Superman #24

Triple Yippee Yay! The end of the Psi War!

Why was Mike Johnson brought in to finish Scott Lobdell's Psi War story? Was Editorial sick of Lobdell's Psionic Story not going anywhere? So they called in Mike Johnson to clean it up before Lobdell began his ridiculous Krypton Returns story? How do I know it's ridiculous when I haven't read it yet? Because it was written by Scott Lobdell, of course! Where have you been for the last two years? Reading Marvel? Well, if you were, lucky you. I wonder if anybody would notice if I stopped reading the 26 worst DC books and just began picking up Marvel comic books?

Last issue, Blue Lightning Lois Lane arrived to knock Psycho Pirate's mind dick out of Superman's brain sphincter. This issue begins by learnin' us about Lois Lane's 3rd Grade experience of being struck by lightning. She wrote a paper about it and it was published in the local paper. I don't know where Lois Lane grew up but now I know it was a place where an eight year old was as competent at writing newspaper stories as the adults. I suppose it might have been a gimmick by the local paper to sell more papers. "Read the SHOCKING firsthand account of the little girl ravaged by nature's fury!" But Lois Lane would never let a little girl scoop her! Fuck that sentimental shit! Lois would have gotten the story if she'd had to set the little girl's backpack on fire.

I read this immediately as "part of this story." And I was sympathetic.

Psycho Pirate defeats Lois and then takes off to turn everybody in Metropolis into emotional basketcases. He says he's freeing them from the shackles of civility or something. I guess that means freeing them from the ability to be kind and generous and peaceful as well. As if the only reason people don't rape and kill every other person is because society made some rules and we've all been brainwashed to follow them. If Psycho Pirate really is freeing everybody to act on "pure emotion," most people are going to feel empathy as strongly as any of the others. The only thing that would really happen would be a small percentage of sociopaths that were previously "passing" due to enforced laws would start acting inappropriately. So they'd probably start spitting on other people and killing too. Both of those things are inappropriate!

Lois heals Superman with her psychic powers but I guess she can control her powers well enough to keep from reading his mind. Although I'm sure she's quite curious to know his secret identity. And she's a reporter who must always get the scoop! So my guess is that she's going to pry a little bit and find out he's Clark Kent. Once she discovers it though, she'll decide to keep it to herself because he's a good friend. But she'll probably also decide he's a better catch than that other jerk she's been dating. What was his name? Steve? Mark? Dildo?

Once Superman is okay, Hector Hammond reappears. He's soon followed by one more old friend.

She merely looks like every other creator of a Social Media Website.

The people of Metropolis begin killing the fuck out of each other because Psycho Pirate took away their civility. "See, civilization is basically a big lie that we all buy into." Yes, that's how civilization works. But it's not a lie. It's a way to survive and to thrive as a species. We have the time to create and invent and think and relax when we agree to not steal the neighbor's shit and fuck her cute little dog Merle. She trusts that I won't do that and I trust that she won't burn my fucking house down. Sure, sometimes we break the rules a bit in an effort to get along as peacefully as possible. Like how she had some industrial sized wind chimes hanging right on the other side of my bedroom and I decided that sucked so I went out one morning and cut out the clapper so I could get some sleep. Was it a civil solution to the problem? Probably not. But nobody lost face and I get to sleep! Psycho Pirate continues with "It's not the natural state of things." No, it's not the "natural" state of things. But the natural state of things also isn't everybody running riot killing each other for no reason. As I said before, you take away civility and rules and you'll still have people who are filled with kind emotions instead of selfish ones and people filled with bravery instead of fear. Society wouldn't necessarily fall apart. We're still basically pack animals. And while a few pack animals fight over their place in the pack, most of them are content to just hang out and enjoy the protection of the group.

I'm not unsympathetic to the idea that phrases like "please" and "thank you" aren't mostly used as bullshit politeness. After all, I am the guy that has decided to stop shaking hands since it's far too aggressive an act. But I'm not certain I'm ready to admit that my "true self" is an eight year old cannibal.

Psycho Pirate believes he's saving the city. And Superman arrives to stop him using the only means Superman understands, especially when things get too cerebral or magicky: start punching stuff in the face!

I just pointed that out, Psycho Pirate! Stop reading my mind or being omniscient or whatever! Jerk.

