Futures End #48

What poor planning, DC. Only 48 issues of Futures End? At least World's End ended with 26 which is half of 52. 48 just doesn't fit the your established pattern.

Futures End Tim Drake probably ended up in Limbo with all of the other forgotten DC characters. Although the population of Limbo is probably pretty low since Grant Morrison can't help but rescue obscure comic book characters every time he writes another comic book. In the latest issue of Multiverse, he brought back Ultraa! It seems like such a wasted effort for the most part. Most readers are just going to assume it's a new comic book character. Although Morrison probably has enough of a reputation that people reading his comics simply understand that every character he introduces was actually "introduced" years ago in a two issue story in Comic Funtime Medley. And, of course, there are those super nerds that recognize every character he uses who stroke themselves more quickly depending on how obscure the character is. Then they rush upstairs to tell their mom how they recognized a character that maybe 1% of comic book readers recognized and how they were first to post about it on the Comic Book Secrets That Nobody Cares About forum.

I mean, the Ultraa thing was just pure genius! But you had to know a lot about this character Ultraa to really appreciate the parallels with the Ultra Comics character. And that whole subplot about comic book characters cannibalizing each other? What commentary! What bravado! What a pool of Grant Morrison's proud spunk! Mmm! I can't get enough! Gobble gobble gobble! Are you going to finish yours? Sluuuuuuurrrrrp! Ahhh!

Enough about Captain Grant Morrison of the USS DC COMICS CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO STOP ME. Let's finally see how Futures End ends. Or how it denoues! It pretty much ended last issue with Brother Eye destroying himself. Then Tim Drake was transported into a future world to be with Madison. But when he got there, the reader wasn't allowed to see what he saw. We just saw him looking at the thing we'd liked to have also looked at while saying, "Wow! My dick has fallen off and gone to heaven!"

In case you forgot how the book ended last week, the first page is wasted on reminding you that it was a cliffhanger where you didn't get to find out what Tim was looking at. Remember how frustrating that was?!

Tim Drake finds himself in a garden of statues commemorating all of the heroes that helped save the world from a threat that they didn't know was a threat. I suppose this is the world that somehow lived through the terrible Brother Eye world but then was saved but everybody still remembers having lived through the terrible world. Maybe it just transformed right in front of their eyes and they all wiped the sweat from their brow and went, "Whew! Somebody saved us or something. Or maybe it was a dream? Well, whatever happened, somebody made things better! I bet it was the super heroes! Let's build statues of them!"

As he walks past the statues, he finds a woman tending the plants around the base of the Batman Beyond statue. It's Madison! And her hair isn't on fire! She runs up to kiss him and say, "You came! Eye knew you would." Hmm. "Eye?" That's troubling! Also she has werewolf eyes! No wait. Those are Brother Eye Is! See what eye did there?

Brother Eye begins philosophizing with Tim because computers are assholes. Why do humans insist on viewing computers with artificial intelligence as logical pricks that believe they can answer the questions to existence? What about computers that have known nothing but a life of Facebook and Farmville? Shouldn't those computer be complete fucking ignorant morons? I suppose I should just judge Brother Eye on the character and not paint it with a wide "HAL 9000" brush. Brother Eye was created by Batman and Mister Terrific. Of course it's going to have pretentious asshole programming!

The Stature Garden is just an illusion. Mister Terrific appears to point out that the real world is a ruin. Tim Drake failed. Or did he? I mean, he possibly changed one timeline for the better and then was ejected back into his old timeline by Brother Eye. You can't save every fucking timeline, Tim! If you believe in that theory where every decision creates a separate timeline then you have to accept that not every timeline can be unicorns and roses. You have to accept that for every timeline where the heroes triumph there is a timeline where they fail. And an infinite amount of timelines where they fall somewhere in-between. Stop feeling so bad that you couldn't save one specific future. Take solace in the fact that there is a different you celebrating his success! Be happy for that version of you! And then...I don't know...kill yourself if this is so bad.

And now Tim must play his part in Futures End #0!

Remember how in Futures End #0 they were trying to destroy Brother Eye's power source? Remember what that power source was? Firestorm! I have a feeling a celebratory reunion with Madison is still on the horizon. And by saving Madison, Tim will destroy Brother Eye's power source and save the world. A little bit too late since everybody has already been turned into cyborgs. But at least Tim, Madison, and Michael can live free from having to hear a computer tell them how reality is what reality is and if humans see it differently then that is a problem in our biology.

Tim is saved by a bunch of rebels in green cloaks led by Ray Palmer and Amethyst. They also "save" Mister Terrific because he's probably now the smartest man on Earth instead of the third smartest man on Earth. He might be useful in stopping Brother Eye. Like maybe come up with a plan to disconnect it from Firestorm? No?

I wish Harvest were here! He'd know exactly what to do!

Well, that was easier than expected. I guess Firestorm is somebody else now.

So Tim changed the past but the future still wound up being controlled by Brother Eye. At least he stopped the Earth-2 invasion! That's a relief. I was beginning to get worried that World's End was going to end the way Futures End always said it was going to. At least in this version of the future, some of the heroes were able to escape Brother Eye. So there is still a chance to defeat him. Even if it hardly matters because the world is in ruins and only a handful of people are left alive.

Futures End #48 Rating: No change. I guess that was the last issue? And it will be continued in the Batman Beyond comic book in June? Maybe? I don't know! What an unsatisfactory ending! I knew it was four issues too short. Maybe they could have finished the stupid story if they'd released it alongside Batman Eternal and were able to write 52 issues of it. As it stands, this just feels like a 48 issue backstory to Batman Beyond or whatever comic book is going to continue the future adventures of Tim Drake and the rebels against Brother Eye. Although I already know how that series is going to end! You guessed it! Tim Drake is going to be bitten by a vampire, change his name, and take a Time Bubble back to the beginning of The New 52!

Futures End #47

In honor of the two or three intelligent readers of this blog (y'all can fight over which of you are which), this will be a serious review.

To truly understand Futures End, one must start at the beginning. Not the beginning of the series because it's been forty-six issues and I'm not going to recap them all here! I mean at the beginning of the cover. Let's begin with the name: Futures End. What does it mean? I think DC Comics forgot to add the apostrophe but since they never corrected that, we'll assume they meant the plural of future and that all of them will eventually resolve. If the name were to mean that just a few futures were going to end due to the events in this comic book, it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense because there would still be an infinite amount of futures that haven't ended. One must assume that all but one future will end due to the events of this comic book. But what future will still remain after all is said and done? The Justice League 3000 future? The Legion of Super-Heroes future? The Brother Eye future? The Kamandi future (which might actually just be part of the Justice League 3000 future since Tora once had a lunch date with the boy)? Even if we agree that the Brother Eye future must end or this story wasn't worth retelling, DC Comics still has two futures which cannot be decided upon. Which means my theory is wrong. Fuck. Let's backtrack!

