Secret Six #4

Are they living in the suburbs of Grand Theft Auto?

I have a confession to make. When I drive a car around in Grand Theft Auto, I cannot not run directly into anybody riding a motorcycle. It's so satisfying! I think I have some internal rage stemming from all of those bumper stickers telling me to fucking share the road and preemptively blaming me and other car drivers for killing motorcyclists. Hmm. Now that I've typed that sentence, I think a bigger problem with me is that I get angry at stupid bumper stickers! The bumper stickers I get especially angry at are the ones having a dialogue with other bumper stickers! Like that Jesus fish eating the atheist fish! Also the atheist fish alone! It doesn't make sense! And how about those idiots driving around proclaiming their dog is smarter than somebody's kid? And...and...those zombie families that proclaim they've eaten your stick figure family! Maybe I need some immersion therapy! I should get a bumper sticker that says, "My other car was impounded after purposely killing a motorcyclist with it."

Oh! I know! I'll get a sticker across the front of my hood in backwards font that reads SHARE THIS!

That was probably the least interesting confession I could have made. "Hey! I run people over in a video game and I thoroughly enjoy it!" Like, who doesn't? What's the secret?!

Anyway, last issue we learned some pretty interesting tidbits about the Secret Six. They were really important tidbits too! The kind you don't normally discover in Issue #3 of any comic book unless it's a three issue mini-series. I suppose it isn't as surprising when you realize that three issues of Secret Six took about ten years to come out, so something had to be revealed to keep everybody's attention (I only said I was going to be magnanimous and avoid the topic of delays in the last commentary!). Those revelations were (SPOILER WARNING if you haven't read Issue #3 although if you're reading a commentary on Issue #4 before reading Issue #3 than I'm guessing you don't really care. And now I'm soured on Spoiler Warnings and will never use them again because they're never appreciated) that Mockingbird is The Riddler and Big Shot is Ralph Dibny, The Elongated Man. The best part about The Elongated Man secretly being Big Shot is that he won't be wearing that stupid fucking uniform.

I wonder if Sue is buried in the garden?

All that paper is doing is getting in the way of Big Shot's mouth! Free hand that feces-covered cock substitute, Dibny!

If Dibny weren't just using his powers to make himself grow bigger (much like Phat from X-Statix. Do I sense a Mavel-DC crossover lawsuit pending?!), he'd probably eat that dog in one bite by wrapping his lips around its thick shaft and swallowing. No wait. That's probably more like something Plastic Man would do.

How embarrassing must it be for Plastic Man to be the "less dignified" stretching super hero? I suppose Jimmy Olsen was even worse though. You know, way back when Ralph would share his Gingold with him.

Big Shot and Catman return to the rest of the six waiting outside Porcelain's apartment in a van.

Especially coming at the end of a right-hand page, this beat is timed perfectly as the reader realizes everybody is accounted for except Ferdie!

I haven't turned the page yet because I'm soaking in the anticipation of whatever great perversion Ferdie is engaged in with Alice. I bet he's tempting her with both sides of the Peanut Butter Twix bar as he declares in two opposing statements that each half is the half he likes best.

Ferdie isn't acting perverse at all! Aside from looking up Alice's skirt which I think is just a natural tendency because glimpses of panties are so exciting! And Alice's are the only panties probably worth looking at because Shauna most assuredly wears only cobwebs down there and Porcelain is currently wearing boxers and Strix will fucking kill you. What's the secret?!

The team realizes they're being followed but Big Shot doesn't make a big deal about it because he's one of the bad guys! Or the good guys? He's straddling both worlds!

Oh! Oh! I know the secret! Project: Mockingird is six secret teams of six villains each! Which means Gail Simone is going to be writing 36 DC characters in this series!

The first half of this secret team is obviously Ragdoll, Scandal, and Scandal's little brother, Randall. I hope one of the teams features Brother Power the Geek and Ambush Bug!

Turning the page, I discover there's more to the scene with Ragdoll and his goggle-eyed buddies which offers more proof for my guess that there are six secret teams! Maybe they don't all have to contain six people though. This three person team could be one team. Maybe they're teams of one, two, three, four, and you get the pattern. Unless you're dumber than a raccoon which is likely in about 30% of you reading this.

I might be one of those thirty percent because I'm not an archaic gangster and had to look up "moll." Although after looking it up, I was all, "Oh yeah! I knew that! One time." And then I punched my brain for being old.

That panel confused me in another way at first too! I was wondering why he was naming birds for his moll's codename. I thought maybe The Riddler had a Robin fetish as well. I thought he should be suggesting names like "Knock Knock" or "Dirty Limerick" or "Fucking Piece of Shit Puzzle Box That Doesn't Fucking Open No Matter What You Fucking Try Goddammit!" Then I realized he's playing off of Mockingbird. I should go live in the garbage and let the raccoons have my apartment.

Back in the suburbs, Big Shot's home is lined with gnomes. Strix falls in love with one and Ferdie takes one on as his wingman so they can go do unspeakable things to the neighborhood children's dolls. I hope Strix's gnome remains part of the team even after they move on from Big Shot's little pink tiny box.

Catman smells the genders of the three people following them and it's two women and one man so I guess Randall didn't make the cut. I guess Vandal's son will have to continue to live in obscurity until I can make believe he exists at another time.

Catman has a problem with his sniffer because, judging by my cats, he should have noticed the cookies first.

Although I don't think they'd be into Pecan Sandies. Although I only eat those by dipping them in milk and the cats go fucking nuts if they hear a milk container being looked at.

The Six decline to go to prison for a year so a battle takes place over cookies. Ragdoll calls out, "Dibs on the living merkin!" Which one is that?! It could be Shauna because she is quite the frumpy disaster, although who would want her near their genitals? But since Ragdoll tackles Catman, I'll assume it was him because Ragdoll figures Catman spends most of his time sitting on genitals.

As the battle progresses, Scandal puts on her claws so everybody knows it's her. And the last of the three mentions banshees and some of her white hair falls out, so I guess that's Jeanette? Did I spell that right? I've never read the first Secret Six because I was on a comic book hiatus when it came out. But I have the first two of the new trades sitting in a pile of things that I'll eventually read if I don't get hit by a bus or arrested for running down people on motorcycles.

We still don't know the most important thing in this comic book! What is the kitten's name?! What is the secret?!

The fight ends inconclusively as everybody just winds up being too polite and feeling too awkward to continue. If only Superman and Batman were more like these assholes! Before leaving, Scandal invites everybody to an LGBTQ Mixer and Jeannette tells them that one of them is going to die. See, she's a banshee and I guess she accidentally screamed while baking the cookies and now Strix's time is up but Jeannette didn't want to blame the cookies so she pretended to have some kind of Banshee Death Sense which is totally ludicrous! Except Strix isn't the one I think will die. I have a bad feeling Ferdie is going to be introduced to a woodchipper. But he'll be back in a new body, probably!

