Superman #3

I didn't realize Kenneth Rocafort could draw actual geometric shapes.

The Commentary!
I fear that no matter how well Tomasi and Gleason handle Superman, I'm just never going to forgive them for killing Goldie. It's like when you're dating somebody and they have sex with somebody else and you're all, "But I trusted you! Now you've lost my trust!" And then they're all, "Who are you?" It just makes me so mad! And now that Goldie has had a proper burial and Lois and Clark have apparently forgiven Jon for murdering the family pet, I'm afraid Tomasi and Gleason won't ever mention it again! I hope Damian finds out Jon killed Goldie so that Damian can look down his nose at him. Damian can take out my anger on Jon by saying things like "Alfred Pennyworth the Cat is just the best! Aren't cats the best? Do you have a non-dead cat, Jon?" Or maybe Damian can be all, "I have a dog too! I see you have a dog! Some people think dogs are better than cats and probably wouldn't care that much if their cat died but would think the world was ending if their dog died. You and your parents aren't assholes like that, are you guys, Jon?" Or maybe Damian can just give Jon another concussion and call him a fucking cat killing cunt.

For those keeping score, I still hate Peter J. Tomasi and Patrick Gleason! That isn't a criticism of their writing though! They're mostly pretty good at that when their stories aren't revolving around the death of a beloved family pet.

Last issue, the Smith family discovered that their son Jon could suffer from concussions. Clark probably implied that it was caused by Lois's weak genes and then Lois was all, "Well at least he doesn't suffer from severe Kryptonite allergies that could kill him because of me!" This issue, they've taken a trip up to the Fortress of Solitude to run tests on Jon. While there, Superman discovers a strange person in a Superman outfit petting Krypto. So Superman says, "Hi! You must be a guest of Supergirl's since Superman left this place to her! I'm her cousin...sort of...and I've come to use some of her gadgets. My name is Clark. What's your?" No! Just kidding! Superman punches the guy in the face!

If somebody was punching me in the face because I looked like somebody who made them that angry, I'd probably deny being that person in the hopes that they would stop.

The Eradicator is claiming that he can save Krypton which is as bad an argument to get Superman to stop punching him as claiming that he is, indeed, the Eradicator. Krypton is gone, man! Let it go! Remember the last time somebody tried to bring Krypton back? You're lucky if you don't because it was a story by Scott Lobdell and it was awful. Pointing out a story by Scott Lobdell is awful probably isn't necessary but I just want to be absolutely clear that Scott Lobdell can't write worth shit. But at least he didn't kill Goldie.

During the fight, Eradicator finally does something that doesn't make Superman more suspicious: he saves Lois and Jon from the shoddy workmanship of the Fortress of Solitude. This is so cliché that I really wish Cat Murderer would have gone with my initial suggestion of having Superman greet Eradicator as if he's a friend of Supergirl's. He knows he's on another Earth and he has experience with dealing with people from other Earths. So why would he automatically assume that somebody who was an asshole on his Earth has to be an asshole on this Earth? Look at this Earth's Superman: total asshole! But Preboot Superman wasn't one at all. Well, at least not until now! Now he's got a case of punch-first-ask-questions-lateritis! Besides, Krypto seemed cool with him when they entered. Doesn't Superman trust his own dog? I mean, a version of his own dog!

After the Kryptonian technology tells Clark and Lois what they already knew from observation--that Jon's body is vacillating from vulnerable to invulnerable--Superman begins the questioning portion of his disease. The line of questioning leads to the discovery that Eradicator is now all about eugenics. He's trying to recreate the perfect race. One way is to have Superman and Supergirl fuck but since they're first cousins, that could lead to all kinds of genetic abnormalities by strengthening recessive genes when what Eradicator wants is strong Kryptonians. So he decides another way to make the master race would be better: obliterate the human DNA from Jon's body without parental consent. The first step of cleansing Jon is to ingest him. Sounds like the bylaws at a NAMBLA convention. During the ingestion process, Cat Murderer and his co-writer, Other Cat Murderer, decide to double down on their dead pet plot points.

Fucking dicks!

Now, I know Krypto isn't really dead. I mean, I'm pretty sure Krypto isn't really dead. Eradicator was just sucking Jon into him so he could digest the human DNA before spitting Jon back out. Plus, I think Eradicator's mouth is just a portal to the Phantom Zone. So Krypto is just back on familiar territory. He won't be too freaked out because I'm sure a good portion of the Phantom Zone has been marked by his piss.

Superman decides it might be time to go back to the punching part of his sickness since the questions asking part was a huge failure. While a probably confused Eradicator gets beaten to a pulp, Jon sheds more tears for Krypto than he ever shed for Goldie. What a cat killing dick. He also picks up Krypto's cape because it just happens to be a size 8y.

The Review!
What kind of review do you expect me to give this comic book?! It's all about killing pets! Is Tomasi on horse tranquilizers?! What the fuck is wrong with him?! Now I've got to go out and register DogsinRefrigerators.com and PetsinRefrigerators.com to go along with KittensinRefrigerators.com. Should I just go ahead and prepare for the future by getting GerbilsinRefrigerators.com and HamstersinRefrigerators.com and ChinchillasinRefrigerators.com and GuineaPigsinRefrigerators.com and BunniesinRefrigerators.com too?! Who is going to continue to read a book about pets dying?! If I wanted to read about pets dying, I would log in to Facebook on a daily basis! Did Tomasi lose a bet with Geoff Johns? Was Tomasi's punishment to write stories that anybody with a heart would completely hate?! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!

Batman Loves Superman #11

Is that Rebis?!