Luckily the Psionics arrive to back up Superman. Speaking of psionics, when I first got into Dungeons and Dragons in the 5th Grade, my cousins and I were not really big followers of the rules. Or readers of them, actually. We mostly made up our own rules. We also, apparently, didn't understand the rules we half-assedly read either. Somehow we got it into our minds that Infravision was a psionic power that could cause people's heads to blow up. We also called it "in-fray-sion." I have a feeling this was a rule foisted on me by my Cousin Jerry because I would never have made that mistake with my reading comprehension! I have the standardized test score results to back me up!

Anyway, Lois realizes the Psycho Pirate needs to lose the Medusa Mask. Separating him from the mask is possibly the only way to beat him. And that sounds like, finally, a job for Superman! Or The Flash but he isn't around. Too bad once the task is done, Superman is too stupid and weak-willed to keep from shoving the mask on his own stupid Kryptonian face.

Okay, Lois. We get it! You know his secret. Now how about not shouting it in front of the entire city, hunh?

Superman is able to pull off the Medusa Mask and destroy it which sucks for anybody hoping for future appearances of Psycho Pirate that aren't written by Scott Lobdell and whomever Editorial can drudge up to finish Lobdell's shitty stories. The people of Metropolis are now free of Psycho Pirate's influence but they're once again under the control of the Iron Prison of Civilization! Ha ha! Losers! And then Lois Lane begins to fade away. My guess is Electric Blue Lois will simply fade out of existence and Lois Lane will wake up again in the hospital with no memories of the events of this story.

This is a nice moment that I'm not going to ruin with a dick joke. Although I've got a pretty good one about a vagina! No, no. I'll abstain.

Lois actually just loses her Electric Blue costume and morphs back into normal Lois in normal clothing. Clark Kent returns her to the hospital where she remains in a coma. Then he's sucked out into space to take part in the greatest comic book story to ever be told at either Marvel or DC! At least according to Scott Lobdell.

Superman #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm glad the Psi War is over, so that's a plus. But the story overall was a big miss. So that's a minus. But I did like the moment with Superman and falling-into-a-coma Lois. So that's a plus! I hate that all of the psychics just simply disappeared at the end of the comic book. What kind of stupid resolution is that? Minus! But I also like that Lois Lane now knows Superman's identity. That's a plus and I hope she actually retains the memory when she comes back around. It seems highly unlikely though.

Superboy #24

Do you think the Psycho Pirate already owned that suit when he stole the Medusa Mask or do you suppose he had it tailor-made afterward? I like to think it was his casual Friday outfit.

I just answered the phone and said, "Hello." There was a five second pause when a robotic, female voice on the other end said, "Goodbye." I then imagined my house blew up as I threw myself onto the bed in slow motion. True story as opposed to some of the other stories I tell here which aren't true or, at least, I try to make them seem like they're not true because they're too embarrassing to fully embrace.

Have you ever wondered where Scott Lobdell gets his ideas? Well, let me tell you! I try to avoid spoilers but every now and then one catches me right in the mouth. So I know Lobdell has said that he's killing Superboy in Issue #25 to replace him with Hel's son, Experiment #1. The first thing this tells me is I'm fucked because Scott Lobdell is once again writing Superboy. He is also continuing to write Superman which proves something else: DC doesn't care about Superman anymore. They've hung all their monetary hopes on Batman and are just letting Superman rot in a field as Scott Lobdell defecates on him again and again. But getting back to Scott Lobdell's ideas! Where does he get them?!

The cover of Superboy #23 had Superboy fighting Superboy. It wound up that one of the Superboys was merely Psycho Pirate playing games. But Scott Lobdell probably saw it and thought, "Oh yeah! Superboy should fight Superboy! And he should lose! That would garner some attention for me and maybe bump up my royalty check!" Of course, the cover probably came out long after the script for Superboy #25 was written so I'm not saying he actually walked into a comic book store and saw the cover and had his great idea. He was obviously working with Justin Jordan (why else would Jordan walk?) on the H.I.V.E. psionic wars bullshit, so he would have known that Superboy was seemingly fighting another Superboy. Lobdell simply gets ideas from his own (or others but usually his own because I don't think he makes a habit of reading other people's stories) ideas and cannibalizes them. Which is why he had three or four different versions of his Hector Hammond story in Superman over the last half year.

