Convergence: Wonder Woman #2

Aha! Now I finally see why vampires are so romantic!

Last issue ended with good old Etta Candy having the blood sucked out of her neck by Vampire Joker. My half-heartedly educated guess (the guess isn't half-hearted; the education is) is that this will be the only "Vampire Clown" story of the 21st Century. That seems more like something that tried to take hold in the Eighties with It and Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Maybe this century we'll get Werewolf Clowns or Mummy Clowns but I'm truly hoping that vampires are nearing their run of popularity. Somebody get Liches trending! Maybe in Pitch Perfect III, Fat Amy can be killed in a really hilarious moment that makes the audience laugh because, hey look! Amy is fat! Ha ha. Then Pitch Perfect IV's movie posters, when Fat Amy returns from the dead, can read, "The Lich is back!" Although I've never seen a fat lich so I don't know where the writers are going to find the humor in the fourth movie.

Remember the days when every fat character in every movie or television show had to be eating something in every scene they were in? Ha ha! Because they were fat! I've been rewatching Leave It To Beaver lately (I seem to do this every few years because it is awesome) and I've noticed in the first season, Larry Mondello is not really that fat. He's kind of the stocky kid that might become fat or could just as easily lose the fat as he gets older. But they have to have him with an apple or a candy bar in his hand in every scene he's in. I think that's the reason he became so much fatter in later seasons. Plus as a young kid, he probably thought his entire worth to the show was that he was fat, so he had to keep it up. Fucking directors made him fat by insisting that the entirety of his character was that he couldn't not eat. Fat people! Can you believe they actually eat food?! Ha ha! Control yourselves already!

I'm kind of like a fat person except instead of not being able to not eat, I'm not able to not write lots and lots of words! My whole premise for this commentary (mostly shtick just to make the commentary easier) was to just make every sentence one or two words. It would be like the notes of the commentary I was going to write. But I couldn't help writing that caption and then talking about vampires and then repeating myself about the way Hollywood treats fat characters which I've written about before but why not repeat material because I can't think up new shit to write about when I'm on nearly my 2401 DC comic book reviews and 17 Marvel comic book reviews and 1 review of an old Shade the Changing Man comic book. That's a lot of talking out of my ass. I think it might be unsustainable and I've reached Peak Ass Words! The whole system is on the verge of collapse! Which is why I was going to try to conserve some but like the old people in a drought who just can't let the fucking lawn go, I failed.

This issue is called "A Fellow of Infinite Jest" because The Joker is an immortal vampire and he loves to pull pranks. Also it's probably trying to sound literary by tying it to that old English Writer who was always one of the answers when I asked my Lit Profs, "If you could have dinner with anybody living or dead, who would you choose?" Last issue Larry Hama made his story more literary by tying it to that blind poet who was always one of the answers when I asked my Lit Profs, "If you could blow anybody living or dead, who would you choose?"

Idiot! You missed the obvious candy joke!

The Joker spends the next three pages not being funny at all. I guess he's making himself laugh though. And what's more important than making oneself laugh? It's all I spend time doing when I'm not eating or standing around with food in my hand or stalking publishers or talking to fish. Have you ever tried to tell a knock knock joke to a fish? They just don't get the premise at all!

Wonder Woman tells The Joker that he isn't funny and then breaks his neck. She's a harsher critic than I am. Then instead of finishing him off which would probably only take another second, she rushes off to save Steve Trevor. Ugh. He's such a princess.

Meanwhile Steve is busy shooting female vampires in the face and calling them sluts. He's such an old school romantic. His ministrations of love attract Poison Ivy and Were-Catwoman who begin trying to sell Steve on their succulent womanly treats. But this Steve Trevor is a man of the eighties! He's a one woman man who doesn't count his secretary and paid escorts as cheating. Also he's probably a bit nervous about having sex with vampires because they're constantly coming into contact with blood and Steve has been hearing an awful lot lately about this thing called AIDS.

Good thing Wonder Woman comes to the rescue!

Holy Cat Boobs, Batman!

Wonder Woman doesn't kill Poison Ivy or Catwoman immediately so they believe she's weak because she won't kill. Wonder Woman seems to confirm that she was trying not to kill them by saying, "That's it, then. No more holding back." But didn't she threaten to end The Joker the way the Batman couldn't? Was Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman also known for not killing, not even monsters like she probably encountered her whole life on Paradise Island? There were monsters there, right? If it has ties to Ancient Greece, it has monsters!

But now that the vampires have taunted her and have explained that they don't fear death, Wonder Woman decides it's okay to kill them all. I didn't realize it was okay to kill somebody who doesn't fear death! I have a new question to ask when interviewing prospective employees for my new business venture, Don't Worry This Is A Real Job And Not A Front For My Human Hunting Hobby, LLC.

You can't even not shit yourself, Steve! Stop acting so macho and ask for help!

Meanwhile The Joker and Etta have a good laugh about The Joker's broken neck. Good times.

Steve Trevor takes care of himself so well that he once again falls into the clutches of Poison Ivy and Catwoman. They bring him to The Joker who gives them permission to eat him. Wonder Woman might have a chance to save him but she's busy crying over spilt vampire everything. But she hallucinates Athena who tells her it was okay to murder these monsters in the same way I hallucinate my grandmother whenever I need to convince myself that I'm not going to hell for masturbating. That never actually helps.

Wonder Woman, having come to terms with killing, destroys Poison Ivy and Catwoman. But not soon enough. Steve Trevor has been turned and now she must destroy him as well to get to The Joker. She'll also have to kill Etta Candy but I have a feeling she'll relish that.

But first the earthquake needs to happen which opens up a chasm between Wonder Woman and her foes. The Joker commands them to jump across and kill her but Steve breaks from his thrall and tackles Etta into the pit while yelling back at Wonder Woman, "I regret nothing! Except maybe that time I told you I could fend for myself!"

Wonder Woman can't save him because she has to battle The Joker now. She knocks him in the pit but he comes back and then she stakes him and then she wins! She also has some thoughts during the battle.

