Trinity #8

The Truth About Superman? Is the story about Ra's, Circe, and Lex over already? Did I miss it because it was so boring?

The Review!
The best thing about this comic book being written by Cullen Bunn is that I won't mind dropping it.

Nothing happens this issue. Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman discuss a recurring dream Superman has been having and then decide not to tell anybody else about it. Wow. I think I fucking jizzed my pants over that revelation. On top of nothing happening this issue, I didn't even get to find out what's going on with Ra's, Circe, and Lex! I especially wanted to find out why Lex is being included in "the biggest foes of the Trinity" when he's not a fucking villain anymore! Oh well. I guess it doesn't matter since that story just disappeared into the ether. But at least we got a boring story about Superman discussing a dream where he fights himself!

The Ranking!
-5! What a fucking huge waste of time. I hope the anonymous person who totally isn't Cullen Bunn but loves to tell me why Cullen Bunn's comics are super awesome lets me know why this one was so intelligent and well written!

At least, as always, Emanuela's art was nice to look at!

Trinity #7

Since Cullen Bunn blocked me on Twitter because he can't handle the truth, can somebody let me know if he calls me an asshole for this review?

I don't even know if my review is going to be good or bad but, based on experience, it's going to be a shitshow. So I'll probably be called an asshole or some jerk trying to get attention from a famous writer who has little self-esteem and can't handle a few jokes about how terrible he writes. For all I know, he writes a fabulous X-Men story! Although usually Marvel and DC put the shittiest writers on the properties they know will sell well no matter how poorly they're written. Unless the property is Batman or Wolverine. You don't want to dilute Momma's money makers!

I just noticed Cullen Bunn was on the cover of this comic book!

I haven't even opened the cover of this book yet but I can see the great spark of inspiration which generated the story within. Cullen Bunn was probably sitting at the kitchen table listening to one of his frog podcasts when he thought, "This new book DC wants me to write is about the Trinity? What if I take a look at the Trinity through the funhouse mirror of their most dangerous nemeses?! That's probably never been done...oh no! Not again!" His thought was interrupted because he shit himself.

How can I block Cullen Bunn from seeing my reviews of his books so he doesn't get his feelings hurt? I'd like to spare him the psychic pain and self-reflection which might cause him to think, "Maybe I should put a little more effort into my writing?" People criticize my writing all the time but I have no capacity for self-reflection so I don't worry about putting more effort into my writing. No wait. Did I say "more effort"? I mean "any effort"!

This story is called "The New Pandoras." That probably means the story will examine how superheroes are supposed to be inspirations offering hope to mankind but they really just cause a lot of trouble by existing because comic book writers have fucking shit all over the reason superheroes meant anything to anybody in the first place. It also might be about a new group of girls down at the local strip club who all thought using the name "Pandora" would be cool and hilarious. You know, because they have hope in their boxes.

If I were female and a stripper, I would have danced under the name Medea. Although I know an ex-stripper who sometimes used the name Pandora and all the horny idiots watching her dance thought she was Pantera. So I imagine if I used the name Medea, everybody would think I took the name from Tyler Perry's drag character.

The story begins with Lex Luthor and Ra's al Ghul encountering each other in an ancient crypt.

"We're both bad guys so I guess we should fight now?" "Hold on! Let's let the story play out! Sometimes bad guys work together! And we're still missing Wonder Woman's nemesis!"

The pages preceding this moment where Lex boldly says the cue to bring the third player on stage consists of a rambling pissing contest. I suppose it's for the reader's benefit to show that the ego of each of these characters is too large for either to back down from a challenge. Not that there's a challenge here. Ra's had a dream and arrived. Lex hasn't stated why he's here. I'm sure Circe will explain it when she walks out of the shadows on the next page.

Right on cue!

What does she mean, "Yes, that Circe"? The one with the great ass?

Circe explains that she brought them to this cave to take a dunk in the Pandora Pits. They're some pools of filthy water that are supposed to house powerful evil released by Pandora. But this evil was too frightened of mankind and so hid in these pits. How powerful could it have been if it ran and hid? If I were Luthor, I wouldn't set one foot in this muck!

A creature that's half Wonder Woman and half Composite Superman rises from one of the pools to attack. The only way it can be defeated is if the Dark Trinity work together to defeat it! It's a sign that they should work together to defeat Wonder Woman and Composite Superman too! Don't worry about how Lex and Superman have begun trying to understand each other and work together in that other comic book that you should ignore while reading this one. He still hates aliens.

Lex still isn't quite on board with bathing in the pits so Circe decides to show him an ancient mural on a wall. It shows Circe, Ra's, and Lex all standing together. Oh, well then! If an ancient carving provides evidence that they're going to work together, why fight it?

The Ranking!
-1! This story begins with a couple of comic book tropes I've never liked. First, the characters are compelled by a vision or a prophecy to get the plot moving. I'd suggest Circe was manipulating everything for reasons of her own but the whole three pits thing and the half Wonder Woman, half Composite Superman creature, and the mural all seem a bit much to not be the real motivator. Circe could just cast a spell on these guys and force them to help her. Second, I dislike stories where superheroes are specifically targeted by the villains. Those are the types of stories that have created this idea in comic books that heroes are more of a menace than an inspiration. If heroes are constantly being personally attacked, they're more harm to the city where they reside than help. So here's yet another story where the heroes are going to be targeted specifically. How are they helping to save the world or being an inspiration to mankind when all they're really doing is saving their own asses?

Okay, sure, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Maybe Lex, Ra's, and Circe will just begin their plans of world domination while trying to avoid being noticed by the Trinity. You know, the way villains should be acting. When did the sole motivation of so many super villains become vengeance against the hero that constantly kicks their ass and locks them up? Wouldn't you avoid pissing off that person after being beaten by them so many times? The DC Universe is full of idiots.

Sinestro #23

"Let them use cock rings!" -- Famous French Clueless Royal Person Who Gave Out Free Cock Rings and Sparked a Revolution. Seriously. I would tell you to Wiki it but, I mean, someone probably accidentally deleted the entry or something. That's why I don't remember his name. He was an interesting figure because he thought no matter how little the people had, sexual pleasure could make up for most of life's disappointments. But he failed to take into account that most of the poor, unwashed masses he was tossing the cock rings to didn't have any sexual prospects. These losers were already really angry about how life was not only violent and hopeless but it was also withholding from them one of the few things even animals seemed to enjoy willy-nilly. Putting a cock ring in their hands just exacerbated the problem and it wasn't long before royalty, leaders, good looking guys, and fit women who said no were getting their dicks and vaginas chopped off in the public square. It was a time of great unrest although Fedora manufacturers and sellers made a killing.

The Review!
I should probably put this review behind a pay wall so that Cullen Bunn doesn't accidentally see it and get butt hurt over people having opinions! I can see why he would get upset about my reviews of his work though because my opinions are so close to facts as to be indistinguishable. Was that sentence okay? Did I need a "from them" at the end of it? Why do words and sentences have so many rules? No wonder Cullen Bunn has trouble writing! I wish my Writing Assistant and Editor and Run To The Shop To Buy Sandwiches Boy, Pickle Boy, were still around to fix my writing mistakes. But no! He's gone off to have a family and live a life and grow old and have enough money for a funeral and a grave. What a show off! So now I have to try to make fun of Cullen Bunn's ability to write with a poorly executed and hardly refined writing style! It makes me look like a fucking joke, Pickle Boy! How dare you leave me! Why did you leave me when I needed you the most?! I'm so hungry for a sandwich!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Sinestro thinking about things that never existed before this moment because they didn't exist before this moment. But now Sinestro needs to make some kind of point about life or something, so now New Korugar is a really harsh place to live. Before now, the Korugarians just wandered around the rocks pissing on Sinestro's reputation. But now they're all running about wildly while a massive dust storm rages around them and the shelters they are not in. Sinestro calmly watches them from a cliff protected in a yellow bubble with his motivational plot device and vagina, Lyssa. Not once does he think, "I guess I don't really fucking care about my people, do I? Has relying on a woman who sees the future crippled my ability to have any insight into my own self? Am I incapable of admitting that I made a mistake seeking out the last of my people? Being angry and a victim seemed like such a good idea at the time but now I'm burdened with a responsibility I never wanted. I just wanted people to not only stop criticizing me but to also maybe praise me for my compassion! By the way, remember to look up 'compassion' in the dictionary to see if I'm doing it right." I suppose this all makes sense because Sinestro is a serious Type-A Personality Dickfuck and will always be a Type-A Personality Dickfuck. He thinks anything he does is the absolutely right thing that should have been done and anybody who disagrees with him is a dumb cunt with delusions of rationality.