Last issue of Doomed, Superman learned to control his rage. Normally he doesn't have any rage because he was raised by a couple of tea totaling do-gooders who taught him that rage was the devil's lubricant. But ever since Clark tangoed with Doomsday, he's been having a little trouble being happy and knowing it. But Wonder Woman convinced him that he could stop being a major dickhole if he truly believed, and so he believed. He seems better now. I guess that's the end of Doomed!

Superman's next problem is that Lois Lane basically gave the location of ground zero of Wonder Woman's battle with Infected Superman as Clark Kent's apartment. Tongues are going to wag!

This issue is called "Danger Zone" because it was written by Sterling Archer, I guess.

Hooray! The Fortress of Solitude is back in the Arctic!

Batman finds Krypto sick on the doorstep because Superman hasn't installed a doggy door. Wonder Woman and Steel join Batman so they can investigate Clark's secret things. I wonder if Batman's tongue would stick to Steel's armor?

Once inside the Fortress of Solitude, Batman decides to give up on his Master Detective Skills and follow a dog. He thinks Krypto is after Doomsday but what the fuck does Bruce know about Krypto? He could be after Kryptonite Greenies. Krypto dives into the Phantom Zone because that irresponsible Superdick left the fucking portal open. Maybe all the paranoid assholes of Earth are correct! Maybe Superman is a danger to Earth simply because he's an absent-minded asshole filling his home with loads of dangerous items. Just a matter of time before he leaves out a weapon that will wind up destroying the world.

Anyway, even though Batman and Wonder Woman know little about The Phantom Zone, they follow a sickly dog into it. Fuck them. Good riddance. Anybody dumb enough to make that move doesn't deserve to continue living in the DC Universe! Except Krypto! Come on, boy! You can find your way out! Come on! You can do it!

Okay. I guess Superman briefed his fellow Justice League members on this place. That makes stupid logic.

Inside the Phantom Zone, Batman and Wonder Woman discover Mongul and a Kryptonian named Non dry humping a huge crack in the sky. I know this is a prison world but that's some weird behavior. Wonder Woman thinks so too, so she closes the crack so she doesn't have to watch the spectacle.

I wonder where Mongul parked Warworld?

Inside the Phantom Zone, the Super Friends and their little dog make a new friend: Ghost Soldier! I know, you probably don't remember him because it's such a stupid name. Although maybe that's why you'd remember him. Superman kicked his ass in Action Comics a few issues ago. Now he's helping to stop Doomsday because he was part of The Tower that freed Doomsday. It all makes sense if you want it to and you don't have me explaining it in a way that makes it sound like it doesn't make sense.

And after making a new friend, they meet the Evil Mr. Smartypants behind The Phantom Zone's new look and feel.

Oh yeah! I keep forgetting about this jerk.

Currently Superman is sitting around with Lex Luthor staring at him over a cup of coffee. Probably. I don't really know since half of the title characters have yet to appear in this issue.

Xa-Du, being a stereotypical Evil Mr. Smartypants, decides to tell Wonder Woman and Batman how this whole Doomsday mess began. Why not? They're not going to live to escape The Phantom Zone anyway, right? WRONGO BUSTER! That's just the kind of Evil Mr. Smartypants' thinking that gets all Evil Mr. Smartypantses into trouble! When are y'all going to learn to zip your fucking lip and just start killing shit? I'm so disappointed in all of you! ALL OF YOU!

I think that other gift was Doomsday.

While Batman and Wonder Woman and Krypto waste time listening to Xa-Du blab about ancient history, the Kryptonian Non escapes from The Phantom Zone! And since the only person standing in his way is Steel, New Earth is probably fucked.

Except Wonder Woman returns to save the day. They all return! Even Krypto! And especially Batman! And tagging along behind them: Xa-Du! I guess he's supposed to know how to save Superman or something.

Batman Loves Superman #11 Rating: No change. It was a decent enough comic book and it starred Krypto, so I give it a solid pass. The only bad part is how it ended explaining that the next Chapter of [Infected] will take place in Superman #31. I currently have that comic book in my stack of comics to read and it doesn't have the Doomed Chapter 4 text on the cover. So I'm hoping DC changed their minds and kicked Lobdell off the Doomed story arc! Except Superman has bony growths on his face on the cover and Lois Lane is acting like Brainiac. So I think my hope was born dead.

Here is where Pelafina sits and yells at me while I read comic books in my office.

Superboy #23

Oh fuck me. Two Superboys? I'm beginning to think I spent my twenties incorrectly and I really should have overdosed on Psilocybin.

Look at these idiots. Superboy can't throw a punch but it doesn't matter since Superboy also can't block a punch! I'm also fairly certain, with my intense knowledge of real world physics, that heat vision would not block heat vision. It's not like two trains barreling down the same track and smashing head-on into each other. Unless it is. I wonder if two Superboys staring into each other's eyes and blasting out some X-rays would be like a super collider? Also, how does Superboy's vision powers work? It's not like eyes emit anything! They just accept light into them. What's going in in the Kyrptonian physiology that's allowing for their eyeballs to blast out heat and x-rays and small, furry mammals? That's a power, right? Superman's Gerbil Vision? I'm pretty sure it's canon except Supes is just too embarrassed to use it.

The Kryptonians must have a special organ located behind the eyes that allows for emitting shit from them. But if that's so (and it has to be! I've watched enough House and Trapper John, M.D., and Doogie Howser to know all about biology and medicine!), why don't Kryptonians have these special eyeball powers on Krypton? Wouldn't Superboy be blind every time he was blasting shit out of his eyes? I suppose with his x-ray vision, he's not emitting any particles but somehow simply seeing on the ass end of the light spectrum. But somebody's going to have to explain to me how this Heat Vision works. I don't need an explanation of his Gerbil Vision because I can simply accept powers that I fucking love to death.

