Supergirl #40

I forget. Which one of these characters was looking for a dick? I mean besides Dorothy.

I probably should have saved my story about the fire on stage while working for a junior theater production of The Wizard of Oz for this issue! But since I already told that story in my Batgirl #22 Review, I'll just mention that I got to play the Great and Powerful Oz in that production! I didn't play the wizard or have any lines or anything. But I did get to be on stage behind the big head running the smoke machine! So I was kind of the wizard. And then when all the kids (I was barely in my twenties and they were all seventeen or eighteen so "kids" is just the technical term) were pretending to search for Toto, they kept looking behind the giant head at me and screaming "Toto?!" in my face.

I mentioned this last time as well but I think it's worth repeating: the Scarecrow from that production went on to star in Julie and Jack, the first film by director James Nguyen of Birdemic! fame. That would be at the top of my resume forever.

Last issue, Supergirl learned the terrible secret of her new college: CLONING! All colleges have terrible secrets but they usually involve hazing and the faculty's penchant for covering up rape charges. I hope The Crucible Academy doesn't allow the Clones to have their own Greek House or this college will also soon have the other usual secrets as well.

I don't understand what makes clones so obedient. Wouldn't they just be a pain in the ass? After their creation, you'd still have to teach them to speak your language and how to use the toilet and how to fire a gun and how most people frown on exposing their genitals to other people in public places. Just hire some mercenaries.

Supergirl's friends Tsavo and Comet teleport into the room and begin kicking ass. Comet sure recovered quickly! How did Tsavo know where to find him? Does Supergirl just give out Mike-hole's address to everybody she meets? "Oh, if you need me, you can probably find me here not sucking Mike's dick at all. Ever." Maybe I wasn't supposed to remember that Kara left Comet snoring in Mike's bed last issue. It's also possible I'm not remembering a scene where Tsavo goes back to get him and Mike's parents are all, "What the fuck is this gigantic, humanoid, feral cat doing in our living room?!"

Tsavo breaks Amata and Maxima out of their pods so that they can help rescue all of the other students. They have to stop the cloning process but Supergirl warns the others to be careful since all the other pods are connected to Kon's pod. But since they just broke Amata and Maxima out of their pods without any problem, why can't they just break open all of the other pods as well? Then nobody will be connected to Kon and they can smash his too! Maybe. I might be making it easier than it really is because comic book logic is anything but logical.

Whoa! Watch the bum, Korstus!

It's never too late to stop the future! It's usually too late to stop the present. And it's always too late to stop the past! That's just how time works! This guy is the worst teacher in the school. I should also be upset that they, once again, made the gay guy the bad guy but I'm not. Also, Korstus might not be gay.

Everybody in the fight is perfectly matched! Teacher battles teacher! Giant humanoid feline battles giant humanoid feline while nearby, beautiful, nearly naked Maxima performs split kicks and boob butt showcases! Comet has nobody to battle because Tsavo pointed out he should be fighting the other cat person so Comet just goes off to think about the hand job he received from Mike. Supergirl is paired with Kon but not in battle. She's busy extricating himself from the cloning machine.

What happens when you clone a clone? Doesn't the product degrade every time you copy anything from another copy of the original source? Maybe they should have just used Supergirl to make their clones. I don't think Korstus thought this through very well. Although he does call them "clonelings." Maybe Clonelings are easier to control than normal clones. And they have the kind of name where you'd expect them not to understand language or toilets.

Kara frees Kon and saves the day. Everybody rejoices except Korstus and Roho because their day was not saved at all. But now the cloneling facility needs to be destroyed so Kara and Kon send everybody away while they blow it up with their non-ridiculous heat vision. If it were cold vision though...so stupid!

Amata promotes herself to the High Council of Whatever and gives her job as Preceptor to Tsavo. He takes on Maxima as Vice Preceptor and the rest of his friends decide to abandon him and the school.

Tsavo and Superboy sitting in a tree!

Hopefully Kara heads back to Earth to live with Silver Banshee and not get an apartment with that awful Mike-hole. How can she not see that he's pure evil?! But before Kara can leave, Maxima tells her that she wants to put her tongue in Kara's butthole. Kara is flattered and happy that she has friends and a place that accepts her for who she is. And Maxima probably won't use her mind powers to put naughty suggestions into Kara's head when they have sleepovers.

Kara returns to her job where Mike stops by for some banana bread and showboating. Go to hell, you asshole! Nobody needs you in this comic book trying to put your wiener in my girlfriend! Go take a long roll down a short pier, fuckface! After taking her break to speak with Mike-hole, Kara goes back to work and pricks her finger while putting her nametag back on. Either the pin on her nametag is made of kryptonite or Mike-hole's fiendish plan has begun! I knew that guy was bad news!

Supergirl #40 Rating: +1 Ranking. It feels like they're beginning a story arc to tone down Supergirl's powers but then I don't know how super Supergirl is going to be if her skin can be pierced by a tiny little needle! It could be some villainous plan or it could just be trying to make her more relatable than her little cousin Superman. I just hope she meets back up with Silver Banshee so she can have a best friend on Earth who isn't trying to bang her. Although the Silver Banshee may have been gay. I forget! If she is, she's better stay away from my Supergirl too!

Earth 2 #32

Why has nobody taken Fury aside to tell her that her outfit makes no fucking sense?

Let's change our language regarding sexual identity! From now on, our sexual identity should be expressed by the sexual organs with which we want to interact. So if you love vagina, you'd be a Vagetarian. And if you like dick, you'd be a Cockivore. If you liked them both, you'd be at the Omnibuffet. If you're not into any sexual organs, you'd just carry a napkin around and when somebody asks, you'd hold it up to your lips as if you were covering a burp and shake your head no. If you're just into ass play, you're a Regular at the Salad Bar. I think this fixes the entire conversation on sexual identity! Where's my Nobel Cock Ring?

One of the issues with sex is that I think the younger a person is (yet still being old enough to be all into doing it big time and a lot!), the more pressure that person feels to seem kinky and outrageous in the bedroom. A lot of unnecessary bragging goes on during the first decade or two of sexuality. There's a need to impress a partner with wild flailing or pushing boundaries or even involving yourself in sexual situations where you find yourself ultimately uncomfortable but press on for the sake of how your partner sees you. Eventually though, you hit a certain age where you just want you and your partner to have a good time that ends in orgasm for both parties. You don't need to impress anybody or be afraid that your vanilla sexy style is going to bore your partner. You just do to your partner things they like that bring them to orgasm and hope your partner reciprocates by doing things you like that will bring you to orgasm. You don't need wild flailing or breathy moans or Lovecraftian sex talk (unless you're fucking me and then you'd better do some research) in the bedroom. You just need to be the nakedest, most trusting and open version of yourself. And maybe a bull whip and some Ben Wa balls.

Passionate, experimental, youthful, trying hard to impress sex can be a lot of fun. But it can also be exhausting. After a certain age, it's just nice to find a trusting partner with whom you can have relaxing, comfortable orgasms! Did I mention the exhilarating pleasures of dangerous sex involving strangers with loaded guns? Should I not have mentioned that? Should I delete the link to the website where you can meet up for that? Yeah, I probably should.

