Teen Titans Spotlight #2: Starfire

Did Starfire end Apartheid?!

I remember in summer of 1986 when the news broke: "Apartheid is no more! Fictional character ends world's currently most racist and despicable government!" But then later that same year, she was killed by a bomb in Northern Ireland. I guess she just couldn't fix all the world's problems.

Maybe the troubles in Norhern Ireland will be solved by Jericho next issue. But first, we need to read about the end of Apartheid! I wonder if Starfire blasts all the bad guys with her starbolts or she writes a pop song and gets all the heroes to sing it?

At the end of the last issue, Starfire was gaslit into believing that she'd accidentally killed the one man that could bring an end to the systemic oppression of black South Africans, Father Nelson Mandutu! Hopefully she only believes that lie on the opening splash page because it makes the story seem super exciting to kids checking it out on the rack. They flip open the book and think, "Holy shit! This fucking bitch killed that asshole! I've got to motherfucking read this Goddamned rag!" The kids I knew were foulmouthed bastards.

At least Starfire doesn't fall on her sword and allow herself to be arrested by the South African government. She flies off, promising to return, so she can think about her next move. It probably won't be shooting starbolts willy-nilly. I think it will be rending her garments remembering how Dick Grayson, the love of her life, always chastised her for being a violent psycho. Then she'll fly back to turn herself in only to hear somebody discussing how she was set up. Then maybe she'll kill some people unaccidentally!

After gnashing her teeth and pulling out her lovely, weird hair, Starfire decides to investigate the death of Mandutu. When she realizes she's a lousy detective who couldn't find a clue if it were hidden somewhere on her skimpy costume, she flies to the morgue to hug Mandutu's corpse and apologize to it. While acting weird, she discovers a bullet hole in his head. And she doesn't fire bullets out of her hands! She only fires starbolts! Mystery solved! Take that, Dick Grayson! Starfire's passion and temper didn't make her into a murderer like you always said they would (and probably secretly hoped for so that you could scold her and say, "I bat-told you so!").

From Mandutu's corpse and his still living wife and WOPR, Starfire learns that the only way to win is not to resort to violence. Although passive resistance has its own problems (like the amount of concussions and dead friends you're going to rack up while somehow continuing to have the will and fortitude to maintain the passive resistance), Starfire learns that it effectively puts the Spotlight On: the monsters abusing their power to hurt, belittle, oppress, and destroy certain people. It's often the only way to disarm the trap the people in power set up. They declare certain people are violent monsters and subsequently use every tactic they can to bait those people into violence. The only way to fight back is to refuse to rise to the occasion so that the world sees through the lies and falsehoods. But the other half of that trap is that before the world sees the lies, the powerful assholes are going to beat ass on a bunch of innocent people just trying to make their lives better. Sure, they fall into their own trap and expose themselves as the monsters but not before a whole lot of innocent people get killed. Still, what choice do the oppressed have?! Aside from rising up and murdering all of the powerful jerks! I guess that's an option but as the last powerful jerk dies, he'll probably cough up some blood and say, "See? I knew you were violent! I win!" Then that asshole dies and maybe nobody cares? I think maybe that's a good ending too?

Starfire, coming from a planet of warriors who punch first and punch questions puncher, sees the power of the people to enact change through non-violence. It's a good use of her character because any other Teen Titans would be all, "Yeah! Duh! I learned about Martin Luther Gandhi too! I totally already knew about this stuff!" But Starfire gets to look confused and be introspective. Maybe she thinks, "Dick Grayson was right! I am a violent jerk!", a few too many times. But it's nice to see her come to respect a view where less violence is better through her own experience instead of being lectured by Dick and Donna.

Teen Titans Spotlight #2: Starfire Rating: B-. This issue wasn't as intriguing as the first one, mostly because it wasted a lot of time on Starfire doing lousy detective work and sitting on a mountain crying about being guilty of murder. But it was still far more satisfying than I expected it to be. There isn't a third part but there should be. It should involve Starfire flying to Superman's home and bothering him non-stop until he fucking does something about this Apartheid bullshit.

Teen Titans Spotlight #1: Starfire

Comics in 1986: "Let's begin our new series with Starfire battling Apartheid!" Asshole Fans in 2019: "Comics should go back to the good old days when they weren't political!"

You may have noticed I changed the name of the comic in the header. That's because I refuse to acknowledge the word "on" followed by the colon. It may be grammatically correct; I have no idea of knowing for sure because I don't give a shit. But it's certainly inelegant. And I'm a fancy lad who has no time for inelegant things.

I know I was shitting all over Comicsgaters in the caption for the cover (and, believe me, they could use more being shit on) but I might just have to side with them for one moment. It's probably a spurious decision that I'll soon regret. But even though I wouldn't have been a fan of Apartheid if I'd known what it was at fifteen (which maybe I did but I'm going to err on the side of me being a self-absorbed ignorant twat), I'm certain I wouldn't have been excited about reading a comic book where Starfire battles it. Not knowing what Apartheid is is probably the only reason I purchased this comic book. Instead of thinking, "Holy shit. This is going to be depressing!", I thought, "Oh! A new villain named Apartheid! Sounds exciting!" And then I read this comic book and learned a little something about how fucked up this terrible world can get.

On the plus side, I immediately went out and helped end Apartheid by purchasing whatever pop song by dozens of artists was created at the time to bring attention to it. Hopefully something like that existed or else I'm going to be caught in a lie here.

Here's the advert on the back cover:

Really, M&M's? Everyone? Haven't you heard about Apartheid?!

So far the craziest thing about this comic book to modern audiences is how boring M&M colors were in 1986.

I suspect I don't have the maturity to comment on a story about Apartheid. Oh well! Let's do this!

The story is called "Black and White" because, you see, Apartheid was about how whites and blacks experienced two disparate South Africas. It's also a play on how "black and white" is a way to describe issues that have easily recognizable positive and negative sides. It's probably racist that we automatically assume the black side is the negative side. Maybe that also plays into the title! Chess pieces are black and white too so maybe the title alludes to chess. Maybe something about pawns versus the gentry. Marv might even work in some bits about The Beatles seeing as how they're using that zebra crossing on the cover of Abbey Road.

Starfire has just returned from Tamaran where she married that dweeby Prince Karras guy. He was Tamaran's version of Terry Long. I'm surprised more panels didn't show Starfire and Donna in the background giggling and holding their index fingers and thumb a teeny, tiny distance apart.

Starfire didn't spend eighth grade on Earth so she never learned Earth geography. So instead of flying in from space and looking at Earth and going, "Okay, that's New York right there!", she winds up in South Africa. I bet she came at Earth upside down and got confused. It's easy to get confused in space where up and down don't exist in any objective way.

Starfire descends upon a group of black people chanting "Informer" at a woman they eventually soak in gasoline and light on fire. Holy fuck! This comic book just got more real than all 114 issues of New Titans I just recently reread! Except maybe that part where Raven raped Starfire during Starfire's wedding. That was pretty heavy.

The white police arrive to commit some justice. Unless I meant "racism" instead of "justice." Sometimes, living in America, it's hard to see the difference.

I bet this guy has a MAGA Twitter account.

