears that Batman is there to discuss Superboy when Lois grabs him by the ear. She came out to investigate why Clark's cock wasn't rubbing up against her ass anymore, especially since she was just about to give in because who can say no to that Kryptonian D (aside from Lex Luthor)?

I can still hate Pat and Pete forever while grudgingly appreciating the composition of this panel.

I'm still chuckling about Batman deciding to go up to talk to Superman and he doesn't phone or send a Justice League transmission or just have Alfred walk up and knock on the door to inform Clark that Bruce Wayne is waiting to speak with him in the back of the limousine. No, he decides to head to the farm and hide in the barn until Superman comes out to investigate. How can people say he isn't a great father? Damian must love this shit. In fact, Bruce is probably doing this to bond with his son. "Hey, what say we go hide in Superman's barn and see how long it takes him to figure out we're there?"

Lois invites everybody in to eat some pie but not before they hose off the cow shit all over them. Batman stubbornly refuses to look human by enjoying Lois's pie. Um, wink, wink!

Batman has just come up to check on Jon and his erratic superpowers. Clark, being the nice one of the two, doesn't ask if Damian has decapitated anybody lately. I mean, seriously, Batman. Take out the mole in your own eye before digging up Clark's pupils or whatever that Biblical saying is. I'm an atheist so I don't have to know it exactly.

After all the tests they've run on Jon, Batman's conclusion is that Jon just isn't living up to his potential. Batman thinks he should be more powerful by now. I bet Batman's answer is to jump-start Jon's puberty. How about we get a prostitute in here, stat?!

Batman decides something in the environment is keeping Jon from reaching his full potential. He decides to investigate the Cobb Family Dairy Farm. He probably thinks that the thing holding Jon back is being put into the milk by Old Man Cobb. But I bet he finds out the thing holding Jon back is Young Woman Cobb! Jon is probably subconsciously frightened of pulling a Goldie on his best friend, so he's repressing his powers. Also he's hoping to kiss her and doesn't want to blow her brains out the back of her head when the excitement of his first kisses causes him to lose control of his heat vision.

Batman sneaks into another barn (Bessie, the prize winning cow's barn this time!) to test Bessie's milk. When he adds his Bat Testing Liquid to the milk, it freaks out and turns into that stuff that Spider-Man's black costume was made of and/or some kind of Swamp Thing crap. The black stuff engulfs Batman as Old Man Cobb wanders in and says, "Oh ho! Another trouble-maker! I'll put him with the rest of them!"

Oh no! A mystery! And of course Batman's gut instincts were correct. That's just what Batman needs: more confirmation that anything he believes may as well be proven fact.

The Ranking!
+2! I hate to award animal murdering psychopaths but I have to admit when a comic book is shining a light on how DC Comics should be writing comic books. This comic book exemplifies what the DC Universe should be (aside from all the pet murder). Batman skulking with Robin in Superman's barn is the best Batman.

Superman #19

I wonder if most imps in the 5th Dimension have fairly normal names so they can't get away with pranking the 3rd Dimension as easily.

This issue begins with Jon slipping out of the 3rd Dimension and into Mxy's secret basement molestation lair. I'm sorry but it had to be said. We're all thinking that a little old man in an odd hat stealing a kid to hide him away and play games is obviously an analogy for a sexual predator but most of us have too much class and/or fear of being scolded by righteously indignant Internet users to say it: Jon is about to be diddleplked.

Lois has forgotten about Jon because she's lucky. She's also forgotten that she saw a bunch of 5th Dimensional beings pleading for her help inside a snow globe owned by Mr. Mxyzptlk. That's okay. Most visitors to the Fortress of Solitude soon forget the jar full of little people pleading for help too. It's easier to pretend you imagined something so horrific, especially when Superman's underwear is hanging off the rim of the bottle.

Superman wants to play the game with Mxy now but Mxy is still peeved from being forgotten. I think the game might be a bit more Saw- or Cube-like this time around. Did I punctuate that correctly? Oh, who the fuck cares? Judging by the amount of exclamation points I use, nobody thinks I'm a fucking grammar genius!

Mxy transports Clark and Lois to his newfangled, more dangerous gameworld. It looks far more dangerous than Cube. I think it's more like Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

Hmm. Is that the explanation for Cube? It was a modern day Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? I wonder what kind of candy the autistic guy began making after he won?

Superman didn't even read that contract. Does he think he can punch it into smithereens later if he just signed his life away?

Before Superman agrees to play, Mxy says some vague stuff about red energy in the other Superman and Preboot Superman's essence being blue energy. Great. Are we going to get a twenty year retooling of the reasoning behind red and blue electric Superman? That's nothing nobody has been not clamoring for. That may have been Bizarro speak, depending on what I meant and what it actually means. I probably shouldn't use so many negatives in one sentence. That sentence's glass was totally half empty, amirite?

In his prison, Jon meets two balls of red electricity that sound like Clark and Lois. Can't we just let New 52 Clark and Lois rest in peace? Do they have to somehow integrate with Preboot Clark and Lois? Is that something we really need? It's not like Golden Age Superman ever had to join with Silver Age Superman to make sense of the DC Universe. Although it made super sexy sense when they joined in my Goldver Age Superman Slash Fiction.

The game Mxy plays with Superman is just a double splash page of a board game with a giant Mxy over it screaming, "I win! I win!" That's terrible. Pete and Pat are skipping over the most interesting bit of this story! The fun part of a Mxy story is the game. It's the competition and the outwitting of the little imp. But in this issue, it's just Mxy yelling, "I win!" And then Superman and Lois looking deep into each other's eyes and saying, "Stay! Don't forget!" And then they win instead! So anticlimactic. This is the worst Mr. Mxyzptlk story ever.

But then, to be fair (even though I totally don't have to be!), Mxy isn't really in a game playing mood this time. He's just out to hurt Superman because Superman hurt his feelings. I guess it's going to work since Superman signed that stupid contract without reading it. It probably says that no matter what happens, Mxy gets to put six things of his choosing up Superman's asshole.

Jon gets the balls of red electricity to help him escape from prison. Once free, they take the shape of New 52 Superman and Lois. They're still covered in the red electricity. Let me guess: Dan Jurgens came up with the idea to bring back Red and Blue Electricity Superman, right?

The Ranking!
No change! I don't really mind if Preboot Superman was really just half of New 52 Superman or vice versa. I don't mind if they need to be merged to make Rebirth work. Just, please, let this story be the end of it and nobody ever again mention how Preboot Superman somehow doesn't fit into the Rebirth world. Let's just accept him as the real Superman who has always been Superman, the one who is friends with Batman, and just get on with our lousy, unsatisfying, comic book reading lives.

Superman #18

While Superman runs away crying and rending his garments, Lois and Jon look on bored.

The issue begins with these words which I'm too dumb to understand: "Time answers. Space questions. Matter questions. Energy answers." Why? Why do you think it works that way, Narrator? I can see how time answers because cause and effect only work through time. So it takes time to answer a question posed in a moment. I guess that moment is space and matter? Space and matter just sort of sit there not answering anything. I guess not answering means they're questioning. And then energy also answers because it takes effort to answer a query? Is that how it works? Or should I not be asking questions (being that I'm not space (although I am matter taking up space?))? Should I just nod along, take another hit of marijuana, and think, "Yeah! That fucking sounds right. Profound!"?

