Eclipso: The Darkness Within: The Adventures of Superman Annual #4 (August 1992)

Guy Gardner AND Lobo on the cover of a '90s comic book? This issue must have sold a trillion copies!

The Adventures of Superman Annual #4 (August 1992)
By Robert Loren Fleming, Bob McLeod, Albert De Guzman, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti
Edited by Dan Thorsland and Mike Carlin

• I've been trying to interpret this cover for three days now. Here's what I've concluded: Superman's right side has been Eclipsed which is why his right arm and right bollock¹ are so massive. Lobo has shoved his hook up his own ass to stimulate his Czarnian prostate because it makes killing feel so much better. With Lobo about to bite into Superman's midsection, this might be the first cover by an artist who understood the true meaning of Lobo's name². Superman has shoved Krypto up his ass to lick his prostate which is why he's currently having a screaming orgasm. He didn't do it in anticipation of this battle; he was just doing it for kicks when he was attacked by Lobo. Guy Gardner, not being the best at smarts, believes a gigantic fireball made out of yellow light will harm Superman and/or Lobo. It's also possible he was so late to the battle that he has yet to get his yellow fireball up his ass so that it massages his prostate while he, oh, I don't know, sucks Lobo's dick? Is that how everybody else sees this cover? Seems pretty logical to me. • This is the final Eclipso: The Darkness Within annual that I have to read unless I find the Green Arrow and The Demon annuals. I know I have The Demon annual with my run of Grant and Semieks series. But was I getting Green Arrow at the time? That doesn't seem possible. The only time I remember purchasing Green Arrow of my own free will³ was when Kevin Smith was writing it. But I wasn't reading most of these other series that I purchased the annuals for so it's weird that I don't have Green Arrow. Maybe I've just always hated him that much and I couldn't bear to spend the money on it. I probably thought, "I could play a full game of Cyberball for two dollars and fifty cents instead!"

I'm going to guess that Lobo was so drunk that he just assumed he was in Antarctica when he visited the Fortress and saw the snow and polar bears.

• You know what? I give up. I always figured Superman's Fortress of Solitude was in the Arctic but enough writers keep putting it in the Antarctic that I'm simply tired of fighting it. I'm glad they finally put it in the Bermuda Triangle. Or wherever the fuck it is now. It's been in so many different places, no wonder no writer can keep it straight.

• When I was a young prepubescent dimwit of moderate energy, I once decided to dig a hole in my backyard. Not a small hole. No, this was going to be the biggest hole anybody had ever seen since the Chicxulub crater was discovered. And since this possibly took place before that was discovered, it was going to simply be the biggest hole. I dug down about two feet but the diameter of the hole was near four feet. It was about that time that I uncovered something that looked a lot like that disgusting L.E.G.I.O.N. member scanning the Antarctic for Superman except that it was brown. I had no idea what it was but when I hit it with my shovel, it split open and oozed what I'm assuming was all of its gooey life essences out into the dirt. I had no idea what it was and didn't even consider it was something living, some kind of pupa or chrysalis. But when I saw it rupture and spill vital fluids across the dirt, I freaked out. I threw down my shovel and ran inside the house to hide from, well, I don't know what I was hiding from. I was just completely creeped out. The hole remain undug for several years. I believe, at some point, long after the unheimlich of the incident had faded from my blood, my friends and I used the crater as a battle place for some kind of Warhammer game that wasn't exactly Warhammer but I can't remember what it was.

• Apparently as a young boy, "running inside the house to hide" was my go-to move. I also used to go out in the driveway late at night and shine a flashlight into the starry sky until I was sure that aliens had noticed me and were homing in on my location. I'd become a living goosebump and run inside to hide from the aliens. If they came knocking, they could take my mother. I'd be safe under my Scooby Doo blanket!

• In this comic book, we learn nothing. I was going to say one of two things but since you can't be sure which it is (among, I'm sure, an infinite amount of interpretations being that human beings are infinitely stupid and also finitely smart), you effectively learn nothing. Those two things that totally don't matter are this: Alfred totally wasn't in the SAS at all and he's a huge fucking liar and massive scaredy cat; or Alfred has an infinite amount of patience with Batman's wards and willingly indulges their stupid pranks to make them feel good.

I guess the fact that Alfred doesn't instantly kill Dick here isn't really proof that Alfred wasn't SAS. I guess.

• After Alfred shits his pants and/or puts away the blade that was mere seconds from going through Dick's eye and piercing his brain, he calls Dick a "scamp". That sounds like a slur for circus people!

• Nightwing's searching for Superman in the Batcave but Alfred is all, "No Superman here, according to the Batcave Sensors which, as you know, are especially dialed in to detect Superman so Batman can kill him." The fact that Nightwing looks for Superman in the Batcave after Superman's turned evil says a lot about the tenuous relationship between Clark and Bruce. Or Nightwing just figured that Superman had to hide from the sun as Eclipso so why not the Batcave? It's dark and full of people who would beat his ass when they discovered he was there. He might be a great trapeze artist with a stylish mullet and ponytail but he's a shit detective.

• Have you ever spent a few hours fantasizing about seeing Crimson Fox and Black Canary wrestle in shit? If so, you're in lucky, baby!

The guy with the waggly nose that's always sniffing out mysteries can't smell that the mud they're wrestling in is shit.

• If any superhero team ever needed a sexual harassment in the work place seminar, it's Justice League Europe. And I don't just meant the guys! The way Crimson Fox, Catherine Cobert, and Sue Dibny treated Captain Atom like a prime hunk of fat cock was just as hot and sexy⁴ as when Wally and Ralph did treated Power Girl like a sentient pair of tits.

• Booster Gold manages to locate Superman using a computer all by himself without any help at all, probably, from Skeets and an earpiece.

• For some reason, Wildebeest is hanging out with Booster, Fire, Ice, and Bloodwynd. I really don't fucking care to know why. I'm more interested in why Fire has blonde hair.

It's easy enough to answer: it's a coloring mistake. Her hair is green in every other panel. Boo. I want in-continuity reasons!

• If you're wondering where Blue Beetle is, he was kidnapped by Bruce Gordon and taken to the Ozymandias's Band of Geniuses Building a Massive Alien Octopus and Light Gun to Shoot the Moon Island.

• Aquaman makes an appearance riding a Killer Whale and completely failing like always. He didn't get an annual because he sucks jellyfish dick⁵ and nobody would have purchased it in much the same way that I refused to purchase the Green Arrow annual.

• Everybody gathers on the side of the volcano where they've discovered Superman is hiding. Yes, even Aquaman. How's he going to help? I know, that's not fair. I could be asking the same question about Ice or Crimson Fox or Elongated Man or Black Canary. Not only are they going to battle Superman, they're going to do it inside of an active volcano. Is that why the cover depicts Guy and Lobo battling Superman? Because everybody else dies in the volcano in the first chapter?

• Guy Gardner makes his debut appearance (since undergoing his transformation in his three issue prestige format series) and really princesses it up. As if a white gloves, a pair of jeans, and cowboy boots are the hottest look of the year.

I've never seen Hal Jordan preen this badly and Hal loves to preen.

• Preen. Preeeeeeeen. Preeen. Preen. Sounds weird.

• I'm missing the next twenty pages of the comic book because I tore them out and replaced them with my own drawings of Guy Gardner and Lobo sucking and fucking each other like crazy. It's actually pretty romantic stuff. I like a little bit of sweetness and story to my hand-drawn pornography.

• Later we'll discover that Bloodwynd is really J'onn J'onzz in disguise. I'm not sure that was always supposed to be the plan or, if it was, nobody told Robert Loren Fleming because Bloodwynd tackles the volcano like a champ who isn't at all a Martian.

Wait. Did we also discover, later later, that Bloodwynd really did exist? But this version was J'onn, right? Fuck comic book continuity is so confusing.

• Lobo immediately gets his ass beat by Eclipso Superman because in 1992, the main way to show that somebody was really powerful was to have them defeat the Main Man. Every writer wanted to do a story where the hero they were writing defeats Lobo to show that they could best the absolute best. Which wound up making Lobo a huge punching bag who didn't seem capable of beating everybody. Also he was ass-raped in Hitman by Bueno Excellente which seemed, up, excessive?

• Metamorpho causes the volcano to erupt which ejects Superman and everybody else into the air. But it's moments too late as the sun just sets as Superman takes to the air. It seems the Earth is about to lose everything to Eclipso. And all because Superman gave himself to Eclipso to save the population of one small town. That would, of course, immediately be enslaved by Eclipso when Eclipso used Superman to take over the world. You know, Batman wouldn't have been so stupid. I mean, sure, Batman Eclipsed himself on purpose to defeat Eclipsed Joker. But he knew they'd wind up in a stalemate and the morning sun would interrupt their fight and save them both. Because he's no Superman⁶.

• All of the heroes who gathered at the volcano to stand around uselessly as the heroes with powers tried to stop Superman wind up being needed to save the villagers of the island escape the lava from the volcano which the heroes caused to erupt. They bring them to the ocean where there aren't enough boats for everybody so Aquaman brings in some whales leading to Nightwing saying the rarest statement in the history of DC Comics.

But I mean, did he? Really?

• Having a character exclaim that Aquaman saved the day makes it feel like Aquaman must not have actually saved the day or else why would readers need a massive shot of Nightwing enthusiastically stating it? This feels like Batman got Nightwing alone for a moment early in the morning and said, "If you get the chance, really play up Aquaman's part in the heroics. I feel like he's starting to think he's just as useless as we all know he is."