Oh! Excuse me! I meant a "dumb barn owl with delusions of rationality." I forget that some people have problems with words but they don't mind if I replace that word with an innocuous word but still infuse it with all the same meaning of the original word. Mostly because not many people know that when I say "barn owl", I really mean "cunt". Most of the time. The other night while driving to one of the stores I clean at about eleven at night, a huge bird swooped down and landed in the opposite lane. I slowly passed by and it was a barn owl just calmly looking at me. You shouldn't read the barn owl in that anecdote as a secret code! I don't think.

Sinestro believes he is making his people strong by making them suffer. Remember that part where I mentioned he was a Type-A Personality Dickfuck? Yeah. Anyway, his people are going to really grow strong in adversity soon because the Red Lanterns are on their way to shit lava and vomit blood all over New Korugar. Oh! I think this story is an allegory about Cullen Bunn and his time at DC Comics!

Soranik takes a bunch of Yellow Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn and meets a bunch of Red Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn to fight in space so a bunch of Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn die.

The fight doesn't last ten years because Geoff Johns isn't writing it. It only lasts a page or two because this is the last issue and Cullen Bunn needs to pack. Besides, the whole point of the fight is to get some terraforming thing that I didn't remember the Red Lanterns had so that Sinestro can prove that he finally looked up compassion in the dictionary.

Ugh! I like him better when he's the hero of his own delusional story and just a Type-A Personality Dickfuck in everybody else's.

The book ends with Lyssa telling Sinestro that she still sees the future that sucks hard. Sinestro is all, "Shucks! I brought order to the entire universe and nothing wrong is happening anywhere in it because of me and my greatness but now something is coming to destroy all of my hard work that didn't seem that hard when you think about it like maybe I didn't actually do what I like to think I did? Anyway, I guess I have to end my story for now with the most cliché ending where I hint at drama and tension and Armageddon to come just as the story ends with the word 'end' followed by a question mark. Get it?! It's like, 'Is the story really over?! Who knows?!'"

Sinestro #21

Someone bought this comic book because the cover looked exciting and now they're questioning every decision they've ever made.

Rating: It's Easter morning so I'm going to pretend I understand what it's like to have the compassion of Jesus and not lower the ranking of this comic book. Although, how compassionate was Jesus really? He fucking ruined the last supper he had with his closest friends by calling them out on future bad behavior. How fucked up is that? "Dudes, I've got some bad news. Some of the people sitting here are going to wind up being real huge dicks later." I wonder if Jesus had a whole list of really petty shit that was cut from the Bible in editing. "Judas is going to betray me. Peter will deny me. Mark will neglect his pet dog. Luke is going to write some fanfic about my birth. James is going to carve his and my initials inside a little heart on that tree over there. All the other ones are going to suddenly remember my thing about being fishers of men and not resorting to violence when they have the chance to save my life."

• Thankfully, this comic book is finished at Issue #23 and Cullen Bunn has no part in DC's Rebirth. Now if only Scott Lobdell would manage the same deal. How did Lobdell get handed the keys to Jason Todd and Roy Harper? Why does DC want to punish their fans so badly?

• Soranik is now leader of the Yellow Lanterns because Sinestro forgot how to recharge his ring.

• Everybody on Earth loves the Yellow Lanterns now. Which is totally believable because the people of the DC Youniverse are complete morons. They hate Superman who has never done anything to harm them but who could. They love Sinestro and the Yellow Lanterns because they've saved them this one time and all the other shit they've done to the Earth can be explained away by the Reboot. Maybe.

• This line is a good example of a hack writer.

• Does Cullen Bunn know what comic books are? He does know that pictures are added to his script, right?

• Lyssa has prophesied the fall of the Sinestro Corps not because she's a prophet but because Cullen Bunn is a hack. Prophecies create easy tension! They're lazy plot devices. It's why the television show Heroes was such a piece of shit, especially the second season. Because they relied on glimpses of the future to motivate the people of the present. It's a lazy way to cause conflict.

• Lyssa tells Sinestro that she knows the future and she knows a way for him to change the future to his liking. How about she just tell the reader everything she knows right now so the comic book can end here and now?

• Mongul returns to his senses and begins murdering Yellow Lanterns. Once again, power rings, the most powerful weapons in the universe, have no effect on an enemy when the plot calls for it.

• Mongul heads to Earth to hide because there are currently too many lanterns. Even though the yellow light just bounces off his face? What a coward.

I know how hope relates to fear: "I hope I don't die!"

• Cullen Bunn is allowed to write a small scene with Superman and Wonder Woman. It's a mistake. Instead of writing them in character, he simply makes them say things in service to Sinestro and the yellow lanterns. "Oh! Oh! I loved having a Yellow Ring! The power!" "I want to fuck Bekka!" "Me too!"

• Cullen Bunn also writes the people of Earth as sycophants pleading for the Yellow Lanterns to protect the Earth because Superman fucking sucks and Batman is a cop and Wonder Woman is being written by the Finches!

• Soranik appoints Arkillo as the Yellow Lantern of Sector 2814 (although, really, she's telling him to stay on Earth). She allows Saint Walker to be his sidekick.

They would just shrug and say, "Yeah, yeah. What super hero group doesn't cause the threats they save us from? Yawn!"

• The Sinestro Corps heads home to New Korugar to await the super special ending of this comic book. I don't actually know if it will have any kind of special ending. I just know it'll be awesome to read "The End."

Aquaman #48

I think I said something about being developmentally arrested last commentary?

Rating: Minus all of the numbers.

Sorry, Dan Abnett! You're going to have a tough time crawling out of the hole Cullen Bunn dug for this book! This was the worst ending to a multi-part story that I've ever read in all of my time reading stories! And I didn't even like this story! It could have ended almost any other way and I would have yawned less! Just a little bit less, of course. Even before Cullen Bunn ruined Aquaman, I didn't care about him.

If there's one uplifting thing to take away from this Aquaman story line, it's this: follow your dreams, kids! Anybody can do anything if they only suck the right number of dicks along the way! Because if a writer this awful can get multiple writing gigs at the mainstream comic book companies even though he obviously doesn't give a shit about the characters, then you can do whatever stupid and awful thing you want to do too! Want to become a lawyer but you don't give a shit about the legal system or helping the wrongly accused or maybe prosecuting monsters? You just want to be introduced to people as a lawyer? Go for it! Take heart in the knowledge that Cullen Bunn has been able to write comic books for a living and he's terrible at it!

I'm such an optimist!

Aquaman #47

Why is Hal Jordan suddenly back on Earth and acting like a normal Green Lantern? Why did DC just abandon Simon Baz?!

Last issue ended with Amnesty Bay being attacked by Thule. This issue begins with Aquaman ready to defend Amnesty Bay alongside Wonder Woman. I guess Aquadog sent out the Aquasignal!

The first thing I notice is a note that says this story takes place before Batman #40. That's convenient! I'm not going to do the research but I'm pretty sure if I dug deep enough, Aquaman's and Wonder Woman's new costumes existing before Bruce Wayne's "death" will probably cause the entire timeline to unravel. But anything for the sake of having real Batman in this issue! And Hal Jordan thrown in for good measure. Maybe Kyle Rayner can even make an appearance!

The rest of the Justice League have also come along to help out which only causes more problems. Like the way Superman has his depowered haircut but he's using his heat vision. Maybe that's not really Superman because he's using his heat vision to burn the face off of a Thulean which would usually go against his ethics. Maybe the Thuleans aren't considered sentient beings?

Error! Error! Superman has his powers and short hair and Bruce Wayne is in the batsuit and Hal Jordan is in Green Lantern gear and Aquaman has his new costume and his new trident switchblade and Wonder Woman is in her new costume and *STEAM SMOKE MELTDOWN*!

Batman needed to be in this story so he could tell Aquaman he fucked up. Aquaman is all, "I know, I know! Do you see how my raging boner isn't so raging?!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Yeah! Your new costume has an erect phallus coming up from your groin and my new costume highlights my vadge!"

