Teen Titans Annual #1

And just when I thought Superboy was going to start getting some joy out of life. I guess DC hates him.

After writing more than 2000 reviews on comics, I'm going to have to allow myself to repeat stories I've already told. Generally, I can remember what I've written about so I know when I'm repeating myself and, often, I make note that I've said something before. My memory sucks in a lot of ways, like remembering where in time something happened or coming up with names or specific words. But one area that my memory seems to work well is knowing when and who I've told a story to. It's probably because my interactions with other people are so limited. Often when someone I know begins telling me a story that they've already told me, I'm never quite sure what to do. Do I just listen to them tell the entire thing again? Do I tell them they've already told me and then stand their awkwardly having caused a rift in the conversation? Do I punch them in the throat and kick them a few times when they've fallen down? Sometimes I just make jerking off motions until they get angry and leave. I'd trade in my inability to come up with the exact word I want to use while writing if it meant I would often retell the same stories to the same people constantly. I wish we could pick our flaws so we could get bonus points in other areas of our lives. I would pick the flaws "Too Handsome," "Born To Horribly Wealthy Assholes," and "Uncomfortably Large Cock." Then with my bonus points, I'd put some in "Handsomeness" and some in "Wealth" and some in "Cock Size." I'd choose those three traits because they are the three biggest factors in becoming a successful man! I don't know what women would replace "Cock Size" with to become successful. "Butt Firmness"?

This issue is called "The Source of Mercy" because it is about how Superboy learns about Allah, I'm guessing? The issue begins with a whole bunch of dead people in a street, a house on fire, a woman praying, and Superboy lying unconscious and still unhappy. He was created to be a living weapon, you know!

I actually forgot this was a Teen Titans comic book and not a Superboy comic book until I got to the page with Manchester Black and Red Robin hanging out. Which is kind of stupid of me since Superboy has spent most of his time in other characters' comic books anyway. In the entire run of his series, I don't think he ever got to have any adventures of his own. They were always tied up with other books. Poor kid.

All of the Titans are trying to sort out the news they're hearing about Superboy having committed this atrocity. Red Robin mentions that he's not going to contact Wonder Girl by phone because she probably needs a hug or something.

She's so sad because even though he was constantly trying to kill her, he was so cute!

Well I guess since people all over social media are speculating on what happened and saying that Superboy killed them all, and then Lois Lane is reporting on the speculation, that must be what happened! Social Media: The Most Trusted News Source In The World (that doesn't contain fact checking).

Sure, I just took a shot at people getting their news from a huge game of telephone. But the usual media sources? They deserve to not be trusted anymore because they fucking decided to stop doing the media's actual job. Of course people are going to believe whatever hyperbolic bullshit tumbles down the page on their social newsfeeds when the old standard media has also decided that fact checking is so twenty years ago. Here's why nobody likes you anymore, Old Media: there was a time when you did research and investigations to discover the truth of a matter. Now all you do is report what other people are saying and giving equal time to lies and bullshit so that the viewer can decide the truth. That's never been the media's job, you dickheads. Stop playing politics and get back to investigation and research or else the entire world is just going to listen to their friend's cousin's uncle's hairdresser before they listen to you.

Also, I'm so sick of this Wonder Girl/Superboy pseudo-relationship thing. It was never a thing in The New 52 so stop trying to recall their past relationship from an entirely different universe. All they've really done is punch each other in the face while saying things like "If you weren't such a murderous dick, I'd totally suck your dick!" and "I'm going to punch you in the tits or put my dick between them! I haven't decided yet!"

John Jones, detective with a penchant for Oreos!

Red Robin and Wonder Girl discuss Kon and how he became their friend even though they knew he was a living weapon. I'm not really sure how friendly they all became. I know Superboy and Bunker went out on a few dates. But Superboy wasn't even Kon for half the time they knew him! He was Jon! I think. Superboy's history is kind of confusing. But anyway, Wonder Girl doesn't seem to be crushing on him at all like Lobdell was trying to make it. She still doesn't really trust him. I approve of that even though she'll probably be kissing him before the end of the issue.

Martian Manhunter reads Kon's mind and finds out he did kill those people. But it turns out they were Durlans. Those are shape-changers for anybody that doesn't care about the Legion of Super-heroes. So he probably had a good reason to kill them since Durlans are always making trouble with their ability to hide among other species for their own conniving purposes.

Raven is hanging out with the band she inspired, Dark Mistress. Unless it's Night Mistress. The band doesn't even know. But then they're kind of stupid assholes.

So "black-white" is a metaphor for "night-dark." Idiot. By the way, the whole "it's a metaphor" meme? Never, ever funny. About as entertaining as planking.

Martian Manhunter is upset that Superboy killed the hidden Durlans although Martian Manhunter can sympathize even though Durlans are jerks! Didn't Hal Jordan mention how they tried to take over the universe and destroy the reputation of the Green Lantern Corps?

Martian Manhunter points out that "there are thirty-seven words for justice on Mars" and how "there is no word for mercy." Well then, you fucking piece of shit, your justice didn't really mean much, did it? Martians were probably just a bunch of bureaucratic assholes full of pent-up rage. Did one of those thirty-seven words happen to mean "killing somebody that might possibly have murdered a whole bunch of other people but not actually having any real proof yet"? Also, if Martian Manhunter is going to kill Superboy because he killed a bunch of aliens that may or may not have been trying to conquer Earth, he might want to go strangle Batman after this since he recently dropped a load of aliens into a volcano.

Martian Manhunter and the final Durlan, Ra'ut, get into an eye-beam battle over whether or not Superboy is at fault for the death of the Durlans. I know J'onn is often portrayed as stodgy and boring so it's nice when he's given some personality. But not this. He's the guy you go to for calm and rational. Even if this situation has hit a nerve, I just don't buy it that he'd fly off the handle like this and engage in a battle in the middle of a police precinct that could cause more deaths. But drama! This is drama! And that makes good comic books! Fight, heroes! Fight!

Superboy and Ra'ut escape from Martian Manhunter. Kon decides to call Tim for a little help even though the Teen Titans will be the first place anybody looks for him! Normally I'd say it wouldn't be but according to the comic book, everybody knows everything about the Titans and loves them and they also love Superboy because he was kind of part of the team when nobody knew who they were.

Allegedly! Allegedly killed twenty-two innocent people!

Wonder Girl slaps Superboy and wonders why he didn't tell them he was back from the future. Well, actually, Wonder Girl...he's back from the dead. See, the future Superboy was not this Superboy! This Superboy was dead and acting as a Silver Surfer Wannabe for that piece of shit garbage Oracle character created by a piece of shit garbage writer. I don't even think this Superboy would know what you're talking about with the future shit! He's had a bit of a complicated life lately.

As the Titans try to figure out what to do with Superboy in his new metaphor (God I hate that I typed that), J'onn J'onzz comes crashing through the wall because he's a thoughtless, destructive dick. No wait. That's somebody else. This must not be Martian Manhunter. It's probably a Durlan because J'onn wouldn't act like a careless asshole.

Martian Manhunter punches Gar in the head and probably kills him. Then he blasts Raven with heat vision and probably kills her. Then he makes green ring things at Red Robin and probably kills him. He does know he's the most powerful super hero on Earth and he's fighting a bunch of teenagers for no reason, right? I'm also pretty sure that he can phase so he didn't need to smash through the wall and possibly ruin the integrity of a skyscraper thus endangering hundreds of lives. Martian Manhunter is a dick.

Superboy knocks out J'onn J'onzz because this is a Teen Titans comic. Sorry, J'onn! Also, you were kind of asking for it. Although when Manchester Black shows up and decides to use you for a couch, that's maybe going a little too far. I think it also might be racist somehow.

Red Robin, Bunker, Beast Boy, Raven, Superboy, and Ra'ut scarper. They have to go to ground while they figure out how to clear Superboy's name. Too bad! They were just getting famous for being the good guys! I guess that's not DC's way though. They'd rather have the Teen Titans miserable and constantly on the run. I think it's a metaphor! You know, for teen angst and how adults never understand?

Manchester Black arrives to convince Power Girl and Wonder Girl to join STAR Labs new group of super heroes. I'm not sure why Manchester Black has been so interested in getting the Teen Titans to work for him when he has his own team of heroes. I guess he just wanted a bigger roster.

Meet the new teen members: Klarion! Impulse! The Guardian! An Indigo Lantern! And the snake is probably Martian Girl! Unless Ra'ut winds up being Martian Girl even though she's a Durlan and not a White Martian.

Teen Titans Annual #1 Rating: Why is this book slipping right into the shit that made it so horrible way back in the Harvest days? Once again, we have the Teen Titans on the run from other teen heroes working for a shady corporation with lots of periods in its name. I think it's Superboy's fault. Can DC Comics just keep Superboy out of every other comic book until they figure out who he is and what they should do with him? His confusing origin and back story and history and identity fucks up everybody else's good times. New 52 Superboy is a useless mess.