Well, this was just beginning to get sexy until Doctor Oz put a stop to the fun. Prude!

Tim Drake yells from his cage, "Someone got out!" Beside Tim Drake, in separate cages, are Doomsday, Prophecy, and probably Ambush Bug. Unless Ambush Bug is the one that got out? Oh man. I hope Ambush Bug is the one who got out!

Doctor Oz seems to know that he once lost a prisoner. And that prisoner has escaped to some blasted world with a broken obelisk (kind of like, say, a ruined statue that people should look on and despair?). Carved into the stone, over and over again, are pleas for Superman to save whoever scrawled the messages. Alongside the messages are images of Superman and Ma and Pa Kent and Clark Kent and the Daily Planet and the Superman logo. Who left these messages?! Probably Ambush Bug. He began his superhero career obsessed with Superman, remember?!

Back on Earth-Main-Earth, it's the Smiths' wedding anniversary! You know the Smiths! They used to be the Whites! Remember? And before the Whites, when they lived on a different Earth in the Preboot universe, they were the Kents! Come on, try to keep up!

While the family is busy opening gifts, Clark Kent stops by to drop off a gift of his own. Uh oh! Maybe I should finish the Mild Mannered story in Action Comics #974 before getting into this Superman Reborn story arc! Okay. I'm going to go do that first! Be right back!

Okay! I'm done with Action Comics #974. Basically all I needed to know was that Clark Kent has learned where Lois lives and that she's somehow betrayed him. For some reason, he thinks he and Lois are destined to be together. Since I left off with Clark Kent dropping off a photo album for the Smith anniversary, I realized reading Action Comics that the photo album probably fell through a DC Continuity wormhole from the Preboot Universe. Where else could Clark have gotten the idea that he belongs with Lois? The album is probably of Clark and Lois's Preboot wedding.

The album has pictures of Preboot Clark Kent's life. Unless it's Rebirth Clark Kent's life which looks just like Preboot Clark Kent's life! Whatever the case, Clark Kent disappears just like he disappeared going into his apartment in Metropolis. I thought Clark Kent's secret was going to be revealed in the Mild Mannered story but it wasn't. So now I have to wait until this four issue series concludes to find out who or what he is?! I'm sick of this guy!

After Clark disappears, the Smith family home goes up in flames. So does Jon! But they're not real flames. They're more like Langolier flames. They're erasing time and space that shouldn't exist. I know they'll figure out some way to stop the flames or else the Supersons comic book won't have an Issue #2.

The Smith farmhouse disappears and Jon goes along with it. Instead of being sad, Lois and Clark become angry. Because they know who's behind it which means they have an ass they can kick.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm surprised Pete and Pat didn't wipe out a whole bunch of animals along with the house and Jon. They could have introduced a cute little gerbil named Raquel and then BAM! Wiped from existence. HA HA HA! Take that, lovers of animals! Then they could have had a parrot land on Lois's shoulder and be all, "Love me! Love me!" Then BAM! Erased from reality! I bet that would have given Pete and Pat some serious boners. Jerks.

Superman #11

Maybe Clark should think twice about letting Jon hang with Damian.

The Review!
+1 Ranking. The boys don't necessarily learn to work together so much as Clark and Bruce learn their sons work as well together as their fathers do. I suppose their relationship has been good enough all these years that they really don't need to worry too much about Jon and Damian's.

Speaking of Bruce and Clark's relationship, I'm hoping that this story is a sign of things to come. They act like old Bruce and old Clark without anybody having to mention how new this relationship is really supposed to be. I'm hoping Rebirth will just slowly faze in the old relationship and nobody will ever remember that this Clark isn't Bruce's real Clark. The fans just want them to have history, and we want it to be the history we will never accept is truly gone. So, DC Comics, how about just getting on the same page as the fans? This is just a story about two old friends reunited after some time apart having each raised a son. And now they hope their sons will find the same treasures they did in the friendship they share.

Superman #10

Now kiss! Not the kids, you whacko perv!

The Review!
I really need to just read a bunch of comic books and then write quick reviews on each so I can catch up. But how can I not express how my heart grew three sizes this day when I turned to the second page to see that the person Jon Smith bumped into at school is Maya Nobody?! This is almost the same feeling I get when I watch Degrassi Junior High!

It turns out Maya was sent to spy on Superboy by the control freak's son, Control Freak Junior. But Jon almost burns down a forest and Maya steps in and...well, they wind up in the Batcave so that Robin can express to Jon what I've been expressing to Tomasi and Gleason for months now.

You tell him, Damian! I mean, it's not really his fault. It's the fault of the writers, Monstrous Tomasi and Grotesque Gleason!

So the stuff that I usually talk about happens like Maya laughing at Jon's joke at Robin's expense and Alfred praising Jon for being so much more civil than the Robins he's known. Then I would usually have some terribly opinionated opinions about things and insult a good three percent of my readers. Then they probably never read another review I write which is okay because the terribly opinionated opinions I said would have made somebody with a keener sense of humor laugh and they would make up for my loss in readership. But for now, I just have to get by with a few quick words and a few scans. I'm over sixty comics behind and I just want to catch up to the weekly books!

Finally! My favorites! The Bat-Pets!

Robin's grin after that Goldie remark is only bested by the following page where Superboy wipes it off his face by punching him in the stomach. Like fathers, like sons, I suppose.

The kids get in a brawl and only stop when Superman and Batman glare mightily at them. I think I'm going to like these kids. I definitely like Jon a whole lot more than when I first pretended I hated him because kid characters are usually annoying. But I've liked Damian since he first appeared. It wasn't hard to choose Damian as my favorite Robin when the other choices are boring Tim Drake, fangasm Jason Todd, and run-of-the-mill Dick Grayson. I mean, I like Dick now! (You are not allowed to use that out of context!) But he was crap for a long time. And Jason Todd isn't the poor little poor boy hunka-hunka manbeef Jason Todd fans have deluded them into thinking he is. He's just an ass, and as of the last few years, a poorly written ass. But Damian is a firecracker! He's decapitated more people than all of the other Robins put together!

+1 Ranking.

Superman #6

At least Eradicator isn't wearing an obviously unneeded belt.

The Facts!
• Last night I dreamed about the URL tiegue.tumblr.com. Unfortunately, it's just a tumblr page which exists without posts. Stupid dream head. Why couldn't you dream up an interesting tumblr?! Idiot.

• I often read in my dreams (not long texts! Just bits and pieces. Like URLs or signs or tumblr responses to putting tiegue in the search followers box to see if they follow me on tumblr) and occasionally I'll write as well. But while I often wake up remembering thoughts I've had which fuel later writing, I can never remember anything I physically write in a dream. Except for once! One time I woke myself up as I read what I had written and jotted it down before it could flee my mind. It was this: "Still the water continued to boil and churn, so much that even if a million hives of bees had been sunk there, it would not have been enough."

• This issue begins with Superman realizing that this is Issue #6 and that the story needs to end quickly so that it will fit neatly into the usual sized trade paperback. Up until now, he had no incentive to end the battle. I suppose trying to keep his family alive could be incentive but, I mean, is it really? Really?

Eradicator sounds like every Sea Lion on Twitter. "Why are you so angry, Superman? I'm just asking questions! Why don't you just answer my totally harmless questions that are simply based on mere curiosity and not on an agenda at all?!"

