Teen Titans #1

Damian is going old school Marv Wolfman with his Teen Titans. He's bringing together a bunch of young heroes so they can all deal with his family issues.

In Marv Wolfman's Teen Titans of the 80s, the Titans fought Raven's father, Jericho's father, Changeling's father, Starfire's sister, Wonder Girl's godparents and eventually, as Troia, her son, and all of Dick's Batdaddy issues. Cyborg had some pretty cool grandparents and his father was a dick but I don't think he actively tried to destroy the Teen Titans. He probably had an experiment or two that got out of control though! It's hard to remember the Cyborg issues because he's one of the most boring characters ever created. Even Marv Wolfman became so bored with him that Cyborg spent about four years as a brain-dead, remote-controlled lump of metal. Although that probably had more to do with the then editor, Jon Peterson, who was trying to turn the Titans into the X-men in the 90s. Anyway, now it looks like Damian has put together a team to battle his granddad! Just like old times!

Since Benjamin Percy is writing this series, should we start a pool for how long until he tells us that racism is bad? I've got my money on this first issue!

This issue begins with Damian celebrating his 13th birthday with Alfred and a rabid bat loose in the kitchen. Maybe it's just another of his pets. He probably named it Dadsniff. The sniff is because it always makes him cry when he calls it dad and then he didn't want people to know he was crying so he said the sniff was part of the name. Most of the things I own have sniff in their name!

Percy's characterization of Damian is pathetic! He's showing his emotions and thanking Alfred and enjoying vanilla and strawberry cake! What the hell is this?! Percy had better not turn Damian into Tim Drake Lite or I'll have a stroke! I mean another stroke! I've probably had two dozen since The New 52 began and I decided it was a good idea to read them all. Most of those were caused by Grifter and Ann Nocenti!

Oh! I have an aside! I've never played a single Final Fantasy game and after seeing the commercials for Final Fantasy XV, I'm super glad I never have! All of the characters look like major douchebags!

So the birthday was in the past. The comic book begins in the present where Damian has all of his future friends strung up so he can tell them that he wished to have a superhero team and now they have to help make that wish come true. Most of them will probably be all, "Sure! I'm not mad at you at all for kidnapping me and ruining my life!" Although Starfire might be a little bit upset because she has a terrible temper. Also because she was trying to save some people enslaved by human traffickers when Damian nabbed her.

Since the future Teen Titans don't seem to be angry enough at Damian, he decides to insult them for a bit. He's really proving to be his father's child.

Damian smugly tells each future Teen Titan the reason he was able to catch them all so easily. He's wrong on every account. The reason he was able to catch them because he ambushed them when they weren't suspecting an ambush. Any supervillain worth their death laser knows that you can always defeat the hero in the first issue of a story because they aren't suspecting trouble! It's practically the only way superhero stories begin!

It actually wasn't insightful at all. But Percy nailed how his writing is super annoying!

Damian introduces the kids to his pet Goliath. While he does that, I'm busy wondering if it was wrong to masturbate to Starfire's comic book all those times now that she's about to be a member of the Teen Titans. She's probably twenteen, right? Is that a number that doesn't make me a sex pervert?

Starfire destroys the electro-shackles imprisoning all of the future Teen Titans so that they can get their asses kicked by Damian again. Just like he wants! I'm sure he takes no pride in defeating them all when they weren't suspecting his attack. But he'll definitely take pleasure in destroying them not that he's made them all angry.

Let me take a moment to say this fight that I haven't read yet should end in Damian whimpering naked on the floor as Kid Flash throws his clothes on the lawn and pours bleach on them. Also Damian should have many third degree burns, cobra bites, and severe psychological trauma from a trip through Raven's soulself. But Damian can't lose because Batman never loses and Damian is basically Tiny Batman. I mean, Batman loses sometimes! But he never completely loses! And he definitely never loses when it's a battle against other heroes. Oh, and when the Justice League have to lose in the first issue of a five issue story, Batman is always the last one standing. I wonder if any time somebody says Batman in a meeting at DC, they have to take a break so everybody can change their underwear.

After the fight which consists mainly of Beast Boy getting punched into an octopus, Kid Flash catching that octopus, Raven putting Goliath to sleep, and Starfire shooting one starbolt at Robin and missing, Robin decides to give them the Teen Titan Leader Speech.