Superman #18-20: Hector Hammond almost destroys Omnithing by taking over Superman's mind. But Orion saves the day by erasing Hector's memory with Mother Box. Threat averted!

Superman #21-23 and some Action Comics as well: Hector Hammond returns to save Omnithing by battling H.I.V.E. because his motivations are different now. That's because Lobdell thought up a different story to write while writing the first story and had to write it. And since Mother Box fucked with Hammond's memory, everything can be different now somehow for some reason.

Action Comics #22-23: Hector Hammond is now best friends with Superman and working for H.I.V.E. because this story takes place before Action Comics #24 and the other Psi-Wars stories. Does anybody want to bet me that the conclusion to the Psi-Wars story doesn't wind up with Hector Hammond working for H.I.V.E. and being on decent enough terms with Superman that Superman just lets him float around in space doing fuck knows what with H.I.V.E.?

Lobdell has done the same type of thing in Teen Titans and Superboy as well. He begins a story going one way which veers a totally different direction in the next issue. He doesn't seem to have a handle on cause and effect. He also doesn't understand writing consistent characters with organic and well-thought out motivations that make sense to each individual character. But why should he care when he can always blame everything on demonic possession or mind control or time travel or computer simulations? It's easy to write yourself out of a dead end when you can't fucking write.

I should probably have an intervention to help me deal with my Scott Lobdell Hatred.

This issue begins with the confrontation between Psycho Pirate and Superboy instantly fizzling out.

The Justice League should hire Psycho Pirate to just hang around to deescalate any hero on hero violence that might crop up every fucking month.

Quiz time! Why is that second panel so fucked up? Send your answers to: DC's Shitty Editors, 1700 Broadway, Gotham City, New Jersey.

Psycho Pirate's manifestation tells Superboy that he knows something that Superboy doesn't know and that, in just a second, he's going to tell Superboy this thing because that's why he manifested all the way out here while battling Superman! Because he had a really important thing to tell Superboy that he's just about to get to after a nice, long dramatic reveal that his super secret is going to be super important! And that secret is...

Never mind. It was too important to reveal only four pages into the comic book.

Doctor Psycho explodes Psycho Pirate's manifestation so that Psycho Pirate can't reveal his secret. So if Superboy were paying attention to pop culture media at all over his entire two years or less of life, he'd realize that Psycho Pirate's secret probably would have exposed something that Doctor Psycho didn't want people knowing. Like maybe he's crazy?!

Or, as the actual secret is revealed quite quickly despite Doctor Psycho's attempts to stop it, Doctor Psycho is siphoning power from Superboy to enhance his powers while draining the strength from Superboy. Doctor Psycho's argument is that Psycho Pirate is a liar. And Psycho Pirate's rebuttal is "Nuh-uh, you are!" Which inevitably leads to a recounting of Doctor Psycho's origin story.

There it is! Some jerk gave him a nickname! He can't help to grow up and become a Psycho now.

Before reading Doctor Psycho's origin, I wandered over to Facebook where my friend, Soy Rakelson (you might remember him from past commentaries!) posted this quote from Oscar Wilde: "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." I don't think he did it ironically. I wonder if Oscar Wilde wrote that line in response to being quoted by people while knowing that people would quote it and he would laugh his dick off.

And now, The Super Secret Origin of Doctor Psycho! Doctor Psycho was not named Doctor Psycho before he became Doctor Psycho. He was Edgar! Edgar something or other. I forget. But that part doesn't matter! What matters is that he was erased from existence! No, wait. That's not quite right. He still existed but nobody else knew that he existed. It was all a fabulous plan by H.I.V.E. to kidnap him without having to deal with the pesky consequences of kidnapping. But Doctor Psycho engineered an escape which allowed him to escape! He was free! But now he hated H.I.V.E. and wanted to destroy them but he couldn't destroy them because he sucked at having psychic powers. What he needed was a battery to make him more powerful! And then he found Superboy and rode that fucker until his penis popped! The end!

Ha ha ha! Nice jab at Tott Dedell, Jordan! Again! This is the second time he's called out Tott Dedell on their fucking stupid bullshit Superboy opening pages.

