Damage #1

How come this isn't a double-splash page? Oh wait.


That's more like it.

The two week old version of myself purchased this comic book because he hates present me. Looking at this piece of defecation he purchased for me, if I had access to a time machine, I would literally go back two weeks ago and murder myself. I don't even care what would happen to the space time continuum.

Somebody more rational than me might be thinking, "Dude. Calm down. Just don't read it." To those rational people, I say, "Fuck you! Who gave you permission to be a hypothetical aside in my mind?! Asshole."

Take a good look at the bottom panel of that fucked up cover idea because it depicts one of my favorite comic book tropes: female protagonists who always look fuckable even when they're critically injured or dead. Is that commentary on the sexism inherent in the art of comic books or have I just discovered that I might be into necrophilia?

Here's my unique take on this comic book that probably no other online review site has come up with: Damage is just the Incredible Hulk! Fuck man. I am so out there with the hot takes. Corporate comic book companies can't pull the obliquely homoerotic spandex over my eyes! That's another one of my hot takes: superhero comics are totally about the gay lifestyle. I should probably do a little more research into the gay lifestyle before I write an essay on that though. Does anybody know any discreet gay bars in Portland?

The inside cover of this comic book is a fraction of a larger poster of one of the New Age of Heroes! comic books. I guess I'm supposed to buy two copies of each of these new books so I can cut one up and sellotape them together to hang on my wall? Who do I ask about decorating advice? Is a taped together comic book poster on the wall of an adult really any worse than a pristine and framed comic book poster on the wall of an adult? I hope the person I'm consulting on decorating also knows something about fashion because I'd like to know if I should own more than just comic book t-shirts.

This issue begins with a classic set-up of the protagonist's motivation.

Most people join the army to defend the United States or to end terrorism or to get away from their mother's new boyfriend. But Ethan just wanted to play dress-up.

How many young people read "Let loose, Ethan," and thought, "That's not even grammatically correct." How many young people just read what I wrote and thought, "What's grammatically?" How many young people never even read what I wrote because reading? Who has time for anything except animated GIFs?!

Ethan is terribly disappointed in his military career. He probably should have looked into the United States military before signing up. I mean, I'm going to look into the gay lifestyle before I jump right in with the belief that they're all going to embrace my ideas based on the gay lifestyle pedestal I've cultivated in my closet. If Ethan were me, he'd probably have signed on to be gay, walked into a gay bar, and started shouting, "Where is all the vagina?!"

What I'm trying to say is, "Why is Ethan so surprised that the military is using him in the way the military wants to use him?" That's what fucking happens, Ethan, when you sign your free will away! Sure, you could decide to not follow orders by refusing to take the experimental serum that turns you into a living monster. But you can't complain when you get a court martial for being a huge whining dick. I mean, you can complain. But nobody is going to care. I know I'm already not caring and I have a feeling you're going to be complaining throughout this entire comic book. "I don't want to be a monster! I want to be good! I want to help the world! I don't want to destroy! I want to build! I want to create! I want to suck all the cocks!"

Whoops. Sorry. That last one was somebody else's desire. Never you mind whose.

Some people might have passed on this book because they have a foot fetish and they noticed Damage's feet weren't depicted on the cover. Well, let me inform you that you made the right choice by passing on this dreck.

I'm on the fence as to whether I think Tony S. Daniel can't draw feet or part of Damage's origin story is that he has terrible looking feet.

Venditti and Daniel are both credited as the "story tellers." I think that's mostly just part of the whole campaign behind this new age of dc heroes. They're really trying to put the artist right up front as the most important aspect of the book. But I have a feeling the two of them weren't the greatest collaborators.

Venditti: "We should open with a loving scene from one of Ethan's earliest memories where maybe his mother went out of her way, at great danger to herself, to help somebody in need. It could run two or three pages and we'll show how much Ethan loves and respects his mother and her peaceful influence on himself and the world around him."
Daniel: "Yeah, yeah. That's all good. But how are you going to hook new readers with that? Does somebody get punched? Or is the mother just in a towel? She's hot, right?"
Venditti: "No, no. She'll just be in a normal weekend getup. Jeans and a cool blouse or something. Anyway, that doesn't matter. This scene will hook the reader with the emotional connection."
Daniel: "I don't see it. How about instead we begin with a double-splash page of Damage falling out of an airplane?"
Venditti: "I don't know. That seems like the kind of thing that can be done in a long panel. It feels like wasted space."
Daniel: "Well, I already drew it. So make sure it's in the script. And don't forget about writing in a nearly naked babe at some point. Anyway, you figure it out. I'm going to go look at feetless anatomy models now."

The plane that was supposed to deliver Damage to wherever the fuck they were going is called Stork-1. Get it?! GET IT?!

Damage escapes which causes some military guy to scream, "Damage is off the leash! He's off the leash!" DC loves to "unleash" its characters. They seem to think it's the most exciting thing that can happen in a super hero comic book. They should all come live in Portland because I don't think I've ever seen a dog on leash here in the last twenty years.

I think I purchased a knock-off dictionary because I can't find "assest" in it anywhere.

I think "assest" is a portmanteau of "asses" and "assets." So the additional "assests" inbound are obviously the Suicide Squad.

Venditti: "Okay, okay. We'll start in the middle of the action. Damage falls into a public space and must be stopped. The military men are all lubing their asses for the public reaming they're about to take for their secret weapon being exposed and released in an American city. But Ethan will still be there inside Damage's mind trying to control the beast. We'll offer a flashback to the time with his mother in his effort to calm Damage down."
Daniel: "I could see that. That's like real writing, right? But could you maybe just make the fight go on for about ten pages and throw in another double-splash page?"
Venditti: "Let me guess. You already drew it."
Daniel: "Well, yeah. I just had this epiphany! I couldn't stop drawing the fight scene! I imagine it begins between Ethan who is a total pacifist loser who was only picked for the job because the military thought his low aggression would be easier to control. But he's battling the high testosterone guy who fucks tons of ladies who is all, 'I should have been Damage! I'm the bad ass who has a hot tattoo of a lady in a towel that you can totally see in the third double-splash page!'"
Venditti: "Fine. Um, you know what. Just go off this script." *Venditti pushes one sheet of paper across the table that reads "Pages 1-14: fight scene."*

"No, no! Don't kill me!" Damage doesn't kill him. "Pussy!"

The Suicide Squad appears on scene to capture Damage. But they're not being called the Suicide Squad nor Task Force X. This is a new and more exciting era of DC Comics! So Daniel and Venditti came up with this classic name for the new way too exciting Suicide Squad: Task Force XL! Ha ha ha! I can't wait for some writer to turn them into a fuck-fighting force and call them Task Force XXX.

Damage #1 Rating: This book was a terrible first issue if you're an actual critic of story telling. But if you're the kind of person who runs a comic book company and you're constantly running around the offices screaming "More action! More splash pages! More art that makes me put my dick in my own mouth!" then you might be proud of this embarrassment. It was a fourteen page action sequence where we learn that Ethan somehow turns into a completely separate creature that he can talk to from wherever Ethan disappears to. You might now be thinking that I don't understand the conceit but I do. I'm just taking it literally as it appears because it's so fucking stupid. Ethan simply turns into a monster and then he talks to himself as if he's a different person. It's basically The Hulk on a leash which is ironic considering DC's penchant for unleashing things. And the appearance of Task Force XL is simply the exclamation point on the entire thing. Except not an exclamation point, exactly. Is there a piece of punctuation that doesn't say "This was exciting!" but says "This was intensely stupid!" You know, an idiocy mark? Hey, civilization. We should invent one. It's super needed right now in the United States and the United Kingdom.

If you enjoyed this critique, maybe you'll enjoy my other thoughts on popular culture via the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Newsletter available at tinyletter.com/GrunionGuy

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #20

Who shrunk Hal Jordan's lower torso?

• Previously on Green Lantern, time travel shenanigans were boring the fuck out of me. You know you're in for some terrible nonsense when Rip Hunter makes an appearance.

• I rarely prefer pre-Modern Age comics but I do miss when time travel stories were used for silly what-if bullshit. Now if there's some kind of time travel, it's always because something went wrong in the future which can only be changed in the present. Hmm. Maybe I've been reading time travel stories wrong. Maybe they're all just morality tales to make young readers aware that their actions have consequences! "See what happens when you don't do your chores? Your great-great-grandson will become a megalomaniac who takes over the entire universe! Good work, lazy!"

• Mogo is currently under attack from Prism Beasts. They're the hench-creatures of Sarko (he's the Cable guy of this time travel story) and they're immune to spectrum light. I think it has to do with their crystalline nature. But you know what beasts made of crystals probably aren't immune to? Bullets! If only Simon Baz's gun were here!

• John Stewart gets readers caught up on the story via a first page that's 80% Narration Box. He also spreads some outrageously inaccurate information.