Strong?! They didn't do anything as a team! Unless he's just talking about Starfire's crotch from behind game. That really is strong!

Damian declares that they're the new Teen Titans! And Garfield is all, "What the fuck?! If you want a team, you should ask your friends!" And then Doc Holliday is all, "I don't." I mean, Damian is all, "I don't have any friends!" And then everybody is all, "Oh no! Batsniff! Batsniff! Boo hoo!"

After Damian declares he has no friends and he's a virgin and he's a little bit into smothering bats and hiding them around the mansion, he explains how thirteen is supposed to be the worst year of your life. Is that true? Who told him that?! Was Alfred ranting and bullshitting because he was drunk on cooking sherry during Damian's birthday party? I think I had my first major crush when I was thirteen. Before that, I had a few minor crushes like Grace Bamberger and the girl in the Elfquest t-shirt.

And you know the best thing to do with a fist!

It doesn't matter what you thought the best thing to do with your fist is because it was probably way more perverse than what I was thinking. Unless nothing is more perverse than anal fisting?

Damian nailed his characterization of the previous incarnations of the Teen Titans. I'll even allow, being that this is Rebirth, that he's talking about Dick's old team too! Boy what loser jerks those guys were! And three of the members of this team were on that team!

Everybody sort of agrees to be part of the team because Beast Boy likes having friends to joke around with and get foot massages from (apparently), and Raven is super emo and lonely and only pretends to not like hanging out with her friends, and Kid Flash needs to find a place to fit into this universe, and Starfire loves to fuck. So they're all on board!

The story has an epilogue which covers the end of the day on Damian's 13th birthday. It's the day he becomes Tiny Batman but instead of a bat crashing through the window, he lets the bat trapped in the house out. It's symbolic or something! It's like he's pushed his father away to become a man! Except Batman is never around so he Damian had to do this whole symbolic thing instead of the usual thing young boys do where they slit their father's throat and then fuck their mother in his congealing blood.

Oh! There's a double epilogue in this issue! The other epilogue shows graduation day in the League of Assassins. Ra's al Ghul has trained up an elite squad of five assassins who will hunt down the Teen Titans. They're called the Demon's Fist and you all definitely now know the best thing to do with a fist!

The Review!
This is shaping up to be another Teen Titans book where the Titans do nothing heroic at all! They simply gather together to save themselves and emerge from the shadows of their parents (or grandparents (or sisters (or children from the future))). I don't mind so much because this group of Teen Titans has Damian instead of Tim Drake. That automatically makes it better and more interesting and way sexier even though I don't find Damian sexy at all. It's just that Tim Drake was negative sexy. I didn't learn that racism was bad this issue, so I guess I already lost the pool. I'd feel better about the loss if Batcow had made an appearance. When is Kid Flash going to find out that he's got to take care of a cow as part of his duties?

Teen Titans Rebirth #1

The Commentary!
• I was just listening to Josie Long and Robin Ince's podcast Book Shambles while washing the dishes. I believe it's their most recent episode where they speak with Alan Moore. I find that it barely matters what Alan Moore is saying; I could listen to that voice forever. I think maybe he's casting spells as he speaks! I'm only about a third of the way into it (I finished the dishes!) but one of my favorite things he says is about his time on the Swamp Thing. He reminds Josie and Robin that it didn't take a lot to stand out in the late seventies and early eighties because most of it was shit. That's not an exact quote! Comics really were terrible back then! Of course, they were terrible for different reasons in the eighties. And in the nineties. And in the...well, as you can see by my stellar argument, comic books are terrible. But they get better every decade! Okay, some decades they fell all over themselves trying to pass off shitty art with terrible stories because the people running the companies were insane and the people buying the comic books thought they were investment bankers. But ignoring blips like that, generally the overall quality has gotten better. Not as quickly as the quality of independent comic books, of course! That shit was already good in the seventies! Probably earlier but since I wasn't alive and don't currently have access to a time machine or decent research skills, I can't say. In other words, thanks to people like Alan Moore who decided comic books were shit and maybe they should be better, they've gotten better! Despite having a field filled with people just writing as much cliché superhero shit as possible in order to earn a weekly check.