• I think it took me six issues to realize that The Eradicator is a racist! Previously, I was just all, "Oh yeah! He's just super proud of being Kryptonian! Nothing wrong with that! That's a totally normal and patriotic thing to do when you can't find any real reasons to love yourself or others!" And now I'm all, "Did he just use the term 'half-breed'? Why would he...oh. I see what Kryptonian Pride actually stands for!"

• Some of you might be thinking, "How the fuck did you not realize he was a racist, Tess?! He's called The Eradicator! He's been trying to stomp out Jon's human side since the beginning! He's violently Pro-Kryptonian!" To you I'd respond, "Are you familiar with my blog?! I lie about shit to say other shit all of the time! Obviously I knew he was racist! And to prove I totally knew, I'm going to go back and change my previous commentaries to make sure I've said it previously!"

• I hope I actually did mention it previously so that now those mentions themselves are totally suspect!

• Clarity is not something I care about. Obfuscation is fun! I put the fu...n in obfuscation!

• In his zeal to defend his family, Superman destroys the moon. I mean, technically it's still there. But now it has a big hole straight through it and a large chunk has collapsed in on itself thanks to Batman's lunar excavations. On the plus side, Eclipso's property values probably just went way down.

• Superman's plan to defeat Eradicator involves a term I assume I'm just now coining: Kryptokake.

• I wish I had coined the phrase "to coin a phrase."

• Superman left Krypto behind in The Eradicator to help defeat The Eradicator. It seems weird that a purity freak like The Eradicator would think of a Kryptonian Dog as just another Kryptonian soul. I guess even disgusting racist dickholes love dogs. I mean, I don't love dogs! Mostly because they're usually hanging around dog owners.

• Superman and Krypto kill The Eradicator. I think The Eradicator was probably mostly robot or something, right? One of those World Killers? And I suppose Superman thinks it's okay to destroy a sentient robot even if you don't think of yourself as a killer. It's easy enough to rationalize that The Eradicator's sentience was just programming. Plus it's hard to tell a story about a monster who can't be stopped if the hero isn't allowed to kill it at the end. Therefore, comic books find it acceptable to kill certain sentient beings: robots, weird aliens who don't speak English, those returned from the dead with a chip on their shoulder, Doomsday (who, I think, falls into the weird aliens who don't speak English category).

• The people of Earth look up to see a mushroom cloud on the moon. I would be so pissed if I missed seeing that!

• I took a break to go to the store and had the most emotional interaction I'll probably have with another human being all month. I was looking at the flavors of canned cat food when an old man walked up and said, "Gotta find something that damn cat will eat." I loaded some food in my basket and said, as I walked away, "Picky bastards!"

Ugh! Just like a Twitter Sea Lion! You think you've put it down and crushed it with logic and it continues to bray incoherently!

• You know, there's a huge part of me that wishes I were doing a subtle parody comic book review site for the Manosphere.

• Superman takes The Eradicator's cape and ties it around Krypto's neck. Then he puts a bandanna around his neck and renames him Harley Tats. Then I throw up.

• After nearly destroying the moon and risking major flooding around the globe in the process (that's my hot take on Superman actually being responsible and taking The Eradicator fight to the moon!), Superman fixes up the Moon Landing Stage Decorations and poses for a photo op. Now the world knows the new Superman is just as good as the old Superman (if not like five million times better because this Superman hasn't been written by Scott Lobdell!).

• Now that Krypto is back, how are Pet Murdering Bastards Pat and Pete going to bring back Goldie?! I won't forgive them until they figure it out! Jerks!

• Now that the battle is over, here's some cute stuff that I will also ruin with a hot take!

Someday in the future, Jon is going to have memories of wrestling with his nearly naked mom and it will cause...feelings.

• Superman decides it's time to finally introduce Jon to the Justice League. I wonder how long it'll be before Jon and Damian are experimenting with Power Showers?

• Batman discovers it's going to cost him ten billion dollars to fix his Lunar Batcave. Ha ha!

Come on, Batman! Cheer up! This is a Superboy we can all get behind! As opposed to that piece of shit New 52 Superboy who did nothing but ruin every single comic book he guest starred in (which was, like, all of them, I think).

The Opinions!
Is this the best Superman since The New 52 began or the greatest Superman since The New 52 began? If you think I should have thrown in a negative choice, get the fuck out of here! Your opinions are shit! If you're one of those people who defends their opinions by pointing out that all opinions are equal, you do realize that identifies you as a person with shitty opinions, right? Obviously some opinions are more well-informed than others. Like if there were two people with opinions on comic books and one of them was me, my opinion would obviously be the better one in most cases. I suppose if the other person were Grant Morrison or Gail Simone, our opinions would have about equal weight! But only in those cases! I can't think of a case where my opinion would be worse. Maybe if the other opinions were from Jesus?

Rating: +3!

Superman #4

These guys know they shouldn't kill The Eradicator until after pulling Krypto back out of his stomach, right?

The Review!
The Pet Murdering Psychopaths sometimes referred to as the writer and artist of this book go a small ways to making amends for their vile existence. For some reason, I'm a total sucker for a Hacken guest appearance. Bibbo less so but I like seeing him interact with another background character. Hacken could only dream of one day becoming as foreground as a background character can be as Bibbo has become. Some day, instead of thinking, "Who's the guy with the horrible fake hand?", at the appearance of Hacken, people will think, "Oh! It's the poor stupid idiot who chopped off his own hand after it was bitten by a zombie seal!" As you can tell, the minor characters usurped this issue. The rest of it was just Superman punching Eradicator's face off and Eradicator healing his face so he can try sucking down Jon again. What I'm saying is this comic book is trying to make up for being a total dick for the first three issues. Also, Krypto is definitely on his way back, as soon as he can find his way out of the Phantom Zone. And maybe Goldie will come back as a zombie cat and Hacken will lose his other hand!

The Commentary!
Last issue, Tomasi and Gleason decided the best thing they could do with their authorial power was to sucker punch their readers and kick them in the ribs while they were already down. Pet Murderers Tomasi and Gleason have killed two of the Smith family pets in the first three issues of this comic book. I would expect more pet killings out of these sadists but the Smiths have run out of pets. Titus, Alfred the Cat, and Batcow don't know how close they came to being tearjerker plot points! How did these two bloodthirsty bastards resist killing Damian's pets too? I suppose Batcow had immunity since Grant Morrison created Batcow and therefore only Grant Morrison can kill Batcow. But Titus and Alfred are lucky to be alive.

Mostly I'm just mad about the death of Goldie. We all know Krypto isn't really dead. He's just been transported to the Phantom Zone to have his human DNA destroyed. But since he doesn't have any human DNA, maybe something else will happen to him? I hope he doesn't lose his powers. Perhaps he'll find all of the other Super Pets in the Phantom Zone and lead them out through The Eradicator's mouth portal! By the way, what kind of a stupid name is Krypto? How many kids name their dogs Eart? Probably like only a handful of the dumbest ones, right?

This issue begins with Superman and The Eradicator locked in mortal fisticuffs which are causing the Fortress of Solitude to crash down around them. Supergirl really needs to get her act together and start her comic book series soon so she can put a stop to the destruction of her vacation place. How is Clark Smith going to repay her for damages? It's not like he still has that sweet ass, high paying journalism job where he mostly just wrote opinion pieces on how awesome Superman is and the occasional speculative piece about how huge and virile Superman's cock must be. And I doubt the Fortress of Solitude is insured. Maybe for fire or flood but no way is an insurance company going to insure Superman's arctic home for damages caused by Eradicators. They'd go out of business.