This "living organ" is a nice bit of foreshadowing for the coming of Experiment #1 whom I just remembered I was calling Jon-el. Will he just take over the Superboy name and be Jon-el instead of Kon-el? I wonder where Jordan was going to take the Superboy story if he'd stuck around? I posted an excerpt from an interview with him where he said this comic would have less Harvest and H'el and then he laughed. But if Jon-el is coming back, that means Harvest is going to come back as well. No wonder Jordan left. He was probably being pulled into all of Scott Lobdell's shit stories and who would want to be stuck writing shit that makes no sense?

Oh fuck you! My shit does to make sense! Does too? Dammit, I'm not making any sense!

Everybody wants a piece of that superass.

Pyscho Pirate gets Superboy and Doctor Psycho to begin a gigantic Psychic Brawl while he sits back and absorbs all of the Psychic Shrapnel. I'm beginning to think he wouldn't be a good fit in the Justice League organization at all. They fight amongst each other enough without him sitting in the corner manipulating them so he can get his psychic rocks off. Also, his non-psychic rocks as well.

Pyscho Pirate removes Doctor Psycho's knowledge of Superboy from him because nobody wants too many people knowing Superboy's secret: that, after countless issues (or maybe a dozen or two. Some people can count that high, I suppose) of being told that Superboy is a living weapon, it turns out that he is not a living weapon at all! He is an organ incubator so when Jon-el needs a new kidney or penis, he'll have one waiting for him in Experiment #2. Too bad their organ bank spontaneously generated awareness and escaped with all the yummy organs.

Doctor Psycho tries to steal too much energy and causes a Psychic Explosion which sends Superboy into a Psychic Blackout. He probably would have woken up in a puddle of his own puke except Krypto was there to eat it. And then the comic returns to the beginning of Superboy #20 when Justin Jordan took over. Superboy's powers have been stolen by Psycho Pirate and he's being held prisoner. Next issue: The Return of Krypton!

Oh fuck. Boooo! Suck it, H'el and Lobdell and Oracle!

Superboy #24 Rating: +2 Ranking. I predict this was the last well-written, understandable issue of Superboy for a long time. It's a shame because I think Justin Jordan would have done this series justice. Can we go back in time and put him on board for Superboy #1? Oh! Maybe he can write a New 52 Kon-el Superboy once Jon-el takes over the role next issue!

Action Comics #24

Why is this cover so stupid?

Is it wrong for me to wish a massive kidney stone on Scott Lobdell? What's the upper limit of bodily harm you can wish on another person without seeming like an asshole? Is there one? Or is the limit on wishing harm on another person based on the actions of the other person? So back in World War Whichever One Had the Nazis, it was probably okay to walk around wishing Hitler would stub his toe or something. You know, as long as you weren't in Germany. And if you were in Germany, as long as you made your wish quietly in your head to yourself. But if comic books were the world, then Scott Lobdell would be Hitler, right? That's a fair comparison, isn't it? From that analogy, you can extrapolate for yourself to who DC's audience would be and how every Wednesday we're shoved into a gas chamber.

I just asked my friend Doom Bunny the Robot if the preceding text was too offensive and he responded with "lol" and "delightfully offensive," so I think it's okay.

Speaking of things, I just sat through the most pandering, awful, ridiculous episode of Bones from Season Eight. It was the one where they have all the Squints trying to identify cold case corpses in the basement of the Smithsonian. And they happen upon a homeless guy and it turns out he was wounded in the September 11th attack on the Pentagon and died from his injuries ten days later but not before saving a bunch of people from the rubble. And everybody was crying and getting angry and being super upset. Really? Seriously? Is that how Americans are supposed to feel about the attack? Well I'm going to be the first honest person in America. Right now. Here it goes:

I was not fucking traumatized by September 11th, 2001. Well, I wasn't. And I think this constant pandering to America's Sadness is childish bullshit. It's self-indulgent and it really makes us look like assholes. As if we're the only country that has ever suffered any kind of horrendous tragedy. It's always about us, isn't it, America? Let's ride this sadness out for another fifty years, if possible!

Anyway, I think the only things that traumatize me are when pets die or when I'm in junior high and my crush tells me she doesn't like being stared at. Good thing neither of those things will ever happen again since I've made that deal with Pet Satan and killed all my crushes!