How many of your racist family members often bring up black on black crime when discussing gun control or cops shooting unarmed black men? How many of those idiots don't think they're being racist when they bring up that argument and just think they're being logical? It's fucking racism, dudes. Cops killing unarmed black men has nothing to do with black men being killed by criminals who happen to share their same skin color. Nobody ever talks about "white on white" crime. That's just crime perpetuated by criminals against innocent people! But somehow a black person shooting another black person belongs in some kind of special category? Of course a black person is probably going to be the victim of a black criminal because America had this thing called white flight. It caused places to become poor black neighborhoods because white people couldn't handle having even one black neighbor. So people and businesses moved out, local governments ignored infrastructure of those areas (or purposefully simply just built freeways straight through them), and constantly sent the police in to hassle innocent people just trying to live their fucking lives. Systemic racism (and racists!) segregated the races in a fairly efficient manner. So when a black criminal looks for a victim in their neighborhood, of course they're going to almost certainly find a black victim! That's simply crime, not black on black crime. Maybe I would think differently if anybody ever at any time in any of these debates brought up white on white crime. Y'all realize that's the most prevalent crime there is, right? Which means whites are the biggest criminals of all. If you're, you know, going to argue that way, you stupid racist asshole.

Plus saying black on black crime is just a way for people to intimate that most crime is caused by black people. "Even though they keep criming us whites, they still have time to crime up their own people!"

This comic book taught me that South African police would use purple dye in water cannons to stain people during protests so that they can be identified later as people who participated in the riot that totally didn't erupt later due to the police being overly aggressive and also racist. Wolfman says people "affectionately" called it Purple Rain which led me down a rabbit hole to figure out which came first, the racist ploy to arrest as many people as possible or the Prince album. Apparently the dyed water was named after the Prince album. That's probably why it was an "affectionate" sobriquet.

I'm a little bit worried that Wolfman is about to "both sides" Apartheid.

Starfire winds up with the South African police who tell her all about how terrible South African blacks are and how she's going to get a medal for helping quell the protest. They also call the woman who burned to death a bitch so I'm getting the feeling that they're not really interested in any kind of justice or peace. It's quite possible that — hear me out on this — they just want to oppress the black citizens and make sure they know their place. But I don't want to jump to conclusions! I should wait until I hear their arguments in a frank and logical debate. "Please, white South Africans, explain to me how South Africa needs your violent tactics and racist attitudes to maintain peace and order. Also explain how peace and order aren't different from justice for everybody. I might be convinced to stop calling you racist if you debate well!"

This guy doesn't realize how true it is that he's teaching these black South Africans how to behave.

It would have been easy to read this, at one time, from a privileged position as a citizen of America and think that the white South Africans in this story were caricatures of racist monsters, playing up their terrible qualities to get the reader to sympathize with the plight of the black South Africans. But these caricatures of despicable and horrible systemic racism using tactics to dehumanize a segment of the population are absolute mirrors of Trump and his deplorables. "They're animals." "They're not like us." "They do not think." "They are like children." "They fight amongst themselves." "We are just securing the peace." "This is God's country." "They need to be taught how to behave." "Their flagrant disregard for the law must be stopped." And all of these statements are simply excuses to treat certain people as less than human. "They get what they deserve."

I'm so fucking disappointed in so many Americans right now.

Starfire is completely confused by everything she's seeing. In her confusion, some journalists get her to sort of say she's for Apartheid. Uh oh! The Teen Titans are going to get worse press than when they destroyed New York City while arguing with their parents about their curfew.

Starfire's response is me on Twitter every fucking day.

The South African leader, Racist McRacisthole, tells Starfire not to worry about the journalists because they're always asking terrible questions and lying about how awful everything is. But Starfire is all, "Just because I have big hair and big tits and my ass is hanging out, don't think I'm a fucking idiot! Not that I'm trying to say people who look like that are idiots! But I know terrible people like you, Mr. Racisthole, think like that! So I just want you to know that I see you! I see what you're doing and how you're trying to snow me with all this fucking dehumanizing garbage! You remind me of the Gordanians!" Then Starfire gets so angry and delivers such a passionate speech that her nose falls off.

"I'b not gobing do libben do yub liebs aby lobber!"

Starfire declares she never cared for politics and tells Governor Racisthole that she's leaving. But instead of going, "Good! Stop interfering with our terrible government!", he says, "I won't let you leave which will probably cause you to stay and help the oppressed!"

Starfire hears a prisoner screaming in pain before she leaves and decides to stick around to help him. While doing so, she realizes that maybe she show these government officials real power! No, I don't mean she's going to flash her tits. Jesus. Some of you comic book nerds just don't stop, do you?! Sure, DC panders to your boners by putting Starfire in her underwear. But you do have the choice to stop being such creepy little fucks, you know?

Imagine reading this and instead of thinking, "You tell 'em, Starfire! Way to go!", you think, "Virtue signaler."

Starfire has some more thoughts from 1986 for us here in 2019. She just won't stop!

Virtue signaler!

I swear the rest of this commentary can just be scans of Starfire saying important shit.

I mean, if this 1986 comic book is an example of older comics that Comicsgaters want to go back to, I'm fucking up for that shit.

In the next panel that I'm not going to scan because I'll never finish reading this comic book if I scan every fucking panel, Starfire says, "Unwittingly, my father helped ruin our world by caving in to our enemies rather than fighting for what was right. I won't do that here on Earth. I've got to care." I should probably send that panel to Nancy Pelosi.

Starfire frees all of the political prisoners and escorts them back to where they're forced to live outside the city. She tries to figure out what Apartheid means and Father Nelson Mandutu, the rebel leader the police have been searching for, tells her, "Ah, I see — you are trying to make sense of madness." It's as good a reason to dismiss people always pressing you to debate their terrible ideas and worthless topics. How can you win a debate against twisted logic and racist madness? Just ignore them when they call you a coward or an elitist when you refuse to debate. I was always taught that the best way to get shit off of your shoe is to scrape it off, not to get in an argument with it.

Starfire follows Mandutu around for the day except for the one moment when he's kidnapped. When she goes to rescue him, she destroys an armory and discovers that Father Mandutu has been killed. BY HER! And there are cameras rolling! Totally not suspicious or anything!

I bet we discover she was framed next issue! That's the kind of intelligent speculation you get from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader like me. I can't be fooled even by the most subtle of plot twists!

Teen Titans Spotlight #1: Starfire Rating: A. I should probably apologize to Marv Wolfman for all the insults I've made about his Teen Titans books. This was a well-written infotainment issue putting precisely the right character at the heart of an international travesty. And I thought a story about Apartheid was going to be boring! It's almost as if I forgot that every panel would have tons of side boob! Oh no! I just realized I'm one of those creepy little fucks!

Starfire #12

Remember when all of these things happened?!

The Review or Whatever!
• This issue begins with Starfire's Vagina being more self-aware than she ever was when she was a member of the Titans.

• If writers could be bothered to think up better motivations for bad guys than "Let's kill the heroes who are an impediment to doing the crimes we never do because we're always just trying to kill the heroes!", maybe Starfire's Vagina wouldn't have this issue.

• I spent all day yesterday watching 1970s Celebrity Bowling on Decades TV. I'm willing to admit that if they were still running it today, I wouldn't be reading this comic book right now. I recorded several episodes featuring Charles Nelson Reilly which aired while I was at work and I am never deleting them from the DVR.