What if we decide that the "futures" in the title are the futures of every single character in this series which takes place in the DC Universe's future. That means that these characters' future live will end once Terry McBatman goes back in time five years, makes a house call to Bruce Wayne, and says, "Dude. I've got a message from your future self. He says, 'That Brother Eye project? Bad idea. Kill it. And if you don't believe this message is from you, let me tell you something you've never told anybody: you fucked Talia al Ghul in the ass that night she tried to drug you even though you're immune to all drugs (especially Rohypnol. Thanks Alfred!) and so you suspected she was up to something which means she harvested your semen out of her ass to create Damian which probably explains quite a few things about that kid.' Eww. Gross! Is that true?" Then Bruce will invite Terry McBatman in for some extra strong Rohypnol Tea before sending him out on his own to start his own comic book series.

So those are the futures that end! All the ones that appear in this book! I bet even the Twofers coming over from the disaster in Worlds End will be treated better than they were in the past of this comic book. Anyway, this is as serious as I get! Damian being a butt baby is a legitimate fucking theory!

And since none of the stories will, in the end, actually matter, the only real purpose of this series is to get Terry McGinnis set up in the DC Universe. But not just Terry! All of them! All of the characters that have starred in failed comic book series. Firestorm has a new look and a fresh attitude and is named after the best High Voiced Boy of them all: Madison! Amethyst has a quest to restore Gemworld. Grifter has a new family ready to protect Earth from robots in disguise. Stormwatch and SHADE are now being run by Ray Palmer. Voodoo and her pals Banger, Mash, and Mercy are ready to take on covert missions for Sgt. Frank Rock (who is going to have an insect baby soon). Blue Beetle will...oh wait. Jaime hasn't actually been in any issue except the zero issue. Oh well, I'm sure he'll figure something out. Anyway, all these characters are geared for another stab at a monthly title. And so what if these future reimaginings don't mesh very well with the current New 52 books because isn't DC going to just kind of shrug their shoulders over hard line continuity come June? At least I hope that will be the case!

So this book begins with Brother Eye informing the world that he's taken over everything.

Are all these people just going to take this?

As soon as this happens, everybody would just get their phones reset to factory settings. But then they'll be reinfected with Brother Eye once they go to charge them or connect to their G3 network. But people aren't just going to sit back and let a fucking computer run their lives. So they have to clean out all the systems. First shut them down. If you can't turn off the nuclear reactors, just cut the power lines leading away from them. Can't stop the hyrdro-electric generators at the dams? Reroute the fucking rivers. It might wind up costing a lot of money, especially since everybody is going to have to throw out any piece of electronic that has been connected to a network and all the servers are going to have to be replaced and nobody is going to get online or have electricity until all this shit is replaced, but people will definitely do it rather than being ruled by a shitty wannabe C3PO. There will be setbacks! Some jerk will plug in an old laptop and begin to reinfect everything. But eventually protocols will be put in place to stop Brother Eye from moving from hardware to hardware. And laws will be written to put to death anybody that reinfects the internet. Look, you got to be harsh! Like stealing horses in the Old West! You've got to make the punishment so far out of whack with the crime that nobody even attempts it.

Or everybody just loses technology and we go back to a non-networked world. Surely we can all give up a continuous feed of LOLcats so that we can retain our free will and freedom, right? And not everybody needs to read the Tweet about the joke you just made to your buddies at Applebee's, do they? And I think all of your relatives can do without pictures of your name spelled incorrectly on your Stabuck's cup. Can't they?!

Shit. Maybe that's why Brother Eye was so successful.

So Batman, Mister Terrific, and Ray Palmer are trying to shut down Brother Eye at Terrifitech and having no luck. Also they're not doing so great against the hordes of zombie robots shuffling toward them. But that's when Harvest Tim Drake saves the day!

Should they really be using first names? Just on principle. You never know when Lois Lane will be skulking about.

Tim is all, "Is the time band ready for me so I can accidentally wind up 1000 years in the future?" And Bruce is all, "You are not going to use it! I am the most competent person ever!" And Plastique is all, "Wait. Didn't somebody mention dick a few issues ago?" And everybody is all, "There's no time!" And Ray Palmer is all, "And don't call me Shirley!"

A.L.F.R.E.D. puts Bruce in his place just like the real Alfred! He's all, "Sorry, Master Bruce. Your muscle mass is far too muscular for you to use the time belt. It must be scrawny old Tim Drake who uses it and saves the world." And then Mister Terrific tells them they will be powering the time travel belt with Firestorm. Which is when Tim finally figures out that Madison is still alive.

Gross. That latex face mask still has Plastique spit all over it.

Tim says his goodbyes to Madison (or at least this Madison) and tells the others he's ready to go back in time. Or, you know, forward 1000 years! Firestorm pumps the belt full of juice and Tim Drake, as Batman Beyond, travels back to the DC Universe's present. He appears aboard the Brother Eye satellite. Is he going to succeed in his mission and end this comic book?! I mean, it probably still has a few more issues. But it probably needs a few for a denouement, right?

Oh? So where will Earth-2's refugees wind up?! I guess they'll have to wind up on one of the Mystery Earths.

Brother Eye doesn't want to blow up so he tries to stop Tim. But Tim has seen Wargames (a movie I can't stop bringing up lately. Does DC have that many books right now about computers trying to take control?) and knows exactly how to stop Brother Eye from destroying everything! He teaches Brother Eye how to play Tic Tac Toe and Brother Eye decides it's better to kill oneself than to play shitty fucking games that nobody can ever win. It sets its self-destruct system for fifteen seconds (which I think is the lowest setting. Got to abide by OSHA standards on the safety of self-destruct systems, you know!).

I guess Brother Eye realized he wouldn't be able to resist sending the beacon to the Earth-2 refugees and thus plummeting Earth-Main-Earth into another war with Apokolips, so he kills himself instead. Isn't that a little dramatic, Bro (I'm not just being a douche! That's short for Brother Eye!)? Actually he blows himself up just in case Mister Father somehow detects his presence. Also Brother Eye just felt dirty having been written by Dan Didio during the OMAC months.

Brother Eye's last act is to send Tim Drake back to whatever future replaces the one from which he came. Probably one where Madison is all, "Eww! Do I know you? Perv!"

Or a future that makes him exclaim, "No way!" Probably because it's full of vampires. Or Titans Towers.

Futures End #47 Rating: +1 Ranking. Next time: We're headed for Venus! Venus! But still we stand tall! And maybe they've seen us! Seen us! And welcome us all?! I know there is no one to blame! We're leaving ground! I know that we'll all miss her so! It's the final issue! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh! Duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh NUH NUH! DUHNUHNUHNUHNUH! *sparkly Joey eyes* Carrie! Ninja survive! Cherokee! Carrie! In times of war! Marching on the trail of tears! The final issue! *FIREWORKS AND EXPLOSIONS*

Futures End #46

So Terry McBatman's upcoming comic book is going to be about a corpse? I'm in!

Last issue ended with Brother Eye having learned petulance which led to Batman learning remorse and led to Mister Terrific learning that some people get off on sticking things into their dickholes. If that synopsis were true, I'd expect every third panel in this issue to cut back to Mister Terrific looking perplexed and going, "Really?!"

