Batman Beyond #2

Ambushed by The Flocked Assassin!

At times I want to do nothing more than lie on the couch in the wee early hours of the ending night and watch a horror movie or a stupid comedy on Netflix. Which is why I watched Andy Samberg in Hot Rod last night. Ignoring the clichéd plot of the underdog saving the whatever and winning the good looking something (which is actually asking a viewer to ignore the whole movie but, you know, whatever), it really works! But it only works for two reasons! You take out these two bits and the movie is utter garbage and not worth watching. The two aspects of this film which lift it into heavenly glory are Al Swearengen and the use of the worst (best! (worst! (no, no! Best!))) songs from Europe's album The Final Countdown. If you aren't familiar with the album, the movie might not have worked as well for you. But the movie had me hooked from the start by using "Danger on the Tracks" as the opening song. And I'm impressed that they had the willpower to leave "The Final Countdown" out of the movie. I guess it might have been confusing since Gob Bluth was one of the cast.

I'm only sad they didn't find a way to use the song "Ninja" in the movie. Jesus Christ, Joey Tempest and Europe! What were you guys thinking?! Every song on that album could have won the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for 1986!

On second thought, maybe Hot Rod had a little more going for it than Swearengen and Europe. Bill Hader deserves credit for playing himself perfectly and Isla Fisher should be acknowledged for wearing the crap out of clothing. I mean, the way she turned up in that sun dress? Stunning! And the Hiking shirt alone was Oscar worthy.

I just realized I began my commentary on the first issue of Batman Beyond rambling on about Ghost World. I think that might say something about how interested I am in reading this comic book. Although Tim did meet elderly Barbara Gordon at the end of the last issue and that was kind of interesting, right?

This issue begins with Tim Drake being recruited into Barbara Gordon's Secret Prisoners Who Have Retained Their Faces Club. She lives in The Lodge (that's the name of Brother Eye's Death Happiness Camp) with her friends because Brother Eye crushed their souls. But he only crushed their souls after greed, apathy, and corruption crushed their spirits. What's the difference between a spirit and a soul? No wait! I know! Spirit is like cheering for your high school football team while soul is like making other people feel sexy with your dancing and singing. So they're more different than I thought they were after I thought about them a little bit.

As if any gathering is authorized!

I bet the first mandatory class you have to take in the Joe Kubert School of Drawing Comic Books is "Window Breaking/Wall Smashing 101." I wonder if artists ever even learn how to draw a door being opened? I do know one artist that can draw a door being opened! Brian Bolland!

The Flocked Assassin from the cover seems to be running The Lodge along with her sidekick, Deathstrobot. He looks less formidable as a robot than he does as a Tony S. Daniel drawing. I wonder if he got to keep his youthful testicles? The Flocked Assassin has noticed that one of the men escaped the batch of new prisoners and was replaced by a woman. This could be trouble which means this woman must be questioned in an ethical manner to find out what she knows or The Lodge could lose their insurance.

Brother Eye and Tim Drake sitting in a tree!

I hope Brother Eye's Nemesis is a huge sheep so that when they meet, Brother Eye will say "It is Eye!" and his nemesis will say "No! Not Ewe!"

Ouch. I think I strained my pun muscle.

Barbara Gordon and Tim Drake can't hide underground for long before they're discovered by Inque and Deathblow! I bet Deathblow loves hanging around with Inque so that his name isn't the worst in the group for once. Although I'm sure Deathblow was probably a pretty creative name among the heroes he hung out with.

Also I'm just guessing that it's Deathblow. I know with my comic book reading skills, there's only a sliver of a chance that I'm wrong. But sometimes slivers can be pretty big! Although big slivers are always better than small slivers because they're easier to pull out with my huge manly hands full of muscles and chest hair.

Can we hold a summit where we agree to retire the phrase "I've got your [thing referenced earlier] right here"?

Tim Drake pulls out his Audio/Visual cables and plugs himself into the back of Deathblow's neck. His suit fires up and Alfred is back to talk Tim through everything that doesn't involve body functions. Alfred tells Tim Drake about Inque because, like me, he never watched the Batman Beyond cartoon. I bet the best way to deal with her is either to freeze her solid or to dip a quill in her and quickly write the Great American Novel. I'm sure Alfred will know how to best her in battle.