No, they just forget the story because it makes no sense. What was hope doing in a box full of the world's evils? Did the person putting the package together decide that hope was no longer needed when the world had no evil to deal with? And did hope come out of the box or did Pandora shut the box with hope still left in it? And in that version of the story, is that a bad thing? Did hope not get restored to the world or did man retain hope? Why didn't somebody put a fucking lock on the box if they didn't want some curious asshole coming by and letting everything out? It's a dumb story and I'm going to go back to forgetting it right now.

To end the story, Wonder Woman quotes the Duke of Wellington for some reason. I guess Larry Hama loves to quote shit. Just look at his stupid titles for this Convergence thing!

Convergence: Wonder Woman #2 Rating: 7.5 Perky Were-Cat Boobs out of 10. If you hate when comic book companies kill characters, then you should probably subtract five points from my rating because this story is really just about killing Etta Candy and Steve Trevor. I guess Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman isn't allowed to have any friends or lovers anymore. Get with the Modern Age, Diana! You have to be lonely and unfulfilled! Every hero must now be Batman because look at how many comic books he sells. Being completely consumed by your superhero identity and crime fighting lifestyle sells books, kids! Unless it's some other reason why people like Batman. Like the cape.

Divergence: Secret Six
"Six outcasts (or seven, if you count the murderous puppet) are thrown together and forced to carry out deadly missions by an anonymous force that hates their guts. They'll have to learn how to become a team pretty quickly, as survival is not guaranteed!"

The anonymous force is Mockingbird! The murderous puppet counts! Survival is, I'm pretty sure, guaranteed for a good majority of them!

I forgot this comic book even existed! I hope this issue reminds me of the characters and what was going on so I'll be up-to-date for when Issue #3 comes out in six months!

This story is about a museum security guard who gets caught up in a heist and a mass murder and the international ethics of stolen antiquities. The Secret Six have been called in to help protect The Eternity Gem while some other group has been hired to steal it. The other group fails. The end!

The Sneak Peek showcases Catman and Big Shot and Black Alice and Strix's battle techniques. It also highlights Ferdie's power of turning everything into a euphemism for sex and his tiny wooden wiener. Porcelain just wears a pink jacket and half a mask and hits a guy in the head with a hammer in one panel. This story was mostly just a reminder to everybody that this comic book hasn't been canceled!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #40

This issue had better not end with a "To be continued in the stupid annual!"

Good riddance, losers! This is the part where the boring assholes sing "Hey hey hey! Goodbye!" And then they high-five each other in celebration of doing the most trite and boring thing they could have done out of all things in the entire world! And this is me doing the same thing but pretending it's being done by a couple of fictional dickspasms!

The issue begins with Helspont sneaking up on Red Hood and the Outlaws because Roy said, "It can't get any worse!" So unless Scott Lobdell forgets he ended last issue with that line, somebody is going to berate Roy for his choice of words.

Hmm, I guess Lobdell forgot to finish his joke. But that's no surprise! He often forgets how he ended his scripts the month before. Reading trade paperbacks of his stories must be nearly incomprehensible.

Anyway, the Outlaws defeat Helspont in four pages or something.

I hope the rest of the comic book is just advertisements for army men, sea monkeys, and Grit.

Darn it. They didn't really defeat Helspont that easily. Shucks! He comes back at them with a counterattack while proving that English is just his second language.

Perhaps "presume" is the word you're looking for?

Rose Wilson throws two swords into Helspont's chest and everybody is shocked when they barely faze him. I mean, it's understandable that he survived gun shots and the explosive arrow to the chest and Starfire's sun bolts. But swords? Come on! This is one tough son of a bitch!

Blackfire shows up and is all, "Surprise to nobody! I'm with Helspont! Tee hee!" Rose Wilson is all, "I see you're the prudish sister, Starfire!" And Starfire is all, "Take that back! I guzzle cum way better than Blackfire!" And Roy is all, "Totally!" And Starfire is all, "How do you know how much cum my sister can guzzle?!" And Roy is all, "Whoops!"

"Tee hee! Your general is in blow job position, sir!"

Helspont's army of Citadel warriors take control of the situation. Too bad they've been written to have a single, fatal flaw! Crux, having researched every alien in the universe somehow while living on Earth, knows that every soldier of the Citadel's brain is wired directly to their armor which is wired directly to every other piece of armor which are all wired directly to a three meter hole big enough to bullseye a womp rat! Whew! I was afraid Scott Lobdell was going to create an unbeatable army!

Blackfire actually loves Starfire so she blasts Helspont in his junk instead of killing her sister's friends. The Citadel soldiers stand around thinking, "Should we do something or just wait around for Crux to shut us down?" Blackfire gets thrown hundreds of miles away by Helspont as he nurses his blasted testicles which might now be oozing pus and madness. Then Jason Todd shoots the kneecaps out of the one Citadel soldier standing nearby so that Crux can play Angry Birds while sitting on top of him. Todd grabs the big gun of the Citadel soldier and starts blasting Helspont in the face with it. Helspont falls over thinking, "What the fuck happened to me? I used to be a powerful bad ass! But now I keep getting beat by arrogant bastards who hide behind guns and red masks! Fuck you Grifter and Red Hood! I will have my revenge!"

In the space of just two minutes, Rose Wilson has racked up one-third of the kills her father has scored in his entire life (according to his own comic book (but prior to his killing three hundred of Odysseus's blind henchmen)!).

Arsenal manages to kill one soldier. I guess that's pretty good for a guy with a bow. Plus, he must have been busy building the monstrous spider gun he uses to blow the ultimate omnifuck out of Helspont. All that's left of Helspont is his arm so I'm going to say he's really and truly dead now. No way he can ever come back from that. Nope! As dead as a door nail named Ted Kord!

Although Ted Kord is really and truly back in Justice League 3000 so I guess I can't use that comparison anymore.

After the battle, Starfire heads home to Tamawhatever with Crux piloting the ship and her sister trying not to die in sick bay. Arsenal is all, "Well, it was fun!" And Starfire is all, "Yeah! We'll probably never see each other again because Scott Lobdell is still going to be writing your comic book and DC Comics probably knows better than to let him write me ever again!" And Roy is all, "I know, right?!" And Jason Todd is all, "We were OUTLAWS!" And everybody is all, "What the fuck does that mean?"