No! The portal! You've just ruined the portal! KRYYYYYYYPPTOOOOOOO!

By busting open Eradicator's mouth portal, the souls of all the Kryptonians he sucked up as Krypton exploded escape back into the world. Great! Now the Fortress of Solitude is haunted! Krypto doesn't immediately get vomited out, probably because Jon stole his cape and is now using it as part of his costume.

I know I've been given the Pet Murdering Monsters a hard time for murdering pets because they deserve to be given a hard time. They deserve to have the best comic book critic on the internet say, "Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason are the biggest fucking monsters of the 21st century and probably the 20th century as well although I will admit that point is debatable." They need to own that they are unfeeling bastards. But I also can't keep hating them because I know they're always going to wind up writing something that makes me smile through my dead cat tears. And they pulled it off this issue with the following scene:

Hacken visiting Bibbo in Metropolis? Goldie who?!

Bibbo and Hacken are arm wrestling over a moon rock. It's Hacken's moon rock so I don't know what Bibbo was betting on the outcome. His bar, maybe? Maybe he was offering to put up the money so Hacken could get a better prosthetic hand? It doesn't matter because Bibbo won. Bibbo wants to add the moon rock to his Superman collection and Hacken starts to go on about how friends you lost stay lost and don't come back. I hope that's foreshadowing about Hitman coming back!

As Hacken and Bibbo are discussing lost friends, a wave of Kryptonian souls splashes down through the ceiling depositing Superman and Superboy on the pool table. Superman is mumbling something about Krypto barking while souls fly around the room and the "moon rock" hovers over the Kryptonian and his son. Lois is there too but she's not unconscious. She's too busy writing the article in her head about the day Earth became lousy with lost Kryptonian souls.

Apparently there was some Krytponite in the moon rock which attracted all of the Kryptonian souls. I guess your senses improve when you die. Some of the souls are confused and angry and possess the bar patrons. Others talk it out with Superman and pretend to be Pa Kent to get the message to him that they're finally free. The Eradicator was keeping them from moving on because of his obsession with things never changing. Speaking of The Eradicator, he healed his face portal and has returned to Hoover up the escaping souls.

Superman doesn't want to destroy Metropolis battling the Eradicator so he sticks some bait in a submersible submarine and flies off to a safe place to battle the Eradicator: the moon! Also, the bait is his son Jon. Lois is also in the submarine, probably to keep Jon calm so he won't use up too much oxygen. Although she's probably using more oxygen than a panicked Jon. So maybe Superman just didn't want to leave any of his family behind. He can't protect them both if they're split up!

Is it safe to take a submersible into space? I know Superman explains why it should be okay but, I mean, space is not like miles underwater! It's practically the exact opposite! It's not wet at all. Oh, and the pressure is different or something. I wonder if xkcd would clear this up for me?

Superman #2

In this issue: Superman versus clouds.

The Review!
Don't think I'm going to easily forget that Pete and Pat killed Goldie the Cat last issue to manipulate the feelings of the readers! Goldie's death should be about Goldie and not about how Jon reacts to having killed Goldie! Godlie's death should not be a footnote in Jon's life! She was a person! Well, a cat! But that probably makes it even worse because cats are cute and adorable! I can't wait until my new website, Kittens in Refrigerators, is up and running so I can really lay into Peter J. Tomasi! What a jerk! By the way, this issue was as good as it could possibly be after having the entire series be ruined by the Goldie's death scene! So, you know, it was enjoyable! But I still hate you, Tomasi and Gleason! With burning rage! I will probably write a poem about it later!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Superman and his son, Jon, flying out to help an Icebreaker caught in the ice. Well, well! You thought you had the perfect name for your ship, didn't you, Mister I Built The Icebreaker Ship! Now who has egg on their face? You! Not you the reader! You the person or people responsible for the Icebreaker! It was probably a whole team of scientists and engineers and warmongers who came up with the idea after the Titanic hit some ice and sank. I wonder if the hulls of Icebreaker ships are made out of teeth because my teeth can break ice like a champ!

It turns out the ship needing rescue is a submarine that broke through the ice and became damaged and the Icebreaker just sent out the distress call so I guess the egg is on somebody else's face now! I won't mention whose though because I wouldn't want to embarrass me. Although it's also possible that Tomasi, being a huge cat-killing jerk, thought Icebreakers were submarines and completely screwed up this entire story right from the start! I bet that's what happened because I like to believe that pet murdering jerks make stupid mistakes!

While Superman gloats about his victory to the crew of the submarine, a giant squid attacks! It must be after the uranium fuel! Jon watches off in the distance afraid that if he uses his heat vision to help, he'll kill all of the cats in the world.

The Squid is being controlled by some robotic attachment which makes sense because I didn't really think a giant squid was hungry for uranium. Although how do they get so big if it's not by eating uranium, hunh? Answer that! Not so stupid a thought now, is it?

But what about all of the cats ever?!

Superman teaches Jon how to concentrate his heat vision into a fine laser so that next time he has to save a cat from a tree, he doesn't burn down the forest and all of the cats too.

I don't think I've expressed my anger at Goldie's death enough yet! So here's another fuck you, Tomasi!

Oh, and by learning to use his heat vision, Jon destroys the technology controlling the squid and saves the day without killing any innocent creatures.

Superman gives Jon the talk. Not the one my parents never gave me so now I have no idea if I've ever had sex or not! The talk about how being Superman isn't about punching things into submission. He's all, "That was the other Superman! The one who didn't know any better! But we're good Supermen! We're not worried about fangenders thinking we're too powerful or that we're cosmic boy scouts! We do the right thing when the right thing needs to be done for the right reasons! And that's that!" And Jon says, "I killed the fucking cat, okay?! It was me! You knew I did it and you tricked me into admitting it and I hate you forever!" Unless he actually reacted like a good kid who feels ashamed for what he did and for lying about it too. That might be how he actually reacted but it's so foreign to me that I had to make up my own story at this point. Parents and kids just don't have sweet talks about real life! They scream and throw McDonald's pies at each other!

After Superman and Superboy leave, the remains of the robotic technology take samples of the plasma created by Superboy's heat vision and determine that there is a half-human, half-Kryptonian kid running around Earth. And it knows the kid is from the House of El! So it must be Brainiac since he knows so goddamned much.

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH! Stop bonding over Goldie's death! I miss Judas so much!

The neighbor girl wanders out to sit in a tree with Jon and maybe sneak a kiss. It might not be behind the barn but on the cheek will do just as well. But Jon gets embarrassed and destroys the branch they're sitting on by clenching his super butt cheeks too tight. He knocks himself out from the fall so I guess his invulnerability hasn't kicked in too well yet. He's fire resistant but not knock to the head resistant, I guess.

Oh, and apparently Lois and Clark have changed their name again from "White" to "Smith". Creative!

Clark and Lois can't figure out why Jon could get a concussion when he's developed so many other powers. I bet it's because nobody wants another character that's overpowered! He needs to have some flaws! I guess concussions are going to be Jon's kryptonite.