The important part of this picture is in the red box under "Part Two."

Scott Lobdell is gone! Hooray! Now just get this stupid psi-war story over with and flush out the stink of him. Let's just start over, can we? Can Psycho Pirate just erase everybody's memory of the Scott Lobdell months? Although I am disappointed that we're never going to find out what kind of incredible, never-before-seen-in-comic-books story Lobdell had cooked up for Issue #25!

I should probably discuss the comic book though. Let's just forget that Scott Lobdell ever existed, shall we? See how easy it is to forget things? I don't have to bask in the trauma of Lobdell forever! I can choose to let it go. I can choose happiness and bliss over sadness and anger and unadulterated despair.

Psycho Pirate decides he wants to team up with Superman. He's going to save the world and he offers to show Superman what he's saving the world from: The Queen Bee's psychic prisoners he calls "The Swarm."

Here's a bunch of exposition tying up all the previous plots so that I don't have to do it.

Psycho Pirate has brought Superman along because he needs to drain Supe's mind to have the power to free the rest of The Twenty. Superman, for some reason, doesn't want to go along with the plan. So they wind up battling inside Superman's brain in old Grant Morrison Action Comic pages. And then the battle heads back even further to the farm in Smallville.

It's the Lana Lang Mind Zombie! Look out!

Psycho Pirate then takes Superman all the way back to when he was a baby and Krypton was falling apart around him. Psycho Pirate is just about to finish Superman off when Electric Blue Lois shows up to zap him in the ass. You see, Lois has been infected with The Twenty Psychic Virus. And it seems to have turned her into Electric Superman.

Action Comics #24 Rating: +3 Ranking simply because Scott Lobdell didn't write it. Plus there wasn't a fucking stupid World of Krypton story in the back even though I was expecting more of H'el's alternate timeline on Krypton bullshit. I can't say I'm really enjoying this Psi-War plot but at least Lobdell is gone and hopefully Mike Johnson (or whoever takes over after this story is done) will do a much better job when he begins writing stories based on his own ideas.

Superman #23

This looks like the cover to a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Or an Atari 2600 Cartridge.

Knowing DC's history of getting cover information wrong, I am not quite ready to throw a fucking Bacchanalia simply because Scott Lobdell's name isn't on the cover. I'm close! But I need title page confirmation first! And then, let the orgy commence!

I was wrong! I didn't need a title page to learn the truth! I now know it's true because the first page wasn't completely Lobdelled! And I haven't even read this page yet! Hallelujah!

I'm going to take credit for this abdication as well, okay? I think the last problem I need to solve is Nocenti on Catwoman. And seeing as how her last issue was co-plotted, maybe that's already taking care of itself as well!

Supergirl was a pretty good comic book when Mike Johnson was writing it, so I hope he continues just doing his thing. Although maybe if he could tighten up his plots a little bit, that would be great.

Let's begin this commentary in a really shitty didactic way by bringing up semantics and pseudo-philosophical bullshit. The Narrator says in that first Narration Box up there, "The great thing about being omnipresent is that you know everything. You can be at anytime, anyplace." Technically, you are ALWAYS at every time and every place. I suppose, if I don't want to be a total internet dick about it, the Narrator is speaking in a metaphorical kind of way about concentration and consciousness. Perhaps he's pointing out how you can sort of hyper-concentrate on one moment in time to truly enjoy it. Although, again speaking semantically, an Omniscient Being wouldn't need to do that. Hell, an Omniscient Being would have a shorter lifespan than any of us have! It would experience all time and space and everything in no time. Instantly. Quicker than instantly. And then what? It would be like the hugest and quickest orgasm of all time. Of all no time since it would begin and end without the concept of time even coming in to play! In comparison, we get to stroll casually through our desperately few decades and enjoy the scenery! Being omniscient and immortal isn't all it's cracked up to be, really.

It would be better to be semi-omniscient and semi-omnipresent! I think that's more the case of this Narrator. He is still subject to the flow of time but knows when and where everything will ever happen and can travel instantaneously to any of these points and observe or take part in them. Although, really, why bother? If you've already experienced what you're going to do when you head out the door for the day, why even bother heading out the door?