The end!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #40 Rating: No change. Hey hey hey! Goodbye! *HIGH-FIVES EVERYBODY!*

Constantine #23

The whole reflection on the tumbler part of the cover looks like it's straight out of Cerebus.

John Constantine doesn't know how to make friends. I get that. I don't know how to make friends either. The main problem is that friends expect you to actually go out in public and engage in fun activities. Or if you live a long distance from each other, they appreciate long telephone conversations where you update each other on everything that's happened in your lives since last you spoke. But when I'm out in public, I just think about the things I could be doing at home. And I can't stand speaking on the phone because my life isn't a roller coaster providing me with exciting ups and downs week after week. It's probably why when I call my mom, we spend most of the time talking about television shows and/or our pets.

Recently at my sister-in-common-law's husband's birthday dinner, the Non-Certified Spouse's step-brother (Jesus Christ, do we need familial names for everything? I may as well just say "a stranger") asked me what was new. What am I supposed to say? "Since last we spoke, I probably wrote about 100,000 words on various subjects that you don't give a shit about. But writing isn't an interesting experiential story, so from your point of view, I simply sat inside and did nothing." Instead I just said, "Nothing." His response was "Really? I've been so busy." And by "busy," I'm sure he means "enjoying and experiencing life to the ultimate maximum fullest!" I'm sure when I was his age (early twenties), I could respond to his question with many trials and tribulations which would bring him great joy to hear. I suppose if my writing were bringing in some kind of money, or if I packaged it into a socially acceptable manner such as a book they could hold, they'd view what I'm doing as somehow more important than just sitting in a dark room wasting my life. And why should anybody else care how I was consuming my years? If you judge it by your own standards, of course it's going to look like I'm doing the opposite of carpe dictum! "Dudebro! How can you not be out in nature drinking until you puke and smoking ganja! Grab life by the horny girls, man! Scream and yell in public places to show you're having a great time! Try to fuck as many people as possible!" Bah! Get off my lawn!

Maybe I can make friends if I start slowly like Constantine and make enemies first. And I probably shouldn't get my friends killed once I make them. But that's more John's problem than mine.

Ha ha! That's funny because it's the last issue!

Twenty minutes before this panel takes place, page two happened. That's where the huge hand of Darkseid followed Constantine and his pretend family through the portal he created. Also his portal opened in orbit around the Earth because I guess John didn't sacrifice enough friends to provide his spell any accuracy. So now if the giant hand doesn't squash them, or Constantine doesn't kill them with some off the cuff demon summoning, they'll probably suffocate in space.

Except I guess they don't because here they are in a field in England! And now Constantine has to endure the anger of his father. Again! It's tragic because he found a loving version of his father and now even that version hates him. I think it's time for John to look deep inside himself and ask, "Was my real father a dick or was it all my fault?"

As Constantine's Twofer father prepares to put a bullet in John's brain, John remembers how they arrived in this field. Constantine cast a spell to deceive Darkseid and make him think that the universe they escaped to was one that Darkseid had already destroyed. He could have also just shown him a picture of this Earth's Batman and Darkseid would have gone back to the Earth-2 Universe with soiled underwear.

The problem I have with this moment is that I don't feel it means anything. Has Constantine really been brought to a moment of world weary despair? Or is he just, once again, manipulating a situation to achieve the only goal he has ever shown he truly fucking cares about: his continued survival. I know I'm about as cynical as you can get though so it may read differently for more naive gullible credulous emotionally unstable empathetic readers.

Constantine's Twofer father can't pull the trigger so Twofer Maureen takes the gun and tries to put him down. But Constantine utters the magic letter and disappears because why should he ever die when he has the magics!? Ridiculous! Let the other people die! The ones with pockets full of no magic! They should have thought twice before not believing in magic and then dying because they didn't have magic to save them at the cost of somebody else's life. Idiots!

Twofer Chas points out that, you know, they are alive because of that jerk, you know? And at least that's better than not being alive. I mean, if your problem with being saved is that other people weren't saved and you don't know how to live with survivor's guilt, you don't have to be angry at the person who saved you while you take advantage of the gift that person gave you. You can always just kill yourself and set that wrong to right! Do whatever you want! It's no bullet out of my clip.

And then out of all the stuff that just bounces off the unemotional Kevlar of my hide, the last scene almost makes me cry. But then I think about how my father would probably backhand me and scream "Real men don't cry, you pussy baby!" and I pull myself together and do thirty push-ups while looking at raunchy heterosexual pornography while muttering, "Don't cry. Don't you cry, you baby! Crying is for dolls that you put water into and then push a button so they cry real tears and then you scream at them and say, 'I'll give you something to cry about!'"

This is the page that caused all the drama. Or trauma.

Constantine #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. One of the things I've always loved about John Constantine is the way he pisses on the idea of living nobly. Most of us, in our entire lifetime, will never have to make a decision between continuing to live at the expense of another person's life. And I don't mean making unethical business decisions where you gain something at the expense of others. I mean where you trade your own literal life for the literal life of another person. People talk about love and taking a bullet for another person because it's easy to believe those words. It's easy to want to think of yourself as a person who would sacrifice for the good of another even at the cost of your own life. And sometimes it happens but, if I had to guess, that's usually instinctive and at the spur of the moment and never once does the thought, "I'm going to die right now to save somebody," go through a person's mind. Give the person time to think about that decision and let's see what happens. Give them a week to decide to trade their life for somebody else's. Let rationalization take hold and you'll get quite a different result. We rationalize everything in our lives so that we seem to live an ethical, noble life. But isn't it funny how the way we live is exactly the way that fulfills most of our selfish desires? And you don't think making the decision to stay alive would be different somehow? It's the most important thing! And Constantine knows it and he shows it in every action he takes. Which is why I think this was a beautiful ending with Constantine toasting to life. What else is there?

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39

How does Starfire's top even work? How does it stay in place? Super glue?

