Batman Eternal #46

Fuck Ra's. He's more boring than Hush.

I'm not in the mood for your shit, Ra's al Ghul. So just say your piece by acting superior, point out to Batman that you're not behind all the bullshit in Gotham but even so, you certainly weren't going to fucking pass up the Wayne Enterprises Fire Sale when you saw all of their corporate assets suddenly listed on richassholes.craigslist.org.

The issue begins with Poison Ivy in her summer greenhouse talking to orchids. Unless that's Harley Quinn's vagina in her hand. No, no. It's definitely an orchid. I don't know why this scene begins the comic book. So that Poison Ivy fans know that Pam made it out of Gotham safely? Or is this just foreshadowing of a big Batman versus Poison Ivy arc in the pages of Batman which will take place after Batman Eternal is over? Poison Ivy isn't even wearing anything sexy. "What use is this scene?" comic book fans everywhere ask their limp dicks and their parched vaginas.
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Judging by the credits page, it looks like Poison Ivy might get more story on pages 7, 8, 17, and 20!

This issue is called "Batman... eternal?" because somebody thinks they're being clever.

Meanwhile, Batman is hunting down Ra's al Ghul because Batman found a bunch of clues. And being the World's Greatest Detective, he sometimes believes that he only ever finds clues and never ever finds red herrings. But I think he's on the wrong track this time. Ra's al Ghul as the big enemy? Pshaw! That's as obvious as finding raccoon turds in the kindergarten sand box.

Watch how you use this word correctly, boys and girls: "He can't mean that literally! Can he?!"

Look, what the fuck do I care? You can all keep on saying stupid shit like "I literally ate a candy bar two hours ago" or "I literally exploded from too much candy." It's literally no skin off my back.

Meanwhile in Blackgate Penitentiary, some inmate tries to pick up Selina Kyle as she passes through by saying, "Are those space pants you're wearing? 'cuz your..." but then he's cut off before he can finish. I assume the end of that line is "Because your ass can't breathe in a vacuum." My favorite pickup line is "Just touch it. Come on. Please."

Selina just ignores him because she has business with her father, Rex "Leo the Lion" Calabrese. But it's boring business so let's move on to Hush and Julia's scene.

Does Julia give Hush fresh bandages every day? Why does he need to keep his face wrapped? Did he cut off his face too?

Back in Pakistan, Ra's al Ghul proves that after living for centuries, the only thing left to say are cliches. So when Batman asks where Ra's al Ghul is, Ra's al Ghul cleverly responds, "Where I am is no longer the question. The question is...when? Ho ho ho hee hee hee. I'm so fucking clever and smarmy and evil." Ra's declares that they are now in Batman's future. So I guess Ra's built a silly funhouse to impress his favorite guest? Animatronic versions of possible future Batmans come sailing into the room on rails while Ra's describes them all for him. "Who will the future Batman be, hmm? Will you be replaced by a monkey bent on vengeance and banana lust? No? Perhaps a wee little teenaged girl with the first actual documented case of penis envy (it's a long story which I've been writing whenever I get a little bit of free time away from world domination)? Perhaps the future you will be my grandson? It will be, right? You're going to do right by that kid and not just abandon him, right! And while we're on the subject of Damian, I've got these cute little boots for him and a scabbard with a demon's head I knitted for him! Do you think he'll like it?"

Once Batman realizes he's just tripping in Ra's al Ghul's Funhouse of Bat-Terror, he notices Mr. Darrk and Lord Death Man have joined him.

I don't know what it is. I'm sure Lord Death Man gets on some people's nerves but I find I never can get enough of him. "Sally Batman"! Oh, that's rich.

Hmm. I think I'm beginning to have an inkling why I can't get enough of him. He's all, "I'm fucking wacky!" And I'm all, "Ha ha! You are, Lord Death Man! You are!"

I wasn't really feeling very good when I began this commentary but Lord Death Man has really picked up my spirits. I'm ready to go out and face the world now! Too bad it's one-thirty in the morning and there's no world to really face. Unless I want to go interact with a bunch of drunks down the street at Mulligan's.

After Batman breaks all of Lord Death Man's breakable body parts, Mister Darrk drags Lord Death Man back to his recuperation room while Ra's al Ghul gets to tell Batman that his detective work has been pretty fucking shoddy. As I pointed out earlier, he's not behind the destruction of Gotham City. If he were involved, at the very least, the Invitations would have been printed with a much fancier font.

He followed the clues! He found them all! Every last clue was his! But alas they were not clues at all. They were the humble red herrings! The humblest fish of them all! And also the detective's worst enemy.

Back in Blackgate, Rex digs up some dirt on the party being thrown in Gotham. Turns out all the local mentally ill ex-residents of Arkham have an angel. Their angel has purchased loads and loads of goodies to help them celebrate with Batman. Poison Ivy is one of them which is why she's cut down her Harley Quinn Vagina Orchids and planted a bunch of Crying Death Mask Lotus Blossoms instead.

Batman Eternal #46 Rating: No change. I was feeling rather shitty before reading this and now I'm feeling slightly less than shitty. The only problem is World's End is next and that knowledge is bringing my mood back down! Would anybody mind if my World's End #20 commentary wound up being a snapshot of it burning in a waste receptacle? I could go the extra mile and just get a picture of me taking a shit on it but I'd need another person to snap that photo and I don't think anybody wants to witness that.

Secret Origins #9

Swamp Thing
The Swamp Thing was created when a drunk frat guy pissed on and then vomited into the Greek House's mascot, a four foot tall Chia Pet lovingly referred to as Hervé Villechaize. The Chia Pet was posted outside the room the frat brothers had dubbed "Fantasy Island." Most of the fantasies that took place in the room were unsatisfying, hazy, and most likely criminal. The morning after the Chia Pet had come to life, neighbors complained of an unbearable stench coming from the house. When none of the members of the frat could be reached, a Hazmat team kicked down the front door to investigate. What they found were the half-decayed bodies of every member of the frat, their bodies propped up against walls and furniture with one arm raised to the sky, the index finger extending from the otherwise closed fist. Across the back wall, smeared in blood and faces, was the phrase, "The Plane."

