Red Hood and the Outlaws #2

Sure they do! It's "θείος"! They probably just don't use it often. And they almost certainly don't use the idiom you're referring to.

The Commentary!
• This issue begins with Roy Harper wearing a dress. I think. I'm pretty sure it's Roy Harper. Red hair. Bow. Way too many fucking Narration Boxes hovering about his head.

Yeah, yeah. Definitely Roy Harper.

• Oh! I'm starting to understand why Scott Lobdell was picked to do Red Hood and the Outlaws for Rebirth! He probably still had a bunch of scripts left over from the initial series which he's just recycling for this series. I mean, how different really will Artemis be from Roy Harper?! And with Starfire's constant confusion about Earth culture, she's almost exactly like Bizarro!

• Artemis learns that warriors don't choose their weapons because their weapons choose them. Is that how it works? Is that why so many soldiers rush off to battle weaponless because no weapon ever spoke to them because they weren't insane? Maybe that's a Sun Tzu piece of wisdom! It's just stupid enough to sound like ancient wisdom. Judging by her appearance last issue, the weapon that chooses her is an insanely large and unwieldy battle axe.

• Artemis is an Amazon who worships Egyptian gods and she never thought it was weird. I wonder if Scott Lobdell accidentally researched the wrong Pantheon and just decided to go with it. Why should he let all the new information he learned go to waste? Better yet, I wonder if he didn't even notice until the editor said something? He probably wrote the dialogue between Artemis and Nephthys about the bow of Ra thinking he was nailing the whole Amazon thing. Then his editor was all, "Dude. You're using Egyptian gods. Amazons are Greek!" So then Lobdell was all, "Oh! I'll fix that with a Narration Box! 'The origin of my name is Greek. But the gods I worshipped were Egyptian.'" Is that better?!" And the editor was all, "Really? You like the double 'P' version of worshiped? Whatever. Just hand in the script."

• I wonder if Lobdell would ever admit that what I just supposed was true? It probably totally is, right?! Boy, what a fuck-up!

• Artemis is trying to get the same weapon that Jason Todd is trying to steal for Black Mask. It's probably the Bow of Ra. Unless it's the Mace of Incredible Size. Or the Lance Beyond All Normal Proportions. Or the Galactic Cannon of Ultimate Girth.

• Black Mask stands off to the side to applaud Jason Todd when he gets the upper hand. But that only lasts long enough for Black Mask to assure Jason Todd that the Bow of Ra isn't what he wants at all. He wants some kind of genetics technology (in other words, Bizarro!). Good thing everybody is so free with their information! Artemis is telling Todd all about the Bow of Ra. Black Mask is telling Todd all about the technology (you know, Bizarro!). How else could Jay make a decision if he didn't have all of this information? Good thing he was trained by Batman that it isn't enough to know your enemy, you have to really, really know your enemy! That's some good advice, right there!

• Artemis realizes Jason isn't trying to hurt her because she knew everything there was to know about battle straight out of her mother's vagina. She might be exaggerating because it took her until sixteen to realize that your weapon chooses you! Anyway, she decides she should work with Red Hood to blow his cover. He joins up with her and they turn on The Black Mask. So his undercover work is already over? I guess it's just changed because that's how Lobdell's stories work. His stories begin with a premise and then, in the next issue, he carefully wads up that premise and throws it at the wastebasket (and misses, of course) because he thought up a different premise he'd rather pursue. Obviously he had to think up a way to get Todd and Artemis working together. So he may have meant to use the Black Mask premise for just the initial issue. I'll give Lobdell the benefit of the doubt this time.

How is Red Hood impressing Black Mask now? "I always wanted an heir with morals who would turn on me the first chance he got! You're getting a raise, boy!"

• To follow Black Mask, Artemis throws Jason at the helicopter and then leaps after. As Jason crawls into the train car being stolen by Black Mask's helicopter, they have a barely comprehensible conversation.

She needs to figure out a better way to treat her metaphors?

• Artemis's metaphors are as good as they're going to get since they're being written by Scott Lobdell. They're awful and you can tell he's going to use them constantly as part of Artemis's personality. "You comparing yourself to me is like a weaker thing comparing itself to a stronger thing!"

• After Todd and Artemis stop bickering in just that way that gets fangenders underwear frothing but is actually terrible dialogue, Red Hood tells Artemis to call Mjolnir because the genetic technology in the train car with them is Bizarro. I hope he also gets out his book of antonyms or things are going to get confusing really quick!

Ranking: 0.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #10

DC Comics covers run the gamut from The Omega Men's beautifully thematic travel posters to this poorly laid out dreck.

Rating: -1 Ranking.

I am ten times dumber after reading this. And I wasn't very smart to begin with. Thanks a lert, Scert Lerbderll. Der.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #9

It's kind of unbelievable that this is an Ed Benes cover because The Joker's Daughter hardly has any boobs hanging out everywhere.

The first thing I thought of when I saw this cover was that it's a good thing Jay and Roy are fighting zombies because they're allowed to kill them without everybody getting all sourpuss faced at them. But then I realized something else: way too many stories these days deal with why the main character kills or doesn't kill (usually doesn't!). Can we all just accept that Batman isn't going to fucking kill anybody and stop having stories where he has to explain why he doesn't? Or he has to prove to a bad guy who thinks not killing is a weakness that the bad guy is wrong? The same goes for Superman! How often does a bad guy pipe up with some shit like "I've got the upper hand because I will actually kill and you are a right puss from Pusspuss, British Columbia!" You can tell my imaginary bad guy is stupid because he thinks Superman is Canadian!

Can DC just put up a poster in their offices with a list of things that we can all just take for granted? Let me start the list! Everybody else can add their own!

Things To Be Taken For Granted In Every Iteration of the DC Universe!
1. When the Metal Men are not in operation, Doc Magnus likes to stuff the Responsemeters up his rectum.

Let's build on this list, DC Fans! Not Marvel Fans allowed! You'll just make a mockery of it!

Currently in Red Hood Loves Arsenal's Junk, the Roy and The Joker's Daughter were kidnapped into Ann Nocenti's Nethers! Jason Todd has followed in the hopes of rescuing them (or at least The Joker's Daughter. Fuck Roy!). Things are going to really get crazy and interesting because the best writer at DC Comics is on the job: Scott Lobdell!

I wonder how much money Scott Lobdell is making off of the Age of Apocalypse X-men movie. He must get some kind of royalty, right? Wasn't he a big part of that garbage which is basically just more of the same from the X-men? Humans versus Mutants with a little Mutants versus Mutants because only good Mutants can stop the Bad Mutants from proving the fears of the Humans true! The Humans are just cowering, lower evolved garbagesicles.