Secret Origins #9

Swamp Thing
The Swamp Thing was created when a drunk frat guy pissed on and then vomited into the Greek House's mascot, a four foot tall Chia Pet lovingly referred to as Hervé Villechaize. The Chia Pet was posted outside the room the frat brothers had dubbed "Fantasy Island." Most of the fantasies that took place in the room were unsatisfying, hazy, and most likely criminal. The morning after the Chia Pet had come to life, neighbors complained of an unbearable stench coming from the house. When none of the members of the frat could be reached, a Hazmat team kicked down the front door to investigate. What they found were the half-decayed bodies of every member of the frat, their bodies propped up against walls and furniture with one arm raised to the sky, the index finger extending from the otherwise closed fist. Across the back wall, smeared in blood and faces, was the phrase, "The Plane."

I'm pretty sure that's how Swamp Thing was first introduced in House of Mystery #171 House of Secrets #92!

The account of how Alec Holland became the Swamp Thing is being written by Gaurev the Sureen based on interviews he conducted with Brother Jonah, The Wolf, and Lady Weeds. So I don't think his account is going to be any more trustworthy than my account!

The beginning of the story won't surprise anybody. Alec Holland was the shining star and number one draft pick for the job of Avatar of the Green which meant The Rot needed to kill him before he posed a threat to their power. This ended in the iconic image of Alec Holland stumbling out of his house, on fire, and face planting into the swamp.

Is that iconic? Maybe I just mean familiar!

After he died, some other Swamp Thing only pretending to be Alec Holland bumbled around during the years before Flashpoint. But then Alec Holland was brought back to life by a White Ring and the Swamp Thing realized he was nothing but a husk pretending to be an avatar and it went off to live on Mars. The Parliament of Trees pursued Alec until he was finally forced to take on the role and become the greatest Swamp Thing that ever existed (if you discount Alan Moore's Swamp Thing who might not actually have been as talented (the Thing! Not the Moore!) but fuck did it leave an impact on the comic book world).

Gaurav ends his biography with some overly emotional pap and that's that. The Swamp Thing's secret origin! That wasn't much of a secret at all, really.

Swamp Thing Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was less of a synopsis and more of a finally! Wait, I think I got that wrong. It was simply exactly what you would have expected. Look in the swamp! It's a plant! It's a compost heap! It's a monster! No, wait! It's a human! Applause.

Power Girl
I'm just guessing that this is Power Girl's origin since it's written by Paul Levitz and it begins with Superman finding a crashed ship with a flying blonde toddler in it! She doesn't have her boob window yet but then she doesn't have boobs either, so I guess it would be useless. This is normally where I try to remember everything I know about the character's secret origin but fuck if I know anything about Power Girl's Preboot origin! I never really did follow the Earth-2 kids. Or were they Earth-1 back then? It's all so confusing!

Clark brings the little girl back to his parents' farmhouse to say, "What the fuck do we do with this?!"

And then she kicked a hole straight through Ma Kent's belly.

Kara eventually gets old enough to move to the big city to live with Clark and Lois. Superman heads to the farm to pick her up, they say their goodbyes to the Kents, and then they fly away, Kara still in her civvies. Haven't any of these people ever heard of binoculars?! They really don't give a shit about secret identities, do they? I suppose Superman's whole "glasses are a good enough disguise" attitude says exactly how much he cares about secret identities. Put a little effort into it, why dontcha?

Oh, also, they don't go to the big city. They go to the deserted island because Clark is a controlling asshat.

"Honey, try to see it from my point of view. I don't need a daughter or a sister. But just remember: I love you, weapon."

Eventually Lois was killed and then Catwoman was killed and then Supergirl found her best friend, Robin. Then the world nearly blew up and Superman and Batman died saving it and Supergirl and Robin found themselves trapped in a raging river in their inflatable raft only to head over a cliff and through a portal into another land.

There they met a furry little guy named Chaka and a whole series of pylons which hid altars filled with gemstones. One of the most powerful was in a cave filled with Sleestak, terrifying lizard-like men with huge claws and big black eyes. Eventually, after lots and lots of experiments and some close calls getting home, they did figure out how to open a portal and head back to Earth-2 to see their world burn.

But before Power Girl left, she gave some of her powers and all of her money to Tanya Spears.

Power Girl Secret Origin Rating: No change. Come on, Secret Origins! Tell me some stuff that hasn't been mostly explained in the issues since The New 52 began! The new stuff about Kara being just a kid at the farm was cute but it just wasn't enough to change the ranking. Now if only they had finally included that Helena/Karen shower scene we've all been clamoring for!

John Stewart, Green Lantern
I don't remember if I ever read the Preboot story about how John Stewart was picked to be a Green Lantern. And I'm not even sure if it's been covered since The New 52 began. So maybe I'm finally going to learn some super exciting stuff that I've never known before! Finding things that I don't already know is super difficult because I know just about everything. It can get pretty boring going through life with an IQ of 28. You never miss nothin'! Or something.

Oh boy! It's another "Earth is super fucking special" story!

I'd better be nice while commenting on this story because it's probably been written by my very best almost Facebook friend in all of the world, Van Jensen. What kind of a name is Van? That sounds like a girl's name!

Oh boy! It's another "Stewart kills his friends when he must kill his friends" story!

The Guardians watching him like that he's able to yell at authority figures and design buildings. He's a lot like one of their favorite earthlings ever, Mike Brady.

John gets a job working for Ferris Air. What a coincidence! That's where lots and lots of Lantern activity takes place! What is Guy Gardner's connection to Ferris Air? Did he pass out in every pilot's bar in the area?

The Guardians crash a Manhunter into one of the runways and it begins strutting around saying, "Where is Green Lantern? Where is the one you call the Lantern Green? Where is the being that is Green and carries a Lantern? Kill all men!"

Oh yeah! I totally forgot they say that all of the time!

The Lantern Ring flies down and says, "John Stewart of Earth. You have the ability to kill your best friends. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps!" And John Stewart is all, "Now we're talking, baby!" John learns that anything he imagines, the ring creates. Luckily the first thing he imagines is a machine gun. If I had been chosen, Carol Ferris's clothes would have instantly flown off in all directions. And I would have been all "Whoops!" because I didn't know it would do that! And Carol would be all, "You knew it would do that!" And I would be all, "What? No way!" And she would have been, "We'll talk about this later in the motel room where you can take my clothes off in private!" And I would be all, "Carol is my centerfold!" And she'd be all, "Piss on the wall!" And I'd be all, "Do you remember when?" And she'd be all, "Angel in Green!" And I'd be all, "Manhunter's stink! Yeah yeah!"

John defeats the Manhunter because "no man" escapes the Manhunters and John isn't a man at all. He's an architect! Then the ring flies him to Oa to be called a Poozer.

See? I should man a psychic hotline. But people can only ask questions that any comic book lover can answer. I'd be awesome!

John Stewart Secret Origin Rating: No change. John didn't even kill any of his best friends! What a let down!

Twat Lobo #4

Now I want to draw this one in crayon too!

I've always believed that who we are doesn't really change all that much over the course of our lives. A few years ago, my dad gave me some copies of my elementary school report cards. Most of you reading this don't know me at all but I assure you that thirty seven years later, Mrs. McFarland's assessment of me in kindergarten still rings true.

11-9-76: Tess is a fine boy. He does have his 'problems' but I see progress every day. He has an excellent mind.
1-28-77: Tess continues to make great progress. He is entering into nearly all activities willingly now.
4-14-77: Tess has days when his 'mood' affects the way he participates.

Mrs. McFarland gave me a minus (which isn't good!) in the following categories:

Interacts positively with others.
Accepts guidance from others when necessary.
Feels good about himself.
Has self-discipline.
Is emotionally able to cope with problems.
Demonstrates an attempt to solve his own problems.
Uses time to his advantage.

You know what? Fuck you, Mrs. McFarland! How dare you judge me, you cantankerous old cow!

Actually, I really liked her! I remember spending an awful lot of time sitting alone while everybody else engaged in some activity or another. I did like playing in the sandbox with the rubber animals, lying on my blanket during naptime, going across the first grade playground to play in the padded gymnastics room, and playing "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" My best friend (and possibly only friend in kindergarten) was a girl named Judy. I remember stacking blocks with her but not much else.

Lately, Twat Lobo and Superman have been having some problems. They just don't seem to like each other much.

Who fucking made you king of the world?!

Fucking illegal aliens! Come to this planet and start acting like they own the thing! What gives Superman more right to be on Earth than Twat Lobo? Simply because he was here twenty something years before Twat Lobo?! Superman's just as bad as every other immigrant that ever came to the shores of America slightly before every other immigrant!

Twat Lobo wants to shoot Superman in the face but his three anchors tell him it's a bad idea. The bald anchor with the handlebar mustache references an old fucking song about how you don't tug on Superman's cape and you don't spit into the wind and you don't do a bunch of other things and you don't mess around with Jim. Or Superman. Unless he's referencing Rapper's Delight by The Sugar Hill Gang but I think that one just insults the fuck out of Superman.