I'm pretty sure that's how Swamp Thing was first introduced in House of Mystery #171 House of Secrets #92!

The account of how Alec Holland became the Swamp Thing is being written by Gaurev the Sureen based on interviews he conducted with Brother Jonah, The Wolf, and Lady Weeds. So I don't think his account is going to be any more trustworthy than my account!

The beginning of the story won't surprise anybody. Alec Holland was the shining star and number one draft pick for the job of Avatar of the Green which meant The Rot needed to kill him before he posed a threat to their power. This ended in the iconic image of Alec Holland stumbling out of his house, on fire, and face planting into the swamp.

Is that iconic? Maybe I just mean familiar!

After he died, some other Swamp Thing only pretending to be Alec Holland bumbled around during the years before Flashpoint. But then Alec Holland was brought back to life by a White Ring and the Swamp Thing realized he was nothing but a husk pretending to be an avatar and it went off to live on Mars. The Parliament of Trees pursued Alec until he was finally forced to take on the role and become the greatest Swamp Thing that ever existed (if you discount Alan Moore's Swamp Thing who might not actually have been as talented (the Thing! Not the Moore!) but fuck did it leave an impact on the comic book world).

Gaurav ends his biography with some overly emotional pap and that's that. The Swamp Thing's secret origin! That wasn't much of a secret at all, really.

Swamp Thing Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was less of a synopsis and more of a finally! Wait, I think I got that wrong. It was simply exactly what you would have expected. Look in the swamp! It's a plant! It's a compost heap! It's a monster! No, wait! It's a human! Applause.

Power Girl
I'm just guessing that this is Power Girl's origin since it's written by Paul Levitz and it begins with Superman finding a crashed ship with a flying blonde toddler in it! She doesn't have her boob window yet but then she doesn't have boobs either, so I guess it would be useless. This is normally where I try to remember everything I know about the character's secret origin but fuck if I know anything about Power Girl's Preboot origin! I never really did follow the Earth-2 kids. Or were they Earth-1 back then? It's all so confusing!

Clark brings the little girl back to his parents' farmhouse to say, "What the fuck do we do with this?!"

And then she kicked a hole straight through Ma Kent's belly.

Kara eventually gets old enough to move to the big city to live with Clark and Lois. Superman heads to the farm to pick her up, they say their goodbyes to the Kents, and then they fly away, Kara still in her civvies. Haven't any of these people ever heard of binoculars?! They really don't give a shit about secret identities, do they? I suppose Superman's whole "glasses are a good enough disguise" attitude says exactly how much he cares about secret identities. Put a little effort into it, why dontcha?

Oh, also, they don't go to the big city. They go to the deserted island because Clark is a controlling asshat.

"Honey, try to see it from my point of view. I don't need a daughter or a sister. But just remember: I love you, weapon."

Eventually Lois was killed and then Catwoman was killed and then Supergirl found her best friend, Robin. Then the world nearly blew up and Superman and Batman died saving it and Supergirl and Robin found themselves trapped in a raging river in their inflatable raft only to head over a cliff and through a portal into another land.

There they met a furry little guy named Chaka and a whole series of pylons which hid altars filled with gemstones. One of the most powerful was in a cave filled with Sleestak, terrifying lizard-like men with huge claws and big black eyes. Eventually, after lots and lots of experiments and some close calls getting home, they did figure out how to open a portal and head back to Earth-2 to see their world burn.

But before Power Girl left, she gave some of her powers and all of her money to Tanya Spears.

Power Girl Secret Origin Rating: No change. Come on, Secret Origins! Tell me some stuff that hasn't been mostly explained in the issues since The New 52 began! The new stuff about Kara being just a kid at the farm was cute but it just wasn't enough to change the ranking. Now if only they had finally included that Helena/Karen shower scene we've all been clamoring for!

John Stewart, Green Lantern
I don't remember if I ever read the Preboot story about how John Stewart was picked to be a Green Lantern. And I'm not even sure if it's been covered since The New 52 began. So maybe I'm finally going to learn some super exciting stuff that I've never known before! Finding things that I don't already know is super difficult because I know just about everything. It can get pretty boring going through life with an IQ of 28. You never miss nothin'! Or something.

Oh boy! It's another "Earth is super fucking special" story!

I'd better be nice while commenting on this story because it's probably been written by my very best almost Facebook friend in all of the world, Van Jensen. What kind of a name is Van? That sounds like a girl's name!

Oh boy! It's another "Stewart kills his friends when he must kill his friends" story!

The Guardians watching him like that he's able to yell at authority figures and design buildings. He's a lot like one of their favorite earthlings ever, Mike Brady.

John gets a job working for Ferris Air. What a coincidence! That's where lots and lots of Lantern activity takes place! What is Guy Gardner's connection to Ferris Air? Did he pass out in every pilot's bar in the area?

The Guardians crash a Manhunter into one of the runways and it begins strutting around saying, "Where is Green Lantern? Where is the one you call the Lantern Green? Where is the being that is Green and carries a Lantern? Kill all men!"

Oh yeah! I totally forgot they say that all of the time!

The Lantern Ring flies down and says, "John Stewart of Earth. You have the ability to kill your best friends. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps!" And John Stewart is all, "Now we're talking, baby!" John learns that anything he imagines, the ring creates. Luckily the first thing he imagines is a machine gun. If I had been chosen, Carol Ferris's clothes would have instantly flown off in all directions. And I would have been all "Whoops!" because I didn't know it would do that! And Carol would be all, "You knew it would do that!" And I would be all, "What? No way!" And she would have been, "We'll talk about this later in the motel room where you can take my clothes off in private!" And I would be all, "Carol is my centerfold!" And she'd be all, "Piss on the wall!" And I'd be all, "Do you remember when?" And she'd be all, "Angel in Green!" And I'd be all, "Manhunter's stink! Yeah yeah!"

John defeats the Manhunter because "no man" escapes the Manhunters and John isn't a man at all. He's an architect! Then the ring flies him to Oa to be called a Poozer.