I don't really get Writer's Block so much as Turning Whatever Word or Phrase Pops Into My Head Into A Version of The Spider-Man Cartoon Theme Song Block. So I'll begin a commentary and just start typing something "Writer's Block! Writer's Block! Does whatever a Writer's Block does! Turns your stories into shite then makes you write about what to write! Look out! Here comes the Writer's Block!" Since I wanted to be Spider-Man back when I was a little tyke, I'm willing to guess about fifteen percent of my life has been me turning things into the Spider-man song. Possibly the only time I've ever felt a connection to Homer Simpson was when he sang the Spider-Pig song. Aside from his desire to fuck doughnuts, of course.

If you've been reading my commentaries for some length of time (masochists!), you'll have encountered a few of my versions of the theme song. Mostly I'm able to keep them bottled up. Nobody wants to read a new version of the Spider-Man cartoon theme song two or three times a day.

It's also difficult to say you have Writer's Block when you're just typing up snarky comments about the comic book you're currently reading. I definitely run the gamut concerning my desire to be writing about a comic book. So sometimes you'll get a half-assed synopsis of Batman and Superman's trip to Kandor because I'd rather be playing Magic the Gathering on the Xbox while other times you'll get a lovingly worded and fondly written Batgirl diary entry crafted across two to three hours. Sometimes the reviews are a labor and sometimes they're a labor of love. Sometimes I just need to get another comic book off the stack, and other times I'm thoroughly invested in the story and excited by the characters.

Mostly though, I'm just avoiding thinking about death.

Believe it or not, that last sentence was a joke! I like to keep the mood of my commentaries light and whimsical with just a hint of rotting in the grave!

Oh shit! I distracted myself so well with the previous Spider-Man bit that I forgot I was about to read a Scott Lobdell comic book until I picked it up and opened it to this:

Not quite Lobdelled in my traditional definition of "Lobdelling a comic book," but close enough for my tastes.

I wonder if Jason Todd knows that Batman once had to wage the same battle against Venom? Way back before Bane was even a sperm clot in Chuck Dixon and Doug Moench's throats. Apparently that story was by Denny O'Neil (the creator of Venom (the drug, not the alien symbiote!)). I guess Replacement Batman's use of Venom over in World's End is a callback to that story. Although it hadn't occurred to me before this because Replacement Batman had been using Miraclo in Earth-2 and only switched over to Venom while in World's End. I guess because Val-el or Power Girl or The Huntress or somebody destroyed his supply of Miraclo because it was an addictive drug. But then nobody seemed to give a shit when he upped his prescription to Venom.

Now Jason Todd had to struggle with using Venom because why wouldn't he use a drug to enhance his normal capabilities? I mean, he's a teenager, right? And Scott Lobdell knows all about the lives of teenagers! That's why Red Hood, Arsenal, and Starfire's lives are filled with relationship drama and battles against illicit substances and bitter resentment towards adults.

Also, teenagers love to parody misquotes from movies nearly seventy years old.

Granted, that near quote of the line from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre has just become one of those quotes that has a full and vibrant life outside of its original source. So I'm sure if you ask Roy where the quote is from, he'll say he heard it from some modern movie or television show.

Fun Fact: I never knew where the abridged version of the quote was from until just now when I asked Lord Google about the quote so I could find a list of modern movies and television shows where it's appeared. Princess Wikipedia states that the more popular, shortened version of the line comes from The Monkees. So when I was a kid watching that show in syndication (I can still hear Mickey Dolenz saying it!), I may have learned the line from there and, like Roy here, gone around quoting it without realizing it was from a thirty plus year old movie. So I guess teenagers do love to parody quotes from ancient sources! They just probably think that the quote comes from whatever source they heard it from first and then argue with anybody who tells them differently. I know I would have!

Princess Wikipedia also has this to say about the line: "In a 1983 episode of TV series Wizards and Warriors, the character Marko (played by Walter Olkewicz) delivers a spoof of the line as 'Badgers? We don't need no stinkin' badgers'." I loved that show as a swords and sorcery, Dungeons and Dragons, mythology obsessed twelve year old! I know, I was totally not like any other twelve year old, right?! Princess Wikipedia says she needs a citation for that quote. I should get her the citation since I have that series burned to DVD! I'll find the scene where Jacques Renault says it! But later. I'm busy reading another fantastic Scott Lobdell comic book right now.

What does that mean?! Is that a compliment? "I don't need an illicit substance that will eventually consume my every waking thought and send my life spiraling out of control. I've got you!"

Meanwhile in the jungle, Blackfire and Starfire have a normal sisterly interaction.

Blackfire: "I'm so glad I traveled across the universe and found you tied to a tree so I can kill you!"
Starfire: "What? No! Don't!"
Blackfire: "I am so excited to get to kill you after whatever it is you did recently to make me mad at you again even though I thought we were getting along and shit."
Starfire: "Why am I not dead yet?"
Blackfire: "God, if I wasn't able to kill you myself, I don't know what I'd do! It's like the only thing that's been keeping me going for like the last ten hours or something."
Starfire: "Um, you don't really want to kill me, do you?"
Blackfire: "I'm just savoring the moment! It's not like you're going to be rescued way out here in the middle of this jungle! I have time to enjoy the arousal brought on by a job well done nearly completed!"
Starfire: "Um, hey, weren't you busy being a Queen or something?"
Blackfire: "Oh yeah! That's a long story that I probably have time to tell and then still kill you after! Let me tell it to you!"
Starfire: "What's that sound?"
Blackfire: "Oh! Get down even lower than you already are lying on the ground in chains! It is a patrol of Citadel monsters that I am running from and why I have come to get help from you!"
Starfire: "Wait. What? Is fucking Helspont behind the way you're acting?"

I guess Blackfire has to keep up the appearance that she wants Starfire dead because she's being observed by Helspont but his ability to observe her only works occasionally which allows Blackfire to tell Starfire why she really sought her out after claiming to want to kill her? Or Scott Lobdell is doing that thing where one comic book ends one way and then he begins the next one another way because he either can't remember where he meant for the story to go or he just thought up a new plot point that works better than the vague, bullshit he'd been planning earlier?