Instead of throwing Twat Lobo off the planet again, Superman probably realizes he's being a controlling douche and decides to talk it out with Twat Lobo. I think they'll be best friends in no time! Even though Twat Lobo is an imbecile who constantly says "Sorry Not Sorry," he actually seems more inclined to compromise than Real Deal Lobo the Original and One and Only Lobo. That Lobo constantly got his ass kicked whenever he came to Earth, so Twat Lobo has the right idea making friends with Superman.

Twat Lobo tells Superman that he's after some guy named Snake Omega and that Snake is going to use the Planet Earth as a bullet to kill some other alien that Snake has a contract for.

At first I thought those were potatoes but I think this giant space guy just shits where he stands and lets his turds float off.

Twat Lobo should be the one using the planet Earth as ammunition! He shouldn't be an inadvertent super hero helping to save the planet! This is one of the things I hate about Twat Lobo! Even though it's a good idea that he buddies up to Superman, I still hate him for being a weak-willed asshole! Tell Superman to fuck off, ya big wuss!

Superman and Twat Lobo decide to work together to capture Snake Omega before Earth blasts its way through some alien's skull. While they search for Snake Omega, Twat Lobo decides to have a flashback.

In his flashback, Twat Lobo's world of Czarnia is falling down around him as the citizens go crazy. Twat Lobo and the princess are the only ones not infected yet so Twat Lobo says not to touch anybody since they don't know how the sickness spreads. He then immediately sticks his fingers into the eyes of an attacker. I bet he rubs his face with that hand before washing it!

Back in the present, the team-up isn't going so well.

Just suck each other's dick and get it over with.

Twat Lobo isn't able to kill Snake Omega in front of Superman because Superman has a planet sized stick up his ass. So instead, Twat Lobo's pals plant a bomb on Snake Omega's escape ship and he blows up later. Superman once more tells Twat Lobo to leave Earth, Twat Lobo promises to leave, Superman flies off, and Twat Lobo goes back to hunting Earth killers. That Superman! What a naive jerk!

Twat Lobo #4 Rating: No change. I liked the cover although it should have had more dicks in more mouths. And I liked the idea of using Earth as a bullet to assassinate some space giant. Especially if that space giant had been Oracle! I don't mind losing an Earth to kill that idiotic character.

Earth 2 #29

Gomorrah means anal!

Earth 2 is over. It was fun while it lasted! Tom Taylor is off the title. While he was on it, Earth 2 was just a little corner of the DC Universe where anything could happen. But now with World's End and the plan to merge Earth-2 with Earth-Main-Earth, editorial has turned its flaming eye upon this book to ensure it becomes a boring piece of predictable garbage, simple filler to occupy the space between now and DC's final plan of merged Earths. I suppose some characters are going to die, like Thomas Wayne and Superman (again!). Unless they decide to keep Thomas around so he can die just after an "emotional" meeting with his Earth-Main-Earth son. Sure, I don't know exactly what's going to happen, so I can still be surprised by events. But the spontaneity and the feeling that anything could happen in this title has gone. Plus, the events in this book are now just closer looks at things that have already played out in World's End. Barbara was crushed by a piece of the moon after which the Editor told me to read this book. But then the next World's End came out and Barbara was back fighting rioters.

I wonder if she'll survive Gomorrah?!

Oh no! Barbara Gordon is dead! Again?

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if the act of living for four decades hadn't completely eroded me into a beautifully polished piece of highly cynical marble? Could I enjoy comic books more if I'd somehow managed to keep a sense of wonder and innocence, cultivated my naivete so that I would gasp in wide-eyed wonder at every new observance? How does one navigate the world without the pinpoint accuracy of a highly honed GPS of cynicism?! I suppose if I didn't care about the truth of things (or, at best, the observational truth of the reality that can be experienced by our limited human senses), I might be going around exclaiming that everything is miraculous, crying over the way butter melts on toast, embracing strange children on the street because I'm so overwhelmed by their beauty and innocence, complimenting women on the shape of their calves with no ulterior motive that involves penis to vagina contact (or, if she's up for it, penis to anus contact). Even in my suppositions of what life might be like if I were filled with childlike innocence, I'm a disgusting bore! At least I still have enough self-awareness that I tear up whenever I hear these lines by the Indigo Girls:

We're sculpted from youth,
but the chipping away makes me weary.

I'm so tired. So very, very tired. And I'm a horrible sculptor!

This issue is called "Flagitious" because Marguerite Bennett is showing off her vocabulary again. I think F.L.A.G.I.T.I.O.U.S is the Earth-2 version of GLAAD, or LGBTet.al. I'd take a guess at what it means but who knows what kind of genders or sexual identities exist on Earth-2! Also, who cares? The fact that they're all still Twofers makes them less important than Main Earthers!

I hope that doesn't come off as universalist! I mean, it is, but I hope it doesn't come across that way! I don't want people to know that I hate all people from other universes for no rational reason.

The moon fell on her and she "might" have a concussion. Batgirl is a tough cookie! Dammit. Now I want a cookie.

Is calling a woman a "cookie" sexist? I don't care if it is! Throw the word "problematic" at me all day long and it will just make me build my trench deeper! I'll call all women cookies all the time! I'll even call all men cookies too just to rub it in your problematic faces! COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!

Fuck. Now I want all the cookies.

I guess the woman that just helped Babs out of the crater is Earth-2 Harlequin. She's going to be severely disappointed when she finds out that Alan Scott is gay. Except she's probably gay! Or whatever the "U" stands for in FLAGITIOUS.

Or, judging by this next panel, the Earth-2 version of Harley Quinn. That was my first guess but my fingers, knowing I was writing about Earth-2, wound up typing "Harlequin." Stupid fingers. You're all fired!

Have I been using knives wrong my entire life? I've never reloaded one once!

Instead of driving around six or seven guys huddled around a flaming trash can, Lottie Quinn stops to beat the shit out of some of them with her hammer. After satisfying her bloodlust, she packs up her hammer and drives on. I think she might be crazy!

Lottie Quinn takes Dick and Babs to her home on the pier, Gomorrah. So that's why Chicago was nearly destroyed by flaming meteorites! This is probably where I should say people who don't know history are doomed to repeat it except The Bible isn't history, no matter how loudly you tell me it is.

Dick and Babs begin getting the tour of the place when...SURPRISE!...Lottie Quinn turns on them! Earth-2's version of the Tweedles are muscular bastards that love punching journalists in the back of the head. I love them! Once Dick is knocked out, Lottie Quinn tries to throw Little Johnny out of Gomorrah because when creating a society based on anal and oral sex, you don't want to invite God's wrath by allowing children to join. I think that's what the first Sodom and Gomorrah got wrong. Too many people wanted to fuck Lot's kids and God was all, "Hell no! That's crossing the line!" And then before he cut off his Heaven-to-Earth communicator, he was heard to mumble, "Ugh. These eggs are bland. Now where's the salt? Where's the motherfucking salt?"

Time for the nightly fucking of the parademon!

Dick notes the Revelations level of crazy going on in the camp and Narration Boxes that he's never been the religious type. He follows up with "But now, with the world getting more insane by the day, the minute, the second--it was getting hard to stay agnostic." What? Why? How is the destruction of the world by an alien monster some kind of stamp of approval on religion? Since all things end, starting a religion which didn't predict the future end of the world would be crazy.

And that whole "agnostic" thing. It's such a fucking cop-out. Agnostics aren't smarter or more open-minded than atheists. They might be intellectually or spiritually lazier than atheists (the former) and the religious (the latter) because they've obviously not done enough thinking or praying on the matter. I think agnostics actually believe one way or the other except they just don't want to be associated with the side with which they theoretically agree. Something about the absolute certainty of either side rubs them the wrong way, so they refuse to commit. At least having agnostics around gives atheists and the religious something to agree on! Both sides see agnostics walking around shrugging their shoulders and think, "Spineless cowards!"

Of course I didn't mean any of that about my agnostic readers! You guys are cool! Or not cool. How can I know?!

The twins drag out Barbara to throw her in the cage with the parademon. Lucky! It's her first night in camp and she gets to fuck the parademon! Except it escapes when the cage is open and begins tearing heads off of the Gomorrahans. Dick and Babs get away on Lottie Quinn's motorcycle and zoom off to World's End #9 where Babs gets shot while Constantine watches.

Earth 2 #29 Rating: -1 Ranking. What the fuck was up with the glowing hand on the cover?! One of the things I'm sick of, DC Comics, is how you kill your own titles when you inextricably link them to some other ongoing story arc. Remember how Superboy never had his own actual story in his comic book because he was always involved in the plots in other books? Remember how Justice League of America became "The Fantasy Life of Stargirl and Martian Manhunter" during Forever Evil? More issues of that comic were spent on that nonsense than there were issues involving the entire team. And now Earth 2 has become the comic book that doesn't have anything to do, so now it's simply a vehicle for side stories from World's End. Whatever! I used to really enjoy this comic book. Stupid Darkseid! He ruined everything!

