The Flash #52

The Review or Whatever!
This story is about The Flash battling The Riddler. If you're asking me why it's taking so long to get to the end, I don't have an answer for you. Who thinks The Riddler has the potential to make The Flash's life miserable? I'm not even talking about nerd "What-If" conundrums sitting around a table in the back of a comic book shop. Nobody needs to use any brain power to realize that The Riddler should just stay out of Central City. Even if The Riddler had been smart enough to stay in hiding somewhere while making The Flash's life difficult with a bunch of Riddle Traps, The Flash still wouldn't have been fazed by any of it. Remember how he can think at super-speed? If he were asked a difficult riddle that had some kind of time limit, The Flash can do his super-quick thinking thing and realize in 0.0000001 Nanoseconds that he should run to Gotham and ask Batman. Problem solved! And if The Riddler ever decided to show his face around The Flash (which he did!), The Flash would have him bound and gagged before The Riddler could even threaten The Flash with a knock-knock joke!

One time when visiting Kansas when I was five, I was forced to go to Sunday School by my Aunt's mom. I heard less ridiculous things in class that day than I'm currently reading in this comic book.

I would still consider it humane! Look, if we're going to have the ridiculous debate about how to kill somebody humanely, why not the guillotine? Because when you really sit down and stop being a dick, you'd realize that the death penalty can't ever be applied humanely.

If I were in charge of punishing criminals, my death penalty would be applied randomly! So everybody on Death Row knows that at any time, somebody can come into their cells and just butcher them. Then once a month or so, I'd stage a butchering in one of the cells to really freak out everybody on Death Row. But I'd never actually kill anybody. Even that is more humane than actually killing somebody! Plus, I think it's a pretty fun punishment! It would give a lot of theater majors jobs!

I do like the idea of cutting off Barry's head in a guillotine! Too bad I know he survives because I read Rebirth #1 already! Idiot! Now I'm not feeling any tension!

Wally West hears The Riddler's announcement that The Flash will be executed on live television at the bottom of the hour. Which part of the hour is the bottom? The 30 part of the hour because it's at the bottom of an old fashioned clock? Or does that just mean the end of the hour? Some times you can live to be forty-four years old and still not understand simple turns of phrase because nobody bothered to explain them to you. Assholes.

Oh, um, I forgot to add Wally's reaction to the end of that paragraph! I'm always distracting myself! So, um, after hearing the announcement, Wally uses his new superspeed to dismantle one of The Riddler's drones. Apparently The Riddler's drones aren't programmed to start killing people as soon as superspeed is detected. If that were really true, The Riddler would be done for because The Flash can deposit The Riddler in China long before The Riddler can activate the drones manually.

Oh! I wonder if The Flash will use his supervibrating powers to pleasure Iris. I mean to pretend he lost his head in the guillotine as it seemingly slides through his neck and then his head drops into the basket (still attached, of course, but vibrating so his neck can phase through the wall of the basket).

Because Riddler's drones detected superspeed elsewhere in the city, The Riddler believes that Barry Allen is lying about being The Flash! Good one, Wally! You've totally saved the day and Barry's secret identity too! And The Riddler won't destroy the city until he can explain his genius to the actual Flash. Wally West is a genius! I mean, an accidental genius, but still a genius! Although he actually is a real genius as well because aren't all super heroes?

The Flash walks off to go get help from The Rogues. Sure! Why not?! They've been against him for a few issues so it's time for them to flip-flop and help him for a few issues. But only because their home is being threatened! Once they save the city, they'll be back to burglaring things!

The Flash, Captain Cold, Weather Wizard, and The Pied Piper head off to confront The Riddler while Golden Glider, Trickster, and Mirror Master go to save Heat Wave. Riddler realizes Trickster betrays him and sets off the bomb in Trickster's arm. With his good hand, Trickster decides to hold it against Heat Wave's prison to free him. I guess Trickster is now a double amputee, at the least.

Oh come on! He was at the center of that blast!

Once The Flash knows Heat Wave's powers won't be used against the city by The Riddler, he destroys all of the drones and apprehends The Riddler. Just like he should have done in two seconds when The Riddler first threatened him. I think sometimes he forgets just how fast he can do things.

The issue ends with Captain Frye finally realizing he's been a complete moron and the citizens of Central City cheering The Flash...for now!

Did this issue make up for how terrible this book has been for the last year or more? Of course not! But it was actually a good issue! More like how this book should be. I guess I can't tell Van Jensen to keep going in this direction since he's just kept going right out of DC's offices. I'm not sure who is writing this book after Rebirth. I suppose I can look it up but I can also wait until Wednesday. Being that I'm Internet Lazy, I'll just wait for Wednesday. Or for Troll Post to tell me in the comments!

The Flash #51

The Flash versus The Riddler? This is supposed to be a compelling match-up?

The Review or Whatever
The Flash has been on a pretty terrible run of issues lately. Get it?! I said "run" while discussing The Flash! I could totally write this comic book. I bet I could even write a good time travel story for The Flash even though The Flash's time travel stories are generally terrible and cause a lot of problems. I would have The Flash time travel back to when he first time traveled so that he could kick himself in the balls. But he'd do it so fast that he wouldn't even notice and then he'd try to run super fast on the Cosmic Treadmill but his balls would hurt so badly that he'd decide it wasn't possible and completely give up on time travel. Although that would really reset the DC Universe in disastrous ways, right? How many years of continuity would be destroyed if The Flash never finds out about Earth-2?! Then he'd have to go back in time to kick himself in the balls before he could kick himself in the balls so that time could be put back to normal!

Oh! Guess who isn't doing the art on this issue? Brett Booth! CONFETTI!

How the hell does The Riddler say so many things before The Flash has him bound and gagged?! Comic books are so silly!

The Riddler's riddle is an old riddle? I guess it's from back when people were long winded and asked terrible riddles! I've never heard that old riddle before! It sounds like it was made up by Van Jensen! "I am fast but you are slow! Nothing is as fast as I am because I am so fast you won't believe it! So fast! Fastest thing there is! You'll never guess! Super fast! Whew!" The answer is light which is a big twist to the usual hack writer way of defeating The Flash by declaring that "nothing is as fast as the speed of thought!" But here's the problem with The Riddler's plan. He can set off all of his drones to kill a bunch of random people all over the city whenever he wants. But he explicitly tells The Flash that he can give the command. But in the time it takes for him to even explain that, The Flash should have knocked him unconscious. The Riddler isn't as smart as he thinks he is because no writer is as smart as The Riddler should be.

The Riddler informs The Flash that if he uses his speed or attempts to touch The Riddler, the drones all over the city will begin killing people. So The Flash just stands there waiting to get his ass kicked. You know what he should do? Run all over the city super fast and stop as many drones as possible. Sure, some people will die. But that's not on The Flash at all! That's on The Riddler! Plus The Flash will have stopped whatever worse plans The Riddler has in store!

Oh! You know what else The Flash could do? He could open up his Justice League Communicator so that Batman can hear what's going on! Then Batman and Wonder Woman and Supercorpse can come save the day while The Flash distracts The Riddler. But I guess he's got too much pride to call in the other Justice Leaguers.

The Pied Piper rolls up on his motorcycle to save The Flash. I guess The Flash escaping doesn't constitute an infringement of the rules because The Riddler doesn't start killing people.

Oh no! What if Wally starts using his new superspeed powers! The drones will detect it and start killing people! Oh my! I hope that doesn't happen! I'm so nervous now!

The Flash and Piper head into the sewers to recruit a whole bunch of rats! Meanwhile, Captain Frye learns that he now works for The Riddler because he's made a ton of stupid decisions lately. He deserves everything he gets! What a tool!

The Riddler demands that The Flash turn himself in or else everybody begins dying. He thinks that's a plan by a smart guy? That's the same old plan that always gets pulled out and fails! Fucking Riddler is as dumb as ever!