Manufactured indignation! Faux outrage! Increased drama! Characterization!

Immediately after this, Crux's ship is hit by a missile and blows up. I guess the monkeys in this jungle have some serious feces throwing technology. Crux manages to pull Roy Harper from the explosion but not Red Hood, so I guess he's dead. Crux also gets shot while flying Roy to safety, so I guess he's dead too.

If you're one of those people who refuse to look at the cover of their comic books to avoid spoilers, you'd be surprised to find that Rose Wilson is the one behind the attack. She's trying to kill the Red Hood which completely explains why she's in this jungle waiting for him.

Jason Todd and Rose Wilson's initial conversation goes like this:

Jason Todd: "Hey, Rose. Love that mask."
Rose Wilson: "Yeah. I'd considered a heart tattoo that said 'Jason' with an axe hacking it in two."

I know I usually make up those dialogues but that was the actual dialogue this time. It was split up across two pages so scanning it was a problem. But it's such a horrible interaction that I thought it needed to be documented here in this Anti-Lobdell safe-zone. So Rose's response to her mask is to tell Jason that he broke her heart and that she figured a mask was better than a horrible face tattoo. I suppose that's what passes for snarky, hilarious banter in a Scott Lobdell comic book. Also, Rose and Jason were an item?

Whether it's Superboy and Wonder Girl, Cheshire and Arsenal, or Rose Wilson and Jason Todd, apparently Scott Lobdell is incapable of writing a fight scene between a male and a female without making them flirt awkwardly. "Oh! Oh! I want to kill you! Or fuck you!" "Eww, you make me so angry! But you're so cute!" "It's too bad I have to cut your dick off instead of putting it inside of me!"

Meanwhile, Blackfire takes off some of her clothes which seems almost impossible for her to still be wearing anything after stating she took off some clothes. I guess she needed to compete with her sister's male gaze. Half of the ink now being used on the Starfire/Blackfire scenes is orange and is being used on boobies.

Starfire and Blackfire bond and not a word is said about how Blackfire threatened to kill her. I guess that was just the kind of hyperbole a sister uses when she finds her sibling tied to a tree in a jungle whacked out on Space Crank. Blackfire tells Starfire to take it easy while she heads out to run an errand.

"Just let me put even less clothing on than I'm currently wearing first. Be back in a jiff!"

Double meanwhile, Rose Wilson joins up with Red Hood, Arsenal, and Crux for some reason. It's not like she just tried to murder them and then hunted around the wreckage hoping to find gory evidence of that murder or anything. She was just teasing! Also, her job wasn't to kill Jason Todd as we saw in a previous panel. They're just a distraction. Her real job must involve killing Tamaraneans! Or Citadelians? Or monkeys?

Turns out Rose is definitely hunting Starfire (again, only a surprise to the people that got the Harley Quinn variant cover) because Starfire has made a lot of enemies buying drugs from them recently.

Wrong. Your conversation about how long the fight would last was three seconds. I hate to side with Jason Todd but you're wrong, Roy Harper. Although I do love to side against Roy Harper!

I know for an artist it's always more visibly stimulating to have two antagonists rush each other with fists cocked. But Rose has a sword which she's deadly with so why didn't she pull it out? And Starfire shoots bolts of energy so why didn't she just remain hovering out of Rose's reach while burning her face off? I think these two women just wanted to touch. And they probably did it for the males watching!

Much quicker than usual, everybody realizes they're basically on the same side and nobody is using drugs anymore. That's because the trend at DC Comics is for happy and whimsical with less grim and gritty angst. Now instead of everybody battling their inner demons, it's time to battle the outer demons congregating in the jungle making Space Crank! I wonder if Blackfire is behind it all, the traitorous wench!

Oh yeah. And Helspont. Blackfire and Helspont are behind it all!

It's not overly done or anything to have a character say that it can't get any worse. And I bet it won't feel overdone next month when Jason Hood says to Roy, "You just had to say it couldn't get any worse, didn't you?"

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39 Rating: No change. This issue was just as poorly done as I expect it to be but at least it's coherent. Kind of. I mean, the whole Blackfire/Starfire exchange was weird. And that part where Rose blows up Red Hood's ship and tries to kill him even though she loves him was odd. And the fact that they all decide to work together didn't make much sense. And a lot of the dialogue was terrible. And the weird about-face Lobdell decided to do with his drug plots was enjoyably amateurish. Although the Helspont reveal on the last page was original and well written! No? Hmm, maybe this wasn't as coherent or as well put together as I'd thought. Oh well!

Constantine #22

Constantine's "birth date" must just be a reference to his first actual appearance in Swamp Thing.

I can see DC Comics wanting Constantine to be about twenty-nine. It makes sense since they don't want fucking old people in their comic books anymore. I think Batman being about thirty-two is really pushing the limits of age acceptability. But it makes no sense for John to have been born in 1985 if he hung around CBGBs and the punk scene in New York. I suppose the stories about Constantine and Nick Necro could have taken place in a post-punk hardcore punk punk pop punk punk new punk rock-a-punk junk punk scene of the mid-naughts. You remember that scene, right? That was a pretty wild scene. Right? Wasn't it a scene? Did I get the name wrong? Can we at least pretend it was a scene so we can hear people say, "Dude, I was there! Right smack fucking dab in the middle of the post-punk hardcore punk punk pop punk new punk rock-a-punk junk punk explosion, man!"

Last issue, John Constantine killed Earth-2 John Constantine because that's the closest he'll ever be able to come to killing himself. Except for that time he killed himself when he had lung cancer but that doesn't really count because he knew the bureaucracy and red tape to recover his soul would be so confusing that nobody would allow him to die. So that was less a suicide attempt and more just being a Smart Alec.

Constantine also opened a gate between Earth-2 and Earth-Main-Earth so he could finally return home after his relatively boring trip into the past. He was hoping to take along his lost family and friends but after murdering their John right in front of them, he's kind of lost them as well. But Doctor Cocoa Puffs is still trying to hitch his oxen to the wagon that he's hoping to hitch to Constantine's star because he wants to stop being Doctor Cocoa Puffs and once again become good old normal Doctor Fate. But I'll only ever call him that when he resides on Earth-Main-Earth! So he'd better come up with a spell that allows him to follow John! This story probably takes place after Doctor Cocoa Puff's trip to Apokolips where Khalid and Nabu become best friends and easy lovers.