Secret Origins #7

"Featuring The Flash and more"? How bad must the other origins be for DC to not want to include them on the cover?

The Flash
This origin is easy! Barry Allen gained his powers on that day he bumped into the shelves housing all of the chemicals and they went crashing down against each other like dominoes, spilling dangerous mixtures and shattering glass containers all across the floor of the police lab. When his Sergeant came in screaming, "What the fuckity fucking fuck is fucking going the fuck on in fucking here?!", Barry Allen panicked and said, "Er...lightning!" Then the Sergeant said, "Well, don't fucking let it happen again!" And stormed out of the room, slamming the door. And then Barry Allen was struck by lightning while standing in the chemicals and all the windows shattered and furniture exploded and Barry somehow survived. His Sergeant slammed the door back open and yelled, "BAAAAAARRRRRRYYYYY!" Then Barry looked at the camera and shrugged his shoulders while holding up his outstretched palms and Captain Singh played his sad trombone somewhere in the station.
[[MORE]]
This version of Barry's secret origin begins with the most important part of Barry's origin that I can't believe I left out: PUNS! I mean, just mentioning running or being fast or being late or being quick or slow or whatever isn't really a pun but I don't know what else to call it! Sucking up to the Speed Force? Anyway, Barry likes to remember his mother on the day he had to run a race in school. See? They mentioned running! Where's my niece so I can slap her? Because that was a real niece-slap'er! Now that's a pun!

It's also the last thing Barry's mom ever said to him!

Barry is portrayed as a real momma's boy with a flair for the dramatic and a serious penchant for worrying! Maybe that's just because Barry is remembering the story of that day through an adult that knows the story ends with his dead mother all dead and stuff. Killed! Murdered! Some would even say it was...WIFEACIDE!

The police showed up to the murder scene and told Barry's father, "We're gonna run you in! Get it?!" And Barry's dad said, "That was some quick thinking, you guys!" And the cops were all, "Us cops got ta work on our race relations!" And Barry's dad was all, "Before you run me in, can I hug my son real fast?" And one of the policemen said, "Speed it up, buddy!" And Barry was all, "OH MY GOD MY MOTHER IS DEAD AND MY FATHER IS GOING TO JAIL AND MY LIFE IS RUINED!"

Was that a pun? Calling it an "open and shut" case when the door was obviously not opened or shut properly? Also, why is this kid noticing evidence at the scene that the police didn't notice?

Barry puts police tape all around the house where his mother was murdered so he can preserve the crime scene until after he grows up and gets a degree in forensics. That's what he feels he has to do after seeing the way the Central City Police arrived on the murder scene and said, "Who here isn't a dead body?" Then when Barry's dad raised his hands, they said, "Whelp, you must be the killer then."

Then one day, Barry Allen was struck by lightning and doused by chemicals! He had become...THE STREAK! I mean, THE FLASH!

As a Crime Scene Investigator, Barry has all the skills he needs to design a suit that can resist huge amounts of friction and can shrink down to fit inside of a ring. Probably. I don't know where else he got those skills. He spends some time jerking off police officers with his words. Hey Barry! Don't you think it's time we all stop worshiping the ideal of what a police officer should be and start facing the reality of what they've actually become? Shouldn't we start noticing how the only people they're protecting and serving are themselves? Don't look up to cops, Barry, to find your inspiration. Be better than them.

The Flash Secret Origin Rating: I feel like I just rewatched The Flash pilot on the CW! At the end of The Flash's story to his dad, he has a memory of seeing some person standing in the shadows in the room where his dad was cradling his mom's dead body. I bet that was Pre-Flashpoint Flash! That jerk ruined everybody's good time while trying to save his mother from getting killed! And why would he want to save his mother anyway? Does he not want to be The Flash anymore? Does he hate being a Forensic Scientist? Does he hate having to take a day out each month to go visit his father in Iron Heights? I know that would drive me crazy! And then once you're there, you have to pretend to care about this person simply because he's your father? Ugh! I'd rather sleep in!

The Huntress
Does Earth-2 The Huntress even need a Secret Origin? Isn't her secret origin simply this: Helena's father is Batman and her mother is Catwoman. Boom! Secret origin! It would only be surprising if she somehow lived a normal life.

"Happy 5th Birthday! You're a sidekick now! Stop staring at my boob!"

On the night Helena's mom died (as seen in that comic book issue that the editor doesn't remind me of with his little box of reminderation), Helena met Supergirl!

Don't mind the way Supergirl's hair slides behind her eye. It's a Kryptonian thing.

Earth-2 Supergirl's suit is cuter than regular Supergirl's suit which often makes it look like she's wearing a diaper. Earth-2 Supergirl's suit makes it look like she's wearing teeny, tiny panties. Or a jockstrap. But Karen would soon change that, just as Helena needed to change her suit.

Catwoman just hadn't been feeling like herself for the last two years for some inexplicable reason!

The Huntress Secret Origin Rating: Nothing terribly new or different in this origin. All it really did was make me remember how much I miss Worlds' Finest starring the Super Besties. Stupid DC Comics.

Superboy
This last Secret Origin should prove interesting since Superboy's history has become convoluted after a string of bad writers all took their turn at making something sensible out of his past. Instead of mentioning how awful most of that was, I'm going to agree to forget all of it and allow this story, no matter what it says, to take its place. Here, for the first time after six or seven times, is the Secret Origin of Superboy!

It begins with Kon hanging out at STAR Labs trying to figure out who he is. First thing he knows for sure: he was created in a lab. After that, things get a little muddled.

As were we all, Kon.

This Superboy's history goes through H'el on Earth where Superboy didn't die but was recruited by that stupid cosmic piece of shit nothing, Oracle, and continues during the last story arc of Superboy by Aaron Kuder. It's nice to know he doesn't have to remember any of that bullshit future crap that happened in Teen Titans when he wasn't actually himself but Joke-el.

Superboy leaves having finally figured out he's Superboy. After that, his DNA results come in! It turns out he's 45% Kryptonian, 45% Human, and 10% Other! Oh no! So, um, pretty much what we already knew before this. How about revealing that final secret, you stupid dumb fucking shithole Secret Origin?! God curse you and your loins, Frank J. Barbiere! And your editors too! I'm not letting them off the hook! I'm also not going to name them because fuck editors.

Superboy Secret Origin Rating: It was actually nice to get a concise history of Superboy all in one place that just quickly focuses on the various plot points that were important in his horrendous comic book run. This story could have been better if it took place in LA since the title was "Lab Rat" which could be read two ways if, you know, it were taking place in Los Angeles.

Futures End: Teen Titans #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don’t Put That There Chai Tea! Of course, not everybody in The Dusty Stretches is a fan of the broadcast. One example: Weasel, formerly of The Long Boxes.

"Yer probably wondering why I'm limping, right?"

A woman layered in several different varieties of dust and grime, hair matted against her scalp from grease and sweat, tattered robes of various earth tones trailing from her body, acknowledges the speaker in no way at all.

"That bitch up there. That islander bitch, Goggles, fucking shot me. Fucking cunt. Who does she think she is?"

The woman angles her trajectory slightly so that she slowly, and barely noticeably, begins to drift away from the limping man. She puts one hand on the machete tucked into the fraying rope she wears as a belt. She wants to spit in his direction but decides he isn't worth the moisture.

"Who the fuck does she think she is, anyway?" The limping man glances around and catches the stare of a crazy eyed Asian man just a few feet away. The man's limp gets noticeably worse and he shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders at the staring man, a gesture meant to italicize his earlier complaints and, hopefully, bring the other man into some kind of shared confidence. Instead, the staring man points at Weasel's oozing leg, cackles madly, claps his hands, raises them to the air, and never looks in Weasel's direction again.

"What's wrong with you assholes? You think that whore has some kind of solution to this bullshit life? You think she's gonna save us all?"

"Shut the fuck up," comes a hoarse grumble from a direction Weasel isn't looking. He glances back toward the sound of the voice and tries to match it to a dirty, miserable, dusty face. But he has to admit it could have come from any one of these poor wretches.

"Oh! Who would have guessed? Flyshit bravery from you pathetic fools! Classic! Fucking cowards, the lot of you!" Weasel feels better getting in the last word but he is too disheartened to continue his lament. If they're going to treat me like the last dog on earth, they don't deserve to hear the truth, he thinks to himself in consolation. He can't understand why these people followed a person that convinced them to not only leave their homes but to burn them to the ground as well. The only reason he followed was because being alone outside of a city, especially at night, was suicide, plain and simple. This group offers, at the very least, protection from creatures and people that prey on lone travelers and easy marks. So Weasel shuts the fuck up because he isn't willing to be left behind, and he isn't ready to die terrified and alone.

Weasel shuts the fuck up and he trudges along toward an unknown destination with everybody else. He decides he's said enough. Everybody knows where he stands by now, so now it's time for him to keep his ears open. Others must exist within this group who are as disgruntled as he is. And the longer they march, the hungrier they get, the longer it takes to find out any information about what the fuck they're going to do, the more likely people will begin to turn to his side. In a desperate situation like this, all Weasel needs do is wait.