The Flash gives himself up and he also reveals his secret identity while doing it. I don't remember that being part of The Riddler's demands but whatever! Good job, Barry! Hopefully you called Batman before surrendering because I don't think Pied Piper's sixty thousand rats are going to save the day. I mean, they might. People get really creeped out by rats!

The Flash #50

Come on, DC. The Flash should at least make the cover of his own comic book.

The Review
The Flash is still considered a bad guy because The Riddler is apparently such a genius that he manipulated all of the time travel events in such a way that it turned everybody against The Flash. Or maybe he's just decided to take advantage of the fact that Captain Frye is a huge idiot and doesn't know the difference between criminals and heroes. I realize that line is super fuzzy in the DC You (and possibly other comic book universes but these commentaries don't focus on those universes). This comic book is still bad and relies on tired plot points and stupid readers. I may be stupid in a lot of ways but I'm not a Stupid Comic Book Reader at all! I'm a Grand Master Comic Book Reader and I declare this is a terrible comic book.

The Commentary
I have a feeling I'm going to be buying a lot more comic books than usual in May thanks to some of these titles being so far behind. Issue #50 on April 28th?! Looking up the release dates of the last two issues of PreRebirth Flash comic books, I see another one is due next week and Issue #52 is due the day Rebirth begins. I suppose that'll be the same for all of the other books that are way behind, like Justice League and Batgirl and Black Canary and Cyborg. Although maybe Black Canary and Cyborg have caught up by now. And also, they don't have the same amount of pressure on them as the comics that need to get their 52nd issue published, so maybe they'll just wrap up whenever. Not that it matters to me since Cyborg really could have wrapped up before it even started. Such a boring comic book!

When we last left The Flash, Central City's Police Department was acting like it was Backwards Law Day. They decided The Flash needed to be arrested while they began paying known criminals to help catch The Flash. I get that superhero comic books have been published for so long that there just aren't many new stories to tell, especially if the writer isn't very imaginative, but can we stop writing this story about how the law turns against the good guys so desperately that they ignore all the wrongdoing super villains have done? From now on, when a writer walks into a pitch meeting and says one of the following, I would like the editors to just shoot them in the head:

"Get this...the superhero loses all of her powers!"
"Imagine, if you can, the superhero...is framed by the bad guy and everybody loses trust in him!"
"You're going to call me crazy, but how about this for the next Superman story: he faces an alien that is more powerful than he is!"
"The theme of our Wonder Woman run will be how Wonder Woman has time for both a social life and a working life! Plus she should be seen in the shower a lot!"
"The hero falters but the people rise up to do the heroes job and the hero acknowledges that we are all the hero!"
"I don't know if this has ever been done but how about a Justice League story where they're beaten down for four issues and then, in the fifth issue, they rise up and win the day through sheer force of forcefulness!"
"What if we have some thing...I don't know what to call it...maybe a crisis? And it will involve all of the heroes and change continuity in critical ways and maybe renumber the comic books too!"
"Have we ever considered lobbying congress to demand a law be passed that forces people to buy our products the way that Obamacare forces people to buy corporate insurance or face severe tax penalties? Fucking geniuses, those guys!"

There are hundreds more like the story where a bad guy kills a female second cousin of the protagonist and the protagonist has grief. Or the one where the female hero is raped by the bad guy and experiences grief. Or the one where the male protagonist's mother is raped and killed so that the male protagonist grieves. Or the one where the sidekick is killed so that Batman gets a chance to grieve.

How about telling your aunt to stop publishing untrue articles about how dangerous The Flash is when all of the death and destruction was caused by other people. She's a lousy fucking reporter.

Iris is on scene as The Flash is arrested to ask Captain Frye one question: "What the hell are you doing?" Am I wrong? Did I remember things incorrectly? Didn't Iris write an article with a headline that was like and probably not exactly "FLASH: MENACE OR BIGGER MENACE?!" which questioned the safety of The Flash operating in Central City after the police headquarters were destroyed? I suppose if she did, it was enough issues in the past that nobody is going to read this bit about Iris and think, "What a fucking hypocrite she is!"

Meanwhile, The Trickster reports back to his new boss who I guessed was Ron Howard with Heat Wave in a fish tank. But judging by his green suit and gloves, it's obviously The Riddler with Heat Wave in a fish tank. He has plans to take over Central City in the same way that he could never take over Gotham. But first he had to get the law to turn against The Flash which was totally easy because he lives in the DC Universe where everybody simultaneously hates and loves superheroes, depending on which way the plot needs them to feel.

Flash's dad calls in a favor to help his son break out of prison before he gets unmasked. That means Girder and Overload take a hit on their sentences simply to help out. Maybe they're good guys too and I didn't realize it because of Central City's Backwards Law Day.

This is another horrible comic book trope. If there's a power outage, all of the prisoners go free because DC Prisons can't afford manual locks or electronically controlled locks that simply remain locked if the power goes out.

The Flash saves all of the cops and prison guards before Overload causes a massive explosion. This brings us to the next example in what seems to be a comic book meant to showcase lazy plotting: Captain Frye once again trusts The Flash because The Flash saved his life. I mean, The Flash saved his life when the Police Department exploded as well but I guess that was just normal Flash saving lives life saving. This was extenuating circumstances Flash saving lives where he saves the lives of people actively incarcerating him for no fucking good reason at all.

Flash now has to stop a massive prison break and riot at Iron Heights because that's just a thing that heroes have to deal with now that cell doors can't seem to stay locked. But at least maybe Iris will write an article with a new headline: FLASH CAUSES PRISON RIOT WHILE ESCAPING CUSTODY! Hmm, maybe that isn't the direction she should go with this story.

Flash saves all of the guards but doesn't attempt to stop the inmates himself since they're stuck on an island for a bit. I mean, the ones who can't fly are. Unless they pay the ones who can fly to fly them off. Anyway, forget about the prison! It doesn't matter anymore. It's time for The Flash to battle the Rogues again because Captain Frye hasn't had the chance to tell them they've been fired. Although if they can save his life, maybe he'll rehire them and begin mistrusting The Flash once more.

It's during the battle that The Riddler makes his big reveal and explains his motivations. You see, he noticed The Flash has never been beaten and he wanted to take a crack at beating him. Christ, Enigma. You're supposedly super smart but you can't figure out that there are cities in the world that don't have resident superheroes? You couldn't beat Batman who has no superpowers so you decide to go against the one that has arguably the greatest super power of all? You really are a delusional megalomaniac!

The backup story is about Wally West playing dodge ball but I stopped reading it when it was revealed the fat kid's nickname was Chunk. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen.

I lied! I kept reading it! But then I stopped when it was revealed the red headed kid is a mean bully. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

Okay, I lied again! The story is about Wally West meeting a future dead version of himself who time traveled to explain the changes Wally's body has been going through. Do I even need to say it a third time? Yes, yes I do! Simply because it feels good! Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

I probably shouldn't be writing such mean things to my theoretical best friend Van Jensen (according to Facebook in which we share one friend in common!) but The Flash really has been terrible with all of this time travel stuff. Van Jensen is at least acknowledging that it's a bunch of bullshit when he has time traveling Wally West say, "Time travel, dude. Don't even get me started." It's possible all of this time travel crap was editorially mandated because Brian Cunningham has a sexual fetish for horribly contrived time travel stories. Also he might just find the time travel stuff the most fascinating thing about The Flash. It's actually the worst thing. Even DC themselves tried to stop all of that bullshit with Flashpoint and The New 52 and putting a moratorium on time travel. But that didn't last because horrible writers decided it was still okay to have people time travel from different non-Flashpoint timelines into the Flashpoint timeline. Those horrible writers were Fabian Nicieza, Scott Lobdell, and Tom DeFalco. Also possibly others.