See? I should man a psychic hotline. But people can only ask questions that any comic book lover can answer. I'd be awesome!

John Stewart Secret Origin Rating: No change. John didn't even kill any of his best friends! What a let down!

Red Lanterns #34

If only one Red Lantern will survive, I hope it's Dex-Starr.

I don't think I was very successful in my attempt at brevity while doing my Harley Quinn #10 commentary. I'll just have to redouble my efforts with Red Lanterns #34! Or halve my efforts? Whichever one is briefier!

Last issue (which was the Annual because DC heard the fans resounding yell of "More Essential Annuals!" and made it happen. Unless they just hallucinated the fans yelling that which seems more probable actually), a whole mess of Earthlings became Red Lanterns and joined Atrocitus's army. Now Guy Gardner (with the help of Supergirl and a handful of his own Reds) must stop them without killing anybody. I don't think that's going to be possible. He might as well just start out killing for the greater good.

Guy plans on making a last stand on Ysmault while Rankorr, Skallox, and The Shadow Thief (now a Red Lantern as well) hide out on Styge Prime. Is Atrocitus really needed as a main character in Red Lanterns? I mean, I understand he's the whole reason the Red Lanterns exist. But now the team has Guy Gardner! I think it's time for Atrocitus to just lay down and die and let Dex-Starr eat him. Then Dex can kind of hang around Ysmault accepting handouts but not really wanting anybody to touch or look at him too much. Until after a few months of this kind of hard to get lifestyle, he'll eventually allow Bleez or Guy to give him a little scratch behind the ears. But after a few seconds, he'll hiss and run off. It'll take another few months before he begins rubbing on legs and enjoying the company of the other Reds. And then I never have to read another story with that whining, pseudo-philosophical asshole Atrocitus!

Now if this were a Hollywood movie, they'd realize that their irritation of the other's personality was actually love, somehow. Then they'd fuck.

I think that's the plot of all Hollywood romances. Two people are irritated by each other. The two people are too lazy to find somebody that they actually get along with and like. The two people fuck. The two people spend the rest of the movie pretending that they're going to spend the rest of their lives together. The movie ends before either one can come to their senses, leaving the audience believing in true love! Also in the belief that if somebody doesn't like you, you have to just keep bothering them until they finally get naked with you.

Guy Gardner truly thinks Atrocitus is going to slaughter him and Bleez so he gives his last words to John Stewart. His last words are all about making Hal Jordan feel better. I hope you're happy, Hal Jordan! Everything always has to be all about you, doesn't it? Guy should have said, with a smirk, that Hal is to blame for Guy's upcoming death. Let Hal choke on that one for awhile.

Rankorr, Skallox, and Shadow Thief arrive just in time to stop Guy and Bleez from being overwhelmed. If Atrocitus was just about to slaughter two Red Lanterns, why would three Red Lanterns be able to rescue the other two?

Whoops. Make that two Red Lanterns to rescue the other two.

So now Skallox and Zilius Zox are dead. I'm sensing a pattern! Good thing Guy's last name isn't Gardnerox.

Yeah! No fair! He's not Dex-Starrox!

I'm sure Dex-Starr is going to be all right. Charles Soule can't kill a cat. Although he is a lawyer and I've heard lawyers have no souls or hearts or feelings or emotions or anything. I've never met a lawyer in my life so I don't know if there is any truth to the rumors. But I do tend to believe things that I want to believe, so that's really all the veracity I need.

Judge Red, who was probably a lawyer before becoming a Judge, has finally reached a verdict concerning Guy Gardner. I guess this was one of those non-jury trials that are probably decided by back room cash hand outs. Luckily, Guy is judged not guilty. But Judge Red judges herself as guilty and explodes. Fucking lunatic. She also takes all the humans with her. Not to the Realm of the Dead! To the Realm of the Probably Comatose and, Quite Possibly, Worse. Guy gathers them all up so he can figure out a way to get the rings off of them without killing him. I suppose he either has to stick them in the sun or convince Saint Walker to come out of retirement.

And then Guy Gardner battles Atrocitus. Not like a normal comic book where two characters punch each other until the one that punches the best wins. No, Guy battles Atrocitus in a Charles Souleian manner.

What kind of comic books did Charles Soule read that he now thinks this kind of confrontation is acceptable?! Where are all the punches?!

Look. I've read a lot of comic books in my time. I've read a lot of Guy Gardner comic books in my time as well. And there's always been something about Guy that I really love, especially when a writer gets it right and doesn't just portray him as an egotistical asshole that has to be in charge. Charles Soule gets Guy. He gets that Guy wants to do good. He gets that Guy needs approval and it hurts deeply when he doesn't get it. Guy wants to be recognized. That's why the Guardians knew they could manipulate him by promoting him to, what was it, Captain of the Everything or something. Anyway, Guy wants to be the best person he can be but he's got some anger issues that he's never been able to deal with very well. And now when Guy gives up the Red Ring, he's doing it because he knows the ring will choose him again. And seeing the ring choose him again, seeing ten rings choose him because of the anger he has, at the world, at his father, at himself...that fucking hurts to read.

This motherfucker is in some serious emotional pain.

Earlier I made that facetious comment about Guy's last words when I said they were all about Hal. The part of that I liked which I didn't mention because it didn't fit in with my rant about Hal being a jerko was when Guy admitted that he probably wasn't the best Green Lantern simply because he needed to be recognized as the best so badly. Everybody in the DC Universe has daddy issues but I like to see them manifest in intelligent and realistic ways. Like a guy needing his father's love so badly that he becomes the leader of an angry alien police force to prove to some other guy leading another cosmic police force that he can do the job too. It doesn't get more realistic than that.

Anygarden, Guy removes the Red Rings from all the Earthlings and Atrocitus and Dex-Starr and Atrocitus's Reds without anybody dying. He uses the rings to restore the Red Lantern Battery and the Blood Ocean. And then he gives the Red Lantern Corps to Rankorr. As for Guy, he returns to Earth wearing the Red Ring on a chain around his neck. Is it time to be Warrior again?!