Alfred informs Tim that water is a good weapon against Inque. Not really. Unless you also include tons of soap and harsh chemical cleaners and some seriously rough scrubbing pads, Inque is really tricky to defeat. Tim Drake learns that the hard way and winds up a prisoner of Brother Eye. Next issue, he's going to be processed while Brother Eye watches from his base on the moon. And Brother Eye isn't just a big bank of computers or a satellite or WOPR! Nope! He's a humanoid automaton! Or, more probably, a cyborg! My guess is that it's Harvest! I mean Michael Holt! I mean Jason Todd!

Batman Beyond #2 Rating: No change. I wonder how well this comic book is doing so far. This comic book must be for Tim Drake fans, right? Because it seems like they're alienating the Terry McGinnis fans. If you're a fan of the cartoon (or the comics based on the cartoon), why read Batman Beyond if the main character isn't Terry McGinnis? I guess for the same reason many fans stuck around for the reboot? Plus I guess having Tim go up against Inque might be exciting for fans familiar with Inque. I like her when she looks like flocked wallpaper. Anyway, I'm not recommending this comic book to anybody because I don't know who would like this comic book?! Maybe fans of an older Barbara Gordon?

Earth 2 #29

Gomorrah means anal!

Earth 2 is over. It was fun while it lasted! Tom Taylor is off the title. While he was on it, Earth 2 was just a little corner of the DC Universe where anything could happen. But now with World's End and the plan to merge Earth-2 with Earth-Main-Earth, editorial has turned its flaming eye upon this book to ensure it becomes a boring piece of predictable garbage, simple filler to occupy the space between now and DC's final plan of merged Earths. I suppose some characters are going to die, like Thomas Wayne and Superman (again!). Unless they decide to keep Thomas around so he can die just after an "emotional" meeting with his Earth-Main-Earth son. Sure, I don't know exactly what's going to happen, so I can still be surprised by events. But the spontaneity and the feeling that anything could happen in this title has gone. Plus, the events in this book are now just closer looks at things that have already played out in World's End. Barbara was crushed by a piece of the moon after which the Editor told me to read this book. But then the next World's End came out and Barbara was back fighting rioters.

I wonder if she'll survive Gomorrah?!

Oh no! Barbara Gordon is dead! Again?

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if the act of living for four decades hadn't completely eroded me into a beautifully polished piece of highly cynical marble? Could I enjoy comic books more if I'd somehow managed to keep a sense of wonder and innocence, cultivated my naivete so that I would gasp in wide-eyed wonder at every new observance? How does one navigate the world without the pinpoint accuracy of a highly honed GPS of cynicism?! I suppose if I didn't care about the truth of things (or, at best, the observational truth of the reality that can be experienced by our limited human senses), I might be going around exclaiming that everything is miraculous, crying over the way butter melts on toast, embracing strange children on the street because I'm so overwhelmed by their beauty and innocence, complimenting women on the shape of their calves with no ulterior motive that involves penis to vagina contact (or, if she's up for it, penis to anus contact). Even in my suppositions of what life might be like if I were filled with childlike innocence, I'm a disgusting bore! At least I still have enough self-awareness that I tear up whenever I hear these lines by the Indigo Girls:

We're sculpted from youth,
but the chipping away makes me weary.

I'm so tired. So very, very tired. And I'm a horrible sculptor!

This issue is called "Flagitious" because Marguerite Bennett is showing off her vocabulary again. I think F.L.A.G.I.T.I.O.U.S is the Earth-2 version of GLAAD, or LGBTet.al. I'd take a guess at what it means but who knows what kind of genders or sexual identities exist on Earth-2! Also, who cares? The fact that they're all still Twofers makes them less important than Main Earthers!

I hope that doesn't come off as universalist! I mean, it is, but I hope it doesn't come across that way! I don't want people to know that I hate all people from other universes for no rational reason.

The moon fell on her and she "might" have a concussion. Batgirl is a tough cookie! Dammit. Now I want a cookie.

Is calling a woman a "cookie" sexist? I don't care if it is! Throw the word "problematic" at me all day long and it will just make me build my trench deeper! I'll call all women cookies all the time! I'll even call all men cookies too just to rub it in your problematic faces! COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!

Fuck. Now I want all the cookies.