That night, he searches amidst the small clusters of strangers around separate, blazing fires for faces he does not recognize. When he finds one, he gestures at his leg, and at the ground, and a place is quickly made for him. A woman with two small children loans him an extra pillow where he can rest his leg, and a tall blond man leans over and offers him a flask. Before Weaseal can take it, the man gasps slightly and reaches out with his other hand to pull back Weasel's bandage. The bullet wound is red, and raw, and oozing. The man bites his lower lip and, without asking for Weasal's consent, pours a little alcohol directly into the wound. Weasel emits a sharp, quick scream before looking shocked and wide eyed at the man with the flask. The man fixes the bandage, gives Weasel's thigh a hearty squeeze, and he proffers the flask once more. Weasel smiles uneasily, accepts the gift, and takes three long swallows of some low grade moonshine. He coughs, wheezes a bit, and hands the flask back to the beaming man, happy to share his concoction with a new face. Nobody offers him any food because nobody seems to have any. If they've eaten, they do not say. They remain quiet until a sallow skinned teenaged girl brings out a battery operated radio. The others smile. Some sit up straighter, eager for the broadcast about to begin. Others lie back on scruffy, flea-covered blankets. Weasel just stares into the fire, praying they won't be listening to HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea but knowing, before the static on the radio clears and Goggle's voice can begin to speak, that no gods are left to hear his prayer.

Goggles discusses the comic book "Futures End: Teen Titans #1" but Weasel only half-listens. He watches the faces of the seven strangers around the fire. They laugh at her jokes, a few of them cry when she discusses her old friend Skates and how he promised he and the others would give her the time she needed to get to some creep named Shortystuff. He and several others apparently died giving her that time, and that chance to get at Shortystuff. But though they gave her plenty of time, she never got the chance. It was all for naught and she never found Shortystuff. Most around the fire seem to agree with her future plans as she points out how Teen Titans speaks to her goals. It tells a story of rebellion and the end of corruption, about fighting back against those who think money can buy the lives and futures of the non-wealthy. Some grunt affirmations or dig their hands in the dirt as they're caught up in her decrying the richies and their way of life. But one, the man with the flask, looks sad through most of it, and he shakes his head often as he scratches a long stick in the dirt.

"A better way? Harumph," he mutters at one point. He does not argue, or condemn, or say one word of his feelings to the others. But Weasel senses in him a kindred hurt, and a deep, overwhelming sense of loss and sorrow. The world is shit and this man with the flask sees what Weasel sees...sees what Goggles cannot see...that any way to make the world better for some will only make the world worse for others. Weasel doesn't want Goggles' world, whatever the fuck it might be. And Weasel sees that this man, this stranger, this soon-to-be confidant and friend, does not trust her vision either. Weasel lies back without reaching out to this man. Not tonight. There will be time and tonight, the pain in his leg seems to have sent tendrils up through his stomach, and down near to the bottom of each foot. Too much walking, he thinks. If I could just rest, let it heal properly, everything will be okay. I could maybe even leave this group, or fight back. He smiles weakly at the thought of doing to Goggles what she did to him and his friends. He rolls over, putting his weight on his good leg, and, breathing shallowly, he falls asleep.

Weasel dies three hours later.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #34

Starfire must be killing some guy that just asked her for directions because why would two guys that kill anything that moves seem shocked that she's burning someone's face off?

Who decided that the reason men don't ask for directions is because they're arrogant, stubborn assholes that can't admit when they're lost? We need to change the conversation on that one, so let me be the first to start. The reason men don't ask for directions is because they don't feel lost as soon as they walk out the front fucking door. Not knowing the exact route to a place yet knowing the general direction one is headed means that you're not lost. I'm fairly certain as soon as a woman loses her sense of the cardinal directions, she feels lost. And if she's with a man that has not become confused about the placement of himself in our world's arbitrarily named directions but doesn't have a firm grasp on the name of the fucking street they're on, she's going to believe he's hopelessly lost and his male pride and ego won't allow for him to ask directions. Look. Some people have a good sense of direction and some people don't. But if you don't, lay off the fucking people that do. Also, some people are stubborn fuckers and if you're a stubborn fucker that can't admit that you're lost all the time, stop hanging out with women that will use you as an example of all men, you dumb asshole.

Also, about this toilet seat issue. Why the fuck does it gotta stay down? I'm not the one that winds up falling in the toilet because I was too lazy to check it. You do realize guys need to sit down when they shit, right? And lots of guys leave the seat up. But guess what? They put the fucking seat down before they sit down. Jesus Christ. Up. Down. Who gives a fuck? Take care of your own life and your own responsibilities and stop trying to make other people conform to the way you think the world should be. By the way, I'm a guy and I keep the toilet seat down because have you ever seen how fucking filthy you women get the rim underneath where your piss sprays? Oh, you haven't because you keep the seat down all of the time and when you finally do look at the fucking mess your not very directional urethra has made, you blame it on us guys. We're responsible for all the piss pooled up at the back of the toilet seat! You're responsible for all that splatter in the front where your pee hole is aimed.

Mostly though, I'm sick of all of these male/female jokes we hear over and over and over again. I blame those shitty sitcoms about married couples where the couple isn't in love at all. They're just constantly competing with each other and making the other one look like a fool. Do people not know that in a healthy relationship, you aren't constantly trying to embarrass the fuck out of your partner in front of your friends?

After that rant, I was generally surprised when I began reading and read this Lobdellized first page. For a moment there, I had completely forgotten that I was about to read twenty pages of shit!

Scott Lobdell is entirely incapable of beginning a comic book any other way than introducing the main character by name, saying a few things about the character, and making me wish I were dead. I suppose I can't begin a commentary without ranting about something that has nothing to do with comic books, so I suppose we're even. Although, and I'm trying to say this as humbly as I can, at least my beginnings are entertaining.

The book (and it pains me to call this a "book") begins with Starfire beating up aliens until one of them tells her where to find another alien she plans on beating up. You see, she was a slave and she has a problem with slavers. I suppose the only people that don't have a problem with slavers are slavers themselves. So when I pointed out she was a slave, it was just to emphasize how much of a problem she actually has with them.

Roy, being the super duper fucking genius level genius electronics master of making everything deadly, touches one button on SHADE's computer and instantly finds Starfire. I don't think Lobdell knows how to write anything but extremes. Someone is either all-powerful, or the smartest person in the world, or the fuckiest sex monster on Earth, or they're the opposite of those things. What I'm trying to say is that he's the worst.

Please just begin punching each other so I don't have to read any dialogue written by Scott Lobdell.

Instead of killing him immediately, Starfire listens to him talk about how he's changed because if he's changed, maybe he deserves to not be punished for the horrible atrocities he's committed, right? Maybe he's also stalling in the hopes that his infant granddaughter has spontaneously figured out how to call the police. I'd say he was waiting for Red Hood and Speedy to drop in and stop her from doing something she'll regret, but he doesn't know that they're on their way. And even if he did know they were going to drop by, he wouldn't think that those two maniacs would convince her not to kill.

No! No more talking! Kill him already! But make sure the fight lasts until the end of this comic book. And make sure it's done without speaking! Also no Narration Boxes!

Why doesn't Scott Lobdell ever write a silent comic book like that Batman: The Dark Knight issue by Gregg Hurwitz where Batman kills Christmas?

Oh look. It's that scene where they stop her from doing something she'll regret. I would sigh right now but I'm all out of sighs. I used them all up at this party I went to last night where some women were equating a man washing dishes with foreplay.

The ex-slaver blows his own head off with one of Speedy's more dangerous arrows after Starfire has flown away pissed off at everything. So now the guy is dead and Starfire didn't even get the satisfaction of doing it herself. Plus she's angry at her fellow outlaws. Way to go, jerkos! How dare they tell Starfire who she is and whether or not she should be able to kill that asshole. How dare they project their male ideals on how a female should react in a situation like this. They have killed people for no reason at all! To dare say that Starfire killing one person with good reason is going to spoil her somehow? How fucking chauvinist. She doesn't need these assholes to take care of her!

Since Starfire didn't get to fulfill one of her life's ambitions, she heads home and gets fucked up on Space Heroin. Now is Speedy going to tell her that she can't do that to?

Red Hood and the Outlaws #34 Rating: No change. Are the Outlaws ever going to work together in this comic book or are they constantly going to be at odds? The "Next Month in the Futures End Special Blurb" says, "Five years in the future, the outlaws turn on each other." So how is that any different than the present? I'd be more surprised if they were getting along and working legitimate careers.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #33

I wonder if Ed Benes has ever seen a woman with average sized breasts?