And finally, the mystery DNA reader winds up being Eradicator. That makes sense because last issue's Next Blurb mentioned something about eradication. I just forgot because I was so angry about the death of Goldie. But I think I probably made a Squash joke about the Eradicator! That's a Kids in the Hall reference!

Superman #1

His pants are full of people!

The Review!
On one hand, this is a promising start to a new Superman series. On the other hand, Tomasi and Gleason are assholes who I will never forgive for this comic book. Ever. Ever fucking ever. Fuck them forever. Fucking dicks. If you haven't read this comic book and you want your heart to break, go ahead and read the commentary part of this or rush out and pick up this comic book. Or you could just throw yourself in front of a bus. The pain of being broken by a bus is probably on par with the pain this comic book has caused me. Dicks.

The Commentary!
Tomasi and Gleason wrote one of the consistently emotional books of The New 52, Batman and Robin. It was endearing. It made Damian endearing. Well, it did to me! Although I didn't know anything about Damian Wayne since Batman and Robin was my first experience of the character. I'm hoping that they can manage the same trick with Jon White because I hate the little turd right now. Mostly for no reason! Which is why it should be really easy for Tomasi and Gleason to give me reasons to like him! I currently don't have any defense for hating him but if they can give me a scene where Jon compares his shoe to Clark's, I'll be all, "Stupid fucking jerk! Damian already did that! You aren't cute!" Hmm. Okay, maybe it's going to take a little work to get me to like Jon.

The issue begins with Superman visiting Superman's grave. Preboot Superman really needs to forget about New 52 Superman already. Mostly because I just want to forget about him and it's difficult to forget about him when Preboot Superman won't stop going on and on about how he was a hero. How about going on and on about how he constantly endangered the lives of everybody on Earth? You can tell the story about how he was mind-controlled by Queen Bee. Or maybe what about the time he was hopped up on Joker Venom and out of control? Or maybe that time he contracted the Doomsday Virus and just about destroyed the entire world? Or what about the time Circe had him under her thumb because he's so vulnerable to magic? Or how about when Vandal Savage stole all of his power and used it against the Earth? I could go on and on but I think you get my point. New 52 Superman was more dangerous to Earth than the 80s Teen Titans were dangerous to New York. That's dangerous!

I knew this kid was unlikeable! He actually has a Cyclops action figure (DC Version for trademark reasons, of course! But it's obviously meant to be him with the visor and the straps that make an "X"!)! CYCLOPS?! Ugh. The worst.

Dammit! I scanned my first scan too early! I was all, "This book has been nothing but huge swathes of color with little more action than Superman touching the grass of Superman's grave until it glowed with blue radiation and Superman hugging a cow! But it's almost half over so I'd better scan something! I'll scan this picture of Damian Wayne. What's he doing on the farm? Sleepover? Oh wait! That's Jon! And he has an action figure that looks close enough to Cyclops that I can use it as another reason to hate him!" But then I turned the page and Tomasi and Gleason finally come through for me! They finally give me the only thing I've truly been waiting for since Clark and Lois and Jon White fled their old home in Salinas during the Death of New 52 Superman story arc!

The cat's name is Goldie!

Um. A few pages later, I'm sorry they let me know the name of the cat. I'm also sorry I ever liked anything Tomasi and Gleason ever wrote. I'm sorry they were ever born even! Fucking jerks! I don't need to bond with Jon by reading a story where he accidentally kills his own fucking cat. I never need to read that story! Why am I reading that story?! Oh my god I hate them forever!

Just in case you weren't following along or haven't read this series, Goldie gets grabbed by a hawk and Jon gets scared and angry and incinerates both the hawk and Goldie with his heat vision. So yeah. Jon has to live with one of the most traumatic things a person can go through. It's bad enough when a pet dies and you constantly think of all the ways in which you were to blame or the things you could have done to maybe make it better. But to have to live with being the actual, physical cause of your pet's death? Christ. I can't even imagine. I can come close since I once spent some time on the phone weeping with my cousin who had accidentally run over his own deaf cat, Yang, because it didn't hear his car on the driveway. I can come close because the Non-Certified Spouse's father was carrying his dog, Rudy, down some stairs when he slipped and dropped Rudy, causing an injury that eventually led to Rudy having to be euthanized. I can come close because I still blame myself for leaving town and not being around Judas, my cat, when his body threw the clot that would eventually lead to his death. I mentioned before that I referred to him as my familiar and I felt that the bond we shared was broken by my weekend trip which stressed him out enough to raise his blood pressure which caused him to throw a clot which got hung up in an artery in his left leg. I know that's just what happened, and what would have happened, but he was old and frail and my best friend and I should never have left him.

I can imagine what Jon is about to go through and suddenly I can't hate the kid for no reasons at all. I can claim it's a cheap trick on Tomasi and Gleason's part to kill a beloved pet but it fucking worked, didn't it? Now I care about the stupid brat. But I don't care about Tomasi and Gleason! I hate them! I hope they think it was worth the sacrifice!

A neighbor girl sees Jon use his heat vision to kill some poor innocent animals and Jon sees her see him. But that won't be interesting until later because the girl disappears. She probably ran off to write in her diary, "Dear Diary! I just saw the grooviest farmhand ever! I want to kiss him behind the barn!" And by "behind the barn," she actually just meant behind a barn. She's a little girl, you disgusting pervert.

Later at dinner, it's revealed that Jon decides to hide his shame of killing the family cat with the powers he wasn't supposed to use. That shit is eventually going to come out bad! And then the little girl, Kathy, stops by to announce that she's a new neighbor! She doesn't stay long.

Long enough to send Jon around the guilty bend though.

Later that night while Jon is crying alone in his room, he sees Wonder Woman and Batman stop by to have a chat with his dad. His super hearing isn't well-developed so he can't eavesdrop on the conversation very well but I'm sure there's some discussion about Superman filling out an application for the Justice League. Or at least letting Batman interview him so that they can determine he isn't a threat to the Earth. Not that being a huge threat to the Earth stopped the last Superman from getting a job with the Justice League. It's also possible Diana was just checking to see if he might want a little side action and Batman is desperate to replace his only friend.

Superman comes up stairs and tells Jon to throw on some clothes because they have to go somewhere without telling Lois. Or maybe he told Lois on his way upstairs. Preboot Superman seems like the kind of Superman who tells Lois everything. I need to try to remember this Superman is a good Superman and completely forget about that other Superman that was a bad Superman! I hope Gleason and Tomasi stop mentioning the old one. Also, I hope they stop having characters kill their own pets. Dicks.

Robin, Son of Batman #6

I never liked Tweety Bird. I hope that asshole was the appetizer.

I'm way behind on my comic book reading due to important things like leveling up my guns in Call of Duty and replaying The Temple of Elemental Evil! I've got thirty-four comic books in my stack and I won't be able to do any commentaries between Sunday and Wednesday of this week because my cousin is flying into town to go see Alice Cooper with me on Tuesday. So I'm going to see how many books I can do today by sticking to some kind of bullet point system. Can I actually read a comic book without writing a ton of extraneous, meaningless bullshit? Can I actually concentrate on the story's themes? Probably not. But I'm going to try anyway! If I can actually catch up, it'll be my Christmas present to myself!