Making friends the John Constantine way!

Constantine doesn't want these people thinking he's the worst liar and murderer to ever exist, so he takes them on a site seeing tour of Heaven where God is shutting up the Pearly Gates and leaving the universe because He's afraid of Darkseid. So Constantine's argument is what? "I may have just killed their best friend but look at God! What a Dick, right?!" Why would they even believe what they're seeing is real? He's shown he can do great feats of magic and he's shown that he's a great big bloody lying bastard! Do those make for a trustworthy tour guide?

Doctor Cocoa Puffs continues to hamper Constantine's escape attempt. He can apparently shoot Ankh-shaped fish hooks into the portal that John opened but he can't follow himself unless John allows it. In his fishing attempts, he manages to snare Earth-2 John's Mom and pull her off of Constantine's Tenser's Floating Disc. Constantine's fake family get even angrier.

You know, John, some people's base motivation isn't simply self-preservation at any cost. I know! It's crazy. It should be but it isn't for some reason!

General Apathy continues to hound Constantine as well. I guess it can travel in the spaces between worlds too. Probably because it was told it can't and it was just all, "Boundaries? Limits? Whatever."

Constantine and his group (composed of many more people than just his pseudo-family and quasi-friends. I guess he just grabbed up everybody near the spell in London) travel through The Green and The Grey and The Red until they wind up in the Astral Realm. Even here, Parademons attack a blue flame that is the source of life in the universe. Is this like that light that Lobo kept trying to snuff out in the Magenta Timeline? But Constantine ignores it because fuck the Earth-2 universe! Put a spork in it, as the kids say, because it's too hard to eat with just a fork or a spoon. And then Constantine and his new frenemies are suddenly through into the Earth-Main-Earth universe! And they brought a gigantic hand with them!

Whoops!

Is it the Anti-Monitor's hand? The Anti-Monitor really hates Earths that aren't Earth-Main-Earth. And he probably hates that Earth too even though he never got a chance to show it.

Apparently it's just Darkseid's hand. And he's suddenly become interested in Constantine because Darkseid likes to find new Universes to consume and Constantine has shown the ability to cross from one to the next. Constantine throws a bunch of survivors at Darkseid's hand because fuck them. They would have already been dead anyway if it hadn't been for Constantine. Now he's trying to save Universe-Main-Universe and the only way to do it is to pull a con on Darkseid and he's only got one issue left.

Constantine #22 Rating: No change. Darkseid didn't recognize Earth-Main-Earth's universe but that was probably because only his hand made it through the portal and Darkseid is no Ten Eyed Man. If Darkseid had known which universe Constantine had escaped to, Darkseid might have retreated of his own free will. Not the universe that kicked his ass! Not the universe with The Batman that humiliated him and his son and his Glorious Godfrey! Not the universe that put Highfather in his place with a proper scolding from Hal Jordan! No reason to kick that universe full of hornets when there are 50 others to kick that are full of easier victims, like cartoon rabbits and Chibi Superheroes and Marvel families that can't even say "crap" or take advantage of Georgia Sivana's wonderful traits.

I just realized next month is going to be a pretty exciting time with Last Issues all over the place!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #38

Yay! We've all been waiting for the return of Crux, xenophobe that turned himself into a xeno!

Maybe I'll like Red Hood and the Outlaws better if I treat it like a sitcom. I'll just pretend that the world resets every month and then when Lobdell changes things from issue to issue to fit his new version of the story, I won't have an aneurysm!

The issue begins with Crux in Arkham Asylum. He's being treated by a man in a wheelchair with his finger glued to his bald head. It looks like he's thinking really hard about how he's going to help his new patient get over his hatred of aliens! He also looks like he might be using his Charles Xavier mental powers that he probably has since Scotty loves repurposing X-men stuff in his DC Comics. The orderlies even call him "Professor!" Like in Professor Charles Xavier! Although this professor has a goatee making him a totally different character. Oh, and he's got brown skin instead of Charles "never been in the sun" hue.

Surprise! The Professor is actually Jason Todd! Crux realized who he was when he smelled Todd's fart.

Crux tells Red Hood that he's going to kill him but Red Hood tells Crux a joke. Then Crux tries to bite Red Hood while Red Hood is holding two guns in his hand. Luckily one of his guns instantly transforms into a knife so he can stab Crux in the tongue! I bet that's one of those new Wayne Enterprises Gun-to-Knife prototypes. Red Hood is almost killed when he nearly lands on a spiked iron fence but Crux saves him because of that thing where the bad guy always wants to torture the good guy for as long as possible before killing him. That always works out well!

Well, I guess that's why he saved him! He loooooooooves him!

Way back in Issue #5 (or something) when the Outlaws defeated Crux, I was sort of worried that he'd join the team because he was an awful character. But now I hope he's going to join the team because he's an awful character and fits right in! It just took me longer to realize that Jason Todd, Roy Harper, and Starfire were all awful characters as well. I was still under the assumption that they were interesting due to their Preboot incarnations. Who knew the New 52 mandate was to make them all so unlikable?!

Crux spent his time in the Asylum changing shape and walking around acting condescending to the other inmates in order to help them get better. Then he'd pretend to be a raving, psychotic dragon during the day so that he could remain in Arkham because he so enjoyed wandering about at night being a condescending, self-righteous asshole to Two-Face and The Mad Hatter and Bane and The Scarecrow. I'm sure he thoroughly helped them all because he was so much smarter than they were. He is, after all, a Scott Lobdell character which means he's the best at whatever he does. I don't know what that is though. Archaeology? Alien physiology? Genetics of some kind?

Crux becomes the new pilot for the Outlaws since they have been using his ship. And then they rush off to rescue Starfire from doing drugs! Too bad they don't find her first!