I'm currently reading Lolita because I have some huge gaps in my first-hand knowledge of some of the more popular books by successful novelists. I've seen some film version of Lolita that I can hardly remember and I know, from that, how creepy and icky the main character Humbert Humbert was. But I don't remember the film version playing him as quite the pedo he actually is in the book. It seemed to downplay that and focus solely on a middle aged man ruining his life by falling in love with a very young girl. And having sex with her! Don't forget the bit where he's constantly manipulating and fucking her! I mean, sure, that seems like the movie is saying, "Look! This guy is a pedo!" But it also seems like the movie is saying, "Look! This guy just made a little mistake that we all could easily make, given certain circumstances and various dark moods." Although I really don't remember the film, so I probably shouldn't be speaking on it without any clarity of how it really seemed to portray him.

Anyway, I'm only twenty-nine pages in and Nabokov makes sure the reader knows unequivocally, through Humbert Humbert's own words and actions, that he is absolutely a pedophile. Here's a short moment that really allows the reader to identify with Humbert Humbert:

I remember handling an automatic belonging to a fellow student, in the days (I have spoken of them, I think, but never mind) when I toyed with the idea of enjoying his little sister, a most diaphanous nymphet with a black hair bow, and then shooting myself.

See? If you aren't already on Humbert's side at this point, Nabokov continues with the thought that led him to this remembrance:

I now wondered if Valechka [Humbert's wife who just revealed she was in love with another man because Humbert Humbert certainly hasn't been showing any interest in her unless she completely shaved her body, strapped down her bosoms, and wore a young girl's nightshirt.] (as the colonel called her) was really worth shooting, or strangling, or drowning. She had very vulnerable legs, and I decided I would limit myself to hurting her very horribly as soon as we were alone.

At this point, the reader must be thinking, "What a man of conviction! A man with a take charge, can-do attitude! No wonder Lolita falls in love with him! He's such a strong, adult male role model, something like a caretaker that was missing from her childhood or something but which she really needed."

Of course nobody is thinking that nor, do I think, anybody picks up Lolita to be surprised that the main character, who manipulates and corrupts a young girl, is going to be a likable, heroic everyman. But I have to say that if the movie is how I remember it (and I don't know that it is!), it's doing a disservice to the book by not revealing Humbert Humbert for the predator he is, and has been, for his entire life leading up to meeting Lolita. It's also quite probable that I missed the entire first half of the movie where that shit was played up and explained! Like I said, I probably shouldn't be comparing one thing that I've barely even begun to read with another thing that I barely remember.

Bah, why not though, right? America!

One last note about Nabokov's writing before I discuss Scott Lobdell's writing which is the complete antithesis to Nabokov's. I don't really enjoy writing character driven fiction. I just don't have the patience to show a character's character through their actions. I just want to put a gigantic arrow over their head that says "ASSHOLE!" or "NOBLE" or "SHEEP-FUCKER!" But I do enjoy the act of writing critiques on pretty much anything and everything. Short stories are fine too although they tend to revolve around a central philosophical idea rather than being driven by the characters. Anyway, I said I wanted to say something about Nabokov's writing, didn't I? Let me start by saying something about H.P. Lovecraft's writing! When I read Lovecraft, he makes me want to write. I tend to begin writing projects in my head spurred on by Lovecraft's prose and then realize I've read a page or two of Lovecraft without any memory of what I'd read because I was lost in my own writing projects. But Nabokov's writing makes me want to destroy all the typewriters in the world and hang myself. He's just so fucking good at the words. He make me hate mine ability to put things. Bad Nabokov! BAD!

Maybe that's why aspiring writers need a genius like Scott Lobdell! He stands tall and shouts, "Look at my works, ye less than mighty, and hope!" And with that, let us see what horrible turns of phrase and poorly written characterizations Lobdell has for us this month!

I've only just read the title and I've already choked on my own bile and shit myself a little bit.

The issue begins with a look back at Starfire's past after she freed herself from whatever aliens had enslaved her. I think all of them. You know, Daemonites, Czarnians, Thanagarians, Citadelians, Otakus, The Penile-Headed People of Vega III, the Tamaraneans, and probably all the others I can't remember at the moment. She's on a "goodwill" tour (hence the stupid name of the issue!) through the "Peace Corridor." I suppose the "Peace Corridor" is so named because it's not really peaceful at all. It's probably only peaceful because all the aliens which live within it are oppressed and forced to smile or else they're taken out back to an asteroid to be shot.

As we soon find out, even stupid faced cat guards that normally don't think about anything but guarding stuff know something isn't quite as it seems with Starfire's "Good Will Hurting" tour.

I didn't realize the cat people of Eseru Prime had opium and Groucho Marx.

The real opiate of the masses is free speech. As long as people feel like they have a voice and can post misogynist comments on YouTube videos, they feel free and in control! And as such, there is no need for rebellion or a desire to change the system. The most dangerous thing a society can do is tell people that they can't say certain things or use specific words in a game of Scrabble. That's when all hell breaks loose and the walls come crumbling down! A nice side effect of free speech being the opiate of the masses is all the infighting that occurs with the citizens of a country as they argue about which words are appropriate for general usage and which words shouldn't be said by anybody. While the populace bickers about trying to control an uncontrollable monster like language, the power hungry bastards trying to ru(i)n everything sit back and shove cigars up their asses! That's how the Reptilian Elite smoke cigars. It's a fact!

Look! An error in a Scott Lobdell comic book! *point emphatically*

Textual errors are the opiates of Scott Lobdell's writing. While everybody is distracted with the typos and homophone mistakes, nobody notices how awful everything else about Lobdell's script actually is.

Horrible feet are the opiates of Rob Liefeld's drawings. People complain so much about his inability to draw feet that they miss the bigger picture: he can't draw anything!

One thing Scott Lobdell has done this month that I approve of is his use of thought bubbles for Starfire's voice over Narration Boxes. That means her thoughts are in the moment instead of being spoken by some odd future version of her that already knows how this story ends. He has also chosen to go with the omniscient narrator for the voice in the Narration Boxes. Lobdell is just making old school choices all over the place!

I do wish that he'd stop using "so-called" to describe nearly everything though.

Anyway, Starfire is investigating some strange goings onses in the Aforementioned Catacombs beneath the Royal Palace. That's a strange name for a series of catacombs but who am I to judge what an alien race of cat people call things? Although I would have expected something like Vile String Catacombs or Ephemeral Red Laser Bug Catacombs or Shiny Shiny Shiny What Was I Doing Catacombs or Pet My Tummy Now You're Going To Die Catacombs or This Food Sucks I'm Going To Eat My Litter Now Catacombs or In Then Out Then In Then Out Then In Then Out Catacombs. Oh, that reminds me of a poem I wrote a long time ago.

The Cat
By Grunion Guy

Eat. Sleep.
Sleep. Eat.
It's in my seat.

Within the Aforementioned Catacombs are dozens of slaves! Kori has come to free them which she does. She frees them. She frees them all! Helping her are the crew of the Starfire, Depalo the Dominator and Kitt'n the Sexually Lubricated. Sorry. That sounded disgusting. I apologize for typing it and then not deleting it and then uploading it to the internet and then slipping it into the text sideways so that it waylaid you and you had to read it. My bad.

Anyway, Kori traveled up and down the Peace Corridor for years rescuing slaves on each of her "Goodwill Hurting" Tour stops. I guess interstellar communication and good old detective work hadn't been invented yet in the Peace Corridors since, for years, nobody ever noticed the pattern. Princess Kori stops by to tell everybody everything will be okay and then, later that night, all the slaves escape. I think I might have noticed that pattern after about one year or so, depending on how many stops she made each month. But then I'm as good a detective as Batman and also an Earthling, so I'm obviously smarter than any aliens. It's the ability to feel emotion and the never give up attitude of Earthlings that make us special, you know! At least that's what popular science fiction has taught me.

S.H.A.D.E. stands for that? I could see A.G.O.G.S.M.A.M.T.H.O.M.A.M. standing for that. But not S.H.A.D.E.

Kori has exited for from the Ant Farm leaving Red Hood and Roy Harper to figure out why she freaked out. I bet it has something to do with her Goodwill Hurting Tour!

Red Hood has more than one six? Is he extra-dimensional?

Within the capsule that arrived at the Ant Farm with a hologram saying, "Save us Kori. You're our only hope," are a bunch of dead alien slaves. Roy Harper starts throwing punches because Langstrom says something that upsets him (reasonable!) which forces Dr. Langstrom to turn into Man-bat so the Outlaws will fall in line. Jason Todd is surprised by this revelation because he never did his Bat-Homework. Also because I guess in The New 52 timeline, Men-bat are more associated with the League of Assassins than Kirk Langstrom.

Meanwhile Starfire finds herself in Mos Eisley looking for some information. She's not very subtle about it because she learned about extracting information from Jason Todd and Roy Harper. So instead of learning anything, she just finds herself in the middle of a battle with a whole bunch of aliens. But that battle will take place next week, same Red Hood Time, same Red Hood channel!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #33 Rating: No change. Holy Vatican Shit Stains, Popeman! I actually didn't despise a comic book by Scott Lobdell! Sure, there were some amateurish mistakes and a heavy reliance on common tropes and character reactions but you have to look at the bigger picture. It's a story that makes sense and is driven by Starfire's history and experience. And I applaud Scott Lobdell for not making me suffer through page after page of Roy Harper Narration Boxes. I think he's beginning to take my advice by bringing back thought bubbles and omniscient narrators (within limits, of course! Nobody likes those old school Narration Boxes that just describe what you can already see happening in the panel). The only thing I really despised about this comic book was the cover. What the fuck was that? It's not alluring. It doesn't draw my attention. It has no personality. It's just the three main characters engaged in action packing! That's something people engage in, right? Boring!