Batman convinces Aquaman that goofing off isn't solving any problems so it's time to actually rescue the Atlanteans trapped in Thule. Now that he has help, he might be able to do it and save Mera and free Atlantis all at the same time and by the end of this comic, God willing! And then maybe Cullen Bunn will never again be allowed near Aquaman. I don't even care about Aquaman and I'm upset that his book has been fucked up to this extent!

Garth and Tula and their crew of misfits finally realize that maybe they don't know exactly what's going on. They decide to stop pursuing Aquaman and just see what happens. What happens is Aquaman heads to Atlantis to fight the Atlantean army on his own while the Justice League head to Thule to have a big double page fantasy battle where Batman gets to ride a dragon.

Most of the action takes place in Narration Boxes as Aquaman explains the story so far. It takes far too many pages for me to believe this pulp fiction Aquaman story is going to end this month. It's also not exciting enough to talk about. It's just dry narration with shots of Aquaman beating up Atlanteans.

I hope the sacrifice is giving up his new powers! I hope the sacrifice is not Aquadog.

The issue ends with Cullen Bunn finally getting one thing right: Mera saves herself from the Thulean Sorcerers. She's only about five thousand times more powerful than Aquaman. At least she was. I think Aquaman has every super power in the book now, thanks to Poseidon.

Oh, I suppose he got another thing half-right earlier that I forgot to mention! Aquaman actually speaks with fish this issue. The only problem is that he speaks with a monstrously huge deep sea serpent thing that rivals Topo! If Aquaman has access to monsters like that, why does he ever call anything else to fight his battles? Fuck the seahorses with saddles! Aquaman should be riding a sea serpent!

Aquaman #47 Rating: No change. It'll be nearly a year soon and nobody in the art or editorial departments at DC Comics have noticed or cared that Aquaman is sporting a huge boner in his new costume? I suppose that's the least of their worries seeing as how Cullen Bunn has been taking a huge shit on Aquaman's legacy every month for the same amount of time. Maybe this book has just become too artsy and complicated for me! Also I find myself constantly touching my penis whenever Aquaman's boner is on-panel. It's so huge!

Twat Lobo #13

Twenty years ago, I'd have rooted against Hal Jordan. Not today!

Well Twat Lobo! You had a good run. I mean, it wasn't exactly "good" at all, really. It was practically the definition of horrible. But keep your chin up! If you ignore all of the critics who were completely right in saying this was a bad comic book, and disregard the constantly plummeting monthly sales, you were actually fairly successful! Some people who wanted to fuck you decided to ignore the shitty writing and awful dialogue and tone deaf rape scenes so that they could laud the series. And fans of whatever Cullen Bunn has written that has apparently been good--I wouldn't know what that was since none of it has been at DC--have also managed to convince themselves that this series was a truly novel horror title. And I think it was loyal Lobo fans who don't have it within themselves to criticize any version of the Main Man who thought maybe this was a parody of James Bond? Plus if I had to choose the best book of all time and it was between Cullen Bunn's Twat Lobo and Ann Nocenti's Katana, you'd win hands down, Twat Lobo! So anyway, what I'm trying to say is you had a successful run if you squint a bit and lie to yourself and manipulate all of the data and ignore reality. Congratulations!

Twat Lobo has recently let himself go. He's looking more and more like Real Deal Lobo which could mean that Cullen Bunn stole my idea about making Twat Lobo the younger version of Real Deal Lobo and introducing a time travel element into the story which leads to Twat Lobo killing his older self. That totally works for me and makes the series just a tiny bit better overall. He also took a huge overdose of drugs last issue which could explain why his older self has no memory of the details of his earlier life. The drugs have also sent Twat Lobo on a murderous rage across the universe killing other bounty hunters. But not because they're bounty hunters! It's because he's hallucinating Czarnian faces on all of them.

The issue begins with Twat Lobo hallucinating one of those faces on Hal Jordan. That's a good idea because it means Green Lantern fans will pick up this issue and Twat Lobo might end on a less depressing financial note.

Compare this page to the cover. Since the cover was commissioned, DC has obviously backpedaled on the Twatiness of Lobo.

Hal Jordan points out that this isn't his fight. I'd like to argue the point, Hal. It's all very well to describe being mugged or attacked at random as "not your fight" but it kind of is. You may not have chosen the fight. You may not be the type of asshole that goes around getting into fights (that's a hypothetical person in that statement since Hal Jordan actually is that type of asshole). But once a fight is brought to you, it's your fight whether you want it or not. Because the only other option at that point is to take the beating that, with your logic, wasn't your beating. I'd rather engage in the fight that wasn't my fight than simply take the beating that wasn't my beating.

Twat Lobo hallucinates his old partners from Earth who died. The drugs Twat Lobo took really shouldn't be causing him to hallucinate people trying to help him get the drugs out of his system. What kind of self-destructive drugs are those?! They should be making him hallucinate hot young sex monkeys chirping at him to take more drugs and do weird things with bananas. I wonder where I can get some drugs like those? And some bananas?

Hal Jordan flies Twat Lobo into space and then hurls him back to the planet so he burns up from whatever causes a thing to burn up during atmospheric reentry. Air pressure or something. I don't want to get too technical with my readers so we'll leave it at that instead of having me explain it in detail which I totally could if I wanted to.

See? It's a horror comic book full of sexy ghosts! I mean scary ghosts!

Hal Jordan flies down to talk to Twat Lobo after "checking around" to discover that Twat Lobo was on drugs. Where the fuck did he "check around"?! I was really getting into the story up until that part! Now I've been pulled out of the narrative by some ridiculous bullshit thrown in simply to have Hal Jordan put together pieces of the story he wasn't privy to! And don't say his glove told him because his glove isn't tied into the same World Wide Green Lantern Web that the rings are tied into! Hal pointed that out himself in Green Lantern #47!

Some purple guy from The Citadel picked up Twat Lobo to explain what's been going on. The drugs were made from dead planets because obviously. Duh. Best drugs you can get! The only problem is that Twat Lobo snorted some Czarnia! Oh noes! That totally explains everything somehow! Especially if you want to fuck Twat Lobo! Poor guy! I totally get it! I mean, um, whut's going on?!

Twat Lobo decides he doesn't need The Citadel's help and that he loves the idea of his planet being inside him because it's a cool idea if you're drunk and have a serious concussion, I guess.

Also he's back to being Twat Lobo thanks to the atmospheric reentry makeover.

I cut off the threat on that last page that told people to watch for Twat Lobo in Batman Loves Superman #29. That was the most horrific part of this horror story. Or was it a parody of James Bond? I forget what I'm supposed to think.

Twat Lobo #13 Rating: No change. What a cool ending...I can hear idiots saying. With the drug in Twat Lobo's system and the variance in his looks, my guess is that the first issue battle between Twat Lobo and Real Deal Lobo was an Edward Norton/Tyler Durden Fight Club deal. So there's not difference between Twat Lobo and Real Deal Lobo at all. They're just unaware of each other inhabiting the same body. I don't know if that makes anything better but at least I can imagine Twat Lobo will one day be completely suppressed and I never have to read another comic book about him ever again. Although, I suppose, my mind could easily be swayed if a good writer took on the task of writing Twat Lobo! Until then, good riddance, Twat Lobo!

Aquaman #46

This cover sent me down the trans-rabbit hole beginning here.

Aquaman has been on some pulpy pulp adventures recently and they'll probably continue right up until you see an Aquaman comic book on the stands without "Bunn" on the cover. He's also obtained any power he needs to solve any plot problem that swims along because Poseidon decided to bless him even though Aquaman doesn't believe in gods (according to the Aquaman of the current run of JLA). He's lost his wife and his kingdom and his ability to say he's never been raped. Hopefully this story has been going six issues now so that it can mercifully end to be reprinted in a trade with which everybody will be disappointed. Even Cullen Bunn seems to have admitted that this entire run on Aquaman has been terrible and unwarranted from the start. Although he probably used different words like "people were mean to me!" and "I was coerced into writing this!" and "Have you read Harrow County yet? I actually care about that book!"

This issue begins with Aquaman returning to Earth and immediately choking the fuck out of Extriax who is a character in this story. It's not the usual way most people begin conversations but Extriax takes it in stride. Heroes are allowed to choke the fuck out of whomever they want because they're heroes. Whatever they do must be the right thing because they're on the side of the just! If Aquaman chokes the fuck out of Extriax because Aquaman is dealing with his anger of being raped, it must be the morally just reaction to Extriax's not stopping the rape from happening. I mean, Extriax must be at fault, right? Why would Aquman cause harm to a good person?