Red Lanterns #34 Rating: +2 Ranking. Well, Mogo is getting more prisoners! I wonder if Mogo has any ethical issues with becoming a prison planet for the Green Lanterns. I don't really know what direction this book is going to go after all this. Will it follow Guy Gardner a bit on Earth? Or is it going to become a romance with Rankorr and Bleez honeymooning all over the place while they vomit lava on bad guys' faces? And what's going to become of Shadow Thief?! Or is it Shadow-Thief? Once she takes a dip in the Blood Ocean, she's really going to hate what she's become. But most of all, what is going to happen to Dex-Starr now that he's free of the Red Ring? I hope he becomes Mogo's best friend. Maybe Dex and Mogo will tame each other!

Red Lanterns #33

Did anybody bother to collect all the cover variants so they could build this entire scene?

Guy Gardner and John Stewart are the bestest of friends so I already don't believe this cover. Comic book writers know better than to pit one hero against another hero based on some stupid plot contrivance. Most comic book writers think about how normal people act in their own lives when dealing with friends and family. They realize they can count the number of times they've punched a dear friend in the face on no hands. This leads them to think, "Why would super heroes begin throwing punches every time they disagree when most people work things out through communication?" Then they write their script and go about their lives. Until a few days later when the script arrives back in the mail from their editor with notes all over the place that say, "This issue needs more action! How about making Superman punch Wonder Woman in the vagina on page four? Then Superman can maybe kick Batman in the balls on page five. So the writer goes back to the drawing board and writes a scene where Batman breaks his foot on Wonder Woman's hoo-diddly and is then kicked in half when Superman kicks him in the wobbly bits. A few days later, the script comes back in a manilla envelope with two words written in red pen: "HA" and "HA".

At some point the final script magically appears out of thin air and everybody is happy, even if it includes a short physical fight between heroes due to a misunderstanding. But don't think any writer would ever come up with that! Ridiculous!

See? The interaction between two heroes by a real writer.

Even though Guy Gardner nearly killed Atrocitus when Guy took over the Red Lanterns, he figure he needs help this time. He's probably right since Atrocitus is building an army thanks to all the Red Rings he sent out a number of issues ago. He's probably also going to need help because Skallox is a big doody headed traitor who's busy selling Guy out to Atrocitus!

John is curious as to why Guy became a Red Lantern and even though I already answered this in a previous commmentary, most people would probably rather hear it from Guy Gardner than from me. Basically, Guy has a lot of anger built up at himself and his own choices and he feels like he deserves to be a Red Lantern. You know, just like I've said previously. I've been doing this for nearly three years. When are y'all going to start trusting my judgment?

A-ha! That's why the cover artist mistakenly believed that Guy and John get in a fight this issue!

Skallox runs away from Ysmault to join up with Atrocitus on the new Red Lantern Headquarter Planet of Styge Prime, Skallox's old homeworld. I think I should take back the doody headed traitor line because it's possible Guy has put Skallox up to this mission. Just like he was chosen to infiltrate the Red Lanterns for the Green Lanterns, Guy now may be using Skallox to infiltrate Atrocitus's Red Lanterns. Or I could be completely wrong about everything. It wouldn't be the first time I was completely wrong about everything! The first time was when I decided to live my life the way I'm living it. What have I done?!

Skallox is going to become one of those spies that could be a double, triple, quadruple, or multitupular agent. Speaking of double agents, how come when people are ruining plots to old movies to be funny, nobody ever spoils No Way Out?

Back at the trading post, John Stewart gets in a brawl with some aliens that have a beef with the Green Lanterns. So, you know, he just runs into some non-Green Lantern aliens. Guy Gardner almost misses it while he's in the bathroom. Is Pulp Fiction the only movie that deals with people's fears of missing out on life by using the toilet? I'm pretty sure that was the main theme of the movie.

These Space Ports must have dozens of different bathrooms for all of the alien shaped anuses. Guy just left the one for "vaguely humanoid."

After the brawl, Guy learns that John just can't help him with his war against Atrocitus right now. He's in charge of a bunch of new recruits and he can't let any harm come to 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 or I'll never read another comic book with John Stewart in it again. Besides, Atrocitus only has a small army of maniacal, angry, monstrously disfigured aliens, right?

Rings! Rings! Red Rings for Everybody!

Red Lanterns #33 Rating: No change. Whoops! Looks like Guy and his buddies are seriously fucked! I think need to read the Annual next to find out just how fucked they are!

Red Lanterns #31

Because Guy Gardner gets pants. #YesAllWomen

Judge Red is on the loose and I think she needs a theme song. But the only theme song bouncing around in my head is from What's Happening and it doesn't have any lyrics. And since I can't parody music without being able to change "love" into "drugs" and "you" into "Jew", I'll just have to let the What's Happening? theme song stand on its own as the song playing in my head whenever Judge Red appears on the page. Hopefully you'll enjoy that experience now as well!

In the last issue of Supergirl, Atrocitus and Dex-Starr were about to convince Judge Red that they were the coolest gang in the universe and that the other gang of Reds were total putzes. Supergirl had gone off to fetch her tub of blood in the hopes that a nice long soak would make Judge Red less insane. We now continue with "I am the Law Unless That Title Will Get Us Sued and Then the Story Should Just Be Called 'Law. I Am It.'"

This issue begins with Judge Red judging Atrocitus which Dex-Starr does not care for.

If my cats could make constructs, I'm fairly certain I'd wake with this on my face every morning.

Cats are tiny and fuzzy and adorable and we outweigh them by hundreds of pounds and yet I still laugh every time I see somebody shopping for only cat food at three in the morning. If these fuckers had power rings, humans would be done for.

While Atrocitus thinks telling Judge Red that he made her and thus she owes him everything is a good approach to winning her over, Supergirl informs Guy Gardner that she has a plan. But she doesn't have time to tell Guy the plan because fuck Guy Gardner and his pants. Guy has more material in his upturned collar than Supergirl and Bleez have in their outfits put together! I do like that Supergirl has a mask though because it's adorable. Although Bleez has one to. Why do female Red Lanterns have to hide their faces?