I guess the woman that just helped Babs out of the crater is Earth-2 Harlequin. She's going to be severely disappointed when she finds out that Alan Scott is gay. Except she's probably gay! Or whatever the "U" stands for in FLAGITIOUS.

Or, judging by this next panel, the Earth-2 version of Harley Quinn. That was my first guess but my fingers, knowing I was writing about Earth-2, wound up typing "Harlequin." Stupid fingers. You're all fired!

Have I been using knives wrong my entire life? I've never reloaded one once!

Instead of driving around six or seven guys huddled around a flaming trash can, Lottie Quinn stops to beat the shit out of some of them with her hammer. After satisfying her bloodlust, she packs up her hammer and drives on. I think she might be crazy!

Lottie Quinn takes Dick and Babs to her home on the pier, Gomorrah. So that's why Chicago was nearly destroyed by flaming meteorites! This is probably where I should say people who don't know history are doomed to repeat it except The Bible isn't history, no matter how loudly you tell me it is.

Dick and Babs begin getting the tour of the place when...SURPRISE!...Lottie Quinn turns on them! Earth-2's version of the Tweedles are muscular bastards that love punching journalists in the back of the head. I love them! Once Dick is knocked out, Lottie Quinn tries to throw Little Johnny out of Gomorrah because when creating a society based on anal and oral sex, you don't want to invite God's wrath by allowing children to join. I think that's what the first Sodom and Gomorrah got wrong. Too many people wanted to fuck Lot's kids and God was all, "Hell no! That's crossing the line!" And then before he cut off his Heaven-to-Earth communicator, he was heard to mumble, "Ugh. These eggs are bland. Now where's the salt? Where's the motherfucking salt?"

Time for the nightly fucking of the parademon!

Dick notes the Revelations level of crazy going on in the camp and Narration Boxes that he's never been the religious type. He follows up with "But now, with the world getting more insane by the day, the minute, the second--it was getting hard to stay agnostic." What? Why? How is the destruction of the world by an alien monster some kind of stamp of approval on religion? Since all things end, starting a religion which didn't predict the future end of the world would be crazy.

And that whole "agnostic" thing. It's such a fucking cop-out. Agnostics aren't smarter or more open-minded than atheists. They might be intellectually or spiritually lazier than atheists (the former) and the religious (the latter) because they've obviously not done enough thinking or praying on the matter. I think agnostics actually believe one way or the other except they just don't want to be associated with the side with which they theoretically agree. Something about the absolute certainty of either side rubs them the wrong way, so they refuse to commit. At least having agnostics around gives atheists and the religious something to agree on! Both sides see agnostics walking around shrugging their shoulders and think, "Spineless cowards!"

Of course I didn't mean any of that about my agnostic readers! You guys are cool! Or not cool. How can I know?!

The twins drag out Barbara to throw her in the cage with the parademon. Lucky! It's her first night in camp and she gets to fuck the parademon! Except it escapes when the cage is open and begins tearing heads off of the Gomorrahans. Dick and Babs get away on Lottie Quinn's motorcycle and zoom off to World's End #9 where Babs gets shot while Constantine watches.

Earth 2 #29 Rating: -1 Ranking. What the fuck was up with the glowing hand on the cover?! One of the things I'm sick of, DC Comics, is how you kill your own titles when you inextricably link them to some other ongoing story arc. Remember how Superboy never had his own actual story in his comic book because he was always involved in the plots in other books? Remember how Justice League of America became "The Fantasy Life of Stargirl and Martian Manhunter" during Forever Evil? More issues of that comic were spent on that nonsense than there were issues involving the entire team. And now Earth 2 has become the comic book that doesn't have anything to do, so now it's simply a vehicle for side stories from World's End. Whatever! I used to really enjoy this comic book. Stupid Darkseid! He ruined everything!

Batgirl #35

Dear Diary, eat your heart out!

Dear Diary,
Long time no write, amirite?! Holy Robin Outbursts, I've got so much to tell you! So much has happened since I found out that I'm not a horrible, terrible, awful fratricider! No, no! I didn't give my most precious and super bat-spectacular gift to Dick! Besides, he's dead, Diary! *wink* You know that! *wink wink* Batman is such a lousy liar! You can always tell Batman is lying when he says, "No more secrets." Bullpoo! All you do is keep secrets, B.W.! If anybody is reading this that shouldn't be reading this, "BW" is what I call Batman because his name is (B)at (M)an and I like to sometimes write the M upside down because it looks like a bat! I guess the "M" looks like a bat too. Oh, shut up! Why are you even reading my diary, you jerk!