The Flash #46

I'd rather not upset Brett Booth's mother so I'll refrain from criticizing this cover.

The Flash has been a train slowly wrecking for over a year now. It's all of this horribly written time travel crap. I don't want to read time travel stories where a character from the future heads into the comic book's present to ensure that the future which the reader doesn't fucking care about comes true. Next! Unless the next is somebody from the future (or past?) time traveling to the present to ruin the reputation of a character in the present because why the fuck does that person care? Stop bothering with shit in the past and live in the present, you obsessive nutjobs. How about letting The Flash deal with problems that matter to the him and Central City and the people populating his world? And while Venditti and Jensen come up with some of those ideas, how about shopping around for a new artist?

Last issue, some bad guys set up a bomb which only activated when The Flash used his powers. Now, it's not like they secretly set up a bomb and made it look like The Flash installed it and set it off himself and left an insane manifesto behind proclaiming how Central City deserves to die for not worshiping him as much as they should. No! They made it obvious that they were the culprits behind the bomb and The Flash was honest about how the bomb triggered due to his powers. The Flash then managed to save everybody before the bomb went off and everybody cheered and proclaimed him a hero as he was free to pursue the real villains behind the bombing!

Ha ha! Just kidding!

Captain Frye tries to arrest The Flash because sometimes bad things happen to good heroes. Or is it all the times bad things happen to good heroes? I think that's more accurate! The Flash should have known better than to use his powers to stop the bad guys! Now a police station has been blown to bits and nobody was hurt because The Flash used his powers to save them all. But somebody has to be arrested without any evidence! So why not the guy in costume? I'm sure the district attorney would totally approve of just slapping the cuffs on anybody the police think was behind the explosion because the gut instincts and hurt feelings of police captains are always the best evidence to use in trials! And nobody should worry about The Flash suing the city for tramping all over his civil rights because he's a good guy and he wouldn't do that! I mean, he's a good guy in that context but in most other contexts he's--according to Captain Frye's damaged pride--obviously the bad guy.

The Flash isn't quick enough to stop Captain Frye from putting handcuffs on him so he has to vibrate out of them. I'm not sure Barry Allen knows how to use his powers. He then runs around stealing all of the police guns and throwing them all over the street! But that's probably safe because he pulled the clips out of them first. And I'm sure none of the guns had a bullet already chambered or anything, right?

Well until there is a law against people moving too fast, deal with it, asshole! And maybe stop asking your officers to point loaded weapons at anybody you have a beef with.

Zoom arrives on the scene because I guess he wasn't sure his plan was working. I mean, it seemed like the cops were hating Flash just the right amount. And Iris was about to rush off to report on how dangerous The Flash is to the city. But how could Zoom trust that to work when he's from a future where none of those things ever happened? Maybe it would be better if he just showed up on the scene to make it obvious that The Flash isn't the bad guy in this situation! Although maybe if Zoom spouts crazy bullshit like how Barry needs a scapegoat for his sins, the cops will be reconvinced that The Flash is the bad guy after all and this awful person who just appeared with a whole gang of henchmen (some of them the ones obviously responsible for the bomb) makes a good point!

The Flash runs off telling Zoom that he'll have to catch him because running a race is the most exciting event in any speedster comic book! Zoom's henchmen are confused though because they don't have Magali with them. She's the teammate who can make them look younger which would be a big help in the battle somehow. Maybe for the celebratory photos after the battle is won? Magali is currently with Barry's dad. They're off waiting until they get a moment to help ruin Zoom's plans at the end of the story.

I was going to mention how The Flash's arm miraculously healed without having to be set but I was too busy trying to decide if I should burn or shred this comic when I was done reading it.

Zoom finally decides the time has come for his plan to come to fruition. I guess he was less concerned about ruining The Flash's reputation once John Allen developed the glove that would enable him to steal The Flash's powers. In the confrontation, Zoom explains why he's more powerful than Barry.

So let me get this straight...Zoom is better than Barry even though time and distance are both necessary variables in the equation to determine speed?

I think Zoom is more powerful than Barry because Zoom has even longer legs than Barry has and Barry's are already freakishly out of proportion.

Just as Zoom begins stealing Flash's power with the glove, Henry Allen and Magali arrive to stop Zoom's plan. Just like the plans have always been stopped every time Zoom tried to manipulate time to steal Flash's powers! Obviously! Or else why would he still be trying to take them?!

How is it over? Just because Henry Allen's giant misshapen head says it is?

Now that Magali has turned against Zoom, she has the knowledge that he set all of his henchmen up so that they'd become loyal to him. I'm sure he told her all of that in his big "I'm the evil villain!" speech he must have been unable to stop himself from spouting when he thought he was killing her. I can't be bothered to remember if that's how it happened but I'll just trust the story and assume my brain rejected saving space for most of what it's read in The Flash.

The rest of Zoom's henchmen turn against him immediately because nobody in comic books ever need any kind of proof to bolster any statement. They just believe whatever was most recently told to them. Zoom must not know that rule about comic books because instead of saying that Magali was lying and that she turned against him, he simply admits that she's telling the truth. Well, that helps sidestep the issue of why would any of these characters believe Magali! Although Block is still underwater so she wouldn't have heard any of this and should still be on Zoom's side, right?!

Well, kind of right! The Flash rushes off to get her because her skin will break Zoom's glove. And even though she has no reason to believe that The Flash is anything but the jerk Zoom said he was, she seems to buy into Barry's scenario that she's needed to help save her friends from Zoom. Why not? It's the most recent thing she's been told! Although she doesn't really need to believe anything since The Flash just shoves her into The Folding Man who uses her to block Zoom's glove and break its needles.

Now Zoom tries the "most recent thing said is believed" trick! Too bad it doesn't work once the bad guy admits to his bad guy plan! Plus, who can take a guy seriously when he's got legs that long?

Zoom's henchmen flee to heal up for a later battle that I hope never actually happens. And then Zoom tells Henry Allen that The Flash is Barry and they run off to battle in front of the Allen family home. And then this comic book ends without ending this stupid fucking story line which means next month I'm going to be extremely displeased with this comic book yet again.

The Flash #46 Rating: -2 Ranking. Everything about The Flash is fast except for this stupid fucking story arc. Here's another one-line review: This story is even longer than the legs on a Brett Booth character! I might be able to come up with a few more but my brain is rapidly rejecting everything I just read and I only have time left to type this last thought: oh shit there it went. Oh well. Don't read The Flash. I seem to remember thinking it was terrible.

The Flash #45

Is Zoom supposed to be giant on this cover or is this just Brett Booth's inability to draw perspective correctly?

Last issue ended with Professor Zoom's underlings setting up a shield around the Central City Police Station. When The Flash tried to vibrate through it at superspeed, he set off a bomb that is threatening to kill lots and lots of people. Obviously that means that stupid people will claim that The Flash is responsible for any deaths caused as opposed to the jerks who created the bomb.

Captain Frye with an appropriate response.

How did Captain Frye's arm come out of his trench coat's sleeve? Did he draw his gun that fast? I don't think that makes any sense either. Anyway, it's obvious that The Flash is to blame and should be shot.

So this is Professor Zoom's plot to make everybody hate The Flash? Set up a bomb which only blows up if The Flash uses his super powers? I know the DC Youniverse is filled with idiots and xenophobes but even they can't actually turn on The Flash because of this nonsense, right?! Although I suppose once Iris West publishes her anti-Flash spin on the situation, The Flash's reputation will be ruined forever.

"Just let me pull these manacles out of my rib cage!"

Wally West approaches Captain Frye and tells him he has an idea to get them outside the frozen oxygen super dome. But Captain Frye is all, "You're just a boy! There's no possible way you know something the rest of the adults don't know! What do you think this is, a comic book?!" Captain Frye shoos Wally West inside and Wally stops trying to get his point across because it's only three pages into the comic book which is too soon to solve the problem.