I know! Because Scott Lobdell likes to play his scripts by ear so he changes the plot every month when he gets a new idea! Not that he had an old idea on where his old story was going. That's for pretentious writers who like to have themes and points to their stories! This is just a fun rollicking roller coaster ride of Roy Harper's Narration Joking and Jason Todd's constant whining about how dumb his partner is (while also acknowledging his big heart!).

This story is called "Harmed and Dangerous" because ha ha ha I can't breathe so funny.

Jason Todd is currently putting bullets in a new gang of bad guys who had a really witty name that I can't remember now. Hopefully Lobdell will reintroduce everybody during the first five pages that he always saves for recaps via the main character's super snarky and hilarious narration!

Oh yeah! They were the Iron Rule which isn't as witty as I remember it being. Maybe I'm just not getting the pun! Is it like the Golden Rule but harder?

As you can see, much like the Teen Titans, the Iron Rule takes care of its own. That's the most important thing to both groups! No wonder the Teen Titans seem like bad guys now. They really should start making helping people their first priority or at least move from a Superhero Comic Book to some kind of existentialist Indie rag about how hard it is to be a teenager.

Jason Todd makes sure to think about how he's going to defeat the Iron Rule by treating them as a single organism (something Ducra taught him!) so that when he defeats them the same old way (by punches and bullets and probably some kicks), it'll seem like it was a well-written answer to how he overcame this new problem.

Meanwhile, Roy Harper needs to get some Narration Joking in so it's his turn for a few pages. I forget what he was up to because I probably hated it. He's discovering an old stadium which is now underground because this area was flooded a hundred years ago and you know how when building are flooded they soon sink under the ground and into caverns so that they're not flooded anymore and the water stays above them and it's all very heady geology that's tough for a lot of people to understand so I'll stop explaining it.

No! Don't do it! It's not worth your sanity!

Roy stumbles upon Joker's Daughter being held captive by some asshole whose face she burned a grin on way back in that Catwoman series previously mentioned. That asshole's plan is to knock down a few pillars and cause Gotham to collapse into the Nethers. Which totally doesn't make any sense because the space is so huge that Gotham should have simply collapsed into it a long time ago. I hate the Gotham Underground. I like my comic books to be unbelievable but there's a line! And that line is almost always crossed by Ann Nocenti!

The Iron Rule were paid by Charon to kill everybody in the Nethers which makes less sense than anything else since Charon is going to bring Gotham down on their heads anyway. Speaking of which, he's going to bring it all down on his own head as well. I don't think he's thought his plan through very well. I also still don't know why he needs The Joker's Daughter. It's possible he mentioned it previously but why would I waste any brain matter remembering shit Lobdell wrote?

Jason Todd's battle with Iron Rule isn't any sort of epic. They get the upper hand. Then Jason Todd gets the upper hand by pointing out that he's following the training of Ducra and letting his body be the weapon. But then that totally fails even though it's not supposed to and he's caught by the Iron Rule. But then he somehow winds up on a ledge above them while one of the Iron Rule says, "That was some toss." I don't know who tossed him. I don't know what happened. But I do know that Jason Todd didn't survive this battle by his own skill. He might as well be dead because he's terrible at superheroing.

The Joker's Daughter tries to kill herself when she kills Charon by throwing him into the lava. But Roy saves her with a Save Somebody's Life Arrow and then it's time for the feelings even though this comic book gives me no reason to feel anything for any of these characters except irritation and annoyance.

Oh! Oh! I'm a stupid fucking fan who feels every feeling for Jason Todd because he's such a precious baby fluff and I can't tell when he's being written horribly because I've projected every one of my own issues onto him and he must be kept safe in the way that I like to believe I wasn't (even though I totally was and am really just blowing life with my parents way out of proportion)! Boo hoo! Heroics!

The story ends with Joker's Daughter leaving the rotting Joker face with the lava people and Roy thinking about his last mercenary group he ran until they went rogue: The Iron Rule! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #9 Rating: No change. Here's how a Scott Lobdell book about youths goes: Lobdelled first page, title that's a bad pun and/or song title, snark, snark, snark, terrible jokes, terrible jokes, more irritating snark, bad joke, bad joke, snark, snark, killing that winds up not being killing because the Boys have changed their ways, bad snarky joke which irritates, moment where Jason Todd sees something in somebody else and wants to save them, moment where Roy Harper uses his experience as an alcoholic to help out, feeling of guilt and shame. Oh wait. That feeling of guilt and shame is just me after I'm done reading the comic book.

Don't forget to add stuff to the list of shit that should be taken for granted in the DC Universe, okay?

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #8

Me color good!

Rating: -1 Ranking. This comic book is dumb. It would please me greatly to come up with more intellectually viable criticism but why should I waste my fucking time on it when Lobdell obviously doesn't waste any time writing his scripts. Watch, I'll come up with one right now!

Red Hood and Arsenal get into a conflict with some mean people (artist, draw them however you like! Make the guys bad-ass and the women hot! Maybe their names will be Speed Clash, Flight Monster, Bag of Lust, and Circle Quirk)! The bad guys threaten Jaybird and the other one. Jaybird and the other one say some bad-ass stuff and act nonchalant and stuff. Roy thinks some thoughts that will have lots of jokes that I'll come up with after seeing the art. It'll totally be hilarious. Jay and the other one--fuck. What was his name? Oh, I'll ask the editor later if he's not busy groping the new intern--kill the bad guys. But then I'll probably make it so they didn't kill them because I guess they're not killers now and I'll write them as if they never were and they're totally empathic and crap. Jaybird will be all annoyed at the other one because the other one will be all, "I'm a slacker and shit! Total rockabilly genius too!" Oh crap! I forgot to remind the reader that he was a rockabilly genius in this new issue! It's a good thing Tess made up this new script for the next issue so I can point that out and everybody will be all, "Ha! Yeah! So Rockabilly! I guess!"

That would totally go to print, right? Pay me my money!

Convergence: Batman and Robin #2

One of these two characters is the greatest character Grant Morrison ever created.

If you're a big nerd and just love to be a huge pedantic jerk-face, you're probably chomping at your Cheetos-covered bit to point out that technically Grant Morrison didn't create Damian Wayne. The technically in that is important because obviously Grant Morrison created the character! Denny O'Neil created a world in which Batman had a son with Talia but that was just off-canon, semen-covered pablum. The semen is the important part of that descriptor because it seeded Grant Morrison's vagina mind and got it pregnant with Damian Wayne. I'm glad pedantic jerk-faced nerds don't know anything about sex or else they'd get all pedantic about me saying a vagina can get pregnant!