Um, Earth-2 has people on it and they have sex as well! Whew! What a smooth segue!

See? The comic opens up with some Kryptonian sexy talk.

I wonder if Oracle's kink (the New 52 Galactus created by Scott Lobdell and not the Preboot Babs in a wheelchair version) is that he can only get off while watching worlds die? So Oracle sends out that guy with the horn to find dying planets so that he can rush over and jerk it while he watches the planet die.

This is the last issue of Earth-2, so Earth-2 is probably going to get fucked by Apokolips. Literally!

Ha ha! Right. "Drill."

After The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick points out the drill, Hawkcop quotes the Earth-2 version of Star Wars: "That's not a drill--it's a modified satellite." That didn't even end in an exclamation point which can only mean Earth-2 Star Wars was boring.

While The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick and Hawkcop joke about the "drill," Doctor Cocoa Puffs whines and pouts about how he failed his friends and abandoned them during the battle. And since the battle is still raging, Doctor Cocoa Puffs throws down the helmet and continues to abandon his friends while completely hating himself.

Commander Sato brings up to speed the only hero that can possibly save everybody: Replacement Batman! At least I think he's the only person that can save them by some kind of Bruce Willieian sacrifice. He can't make it back to Earth-Main-Earth because that would make Bruce Wayne cry constantly. So he's going to have to become a martyr to give everybody else a chance to escape. Commander Sato's quote's Earth-2's version of Red Dwarf to get her message across to Replacement Batman. "Dead, Batman. They're all dead. Jimmy Olsen? Dead, Batman. The Avatars of Earth? All dead. Everyone is dead, Batman."

And then the super hot sex scene that's making me super uncomfortable in the pants.

Just so we're clear: I'm totally against planetary rape and planetary rape culture.

Steel finally gets to have some time with the talking stick and he describes that time way back in Issue #13 where he went into the firepit and met the Red Avatar. He starts talking about choices and hope and living and dying but since he's military, he can't help but ruin anything he previously said by ending his speech with "do your damn duty." Fuck you, Steel! Sometimes walking away from your damn duty is the more ethical decision! I hate you!

Commander Sato gives an impassioned halftime coach to the players speech which ends with "Ten against the gods!" I'm disappointed that nobody says, "Gods? Never tell me the gods!"

Oh Val-el. What happened to your incessant mantra of "There's got to be another way"?

I had such high hopes for a pacifist Superman who always stuck to his principles, refusing to throw a single punch while always finding another way to use his powers to subdue or defeat his enemies. But he's just going to become the same old guy that constantly resorts to throwing punches, isn't he?

Hawkcop and Doctor Cocoa Puffs penetrate the "drill" to find and destroy its power source. They discover a glowing ball of fire which is probably a decent representation of an alien power source, so Hawkcop begins shooting bullets into it. She seems surprised when her "guys" (how cute! She calls her guns her guys!) are powerless against it. But Doctor Cocoa Puffs saves the day, proving that he can wield the Helm of Nabu without going completely bonkers. I think it's time to upgrade his name to Doctor Froot Loops. Froot Loops are less crazy than Cocoa Puffs, right?

So the satellite is destroyed but that doesn't mean Apokolips has been defeated! There's still more story left for the Earth-2 wonders over in that piece of extreme garbage, World's End! I mean, that excellent weekly periodical!

Earth 2 #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. For once some of the important action got to take place in Earth-2 instead of World's End! That made this issue reminiscent of a postcard from Devil's Tower that liberally interprets the Lakota myth of its creation.

Supergirl #39

Harley seems super excited to see Kara's Kryptonian Sunstone collection.

I'm sure most of you are wondering why I didn't come up with a dirty caption for this cover. Well, fuck you. I did! You just don't remember the issues of Supergirl where she was floating in the clouds sticking sun crystals in her vagina. Don't take it from me though! Supergirl's quite forthcoming about her use of the sunstones!

I assure you that this panel has not been changed by me. Probably.

And here she is powering up her FWASH! ability.

Look how veiny it is!

This seems like a not very apt time to point out that I've been crying a lot lately. Probably the reason I'm falling behind on my commentaries again. I almost started crying in Starbucks yesterday morning which would have been really embarrassing because the staff seems to be the kind of people that would have pointed at me and laughed. Maybe one would have even come out from behind the espresso maker and kicked me in the groin for good measure. I probably still would have tipped them.

It's not like I've been avoiding doing commentaries because I think my laptop will short out from all the snot dripping down my face. It's just that I've been playing a lot of Magic the Gathering on the Xbox because it keeps my mind off of my stupid dead cat and his stupid dumb dying like a dumb dumb. That was four months ago anyway, so fuck him! I should go dig him up and spit on him! Will that make me feel better?!

If anybody wants to challenge me to a game of Xbox One Magic the Gathering, send me a friend request which I swear I probably won't totally ignore. My Xbox Live name is The Red Lizard.

You know what feature I miss in these Supergirl commentaries? That part where I ended with a picture of her bum! I'm going to start doing that again because she has the cutest bum in The New 52 (way better than Grayson's. I'll fight anybody that thinks different). I stopped doing it because Supergirl had a string of issues without a good bum shot. But Goddamn it, I'm going to make sure it happens from here on out!

Currently, Supergirl and her friends found themselves on a mission for their school, The Crucible. It turns out the mission was to recover Superboy. Kara isn't quite sure she likes the sound of that. But Maxima, not being a super villain at all yet, assures Kara that the Preceptor of the academy would never send them on an horrible, evil, despicable mission.

Hmm. Maybe I should start a "Maxima's Breasts" feature too!

The Crucible isn't anything like it appears to be! Don't trust Maxima! Trust your adorable poochy little gut, Kara! Never fight for the institution! You've already seen that some of the students have rebelled against the school. Maybe you should investigate that! Figure out what that shit is all about.

Superboy decides to go along with Maxima because look at her breasts! I'd go too! It's impossible for a guy to come to a rational conclusion when breasts like that are in eyesight. It's a medical fact! I think it was proven in last May's Neurosurgeons and Asses Monthly. Don't scoff. It's a peer reviewed journal!

Supergirl remains behind to cradle Comet's head in her lap in much the same way that Swamp Thing once cradled Superman's head in his lap in DC Presents #85 by Moore and Veitch.

Back at The Crucible, Preceptor Amata talks to herself about her plans for the good of the academy and its students, so maybe I was wrong about the institution not being on the up and up. Why would she lie in a monologue to herself? It's the only time I'll believe a character! Plus, while she's going on and on about how she shouldn't have sent students into battle nor agreed to recovering the Kryptonian clone, she's attacked by the Vice-Preceptor and Roho. Oh no! The expelled students really are working for the bad guys! And the bad guys are the one guy, Vice-Preceptor Napoleon Complex!

Back on Earth, Supergirl decides to take Comet to the worst place on Earth: Mike-hole's apartment. Ugh! She's still hung up on that piece of shit?! Kara bangs on his front door after midnight and Mike's mom yells to keep it down from up the stairs where Mike-hole isn't allowed to go or else why wouldn't they get a ramp or an elevator? Kara decides to leave Comet in Mike-hole's bed while she goes back to The Crucible. Mike is all, "Sure, whatever! Please ignore my huge fucking boner that I can't cover up because I'm handicapped." And Supergirl is all, "Your arms work fine, Mike. I saw you undo your fly under the blanket." Then she opens up the portal and goes back to school leaving Comet in Mike-hole's bed.