• Eclipso Superman beats the shit out of everybody for a few minutes until Guy Gardner, having raced to the sun and back in, presumably, sixteen minutes, brings back a big scoop of solar matter to dump in Superman's face. Then he tackles him into the volcano where Superman finally returns to normal and where Guy's boots, jeans, and white gloves don't burn off of his body. I guess the Sinestro ring is as good at protecting its host as the Green Lantern rings.

• All of the heroes and villains who have been Eclipsed are gathering at the crater in Arizona. Pantha is one of them which explains why Wildebeest was being babysat by Bloodwynd. I forgot exactly what happened during the Titans Annual because I re-read it a few years ago when I was re-reading the Titans series.

• Dick and Superman track down all of the missing scientists except Dick leaves Superman t find them himself because he has to go fight the Eclipsed Titans in a crater. So Superman goes on his own and walks into a trap! But it's just a trap for Eclipso in that Superman gets blasted with sunlight as he walks in on the scientists. But that's where this issue ends. As if readers are going to be all, "Oh no! Superman walked into a trap! He's done for!" He's fine! Just a little more powered up, probably!

The Ranking!
That's the end of The Darkness Within annuals! Only one book left: Eclipso: The Darkness Within #2! This annual was really good because Lobo and Guy Gardner and Lobo and Lobo and Guy Gardner and — you won't believe this one — Phase's ass. Hoo boy! What an ass! It may have excited me more than Lobo and Guy Gardner beating the shit out of Superman.


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¹ Bollock not depicted. But, believe me, it's fucking huge.
² In the Czarnian language, Lobo means "One who devours your entrails and thoroughly enjoys it."
³ No, nobody forced me to purchase it without my consent. I added that condition because reading The New 52 Green Arrow wasn't my free will; it was just a necessary part of the project to read all of The New 52 books every month.
⁴ I mean despicable. I meant to say despicable!
⁵ They must have dicks, right? Big stinging danglers!
⁶ Meaning he's smart. Like how when I said Superman was no Batman, that meant Superman was dumb.

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #25 (Fourth Week of May 2018)

E!TACT! #25
New Superman #23, Eternity Girl #3, No Justice #1, Michael Cray #7, Kick-Ass #4, Superman Special #1, Poetry Corner, Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews, and Letters to Me!
By Grunion Guy


2019's Hot Takes On Comics (2019 because I'm so Avant Garde! (Is that how you spell that? (And am I using it correctly?! (I mean the term "Avant Garde" (and also the term "hot takes"))))

New Superman and the Justice League of China #23
By Yang, Peeples, Santorelli, and Hi-Fi

We all know Aquaman is a terrible character that hasn't fit in with modern storytelling since the late '50s. Perhaps he skated through the '60s as an acceptable hero because people reading comic books were on LSD. But into the '70s, he was nothing but a total snore. The preponderance of Quaaludes didn't help his case either. Hell, he was the superhero version of Quaaludes. Bill Cosby got so much pussy handing out Aquaman comic books. Don't at me. Is that what the kids say when they say something controversial? I'm not even sure what it means. Just don't do it. Cosby was a terrible human being. Almost as bad as Aquaman was a superhero.

Oh hey! I just noticed Google loves to drag Cosby too. I looked up Quaaludes just to be sure I was spelling it right. As I flipped back to that tab to shut it down, I noticed this:

Hee hee hee!

My point is that Aquaman isn't any less boring when you make him North Korean and stick him on a more lighthearted Justice League. He's also been given a hard-edged makeover but that doesn't help either. Remember when Peter David tried that and everybody went, "Oh my God! Aquaman is going to be so cool now!" Then after a few issues, everybody forgot to keep buying the comic book and had been raped by Bill Cosby.

About half a year into this newsletter thing and I'm finally utilizing it to its utmost potential! I could never make that joke if I were still on Tumblr! Or in the public eye at all! Or cared about what people think of me!

Rating: This comic book series isn't as good as it was when it began but it's still enjoyable. It retains the exuberance and whimsy of superhero comic books from the 80s but with a modern sensibility. It's as if Chinese heroes forgot to model themselves after The Dark Knight Returns or they've forgotten that their stories are supposed to be so self-aware that they should constantly be questioning how they fit into the world or why they don't become fascist monsters or how effective are they really when they can't save everybody?! Superheroes in China are like bloggers writing newsletters! I really don't have to care about my stupid audience and can simply do whatever I want! Although I shouldn't call my audience stupid because they're obviously super smart if they're reading this.

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Eternity Girl #3
By Visaggio, Liew, and Chuckry

This series reminds me a bit of "Night-sea Journey" from Barth's Lost in the Funhouse. I didn't say it was exactly the same or that the themes are parallel or that this book is also about a sperm having an existential crisis. I said it "reminds me a bit of" that story. That's important because most people on the Internet don't understand subtlety and love to argue. That makes them the worst people in the world and I'm trying desperately to avoid those people. Of course now I probably have to explain why it reminds me a bit of that story which is the difficult part because "reminds me a bit of" is like seeing the face of somebody you've never met before and knowing it reminds you of another person but not being able to place that person. All you can express is the familiarity.

But I'll try anyway! See, the spermatozoa in "Night-sea journey" is concerned about perpetuating a cycle that only causes agony and misery and loneliness. It contemplates why it's making this journey and how maybe things would be better if all the spermatozoa just refused to participate (if I'm remembering the story correctly. It has been over twenty years since I read the book and I haven't been able to reread it because Upright loaned the book to his girlfriend at the time and she never returned it. I'm glad they broke up! She also once ordered a shrimp dish at a Cuban restaurant and then picked out all the shrimp. Ugh! Oh, and one time, she said she hated Madonna because we were watching a thing about Madonna. Then we both pointed out that we liked Madonna so she was embarrassed because she liked Madonna too but only said she didn't because she assumed we didn't! Then another time, she pronounced wanton like "wonton" and we all laughed and I think we hurt her feelings. I think I also got Upright in trouble once because he told me a sexy secret that I didn't know was a secret (and which I can't remember anymore, dammit! (but I did remember it later and now I'm adding it: he told me Simone had a dream where, in the dream, she wanted me to watch her and Upright have sex! I didn't think mentioning it was a big deal because it was a dream. But then when she got upset, I thought, "Oh! Maybe she does want me to watch them have sex! Ooh la la! Or gross!") and I revealed I knew it at some beerfest which ruined his day because she was embarrassed and mad at him after that. She probably had some good aspects to her personality as well but those stories are less interesting and I forgot them. Especially because all I can think about is the story about being in the Japanese gardens and what happened beneath the bamboo! Ooh la la! Or gross!). In Eternity Girl, she's sort of making the same decision about ending the cycle of life and death except she's a bit more upfront about how selfish she's being. She wants to end everything because it's the only way she can die and she's a bit suicidal. So see? There's a similarity there that was enough to allow me to talk about Simone, Upright's ex-girlfriend! Who knew I wanted to do that so badly?! Not me!

Ranking: I think my main point is that Upright owes me a copy of Lost in the Funhouse! You know my address, Upright! Amazon that shit to me! And don't use the address in this newsletter or it will go to the McDonald's on the corner of Scott and El Camino! [Fun Fact: Upright sent me a copy of Barth's book after this! Thanks, Upright!]

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No Justice #1
By Snyder, Williamson, Tynion IV, and Manapul

Superhero comic books are the worst at telling stories where everything looks bleak and hopeless because they never resolve the situation in an interesting or emotional or surprising way. In the end, the heroes simply believe in themselves more for no real reason or they throw a bigger punch than they've been throwing or they all finally work together in a way that isn't depicted through story but through Narration Boxes and dialogue where somebody says or thinks, "We need to all work together!" Then the heroes all nod and win.

The best superhero story where the world is about to end and the heroes rally at the end to defeat the bad guy is Pretty Soldier Sailor Moon R: The Movie. I didn't even need to watch it in English the first time to understand it and be moved emotionally by the plot. The part at the end where the Sailor Scouts rally by remembering the times Sailor Moon was there for them, after which they stood up and said, "Usagi!" and "Usagi!" and "Usagi!" and "Usako!" was more touching and believable than any time Superman ever thought, "I just have to believe in myself and justice and Lois Lane's unbelievable lips on my penis!" No wait. That last one about the lips was really good but I don't think it counts because I thought it.

What I'm trying to say is that I have no faith that this story will present an engaging climax to a story that was probably pitched as "Just think about how crazily the fans will react to the heroes teaming up with DC's major cosmic villains! Holy smokes! James, stop fondling my ass crack!" I'm sure DiDio did not stop Snyder in the pitch to ask, "Is the story coherent? Does it have an emotional theme to keep the readers engaged? Does it say something more important than 'heroes can beat up bad guys'?" Although he may have interrupted to ask, "How much is Williamson going to be responsible for? You'll keep him on a short leash, right? God, he's terrible."

In other words, "Remember all the other cosmic threats to the very existence of the DC Universe? Even the ones that destroyed everything and rebooted the entire franchise so we could fix past mistakes by making new ones? That was nothing compared to this! Prepare to believe this threat is super dangerous because we just told you it was the worst ever! Oh my God, the tension!"