• Starfire's Vagina uses the phrase "I am truly blessed" and now I have to clean vomit off the cat. Sorry, Pelafina.

• The story is almost about Starfire's Vagina taking a shower but it's unpleasantly hijacked by a PSA on Multiple Sclerosis. The more you know, the more I don't give a fuck!

• I want to say I remember a time when people actually did real things instead of just feeling raising awareness and inspiring people were enough but I don't remember those times at all. I think those were in the 50s or something.

• After the PSA, there just isn't any room to include Starfire's Vagina's shower. Well poop. Way to go, Multiple Sclerosis! You've finally found a way to affect my life too! Now I see why everybody wants to cure it!

• Starfire's Vagina kidnaps a dolphin from the aquarium. I mean, she liberates a dolphin from the aquarium. I forgot I'm an animal lover more than a capitalist for a second there! Fuck aquariums! Down with the man! Suck off a dolphin!

• Starfire's Vagina soon discovers she has no job, no boyfriend, no place to stay, and the sheriff thinks she's a danger to the community. Since everybody suddenly has an aversion to Starfire's Vagina, she decides it's time to leave Key West. But first she throws a beach picnic for all of her new friends whom she will probably never see again once she joins the Teen Titans. Not because she'll be busy fighting crime but because she'll be busy fighting statutory rape charges due to banging Damian.

• Starfire's Vagina invites Atlee's Butthole to come with her but Atlee's Butthole's home is in Key West. Atlee's Butthole will probably be forgotten by everybody but me!

• *

• Superman's Machismo stops by to tell Kori he'll help her get settled with a group of superheroes whenever she's ready to leave Key West. He knows this really sour guy with a dangerous kid who might have a position open in a new super group he's forming!

Starfire #11

I find John Romita Jr's covers boring and I'm upset that my comic book store gave me so many of them.

The Review!
This comic book is like belly button lint. I can live with or without it. Sometimes it just sits there and I don't even care it's there and sometimes it provides me a moment's pleasure as I pick it out and give it a sniff. Some people might be more into belly button lint than I am, so they might appreciate this comic book more than me. It's not bad but it's the kind of comic book that winds up at the bottom of the stack each week because I'm not super interested in what happens.

The Commentary
In this issue, Starfire accidentally procreates with an overly sexually aggressive chipmunk-man whose species only lives for two days (which is why he's so insistent about getting his penis in something (I mean, getting the top of his head rubbed (if you get my meaning (actually, you don't have to 'get my meaning' because I meant it literally)))). That's the kind of wacky hi-jinks that take place in the monthly Starfire series. I should also mention, since it's cropped up in the zeitgeist again and since I'm one of the few reviewers I know of who constantly mentions it anyway, Sweaty Grabbyhandza...I mean, Eddie Berganza is the group editor of this comic book and he's almost certainly a serial sexual harasser. I wonder if somebody rubbed the top of his head, his back would explode with spawn and he'd keel over dead? Has anybody tried it?

Don't think of them as babies. Think of them as tomorrow's crop of sex offenders. And I mean "tomorrow" literally since these things will be dead by the day after tomorrow.

Starfire is worried that the life she's living and enjoying will one day be Rebooted and she'll lose it all. Ha ha! It will!

Starfire learns that she's a dangerous pest that is making life in Key West unsafe for everybody. At least that's what Stella tells her. Although Stella isn't wrong because the Teen Titans have a history of making things around them unsafe while never actually helping anybody ever. They're the worst.

Starfire decides to leave Key West for the safety of everybody living there. But then she decides to stay because Key West is having a ten day long party called Fantasy Fest. So her belief that leaving is the safest thing for everybody is only as strong as her desire to have a good time. It's good to know she still has the heart of a Titan.

Starfire #10

This orgy does not take place until next issue. What a rip-off!

Rating: No change.

If you're looking for a comic book where the main character saves the day while also getting naked occasionally and also in her underwear occasionally and often talks about fucking everything, this is the comic book for you! It also sounds like the comic book for me except it isn't. Perhaps if it were a bit more Heavy Metally! As it is, it's just a lot of innuendo and stray wisps of smoke or bright light hiding all the most exciting bits of Starfire's body. Oh! I just realized what kind of monthly periodical is more for me than this: Penthouse!

Starfire #9

Neal Adams helps us remember that old comic books were fucking crazy.

Rating: No change.

I could discuss Starfire or I could discuss how, at some point in the past (I think it was the day that Barack Obama was first elected), Republicans decided that the best way to do their job was to refuse to do their job. One of those topics makes me want to masturbate and the other one of those topics makes me want to engage in angry sodomy. Sodomy is such a good word. It's like somebody was all, "Hey, let's fuck!" And the other person was all, "You're not being clear enough. Which hole are we talking about?" And the other person was all, "Oh, you know, whatever you got that isn't the hole god intended to have a penis stuck in." And the other person was all, "So should we call that something else?" And the other person said, "Sure! How about sodomy as in 'so, do my other holes make you horny?'" And then the other person said, "Hey! Let's engage in sodomy!" And the other person was all, "You're not being clear enough. Which hole are we talking about?"

It's possible with all this attitude of refusing to do their jobs, Republicans are just admitting that they need managers. Can we put in a fourth branch of government: Middle Managers? Let's start voting in managers to keep the Republicans doing their job or else they can be fired by the person we voted to keep them on task. I vote for a bunch of nineteen year old fast food managers who just recently began to feel the sweet tang of power!

I wonder why god killed Antonin Scalia anyway? That god sure works in mysterious ways! You'd think god would have kept him alive forever since he was doing so much of god's work in the Supreme Court! You'd think with the power to punish all of the gays with so many natural disasters, god could at least keep Antonin Scalia alive for another twenty years to keep his awful agenda thriving in the Supreme Court! Maybe god isn't as powerful as all those closeted, self-hating gay men want me to believe!

Sorry for not talking about Starfire. But I masturbated four pages in because all the women had such perky tits and then I lost interest in it completely.

Starfire #8

You know you would get more entertainment value out of Dick if you'd stop referring to him as Grayson, DC Comics.

Rating: No change. This comic book should have been twenty pages of sex. Instead, it is twenty pages of no sex. Not a drop! It has less sex than the first twenty-seven years of my life! You know how hard it is to write something with less sex than that?! I assure you, it's quite difficult. But this issue managed it.

I guess Dick is going around the DC Youniverse clearing up all of his past relationships so that he can start banging Helena without any complications. Unless he starts banging Midnighter. Either way's cool.

Starfire #7

Am I the only one who thinks dirty thoughts when I see Starfire's index finger glinting?