I hope this is where Mike-hole discovers he's gay so he stops hitting on my Supergirl!

Kara heads back to The Crucible where she finds everybody locked in their rooms due to a new mandatory curfew. Vice-Preceptor Short Stuff instituted that policy pretty efficiently. This is a kind of college, right? What college student doesn't organize five dozen different protests when any thing they're used to changes at their school? What college student who is used to studying in the anti-grav lobby all night, getting cookie crumbs and diet milk all over the walls and ceiling just rolls over and agrees to a brand new curfew?! I suppose the laser wielding flying robot sentries are more efficient at instituting rules than human campus security guards.

Immediately upon her return (after a brief battle), Supergirl is captured by Roho and Vice-Preceptor Slughead. Instead of killing her like every other supervillain also wouldn't, the Vice-Preceptor decides to tell her his plans. You know, in much the same way every other supervillain would. His plan (as if anybody reading this doesn't already know)? Clone Superboy! And probably everybody else at the school. Because everybody knows that once you create a clone, the clone is no longer a sentient individual but a cheap, homemade imitation that can be used like a jerk off towel and thrown away when it's gotten too yellow and crusty. Even the good guys in Star Wars were all, "Clones have no rights! Fuck 'em! Nobody will even notice if one clone out of a thousand dies!" Although that one clone is all, "No, please! I want to live! I have a wife and family back home! I mean, the person I was cloned from does but they're in my memories as my wife and kids and that's like totally the same thing from my point of view! Also, I'm a fucking person, right? What the hell?! Just because I look like 999 other guys, it's okay to throw my life away?! Holy shit, where do I sign up for Stormtrooper school?!" And everybody standing around knew it would be too awkward to point out that the stormtroopers were just more clones just like him and the universe was involved in a huge bloodbath of pretty much brother against brother. Or self against self? Or something.

I really don't know my Star Wars canon and I've only seen each prequel once, so I probably got all of that wrong. But it feels right and doing and saying what feels right is life here in Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea territory! This is the safest place to have feelings! Unless those feelings are negative and directed at me and then you can just fuck off!

Supergirl #39 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think this is my favorite comic book. It might be because I'm in love with Supergirl and I'm reading it with gigantic heart-shaped eyeballs. Although they really should get rid of that awful Mike character. Why would Supergirl be into a psychopathic pedophile dog rapist? I don't have any proof that he's any of those things but I can tell he's probably most of those. He's a dick.

World's End #17

*screams into microphone* "Seventeen issues of disappointment!" *huge guitar riff* "And counting!" *sound like drumsticks falling on drums because the drummer had an aneurysm*

Look at that fucking manspread on Desaad! He's one bad alpha asshole! Oh, and check out the gap in Barda's thighs! She is one hot bitch! Or is Barda knock-kneed with a bit of the old scoliosis? And maybe Desaad has had so many pelvic breaks that he can't close his legs when he sits? Now I feel like an asshole! Maybe I should change the subject.

Well, maybe I'll sort of change the subject. So I checked out the manspreading tag on Tumblr and it is just filled with unintentional comedy. So many angries from both sides! About what is essentially a non-issue that can be dealt with on a case by case basis. Somebody taking up too much space on public transport for whatever reason? Ask them to make room! If they don't, they're fucking assholes! But then I decided to also check out the thigh gap tag on Tumblr and was met with this:

Holy shit! I don't know if I'm in the mood to make snarky comments anymore!

That tag wasn't full of unintentional comedy at all. It was full of unintentional tragedy, I think. Now this is an issue! Most of you probably don't realize that society teaches women to have an unrealistic image of themselves. Yeah! It's true! Somebody should set about to fixing that or something because the thinspiration tag almost made me cry. And that means it affected me and when an issue affects a white cishet man manspreading all over his office chair, that's when it becomes a real issue! Although I suppose I could always heed Tumblr's warnings from now on and then the issue wouldn't affect me and it would have the same effect as if the problem had been solved! Right?

Actually, I don't tend to "manspread" in my office chair. I generally sit cross-legged or I squat on it. Or I'll kick my feet up on my comic book boxes (ankles crossed) and lean back. That's how I sit on buses. Most people don't know what to say when I tuck my feet into their lap to get comfortable, so they just kind of look the other way and ignore it.

Manspread just sounds like the most awful thing you can put on a sandwich. After mayonnaise.

Part of me just thinks I should delete everything I previously wrote because it comes across as facetious and insincere. Which is how it's meant to sound! Why can't I ever take anything seriously? Especially that thing about women and body image? But then I know I can't delete any of it because how else am I going to fill up this commentary? It certainly won't be by commenting on World's End #17 which I'm so totally avoiding reading by writing about all this other stuff.

I really, really dislike this comic book.

This issue begins with Replacement Batman shooting up Helena with Venom to shock her body back to life.

Fucking Power Girl. It's always about herself, isn't it? Screaming her own name when her friend is on the brink of death.

As Helena enjoys the Venom ride, Death delivers her Deathspawn of Apokolips. It's born fully formed with the ability to speak English which really helps to justify screaming, "Bring it down!" I mean, if it were just a mewling infant, Queen Lantern would look like a huge prick blasting it with his Green Lantern ring.

Azathoth continues to be alive after seemingly having died when The Blue broke down in baby tears and gave up on the fight to save the world. And Yolanda the Red Avatar continues to be missing in action after having arrived to not even save the day like she was supposed to. Have I been reading this series out of order?

The Deathspawn of Apokolips flees from the battle and heads into the Earth to devour the Parliament of Colors. Maybe Yolanda foresaw this move and she'll be ready to protect the tree with breasts and her friends.

Big Barda gathers up an army of Protofuries to go destroy the last of the humans.

Is anybody else tired of seeing Barda act like an evil jerko? Why the fuck did this even happen? Was it to surprise the audience with some kind of big twist? Because from the Earth-2 versions of Fury and Barda (as limited as Barda's role was in the series), the story would have made more sense to just leave Fury as the bad guy siding with Apokolips and to let Barda play the role of Earth sympathizer with Mister Miracle. Who decided it would make for a better story to have Barda be the betrayer?

Tornado Lane, Val-el, Power Girl, Hawkcop, and The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick meet Big Barda at the entrance to Atom's Haven to engage in a mighty kerfuffle. It's probably super exciting if you're the half dozen people still interested in this comic book series.

I think somebody forgot, many issues ago, that Val-el is a pacifist.

Maybe punching Protofuries doesn't go against Val-el's pacifism. I mean, I'm a pacifist and I still punch dogs.

And then Kalibak crashes through a wall for some reason. Whatever.

World's End #17 Rating: -2 Ranking. I waste so much time while reading this comic book because I just know the story will hardly advance at all and I'll be left making the most boring comments on the most boringester comic book characters. Can Earth-2 just explode already? Please?

Supergirl #38

Lesson Two: Women's inner thighs cannot touch.