• I know there were greats before Alan Moore! You don't have to get all up in my face about it! But they were only great in relation to the other shitty writers and artists of their time. By today's standards, they fucking sucked, no matter how much your old man mentality wants to yell at me that they didn't! Kirby's Fourth World may have blown your mind way back then but it's not fucking Saga!

• You should try to forget about Alan Moore and other really good writers now or else you'll inevitably begin comparing Benjamin Percy to them. And that's just a recipe for a huge Percy fail. Let's just judge Percy on Percy's own standards. Of course, like Alan Moore, Percy has the benefit of writing the Teen Titans at a time when nearly every Teen Titans story in the last half of the decade have been terrible. How can he fail, right? This shit had better be the Teen Titans version of "The Anatomy Lesson"!

It doesn't get off to a great start.

As a Writer (with a capital "W"!), I can read something and immediately know its quality! This opening page is Benjamin Percy doing the least amount of work he needs to do to get his point across. You might think, "Hey! That's smart! Brevity is the spice of wit! or whatever! He's being economical! Now that's writing!" Okay. Sure. He's only got twenty pages and a bunch of characters to introduce. Why not do the least work possible to get it all out of the way? It's such a simple concept, this works just fine. Beast Boy surrounds himself with other people because he hates himself. He acts like a big shot who's having fun because he's really crying inside. This explains that. Good job.

It's just...well, it's just so on the nose. It's as if Percy doesn't trust the audience to read anything more subtle than spelling out that Beast Boy is alone even though he's surrounded by other people. It's just so cliché to have the rich kid buying friends yet lacking any real friendship. It's just the kind of thing that makes me read quickly past the page while thinking, "Yeah, yeah. Got it." It certainly doesn't try to get me emotionally invested in his pain. Although, that also might be the last five years of reading a shitty Beast Boy talking. Why the fuck would I like this asshole? Hell, he's still fucking tainted from Marv Wolfman's eighties version of him that I've been rereading lately because I guess I hate myself. I'm smiling so wide, it hurts. Also people are getting really creeped out by it.

• Anyway, Garfield is still mourning Tim Drake's death and remembering how Tim said his greatest weakness was his need for an audience. He also says he spent his uncle's money on this stuff. Who is his uncle? Is Steve Dayton not super rich and his father? You know why I don't know these things? Because none of the previous New 52 writers of this series gave a shit about building the lives of these characters!

It's getting better! That's a good use of images versus Narration Boxes! Plus a woman in her underwear!

• Gar scares the naked girl out of the pool and possibly the poop out of the naked girl. Then a shadowy figure electrocutes the pool and knocks out Gar, saying, "One down. Three to go." So Tim went around talking to people trying to get them to join the Teen Titans. It's fitting that Damian Wayne is just going to go around and force them to join. Best Robin ever!

• Next on the list: Starfire! Starfire has decided, apparently, that friendship and fun and fucking are too complicated and now the only way she feels comfortable on Earth is by working. Well, she's really changed! Unless her work is fucking friends for fun!

• Starfire's work is stopping human trafficking. Well, that sucks. Why did Percy have to bring such a serious issue into this comic book? Can't he save that shit for Green Arrow?! Now I'm going to have to ignore the fact that Damian has kidnapped Starfire away from doing something important to join a stupid club of superheroes who never actually do any real superheroing! Starfire was just about to do some before she was kidnapped by Damian! Not that she's been kidnapped yet. I'm still at the part of her story where she has all of her clothes on. She'll probably take them all off on the next page, right?

• Darn it. This Starfire is boring.

• Starfire is captured when a mysterious hand reaches out and incapacitates her with electricity. He then says, "That was shockingly easy." Since when did Damian start getting into puns?! That's more of a Dick thing to do!

Next up: Raven! And her cute little skull barrettes!

• Damian uses Goliath to help get Raven by shooting her with a Ketamine Dart and then letting her trip out on Goliath. She passes out in terror from the demonic sight. Seems a bit harsh since her father was a demonic intergalactic rapist. At least he didn't use electricity again! I wonder how he'll trap Wally? Magic mirror? Weather machine? Freeze Ray? Boomerang?