First, no. Just because you say it, it doesn't make it true. Second, that may have been true at one time. But writers have become so lazy that whenever they need a threat to the Green Lantern Corps, they introduce an antagonist that isn't affected by the Green Lantern light. Its brand has been severely diluted in the modern era.

• Hal Jordan makes sure to put the period on the sentence "The Green Lanterns are fucked" by explaining to John that he's used every construct he can think of and focused all of his will power. Oh, well then! I guess that's that. Game over. Time to put away the pieces and stick it back up on the top shelf of the closet between Going to Jerusalem and Monopoly. I would be a bit skeptical that he tried every construct he could think of except that it's Hal Jordan. He's not exactly fueled by imagination. He probably tried a missile, a gun, a tank, a giant baseball bat, a bulldozer, a giant cat, and a tennis racket. None of them worked!

• After Hal reports that the creatures aren't affected by his ring, John's decision is to use more rings on them. He really does come from a military background, doesn't he?

• I probably don't need this bullet point but I just want to make it clear: John's plan doesn't work.

Sarko really is a major bad guy. Even Lex Luthor doesn't use infanticide metaphors!

• Hal realizes that he's to blame for the Prism Beasts due to his use of Krona's Gauntlet to forge a new Green Lantern ring. He buried the gauntlet on the planet where Sarko currently holds Gorin-sunn and Space Ape hostage. Well, that's an easy enough problem to solve! They've got Rip Hunter, after all. Just go back in time, dig up the gauntlet, and throw it in a nearby sun. If the premise of this story is that time travel can be used willy-nilly to constantly alter an ever-changing and fucking confusing future then maybe use time travel to your benefit! Stop fighting in the present and go back further in the past to fix the terrible present that is happening due to the terrible future that happened because of the current present! Or something.

• The Green Lantern Corps' plan is to battle the beasts to a standstill while Hal and Rip head off to dig up Krona's Gauntlet and keep it off of future Sarko's hand. That's almost the right plan! Use time travel, dum-dums!

• I know, I know. Rip Hunter probably can't time travel right now because he doesn't have the proper equipment. He might have explained it in a past issue but knowing that more time travel would just make the resolution too easy is explanation enough.

• Guy Gardner and Arkillo join the battle too.

Guy is as imaginative as Hal.

• Okay, he's less imaginative. After his giant baseball bat fails, he says, "Welp. I'm out of ideas." Good job, Guy. Good job.

• As Hal and Rip flee Mogo, the Green and Yellow Lanterns remove their rings and surrender to the Prism Beasts. Losers.

• Sarko reveals that his father knew Hal Jordan and Hal Jordan told his father where Krona's Gauntlet was buried. Since Sarko looks like a Korugarian and there are only a few people Hal would trust with that kind of information, Sarko's parents must be Soranik and Kyle Rayner. He's Sinestro's grandson. Who probably exists because Sinestro was too Goddamned lazy to do his chores.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #19

Hal Jordan and His Army of Penises #19.

This is all you need to know to understand the GOP: the only way they could get enough votes to repeal Obamacare was to make the Trumpcare law even worse than their first terrible, incomprehensible version. Fuck all y'all bitches supporting these selfish, evil motherfuckers. Get the fuck off of my blog.

"But the unborn babies of sluts and my guns to protect me from minorities!"

I said get the fuck out of here!

The Review!
Last night I saw Patton Oswalt at the Arlene Shitzberg Auditorium. He asked where there was a comic book store within walking distance of downtown so he could get comic books today. I figured that would mean he wouldn't be stopping in at my local shop, Excalibur, like he usually does. But guess who I saw in there getting his comic books for free?! Wow, you guessed! Good job!

At first I didn't recognize him because I don't look people in the eye and — let's face it — he really was just another fat white guy in a comic book store.

Oh, did I hurt your fat fucking feelings?! Well maybe you should have thought about that before you refused to vote because Bernie wasn't the Democratic nominee, you dumb piece of shit. Get off my blog!

I actually don't mind if people who disagree with me read my blog. But from experience, I've noticed people have no tolerance for being told they're stupid motherfucking idiots.

Okay. Now The Review!
Rip Hunter recently came out of a "rip" in time shouting, "The Green Lanterns are gone! They're gone! How could you have been so stupid?!" So Soranik, being a totally fake fucking doctor, is all, "Get him on a gurney, stat! I need to jerk him off to save him from time dilations!"

Oh yeah! Right there! Time dilations subsiding!

I'm so angry about the direction our country is headed right now that I'm sort of willing to die in a nuclear holocaust just so my last words can be, "I told you, you fucking garbage morons!"

Obviously Soranik can tell the race of an alien by touching its genitalia. She determines Rip Hunter is human and that he likes smooth jazz. I'm assuming that's the only kind of music that comes out of Yellow Light Construct Headphones.

Hal Jordan screams, "Human?!" My guess is Rip is uncircumcised so Hal didn't recognize the massive sea cucumber between his legs. "Where is the little mushroom cap?!" he pondered. Actually, Hal's main concern is that Rip stole the Green Lantern ring from another human. Hal is stupid. We've had decades of comic books detailing just how stupid Hal is. People like to say he's brash or stubborn or pigheaded but he's really just stupid. Do you want some evidence? Everybody now knows Rip Hunter came out of a temporal anomaly (the rings said so!) so there's really no reason to think this human stole this Green Lantern ring from another human. He could be a future Green Lantern, you fucking asshat. I was calling Hal Jordan a fucking asshat but if you thought I was calling you one, just hang on. I'm sure it'll happen sooner or later. Everybody cares about something that I don't give a shit about and sooner or later, I'm going to tear into your favorite thing.

Hal fails to "rip" the ring off Rip Hunter's finger so John steps in and says, "Let me do it, Hal! As you know, the Green Lantern Corps is a despotic, fascist, authoritarian organization which means I have the ability to remove the ring from any fucking piece of shit lantern I deem a fuck up and a waste." He then says the override code and steals Rip Hunter's ring. Fuck the Green Lanterns. Although I bet even these cumsharters have health care coverage through their organization.

"Oh shit! So that's what temporal anomaly means!"

Rip Hunter's message from the future is that time has been corrupted and 2047 isn't the way 2047 is supposed to be. But there's still a chance to fix it here in 2017!

How many fangenders reading this comic book have just scooted out to the edge of their seat and possibly stuck a hand down the front of their pants at this revelation? If you did, get the fuck off my blog! I am tired — oh so very fucking tired — you know, exhausted — with people traveling through time to fix time. Just knock it off! If the 2047 Rip visited is different than the 2047 that Rip expected then Rip needs to realize he's just in one of the infinite numbers of timelines. You don't go back in time to fix the timeline you're not happy with. You sidestep into a different timeline! One where everything is how you expected it to be! Being that there are infinite numbers of timelines, you're always going to have the timeline that needs fixing. Because it exists right next door the timeline you're happy with. It also exists two timelines down from the timeline where women are allowed to walk around topless.

When Rip discovers that it's 2017, he points out that there's still time to fix the future. A few panels later, after only discovering the year, he declares they have one day to save all space and time. Or maybe just the Green Lantern Corps. It's really a toss-up as to which it is since superheroes basically only deal with two kinds of problems in the modern age: save the entire everything or save themselves.

Meanwhile, Space Ape and Gorin-sunn aren't as dead as I expected them to be. They have been thoroughly trounced by Prism Beasts and now must suck the dick of some guy with an evil beard and an alternate timeline Nightwing costume. He says he's from the future and that he's going to mend it all. So I guess he's a good guy like Rip just trying to save time! His name is Sarko because Venditti was having a bad day in the imagination booth when he came up with it.

Sarko gives Space Ape and Gorin-sunn a future lesson. Apparently the Yellow Lanterns will eventually lay down their rings to pick up Green Lantern rings. That makes sense because who wants police who utilize fear to do their jobs? But apparently Sarko doesn't like that the Sinestro Corps have become antiquated symbols of disgrace and failure. So he's kind of like a guy who sews a Confederate Flag onto his jean jacket. He's proud of a heritage he really needs to think twice about.

So Sarko has come from a future that he thinks needs changing and Rip has come from an apparently different future that he thinks needs changing. I mean, I suppose this comic book wants the reader to believe that Sarko has already won and the future has been rewritten simply because Sarko came back in time but since Rip came back in time to fix it, why wasn't the future fixed already? Oh, because time travel stories almost always suck logical dick.

And don't you dare start explaining it to me in the boring, normal way you're supposed to understand it! I know how writers use time travel and the way they think it works! I don't need your fucking Actually Nerd interpretations to set me straight. I'm reporting the way things should be but they never are because writers write the way readers expect! Or something. Just...just...get off my blog!