So here's the big news first! I totally moved out of that skank Alysia's place! J.K! I mean, JK about Alysia being a skank not about me moving out. Although you didn't see where her face was that time I walked in on her playing Scrabble with her friend, so skank is probably the right word! In a non-judgmental, totally approve of it way, of course! I wish I could get Dick to put his face there! On me though! Not on Alysia's Scrabble buddy! So now I'm living in Burnside which is like Hipster Central in Gotham City Over The River! Everywhere I go, people have waxed mustaches and non-prescription glasses with huge frames and big lumberjack beards and fixed wheel bikes that are ten feet tall and nobody quite knows the difference between vintage and retro! Every place smells like coffee and vaping! And I have a new roommate named Frankie who is totally a girl even though she has a boy's name! I think she's a skank too! In fact, I'm counting on it! LOL!

The next big news that is kind of small news (although it was really BIG news if you get my drift diary which you won't get until I tell you more!) is that I saw my first real penis! Okay, it was a photo of some junk but holy moses was it real! I think it was real. It gave me real feelings in the panties! But I pretended to be grossed out because it was an unsolicited peen and that's grosser than gross. But it was kind of not gross, you know? *sigh*

Don't I totally fit in with my new specks?!

The next totally big thing that happened which might be bigger than moving but I can't remember it so it's only the third big thing that happened to me since last time we had a nice chat, Diary. I totally got felt up by some hot guy named Troy! Swoon! Double Swoon! I don't think I can Triple Swoon until he gets into my undies though! I don't want to swoon ahead of myself.

Wait. I wonder if he got into my undies? You know what? I have an eidetic memory and I can't remember the best part of my week! Stupid alcohol! I woke up still wearing the same pair, so that's a pretty good clue that they stayed on! And they were practically grafted to me, so I'm pretty sure I slept in my puddle of joy. I'm the world's greatest detective!

Also, I caught my first Burnside criminal!

I hope busting guys in hoodies isn't as exciting as it gets out here over the bridges.

I was kinda proud of my Troy game from the night before so I referred to myself as "legal" during the fight. I totally objectified myself! LOL!

I wish Dick had objectified me more often! He sure missed out on some sweet, sweet Bat-muffin!

Oh! Diary! Did I tell you that I think Jason Todd is going for the bat-muffin now?! Ugh! I mean, he's hot enough and all. But I just don't know if I can get past his zombie status! What if his wiener falls off in my butthole? Okay, so what, Diary? So I've thought about it enough times that we're already doing butt stuff in my fantasies! Don't judge me! You know how much of his sweat I've gotten in my mouth while sparring with him shirtless? He was shirtless! Not me! Scandal! Even at fourteen, he was a rippling mass of manly ripples. Whoa! I need to be careful. I almost Triple Swooned there just thinking about it!

And then guess who came back into my life like a long lost black canary! Dina...Black Canary? What kind of stupid name is that? Why haven't I ever thought about that before?! Is that some kind of rare canary that shrieks obscenities at people? I guess she took the name canary because of her canary yellow hair and her ability to smell gas! LOL! Anyswayze, Dinah came back into my life even though I practically called her a cunt the last time we were together. See, her dojo was burned down which totally sucked because that's where I'd left my mobile Batgirlcave! And guess what, Diary?! You can't insure Batgirl stuff without giving away your secret identity! So I'm like shit out of fuck luck to coin a dirty, dirty phrase! I'd like to say that in front of Batman! I bet steam would come out of his butthole! That guy is so pent up. I wonder if Alfred gives him happy ending massages! For therapeutic reasons, of course!

So Dinah suddenly doesn't have any place to stay so she comes to me? Why me?! How did she even get my new address?! Grrr! That Alysia is going to pay! I guess I'm happy that Dinah still thought of me first rather than that creepy date-rapist Condor. Looking at his stupid costume with that stupid helmet, I'm fairly certain he meant to call himself Condom. LOL!