I don't have any thoughtful things to say about the death of David Bowie. I never needed him. Just like I never needed Kurt Cobain. Or whomever people laud because they inspired people to be themselves. I suppose if Gonzo the Great ever dies, I'll break down and become the same kind of mess as fans of Bowie and Cobain. I do wish I could have appreciated David Bowie more but I just don't feel intense connections to people I don't know. Or people I do know. I do feel that with cats though! I was sad to hear that he died in a way that was more sad than when I usually hear a celebrity dies because I think we, the public, knew him more than one can usually know a celebrity. He did what he did not because of a well though out public relations plan to garner as much of an audience as possible to increase his wealth. He did what he did because that's what he was going to do no matter how many people fell in love with it. It's why I mentioned Cobain as well. They're artists that I didn't need and never fell in love with but I can appreciate from a distance. There's still a chance I'll fall in love with David Bowie sometime in the future and be incredibly sad that I didn't feel the same thing when he was alive. It's happened before with Walt Whitman (except for the part about him ever being alive while I was alive. It's just I never needed him and then, one day, I found a large percentage of what he wrote makes me weep). I don't think it will ever happen with Kurt Cobain. Lemmy wasn't on the list either (although he might be closer to my true hero, Gonzo, than any of the others). But there's a definite chance it'll happen with David. "Starman" and "Life on Mars?" are already indelibly printed on the earworm of my brain thanks to Walk Hard and American Horror Story: Freak Show. And I once wrote a parody of "Space Oddity" for one person, my friend Doom Bunny, whose brother once stuck him in a garbage can when he was little. You might already be seeing the parallels there.

In memory of David Bowie, this commentary will just be an hour of silence. So leave the page open for an hour and shut the fuck up.

Okay, you know what? That's probably a bad idea. Maybe I'll just say "fuck" less than I usually do.

Previously in Starfire, she made out with a dolphin and now she can speak it's language. Lucky dolphin.

That's a lousy fucking definition of time, you ignorant strumpet!

I'm not using "strumpet" as an insult in the previous caption but just as a factual noun that is based in fact and is a noun. Ignorant is sort of an insult but mostly justified in that she defined time as "a thing that prevents everything from happening at once." How could everything happen at once simply because time didn't exist? I mean, I'm not going to orgasm at the same time I stick my dick in somebody's mouth? No wait. That's usually exactly what happens. I'm sure I can think of a better analogy but I'm bored with this train of thought now. Let's move on to the next step in the logical progression of cause and effect which is changing the fucking subject.

Sol is in the Dolphin Friend Zone! Which isn't the worst place to be positioned in Starfire's life because she did suck face with the dolphin already.

Who thought "sucking face" was a good description of kissing? I bet one of the Universal Monsters coined it, right? Maybe the Creature from the Black Lagoon?

Starfire misunderstands some more English because she's cute and innocent but also provides complete sexual satisfaction which is what all heterosexual guys really want. They want a woman whose personality they can ignore while projecting their own idealized personality onto the woman while the woman performs lots of nasty sex deeds to their body like, um, touching the water willy or readjusting his faulty stabilizers. Heterosexual women might also want that but I wouldn't know because I almost always simply hear what I want to hear when a heterosexual woman is speaking to me. Although I think woman just want a guy who is able to take care of himself and also has a satisfying cock that works perfectly with her vagina. Although sometimes the cock part of the deal is so good that women will put up with a guy who obviously needs a mother. And a car. And a job. On the plus side, he'll already own the video game system and probably the bong.

Starfire and Sol are headed out to dinner on a sunset cruise ship. Also on that ship? Some spy! The reason the spy is important? Dick Grayson is after him! Uh oh! It looks like Dick is going to get in the way of another woman's sex life! He previously ruined Barbara Gordon's deflowering when he crashed Alysia's wedding. Now he's going to spoil Sol's chance at dolphin sex.

Uh-oh! Now Starfire knows how to speak "playa"!

Sol likes to think about his dead wife when he makes out with hot aliens which seems a little weird. Maybe he doesn't like to do that but his brain makes him do that anyway. It probably has something to do with mourning although I don't regularly think of my dead cat Judas when I masturbate. Yes, the "regularly" in that sentence is important.

All hell breaks loose thanks to Dick Grayson and the spies he was spying on. It's confusing because I think the artist screwed up and made Dick in disguise get on the getaway boat when he really didn't. Unless I'm just terrible at reading comic books which I don't think I am or else why would somebody have given me the title of Grandmaster Comic Book Reader.

"Somebody" includes "me" so it's accurate.

Starfire recognizes Dick even while he's using his Hypnos so they're probably going to fuck. I remember a time when the New 52 was new and I was really excited to find out how Dick and Kory knew each other and what kind of relationship they had and how many different positions they used. But now all of that has worn off like the hymen on a man's ass after a drunken night in a San Francisco Turkish bathhouse. Some of that previous statement might have a few factual errors but you still might understand the sentiment.

Starfire helps Dick retrieve the briefcase he was after by floating above him while she watches him fight and fingers her clutch purse.

It's called "having an orgasm." I think.

Starfire blows Dick. Stupid period. You don't belong there! Stop ruining my sentences for a cheap laugh! Hmph. As I was trying to say, Starfire blows Dick's Spyral mission by destroying the gadget he was after. It was something that could be used as a weapon so she did the right thing. Dick knows she did he just doesn't want to get the kind of tongue lashing he's going to get from Matron that is different than the kind of tongue lashing he wants to get from the Matron. You know the kind! The kind that involves his butthole!

And then Starfire and Dick Grayson decide to relive their Marv Wolfman days.

But...you know...with better writers.

Starfire #7 Rating: +1 Ranking. Let's face it: sex sells. I think. Is that really true? I mean, I know it sells in places like Las Vegas and Reno and Tijuana. But does it really sell products that have nothing to do with sex at all? Why would people see a commercial for golf balls that stars two men fucking in the shower in the club locker room and think, "Yes! I need Titleist!"? Maybe I should stick to saying things I know are true instead of cliches like "sex sells." Although if I only wrote true things, my commentaries would simply be the name of the comic book and one sentence that reads "Scott Lobdell's writing is awful." Would posts like that, two to three times per day, hold anybody's interest for very long? I for one can't get enough reminders of how horrible Scott Lobdell's writing ability is! I wonder if somebody sells a 365 day calendar of that?

Starfire #6

Remember the good old days when cartoons about rapey skunks were appropriate for all ages? I really miss those days.

Pepe le Pew wasn't actually a rapist. He suffered from a mental illness (unless it was a fetish?) that caused him to only be attracted to females who weren't attracted to him. It's also possible he was simply addicted to huffing paint which is why he only ever chased that cat that was always getting white paint all over it. Also he was French which makes being overly sensual okay for some reason.

I just realized something about Pepe le Pew that I never thought about before! Was making him a skunk and a Frenchman a comment about their extreme body odor?!

This issue begins with a flashback. Sol's Penis is remembering his wife, Maria's Nostalgia. It is hard to remember all of the characters in this book because the men all look like Dick Grayson. Maybe I am face-blind when it comes to men because I am not sexually attracted to them. My mind is all, "There are no boobies attached to that face. Next." The flashback is about the last time Sol's Penis ever kissed Maria's Nostalgia. Then she went out into the ocean and drowned.

Back in the present, Starfire's Vagina is punching Soren's Boner because he hurt Sol's Penis. That's a mouthful! Wink, wink!

How come I have never been invited to an orgy? Do people have dip at orgies? I want some dip.

As Starfire's Vagina holds Soren's Boner's head underwater, she telepathically receives more of his memories. All of them are about murdering people. But he does it on accident! Well, not really on accident. But not on purpose, anyway. See, he has a brain tumor and I think that's enough explanation for that. He can also cure cancer magically by storing it in his brain tumor!

I do not think Sol's Penis got consent to put his mouth on Soren's Boner.