• Damian tricks Wally with the old "canister of gas disguised as a kid passed out on the subway tracks." And just like that, Damian has captured the new Teen Titans! That's a pretty good start for an incarnation of the Teen Titans. The first rule of Teen Titans is "You are going to constantly get your ass beat by a kid named Robin." Is that a rule? I'm not sure that's a rule. But it is what always happens.

Discounting Bedard, this might be the best Teen Titans' interaction since The New 52. I said might!

• Robin reveals himself with Goliath standing behind him. I'm sure they'll all be quite understanding in the first issue regarding his recruitment methods. I hope Titus, Alfred Pennyworth the Cat, and Batcow are also somewhere in the Teen Titans new headquarters.

The Ranking!
+1! So far, so good! This was a well done Rebirth book. It acquaints new readers (and old ones confused by The New 52 Teen Titans) with the members of the team. It hits on all the pertinent information of each character, even if it's a bit heavy-handed on certain character traits that I suppose Percy will be concentrating on with each character. But all in all, this did what a Rebirth title is supposed to do. Characters introduced! Premise set up! Everything is ready to roll for Issue #1. Oh, and Damian completely starts off on the wrong foot with everybody. So perfect. He's the Robin nobody likes and he just doesn't give a shit. At least not yet! He's getting to the age where he'll stop being a smarmy little pre-teen and start realizing he wants the affection and camaraderie of his peers! Poor little confused boy has a long, hard road in front of him after this recruitment disaster.

Secret Origins #7

"Featuring The Flash and more"? How bad must the other origins be for DC to not want to include them on the cover?

The Flash
This origin is easy! Barry Allen gained his powers on that day he bumped into the shelves housing all of the chemicals and they went crashing down against each other like dominoes, spilling dangerous mixtures and shattering glass containers all across the floor of the police lab. When his Sergeant came in screaming, "What the fuckity fucking fuck is fucking going the fuck on in fucking here?!", Barry Allen panicked and said, "Er...lightning!" Then the Sergeant said, "Well, don't fucking let it happen again!" And stormed out of the room, slamming the door. And then Barry Allen was struck by lightning while standing in the chemicals and all the windows shattered and furniture exploded and Barry somehow survived. His Sergeant slammed the door back open and yelled, "BAAAAAARRRRRRYYYYY!" Then Barry looked at the camera and shrugged his shoulders while holding up his outstretched palms and Captain Singh played his sad trombone somewhere in the station.
[[MORE]]
This version of Barry's secret origin begins with the most important part of Barry's origin that I can't believe I left out: PUNS! I mean, just mentioning running or being fast or being late or being quick or slow or whatever isn't really a pun but I don't know what else to call it! Sucking up to the Speed Force? Anyway, Barry likes to remember his mother on the day he had to run a race in school. See? They mentioned running! Where's my niece so I can slap her? Because that was a real niece-slap'er! Now that's a pun!

It's also the last thing Barry's mom ever said to him!

Barry is portrayed as a real momma's boy with a flair for the dramatic and a serious penchant for worrying! Maybe that's just because Barry is remembering the story of that day through an adult that knows the story ends with his dead mother all dead and stuff. Killed! Murdered! Some would even say it was...WIFEACIDE!

The police showed up to the murder scene and told Barry's father, "We're gonna run you in! Get it?!" And Barry's dad said, "That was some quick thinking, you guys!" And the cops were all, "Us cops got ta work on our race relations!" And Barry's dad was all, "Before you run me in, can I hug my son real fast?" And one of the policemen said, "Speed it up, buddy!" And Barry was all, "OH MY GOD MY MOTHER IS DEAD AND MY FATHER IS GOING TO JAIL AND MY LIFE IS RUINED!"

Was that a pun? Calling it an "open and shut" case when the door was obviously not opened or shut properly? Also, why is this kid noticing evidence at the scene that the police didn't notice?

Barry puts police tape all around the house where his mother was murdered so he can preserve the crime scene until after he grows up and gets a degree in forensics. That's what he feels he has to do after seeing the way the Central City Police arrived on the murder scene and said, "Who here isn't a dead body?" Then when Barry's dad raised his hands, they said, "Whelp, you must be the killer then."

Then one day, Barry Allen was struck by lightning and doused by chemicals! He had become...THE STREAK! I mean, THE FLASH!