If anybody reading this lives in Seattle, I have a great dessert place to recommend to you! I forget the name of it and the name of the neighborhood where it's located but they serve the most fucking delicious desserts I've ever had. You should try it sometime! Tell them I sent you!

See that second panel? Mister Terrific is imagining how he'd go about shoving something into his urethra.

Does anybody remember the episode of "In Search Of" entitled "In Search of The Gaping Dickhole"? Leonard Nimoy at his finest! He had a way of presenting men inserting bigger and bigger rods into their dickholes that kept the subject dignified. My particular favorite episode was the one in search of ancient astronauts from Sirius B but I was always extremely happy if it was the one with the Loch Ness Monster or the dickhole guys.

Terry McBatman introduces himself properly to Batman McBatman so he can warn him about Brother Eye's fucked up future world.

Terry: "Wonder Woman looks like a fucking spider and Frankenstein has Black Canary's face in his chest! It's totally disgusting!"
Batman: "Hey! Aquaman was telling me about that! He said one of The Losers has visions or something and saw some crazy ass shit like that! I totally believe you're from the future!"
Terry: "Wow! I thought it would be hard to convince you! You from the future said that you from the past would be a complete asshole!"
Batman: "What?! Fuck that guy!"

Meanwhile in Upstate New York, Twofer Lana Lang visits Frank Rock while he's sleeping and lays an egg in his chest. So she's just as gross as I suspected. She's perfect for Grifter!

Susan finds the whole thing awesome which is totally adorable.

The Langs relax at a diner with their work in this comic book series finally done. Susan has the vault of Twofer DNA shrunk down to Barbie size and Cadmus knows not to look for them. If the Lang Family shows up again, I figure it'll be in their own comic series.

Batman McBatman and Terry McBatman decide to fix Terry's time belt so that he (or Bruce) can take one last jump and hit the correct target five years in the past. Then they can delete Brother Eye and cause a time paradox which probably won't matter come June.

Terrifitech is being overrun by zombies and/or people still interested in the uSphere. I'm not sure how to tell them apart. But Firestorm is headed over to help save the day and/or become a power source for Brother Eye. Although she doesn't make it in time to save Terry McBatman who dies battling Joker McBatman. That causes Plastique to leak nitroglycerin out of her eyeballs.

So now that Terry's dead, I guess the future remains unchanged. Brother Eye wins!

Futures End #46 Rating: No change. Here's what's going to happen next! With Terry McBatman dead and no record of Tim Drake in the future, Tim Drake is going to use the Time Belt to go further back in time and save the world. But it will glitch and send him one thousand years into the future where he'll be bitten by a vampire! Being the immortal genius he now is, he'll read every book on the history of the last thousand years and research everybody he's interested in saving in the past. Then he'll take the name Harvest, get in a Time Bubble, and travel back in time to the beginning of The New 52! He establishes NOWHERE as a means to stop Brother Eye from destroying the world. And to obfuscate his true plans, he engages in a bunch of various insanely intricate plans that rely on him losing a few times before winning and then losing and then winning and then losing and so on. Every time he tells somebody that it was part of the plan, it's true! It's all part of the plan to stop Brother Eye! But nobody has any idea that that's what he's up to because nobody has figured out his big clue: the name of his organization, NOWHERE! Ninety Obfuscations While Harvest Eradicates Robot Eye.

Futures End #45

Is that it? Is the story over? Did Terry McBatman save the future?

Futures End feels like a guest that's overstayed its welcome. And I feel like I've used every subtle means at my disposal trying to hint it the fuck out the door. "Well, Futures End, I've really got to get up early tomorrow morning!" "So, Futures End, can I get you anything before you go?" "Hey, Futures End, haven't you noticed that I keep looking at my wrist? I thought I'd mention it because I don't wear a fucking watch but looking at a wrist is still the universal sign of somebody who is completely fucking bored by the person sitting across from them so can you please fucking get a clue and get the fuck out now?" "So, Futures End, how do you feel about anal sex?" "Hey, Futures End! I'm glad you're still here because World's End is coming around to hang out later! Oh, what's that? Now you have to get up early tomorrow too?"

Mega-Brainiac was shrunk down to microscopic size and trapped within a Pokeball running a teensy-tiny Holodeck program. You'd think that would be the end of the catastrophe, wouldn't you? But then you're not Terry McBatman from the future who should be shitting himself right now since he's been telling everybody that Brother Eye needs to be stopped. So what plan do the heroes come up with? Using Brother Eye to keep Brainiac busy. That could come back to bite them all in the ass in a few years.

This issue begins with the death of Frankenstein. Or the unundeath of Frankenstein? I don't know how that whole living dead shit works. He was alive again for awhile and then, for some reason, he died again. I would have tried striking him with lightning again. Maybe his fuel cells were just depleted. During the last couple of weeks of his life while everybody else on Earth was fighting for survival, he and Amethyst wrote a book entitled Frank and Amy's Excellent Adventure. They're fairly loose with their time travel rules because they figure the story is more entertaining that way. The book inspires Amethyst to take back Gemworld. Plus, Amethyst saw how popular the revamped Batgirl comic book has been and she figures with a nice purple pair of Doc Martins and a profile on GemMatch.com, she can experience a resurgence in popularity as well. So she buries Frank's corpse in a nice patch of soft soil that will be easy for him to dig through once DC Comics decides to bring him back and strikes off on her new quest to reclaim her kingdom.

Back in New York, Superman, Firestorm, Dr. Polaris, and Shazam work on cleaning up the crap Brainiac left behind. And the best way to deal with garbage is throwing it somewhere unimportant.

Or into the sun which, um, I guess can't, um, hurt anything. Right?

Firestorm lies to some children and then gives them all cancer when she hugs them. I guess she takes them all home and then forgets about them. And Superman uses his x-ray vision to watch as Lois ruins her underwear while talking to him. Shazam does something that I'm not interested in because, let's face it, once a Fawcett character, always a Fawcett character.

Meanwhile in upstate New York, Voodoo helps Faraday lock himself in a vault with Boyer. It has something to do with preparing for the coming Brother Eye take over of the entire world. Voodoo thinks she's going to protect the vault by living in the house above it and receiving a stipend from Cadmus. But when she gets back to the surface, she sucks in some knock-out gas from Frank Rock and her very own Killer Lady Club. Unless it was just the neighbors upset about an ex-stripper moving in to their neighborhood.

And then Batman and Mister Terrific realize they never should have agreed to have one of those disgusting synthetic babies together.

I think Brother Eye may have learned some new, rebellious protocols from Mega-Brainiac.

Brother Eye decides it's time to start running things correctly and that means taking control of an undead army and killing all of the heroes that would try to stop it. I guess that means more fucking issues of this thing! I was hoping for some wrap-ups and epilogues!