Secret Six #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. How is it that DC can publish comic books as good as this and Grayson and Gotham Academy and Batman but they can't figure out how to write Superman?! He's like the superest easiest character to write! How come a perverse talking doll is more fun to read than Superman? Okay, right, I think that's always been the case. Maybe Superman needs to be a bit more perverse? If people were angry at Superman for being an unrepentant perv, at least I'd understand why everybody was turning on him right now in that awful Truth story arc. I'd totally support that story! Maybe when Lois switched desks with Clark without his knowing, she could have found many gigs of upskirt and x-ray vision pics on his Daily Planet computer! That's why she exposed him to the world! Maybe that's how things went down since readers still don't know the whole story and won't until Superman #44 is published in a couple of months. I hope that's what it turns out to be. I probably shouldn't be talking about Superman here. I should probably be saying Secret Six is as good as everybody expected it to be. I would say you should go read it but you're probably already reading it. Who needs me to tell them what to do anyway?!

Secret Six #2

What is the secret?! How many is six?!

Unless you're one of those extravagantly luxurious people who can buy their comic books as soon as they're available and also live on the East Coast, you will invariably receive Secret Six spoilers by following Gail Simone's Twitter account.

Okay, so not all of her Tweets are Secret Six spoilers.

I know the internet isn't very good at fact checking, so let me just point out, right here underneath the photoshopped tweets, that these are not actual Gail Simone tweets. I assure you, even now, somebody will still think they're real because words that aren't part of an image or a tweet or a Facebook status message aren't worth reading. I might as well be typing words that nobody would ever want to read anyway, like "Your grandmother masturbated" or "Your genitals touched your mother's vagina while you were being born." What is the secret?!

At the end of the last issue, Catman and his new friends were trapped under the ocean in an electrified box with a digital display asking, "What is the secret?" They were also given masks and a dead body as hints or clues to the mystery. Being that I'm currently enrolled in the Trixie Belden School of World's Greatest Detectivanting*, I think I've got this mystery solved. The masks show that everybody in the room has a secret identity. The dead body proves that one of the people is not who they say they are! So the secret is that one of them is not who they say they are and is probably the person behind the trap and is also probably The Batman.

*Detectivanting: The art of doing detective work while gallivanting around the globe having grand, sexy adventures.

Oh! Mockingbird was the secret figure at the heart of the original Secret Six! You know, the one that was all white people long before Gail Simone made it all crazy people! There may have been a Mockingbird in Gail Simone's previous run as well but I haven't read it yet, so you'd know better than I would.

Cats love to eat birds. What is the secret?!

Catman remembers being recruited to lie in a hole for a year. I have to say, Project: Mockingbird sounds a little bit like a pretentious art installation, or shitty non-magic magic trick. It's possible that when Catman tried to bite the project's director's fingers off, he was kicked off of the project. But that was eighteen months ago! I think Catman has been re-recruited for another try at getting Project: Mockingbird out of the nest.

The six prisoners have one more minute to answer the question, "What is the secret?" If nobody can answer the super vague question, one of them will die. I think the whole point of this project is to get them to begin confessing all sorts of horrible crimes. They'd be better off keeping their mouths shut and their notepad pages blank than implicating themselves. Then after the minute is up, just choose Private Investigator Balloon Boy to be killed.

When the voice said they only had one minute left, I was getting excited that the secret would be revealed this issue! But with all of these flashbacks to Catman in captivity, I don't think that's going to happen. Plus it's only Issue #2 and when has a comic book ever made a big revelation two issues in?

Dude, you're Catman! Don't think of it as being confined! Think of it as being inside the best box of all the boxes that ever boxed! You're king of the boxes!

The minute passes without anybody even taking a stab at a guess. Come on, guys! At least try to save your own lives! I've made more guesses than you idiots and my life isn't even currently in danger. But the threatening voice doesn't seem to be in any hurry for the contestants to self-eliminate, so the secreted six talk about escaping while the voice blah blah blahs in the background.

Catman realizes The Ventriloquist is telekinetic and suggests she raises the box out of the ocean. But she'll only do that if he gives her a kiss. That's prostitution!

That's also talent! I wonder if she can make Ferdie talk while giving oral? What is the secret?!

While in captivity eleven months ago, some woman stops by on Caturday to give Catman a kitten. I bet she's Mockingbird! Or the kitten is! Or Catman is and he's doing this to himself! What is the secret?!

So anyway, the voice begins shocking Black Alice because nobody in the box would choose a scape goat. That's when The Ventriloquist raises the box out of the sea and saves the day! Maybe. Raising the box at least seems to have cut off power to the electrified floor. Also, the box is shaped like a coffin which I called last issue. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! What is the secret?!

The Not-So-Secreted-Anymore Six break out of the coffin, jump to an ocean drilling rig, and begin killing everybody in the vicinity. Not just because they're nearby but also because they have guns and they keep trying to kill the good guys. The bad guys. The girls and guys guys. And the puppet!

The voice somehow thinks that telling them to get back in the box will work. It points out that one of them killed an innocent girl two years ago and that if they just get in the box, only one of them will die. But if they remain out of the box, they will all die. So the Six decide to stick together and fight to live. Sounds to me like the experiment worked perfectly, you manipulated assholes. Now you're a group as to where there was no group bond before! Project: Mockingbird has started!

Secret Six #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. You know what the real secret is? What happened to Catman's kitty cat? And what was its name? And did it like burrowing under covers and waking him up by biting him on the nose? Did it tend to spaz out for no reason at all and try to jump up the wall and through the ceiling to get at some invisible, other worldly something that only it could see? How about giving us the important information about the best character in the comic book so far, Gail and Ken? What is the secret?!

Secret Six #1

Oh boy! The Secret Six! My favorites! But who are these idiots on the cover?!

I can't wait to read more adventures about Mockingbird and his or her team of press-ganged misfits roaming the world battling Communism and the Mafia! And probably other nefarious groups that really aren't much of a threat anymore if they even exist at all. I especially like Crimson Dawn, ex-prostitute turned model, who does Mockingbird's bidding lest Mockingbird turn her over to Scotland Yard for having killed a pimp with a karate chop! But maybe my favorite member is Dr. August Durant, government physicist, whose drink was spiked by those awful Russkies! Dr. Durant swallowed a genetically engineered bacteria that turned him into...well, I don't what it turned him into because Mockingbird gave him the cure before it could turn him into it! But if he ever stops working for Mockingbird, Mockingbird will withhold the antidote and it'll be time to learn what that Communist bacteria might do!