Sure, that's how time works. But that's just the way time works! Whatever you do now will be the cause of whatever happens in the future. And guess what? You can't change it! You never did anything except react to Rip Hunter coming back from the future. You never had a different present! So the future is and always has been the aftereffects of whatever you choose to do now thanks to Rip coming back from the future and telling you that you need to change the future. Which can't really be changed since it's just a present that hasn't happened yet.

Look, Kyle brings up the perfect movie to understand time travel. In Terminator, there are no time paradoxes. There are no alternate timelines. There are no futures that can be changed by going into the past. What happens in the future happens exactly because the robots sent a robot into the past and the humans sent a human back to stop it. Without that happening, no John Conner. But it happened in order to kill John Conner. That's not a paradox. That's a perfectly knit time quilt. Everything always happens the way they happen. One timeline perfectly in sync. So knock it off with all these people from terrible futures coming to the past to fix things and then having the things fixed. It's fucking stupid bullshit.

Although! These stories have their own internal logic as well. It's just that they matter a whole lot less than you would think. And when you realize how they work, you realize it's all wasted effort. If Rip Hunter traveled to the past from a 2047 that sucked, he didn't wind up in the 2017 of that particular 2047. His arrival caused a split timeline which changes everything and veers off on its own direction. Which means the 2047 that he came back in time to save still exists and still sucks and will never be saved. But at least they don't have to worry about that asshole Rip Hunter anymore! So see? If time travel works this way, why bother going back in time at all? I suppose to save yourself, if you're not a Time Master who just gallivants all over time creating offshoot timelines like so many bastard children. I mean, sure! If I were in a sucky 2017 (which I totally am), I would absolutely go back in time and arrive in a totally new timeline that will change simply because I'm now a part of it. Although I might have to kill my other self if I want to seamlessly fit in. I suppose that would depend on how far back I went. Suddenly trying to be a twelve year old me probably wouldn't fool many people at this point.

The time travel nonsense was over pages ago so I'll stop ranting about it. Eventually, the Prism Beasts descend on Mogo. Hal says to John, "You're a grower, John, but I'm a show-er!" Then he flies off into the sky with his army of penises in an attempt to destroy the Prism Beasts. But as was shown earlier, they're immune to Spectrum Light. So they're like about 95% of everything else in the universe? Immune to the greatest weapon in the universe? And of course the other 5% that is susceptible to Green Lantern light usually get lucky and the rings lose all their charge during the battle.

Unsurprisingly to everyone (and especially to Carol Ferris), Hal's penis army fails at its intended job.

The Ranking!
No change. I'm not sure why I continue to read comic books when a majority of them use common comic book plots that I despise. It's like writers think it's okay to just shorthand every script. "Readers like familiarity! Also it's easy to write a story they've read five hundred times already!" So here we go again. Somebody from the future wants to change the past and somebody else from the future drops by to tell the people of the present, "Hey! There's this future that currently sucks and there's this guy who's the reason for it. You should probably stop him." Then everybody in the present goes, "Okay! Sounds legit!"

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #18

The Green Lantern Corps are cursed to play imaginary keyboards!

Before reading this issue, I have a question about the ending to the last issue. Kyle's white ring separated into seven different rings which all took off to find a new host. One of those rings was an Orange Ring. But there's only one real orange ring, isn't there? Does this mean DC's going to be publishing a Larfleeze civil war type comic book where he goes to battle with whoever winds up with the new orange ring? Or will the orange ring simply rush off to Larfleeze because he's just that greedy? I hope it goes to Scrooge McDuck.

The Review!
This issue begins by reminding me of the main reason I can't stand the concept of the Green Lantern Corps. Gorin-Sunn and Space Ape respond to Gorin's ring's notification that a "universal criminal code statute" is possibly being violated. So they rush off to the scene of the crime to do their police work. I despise the idea that the Green Lantern Corps are simply universal cops on patrol busting people for breaking some mysterious set of laws put in place by who the fuck knows what. I suppose the Guardians? Anyway, I'd rather they simply patrol the universe searching for people or planets in distress that need help. They should be more like EMTs and fire fighters than beat cops. This whole police shtick is way too authoritarian for my liking.

Space Ape and Gorin-Sunn encounter a planet full of willpower and angry, sharp crystalline creatures. The scene shifts after the creatures attack so I'm going to assume Gorin-Sunn and Space Ape are dead now.

Rings don't kill people. Alien freaks wearing rings kill people.

I feel like the Blue Lanterns might take umbrage with calling their rings "guns." I would say the same of the Violet Lanterns but I've heard the Bon Jovi song.

Speaking of the guy with the penis on his head, Saint Walker is sent off to recruit more members to the Blue Lanterns. It's probably poor timing to find any members on Earth.

After a big brawl between the Green and Yellow Lanterns which ends when Guy and Arkillo stumble onto the scene to proclaim that they're Green and Yellow Jesus and they beat each other up so the rest don't have to, Rip Hunter cracks time and stumbles into Salaak's base of operations. He's wearing a Green Lantern ring and he's got a message to get the plot moving: The Green Lanterns have been erased from the future! Wait. Is that against the law? If it's not against the law, the Green Lanterns probably shouldn't investigate it.

The Ranking!
No change! Here is the plot progression of this comic book: Prologue to the plot! Stuff that doesn't matter to the plot but needs to be expressed so that Fangenders don't keep going on and on and on in forums about how the Green Lanterns and Yellow Lanterns are getting along way too eagerly. Lanterns ready to investigate the prologue to the plot to get the plot moving in the way stories usually work. Rip Hunter shits all over everything and yells, "Shortcut to plot! Danger! From the future!" The end.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #17

It's canon: Saint Walker's penis is that thing on his head.

The Review!
In previous issues, Soranik has bragged about being a doctor. Maybe she just said, "I'm a doctor!" But in my book, that's bragging. Whoop-de-do! Look at you, you fancy, responsible adult who's actually making the world a better place (probably!). Even if you just became a doctor for the fat stacks of fat cash, you're still doing more for humanity than somebody boycotting a candle seller whom they never bought candles from anyway. That's actually a poor comparison. Most people are better than that jerk boycotting candles. They're just...you know what? I'm getting away from my original point. Soranik claimed she was a doctor and we all just believed her because why else would she cut open Hal Jordan from sternum to crotch unless she knew what she was doing? I mean, that scene never really made sense, did it? Soranik said she was saving Hal's life but was she really? You only have her word for it! And her word isn't worth much when you see how she treats a patient whose eye has recently popped out of his head.

That should take care of it!

Arkillo lost some fingers previously but those have since grown back (probably due to Rebirth). I'm sure his eye will come back too. As well as all the teeth Guy knocked out. And the prolapsed rectum will probably just slide back into place.

One of the Yellow Lanterns imprisoned by the Green Lantern Corps is a walking uncircumcised penis. I was going to say "sentient" but don't we all accept that penises have minds of their own? They're the most rebellious part of the body. My arms rarely shoot up over my head and refuse to drop back down no matter how much I try to will them to before anybody notices and begins screaming "Pervert!" at me.

The four of the six Lanterns of Earth share a scene together to remind everybody how important Earth is in the grand scheme of things. Look at all the Lanterns that have come from Earth! Two great ones, one marine that constantly gets other Lanterns killed, and a piece of shit slacker. Hal and Kyle take off to share a moment together because everybody needs to be told something that isn't true. Hal tells Kyle he's the best Lantern ever. He isn't. Not even close! But since Hal has now said it, readers have to believe it. It's canon now, motherfucker! Take that continuity and shove it!

Most of the rogue Yellow Lanterns have been captured. But one of the most dangerous seems to have evaded the Corps: Romat-ru.

I suppose this is showing Tomar-tu headed toward the Dark Side by murdering Romat-ru. But I'd rather believe Romat-ru murdered Tomar-tu and took his place because none of the other Lanterns can tell Xudarians apart.

Kyle Rayner's new job is to resurrect all of the dead Blue Lanterns. Bah! Who needs them? The Universe doesn't need a Lantern Corps based on hope! It might as well have one based on prayer. How about a color of light for Getting Up Off of Your Ass and Doing the Hard Work? Oh wait. That's probably the Green Lanterns, right? I guess they need hope to motivate them so the Green Lanterns can think, "I hope I get a raise for all this hard work I'm doing!"

Kyle fails to resurrect the Blue Lantern Corps because the universe has no hope. Or maybe Doctor Manhattan blocked the process for mysterious reasons of his tiny blue penis's own. I wonder if that's why Doctor Manhattan hasn't made an appearance yet. Do they put pants on him? Do they do that comedy thing where his crotch is always blocked by gourds and hoses and baguettes? Maybe they just give him a Barbie doll crotch? These are the tough editorial decisions DC must make in these exciting times!