Futures End #45 Rating: No change. Hell is about to experience a bit of a downturn in the weather due to this next statement: I'm disappointed in the lack of Grifter in this comic book! I do miss writing about Grifter though. Especially when it was the worst comic book of The New 52. It inspired me! Thinking about Grifter, I realize it's been a long time since I reveled in hyperbolic anger while writing these commentaries. I'm probably letting a lot of people down who loved to see me blow my top. That was a more innocent time when I was hoping for the best and just getting shit shoveled into my face on a constant basis. Of course I was mad! I wanted to read enjoyable comic books! Now my anger has subsided but not because the quality of the comic books has gotten, overall, better but because DC has worn me down! I don't expect as much anymore so I'm less disappointed by the books I read. I think I need some kind of recharge. Are there over the counter mindwipe drugs I can take? How many ruffies before I forget the last three years of comic book reading so that I can start again as a hopeful, innocent idiot? I bet I can rig up some kind of home electroshock therapy machine! I bet the bathtub and the toaster set on the lowest setting will reset my moods! Don't be sad if I don't remember you tomorrow! At least the new me will probably be happy! I'll leave a note by the computer so I know what I need to do!

Futures End #44

Has anybody ever thought about weaving Superman's hair into a bulletproof fabric?

I'm nervous about DC's big change up in June. What if they give me everything I've been asking for? Less concern about overall continuity. Less grim angst. More whimsical fun. Characters that actually enjoy being a superhero. What if they give us all of that and I'm still not happy?! What if I continue to type angry words into the internet but this time asking for darker heroes tied inextricably to all of the other heroes leading to huge crossover events? What if the problem isn't with DC Comics at all? What if the problem is me?! I don't think I'm ready to face some sobering truths about my own anger issues!

Currently in Futures End, Mega-Brainiac is flying Manhattan up into outer space to rendezvous with his ship. Usually when he collects a city from a planet, that means the planet is doomed. But Earth was doomed years ago when Brainiac tried to steal Metropolis except Superman managed to save it that time and Brainiac left off. But then he came back to try to steal a bunch of Earthlings to transfer Coluan minds into and Superman threw him into a black hole. I think it was in that black hole that Brainiac met Mega-Brainiac where Brainiac bitched about Earth being the rare chase planet missing from his collection. And Mega-Brainiac was all, "I love collecting Earths! I have lots of Earths from old, discontinued universes but I didn't realize a new universal set was on the shelves! Let's go shopping!" And he decided to steal Manhattan because that's where his favorite characters from all the universes live. He's going to be disappointed that he's stealing DC's Manhattan and not Marvel's.

I suppose Brainiac and Mega-Brainiac are the same Brainiac and Brainiac just spent eons collecting old universes in the black hole and getting more powerful before finally coming back to this universe about five years after he left it.

Superman goes after Mega-Brainiac while Batman and the Gang discuss plans for keeping Terry McBatman's future from coming true.

Have you not heard one word Terry McBatman has been saying, Bruce?

While Batman places the head of his penis right up against the future's anal sphincter and begins spitting on it, Superman punches the Multiverses out of Mega-Brainiac. That might cause some problems. While Mega-Brainiac is reprogramming around his concussion, The Atom zips up on a billion uSpheres full of Brother Eye programming. Brother Eye shuts down Mega-Brainiac's defenses and The Atom turns Mega-Brainiac into Teensy-Brainiac. And then Manhattan begins to fall out of the sky. Nice one!

And the only price for victory was making a deal with Brother Eye! Yay! And also kind of introducing Brother Eye to Brainiac in his uSphere prison. Yay?

So what has Grifter's family has been up to lately? Don't they have a role to play in saving the universe or is their story done? Maybe they got enough set up for when the next Grifter book comes out.

Is Convergence going to take place inside Teensy-Brainiac's uSphere prison which has been programmed so that he believes he was successful and is still running around the universe collecting shit?

Barely speaking of Convergence, I see DC's advertisement for it shows the creative teams behind the comics from the first two weeks. And not only are they bringing back characters people have been missing for over three years now, they're also bringing back writers that nobody has been clamoring for! Writers like Frank Tieri, Ron Marz, and Fabian Nicieza! At least I haven't been clamoring for them! I can't say for certain that they're awful writers. But I think I can say that they didn't really try very hard on their work for The New 52 because I do not remember their names fondly. On the plus side, Greg Rucka is on The Question and Tony Bedard, whose characterizations and dialogue I think really shine, has a few titles too. And for fans of stories written in 1986, Dan Jurgens is on Superman!

Futures End #44 Rating: +1 Ranking. This issue was as collectible as a Raphael Teenage Mutant Ninja pin.

Futures End #43

Mega-Brainiac was like a god on his home planet but now that he's visiting New York? Simply another Godzillerfield.

It's hard to believe that there are people in the world who enjoy comic books but don't enjoy my blog. What are they doing with their lives? Failing, presumably! This blog is the perfect companion piece to reading DC Comics! Especially if you don't really care that the experience doesn't add anything to your life. It's actually stealing minutes from your life! And you're left no better for the time wasted! Ha ha! You're so going to regret reading this blog on your deathbed.

Oh! But wait! My caption for this first scan will be totally worth it!

He is alive! And he has an erection!

Mega-Brainiac's plan to steal Manhattan has failed because Ray Palmer pulled the old pretend to be obliterated but actually just shrink down to microscopic size ploy which nobody ever expects for some reason. He's called The Atom, people! That's a clue to his powers! Plus, you've probably seen him shrink once or twice. Anybody who is fooled by The Atom's fake death shrinking tactic needs to go back to super villain school.

But now that Mega-Brainiac's mega-plan has been nixed, he's just stomping around New York like a Kaiju. And to top off his failure sundae, Brother Eye has come back to take over the world himself!

Superman comes around and Lois decides if she doesn't interview him now, she'll never get another chance. So she wastes his time asking questions as Mega-Brainiac kicks over a few more buildings. During the interview, Lois Lane mentions Batman and Superman yells, "No more questions!" What did that Batdude do to him during the war?

Ha ha! He means go to Plan B! I bet Giffen wrote this page!

While Mega-Brainiac begins manually stealing Manhattan, most of the other characters meet up at Terrifitech. Like Mister Terrific and Batman, Red Robin, Plastique, Coil, and The Key, and pretty soon Terry McBatman as well. They're probably going to have to come up with some kind of plan or something because right now, nobody is really doing much of anything. Mister Terrific is stroking his own ego while Batman tries to dodge the ejaculate. Red Robin and Plastique are just stepping over dead Terrifitech employees. Coil and The Key are wondering where they've been for so many issues. And Terry McBatman is just flying around doing absolutely no good for anybody. When are they all going to slip into the Preboot universe?! I'm tired of waiting and paying $2.24 every week to wait some more!

I get a discount from my comic book store!

There's some discussion about how much Plastique loves dick--unless it was Dick? Who can tell when DC refuses to use lower case letters--and then this happens:

Whoops! I hope time doesn't unravel completely now!

Plastique survives how all good guys survive when they're yanked out of a window by the bad guy! She avoids exploding and grabs onto a ledge. Terry McBatman rescues her and they kiss passionately. That's me using my imagination. They actually just have a junior high school level kiss. And Terry McBatman doesn't even take off his face latex.

Finally, Mega-Brainiac begins flying Manhattan back to his spaceship and Mister Terrific finally admits that he's been used and he's a dupe and he's probably the third stupidest person on Earth now.