"Look at my violated boner, old man! LOOK AT IT!"

Aquaman declares that he will go rescue Mera now that he realizes she's in danger. He probably should have realized it earlier when Mera was suddenly acting nothing like Mera and was sending people to kill him and declaring that she will protect Atlantis at any cost even though she's never before shown any interest in what happens to Atlantis prior to this.

Mera wouldn't want her death to stop Aquaman from trying to save her?

Wonder Woman arrives on the scene to find Aquaman pouting about his new lot in life. I think he'd be happy! Now Mera is merely in life-threatening danger as opposed to hating his guts and trying to kill him. That sounds like things are moving in a positive direction. Plus, Mera can take care of herself! At least before Aquaman received every new power in the superhero handbook, she was way more powerful and capable than he was. I think she'll be okay if he just keeps doing what he's been doing! As for why Wonder Woman is here? Oh, I don't know. I guess so Cullen Bunn could use the title "Amazon in the Amazon"? See how clever that is?

Wonder Woman also appeared in Sinestro this month so I guess somebody just wrote a blank Wonder Woman check to Cullen Bunn to do with her as he pleased.

Uh-oh! From the beginning of Wonder Woman's speech to Aquaman, it sounds like she might be taking up the Sire-disguised-as-Mera role now. She didn't immediately choke the fuck out of him like some other hero might have done but she's certainly got quite the accusing tone to her speech. It seems she and the other Justice Leaguers know about Thule's attack on the world and how Aquaman has known about it for some time and hasn't gotten around to stopping it. I'm not quite sure yet if she's just come to him to help or to yell at him because I was distracted by this:

What the fuck, Guy Major?

Wonder Woman seems mostly upset that she had to speak with John Constantine while researching who was invading Earth. I think she just wants to help end what's happening but I'm not entirely sure because other things are distracting me far more than Guy's alternate Earth.

That costume is so fucking aggressive!

Aquaman asks Wonder Woman "What Would Batman Do?" which seems like a really irresponsible question. A lot of innocent people might die asking that question! Batman would obviously do the thing that would keep his hands clean of any blood no matter how many innocent people would die at the hands of monsters while he was making sure he didn't kill anybody at all. Also, Batman would never do whatever you'll wind up doing, Aquaman. Even if Batman might have done the thing you're going to do, as soon as you reveal that that's what you're going to do, Batman would be all "TT!" and then point out how stupid the thing you're going to do is.

Wonder Woman was followed by Aqualad's All-Stars so that Aquaman could stop gnawing at his problems and just begin punching stuff. My only problem with this twist is that it's not going to help end this story any quicker and get Cullen Bunn off of this book.

If King Shark has the upper hand here then I was a way better wrestler in Junior High than I realized!

The battle ends quickly because Wonder Woman. Now Aquaman just needs to figure out how to defeat Thule while saving the Atlanteans and Mera so that he can get back to his regular life of riding giant seahorses and forcing dolphins to fight his battles for him.

Etriax's followers all begin to panic in that way that crowds in Cullen Bunn books always panic. I guess it helps the reader to realize the situation is tense and scary? And then Thule attacks Amnesty Bay! I hope Aquadog can stop them!

Aquaman #46 Rating: No change. Aquaman looked terrible this issue. Even his raging costume cock didn't seem as full and in my face as I usually like it. He sort of looked like the type of guy a casting director would get to play the part of an action hero when they couldn't book Jean-Claude Van Damme or Dolph Lundgren. Or maybe the guy hired to play Van Damme's character in the porn version of Timecop which would probably be called Rimcop or Timejob or Time Travel Fuck Arrest. The story was more of the same of the bullshit pulp fiction adventure that Aquaman has found himself stuck in. I guess if you like Pulp Fiction adventures, you might like this comic book. But you probably wouldn't have thought, "You know what? Let me pick up Aquaman to fulfill my desire to read new Pulp Fiction adventures!" Most people also probably don't think, "I really like Aquaman and the way he talks to fish and punches things while being surly! Let me pick up some old copies of Conan or John Carter adventures!" Why did Cullen Bunn allow himself to be strong-armed into writing Aquaman when he didn't really want to?! Has he no convictions?! Now he's just wasting my fucking time!

Sinestro #17

Since when did Wile E. Coyote change professions from bird hitman to world conqueror?

Remember when Sinestro was a guy with a ring that could make yellow light constructions but he couldn't defeat a guy whose green light constructions couldn't protect him from anything yellow? It's totally fitting that he's sharing this cover with the world's most inept coyote. When I was an autistic little shit kid who stared off into space for 90% of the time when I wasn't a whirling dervish of fists and tears, it never occurred to me that Sinestro should be able to defeat Green Lantern in the space of fifteen seconds. I just thought Sinestro and Green Lantern were like knights with a code of chivalry that said they must attempt to defeat each other in the bounds of whatever theme they happened to agree upon. I think one of those times they actually chose green and yellow suits of armor with lances which was a contest--come on! Seriously!--Sinestro should have come out on top of. I just loved that they'd battle with baseball paraphernalia or construction equipment or Tennis racquets (or rackets if I weren't such a snob!). It excited me to see what they would come up with together for that episode's battle. It's not like Green Lantern ever decided to bring a giant yo-yo into battle while Sinestro fired yellow nuclear missiles at him. It was a gentleman's game and it made Sinestro seem far less incompetent than I'd soon realize he truly was as I got older and stopped whirling in frustration as much as I used to and decided to begin cultivating a horribly cynical outer shell to protect me from the vagaries of social conventions and the awkwardness of intimate human contact.

This issue begins with Sinestro writing an essay on Earth and how it's consumed by fear. In his view, the people of Earth are so embroiled in fear that this planet should have been called Fearth. Get it? Has that joke ever been made by Geoff Johns when he was writing the Sinestro War? Suck it, Geoff Johns! Unless he did make that observation and then I'm arrestedly developed man enough to say, "Kudos to you, goodsir!" Then I'd probably tip my fedora, pull in the edge of my cape, and bow with a flourish. "Kudos!"

Um, so Sinestro's essay points out that the people of Earth are fearful little muskrats full of fear and other emotions that are basically just synonyms for fear like terror and anxiety and all American conservative modes of thought. He's all, "Earth is a Kinder Surprise Egg with the most dangerous toy inside! In fact, there's not a toy inside it at all! It's a knife! A big fucking knife covered in fire ants and the handle is a naked woman who totally wants to do it! So scary!" And the Earthlings are all, "Ah! Everything is so scary! God, help me! I would call to science to help me but science is complicated and every time I ask my atheist friend 'How does science know that?', he always goes into a long-winded explanation of things that don't make any sense so he has to explain those things and...ugh! Just say something easy like 'God made it!' Now that I can understand!"

Sinestro's encounter with the Pale Bishop, the long dead leader of The Paling whom he tracked to Earth some mysterious way that was probably scary, has gotten him thinking about fear and Earth. He knows an awful lot about Earth for a guy from the planet Kellogg. I don't think that was the name of the planet he was from but I do remember it began with a "K" and it's destroyed now so who the fuck cares what it was called? The Pale Bishop has turned out to be a 30% Guardian of the Universe and 70% Mummy. So not only is he obsessed with making the universe safer by destroying all individuality and choice and emotion, he's also really fucking slow and brittle. This fight should last about the amount of time it takes Sinestro to find an open flame.

Wait a second! Is that Warworld hanging up in the sky? And...and...and it isn't causing mass panic of the already panic-stricken people of Fearth?!

If Warworld were that visible in the sky, I think it would be having some destructive gravitational effects on the planet and the moon of our planet which is so unimaginatively called "the moon." Holy fuck we are boring people! We couldn't even come up with Magic Floating Sky Rock?! I'm surprised we're not a bunch of Planetlings living on the planet Planet. I would go into the science of how gravity works but I wouldn't want to bore any religious people who might be reading this. Let's just say God has this shit under control and leave it at that, shall we?