After Kyle fails, the White Ring shatters into seven differently colored pieces. Six of the rings rush off to find new fingers but the green ring stays so that Kyle can get his old Green Lantern suit back. You know the one. The one that doesn't look anything like a Green Lantern outfit. Even Guy's outfit was more regulation.

The Ranking!
No change! I think in a few issues, Guy and Arkillo are going to fuck. Don't scoff! I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! I have great insight into these things! I also have a stubborn determination to never believe that things I predicted never happened. Remember how Harvest turned out to be Tim Drake after he was bitten by a vampire and lived for one thousand years before returning to the past? That still might happen! I bet Tim Drake's transformation into Harvest will be complete in Doctor Oz's prison. Or maybe that's why Doctor Oz had to imprison him? So that Tim doesn't become Harvest! I bet a week after Tim survived the attack of Jacob Kane's drones, he was bitten by that vampire! So Doctor Oz kidnapped him. That's some good editorial work! Now Harvest has been erased from continuity, right?!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #16

Imagine how many more copies this comic would have sold if the artist had gotten the scene right and put Guy in his Warrior costume.

The Review!
No change. Guy Gardner beats the shit out of Arkillo (and also the eyes and the teeth (but not the fingers. I mean, one finger! But not the fingers that Arkillo suddenly grew back that he didn't used to have)). Arkillo also beats the shit out of Guy Gardner. But Guy wins because he was raised by a man who always beat the shit out of him and called him a disappointment. This issue is basically just about how Guy Gardner's Daddy Issues make him tough. Stupid. I just want him to be tough because he's kind of stupid and stubborn. I guess maybe I'm supposed to feel sympathy for him now?

What about Batman's punch that knocked the bad attitude out of you? Did that punch also knock the memory of itself out of you, Guy?

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #15

Green Lantern dance contest!

How many dance contests have you ever been in? I've been in zero. So I'm not sure why I brought it up. I bet I could have had a really exciting anecdote here if I'd been in a dance competition! Or if I'd remembered to lie about having been in one! I probably would have won first place and did it with the second place winner. Who was a girl, of course! If I'm pretending it, I'm not going to pretend that I had sex with a man. As far as I know, I'm not gay when I'm lying.

Oh, and the woman was so sexy! And she probably was smart and had agency and a great personality and was a skilled silversmith and a bunch of other boring stuff that some people think is more important than how she looked (which was hot, if you remember correctly!). But that stuff isn't important since she was just made up to bolster my reputation as a lady's man who does it with attractive ladies. She wasn't made up in a way that would make me want to have a long-term relationship with her.

That's probably about as long as a review should be if I want to hold people's attention. People don't go on the Internet to invest a lot of time. I mean, they do spend a lot of time on the Internet but they divide that chunk of time (usually all the hours they aren't sleeping, eating, shitting, or doing it to other nerds) into many, many, many small bits. They read a few Tweets because those are manageable and it feels like you've done a lot of things when you get that many opinions from so many different sources at once (sources like ladies and men and feminist birds and some jerk that loves carrots and a few high school friends from Bumfuck, Missouri, who totally worship me for some reason (or at least they did when they were in junior high and probably not as much now that they're banging guys at the high school prom). Then maybe they'll read a bunch of racist opinions from their family members on Facebook and probably type a really scathing reply into the reply box but then leave the page without posting because who wants to get into an argument with an idiot (and, obviously, all racists are idiots. Hell, at this point, all Republicans are idiots. And I don't mean that in a condescending, I'm-so-much-smarter than they are way. I mean it as an easily proven fact. So dumb!)? Then they scroll through Tumblr and Instagram and PornHub for a bit. Who has time to read a well crafted critique of Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #15? Even I don't have time to read it and I'm wasting time writing the stupid thing!

The Review!
In this issue, an intergalactic gang of self-proclaimed police bully the citizens of the universe into doing things their way. The Green Lantern Corps are fascist pricks. Which I totally don't get! This comic book has the perfect set up to make the heroes look like heroes! A planet reports to the Green Lantern Corps that it's being attacked by some warmonger or some Twat Czarnian and the Green Lanterns rush off to save the everybody. But instead, they patrol the universe acting like jackbooted monsters, pulling over planets just because the wrong color alien lives on the planet. Or they pretend they're saving the universe when the universe doesn't really need to be saved, using it as an excuse to extend the reach of their authority.

So the evil Tomar-tu's name is simply the Scooby Doo version of Tomar-tu?

What makes Romat-Ru a serial killer while other people are super villains or galactic threats or Lobo? Is it because he gets a boner when he kills people and doesn't accept money for the job?

Guy Gardner has stolen Space Cabbie's cab to go hunt down somebody. Probably Arkillo, right? I can't believe I remembered that name! Go brain! What are you on? Vitamins or something?

As a Green Lantern, Guy can steal somebody's spaceship without reprisal. It's called commandeering when you're a pretend space police officer. Although he's not on official business, having left his ring behind and gone out in his Guy Gardner Warrior jacket. But he left a note that says, "Thanks for the loaner! Guy." That should totally hold up in court. "If I was stealing it, Judge, would I have called it a loaner? Duh! Idiot."

Meanwhile, Saint Walker has been found. He's the Blue Lantern whose head is a spermatozoa. Now I want to sew up a tiny little Saint Walker costume and jerk off on it. Cosplay!

While trying to rescue Saint Walker, Hal and Kyle fall victim to the Misery Mound. I know what you're thinking but that's sexist so stop thinking it. But they don't fall victim for long because they're so awesome and shit. After whatever just happened, they head back to Mogo with Saint Walker in tow.

Meanwhile, Arkillo responds to Guy Gardner calling him out for a fist fight after school.

The Ranking!
No change.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #14

People relied too much on hoping things would work out. And guess what? Things didn't!

• This issue begins with Guy Gardner catching Space Cabbie. Did I have a stroke? Am I imagining Pre-Crisis comic books that never actually happened but could have happened? My head has been feeling a little weird today but I chalked it up to having eaten too much carrot cake and not enough of the other stuff. You know the stuff. The stuff that grows out of the ground.

• Based on all the hullabaloo surrounding people's diets in this country (this country being the United States of America, if you couldn't tell by my brash confidence, pockets bulging with probably money, and the constant pretension that my cock is huge (have I not been pretensing that? Sometimes, as a United States Citizen, I forget to keep up with the rules and regulations of being a citizen. It's like never visiting tourist attractions in your home town. Anyway, huge. So large. Like, ten centimeters or something (also as a U.S. Citizen, I don't do the metric system so that measurement might be an exaggeration))), I decided to ask Lord Google about modern cases of scurvy. Apparently they still happen on occasion even though some doctor named Churchill in some Slate article has this advice: "You can have a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets a day, and that’ll give you enough vitamin C to keep you from contracting scurvy." I knew McDonald's could be healthy!

• At least that solves the mystery of why I don't have scurvy. I put ketchup on everything!

• Guy Gardner is hunting down rogue Sinestro Corps members. Maybe. I don't fucking know! Just read the stupid comic book if you need to know all of the precise details without any of my embellishments and digressions.

• Hal Jordan and Kyle Rayner embark on their own mission to find Hope. Judging by Kyle Rayner's attitude, he's been performing stand-up at open mic nights across the galaxy. Judging by his jokes, he's terrible at it. He may have mastered fear, love, anger, will, hope, compassion, and the other one but he's worse than a beginner at humor.

• Guy Gardner brings Space Cabbie back to Mogo where he tells them everything he's heard from fares about the rogue Sinestro Corps members. John's plan is to round them up and give them a choice: prison or enslavement. I mean, technically it's not enslavement. He calls it redemption. But the option to go to jail or to work with the Green Lantern Corps to protect the universe isn't much of a choice. How long do they have to spend in the Space Corps before they've been redeemed? Can they retire at that point?

• On a lava planet full of dragons (which might be Ysmault), Kyle and Hal discover Saint Walker being devoured by the Misery Mound.

You'll find artists often cover up a character's feet. Not because they can't draw feet. Feet are easy! What's difficult is drawing the full body of a character at the right size on a comic book page, either because it's easy to misjudge how much room you're using when you start drawing the head or because they don't want to bother with horizon and perspective to get the footing correct. There are absolutely no other reasons!

The Ranking!
No change! I guess it's time to get the Emotional Spectrum Machine up and running again. More colors equals more problems! And more problems equals easier to write stories!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #13

This is the men engaging in the sports variant cover.

The Review!
This story takes place sixty Earth years in the future but on the planet Xudar. If it told us how far into the future it was in Xudar years, the reader would be confused because most of us don't know how to do math. Also we don't have the proper conversion tables. But mostly the math thing. If you can do math, you aren't a real comic book fan. Everybody should have fond memories of reading ROM tucked into their Algebra books while trying to conceal the surprise boner that's come for a visit. Just randomly and not because I have a thing for spaceknights.