Supergirl's plan is to rip the back storeroom full of Blood Lake Blood out of the Kaalvar Interplanetary Bar and rip it open over Judge Red's head. I know that in previous issues, Red Lanterns were submerged for fairly decent periods of time before they had their sanity restored. I'm not sure how effective raining blood down upon Judge Red's head will be. Or what kind of side effects the blood will have on everybody else it lands on.

Luckily Supergirl will never have to find out how many lives the Blood ruins. The opposite of luckily, Atrocitus now has a bar storeroom full of a substance that he can draw immense power from. Although Judge Red already took a few hits from the blood before Atrocitus began controlling it. So hopefully she's currently becoming sane enough to realize the cute little kitty is more evil than the adorable Kryptonian bum.

As long as Atrocitus can't suddenly make Kryptonite, I think Kara has this.

When Gardner saw Atrocitus controlling the blood, his first suggestion was to retreat. Now when Atrocitus sees Supergirl set fire to the Blood Ocean causing a huge bloody firestorm tornado cyclone swirly thing, his first suggestion is to retreat. These fucking Red Lanterns have got no spines! They can dish the angry holier than thou righteous fury but they can't sit down and enjoy a plate of it served up from somebody else! There must be an easier way to say that.

Look at that! Another person who can't enjoy a three course meal of her favorite dish, Hitting People in the Face.

I wonder what Twat Lobo is up to right now?

Skallox comes through with a little Blood Magic of his own and with the help of holding hands, he puts out the fire and sends the blood back up into the sky and somewhere else. Maybe it's back on board the Kaalvar Bar and Grill. After that disaster is averted, Guy Gardner comes up with a new plan. It's one of Superman's favorite plans.

Batman likes this plan a lot too.

Before Charles Soule can prove he can write a decent fight scene, Atrocitus mentions Rankorr's name and things devolve into conversation. Again! Fuck! Can't this Soule do any real comic book writing? Why doesn't anybody fight in his comic books?! What a hack!

Anyway, Atrocitus offers to trade Rankorr for Judge Red without any fighting at all. And Guy seriously considers negotiating with this monster. But Judge Red interrupts with some sane words. She feels she knows what Atrocitus wants and now she must learn what Gardner wants. So she, of her own volition, chooses to stay with Supergirl's Bum. The Cat and the Teeth decide to take their leave.

At least Rankorr will still be more useful alive than dead after this confrontation.

Guy's next plan is to rescue Rankorr. That's why Rankorr is still useful! As bait for the trap!

Red Lanterns #31 Rating: +2 Ranking. How did this become the best Lantern book?! Although I say that as somebody who has never liked Hal Jordan because he always reminded me of the popular kids in high school that would treat me kindly and not make fun of me at all and just go about living their own lives while not hurting or humiliating anybody else. The self-righteous jerk!

Red Lanterns #30

Dex-Starr should be the most powerful creature in the universe. I can't think of anything I'd want to piss off less than an angry, stray tomcat. And this one vomits lava and has a Red Lantern ring.

I guess everything in my life and everything in the world is perfect because I can't think of anything to bitch about. Hallelujah! Praise Allah/God/Yahweh/Ganeesha/Odin/Zeus/Buddha/Me!

So last issue, Bleez had just face-planted into Ysmault. From orbit. So she's all kinds of fucked up. But she was able to warn the other Red Lanterns that Atrocitus was behind her fall from grace. I mean space. Good thing the Red Lanterns have Supergirl on their team now! Although Guy Gardner has already beaten the shit out of Atrocitus once. Why is everybody so scared? Why is everyone so frightened? Why is every one of them terrified?

To explain why I just typed that last sentence three separate ways would be to describe the last five minutes of my life in excruciatingly boring detail. And since I'm simply not going to assume that everybody (or everyone (or every one of you)) wants to experience the peaks and valleys of my interminable existence, I shall leave it at this paragraph and be done with it.

This issue begins detailing the daily life of the Judge Judy and Burt the Bailiff of the planet Primeen.

This issue begins with Charles Soule writing more legal shit. Doesn't he get that out of his system over in She-Hulk? He's also writing about the incredibly boring legal process in Swamp Thing as well! Hey Charles Soule! Not everybody is interested in the excruciatingly boring details of your legal career! Write about when you were living on the highways of America, getting your money and your meals as a lot lizard! Writing poems on the streets for change in downtowns all across the states! Write about that time you fell in love with an elephant at the Portland Zoo, snuck in after closing, and fucked it in the ass! Only to realize afterward that it was the wrong elephant and the one you loved was watching from twenty feet away with a tear in its eye? No, you'd probably rather write about the legal process that you went through after getting caught banging elephants, right?! Boring!

It turns out that whatever Charles Soule writes about is interesting (as if we all didn't already know that). Judge Sheko realizes, year after year, until she's wrinkled and grey and yellower, that justice means nothing on Primeen. The judge has no power but to judge according to the wealth and power of the accused. Her job is nothing but ritual and tradition devoid of any true justice. Primeen may well have placed a goldfish on the judge's bench and the system would not have been bothered at all. Except that a goldfish can't bang a gavel, so how would anybody know when any case was over?

The King is not happy with this injustice!

Sheko's bailiff isn't as loyal as Burt is to Judge Judy, so instead of shooting the Prince, he turns and shoots Sheko. And that is the end of justice on Primeen! I suppose this story will relate to the Atrocitus getting vengeance on his old partners somewhere down the line. Probably having something to do with this story being called "Judgment Day" or something! Sheko is probably pretty pissed off about all this injustice and shit. But for now, let us return to Ysmault where Bleez eats Jello in her hospital bed.

Bleez wants to go rescue Rankorr but Guy Gardner wants to search for the seven Red Rings and the hosts they may have found. But since Guy Gardner made it clear that the Reds have no leader, Bleez tells Gardner to fuck off. She's going to do what she wants. Seems like a stupid idea to me. Rankorr stayed behind so she'd have a chance to warn the others. But just warning them and then going back to die makes it seem like she hasn't thought this through very well. I think she has a concussion from slamming her face into Ysmault. But then Bleez meets Supergirl and decides to stay and do her nails with her. And by "decides", I mean realizes that she can't get past a Kryptonian since she doesn't happen to have any Kryptonite on her, so she gets back in bed to answer Kara's questions.