Last issue, Superboy was getting attacked by monsters. And by monsters, I mean high school students. And by high school students, I mean monsters that actually turned into physical monsters. I think this was an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Or maybe three different episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Possibly the entire first three seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

This issue begins with bestiality!

Pretty soon, Superboy learns the most painful truth of high school: he was the true monster all along.

Also the girl that was invisible to everybody. She was the mostest biggerester monster of them all!

The lesson so far is that if you don't play high school politics, or you can't fit into a social clique, or you've never been good at making friends and spend most of your time in isolation, you're fucking up the high school experience for everybody else! Nobody wants to see you wandering down the hall with your binder pressed to your bosom and your eyes cast down on the floor, hurrying from class to class just trying not to be noticed. They don't want to be reminded of how they all feel on the inside by your total lack of ability to hide your insecurities and flaws. Stop bringing everybody else down, you monster! Smile! Make friends! Join a club! Run for Student Body! Just stop being picked on and bullied because nobody likes you, you monster!

Go get that fucking bitch, Superboy!

Does Krypto have "supersniffer" powers? How the fuck do you think he got to Earth? He followed Superman's crotch molecules from Krypton to Earth by way of The Phantom Zone! If he can't find this High School Monster immediately, I'm going to write Justin Jordan a strongly worded email about how he doesn't know shit about The New 52 Continuity and he's fucking up everything by not understanding Krypto's power levels!

I wonder who would win in a fight? Krypto or The Incredible Hulk? I should send that one in to Fantasy Face-Off!

Have I mentioned that the movie Face-Off is only one of two movies I've ever fallen asleep during in a theater? That's one fucking confusing movie to wake up in the middle of!

Krypto tracks down the Mousy Brown-Eyed Monster in just one page! Good thing because I really didn't want to have to lambast Justin Jordan after he had to work closely with Scott Lobdell for a couple of months. He's already had the worst year imaginable, I imagine! Justin Jordan also decides to make the "Superbark" canon. Now if he'd only make the Super Dogfart Canon, he'd be my hero for the amount of time before I completely forget that he was my hero.

Actually, I'm pretty sure lack of thumbs is absolutely an excuse not to be able to open a door.

California used to have billboards which read, "She said she's eighteen is no excuse." Actually, it kind of is, isn't it? I actually know someone that has had his life fucked in pretty amazing ways due to statutory rape laws. He's been labeled a sex offender for dating a seventeen year old woman online and then meeting her and having sex with her. I don't know whether he knew how old she was or not, and if he did, well, he should have known better. But the system also should know better and deal with these things case by case. He is now a sex offender. Exactly the same as child molesters and rapists. Even though he had sex with a consenting "adult". I understand why statutory rape laws exist. Because adults can and do corrupt and manipulate youths. But the age of consent is such a fabricated boundary that there are apt to be cases that blur the law's belief that these things are black and white. The woman's parents pressed charges against him, just as they'd pressed charges against two other men previously. And I believe he did jail time and mandatory therapy where he was treated as if he had to deal with his urges to have sex with children. Which he doesn't have. But, you know, sex offender!

Believe it or not, law, sometimes adults (especially nerdy, overweight, socially incompetent adults) can be manipulated by people half their age. But then this is just one example of why I can't stand the American Justice System. Because it has never been, and will never be, about justice. The majority of it is just about producing a false sense of security so that the middle class can feel that their HDTVs are safe from crackheads.

Let's get back to the "That's no excuse!" thing! I fucking can't stand when people say that and I would nearly lose my mind when I heard teachers using it in junior high and high school. "I don't want excuses." "That's not a reason; it's an excuse." "NO EXCUSES!" What they were all basically saying was, "I don't believe life happens to anybody so you'd better just get your shit together no matter what and do whatever the fuck it is I wanted you to do." Because even if you had a reason for being late or not turning in an assignment or dripping blood all over the floor from the knife wound in your side, they were never reasons to teachers! They were always excuses! Like everybody was just trying to get one over on them all the time and they weren't going to be fucking fooled by these asshole kids! I wish I could yell so loudly that it would time travel and blast every fucking teacher who ever said that to me right in the fucking face. I'm going to try. Here it goes! "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!"

I hope it worked! I'll probably have to apologize to all the neighbors tomorrow.

Back to Krypto crashing through the door, he comes flying back out through the wall on the next page. Because the Mousy Monster of McDuffie High has turned into Superboy #1!

Or something. I really don't know where this Superboy came from or why he's here or what he has to do with this High School. Maybe he was also undercover doing some detective work!

Superboy and Superboy end up by Little Miss Individualistic keeping watch over knocked out Doctor Psycho (who is surprisingly not very psycho). Bad Boy Superboy threatens her and that's when Superboy makes that realization I realized he was going to make earlier about how he's the True Monster. He's actually the only Superboy in the room, so now he has to stop punching things and begin thinking about things. Where did the Mousy Monster go? How is she involved in this? How is he going to get to second base with Eliza?

And by finally taking a moment to Instagram the entire mess so he can post it on Facebook with a caption of "WTF? LOL!", he figures out who is behind all of the hallucinations he's been having which have caused him to act like a monster. And it's not little invisible nobody at school likes me Shift. I mean, it's partially her. She's the person I think Superboy is supposed to find and help before H.I.V.E. could get her. No, the person behind even her is a guy I'm actually really happy to see!

At least his New 52 outfit is a better upgrade than Brother Blood's.

Superboy #23 Rating: +3 Ranking. Why is Superboy fighting everybody with "psycho" in their names? Why is he dealing with all of the psionics? I'm starting to believe this comic book is entering Steppenwolf territory. Did Superboy wander into a magic theater at some point? Is all of this just a journey through his inner psyche to learn who he actually is? That would actually be pretty fucking cool but I have a feeling it's all going to fall apart because Justin Jordan has walked off this title.