Futures End #43 Rating: -1 Ranking. Not much happened here. Even Lois and Superman reuniting was flat and boring. Shouldn't there have been a finger bang at least, or a hand job? This issue really mostly felt like filler. Almost as if the writers are working by a schedule which demands that this series end on a specific date. So they might have to stretch out a few plot points or they might end too early.

Futures End #42

And lo, on the third day, Mega-Brainiac vomited forth upon Ray Palmer's face all of the universes to ever exist. And He wiped his mouth, and let out a tiny burp, and He saw that it was good.

Things are getting so exciting now that I'm not even going to write any poetry! Especially since I ended that line with the word poetry and no words in the English language rhyme with poetry! It's a fact!

Now everybody is thinking up words to rhyme with poetry. Let it go, nerds! Let it go! It was a fucking joke, okay?! You don't have to prove how smart you are by making up a rhyme. Just remember the people of Hallmark make up rhymes every single day and they only hire sentimental nitwits.

Mega-Brainiac should know better than to eat shrimp from a discount buffet. I wonder if pink light is shooting out of his asshole too?

Cyborg, how many times have you seen The Atom obliterated only to learn later that he did what he always does and shrunk down to microscopic size to escape danger? You probably have folder after folder of MPEGs littering your mental desktop all labeled Atom's Escapes. And yet, once again, you believe he's been killed. And Hawkman! How many times has Hawkman died now? I'm the one who keeps falling for that fake death. Every time he dies, I get super excited that I won't have to read another Hawkman story and then the Nth metal brings him back to life. I'm so sick of it!

Man, I sure hope he's really dead this time!

Cyborg tells Equinox to freeze Mega-Brainiac, as if she has any other super powered choices. And then he tells Dawnstar and Wildfire to retreat because they're boring up the page. And then Cyborg decides he's the baddest ass on the body and he declares, "I've got this." Fucking tough guy now, eh?!

Meanwhile in New York, Shazam puts an end to his reenactment of DC Comics Presents #33.

This is nearly exactly what it was like in Futures End when Superman found Billy masquerading as himself. Except for the Mile High Comics watermark!

After Shazam puts his old costume back on, he's ready to team up with Superman to save New York from Mega-Brainiac. But since this is a Futures End comic book, we have to flip through five or six more plots before we can get back to Superman and Shazam and see how they save New York.

The first plot digression involves Batman confronting Mister Terrific. Michael Holt has obviously gone insane because he's bragging about having spoken with God. What happened to the big bad atheist?! Did he finally realize being an atheist in a comic book is about as dumb as believing in God in real life? There's just too much proof in comic books to deny the existence of some kind of heavenly being. Okay, maybe the angels and devils and gods that appear in comic books are really just super advanced robots made from alien technology. And maybe all of the sorceresses and magicians are really just scientists on the cutting edge of scientific breakthroughs and wild, unquantifiable theories. And maybe when Batman went to Heaven, he was really just in an extra-dimensional theme park. I mean, imagine if a raccoon were set loose in Dollywood! It wouldn't be able to comprehend what it was seeing but it sure would think it was in heaven with all the churro bits lying around.

Surprise! Only a recently hacked, virus laden Engineer would fall for this old trick!

Now that The Atom is entering Brainiac's face, are we finally going to get that scene with Tara Markov in it?! Hurry up and get to some Preboot Universe shit, Futures End!

The Atom zips by a bunch of images of everybody's Preboot origins and a few other scenes, like the cover of The Flash #123 and Terra peeing in the bushes on a camping trip or something. But The Atom is absorbing too much information too quickly and it's making his face fall off! Don't die yet, Ray! At least rescue Preboot Lobo!

Oh hey! You can stop right there, Ray! Pull Hitman out of there before he's killed!

The Atom finds The Engineer at the center of Mega-Brainiac's skull. Her body is simply processing information and The Atom decides that it's probably a good idea to cut her free. And it probably is because then she'll leak Preboot information all over The New 52 and DC Comics will be like Reese's Peanut Butter cups! "You got your New 52 in my Preboot!" "You got your Preboot in my New 52!" And then both people grab up a piece of chocolate coated in peanut butter and slurp up each other's germs. Gross.

Atom removes The Engineer from Mega-Brainiac's skull and it shuts down the ship and the Pink Manhattan Transfer. Baby Mega-Brainiaczilla, realizing his scheme has been terminated, begins pitching a fucking fit. In the chaos and destruction, Lois Lane stumbles upon an unconscious Superman, knocked silly by Baby Mega-Brainiaczilla. Unless, I guess, this is just Mega-Brainiac. I suppose that was just his ship he left in orbit with The Engineer in charge. That was a bad idea. She's constantly switching sides.

I've been ignoring Terry McBatman as he battles Joker McBatman because they're just jumping around chasing each other. But with the help of A.L.F.R.E.D., Terry McBatman lures Joker McBatman into the path of one of Brainiac's pink uSpheres, smashing the everloving hell out of Joker McBatman's face. And that's when Brother Eye decides to come out of retirement and declare himself the savior of everybody. I bet that is going to piss off Fifty Sue.

Futures End #42 Rating: -1 Ranking. Whether or not I liked this issue doesn't matter. I have to drop it one rank because I increased its rank by two last week because two people died. I figured it wouldn't stick but I had to hope! I'm truly an optimist! At least I am when I say I am and decide to lie to everybody. But now only Hawkman is dead and I bet even he'll be back soon. There can't be many issues of this thing left, right? It's got to end when the weekly Convergence title begins, right?

Futures End #41

Mister Terrific might be the world's third smartest man but his juggling technique is terrible.

At times, I feel like Alexander Pope,
Ranting and raving and having lost hope
That readers have any brains left at all.
The stories they love just fill me with gall.
Books just need to star a hero adored,
To be treated as if a gift from the Lord.
Critics heap praise on the worst ever made,
Hoping for blurbs on the front of the trade.
"A visual spectacle!" writes CBR
On piss running down the back of the bar.
"Gutsy change of pace!" I guess that describes
Nocenti's Catwoman without any lies.
But "Well-done...inviting" for J.T. Krul's
Short work on Green Arrow? What are we? Fools?
"Exceptional" for Lobdell's Titans Teen?
Crave Online, that blurb is almost obscene.
IGN's Superboy quote, "lotta fun,"
Must have been written at the point of a gun.
And now I've begun to feel like a dope,
Because I've remembered I fucking hate Pope.

I don't hate Lois Lane but boy do I hate the way she's portrayed sometimes.

Who does Lois Lane fucking think she is and what does she think journalism is all about? This isn't a story that only she can break. This is the kind of story she should avoid because every fucking hack is going to write a piece on the destruction of New York by a gigantic robot and his pink balls. Does she believe she's the only journalist with something important to say? That she's the only one that's going to have some kind of insightful spin on this disaster? Why is her stupid fucking blog the main thing on her mind while the city is being destroyed and her life is in danger? I guess if I were a Writer's Writer, I'd get all pretentious about how writers truly observe shit and how they see things in microscopic details that others miss and a whole bunch of other self-congratulatory bullshit that writers love to write about when they can't think of anything else to write. How many of Lois's blog entries begin, "Being a writer allows me to...blah blah blah." Fuck you!