Anyswayze, long story short, I lost my laptop! I guess that was also "long story, conclusion that makes no sense!" Ha ha! It was all part of my plan to solve the mystery of Dinah's life going up in flames and taking my Batgirl stuff along with it! I should probably think up shorter names for the mysteries I'm going to solve if they're going to fit on the cover of young adult books that will detail my life and ensure I have lots and lots of money when I retire in like 80 years!

So more big news, Diary! I joined an online dating site! For research and investigative purposes, of course!

I am so going to get fucked! KAIJU SIZED SMILEY FACE!

And while I was busy making my new costume (I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW IT TO YOU, DIARY! IT'S FUDGING ADORBZ!), I got my first potential hymen breaker! I mean suspect!

Mmm! My ass looks tasty in my new Bat-pants! OMG! I'd eat my own ass! Gross!

I could tell by his message that Brad was an asshole. He couldn't be bothered to hit the shift arrow on his phone? And he used the apostrophe once so he knows where it's at? Why not use it in every proper instance, Brad? But he could spend the time typing way too many exclamation points? Nobody is that exciting, Brad. And using "your" instead of "you're"? Unacceptable! Also, it was total foreshadowing when he typed "hit me back"! LOL!

Anyswayze, I totally yoinked "Brad's" data as Batgirl when Gordon Barbara Gordon couldn't show up for the date. Although I guess I can't use that trick anymore or else people might figure out the connection, amirite?! Pretty soon, Babs will be getting messages like "Riddle me this, hottie! What's three inches long and ends with a bang?!" or "It's feeding time at the zoo, my fishy sweet! Waah waah waah!" or "Didn't I shoot you in the spine? How come we never got a second date? We should meet BACK up! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Turns out "Brad" aka Freddy Buttboy has been stealing phones and laptops so Riot Black can get his hands on the information and blackmail people with it. And now he had my laptop! With all of my secrets on it! And the possible footage of Probably Condor burning down Canary's dojo! That creep didn't know who he was messing with! Unless he had already gotten his fat hands on my laptop and then he knew exactly who he was messing with! Eeep!

You wouldn't believe how long I had to stare down through that skylight before he said something that I could turn into a cool one-liner!

I'm totally rocking that new costume, right Diary?! BAM! You just got your ass kicked by one hot little mama, criminals! BAM! Look at this ass! BAM! Now look at this fist! BAM! Check out these perky sweet boobs! BAM! Now look at my foot! BAM! Look at my crotch from the back as I bend over and sexily look over my shoulder at you! BAM! Batgirlarang to your boner, bitch!

My plan wasn't to totally kick Black's ass that night although ramming his head into a dirty urinal was maybe the best part of my week. LOL. My plan was just to take away all the data he'd stolen. And since having an eidetic memory is so rare, I figured he was using some kind of Batman-Villain Cyber-Crap to steal the info. And that's when my super sweet plan that even Tim Drake would bow to me over was put into motion!

I'm such a friggin' genius that I should have an army of Oompa Loompas.

And then, well, I guess I should probably tell you how my week ended although it's really kind of embarrassing. Remember how I was rigging my van to explode if anybody tried to mess with it? I know! I know! It was totally irresponsible because I could have killed some kids just breaking in to steal change out of the ashtray! But even worse? I'm totally to blame for burning down Dinah's dojo because of that stupid incendiary device! Now Dinah totally hates me and is never going to forgive me and we're never going to be friends again. Just like all the other times, right Diary! LOL! She's my bestie!

Batgirl #35 Rating: +5 Ranking. I love new Batgirl. I think I love new Batgirl because I'm pretty sure she's based on my earlier Batgirl Diary entries! They totally ripped off my Batgirl!

Nightwing Annual #1

Hands of who #God truly is thinking that fell on a problem is considered not 'respectable.' The ancient Zoroastrian scriptures while one urinates.

Since this is a Goddamned annual, I am going to simply use the Facebook App, What Would I Say, for all of my picture captions! Or, more probably, I'm just going to sit here for the next four hours hitting the "Generate Status" button while barely paying attention to my Nightwing comic book. I wish there was one that would generate Tumblr posts in the same way so I could just use the app for all future commentaries! I have a feeling this commentary is going to be light on the descriptions and heavy on the scans so I can post a whole bunch of Tessbot status updates!