Outside of the dome, Iris's photographer is getting great pictures of The Flash shooting lightning out of his body. It'll go perfectly with Iris's article about how The Flash almost got her nephew killed and how he's a hazard to Central City! Ha ha ha ha! Professor Zoom's plan is really coming together nicely!

Wally talks to the mechanic Tim who taught him all about those engines that burn super hot last issue. And then the mechanic dies. I think. He might also have just orgasmed and fallen asleep. Whatever happened, Wally didn't witness it because he ran off to save the day by himself because nobody will listen to him.

Wally ties the magnesium engine to the front of a riot van, sets it on fire, and drives straight toward the oxygen wall! Oh noes! It's going to cause a massive explosion!

Whut? Why? When?

Luckily The Flash removes Wally from the van before the entire dome explodes all over his stupid face. Wally has bricks tied to both feet because he's an idiot. If the brick was there to make him taller so he can reach the pedals or if it was there to allow him to press the gas harder, he still only needed to tie one to his right foot. Although since he only needed to drive forward about thirty feet, he could have just not taken the time to tie bricks to his feet and just slid down the seat some? Maybe the bricks will be important later when he realizes he has super speed and they...do something?

Anyway, Wally's trick works! A hole is burned into the shell and now everybody can escape and The Flash can remain a hero!

Stop saving everybody your way, Flash! Respect Captain Frye's authority!

The Flash saves everybody just before the bomb blows up and destroys the Central City Police Department. Then Hartley and Singh kiss. It's totally gross! A cop kissing an ex-super villain?! Pee-yuke!

Captain Frye decides that The Flash is a monster because he saved everybody's lives and was framed by a bunch of terrorists. It totally makes sense and doesn't seem stupidly contrived at all! I mean, what do I expect?! I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to read a comic book! Some characters are going to appear in the story simply to have an irrational hatred for the super heroes! It's a tradition as old as J. Jonah Jameson's hatred of Spider-man! Maybe even older!

Well if random, idiotic eye witnesses said it, it must be true! Journalism!

Professor Zoom has had Henry Allen create a glove that drains speed powers from other speedsters and transfers them to the wearer. But it's too bad he had to explain the whole thing out loud because Yu-Gi-Oh Magali, his henchman that can change the age of things, walks in and hears his plan! She already proved that she was doubting him earlier so now it seems she'll be switching sides! If she can get away, of course! It's not like she can run very fast.

She doesn't get away. Instead, Zoom just steals her powers! And then he declares he's going to steal all of the powers! And then he's going to become a god! And then he's going to...well, I don't know what his ultimate goal is. I guess just to be super powerful so he can prove to his dad that he isn't worthless.

The Flash #45 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic book is really dumb and the art is terrible. It's possible that people that just like stupid comic books would like this comic book. I may have liked it one time when I was younger and it was an alternate timeline where I was a lot dumber. But that isn't the case here. Hopefully it will be better when Venditti and Jensen just knock it the fuck off with all the time travel shenanigans.

The Flash #44

Yay Ambush Bug!

I haven't been reading many comic books this weekend because I've been hanging out with Jim Doom from Doomkopf.com this weekend. He came to town to see The Prids' twentieth anniversary show which was Saturday night and probably not nerdy enough to talk about on this blog. I don't think any of their songs were about Wonder Woman or The New Gods but since I couldn't really hear the lyrics, I might be wrong. Usually when I mention things I've done in my life (not that there's much to mention besides the cookies I've eaten or the number of times I've masturbated), they don't actually have anything to do with the comic book I'm about to read. But since Van Jensen used to write for Doomkopf.com under the name "Jean Claude Van Doom," profit! I often begin sentences in ways that I probably shouldn't and wind up realizing I don't actually have anything left to say in the subordinate clause. If my editor hadn't decided to leave me because she can't take the joke where I scream at her that she's fired for trying to improve my writing, maybe I'd actually have somebody to tell me that it's better to reorganize my sentence than to write another couple of sentences explaining why the previous sentence was written so poorly. And I can't blame my writing assistant Pickle Boy since he quit to go work in a sandwich shop.

It would actually be better if the above wasn't true because I don't like talking about how much I hate a comic book plot when I'm practically best friends with the writer of that comic. I guess I could blame all of the time travel nonsense on Robert Venditti. He can take it because I'm practically sucking his cock over in my current reviews of Green Lantern where Hal Jordan is a sexy rebel space motorcyclist who is constantly space rebelling against any space thing you've got. Maybe "sucking his cock" is a bit hyperbolic. Although if I ever run into you at a convention sometime, Robert, wink!

This issue begins with The Flash drowning at the bottom of Loch Ness. My favorite bit about it is how Brett Booth catches the intense pain and crushing fear of drowning in one image.

That was a joke. He catches neither of those things. The octopus does add a certain amount of dignity to the proceedings. No wait. I just checked my dictionary and "dignity" was the wrong word.

Professor Zoom narrates as The Flash saves himself from drowning. It's the typical villain speech about how he wants to kill the hero but first he wants to humiliate him and his entire family and every generation of his entire family and then maybe stop by Popeyes for a quick lunch after which he'll get in some more humiliation. Eventually, after humiliating The Flash no longer does it for Professor Zoom's penis, it will be time to kill The Flash. But as everybody except the guy who can time travel knows, that'll be the one time Professor Zoom won't be able to kill The Flash. Super villains are fucking idiots. You never kill tomorrow a hero whom you can kill today!

Although I guess if you can time travel, you can kill yesterday a hero whom you didn't kill today.

Where did Brett Booth learn to art? I'm having a hard time believing he was actually able to draw that pirate or turtle to get into an art instruction school. I guess nobody ever asked, "Can you draw a man's torso and legs in the proper proportions?! If so then you can be an artist! If not, you can draw comic books!"

Professor Zoom wants to humiliate and discredit The Flash so that The Flash won't become a martyr. That makes sense! That's what the Anti-Monitor did wrong during Crisis on Infinite Earths! He killed Barry before making sure the authorities found all of that child porn on his laptop. Although it was more Supergirl who became the corpse everybody rallied behind in Crisis. I'm not sure anybody even really knew Barry was dead until he wasn't returning their calls after the Crisis was over.

Meanwhile Singh decides to get into a fight with Hartley about keeping their relationship in the closet. It's totally unbelievable because David starts the fight just as Hartley is pulling out a tray of freshly baked cookies. You can't actually get into a fight with the smell of fresh cookies in the air. It's physically impossible. But Singh thinks he can't be a cop in Central City if people know he's gay. Please! Of course he can be a gay cop! He'll just have to endure a lot of not very funny doing it in the butt jokes from all the dumb heteros he works with. And let's face it, he probably hears those on a near constant basis anyway! Guys are not creative when it comes to ribbing each other. It's usually just a lot of pointing out how often the other guy enjoys doing gay things. I think about 35% of it is just being juvenile, 10% is actual homophobia, and the other 55% are soft offers gauging how gay the temperature might be in the room so they know if a little after work dick sucking might ensue.

Oh! He just wants to keep The Pied Piper in the closet! I bet it's not because he's dating an ex-super villain. It's more that he's dating an ex-super villain that used to call himself The Pied Piper. Who was also gay. Inappropriate jokes in the workplace ahoy!

That reporter Iris West is more trouble than she's worth! Doesn't she respect anybody's privacy?

Now it's time for some Wally West action! He's no longer a miscreant abandoned by his parents. Now he's a fun-loving kid who obeys the law who was abandoned by his parents! It's a good thing Barry taught him how to be white!

Oh shut up, you little bastard! The two aren't mutually exclusive! Although if thirteen year old me had had this attitude, I wouldn't be subjecting myself to rereading Marv Wolfman's The New Teen Titans.