The problem is that the Source Wall has a small crack in it and The Guardians are freaking the fuck out. For some reason, Kyle Rayner doesn't step up and say, "I'll handle this! I've been on the other side of that wall and it was nothing for a great hero like me (who was just an average comic book reader, remember! Because they're the greatest, right guys?)" Then he doesn't look at the reader and doesn't wink and doesn't reach out to jerk the reader off a little bit before saving the day. Instead he just floats in the background while Guy Gardner says, "This is some totally new and different shit that can't be compared with all of the other universe ending shit that we've dealt with! And that's me saying that! The guy who always talks super tough! Whoa, we must be in trouble!"

Man! I'm really scared now! This threat is really serious, guys! If the next thing I read is that Lobo pissed himself thinking about the Omega Titans, I'm going to have to read this book with the lights on! I mean, I have to do that anyway but I meant it in an I'm so scared I need the lights on kind of way and not an I can't see a thing without the lights on kind of way!

If you're an aspiring comic book writer, here are a few tips on how to write a believable story about the end of the universe. First, you start with an antagonist that looks like it could juggle planets. Just having something of that size makes the reader think, "Uh oh. This could be trouble!" Second, you have to say, preferably right near the beginning of the story, "This is the worst threat to the existence of everything ever!" You might not want to say it that bluntly. Usually you'll want to tie it into the main character in some way. Perhaps have Batman say something like, "I survived the death of my parents. But I don't know if I'll survive this! Emotionally, I mean! So traumatic!" Or maybe have Martian Manhunter drop his Oreos when he hears the news and rush off without picking them up or making sure the package is resealed so they won't go stale before he returns. That totally suggests he might not ever return! Or maybe have one of the original Justice League lock themselves in the bathroom and then not respond to Mera pounding on the door before she finally breaks in to find that original Justice Leaguer has opened his fishy wrists and scrawled on the wall in his own blood, "IT".

Shit! Things are so bad, Starfire is using contractions!

The opening scene upsets me. Not because the world is being overrun by cosmic monsters but because it seems to suggest Dick Grayson is a pedophile. It shows teams battling the monsters. It begins with Suicide Squad which, of course, means a shot of Harley saying something hilariously wacky. Then it shows Nightwing with the caption, "The Titans." That reminds me that Nightwing is on a team called the Titans which have "recently" regrouped after The New 52 ended in a nostalgic story that focused on how they've been friends for so long. So they're at least in their late twenties, right? Then it shows Starfire who Dick Grayson fucked years and years ago and she has the caption you see above: The Teen Titans. What the fuck? Why is Starfire on the Teen Titans? How old was she when Dick Grayson was fucking her?! No wonder Deathstork has such a hard-on for Dick. Hee hee.

Things are so bad that Amanda Waller has initiated Protocol XI. Now you might be thinking that's a play on Task Force X. See, the so-super-smart thing that some writer came up with in the past was that the X wasn't a letter at all but a Roman numeral! Sure, it's been done before like how Weapon X gave rise to Weapon XI. Probably. What? I'm supposed to know everything about Marvel too?! Anyway, that's old hat to think that way. So Snyder probably thought, "I'm going to surprise everybody yet again! They're going to think Amanda is invoking the next step in the evolution of Task Force X! But what they'll forget is that DC Comics doesn't use lowercase letters! So I'll surprise them when I reveal this is Protocol Xi! That's right! It's the fourteenth letter of the Greek alphabet! That means it's fourteen times greater than Protocol Alpha! Sure, nobody has every heard of that but just think! FOURTEEN TIMES GREATER!?!"

Also it could just mean Protocol Extra Large because Amanda is calling in all the extra large, over-the-top cosmic entities to team up with the Justice League to help save the world.

Brainiac has come not to warn Earth of the universe's impending doom but to make sure they know they were the cause. He's practically defeating everybody on Earth single-handed until Superman shows up to punch him in the face and yell, "NERD!" Then he gives him a space wedgie and a Kryptonian swirly (that's where you stick the head of the person in a toilet while the world around you implodes) before Brainiac is all, "I love to suck big dicks! Mmm! Mmm! I can't get enough of them! Are you satisfied?!" Then Superman high fives Cyborg, slaps Wonder Woman in the ass, and then shotguns a Rainier.

Jesus Christ. Does everybody know about the Suicide Squad's ties to the American government?!

After Superman stops humiliating Brainiac long enough for Brainiac to speak, everybody learns that Brainiac wants to save the universe. He needs the help of Earth's mightiest heroes but in teams that the heroes were too unimaginative to think up. Seriously! Can you imagine Batman working with Lobo? Or Beast Boy working with Deathstork? Or Superman working with Martian Manhunter?! Or Zatanna working with Doctor Fate? Or Flash working with Cyborg? Hilarious! It would never happen in normal circumstances! How does Snyder keep coming up with shit like this?!

Brainiac has decided to form teams based on the four cosmic energies that make up all of reality: Entropy, Wonder, Wisdom, and Mystery. I bet James Tynion IV tried to convince Snyder to use Entropy, Wonder, Whipped Cream, and Amyl Nitrate.

It turns out Waller's Protocol XI really is Task Force XI. I forgot that if Snyder thinks it up, it's brand new and exciting! Stupid Penis. You're supposed to get erect when you read Snyder's cool story ideas! Stop letting Brain distract you by pointing out how none of this is actually original or groundbreaking! You're better than that, Penis. Remember how you totally sabotaged Brain in Algebra by constantly getting it to stare at Grace Bamberger?! Remember how you used to rule the roost?! What's happened to you, Penis? You've lost all sense of wonder! You must be team Entropy.

Anyway (I say "Anyway" too much, don't I? I can't help it! It's the only way to segue back into the boring plot bits after going on the entertaining digressions!), Task Force XI is composed of all DC's greatest psychic characters. Amanda is using them to hack Brainiac so that she can be better informed than any other character in the DC Universe. I bet she even learns about Zero Hour! I don't know how she captured all of Earth's psychics. I bet once you catch the first one, the rest are easy! Or maybe she just put up an ad on Craigslist: "Looking for psychic who loves to receive rim jobs. Contact The Wall at Belle Reve Penitentiary. Don't think about how suspicious that sounds. Just think about the awesome rim jobs!" I would reply to that ad if I were psychic!

Brainiac is about to explain his plan to save the universe when his head explodes due to Amanda Waller's probing psychics. So now all the heroes have to go on is that they need to "find four cosmic trees" which each represent one of the four cosmic energies. That will somehow do something that will allow them to whatever. I'm sure they'll figure it out somehow. Like maybe having Batman dangle Amanda Waller off the side of a skyscraper.

Rating: This is the exact type of mediocre crap that Scott Snyder does now. At some point, he decided to stop writing comic books that told innovative stories which revolved around deep flaws in the main character and provided insight into that character's personality. Apparently it was more fun to write over-the-top end of the universe stories that always wind up being exactly the same. "A bunch of heroes form a bunch of different teams to go on quests for metal or trees or some other cosmic MacGuffin. They are defeated but then they rally and they get the thing they were looking for and save the day. But not before something happens to create an epilogue so that a new and worse cosmic disaster can be sold to comic book nerds six months down the road." At least it's fun in the way comic books should be fun. I'm sick to death of continuity nerds who need Batman to not be written by Tom King because Tom King writes smart, fun, and entertaining stories that aren't completely derived from Batman's entry in Who's Who. Fuck those guys!

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Michael Cray #7
By Bryan Hill and N. Steven Harris

I'm so racist. I was just typing in the names of the writer and artist for this comic and I thought, "I wonder if Bryan Hill is black?" So I checked his Twitter and discovered that not only is he black but he's also going to be taking over Detective Comics and throwing Black Lightning into the mix. Goddammit, Bryan Hill! I finally got off my lazy ass to drop Detective Comics because I'm sick of Tynioin IV's name (and maybe his writing as well (but mostly his name)) and now I might have to grab it again? Well, I'm not putting it on my pull list! Not because I think I should give it a probationary period to see how I like it but because I can't bring myself to look my comic book store owner in the eye and say, "Um, can I get, um, Detective Comics back on my pull list?" Not that that's something to be embarrassed about. It's just that it will certainly lead to a longer conversation! And who wants to converse with people?! Fucking Doom Bunny, that's who!

Anybody who has enjoyed my comic book blog over the last seven years should thank Doom Bunny because I was mostly writing directly to him for the first two or three (or maybe four or five or six or seven) years! Although he keeps insisting that "Twat Lobo" was his thing, as if that was the pinnacle of my insulting ability! Didn't he read about the time I called Scott Lobdell's mother's vagina a "reverse wood chipper"? Hmm. That didn't make any sense. Aren't all vaginas reverse wood chippers? I mean the heterosexual ones!

Rating: The art is still terrible. The story is better than the art but not great. I think it peaked when Deathblow killed Aquaman. There's only so far you can go with a comic book whose premise is simply "a super rad '90s Image character kills alternate versions of characters you love to hate!" Especially when that premise gets marched out every few years to creepy fans full of bloodlust. I'm looking at you, younger version of me that loved this comic book so much when he discovered that Green Arrow was going to be killed!

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Kick-Ass #4
By Millar and Romita Jr.

If you read the first Kick-Ass and forgot there was a second one and thought, "I need more of this," I have got some good news for you! We, as human beings, have the ability to reread things! Also you can read this series which is the original joke my lack of impulse control just ruined.