This issue begins with Firebug burning a man named Ted Carson alive in his apartment building in Gotham City. Unless the villain's name isn't Firebug. And unless this isn't Ted Carson. And unless this isn't Gotham City. What it is, though, is a lot of orange ink across a double page spread.

Now it is somebody trying to cancelling his character from sheath; and then you are probably shaving their eyebrows and Batman, motherfucker!

Meanwhile across town in Old Gotham (unless Old Gotham is located within Gotham as opposed to adjacent to Gotham or across the river from Gotham. This might be the first time I've ever heard of Old Gotham. Probably not though. Perhaps the first time I actually paid attention to the mention of a Gotham City neighborhood. Fuck, I don't even know the names of the neighborhoods in Portland. That's where I live!), Barbara Gordon is helping Dick Grayson pack up his apartment so he can move to Chicago. Personally, I don't know why everybody in Gotham isn't engaging in this activity. Maybe not the destination part of the equation but certainly the fleeing from Gotham part of the plan.

The first time you what? The first time you what?! I mean, "Speaking of the opening to The exuviae of humor."

Of course they wind up swinging around Gotham on their Batgrapples dressed as Nightwing and the Ginger Ninja. Probably because they have to investigate Firebug's recent bout of arson. I mean bouts, apparently! Bullock tells Nightwing that a string of fires and bombings have all been tied to a woman named Cindy Cooke. And she believes she knows who is targeting her but she won't deal with the cops. She wants to deal with The Batman. But I guess she'll accept Nightwing and his side kick in the ski mask and sweat pants.

Who the fuck asked you, Ginger Ninja? You're lucky she's even dealing with you! Why isn't she more disappointed that she asked for a bat and ended up with a jogger whose face chills easily? I mean, "I talked about the movie The original version of Kids of monkeys. bulwark of the old Testament says the Messiah will ride in on your face?"

Cindy Cooke believes a pyrotechnic guy that worked on her film before she fired him is behind the fires. It's obvious that he's a psychotic weirdo since he asked people to call him "Firefly" around the set. Dude, you do not think up your own nickname and then ask people to call you by it. That's worse than setting buildings on fire. Cindy spills her secrets to Nightwing while The Ginger Ninja hugs and consoles her. If I were Cindy, I'd probably have taken a serious attitude with this jerk in a half-assed costume trying to worm her way into a Bat investigation. How about sewing up a real suit, slacker?

Meanwhile, a man on a movie set is screaming "clit" at everyone because I guess that's what you do on movie sets when actors start acting all actory.

Note on down to all Facebook secretly likes Björk. It is considered unclean.

You know, this director is involved in movie making. And all of the places Firefly torched were movie and/or ex-boyfriend related! I'm no Batman but I think he might be the next victim!

Well, apparently I really am no Batman because he's not the next victim at all! He's just a lead! And Nightwing and The Ginger Ninja follow up on it and learn where they might be able to find Garfield Lynns, alias (allegedly!) The Firefly! At the follow up, they find a note that doesn't make any sense. But then we've already established that I'm no Batman, so it's probably just my feeble brain unable to comprehend what the note means.

Why would Garfield Lynns have put his own name on a list of things to burn and then crossed it off? Unless Firefly is actually Ted Carsons and he faked his own death by burning Garfield Lynns in his place! I mean, "Cookies are probably shaving their success with your vorpal sword.' Snicker snack and a month ago. They were talking, and I got him started, he said, 'O light wont last night, as you're doing in a high pay; but that Allah and then I saw you smoking the date you didn't know any sort of vague thing I've done anything."

While they were ransacking Garfield Lynns' workshop, Nightwing decided to ask Batgirl to leave her comatose boyfriend behind and move to Chicago with him. Classy!

Nightwing alerts Bullock to the possible issue at Willowbrook Charity Dinner but he never mentions how weird the note is, what with Garfield's own name crossed off and all. I'm beginning to suspect it was an editorial fuckup! But if it wasn't then Nigthwing and The Ginger Ninja are worse detectives than the Scooby Gang. And, come on, they were actually pretty crappy at their job. Or hobby? I don't think any of them were ever paid for their work. I bet Velma had received a huge inheritance and she convinced the others to drop out of college and travel the United States with her in her step-dad's van. And I don't want anybody commenting how they earned cash selling drugs or trafficking in sex slaves because that's as boring and trite as claiming Bert and Ernie were gay. Which they might have been but they definitely weren't a couple. Bert would have dumped Ernie's ass in a fucking heartbeat if they were an item. Unless Ernie was amazing at sucking the dick. I wonder if "Rubber Dicky" was the original name of his bathtub song?