Last issue, Damian met the Red Hood for the first time. Unless he didn't. He seemed not to know that the Red Hood was previously a Robin because he got all heartbroken that Batman would treat the guy like family. It's also possible, since I know nothing about the Pre-Flashpoint years (except that Grant Morrison wrote a lot of shit I should probably read), that Damian was using that "treating this strange jerk like family" line because he knows it's Jason Todd under that mask. He's trying to tell Batman, in the only way he knows how (by being a little asshole), that Batman is a shitty father who loves dead kids better than alive kids, and he doesn't even love dead kids that much if they return from the grave. People without their own opinions are the easiest people to deal with. And you know how many opinions dead people have, right?! No wonder Bruce loves his mother and father so much. They were only able to fail him once. Imagine how much more angst Batman would have if he had to grow up as a teenager around them?!

Last issue ended with the C-List Extremists challenging Batman, Robin, Red Hood, and Scarlet to a battle. But Batman is all, "We don't fight just because somebody told us we fight. But we will fight to defend our lives which is kind of the same thing but at least it's on our terms. So there."

Okay, they sound like poorly written siblings. They must know each other.

Has anybody ever had their breakfast peed on? Why would anybody even assume that happened when they meet somebody in a bad mood? Aren't there more unlikely reasons that a person is annoyed and disgruntled in the morning? I would assume that they're still just getting over the intrusion of reality on their dreaming life. Waking life is the worst part of life. It takes me at least eight hours after waking to acclimate to it.

After all the living dolls are destroyed and the Extremists join the fight, the dialogue really gets interesting!

Scarlet really nails her big line!

I think somebody is writing this Marvel style! You know, that's where Ron Marz hands a "script" to Denys Cowan that looks something like this:

Page 1-4 or something: The Bat-family is overrun by Carny's living dolls.
Page 1-10 or something: The Extremists join the fight and everybody fights.
Page whatever to whatever: The fight is resolved and stuff.
Page the last pages: Damian and Batman almost hug. That should be clear but if you have any questions, text me! I'm going to go blow my fat Convergence money on hookers now!"

I've read that panel with Scarlet and, um, Meanstreak? about seven times because it's so awful. I keep trying to make it sound clever by stressing different words, or imagining they're having sex. It's especially terrible since this is only the second time Scarlet has even gotten to put words in a word balloon. She's an enigma wrapped in an enigma encased in an enigma!

How did Ron Marz once make Wizard's List of Hottest Writers?

Why even have Batman say anything if he's just going to stand there asking their names? Why is he doing that? Has he forgotten who they are after getting punched in the face a dozen times by Brute? Is this Batman's way of showing disappointment that they haven't taken care of their rivals yet? Wouldn't it be better if he just said nothing?

Actually, the Extremists don't live by the rules at all which is why they destroyed their homeworld. Which also means they probably make the rules since nobody else was left to make any. Unless that's just Lord Havok's job, and then Death Angel is being as honest as she can.

When I first glanced at that panel, I thought Damian was laughing at what Death Angel was saying. Then I read Death Angel's dialogue, saw that it was incredibly boring, and realized Damian is simply laughing at Jason Todd getting his face slashed off. That kid is a dick, isn't he?!

The action only gets more incredible as Brute recovers and attacks Batman before Damian or Jason can answer him. As Brute grabs Batman's cape, Batman says, "You again." It almost makes me quit reading comic books once and for all. But then Damian Wayne calls Carny fat (again!) and I go so far past quitting comic books that I'm back to reading them again! Red Hood kicks Death Angel because he can't grapple with her or punch her because he's holding a gun in each hand. If he's not going to shoot her, he really should put the guns away. And finally, Scarlet pulls out a teeny little knife and says to Meanstreaker, "That's a knife! This is a knife too!" She probably should have pulled out her blade earlier before her face got all slashed up.

You know, I think I have a comic book from way back called Scarlet. Wasn't it about vampires? Is this that Scarlet? Is that why she doesn't say much? Vampires don't say much usually. At least that was true before Ann Rice got her hands on them and then, oh boy! Stop whinging on, Lestat! Just accept your life as a vampire and stop being such a fucking baby! Even Louis who is far more likeable and kind accepts his Salem's Lot in life! Anne wrote Interview With a Vampire in which Lestat and Louis seemed to say everything that needed to be said. But then fucking Lestat couldn't stop going on and on about how life fucked him and he needed his own book. And still that wasn't enough because we still had to hear about how Lestat was his own worst enemy and constantly drove away everybody he loved in Tale of the Body Thief! That's about where I stopped reading so if Lestat was still rolling around in his own piss and misery, I, for one, wasn't reading any more about it.

Batman allows himself to get the lower hand with Brute so that Damian and Jason will work together to save Batman. Then Batman is all, "Good jorb, guys! Did you hear how I pronounced 'job' as 'jorb'? That was me kidding around with my sons! You're both my sons and I love you a lot! Now let's fight these bad guys together!" And Jason Todd and Damian Wayne hug and then go running into battle holding hands.

Scarlet must have died while the kids were helping Batman.

Throughout the entire comic book, Carny goes on and on about playing and games. It was only now, about eighteen pages in, that I got the hint! Hey! This guy likes playing games! Ha ha!

Brute grabs Jason and Damian just as the Convergence Earthquake hits and shakes the old building apart and turns Gotham into a no man's land. Probably. Brute falls off the building but Damian grabs Jason's hand and falls off the building and then Batman grabs Damian's hand and doesn't fall off the building, even though he's crying his eyes out because Jason Todd said "dead in an alley." What an unfeeling asshole!

After the fight, Batman asks, "Are either of you hurt?" See, that's supposed to be a call back from last issue when Damian did not ask if Batman was hurt when he obviously was very hurt. He's teaching his son how to be a man! Or maybe he's actually asking if either one is emotionally butthurt because he showed more love for one or the other during the fight. Also, he doesn't ask if Scarlet is hurt because he's all, "Who is Scarlet? Was somebody else fighting on our side?"

Scarlet ties up all the bad guys while the Bat-Family watches. I guess billionaires and their families are too good for the blue collar work of cleaning up the crime scene. Dicks.

See, Batman? Hugs aren't lethal.

Well! I'm glad Jason Todd is over the whole "I was killed by The Joker and you didn't kill him at all afterward so you must not love me!" thing he was suffering from. And Batman found the ability to do that move where you immobilize a criminal but you just do it softer and people feel comfort from it. Nice jorb, Batman!

Superman stops by to rub his father and mother in Batman's face. They don't hug because that would be totally gay and the paparazzi might be watching and then the headline on some rag sheet will be all, "Batman and Superman...Bat butt buddies?!" And then Superman and Batman will have to be even more cautious when they fuck in the sky. But they leave each other on good terms because they're both dads now and they have no idea what's going to happen after Convergence ends. I wonder if even DC Comics knows?