Currently the Narrator is observing the origin of The Psycho Pirate, one of The Twenty who made his very first appearance in The New 52 over in Superboy. A round of applause, please, for Psycho Pirate! He's such a flamboyant fop! I love him so much.

Maybe the Narrator is Oracle! Perhaps he's actually doing something for once!

But that was all four years ago! Now the Omnipresent Narrator (who was probably already saying these things while saying the other things four years ago) has some shit to say about Superman being covered in Metropolis's Pyschic Ejaculate, thanks to Queen Bee of H.I.V.E.

Wash that psychic semen deep into every pore, Superman!

It's a good thing the physical manifestation of psychic energy looks exactly like honey or else the whole Queen Bee/H.I.V.E schtick would be ridiculous! Speaking of H.I.V.E., the Narrator lets us in on some information previously held back by the less than omniscient Scott Lobdell who only created this New 52 version of them: H.I.V.E. is not only a secret organization bent on enslaving the minds of the entire world; it's also a social media site! Like!

Queen Bee tries to convince Superman that socialism is good for everyone but Superman has capitalism in his nutsack, so he's not fucking buying it! Free enterprise for everybody! Throw off the shackles of Government Honey and Worker Bee Psychic Health Care! Long live the 40 hour work week and, if you're lucky, two weeks of paid vacation! Yay for work! Yay for the system! Boo for tyrant Queen Bees who don't want us to think free thoughts because obviously individualism goes out the window at just the hint of psychic socialist programs!

Queen Bee is ruining everything with her dream of a socialist utopia. Thanks a lot, Obama.

That previous paragraph may have been a bit confusing because I was speaking out of both sides of my mouth, so to speak. It's also possible that Queen Bee's new world order is not a metaphor for socialist programs being forced on a capitalist society full of rugged individuals who are insulted that somebody would want to make their life easier. It could just be Queen Bee is an asshat and Superman doesn't like asshats.

This could be just a comic book and not social commentary. But you know what's great? Now that Scott Lobdell isn't writing it, I can actually believe there might be more to it whether there is or not!

Queen Bee, like every other character written by Scott Lobdell, believes that Superman revels in his power of the people. I know Mike Johnson is now writing her! But he's staying true to her roots!

It's a good thing the Narrator is along for the story so it can constantly explain everything to me or else I'd be completely lost. Psionics? What does that mean? Telekinesiwhat? Illusions? It's all so confusing! Even Superman can't cope because none of his powers work the way they should when everything he sees and hears is happening inside his head. He could be sitting in the tub for all he knows.

Eventually, Hector Hammond shows up. Which means, as I said last issue, Superman can now sit things out because all of this psychic shit is way out of his league. It's probably a good thing that Lois Lane has been infused with The Twenty's psychic powers so she can come to Superman's rescue.

Jim Shooter: "Why the fuck are there two Queen Bee heads in that last panel? Doesn't anybody remember what panel borders are for?! Readers are going to be confused by this nonsense!"

Queen Bee and Hammond begin using the citizens of Metropolis to battle each other. Superman is one of them until The Queen Bee rushes off to deal with Hector Hammond's body where he left it back at H.I.V.E. headquarters. And then Superman is free to save the day. Somehow. He needs to be a bit smarter than he actually is so he's probably going to go get Aquaman. Then once he gets Batman's phone number from Aquaman, Superman will get Batman to tell him how to save the city.

It's not that the Narrator isn't completely omniscient; it's just that he's quite apathetic as well.

Superman heads to H.I.V.E. Headquarters to defeat Hector Hammond and The Queen Bee but when he gets there, he finds Hector Hammond collapsed in a heap with a small head. And Hammond lets Superman know that The Queen Bee is dead. Because the Narrator has killed her and taken away Hammond's powers.

Surprise! This issue ends exactly like Superboy #23! No wonder Psycho Pirate claimed he was omnipresent!