But he didn't hit Garfield Lynns! Batman would be so disappointed in you, Nightwing. I mean, "and they were better loved her daughter's womanly cravings in Oregon City pink."

Nightwing finally realizes that Firefly is probably going after Cindy although he doesn't realize that it's Ted Carson seeing as how Garfield Lynns' name was on the list! I hate that I can't let that go! But DC really kind of fucked up this story if that's a mistake. But then, if it isn't a mistake, then Nightwing and Barbara really fucked up their job! So Firefly must be Garfield Lynns and the creative team made a big error on the note. It's easier to believe that the people that put the comic book together made a mistake than to believe that Dick and Babs fucked up!

I made that mistake too, Dick! We're the same! I mean, "Do they still have been a fucking parrot is intelligent, articulate, and said, Unicorn Sandwich. Also, Concrete Blonde tonight and his Son in apophallating species, the penis deserves all Facebook posts and all of these little gems."

Nightwing and The Ginger Ninja fail to stop Firefly from burning the shit out of Cindy Cooke. Except it's not Cindy Cooke. It's Cindy Cooke's agent. Which finally allows the last clue to drop into place so that Nightwing and The Ginger Ninja realize who Firefly really is! I'm pretty sure it's Cindy herself! And she's probably in serious debt so she decided to put on a rubber mask and burn the shit out of her entire life and then fake her own death. Which would still explain the note because Cindy would have had to kill Garfield Lynns as well to plant it all on him! But that doesn't explain why Dick and Babs missed that. Unless they didn't miss it and they were waiting until the end of the episode where they unmask Firefly to reveal Cindy Cooke and Babs says, "I first realized it wasn't Garfield when we found the killer's first mistake: the note with Garfield's name on it. Why would he write his name on a list of hits and then cross it out? I thought, 'Babs. I mean, Batgirl. I mean, The Ginger Ninja, this right here...this is a clue!'"

Or, you know, it was Ted like I originally guessed. The rest of my supposition about Babs and her final reveal still works though! I mean, "For those were all Greek, Wallachians, Armenians or Bjork just like a born pederast and he mostly does anything."

Nightwing and whatever Babs is actually calling herself now (The Stalker? The Creep? The Neighborhood Watch Target?) figure out where Ted took Cindy and arrive to kick the crap out of him. Firefly is as stupid as The Wicked Witch of the West! If your big weakness is water, keep water fucking away from you! Nightwing kicks Firefly into the bay and the fight is over. Afterward, Dick moves to Chicago while avoiding the relationship talk with Barbara because he learned a lesson about forcing relationships from Firefly and Cindy Cooke. But they both care for each other and something will eventually happen in the future when Barbara realizes she's an Amputeeist and begins hating Ricky for not having two feet.

And, finally, we learn what first Babs was talking about! And, yes, I'm slightly disappointed even though I know she only recently had her first kiss with a boy in the pages of Batgirl (with Ricky!).

"A few flattered themselves on Saturday Night sometime between the first time I ever gone more of him as Robin for Calculus Formulas tried to download a virus on me." Well damn. That one was nearly appropriate!

Nightwing Annual #1 Rating: This was fun. I was very happy to see Babs and Dick finally doing some serious talking about their relationship. They've had a few, small moments previously but it was nice to see them deal with it here. Even though Dick does kind of avoid it at the end like usual. They come to a nice peace about it here. And one page of their first date? I'll take it. Also, I think I learned a lot about myself from What Would I Say?

Swamp Thing #16

Swamp Thing meet Womanbatgirl.

While Animal Man has built up a mighty army over in his Rotworld: The Red Kingdom half of this story, Swamp Thing has only managed to lose everybody in his group. Maybe that's a good thing because now he'll have time alone in the Batcave to develop a romance with Womanbatgirl. Normally I wouldn't advocate mammal/plant relationships because I was raised as a fear-mongering bigot that can't accept a plant fucking an animal. But Swamp Thing was bitten by Rabid Rot Batman, so he's probably going to turn into a Werebatplant any second now. I don't think Baby Jesus would frown on that relationship.