Convergence: Batman and Robin #2 Rating: This issue wasn't as awful as the first issue although it was 90% fight with horrible dialogue thrown in. Nobody really acknowledges Scarlet and the final panel with Batman, Robin, and Red Hood completely leaves her out. Did I just imagine her? The final few pages were a bit rushed but that was fine. This whole Convergence thing is about leaving characters in a completely different place than they've ever been (or haven't been for a long time). So Batman and Superman are accepting their changing roles as fathers and realizing they have a new responsibility to the world. Damian and Jason have a grudging respect for each other. And Jason Todd has let the past go so he can hang out with daddy. This issue deserves 6 Dead Parents in an Alley out of 10.

Divergence: The Omega Men
"For 200 years the Citadel has controlled the worlds of the Vega star system. Millions have resisted. Millions have died. Billions have surrendered. Six fight on."

Did The Omega Men really need to be rebooted? Does anybody think they'll accidentally strike gold again and create another rock star character like Lobo? I have my doubts! I also have my doubts that this series will be interesting!

I think Tom King, the writer, came from television, right? I could ask Lord Google but fuck him. We're fighting right now because I asked him for an innocent search term and he returned row after row of erect phalluses. Jerko! Anyway, the opening scene is quite cinematic and done in that "Keith Giffen/Brady Bunch" style. It starts with a robot and a probably cat person and a big broot...er, brute in a robe setting up a set for a ransom video. Or a cutting off the captured person's head video but I think DC Comics is probably thinking twice about publishing touchy stuff like that right now.

Okay dammit. This is a good set-up for the series. I'm in.

I hope Fox News doesn't get a whiff of this and portray it as a pro-ISIS comic book!

The man in the hood is Kyle Rayner which makes me hope the beheading is actually going to happen! No, no! I'm just kidding! No wait! Kidding about beheadings is probably worse than actually beheading somebody! And kidding about a fictional beheading is probably worse than that! I take back everything I said forever and completely apologize and will now think whatever thoughts won't offend anybody forever.

Kyle came to the Omega Men with words of peace from The Citadel. At least, that's what Kyle thought. But the history has proven that these negotiations are full of lies and betrayals. Kyle may have thought he was negotiating peace but he's just caught up in a conflict that can only end with one side's complete destruction.

Oh. There's the cat person!

Tigorr goes to slit Kyle's throat but the tape goes all wonky the way VHS tapes were wont to do in the time before fire was invented. So Kyle probably didn't actually die at all. He's probably going to join the Omega Men and help them defeat The Citadel. That's cool. Dead or not dead, Tom King just got me interested in The Omega Men and Kyle Rayner.

Holy fuck this Divergence comic was heavy. Beautifully put together. Nicely done, Tom King. I hope the Convergence Weekly lives up to this eight page mini!

P!S!: Never mind all that stuff where I confused Tom King with Jeff King. I probably should have consulted Lord Google! Also I should remember names betterer.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #40

This issue had better not end with a "To be continued in the stupid annual!"

Good riddance, losers! This is the part where the boring assholes sing "Hey hey hey! Goodbye!" And then they high-five each other in celebration of doing the most trite and boring thing they could have done out of all things in the entire world! And this is me doing the same thing but pretending it's being done by a couple of fictional dickspasms!

The issue begins with Helspont sneaking up on Red Hood and the Outlaws because Roy said, "It can't get any worse!" So unless Scott Lobdell forgets he ended last issue with that line, somebody is going to berate Roy for his choice of words.

Hmm, I guess Lobdell forgot to finish his joke. But that's no surprise! He often forgets how he ended his scripts the month before. Reading trade paperbacks of his stories must be nearly incomprehensible.

Anyway, the Outlaws defeat Helspont in four pages or something.

I hope the rest of the comic book is just advertisements for army men, sea monkeys, and Grit.

Darn it. They didn't really defeat Helspont that easily. Shucks! He comes back at them with a counterattack while proving that English is just his second language.

Perhaps "presume" is the word you're looking for?

Rose Wilson throws two swords into Helspont's chest and everybody is shocked when they barely faze him. I mean, it's understandable that he survived gun shots and the explosive arrow to the chest and Starfire's sun bolts. But swords? Come on! This is one tough son of a bitch!

Blackfire shows up and is all, "Surprise to nobody! I'm with Helspont! Tee hee!" Rose Wilson is all, "I see you're the prudish sister, Starfire!" And Starfire is all, "Take that back! I guzzle cum way better than Blackfire!" And Roy is all, "Totally!" And Starfire is all, "How do you know how much cum my sister can guzzle?!" And Roy is all, "Whoops!"

"Tee hee! Your general is in blow job position, sir!"

Helspont's army of Citadel warriors take control of the situation. Too bad they've been written to have a single, fatal flaw! Crux, having researched every alien in the universe somehow while living on Earth, knows that every soldier of the Citadel's brain is wired directly to their armor which is wired directly to every other piece of armor which are all wired directly to a three meter hole big enough to bullseye a womp rat! Whew! I was afraid Scott Lobdell was going to create an unbeatable army!

Blackfire actually loves Starfire so she blasts Helspont in his junk instead of killing her sister's friends. The Citadel soldiers stand around thinking, "Should we do something or just wait around for Crux to shut us down?" Blackfire gets thrown hundreds of miles away by Helspont as he nurses his blasted testicles which might now be oozing pus and madness. Then Jason Todd shoots the kneecaps out of the one Citadel soldier standing nearby so that Crux can play Angry Birds while sitting on top of him. Todd grabs the big gun of the Citadel soldier and starts blasting Helspont in the face with it. Helspont falls over thinking, "What the fuck happened to me? I used to be a powerful bad ass! But now I keep getting beat by arrogant bastards who hide behind guns and red masks! Fuck you Grifter and Red Hood! I will have my revenge!"

In the space of just two minutes, Rose Wilson has racked up one-third of the kills her father has scored in his entire life (according to his own comic book (but prior to his killing three hundred of Odysseus's blind henchmen)!).

Arsenal manages to kill one soldier. I guess that's pretty good for a guy with a bow. Plus, he must have been busy building the monstrous spider gun he uses to blow the ultimate omnifuck out of Helspont. All that's left of Helspont is his arm so I'm going to say he's really and truly dead now. No way he can ever come back from that. Nope! As dead as a door nail named Ted Kord!

Although Ted Kord is really and truly back in Justice League 3000 so I guess I can't use that comparison anymore.