Side note regarding giving myself Christmas presents: I am an atheist. I grew up in a family that were, technically, Catholic. At some point. In the past. I was baptized and that's about as much religious upbringing as I had. Religion wasn't really important in my family although my mother still had enough Catholic guilt to yell at me if I ever said "Goddammit!" So Christmas is a secular tradition for me. I suppose since the word is Christ's Mass, I wouldn't ever go so far as to say it should ultimately be embraced as secular. But to think that it's always been all about religion and that everybody has always celebrated it that way until all the Happy Holiday Heathens ruined it is simply ludicrousmas.

This issue begins during one of Damian's Year of Blood quests. He's battling his way through a dungeon when he comes to his next prize guarded by a giant werebat and its children. Damian slays all but one of them because the last one is just too cute to kill, even if you are Damian Wayne, bloodthirsty bastard child of Talia al Ghul.

Poor baby newly orphaned Goliath! I'm totally not sad at all!

It's not fair to use animals to pull on the emotional ripcords of your audience! I'll cry at the drop of a hat if an animal is harmed in a book, comic, or movie. Or if the animal is lonely. Or if the animal is well loved. Or if the animal is an animal. But if you can make me cry in a story that's only about people? You're on some kind of super game at that point. Sure, it happens just not as often as with animals. What I'm trying to say, Patrick Gleason, is don't think you're something special because you're getting my eyes to water seeing the panel of Robin with his eyes watering as he looks down at this cute little critter whose family he just murdered!

Oh god. OH GOD WHY, GLEASON?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?!

Another to way to make me cry if it's a movie is to make your movie a musical. That's also a shortcut to tapping right into a person's emotions so it's mostly cheating. I know there are quite a few movies that don't have animals or songs in them that make me bawl but I can't really think of many right now except maybe Slingblade and Young Guns II.

Robin returns to Talia with the scepter and the Neopet. He asks Talia if he can keep the creature by telling her a lie about how the creature helped him escape the cave and how he totally didn't completely break down from shame and guilt as the innocent creature reached out to Damian who was still bathed in its family's blood. Damian names it Goliath. And that's Goliath's origin story! It was sadder than Batman's origin!

Back to the present, Talia returns to Bialya with the Scepter of Kings. She marches into the court of Prince Abush who has had some dental work since we last saw him. Whoever wields (or "WEILDS" if I want to spell the way Tom Napolitano spells similar words!) the Scepter of Kings will rule Bialya. Prince Abush doesn't like that idea but after getting his new dental work knocked out by the mother of the kid who caused the need for that work, he relents. Or falls unconscious. Talia is now the ruler of Bialya!

Damian has an exploding vagina?

Talia attempts to talk to her son about the upcoming battle with Den Darga. But Damian only has one question for mother: "Why did you kill me?" I can't answer for Talia but I'm pretty sure it has to with with trains in mother's tunnels and Oedipal cigars and reverse Electral penitentiaries. It's all quite psychologically complicated! Or it just might be that she was pissed at him for leaving her and bonding with his father.

Is that other she believed "Grant Morrison"? And when Grant was removed with his need to make Talia and Bruce bitter divorcees, Patrick is now able to make Talia more than just Bruce's vindictive ex?

Just as Damian brought his father a pearl to symbolize how much he was trying to change and loved by his father, Talia brings a black pearl to Damian. It supposedly contains the evil al Ghul side of her that she has left behind so that she can simply be the mother to her son. If Damian chooses, he can restore her memories and kill her. Or he can allow her the same chance at redemption which Batman gave him.

Patrick Gleason is killing this shit.

Damian goes to speak with Nobody and finds her watching news reports about the death of Batman. I suppose it finally had to be dealt with since Damian needs to go participate in the Robin War! Damian seems to shrug off the idea that his father is dead because he knows firsthand how fickle death is in comic books. Damian is a bit down on the whole Robin thing at this point but Nobody has never believed in Robin more (even though he did kill her father. I mean, her father was kind of a jerk so she can probably forgive him). Damian has done good even if he doesn't want to acknowledge it because it might take away from his need to keep striving for redemption. But he saved Goliath. And he saved his brothers. And now he has the chance to save Nobody and his mother and maybe even his father too.

Okay, now Patrick is making me cry without using animals. Jerk.

For Damian to truly understand the idea of Jesus's rebuke to those willing to cast stones shows real maturity. It's not about punishment and being above sin. It's about second chances and redemption. Who has the right to take away somebody else's chance to make good on past evil? Damian could easily have been treated in the same way. It's an even more mature reason for not killing than Batman's usual reason for not wanting to become the thing he hates. You don't kill because you aren't the one who should determine that somebody is beyond redemption.

This train of thought always brings me back to The Lord of the Rings and how Bilbo has the strength to let Gollum live. And later when Gandalf tells Frodo that nobody has the ability to give life back to the dead, so why should they presume to think they have the right to end somebody's life? And how, in the end, Gollum is needed to destroy the ring. Yes, it's ultimately an accident. But without Gollum, Frodo would not have chosen to destroy the ring. It's grip was too powerful in the end. It isn't quite a story of redemption but it's an interesting take on pity and condemning others to death.

I think it's time to stop being surprised at how well Patrick Gleason is writing this book and just accept that, at this point, he's the fucking man to write Damian.

The next day, Maya is about ready to set off to look for her mother. Damian is headed back to Gotham. And Goliath...I guess Goliath gets to choose because Damian sets him free. He chooses to remain behind with Ravi. I'm sure they'll all get back together after the Robin War is over. Damian leaves a note with Ravi to give to his mother in the arena where they were supposed to battle the next day. And then he's off to Gotham.

Damian also gives the pearl back to Talia along with the note. He's decided to let her choose her path rather than decide it for her. I'm not sure what she's choosing but she seems to have an army waiting for her in the arena the next day. Was she going to have Damian battle them all? Or is she just preparing to battle Den Darga? I guess that's the question, right?

Robin, Son of Batman #6 Rating: +3 Ranking. This comic may not be at the extreme top of my comic book rankings but after this issue, it's up there with Grayson and The Omega Men as one of my favorites. Patrick Gleason is writing the fucking hell out of Damian and telling the story Damian needed outside of his life with Batman. I can't recommend this book highly enough. Gleason has taken Batman and Robin, one of my consistently favorite original New 52 books, and continued the quality of that series, if he hasn't actually raised it by a few notches. I can't say anything better about this book than that it made me cry at least twice while reading this issue. Usually that would mean I'd call Gleason an asshole because I have a problem dealing with emotions but I'll let him off the hook this time and just say, "Thank you, Pat!" Great fucking book.

Robin, Son of Batman #5

During Robin's Year of Blood, he stole a lot of shit from some cult whose symbol is a horned head surrounded by triangles. He stole their possessions, their dignities, their homes, and sometimes their lives. Damian simply assumed he was being tested so that he could become a man at age 10. But nobody told him the truth of the matter. He was really decimating one of Ra's al Ghul's most ancient enemies. But that was years ago. Or months ago? Weeks ago, maybe? Whatever the case, that was when Damian was a bad seed. Now that Robin has decided that Batman is cooler than Ra's al Ghul, he's decided to atone for all of the horrible shit he did as a kid. That means returning 365 prized possessions to Ra's al Ghul's enemies. And even though they're the enemies of Ra's, I don't think this is one of those cases where the enemy of your father is your friend. I think these enemies are just all around bad people and Robin is going to accidentally help them get back on track to conquer the world.

Robin, Nobody, and Goliath are currently pit-stopping on al Ghul Island to pick up a little food and the next bit of booty to return.