Yesterday on Jeopardy, they had one of my dream categories with Through the Looking Glass. And the daily double was in the category! The jerk that hit the daily double had eleven thousand dollars and he barely wagered anything. I would have made it a true daily double because that's what you have to do when it's in one of your dream categories. The questions weren't even very obscure and really could have been figured out by just the clues in the question and most people's general knowledge of the story. I could have answered them in my sleep which is very nearly what I did. I had been napping on the couch when I woke up because I kept hearing the contestants choose from the Alice in Wonderland category. But then Alex would read the answers and they had nothing to do with the book. I woke up enough to realize the category was "Allison Wonderland" and the answers were about people named Allison. But then they went on to the Through the Looking Glass category and proceeded to fuck up all the answers. One guy asked "Who is The Mad Hatter?" when the question was "Who is Humpty Dumpty?" And one woman asked "Who is Tweedledee and Tweedledum?" when the question was "Who is the Mad Hatter and the March Hare?" And none of them even buzzed in on the one about Alice's cat Dinah! The question to the Daily Double was "What is Jabberwocky?" which is what I would have guessed even before hearing the answer given by Alex because duh!

This issue begins with Superboy reminding us who he is because it's been a long time since a comic book began with his introduction. He's busy visiting a comic book convention in Rome where some sicko is cosplaying the insane murderer Harley Quinn. I get cosplaying the fictional insane murderer Harley Quinn. But cosplaying her when she's a real killer in your universe? Seems a bit icky.

But forget about Superboy! He's only interesting when he's being a living weapon! And currently, that's Supergirl's job! Or maybe it's just one of her classes. She and her study group were sent off to Tsavo's world to quell an insurrection. That means she and her friends are fighting for the man! I bet that's the wrong side to be on! Isn't it always?

Uh oh, Tsavo! You'd better stop and listen to your brother!

So the ex-Crucible students were kicked out for not following orders. I bet those orders were about murdering babies! So they were all, "No way! We won't murder babies!" And The Crucible was all, "But they're babies that will grow up to be evil men and women! We got this note from a Future Dean that totally proves those babies are scumbags!" And the smart-ass, soon-to-be-expelled students were all, "Well if you saw they were scumbags in the future then you know we aren't going to murder them for you!" And The Crucible was all, "Oh, you know, that really makes sense. No wonder Future Dean said there was no record of you guys graduating! Um, you're expelled for not following orders!" And the Crucible students were all, "Oh man! My parents are going to be so pissed!"

Tsavo's brother and his rebellious friends flee from Supergirl and her friends even though they had the upper hand. I don't think they actually care about fomenting rebellion on Tsavo's homeworld. I think their primary concern is destroying The Crucible. Probably because it's evil and they're the only ones that know it's evil and nobody will believe them and they're all like, "ARGH! Why won't anybody believe us?! It's so unfair that people are always asking for proof!"

Anyway, Supergirl and her friends (the good guys that are kind of the bad guys because they're tying to stop the good guys (maybe!)) follow Roho (Tsavo's brother, remember?) and his friends to Earth.

Supergirl is lucky Supergirl didn't punch herself in the face.

Supergirl soon discovers that Roho is after Superboy. Supergirl is all, "Superboy?!" And Superboy is all, "Supergirl?!" And everybody else is all, "What fucking unimaginative names!"

Hopefully Roho and his friends are the bad guys because the first thing Comet does when the battle begins is to explode Rock Lobster's head. It's pretty disgusting. And possibly delicious.

Then Maxima puts a mental dagger in Rendll's throat. Then Superboy is all, "I don't need your help!" And Supergirl is all, "Boys!" And then Supergirl bends over.

Hey! No pictures of my sweet girl's bum!

Once again, Roho and his friends flee. Supergirl has begun to doubt Crucible's motives so it's just a matter of time before Comet realizes he killed an innocent Lobster Person. I guess he's going to have to die before this story arc is over. Can't let heroes with blood on their hands live. Unless her name is Lois Lane and she was possessed by Brainiac, that is.

Comet might die sooner than I thought! He's dying right now and Maxima will only transport everybody back to the Crucible if they bring Superboy along. She had a secret mission to get the clone before Roho got the clone. But Supergirl needs more answers before she jumps back onto the wrong side of this conflict, so she'd rather punch Maxima in the tits than give up Superboy and save Comet. I guess Comet should have been cuter.

Oh boy! My penis can't wait for this fight! I mean, I can't wait to see who is the better, um, combatant! P.S. I think Superboy and Comet are going to touch penises. A lot.

Supergirl #38 Rating: No change. I love looking at Emanuela Lupacchino's Supergirl. I think I swooned like eighteen times while reading this. And swooned means exactly what you think it means. My office is a mess!

Earth 2 #30

Why is everybody worried about Apokolips?! Cthulhu has been awakened!

I'm really not very interested in this comic book any more so I apologize for my mood ahead of time. As that fucking cow Mrs. McFarland noted on my report card, I let my "mood" affect the way I participate. Well excuse me, Mrs. Judgy McMindyourownbeeswax! I began kindergarten at four years old! What kind of four year old doesn't let their mood affect the way they act?!

I should actually be speaking kindly of Mrs. McFarland. She had the patience and took the time to get a kid that stubbornly refused to do anything asked of him to eventually feel comfortable enough to participate in class activities. Throughout my scholastic career, I benefited greatly from teachers knowing when to be hands off and just leave me be (which was often as I tended to flare up and have a huge tantrum whenever I felt an assignment was worthless, or too much extra work). I don't ever remember having a teacher that felt they needed to be so in control that they fought me over any of the shit I adamantly refused to do. It takes a strong and patient teacher to realize that doing nothing can often be a successful solution when dealing with a kid that just will not work within your system (or, as I believe my case quite possibly was, is entirely incapable of working within it). By the end of high school, I had learned the tricks that would get everybody to simply leave me alone. I would pass barely noticed in the back of the class. The main trick was to finish homework assignments. This was easily accomplished by doing homework in class instead of participating. And of course, I had to do well on tests so nobody felt they needed to pay any extra attention to me. Both of these were easy enough, and they seemed to be all parents and teachers cared about. My cousin used to struggle constantly with the homework part, arguing that if he did well on the tests than why does he have to do the homework? That seemed like a nightmare to me! Didn't he know everybody would leave him alone and he'd have more free time to do what he liked if he just did the homework? I didn't give a shit whether or not I was "buying" into the system since I didn't give a shit about the system. All I knew was I could do whatever I wanted after school and he was busy in detention or grounded or being watched over by his mom to make sure he did his work.

After the first few years of elementary school, by about third grade when I met my best friends for years, I was mostly comfortable with school. I spent so much time inside my own head that it barely seemed to matter where my body was. I read a lot and just looked forward to anything that was extra-curricular: reading, singing, recess, lunch! The only thing I truly feared in school were the oral reports. I once gave an oral report on glaciers that was copied word for word out of a fifties encyclopedia. But just as my report began, the geography teacher was called out of the room by another teacher for some hallway mini-conference. He told me to continue and he was gone for the entire report. When he came back in, he asked Simon Raines how I had done and good old Simon simply said it was great. I probably should have slipped him my lunch money that day. Except I always brought a bag lunch. I guess I could have given him my Pringles.