Superman #23 Rating: No change. Can we just get new writers on all of Scott Lobdell's bullshit comics, throw out any plot with his taint on it, and just start over? It kind of feels like that's what's going on here. After all the stupid fucking bullshit buildup to H.I.V.E. and Hector Hammond taking over everything and ending the world, they suddenly get their asses kicked by Psycho Pirate. Deus Ex Fop much? Although since they're all part of The Twenty (I think they all are. Hector? I think. Maybe?), all of this battling between psychic assholes is still building toward Vril Dox coming to Earth and replacing all human minds with Coluan minds. Mostly the story has just been rambling bullshit going from whatever idea Lobdell could think up one month to whatever idea he could tack on to the story the next month. I wouldn't mind that kind of story if he didn't insist on telling a possible end of the world tale with every story. I also wouldn't mind if the characters were interesting enough to let the shitty plot take a backseat. Anyway, here's to hoping Lobdell is off Superman for good. Just...just...fuck that guy.

Superboy #23

Oh fuck me. Two Superboys? I'm beginning to think I spent my twenties incorrectly and I really should have overdosed on Psilocybin.

Look at these idiots. Superboy can't throw a punch but it doesn't matter since Superboy also can't block a punch! I'm also fairly certain, with my intense knowledge of real world physics, that heat vision would not block heat vision. It's not like two trains barreling down the same track and smashing head-on into each other. Unless it is. I wonder if two Superboys staring into each other's eyes and blasting out some X-rays would be like a super collider? Also, how does Superboy's vision powers work? It's not like eyes emit anything! They just accept light into them. What's going in in the Kyrptonian physiology that's allowing for their eyeballs to blast out heat and x-rays and small, furry mammals? That's a power, right? Superman's Gerbil Vision? I'm pretty sure it's canon except Supes is just too embarrassed to use it.

The Kryptonians must have a special organ located behind the eyes that allows for emitting shit from them. But if that's so (and it has to be! I've watched enough House and Trapper John, M.D., and Doogie Howser to know all about biology and medicine!), why don't Kryptonians have these special eyeball powers on Krypton? Wouldn't Superboy be blind every time he was blasting shit out of his eyes? I suppose with his x-ray vision, he's not emitting any particles but somehow simply seeing on the ass end of the light spectrum. But somebody's going to have to explain to me how this Heat Vision works. I don't need an explanation of his Gerbil Vision because I can simply accept powers that I fucking love to death.

Last issue, Superboy was getting attacked by monsters. And by monsters, I mean high school students. And by high school students, I mean monsters that actually turned into physical monsters. I think this was an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Or maybe three different episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Possibly the entire first three seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

This issue begins with bestiality!

Pretty soon, Superboy learns the most painful truth of high school: he was the true monster all along.

Also the girl that was invisible to everybody. She was the mostest biggerester monster of them all!

The lesson so far is that if you don't play high school politics, or you can't fit into a social clique, or you've never been good at making friends and spend most of your time in isolation, you're fucking up the high school experience for everybody else! Nobody wants to see you wandering down the hall with your binder pressed to your bosom and your eyes cast down on the floor, hurrying from class to class just trying not to be noticed. They don't want to be reminded of how they all feel on the inside by your total lack of ability to hide your insecurities and flaws. Stop bringing everybody else down, you monster! Smile! Make friends! Join a club! Run for Student Body! Just stop being picked on and bullied because nobody likes you, you monster!

Go get that fucking bitch, Superboy!

Does Krypto have "supersniffer" powers? How the fuck do you think he got to Earth? He followed Superman's crotch molecules from Krypton to Earth by way of The Phantom Zone! If he can't find this High School Monster immediately, I'm going to write Justin Jordan a strongly worded email about how he doesn't know shit about The New 52 Continuity and he's fucking up everything by not understanding Krypto's power levels!

I wonder who would win in a fight? Krypto or The Incredible Hulk? I should send that one in to Fantasy Face-Off!

Have I mentioned that the movie Face-Off is only one of two movies I've ever fallen asleep during in a theater? That's one fucking confusing movie to wake up in the middle of!

Krypto tracks down the Mousy Brown-Eyed Monster in just one page! Good thing because I really didn't want to have to lambast Justin Jordan after he had to work closely with Scott Lobdell for a couple of months. He's already had the worst year imaginable, I imagine! Justin Jordan also decides to make the "Superbark" canon. Now if he'd only make the Super Dogfart Canon, he'd be my hero for the amount of time before I completely forget that he was my hero.

Actually, I'm pretty sure lack of thumbs is absolutely an excuse not to be able to open a door.