I bet the secret is that one of these six is actually Mockingbird! And the secret within the secret is that Mockingbird is from...GASP...the Preboot Universe!

I know this is The New 52 version of The Secret Six so Gail Simone might take a few liberties with the crew. But she'll have to at least keep King Savage, ace pilot turned stunt man that just knows how to make all the ladies feel like super ladies. He's indebted to Mockingbird for rescuing him from a North Vietnamese interment camp where he spilled all kinds of national secrets and probably told them how to defeat capitalism through heavy inflation, low minimum wages, and a lack of taxation on the ultra-wealthy! The cad! No way can Gail Simone forget him! He's a white heterosexual manly male! He's a sure in on the new team!

I can't wait to see how Gail handles the characterization of Lili de Neuve, convicted of murder even though everybody knows she's a total pussy cat and couldn't even harm a fake, fuzzy mouse filled with catnip. Wait, a pussy cat would totally harm that. Whatever! She's a sweetheart forced to work for Mockingbird who provided her a fake alibi for the murder she didn't commit! Using her incredible make-up skills, she makes sure every member of the team looks good in any kind of light. You won't catch a male member of her team looking like David Finch drew him! And you'll also only ever catch the female members of the group looking as if David Finch drew them!

This is just the type of group that Gail Simone loves to write too! How could you get any more diverse? You have a blonde white French woman and a red headed white English woman and a red headed white American man and a brown haired white American man and a black haired African-American man, and an Italian stage magician!

I know that lead guy was called "Agent Robbins," but I bet that's Mike Tempest's code name! And they're going to bust that shaggy haired hippie for burning too bright in the eyes of both sexes! Go get him, guys!

For some reason, the hippie beats the snot out of the heroes of the comic book. Hunh. That hardly ever happens unless the hero is Aquaman. This Thomas Black fellow must be one of those super villains. The Secret Six never were too handy going up against meta-types! They were more the group you called when a particular problem called for a boxer, a pilot, a model, a physicist, a make-up artist, and a magician. You'd be surprised how often each of those skills were needed in non-Superhero comic books during the Preboot years. I mean the Pre-Crisis years. I mean the pre-pre-pre-Crisis years but just post-Comic-Book-Code-Authority years! Before that, usually the only skill you needed was a gun with the safety switched off.

The "state troopers" fight like garbage so I'm beginning to think they're not part of The Secret Six. Sometimes The Secret Six likes to become the Not As Secret Two Dozen so that there are more targets for their enemies to shoot at.

Yeah! Send Lili! And Carlo! And August! And King! And most of all, Crimson Dawn!

I wonder if the Secret Six ever crossed over with the Sea Devils?

That would have been a confusing crossover! They'd all have to wear name tags. The only two that don't look alike are August and Little Nicky!

This issue is called "One Less Mouth to Feed" which reminds me of that time Cerebus through the baby and gave that good advice about one less mouth to feed being one less mouth to feed. And also the wisdom about how God hates poor people and loves rich people which is why rich people are rich and poor people are poor. Can't argue with that!

Remember when Cerebus was one of the most well crafted stories in the comic book kingdom until Dave Sim self-destructed? That was entertaining. The comic book was entertaining too!

After the shaggy man kills the man calling for help, I begin to suspect that Gail Simone isn't basing this comic book on the original Secret Six at all! That's crazy! There's so much potential for a modern reworking of the team! Oh well. I guess I'll just have to be content with my original Secret Six fanfiction and try to enjoy whatever this mess is based on! Probably some flash-in-the-pan reworking of Secret Six that nobody ever heard of.

Is that my sweet Crimson Dawn? Oh! Oh! I bet that's Mockingbird! That's why she doesn't like guys that act like cats!

The guy that was acting like a cat (who I'll start calling "Catman" for short) wakes up in a cell with five other people. So that makes six! Hey! Maybe this is the Secret Six! It's composed of Catman, Crotch Shot, Fairuza Balk, Havana Waller, Big Shot, and The Sexy Mummy. I bet they all have secrets which Mockingbird uses against them to force them to do her bidding. Just like the original Secret Six!

The Secret Six are trapped inside a cube that's also a game and maybe an experiment as well, and maybe a little bit of a coffin too. Hopefully not everything remains a secret for long. How many issues am I going to have to read before I know what the secret is?

Oh stop it! Cats love boxes!

Two locked containers sit in the middle of the cell. The combination to the locks is one-one-one-four which is hIII upside down on a calculator. That's probably a clue! "HIII!" "H" and "I". As in "aitch" and "eye". As in Eee! Tess AITCH EYE Tea! It's a secret code to me! "HIII Gail Simone! HIII!"

One of the containers holds six masks. The other holds the corpse of Agent Robbins. More clues! I wonder if we can figure out the secret yet?

The prisoners introduce themselves to each other and it looks like I was wrong on identifying most of them. Havana is actually a superperson named Porcelain who can make things brittle. Crotch Shot is The Ventriloquist. I didn't recognize her without her murderous pal with the drills for hands. What was his name? Bento? No wait. Ferdie! Big Shot is Damon Wells aka Big Shot. He was easy to guess since Porcy already used his name. He can expand like Bouncing Boy, I guess. Gross. The Sexy Mummy is Strix, of course. I knew that! I could tell by the way she didn't talk.

I see Babs and Dinah never pitched in for a tablet. Assholes.

And finally, Fairuza Balk is Black Alice, grumpy magician that uses backwards magic like old whats-her-name. Atannaz or something.

If the Secret Six cannot answer the question, "What is the secret?", one of them will be killed. And they get to vote on which one that will be! My guess is the others will pick Big Shot because he has a stupid power and because he's a private investigator. Crappy things always happen to P.I.s! It's like the first rule of P.I.ing.

With only a few seconds (and one page) left, nobody has answered "What is the secret?" I guess none of them are fans of Oprah Winfrey. Also, not everybody was introduced! There's still one more team member to go and it's going to be my favorite!

I'm happy to see you, Ferdie!

Secret Six #1 Rating: I guess I'll rank this around ten because I don't even care what the secret is. Nobody can trick me with their dangling carrots! I bet there isn't even any secret at all! The secret is there is no secret, you fools! Unless the secret is really about...no! I don't care! I'm not going to spend my holiday pondering some unguessable secret spawned in the dark, vile heart in Gail Simone's head. I'm just going to go read Justice League 3000 #12 starring Original Blue Beetle and Original Booster Gold now.

Oh! I bet the secret is "I C WATER!" ICY WATER is the secret! Totally nailed it.

Doomed #2

I realize Superman is currently part Doomsday, but can I still declare this as the worst drawing of Superman in the last 75 years?