Wally gets to take time out of school to work on cars in the Central City Police Department because Wally is an engineering prodigy. Of course he is! He's in a comic book, isn't he? He's got to be the absolutely greatest at something! He's such a good kid now! I'm glad Barry worked all the rebelliousness out of him by taking him to that baseball game that one time.

Professor Zoom's henchmen arrive at the Central City Police Station to call out The Flash. When Barry sprints from the room to go meet them outside, Director Singh finally notices the bunch of papers flying everywhere signifying a speedster just left the room. Hopefully he'll figure out Barry is The Flash so he can point out to Barry how obvious it is every time Barry super speeds out of a room.

The Flash's first move is to say a bunch of inane comic book crap. His second move is to punch Block in the face.

His third move is to get his right arm set before his super healing kicks in and he's left with a mangled, useless limb.

Professor Zoom has some kind of machine that uses The Flash's own speed energy to blow up the Central City Police Department. I guess it also gives Wally West his powers. The other part of the plan is to explain to Iris West how The Flash is to blame for this destruction so that she can do no other research than accepting the story from the one person who delivers it and then print that story. How else is anybody going to know The Flash is to blame for killing all of the police in Central City? Anybody seeing what happened would just assume The Flash failed to stop some super villain terrorist's bomb!

The Flash #44 Rating: No change. I don't know why I'm currently buying issues of The Flash. I really should just wait out this idiotic Professor Zoom time travel story. Although judging by the last few Flash story arcs, I don't really have any reason to believe the next story arc won't also have to do with time travel and be idiotic as well. At least if I stopped reading this comic book, I wouldn't have to look at Brett Booth's misshapen people with overly long legs and derpy faces.

The Flash #43

It's been about three years since The Flash actually helped anybody with his super powers. Lately he's just been defending himself against himself and against Professor Zoom and against old friends who now hate his guts. He's been busy dealing with a relationship with a woman he never really loved who stopped loving him because she couldn't stand to look at him because he looked exactly like the person who betrayed her. That person was Barry from the future, so it makes sense. He can't even do anything right with the Justice League since he's the one who barfed up Grail who then summoned the Anti-Monitor to Earth. Good job, Pukey!

This issue continues the story of Professor Zoom's Ultimate Failure to defeat the Flash. I call it his "ultimate failure" because Professor Zoom can time travel. That means he's probably tried to defeat The Flash an infinite number of times already. And why would readers be interested in any of those failures if Professor Zoom can time travel and try it again? The only encounter we want to read about is the one that sticks! Which must be this one because we're reading about it. Logic! Oh, and also because The Flash can't actually lose, we understand that Professor Zoom is going to fuck up so badly that he'll lose the ability to time travel by the end of this story. It's the only thing that makes sense or else what would be keeping him from trying this attack just one more time?

Barry is still hunting down his father who escaped prison because he realized Thawne was after his son. Harry and Thawne know each other for some reason that probably has something to do with Barry's mother's death and I'm really boring myself talking about the past. When can Barry Allen move past his past and begin to deal with his future? At least acknowledge the present, asshole! And stop looking like a Rob Liefeld penciled image inked by Marat Mychaels! It's fucking disturbing.

Henry and his gang find an old warehouse where they're supposed to meet up with Girder. Instead, they meet up with a new player in this story.

Who's this white haired old guy?!

What?! No way. Let me get a closer look at this guy.

No! Bullshit. That's not Barry.

It turns out it's Barry. He's come to speak with his dad to find out why he broke out of prison. Maybe his dad will finally be honest with his son about his mother's death and Eobard's involvement. But probably not. Comic books don't work that way. There probably won't be enough time to explain.

Barry tells his dad that he should go back to jail and wait to be released the legal way after he's been exonerated for the murder of his wife. Barry's kind of glossing over how, even if Henry is ultimately innocent, he still broke out of prison and he still murdered a security guard. Those things might hamper Barry's plans to earn Henry an early release. Henry tells Barry to just leave him be so he can do the mystery thing he broke out of prison to do. Barry isn't even curious about what those plans might be. I guess Barry is just stupid enough to believe Henry is simply trying to escape. And Barry decides to let him. He runs off to...well, I have no idea what he's going to do now. Somehow prove Henry didn't shoot that security guard even though Henry admitted that he was holding the gun and it "just went off"?

Barry mentions that he saw a guy near their old house who could "run as fast as The Flash." Henry's advice if Barry should ever encounter this guy again? "Run away!" Idiot! Barry just said the guy is super fast! How do you expect your son who is a totally ordinary person, as far as you know, to run away from him?!

The next day, Barry makes time for Wally and a speed pun. I still don't know who Wally's parents are. I thought Daniel was his father but he's apparently his uncle. And I thought Wally's mother was black but isn't Iris also black? What is going on?! I bet it's because of all this Goddamned time travel!

Maybe Iris is white. Comic book colorists must have the most confusing job in the world. I bet it's stressful too! They make one coloring mistake on some character's skin and DC Comics gets the shit boycotted out of them. Heck, the colorists don't even have to make a mistake and people flip the fuck out. Remember when the shit hit the fan about Onyx being white? I'm pretty sure that was just a side effect of Andrea Sorrentino's palette and color choices. You really couldn't tell what the skin color of anybody was in Andrea Sorrentino's I, Vampire or Green Arrow work! Although I'm fairly certain most of the people were supposed to be pasty white since they were either vampires or from Seattle.

The Flash hears about a hostage situation where the kidnappers will only speak to The Flash. Damn. I thought, for three seconds, that maybe The Flash was actually going to help out some innocent folks.

Wait. Why is he saying "unharmed?" like that. Is that supposed to be a mannequin? Or a corpse?

The people kidnapping mannequins are Henry Allen and the other two escaped convicts. See, Henry doesn't know The Flash is Barry. But he needs The Flash to help save his son. So now maybe he'll explain to The Flash what he's been unable to explain to his kid because people in comic books suck at communicating with the people they love. And, really, pretty much everybody else too. Henry tells The Flash that Eobard killed Nora and that The Flash needs to capture or kill Eobard. I bet Barry now hates his dad for keeping this secret from him! That's perfectly good Arrow drama right there!

After Henry is done speaking with The Flash, Captain Frye takes Henry and the other two guys into custody. They all head back to Iron Heights where I'm sure Henry's pals who helped him escape probably won't decide to shiv him during a basketball game for getting more years added to their sentences when he never actually intended to help them escape prison for good. Although I guess they'll never get the chance since Thawne and his Speed Force Freaks intercept the prison van so they can kidnap Henry. The Flash is still nearby so he tries to stop them but The Folding Man takes Barry and deposits him at the bottom of Loch Ness. It must be Loch Ness because there's a Plesiosaur nearby and Loch Ness is the only place on Earth where they still live. Um, I mean, allegedly! I guess Barry will drown next issue.

The Flash #43 Rating: No change. I remember when I wasn't as disturbed by Brett Booth's art as I completely am now. I began to wonder, "What's wrong with me? How did I not realize how bad he is at arting?" And then it occurred to me! Before, he was drawing The Teen Titans! I was so busy hating on Scott Lobdell that I barely even noticed the art! He was getting a free pass all that time because my intense hatred burned only for Scott Lobdell's scripts! And while I'm not exactly ecstatic about the direction The Flash has taken with all of this nonsensical time travel, it hasn't really been written poorly. It's just a competently written terrible plot which is why I now notice that every character's legs are way too fucking long for their bodies. There was a time when I think I even thought his "cartoony" art wasn't so bad. I'd love to blame that time on the artist who inked his work but that always seems to be Norm Rapmund, so it's not like that was any different. Anyway, I'm just sort of waiting until The Flash gets back on track and Venditti and Jensen stop with all of the ridiculous time travel shit. I love well conceived time travel stories and these past Flash issues have not been those.