Now they have to rescue Starfire from her sister! But that's okay since Starfire had already rescued herself from the drugs by placing herself in Chained To A Tree In The Jungle Rehab.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is so much better when I punch myself in the head eighteen times before reading it! I hope Crux stays on the team. I know I flipped out earlier when I thought Crux was going to join the team way back when they first encountered him, but I think the fact that he didn't join was a missed opportunity. This team needs fresh blood in it. And Starfire needs a new person to fuck.

Constantine #21

Has Doctor Fate's helmet always looked like a scowling crow with a Great Gatsby haircut and a spit curl?

My friend Doom Bunny wants me to do his wife's job for her! No, not that job! Apparently she's going to have her 7th Grade class write poems or something and he wants Grunion Guy to write an example poem demonstrating all of the poetic techniques they'll have to use in their poems. But he didn't tell me how much he was going to pay me so I'm not working on it at all!

I mean, maybe I'll think about it a little bit! I guess they have to write a poem about an animal or insect that most people dislike and the poem is supposed to convince the audience that they're stupid idiots and totally wrong in their opinion. I was thinking about doing a poem about dogs but I think most people like dogs for some reason. Probably because most people are needy dumb dumbs who love having their crotches sniffed, I guess. Then I figured it's supposed to be an example poem, so what better creature to use than a spider, right? Most people hate spiders but I know those people are, once again, needy dumb dumb who love having their crotches sniffed!

Now that I've chosen the spider as my topic, the next thing I need to demonstrate to a bunch of stupid probably virgin 7th graders is the concept of a refrain. Calling 7th Graders virgins makes it sound like I'm looking down on them because I've had sex, right? I don't want it to sound like I haven't had sex because that would be a mistake on my part for letting that cat slip out of the bag and a mistake on your part for thinking that I haven't sexed up loads of socially acceptable partners! Anyway, I need a refrain! It's hard to come up with one of my own so I think I'll borrow one. Don't worry, I'll give it back later.

My Spider Poem Refrain:

"I'll be trapped beneath your finger!" x 2 twice and then it will become this:

"You'll be wrapped around my stinger!" x 2!

Oh yeah! That's clever! And probably anatomically correct! Unless it isn't and then let's call it poetic license!

Okay, next I need to demonstrate personification. That's easy! The spider will just narrate the entire poem! So the last things I need are alliteration, onomatopoeia, simile, and metaphor. And with those building blocks, I've come up with this! Boy, I hope I come up with something soon after a lead up like that!

"The Spider"

You consider me a household horror
Lost beneath the futon's fuzzy folds!
Traumatized by your hysteric weeping
No one in the house will still be sleeping.

I was only crawling seeking dinner
I don't want my eight legs getting thinner.
Like a simile you think I'm useless.
Because a simile's a metaphor, you know, it just is!

I'll be trapped beneath your finger!
I'll be trapped beneath your finger!

You should feel lucky when you see a
Spider. Don't worry about onomatopoeia!
Spiders don't make sounds so just forget it!
Unless your cat meows and then you pet it!

I'll be trapped beneath your finger!
I'll be trapped beneath your finger!

Spiders are the best you now can say!
Say I convinced you so I can get an A!
I think I already did alliteration!
Mrs. Bunny can now go on vacation!

You'll be wrapped around my stinger!
You'll be wrapped around my stinger!
Thank you and love spiders! Good night Denver!

I hope that's good enough for that rascally Doom Bunny and his wife! I think it teaches the kids everything they need to know about poetry!

Hey! That's what I've always said!

Constantine can't cross back to Earth-Main-Earth while both he and John-2 are still alive. So now he's stalling until he can figure out a way to kill John-2 without everybody going, "Yo! Why'd you do that for?!" It's possible Doctor Cocoa Puffs can help but Constantine needs to figure something out quick because an army of parademons has just descended on London looking for them.

Doctor Fate knows how to fix the problem. All Constantine has to do is put on a little golden helmet and everything will work out. It's just a little helmet! Maybe a bit garish, true. But come on! What harm can it do? Nabu wouldn't lie to you, would he, Constantine?!

Just kill him, John! Is pretending you considered taking your own life really going to make you feel better later?

Constantine watches, once again, his loved ones dying around him. He knows he should be the one to die to save them all. But he can't do it. Not when there's still another way to save his damned soul by killing John-2. And so that's what he does. To save the others, sure, but mostly just to save himself. Fuck if I don't totally relate to this bastard.

Once John-2 is dead, Constantine and his Earth-2 friends and family begin the journey to Earth-Main-Earth. He makes sure to piss off Doctor Cocoa Puffs and leave him well behind. But now he has to face John-2's people who all watched as Constantine killed their loved one. So now Constantine's going to have to lose them all over again because how can they not all hate him now?

Hell, Constantine might die anyway! I mean, of course he won't because his name is on the cover. But, you know, we can pretend he could die in his own book! Sometimes that happens to characters!

Constantine #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue was far better than my snarky comments about John's selfishness and cowardice make it out to be. But this blog isn't some touchy feely hugfest of emotional insights! It's a blog where I quickly change the subject to masturbation whenever I become too uncomfortable from all the feelings I'm experiencing. Besides, I spent a lot of time writing a fantastic poem to help out a friend! I don't have time to also point out how I share Constantine's sense of self-preservation at any cost! If I had the opportunity to save my family at the expense of my own life, I'd be all, "Mom who? What? Dad? Where's my dad? What?! I don't know any of these people!" Fuck it, man. I can live with that!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #37

Drink up, asshole.

Trigger warning for poorly written characters using addiction to represent dealing with the pains of their pasts because God forbid anybody in this day and age can figure out how to deal with their own problems. Dealing with your problems is bullshit because then how will everybody else know that you're in more pain than they are due to life being what it is (you know, bullshit. Like dealing with your problems!). It's better to spiral out of control to prove a point than to care about yourself and figure out your own shit. Better to slap labels on yourself to declare yourself off limits from being criticized because you've been diagnosed. Better to fucking hide and blame everybody else for the shit you don't want to deal with because it's too much and nobody in history has ever had to deal with the shit you're dealing with now. There's really only one trigger warning that matters.