Looking up reasons for his departure, I stumbled upon an interview with him when he first took on the title.

Newsarama: Justin, I'm going to ask for some specifics right up front, because you've been telling people (including me a few months ago) that you're taking the Superboy book in a new direction. We saw the first issue, which was pretty action-packed. But as you move forward with this storyline, what does "new direction" mean?

Justin Jordan: Less Harvest and H’El for one thing. [Laughs.]

Ha ha ha! I see you winking at us all with that comment, Justin! I see what that wink means. It says, "Scott Lobdell writes the shittiest shit in a town that decided against naming itself Shitsville because they didn't want to frighten away the tourists." You the man, Justin!

Superboy #22

Either that or put them all in medically induced comas so they can forever picnic with their families. It worked last issue!

I don't think Superboy is even one year old yet. Tonight, a clerk at a 7-Eleven I clean told me she just turned 23 years old this week. I told her I can't even remember twenty-three. While that isn't technically true, it's so far away from forty-one that it may as well be. Your life becomes unrecognizable to the person you were. At seventeen, I was beginning college in new state. At twenty five I was unencumbered and traveling across the United States in a Volkswagen Bus. At twenty six, I was in fucking China. At twenty eight, I found myself back in Oregon to make it my home. In my thirties, I worked for a leather bag manufacturer, a company that distributed textbooks to colleges all over the world, gambled for a living for a few short months, spent a year buying and selling Heroclix and other gaming materials on eBay to make a living, spent some time in Germany, and bought the floor cleaning company that I had been working for for quite a few years. A job which I found on Craigslist one day out of desperation to do something else after programming a Places and Predators game with TADS hit a memory cap. Life changes so drastically from one point to another, nobody should ever feel that they'll never be capable of doing anything with their life. Unless, of course, they have some fucked up brain chemistry and then they should really get some drugs in them before they do anything rash. It's all so crazy.

When I was twenty or twenty-one, my Aunt, concerned about my lackadaisical approach to life, asked me, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" I immediately asked her, "Where did you see yourself now ten years ago?" She thought about it for a second and just said, "Good point." She was happy even though she never planned where she was and, I like to think, she understood that and trusted that I'd be okay after that moment. My grandparents always had that trust in me. They always treated me like they knew I'd find a way, that I'd be okay somehow. I just wish they'd lived to see me with my own business. Not because I'm in any way significantly proud about having a steady job of my own! I would have just liked them to see that their trust in me was founded and their trust in me helped me trust myself. I always knew I had two of the most kind, caring, thoughtful people in the world in my corner. You can't fucking fail with a safety net like that.

Superboy doesn't have any of that shit so he's bound to make some serious mistakes. Although he does have a doggy.

Oh! But he does have Jocy from the future keeping an eye on him! Maybe he will be okay! Because she, you know, knows the future!

Gui Balbi's name was a new one for me (and I think new to The New 52) so I wasn't sure about the art. But judging by only the first page, I like it! It's got that cartoonish, not so serious look that I really enjoy. Plus look at the way he draws her boobs in that kicking down the door panel! It's like two hedgehogs playing tag under a silk sheet. I never realized that I could be so turned on by hedgehogs!

Superboy isn't at home because he's on the run with Doctor Psycho and Krypto looking to help meta-gene kids targeted by H.I.V.E. Perhaps this is a different H.I.V.E. than Scott Lobdell is writing about in Superman because I'm having trouble putting together their different agendas. I suppose I need a smart comic book writer and/or editor to explain it to me very slowly. Queen Bee wants everybody to fall into some kind of Borg Mentality for Brainiac's coming out party. H.I.V.E. also wants kids with super powers. I suppose H.I.V.E. could be building an army of super kids to be the muscle behind the Viral Equality New World Order. But I can't just keep speculating on how the two plans will mesh since Scott Lobdell is writing one-half of the H.I.V.E. story and if I ever find myself thinking like Scott Lobdell, I'm going to drown myself in the toilet.

A few pages later and the art seems a little bit out of control. Superboy sometimes looks like his jaw is swollen from recent dental work and one of the cheerleaders he meets just looks chinless. At its best, I'm enjoying it. At its worse, it's still not bad since it's not going for a photo-realist effect.

Superboy is already super popular. High school is stupid.

The cheerleaders just get Superboy in trouble because they're dating the football players and one football player is a big macho asshole. Wouldn't you know it? Superboy had to go play Jumpstreet in the most stereotypical high school in New York. But it's also weird because this asshole seems to be dating two women named Coop! The one in the tie in the panel above introduces herself as Coop and then leaves with the football player at the end of the confrontation. But during the confrontation, he refers to the one with the ginger ponytail as Coop. She's the one he manhandles and states is trying to make him jealous. And then he walks off with the one in the tie. I guess none of it really matters because these aren't the people Superboy infiltrated the school to meet anyway. That person comes walking up afterward.

Look how much individuality she has! She must be an awesome person unlike those others that are into school roles!

Look at her being all unconventionally sexy with the different colored hair and the big boots and the Little Orphan Annie eyes! Bunker is going to be super upset when Superboy begins dating her!

Although maybe this isn't the person Superboy was meant to find that's causing other kids to go insane. They pass by another girl in the hallway that smiles wide and is simply ignored by Superboy and Little Miss Unconventional. Then she hugs her binder and makes the sadness face and wanders off down the torturous hallways of the high school no-man's land. I don't know where that is since I was always in the yes-man's land! That's where you eat lunch in the library talking about computer games and Dungeons and Dragons!