The Flash Annual #4

Yay! Aside from the cover, no Brett Booth art in this issue!

This annual must be about how Professor Zoom recruited these super villains to his crew so that they can appear seamlessly in the pages of the regular series.

The issue begins in 1520 in the Aztec Empire which was being properly transformed into a civilized and religious world by my great Spanish ancestors! An Aztec woman ages a bird with magic and some Spanish...um..."Liberators" (Conquistador sounds so harsh!) spy her horrible witchcraft! They say, "Usted ve con sus propios ojos. Ella es una bruja! Ella debe morir!!" I don't know Spanish very well but since I'm half-Spanish and was often called "mal niño" by my Grandmother, I think I'm pretty good at translating the language. Translated, the Spanish hero is saying, "Y'all saw that with your proprietary eyes, right?! She's an illusionist! She has to die!!" And she's all, "Ooh! How do you dye your clothing black?! I'll teach you how to dye clothing purple if you show me the trick to getting it black?!" And they're all, "Oh! Fancy!" But then Professor Zoom kidnaps her and the good Spanish lads are left disappointed.

But before Professor Zoom kidnaps her (which I assume he's going to do because he travels through time and why else would the story begin in 1520?!), the Spaniards have more Spanish wisdom for me to translate!

"She is either dangerous or a gross dog! Prepare your weapons!" "Hope!" "What do you want, old fart?" "Pardon me. I only wish to speak with her, playful squidman." "Very well. Dog ten cities."

This woman, Magali, makes Eobard Thawne young in exchange for his protection which he provides by killing the heroic Spanish Liberators. Magali offers her services to Eobard in his hunt to save the world from The Flash. But first they must collect more people throughout time who have been touched by the Speed Force. This should be boring or exciting!

Eobard's next stop is in Southern Africa in 1883. I am not part African or Dutch or whatever nation the heroic and not racist at all according to most text books Liberators were, so my translations skills will not be useful for this section of the comic book. Sorry!

Wow, these liberators are kind of dicks! But they speak English, so they must be the good guys. How dare that worker, probably compensated well for his time and hard work, try to steal from the company!

The thief is the Folded Man and he's stealing the diamonds to stick into his own mine. I guess he'll dig them up later and show them to the white guys and say, "Hey! Look what I found in the mine on my land which you didn't kick me off of and won't kick me off of now because it's just business, right guys?!" And they'll all clap him on the back and say, "How lucky you are! Here! Have a great fat cigar on us! Welcome to the rich man's club!" But before that plan can come together, Eobard and Magali show up to recruit him for their time travelling circus.

The white European people (who are being made out to be the bad guys for some reason!) seem to be responsible for burning the Folded Man's village and killing everybody within it. The Folded Man offers to join Eobard in exchange for getting revenge against the Europeans who just made a simple mistake, probably. I'm sure there's a rational explanation fro why the village burned. But Eobard the white guy convinces him that they can get revenge against all white people across all time if he joins the team. So he joins and they all time travel to find the next indigenous person that has a beef with the Europeans.

1957. Australia. A Maori woman is working in a circus sideshow and not being exploited at all. She is an immovable object unless you call her a Maori witch and then she'll move all over your stupid face. I suppose that means she somehow manipulates time so that she can lock her body into a moment. If there's no time, there's no movement! I think. That sounds about right.

Speaking of Maoris, I saw Jemaine Clement's What We Do In The Shadows last night. All I have to say is "Superb." Not only are all the actors who play vampires geniuses in their roles, Rhys Darby makes a serious attempt at stealing the entire movie as the Alpha Werewolf of a group of "werewolves not swearwolves" encountered by the vampires. I'm fairly certain I can say this is not only the best vampire movie ever made but the best vampire movie that will ever be made. I love Jemaine Clement's under-delivered performances. They really make the scene where the young vampire eats a chip. The delivery of his warning not to eat the chip is genius compared to the consequences of eating the chip. Fucking magical.

Once The Human Block is rescued from the circus, Eobard explains everybody's powers even though most readers probably have them all figured out by now.

I was close enough about The Human Block's powers.

According to the cover, Eobard still has two more people to rescue! The next one he takes from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, in 1982. So is Eobard actively only recruiting indigenous people who have been granted Speed Force power so he can point at white Barry Allen and say, "There he is! Another white man trying to take what's yours!" He's treating these recruits like trained dogs! Who's the real racist here?

Don't say I am! Jerks!

The scene in Oklahoma plays out like something from X-men or the Inhumans. A kid with super powers has been shuttled off from one boy's home to another. But Professor Xavier Thawne is there to help! "You aren't a freak. You're special. You have unique powers. You have a family. Blah blah blah." Hugs all around. Another member recruited. Next!

Maybe don't spin then?

The fifth person on the cover is Hairy Potter, aka Selkirk. So I guess the band is complete. Time to rock The Flash's world!

But the police hate him! And everybody warns to get out of his way when he's around! He's unloved and unappreciated! I'm pretty sure now is the perfect time to kill him!

Does the Speed Force allow people to learn new languages quickly too?

Eobard Thawne reveals his face to the others when Magali questions how Professor Zoom knows so much about The Flash. But since Brett Booth isn't drawing the face that is revealed, I have no idea if I'm supposed to gasp at the revelation. Is it Bong Dazo's version of Henry Allen? Maybe! Or it could be Captain Frye! It's also possible it's Bruce Wayne! Shouldn't there be an editorial box telling me who it is I'm supposed to recognize?!

The last few pages show how Thawne manipulated events in each of his crew member's lives so they would wind up at a place where they would feel obligated to help him. It's a real shocker to find out Eobard Thawne isn't the caring guy he was making himself out to be!

The Flash Annual #4 Rating: I don't rate annuals. But The Flash probably wishes that I did because this was much, much better than the ongoing title. I'm absolutely not a fan of the Eobard Thawne using time travel to set up events to bring down The Flash because it's not going to work even though it should work because time travel! Keep doing it until you get it right or you break reality! But don't just lose! Losing is for people who can't time travel! I wonder how much more I liked this issue simply because I didn't have to look at Brett Booth's goofy art and screwy panel layouts?

The Flash #42

When The Flash catches a bullet, where does all the excess energy go?! Oh right. "The Speed Force." Never mind.

Apparently you can't have philosophical discussions about The Flash's power because of the addition of the enigmatic speed force to his abilities. The Speed Force explains away anything that doesn't make sense. And the idea that the Speed Force can be turned off and on so Barry can live in a normal speed world without going absolutely mental explains everything else. I would think playing with all of these grand ideas about physics and time and velocity and space would be the most interesting things about writing a Flash story but in reality they just get in the way when you want to have The Flash say something funny at superspeed and have everybody around him laugh at what he said instead of going, "What is that weird buzzing sound?!"

I just bought tickets to the Alice Cooper concert here in Portland in December and holy fuck concerts have gotten expensive! I remember when you had to line up at a Ticketmaster location in the hopes of the best seat you could get for exactly the same twenty buck ticket as the chumps who got the shittiest seats. Now you pay according to where you sit? We need another punk rock to kick pop culture in the teeth. Also playing is Mötley Crüe but fuck them. If I were a member of Mötley Crüe, I'd do a concert where I play covers of all the other hair metal bands of the eighties instead of our own garbage we wrote. And not the good shit from the era! No, I'm talking "Cherry Pie" and "More Than Words" and "Carrie" and "Love Bites."