Sixty Earth years in the future, the Xudarians all have jet-packs! Luckies! Can you imagine how things would be different if we had jet-packs right now?! Every other case on Judge Judy would be about a jet-pack mishap instead of about an exorbitant phone bill on a phone somebody lent to their "friend."

The stupid story doesn't remain in the future so I guess I won't be seeing any more jet-packs. Instead a big fat old Xudarian tells a story about the past to her stupid needy grandchildren. So instead of just telling a story about Xudar in the present, Venditti decides to tell a story about Xudar in the present except through the perspective of somebody from the future. I guess that's so he can play fast and loose with the truth. That'll teach those continuity-concerned fangenders a thing or two about something or other!

The story is about the attack by Starro that just happened a few issues ago. What a rip-off! I already paid money to read that story! This is fucking stupid. I hate comic books.

The English word you're looking for, Xudarian, is not saliva.

The teller of the tale describes how she, only eleven cycles old (I don't know how many Earth years that is because I can't math, remember? Stop hassling me about it!), first set eyes on the Green Lantern Corps. She looked up in the sky and saw straight up Arisia's skirt. It was a sight to behold! She also saw all of the other Green Lanterns and decided the way to make her story most exciting was to introduce all of them. Or at least the ones that mattered, like the human ones. And I guess the Xudarian one. And the one that says "Poozer!" all of the time because that's hilarious. She never introduces the one that looks like an onion fucked a pair of sweat socks.

The story continues past the defeat of Larfleeze and into territory that hasn't been written yet. At that point, the old lady gets really vague with the details. If I were one of her grandchildren, I would boo the fuck out of her. BOO! HISS! Terrible story telling!

Apparently in the future, the X-men will get their own Lantern Corps. Unless these rings are for the Pornographic Lanterns.

Then the old lady glosses over a huge battle for the fate of existence between all of the Lantern Corps, as if that happening once isn't enough. But at least Dex-Starr makes a guest appearance. He's all, "Boo! Hiss! Terrible story telling!" Then he scratches the shit out of Indigo-1's vagina. It's her own fault for only wearing a skimpy little loincloth. Can't the Indigo Staves create full uniforms?

The old lady Xudarian is all, "Okay! That's enough of my stories!" And her kids are all, "Dafuq?! You barely told a story!" And the old lady is all, "Go to sleep, you bastards."

After the story, the grandmother teaches her kids a lesson. She's all, "All those emotions on the spectrum? Stupid! They're all stupid and dumb. You know which one isn't though? Will! The Green Light! It's so cool. Don't you think it's cool, kids? You should totally think it's cool because it's the best!" Then the kids are all, "Yay! We love will!" So the old lady leaves them and then goes and puts on her Green Lantern ring. Way to brainwash your grandchildren! This is why, if I had had kids (which I didn't because I don't know how to do it), I would never let them anywhere near my mother! She'd ruin them.

The Ranking!
No change! I'd give it a -1 Ranking for barely telling me a story but I'm not always that petty. I sort of liked the story even though I called it fucking stupid and it forced me to declare that I hate comic books. Sometimes I get a little too emotional when I think a comic book company is stealing my money by selling me the same old shit. But this wasn't completely the same old shit. Just mostly!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #12

Ethan Van Sciver draws the worst male crotches.

The one time the GOP have ever used the excuse that they were being inclusive was when they refused to acknowledge the Jewish people were targeted by Hitler's regime. They're like a bunch of stoners who still think they're being sneaky when they refer to 420. We all hear your stupid dog-whistles, you racists.

The Review!
This issue begins with the Green and Yellow Lanterns battling the Orange Lanterns.

I didn't know Guy Gardner's penis was a Green Lantern.

To beat Larfleeze, John orders the Green Lanterns to smash the shit out of Larfleeze's collection. This seems like one of those solutions that's only a solution because the writer is in control of it being a solution. But just based on how Tomar-Tu needs to keep his home city in a green bubble to keep it from growing back to its normal size in the underground chamber, I'd guess that at least a few other bottles have cities in them as well. Not only that, there are horrible aliens in those jars too! Like Starro! And probably some other ones!

Plus at least one terribly written alien!

This isn't the first time one writer has commented on how terrible another writer is. Remember Rotworld? Jeff Lemire made sure that all the evil Rotworld superheroes were those being terribly written by Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco and J.T. Krul and Nathan Edmondson. I agree that it's possible Venditti is simply commenting on what a terrible concept Twat Lobo was, or maybe Hal is suggesting Twat Lobo is too dangerous to be set free. But knowing how writers think, I'm going to assume that this is about how terrible Cullen Bunn wrote Twat Lobo. Just wink at me if I'm write, Bobby!

Larfleeze blames the failure on Brainiac 2.0 and kills him. That simply means Brainiac 2.0 is now an Orange Lantern. I always hoped he'd get some familiar faces on his squad. Maybe he should kill Twat Lobo too!

The Lanterns finish the job and congratulate each other. There's some sappy family garbage between Hal and Tomar-Tu (unless it's Tomar-Re?) before the Yellow Lanterns and the Green Lanterns form a peaceful treaty. And they all lived happily ever after! Again! And finally!

The Ranking!
No change!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #11

Now kiss!

The Review!
This issue begins by telling the story of how Larfleeze began working with Brainiac 2.0. It might be the most boring, unnecessary two pages of flashback in any comic story I've ever read¹. We learn that Brainiac 2.0 was in Larfleeze's junk pile and came back to life when Larfleeze tried to fuck it. They then became best friends due to their shared love of collecting things and being fucked.

I just made the flashback more interesting than it actually was, thus ruining my point about how boring and unnecessary it was.

I suppose if the flashback wasn't added to the comic book, fangenders would forever be wondering how the two of them came to be working together. Nobody would have ever come up with the theory that Larfleeze just collected the collector and they bonded over collecting. That's just too far outside of any imagination ever imagined.

Brainiac 2.0 is me in Junior High.

John Stewart comes up with a plan when he realizes Larfleeze is their real captor. When he thought it was Brainiac 2.0, he was all, "Poo! This is impossible! We're stuck! I've failed again!" And Guy was all, "At least you haven't blown us all up yet, amirite?!" Then John cried. But now he has a plan because he understands Larfleeze's greed, having been raised in America. Hopefully he won't have a flashback to his times in the Marines to explain his plan. Can't he ever remember that he was once an architect too? He's supposed to be a bridge-builder but Cullen Bunn just turned him into military thinker. Those are practically the opposite!

Meanwhile, Hal Jordan explains his vision of heaven to the last two Guardians and Kyle Rayner.

The universe being managed by hard light created through the use of six different emotions (plus willpower) is a totally acceptable theory. But a Green Lantern Heaven?! Get the fuck out!

John's plan seems to be to battle with the Yellow Lanterns until Larfleeze gets so distressed that some of his collectibles might kill each other that he'll try to separate them. Unless his actual plan is just to punch Soranik in the face because why not? Either way, I guess he's using a little bit of both of his pasts. He's using violence like he learned to use in the military. And he's using his architect's brain by realizing a greedy motherfucker who owns a building probably doesn't want that building to fall down.

Larfleeze falls for it and destroys the container before his collection can reduce itself through infighting. All this talk of collecting makes me realize I have less than a week to collect the rest of the Year of the Rooster skins on Overwatch! Why am I reading comic books and not playing video games? Life is so difficult!

Back on Mogo at the center of the universe, Hal Jordan has finally returned to reunite with the Green Lantern Corps. He finds them missing and panics for about three seconds before Mogo lets them know that communication with the Green Lantern Corps has returned and they're busy visiting Okaara. I guess I'll finally get to see how powerful Larfleeze is when he's in a real continuity comic book and not an off-shoot Giffen/DeMatteis universe.

The Ranking!
No change!

____________________________
¹Discounting stories written by Lobdell, DeFalco, Nocenti, Krul, Finch, and Liefeld. Probably a bunch of others I can't remember because my brain is kind.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #10

"I can't wait to fuck you, my dear."

The Review!
Currently, Brainiac 2.0 is cataloging his new additions to his collection.

Meeee-OW!

While Brainiac 2.0 shakes his bottle full of fireflies, Ganthet discusses the resurrection plans for Hal Jordan with Kyle Rayner and my Aunt posts racist memes to Facebook.

My response: "This is vile and disgusting. Do you really want these kinds of ignorant, racist memes to be a representation of who you are?"

Hal Jordan isn't completely dead. He's just mostly dead. The alive part of him is the ring he forged out of pure will. The dead part of him is hanging out with Abin Sur in the Emerald Space. The Emerald Space is the heavenly reward for Green Lanterns who died in battle, if you consider forever wandering a dark space with green fog a "reward."