Once Superboy finally makes it to class, he's the smartest person in the room. Which is weird since N.O.W.H.E.R.E.'s curriculum was all nonsense about traveling from Mars to New York by breakfast and coming up with a ridiculous answer involving Mars Standard Time and the Universal Chronal Chart developed by Salvator Grotto in 1856.

He's really not disagreeing with what the teacher was beginning to say. But God forbid somebody say something in a way that Superboy can misinterpret so that he can point out how much more superior he is than they are.

I'm not saying this teacher was going to spout historical truth, but Superboy didn't even give him a chance. Superboy could be shitting all over an ally but his own ego and self-righteousness will never allow him to find out. Like last night when people jumped all over Neil Gaiman for the way he phrased his belief that, in service to the current story, he thought it was best for the new Doctor Who to be male. People. Calm the fuck down. Neil Gaiman is an ally. You're not solving any social problems by trying to point out that Neil Gaiman may be unknowingly sexist. And, of course, when Neil Gaiman courteously tries to clarify the point and let people know that wasn't what he was saying at all, many won't believe him because they already jumped to the conclusion that he's a sexist bastard. And how could they, with their amazing intuitive abilities and grandiose perceptive skills, ever get something wrong?

Oh, and on the other side of things! You should see the asshole trolls Gail Simone deals with every day. I truly adore her mostly whimsical deflections of many of the more outlandish attitudes and beliefs of how comic books should be. I find it ludicrous that there are actually males out there threatened by comic books with female leads with actual female interests as opposed to female leads written merely as men with boobs. Variety is the Old Spice of Christmas Presents. That doesn't sound right. Maybe Lord Google could help if he wasn't currently off fucking Empress Bing.

After Superboy is sent to see adult after adult while looking completely different every time, it's time to get in a fight! Whew! I didn't think this comic book was going to have any action! Although being high school, I was hoping for a little under the bleachers, under the shirt action.

I suppose H.I.V.E. is simply interested in psychics like Hector Hammond, Doctor Psycho, and Psymon since they have the power to help in Holistically Integrating Viral Equality.

Superboy decides he isn't smart enough to figure out what's going on in the school so he accuses the one person he's been able to talk to, Little Miss Unconventional. She explains to Superboy how all kids are monsters and then all the kids suddenly ARE monsters! It's like an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer! And then Krypto is there being a monster dog as well! And since Superboy isn't a detective, he's completely clueless as to what's happening. Maybe he'll figure it out by next month after Justin Jordan sends tons of notes to Scott Lobdell's office trying to find out where the whole H.I.V.E. story is headed in Superman and Action Comics. Perhaps Jordan will get an answer in time to put a coherent ending on this story. But more likely, Lobdell will just return the notes with notes of his own saying, "The story hasn't revealed itself to me yet! I can't wait to find out what happens though!"

Superboy #22 Rating: No change. The art really fooled me at first and then it was just all over the fucking place. I think given a longer deadline or more practice (I don't know if Gui is new to the comic art world or not because I'm too lazy to Google his name), Gui Balbi might be able to make a nice looking comic on par with Ig Guara's stuff. But right now, he's too loose with his work. Superboy tends to look quite different from scene to scene and people sometimes look cool and other times look like monsters. And that was before they're supposed to look like monsters! As for the story, I liked that it was fun but it wasn't quite funny where I think it was supposed to be. I like the light-hearetedness although I get the feeling that Jordan might be treading water on this story until Lobdell solidifies what's happening with H.I.V.E.

Superboy #21

If I hadn't been reading Superboy before now, I may actually have picked it up based on this cover. A Boy and his Dog Story. Go Krypto!

I have yet to open this comic book so I'm crossing my fingers that Justin Jordan doesn't go back to that whole "My name is Superboy" bullshit opening that Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell loved so much. I know Jordan obliterated it at the beginning of last issue but you never can tell what DC's editors deem is truly important. Someone may have been pissed and they might try to force him back to that bullshit opening. For all that is good and holy, please don't let that happen!

I actually would not have minded if this began, "My name is Krypto."

Interestingly enough, Justin Jordan seems to know the difference between the Arctic and the Antarctic! That's another reason he's a better writer than Tott Dedell.

Last issue, Superboy and Doctor Psycho teamed up to battle H.I.V.E. Doctor Psycho just wants them to stop pursuing him (I think!) and Superboy doesn't really have a H.I.V.E. related agenda. He just kind of got roped into this thing because Doctor Psycho lied to him about being able to reveal some of Superboy's secret past. But Superboy doesn't just kick Doctor Psycho out on the streets when he realizes he was lying because Doctor Psycho tells him more lies about how H.I.V.E. can help somehow. I suppose Superboy is still too young and naive (he's only like six months old!) to realize he probably shouldn't be teaming up with a guy named Doctor Psycho.

And then Krypto comes for a visit!

I remember Krypto meeting Supergirl in H'el on Earth but I don't remember any stories where Superboy gets to know Krypto. That doesn't mean none have been told. It could mean my memory sucks. Even if no issues have shown a meeting, Superboy has spent enough time with Superman while going through his DNA woes that he probably was introduced. And Krypto, unlike everybody else on Krypton, apparently likes clones.

Doctor Psycho's research leads them to a runaway girl named Sarah that has some psychic power that puts her on H.I.V.E.'s hit list. She's currently being tracked by a creature called Decay, so Superboy, Doctor Psycho, and Krypto take her under their collective wing to protect her. Judging by the way Issue #20 began, I don't think they're going to be very good at it.

While they're putting some food in Sarah (who escaped from the same H.I.V.E. facility that Doctor Psycho escaped from), Decay attacks! And he's another one of those creatures that isn't affected by telekinesis! Go figure! Superboy's power is the worst because it's simply binary. If the writer wants it to work, it works and Superboy is a badass Super Person. If the writer doesn't want it to work, it doesn't work and Superboy can't do much of anything. Also, Superboy apparently can't touch Decay but Decay can touch Superboy. So can Superboy touch Decay while Decay's touching Superboy since that's the only fucking way that can fucking work?