Meanwhile that Alien's Anatomy whose name I cannot remember has come to Earth to kill Starfire's Vagina. He will probably be unsuccessful at that but he will probably succeed at interrupting Starfire's Vagina's mating ritual with Sol's Penis. I cannot wait for that scene because Starfire's Vagina will probably do a lot of that thing where she imagines figurative sayings literally. I wish I knew more dirty sex sayings so I could guess what she might imagine but the filthiest sex phrase I know is "Missionary Position."

This time she knows exactly what she is saying.

Alien's Anatomy decides to attack Starfire's Vagina as she is stuffing pancakes into herself. Hopefully defeating this guy does not remind Starfire's Vagina of home because I do not want to read about another journey to Tamaran. Those trips are always the worst. Especially when they are written by Marv Wolfman or Scott Lobdell.

The battle ends quickly because Starfire's Vagina does not take shit from anybody. She wipes the floor with the bounty hunter (front to back, of course!).

Ha ha! For once, she is not taking a phrase literally! She is so crazy.

Starfire's Vagina puts the bounty hunter back on his ship and into his sleep tank then sets the ship's course for somewhere else. Whew! That was close! Starfire's Vagina recognized the ship as being from Tamaran but she resisted the temptation to visit home! She's starting her life over and part of that is, hopefully, never again thinking of Tamaran!

While Starfire's Vagina sends the ship back into space, Dick Grayson's Perfect Ass arrives at the airport and immediately thinks, "Oh hey! My sex-girlfriend lives here! Porn music noise! Also 'sex-girlfriend' is a portmanteau of 'sexy' and 'ex-girlfriend' in case that was confusing or anybody listening to me thought I was merely referring to Starfire's Vagina as being a sex toy and not the passionate and intelligent vagina that she truly is."

Starfire #6 Rating: No change. This comic book was not about a horny skunk trying to have sex with Starfire because she accidentally got a white stripe painted down her ass. I was quite disappointed. It also could have been about Starfire pursuing Pepe le Pew because his head caught on fire and Starfire mistook him for a Tamaranean male! Also his head probably didn't need to be on fire for Starfire to want to have sex with Pepe. She is so horny. I think the 1985 Who's Who entry on Starfire looks like this:

Real Name: Koriand'r
Occupation: Sex
Marital Status: Sex
Known Relatives: That Blackfire whore
Group Affiliation: Sex
Base of Operations: Bedroom (or wherever)
First Appearance: Sexpots of Space #68
Height: Lying down Weight: Reverse Cowgirl
Eyes: Intense Contact During Oral Hair: Full of semen

History
Boy does Starfire like sex! Like, really really likes sex! A lot!

Powers & Weapons
Sex! Have you not been paying attention?!

Starfire #5

Under the sea! Starfire's Vagina is better when she is wetter! Take it from me!

Starfire's Vagina is currently on a mating ritual with Dick Grayson Look-a-like. Starfire's Vagina is all, "I am very literal because that is always a totally hilarious way to seem innocent and adorable. Especially when it is coming out of the sexiest body in the DC Youniverse. I am the epitome of the child-woman that every man secretly wants but only Japanese men admit to." Dick Grayson Look-a-like is all, "I do not know how to say things which will not wind up being misunderstood." And Starfire's Vagina is all, "Where do you wind up the misunderstanding? I do not see a key anywhere at all?"

I hate people who give cheesy prepackaged toasts.

Starfire's Vagina says her own toast she learned about women in thong underwear. Then she has to ask about thong underwear instead of doing that thing where she imagines a picture of a naked woman with a sandal shoved into her privates. Dick Grayson Look-a-like's Boner is all, "Hello! I'd like to make a toast! To honor! Once you're on her, stay on her! BOOOOOIIIIINNNGGGG! Woop! Woop woop woop woop wooop!"

Dick Grayson's Look-a-like's Boner is too much to type every time so I should probably just call him by his real name: Soren's Boner.

Starfire's Vagina touches Soren's Boner and he accidentally shares a memory with her telepathically. Starfire's Vagina finds that Soren's Boner is a doctor who has magic cancer healing powers! But the magic cancer healing powers are killing Soren's Boner! And they're sending him into psychotic rages where he murders people on cruise lines or beats the crap out of people trying to help him or forces him to carjack people and hide their bodies in the trunk. Maybe some of those aren't due to the tumor growing in his brain and are just things he occasionally likes to do to relieve stress or to get a free vehicle.

Soren's Boner gets embarrassed because Starfire's Vagina saw too much and he runs away just as Atlee's Butthole arrives. Atlee's Butthole thinks that Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill should be told all about Soren's Boner but Starfire's Vagina doesn't want to get a potential sex partner in trouble with the law. So instead Starfire's Vagina just swims naked and thinks about spelunking up Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill's ass.

It's not obscene to show the inside of an asshole? Because I'm super turned on now!

Some other stuff happens that probably doesn't matter. Like a new character named Kragg Gorn Kee is introduced and he's a total psycho maniac bad-ass but also a family man. Also he might not be a new character but fuck if I've ever heard of him. Then Starfire's Vagina gives birth to a baby whistling star and sets it free. The next morning she gets dressed for a job interview but it's for an aquarium and not for a strip club so she isn't allowed to dress however she wants. Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill tells Starfire's Vagina a bunch of lies about men and boobs. She's all, "You have to hide your breasts or else men will act dumb!" That is so stupid. Do not hide your breasts on my account, women. I am all for shirts that do not cover the breasts. I will act very smart around exposed boobs! I will also masturbate in private later thinking about how awesome they were. Although if I saw lots and lots of different boobs every day, I'd probably find them mundane and not titillating at all! Eventually we'll get to a place where it's just as normal for women to go topless as it is for men. But there will be an interim period where men are masturbating a whole lot more than they already are. I'd rather see more exposed butts. But only fit butts! Please put on some clothing if your butt isn't fit because if I see it I will expect you to apologize to me because it's practically like stepping on my toes. And you all know how that goes! If you offend me for any reason, it's your fault and you'd better apologize, gross butt person!

At her interview, Starfire's Vagina doesn't answer the questions to the employer's satisfaction. She is all, "I have no experience or visa or social security number or work history or humanity." And he is all, "Would you like to see the dolphins?" I hope Starfire's Vagina kisses a dolphin so she can learn their language!

That dolphin's mouth is all over Starfire's Vagina! Also it's a female dolphin so that makes it even sexier. If you're a guy. Or a lesbian. Or a woman who wants guys to think she's wild. Or a dolphin.

The employer is ecstatic that Starfire's Vagina can speak dolphin now that she's made face with it. Is that a sexy make out saying? "Made face"? Anyway, the aquarium guy wants to hire Starfire's Vagina immediately so that she can kiss all of the aquatic animals in the place!

Later, Starfire's Vagina attends a party where Sol's Penis cannot stop staring at her. Rave's Libido can't stop staring at Sol's Penis. I don't remember who Rave's Libido is but she's another attractive person. Only attractive people live in Key West unless they're a responsible man and then they can look goofy and bald and chubby. Maybe older woman can look, um, "authentic" as well. But if you're young and female in Key West, you must be the sexiest person alive. Most of the young men are hot and sexy too but I had to ask a woman who was passing by if they were hot and/or sexy because I'm a full blown man who can't tell those kinds of things. Sometimes my penis twitches when a hot guy passes by but that's only because I'm thinking about the hot women he gets to have sex with.