As a Crime Scene Investigator, Barry has all the skills he needs to design a suit that can resist huge amounts of friction and can shrink down to fit inside of a ring. Probably. I don't know where else he got those skills. He spends some time jerking off police officers with his words. Hey Barry! Don't you think it's time we all stop worshiping the ideal of what a police officer should be and start facing the reality of what they've actually become? Shouldn't we start noticing how the only people they're protecting and serving are themselves? Don't look up to cops, Barry, to find your inspiration. Be better than them.

The Flash Secret Origin Rating: I feel like I just rewatched The Flash pilot on the CW! At the end of The Flash's story to his dad, he has a memory of seeing some person standing in the shadows in the room where his dad was cradling his mom's dead body. I bet that was Pre-Flashpoint Flash! That jerk ruined everybody's good time while trying to save his mother from getting killed! And why would he want to save his mother anyway? Does he not want to be The Flash anymore? Does he hate being a Forensic Scientist? Does he hate having to take a day out each month to go visit his father in Iron Heights? I know that would drive me crazy! And then once you're there, you have to pretend to care about this person simply because he's your father? Ugh! I'd rather sleep in!

The Huntress
Does Earth-2 The Huntress even need a Secret Origin? Isn't her secret origin simply this: Helena's father is Batman and her mother is Catwoman. Boom! Secret origin! It would only be surprising if she somehow lived a normal life.

"Happy 5th Birthday! You're a sidekick now! Stop staring at my boob!"

On the night Helena's mom died (as seen in that comic book issue that the editor doesn't remind me of with his little box of reminderation), Helena met Supergirl!

Don't mind the way Supergirl's hair slides behind her eye. It's a Kryptonian thing.

Earth-2 Supergirl's suit is cuter than regular Supergirl's suit which often makes it look like she's wearing a diaper. Earth-2 Supergirl's suit makes it look like she's wearing teeny, tiny panties. Or a jockstrap. But Karen would soon change that, just as Helena needed to change her suit.

Catwoman just hadn't been feeling like herself for the last two years for some inexplicable reason!

The Huntress Secret Origin Rating: Nothing terribly new or different in this origin. All it really did was make me remember how much I miss Worlds' Finest starring the Super Besties. Stupid DC Comics.

Superboy
This last Secret Origin should prove interesting since Superboy's history has become convoluted after a string of bad writers all took their turn at making something sensible out of his past. Instead of mentioning how awful most of that was, I'm going to agree to forget all of it and allow this story, no matter what it says, to take its place. Here, for the first time after six or seven times, is the Secret Origin of Superboy!

It begins with Kon hanging out at STAR Labs trying to figure out who he is. First thing he knows for sure: he was created in a lab. After that, things get a little muddled.

As were we all, Kon.

This Superboy's history goes through H'el on Earth where Superboy didn't die but was recruited by that stupid cosmic piece of shit nothing, Oracle, and continues during the last story arc of Superboy by Aaron Kuder. It's nice to know he doesn't have to remember any of that bullshit future crap that happened in Teen Titans when he wasn't actually himself but Joke-el.

Superboy leaves having finally figured out he's Superboy. After that, his DNA results come in! It turns out he's 45% Kryptonian, 45% Human, and 10% Other! Oh no! So, um, pretty much what we already knew before this. How about revealing that final secret, you stupid dumb fucking shithole Secret Origin?! God curse you and your loins, Frank J. Barbiere! And your editors too! I'm not letting them off the hook! I'm also not going to name them because fuck editors.

Superboy Secret Origin Rating: It was actually nice to get a concise history of Superboy all in one place that just quickly focuses on the various plot points that were important in his horrendous comic book run. This story could have been better if it took place in LA since the title was "Lab Rat" which could be read two ways if, you know, it were taking place in Los Angeles.

Supergirl #35

Red Hood not written by Scott Lobdell? I can't wait to like him!

Why does Red Hood wear a leather jacket over his costume? Is it that cold in Metropolis? Is he in Antarctica visiting the Fortress of Solitude at its alternate location? Maybe it's not even a leather jacket. Is it made from human flesh? Oh, is human flesh leather? I bet psychos that love to wear other people's skin scare the hell out of their victims before slaughtering them so that the victim pisses themselves. Gets the tanning process started early.

Although I don't know how Jason Todd is going to skin Supergirl unless he has kryptonite infused blades. If he could manage to skin her, her skin would be a sexy bulletproof outfit though.