See? He's holding his arm! Kick him in the privates now!

Doctor Psycho realizes that Decay is just a psychic manifestation created by Sarah. So he threatens her life and she suddenly changes into Decay herself. So now maybe Decay is physical? Also, I'm guessing kicking her in the privates wouldn't have been as effective a plan as I thought.

To stop Sarah, Superboy interrupts the blood flow to her brain, causing her to pass out. Then Doctor Psycho induces a psychic coma so that she'll remain in her happy place picnicking with her parents until they can find a proper way to keep her from turning into Decay. Superboy realizes that H.I.V.E. is exactly like N.O.W.H.E.R.E. in that they're creating warriors out of innocent people. Now he actually has a reason to battle H.I.V.E. And Doctor Psycho believes he knows where to go next.

Superboy #20 Rating: +1 Ranking. Once again, not that I think this individual issue was really very good but at least it was coherent and driven by a plot that has now remained consistent across two issues. So it's definitely better than it was. Also, I'd just like to point out that Psiphon's name was changed to Psyphon this issue. Editorial consistency! You know, in that they're never very consistent about doing their job.

Action Comics #17

Why is Vyndktvx so proud about defeating Superman? That's like me being proud that I crumpled up a picture of a stick figure.

When I began reading last issue, I though it was Grant Morrison's final issue of Action Comics. And then when I finished reading it, I thought this was the final issue of Action Comics written by Morrison. But since the one thing I'm unerringly wrong about is the final issue of things, I imagine Grant Morrison will be writing Action Comics for a really long time. That wouldn't be so bad.

Last issue ended with Super Brand X Superman from Earth 5 (I think) being escorted into Earth Prime by Lex Luthor. Lex wasn't actively trying to make that happen but one thing I've learned from the Young Earth Creationists is that scientists never actually know what they're doing and they only ever discover things on accident and most of the time they're lying anyway. I guess they also taught me that if you can think up a theory in your imagination without any research or evidence, it's just as valid as scientific theories that are in reality laws of the universe. My theory that ghosts are just brains picking up other people's brain waves like a radio signal is probably true because I thought of it and it makes sense if I tell it to you until you're sick of arguing with me.

The other grand event that happened at the end of last issue was the Legion Founders coming back in time to help Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen bring Mr. Mxyzptlk out of his coma so that he can save Superman's fourth dimensional ass.

This issue begins with a sentimental moment that interferes with getting straight into the action! So I skipped it to get to the good stuff! The comic book doesn't really begin until Superman is getting beaten to death by the Earth 5 Superman with the Superman statue commemorating Superman's first death.

I like the spit curl image on the back of Earth 5 Super Brand X Superman's back.

While Superman is waiting for somebody else to save the days, Lightning Man, Saturn Woman, and Cosmic Man are racing back in time in their Time Bubble to alter everything. These Legion of Super-hero members are from a future where Superman was killed. But their future sucks since Universo took control and hypnotized everyone into being assholes. So they figure, even if it means they'll never exist, they're going to change the past. Except then they won't have existed to change the past and thus Superman will still die and they'll exist to change the past and then...oh fuck it! I already went over this in my commentary on Superboy! But now that Morrison is writing this messed up Back to the Future version of time travel in a comic book I really like, I have to do the fanboy thing and defend it somehow! Perhaps when this kind of event takes place, two time lines become inextricably tied together for all time. Which would mean that the Legion members will continue to exist as if Superman died in the one time line braided to the other timeline where they save Superman's ass. So even if they're successful, they're shitty timeline will still exist. They really can't do anything except be caught in a weird ass time loop that never quite resolves or changes either time line.

So Legion goes back in time but they skip over to the "Superman Lives" timeline when they fix past events. The two timelines would be identical except for the moments changed by Legion and the repercussions of those moments. But in the end, who cares? Vyndktvx can change whatever he wants in either timeline and more without breaking a sweat. So ultimately, I think they still need Mxyzptlk.

Or events happened how they always happened. Or those other travelers on the other side of the overturned truck were Legion returning to make sure Ma and Pa Kent die before Legion can save Ma and Pa Kent because saving Ma and Pa Kent fucks everything up so that Superman dies. Or something. Fuck you, Time Travel!

While Legion does whatever the fuck Legion does while fucking up time and history, Vyndktvx talks to the reader (or maybe someone else that's outside the page that isn't the reader but another character) and describes how he planned the entire thing. He explains each issue and why he did what he did and how it helped to get Superman to his next death. Maybe he's talking to me since I accepted his deal to not help Superman last issue! I'm part of his gang now! Too bad all the losers on Earth didn't accept Vyndktvx's deal!

They're actually helping him! Bah! Why do people always help Superman?!

At some point during Legion's travels, they end up at the side of Mxyzptlk as seen at the end of last issue. Mxyzptlk awakens with his wife's name on his lips. Brand X Superman tears off his face plate and reveals he's an amalgamation of Doomsday and Superman. And Lex Luthor arrives to complicate things further.

Or help. It's hard to tell with that asshole.

I also forgot to mention that the last time The Anti-Superman Army were shown, they were trying to devour Krypto's soul with their Blue Kryptonite. But Superman spoke with Erik Drekken the Unevolved Man and told him he was still a good scientist and Superman believed in him. And how can someone fight that? So when Superman's brawl took him away from that scene, perhaps Erik saved Krypto's doggy soul. As if dogs have souls! I mean, if people don't, why would dogs?! Maybe dolphins have souls. But that's it!