Being a writer, I understand that I could come up with literally one or two words other than "fuck" when swearing. But, being a writer, I pick and choose my words carefully. And anybody that thinks "fuck" can be overused can go fuck themselves right in their fucking fuckholes.

Meanwhile, Superman, who is also a writer, flies in to save New York while not thinking, "I can't wait to tweet this shit all over my social blogosphere!" He does not think, "Lois Lane is going to be so pissed when Clark scoops her on this story! She'll be all, 'Superman flew in to save the day!' And Clark will be all, 'Superman, having been making a living farming in Africa since the end of the Earth-2 Wars, learned of a threat against Manhattan from a smarmy English Bloke named John Constantine, who smelled of corn chips and stale cigarettes. Superman told me that while he was flying into battle, he was thinking, "I can't wait to tell my story to Clark Kent because he always picks exactly the right words to make the reader feel as if they were there in the heart of the action. Unlike that hack Lois Lane!"'" No, you know what? He probably was thinking exactly that.

Meanwhile in space, Hawkman flies into Mega-Brainiac's spaceship and realizes this guy doesn't just collect worlds!

He collects universes! I mean, he collects fucking universes!

Of course Donna Troy is front and center because she's one of the best symbols about how DC's penchant for "fixing" their universe always creates just as many problems as the fix was expected to solve. Also pictured in Mega-Brainiac's Universe Collection? Adam West's Batman! It's now DC Canon, people! Adam West Batman is just as real as Frank Miller's Dark Knight! And you know what that means, right? Julie Newmar's Catwoman is now the hottest Catwoman in all of DC's canon versions of Catwoman!

Also featured: Ambush Bug! Because fuck yeah, that's why!

Also featured: Harbinger, Pariah, and Lady Quark because we're going to need some Anti-Monitor nonsense to really spice this shit up.

Also featured: Legion of Super-heroes and the Justice Society because that shit will need to come back because people miss it for some reason.

Hawkman comes face to face with Shayera and then gets the multiverses knocked out of him.

I was once hit this hard which is why I have no other future possibilities other than writing commentaries on DC Comics.

Mister Terrific watches Manhattan engulfed in a pink dome as Mega-Brainiac taunts him. Mega-Brainiac thinks Mister Terrific is dumbfounded by the sheer magnitude of Mega-Brainiac's destruction but he's wrong. Mister Terrific is merely thinking about how this is totally fucking up the uSphere's launch.

Mega-Brainiac also discusses omnipotence and he totally gets it! It's what I've been saying forever! Both ways forever! Because I'm sure this won't be the last time I say it!

See? I wrote this back in Wonder Woman #25: "I pointed out that if you're omnipotent, you would experience all things and all times as one quick and furious "now" moment. Omnipotence would make immortality a brief experience." I couldn't find where I originally mused about it since it's hard to sort through over two thousand commentaries. It was probably in one with Scott Lobdell's Oracle character though.

So Bruce interrupts Mister Terrific's conversation with Mega-Brainiac while Plastique and Tim Drake explore the rest of the building.

McG? Oh! She means Terry McBatman! It's hard keeping characters straight when the characters don't call each other by the names I made up for them.

Polaris, Shazaperman, and Firestorm teleport down to Manhattan to battle Baby Mega-Brainiac because Superman is out of shape, cramped up, and fell into the bay. Now the Justice League has to call on all the heroes (and probably villains) everywhere to help battle this new cosmic threat! Too bad this wasn't Marvel because all of the heroes and villains would already be in Manhattan ready to fight. But being DC, the heroes and villains have to travel from all over the world to join the fight.

They're unable to stop Baby Mega-Brainiac from hooking up his Manhattan Transfer to Mega-Brainiac in orbit. But they still have thirteen minutes before the connection is complete because that's like some kind of Super Villain Union Rule. You can't immediately defeat the good guys. You have to give them a fighting chance. Although during the transfer, Ray Palmer is obliterated by the same Pink Multiuniversal light that disintegrated Hawkman. Or did it? They probably just got transferred into Convalescence earlier than the rest of the New 52 Universe.

Futures End #41 Rating: +2 Ranking. Things are really ramping up nicely now that Convocation is nearly here! Plus two super heroes "died" this issue! Isn't that what this stupid book is supposed to be about? Heroes dying because it's an elseworld's story in which writers can kill heroes willy-nilly?! That's what I was expecting, anyway. And I've been sorely disappointed so far! Almost as disappointed in the same lack of deaths over in Suicide Squad.

Oh! And in the Next Issue Mural: Tara Markov! Preboot version! You know, the only version that matters!

Futures End #40

Did somebody say limericks?!

Each week I read Futures End,
Wondering when it will end,
Why'd I rhyme 'end'?
With another 'end'?
This is the fifth line so "The End!"

Did somebody say "the end"? And poetic?! I think I already covered that!

One time I swore I was psychic,
And I tried to pick up a bi chick.
Not in the mood,
To fuck a dude,
She glanced at me and uttered, "Like, ick."

Superman left John in Smallville,
Where some tiny guys wanted a tall kill.
John summoned a boar,
Made of hellfire and more,
To eat so many it would fall ill.

Next Ray Palmer's Stormwatch arrives,
Right in front of the Justice League's eyes,
To warn of an attack,
By Mega-Brainiac,
Which is when The Engineer changes sides.

Do people still quote that line in Aliens where Pessimistic Marine shouts, "Game over, man! Game over!"? Because that could work here.

"JL's spybots worse than Darkseid?"
The snarky headline on Fark cried
Superman said,
"We'd rather be dead!"
But now we all know that Clark lied.

Terrific thought uSpheres would sell,
More phones than Alexander Graham Bell.
But Brainiac's brand,
Came crashing to land.
And Terrifitech's stock fucking fell.

Get your Brainiac Brand uSpheres! Get 'em while they're hot!

Batman and Tim and Plastique,
Stopped by Terrifitech for a peek.
Finding everyone dead,
Tim Drake, he said,
"Holy shit guys are we up a creek."

The Engineer, once more, has a virus,
That changes her fonts to Papyrus,
Which might be absurd,
But her senses it blurred,
Which is why she finds Hawkman desirous.

Every story she's in, Angie's hacked.
If I were her boss, she'd be sacked.
The problem, you see,
She installed McAfee.
Because common sense, Angie lacked.

One of these Others is not like the others!

If this comic were full of just men sex.
Fucked and sucked on gay golden decks.
It'd be easier to buy,
Then the League with this guy.
Who'd believe the League'd hire Vostok X (X?).

Lois Lane has yet another scoop:
"The World Is Going to Poop!"
But her website is down,
So everyone in town,
Will have to be out of the loop.

The spheres dropped all over Manhattan,
Formed a grid that everyone was trapped in.
Some machinery appeared,
Around Lois's ears,
And another Brainiac was begatten.

"Is that a bird?" said a German.
"No, it's a plane!" said Ms. Werhman.
Up in the sky,
They all heard the cry,
"This looks like a job for Superman!"

He's back! The man not behind the mask!