No wait! I can't leave it at that! Last night I was listening to Ground Zero with your host Clyde "I'm a Stupid Piece of Fucking Shit" Lewis and he was talking about climate change. At the end of the show, some guy called up to remind Clyde that God promised not to destroy the Earth in a flood ever again. And he quoted Genesis 8:22 as proof that climate change is bullshit: "While the earth remaineth, seed-time and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and winter, and day and night shall not cease." See, scientists? God promised that he won't cease all that shit so calm the fuck down, you idiots. God promised! The guy's second point was that Jesus was eventually going to come down and rule so why is everybody being so pessimistic? Jesus has got this, motherfuckers! Do whatever the fuck you want!

And that is why religion is dangerous! Because people believe that The Bible is useful in scientific discussions! Maybe instead of Fearth, this planet should have been called Dearth...Of Any Intelligence At All! Zing!

The Pale Bishop strikes Black Adam with Apathetic Lightning which makes Black Adam angry for some reason. I know when I suddenly don't care about something I forget all about it and it doesn't make me angry at all. I'm usually just, "What did I do with that ballot for the local election? Maybe I left it in Call of Duty multiplayer or inside this delicious carrot cake?"

Isn't the Pale Bishop asking Black Adam to be angry like Pope Urban II calling on Christians to invade the Middle East? You know what. Those aren't even really close to equitable. I just wanted to mention Pope Urban II because how cool is that Pope name? Urban. You know he fucked a lot of ladies. Maybe ladies should be in quotes? It was still the Catholic Church. Zing!

I don't know what Sinestro has against The Paling. It's not like his philosophy of "Fear is the answer and reason for everything and I can't read a book or watch a movie without making it all about fear because it's the only issue I care about!" I guess it's like how religious people look at my atheism not as a belief I have that doesn't have anything to fucking do with them but as a danger to their religion because my beliefs negate their beliefs which just sounds dangerous until you realize that I don't fucking care if somebody wants to believe in Grown-up Santa Claus who stuffs their stockings full of everlasting life. I guess The Paling is basically a bunch of militaristic atheists to Sinestro's dogmatic and well-established religion. I suppose, historically, Christians have a right to fear atheists due to what atheistic fascist dictators have done to them and other religious peoples. But then if we're talking historically, I think a lot of different groups have a lot of different arguments for why Christians should be feared as well. The most a Christian has to fear from me is maybe a cutting remark about their beliefs after which I'll scream "ZING!" right in their face as I dance around the room pumping my index fingers into the air.

And don't you Muslims think I'm against making cutting remarks against your religion either just because somebody might call me an Islamophobe! I've got some pretty good zingers for y'all too! Although I don't really think I have any zingers for Jews because they'd probably out do me and come up with a better zinger against themselves after which they'd probably dance around the room better than me too. I definitely wouldn't come at a Hindu because I've accepted many of their talismans and gods into my world. I do sometimes pray to Ganesha because if I'm going to act like a ridiculous fool, I might as well be speaking to a god who is also an elephant. Plus he totally removes all obstacles from your life if you simply ask him! Seriously, why is anybody praying to gods who are men when there are gods who are elephants out there?! So much more powerful!

At least somebody was worried about Warworld! Thank the goddess! Literally in this case!

Why is Wonder Woman protecting Earth's orbit? With Superman out of commission and Stormwatch having been forgotten and all the Green Lanterns in another universe, is she the last line of defense against invaders from space?! It just doesn't really seem like it should be her job. It would only be slightly weirder if Aquaman had shown up. Although I don't know why Aquaman didn't show up since Cullen Bunn is writing Aquaman and he loves to do crossovers of the characters he's writing.

The battle where Wonder Woman defeats the entire Sinestro Corps easily (and then tongue kisses Bekka because guys totally need to see women kiss on a fairly regular basis or else they become gay) will have to wait because the battle with the Pale Bishop is still happening on Earth. To help Black Adam shake off the power of apathy, Sinestro lends him a Yellow Ring. It's always exciting when a new character puts on a lantern ring, mostly to see how their costume changes. But this time it isn't too exciting because Black Adam already looks like a Yellow Lantern. The battle doesn't last long after Black Adam gets his ring because the Pale Bishop decides to move the story to another planet.

You should be quite confident having killed all of the other Guardians!

Sinestro points out that he can't follow the Pale Bishop because his ring doesn't have that capability. I mean, it probably does have that capability when it needs to have that capability depending on the story being told. But right now, it doesn't have that capability because Sinestro and Black Adam need to go to Warworld to encounter Wonder Woman so Sinestro says, "But Warworld has that capability!" Once back on Warworld, Sinestro explains to Wonder Woman in a respectful manner that his Lanterns are now protecting the universe because the Green Lanterns have disappeared. Wonder Woman doesn't say "Oh my goodness! What has become of my friend Hal Jordan?!" because she never really liked him and the way he treated Carol so shabbily. Instead she says, "Well you had better get to protecting because The Paling has arrived! I suppose I will remain to bump up your sales numbers and to also help protect Earth."

Sinestro #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. A lot of people have been fans of this book since it started but they were all wrong. This book has had a lot of problems and I'm not just discussing the problem where Cullen Bunn couldn't remember what sector New Koriander was located. The story was constantly interrupted by whatever new direction Bunn decided to go. Perhaps he was just extending The Paling story but it really felt like he would abandon it for ideas he'd rather pursue only to come back to it after abandoning those other ideas. I mean, is New Korugar still a thing or was that just to get rid of Parallax? What about the Aphid League? And then there was all the Twat Lobo nonsense. But with this issue and the previous (I'd also include the issue which introduced Nax), I feel like this book has found a voice and a personality and started working out a bit to tighten up some trouble areas. I'm slightly more attracted to this book for some reason! Maybe Cullen Bunn simply became less distracted when he realized he didn't care about Aquaman at all and he knew The Lost Army was a shit book based on one big idea. Or maybe Bunn just started taking Ritalin and has become hyper-focused on writing this book. He wouldn't want to burn every bridge at DC, would he?! Because if that happens, how will he cash the checks Marvel keeps giving him to ruin DC characters?!

From this point on, all of my Wednesday Comic Book Commentaries will be available in their entirety. It’ll be mostly weeklies, first issues, special issues that have just come out, or whatever is on the top of my stack when Wednesday hits. You know, to try to get people interested in spending one dollar per month to read the rest of my commentaries. As Gail Simone says about my site: “Tess’s reviews are some of the funniest things on the net, every time. I wish I could convince them that they should be doing this for a website or a magazine or something. This is top-notch stuff!” She uses third person singular pronouns for me because she doesn't want to offend me by getting my gender wrong even though she met me and I totally look like a rotten stinking man. I should also find some other famous people to write blurbs for my blog before I run out of Gail Simone quotes! If you’d like to support me and maybe get me to offer even more freebies (sure, why should you pay when other people will get them for free? Probably because you’re a totally terrific and swell person!), please head on over to Patreon and sign up for one dollar (or more!) per month. It’s totally worth it for the email notifications of new posts alone!

Loser Army #6

This must be a Masters of the Universe crossover. Skeletor and Hordak team-up to force the Green Lanterns to disco for eternity.

I recently read some good news that this comic book has been cancelled! Is this the last issue? I hope this is the last issue. Please let this be the last issue!

This issue does not begin in a military flashback. It's possible the military flashback will come a few pages later. If not, how am I going to understand the theme? I need to know what choices John Stewart made in his past that caused him to be such a great leader! Of course all of his past choices were correct because he was in the United States Marines and those guys are all heroes doing heroic things and saving my freedom! Without them, I couldn't point out how they're not paying the cost of my freedom at all! Which actually means I can say that with or without them since a democracy's freedom isn't maintained by the military. Especially the freedom of a country that is as geographically isolated as the United States of America. If they were really fighting to keep me free, they'd just be battling Mexicans and Canadians. And if that were the case, I still wouldn't claim they were keeping me free because I'm fairly certain I could stand my ground against a bunch of Canadians and Mexicans. Okay, maybe not Mexicans. They work better together as a team and can fit way more soldiers in a car than we can.

This issue does begin with John Stewart continuing to believe that Relic's universe really did have a Peak Emotion problem which was causing the universe to die. During the speech, Simon Baz finally gets to make his first appearance since I don't know when. One of the final issues of Red Lanterns?

Pshaw! All universes are fated to die! Stop trying to manufacture drama!

I probably shouldn't ask a writer to stop manufacturing drama since that's like the writer's number one job! Sometimes they're supposed to manufacture comedy as well but that usually just comes across as manufacturing a waste of the reader's time.