Superboy #23

Oh fuck me. Two Superboys? I'm beginning to think I spent my twenties incorrectly and I really should have overdosed on Psilocybin.

Look at these idiots. Superboy can't throw a punch but it doesn't matter since Superboy also can't block a punch! I'm also fairly certain, with my intense knowledge of real world physics, that heat vision would not block heat vision. It's not like two trains barreling down the same track and smashing head-on into each other. Unless it is. I wonder if two Superboys staring into each other's eyes and blasting out some X-rays would be like a super collider? Also, how does Superboy's vision powers work? It's not like eyes emit anything! They just accept light into them. What's going in in the Kyrptonian physiology that's allowing for their eyeballs to blast out heat and x-rays and small, furry mammals? That's a power, right? Superman's Gerbil Vision? I'm pretty sure it's canon except Supes is just too embarrassed to use it.

The Kryptonians must have a special organ located behind the eyes that allows for emitting shit from them. But if that's so (and it has to be! I've watched enough House and Trapper John, M.D., and Doogie Howser to know all about biology and medicine!), why don't Kryptonians have these special eyeball powers on Krypton? Wouldn't Superboy be blind every time he was blasting shit out of his eyes? I suppose with his x-ray vision, he's not emitting any particles but somehow simply seeing on the ass end of the light spectrum. But somebody's going to have to explain to me how this Heat Vision works. I don't need an explanation of his Gerbil Vision because I can simply accept powers that I fucking love to death.

Last issue, Superboy was getting attacked by monsters. And by monsters, I mean high school students. And by high school students, I mean monsters that actually turned into physical monsters. I think this was an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Or maybe three different episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Possibly the entire first three seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

This issue begins with bestiality!

Pretty soon, Superboy learns the most painful truth of high school: he was the true monster all along.

Also the girl that was invisible to everybody. She was the mostest biggerester monster of them all!

The lesson so far is that if you don't play high school politics, or you can't fit into a social clique, or you've never been good at making friends and spend most of your time in isolation, you're fucking up the high school experience for everybody else! Nobody wants to see you wandering down the hall with your binder pressed to your bosom and your eyes cast down on the floor, hurrying from class to class just trying not to be noticed. They don't want to be reminded of how they all feel on the inside by your total lack of ability to hide your insecurities and flaws. Stop bringing everybody else down, you monster! Smile! Make friends! Join a club! Run for Student Body! Just stop being picked on and bullied because nobody likes you, you monster!

Go get that fucking bitch, Superboy!

Does Krypto have "supersniffer" powers? How the fuck do you think he got to Earth? He followed Superman's crotch molecules from Krypton to Earth by way of The Phantom Zone! If he can't find this High School Monster immediately, I'm going to write Justin Jordan a strongly worded email about how he doesn't know shit about The New 52 Continuity and he's fucking up everything by not understanding Krypto's power levels!

I wonder who would win in a fight? Krypto or The Incredible Hulk? I should send that one in to Fantasy Face-Off!

Have I mentioned that the movie Face-Off is only one of two movies I've ever fallen asleep during in a theater? That's one fucking confusing movie to wake up in the middle of!

Krypto tracks down the Mousy Brown-Eyed Monster in just one page! Good thing because I really didn't want to have to lambast Justin Jordan after he had to work closely with Scott Lobdell for a couple of months. He's already had the worst year imaginable, I imagine! Justin Jordan also decides to make the "Superbark" canon. Now if he'd only make the Super Dogfart Canon, he'd be my hero for the amount of time before I completely forget that he was my hero.

Actually, I'm pretty sure lack of thumbs is absolutely an excuse not to be able to open a door.

California used to have billboards which read, "She said she's eighteen is no excuse." Actually, it kind of is, isn't it? I actually know someone that has had his life fucked in pretty amazing ways due to statutory rape laws. He's been labeled a sex offender for dating a seventeen year old woman online and then meeting her and having sex with her. I don't know whether he knew how old she was or not, and if he did, well, he should have known better. But the system also should know better and deal with these things case by case. He is now a sex offender. Exactly the same as child molesters and rapists. Even though he had sex with a consenting "adult". I understand why statutory rape laws exist. Because adults can and do corrupt and manipulate youths. But the age of consent is such a fabricated boundary that there are apt to be cases that blur the law's belief that these things are black and white. The woman's parents pressed charges against him, just as they'd pressed charges against two other men previously. And I believe he did jail time and mandatory therapy where he was treated as if he had to deal with his urges to have sex with children. Which he doesn't have. But, you know, sex offender!

Believe it or not, law, sometimes adults (especially nerdy, overweight, socially incompetent adults) can be manipulated by people half their age. But then this is just one example of why I can't stand the American Justice System. Because it has never been, and will never be, about justice. The majority of it is just about producing a false sense of security so that the middle class can feel that their HDTVs are safe from crackheads.

Let's get back to the "That's no excuse!" thing! I fucking can't stand when people say that and I would nearly lose my mind when I heard teachers using it in junior high and high school. "I don't want excuses." "That's not a reason; it's an excuse." "NO EXCUSES!" What they were all basically saying was, "I don't believe life happens to anybody so you'd better just get your shit together no matter what and do whatever the fuck it is I wanted you to do." Because even if you had a reason for being late or not turning in an assignment or dripping blood all over the floor from the knife wound in your side, they were never reasons to teachers! They were always excuses! Like everybody was just trying to get one over on them all the time and they weren't going to be fucking fooled by these asshole kids! I wish I could yell so loudly that it would time travel and blast every fucking teacher who ever said that to me right in the fucking face. I'm going to try. Here it goes! "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!"

I hope it worked! I'll probably have to apologize to all the neighbors tomorrow.

Back to Krypto crashing through the door, he comes flying back out through the wall on the next page. Because the Mousy Monster of McDuffie High has turned into Superboy #1!

Or something. I really don't know where this Superboy came from or why he's here or what he has to do with this High School. Maybe he was also undercover doing some detective work!

Superboy and Superboy end up by Little Miss Individualistic keeping watch over knocked out Doctor Psycho (who is surprisingly not very psycho). Bad Boy Superboy threatens her and that's when Superboy makes that realization I realized he was going to make earlier about how he's the True Monster. He's actually the only Superboy in the room, so now he has to stop punching things and begin thinking about things. Where did the Mousy Monster go? How is she involved in this? How is he going to get to second base with Eliza?

And by finally taking a moment to Instagram the entire mess so he can post it on Facebook with a caption of "WTF? LOL!", he figures out who is behind all of the hallucinations he's been having which have caused him to act like a monster. And it's not little invisible nobody at school likes me Shift. I mean, it's partially her. She's the person I think Superboy is supposed to find and help before H.I.V.E. could get her. No, the person behind even her is a guy I'm actually really happy to see!

At least his New 52 outfit is a better upgrade than Brother Blood's.

Superboy #23 Rating: +3 Ranking. Why is Superboy fighting everybody with "psycho" in their names? Why is he dealing with all of the psionics? I'm starting to believe this comic book is entering Steppenwolf territory. Did Superboy wander into a magic theater at some point? Is all of this just a journey through his inner psyche to learn who he actually is? That would actually be pretty fucking cool but I have a feeling it's all going to fall apart because Justin Jordan has walked off this title.

Looking up reasons for his departure, I stumbled upon an interview with him when he first took on the title.

Newsarama: Justin, I'm going to ask for some specifics right up front, because you've been telling people (including me a few months ago) that you're taking the Superboy book in a new direction. We saw the first issue, which was pretty action-packed. But as you move forward with this storyline, what does "new direction" mean?

Justin Jordan: Less Harvest and H’El for one thing. [Laughs.]

Ha ha ha! I see you winking at us all with that comment, Justin! I see what that wink means. It says, "Scott Lobdell writes the shittiest shit in a town that decided against naming itself Shitsville because they didn't want to frighten away the tourists." You the man, Justin!

Katana #7

In this issue, Katana decides which man better completes her.

Will Tatsu be known as Katanas from now on? She just had her Soultaker reforged and she's not using it? Because I'm fairly certain Soultaker doesn't have a hilt like these swords. It has kind of a melted demon face motif going on or something. Anyway, I hope Katana kills Sickle and exorcises Maseo.

This issue is called, "What happened THAT night?" What night?! What did I miss? What the fuck are you on about, Ann Nocenti?!

Shun the Untouchable, the Tattoo Artist missing a foot and possessed by a little girl spirit, is visiting Junko the Drunken Master. I think Shun is missing a foot. I should probably remember plot points better since I'm constantly claiming to be a master comic book reader. I suppose I'm not staking Master Comic Book Rememberer territory! I'd look through my back issues of Katana but I'm using my comic book boxes for a foot rest, so that's not going to happen.