Usually I joke about not remembering what's been happening in a comic book but I'm telling you up front that the next sentence is not a joke. I don't remember what's been happening in this comic book. Hmm, I don't think I needed the disclaimer about that previous sentence not being a joke since it didn't even come close to making me laugh. Anyway, the last Chapter of Doomed was that one where Supergirl was kissed against her will by that rapist asshole Michael in the wheelchair. What a fucking dick. I hate that guy. Also, that story didn't really have anything to do with Doomed. So rereading my commentary on it didn't help at all. I guess I'll just dive in. At least I'm excited about not seeing Scott Lobdell's name on the cover because fuck that guy!

If I discovered a genie that granted me three wishes, I would begin by wishing for more genies. Then I would wish for a ten inch pianist. Then I would wish that whoever was writing Lois Lane's articles for the Doomed story line would accidentally fall into a time machine set to the moment of his birth where that person would travel back in time and the time machine would land on the baby just as the doctor was bringing it into the world. No wait! I'd wish that I had a time machine so I could go back in time and fuck my great grandfather! I mean my great grandmother!

I'm not going to point out how Lois Lane doesn't know how to utilize commas because I don't know how to utilize commas and I might look like an idiot when everything I say winds up being incorrect. But I am going to point out how horrible this article is and could never have been written by the world's greatest journalist's wannabe girlfriend. At least Lois helped me remember where we left off with this story.

This issue is called "Evolutions" or, as Young Earthers would say, "Stupid Lies By Biased Dumb Dumb Heads That Nobody Should Listen To Or Else You Will Most Definitely Go To Hell."

The final hope of Earth are currently hiding away in the Fortress of Solitude watching as the citizens of Smallville all go into cardiac arrest. But I'm sure it will be a very slow kind of cardiac arrest. You know the kind? The kind your uncle always gets when he goes to those buffets and eats six steaks and then slumps in his chair pounding on his chest to try to stop the pain. That's the kind of heart attack that can go on for weeks before the victim finally seeks medical attention because he can't get a boner.

Lana Lang embarrasses Martian Manhunter by asking him where Superman is instead of saying, "Hey, Johnny boy. Can you, like, start saving everybody already? You're more powerful than Superman, right? Although we really could use Superman since he looks human so everybody looks to him as an icon of truth and justice and the American way whereas they just look at you and throw up in their mouths a little bit." Maybe it would be more embarrassing if she were to say those things, so it's probably better she just left it at asking J'onn to find Superman.

Look at that smirk on Batman's face! He's enjoying this! What a dick.

The plan now is for Superman, as Doomsday, to locate Brainiac within his ship and kill him. Because that worked out so well with Doomsday! What's the next big Superman story going to be called? Superdoomiac? Maybe Superman should stop killing things when he can't force them into the Phantom Zone.

You know what? Maybe Superman should also stop forcing aliens into the Phantom Zone! That may be representative of The American Way but it's certainly not Justice! It may or may not be Truth depending on how big of an asshole philosopher you are.

Speaking of asshole philosophers!

So according to Brainiac, all Superman has to do to defeat Brainiac is to stop observing him! Then he'll stop existing! Or does Brainiac exist through his own observations of himself? He observes, therefore he is?

Brainiac has come up with a philosophical thought so, as an asshole philosopher, he believes his thought must be true. So he's collecting lots and lots of sentient minds so that he can tell them they're seeing what Brainiac wants them to see and then that thing they think they're seeing will exist. He's so stupid he doesn't even understand his own philosophy! In the panel I scanned, he points out that phenomena only exists if it's observed. But that doesn't say that believing you're observing something causes it to come into existence! I think Brainiac might be that fucking asshole in my Freshman Philosophy of Science course that caused me to drop the class after the first day.

While Brainiac idea-masturbates all over the inside of Clark Kent's mind, Cyborg Superman attacks the Fortress of Solitude. Supergirl arrives to battle him because he's her problem. Still no sign of Wonder Woman straddling Warworld as she brings it out of the Phantom Zone to battle Brainiac's ship.

I don't know which of the dozen artists drawing this issue fucked up Supergirl's costume here but I'm glad they did! This is how it should actually look! These Kryptonian Biker Shorts are much cuter than that red diaper she normally wears.

Wonder Woman doesn't come riding out of the Phantom Zone like I wanted her to. Instead she just fires it from inside the Phantom Zone, through the portal, and at Brainiac's ship. Boring! Wonder Woman should force Mongul to sign over the pink slip to Warworld. She is the God of War now. I think it belongs to her. It would make a great base. Or she could just park it somewhere in London and turn it into an apartment building.

When is Superman going to defeat Brainiac with love? I hope he hugs and kisses him which will cause Brainiac to fall to his knees yelling, "NOOOO!" Because what Brainiac doesn't realize is he's battling Earthlings! Earthlings! No other creature in the universe is capable of such strength, resilience, and love! That's because we've all seen the power of love due to the movie The Yellow Submarine. And also maybe Back to the Future as well.

Superman finds out that Brainiac simply wants a universe where his wife and son are still alive. That's why he needs Earth minds! Because they understand how the only thing that really matters is the love of a good wife and son! Earthlings sure are dumb. But Brainiac keeps fighting even when Superman seems willing to help him create his wish. So Lois Lane gives Superman Brainiac's power to go along with his Doomsday power!

Superdoomiac! Just like I said! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Superman uses his new Brainiac powers to toss Brainiac (and himself, apparently) into a Black Hole. Instead of being crushed to death, Superman uses some of Brainiac's Philosophy of Science Powers to believe that a Black Hole is a doorway into another world instead of just a gigantic gravitational death trap. Brainiac winds up listening to some computer speak about acquiring assets for its collection while seeing several different scenes of the Preboot Universe. So Flashpoint breaks down inside of a Black Hole? So that's what all the New 52 Haters should do! Throw themselves into a Black Hole! Why do I keep capitalizing Black Hole?!

Doomed #2 Rating: No change because it isn't in the rankings. What the fuck just happened?! Blue Beetle was in that black hole! Along with Dick Grayson's horrible Nightwing outfit! And Superman's outside underwear! And the original OMAC with his weird ass girlfriend in a box! And a straight Alan Scott! And Harley in her old outfit! And maybe a scene from Flashpoint itself with the Flashpoint Aquaman battling the Flashpoint Wonder Woman? I forget what they looked like but I think they were at war in Flashpoint, right? I'd probably remember better but Flashpoint changed things so that I don't remember Flashpoint very well. Is Superman going to be back in Preboot Continuity now?!

Action Comics Annual #3

DC put out a memo that Superman cannot appear on a cover without his eyes glowing as bright as Satan's asshole. It's a fact!