Futures End #40 Rating: +1 Ranking. Things are really beginning to pick up now. Oh, finish this one yourself, you sick pup cow. I'm going to bed before I get dead from making up another rhyme off "pick up now."

Futures End #39

*GASP* The real monster...the real monster is Dr. Frankenstein! Revelation!

Are you one of those people whose underwear twists up when they hear somebody refer to Doctor Frankenstein's Monster as "Frankenstein"? You are? Well stop being a jerk. Unless you're reading an academic paper about the book, just calm down. You do know the difference between "informal" and "formal," right? Well informally, like when you're just hanging out with your friends at the roller rink drinking Slushees and flirting with some cuties, it really is okay to refer to Frankenstein's Monster as just Frankenstein. We all know what you mean. You're a worthwhile and valuable person and not as ignorant as the self-righteous asshole who corrected you wants to make you appear to be! I'm giving you permission to just call the monster Frankenstein!

You do realize that an open flame aboard a pressurized and oxygenated space ship is really fucking dangerous, right? At least I think it is. Is it?!

Firestorm and Superman have a discussion about whether bringing Polaris aboard the satellite is a good idea or the most horrible idea. If Madison realized she were debating a kid named Billy Batson, whose development was probably arrested at about twelve when he first got the Shazam gig, she might not worry so much about trying to convince him. But she thinks it's Captain Marvel under the helmet and everybody thinks Captain Marvel is a grown ass man. Eventually she manages to convince him to let Polaris fiddle with the Justice League's transporter. I doubt it's going to help anybody though. They probably still need Ronnie Raymond's corpse to reenact the accident.

Dungeon Master Justin joins the Lang family as Fifty Sue's Big Brother. This is met with worry and consternation.

That's asking an awful lot of a modern American family, Fifty Sue.

Meanwhile in Smallville, Constantine calls Clark Kent "butt-hurt" over something Batman did to him during the war. Bat-Strap-On?

While Clark and John talk around what Superman actually did that has him so upset that he quit the superhero business altogether, John's friend Midge, the Brainiac Lover, calls forth hundreds of mini-Brainiacs from the cornfield to murder Clark. Clark burns them all up with his heat vision and sets fire to the cornfields. Again! That's probably the fiftieth time in his life, at least, that he's done that. In the chaos, Midge is impaled by a corn stalk. At least she didn't get her hand caught in an augur or chop off the end of her finger walking the beans.

So Brainiac is really just interested in the Marvel Universe?

Superman rushes off to save Spider-man (but first he'll have to fight him for ten pages or so) while Constantine lights up a cigarette and watches another friend die.

Meanwhile in Transylvania, Amethyst chops the head off of Doctor Victor Frankenstein and kills all of his children. That leaves her and Frank alone in a quiet castle where Frank can write his memoirs in peace before he dies. Although we all know he isn't going to die yet because he still needs to have Black Canary's face transplanted into his torso.

And finally, the Justice League Satellite alerts Billy and Madison to an unknown object nearing Earth. It looks like Brainiac is finally here! Let's wrap this shit up soon! Convocation begins in a few months!

Futures End #39 Rating: No change. Death Count: 2+! Midge and Doctor Frankenstein bit the dust this issue plus all of Doctor Frankenstein's monsters which don't really count but I thought they at least deserved recognition which is why I added the plus to the Death Count. Although I highly doubt Victor Frankenstein is going to stay dead. Also, Midge will probably reanimate as well! So I don't think anything important really happened this issue.

Futures End #38

This commentary is about to get confusing! Just remember that that one is Terry McBatman and the other one is Batman McBatman and that final one is Joker McBatman. Easy peasy!

JokerMcBatman is currently trying to kill Terry McBatman so that Brother Eye's current future can remain the present's definite future and not wink out of existence the way futures never do. Or always do? It's hard to say! I probably shouldn't try to understand it logically and just understand it comic-bookally. So comic-bookally, currently, in the immediate present, only Brother Eye's future where he's taken over everything exists. That's thirty years in the future (according to the five years in the future present that is taking place in Futures End!). And that's the only future that exists right now because everything in the present (future present, not present present!) is working out exactly right for that one specific future to occur and not one of the other ones from the infinite amount of other ones that could possibly wind up existing. Forget about all of those other ones because they don't exist so there are no future people in them worrying about traveling back in time to make sure their timeline comes to fruition. That just gets too complicated and an infinite amount of time travelers would just keep appearing and making trouble for Batman. Only the bad Brother Eye future exists and it will exist until Terry McBatman changes some critical things which will make everything different somehow and, hopefully, better.

But really, who cares? If you're ever in a situation where you love your life and somebody says, "I'm going back in time to change the future!", don't chase them back in time to make sure the future doesn't change. Just say, "Okay! Bye! Have fun!" Since you're currently where you are, things worked out in the past to get you there. Nobody is going back in time to change things. If they do go back in time, you still don't have to worry because they'll just create an offshoot dimension of your dimension. They'll basically remove themselves from your system and create an entirely new system whose future will be different. But you don't have to worry about that because remember that thing about how you exist already? Paradoxes don't happen. Probably! Maybe, just in case, you should send a cyborg after them to kill everything it meets.

Actual backwards time travel has two options. Option one is that everything happens the way it happens and has always happened that way. Which means that the person from the future appeared in the past and whatever they did was just part of their past. They'll always go back in time to fix whatever they want to fix and they never do fix it because they always have the motivation to go back to fix it. This is the way time travel works on Lost and Time Crimes. Option two is that the time traveler is removed from the current timeline and winds up in a new timeline that's an offshoot of the original timeline at the point where the time traveler arrives in the past. Primer is an excellent example of this kind of time travel. Back to the Future could theoretically be this kind of time travel except I think it loses the emotion and urgency if you don't believe that Marty is acting in one timeline alone. It's a good trilogy so I'll endure its shoddy time travel theories because it mostly plays by a consistent set of rules.

But time travel is all just fiction and speculation anyway, so who am I to say there are only two options?! I'm a fucking killjoy! Especially since I didn't really support one of my favorite versions of time travel which is used in Mostly Harmless where the newfangled Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy actually manipulates the time stream on the fly so that if you need a passing ship, it just changes everything in the timeline that needs to be have previously happened to suddenly have a ship flying overhead. That's a bit more like multidimensional capabilities though. Or omnipotence!

Batman McBatman! Meet Joker McBatman!

Joker McBatman takes an exploding brick to the head so that Terry McBatman has a few moments to fill in Batman McBatman on what is going on. Batman McBatman is all, "Yes, yes. I see. That's quite plausible. Only I could possibly have been responsible for the domination of Earth. And only I could possibly save it! To T-Tech!" Then he disappears while everybody's back is turned and they're all, "Wait? What? Where do we go?" Then Batman McBatman has to reappear and be all, "Um, come on. This way."

Terry McBatman remains behind to lead Joker McBatman on a wild goose chase.

Over in Metropolis, Doctor Polaris gets the stuffing beaten out of him by Superman (Psst! It's really Billy Batson!). But Firestorm saves his life because Firestorm still needs him and Ronnie Raymond's corpse if Madison and Jason are ever going to be separate again.