If any serious reviewers out there aren't mentioning how this is just more of the same from Millar then they're either not being honest or they're dumb or they're being paid by Millar (which technically falls into the "not being honest" category but definitely doesn't fall into the "they're dumb" category because I would totally take sweet, sweet Millar bucks to say I'm-not-really-a-writer-but-I-write-reviews things like, "Kick-Ass kicks ass!" or "Hit-Girl is a hit, girl!").

I guess I'm not really honest either but then I'm constantly telling people who won't listen that I'm not really a comic book reviewer either! Also I'm dumb. But I guess those cancel out which is why my reviews are so honest and smart! It's simple math.

Last issue, Mark Millar seeded the plot with one really stupid idea that every reader knew instantly was a built-in crutch for Kick-Ass to get out of the deadly situation she's found herself in: he said the party balloons at the we're-going-to-kill-a-cop party were filled with hydrogen instead of helium. The punk who did it said it was to save money which might be a good plot reason for it but that doesn't explain how much more work it would have been to get hydrogen over helium. Party stores aren't going to have tanks of hydrogen. You have to go to some specialty place that services old timey air balloons and chemistry teachers who are too dumb to make their own hydrogen with tap water. My feeling is some henchman for a drug gang isn't going to be the most ambitious person. Why save a little money on the party when he can probably just skim a few grams of cocaine to sell on the side? Way easier!

Anybody who has ever nearly blown up their chemistry class while trying to make the popping sound of hydrogen being burned understood what was going to happen this issue after the gang member mentioned his money saving party tip. Kick-Ass was going to light the balloons and then probably say, "Oh, the humanity!"

In the ensuing fire, Kick-Ass's brother-in-law is badly burned. Now she has to go to the hospital to watch him die and hope that the bad guys (who will also be there watching him die, probably, because he's like the main bad guy's right-hand man) don't recognize her. Also the bad guys are calling up some guy named Mister Solo who takes care of problems. So she'll have to fight him too. Hopefully the hospital is full of hydrogen balloons so she can make another easy get away.

Rating: It's a Kick-Ass comic book. You know what you're getting.

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Superman Special #1: Escape From Dinosaur Island
By Tomasi, Gleason, Russell, Flynn, Godlewski, Hitch, Andrews, Eltaeb, and Sinclair

Blog sites like Tinyletter and Blogspot have an auto-save feature to ensure that your document is saved every few seconds to make sure that if there's a sudden loss of everything, you can be sure that the one thing not lost is your precious writing. But what they don't have is a means to not save your document immediately after accidentally highlighting a whole paragraph instead of just a word and then hitting the space bar. Because obviously since the text was just changed, the system thinks, "Whoa! Better save that immediately!" Stupid fucking Tinyletter. Now nobody will get to read why this E!TACT Newsletter is probably going to be late! Well, they'll read why it's late. It's because I've been spending most of my free time playing Silvern Castle. But what they won't read because I don't want to rewrite it is my explanation of what that is (which also leads into an explanation of what Wizardry was and what the Apple IIe was and things a high school virgin does in his not-having-sex time) and the story about the confused homeless person who finds my non-existent 'zine but does not have access to Google. That's probably self-explanatory anyway.

The version of me from two weeks ago wasted five dollars on this Superman Special #1 so I guess I should read it even though I got really bored as soon as I read the word "dinosaur."

Now that I read it, I hate me from two weeks ago.

Rating: If a more boring comic book has ever been written, I've probably purchased it and read it and forgotten all about it. Because it was so boring. Which, thankfully, is what will happen with my memories of having read this euthanasia drug in a four color format. I'm not exaggerating when I say I immediately began to fall asleep at my desk after having read this before stumbling to the couch and falling asleep for two hours. So I guess I can now blame having read this comic book for why the E!TACT Newsletter is running late!

Seriously though (although, I really was serious in the last paragraph so I don't know why I'm beginning this paragraph in that manner), I was thoroughly bored. I think the main story about Superman and Jon rescuing Captain Storm from Dinosaur Island was supposed to be some kind of Memorial Day story? Like, lets honor our promise to our vets or something? If it wasn't that (and it barely was that if it was!), I have no idea why the story needed to be told. Perhaps it was just an advertisement for a future Losers comic book?

I was even bored by the Mark Russell story and I'm never bored by his stories! I usually read a Mark Russell story and then write six paragraphs about the veins in my suddenly rigid penis. But this time, I read it and was all, "What happened? Why is my penis inside of me? Is this a vagina?" In the story, Superman rescues an old man from a collapsing building. The old man asks Superman to go back and save his photos. So Superman is all, "Okay. I guess? What else am I going to do?" As he's going back to rescue photos and not making sure everybody on the ground is safe (since, you know, a building is collapsing?), he hears a puppy barking from another unit. He thinks, "Well, I can't save the puppy and the photos in time? What a dilemma!" Although, you know, it's not a dilemma at all! Of course he rescues the puppy. Then when the old guy is all, "But my photos! MY PHOTOS! OH THE HUMANITY!", Superman is all, "Here. Take care of this puppy. Memories are whatever." Then the comic ends and I had to imagine the scene where the original owner of the puppy, a little immigrant girl from Poland who had received the puppy to help her deal with the trauma of moving to a new country where she doesn't speak the language, cries her eyes out because it died in the accident. Superman is a fucking asshole.

I think the message of the final story was this: Superman loves to give people second and third chances but he's wrong to do so because super villains hate him so much that they just can't be rehabilitated, no matter how big of a lesbian Maggie Sawyer is.

* * * * * * * * * *


Poetry Corner with Grunion Guy!

Metaphor

Sometimes when you have something really important to say,
You want to say it as a poem so that it also feels emotional and smart.
But then you need to think of a metaphor for that thing
Or else what you're saying just sounds like prose.

So say I want to talk about bad memories and how they made
You what you are even though they're bad.
Maybe I could say they're a demon and it's inside you!
That might sound scary but it's not! It's just the metaphor!

And I don't want to scare anybody so after I mention the demon inside the reader,
I'd better immediately say what the demon represents!
Then the reader can exhale and think, "Whew! I almost called an exorcist!
"Boy, wouldn't that have been another bad demon inside of me?!"

The exorcist would have been, "Hello? How can I help you?
"I mean, I know how I can help you! I really only do one thing as an exorcist!
"I was just being polite and letting you know that I had answered the phone,
"And that I was ready to listen to you speak!"

Then you, the reader, would have said, "Oh! I was just reading this great poem.
"And it said I had a demon inside of me. But I just happened to read the second line
"As I was waiting for you to answer the phone and now I'm embarrassed
"For having called you over nothing. This is now a bad memory!"

Later, the exorcist would grow really curious and hit star sixty nine.
The reader would pick up the phone and say, "Hello?"
Then the exorcist would say, "Hello. We spoke earlier and you mentioned a poem.
"Do you know where I could get a copy of that poem?"

And from that conversation, word of mouth would spread,
And I would see my book of poems on the list of New York Times Best Sellers.

--Grunion Guy

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Grunion Guy's Musical Corner of Music Reviews!

Everyday by Buddy Holly
This song is from a time when people did not have sex. You can tell by the beat of the song. Nobody could have sex to that. They'd be all, "Bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam a-ay a-ay-ay!" Near the end of the song, somebody begins hitting a glass stirring rod against a bunch of test tubes and beakers for some reason. Probably because they're antsy in their pants about not getting any sex. Another way you can tell this song is old is the way Buddy Holly compares their love to the fastest thing at the time: a roller coaster. We have way faster things now! Like cars and planes. Oops. I probably shouldn't have mentioned planes.
Grade: B.


Machine Ballerina by Suzanne Vega
Suzanna Vega's original draft of this song was called, "What Am I To You? Just Something To Fuck When You're Feeling Horny?!" But her producer was all, "Whoa, whoa, Suzy! Tone it down a bit! That's something that slut Debbie Harry would sing about! People love you for your great songs like Uncle Tom's Cabin and Luke Skywalker!" Then she was all, "Well, I once read a terrific poem about metaphor by a really great writer and I also once heard a Monkees song that was basically about date rape and toys. Maybe I could do something with those influences!" Then she came up with this song and the producer sold "What Am I To You? Just Something To Fuck When You're Feeling Horny?!" to Belinda Carlisle.
Grade: B.


Under the Western Freeway by Grandaddy
The music to this song is exactly what I imagine a tumbleweed hears as it goes about its business in the background of westerns and back roads of Arizona. If you've never heard this song, I imagine you have no idea what that might sound like. But if you have heard this song, you're now thinking, "Holy shit. That's exactly what this sounds like! It also sounds like a kid was told to write a three minute song and came up with fifteen seconds of music that he decided to put on a loop. But that's basically what you said with the tumbleweed thing!" But don't let this review and the subsequent grade lead you to believe that the album this is from (also called Under the Western Freeway) isn't a good album! It's just that Grandaddy must have thought, "What's a good way to make people think this record sucks? How about we do a title track that's more boring than Superman Special #1: Escape From Dinosaur Island?!"
Grade: D+.


Cars Pass in Cold Blood by The Faint
I've had this album for years and never really paid attention to the lyrics of this song so I decided to look them up online right now. I'm more confused about this song than before I knew the lyrics! It felt right listening to this song as Jesus's apostles listened to his parables. I would think, "Oh yeah, Todd! Cars do pass in cold blood! And there really isn't any time for whatever you just said in the line before! Totally get where you're coming from, dude. Rock it out!" But now that I've read the lyrics, I have a feeling Todd was sitting in traffic one day when an ambulance was trying to get by and some business man was trying to get around the traffic and blocked the ambulance and Todd thought, "I wish I had that guy's balls!" Then he wrote a song about it. I wish Jesus were here to explain the parable to me since I obviously have no ability to understand it.
Grade: B+.