Trigger Warning for the existential pain brought on by the loneliness of never being able to make a real connection with anybody in your life. Not because there is something deficient in you but because there is something deficient in all of us. The greatest sin is to believe your sin is without forgiveness. And the greatest source of loneliness and despair is to think that you're the only one full of loneliness and despair. Unless you possess some kind of telepathic power that enables your mind to be fully encompassed in another mind, you'll never connect with anybody as closely as you'd like. Even when you think you've found a partner that you're completely open with and with whom you share everything, you'll wake up one morning from a dream in which they were acting contrary to what you thought you knew about them and it'll eat away at your heart for the rest of day, hopefully becoming less and less terrifying as you engage in your daily mundane, rote existence until the fear of their betrayal becomes just more cobwebs in the corner of your brain, easy enough to ignore and which you can, probably, live with.

Hi Roy!

I said, "Hi Roy!"

Oh right! Right! And I'm just reading a comic book. Why am I responding to it?

If this is a memory, who are you talking to? Why are you explaining things to yourself? Are you drunk? No, wait. Do you know I'm here?! Can you see me, Roy Harper? Do you understand that you're in a comic book?

Oh, Roy! Don't be so hard on yourself! This is probably why you're an alcoholic. I bet this poor kid put too much pressure on himself to be perfect so that his parents would stop fighting, amirite?!

Why so defensive? I believe you! Now get on with projecting your telepathic memory so that I can watch it as you tell me what's going on, or whatever is happening here. Oh right. I'm reading a poorly written comic book.

I bet the volcano was set up by some kid super proud of his great science experiment, quivering in anticipation as he pictured the judges who would excitedly watch it smolder and then overflow with fake lava that was really just baking soda or something. And then the kid with the Cyborg Dinosaur walked into the room and volcano kid's shoulders sagged, a small tear came to one eye, and he slowly walked outside and threw himself in front of a bus.

Yes you do. This is a memory. That's what you get when you remember. And your dad, in this memory, is in a suit. So, quid pro caveat emptor, you big dumb dumb!

Of course that's all you wanted, Roy. Of course. You needy fucking prick. Do you think you're the only character in DC Comics with Daddy Issues? Get in fucking line.

Why does the reader need to catch up? We already read that part of the story. Are you sure you're not drunk?

You know, I don't have to be reminded of who you are every issue, Roy. And is Ollie really a millionaire? I think he either lost all of his money and his corporation in his own comic. Unless he got it back and then the statement is still wrong because then he'd be a billionaire.

These Narration Boxes serve the same purpose as having no Narration Boxes.

Roy is definitely drunk because I don't think New 52 Oliver Queen actually had anything to do with any business decision at Queen Industries ever. Unless it was an event with an open bar. I guess there was that small window of time during Giffen's short run where Ollie tried to make a go of being a business person. But then he was on a short leash and his handlers never would have let him get away with shit like this. And anyway, Scott Lobdell, since it seems you want to get "meta" with your characters and allow them to speak directly to your "audience" for "you," a better way to answer your critics than being a huge baby and flipping them off? Concentrate on writing better stories. Believe it or not, critics don't hate you just because you're you. They hate you because you suck at what you do. Stop worrying about the naysayers and concentrate on improving your crap. I mean craft!

I hate when people offer helpful advice.

Yeah, wouldn't want a guy who always gives you good advice hanging around with you. Oliver is such an asshole.

He didn't ask you to apologize. It's gauche to assume everybody wants you to apologize for being rich.

So Roy goes to work for Marvel Comics and loses the rights to all the great characters he created and stories that were turned into Saturday Morning Cartoons.

That's not an equation. It's a court case.

Anyway, it goes on like this for a lot more pages with Scott Lobdell feeling the incessant need to comment on his own story in the "voice" of Roy Harper. He might as well just be masturbating on every page. Splotches of semen would probably detract less than the constant Narration Boxing.

What happens is Roy enjoys his life working for Queen Industries. But maybe he enjoys it too much and so he constantly gets drunk and embarrasses himself and works his hardest to destroy the first real happiness he ever had. And then after it all comes crumbling down, he begins to lie to himself that it was never actually good in the first place and he was better off not being a part of Oliver Queen's life.

Oh, but first Roy finds out Ollie is Green Arrow and, just like Madison over in Futures End and everybody else that is a narcissistic asshole that doesn't understand that nobody owes you everything, he's hurt that Oliver didn't tell him who he was and that he was using Roy's inventions for his Green Arrow gig. Like that matters? Roy agreed that whatever he invented wasn't his anyway. This is why you never hire a kid with Daddy Issues.

I guess this is the icing on the cake? That Roy's superhero name is taken as a reminder of how betrayed he felt by his new father figure? Just another sad sack that can't believe in himself without being told by somebody else to believe in himself. Just another asshole that needs to be inspired by some other asshole that was once inspired to be inspiring. Fucking Speedy would have been a better name at this point.

This is one of those stories people tell about themselves which they think portrays them in a good light but really just shows how big of an asshole they are. I love when people tell stories like that.

I didn't think it was possible to hate Roy Harper any more. I guess I was wrong! Poor fucking Roy. I wonder if this is the same tantrum Henry Fyff threw before he left with Naomi? Or that other kid whose name I forget but he died before he could storm off upset that his technology was the only thing that made Green Arrow "Green Arrow." Fuck you, Roy Harper.

I'm going to go build myself a big bonfire to keep myself warm at night after this! And I'll be using all of my Red Hood comic books!

The issue ends with Roy thanking Oliver for still wanting to have something to do with him even though he's been a right spoiled piece of shit "Poor Me! Poor Me!" asshole that I can't fucking stand.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #37 Rating: -1 Ranking because of the incessant Narration Boxes. Holy shit. This comic probably reads better without reading the Narration Boxes. I don't know for sure though because I'm not about to try rereading it. How did I come away from this comic book liking Green Arrow more than I ever did?! I guess if Scott Lobdell was trying to write Roy as a despicable human being than kudos! But I have a suspicious feeling that this story was meant to make Roy a sympathetic character. And I don't doubt it worked for some people. But I probably don't like those people either.