John Stewart and his team have arrived on Mogo where the rest of the Green Lantern Corps are busy trying to protect the central battery from Light Pirates of every color. It's almost as if I've read this story before!

That's a lie. I've never read any of the Green Lantern Rainbow Wars stories by Geoff Johns because I just never read it and not because I had some philosophical reason for hating the idea that emotions ruled the universe even though every time any alien deals with Earthlings, they always comment on how the strength of the human race lies in their stupid fucking emotions. I guess the entire universe runs on emotions and all of the alien races are lying jerks who try to hide their constant streams of tears. Although if this whole Peak Emotion thing is actually true and using up too many emotions will eventually bring the universe to a premature end, then I absolutely understand why all the aliens everywhere would hate us. Maybe if we used logic for logic's sake, we could advance to the level of a Type 1 Civilization! Instead we mostly use logic to justify what we've already decided due to our emotional investment in something. We're just a bunch of space babies.

Simon Baz says to John Stewart, "It's about time you showed up." I hate everybody in Cullen Bunn's comic book. No effort is ever good enough for anybody. B'dg saves the day by bringing some rings and John says, "I was hoping for more rings!" B'dg saves Arisia's ass and she says, "Want to impress me? Get more rings!" And now John Stewart arrives to reinforce the Lanterns on Mogo and Baz is all, "Took your time, asshole!" I remember how Simon Baz as the thoughtful and caring Lantern who tried to get everybody to stop calling B'dg a squirrel and respectfully call him a Lantern like he deserves. But I guess now he's just a gun-wielding jerk trying pee further than everybody else.

John has already decided that everybody in the battle is a loser because the name of this comic book is Loser Army. It doesn't matter who wins because they're all using up so much energy that the universe is just rapidly being depleted of emotion. If only the Lanterns could find some kind of hope in this battle!

Why is an alien whose whole being based around math speaking in binary?! Binary is not math! It's not even really a language! It's, like, a way of counting! I hope whoever writes 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 next does a better job of it! Although she looks much cuter in blue.

The Emotional Pyramids change the emotional spectrum of anybody who comes in contact with one. It's not that big a deal until the pyramids all decide to land on Mogo at the same time. I don't think Mogo is strong enough to become a White Lantern!

Mogo doesn't become a White Lantern but he is able to control the entire emotional spectrum and drive away the Light Pirates. The Green Lanterns have won which gives John Stewart a chance to have the flashback he forgot to begin the issue with!

Thanking people in uniform has become more of an obligation which must be seen to lest you look like a right fucking bastard.

Hopefully John got a hotel room because he can't face anybody he knows right now since being in the military is a whole fucking lot more complicated than "I'm joining to protect freedom and be a hero!" I wouldn't be surprised if a huge aspect of PTSD was the conflict between what's in a returning veteran's head about what they've done and why they've done it and the way everybody views them as untarnished heroes protecting the American way of life.

With the Battle for Mogo at an end, Salaak turns his attention to discovering a way out of the universe. And now that nobody is attacking them and Mogo has super Kyle Rayner powers, Salaak easily locates a rift back to their universe in the Source Wall. But it's closed from the other side by Hal Jordan just as they prepare to enter it. Well shucks! Now they're going to have to stick around in a universe that matters less than the Earth-2 universe.

Finally, Krona decides to work with Relic to try and save Relic's universe. I guess if that happens, the DC Youniverse is kind of screwed, right? But none of that matters until January because Loser Army #6 is the final issue of this craptastrophe.

Lost Army #6 Rating: No change. Six issues later and I have no idea why this comic book was published. Did Relic's Light Pirate Universe need to be fleshed out and explored? Have the Green Lantern Corps expended all of the cosmic catastrophes possible within their own universe so they had to be sent to an earlier universe where they basically fought another rainbow war? Was the entire pitch of this book simply "The Green Lanterns find themselves in a strange place without explanation. The big surprise? They're in Relic's universe!" The response to this pitch should have been "So what's the story? Why does the story need to be told?" instead of the response I assume was given which was "*PANTS CRAPPED IN*". Ultimately, I would guess it's an attempt to fix the different color Lantern Corps so that they're not constantly battling. If all the different colors were composed of members of the original Green Lantern Corps then they would all work together. But if they ever return to their usual universe, they'll still have to deal with the other Lanterns because Twat Lobo failed to kill them all like a big failure. Maybe The Code told him to fail?

Twat Lobo #12

"Heeeellllloooooooo Cedar Rapids! Are you ready to twat?!"

Twat Lobo is taking some time off from running errands for Sinestro so that he can pay more attention to his first job as the Whip of the Void Whisper. You might be thinking, "Tess, what is that? I don't even know what the House Whip does in Congress? How am I supposed to know what it means when it comes to a Metrosexual Space Assassin?" What am I? A dictionary?! If you know what a whip is--and I'm assuming you do because you're probably a nerd and all nerds know about Catwoman and Indiana Jones--then you're halfway to knowing what a person called a whip does! They're used to incentivize an employees or coworkers! I suppose the title could have been less likely to bring up slavery if they had been called "Extorts" or "Blackmails." No wait. That last one makes me think of slavery too.

Twat Lobo is hunting drug dealers who decided to ditch their drug dealing employer and strike out on their own. So Twat Lobo is becoming a mafia story just like Catwoman! At one point, Twat Lobo mentions the Darkstars which totally does nothing for me. I think the Darkstars were mostly composed of ex-cops from Chicago.

Better be careful, Twat Lobo! You're getting a little raggedy. Don't want to accidentally slip into Real Deal Lobo territory. Unless...unless you do! Is my theory correct that Twat Lobo is just the younger version of Real Deal Lobo?!

Twat Lobo mentions how his last job was hunting red, indigo, and blue lanterns for Sinestro. He doesn't mentioned how he failed to accomplishment two-thirds of that mission! I guess The Code allows for missions to be considered complete when they are one-third done.

Twat Lobo manages to inhale half of the drugs being manufactured as he murders everybody. How dangerous can that be, right?!

Congratulations! That's about 95% of the reason it's called a drug!

I know some wiseacre is out there saying that drugs are also taken to make people feel normal. Well I'm here to say wanting to feel normal is as weird as weird gets!

Twat Lobo doesn't have any of his glowing tattoos and he's wearing his old skull belt buckle! What's going on here? Am I on drugs? Did Robson Rocha forget that he's the artist on Twat Lobo and not just Lobo?

Sort-of-Twat Lobo heads onto his ship to tell himself he applied The Code correctly but walks directly into the sexiest hallucination I've ever seen!

So many frogs! *droooool*

Sort-of-Twat Lobo begins making out with his hallucination and I'm willing to admit the art is quite good. Especially the part of the art that is the hallucination's boob pressed up against Sort-of-Twat Lobo's chest! But after kissing and before the parts I'm really interested take place, Princess Lobo tears her face off. That's when she becomes the Countess and instead of being covered in horny toads, she's crawling with Hypno-Spiders! Get out of there, Sort-of-Twat Lobo! That woman is no good for you and a rapist to boot! Although if you want to stick around to be raped again, I'm not arguing.

Sort-of-Twat Lobo realizes he's just tripping whatever Czarnians trip instead of balls (it might be balls too but I don't want to assume, having never seen what's in Twat Lobo's pants! It very well could be a vagina!) when the Countess disappears. He's got to get some coffee in him and sober up! Does coffee help sober up people tripping on hallucinogens? I really should know but I wasn't into drinking coffee back when my body was loaded up with LSD and shrooms.

Need time! But there's no time to need time!

Sort-of-Twat Lobo really should have made time to need time even if he didn't have any time because he continues to hallucinate the Countess even when he thinks he's picking up a new mission. I hope the entire run of this comic book will wind up being one big hallucination. I chose "one big hallucination" because I couldn't decide if I should use the article "a" or "an" for hallucination.

After almost choking his boss Kadra because he thought she was the Countess, Sort-of-Twat Lobo runs from her office to clear his head. Maybe this time he'll actually attempt to do just that instead of crying about how much time is left in the universe. Seriously, why does Sort-of-Twat Lobo need to worry about time? Isn't he effectively immortal?

Now Sort-of-Twat Lobo has less time than before because Kadra sends out all of her hunters to punish him for choking her. As if she didn't enjoy it.