己を信じて進むのみ by 手塚理・Vink2
This is from the Slayers (スレイヤーズ) Next soundtrack. It sounds a bit like a marching song. Slayers was a Japanese cartoon about a wizard named Lina Inverse who had small breasts. I'm pretty sure that's important to the narrative since Ghourry and all of the enemies Lina encounters mention it constantly. But it's not one of those Japanese cartoons where you get to see naked people or squids do sexy things to orifices. It's rated whatever rating is the one that doesn't mind the constant talk of small boobs and where another important plot point can be how Lina loses her powers when she's menstruating. I haven't watched the series in a long time because I own it on VHS. I do remember watching it in the '90s one time while on LSD. I was with my not-yet-burned-up friend Bobby Henline (you can Google him if you're curious about that statement (but don't read his poetry or you might begin to think my poem was making fun of his)) and I came up with the classic routine about the VCR remote control. It went something like this, "How come when you hit the play button, it plays the video. And when you hit the pause button, it pauses the video. But you can also hit the pause button to play the video once it's paused? What's up with that?!" Such classic stuff! I also realized how triangles and the number three were at the center of understanding the meaning of the universe but when I sobered up, I couldn't remember how to express it and it didn't seem important anymore anyway.
Grade: C.

* * * * * * * * * *


Letters to Me!

KB Writes: Guess who's been a useless lump of lump? Me! Haven't been writing, though I have been reading your newsletters.

My Reply: I wish I wasn't writing! You know how much Fortnite there is to be played? It's not going to play itself, you know? Stupid obsession with putting my thoughts onto virtual paper! Where has it gotten me? In a place where I've played far less Fortnite than I wanted to!

KB Writes: You said: "We have become a society where the thing you love must somehow remain the thing it was at the moment you began loving it (and you must also be the only one that loves that thing as much as you love that thing because obviously nobody else understands it the way you do (although you hate them for not understanding it the same way. How can they not?! (But then if they said they did, you'd think to yourself, "Pshaw. Poseur.")))."

I think our brains are wired to worry about things, but in a society where most of our worries are more existential than practical, the worry-lobes of our brains make damn sure we have something to worry about. It's like how our immune systems are built to identify invaders from early childhood, but kids growing up in oversanitized households end up with allergies because their immune systems get bored and start identifying peanut butter sandwiches as a deadly threat. In the same way, people who are very very comfortable develop strong opinions about, say, the "Thundercats" reboot. (We Star Trekly types, at least, have been taught to feel a little shame for our obsessions.)

My Reply: This probably makes scientific sense and I'm going to espouse this belief from now on whenever some kid with a peanut allergy wanders by. I'll be all, "KB says you're mom tried to have you killed!" Then I'll shove three Nutter Butters in my mouth and say, through a mouth full of nutty goodness, "Oh man. These are so worth dying for! Want one?" Then he'll probably die from the peanut smell on my breath. Good! He deserved it, probably.

Fun Star Trek fact: my house number growing up was 1701! I never dressed it up as the Starship Enterprise on Halloween though because I was lazy.

KB Continues as if I hadn't rudely cut him off mid-thought: The thing is, there are all sorts of things that need to be done in our world, so if you're bored enough that you can stand in line for "Rick and Morty" giveaways at McDonalds, that's a sign that you should open your eyes and widen your circle. Help somebody with such resources as you have. It's not hard to find people who need help; hell, QKB and I are a little frightened of making new friends because we keep finding people in trouble, and our little life raft often feels like it's a little past capacity already. It's exhausting, but we take at least some comfort in not being the sort of people who would riot because McDonalds didn't make enough Szechuan Sauce.

My Reply: I imagine if I wasn't so narcissistic, I'd point out that I am one of the useless masses. I think we should put people into two groups: those who would actually be useful at rebuilding society after civilization crumbles and those who would just be in the way. I have a feeling the new world wouldn't need somebody standing nearby making fun of the guy setting up the aqueduct because he sewed the leaves on his frock poorly. Also I would be naked because sewing? Ew!

KB Asks: Speaking of, do you have any tofu-cooking tips? I came up with a recipe recently: tofu fried with cinnamon, honey, and cranberries. Tastes like Christmas in a vegan compound.

My Reply: I don't have any tofu cooking tips. Frying it is probably best. Make it nice and crispy and crunchy and add some kind of hot sauce, depending on your taste. This is unhelpful because I don't ever remember the things advertisers want people to remember (I'm terrible at capitalism) but there was...oh! I just remembered so maybe I'm not so bad at it! There was a product called Smart Grounds that I used to use to make tofu tacos. It had the consistency of ground meat. After flavoring it with taco seasoning, you could hardly tell the difference. A little drier than actual beef or turkey but that just means less greasy!

KB Writes: Snagglepuss said: "The purpose of art is subversion. Art is telling the world how it's killing you. How its institutions have failed you. In the end, any culture worth a damn is made by subversives. Because art is what tells the world it needs to change. Power merely redecorates it."

Goddamn Snagglepuss, that's some insight. The pedant in me (possibly Atom Ant) wants to observe that there are other legitimate purposes for art, but probably none are as important as challenging the audience.

My Reply: Yeah, the pedant in you doesn't need to add anything. Snagglepuss was speaking in a particular context to a particular set of freedom crushing bastards. I'm sure, in other settings, he'd have other things to say about art. I just love the sentence "Art is telling the world how it's killing you." Hoo boy.

KB Writes: You wrote: "Anyway, I'm about to read Frankenstein and I think it might cause some feelings in much the same way Snagglepuss has. Did that sound dirty?"

Sorry, no. Mostly I found myself thinking, 'whatever you do, don't read Dracula, or as I call it, "Eastern European Train Schedules: The Novelization".'

My Reply: So I've been reading Frankenstein and so far, Victor has created the monster out of mystery and hard work. But immediately after he's successful, he freaks the fuck out and lets it go on its own. So he didn't mind spending nine months in a sweltering summer apartment full of loose body parts but he can't bear to spend a single second in the presence of a living person. I totally get that.

Later, when Victor once again encounters his creation two years later, Shelley writes, "A flash of lightning illuminated the object, and discovered its shape plainly to me; its gigantic stature, and the deformity of its aspect, more hideous than belongs to humanity, instantly informed me that it was the wretch, the filthy daemon, to whom I had given life. What did he there? Could he be (I shuddered at the conception) the murderer of my brother? No sooner did the idea cross my imagination, than I became convinced of its truth; my teeth chattered, and I was forced to lean against a tree for support. The figure passed me quickly, and I lost it in the gloom. Nothing in human shape could have destroyed that fair child. He was the murderer! I could not doubt it. The mere presence of the idea was an irresistible proof of the fact."

Fucking gorgeous passage. Can we just get teachers to teach this one paragraph? In it, it contains all the psychology of systemic racism and belief in conspiracy theory and conservative debate! "The mere presence of the idea was an irresistible proof of the fact." Fucking hell. Somebody read this to every police officer in America. And then explain it to them, of course!

* * * * * * * * * *

I really wrote too much this week! Later, jerks!

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Superman Annual #4 (June 1992)

All the cool kids are getting Eclipsed.

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Superman Annual #4 (June 1992)
By Dan Vado, Scott Benefiel, Trevor Scott, Albert De Guzman, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti
Edited by Dan Thorsland and Mike Carlin

The Cover!
I'm trying not to focus on Lois Lane's boob but as you can see by the way I began by mentioning Lois Lane's boob, I've already lost the battle. The male gaze more effectively possesses the mind of a man than one of Eclipso's Black Diamonds. At least I'm able to embrace it whereas many angry men want to believe the modern world will crucify them if they acknowledge their own lust and horniness. And judging by Lois's line of sight, she's currently captured by the Female Gaze as she stares straight down Superman's cock outline in his tight spandex Kryptonian briefs. Or is that still the male gaze since a male, Joe Quesada, drew this and thought, "If I were Lois Lane, I'd be thinking about sucking off Superman's steel beam right now." Which is less "horny" and more "gross" because he just drew Lois beating the shit out of Superman and he thinks she's thinking about fucking him right after? No wait. I'm thinking he's thinking that which means I'm more gross than horny. Whoops! Maybe I should stop exposing my true inner self on the Internet by writing pretend comic book reviews? Naw. What else am I going to do with the rest of my life which turned out to be way, way longer than I originally thought it would be. It's like, "Enough already!", amirite?

One more question about the cover which will probably be answered when I read the comic book so just regard most of this as a psychic form of physical masturbation. I'm asking the question for my own pleasure, I mean. "Why is Lois Lane beating up Superman after becoming Eclipsed?" It's been established that after a person is possessed by Eclipso, the God of Vengeance, they must destroy the thing that made them so angry. So what did Superman do to Lois? Not washing dishes, my man? Poor quality control in the bedroom? Did she find his Kryptonian Playboys and the red sun fleshlight in his Fortress of Solitude's Fortress of Solitude (the bathroom)? Boy howdy do I hope these questions are answered in this comic book and that the answer is that last one I suggested!