You saw a penis, Nobody. That pleasant tingling in your lower abdomen is not scarring. Unless you're a lesbian?

It's possible that Nobody just saw the craziest looking penises ever and that's why she's scarred for life. But she's fairly young so she probably has no idea what a penis is supposed to look like anyway. Although she lives in the internet age which makes it impossible to guess how old somebody has to be to have gotten a glimpse of a naked member of the opposite sex. Back before the internet when I was around the age of Damian and Nobody, I remember girls being quite interested in seeing what was going on down there. I don't think anybody was feeling "scarred" by getting a glimpse of a sibling's friend's genitals. It was kind of like trading baseball cards. I'm old now and we live in the age of free porn at our fingertips, so I simply assume that kids would be bored out of their minds just looking at somebody else's naked crotch.

There was a nice bit between Robin and his differently shaped brothers (I didn't want to use a possibly ableist term like "deformed") immediately following the above scan but it would have diluted the whole penis-viewing part of the scene which is the part I found most interesting.

Robin returns to his Vault of Ill-gotten Goodies only to find his servant Ravi and the Skull of Den--his next treasure he was going to return--are gone! And Damian claims only one other person knows of the vault! I'll pretend I didn't look at the cover and have no idea who he might be talking about! I used "who" there instead of "whom" simply because it sounds better. Sometimes you have to just listen to your ears and disregard your barely passable knowledge of grammar. We all know the most important rule when it comes to using who and whom correctly, right? "If you don't actually know what you're doing, just fucking use who, you asshole." At the very least, by following that one simple rule, you'll know which people in the room are the pretentious, didactic asshats when they correct you.

Damain heads out to the island temple to find the super mysterious unknown thief while Nobody and Goliath pretend to search the rest of the island but really Nobody just goes back to look at penises.

Gasp!

Talia was brought back to life by the Lu'un Darga who are Ra's al Ghul's ancient enemies. I couldn't remember their name earlier and I won't remember their name after I turn the page. Talia wants to stop them before they use her to destroy the world. Probably. That's sort of how these things work. When evil druids bring you back to life, they generally expect something in return.

So I was correct in my initial synopsis. That either means I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Writer or Patrick Gleason is a competent storyteller (meaning the opposite of Tony S. Daniel). It's probably 85% me, 15% Pat.

While Mother and Son battle, the Skull of Den tumbles to the ground to fall on the symbol of the Lu'un Darga. I guess Damian didn't actually have to return it from wherever he stole it. He just had to leave it here in the citadel on al Ghul Island. Which, if that's the case, seems like a poor place for Talia to bring it if she's actually trying to stop the Lu'un Darga. I sense shenanigans.

Lu'un Darga rains down fire and lightning on the island while bringing up death worms and earthquakes from beneath the island. It's a catastrophe that's causing the island to break up and fall beneath the sea. I guess Robin's brothers will be heading back down to Atlantis for a bit. Or they'll choose to paint "R"s on their chests and give their lives rescuing Damian.

Ohana means deformed penises!

Damian and Talia are dragged beneath the sea but Nowhere and Goliath save them. It's probably all kinds of touching for people who feel things with their feelings which they still have because they haven't been worn away by years of cynicism and horror movies. Ravi appears at the last minute with the submarine so that the group still has possession of Robin's treasures and a means to search for safe harbor where they can plan their attack on Lu'un Darga. The guy seemed like a pretty major end of level boss monster but they're probably going to have to defeat him next issue so that Damian can take a break from his solo adventures and participate in the Robin War.

Robin, Son of Batman #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. It was probably a smart move sacrificing Robin's malformed brothers because they were just too strange to have around. They're the kind of thing that would normally be forgotten or become some kind of weird footnote to Damian's story. Tomasi kept them around to show Damian had empathy for somebody on his own terms. But how much more use could they be after that? Well, Gleason gives them a fitting and emotional end. They couldn't really serve much more purpose since I doubt DC would have published an Island of Misfit Robins book (I would have read it). So having them pull the whole We Are Robins and Brothers thing to repay Damian for treating them like family was more than I would have expected, and I'm grateful to Gleason for giving them a heroic moment. Although I wish he would have shown at least one of their penises on panel. Missed opportunity!

Robin, Son of Batman #4

The issue begins with a flashback to Damian's Year of Blood when he went on a vandalizing, pilfering tour of the world. Damian's servant takes Damian's recent acquisition from Egypt to Ra's al Ghul and accidentally walks in on a ceremony utilizing the previous objects stolen by Damian. I'm sure it's no big deal. People probably walk in on Ra's doing all kinds of freaky things. But I guess the pouring blood out of the sockets of a goat's skull ceremony cannot be witnessed by anybody without punishment. So Damian's servant, who helped teach Damian to paint and loves seeing things like art and nature and the underside of his erect penis in a mirror, is blinded. Talia gives Damian the chance to forgive him but Damian knows a trick question from his mother when he hears one! Instead he calls his servant a fool and goes on with his life.

But that was whenever that happened. Total ancient history! Now is the time for Damian to atone for stealing the idols canopic jars from Egypt. How he's going to atone for allowing his servant's sight to be taken is another matter. Perhaps Damian can find a groupon for Lasik?

Maya, Damian, and Goliath are working together now. Not because Damian really wants to work with Nobody but because Nobody is now the only way to control Goliath. It can't be because he hopes to one day touch one of her boobies because he's still losing baby teeth. No way he's into girls yet. Murder. Justice. Revenge. But not girls. Gross.

Damian explains how he's atoning for stealing the canopic jars but that doesn't really matter, right? I'm just waiting for Deathstroke to appear so Damian can whoops his ass.

I was just lamenting my lack of cake before sitting down to read this comic book.

The person calling out Nobody's name is, of course, Deathstroke. He didn't take kindly to Nobody cutting off communication with him and his fellow Mercenary Chatroom buddies. He seems to be familiar with Nobody's method of operations (sometimes called some Latin thing, especially when talking about Jack the Ripper) because the first thing Slade does is explode a paint grenade in her proximity. That should help him realize he's fighting a young girl which, knowing Slade, will probably give him a boner.

Who else would be in that club? Talia. Rose. Lian. And why is he so interested in a club full of young girls? Pedo.

Deathstroke is familiar with Goliath. I wonder how they know each other? He seems content with not getting what he was owed by Morgan Ducard as long as he gets to kill Maya and Goliath. But of course that isn't going to happen. Damian will probably save the day.

See? I think. This is saving the day right? And not just horsey back rides?

Damian lures Deathstork Deathstroke back through the trapped entry to the secret tomb below. It's where Damian just recently returned the canopic jars by sneaking past the traps. Now he's setting them off on purpose to hopefully kill Deathstroke. Boy, I hope they kill Deathstroke! It's not that I want to see Deathstroke dead since I actually like the character. But if it'll put a stop to Tony S. Daniel's travesty of a Deathstroke comic book, I'm all for the death of Slade Wilson!

Instead of killing Deathstork's Deathstroke's comic book, he finances it to the tune of five million dollars. Dammit, Robin! Now he's got enough cash to get his mercenary gig back on track! Although Deathstroke's comic book isn't selling very well and it's not like this five million dollars went into DC's pocket to keep their company solvent. So it's only a matter of time, Slade!