I thought Rot was The Grey?

Why does the Avatar of the Green, who is ostensibly a plant, have breasts? Maybe they're just burls.

At the Parliament Enclave, the colors have gathered to recite poetry. First White goes:

White! I'm White! White white white white white white!
I refract the light! I'm not uptight! I help with flight!
I'm cold at night! And not quite shite despite my bite!
White! I'm White! White white white white white white!
Like the chickens, dog!

White's Avatar was the human that most fit the poem. That human was Sam Zhou.

Green doesn't have a poem but it probably would go something like this:

Green is serene.
Not mean.
It's green.

And that is Alan Scott!

Sure the Blue would follow. Even though Blue's story begins "eons before."

Blue's poem went a little something like this:

"What is madness but wonder unchecked?
Love but the dream of the self bereft?
Knowledge nothing but innocence wrecked?
And what am I to you?

Beauty is simply a mask over death.
Hope exists only when nothing is left.
Life but scant moments spent catching one's breath.
Please, what am I to you?

Was ambition your fear driven by stress?
Success someone else's taken through theft?
Could I've given more? Could you've given less?
I know what I am to you."

And Blue's avatar was the Great Old One, Azathoth! Although it really should be Cthulhu since Cthulhu is the one under the sea and Azathoth is more the scary monstrous something at the edge of dreaming or reality or something.

And then Red gets to do Red's poem although I think Red is a bit more into violence than poetry, so we'll see how that goes.

She's talking about names like slut and cunt and bitch! Unless she's talking about names like skank and cocksucker and butthole! Or sexy and chula and big breasted booty babe!

Red's poem goes something like this:

Library cats are dangerous!
Don't look them in the fucking eye!
Don't touch their feet because they hate that!
Rub their belly if you want to lose your hand!
Library cats! Yes! Library cats!
They're in your chair when you just got up for one fucking second!
Don't try to move them because they'll act like they've been there all day and you don't have any right to your stupid fucking seat!
That one's staring at you and staring at you and staring at you and staring at you!
Do you have meat on your face or something?
No wait! Now it just ran up a shelf and knocked down five books and is licking its paw like nothing fucking happened!
Oh yeah! Library cats!

The Red's avatar is Yolanda Montez. Some people remember her as Wildcat! I call her Library-Cat!

Earth 2 #30 Rating: No change. This book has nothing to do but tell back stories and tell inconsequential tales and do pretty much nothing but waste time since all of the important stuff now happens weekly over in World's End.

World's End #12

Look at all the creators! I guess we're back to ten different plot threads crammed into each issue.

Friends Update!

Last issue, Big Barda manipulated Mister Miracle into freeing Darkseid. I guess that explains why Scott Free and Fury are slightly annoyed at Big Barda over in Futures End.

I'm not sure if time in the dimension where New Genesis and Apokolips reside flows the same as in ours. Am I supposed to believe that Darkseid was so damaged by his fight with Earth-Main-Earth that he had to eat the heart of his own planet to feel better? And by eating that heart, he would become trapped in the Mobius Chamber for a few years? Or is he in the chamber to console himself after Batman pissed all over his turf? Also, Darkseid apparently made a deal with Highfather which gave the Earth-2 Universe to Darkseid to do with as he pleases if he'd just leave the other 51 Universes alone. So why the fuck is Highfather still so hot to defeat Darkseid over in the Godhead crisis? Maybe the Anti-Monitor should show up already and just wipe the Apokolips Dimension off the face of everything.

This issue begins with everybody on Apokolips kissing Darkseid's ass and polishing his throne and pretending that they weren't all happy that he'd been out of the picture.

This entire story so far has given Apokolips the reputation for being a fragile planet that can barely sustain itself without feeding on hope and the hearts and minds of millions of innocents. Is that why it's called the "God planet"?

Down in the firepits of Geneva, Power Girl and Huntress depict that scene where one friend has gone evil or rabid and the other friend is all, "I know my friend is still in there! All you need are hugs and positive affirmations!" And the other friend is all, "Hiss! Spit! I am the devil's pincushion! Blarg!" And the other friend is all, "No! No! I know you can hear me! I love you and you love me! Fight against the evil! Fight!" And the other friend is all, "Fri...fri...fri...NO! RAWR! I'M EVIL NOW!" And then the evil friend runs away because love is so strong that they must flee or else be turned back to good! I like when that scene was an entire book about a rabid dog and then it ended with the acknowledgment that the dog had always tried to be good and never wanted to kill anybody but what could he do, having been stricken by fate or destiny or possibly just a degenerative nerve disease called rabies? Trying to hug it out with that dog was a mistake! Love isn't as powerful as those musicians on that funky submarine would lead you to believe.

People are being betrayed by their friends all over the place! That's probably why this issue was called "Betrayal."

"By the way, I have Scoliosis."

Over in Chicago, Dick Grayson is acting just like Dick Grayson would act. He gave his son to Constantine so his son could get to safety while he remained in the path of a tidal wave to murder the man that shot Barbara Grayson. And after that was done, he just stands there waiting to be washed away. Earth-2 Dick Grayson has completely captured the spirit of what makes Dick Grayson such a great character! Weakness, defeatism, violence! It's all here!

More betrayal when Commander Khan discovers that Terry Sloan planted a bomb aboard their spaceship. Granted, that betrayal was entirely expected. It's why Khan searched the entire ship until he found the hidden bomb that he just knew Sloan would have planted. They then punch each other in the face a bunch of times until the scene shifts.

Earthlings begin evacuating into the Project Beyond tunnels under the United States but even those, as The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick discovers, are full of Apokoliptians.

And lastly, The Avatars of the Earth continue to battle the Four Horsewomen of Apokolips. I mean three. Although The Huntress joins up with them because nobody quakes in their boots about the mention of the Three Horsewomen of Apokolips. They just look around with an awkward smile thinking, "Are you having a laugh? Are you taking the piss?"

World's End #12 Rating: -1 Ranking. Still too much going on. They're trying to pack too much into each two or three pages allotted to each plot thread. This winds up creating a bunch of snapshots that have no emotional impact at all. And most of the plot threads simply kind of cancel each other out. Who cares about the Avatars defeating the Four Horsewomen if the Earth is destroyed by a rain of moon debris and floods anyway? Who cares if Dick Grayson survives while billions of other people die? Did this story really need to be told? Instead of giving us a rushed, half-assed version of the final days of Earth-2, wouldn't it have been better to just keep everything vague, filling in small moments with stories from those heroes who survived the war? Anyway, this was my favorite moment so far:

Really? Honestly? Only minutes left? Hallelujah!

FRIENDS UPDATE!
With the third episode, the series can begin to get into the real meat of the profound themes the show is best remembered for. We've gotten to the heart of each of the characters and now we understand them just enough to follow them on their dark journeys. The third episode concentrates mainly on three of the six friends. First off, we have Chandler resurrecting an old habit, the vice of smoking which disgusts his friends. Here we find out that Chandler is not so above it all as we once thought; he is not our joke spewing friend we met two episodes ago. Here is the demon version of Chandler, Chandler That Was, the one only hinted at by his incessant need to keep his distance from the others. This is man that will do whatever he can to get whatever he wants. At one point, he spews venom into the caring faces of his friends and they all turn on each other as he happily goes about his smoking in peace. Here is a grumpy, mean-spirited, beaten down man that cares more about his cigarettes than his friends. Who is the smoking Chandler? What secrets does his impish face and sarcastic demeanor hide? We only get hints to his darkness in this episode, but it is enough to make us wonder: will he someday do violence to one of the other friends?