In the Emerald Space, Hal meets up with a bunch of Lanterns who died a long time ago. I think I recognize Ch'p who was run over by a space truck. And Tomar-Re who was easily replaced by Tomar-Tu and nobody really noticed (so much so that it might be the other way around). And, I think, Jack T. Chance although I don't know how he died. Lobo probably decided he was too derivative of him.

Oh, Katma Tui is also there although I barely remember her. The most I can remember is her last name is Tui and only after Hal called her Katma. I bet she's seen Hal's penis.

Abin Sur tells Hal that he must bring hope back to the universe. I guess he needs to find that sperm-headed guy, Saint Walker. After Hal gets his quest, he's pulled out of the afterlife by Kyle. They hug it out which totally means, in those get-ups, that they felt their penises touch.

Meanwhile, the Grand Collector turns out to be Larfleeze. Who would have guessed?! Probably a huge Green Lantern fan, really. I mean, I didn't guess. I even saw Larfleeze on the cover of the next issue and I didn't make the connection!

The Ranking!
No change! It looks like it's time to reform the Green Lantern Mythological Universe! The Green Lantern Corps are back, the Sinestro Corps have settled down, the Guardians have returned, Kyle Rayner is back from helping? Not helping? the Omega Men, smeghead Saint Walker is on his way back, and Larfleeze has returned from the silly world of Giffen and DeMatteis. Everything's coming up Lanterns!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #9

How am I supposed to stick to my pledge of seriousness when this is the fucking cover?!

Remember Convergence? It wasn't that long ago and it was terrible. It was awful. It was barely readable. Well it's back! The Green Lantern Corps have been placed inside yet another one of Brainiac's containers. At least this time they probably won't have to deal with DC's unresolved continuity issues. DC Comics really needs some serious therapy to figure out why they feel the need to constantly reboot their universe. Stop trying to make the perfect universe that makes absolute sense! Let shit get crazy and stupid. If at a later date you want to ignore some embarrassing hero somebody created, just fucking start ignoring it! There's no shame in taking control of your universe however you want. You don't owe the way-too-serious fangenders any answers! Stop trying to outguess the issues you think they're going to have with every move you make and just write interesting stories! Convergence sucked because it was an explanation masquerading as storytelling. It was a sloppy paint job on a car without an engine! You know what would have been better than Convergence? Just telling the writers to write whatever stories they want based on whatever continuity they wanted. Just open up the entire universe and let their imaginations run wild! Except for Scott Lobdell's imagination. You should probably put three or four editors on him and make sure they're telling him exactly what to write.

Humanoids with fins on their heads? Star fish conquerors? I never thought I'd say this but this looks like a job for Aquaman!

While the Green Lantern Corps and what's left of the Sinestro Corps are trapped in one of Brainiac's bottled worlds, Hal Jordan finds himself trapped in Emerald Space with Abin Sur. Is Emerald Space where Green Lanterns go to die? I don't think I'm going to get the answer to that question this issue (although if the question has already been answered in the past, I'm sure my secret source of Green Lantern knowledge will know it).

Back on Xudar, John Stewart realizes that the Starro spores must be in some kind of telepathic communication with Starro so he orders Green Lantern Rot Lop Fan to disrupt the communication. Rot Lop Fan does this by chanting his own terrible version of the Green Lantern Oath. "In loudest din or hush profound, my ears catch evil's slightest sound. Let those who toll out evil's knell, beware my power--the F-Sharp Bell!" I feel humiliated and depressed just retyping that! Rot Lop Fan doesn't even wear a Green Lantern Ring on his uniform; he's got a green bell. Who is this jerk and what makes him so special and completely annoying?

Rot Lop's F-Sharp Bell kills all of Starro's spores and saves the Xudarians. He also notices that the barrier is actually some kind of glass. That causes John to realize what's happened to them: they've been captured by Brainiac. Hopefully, seeing as how this is Rebirth, he doesn't remember Convergence and Futures End or else he might just kill himself rather than go through those bullshit stories a second time.

Back on Nok, Ganthet has summoned Kyle Rayner to save Hal Jordan's life. Hal is currently in the Emerald Space which seems to be inside his ring, or the green light of will in the emotional spectrum (which is, you know, in the ring!). So the White Lantern will bring Hal Jordan back to life. But Sinestro will have to find his own means of resurrection because you know there's no way he's going to stay dead!

The Ranking!
No change! Is it just me or do two books per month feel exactly like one book per month just spread out across forty pages?! Maybe it's just me and my need to rush through as many of these comic books as possible to put some kind of fucking dent in my comic book backlog! I'll get to really digressing and saying "fuck" a lot as soon as I get caught up and can take the time to do one comic book per day without falling into a reading deficit!

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #8

I thought about calling this "A Corpse and the Green Lantern Corps," but I don't think Hal Jordan's corpse will make an appearance. So I'll just leave it as is.

I've got a busy week doing like one whole planned thing every day this week, so I'm going to do some reviews that are really light on the words and heavy on the scans. And also there won't be many scans!

Don't you hate people who go on and on about how busy they are all the time? Don't you just want to slap them with a dick? I know I just said how busy I would be this week! But I don't say that all of the time. Usually I'm not busy at all! I hate to do things that are planned in advance because they completely ruin the day they're planned for and sometimes the day before as well. Today was Medical Errands Day! It wasn't a big deal so I won't go into detail. Tomorrow I have to go see Rogue One and have a pizza dinner with my father and sister. Ugh! So much work! The day after that, I have to go to a birthday dinner for a guy who is easier to describe as a stranger than my Non-Certified Spouse's Father's Wife's Son! But after that, I'm going to do Karaoke with the Non-Certified Spouse and her sister. I'm actually looking forward to that! Friday, a guest is coming by the house to bake cookies and talk about conspiracy theories and how I'm probably an unthinking idiot who listens to the Lamestream media simply because I think Ayn Rand was a twat. Thankfully it won't be too exhausting because we generally know better than to bring up topics that could lead to me calling the guest crazy. Again. Then Saturday is probably Christmas Eve Dinner with some family member. Whatever. And Sunday it's back to work! As you can see, there is no time at all in there to schedule reading comic books, even if most of those activities don't take up the whole day. They do, however, take up all of my energy reserves for the day!

Error?! Like Hal Jordan is too good for death? Just go fucking find a replacement already, you stupid ring!

Instead of looking for a replacement for Hal Jordan, the ring rushes off to find Hal himself. I suppose this is the ring Hal made. I can see him programming it to look for himself after he dies instead of a replacement. Because who does Hal think could replace Hal? Fucking nobody, bitches!

Ethan Van Sciver's art is terrible. But that's just my opinion! Take it for what's it's worth, and what it's worth is coming from somebody whose aesthetic is utility. You should see the shitty computer bag I use to carry my books and/or laptop around when I go to sit in a coffee shop in my moth-eaten t-shirts and worn out jeans! My aunt (who has less taste than I do!) gave the black bag to me with my initials embroidered on the front in white thread. So it's a clunky, visually unpleasing mess with JAG emblazoned on the front. I'm so fucking cool! Sometimes when I see a person glance at it, I think, "I wonder if they realize the JAG on this bag is the same JAG with the top score on Galaga down at the Retrocade?"

The Green Lantern Corps face their first major emergency before Mogo can even get settled into the only place in the universe that, I suppose, doesn't expand or orbit anything else? Is that how the center of the universe works? I mean in the DC Universe! In our universe, wherever the observer is observing is the center! So all of those dark thoughts you have late at night where you picture yourself as the mover and shaker of everything and the only important cog to the whole fucking system? That's pretty much true. Especially when you realize that there is no difference between your death and the death of the universe. When you stop observing it, it actually stops existing. I mean, from your perspective! Which is now non-existent. Or something.

The emergency? Starro is attacking Tomar-Re's home! But since Tomar-Re is dead, Starro isn't attacking anything and doesn't exist! Too bad Starro is also attacking Tomar-Tu's homeworld and Tomar-Tu is still alive to perceive Starro which means disaster for Xudar (that's the name of the planet he's from!).

It's canon! Starro is ace! What? I do too know what I'm talking about!

Starro begins flinging its spores all over Xudar. It's totally disgusting. It's like my bedroom when I was fifteen.

Soranik arrives with her Yellow Lanterns to help defeat Starro even though John was all, "You listen to me, woman! You stay behind with your filthy animal friends!" But now Soranik is all, "Look at my tits! LOOK AT THEM! I AM POWERFUL!" She also continues to call the Yellow Lanterns "The Sinestro Corps" which seems a bit like calling the post-World-War-II German people "Hitlerites." Sinestro is dead and gone and was a cancer to the universe. Why would you continue to call your army by his name?!