But first, a new Red Lantern is born!

Meet your newest Red Lantern, Lantern Judge Judy of Primeen!

Sheko seems pretty coherent for a brand new Red Lantern. Maybe it's because she's older and wiser than most people that attain a Red Ring. Or perhaps it's just that her rage, focused like a laser on righting the wrongs of a terribly unjust legal system, is easily controlled and directed. Personally, I suspect it has something to do with becoming a Red Lantern while submerged in the waters of the Water Court acting much like the Blood Lake on Ysmault. She's granted a kind of clarity that even the other Red Lanterns won't have because she regained her sentience by a different means.

Judge Red Lantern finds everybody in the Water Court guilty and sentences them all to become puddles of blood. Whose team will she wind up on?!

Zilius Zox fixes up the Red Lantern Bar (which is also a ship) so it has the capability to hunt down the seven new Red Lanterns being created. They locate one in Sector 775 and it seems to be one of the most powerful Red Lanterns they've ever encountered. I wonder if they'll refer to her as Judge Red? I'd smell a possible lawsuit forming but I'm sure Charles Soule has taken every precaution under the law to distance himself from the fact that he's just recreated Judge Dredd. Damn it feels good to be a lawya!

The Red Lanterns immediately head out to catch this new Red because they've gotta catch 'em all. They also brought a big vat of blood from the Blood Lake to dunk the new recruit in to make her sane. Looks like they're in for a big surprise! Let's hope none of these Reds are guilty of anything!

As Guy and the others descend on Primeen, Charles Soule, once again, shows just how much violence a comic book needs without wasting six pages on a battle that doesn't fucking matter. He gets the necessary amount out of the way before getting right back to writing. Don't worry! He's new and enjoying the act of writing tons of comic books a month. Pretty soon he'll realize he can make just as much money by writing "five pages of battle" on a script as he does writing five pages of dialogue.

I actually hope that day never comes but, well, I don't trust anybody when it comes to, well, anything, really.

Here, Soule writes Guy Gardner how people should be writing Superman. Why the fuck does Superman constantly get pulled into battles when he's fucking invulnerable? This should be every scene with Superman? Antagonists: "POW POW POW!" Superman, yawning: "Are you done yet?"

Atrocitus and Dex-Starr have only just arrived. They have yet to make contact with Judge Red, so Guy and his gang aren't completely out of the running yet! Next chapter will be the fight to convince Judge Red which team is least guilty.

Red Lanterns #30 Rating: +2 Ranking. How many times do I have to stick my tongue up Charles Soule's ass? This fucker can write. If you see his name on a book, just pick it up because it's good. I'll simply end this with a picture of my boots because as I took a break to go get some iced tea while reading this, I realized I basically wear Red Lantern boots.

You can't see the shoelaces very clearly. The pattern on them is a pink star followed by a skull and crossbones with a little pink bow on the skull.

Red Lanterns #29

The most important part of Kara's new look is the Red Ring which she seems to have left on the bathroom sink. Also, what the fuck is up with the index finger on her right hand? It's probably been broken so many times due to punching people in the face, it's never healed correctly.

Look at that chump Superman! Still trying to control Kara and keep her from making her own choices. Not that wearing the Red Ring was really her choice. But sometimes things happen to people that they didn't choose but they still accept those things. So Superman needs to accept whatever Kara is accepting and lay off. Or maybe he can save her and her mind will be clear of the rage and she'll thank him for forcing his choice on her! It's a tough call! When does interfering with and trying to control a loved one's life actually become help and rescue?

Guy's the man though! Letting her make her own choices and take control of her own life! Sure, his motives might be a bit selfish since his team now has a Kryptonian Red Lantern! But at least he's respecting her life decisions! Even though Kara is possessed by a Red Ring that keeps her rage at a constant heightened state of pure anger, she's obviously still able to make her own rational decisions about what is best for her. I guess if she had a sexually transmitted disease that was slowly driving her insane because spirochetes were digging their way into her brain, Guy would have to respect her choices then too. So when Superman flies up with a Kryptonian syringe yelling something about antibiotics, Guy would have to stop him and say, "Only if she wants the shot, Kal."

Currently it doesn't matter what anybody wants because Zox and Skallox are firing neutron-star-tipped missiles at Kara. For fun.

Le sigh.

After Kara proves she can take a neutron-star-tipped missile to the breadbasket, she joins Skallox and Zox at the Red Lantern Bar. It's an adorably messy place with No Cats signs and a banner that reads "One of Us" on the wall. The weird thing about living in the internet age is knowing that something like "one of us" speaks to far more people than it did before everyone had access to the internet. I generally expect everybody to have seen Freaks at this point but there was a time when it actually was simply a cult classic. Do cult classics even exist anymore? I remember in the early to mid nineties (you know, before the internet really took off and most people were relying on AOL or Prodigy or Whatever), I was steadily making my way through the Cult Classics movies section at a local Hollywood Video. I watched a lot of movies I'd never heard of simply because I hadn't heard of them through word of mouth (the internet before the internet!). Most of those movies are probably now run of the mill flicks that everybody has seen because everybody has now heard of everything thanks to the internet. I'm not putting a judgment on things having a wider audience! That's great. I just find it strange. Now videos go viral and everybody sees them. Back when I was growing up, viral videos were literal VHS tapes that were copied and passed around from person to person. I saw my first footage of a person eating shit out of another person's ass from one of those! I also saw Parker and Stone's "Spirit of Christmas (Jesus vs. Santa)" via VHS tape before it hit the internet and everybody knew about it. In fact, I was surprised one day when one of my auto-responses on a MUSH, "You can't say pigfucker in front of Jesus!", was recognized by another player. That was when I truly realized the internet was changing everything. Information, all of it, was being released from its cage. Now you didn't need to know the right people, or be curious enough to actually get the fuck to a library. You could just sit in front of a screen and soak it all in, following link after link until you're waist deep in information you didn't even know existed just hours ago. Remembering it all is a whole different problem! Just like television is the shitty brother of movies, the internet is the half-assed brother to the library and books. It's tougher to retain data when you don't take a break to reflect and absorb.