The Sholly Fisch back-up story was a bunch of emotional pap that didn't make me feel anything! Although it might have made me sick because I suddenly need to blow my nose. Really, it wasn't worth reading at all! In fact, it spoils the end of this entire run because you find out that Superman survives! Oh look! Now I've spoiled issue #18 as well! It's just so hard to concentrate with tears splashing all over my keyboard and this erratic breathing.

Action Comics #17 Rating: No change because it's already tied with Batman at #1. Which means it's one of the best comic books of The New 52. Which is weird because I generally don't care much for Superman stories. But I do like alternate dimension and time travel stories! But I don't like stories that show future Superman getting to talk with Pa Kent one last time on the night Pa Kent dies! Sholly Fisch is a jerk that likes to make people sad!

Supergirl #16

And H'el is Bizarro again. Maybe the covers shouldn't be finished so far in advance of the rest of the comic book.

Supergirl has major Kryptonian lady wood for H'el and has decided to join forces with him to return Krypton to its unexploded former glory. I hope H'el realizes that once they go back in time before Krypton was rubble, he's still going to have to stop it from exploding by destroying the End of the World Cult that blows it up. Unless it's the clones fucking with the weather systems that causes it to blow. Or maybe one of Jor-El's secret experiments is the cause. No, you know what I bet the cause of Krypton blowing up was? It was H'el traveling back in time! The energy he uses to fuel his time machine will probably go back with him only to explode deep within the center of the planet Krypton. So before that happens, let's hope Flash can talk Supergirl out of going back in time and killing herself as well.

Except according to Superman #0, Superman ends up back in time hanging around stalking his parents! I hope that part is just completely forgotten about so that years later everyone can go, "What the fuck was Lobdell on about? Superman on Krypton? When the fuck is that going to happen?"

This issue of Supergirl begins with H'el's story as told by Oracle's Horn Blower.

Okay. I guess the scar healed quickly over time. And it looks like he made the mark himself to alert whoever found him that he needed to see Superman. But since he made the mark while looking in the mirror, it came out backwards. And he was too loopy from space madness to realize it.

It's at this point in the story where Oracle's Horn Blower finds the body and blows the horn. This actually occurred back in Superman #1. It was a single page of the fishy guy blowing the horn and saying his task has finally been done and now he just has to be heard. And then an editor's note says to read Stormwatch to find out more about this. But Stormwatch simply recovered the horn and put it on the Eye of the Storm. Nothing ever came of it. Until Scott Lobdell decided it was to be used to summon an omniscient creature named Oracle. Although I still don't know why an omniscient creature would need to be summoned.

But that can wait until Scott Lobdell's Superman because it's just too silly to take place in Supergirl. This is a serious fucking comic book, not one of those Silver Age throwbacks written to children and social deviants. So instead of revealing more about Oracle's Horn Blower, this comic will be focusing on The Flash trying to remove Supergirl from H'el's influence.

Hey Flash. She probably can't understand you when you speak while running at super speed.

The Flash slows down long enough to drop some truth bombs on Kara which she obviously doesn't want to hear.

Flash: "H'el is a bad guy, Kara!"
Supergirl: "Go fuck yourself, Flash! You can't tell me who to date!"
Flash: "He's just using you to destroy the world!"
Supergirl: "You're just jealous!"
Flash: "You're not thinking straight! You've spent too much time being written by Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco!"
Supergirl: "Lecture much? I don't have to listen to you! You're not my father!"

Eventually Supergirl just decides to break his skull. It doesn't work because The Flash has weird vibrating powers that Supergirl has felt before.

I feel a FWAAASH! coming on!

The Flash vibrates himself and Supergirl through a wall and into Superman's Zoo of Solitude. This is the third zoo to grace a plot in this month of The New 52! Damian and Fake Batman ran about the Gotham Zoo in Batman and Robin #16. And Grifter had a climactic last battle in a nameless city zoo in Grifter #16. I don't think there will be any polar bears in Superman's zoo though. He just keeps exotic alien species in his Zoo which are probably all against some kind of Earth law. And even if there isn't an Earth law against it, how smart is it to bring a strange creature into a new environment? If it gets out, it's going to wreak havoc on the ecosystem. Superman, you're an irresponsible jerk!

They only spend a couple of pages fighting strange creatures before Flash vibrates them through another wall. The Fortress of Solitude is like its own city! It has dangerous robots and dangerous weapons and dangerous animals and dangerous gadgets. I have a feeling Batman is going to have some strong and disapproving words for Superman when this is all over.

The next room they end up in is only dangerous if you don't have the proper treats.

I wonder if Krypto simply means "dog" in Kryptonian? So Krypton is "The Place of Dogs."

Stupid animals in media. They get me every time! The greeting between Krypto and Supergirl is very sweet seeing as how Supergirl had no idea the big dumb dog survived. While Supergirl is distracted by dog kisses, The Flash zips out to find some secret weapon Superman told him to use as a last resort. It's some weird suit of armor that I've never seen or heard of before. But that's okay because The Flash explains where it came from in the most general terms possible! It was created by an "evil genius" Superman fought "off-planet" a "couple years back." Superman has had so many adventures in five years (possibly a few more) that the Fortress is stuffed full of crazy trophies.

I'm still curious about Superman's ability to fly. He couldn't fly at the beginning of Action Comics. Is it because he just hadn't absorbed enough sunlight yet? Supergirl has no problem flying. Or is it because of their special graduation suits they wear? Or does Superman have a Legion Flight Ring shoved up his colon?

The Flash doesn't save Kara because H'el comes along to do one of those fight ending things he does with no explanation as to how he does it. He teleports Flash to the Justice League Satellite. And since teleportation has never been a Kryptonian power, who is this fucker?

The Supergirl part of the story ends with Supergirl and H'el making kissy faces at each other. And then in space on the way to Earth, an all-powerful impossibility awakens!