At least I know my limits.

Whew. All I had to do was turn the page!

I thought maybe the line about Shun biting down on the stick like a dog was about her foot being cut off. But she's also an untouchable sex slave, so she really could have been describing her Saturday night. I really shouldn't make light of sex slaves being treated like dogs since it's a terrible, horrible, vicious problem in this world. Why, I wonder, does anybody try to portray masturbation in a negative light when celebrating its usefulness might actually put a small dent in the amount of sexual crimes on this planet. Let's celebrate masturbation! You know Holi, the Festival of Colours? We should have something like in America except for masturbation.

You know what? On second thought, that celebration might actually wind up causing sexual crimes. Or, at the very least, a horribly sticky mess.

Tatsu examines the rest of Shun's tattoos and discovers that there are more Outsider Clans than just the Sword Clan! One of the tattoos is a Green Arrow. Like her partner in Justice League of America! And then while searching Shun's body, she makes a horrifying discovery!

I think that's what I said when I first saw one too.

Of course Ann Nocenti doesn't reveal what Katana has discovered. Nocenti comes from the school of writers who like to use Undramatic Irony. That's where a character in the story knows some horrible or interesting or amazing secret that the reader never gets to learn. But the character makes sure the reader knows that she knows something or has discovered something, like in the panel above. Sometimes Lobdell a writer will have a character think, "I hope nobody discovers my secret!" And the reader is supposed to scoot to the edge of her seat and wait for the exciting reveal of the secret. I hate this shit when a bad writer is doing it. It just makes me think, "Oh, Ann Nocenti has no idea where her stupid fucking story is going but she has to create some kind of dramatic tension, so she lets the reader see the character be shocked by something and then leaves it at that."

Now I haven't moved past that last panel, so maybe Ann Nocenti will have Katana Narration Box what she discovered immediately on the next page. But I have a feeling that's not going to happen. In the meantime, please join me in Tales of Fucked Up Narration, won't you?

These Narration Boxes aren't so bad. But let's begin with these as a control.

Katana, if you don't believe the lies of the tattoo artist and you also think the woman with the tattoos is crazy, why the fuck do you keep going back to her for information? Oh, I remember! Because Ann Nocenti comes from yet another school of writers known as the School of Movement Through Prophecy. In this school, stories do not evolve organically from a protagonist's motivations or flaws or desires. The protagonist is moved like a pawn on a chessboard by outside influences telling the protagonist what is likely to occur in the future. The television show Heroes is one of the best examples of this horror. If you take away all visions of the future, the story never fucking happens. So Katana needs the tattoos to motivate her and keep some forward movement in the comic book.

But apparently Nocenti doesn't need to rely on the Mystery Tattoo (or genitalia) that Tatsu observed earlier. Because Katana still has to infiltrate the Sword Clan after several issues of trying and nearly succeeding and then beginning a new issue so that Katana forgot she was succeeding and needed to begin again. So here we are back at Square Fucking One: Katana needing to infiltrate the Sword Clan.

Immediately after the previous Narration Boxes, Tatsu is buzzed by a falcon.

Here Tatsu has three conversations in her head at once. "Trained falcon. Seemed deliberate. Great weapon." I'm hoping that she puts them together on the next page because I can't figure out the mystery! I think she's reading too much into it. Birds attack my face all the time! It's nothing.

Katana decides that she's too busy right now to investigate the falcon, so she'll follow it's trail back to its master tomorrow. I'm not sure how you follow the trail of a bird a day later but then I'm not Japanese. Or a woman. Or a warrior. It's probably one of those things that enables her to follow a falcon's day old trail. Unless it's just the bird shit.

I think that's just an Urban Legend!

Oh! Oh! I know this story! I know what happens next!

My favorite part of the story is when the woman you're supposed to be rescuing kicks you in the head and kills you.

In a previous commentary, I explained how I don't spend enough time discussing the art, so this paragraph will try to rectify that. The art fucking sucks.

That wasn't very constructive! I should try harder. Um, I like the hands. The hands are usually drawn well. The faces are terrible though. It's like Sanchez draws from the feet up and when he gets to the neck, he falls apart and loses all talent. Perhaps his college could only afford headless nude models in anatomy class?

No, you know what. For once I'm not going to express my opinion as uncontested fact. Alex Sanchez's style just doesn't suit me. I am not enjoying it. But it's his style and it isn't as if he can't draw. He's definitely very good at it. His style just doesn't hit my sweet spot. I'll leave the exact location of my sweet spot to your imagination.

It's my testicles!

After being attacked by the falcon, Tatsu stumbles upon the Japantown Brothel on fire. The prostitutes flee to find a better life while Madame Yoko declares Japantown is over. Yeah, all the fucking hipsters ruined it, coming around with their Japanese monster t-shirts and their One Cup Sake. It was an uncool place to hang out and feel cool before it became a cool place to hang out because it was so uncool. Oh, and don't refer to the Japanese monsters on their t-shirts as Japanese monsters because they've figured out that they're called Kaiju thanks to Pacific Rim and they'll sneer at you and smirk at their friends if you call them "Japanese Monsters." Although they'll do the same thing if you call them "Kaiju" and just remark how you probably only know that due to Pacific Rim.

I miss the Kaiju Cafe on Belmont in Portland. They had delicious vegetarian paninis and Japanese monsters. Oh! I think I have a picture of me there but I doubt you can see any Japanese Monsters!

You can see some toys in the other room but that was The Missing Link. Although they had monsters too! This was immediately after my first hair cut in probably twenty years.

And just for comparison's sake, here I am twenty years ago in my Lobo shirt and on acid. I was sober in the first picture.

Katana also finds out that her place of employment has been completely trashed as well. So she decides her best move is to get the fuck away from anybody else that can get hurt by her proximity. But first she has to check in on Junko and Shun since they've been in her sphere of influence recently. They're just having a barbecue.

Goddammit! Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm is already airing repeats! We already learned about Rope-a-dope!

After the barbecue and a brief scene showing that Jack Ryder is still drunk and uninteresting (even if he is possessed by The Creeper), Katana and Shun head out to join the Sword Clan. The only way to join the Sword Clan is to beat the Sword Clan. And then Katana can infiltrate the Sword Clan with the help of Sickle. But since she'll already have joined, I don't know why she needs Sickle's help to infiltrate. Anyway, her plan must be somewhat different now that she has an Untouchable Sidekick.

See? I approve of Alex Sanchez's lower torso! Very nicely done. This is right up there with Nightwing's bottom.

Katana battles the Sword Clan and hacks a bunch to pieces. Now that the Soultaker was reforged without the ritual, does that mean it no longer takes souls? I'm going to assume that's true and Katana will not be speaking with her sword anymore. Although I'm sure I'll find out by the end of this thing because Sickle and Maseo's ghost just appeared to debate which one Katana can work with. Because she obviously can't love one and work with the other. Or love them both. Or not love either and work with both. She has to choose only one to be friends and lovers and work partners with! So Sickle tells her how to remember THAT night! The night she...KILLED HER HUSBAND!

Zing!

Why didn't Maseo ever get a weapon name? Why didn't they go around calling him Throwing Star? I'm glad he's out of the picture because he had a stupid normal name. How was I supposed to know what weapon to defend against if he attacked me with a name like Maseo?

Sickle and Katana head back to find Shun tied up with Coil standing over her. Coil declares that the only way Katana can rule the Sword Clan is to defeat him.

Wait. What? I thought she just wanted to infiltrate? But she wants to run the whole thing? Perhaps Coil only believes she wants to run it all since everybody has now seen Shun's belly tattoo which showed Katana with her foot on a dragon's head with flames behind her. Obviously that means she's going to bring an apocalypse down on the world. No other interpretation on that one, is there?

You know what's really stupid about this ending with Coil challenging Katana to battle? It already fucking happened! Katana defeated Coil at the beginning of Issue #2 and refused to join the Sword Clan! Look, I'll help you remember:

See? Coil defeated. Dead to rights. No meaning no she doesn't want to join the Sword Clan.

But I suppose Katana has every right to change her mind after she learned so much more. Although after defeating Coil, in the VERY NEXT PANEL, she declares, "Coil's too good. Can't fight him yet." And then she goes after a novice to try to turn him to her side to help her infiltrate the Sword Clan! Ugh! Is this book going in spirals on purpose? Is there a Gertrude Stein thing going on here? Am I supposed to viscerally feel how the plot is like Coil's sword? Am I supposed to be experiencing being on the receiving end of Coil's sword? Because by that measure, this book is succeeding!

Katana #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. I bet the first Katana Trade will begin with Issue #1 and then skip right to Issue #8 since one ends with Katana about to battle Coil and eight is beginning with that fight. Just throw the rest of this shit in the fucking Dumpster. Oh, and finally, I should just like to point out that the cover had the wrong inkers on it.