Sort-of-Twat Lobo freaks out from the drugs and begins killing all of Kadra's hunters. Then he decides to quit which The Code allows in special circumstances like when your boss doesn't enjoy being choked or when you've taken too many drugs and have to turn into Real Deal Lobo. But first he has to hunt down and kill Hal Jordan. I don't think that will go very well because Hal Jordan is currently a bad-ass motherfucker.

Sort-of-Twat Lobo #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm throwing this issue a bone because I discovered how much I like the word "bone" after reading Green Arrow and his Bone Hunters. I'm going to create a super hero text adventure game called "Black Hunter" about an African-American super hero who hunts down white collar criminals and also racists and shit. Most scenes will involve Black Hunter arriving on scene and saying, "Never fear! Black Hunter is here!" And everybody will say "What did you say your name was?" and "Did he just say 'cunt'?" and "Is this guy in the KKK?" He'll form a superhero group to track down all the criminals they can and he'll call his team "Pack Hunt!" Oh! I should probably keep my great and not terrible ideas to myself before a white collar criminal steals them and makes thousands of dollars off of them. Instead I should say how much I actually enjoyed this issue of Twat Lobo! I think Cullen Bunn is going to steal my idea and reveal that Twat Lobo is actually Real Deal Lobo after overdosing on mystery drugs! I'm all for this series ending on that note and I will apologize to Cullen Bunn for being a jerk for so long and I will also buy him a beer. Unless he's an alcoholic and then I will buy him ten beers.

Aquaman #45

This is how responsible Aquaman is with his powers. He commands other forms of life to be furniture for him.

Cullen Bunn has really turned this character around! Aquaman now spends most of his time on land, he has a whole bunch of new magic powers, he's traveling in space, and he's been raped! I'm not sure if this is the Aquaman everybody has been clamoring for! Maybe Cullen Bunn misheard "Aquaman should ride giant seahorses!" as "Completely destroy the character and make the comic book extremely hard to care about."

So last issue after being raped by Mera's evil twin sister, Aquaman teleported to a strange planet. Maybe he's going to process the violence of what Siren did to him? I mean, it wasn't really that violent. Aquaman just thought he was being intimate with his one and only love but instead found out he was fucking somebody else. I mean, some guys might just think of that as "bonus sex." Especially since Mera can't get mad at Arthur because then she'd be blaming the victim! Although Aquaman probably shouldn't smirk and smile when he talks about it.

I'm pretty flippant about everything so it's kind of hard to really figure out where I stand on any issue but I will say this: I don't fucking care about this rape. It's no big deal. Arthur's a big boy and he can handle having had sex with somebody who turned out to be somebody else. I would say this is less traumatic than Patty being raped by Future Barry Allen who was technically the same person but pretending to be his younger self! That's some fucked up shit and I could totally understand why Patty had to break up with Barry after that even if it wasn't Barry's fault. I just hope Cullen Bunn isn't around long enough to have Mera get angry at Arthur for this encounter (which was rape).

The great thing is that nobody has to care about my opinion of how much I care!

Aquaman has been in a pulp comic for the last few months and he's just getting deeper into the pulpiness of it all. Now he's John Carter!

I was under the assumption that Aquaman was teleporting via Ya'wara's bauble but apparently it's just another magic power that was granted to him via Poseidon. Of course!

Aquaman winds up in a battle he's sure to lose against a pack of vicious predators. But a bigger creature screams and the predators run off because that's just what happens in a situation like this! When the hero can't save himself because he's terrible, he needs some kind of cliche intervention!

Aquaman, now safe, wanders off to discover that the world he's on shares a lot of similarities with Thule. Oh my gosh! Atlantis is an alien civilization! You don't get much more pulp than that!

Aquaman passes out from loss of blood from the wound Siren gave him. So he fails again and dies!

Stupid aliens. Can't they leave well enough alone?

Aquaman meets the queen of the aliens but she only speaks in garbled Old Portugese [sic]. That means that Arthur has to make a whole bunch of assumptions on why he sees architecture and creatures from Thule on this alien planet. He has no evidence for his assumptions; he has no proof for his guesses. But I'm sure he's figured it all out anyway because that just makes everything easier. He's pretty smart to figure out that Thule has been colonizing other planets. I was an idiot to think that maybe Atlantis came to Earth from this planet! That was such a stupid assumption without any evidence to back it up. Of course I was wrong!

Arthur figures out that the way to defeat the Thules is to surprise them! Wasn't that the first chapter in The Art of War? But he finds out that surprising them is going to be harder than it seems because the Thules know him! THEY FUCKING KNOW HIM!

But if that's Earth That Was, does that mean Arthur needs to travel through time as well?! And that they have a reason for hating him! Such pulpy sweet goodness!

I am actively trying to ignore the nonsense of the needing a bigger boat tag at the end.

Aquaman #45 Rating: No change. Cullen Bunn's run on Aquaman simply feels like a story he wanted to write or tell in a pulp fiction setting and he just crammed Arthur Curry into the lead role even though he doesn't belong there. Is it a good story? Who the fuck can tell because it doesn't work as an Aquaman story and Aquaman's name is on the fucking cover. I can understand how DC's editors would okay this story though because I think DC Comics really doesn't understand Aquaman. He's pretty simple at his core. He protects the sea, he's king of Atlantis, and he talks to fish. But DC is like a child who has been told over and over again that they're worthless. So they hear all the jokes about Aquaman and assume he needs to be tinkered with and changed. But he really doesn't. Just stick with his core shit no matter how silly it can be. In fact, embrace the fucking silly shit. Make him ride seahorses! Introduce a dolphin that has a huge crush on him and won't leave him alone. Give him a manatee sidekick. Do anything that involves the sea or sea animals and forget about all of this shit where he suddenly has more powers than Martian Manhunter. Come on, DC! A five year old can write a better Aquaman story!

Sinestro #16

Black Adam has the most reflective leotard in the multiverse.

I feel bad for Cullen Bunn that people told him he isn't very good at writing comic books. Poor guy. I totally get where he's coming from because all it would take is one internet troll to tell me that I'm horrible at what I do to make me quit. But so far everybody loves me. The most common response I get is, "When will you be coming to the Con in [CITY WHERE READER LIVES] so I can give you a [TYPE OF JOB]." Maybe I'll go easy on Cullen Bunn since Sinestro is, at the most extreme, far end of least, the only DC comic book he's writing somewhat competently. I suppose I can give him some warm fuzzies this month rather than heaping scorn and ridicule on him because he was terrible at writing Aquaman. How dare people call him out on that?!

This issue begins with Sinestro discussing the citizens of the capital of Khandaq.

As everybody knows, only fear of punishment from a heavy handed authoritarian figure ever keeps heavily populated metropolises from devolving into violent chaos.

Sinestro is probably visiting Khandaq to get some pointers on fear working with hope from Black Adam. Sinestro won't admit to needing pointers so he'll probably pretend he's just visiting to find out where Black Adam buys his cool black and yellow boots. Sinestro really could take a lesson from Black Adam about making a yellow and black wardrobe work. Black Adam looks cool while Sinestro looks like he should be scrubbing toilets at a five star hotel in Pittsburgh.

Sinestro wants information about The Paling because he's looking to hunt down their leader and scare the life out of him. Apparently The Paling visited Khandaq many centuries ago. If I were Sinestro, I would have asked Lyssa what I learned when I would later visit Black Adam. Then once she told me, I would not go visit Black Adam. Is that possible? Or in that case, would Lyssa tell me she doesn't know because I will never visit Black Adam. Which would mean I'd have to go visit Black Adam. Which would mean Lyssa should have seen what I learned while visiting Black Adam and then I wouldn't have had to go! Stupid Book of Parallax is useless.

Black Adam agrees to show Sinestro the secret histories which recount The Paling's visit and defeat. Of course Lyssa wants to see the histories too because she fears not knowing all the stories. But Sinestro tells her that Twat Lobo's semen might ruin the pages so she'll have to keep her ass back on Warworld. The other Sinestro members also head back to Warworld leaving Sinestro to piss off Black Adam all by himself.

All the records of all the battles of Khandaq are stored in tombs deep in the desert. Black Adam leads Sinestro to the tomb which houses the memories and histories of the time The Paling attacked Earth and Black Adam defeated them.

Sinestro's neck is freaking me out.

The tomb is guarded by living mummies who refuse to obey Black Adam's commands to stand down. So Sinestro and Black Adam have to kill a whole bunch of mummies on their way to the tomb of the Bishop of The Paling whom Black Adam killed thousands of years ago.