Why is Starfire's Vagina not imagining a party pooping?

When Kori's Vagina gets back to her place, she finds Sol's Penis in a pool of blood and Soren's Boner sitting next to him. I'm glad that battle happened off panel!

Starfire #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I used to constantly imagine everything I read as a video game. And this was back when video games mostly sucked so my imagined games were way past the cutting edge of actual games. One game I imagined playing that wasn't based on anything I read was one where I was the last person on Earth and all you did in the game was break into abandoned houses and rummage through other people's things. That would be a really fun game. But I think this Starfire comic book would be a fun game as well. You would live in Key West fighting the occasional weird thing that happens but on your down time, you would try to get a job, drink a lot, have as much sex as possible as your landlord clucked her tongue at you, and had to earn experience to recognize things like forks and potato peelers. Although let's be honest. I, at least, would probably just strip Starfire down to her underwear and try to bang everybody I met. Come to think of it, that's all this comic book should be about! It's okay right now but that would really bring it up to the level of something like V for Vendetta or Elfquest.

Starfire #4

I can't wait to see what kind of wacky hijinks Starfire's vagina gets up to this issue.

Last issue, Starfire's Vagina met a new friend from the Underworld named Atlee's Butthole. She's a superhero too! But she has lived in the dark all of her life while Starfire's Vagina has lived in the sun her entire life! So they're complete opposites! I hope they become roommates so that they can constantly argue about the correct way to live in an apartment with another person. Starfire's Vagina will be all, "We must keep the shades up all of the time, especially when we are disrobing or walking naked out of the shower!" And Atlee's Butthole will be all, "We must always turn off all of the lights and never open any windows ever and also maybe dig a hole in the backyard to sleep in." Along with Starfire's Vagina's inability to comprehend anything, the comic book will become the most hilarious sit-comic book ever! I'm also hoping for a crazy love triangle between Atlee's Butthole, Starfire's Vagina, and Sol's Penis.

Currently the Best Friends From Opposite Ends are battling a subterranean monster called a Chida. It grows bigger any time it is hit with a starbolt so Starfire's Vagina is completely useless against it. But Atlee's Butthole might have some tricks up its sleeve!

Atlee's Butthole has a nice set of sleeves.

The Chida Monster has been sent to kill Atlee's Butthole because she refused to marry for political reasons. Atlee's Butthole is all, "What kind of cheap floozy would marry somebody she didn't love when the person she truly loved was standing right next to her begging her not to get married? Okay, maybe not begging exactly but looking super miserable while his mute friend with the huge sideburns looked on and signed, 'You stupid fucking asshole! Speak up already! Stop this travesty of a ceremony! Stop being such a spineless jerk and tell your true love how you feel!' Could you imagine how much pain that trampy tart would cause to her lover and all of her friends back home?! I could never do something so despicable!" But the Chida Monster just shrugs and continues to try to kill her because he doesn't understand love and probably never will because he's a monster and only Belle loves monsters and she's already married.

Atlee's Butthole creates a giant fist out of rock which throws the Chida Monster many miles to the west where Starfire's Vagina is waiting to catch it so that she can drown it in the Big Gulp of Mexico. Once Atlee's Butthole expels the Chida Monster from Key West, she explains her origin story to Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill.

Atlee's Butthole came from an underground kingdom to wag her finger at humans and tell them to stop ruining the Earth. She lived with Power Girl's Boobs for awhile which explains the Boob Window in her costume. But Power Girl's Boobs wasn't human herself, so Atlee's Butthole moved to Key West where it could barely survive by working as a waitress, leaving her no time to wag her finger at the humans.

Meanwhile, Starfire's Vagina shoots the Chida Monster until it grows too big to swim and sinks it to the bottom of the ocean and even lower because it lands in a crack in the ground. The story is only halfway over though. So I guess now Starfire's Vagina can have some hilarious misunderstandings because her grasp of English isn't as good as her grasp of doing it.

Oh Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill!

Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill is probably just scared that Atlee's Butthole is going to steal the Sheriff's new best friend, Starfire's Vagina. I'm sure she doesn't have to worry since Starfire's Vagina has enough love to accept everyone into her warm embrace (especially Sol's Penis!).

Oh! I forgot there was another plot thread lying around the island. The evil Dick Grayson Look-a-like who killed the crew of a cruise ship is up to no good which is a bad thing because people in Key West hate having to deal with not good things. It's practically why they live there. He kidnaps some guy for probably nefarious and possibly sexy purposes with his hypnotism powers. And that's all the time this issue has for Evil Dick Grayson! Now it's time to look at Starfire's Vagina and Atlee's Butthole in their bikinis.

Sol's Penis is probably going to steal some of Starfire's Vagina's underwear.

Meanwhile on Tamaran, Komand'r has hired an interstellar tracker to find her sister, Koriand'r's Vagina. Sheriff McBuzzkill will probably not like that.

Back in Key West, Starfire's Vagina tries to shower with Sol's Penis, eats a Philly Cheesesteak for the first time, runs into Handy Man Eye Candy, and possibly ruins Handy Man Eye Candy's relationship with his girlfriend. It's all done quite innocently because Starfire's Vagina doesn't know any better (which is the best way to not know things). Finally she meets Evil Dick Grayson who introduces himself as Soren which is a good thing because I forgot his name. He offers Starfire's Vagina a beer which Atlee's Butthole informed Starfire's Vagina last issue was a mating ritual. I hope that means next issue will be twenty pages of adult material!

Starfire #4 Rating: No change. This comic book is absolutely beautiful. The characters are all gorgeously rendered. The backgrounds are never lacking in detail. The colors are vibrant. The letters are all placed in the correct order so that I can read the words they represent. It's worth the cover price just to look at it. The writing is doing everything I need a comic book writer to do and I can't complain. The cast of characters is diverse and interesting. Plot threads are lying all over the place waiting to be picked up. And I suppose if you're willing to forget how long Starfire has actually been on Earth and how much she should have already picked up by now, Starfire is a likeable fish-out-of-water character, even if she comes off as a little dumber than she probably is. She's sweet and friendly. She's innocent not in the way you'd think of a child being innocent but in the way that she isn't restrained by cultural mores or guilt. She's not quick to see malice in anybody's actions and she's eager to help. Even if this Starfire has some characteristics that could be seen as flaws by long time fans of the character, I think it's refreshing to have a non-grim, non-angry, non-macho-bullshit super hero that sees the kindness in people and just wants to help her new community.

Starfire #3

I hope that monster loves to eat clothes.

Starfire's Vagina is busy trying to find sexual partners in Key West. So far, she's been unsuccessful because her friend, Sheriff Prudish McBuzzkill, stopped her from ruining Handy Man Eye Candy, and the other guy Starfire wanted to deprave is still mourning his dead wife. But not to fear, Starfire's Vagina! A new male character that looks suspiciously like Dick Grayson has just been rescued at sea! His name is Soren Hook's Penis and I bet he's going to be really pleased to meet you!

Holey Moses does he talk sexy! I think my butt just popped a boner!