I wanted to jog my memory of bands from the eighties so that my brain would go, "Holy shit, remember that song by them!", so I asked Lord Google to tell me who were the worst hair bands of the eighties. Lord Google decided that the top article would be by probable literal idiot (so I probably shouldn't be making fun of him, right? he can't help it if he doesn't understand anything) Corey Deiterman of the Village Voice. His article listed "The 10 Worst Metal Bands of the 80s." I'll let him slide on calling the bands in his list "metal" because in the eighties, we thought an awful lot of music was hardcore. If you look back now, you'd realize that Prog Rock groups had more edge than most "heavy metal" bands of the time. But that's because prog rock groups were actually interested in music and most "heavy metal" bands (now more properly referred to as "hair bands") were just into getting laid. Anyway, this Corey guy's list merely reveals that Corey most likely didn't live through the eighties and is more than likely just naming ten bands that had one song which he remembered hearing and thought was stupid. And I'm not just saying this because I disagree with his list. I think he got a few right. But he put Def Leppard on the list, for God's sake. And while I hate just about everything from Def Leppard after their drummer lost his arm, they are in no way one of the ten worst hair bands of the eighties. If Def Leppard made a worst bands of the eighties list, there should be at least fifty to sixty more bands on it. And then it would basically just list the eighties as an awful time for rock and roll. Also nobody could sincerely argue with that list. He also has Tesla at #10 which makes me think he never actually listened to a Tesla album and only knows them for whatever song that was that they had a video for. I can't even fucking remember and I really liked Tesla! I saw them with Mötley Crüe back in 1989. That was another concert I went to where I didn't give a fuck about Mötley Crüe!

The bands on his list I agree with are Winger and Warrant and maybe WASP. Poison and Twisted Sister are on the list but they had strong presence and were pretty fucking entertaining. I never gave Stryper a chance so I have no idea how they compare to other bands of the time. Corey puts them on the list because they dressed in black and yellow. I suppose after that spectacular bit of hard hitting journalism, I should realize that Corey doesn't even fucking care about the real merits of his list. This is just another one of those lists by people who have decided they're writers and are writing the easiest fucking thing they can on the internet: a list that doesn't matter just so they can make jokes that aren't funny (like calling Stryper "bumblebees"). This is also the kind of list that's sure to get people talking although this was from two years ago and only has two comments on it. One from a WASP fan who has no room to speak because he's a WASP fan, and the other from somebody who was so boring I don't even remember what they said at this point. But now I'm talking about it! And if I'm talking about something, it must suck!

One last thing about that and I'll get to The Flash: Corey has Anthrax on the list. ANTHRAX!? The only part of the list he got right was putting Anthrax on a list of metal bands. But worst? Please. He's basing the entire "worst" part on the fact they released a jokey punk rap song.

One last, last thing about the list: the guy puts a band I don't remember on the list at #2 for being "too proficient." I rest my case!

Somebody put a stop to Brett Booth. There is no reason for this kind of stupid panel layout. Two people are just speaking! It adds nothing! Also, you are not Kenneth Rocafort! Knock it off, Brett!

Even though Director Singh and Captain Frye don't want Barry around to investigate the scene of his dad's prison escape, they somehow don't mention it to any of the guards at any of the entrances to any of the secure locations from the front gate of the prison to the entry into the cell block. Instead Captain Frye is on the scene to stop Barry at the cell door which he does a horrible job of anyway. This allows Barry to run around the cell at superspeed on his too long legs which are now also too thick (see picture below) and investigate anyway.

It's taken me far too long to come to this conclusion but I think Brett Booth is DC's current Rob Liefeld. He even has the horrible grimaces down pat (not shown here!).

Iris meets Barry in the prison because they have a revolving door policy for anybody with a badge that doesn't look like it was made in Microsoft Paint. She gets to inform Barry that the comic book is now even closer to just reworking the scripts from the television show because she's now on The Flash Beat at her paper. She informs him that DC Comics has really been sucking at handling super heroes lately.

Haven't you heard, Barry? Super heroes are evil rotten jerks and nobody likes them! Ptui!

Boo fucking hoo, Barry. Nobody likes you. Although that's no surprise when you're drawn by Brett Booth. I can barely stand to look at you and your freakishly long (and now thick!) legs.

I don't even know why I'm reading most of DC's super hero comic books anymore! What happened to super heroes being beacons of hope and shining examples of triumph over the worst of humanity's evils?! Why the fuck do I care about a world that hates heroes who are trying to help keep the world safe?! Here's an idea! How about writers forget about how the lazy writers turn heroes into magnets for trouble because they don't know how to write a villain with any motivation except to get revenge against the hero? Just shove those garbage fucking stories out of your mind and stop trying to write the reaction of that world where heroes are the cause of all the trouble? Knock it the fuck off and write some super heroes I can rally behind and cheer for! Enough with the heroes trying to do good and then pouting their fucking faces off because nobody fucking appreciates them anymore. When I want to read about an emo super hero, I'll ask Robert Smith to write a comic book.

One...two...three...four...okay! I'm calm again!

So Iris tells Barry that she had to lie to Wally about where she was because he's so freaked out about his Uncle Daniel being incarcerated in Iron Heights. Now wait a second. Who the fuck are Wally's parents?! Iris is his aunt, right? So that means Iris and Daniel have another sibling? I thought they were the only two kids? Although that's only based on the flashback stories where Daniel was trying to go back in time to kill his dad. It's not like I've done any genealogical research on the West family.

Anyway, Iris mentions lying to Wally so she can say this, "That's how it goes with family...sometimes you have to compromise your morals to protect the ones you love." Oh fuck you. I suppose that was said to set up this theme of Barry's father compromising his morals to break out of prison to protect his son. But all she fucking did was tell Wally she was going out for pancakes or something instead of going to the prison for a news story. Holy shit! Somebody call the Pope! I've never seen morals compromised so fucking hard! I'd probably kill myself if I ever did something this horribly against my own set of ethics.

Meanwhile, more lazy writing and stupid story ideas (sorry Rob and Van! But I can't compromise my morals by holding my tongue when y'all obviously don't give a shit about your jobs) take place at the distribution center for Medi-Barn Supplies, Inc. That's where Barry's dad and his cellmates are currently stealing a bunch of shit to help stop Professor Zoom. But Professor Zoom is onto them! And he knows just how to stop them: pull the fire alarm!

This must be the stupidest security guard in Central City. Did the think he was going to stop a fire with his gun?

My school must have been doing fire drills wrong because I was never taught to run into a building when the fire alarm goes off. Maybe that's part of gun safety because I've never had gun safety either. Or perhaps it's all explained away by the incompetent security guard who is obviously incompetent because he stutters and he's fat and he's a security guard. Don't you dare say I'm being offensive and insensitive simply because I'm pointing out what the comic book creators are doing through their pictures and words!

Professor Zoom rushes in, puts a gun in Henry's hand, and forces Father Allen to pull the trigger before zipping out of the room. Forgive me if I'm wrong but at that speed, I'd think Henry's trigger finger would probably be crushed. It should at least be sore! Which would be a clue as to what happened! And remember from last issue how exciting clues are?! I'm already beginning to chub up!

Professor Zoom says a lot of shit in the nanosecond he forces Henry to murder the security guard. One of those things is that Henry used to work with Eobard Thawne. That's probably important to the story somehow.

I'm not even halfway through this issue and my brain hurts. The real problem for my brain is how I'm going to read the The Flash Annual immediately after this! Ha ha! Take that, stupid brain! That'll punish you for making me pop inappropriate boners throughout middle school!

Girder heads to his grandma's house after the disastrous robbery. But The Flash also thinks of Girder's grandmother so they have to destroy Girder's Nan's house in a big tussle. The tussle reveals that The Flash sucks at using his super powers because Girder smashes him through a wall. You'd think that with super speed, you'd be able to get out of the way of any attack that was coming at you at normal speed. Except I keep forgetting about that turning the Speed Force off and on thing so I guess it makes sense or whatever.

So if you're not going to believe a convict, don't ask him any fucking questions. Asshole.