I was so deep up my own smart ass while reviewing the last issue of Doomed! that I forgot that Lois Lane's articles are laid out as if they were blog entries and not actual newspaper articles. So I apologize for speculating how she was printing her own newspapers while everybody else in Metropolis was in a coma. It's obvious that she's blogging these articles and posting them without any editor taking a look at them. In this one, she types "Psi'ss" instead of "Psis" or, less incorrectly, "psionic people." Also she fucked up her caption on the pic of Brainiac by typing "artis" instead of artist. This issue, she's using the blog as a platform to confess that she's been behind a lot of Metropolis's troubles lately and it all started because she hated that Clark Kent began blogging. Which, you know, she's doing now because she finally realized that analog media is for an audience that has one foot in the grave and is missing their other foot from diabetes. Anyway, this whole Lois Lane is a 12th Level Intellect with psionic powers story arc was begun by Scott Lobdell and it might be the worst story written about Lois Lane ever. And that includes all the ridiculous Silver Age stories where she appeared in a comic book subtitled "Superman's Girlfriend."

I wonder if Lois Lane will go on trial for all the death and destruction she's caused? I suppose she'll get off on the "I was Mind-Controlled!" technicality that prosecutors must hate in the comic book world. It's more effective than the Twinkie Defense.

Lois is currently trapped in a cage within her own mind which explains why her previous articles have been so shitty. Brainiac has been writing them and English is his nine hundred and thirty second language, so he's not particularly comfortable with it. But now Brainiac is busy guiding his ships to invade Earth, so she was able to write a cry for help and hit publish. She knows Clark Kent obsessively stalks her blog and, thanks to Brianiac, she knows Clark Kent is Superman, so it seemed like the best way to inform Superman that she was in trouble.

So that's how Batman's plan to remove the Kryptonite from the atmosphere succeeded. He called in Lex Luthor.

Batman called in Lex, the smartest person on Earth, to help out even though he has access to the smartest person in Earth, Shay Veritas, Omniologist! I will never like Shay Veritas because Scott Lobdell created her and gave her the title of Omniologist. He doesn't know how to layer characters, does he? He just decides, "I will make the smartest person ever!" I guess he did give her a slight limp to show how frail her body is while her mind is so strong. That's not trite and overdone or anything.

Batman also gathered a couple of characters that hardly matter but since they were behind the release of Doomsday, Batman probably figures he needs to keep an eye on them. Also, he's probably planning on transferring the Kryptonite in the atmosphere into The Phantom Zone. Does he realize if he does that, he'll kill all of the people trapped inside the Phantom Zone excluding Mongul? He'll be the greatest murderer of Kryptonians since Krypton itself!

Meanwhile, some cheesy shit goes down in Brazil where a little boy everybody thought was a monster except for Superman believes in Superman while everybody else believes that Superman is a monster. Or something. I was distracted by the sudden onset of every symptom of diabetes due to it's treacle sappy sweetness. Also Ghost Soldier was involved and that character is an idiot.

Superman and Baka the Monster Boy head to Metropolis so that Superman can meet up with Lois Lane and they can discuss how much it sucks to suddenly be possessed by villains.

Wait. It was nanobots doing all the damage? But what about the brain wave coma radio relay that Lana Lang found? How could she miss all the nanobots when she's the greatest electrical engineer that's ever lived? What a rookie mistake.

I am so fucking sick of nanobots. Fucking Grant Morrison. Ever since he had Niles Caulder create the nanobots with his Think Tank, DC Comics has been infested with the things. I wish DC would send out a company wide memo putting a moratorium on nanobots.

Superman destroys all the nanobots and Lois is free! Yay! Oh god I'm so bored and irritated by this sappy crap. Now Lois uses her telepathic powers to assure Clark that she believes in him and that the world doesn't deserve him and yet he still fights for them and OH MY GOD WHERE CAN I GET AN INSULIN SHOT RIGHT NOW?!

We even get a shot of a boy and his dog. Oh god, why can't I feel my feet?!

And then Superman and Krypto destroy all of Brainiac's ships. Unless they self-destructed. Whatever. It doesn't matter because Cyborg Superman's gigantic Space Rectum opens up and the Collector of Worlds arrives to pick up the planet he ordered out of Previews a few years ago.

Action Comics Annual #3 Rating: Here's the great thing about this annual: you don't have to read it! You can choose between this Annual or the Superman Loves Wonder Woman Annual. You don't have to read both. And in a world where you don't have to read both, I'm recommending everybody skip this one. This issue is worse than the one panel from Superman Loves Wonder Woman where Batman declares he succeeded in removing the Kryptonite. This issue is awfully syrupy. It also does that thing where everybody believes in Superman so Superman should gain strength by that. But guess what? Nobody fucking believes in Superman and nobody has believed in Superman, if not from the beginning of The New 52, since at least from when Scott Lobdell took over the title and decided to write him as if he were the X-men and nobody trusted him because human beings can't trust anybody that is naturally stronger than they are. Sure, Lois points out that Earth doesn't deserve him since they've all been such righteous dicks to him. But to suddenly claim they believe in him now when their lives are on the line? And Superman buys it? Well, I guess that's what makes him Superman. He does the right thing even when he's treated like a dick.

Batman Loves Superman #12

When did Batman become Ursula?

Tonight is the Fourth of July and I'm wondering, "Should I care?" I mean, I don't mind feeling however it is I happen to feel (which is not bothered by it at all in any way). I'm just wondering what people's arguments would be to try to get me to care when I don't. I suppose those who love it either have some kind of sympathetic, childish attachment to the United States of America or they just love blowing things up. I think patriotism and faith belong in the same rubbish tip. They're basically the same thing. They're attributes that people believe are noble and they're proud to exhibit the traits. But they're far more dangerous than beneficial because they tend to feed differences and breed fear. If you believe patriotism is a good thing then you are, in a roundabout way, defending the World War II German citizens tacit support of Hitler's abominable acts. If you believe faith is a good thing, you sympathize with the passion of those who destroyed the World Trade Centers. I know, I know. Madmen were behind those horrors! But the acts were fueled by tending the patriotism and faith of those who committed them which is done through propaganda and inculcation. I suppose one might feel patriotism seems good if you're a level-headed American and faith is good if you're an upstanding Christian. But anybody exhibiting those traits in an extremely passionate and vehement way are assholes and wrong! Well, actually, I'd agree with you about the anybody else exhibiting those traits extremely passionately and vehemently are assholes and wrong! But I'd just lump the level-headed Americans and upstanding Christians into the same pile because you still just have people acting upon irrational beliefs that are only learned through propaganda and constant repetition. You love your country because you were randomly born within it. And you love your god almost exclusively because its the god your parents loved or its the god most people of your community love. You have to realize that if you were born in another country or under the influence of another religion, you'd think differently than you currently do. You absolutely wouldn't question things and somehow discover Jesus and love America. To think that you would is simply lying to yourself.