Second, we see Phoebe dealing with the fear of adulthood through her superstitions and conspiracy-minded beliefs. Modern day has allowed people to live a near decade in a transitory place between childhood and adulthood. This is probably the main thrust of the series which people remember fondly because they were too mired in self-denial to understand the nefarious message the show was trying to get across. This strange limbo allowed by modern day luxury is not a place of fun time jokey friendship hangouts in coffee shops. It is full of fear of the unknown, the loss of the comforting safety of home, the terrifying and dizzying struggle to maintain balance on the precipice of adulthood as one watches all of their innocent, childhood things recede into the past. This is a scary place to be. And it hits Phoebe full force when she suddenly finds her bank has made an error in her favor and deposited five hundred dollars into her account. Five hundred dollars! That's adult money! She panics because, in Phoebe's world view which makes this entire scenario more palatable to an audience expecting jokes and whimsy, Phoebe believes that the Karmic debt of this windfall will destroy her life. And no matter what she does to remove this debt and allow her to wallow in the peace of near-adult limbo, she continues to gain more and more money. Eventually she finds a thumb in a soda can which only results in a payout by the soda company in the amount of seven thousand dollars. She rids herself of this money by giving it to Chandler so that he'll quit smoking. He accepts and in this moment, we see that Chandler, more than the others, already has one foot in the adult world. Perhaps his previous demons have caused him to grow up too fast, or perhaps they have allowed him to see money as a panacea, to accept the world for what it is. He is the least ready to deny the transition.

Speaking of characters having a foot in the adult world, the literal potato sack Ross might seem to be the most adult in that he is married (currently separated from his partner) and has a degree in dinosaurs and a real job at a museum. But this adult life he entered too soon, and as the show begins, it is all falling apart around him.

The final story revolves around Monica's boyfriend who is a father figure to the entire group. We see in their admiration and love for this man a group of people completely devoid of strong fathers in their lives. The only person not completely charmed by this man is Monica. But that makes sense because once she realizes she is dating a father figure, the relationship loses its sexual allure. She must abandon this man and thus the hearts of all of her friends are broken once more by an untimely loss of dad. The episode ends with everybody losing themselves in gallons of ice cream as they deny the despair and heartbreak and the loss which life has heaped upon them year after year. They are in a dark place but they are together, and they have each other, and thus the title of the series becomes doubly important in that they are all they have to cling to in a world that offers nothing but pain and loss.

Supergirl #37

Best cover of the entire New 52 ever.

Can you imagine a DC Universe based on Darwyn Cooke's variant covers? I suppose that would be a kind of Golden Age era where the heroes mostly enjoyed their lives and smiled a lot. But Golden Age comics are so hard to read! I want a modern writing sensibility with writers that know the majority of their audience are intelligent adults (or, at least, adults) but with happy heroes that enjoy doing what they do! Like a Batman that revels in breaking bones and giving his enemies internal injuries! Okay, maybe he revels in it now. But he never smiles! I want to see him smile while he dislocates The Mad Hatter's jaw!

Last issue, Supergirl found herself in an exclusive school called The Crucible. They'd given her the pitch and she was ready to sign up but they never did tell her how much tuition was. She's going to be buried in loans when this is over. And she'll probably be living off of a Galactic Credit Card which she signed up for outside of the student union. I suspect by the time she completes her courses and makes it back to Earth, Superman is going to give her yet another of his interminable lectures.

Have you noticed how Superman can't stop telling Supergirl what she's doing wrong and how she should be acting, and Batman does the same thing to Catwoman? There should be a word for when a man thinks he knows better than a woman and treats her like a child. Some man should tell a woman to get on that.

This issue begins with Supergirl writing in her diary. The comic book doesn't say anything about a diary or a journal, but her Narration Boxing has increased to Scott Lobdell levels and the only way I can deal with it is to read it as if she's writing down her experiences at the end of the day. Maybe I should read it as if she's telling me her story because we're a couple and she's sitting next to me in front of a warm fire telling me about her experience at the Crucible!

Luckily Kara has been teamed up with some other students so they can have hilarious adventures in Study Group. And she's quickly pegged her companions so the audience knows exactly what their quirks and foibles are! Maxima is smart but emotionless so Kara guesses that she "doesn't play well with others." Tsavo, being animal-like, is "quick to pounce" but he's sometimes misguided by his emotions! And Comet is "clever and thoughtful, but preens far too much."

How long has Supergirl been around these students since last issue? She's either quite perceptive or she simply makes up back stories to everybody she meets and subsequently ignores the real person. I think Kara is one of those shallow assholes that don't really pay attention to the world around them but they wholeheartedly believe they're some kind of an old soul with amazing intuition and an incredible ability to read people. Meanwhile they spend an awful lot of time nodding their heads at everything everybody says while grunting out noises that show they're interested, all the while thinking up things they think the other person is really trying to say.

Ugh! Forget Mike, Kara! You're at school! Long distance relationships are fantasies! It'll never work out now! Dump him!

At Tactical Class, Kara shows up her know-it-all teacher and puts him in his place while teenagers everywhere cheer. Good for you, Kara! Standing up to that teacher that isn't listening to a student that offers no proof to go along with her contrary account of the teacher's lecture! Don't let the patriarchy continue to spread its bullshit lies! Let the young people spread poorly fact checked "truths" that sound great and back their positions so thoroughly that there's no way they could possibly have been made up or twisted in some way! Go young people! Fight the power!

Of course Maxima's account is going to be correct because this is a fictional account making a point about how teachers don't know everything and a good teacher listens to everybody instead of staunchly refusing to veer from the same old way of looking at things. Especially since the story of Planet Y57 is a story about indigenous peoples being removed from their homes by an invading force because the indigenous people's home was full of resources that the invaders wanted. It sounds vaguely familiar. As if it were the invaders Manifest Destiny and Y57's natural resources already belonged to them. Totally understandable! What older person doesn't believe in Manifest Destiny? Stupid young people losing their futures by believing they have to endure debt to get a proper education! Maybe they should have paid more attention to that Manifest Destiny thing instead of becoming victims of the old loop de loop reversal stolen future Manifest Destiny perpetrated on them by greedy old people! Ha ha! Naive suckers! You thought you were learning to think and gaining knowledge for a future career but instead you were being pickpocketed by your parents and grandparents!