Come to think of it, does Baby Jesus even exist in The New 52? Oh yeah! He was in an issue of Blue Beetle as a picture on a wall. By seeing that picture, the Reach Scarab inside Jamie Reyes suddenly understood self-sacrifice and was then okay with Jamie's suicidal plans. And I guess the whole origin of The Phantom Stranger hinges on Jesus having been an actual person in The New 52. But I still have to wonder how DC rebooted him! What was his origin in this universe? What were his powers? Is he friends with the Greek Gods from Wonder Woman? Is he more believable than the one in our universe?

Back to Swamp Thing and his lack of an army, all he needs to do is find twelve year old Damian Wayne alive and his group will be more powerful than Animal Man's. Maybe not more powerful but definitely angrier. But whatever happened in Gotham must have to stay in Gotham because this comic book begins with Swamp Thing trudging up to Arcane's back door all by himself.

Swamp Thing versus Superman and the Suicide Squad and The Birds of Prey! Let's hope he has a surprise Bat-army following him up. Everyone can always use a surprise Bat-army.

Of course the scene shifts to six days earlier where Babs Gordon shows Swamp Thing a recording of Half-Rot Batman made specifically for Alec Holland. Because Batman prepares for every eventuality, especially the eventuality that usually happens. Or maybe it was just a lucky guess that Swamp Thing would wander into Gotham looking for him. Except I think maybe it was Poison Ivy who told Swamp Thing that Batman was working on something he could use. I forget how the plan was put together because I read too many fucking comic books and can't keep anything straight anymore. Anyway, Batman made something for Alec to use against Arcane. Or maybe to use against Rot Superman since at least three quarters of Batman's projects have to do with putting down Superman if he should ever turn away from justice.

Barbara Gordon leads the Swamp Thing to New Gotham which is, of course, in Arkham Asylum (isn't it always the way in alternate timelines?).

A monster climbs out of the sewers into your refuge and nobody shoots him in the face with a shotgun?

Batman was working on creating a huge batch of Alec Holland's bio-restorative formula. Swamp Thing finishes up Batman's work, making it as aggressive as possible. So now Swamp Thing has a shit-ton of Miracle-Gro to back him up. Swamp Thing also remarks that Batman left a special chemical that the Swamp Thing is going to try to incorporate into the formula. If you've been paying attention to what I've been saying about Batman, you already know what I'm guessing the chemical is: Kryptonite. While Swamp Thing is finalizing Batman's version of his bio-restorative formula, Arkham Asylum comes under attack.

The invasion force includes Giganta, Commissioner Gordon, and, I believe, Clayface.

As Arkham begins to fall, Swamp Thing finishes filling the container beneath the chamber he and Babs are currently in. But it's not just a chamber, Swamp Thing says. So he must be filling a person full of this bio-restorative formula. Plastic Man was my first thought because that would just be so frickin' cool. He's probably Rot-proof, right? But I can't picture Plastic Man being introduced to The New 52 this way. Perhaps Metamorpho since he was a member of Batman, Incorporated? How about I stop guessing and keep reading to find out?!

But before I find out, a quick recap on Abby Arcane in the past: she's failing miserably.

Okay! Back to the action! As Swamp Thing approaches Rot Superman and Rot Suicide Squad and Rot Turds of Prey, he unleashes his secret weapon full of green growing goodness!

Of course it's a Bat-bot! Plastic Man is too full of ADHD to sit in a chamber waiting for someone to pump him full of plant nutrients.

But it's not just a Bat-bot! Swamp Thing also has his Bat-army!

Including Mr. Freeze, Killer Croc, and The Floronic Man (not pictured).

For himself, Swamp Thing strapped Bane's venom delivery device to his back so it could pump the bio-restorative formula directly into him for added strength and, probably, a bit of a kryptonite touch!

And I guess we should check in on Abby Arcane before I wrap this up.

Whoops!

Swamp Thing #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. While Animal Man's fourth part was simply the heroes getting from Point A to Point B while picking up a new companion and defeating a mediocre enemy, Swamp Thing's fourth part was an epic tale of survival and rebellion. I love the panel with what is essentially the last of the human race charging Rot Superman and his Rot Army with little more than squirt guns filled with plant nutrients. I really hope the end of this crossover lives up to the journey!