Here's the big problem with what I just said from my side of things! Instead of reading the previous paragraph and realizing I'm just expressing a personal argument against faith and patriotism (and a slight, barely supported argument at best! Fuck I'm lazy!), my guess is that most people against what I've said will view my words as a condemnation of people's actions and the belief that those actions should not be allowed. If somebody inferred that from my previous statement, that somebody would be wrong. Go ahead and worship and believe in any of the various gods that people believe in. Support your government wholeheartedly and without question. Do and act however you want! But realize that I can look at what you're doing and think, "Twat." You can act like you're better than me because you believe passionately in something and you have a flag on your lawn and Jesus loves you, and I can act like I'm better than you because I don't fall for twaddle and nonsense. You also have the right to believe I believe in twaddle and nonsense as an atheist and a Situational Individualist. But then I reserve the right to believe you're an uneducated buffoon! Then you can believe that I'm a pretentious, conceited asshole! And I'll believe that ... well, you're probably right on that one. I guess we can agree on some things!

Anyway, Happy 4th of July, America! It could be happier though. I loved the 4th of July as I was growing up because pretty much anything was allowed and every year there were new types of fireworks that created different displays and did crazy shit. At some point though, you've seen every single way to blow something up or to shoot fireballs into the air and it gets a bit old. That's the age when you discover blowing up M-80s in trash cans can make you deaf for a good ten to twenty minutes! Also, fireballs from roman candles make for a fun and exciting game of tag. But eventually, most fireworks were banned in most places (especially on the west coast since, you know, lots and lots of trees) and the fireworks that were left were incredibly dull. The 4th of July does get a resurgence of excitement once you begin drinking though! But even that eventually wears off and then it's just a noisy night that frightens people's pets and grandparents. Maybe we should start a new tradition? Since it's the country's birthday, how about firing cake out of cannons into crowds of spectators? Holy shit! I'd partake of that! Also, if that were a church service, I might believe in your cake cannon God.

I feel sorry for the people that stopped reading me forever before they got to the cake cannon! They're missing out on a brilliant idea!

This issue begins with Batman and Superman finally remembering Issue #1-4 of this same series when they traveled to Earth 2 and saw that Wonder Woman rode a Pegasus. They also remember who caused it all: Kaiyo, Darkseid's jester.

I think Kaiyo wants Darkseid to be defeated, right? So she should be here to help Batman and Superman with whatever they need.

Kaiyo confirms that she was hoping they'd drive off Darkseid so that she could hide out on Earth. But now, in the time honored traditions of Batmite (unless it's Bat-mite with the dash) and Mr. Mxyzptlk (unless it's spelled differently although that would be a different character altogether, wouldn't it?), Kaiyo is going to fuck around with Batman and Superman's lives. She's going to give each of them a chance to change their past. I don't know exactly what they want to change but she insists that's what they wished. I just thought they wanted to travel to Earth 2 to help in the present.

But when Superman and Batman arrive on Earth 2, they're just phantoms, unable to affect anything. And even if it's possible, Batman convinces Superman to merely watch as Earth 2 Superman saves his parents while Lois is killed in Metropolis. If Batman hadn't stopped Superman, Lois could have lived as New Earth Superman saved Ma and Pa Kent! How do I know this? Because Batman later saves Alfred by turning tangible at precisely the right moment.

Sure, Batman! Convince Superman not to fuck with time paradoxes but shit all over your own arguments and wave your dick in the face of a possible time anomaly.

I guess this is why we haven't seen Alfred over in Earth 2! He was supposed to have been killed by a parademon. But now he's been saved because Kaiyo gave Batman a chance to change the past and he took her up on it! Will Alfred now appear in Earth 2? I hope so!

But now Batman knows what will happen when Superman chooses to change something. Now Superman can be prepared to really do some good! But who will he save? What will he accomplish?! I'd probably try an Earth 2 doughnut.

Superman chooses to save Helena Wayne's life just before she and Kara wind up in a Boom Tube to New Earth.

So Alfred has been alive on Earth 2 this whole time thanks to Batman! Unless he was killed by different parademons a few panels later. No, no way! Batman saved him and now he can appear in Earth 2 like I've been waiting for him to do!

This is the most orderly and elegant version of time travel, the "Whatever Happened, Happened" theory. It's a bit constricting if you want to tell a really wildly fun tale of time travel but it can make for a really great story as well. Timecrimes chooses this route when dealing with time travel and it's a fantastic movie that thoroughly pleased my Time Travel Jones.

Anyway, Kaiyo isn't a huge fan of the decisions Batman and Superman made. She calls them sentimental when what she really wanted was ruthless. So she takes them back to New Earth with a clean slate, whatever that means. I guess I'll find out in Issue #13.

Batman Loves Superman #12 Rating: No change. This was a nice little story that feels like a one shot but is apparently going to continue next issue for some reason. I'm glad that Alfred was shown being saved so that we know he's alive and kicking somewhere on Earth 2. No way Greg Pak would have written that scene if we're just supposed to believe that Alfred is ripped apart by more parademons a few panels later. At least I won't believe that even if he never appears in Earth 2! I'll continue to believe he's still backpacking through Thailand sampling hallucinogenic teas and banging anything that moves.

Doomed #1

Time once again for "How can Superman be beaten? Sheer force, that's how!" Theater! Again!

Look, DC Comics. We all know Superman is the strongest and the most invulnerablest and the mightiest and the unkillablest super hero ever invented. Stop trying to make challenges to Superman about how hard something can hit him. Because if something can hurt Superman, that something is too unbelievable to exist even in comic books! You have to challenge Superman in other ways! Give him a really difficult Sudoku to finish before the sun explodes! Trap him inside the nastiest truck stop restroom you can imagine because a new brand of urinal cake has been made with kryptonite! Have Lois Lane tell Clark Kent to fuck off with his titty smothering gaze! I don't care what you do! Just do something other than Superman getting popped in the face and saying, "That actually hurt!" Or if you are going to have Superman feeling pain from punches and whatnot, please stop introducing him with idiotic phrases like he has been in the heart of suns and shit. If he can survive those kinds of pressures, nothing short of a collapsed star thrown at his head is going to faze him.

Oh! Maybe Doomsday is made out of collapsed star matter! No wait. If that were true, he'd collapse the Earth just by standing on it. I think. Somebody ask Neil deGrasse Tyson what would happen in that case! Or get out your Ouija Board and ask Carl Sagan.