After the battle, Starfire heads home to Tamawhatever with Crux piloting the ship and her sister trying not to die in sick bay. Arsenal is all, "Well, it was fun!" And Starfire is all, "Yeah! We'll probably never see each other again because Scott Lobdell is still going to be writing your comic book and DC Comics probably knows better than to let him write me ever again!" And Roy is all, "I know, right?!" And Jason Todd is all, "We were OUTLAWS!" And everybody is all, "What the fuck does that mean?"

The end!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #40 Rating: No change. Hey hey hey! Goodbye! *HIGH-FIVES EVERYBODY!*

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39

How does Starfire's top even work? How does it stay in place? Super glue?

I don't really get Writer's Block so much as Turning Whatever Word or Phrase Pops Into My Head Into A Version of The Spider-Man Cartoon Theme Song Block. So I'll begin a commentary and just start typing something "Writer's Block! Writer's Block! Does whatever a Writer's Block does! Turns your stories into shite then makes you write about what to write! Look out! Here comes the Writer's Block!" Since I wanted to be Spider-Man back when I was a little tyke, I'm willing to guess about fifteen percent of my life has been me turning things into the Spider-man song. Possibly the only time I've ever felt a connection to Homer Simpson was when he sang the Spider-Pig song. Aside from his desire to fuck doughnuts, of course.

If you've been reading my commentaries for some length of time (masochists!), you'll have encountered a few of my versions of the theme song. Mostly I'm able to keep them bottled up. Nobody wants to read a new version of the Spider-Man cartoon theme song two or three times a day.

It's also difficult to say you have Writer's Block when you're just typing up snarky comments about the comic book you're currently reading. I definitely run the gamut concerning my desire to be writing about a comic book. So sometimes you'll get a half-assed synopsis of Batman and Superman's trip to Kandor because I'd rather be playing Magic the Gathering on the Xbox while other times you'll get a lovingly worded and fondly written Batgirl diary entry crafted across two to three hours. Sometimes the reviews are a labor and sometimes they're a labor of love. Sometimes I just need to get another comic book off the stack, and other times I'm thoroughly invested in the story and excited by the characters.

Mostly though, I'm just avoiding thinking about death.

Believe it or not, that last sentence was a joke! I like to keep the mood of my commentaries light and whimsical with just a hint of rotting in the grave!

Oh shit! I distracted myself so well with the previous Spider-Man bit that I forgot I was about to read a Scott Lobdell comic book until I picked it up and opened it to this:

Not quite Lobdelled in my traditional definition of "Lobdelling a comic book," but close enough for my tastes.

I wonder if Jason Todd knows that Batman once had to wage the same battle against Venom? Way back before Bane was even a sperm clot in Chuck Dixon and Doug Moench's throats. Apparently that story was by Denny O'Neil (the creator of Venom (the drug, not the alien symbiote!)). I guess Replacement Batman's use of Venom over in World's End is a callback to that story. Although it hadn't occurred to me before this because Replacement Batman had been using Miraclo in Earth-2 and only switched over to Venom while in World's End. I guess because Val-el or Power Girl or The Huntress or somebody destroyed his supply of Miraclo because it was an addictive drug. But then nobody seemed to give a shit when he upped his prescription to Venom.

Now Jason Todd had to struggle with using Venom because why wouldn't he use a drug to enhance his normal capabilities? I mean, he's a teenager, right? And Scott Lobdell knows all about the lives of teenagers! That's why Red Hood, Arsenal, and Starfire's lives are filled with relationship drama and battles against illicit substances and bitter resentment towards adults.

Also, teenagers love to parody misquotes from movies nearly seventy years old.

Granted, that near quote of the line from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre has just become one of those quotes that has a full and vibrant life outside of its original source. So I'm sure if you ask Roy where the quote is from, he'll say he heard it from some modern movie or television show.

Fun Fact: I never knew where the abridged version of the quote was from until just now when I asked Lord Google about the quote so I could find a list of modern movies and television shows where it's appeared. Princess Wikipedia states that the more popular, shortened version of the line comes from The Monkees. So when I was a kid watching that show in syndication (I can still hear Mickey Dolenz saying it!), I may have learned the line from there and, like Roy here, gone around quoting it without realizing it was from a thirty plus year old movie. So I guess teenagers do love to parody quotes from ancient sources! They just probably think that the quote comes from whatever source they heard it from first and then argue with anybody who tells them differently. I know I would have!

Princess Wikipedia also has this to say about the line: "In a 1983 episode of TV series Wizards and Warriors, the character Marko (played by Walter Olkewicz) delivers a spoof of the line as 'Badgers? We don't need no stinkin' badgers'." I loved that show as a swords and sorcery, Dungeons and Dragons, mythology obsessed twelve year old! I know, I was totally not like any other twelve year old, right?! Princess Wikipedia says she needs a citation for that quote. I should get her the citation since I have that series burned to DVD! I'll find the scene where Jacques Renault says it! But later. I'm busy reading another fantastic Scott Lobdell comic book right now.

What does that mean?! Is that a compliment? "I don't need an illicit substance that will eventually consume my every waking thought and send my life spiraling out of control. I've got you!"

Meanwhile in the jungle, Blackfire and Starfire have a normal sisterly interaction.

Blackfire: "I'm so glad I traveled across the universe and found you tied to a tree so I can kill you!"
Starfire: "What? No! Don't!"
Blackfire: "I am so excited to get to kill you after whatever it is you did recently to make me mad at you again even though I thought we were getting along and shit."
Starfire: "Why am I not dead yet?"
Blackfire: "God, if I wasn't able to kill you myself, I don't know what I'd do! It's like the only thing that's been keeping me going for like the last ten hours or something."
Starfire: "Um, you don't really want to kill me, do you?"
Blackfire: "I'm just savoring the moment! It's not like you're going to be rescued way out here in the middle of this jungle! I have time to enjoy the arousal brought on by a job well done nearly completed!"
Starfire: "Um, hey, weren't you busy being a Queen or something?"
Blackfire: "Oh yeah! That's a long story that I probably have time to tell and then still kill you after! Let me tell it to you!"
Starfire: "What's that sound?"
Blackfire: "Oh! Get down even lower than you already are lying on the ground in chains! It is a patrol of Citadel monsters that I am running from and why I have come to get help from you!"
Starfire: "Wait. What? Is fucking Helspont behind the way you're acting?"

I guess Blackfire has to keep up the appearance that she wants Starfire dead because she's being observed by Helspont but his ability to observe her only works occasionally which allows Blackfire to tell Starfire why she really sought her out after claiming to want to kill her? Or Scott Lobdell is doing that thing where one comic book ends one way and then he begins the next one another way because he either can't remember where he meant for the story to go or he just thought up a new plot point that works better than the vague, bullshit he'd been planning earlier?