Hopefully, since this is a Doomed Aftermath issue and last issue was a Doomed issue but had nothing to do with Doomed because it was instead introducing that fuckpuke Michael...hopefully Jason Todd will murder Michael! How dare that asshole kiss my Kara!

Even Twat Lobo doesn't kill dogs! That Jason Todd is a beast! Except I'm sure by "take him out of the equation," he just means locked him in the laundry room.

Michael is wearing a Red Hood t-shirt, so I guess his budding relationship with Supergirl is over now that his real hero has arrived. Nice job, Red Hood! Tear these two apart! Michael is obviously no good for her! Remember how he kissed her without first getting written permission? The nerve of that asshole. He's practically a sex criminal!

KILL HIM! KILL HIM NOW!

Well, you are generally written by Scott Lobdell. So that puts you pretty high up on the creep meter.

Wait, wait! There's a nice bit in the next panel!

Who are on the opposite ends of the spectrum when Batman represents the center? Superman on the most powerful extreme and Aquaman on the least powerful extreme? Oh hey! Batman is normal!

Supergirl grabs Red Hood and flies through a window with him. The hypocrite from Gotham then asks her if she knows how much windows cost. As if Jason Todd isn't intimately familiar with the prices of repairing windows and skylights. Batman's triage plans most likely considers which crimes are happening at the bottom of the most expensive skylights. Then Wayne Enterprises Windows and Skylight Restoration Services rakes in the cash the next day!

Red Hood and Supergirl eventually get to the part of a Heroes Clash in Their First Encounter part of the encounter where they stop seeing each other as enemies and begin to work together. It only takes a couple of pages and the pages had entertaining dialogue, so my head didn't explode from anger at the use of the trope. But then, Tony Bedard has been one of those writers that is able to lift up a mediocre plot (not that I'm saying this one is mediocre! Yet!) by his dialogue. I really enjoyed his run on Blue Beetle and most of that was due to his characterization of whatever that kid's name was. I have mentioned how I suck with names right? At least I didn't make up a racist name for him like Miguel Miguela!

Anyway, Red Hood is in town because alien weapon runners have appeared in New York! He thinks they may be the same ones that Starfire and Superman defeated in a story that really went nowhere but at least allowed for Superman and Starfire to beat up on each other for an incessant number of pages.

Yeah! That Michael is a boring jerko dog molester! I really like this Jason Todd fellow! But it won't last since the next comic book on my stack is Red Hood and the Outlaws by Scott Lobdell.

Supergirl notices Jason Todd is inordinately strong and that he has some green goo running through his bloodstream. Is he on the Mira Kiru?! More likely it's just whatever gross bacterial infection he picked up from bathing in the Ultimate Lazarus Pit in Assassin City.

Red Hood uses some detective techniques that I never saw Fred or Velma use to discover the location where the alien weapons are being kept. Since DC has the rights to Scooby Doo, I think Marvel should make their own Scooby Doo comic book but with Marvel characters. Fred should be The Punisher. Daphne could be Black Widow. Velma could be Aunt May. Shaggy could be Deadpool. And Scooby Doo could be Pizza Dog. Or that dog with the tuning fork on his head. Or Deadpool's penis.

So the next part of the Super Hero Team-up continues when Jason Todd and Supergirl begin battling the alien demon people selling the weapons to Earth gangs.

I thought the same thing when my house was invaded by wasps. Although I couldn't figure out what I had done to enrage them.

Jason Todd and Supergirl defeat the alien threat and then Jason Todd pulls a Batman when Supergirl questions him on his inhuman strength. And by "pulling a Batman," I don't mean he told the woman he loved his secret identity so that she would wind up dead. I meant he slipped away undetected.

NO! Not "Good for you, Supergirl." Shoot him in the head! Shoot him in the fucking head right this instant, Jason Todd!

Supergirl #35 Rating: -500 Rankings. Tony Bedard is the worst Supergirl writer to ever have been conceived by sloppy drunk parents that should have known more about birth control! Here's what Tony Bedard needs to do if he wants better reviews. First, Michael needs to die in a thresher accident. Second, he needs to write into his script some art direction so these artists draw at least one clear picture of Supergirl's bum!