The issue begins with Superman saving some pilots as they realize carpet bombing Doomsday was a bad idea.

Oh! His gravity pulled the planes apart, right? I bet Doomsday is made out collapsed red sun matter!

Superman heads back to the Fortress of Solitude to hide from Doomsday. While there, he's visited by "Doctor" Shay Veritas the Omniologist. She isn't supposed to be able to leave The Block due to some mix up with a black hole or some other stupid alternate dimensional stupid nonsensical stupidity but here she is anyway! The comic mentions she's "risked her life" to have left The Block. I'm fairly certain she shouldn't be able to leave The Block but you know comic books! Change past stories to suit present stories! Fuck consistency while paying lip service to continuity. Not that I care! I just hate "Doctor" Veritas for some reason I can't quite remember and just wish she'd stay in her hole in the center of the planet.

Oh no! Doomsday is even more powerful than ever!

As you can see from the panel above and my reaction to it, the tension has just been ratcheted up significantly. Doomsday was capable of killing Superman in his previous incarnation; now he's capable of super killing Superman! What is Superman going to do if he can't just punch danger into submission?! Will he have to use his...brain?!

No, I bet he still just finds a way to punch Doomsday into submission.

Learning that Doomsday has just killed thousands of people by just being near them, and knowing Doomsday is teleporting all over the world via the Phantom Zone, Superman's main concern is whether or not he can kill Doomsday without feeling guilty. Oh, boo the fucking hoo. Superman might have to kill to save people. What a moral dilemma! What a quandary he's found himself in! How will he be able to live with himself if he saves Earth by killing one creature?!

I bet we never find out because I bet Superman finds a way to not kill Doomsday. But even when Superman shoves some menace into The Phantom Zone, he's still playing God, isn't he? So who cares if he kills something or he just imprisons it for eternity somewhere where the creature barely exists? You eat burgers, right Supes? Just pretend Doomsday is a fucking cow and get on with it.

Mmmm! Double bacon Doomsday burger with cheese! I'm spraying the toilet bowl just thinking about it!

Meanwhile, I'd forgotten that Smallville had been quarantined because everybody caught a serious case of coma. So the guard isn't letting Lana Lang in. But he does allow Lois Lane through! He probably didn't want her reporting on the huge boner he popped when she drove up to speak with him. Lana hitches a ride on Lois's jeep and they ride in together.

It took me about three tries to read that last panel correctly. I kept thinking, "Why is Lois telling Lana to shut up?!"

Remember when Lana Lang was a mind zombie living inside of Superman's head? That was a story in The New 52 that we'll thankfully never have a resolution for because Superman is getting a better writer soon! And by "better," I mean anybody else on Earth (and possibly off Earth). I can't quite remember who the last writer was due to my Fleshpoint Accident, but I do remember that he or she was awful!

Meanwhile, Clark Kent has gone to the person he can most trust to lead him in the right direction considering the whole "Do I kill Doomsday?" question: J. Jonah Jameson! I mean, Perry White!

Look, I don't really know why Clark asks Perry about this. I guess Perry has become his substitute Pa Kent. Or maybe Ma Kent. One of those.

Superman should have asked Batman for advice since Batman has a no kill policy as well. And Batman would have explained exactly what Superman should do. He'd tell Superman to mortally wound Doomsday and then tie Doomsday to a fire hydrant, call an ambulance, and alert the police. If Doomsday dies, it's not Superman's fault! It's the fault of the medics and the police who didn't arrive at the scene in time or have the expertise to save him! Clean hands!

Back in Smallville, Lois is going around pretending to listen to people as she asks them questions but she's probably just reading everybody's minds and making them forget she was even there. She has super powers! And her super powers are why everybody in Smallville is in a coma! She's going to deliver these bodies to Brainiac so that the people of Colu can have bodies and she's going to get the scoop of a lifetime! She's so hyper-intelligent! Twelfth Level Hyper-intelligent, even!

Doomsday next appears in Africa near where Steel and his daughter are currently located. Steel dons his armor because he probably needs to die so that his daughter will take up the armor and be better at being Steel than he was. I mean, he's not going to defeat Doomsday by himself, right?! I don't think he can even get close because of Doomsday's Null Field! That's right! Steel's daughter Natasha (which is Ah! Satan! backwards. Except with the exclamation points. If I had a daughter, I would name her !Natas!ha) identifies Doomsday's weird ability to kill things at a distance as a Null Field. I've been watching Cosmos every Sunday and I totally agree with her.

Or maybe the Null Field is something else and it's just poison leaking out of Doomsday's face that is killing everything that gets near it. I still have a few episodes of Cosmos left to watch, so I don't know everything about the world yet! Sometimes I get things wrong!

Oh yeah, also Wonder Woman appears! And Superman isn't far behind! And now they will punish it with the power of love!

Except it slips out through a portal and disappears. At least Superman knows he doesn't have to worry about killing it now. He can always lie to himself and pretend that Diana delivered the killing blow when they finally are forced to take Doomsday's life.

The Justice League have a meeting to figure out what to do. They just saved the planet (or will as soon as Forever Evil #7 is published) and now they have to worry about saving it again! Lex Luthor Skypes in with his plan: Superman should fucking get the fuck out, motherfucker. And Superman agrees, of course. The battle between Superman and Doomsday needs to take place far away from Earth or Earth is going to take another one right in the ass. And her ass is still sore from the Criminal Syndicate and the Anti-Monitor (or Darkseid (or whatever chased them to New Earth)) having their way with it. The rest of the Justice League are just going to continue doing clean up which shouldn't be too hard since they still have their Forever Evil Clean-up Chores List.

"DOn't get too excited"?! But a three-way is way more exciting than these two just rubbing buttholes. Is that how gay men have sex?!

Superman finds Doomsday when Doomsday next reappears and takes him to Venus where he melts him with his heat vision. I only know it's Venus because a title card said, "VENUS!" Otherwise, it didn't look like Venus at all. There were no jungles or gigantic man-eating plants or half-naked alien jungle women or anything. So I guess that's it? Problem solved! The end! The other three chapters must be Superman dealing with having murdered a monster and crying to his therapist. But first he has to head back to Smallville to tell Lana that everything is okay now.

Whoops!

This time, Superman has to rip Doomsday's arm off, Beowulf and Grendel style! Doomsday dissolves into a cloud of purple toxins and Superman falls to his knees and weeps like a child.

Doomed #1 One Shot Rating: This was entertaining enough for yet another Superman story where something super strong attacks him and he can barely find the strength and resources to defeat the enemy by punching it a lot. The real story should be in the three chapters that follow this story. I don't know if Doomsday will be back or if the purple shit Doomsday spread all over the place is going to turn people into Mini-Doomsdays or if Superman is going to just mope and kick cans because he's sad that he had to kill. I bet at least a few people get punched in the face though.