Manufactured indignation! Faux outrage! Increased drama! Characterization!

Immediately after this, Crux's ship is hit by a missile and blows up. I guess the monkeys in this jungle have some serious feces throwing technology. Crux manages to pull Roy Harper from the explosion but not Red Hood, so I guess he's dead. Crux also gets shot while flying Roy to safety, so I guess he's dead too.

If you're one of those people who refuse to look at the cover of their comic books to avoid spoilers, you'd be surprised to find that Rose Wilson is the one behind the attack. She's trying to kill the Red Hood which completely explains why she's in this jungle waiting for him.

Jason Todd and Rose Wilson's initial conversation goes like this:

Jason Todd: "Hey, Rose. Love that mask."
Rose Wilson: "Yeah. I'd considered a heart tattoo that said 'Jason' with an axe hacking it in two."

I know I usually make up those dialogues but that was the actual dialogue this time. It was split up across two pages so scanning it was a problem. But it's such a horrible interaction that I thought it needed to be documented here in this Anti-Lobdell safe-zone. So Rose's response to her mask is to tell Jason that he broke her heart and that she figured a mask was better than a horrible face tattoo. I suppose that's what passes for snarky, hilarious banter in a Scott Lobdell comic book. Also, Rose and Jason were an item?

Whether it's Superboy and Wonder Girl, Cheshire and Arsenal, or Rose Wilson and Jason Todd, apparently Scott Lobdell is incapable of writing a fight scene between a male and a female without making them flirt awkwardly. "Oh! Oh! I want to kill you! Or fuck you!" "Eww, you make me so angry! But you're so cute!" "It's too bad I have to cut your dick off instead of putting it inside of me!"

Meanwhile, Blackfire takes off some of her clothes which seems almost impossible for her to still be wearing anything after stating she took off some clothes. I guess she needed to compete with her sister's male gaze. Half of the ink now being used on the Starfire/Blackfire scenes is orange and is being used on boobies.

Starfire and Blackfire bond and not a word is said about how Blackfire threatened to kill her. I guess that was just the kind of hyperbole a sister uses when she finds her sibling tied to a tree in a jungle whacked out on Space Crank. Blackfire tells Starfire to take it easy while she heads out to run an errand.

"Just let me put even less clothing on than I'm currently wearing first. Be back in a jiff!"

Double meanwhile, Rose Wilson joins up with Red Hood, Arsenal, and Crux for some reason. It's not like she just tried to murder them and then hunted around the wreckage hoping to find gory evidence of that murder or anything. She was just teasing! Also, her job wasn't to kill Jason Todd as we saw in a previous panel. They're just a distraction. Her real job must involve killing Tamaraneans! Or Citadelians? Or monkeys?

Turns out Rose is definitely hunting Starfire (again, only a surprise to the people that got the Harley Quinn variant cover) because Starfire has made a lot of enemies buying drugs from them recently.

Wrong. Your conversation about how long the fight would last was three seconds. I hate to side with Jason Todd but you're wrong, Roy Harper. Although I do love to side against Roy Harper!

I know for an artist it's always more visibly stimulating to have two antagonists rush each other with fists cocked. But Rose has a sword which she's deadly with so why didn't she pull it out? And Starfire shoots bolts of energy so why didn't she just remain hovering out of Rose's reach while burning her face off? I think these two women just wanted to touch. And they probably did it for the males watching!

Much quicker than usual, everybody realizes they're basically on the same side and nobody is using drugs anymore. That's because the trend at DC Comics is for happy and whimsical with less grim and gritty angst. Now instead of everybody battling their inner demons, it's time to battle the outer demons congregating in the jungle making Space Crank! I wonder if Blackfire is behind it all, the traitorous wench!

Oh yeah. And Helspont. Blackfire and Helspont are behind it all!

It's not overly done or anything to have a character say that it can't get any worse. And I bet it won't feel overdone next month when Jason Hood says to Roy, "You just had to say it couldn't get any worse, didn't you?"

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39 Rating: No change. This issue was just as poorly done as I expect it to be but at least it's coherent. Kind of. I mean, the whole Blackfire/Starfire exchange was weird. And that part where Rose blows up Red Hood's ship and tries to kill him even though she loves him was odd. And the fact that they all decide to work together didn't make much sense. And a lot of the dialogue was terrible. And the weird about-face Lobdell decided to do with his drug plots was enjoyably amateurish. Although the Helspont reveal on the last page was original and well written! No? Hmm, maybe this wasn't as coherent or as well put together as I'd thought. Oh well!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #38

Yay! We've all been waiting for the return of Crux, xenophobe that turned himself into a xeno!

Maybe I'll like Red Hood and the Outlaws better if I treat it like a sitcom. I'll just pretend that the world resets every month and then when Lobdell changes things from issue to issue to fit his new version of the story, I won't have an aneurysm!

The issue begins with Crux in Arkham Asylum. He's being treated by a man in a wheelchair with his finger glued to his bald head. It looks like he's thinking really hard about how he's going to help his new patient get over his hatred of aliens! He also looks like he might be using his Charles Xavier mental powers that he probably has since Scotty loves repurposing X-men stuff in his DC Comics. The orderlies even call him "Professor!" Like in Professor Charles Xavier! Although this professor has a goatee making him a totally different character. Oh, and he's got brown skin instead of Charles "never been in the sun" hue.

Surprise! The Professor is actually Jason Todd! Crux realized who he was when he smelled Todd's fart.

Crux tells Red Hood that he's going to kill him but Red Hood tells Crux a joke. Then Crux tries to bite Red Hood while Red Hood is holding two guns in his hand. Luckily one of his guns instantly transforms into a knife so he can stab Crux in the tongue! I bet that's one of those new Wayne Enterprises Gun-to-Knife prototypes. Red Hood is almost killed when he nearly lands on a spiked iron fence but Crux saves him because of that thing where the bad guy always wants to torture the good guy for as long as possible before killing him. That always works out well!

Well, I guess that's why he saved him! He loooooooooves him!

Way back in Issue #5 (or something) when the Outlaws defeated Crux, I was sort of worried that he'd join the team because he was an awful character. But now I hope he's going to join the team because he's an awful character and fits right in! It just took me longer to realize that Jason Todd, Roy Harper, and Starfire were all awful characters as well. I was still under the assumption that they were interesting due to their Preboot incarnations. Who knew the New 52 mandate was to make them all so unlikable?!

Crux spent his time in the Asylum changing shape and walking around acting condescending to the other inmates in order to help them get better. Then he'd pretend to be a raving, psychotic dragon during the day so that he could remain in Arkham because he so enjoyed wandering about at night being a condescending, self-righteous asshole to Two-Face and The Mad Hatter and Bane and The Scarecrow. I'm sure he thoroughly helped them all because he was so much smarter than they were. He is, after all, a Scott Lobdell character which means he's the best at whatever he does. I don't know what that is though. Archaeology? Alien physiology? Genetics of some kind?