So what? You killed all of the others and they weren't already mostly dead.

Sinestro #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Overall, this issue was nicely put together. It feels like a chapter in a comic book that had been leading up to Sinestro coming to Earth after following a trail of clues about The Paling. Of course it didn't follow any of that at all! Instead it was all that Warworld and Twat Lobo bullshit over the last bunch of issues. If I hadn't been following any of Sinestro's New 52 exploits and this were the first issue I picked up on a spinner rack, I'd definitely pick up the next issue based on this. So judging this issue on its own merits, I enjoyed it. Sure, Sinestro lucks into finding The Pale Bishop who he had no reason to believe wasn't in contact with The Paling for the last two or three thousand years because he was in a tomb on Earth. And while it's surprising that The Pale Bishop was a Guardian (even though trying to make the Universe without emotion is a typical dick Guardian move), Sinestro shouldn't act so shocked since he pretty much recently committed genocide against the little blue bastards. What's one more?! But nothing in this wasn't anything I wouldn't expect from even the best comic books. The plot worked. The dialogue was much better than previous issues. The Narration Boxes were limited to the setup and the surprise ending. So warm fuzzies all around. If this book continues to actually tell a story about Sinestro and not about Twat Lobo, I'll be happy not to whinge on about it.

Loser Army #5

Yes, Loser Army. Not Looser Army, you numbskulls.

Has Arisia ever spoken to a professional about the abuse she suffered at the hands of Hal Jordan? He was a father figure whom she mistook for a romantic interest. Hal betrayed her trust and ignored her confusion to take advantage of her. Normally I wouldn't believe a character's costume reveals anything more than just skin but I have to think her choice of cuffed gloves, dickey, plunging neckline, and ascending skirt might have a little something to do with the sexual abuse. You don't see B'dg's little ding dong hanging out as he goes around fighting crime. But then he sought professional help after what Hal did to him.

The story begins with John Stewart having a memory of the military. It in no way should be taken as showing a foreign, imperialistic invader callously murdering a citizen of the country simply trying to defend his homeland. If that's what you saw when you opened this comic book and read the first page, you should probably stop attending those weekly Communist meetings in your disgusting friend's basement. The first page shows John Stewart not giving up the way marines never give up! He's outnumbered and outgunned by people in their own country who were not at all simply in the wrong country at the wrong time. They are obviously monsters and it's hopeful and uplifting to see John Stewart break some guy's neck because that guy was obviously about to kill lots of American children at the first opportunity. The man should not have raised a gun to the American invaders. What an idiot. Doesn't he know that he should let foreign invaders do whatever they want since there may or may not be terrorists in their country? If another country invaded America because America housed terrorists (which it totally doesn't and you should look up hypothetical in the dictionary you were thinking about buying that one time you heard somebody on the news say "mendicant"), obviously all of the Americans who hate terrorism would put their guns down and allow the invaders to do whatever they wanted in search of those terrorists.

Would this story be as exciting if every issue John Stewart flashed back to a dilemma he suffered through as an architect?

John Stewart: "Our rings have lost all charge and are useless! I remember a time the tips of all my pencils broke and Harry from two floors up had absconded with my sharpener!"

I bet the non-terrorist people of the nation being invaded had a similar thought about American soldiers ransacking their homeland!

I wish I were a naive, bloated bag of barely digested McDonalds and Krispy Kreme so that I also believed that "soldier" was a synonym for "hero." If I were a journalist in the twenty-first century, I would only do stories on Wounded Warriors because then I would be rich and nobody would ever criticize me or the subjects of my stories. I would write things like "sacrificed for our freedom" and "true American hero" and "noble choice to forgo safety and money for honor" and not write things like "lost in the choices presented by adulthood and free will" or "economic factors played a major role in choosing a military life" or "found comfort in being told what to do." I would say trite things like "They were hurt protecting your freedoms!" and "Freedom isn't free!" and "Freedom! Hero! Freedom! Hero! Freedom hero!" Man, I could get so rich if I didn't care about reality and just told people stupid bullshit that they want to hear! See also: Unitarian Minister.

Anyway, John Stewart's rousing speech about making a choice to live makes Salaak pump his fist in the air and yell "Yes!" while everybody else stands around blinking incomprehensibly. I suppose the rousing prison escape speech would have been better with some kind of interpretation device. Arisia reassures everybody in her cell as well as they stand around wondering why she's making all those weird little noises.

Great. B'dg is the only person to do anything of value and then John shits all over his accomplishment. Did you learn that in the Marines as well?! Come to think of it, he probably did.

John's lucky the rings have any charge at all! Hell, John's lucky that the prison cells were somehow connected to the storage space where the Light Pirates lock up all of their dangerous contraband!

I'd rather the Lantern Rings not announce their charge at all. I'd rather they just ran out without any warning. Or just let them stay fucking charged and get rid of this plot contrivance where the greatest weapon in the universe is constantly proving to be the most overrated weapon of all time.

B'dg also managed to find the power grid which possibly makes the Light Pirates Prison the worst designed prison of all-time. I wish John Stewart would have an architectural flashback right now. Or maybe he could have had one earlier to help out B'dg! He could have been all, "I've designed a prison or two during my architect years! The secret to designing an efficient prison was to connect all the cells to all the weapon storage areas and to all of the security rooms and to all of the power grids. We can use that to our advantage!"

Anyway, B'dg set off a time bomb that destroyed the power grid so that everybody could escape and begin a prison riot. Nobody thanks B'dg or sucks his dick even though they'd all be dead before the end of the issue without his help. Hopefully that'll come later. For now, the Loser Army needs to fight for their lives with only four rings each with just one-fifth of a charge! It's going to get tense as those percentages keep getting closer and closer to zero!

This is funny because Guy Gardner is talking about Salaak's penis. Get it? He is an alien so he might have a four pronged organ of generation!

B'dg saves Arisia's life and she's as ungrateful as John Stewart.

Nothing's ever enough to impress you assholes! Next time, I'd just let Arisia plummet to her death.

It turns out Salaak wasn't updating his online dating profile at all! He was looking at the schematics of the prison in much the same way an architect could have if he wasn't so busy remembering how he was a marine. Salaak has a plan to charge all of the rings they can find by using the prison as a power battery. But some rings have been destroyed, so I guess some of the Green Lanterns are going to have to wield the Lightsticks. Guy Gardner will probably make a Lightstick go in and out of a Lantern ring a few times while smirking lecherously.

The rest of the Lanterns have to hold off the guards while Salaak does his thing. 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 points out that she can come up with the exact odds of their survival because she doesn't have any personality. She's just a creature from a planet of math nerds. Then Jruk is killed because why not? He's a fairly new character that enough fans have embraced so that his death gives fake weight to the story. Then Kilowog looks up and says, "Heads up, Lanterns! The cavalry has arrived! What is that--" The very next panel, all of the Lanterns have rings and sticks and are back in their uniforms (or their new Lightstick Variant Uniforms). I guess John Stewart remembered how the Marines used to take a long time gearing up for battle and he thought, "Wouldn't it be better if everybody could change into their uniforms in the space between panels?!"

Once the Lanterns have the upper hand, Relic and Krona blast a hole in the side of the prison to try to steal all of the credit for the escape away from B'dg. Bastards!

Once they escape, Relic tells them that he thinks he's locked onto Mogo. They rush off to find their friend before Guy and John can have another stupid conversation about John lying to Relic. Just shut up, Guy! It doesn't matter! Stop taking stupid stands just to cause a rift in the group! Guy tries to start the conversation but John tells him to shut up. That's how that should have been settled earlier!

Meanwhile, Mogo is being attacked by Old Universe Power Batteries. And the issue ends without anybody giving the squirrel a nut.

Loser Army #5 Rating: No change. Overall, this wasn't a bad issue if you chose to read it without being a nitpicking bastard. I didn't make that choice. But it did feel as if some of the shit I usually complain about was absent. The charges of the rings constantly being the main focus of battle was left out. Guy's ridiculous stance that they not lie to Relic was curtailed. This issue didn't lose the military flashback meant to show the positive attributes John learned from being in the military but which usually just shines a light on what a dick move invading another country is. But I can't expect Cullen Bunn to care about a DC Comic book overnight, right? Hopefully he'll take my suggestion and let John Stewart be helped by memories of being an architect next issue.