Starro disappears because it gets bottled by Brainiac 2.0 who is now into collecting species instead of dying worlds. But he's not doing it for himself. He seems to be working for somebody called The Grand Collector. Is he selling DC characters to Marvel? Anyway, Brainiac 2.0 also bottles the Green and Yellow Lanterns. These stupid Lanterns keep getting cut off from their universe! They're the worst fascist, militarized police force in the history of fascist, militarized police forces.

The epilogue consists of Ganthet and Sayd being visited by Hal Jordan's ring and realizing that their time of exile has ended, whatever that means. I guess the less things change, the less things change. The fucking Guardians are coming back. Whee. I'm so excited.

The Rating!
No change. Hal Jordan became pure will to destroy Sinestro. Does that mean Sinestro became pure fear? And now they're zipping around in space as abstract ideas until something can give them form once again? Something like a Guardian of the Universe? Or, in Sinestro's case, a Pensioner of Qwaard?

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #7

Sinestro pulls off a negligibly sexy Butt/Boobs Showcase.

What's the proper way to express that a woman is sexually attracted to another person? It isn't by yelling "GOOOSH!" really loudly, is it? I'm, um, asking for a friend.

Sinestro couldn't defeat the Lanterns when they were powerless against anything yellow. What makes him think he can stop them now? Oh right! Pride and his huge Korugarian cock.

This issue begins in a way that I used to define as "Lobdelling it." The first page is full of Narration Boxes reminding the reader who the main character is and what his motivations might be. In Superboy's case, it was that he was created to be a living weapon. In Hal Jordan's case, it's because he watched his father throw his life away to the military to test planes that probably weren't going to fly straight. I think I'm supposed to turn the page with the feeling that Hal Jordan has overcome some serious hardships to find his true calling. But all I'm thinking is, "This guy needs some serious validation because of his Daddy Issues."

Lobdelled first pages always feel like a starter method for writers who aren't sure how to get back into the story after however they ended it the previous month. It's like I have to see their writing exercises to get their mojo-soaked juices flowing again. In Lobdell's case, it usually just means the next few pages are going to completely alter the previous issue's last few pages. I suppose in Venditti's case, he's just trying to set up some thematic elements that will reflect on Jordan's relationship with Sinestro. About 75% of that relationship is comparing cock sizes. That's why I mentioned Sinestro's cock earlier! It's an important aspect in his constant fuckfighting with Hal Jordan.

GOOOSH!

I suspect when I turn the page, I'm going to read ten pages of light construct battles where Hal makes a giant green bowling ball to deflect the giant yellow pins Sinestro sends at him. And then Hal will launch a huge green shuttlecock at Sinestro who will whip it back at Hal with a large yellow racket. Then Hal will create a giant green version of Sinestro and Sinestro will create a giant yellow version of Hal Jordan and I'll become too confused to keep masturbating to the fuckfight.

While this is going on, Lyssa is probably rubbing her engorged lady parts all over Guy Gardner's throbbing mandeal.

While that is going on, John Stewart is leading the Green Lantern Corps into battle.

I'd prefer a leader whose pre-speech battle doesn't strongly imply that we're all going to die.

For completists who read the first scanned panel and thought, "But how does Sinestro finish that statement?!", that second scanned panel is for you!

Hal Jordan's first move against Sinestro is to point out Sinestro's record against Hal Jordan. It's something like five billion to zero. Although I can see why Sinestro might think it's more like five billion to five billion since he'd see every battle they'd ever had in terms of how he beat Hal at first (one win!) but then Hal always came back to ultimately win the day (one loss!). I know that's how I track all of the women I've ever slept with. "Excuse me, would you like to go on a date that will obviously eventually lead to sex?" (One sexual partner!) "No." (Um, still one sexual partner, as far as my bros are concerned!) This is probably why the term "talked" has become synonymous with sex. Because a lot of guys are constantly striking out but they don't want to go into the details of the no sex, seeing as how that would shatter the illusion that they had sex!

The actual first move, in regards to light constructs, is this: Hal Jordan shoots a bunch of dildos at Sinestro while he creates a clawed receptacle to catch them. I think that sums up their relationship fairly well. This double splash page could also just have been Hal with his pants around his ankles pounding Sinestro in the ass while Sinestro cries tears of joy and mutters, "My greatest friend! My worst enemy!"

Sinestro points out that Hal Jordan might be the most stubborn man in the universe but he's really not that bright when it comes to tactics and strategy and crossword puzzles. But Hal Jordan is way ahead of Sinestro this time because Hal knows that too! That's why he didn't come up with the current plan to bring down Sinestro! That plan was thought up by the real greatest Green Lantern of all time! Guy Gardner! No wait. He's currently having the most painful and scariest sex ever with Lyssa. The person who came up with the plan probably has huge Daddy Issues that need to be resolved. So that would be...well shit. That could be anybody in the DC Universe. Oh! But it will probably be thematic to this story! So, um, what's her name! Sinestro's daughter! Soranik!

Soranik is busy freeing Guy Gardner and the other prisoners of the Fear Engine so it can be dismantled and Sinestro's power will drop from 1000% to the normal 100% that doesn't do any good against Hal Jordan's willpower. Soranik knocks out Lyssa and, somehow, none of Lyssa's sexy parts fall out of her negligible costume when she falls over. Darn.

Soranik, Guy, and all the prisoners flee the planet as Hal Jordan decides to crash and burn. I mean, he calls it a blaze of glory and a triumphant defeat but he spent all that time reminding readers about his dad's death and how he knew he would one day go out the same way. Hal turns himself into a Willpower Bomb and blows himself up, taking Warworld, Sinestro, and Lyssa with him. As Sinestro dies, he yells, "Lyssa, you idiot! Why didn't you tell me this was going to happen?!" Lyssa dies shrugging.

John and his army arrive just in time to see Warworld blow up. Good job, Green Lantern Corps! After that, Soranik, Guy, and all of the Yellow Lanterns who finally decided they didn't care about fighting at the side of a maniac who killed anybody who disappointed him. I guess the Green Lanterns have some new, and particularly horrible looking, new recruits? Maybe the Yellow Lanterns will become Guy's battalion. I mean, they already have a leader in Soranik but who fucking cares about Soranik?! She can be the female character that's entirely capable of being the hero but takes a back seat to the guy. A literal Guy this time!

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking. I can't not raise the ranking of a comic book that just killed Hal Jordan and Sinestro, right?! I mean, I'm sure they weren't vaporized (although Sinestro had a skeletal hand just before the end, to demonstrate the raw power generated by Hal). They've probably been converted to light energy or something. I mean, Hal Jordan is still in the title of the comic book! This isn't "The Green Lantern Corps and Memories of Hal Jordan!"

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #6

Hal Jordan pulls off a negligibly sexy Butt/Boobs Showcase.

I considered trying to be more earnest while discussing the comic books I read because does the world really need another cynical voice to add to the cacophony? Sure, my cynical voice is the best cynical voice when it comes to comic books and putting your penis inside of things (that's a different blog! A secret blog!). Although it's a written cynical voice so technically, in this day and age, it isn't even better than even the most boring voice posting YouTube videos about the stupid comic books somebody jerked off on earlier in the day. Plus, whenever I see anybody raving about how awesome a terrible or mediocre comic book was, I involuntary start making the international sign for jerking off. Sometimes with both hands. I realize that too many earnest voices want to somehow ingratiate themselves into the professional comic book community by putting up videos where they show the comic book they read and then measure the erection it gave them (or the amount of vaginal juices it got flowing. I'm not sexist! I mean, I probably am. But right now I'm pretending I'm not!). People get so excited when a professional comments on the undeserved glowing review they may have given them. I'll tell you what I felt when I first realized comic book professionals knew about my blog: fucking terrified! I was all, "Wait. These are real people who actually search the Internet for comments about their work?! What are they? Masochists?!" And then my next thought was, "Oh shit. Most of them won't feel good about what I've written! Especially Cullen Bunn!" I didn't really mind if it hurt their feelings. I did mind that they might respond in a way that hurt my feelings! So, you know, maybe I should be nicer? And more earnest! Really get into a mindset where I feel the comic books are speaking to my sense of wonder and hope! Except, since those are dead, I realized fairly quickly that it just wouldn't be possible.

In other words, Robert Venditti's mother? If you're reading this? You probably shouldn't. I might not say any terrible things about your son! But it's also possible that I might say the most terrible things about him! Sorry!

Currently, John Stewart is ready to wage war on Sinestro's Warworld. Already, I can see the flaw in that plan! One side seems a whole lot more ready to fight a war than the other! You can probably figure it out if you think about it a little bit. Also, John Stewart isn't really known for winning wars. He's more known for committing genocide and failing himself over and over again.

Also waging war on Warworld? Hal Jordan and his army of light constructs! Now there's a guy who might possibly be stubborn enough to defeat Warworld single-handed.