Crux becomes the new pilot for the Outlaws since they have been using his ship. And then they rush off to rescue Starfire from doing drugs! Too bad they don't find her first!

Now they have to rescue Starfire from her sister! But that's okay since Starfire had already rescued herself from the drugs by placing herself in Chained To A Tree In The Jungle Rehab.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is so much better when I punch myself in the head eighteen times before reading it! I hope Crux stays on the team. I know I flipped out earlier when I thought Crux was going to join the team way back when they first encountered him, but I think the fact that he didn't join was a missed opportunity. This team needs fresh blood in it. And Starfire needs a new person to fuck.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Annual #2

"My name is Santa Claus. I invade homes and shoot Goddamn motherfuckers in the head once per year. I have such rabid fans that they can read a story about me written by Scott Lobdell and delude themselves into believing it was well written."

My stomach hurts just looking at this cover. For a fan of these characters who can somehow see past the horrible writing (and, worst, rationalize it as decent writing), this cover promises an exciting, hilarious Christmas romp. But for me, I just see a series of horribly unfunny jokes made by three of DC's most unlikable characters of The New 52.

Maybe this will be my Christmas Miracle! Maybe Scott Lobdell will finally put some effort into his plot and his characterization and his dialogue! Maybe the whole story won't rely on Narration Boxes telling what the character is thinking about the action and then more Narration Boxes telling me what the character is thinking about the previous Narration Boxes! Maybe it will even be...funny! Please, Baby Jesus, grant this miracle for me! Let me enjoy at least one Scott Lobdell comic book this year!

Holy fuck I'm in Hell.

So right off the bat, we get a Roy Harper as a small child with a boner joke, Deadpoolesque acknowledgement of the Narration Boxes, and outright lies from Starfire! They were on Tamaran this year and Roy Harper's Narration Boxes never stopped! So they do have them on Tamaran! Unless she means Tamaraneans don't Narration Box. But then Starfire has been known to engage in her own Narration Boxing, so she's still lying!

See? Although these Narration Boxes don't have her symbol to prove it's Starfire, you can tell from context it's her, the big cum dumpster!

Currently, The Outlaw Babies are sneaking down the staircase in Wayne Manor to spy on Santa Claus. In the background, Alfred Pennyworth is busy dusting when he should be busy grabbing his shotgun and blowing the shit out of the burglar in the Santa Claus outfit. How do I know it's a burglar, kids? Well duh! Because Santa Claus isn't real..ly that fat! Also, why would Santa Claus deliver crappy elf-made goods to Wayne Manor?! Whatever Bruce has purchased for the kids is going to be way better, bat-shaped, and deadlier than anything Santa's elves could make.

I told you it was too fat to be the real Santa Claus! Because I could totally tell and I wasn't just trying to cover up almost blowing the secret! Shush. You kids don't need to know what secret I'm talking about.

Oh no! It's the Suzie Su zombie Santa Claus against Red Hood and the Outlaw Muppet Babies! I'm laughing so hard right now! Ah ha ha ha!

Jason Todd Baby explains why they call themselves the Outlaws although they never really have because in Issue #37, Roy Harper admits that he's the only one that calls themselves that. But now he's decided they call themselves Outlaws, so I guess they call themselves Outlaws. They do it because they operate outside of the law! I mean, not in the same way Batman does. Or Superman does. Or every other fucking vigilante does. They do it in a cool way that's cool to the kids and makes them all cool and likable and full of angst and cool.

After they kill Suzie Su and scoop out her insides, Batman comes down to put them back to bed.

See? Being cool is important!

So far in the first nine pages, somebody has told somebody else to shut up or be quiet or shush six times! It's like the comic book is reading my mind! I've been screaming at them all to shut up every page! And six out of nine is almost every page! It's only like four or five off.

More proof that I used "cool" the correct amount of times when I described how Red Hood and the Outlaws operate.

Batman punishes the Outlaws by locking them in the Batcave where they can't get up to no good no matter how hard they try. Not like the Batcave is full of Batinternet without Porn Blockers or Teen Titans cartoons running on the monitor or a giant chocolate penny or a dinosaur that loves chocolate pennies or a Batmobile that eats super villains or a couple of gargoyles that look like Statler and Waldorf. Perfect place to ground some bratty brats that think killing an intruder that's trying to kill them is the proper way to act on Christmas Eve.

Red Hood and the Outlaws decide it's up to them to save Christmas! Because the adults are dicks and totally uncool and never actually know what's really going on ever. Especially that stupid Green Arrow one! How dare he use Roy to make all of his weapons and then allow Roy to be his sidekick so that Jason Todd could make that "worst sidekick ever" joke in Red Hood and the Outlaws #1 but then it turns out Roy was never actually his sidekick at all because Roy hated him for stealing his ideas and quit before he could become Green Arrow's sidekick. Although I'm sure part of Roy's hatred for himself stems from the fact that after telling Oliver Queen to go fuck himself, he crawled back to him and fought crime by his side for a few years.

Thanks! But it's the Narration Boxes that usually do all the cluttering, Narration Box!

Instead of being some kind of Egg Nog Nightmare, it looks like the Outlaws are suffering some kind of super villain mind trap that's making them think they're little kids! I hope Kori and Roy didn't get a good look at Alfred dusting while they were inside Wayne Manor or they might start making connections that Batman won't be happy about.

The Outlaw Babies arrive at the North Pole to find it in chaos. A battle has taken place here! Again! Poor Santa Claus! He must hate modern pop culture and its incessant need to declare war on Christmas! I wonder if Lobo was just here? Or was it American Dad and his family? Oh wait! It was probably Suzie Su's gang! Or some other Red Hood enemy. Maybe one with mind control technology! Or a laser ray gun blaster that turns people into little kid versions of themselves.

I'm going to invent that Super Villain! And I'm going to name him Pederast!

Santa's reindeer have become rabid, so the Outlaw Babies put them out of their misery. Next they're probably going to have to battle a muscular elf with dual automatic rifles and a belt full of grenades!

They split up and while Roy gets his nuts cracked, Kori faces off against Mrs. Claus the Gingerbread Woman.

That's too bad because Starfire loves coming.

The actual real enemy is a being called Plytus, a Psion. Plytus used his (or her?) psionic powers to make the Outlaws drink drugged Egg Nog and then forced them on their Santa Claus hunting mission so that Jason Todd would come murder Plytus. I think. Maybe? I haven't read Chapter Four yet but I think this is the chapter where the villain explains the entire plan so the reader doesn't feel confused by the story.