Soren Hook's Penis is actually a bad guy with some kind of mind-control powers. I don't think that's a dealbreaker for Starfire's Vagina. Being an alien who doesn't even realize that cats and dogs aren't born from the sky in terribly rainy weather, Starfire's Vagina is allowed to make mistakes like depraving evil lunatics and murderers. She can just say, "Oh, did I do that?!" Then the studio audience will laugh and laugh because she didn't know any better! Although I don't remember Balki's catchphrase when he made a mistake due to being super foreign so I used Steve Urkel's catchphrase instead. That probably didn't confuse anybody, right?

Starfire's Vagina is helping Sheriff McBuzzkill's Brother Sol's Penis clean up after the hurricane. Starfire's Vagina points out that a race of gnomes were some of the earliest explorers in the galaxy which must be why Earth's garden gnome statues love to travel so much. Another reason Earth's garden gnome statues love to travel so much is because a lot of Earthlings who think they're unique and awesome and fun-loving crazy whackos saw Amelie and decided they were going to be super unique snowflakes by copying something from a movie that they found adorable and quirky. The only punk rock gnome travel agents are those that inspired the writer of Amelie to use it in his movie. After that, stealing garden gnomes and sending them on trips became so derivative and lame that a traveling gnome is now a sidekick of a corporation that thinks they're hip and groovy.

Next, Starfire's Vagina learns about Hemingway's cats which is more interesting than learning about Hemingway's writings. Although Sol's Penis doesn't mention how much Hemingway loved to let his six-toed cats knead his penis area. That might be a lie I made up in my imagination after being told it by Dave Sim. Although it could have come from Gertrude Stein! I should write a pilot for a sitcom about Ernest and Gertrude sharing an apartment in Paris. And maybe Pablo could live upstairs in the spare room!

Starfire's Vagina needs to find a job to cover her bills now that she has a place to stay. Key West should pay her simply for protecting them and walking around the island looking beautiful. But first I guess the island needs something to protect it from! That's where the monster from the cover and Soren Hook's Penis come into play!

Ha ha! She knows so little!

Starfire's Vagina decides to go into town to shop for more food she doesn't know how to eat. Luckily, Key West is full of Penises that want to help her learn about carrots and sweet potatoes. Starfire's Vagina must not have eaten very well while living with Jason Todd's Penis and Roy Harper's Penis (get it?! That was a size joke as well as just the beginning of my sentence!) because she doesn't know anything about food. She thinks a pineapple is an apple with a pine tree growing out of it! Ha ha! Oh, Balki's Vagina! You're too much!

Starfire's Vagina and her friend Sheriff Stella investigate the cruise ship that picked up the Dick Grayson wannabe. This is the part of the story that gets exciting if you didn't blow all of your excitement over the part where the two young people were eaten by a monster under the sand at the beach or over the part where Starfire's Vagina wears the really short skirt.

"Why would someone...?" You just spent a few years with two someones who would...?! You even wanted to that time with the slave trader guy who the other someones talked you out of woulding and then woulded him themselves!

At this point, I think Starfire's Vagina fans have got to accept that she has a severe problem with memory loss. It definitely helps explain a lot of her time in Red Hood and the Outlaws! I think Starfire's Vagina should go see a neurosurgeon.

Sheriff Stella sends Starfire's Vagina off to relax at a restaurant called The Blue Monkey while she investigates the murders on the cruise ship. At the restaurant, everybody stares at Starfire's Vagina and falls completely in love with her. Even the cat and the fat guy and the comb-over dude and the bartender!

Yeah! What if Starfire's Vagina wants to act on it immediately?! Don't you dare tell her she shouldn't! Don't you dare tell any woman that she shouldn't act on depraved urges immediately and forthwith and on the spot! Please, please, please do not control your urges simply because it might send an inappropriate message! My Penis is begging you!

When the waitress tries to explain how one night stands are perceived by all the prudes, she mentions she is from "way south, south" of Key West. Where is she from South of Key West with alabaster skin like that?! Antarctica?

Starfire's Vagina's new friend, Atlee, turns out to be from below the Earth's surface. The monster from the cover is a creature from her subterranean homeworld which grows when it absorbs any kind of power, especially a starbolt. Atlee is also a superhero! Now Starfire's Vagina can have a superfriend with benefits! Oh man! That's the new cartoon show I want. Superfriends With Benefits! I can't wait to see what Apache Chief says to make just his penis grow.

Starfire #3 Rating: +1 Ranking. It's cute and stuff. And I just can't get enough of her misunderstandings! When she pictured the handle on the guy's head because he inexplicably said his "handle was Ezra"?! So hilariously non-contrived! Just like something that would happen in real life! Especially with a guy like Ezra with a mustache like that. He'd totally say his "handle." The only thing this comic book needs is more graphic depictions of sex. Just the one wasn't enough for me.

Starfire #2

Remember back in the 80s when this comic book was called Perfect Strangers?

Sometimes I watch bad movies. Sometimes I watch really bad movies. And then sometimes I watch a movie which is a softcore porn for the first forty minutes and then it's a horribly amateurish horror movie in the last forty minutes. That movie really confused my boner! It was all, "This is great! I wonder how much they had to pay those strippers per hour to be in their amateur movie?! Did they have to let them in the actor's union? Wow! Look at all the naked stuff everywhere!" And then my boner was all, "What is happening?! Do those two women not know how to unbutton their pants?! Why do their bras look like full shirts?! Where are all the boobies and other girly parts that I couldn't really make out very well but I'm pretty sure I saw them so that means we're not virgins anymore, right?!" And I was all, "Oh boner! What did I do!? Why did I squander my good times hoping for the next really good nude scene just to run out of nude scenes and now I have to watch forty minutes of really bad acting?!" And then my boner was all, "We're rating The Slaughterhouse Massacre five stars, right?" And I was all, "Are you stupid? We can't encourage anybody else to watch it! It already has too many stars at two!" And my boner was all, "I'm not a boner anymore so why are you still talking to me? Can we just pee now?"

I should write plays. I bet I would be as successful as Samuel Beckett.

When we last left Starfire, she was parsing an idiom literally and it was totally hilarious. After that, she tried to put a penis in her mouth but her best friend Sheriff Gomez was all, "That is an inappropriate thing to do while me and that penis's grandmother are standing right here." Then a hurricane hit and I don't think it was natural at all! But then the comic book ran out of pages. So I purchased this issue to find out how the hurricane story ends!

Apparently I spent all month wondering which rascally villain was behind the hurricane and it looks like it's just a normal hurricane. Is this comic book just going to be about Balki Starfire trying to fit in in a somewhat normal community? Who is she going to blast with starbolts besides the guys who hit on her incessantly?

Starfire delivers her depravity interest and his grandmother to the hurricane shelter and then goes back into the storm to rescue the old woman's parrot.

Ha ha! That sign said "Lookout" on it!

Starfire's depravity interest goes back inside and says, "Well, Grandma, looks like Kori and your parrot are dead." But she's not! He just doesn't know how invulnerable she is yet.

Kori is knocked into the home of a gay guy in a bathtub. I know he's gay because he has two pugs. That's a dead giveaway! Plus she needs a best friend who is gay. There is absolutely no other possible friend combination for Starfire. She has a responsible single woman friend and now she will have the gay male friend and she already has the handyman that fixes up her leaks, if you get my drift. Once again, I hope that was a drift!