Gooble Gobble! Gooble Gobble!

Oh yeah! One last thing I wanted to mention although why do I think I need to mention it since everybody knows about everything already on the internet? Anyway, if you haven't seen the documentary Winnebago Man, I am suggesting it here because it captures quite a bit of that feeling of the time when you had seen a strange bootleg video and then suddenly you run into a complete stranger that has also seen the tape. It just widened your world in such a spectacular way that doesn't really happen anymore. Now when you mention something fascinating you've seen, the main response is "Meh" and "That's fucking old" and "Really? You'd never seen that?" Fucking attitudes, man.

Guy Gardner stops by to ruin the party because he's Big Daddy in this unit. I guess he doesn't respect Kara's decisions as much as I made it seem earlier since he won't allow her to partake in a drink with her new family. He's probably not wrong! Not because she shouldn't be drinking due to her age; she probably shouldn't be drinking because she could destroy the planet if she gets out of control.

Does Ysmault have a yellow sun? Just, you know, wondering.

Kara points out that the Red Lanterns don't have a leader but come on! They all secretly know Guy Gardner is leader! But he's the kind of leader that basically lets them all do their own thing. He still tells them what needs to be done but they don't mind because none of them want to do any of that organizational shit. So Guy needs to figure out what to do with Kara because she's eventually going to attract the attention of Superman and who needs that self-righteous superdick fucking up their sweet deal to rule Sector 2814?

As Skallox points out when he finishes his statement on the next page, the whole planet is filled with lunatics. Although that doesn't really support his argument at all! It supports Zox's! Maybe he should just stay away from the entire place. Go find some other alien that is willing to fuck a creature with the head of a long dead goat.

While Zox and Skallox keep Kara busy (which they were doing in the bar but Guy had to break that sweet deal up), Guy heads to Earth to have a chat with Superman. Superman doesn't quite recognize him with the long hair and the porn stache and, probably, the red suit. So Guy introduces himself as having been on that disaster of a team, Justice League International. Superman is a good guy so he doesn't laugh right in Guy's face.

Charles Soule is pretty adept at these one on one conversations, so I'll just scan it here instead of paraphrasing it poorly with intermittent dick jokes.

It was Clark Kent's own website that broke the news and he's going to blame Barry?! What a dick!

As Kara flies up, the predicted chaos happens. Guy gets shaken down by Superman as Supes tries to figure out how Guy defiled his little cousin. Kara exclaims she's a big girl that can make her own choices. Skallox points out it wasn't really her choice and she's going to be this way forever or she'll die.

Whoops!

Superman tries to fix his cousin the way he's always trying to fix his cousin. This time instead of her fist, she hits him with a cargo ship. It's a nice, cathartic moment for her and she's ready to tell both Guy and Kal why they need to fucking butt out and stop trying to solve her problems. And even when she's right about how they've been treating her, Superman comes right back with the rightest fucking shit to say just like Superman should. He lays it all out. He understands that Kara has wanted him to leave her alone. But he's family and he couldn't just do that. He saw that she is angry and now she's become pure anger while he tried to help her accept what has happened, heal, work through the grief. But Supes also realizes he can't keep pushing himself or his way of doing things on her. She's young and she's not him and she needs to deal with her problems the way she needs to deal with her problems. Superman only has one last thing to say to Guy before leaving Kara in his hands.

How come so many other comic book writers can't write shit like this? Try harder, assholes.

This is a really interesting dynamic between Kara, Kal, and Guy. The entire situation could easily cause any one of these three (or all three) to come out looking like a fucking asshole. But Soule manages to portray them all in a sympathetic light in this confrontation. Superman could easily come off as the worst here. But he's been trying to be a parent to Kara ever since he met her. He's just now worked through all the stages of parental grief and he's finally realizing he can't control Kara nor can he live her life for her. He has to let her go. But he still feels protective of her which is why he reaches out to Guy for assurance that she'll (and everybody she might accidentally harm while angry) be all right.

Kara could easily come off looking like a snotty rebellious brat that's just ignoring any advice given to her by the adults. But we feel the pain and trauma she's been through since issue one of Supergirl. She didn't need Superman telling her to forget things and fit in. She needs to cope with this pain. Perhaps being away from Earth where everything has simply been chaotic and confusing will give her that time. And she'll be with peers instead of people trying to be parents.

And Guy just comes across as the Guy I always love to see rise to the surface. That's the Guy that the Green Lantern Ring chose. He and Kara are a lot alike so he might be the best person in the DC Universe right now for her to be around. Hopefully he'll take her back to Ysmault now and let her have that drink.

Superman mentions once more that Hal's been slagging off the Red Lanterns before he tells them he'll trust them to keep his family safe. And Zilius Zox points out that the Red Lanterns are family. A very angry family with severe acid reflux problems. Then Zilius Zox throws a beer at Superman and yells, "You can take your family and shove it straight up your ass!" Then Superman leaves and the Red Lanterns head back to Ysmault where they find Bleez at the bottom of a crater muttering, "Atrocitus."

Red Lanterns #29 Rating: +3 Ranking. Whereas a lot of writers would have had Guy's confrontation with Superman wind up in a brawl, Soule keeps it to a very nice conversation. Except for the one hit Kara gets in with an ocean liner. But that hit was definitely not gratuitous. Kara has been needing to do that to Kal for a long time. She wasn't about to leave home with any less violence than that. I'm just glad it didn't come to any more. This was as elegant a way as any for Kara to truly join the Red Lanterns and become part of their family. One of us, indeed.

Red Lanterns #28

DC probably believed this book's presentation represents the Yin and the Yang of Hal Jordan and Guy Gardner. But we all know it's really a tastefully rendered display of the two of them 69ing.