Plytus was banished to Earth's arctic by Helspont because Earth's arctic region is the most foreboding, desolate, inhospitable place in the universe, I guess. Plytus just wanted to die and because it once tortured Starfire, it was able to mentally link with her or something and learn about Jason Todd's love of dealing death or something. So Jason Todd kills it and then threatens Helspont because Jason Todd is a bad-ass that knows a bullet can solve everything.

When Jason Todd points at Helspont in the camera, we get a bit of Old Portugese [sic]! And it's a direct message from Scott Lobdell! Here, finally, we get his real voice! It says, "Please add some interlac-style lettering inside the camera-circle. The JASON TODD only words we recognize RED HOOD and please add". Obviously the note was to the letterer and initially read "The only words we recognize, Jason Todd and Red Hood." But the letterer couldn't keep them in that position without ruining the flow of the text so he spaced them out a bit and then added some more from the beginning of the note. I'd like to thank the letterer, Travis Lanham, for inadvertently (or purposefully!) giving us evidence that Scott Lobdell is a lazy writer! Why not write the dialogue for those of us who translate all of the Old Portugese [sic]?! Instead you leave the dialogue up to the letterer?! Sure, other writers have done that as well and I think it's lazy. Anyway, one final page that everybody should love!

Ignore Blackfire's servile position and extremely huge and barely covered breasts for the moment...I know it's difficult...but how does Helspont know Jason Todd and his friends are referred to as "Outlaws" when Roy admitted last issue that he's the only one that calls them that? I guess we have to take the newest evidence as the real evidence and since Jason Todd described why they call themselves the outlaws this issue, that's the way things are.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Annual #2 Rating: I saw a thing on Twitter the other day that I thought was funny. Molly Manglewood asked "If "manspreading" is assertion of male privilege, what is it when women establish a sprawling nomad encampment of bags across three seats?" Somebody replied that it was called "Feminesting." That's fucking clever! As you may have surmised, I'm don't want to talk about Red Hood and the Outlaws anymore. Maybe just a few more things! I just wish it had been a fever dream brought on by too much Egg Nog instead of a way to bring Helspont back. So does everybody think it's appropriate to bring back the villain that is supposedly the biggest threat to the New 52 DC Universe (well, you have to admit, he was at one time!) and pair him against Red Hood and the Outlaws? And I guess Blackfire is just along for the ride so she can look sexy and subservient? I can't wait!

Batman and Robin #37

Batman and Robin donate cans of Split Pea Soup to Gotham's Campaign to Feed the Hungry and Insane.

Last issue (pronounced 'iss-yew' because I've become a pretentious snob since embarking on my campaign to become the next Poet Laureate of Portland, Oregon), Darkseid had finally come to see what all the hullabaloo was on his planet. It was, of course, Batman trying to get his dead son's corpse back. Except Damian might not be as dead as you'd expect. But he isn't quite as alive as you'd expect either. It was more like he was a survivor in a plane crash and was currently dealing with Polar Bears, Smoke Monsters, and a severe heroin addiction.

Anyway (do I say 'anyway' too much? That and 'meanwhile' are probably my top words for this blog, right after 'fuck'), now Darkseid is about to get his ass kicked by Hellbatman and the Batkids (guest staring Cyborg and Titus). Or, more likely, Darkseid will just be taunted by Batman until he uses his Omega Effect to accidentally bring Damian back to life. Unless he does it on purpose! I bet if he does it on purpose, it will come with some kind of Stephen King curse in a Maine accent: "You reap what you sow, Batman. Ayuh. You reap what you sow."

This issue is called "Black Hole Son" because Damian is only ten years old, otherwise it might have been called "Man in the Box."

The only other person I can see standing up to Darkseid like this is Preboot Amanda Waller. Fuck. Now I want to see that. Can that happen in this convergence thing?! Darkseid versus Preboot Amanda Waller? Hey DC? Can I write that?! I'd also like to see Cheeks versus Brother Geek. Since Brother Geek appeared briefly in Green Team, that can be a possibility!

Batman punches Darkseid in the face and now I'm wondering when this takes place. Maybe Darkseid is behind the chaos in Batman Eternal! And Damian has just been off in dance class during every issue which is why we haven't seen him yet.

Darkseid returns the favor with some kind of one legged piledriver? It's hard to name wrestling moves that can't be done normally because most wrestlers aren't three times as big as their opponents (at least not since Andre the Giant died).

I think this is some kind of Superfly Smash or something?

I think to defeat Darkseid, Batman is going to have to get him in a Figure Four while Cyborg puts a Sleeper Hold on him and Batgirl gets him in a Camel Clutch. I think that's about all the wrestling moves I remember.

Batman throws a weak upper punch as Batgirl tries to fix Cyborg's BOOM Tube circuitry. Too bad it's located in his pelvis so she's completely distracted by his penis. And it's not helping that every time Cyborg sees her eyes glance toward it, a little more blood flows into it and it flinches and grows. I bet Batgirl grabs it in both hands and screams, "One chance left to jump start the BOOM Tube!" as she closes her eyes and...well, you know.

I think this was Andre the Giant's signature move!

The BOOM Tube opens as Batgirl wipes her mouth and Darkseid finally blasts Batman with his Omega Beams. Surprise! That's just what Batman wanted! He catches the Omega Beams in the Chaos Shard and powers up his suit with the limitless energy of Darkseid's eyeball's ejaculate.

That settles it. Nobody can beat Batman.

Everybody makes it through the BOOM Tube and Alfred begins serving sandwiches to celebrate. Except first Batman has to shed his Hellbat Suit and plunge the Chaos Crystal into Damian's heart as he bellows something about the Omega Sanction equaling life. Also, this somehow cures his Apokolyptian acne. Anyway, it works because comic books.

Why is Alfred in his 90s Comic Book Alfred Costume?

And then Batman collapses and Damian screams "Father!" and Batgirl says "OMG!" and Alfred thinks about asking for a raise and Red Robin says "Holy crap" and Red Hood says that too and Cyborg goes, "Whut?! Whut?! Can somebody tell me what's going on?!" because he's in pieces and strapped to Titus's back or something.

So that's it! Damian Wayne is back and everything can go back to normal, right? Right? What's that? There's still one more Robin Rises book left, you say?! I'm sure it's just thirty pages of Robin saying things like, "So where's Dick?" and "Don't lie to me about Dick" and "What kind of secret mission is Dick on?" and "When can I go visit Dick?"

Batman and Robin #37 Rating: +1 Ranking. Why is Highfather going through so much trouble over in Godhead to find a way to defeat Darkseid? Hasn't he heard about Batman?!