Meanwhile Starfire's best friend's brother Sol who will be Starfire's long term depravity interest (the handyman is just around for short, desperately needed, spur of the moment depravities) is risking going out to sea in the hurricane to save some honeymooners stuck in their sailboat. He's a true hero because he doesn't have any super powers. Plus he might have a bit of a death wish since his wife died in a hurricane two years ago. Sol's coworker can't stop him so he decides to call Sol's sister and make her worry about her brother even though there's nothing that she can do. I guess she can call her best friend to help since her best friend has super powers. But Gabe the Coworker doesn't know that so he's really just calling to worry her. Jerko.

Stella picks up Starfire so that her brother can fall in love again.

Meanwhile at the trailer park...

Wow. Key West is stranger than I realized.

Sol Gomez rescues the honeymooners at sea but then his boat capsizes. But don't worry! Starfire finds them. But she can only carry two people at once so she rescues the honeymooners. But don't worry! Sol is destined to fall in love with Starfire! He has plot immunity from drowning! Even if Starfire gets distracted by that big creature that doesn't like her smell (although I bet she smells super nice. Like coconuts and bananas! I bet that's what women's skin smells like! Coconuts, bananas, and fear). Then she'll go back for Sol but he'll be gone and everybody will think he drowned but then he'll appear and be all, "Why does everybody look so sad?" And Starfire will be all, "What is 'sosad'?" And everyone will laugh at Starfire's confusion instead of helping her with her English.

Or Starfire will save his life. Somebody always falls in love when that happens!

Now Starfire will be told to give him mouth to mouth and she'll be all, "But that is kissing. I gave mouth to mouth to the handyman earlier. Is this a trick to get me to kiss this corpse?"

Or she'll do it on her own initiative. I think maybe Roy Harper already tricked her with the kissing him to do mouth to mouth thing. At least she learned something useful from Roy and Jason.

Can movies and television and comic books please stop using the "mouth to mouth" scene as a means to establish romance? It's really creating a No-Homo Life Saving Culture where insecure men are afraid to give mouth to mouth to other men. I bet at least two to three men die every year from not receiving mouth to mouth quickly enough due to scenes like these!

And by "partnered," she means "depraved myself"!

After all of the excitement, Kori discovers that her trailer was destroyed so she can't live in the trailer park with Handyman Eye Candy anymore. But she does get invited to live over the garage at Stella and her brother's house! First they have to find a place to dump all of Sol's wife's useless garbage being stored in the apartment. But after all that stuff is burned, Starfire will have a new home! Yay!

Starfire #2 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue was still exactly what I think people were expecting when they picked up this series but a little less of the kind of annoying stuff and a lot more of the building a world I'm completely interested in stuff. The annoying stuff was how easily Starfire was confused by everything. I'm one of the few people who didn't find Balki hilarious and sexy which is why I wasn't into that. But in this issue, it was toned down to the level of that Israeli woman from NCIS who may or may not still be on the show since I don't watch it anymore. It's still an old joke but at much better, lower levels this issue. And of course the art is spectacularly gorgeous. And by art I mean Starfire's butt (also her other parts. And everything else too, I guess). Who wants to practice mouth to mouth with me now?!

Starfire #1

Her finger is glistening because she's a filthy sex pervert.

Starfire has moved to Key West because she'll fit in with her costume that looks like a bikini and her skin that looks like a horrible spray tan. Plus it's apparently okay to masturbate in public. I should move there! I bet I've masturbated in every building I've ever been inside of! If you've invited me into your home, I probably jerked off somewhere in it. It's probably a mental issue called Jerkophilia so you can't criticize me, you unfeeling offensive jerk! I may or may not have jerked off in an empty park after dark on the way home from my job at Kentucky Fried Chicken when I was seventeen, depending on whether or not you would be completely grossed out by that revelation. It was probably the way those tight polyester pants fit across my crotch. It also could have been because I was seventeen and I thought of half a boob.

Have I primed everybody up for the sexy romp we're about to take with Starfire? Or are you all just feeling a little queasy now?

The issue begins with Starfire telling her story about how she was kept in a woman's prison with sexually depraved women convicted of womanly depravities. Boy, I wish I knew more about that kind of stuff. Maybe Lord Google's Image Search can teach me more about it! Oooh! Whoa! Interesting! Here's one of the things I learned about "womanly depravities":

Sexy! Right? I'm feeling...squooshy? No?

Starfire is telling her history to her new best friend in the whole world, Sheriff Gomez! I hope they become best friends with benefits because I wouldn't want to see Starfire have to go without health insurance.

Cute is for kittens! Starfire is erogenous!

Starfire has nothing of value that she's willing to sell except maybe a few jewels she found on the starship she stole. I don't think she can sell the ship because she crashed it on a desert island and used it as a den of depravity where she depraved Roy Harper on a constant basis. He didn't deprave her though because he wasn't very good at doing it and Starfire was too good at doing it.

Starfire sells a diamond and is all, "I do not English! It is funny, no?" And everybody is all, "No. Take off your top." But Starfire is all, "I will take off my top but only when it is my idea and when it can showcase my power and it will not be to titillate you self-diddling comic book monkey monsters. I mean, 'What is top? Do you mean my head?'"

After crying about dead old people which wasn't sexy at all, Starfire and her new best friend decide to have some beers. It's okay though because Sheriff Gomez doesn't work until later, so getting drunk won't be a problem right now. You can tell Starfire gets drunk almost immediately because she begins contracting her words. She also slips immediately into some of her perverse womanly depravity fantasies.

A woman's vagina looks like a star over a pistol?! I mean, um, that's hot! Look at that vagina! Oh yeah! Just like all of the other ones I've seen!

A fight breaks out in the bar because two men can't control their carnal lusts when Starfire speaks with them. She obviously wants to deprave them if she deigned to acknowledge their existence while also drinking beers. That's how dating works, right?! A woman says, "Hello, good sirs, how are you?" And the man says, "Do you have a condom preference?"

Yes, Kori. Please try to avoid talking with men.

After shopping for a new outfit, Starfire is shown to her new temporary housing. It's a trailer in a trailer park and it probably will be safe enough when the hurricane passes through. Her landlady is an old woman named Tina and her instant womanly depravity interest is Boone, her grandson. He's the handyman, if you get my drift. Did I have a drift? I hope that was a drift.

The scene shifts to Sheriff Gomez's brother who is part of the coast guard or something. His name is Sol which probably means he'll be depraving with Starfire any page now. Also he lost his wife in a hurricane two years ago and he hasn't been in the mood for a good depraving since, even though his coworker Raveena has been shoving her depravities in his face for months now. But I bet Starfire will have just the right combination of innocence and loads of sex that is just what all men are looking for! They all want a sexpot that has never had sex before!

The storm turns into a hurricane so Kori takes shelter with Boone and his grandmother and his grandmother's parrot. But the trailer they're sheltering in is tipped over and they hear loud noises that aren't thunder, so Starfire exits the trailer and steps into the storm where she sees...well, you'll find out what she sees next month if you know what's depraved for you. It's probably the Weather Wizard. Or the Fearsome Five.

Starfire #1 Rating: This book is about as hilarious as an episode of NCIS and as sexually titillating as an episode of Three's Company with the sophisticated gender sensibility of The Love Boat.