I'm pretty sure the "so boring" is Gleason's shot across Daniel's bow. And he has every right to fire that shot because Gleason is an artist turned writer who's actually doing a terrific job.

Slade reluctantly heads off back to his own shitty comic book and Robin takes Nobody back down into the tomb. By putting the jars back, he opened up a secret passageway leading to the reason that the health center above the tomb was able to cure so many people: a Lazarus Pit. No wonder Ra's wanted this place shut down.

Robin, Son of Batman #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was probably half fight scenes and yet it still managed to tell a coherent story that could have filled up an issue on its own without the fight scene padding. I don't think Deathstroke is used to that. He had to do an awful lot of fighting in this issue. Usually he only has to pose for one or two huge double page splashes. But this time, he had to pose ten different ways across what would have been one of Daniel's double splash pages. That's a lot of work! No wonder he wanted to settle on five million dollars so he could go back to his comic book. Who knew there was usually so much choreography in fight scenes?! I'll tell you who didn't know! Any character ever written and drawn by Tony S. Daniel!

Robin, Son of Batman #3

If this were a picture of me at eleven years old, there would be more cake.

Who's ready for Day 2 of the Year of Atonement?! What will we be atoning for next? Did Damian steal a Jawa action figure from one of his friends? Did he demagnetize his friend's Apple IIe disks? Did he write "Peter Martin is a fucker" on the sidewalk in front of Peter's house?! Did he scream at his friend for unfreezing him in a game of freeze tag when the person who was "it" was right behind him and managed to refreeze Damian immediately?! Did he plagiarize his oral report on glaciers because, seriously, who the fuck is going to write about glaciers in their own words when that encyclopedia from the 1950s worded the description flawlessly?! Did he used to immediately fly into a frenzied ball of wildly swinging arms and screams and tears whenever he felt anybody was treating him unfairly? He probably doesn't have to atone for any of those because Robin is not me. His sins probably involve killing people and stealing really important things.

Damian's next task is to return a crystal he stole from the Cult of the Cliff Swifts. They might all be dead since he trapped them in a mountain cave when he stole the crystal but that isn't his problem. This is his Year of Atonement and not his Year of Miracles. If they don't appreciate that he's making as much of an effort as possible, they can just keep being dead.

Well at least they're not dead.

Damian drops the crystal so the Swift Cult goes after it instead of him and Nobody. Day 73 of the Year of Blood atoned for! Maybe not exactly in the spirit of true atonement but at least Damian went through the motions. And the stupid Swift Cult have their stupid crystal back, so everything is good, right? Damian has already atoned for 73 days and it's only Issue #3!

After the atonement is taken care of, it's time for the part of the comic book where Damian and Nobody Too flirt with each other. I normally wouldn't call screaming at each other and getting into a fistfight "flirting," but this is a mainstream superhero comic book. That's all the explanation I need to give, right? I was going to say more and use concepts I don't totally understand like "arrested development" and "fantasy wish fulfillment" and "mostly written by men who really don't know how to interact with women," but I felt maybe I might hurt the feelings of some comic book readers and writers and maybe mine too.

The Sica Strike sounds sexy! I wonder if I can find somebody to use it on me?

Nobody knocks out Damian's tooth so that his face now has personality. At least it was a canine so it's not totally embarrassing to look at him. I'm not the only person who feels uncomfortable speaking with people whose front teeth are missing, am I? It freaks me out so much that I just stay as far away from six and seven year olds as possible.

Goliath flips the fuck out because Damian's whistle which helps to control the Werebat was destroyed by the Swift Cult. Now Damian touches Nobody without permission so that he can reprogram the sonic device in the palm of her hand. He gets it to emit a sound which either calms Goliath or turns his brains into scrambled eggs. Either way, it causes the Werebat to fall asleep. Now Damian has to make friends with Nobody so he can replace his whistle with her. That's called romance in comic book terms. It goes like this: a male character objectifies a female character (in this case, Nobody is nothing more than a whistle to Damian) so that he can stand to hang around with her. Eventually that means she says enough things to force him to realize she is an independent, thinking human being. That eventually leads to touching the female with permission because the female becomes impressed and grateful that the male now acknowledges her non-sexualized objectiveness and finally sees her as a full-fledged sex object.

Nobody and Damian stop flirting after Goliath falls asleep. Now it's time to remember they're both just kids and that they should be kid friends on a grand adventure!

Inappropriate phallic imagery. This is the part where they become friends! It's not the part where they turn this comic book into child pornography!

Nobody tells Damian her name is Maya which is practically the exact opposite of Nobody and Nothing! It's, like, symbolism and shit!

The first thing I typed about his lost tooth was that he was probably going to lose it soon anyway. But then I was going to continue the thought by saying not because it's a baby tooth but because he gets punched in the face so much. And then I deleted it all to point out how much toothless people freak me out.

Maya finds Damian's baby tooth hysterical because apparently she never lost baby teeth and she's above being human. I bet I was teased about losing my teeth which is why I can't speak with anybody missing their front teeth and the only nightmares I have are about losing my teeth and I'm going to just stop writing about teeth now because I'm feeling sick.

Meanwhile, Talia has been brought back to life with bath beads by the Lu'un Darga, the enemies of Ra's al Ghul. But Talia beats the crap out of her captor while her skin smells and looks terrific. She climbs up from her refreshing bath to find the Lu'un Darga have gotten their Crystal Sun of Power back and she freaks out. Well now. Maybe it would have been better to be open and honest with your child about why he was committing the atrocities he was committing during the Year of Blood, hmm? Might have prevented your ancient enemies from regaining all of their power. Think about that one the next time you want to manipulate somebody for your own ends, Talia. Or Ra's. Whoever was responsible for keeping Damian in the dark.

Maya has been receiving messages from her father's old contacts wondering where he's gone and why he isn't helping them make money by killing people. Maya does not tell them that her father is dead. She just tells them over AOL Messenger that she quits. That decision will probably cause some future conflict, right? I bet the person on the other end of the line is Deathstork!

Which it is! I figured it must be Deathstork and then I noticed the next page with the orange-gloved hand receiving the text message and knew it had to be Slade. Then the last page shows Deathstork and his beautiful smooth testicles proclaiming, "Nobody likes a quitter." Ha ha! Get it? NOBODY!

Robin, Son of Batman #3 Rating: No change. Damian and Maya are going to make a cute team. And because Damian is so young, it hopefully won't fall into the trap of creating a romantic side story simply because a male and female partner are working together. Globetrotting platonic kids adventure would be ideal, please. Although I wouldn't mind if Damian developed his first crush on Maya but she sees him as way too young and isn't attracted to his baby toothed face at all. Plus he killed her father, so that makes things kind of weird. I'm really just projecting my fantasy Batman/Catwoman relationship onto Damian and Maya now. Because what I want most in a Batman/Catwoman relationship is one where Bruce Wayne is head over heels in love with Catwoman and Catwoman is just done with him. I want to see Bruce suffer the pangs of heartbreak as he stalks Catwoman around the city and keeps getting caught by her so he stands around stuttering, "Oh. Um. I was just, you know, out on patrol over here on this roof across from your apartment, you know? Bad neighborhood, this. Leaky roof too. Um, gotta go now! Keep up the good work! Bye!" Anyway, I just hope that Patrick Gleason can make the Damian/Maya friendship as adorable as I'm imagining it could be.