I think the biggest blow to childhood innocence is when one learns of the act of 69ing. To learn that two adults shove their faces into the genitals of the other at the same time for a tremendously pleasurable experience has to be a surreal moment in the accumulation of knowledge and experience. And then, of course, the number 69 is ruined for all time, as well as the other representations of the same image such as the Taijitu and the Pisces Fish. The Ouroboros and auto-fellatio are usually discovered later and by then a person's innocence has been so worn away, replaced by the plaster of cynicism, that the biggest reaction one can give is a slight shoulder shrug and a slimy smile.

So Hal Jordan had arrived on Ysmault to discuss the Supergirl Problem with Guy Gardner only to learn that he and Guy had had a misunderstanding previously. Hal promised the Red Lanterns a sector of space to patrol and Guy took Sector 2814. Hal was thinking more like Sector 666 or Sector Let's Fuck Everybody That Lives In The Sector Sector. Although historically, I think having The Red Lanterns patrol your sector couldn't be any more damaging than having the fucking Green Lanterns patrolling your Sector. Anyway, let's see how they talk it out instead of punching it out as I've heard they do from Mr. Spoiler McSpoilerhead the Spoileriest.

But first, the story from Red Lanterns #27 needs to conclude. That was where Zilius Zox was researching the human testicle and Shadow Thief got all offended just like some thin-skinned, no sense of humor, Israeli soldier xenophobe would. I threw the Israeli soldier part in there because Shadow Thief is one and not that I think Israeli soldiers murder at the mention of testicles. I think they're trained to murder at the mention of other words like "Palestinian" and "Iranian" and, in the past, "Egyptian."

Guy Gardner and Ice have arrived to deescalate the situation in a diplomatic way since Guy Gardner wants to touch Ice's butt and she won't let him if he lets his anger control him.

It's not exactly "hate speech," Guy. It's probably more of a reaction to growing up in a country that happens to see a lot of bombings in public areas killing civilians. And those bombings, regardless of the political and social climates surrounding the causes of those bombings, were usually perpetrated by people that looked differently from Shadow Thief and her peers. She's probably just reacting in an extremely unhealthy way to post traumatic stress and she needs help. Also, Guy, how many aliens have you beat the fuck out of simply because they looked like "monsters"? Jerko.

The reason Skallox and Zilius Zox are having trouble defeating the Shadow Thief is because they are stupid. Also part of the problem is that the light energy from their rings dissolves in her shadow power. But what about their lava vomit? Can't they use that? Or does a dunk in the Blood Ocean cure a Red Lantern of their ability to spew hot lava? Guy's plan is to just turn up the lights so that the shadows retreat into only the really scary corners of the room (as well as under the bed and into the closet).

Bom Chikka Bom Bom

I almost forgot that this battle was taking place in France but luckily the Eiffel Tower makes a number of appearances in the background since the small are of Paris around the tower is the only part of France that actually exists in the DC Universe. Shadow Thief's suit is disabled and Ice wraps her up in a frozen cocoon. It's at that point that Soule shows us just how psychologically damaged The Shadow Thief really is.

So her anger is just a manifestation of her own closeted lust for alien boners?

Afterward, Ice doesn't let Guy down easily. She does let him down though. Unless she just isn't interested in dinner. She sort of answers his question about dinner in a weird way. Luckily, as Gardner flies off brokenhearted, he remembers the rest of the conversation where Ice tells him, "You are in no way putting a penis that shoots flaming hot lava into my ice cold lady cave. See me again once Saint Walker has sucked the rage out of you. We'll talk then." Unless she says something different. I think the sentiment is the same. Anyway, Guy and Zox and Skallox leave Earth and head back to Ysmault where they're going to have to deal with Hal Jordan.

Jordan's initial reaction to learning Guy has taken Sector The Sector With Earth In It (2814!) is, "What? But I was going to give you that shitty Sector that Larfleeze is from! You know, the one with the hot Tamaraneans in it? Yeah? Hunh? Think about that! Apparently they love to have sex and forget your name!"

I think my mom dated this guy in the late seventies.

Guy calms down when he realizes a really spectacularly cute butt has been brought to Ysmault. He has no idea who Supergirl is or why she's wearing a Red Ring. As he and Hal try to figure it out, Zox squares off with B'ox. Though there's no sign of a fox in socks or beetles in a bottle having a battle.

Guy does learn that before he showed up, Atrocitus sent out nine Red Rings to make new recruits. So Supergirl is wearing one of those. Guy doesn't know it yet but Atrocitus is also wearing one. So that makes seven other ring wraiths out there doing Chaos knows what.

Face punching time!

"Hi! I'm Supergirl! Pleased as punch to meet you! Ha ha!"

Dammit. I've just scanned two pictures in a row with nothing much to say and now I want to scan another one! Oh sure! You people love it! "Yes! More scans of the actual comic and less of that rambling asshole!" Fuck you!

I love New 52 Supergirl so much.

Meanwhile on the planet Groy, Dex-Starr is displaying his talent for making light constructs now that he's drunk deeply of Rankorr's blood. Just like a cat to take any opportunity to get a taste of a human. Dex-Starr has created a tiger which is a bit like a tiny penis with a Lantern Ring creating an enormous penis to fight its battles for it. Fighting by Dex-Starr's side is a the new Red Lantern, Klarn! She's a giant alien cricket that can suck down light energy and regurgitate it at will. She's a blast at orgies. Rankorr tells Bleez to flee and warn the others that Atrocitus is back while he stays behind to die. Not that he wants to die but he has to keep Atrocitus distracted as Bleez gets away!

Back on Ysmault, Hal and Guy hang out waiting for Supergirl to emerge from the Blood Ocean that they dunked her into. She should be a little more coherent after the dip. Hopefully she'll also finally have learned to stop punching newly-met people in the face.

But before she can appear, Charles Soule kills it with Hal and Guy's conversation.

It's this writing that is why She-Hulk is sitting in my stack of comics.

Finally Kara emerges from the Blood Ocean and tells them her name. Hal recognizes Superman's family name and Guy realizes he's got a huge headache on his hands. At least she's got a really cute bum.

Red Lanterns #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. Charles Soule is fucking killing this book right now. Hopefully people will see how good it is with this special free copy piggybacking on Green Lantern and it'll start selling better. I don't know what its numbers are right now! I just hope they get even better! Charles Soule should write all the books.