California used to have billboards which read, "She said she's eighteen is no excuse." Actually, it kind of is, isn't it? I actually know someone that has had his life fucked in pretty amazing ways due to statutory rape laws. He's been labeled a sex offender for dating a seventeen year old woman online and then meeting her and having sex with her. I don't know whether he knew how old she was or not, and if he did, well, he should have known better. But the system also should know better and deal with these things case by case. He is now a sex offender. Exactly the same as child molesters and rapists. Even though he had sex with a consenting "adult". I understand why statutory rape laws exist. Because adults can and do corrupt and manipulate youths. But the age of consent is such a fabricated boundary that there are apt to be cases that blur the law's belief that these things are black and white. The woman's parents pressed charges against him, just as they'd pressed charges against two other men previously. And I believe he did jail time and mandatory therapy where he was treated as if he had to deal with his urges to have sex with children. Which he doesn't have. But, you know, sex offender!

Believe it or not, law, sometimes adults (especially nerdy, overweight, socially incompetent adults) can be manipulated by people half their age. But then this is just one example of why I can't stand the American Justice System. Because it has never been, and will never be, about justice. The majority of it is just about producing a false sense of security so that the middle class can feel that their HDTVs are safe from crackheads.

Let's get back to the "That's no excuse!" thing! I fucking can't stand when people say that and I would nearly lose my mind when I heard teachers using it in junior high and high school. "I don't want excuses." "That's not a reason; it's an excuse." "NO EXCUSES!" What they were all basically saying was, "I don't believe life happens to anybody so you'd better just get your shit together no matter what and do whatever the fuck it is I wanted you to do." Because even if you had a reason for being late or not turning in an assignment or dripping blood all over the floor from the knife wound in your side, they were never reasons to teachers! They were always excuses! Like everybody was just trying to get one over on them all the time and they weren't going to be fucking fooled by these asshole kids! I wish I could yell so loudly that it would time travel and blast every fucking teacher who ever said that to me right in the fucking face. I'm going to try. Here it goes! "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!"

I hope it worked! I'll probably have to apologize to all the neighbors tomorrow.

Back to Krypto crashing through the door, he comes flying back out through the wall on the next page. Because the Mousy Monster of McDuffie High has turned into Superboy #1!

Or something. I really don't know where this Superboy came from or why he's here or what he has to do with this High School. Maybe he was also undercover doing some detective work!

Superboy and Superboy end up by Little Miss Individualistic keeping watch over knocked out Doctor Psycho (who is surprisingly not very psycho). Bad Boy Superboy threatens her and that's when Superboy makes that realization I realized he was going to make earlier about how he's the True Monster. He's actually the only Superboy in the room, so now he has to stop punching things and begin thinking about things. Where did the Mousy Monster go? How is she involved in this? How is he going to get to second base with Eliza?

And by finally taking a moment to Instagram the entire mess so he can post it on Facebook with a caption of "WTF? LOL!", he figures out who is behind all of the hallucinations he's been having which have caused him to act like a monster. And it's not little invisible nobody at school likes me Shift. I mean, it's partially her. She's the person I think Superboy is supposed to find and help before H.I.V.E. could get her. No, the person behind even her is a guy I'm actually really happy to see!

At least his New 52 outfit is a better upgrade than Brother Blood's.

Superboy #23 Rating: +3 Ranking. Why is Superboy fighting everybody with "psycho" in their names? Why is he dealing with all of the psionics? I'm starting to believe this comic book is entering Steppenwolf territory. Did Superboy wander into a magic theater at some point? Is all of this just a journey through his inner psyche to learn who he actually is? That would actually be pretty fucking cool but I have a feeling it's all going to fall apart because Justin Jordan has walked off this title.

Looking up reasons for his departure, I stumbled upon an interview with him when he first took on the title.

Newsarama: Justin, I'm going to ask for some specifics right up front, because you've been telling people (including me a few months ago) that you're taking the Superboy book in a new direction. We saw the first issue, which was pretty action-packed. But as you move forward with this storyline, what does "new direction" mean?

Justin Jordan: Less Harvest and H’El for one thing. [Laughs.]

Ha ha ha! I see you winking at us all with that comment, Justin! I see what that wink means. It says, "Scott Lobdell writes the shittiest shit in a town that decided against naming itself Shitsville because they didn't want to frighten away the tourists." You the man, Justin!