Sinestro has to remove his dick from the Book of Parallax and turn his attention to Hal Jordan's attack. Lyssa is all, "The Book of Parallax told me I wouldn't be reaching climax tonight! Why did I even bother?! Oh, that's right. Because the Book of Parallax said I would! And then it said I would grumble about it! And then it said I would say how I said it said I would say it said I would grumble about it saying the thing it said I would say! Somebody kill me!" But Sinestro is all, "Darn it! It's my best friend and worst enemy! Hal Stupidface Jordan! That can mean only one thing: I'm about to be utterly humiliated! Again!"

If a woman ever said "What purpose would you have me serve, my lord?", I would say, "Hee hee hee hee hee! Hee hee hee hee hee! HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" There's probably a reason I'm a virgin.

That last caption was fictional! It was just a joke! I've totally done it with at least two ladies! Possibly even three!

While Sinestro tries to shake the last of the semen out of his penis before putting on his uniform (otherwise he'll wind up with a sticky, slippery patch that smells like a blooming Callery Pear tree), Lyssa heads down to the Fear Engine to make sure it's pumping out enough fear to beat Hal Jordan. While down there, Guy Gardner gets a glimpse of her Parallaxes and hits on her. He uses words to hit on her but he's also hanging there naked, so I'm sure Lyssa would have noticed other clues as to Guy's interest in her.

I had to ask Lord Google for the name of the trees that smell like semen for that last paragraph. I first noticed the smell in my home town when I was in my late teens or early twenties. A neighbor had three of them growing on the patch of ground between the sidewalk and the street. I started referring to them as the semen trees. So when I asked Lord Google about the "trees that smell like semen," Lord Google responded with these great headlines from around the Internet: "Your Street Probably Smells Like Semen Right Now," "Meet the tree that's making your neighborhood smell like Semenville," "Spring is here! And so are the semen trees," and "the blooming of the jizz trees." I feel so much better knowing that everybody is walking around with the realization that trees are spooging all over their faces.

Here is a David Mitchell and Robert Webb skit about semen trees!

Guy Gardner is baptised in fear and shoved inside the Fear Machine. The reason is that Lyssa and the Administrator believe the fear of a Green Lantern will make it all the more powerful. But I have a feeling they're simply putting a wrench right up inside next to the most sensitive gears and whatnot. It might be different if they were powering an Asshole Machine or an Arrogance Machine or a Male Chauvinist Pig Machine. I don't see how Guy Gardner is going to help fuel a Fear Machine!

The Fear Engine powers up Sinestro to 1000%. That's a lot of percents! He then sends the rest of his army off to watch the battle between him and Hal Jordan. I don't get it! Sinestro always loses to Hal Jordan! Every single time! Doesn't he remember all of his humiliating defeats at Hal's hands? Why would he risk another one?! Just let your army defeat Hal as you take pot shots with your 1000% powered ring from the sidelines, Sinestro! Don't be a huge dum-dum! Bah. Oh well. Sinestro is sure to lose now. He might get close to defeating Hal but then Guy will probably rebel and screw up the Fear Machine and John Stewart will arrive with Mogo and the other Lanterns and the posse of intergalactic citizens. It's all going to fall apart! I mean, of course it is! You can't write a story that contradicts age old wisdom like "Pride Goeth Before Offal!"

The Rankings!
1. New Super-man (*)
2. Deathstork (*)
3. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
4. Suicide Squad (*)

It's going to start getting hard to really rank the comic books as I read them. Is this comic book really better than Suicide Squad? It's a tough call although Suicide Squad is basically a twelve page comic book while this one is more or less twenty pages. So it's doing more work and maintaining a coherent story while doing so. It probably has too many characters but when has that ever not been true for a comic book with "Green Lantern Corps" in its title? But both comics are doing things I like and also doing some things that bore the shit out of me. By the time the rankings are fully filled out, I imagine this comic will be right smack dab in the middle, maybe a little bit on the better than most side.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #5

How is that rolled-up sweat sock Green Lantern still alive?

The Commentary!
• I hope Robert Venditti has the balls to criticize teenagers in this comic book the way Christopher Priest criticized them in Deathstork #3! Should I still be calling him "Christopher Priest"? According to the credits in Deathstork, he just wants to go by Priest now. That seems confusing though. In no alternate universe (or this one either!) will you find a version of me calling Christopher Priest merely Priest. That's not a name! It's a spoiler that somebody is going to be molested.

• Currently in this story, Sinestro believes he's taken over the universe but he's still doing the same things that caused him to fail when he was a petty crook with a yellow ring who couldn't beat a guy whose green ring had no effect on yellow. First off, he's decided that torturing Guy Gardner is a good thing. I can't deny that it's probably a satisfying thing! I'm sure Guy has said a number of horrible things about Sinestro's mother over the years, so why wouldn't Sinestro want to torture Guy? But being that Sinestro is supposedly a great and powerful galactic overlord now, he should be past those petty concerns! He should know that pissing off Guy Gardner is never a good move! Hal is the type of guy who will simply punch you in the face if you piss him off. Guy Gardner definitely knows what the term "teabagging" means and he's probably had some practice doing it.

• If Guy Gardner does escape to teabag Sinestro, that would explain why Lyssa never warns Sinestro that that will be the outcome. You know, since she knows the future. She also probably already knows that she'll be jerking off while watching it.

• Although Lyssa doesn't have to resort to masturbation anymore now that Sinestro's penis is full of Parallax. Just to make sure the Parallax is still working, Lyssa pays Sinestro a visit and they do it.

Who does Sinestro's laundry? Because those sheets are about to get wrecked.

• Soranik tells Hal that she performed Korugarian surgery on him. I guess Korugarian surgery is mostly optional and the option to do it is the doctors. She doesn't explain why he needed to be cut open, probably because he didn't need to at all. I think Soranik had a grudge against Hal from an earlier story and took a shit inside of him.

• 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 makes a brief guest appearance. She doesn't say anything which is a mistake on Venditti's part. Currently there are probably people out there who think 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 sometimes speaks in binary. That's a huge mistake Cullen Bunn, a terrible writer, made in his terrible series, Lost Army, which was terrible. Her people are mathematically inclined. That has nothing to do with the binary language. Maybe if he'd had her curse in mathematical formulas or theorems, I would not have thought, "Christ! Cullen Bunn is a terrible writer and cannot get anything right! How terrible he is at the writing!" Instead I might have thought, "Well, Cullen Bunn certainly is a terrible writer but at least he understands her culture!" Venditti needs to right that wrong as soon as possible!

• Hal continues to talk with Soranik without ever saying, "Why did you cut me open?! What is wrong with you?! Do I smell shit?!"

Ethan Van Sciver's Hal has the most kissable mouth.

• Hal Jordan tells Soranik he's going to blow Warworld to Hell and then he does the Pee Pee Dance. Not the dance you do when you need to pee. The dance you do that's called the Pee Pee Dance! I'm pretty sure that's a thing. If it's not, you'll probably know exactly how it goes now that I've named it and after I show you this scan:

This is the only dance I do at weddings.

• Stewart and his Green Lantern Corps discover millions of ships descending on Mogo. Unless the ships are just floating in space as Mogo rushes towards them. It's hard to tell what's happening in space without relating it to something else, and then you have to choose the way you want to perceive it. But since they see it as the ships attacking, Stewart orders Iolande to fire a warning shot at the lead ship. So Iolande gets into her Crotch Gun which probably has nothing to do with intergalactic penis envy at all, and fires a warning shot that blows the ship to pieces. I don't know. Is that technically a warning shot? I suppose it's a warning to the other ships, right? But it seems like she ignored the spirit of John's command.

• After the ship blows up, John says, "We mean none of you any harm. Attempt to approach our planet, and we will have no choice but to fire on you. Next time, the shot won't miss." Oh? Hmm. Maybe I interpreted the art in the warning shot panel incorrectly.

This was supposed to be a scan of the ship blowing up but I thought people would rather see Iolande inside of her Crotch Gun.

• The ships Stewart encounters are Intergalactic Citizens headed to Warworld to harshly protest Sinestro's heavy taxes. Since his taxes are actually the best and brightest citizens of every civilization, they decided maybe that was too high a price to pay to be in constant fear. They welcome the Green Lanterns and provide them with a Thomas Map to Warworld. Oh. So I guess everybody is suddenly realizing that the Green Lantern Corps wasn't quite as fascist as they seemed to be, huh?! Everybody hates a Green Lantern until they need one!

• Sinestro doesn't realize how close he came to being Richard Ramirezed by the universe! I mean, now he's going to be Los Angeles Police Brutalitied by the universe. I'm not sure what's worse. No wait! I know what's worse: Guy Gardner teabagging him after the battle is over.

The Ranking!
+1! My heart is a shriveled piece of scarred muscle tissue and I still felt some small twinkling of joy when John Stewart was greeted warmly by the Citizens Uniting to Neutralize Totalitarian Sinestro.