The Story So Far
Eclipso continues to sit on his moon toilet talking to Valor while his Black Diamonds scattered all over the Earth do all of the work. He doesn't have much more of a plan than "I hope some super heroes get really angry after finding and picking up one of the thousand shards of my original Black Diamond prison!" Currently he has control of Valor, Starman, The Creeper, and maybe Star Sapphire and Hal Jordan? I read that Annual so long ago that I can't remember who was still possessed when it ended.

No.

The Story!
Superman has failed to locate Eclipso because, well, he's not Batman and did Batman do it in Detective Comics? No, he fucking didn't. Although Superman, being able to fly into space and think about flying into space and having the moon be a territory within his reach that he must think about on occasion, should think, "Where would I put my base of operations if I were a being whose entire identity was based around how the moon blocks out the sun?" It's not like it's the most complicated riddle in the world. So instead of searching for Eclipso so he can attack him at the source, Superman flies around Metropolis looking for a couple of Black Diamonds that may or may not be there. Somehow he lucks onto the one person in the city who has a Black Diamond sitting in their pocket. Not because the guy is angry and smashing downtown Metropolis but because he's holding a gun to a woman's head and ranting like a paranoid schizophrenic. Superman doesn't know the guy has a Black Diamond but Bruce Gordon runs up, panting and sweating from his long sprint from Gotham, to tell Superman that the man has a Black Diamond. Bruce Gordon knows because he's got a device that can find Black Diamonds when they're in use or when the plot needs him to know where they are.

Why am I suddenly thinking about my first junior high school crush?

Bruce Gordon believes this man having the Black Diamond was an intricate trap by Eclipso to catch Superman. That's even more paranoid thinking than the guy holding the woman hostage screaming about needing a ship to go into space and fight an alien demon. Mostly because that guy's talking about Eclipso which is actually happening and Bruce Gordon's theory relies on the Black Diamonds having way more control over their own destiny than "being found in a gutter" or whatever. I guess once a person is possessed they become Eclipso on Earth which means he can use them to sort of get Superman's attention and then he can try to shove the Black Diamond up Superman's ass or however he means to possess him. So, okay, now that I've given it a little more thought, maybe Bruce Gordon isn't totally nuts. Also he's the foremost expert on Eclipso so maybe I should be trusting the experts, even if they're a fictional comic book character currently being written by Dan Vado. I should but it's hard. Where did I leave my hammer?

Superman beats up another of Eclipso's manifestations while Bruce Gordon bathes it in sunlight. Afterward, he questions the man who brought the Black Diamond to his city.

There you go! He's on the moon! Go get his ass!

Crater Bay? Was that a popular location in the DC Universe in 1992? Or is this just a city used in this story as a clue to Eclipso's location? Whatever its origin, Lois Lane is on the case! She's off to investigate the strange goings on in Crater Bay. I bet she runs into a bunch of fish looking motherfuckers who drive her insane.

No, wait, she's actually investigating a possible case of corporate corruption and illegal dumping of toxic chemicals. She also outs herself as a white supremacist.

What else could she mean by "one of the last bastions of real America"?

So fucking sick of this "common sense" idea that "the real America" lies in the exact place and time after the indigenous peoples have been run off, killed, and exiled but before the Civil Rights act and brown foreigners began coming to share the American dream. As if rural means anything at all. Or fucking "Heartland". Don't fucking mistake the metaphorical, bullshit meaning of that word for the literal reason it was coined: the area known as the heartland is simply center mass in the country. I wish the ass were thought of as the central component of the human body so we could just start calling the flyover states the Assland. Not that I think the people living there are ass (I mean, sure, some of them (maybe a lot of them!)) but it's better to be the butt of a joke than be raised up on some kind of white supremacist pedestal because of the word heart coinciding with a place where a bunch of dumb people think mostly white people reside. I lived in Lincoln, Nebraska, for a few years and if it weren't for the humidity and the Huskers fans, I might still live there yet. Summer lightning storms? Yes please. Lightning bugs?! Hallelujah! Blizzards that trap you at your married friends' house so that their four year old son could tell you about how, when he was in his mommy's tummy, he wanted to be a girl? Fantastic! His father's look every single day after that as he tried to process it? Priceless!

Lois Lane finds her reception in Crater Bay to be slightly chillier than she's normally received even in places that don't want journalists poking around.

Then why is he fucking running the inn?!

The angry old man is actually Eclipsed Starman in disguise because Starman can apparently change shape which is why Eclipso's so happy to have him. Now this is an obvious Superman trap! I knew trusting the expert was the right thing to do even if I really, really, really, really didn't want to and also because I despise him and his stupid Commissioner Batman name.

Eclipso, pissed off at everything (which is why he wants to destroy everything. He kind of has to because everything is what made him so mad), monologues a little more information about his plans (unless it's not a monologue when you're kind of talking to the alien in a coma and/or trance floating nearby). Crater Bay is the headquarters for his secret possessing Superman headquarters. The people of Crater Bay network with other possessed people around the world to distribute Black Diamonds to where Eclipso can manipulate leaders, heroes, and even the economy (probably. Maybe he doesn't care about money so much). See? The name of the town is a clue to is location! What an idiot. If I lived in a crater on the moon, I would name my Earth city base of operations, Venusville. It's like how my banking password is "IVENEVERSUCKEDADICKBEFORE".

An Eclipso monster confronts Superman, Bruce Gordon, and Mona (and Mona's amazing ass) on the road to Crater Bay and Superman has to smash the creature into a greenhouse that uses solar power to heat the place. It destroys the creature whose soul goes screaming to the moon.

So let me get this straight: any power generated from the sun can destroy Eclipso. Solar Lance toys. A flashlight powered by solar energy. Batteries charged by solar panels. If this is the case, can't anything destroy Eclipso since the source of all power on Earth — all of it! — comes from the sun? Couldn't Superman just smash a tree into Eclipso? Throw coal at him? How many degrees of separation must there be between "direct solar energy" and pretty much anything on Earth before it has no effect on Eclipso? Isn't he just basically safe from, um, rocks?

The fight destroys Gordon's Black Diamond Detector and almost destroys his Solar Flashlight. That just means it broke but he fixed it but it's also probably down to a negligible charge. Superman will probably have to defeat Eclipsed Lois Lane by spunking on her. "Gordon! Mona! Hold Lois down so I can titty fuck her! My semen's loaded with yellow sun juice and a facial seems like just the cure!"

The developer whose wife is being held hostage by Eclipso so that he'll help lure Superman into town spends all night trying to get Lois angry so she'll turn be Eclipsed. He spills two cups of coffee on her and tries to put his hands on her to sop up the spilled beverage but none of it gets her needle moving. No, to get her angry, things have to be personal.

Oh, of course! Condescension's the thing! That's so Lois.

So Superman kills Lois and saves the day. Next annual!

The Ranking!
Okay, maybe Lois Lane wasn't killed. Who can tell? Somebody would have to finish reading this comic book and did you know? It's 60 pages long! DC knows the kind of stupid dumb idiots who read comic books, right? They expect us to read sixty whole pages in one sitting?! Fucking hell. It's just too much. I can't do it. I won't do it! Unless the next page I read expresses how Woke Lois Lane is, I'm just not going to continue and assume she died. Or should I assume she was cured by that facial idea? Hmm. I wonder if I can commission Scott Benefiel to draw that scene so I can staple it into my Annual?

Yield means Yield, you cretin!

Okay fine! I'll finish! I hope Lois goes off on how terrible Reagan was after she's cured!

The story simply ends when the sun rises. Superman does the thing where he distracts the vampires and/or trolls and/or Eclipsos so that they lose track of time and get destroyed by the rising sun. But Mona winds up Eclipsed and hides in the houses in Crater Bay with all the rest of the Eclipsed inhabitants. Superman decides he'll have to come back with some "Marvel"ous help to save the residents later. He still doesn't even contemplate checking out the moon. Maybe he's decided that guy who wasn't actually crazy was crazy in just that one small detail of Eclipso living on the moon?

For some reason, I didn't find this issue as good as Detective Comics Annual #5. Come to think of it, I haven't read any comic book as good as that one. And yet why am I having trouble remembering any of it?

Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea: The Newsletter #62 (Fourth Thursday of January 2026)

E!TACT! #62
Invasion! Book Two: Battleground Earth, Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Superman The Man of Steel Annual #1, and Cerebus #40
By Grunion Guy!


Comic Book Reviews!

Oh fuck this issue had a Globalist agenda!

Invasion! Book Two: Battleground Earth (November 1988)
By Keith Giffen, Bill Mantlo, Todd McFarlane, P. Craig Russell, Al Gordon, Joe Rubenstein, Tom Christopher, Carl Gafford, Agustin Mas, and John Costanza
Edited by Kevin Dooley and Andrew Helfer, of course.

Now hold on! Wait a second! Let me explain! I didn't mean "Globalist" as an antisemitic dog whistle! I meant it as a cat whistle for people who understand that we're all just human beings and we shouldn't be denigrating other people simply because of man made imaginary lines crisscrossing the globe! You know, borders! I'm talking about borders! Globalism should be considered the opposite of Imperialism. We don't want to force our beliefs and way of lives on other people; we want to integrate all of our ways of life so that anything can be experienced, everything available to all. Fuck Gatekeepers and Imperialists and Xenophobes and ICE and Donald Trump and every fucking Republican who somehow thinks there's still a difference between MAGA and conservatism. Oh! Also fuck neo-liberal Democrats who have basically decided they're the new Reagan Conservatives. You know, the ones who think they can steal votes from centrist Republicans without fucking realizing that even so-called moderate Republicans have been so brainrotted by propaganda that they will never consider voting for an awful, terrible Democrat even if those Democrats' values and beliefs basically mirror '80s Republicans. Embrace progressives and the left, you dumbies! There's nothing to gain in the center! FOX News and MAGA propaganda have tainted anything labeled "Democrat" and they'll never fucking vote for you, no matter how many one-off Liz Cheneys you court to your side.