The Flash doesn't get anything out of Girder so he goes to the prison guard who was in on the escape (which is probably where he should have gone first if he wasn't going to believe a convict). The guard helped them escape because Henry Allen promised to find a cure for the guard's wife's cancer. The Flash remembers how Iris told him about people compromising their morals to protect family and he lets the guard off the hook. But the guard has to help him find Henry Allen! He won't abide the guard not doing that!

On his way home, The Flash encounters Professor Zoom. But this time Eobard allows Barry to see and speak with him.

Oh, Barry Allen is angry? I never noticed that! Has that been a part of his character? Have I not been paying attention?! I thought he was the kind, boring guy who constantly had to talk Hal Jordan out of a fistfight!

The issue ends with The Flash finding himself in front of his childhood home where his mother was killed. Then it doesn't say that it's continued in the annual so I guess the annual will just be an addendum to this story in much the same way the Deathstroke annual was a crusty footnote to that story. But I guess I might as well read it now and get it out of the way!

The Flash #42 Rating: -2 Ranking. My biggest problem with this comic book is actually my own distorted suspension of disbelief. I'm all in on believing in super heroes! Sure, I'll point out egregious math errors and stupid science but I'm on board with super powers. So when The Flash can't defeat all crime all over the planet in just a few hours which he should totally be able to do (although the caloric intake he'd need to accomplish this might cause a larger world hunger problem), I get annoyed. The Flash has the one super power which should enable him to never lose any battle ever. I guess that's why he keeps fighting people faster than him now. And he has to deal with time travel. And he often battles psychic gorillas because "nothing is faster than the speed of thought!" Ha ha! I'm sure that dumb bullshit will be used many more times in comics with speed-based heroes. This issue mainly gets the -2 Ranking for that stupid security guard who thought he could put out a fire with a gun and yelling at it not to move. What an idiot! Oh, and also because of the art. Pee-yuke!

The Flash #41

Nope. Don't care. First season of the television show already told this story better.

The Flash story I would tell would be one that revolves around how his brain must process information at such a speed that he couldn't cope with the seemingly still world around him. A major issue with that life would be one of him simply dealing with the madness of being alone for what seems like eternities at a time. Even when he's speaking with somebody, he's doing it at such a slow speed compared to how his mind processes information, he wouldn't be able to connect to the other person. Could he even understand them? How difficult would it be to regulate his own vocal patterns to maintain a slow enough speed so that the other person could hear him? Just leaving the house and heading to work would take eons! The true irony of being the fastest man alive is that everything happens tremendously slowly. When he runs around the satellite cleaning up, he would not experience one or two seconds in the same way we experience those seconds. How could he? He couldn't function. Therefore he's living out the same amount of time that any normal person would have to spend on cleaning up the satellite. And he probably does it because it's boring as hell just waiting for Batman to finish his "--tt--" noise!

I'm pretty sure the reason this story doesn't exist is because A. The Speed Force, B. Comic books, and C. Fuck you and stop asking so many questions, ya runt.

But instead of stories that interest me (which would probably bore everybody else!), I'm reading various versions of shoddily thrown-together time travel stories. Yippee. That "yippee" was sarcastic. You can tell by the period.

The issue begins with Professor Zoom groping and molesting The Flash as The Flash runs at super speeds. But from Professor Zoom's perspective, The Flash is practically a statue! Oh my goodness, oh my goodness! Being at such an advantage, Professor Zoom kills The Flash and the comic book is over.

The Flash #41 Rating: -6 Ranking because the book didn't actually end there. No, instead Professor Zoom declares that he will destroy The Flash and everything The Flash holds dear. Well why couldn't he start with The Flash? He had him dead to rights right there between 2:42:35:15:29 PM and 2:42:36:15:30 PM! Are those times accurate? How many seconds places does an atomic clock have? I would ask Lord Google but I like it better when somebody sends me a message telling me how stupid I am and how smart they are because they were able to use Lord Google while pretending that they didn't ask him at all. That's my favorite kind of entertainment.

But that was just the introduction to the comic book and it took place in the "SOON" of the DCyou. So let's go back to the "NOW" of the DCyou and watch as Barry Allen gets out of the shower. Mmm, yeah. Look at those extra, extra, super duper extra long legs! Brett Booth sure knows how to deform a body in all the right ways!

Actually, you never get to see any more man-meat than usual on Barry because he wraps himself in the bathroom's floor mat. Or a wolfskin towel?

That's supposed to be a rat.

The rat is named Moon and it's a pet of the Pied Piper, Barry Allen's new roommate. I wonder if they have a gay lecherous landlord who doesn't like this set-up so Hartley has to pretend he's heterosexual. And the landlord stops by all the time and winds up accidentally eavesdropping on Harley and Barry in the kitchen.

Hartley: "Do you want to lick the batter?"
Barry: "Straight out of your butt?"

Hmm. I think I was supposed to write something innocent that could have been taking out of context by a lecherous old man overhearing it from the other room.

Later, Barry heads over to Iron Heights so his dad can remind him how he doesn't want Barry to keep trying to get him out of Hotel Free Three Meals Per Day And The Occasional Handjob.

Barry looks as excited about finding a clue as I was about finding a woman that would let me put my penis inside of her. I mean, I imagine I'll look this excited.

The clue Barry received was the name "Thawne." Really? Was that name given to him in the context of Barry's mother's murder? I suppose so because I don't have the energy to dig up The Flash #40 and check. What I do know is that it was practically whispered only once to Barry by Future-Flash which means Barry probably wouldn't have any idea what Future-Flash even said. "Thong?! Sawn? What?!" Even if somebody told me the name Thawne and I knew they were giving me a name, I'd have no idea how to spell it and I'd probably have to ask them to repeat it at least once.

Barry's dad flips the fuck out when he hears the name. He asks Barry, "Where did you hear that name?" And Barry, instead of asking, "So you know the person? Where did you hear the name? Who is Thawne?", says, "I have my sources." Then Barry's dad tells Barry not to ever say the name again because I guess it summons Eobard from the future? Who is he, Candyjuice?

Barry's dad tells Barry to let it go because it's time for his midday handjob and he'd hate to miss one of the perks of his stay in prison. But Barry makes nearly the same "I found a clue" face and then slouches his way out on the longest legs I've ever seen.

I think somebody at DC needs to buy Brett Booth a T-Square because his panel layout is super fucked up. Has anybody mentioned to Brett that DC doesn't really need a second-rate Kenneth Rocafort. Mostly because Kenneth Rocafort is a second-rate Kenneth Rocafort.

I take it Double Down here is old Henry Allen's Prison Wife because I'm 99% certain they're about to kiss in this panel.

Henry goes back to his cell where he recruits the help of his cellmates (Girder, Black Mold, and Mogul) to help keep Barry safe from Professor Zoom. Handjobs for everyone!

Back at work, Barry tries to conceal his "I found a clue" boner from his colleagues but he can't hide it from Darryl. Darryl is a pro at spotting young men's boners! No wait. That's Singh. Anyway, Barry tells him the news that he got a clue and Darryl asks, "From who?" Barry is all, "Why does everybody keep asking me that?! Can't the justice system just believe that I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who heard it from another Thawne was messing around?"

Jesus! Another cop with a boner for solving crimes!

The jewelry store heist is that part where the big guy was battling Flash when the comic book began. So we get that scene again and The Flash walks away wondering what the heck he just saw. It seems like a clue to me but Barry wasn't very excited about it so I think I'm wrong. Plus I don't have a boner.

Meanwhile Henry Allen breaks out of prison with his new gang. Why not?! He's there for life for a crime he didn't commit anyway. I'd break out every chance I got! Although I'd probably just find myself annoyed with all the free people and go hide in a shed until I was caught.

The Flash #41 Rating: I already rated it, remember?! The ranking change time traveled to the beginning of this commentary!