Superman #26

More psychic shit? Did Lobdell run out of ways to challenge Superman as soon as he came onto the book so he's just going to resort to psychic shit and magic?

I am so fucking glad to be reading Superman #26! Krypton Returns was bad enough having to read it the first time! But I had to reread all of my commentaries on the story this last month and be reminded how awful the entire thing was. But that's in my past now. Finally and forever! Never again will I have to think about it! Except maybe when Krypton Returns Again!

This issue begins with Clark Kent cooking dinner for Wonder Woman in his apartment in Metropolis. No, no. I didn't mean Diana Prince. I meant Wonder Woman!

I'm not a genuis (heck, I can't even spell "genius!") but I'm fairly certain this is a bad idea, what with secret identities being important to some people and all that.

Seriously though. What the fuck is up with this? Diana doesn't have a pair of Capris? A cute little sun dress? Acid washed jean skirt? Why the fuck is she having dinner in her work clothes? Come on, Clark! This is your significant other! Let her keep a pair of sweats and a Mountain Dew T-shirt in one of your fucking drawers, you cock.

So none of the editors had a problem with this scene? Clark gets to be dressed like a regular fucking person while they have a nice evening in but Diana has to remain in her sweaty, disgusting fighting clothes? I'm sure there was a lot of rationalizing going on like how it's Clark's home and maybe Wonder Woman is really busy and a whole bunch of other bullshit that doesn't really make any sense. But the world knows that Superman and Wonder Woman are an item thanks to Clarkcatropolis.com (unless that story hasn't hit the digital presses yet. Still, Clark probably shouldn't be seen with Wonder Woman), so if anybody notices, they're going to think one of two things: Clark is Superman or Wonder Woman is throwing Clark a pity fuck. Maybe they might think one or two other things as well but I don't have time to think up what those might be. Perhaps Clark hired Wonder Woman to clean his apartment?

Luckily Lois Lane (who just now astrally projected herself into the Rhubarb Soup and the middle of the date) already knows Superman's secret identity because she gained psychic powers. I'm sure Scott Lobdell was sitting in his office one night jerking off to videos of dogs sniffing each other's butts when he was struck with a brilliant* idea (*brilliant in his own mind but not in anybody else's mind): Lois Lane would be the greatest reporter to ever live if she had psychic powers! He probably jumped up with his pants around his ankles while spraying his seed across his desk, over the walls, atop his Subway sandwich, and into his scotch (neat and on the rocks at the same time somehow). Of course Scott Lobdell wouldn't (couldn't?) realize that this entire idea undercuts Lois's true power as a reporter that will do anything to break a story and always seems to manage to get some groundbreaking ink. Is that journalistic jargon? "Ink?" It's hard to know anything about journalism seeing that it's a fucking joke career at this point in time.

Lois is going crazy in her coma because she's inadvertently reading all the minds. She just needs to hug Superman (astrally, of course!) in the middle of his date with Wonder Woman. Convenient!

She has a key but not a change of clothes? Does she have to sneak in and out of Clark's apartment so nobody notices? Does Clark spend most of the time with her playing Sega Hockey?

Superman has to help walk an astral projection home? This doesn't sound a bit iffy to you, Diana? I think Superman is getting a little mental poontang on the side! And not just from Lois! Don't forget he has Lana Lang living inside his head doing God knows what?!

Meanwhile over in Suicide Slum where "hope doesn't live," The Parasite has decided he's still really fucking hungry. And on the other meanwhile, General Lane is visiting Lois's useless body simply so he can tell her about one of Scott Lobdell's fantasy plot points that he doesn't really have any story ideas for but he thought up a number or glanced at a Tarot Card or his semen landed on a specific word in the open thesaurus he likes to masturbate into. This time his "vague reference for a future plot point" is called...THE TOWER!

Thanks for the information, Mister Lane! We'll see you whenever Lobdell gets around to your stupid ass fucking story! I bet they're doing Time Travel experiments in The Tower! Or it's a building from the future!

Now all of Lobdell's fans can rave about how much tension he's just created by dropping a hint about a future story arc that, according to Scott Lobdell's own words on how he writes stories, hasn't even revealed itself to Lobdell.

Oh! Oh! Look at the next page!

Fucking Clark Kent took the bait! Idiot.

I guess Lois can't reveal her psychic powers to her father or else he'll use her as a military weapon, so she just keeps quiet and dances about naked in his head.

After all the shit about Lois and Clark being best friends and Lois reaching out to Clark because she's scared, she threatens to fucking out Superman as soon as she's out of the coma. Holy fucking shit. She's a monster!

Jonathon decides to visit Lois but he's all sad and pouty because she happened to mention Superman when she was briefly out of her coma instead of sucking his dick. So now he doesn't believe she loves him at all and instead loves Superman. But Clark talks him down off his asshole pity ledge and assures Jonathon that Lois loves him. Although why the fuck would Clark Kent know that for sure? Because he's such a great reporter?

But after Clark helps boost Jonathon's esteem, he walks off feeling sad for himself because Lois doesn't love him and she's going to rat him out to the world to boot. I guess Wonder Woman isn't enough for him. And he's going to fuck up his own secret identity by dating Wonder Woman as Clark Kent anyway, so who cares what Lois does?

Clark heads home to do some research on General Lane while The Parasite wanders around the hospital looking to accidentally cure Lois Lane of her psychic ability. And also make her forget about Superman's secret identity!

Of course the Doctor Truth swam in God's eye! She's done omnithing and been omniwhere!

Superman has to cut his research short and head back to the hospital to battle Parasite. They have a fight consisting of some really hip and groovy meta-commentary and then a part where Parasite uses his freezing breath to freeze Superman but he doesn't say "cool" like you might expect but he says how hard it is not to say "cool" because that's hipper and groovier dialogue. And then he does a "this is where I get off" elevator joke which I don't think was ever hip and cool in my lifetime. Unless he meant "this is where I come in my pants" because he was so turned on smashing Superman straight down an elevator shaft. And finally Superman realizes Parasite is there to suck on Lois Lane for a bit. Superman wants to stop it although he might not try super hard because he really can't have her wandering around exposing his secret self to the entire world.

Superman #26 Rating: No change. I'm tempted to give it a good review simply because it isn't fucking Krypton Returns. Also, it actually had characters doing things that the characters wanted to do instead of being told something cryptic like "Save the Cheerleader. Save the World." and then reacting to that. So maybe it deserves at least a +1 Ranking? No, no. What am I thinking? It was still written by Scott Lobdell.