I'm actually much more sympathetic to the plight of young people trying to get an education in a greedy, everything-for-profit nation state that they're currently living in than that previous paragraph might suggest. I think children need to learn at a much earlier age that adults constantly lie to them and that the world they live in is not one they simply have to accept. By the time they're in college, they're already like a rat deep in the trap. Even by the time they're in high school, it's very nearly too late. They learn to be full of sound and fury but they've already become entrenched in the system. Actually extricating themselves and making real changes is tough when all the trappings you're used to are pieces of the trap containing you. That's why I'm writing adaptations of college level novels for elementary school children! Those are the years kids should be learning the lessons taught by One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and Catch-22 and The Grapes of Wrath! But even elementary school might be too late by now! Because one of the biggest hooks the trap employs is attached to one of the most irresistible lures: the cell phone! Before kids can even understand what a contract is, they're hooked to phones that, generally, demand contracts. By the time they learn about the monthly bill and the contract, they can no longer do without their phones. And no matter how full of sound and fury they are against the system, it fucking signifies nothing because they're already inside the trap. And it's just a matter of time until the trap dulls their edges and they become a complacent adult just trying to get by and raise their children and pay their mortgage and pay their car payments and pay their (for the first time ever and possibly more insidious than the rest since you cannot opt out of this one by just not living (okay, you can, I guess)!) mandatory health care payment.

Oh yes, young person, you think I'm deluded? Look at how passionate your hippie grandparents were. And look at what happened to them.

Seriously though, I'm rooting for you. But I fear the trappings of capitalism are just too much to battle against. And I fear you also will fall to them, and fail.

Not that I ever fell! I'm still fighting the good fight! Fuck, um, corporate America! Fuck, um, things! Bad things especially! And, um, fuck -isms! I mean the bad -isms like racism and, um, the other ones! And fuck people afraid of being -ismed by the very people they fight alongside so they quell their rage when they should be, um, even more ragingier! Fuck censorship unless it can theoretically prevent rape and then I, um, guess it's okay, right? Stick it to our parents, man! They never fucking understood us anyway! Fuck our parents right in the buttholes! Mmm, yeah! Take it, mom! Take it, dad! Yeah! Individual rights! Freedom from oppression! Unless it's the good kind of oppression teaching me the proper way to act and the right words to say! In your face, everything I should be against! It's about time we should all believe in everything in which we should all believe! Freedom!

Later, Kara has Sparring Class with Comet.

So now Kara thinks he's "cleverer and more thoughtfuler"?

Kara has some other classes with members from her study group and it's just as hilarious and wacky as Community has taught us to expect from study groups!

Later, the Preceptor and Vice-Preceptor meet with Crucible's Alumni Benefactors. Or the High Council. Something like that. It's a secret meeting that the study group isn't privy too so I bet it will be full of crazy secrets about the true purpose of Crucible! I bet all these elite super heroes are being trained for nefarious purposes! Wouldn't that just be typical?!

So the Crucible is like Mormonism (is that one of the bad -isms?!)! The students here have to go on missions! And they're going to be cloned! That's what goes on in all of those Mormon temples all over the West Coast that look exactly alike, right? They clone people there?

Later Supergirl is shocked to find that Maxima is only at college to find a mate. That is shocking! I thought people went to college to find lots and lots of mates on a near constant basis! And to even experiment with mates that they normally wouldn't mate with!

Supergirl hugs herself in her dorm room. I did a lot of that in college too!

While the Preceptors discuss plans to kidnap Superboy and turn him into a living weapon, Kara and her study group head to Tsavo's home planet to help quell a rebellion. Or start one. One of those! It's a war and they're on one side of it and it might not even be the right side because the Crucible is shady!

Oh no! The rebels! I hope they don't teach the study group what they're really fighting for and turn them all around on the civil war and make them unsure about trusting the Crucible any longer! I sure hope that doesn't happen!

Or maybe the rebels really are the bad guys even though that seems ludicrous because they're fighting against the traditional powers that are almost always guilty of oppressing certain groups for the benefit of others!

Or they're just led by a super villain with Daddy Issues. That was my second guess!

How come the old school last page reveal of the evil super group is still so satisfying?

Supergirl #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. At first, I thought I wasn't going to enjoy Supergirl being yanked off of Earth to have college adventures in space. But this is kind of what Supergirl has been doing during her entire run. She's shuttled off to one unfamiliar environment to the next as she backpedals and tries to figure out how she fits in. This is just another one of her fish out of the barrel stories! And so far, I think I like it. Do I like it? Can someone please tell me if I should like it?

Earth 2 #29

Gomorrah means anal!

Earth 2 is over. It was fun while it lasted! Tom Taylor is off the title. While he was on it, Earth 2 was just a little corner of the DC Universe where anything could happen. But now with World's End and the plan to merge Earth-2 with Earth-Main-Earth, editorial has turned its flaming eye upon this book to ensure it becomes a boring piece of predictable garbage, simple filler to occupy the space between now and DC's final plan of merged Earths. I suppose some characters are going to die, like Thomas Wayne and Superman (again!). Unless they decide to keep Thomas around so he can die just after an "emotional" meeting with his Earth-Main-Earth son. Sure, I don't know exactly what's going to happen, so I can still be surprised by events. But the spontaneity and the feeling that anything could happen in this title has gone. Plus, the events in this book are now just closer looks at things that have already played out in World's End. Barbara was crushed by a piece of the moon after which the Editor told me to read this book. But then the next World's End came out and Barbara was back fighting rioters.

I wonder if she'll survive Gomorrah?!

Oh no! Barbara Gordon is dead! Again?

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if the act of living for four decades hadn't completely eroded me into a beautifully polished piece of highly cynical marble? Could I enjoy comic books more if I'd somehow managed to keep a sense of wonder and innocence, cultivated my naivete so that I would gasp in wide-eyed wonder at every new observance? How does one navigate the world without the pinpoint accuracy of a highly honed GPS of cynicism?! I suppose if I didn't care about the truth of things (or, at best, the observational truth of the reality that can be experienced by our limited human senses), I might be going around exclaiming that everything is miraculous, crying over the way butter melts on toast, embracing strange children on the street because I'm so overwhelmed by their beauty and innocence, complimenting women on the shape of their calves with no ulterior motive that involves penis to vagina contact (or, if she's up for it, penis to anus contact). Even in my suppositions of what life might be like if I were filled with childlike innocence, I'm a disgusting bore! At least I still have enough self-awareness that I tear up whenever I hear these lines by the Indigo Girls:

We're sculpted from youth,
but the chipping away makes me weary.

I'm so tired. So very, very tired. And I'm a horrible sculptor!

This issue is called "Flagitious" because Marguerite Bennett is showing off her vocabulary again. I think F.L.A.G.I.T.I.O.U.S is the Earth-2 version of GLAAD, or LGBTet.al. I'd take a guess at what it means but who knows what kind of genders or sexual identities exist on Earth-2! Also, who cares? The fact that they're all still Twofers makes them less important than Main Earthers!

I hope that doesn't come off as universalist! I mean, it is, but I hope it doesn't come across that way! I don't want people to know that I hate all people from other universes for no rational reason.

The moon fell on her and she "might" have a concussion. Batgirl is a tough cookie! Dammit. Now I want a cookie.

Is calling a woman a "cookie" sexist? I don't care if it is! Throw the word "problematic" at me all day long and it will just make me build my trench deeper! I'll call all women cookies all the time! I'll even call all men cookies too just to rub it in your problematic faces! COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!

Fuck. Now I want all the cookies.