I wonder how many people in 1988 exploded into apoplectic rage when they saw Wonder Woman and Captain Atom raising the flag of the United Nations? Obviously that communist Martian Manhunter would be doing it! And that half-liberal academic Firestorm! What makes me laugh (angry laugh!) is that no matter how rational the reason given by some anti-Globalist jerk, all it ever amounts to is "I hate foreigners but I know I shouldn't say that." I mean, okay, since 2016, they've begun to learn that they can say it. But pretty soon, they're all going to re-learn consequences. I don't have any power to deliver those consequences myself which is why I no longer speak with my father or many friends I grew up with. Because withholding the joy of being my friend is the only power I have over anybody. Mostly because I never wanted power over anyone! Desiring power is a fool's game only played by self-loathing jerks who need constant affirmation from others, even if that affirmation must be coerced. I'm just a smol guy!

The DC Universe's post-Crisis map of Earth was all kinds of fucked up.

Between Invasion! Book One and Invasion! Book Two were a number of crossover issues in DC's monthly titles. In 1988, I couldn't afford to purchase every book with an "INVASION! CROSSOVER!" label across the top. Luckily, the important bits are recapped at the beginning of this issue because DC probably still thought mostly kids were reading their comics in 1988 and not middle-aged losers still living with their parents. Sorry! I meant smart middle-aged people saving a buck who loved their parents dearly and would never trade them for their independence and their virginity.

Apparently during the crossover issues this guy died when Aquaman failed to save him:

"Who's that?" you're probably thinking. That's Celsius. "Who's that?" you're probably thinking.

Also during the crossovers, Superman negotiated a 24 hour ceasefire to give the Earthlings time to round up all the superheroes and offer them up on a silver platter. The Dominators were dumb enough to fall for that ploy because Superman's so honest, I guess? They must have heard he stands for truth so they were all, "Well, we have to believe him then!" But they forgot he also stands for The American Way which is all about lying your ass off to get one over on the next guy and make a shit-ton of money. As for the "shit-ton of money", Max Lord will probably give Superman a huge bonus if this works.

Even with only half of that cake showing, it's fucking mouthwatering.

I should explain for my more prudish readers that by "cake" I meant "Captain Atom's ass."

Captain Atom, being the super general assigned to this war, maps out his strategy: attack the aliens! Batman agrees that's a good strategy but he's afraid too many superheroes suck ass and won't be able to do it. So Amanda Waller steps up and is all, "Well you'll just have to team up with the super villains!" Nobody mentions that most of the super villains suck as well. My suggestion would be to break open the bottled city of Kandor and send six hundred Supermen and Superwomen off to battle the aliens.

Couldn't somebody — anybody! — have shown Todd McFarlane a map of the Earth?

So Chapter Two sees the heroes of Earth break the ceasefire. This isn't dishonorable because their home is under attack and also they're the heroes and also most of them are Americans and that's three categories of people who feel righteous when they use violence so take that, Dominators! In your fucking face which is mostly teeth anyway! The most important part of the battle is when Superman learns the Daxamites are as strong as he is. But also the next most important part is when he realizes they're all losing their powers because of something in the air and he has to save their lives. That was almost six more deaths on Thomas Midgley, Jr's conscious. As if his conscious would even notice a mere six more deaths! The third most important part of Chapter Two is when the Daxamites are all, "Hey, you're pretty noble, Superman! Maybe we're on the wrong side!" That'll probably come back to bite the Dominators in their almost certainly way too toothy asshole.

Chapter Three takes place across the universe where the nerd Dominator has isolated the Meta-Gene. He believes it will make the other Dominators respect him but they won't because he still just has a tiny little red circle on his forehead instead of a massive one. Also there's a fatal flaw in his calculations that won't be exposed for another thirty years or so: the letter "L". Because it's the Metal-Gene and not the Meta-Gene, idiot!

Like every other gene in a person's body, it's found in just a single location. I wonder where the Penis gene is? I bet it's somewhere stupid like between the 3rd and 4th toe on the left foot.

This nerd dominator has invented the Meta-Gene-Bomb that can negate the Meta-Gene rendering all of Earth's super-heroes harmless! Except Superman because he's an alien. And also Batman because he doesn't have a meta-gene. And maybe Blue Beetle but, like, who cares, right?

The Daxamites call home and invite more Daxamites to play. When they arrive, they basically rout what's left of the alien alliance. The Dominators decide to blow up Earth rather than surrender but never get the chance because Boston Brand's been possessing characters right and left throughout this issue, even people just off at the bottom of a panel doing nothing. You could always tell because they had a glowing aura around them. I guess The Spectre allowed him to fight with the heroes because nobody would really notice.

Boston even gets to blow his own brains out at one point.

You would think that was the end of the invasion but there's still one 80 page book left. I guess that nerd Dominator with the Meta-Gene-Bomb is really going to fuck things up all on his own. Too bad all the Dominators with massive red dots are too dead to notice him.

The Ranking
Book Two ends on a high note without any suggestion that more tomfoolery by the Dominators is afoot (other than the back cover). If you were a kid in 1988 who couldn't afford Book Three, it wouldn't matter! The first two books tell a solid tale of a near catastrophic invasion that forced the people of the world to come together to battle their massive squid overlords. I mean the yellow toothy overlords. That squid thing was a big fake that probably didn't allow for world peace to last long because of stupid Rorschach and his stupid diary of stupid and violent observations. What a jerk that guy was! Anyway, that was kind of fun and I didn't mention Wally West's dad sacrificing his life to stop the Durlans because his sacrifice apparently doesn't take and he pops up again later to be a pain in Wally's ass. I think the only other heroes that died were about twenty-eight different Omega Men.

I can't decide which I think is too wide: Superman's thigh, his S-logo, or his face.

Superman: The Man of Steel Annual #1 (1992)
By Chris Wozniak, Robert Loren Fleming, Brad Vancata, Albert de Guzman, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti
Edited by Mike Carlin and Dan Thorsland

In the opening issue of The Darkness Within DC money grab, Eclipso managed to possess Valor when Valor entered into Eclipso's palace on the moon which, we learn, basically means Valor penetrated Eclipso. Valor is inside Eclipso. Valor took his whole body and he slid inside Eclipso's gaping orifice. Before now, Eclipso didn't realize he was powerful enough to possess superheroes. He just thought his abilities allowed him to possess one schlub of a solar scientist named Bruce Gordon (hmm, I wonder how Bob Haney came up with that name? (Oh, look. It explains in the Wikipedia. Excuse me while I have a private chat with Wikipedia: "No duh!" Okay, I'm back)). Now, this wasn't just because Eclipso was hell bent on tormenting Bruce Gordon. No, we have just learned that it was Eclipso's master plan to make sure that Earth never developed decent solar energy. So fucking Eclipso's a Republican? Why am I shocked? Is it because I'm stupid?

Hmm. I should turn comments off before people begin answering that question.

Now that Eclipso possessed Valor in the absolute perfect conditions for him to be able to possess somebody, he thinks he can now just go around possessing anybody. He practices on The Creeper which sounds a lot like practicing on any non-powered Earthling walking around New York. How is that a test of his power? The Creeper? What are his power levels? They might be high in laughing loudly and jumping around like The Human Pubic Louse but not much else. With that test successful, the obvious next person to possess is Superman. See? That's probably the dumbest conclusion Eclipso could have made. He is a Republican.

This issue begins, as you might have guessed being a Superman book, in Metropolis.

Really seems like they're having a go at Gotham here.

Another reason Eclipso shouldn't be going after Superman is because solar power is Eclipso's only weakness and Superman is full of yellow sun juice. He, and I mean this literally, literally cannot be possessed by Eclipso. It wouldn't make any sense! I will get so angry if Superman winds up Eclipsed.

"It's eeeeeviiiiiiil!"

You know what? I didn't understand the ending of Time Bandits. Does the kid just wander around as a houseless orphan after? Does he wind up back in the time burglary game? Does he go on to life with firefighter Sean Connery? And was that the same Sean Connery from earlier having done his own time travel? Was the villain, the ultimate evil, just a burnt meatloaf left in a microwave for too long? Was there supposed to be a sequel?

Am I in a rage now, you might be wondering? Well, yes and no. Superman's face does do the Eclipso thing when he picks up the Black Diamond. But he fights it off and tosses the diamond aside. Superman believes he's testing himself and that he's too good and honorable to have the capacity for vengeance. But I still think it's because he's full of yellow sun, the anti-Eclipso element.

Partway through the book, there's a scene that made the entire issue worth buying. I don't fucking know what's going on in the scene but I'll tell you, the art really moved me. Well parts of me. Okay, one part of me.

I just "eclipsed" my underwear.

I just had to recheck the cover to see if this book was approved by the Comics Code Authority. It was because the guys running the CCA were fucking horny bastards, I guess.

Phantom "Girl" is somebody totally different dude. Also, why do you want to shoot Phantom Lady so badly? Seems weird.