Being omniscient sucks. This poor bastard Oracle has to travel all the way to Earth knowing the whole time that he's not going to accomplish whatever horrible thing he's supposed to accomplish. But he can't not go because he knows he goes so he has to go even though he knows he's going to fail. Omniscience is a fucking curse.

Supergirl #16 Rating: No change. I think I find the Supergirl parts of this crossover the best parts because I have a huge bias against Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco. It didn't start out as an irrational bias but it might have gotten a bit out of control by this point. It started out because they sucked at writing and because they didn't know that the arctic and Antarctica are two different places. But now I just see their names on the cover of a comic book and my brain explodes.

Ugh. According to the advert in this issue, the H'el on Earth crossover still has four more issues to go.

Action Comics #13

Is that Krypto's collar?!

Last issue was the Zero Issue with many, many origin stories about many different things in Superman's life. This issue begins with the origin of the Phantom Zone.

This whole Halloween on Krypton thing is the kind of silly stuff you can get away with when you use an actual Omniscient Narrator. But when Roy Harper or Slade Wilson does this, it takes five days off the end of my life.

Doctor Xa-Du must proclaim himself The Phantom King of the Phantom Zone as soon as he enters since he'll be the only guy there for awhile. I'm not sure how any of the new villains who enter will overthrow him since they'll be dematerialized. Although my guess is that everyone in the Phantom Zone can interact with everyone else in the Phantom Zone. Especially since Doctor Xa-Du comes out with Krypto's collar. And hopefully Krypto as well!

Boy, the people of Krypton sure got ugly since Travel Foreman took over the art.

Meanwhile in the present, Superman is decorating his Fortress of Solitude with artifacts from the Bottle City of Kandor. I guess Batman Ray Paler helped him out with a reverse shrinking ray and Superman has been stealing things from the city. Why not? What can those stupid ass tiny Kandoorians do? Shake their tiny impotent fists at him? Ha! They're lucky Superman doesn't stick his dick in their jar and give them all a Kryptonian Golden Shower.

As Superman gets ready to head out to pursue a job for Superman, he hears something deep within his fortress.

Ewww! Gross! The Phantom Zone really does a number on a person's skin.

I guess Doctor Xa-Du figured out a way to watch people from within the Phantom Zone. He probably created a whole society of immortal assholes. He might even be able to tell Superman about Superman's mom and dad. He might even know what position was used to conceive little Kal-el!

The next page shows Superman looking into a mirror confused and insisting he heard something. Looks like Doctor Xa-Du can watch from inside the Phantom Zone. Luckily for Doctor Xa-Du (and Krypto!), Superman had already unmicronized the Phantom Zoning Machine from the City of Kandor. He had no idea what it did but he suddenly noticed it was cracked and their were paw prints across its surface. Fucking dogs break everything.

While Kal-el is inspecting the dog prints, Doctor Xa-Du somehow activates the machine and launches Superman into the Phantom Zone where Zod and a whole bunch of other miscreants that Morrison probably dug out of old one issue stories from the past lie in wait to ambush Supes. And Doctor Xa-Du materializes outside of the Phantom Zone where he can feel once again. I bet he's hungry. Too bad no place delivers to the Fortress of Solitude.

After years of not really being able to hear himself, Xa-Du soliloquizes all over the place. Superman can't see anything in the Phantom Zone but he realizes the other people trapped in the Phantom Zone can indeed see and possibly see out of it. As he wrestles with one of them, he takes some goggles from the person's head and puts them on. He can now see too! I guess the Phantom Zone has workshops and shit.

Superman remembers the paw prints and a faint memory from when he was a baby of the big white dog that dove into the Phantom Zone. He whistles and Krypto comes running to save his master's son!

Inside the Zone, Superman meets a phantom stranger! Watch out, Superman! He's going to betray you!

The Phantom Stranger was sucked into the Phantom Zone mysteriously. Maybe the Font in the Sky shoved him there so that he could betray Superman and lose one of his silver coins. Or perhaps the Font in the Sky couldn't resist the joke. Or maybe he really did innocently get dematerialized. However he ended up there, it doesn't really matter. He can get out easily. But he needs Superman to find a way out so that he can stop Doctor Xa-Du from destroying Earth.

According to Mythbusters, dogs really can smell something light years away.

Superman manages to steal Doctor Xa-Du's Ecto-suit by pure force of will, perhaps like the criminal that had been able to reach its fist out of the Phantom Zone years earlier before Krypton exploded. Doctor Xa-Du fades back into the Phantom Zone and Superman activates the mechanism to release himself. But Krypto is still stuck in the Zone.

Someone's been watching the saddest episode of Futurama ever.

After Superman escapes, the Ecto-suit mostly disintegrates. But one gloves is still left. Superman uses it to reach into the Phantom Zone and pull Krypto out by his collar. Krypto is near death but Superman takes him for a space walk in the nice yellow sun and he begins to feel better.

I bet Kryptonian White Wolf Dogs eat people.

Afterward, the Little Man from Another Place recruits Doctor Xa-Du into his Super Revenge League. And then it's time for a back-up story!

The back-up story is an evil story full of manipulative animal love engineered to bring anybody with a love of animals to their weeping knees. But since I am an unfeeling bastard, I did not feel a thing! Nope! I don't know what tears are, Sholly Fisch and Brad Walker! Go manipulate some other sorry bastard!

*sniffle* Oh, fuck you!

Action Comics #13 Rating: +1/2 Ranking! Scott Snyder still hasn't deserved to fall from first yet although this Death of the Family crossover might be the death of Batman at #1! I hope not. But if the whole "Joker created Jason Todd's Robin" thing stands, I'll hate it on principle.