I guess the woman that just helped Babs out of the crater is Earth-2 Harlequin. She's going to be severely disappointed when she finds out that Alan Scott is gay. Except she's probably gay! Or whatever the "U" stands for in FLAGITIOUS.

Or, judging by this next panel, the Earth-2 version of Harley Quinn. That was my first guess but my fingers, knowing I was writing about Earth-2, wound up typing "Harlequin." Stupid fingers. You're all fired!

Have I been using knives wrong my entire life? I've never reloaded one once!

Instead of driving around six or seven guys huddled around a flaming trash can, Lottie Quinn stops to beat the shit out of some of them with her hammer. After satisfying her bloodlust, she packs up her hammer and drives on. I think she might be crazy!

Lottie Quinn takes Dick and Babs to her home on the pier, Gomorrah. So that's why Chicago was nearly destroyed by flaming meteorites! This is probably where I should say people who don't know history are doomed to repeat it except The Bible isn't history, no matter how loudly you tell me it is.

Dick and Babs begin getting the tour of the place when...SURPRISE!...Lottie Quinn turns on them! Earth-2's version of the Tweedles are muscular bastards that love punching journalists in the back of the head. I love them! Once Dick is knocked out, Lottie Quinn tries to throw Little Johnny out of Gomorrah because when creating a society based on anal and oral sex, you don't want to invite God's wrath by allowing children to join. I think that's what the first Sodom and Gomorrah got wrong. Too many people wanted to fuck Lot's kids and God was all, "Hell no! That's crossing the line!" And then before he cut off his Heaven-to-Earth communicator, he was heard to mumble, "Ugh. These eggs are bland. Now where's the salt? Where's the motherfucking salt?"

Time for the nightly fucking of the parademon!

Dick notes the Revelations level of crazy going on in the camp and Narration Boxes that he's never been the religious type. He follows up with "But now, with the world getting more insane by the day, the minute, the second--it was getting hard to stay agnostic." What? Why? How is the destruction of the world by an alien monster some kind of stamp of approval on religion? Since all things end, starting a religion which didn't predict the future end of the world would be crazy.

And that whole "agnostic" thing. It's such a fucking cop-out. Agnostics aren't smarter or more open-minded than atheists. They might be intellectually or spiritually lazier than atheists (the former) and the religious (the latter) because they've obviously not done enough thinking or praying on the matter. I think agnostics actually believe one way or the other except they just don't want to be associated with the side with which they theoretically agree. Something about the absolute certainty of either side rubs them the wrong way, so they refuse to commit. At least having agnostics around gives atheists and the religious something to agree on! Both sides see agnostics walking around shrugging their shoulders and think, "Spineless cowards!"

Of course I didn't mean any of that about my agnostic readers! You guys are cool! Or not cool. How can I know?!

The twins drag out Barbara to throw her in the cage with the parademon. Lucky! It's her first night in camp and she gets to fuck the parademon! Except it escapes when the cage is open and begins tearing heads off of the Gomorrahans. Dick and Babs get away on Lottie Quinn's motorcycle and zoom off to World's End #9 where Babs gets shot while Constantine watches.

Earth 2 #29 Rating: -1 Ranking. What the fuck was up with the glowing hand on the cover?! One of the things I'm sick of, DC Comics, is how you kill your own titles when you inextricably link them to some other ongoing story arc. Remember how Superboy never had his own actual story in his comic book because he was always involved in the plots in other books? Remember how Justice League of America became "The Fantasy Life of Stargirl and Martian Manhunter" during Forever Evil? More issues of that comic were spent on that nonsense than there were issues involving the entire team. And now Earth 2 has become the comic book that doesn't have anything to do, so now it's simply a vehicle for side stories from World's End. Whatever! I used to really enjoy this comic book. Stupid Darkseid! He ruined everything!

World's End #9

I wish Mister Miracle would get some fucking characterization. Stop resting on your Preboot laurels! Who are you in The New 52? What motivates you? Are you fucking both Fury and Barda, you dog?!

Normally I'd use this first paragraph to speculate on the mating habits of the Chupacabra, but I just need to get through another World's End comic book as fast as I can. Besides, everybody already knows about Chupacabra's bedroom style.

Instead of reading this comic, I decided to draw another Pickle Boy Comic. Those are comics written by my assistant Pickle Boy which I draw. They were intended to give him a creative outlet while he crunches numbers at work, and for me to practice drawing.

As you can see, neither of us is very good at his half of the job.

The great thing about this Pickle Boy Comic is that everybody can relate to it.

Meanwhile in World's End where I'm not too sure the writers and artists are terribly better than me and Pickle Boy, the Avatar of the Blue has just been released into the world by Aquawoman.

It's a Great Old One, by the way. So forget about Apokolips. Least of everybody's worries now. Okay, technically figuring out what to wear is probably the least of everybody's worries.

World's End is becoming a game of Magic the Gathering. You have all the colors and then Apokolips is the artifacts. The non-Avatar superheroes are probably just colorless Legendary creatures. And it's at that point of the game where everybody dicked around too long and allowed blue to summon it's monstrously huge creature.

John Constantine and his crew have made it to Chicago and are sitting back watching the whole place break out into a huge riot. Since Barbara is back out from underneath the piece of the moon, I guess Earth 2 #29 happened before this.

I hope she gained invulnerability from the moon radiation!

Beneath Geneva, Replacement Batman and his group stumble upon Kal-el. Lois and Power Girl celebrate while Val-el slinks off into the shadows because that's where suddenly useless and entirely obsolete things should be. But there's a glimmer of hope after Replacement Batman punches Kal-el in the nose and it begins bleeding. Lois says, "Kal, you're really...oh, god, Kal, you're bleeding?!" And then Val-el rushes back to the group and says, "Oh! That's too bad! I'm so sorry about that! You poor thing! Can I get you a hanky? Man, this sucks! So terrible that you've lost your powers. Shoot! Who's going to be the world's savior now? Hunh? Anybody? Can anybody think of anyone that might be strong enough to save the world?"

Remember last issue how Hawkcop turned on The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick and his mother? It was a huge cliffhanger and everybody who read it said, "GASP!" Well, that's resolved when Doctor Cocoa Puffs and his best friend Jiminy Olsen arrive to cast a spell of Don't Be Mad, Bro. I wish the pages taken up by the fake tension would be used for characters interacting so maybe I can find a reason to like some of them. The only character that does anything worthwhile (although trite and cliche) in this scene is The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick's mother/girlfriend when she tries to break Hawkcop's brainwashing by talking about love. Stupid Streak-mom! Hawks and cops don't know what love and kindness are!

Up on Apokolips, the Mister Squad's plan begins to fall apart as the New Gods forget to plant their nuke because they have a score to settle with some guy named Paternus. He has a key that will allow Mister Miracle to open the Heart of Apokolips where he can slip inside for a quick DNA test to find out if Darkseid is his father. And since it was mentioned in Futures End that Barda betrayed Mister Miracle and Fury, Barda has to say something ominous.

World's End #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. There's too much going on in this comic book and none of it feels like it really matters. It's just a bunch of escalating conflicts that will eventually end in the destruction of Earth-2. Plus the cover once again got ahead of itself. Somebody needs to recalibrate the timing of the covers on these weekly comic books!