I don't know why Phantom Lady and Starman feature so heavily in this annual because I really didn't read Superman's books in 1992 and, even if I did, this took place in 1992. I mean, I think I know why Phantom Lady was there but that has more to do with Chris Wozniak being a huge pervert than the plot. I suppose Starman was here to get eclipsed since Eclipso needed to get a success in the first annual after The Darkness Within special or else readers would have been thinking, "This is the God of Vengeance? Pathetic!"

Fat Elvis also makes an appearance and he has heat vision for some reason?

The Ranking
I'm glad Eclipso never possessed Superman but I suppose I could have lived with it if he had. The basic reasoning being that Eclipso's powers are based in magic (which readers were reminded of time and time again in this issue, probably to curtail all the letters from super fans which begin "Actually, . . ."). Since Eclipso is the God of Vengeance that means that Gods in the DC Universe derive their powers from magic. I suppose anything that isn't based in science, facts, and reality is just "magic". Although I would have chosen to separate powers of gods from powers of women in fishnet stockings who speak backwards.

Eclipsed Heroes/Villains Count after 2 Issues: Two! (The Creeper and Starman).

Dave Sim could have breezed through 300 issues with just this crew. And yet he did so much more!

Cerebus #40
By Dave Sim

Page One: Sim just sets up the conceit of this issue: Cerebus on the campaign trail. A map displays the names of all the districts along with their electoral votes. A brief blurb from The History of the 1413 Election by Suentus Po, and the title of the issue, "Campaign", hints at the least funny issue of Cerebus on the horizon.

Page Two: Dave Sim, realizing that an idiot reviewer in 2026 was about to call his comic book boring, launches straight into the comedy. Six panels of Cerebus stumping in front of a crowd at the docks. But Sim, being a comedy genius, doesn't allow the reader to hear Cerebus's boring platform. Instead, we sit in the audience, fairly far from the stage, listening to some loudmouth New Docker running his mouth the entire time. He's pretty funny!

Page Three: Dave Sim introduces the reader to Cerebus's campaign trail entourage as they're doing an Aaron Sorkin walk and prep through the rain. Astoria acts as Cerebus's campaign manager. Bran Mak Mufin runs the data from the electorate. The Moon Roach serves as Astoria's personal bodyguard, mostly to keep him out of trouble, while he believes he's serving as her love interest. And the McGrew Brothers are security.

I love Dirty Fleagle and Dirty Drew so much!

Page Four: A bit of slapstick to remind the reader that this comic book isn't just for smart people who understand political maneuvering. Also by now, the reader should notice the pattern that every page is a short sketch because focusing on the actual specifics of a political campaign would put the reader to sleep. Too bad Dave Sim forgot that he didn't want to put the reader to sleep by the time he got to his penultimate story arc! Hoo boy! I'm yawning just thinking about it!

Page Five: The bodyguards eat.

Page Six: We get a glimpse of Astoria's negotiating tactics with one of the prominent members of The Docks. Her tactics might be illegal but who can say in the medieval world of Estarcion? Maybe it's totally fine to offer government contracts to the districts that vote for Cerebus and punish those who don't vote for him with higher import taxes?

Page Seven: We learn that Bran Mak Mufin has other plans for Cerebus. He still believes in the Earth Pig born as the coming Pigt conqueror of the world. He's advising Cerebus on a military campaign to take over the world. You know, once he becomes Prime Minister and has access to Iest's armies.

Page Eight: Cerebus, sharing a bed with Astoria, dreams of the coming Aardvarkian Empire. We also learn that the campaign trail next heads to Grace District where Good Abbey controls all 15 of the district's electoral votes.

Page Nine: Am I going to do this for every page? I mean, I'm already very nearly (only inches away, actually) to the middle of the issue (Sim's issues being 20 pages) so why not, right? "Don't quit!" might be something my father would have instilled in me if he hadn't quit being my father when I was two. Plus, this page was just a visual gag of The Roach replacing a broken wheel on the carriage by holding the axle and running along side. Does all the text from Suentus Po's history of the incident make the gag funny because it shows how history books get shit wrong because we often can't imagine the reality of the situation at the time and project our own mundane and normal thoughts on the event? I mean, probably. Dave Sim was basically a professional joke writer at this point so who am I to say different?

Page Ten: Speculation on Astoria's political and religious beliefs by Suentus Po the Secret Aardvark! Unless this is one of the other Suentus Pos? I know Sim had to retcon the whole identity of Suentus Po at some point to make him one of the three aardvarks of Estarcion because he'd played fast and loose with this drug-addled philosopher slash magician guy. Sim had to do that a lot with characters introduced willy-nilly (will-he, nil-he?) during the first 25 issues when the comic book was ostensibly just a parody of sword and sorcery comic books (while The Roach himself parodied DC and Marvel). Has Kevillism been broached yet? I'd remember if I hadn't stopped reading this series for a year or two or three or . . . or . . . five? Has it been five years?! Anyway, never mind how I'm shaking in disbelief, I'm pretty sure Po has mentioned it some in the "Mind Games" issues. Whether it has or not, Suentus Po speculates on Astoria's connection to the Cirinists here as the campaign tries to get their votes.

I think the context missing from Po's history is actually Astoria's personal connection to the Abbess of Good Abbey and less Astoria's political and religious affiliations.

Page Eleven: Page Ten wasn't funny at all! It stunk of Dave Sim getting too serious. Page Eleven stinks of Dave Sim getting too misogynistic. But I only say that in hindsight, of course. This first page of Cerebus meeting a leading Cirinist sets the tone for a story four "chapters" or so away. The Abbess or "Great Mother" is a caricature of a woman using her power to humiliate men in a reversal of a medieval patriarchy (okay, fine: a modern one too). Also she's very masculine. Remember, Dave Sim learned that he had no interest in women if he didn't want to fuck them. The Abbess is probably how he sees any woman he doesn't find attractive: grating, overbearing, and needing to humiliate.

But ignoring hindsight for a moment and just taking this moment as it comes in context of what's come before: it's pretty funny! And it's a pretty good skewering of absolute power corrupting. The Cirinists may be a technically matriarchal society that worships the mother and her place in society but they're really just a mirror image of the patriarchy. It's just a reversal of the concerns of the people in power.

Page Twelve: Did we know Lord Julius was running a goat as his candidate for Prime Minister before this page? Or do we read it here first and think, "The Abbess must mean 'goat' as a pejorative for his puppet candidate." Unless you've been paying attention and realize running an actual goat against an aardvark is exactly the kind of thing that Lord Julius would do simply to amuse himself. And since everybody just sort of figures Astoria and Cerebus are fucking, they're all going to jump to the same conclusion with Julius and his goat.

The Abbess informs Cerebus that he will have the district's fifteen votes if he dismisses Astoria (with the full knowledge that Cerebus's military advisor, whom she doesn't seem to mind, is Bran Mak Mufin (spelled "Bran Macmufin" on this page while "Bran Mak Mufin" on the page where Cerebus is dreaming. I suppose the dream spelling's probably wrong but if Sim can't even standardize it, I should probably stop beating myself up over how it's spelled every time I want to type it)). Cerebus later tells Astoria what the Abbess says which is why in Suentus Po's history of the time, he notes Astoria wrote in her journal, "The Abbess is unable to aid us." And since Cerebus has abdicated his own agency some time ago, he fails to move toward a future where he rules Estarcion. Could he have still been elected Prime Minister if he dumped Astoria at this point and simply moved on with just Bran? According to Pigt prophecy, probably? Except Cerebus has no ambition so without Astoria, he'd probably lose interest and just disappear into a tavern for a few months with his campaign funds to back him.

Page Thirteen: Dirty Fleagle screams his head off about somebody eating his last dried apricot.

Page Fourteen: Dave forgot to put a joke on this page.

Pages Fifteen to Seventeen: Hmm. I think what happened is that Dave Sim abandoned the one joke per page thing he was doing and forgot to inform me. I guess Astoria manages to secure some more votes in Harbourside for various reasons. But mostly for one main reason.

What's so awful about a goat Prime Minister? I wish we had a goat for president right now.

You know the best thing about a goat? You can sacrifice it! Yes, you're allowed to follow that chain of logic all the way through. I don't mind.

The issue ends with Cerebus gloating about how he's going to be the most loved Prime Minister ever which is when an urchin in the poverty-stricken Lower Iest pelts him with some mud. Man, I'm so envious of that urchin! What I wouldn't give to throw a shit milkshake at Donald Trump!

Sim's letter pages are getting fuller! But his replies aren't worth discussing. Yet! In time, youngster. In time.

Ranking
Some good jokes and more lore. We've got Bran coming in hot with his Pigt prophecies. Cirinists taking an interest in Cerebus while also discovering that he loves his mother more than his father. And, um, Dirty Fleagle likes dried apricots? Yeah, that'll do.

Final Thoughts

Yeesh. I really need to tone down how much I discuss these comics in the Newsletter. These are practically all normal review entries! The whole purposed of the Newsletter is to read a comic book, write about six lines in The Ranking section that have absolutely nothing to do with the book and then move on! I guess I'm out of practice at not doing reviews in my comic book reviews. I thought it would be way easier reading Eclipso annuals! I blame having to scan those pictures of Phantom Lady to share with everybody. I might not have known what great art was before today but Chris Wozniak cleared that right up for me. Wowzers! What a set of arts on that lady!

That's all for now! Later, jerkos!