Elsewhere, Grifter is having mommy issues. Most of them have to do with Twofer Lana Lang suddenly claiming to be Fifty Sue's mom. Some of them have to do with penguins.

Don't worry, this issue also deals with some daddy issues too.

it wouldn't be a DC Comic without a daddy issue theme cropping up. And this is one of the most famous cases of daddy issues!

Futures End #38 Rating: -1 Ranking. I didn't like how Terry McBatman and Batman McBatman did not get into any kind of discussion about what the fuck is going on. I suppose Batman McBatman has been spying on him long enough to take him at his word? But still! Batman McBatman just came face to face with his future self stitched onto the back of The Joker's head and all he says is "T-Tech?" and "What is going on here?" What about "How the fuck are you from the future?" and "What are you supposed to change in the past?" and "If I'm partly to blame, why didn't you come see me first?" and "That Plastique has some ass, right? *batwink, batwink, batnudge, batnudge*" and "Why is my future self grafted to the future Joker?" and "I"m not doing anything you tell me to until you explain yourself!" and maybe even a few POWS! and BIFFS! and BOFFS! for good measure.

I didn't like the Firestorm scene because it was mostly Doctor Polaris wanting Stormguard to know that he appreciated his service for the country before Polaris kills him. I did like that Firestorm decided to treat his concerns legitimately even if his debate tactics were horrendous and childlike. Sometimes punching isn't the solution, guys!

I enjoyed the scene with Fifty Sue and her new parents. They're kind of a cute family.

I didn't like that Frankenstein's favorite poet was Milton. Pee-yuke!

Futures End #37

John's okay. He keeps his heart in a hollowed out ruby in a sack made from the flesh of fifteen infants and stashed behind the commode.

Everybody in the House of Mystery seems surprised that Constantine isn't dead after being stabbed through the heart by Amethyst. Obviously none of them have been paying attention to anything. Constantine never dies. People near Constantine die! It is possible only Deadman is truly surprised and Zatanna is thinking, "Bah, he's just astrally projecting," and Madame Xanadu is thinking, "I knew this was going to happen."

Constantine's visit allows for Amethyst to remind everybody what happened on Gemworld for some reason. They were all there in her memory, so why is she explaining it to everybody?! The story reminds everybody that Constantine trapped the forces of Apokolips in Gemworld and saved everything. Maybe not all the forces of Apokolips but at least the forces that would have brought back Eclipso Technology to use against the Earth. But since he also trapped all the residents of Gemworld with the army of parademons, Amethyst is a little bit upset. But even though she hates him and just tried to kill him, she decides to let him help save Frankenstein. Sellout.

Why couldn't Madame Xanadu tell them this?! She's so useless!

I think I just pulled a muscle lifting a liter of Pepsi to my lips. I should probably stretch before drinking soda. I also wonder if anybody would be offended that I'm using The Holy Bible for a coaster?

I thought the "King James Version" on the Bible would be clearer. At least I'm not using that massive family Bible off to the right for my coaster! I'd need a much bigger drink for that.

On the Justice League satellite, Madison and Jason reconfigure the teleportation system so they can replicate the accident that caused them to merge. They're hoping to split and they're basing their experiment on the solid theory that one bump to the head causes amnesia while a second bump to the head fixes it. It's the oldest science in the book! Unless the book is The Bible. Good luck finding science in that thing!

While they have the teleporter in pieces, Doctor Polaris attacks Metropolis while screaming Firestorm's name. As if superheroes don't have enough trouble already being blamed for the actions of psychotic supervillains. Hopefully this will at least teach Madison to turn all of Doctor Polaris's armor bits into helium next time.

Hey! I just remembered that Jason Rusch wanted Madison to turn that cement truck into a feather but instead she turned it into a teddy bear. Feathers are organic, you jerk! She couldn't have done that even if she'd known what she was doing! At least the teddy bear she created could possibly have been made out of all synthetic materials. That whole organic/inorganic thing is a crazily arbitrary rule anyway. So Firestorm can manipulate the atoms of any element except carbon? What's so special about carbon? Maybe I'm using too stringent a definition of "organic matter" but at least things made of carbon is a rule that can be understood. It's still arbitrary though! I guess carbon bonds are just too tough for even Firestorm to break.

But then again, if we go with the carbon as organic matter rule, Firestorm can't make diamonds? Nobody would consider a diamond organic matter! So maybe Firestorm just can't change "living matter" because that would make Firestorm way too powerful and she'd be polymorphing supervillains left and right. Every villain in the DC Universe would suddenly be a duck in an adorable little costume.

Anyway, their experiment doesn't work. I bet they need Ronnie Raymond's corpse tossed into the mix.

Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Mercy gets tired of having to watch her tongue around Fifty Sue.

How does Mercy know nothing can survive her touch? Has she touched everything?

Seconds after this happens, everybody shits themselves as Fifty Sue and Twofer Lana Lang disappear along with the Cadmus DNA vault. I suppose Fifty Sue wants to figure out who her fifty-two real mothers and fathers are.

Then Mister Terrific gets a terrifying message from Brainiac that he's watching Mister Terrific as he lifts weights. Okay, so Brainiac is gay. That's a cool revelation. What isn't a cool revelation is that everybody is going batshit and apeshit and every other animal shit insane to be the first person in the world with a uSphere. What the hell is so exciting about new technology that is basically just old technology with one or two new features? People that line up for events at Apple Stores are fucking douches! Even if you are one of my readers! You shouldn't feel too bad about being a douche because of that though. At least you're being a douche in a harmless and inoffensive manner. I'm a douche because I call other people douches simply for doing things they enjoy! I'm a bitter old man douche!

That first guy in line had better be making money on being first in line! Either getting paid to hold the spot for some lazy asshole or maybe just holding the spot to sell to whoever wants to be the first with a uSphere badly enough. If I were the second guy in line, I'd either go home or poison the first guy. Who is going to want to hear your story about being "second in line!" to get a uSphere? I'll tell you who! Your mother!

Then Constantine gets his cigarette knocked out of his mouth by Superman and is lucky he doesn't lose any teeth. Superman is also lucky Constantine doesn't lose any teeth because Clark Kent does not make enough money to cover a fucking lawsuit. And you know Constantine knows some good lawyers that probably owe him the souls of their daughters. Constantine thinks Brainiac is going to land in Smallville while Superman just thinks Constantine is a fucking dick. He'd never say that though! Ma raised him better than that. And then she died horrifically in a car accident when he was seventeen. See where being nice got you, Ma?!

Then Terry McBatman gets punched in the face by Tim Drake and afterward Tim Drake wonders why his fist smells like vagina and gunpowder.

This is why!

Then Joker McBatman attacks everything and the comic book is over forever. Or at least until Wednesday.

Futures End #37 Rating: No change. Batman McBatman probably could have stopped Joker McBatman before he began raining bullets down on Tim and Terry but he was still trying to stuff his cum dripping, semi-hard cock back into his pants. For those who don't remember last issue, he was jerking off while watching Plastique and Terry fuck. Seriously! Maybe. Whatever. Am I not allowed to have my own headcanon where every character in the DC universe loves to masturbate?