Green Lantern Annual #1 (1992)

I wouldn't mind getting behind that moon myself. Literally. To have sex with it.

Usually when you see that much ass cheek on a DC cover, it's because I did some horny Photoshop. But that's an actual DC cover and that's Star Sapphire's actual ass with very little cover. I'd say it's one of the best covers I've ever seen except I just now noticed that Hal Jordan is punching Carol in the face. That kind of ruins it for me. Not even Eclipso smiling joyfully at the misogyny can bring me back around. Almost! But not quite.

But what I actually find the most interesting thing on this cover is the little symbol in the corner that reads "Approved by the Comics Code Authority." Out of all the rules they have about things that can't appear in comic books, they're absolutely fine with a woman with most of her ass revealed kneeling in front of a man whose dick may or may not be out as he punches her in the face. Were they just not as strict as I was led to believe? Or had they completely lost all of their teeth by 1992? Or were they less concerned with violence against women than they were about vampires and werewolves. I'm actually surprised it took until the 2000s for comic book companies to completely abandon the practice. I have a feeling that by the '80s most comics with the code on the cover barely had any scrutiny by the "Authority." And if they did, the publisher simply left the damned thing off, like with Watchmen and Swamp Thing and, I think, pretty much all of DC's Vertigo line.

Anyway, it's useful to know that a bunch of uptight pricks who wanted to control a whole category of artistic expression were okay with whatever's happening on this cover. I have to say, I'm really only okay with the right hand side of the cover. You know, from Eclipso to the naked butt cheeks.

The issue begins with Kilowog training a bunch of the new recruits. There's one I don't immediately recognize although I think his name might be Jack or Charlie or something lame like that. He definitely wasn't one of Hal's recent recruits.

I thought Kilowog was supposed to train them for encounters on the battlefield, not encounters in the bedroom.

One recruit is noticeably absent from the training: Amanita, the little mushroom guy. That's because he began saying something before training began and he's only now finishing the sentence now that training is over. That sentence is, "I feel something hunting Green Lanterns." Hmm. Maybe somebody should listen to the little Star Sapphire ass.

Dammit! I keep getting distracted by the cover! I might have to rip it off and hide it under the mattress so I can finish reading this issue!

This is probably the thing hunting Green Lanterns and/or Star Sapphires butthole: Eclipso's fist.

This is the image on the page opposite the Eclipso's fist page:

I was 20 years old when I got this issue. How is it not covered in dried semen?!

The placement of that advert across from Eclipso threatening to fist the next asshole that comes near him had to be on purpose, no?

Eclipso doesn't actually want to fistfuck Green Lantern. He just wants the power of the most powerful weapon in the universe after the color yellow. But Eclipso can't manifest except in extremely rare instances (like a full eclipse and then only at an Oreo factory). Instead, Eclipso rains little Black Diamonds all over the Earth. Anybody who comes into contact with one of them becomes possessed by Eclipso. Right now, Eclipso is using Starman to try to track down Green Lantern. I guess Starman's powers aren't cool because they don't manifest through a gaudy piece of jewelry. Eclipso's D&D treasure type is whichever treasure type was just gems and jewelry.

Starman doesn't know where Green Lantern is so Eclipso has him give the Black Diamond to some homeless man. But he doesn't know where Green Lantern is either so he gives the Black Diamond to a prostitute. But she doesn't know where Green Lantern is either so she gives the Black Diamond to some pervert. He heads into a strip club where I'm sure everybody will be all, "Oh, Guy Gardner? Yeah! He was just here!"

Look at all this nudity! I suspect even the Comics Code Authority hated reading fucking annuals.

The pervert tosses the Black Diamond to one of the strippers and guess what? She's seen Guy Gardner recently! Who could have guessed?! Other than me, of course!

Guy Gardner has just recently lost his ring to Hal Jordan which is fucking crazy because I never know when to read these annuals and I just happened to read this annual at exactly the right time! Guy's trying to figure out what to do next and briefly considers getting a gun. But he's no Simon Baz so he drops the idea immediately. Instead, he picks up a Black Diamond tossed to him by a stripper. Guy Gardner is always angry so I'm sure he transforms into Eclipso in record time. But the scene shifts to Carol and Hal's bedroom.

Gross.

Okay, maybe I'm reading the annual a little too soon if Carol is letting Hal do this to her already.

Hal didn't actually spunk on Carol so I don't know why Andy Smith drew that. She just woke up from a nightmare and Hal raced in to save her. He then listens to her and comforts her and makes sure she feels safe and waits until she falls asleep again and then resents her for not offering to fuck him right there and then. No, really! That's not just me being facetious! At least I don't think it is.

Hal defines "impossible emotional gymnastics" as being super nice to babes and then not getting to fuck them.

Just outside Hal's motel room, Guy Gardner waits, hiding behind a palm tree. That's really all they're good for. Eclipso realized Guy didn't have the power he wanted. But Guy did know where Hal Jordan was currently holed up. So he uses Guy to drop the Black Diamond off for Hal to find. Then Guy just goes back to the strip club thinking he's done his job. But he didn't count on Hal being too concerned with his blue balls to notice the gem on the ground. So instead, Carol, still in her underwear, finds it when she exits her motel room while going to apologize to Hal.

Oh, she's going to apologize to Hal because she told him her dream in which she was mean to Hal. That's also why his feelings were hurt. Because she had a dream where she hated him. Christ, he's a loser. But now that she found the Black Diamond, she's going to go kill Hal while in Star Sapphire's underwear.

Star Sapphire's underwear is just her regular super outfit. Like Superman and Batman.

Eclipso wants Green Lantern as his Eclipsed Slave but he falls into his own trap: he can't fully take over Star Sapphire until she commits her act of rage and revenge. And for Star Sapphire, that means killing Green Lantern. It took Eclipso thousands of years but he's finally learned about Catch-22. It's a hell of a catch, that Catch-22.

Star Sapphire flies off to destroy Ferris Air because she couldn't find Hal Jordan around the corner at the motel's soda machine. Star Sapphire somehow thinks that ex-employees of businesses give a shit if somebody later vandalizes the business. I suppose in this case she may be right only because the ex-employee is also a super hero.

At this point in the comic book, I'm exactly halfway through. That means this "review" will suddenly become a five sentence synopsis of the last 28 pages. It's my brand!

Starman shows up still under Eclipso's influence because Eclipso now has to battle himself so that he doesn't kill Green Lantern while possessing Star Sapphire. Bruce Gordon and his Eclipso hunters arrive with their solar guns to save the eclipsed heroes. Guy Gardner, still under Eclipso's influence, also attacks. And then the Green Lantern Corps arrives to save Hal's ass. It's a real clusterfuck.

Is this lesbian pornography?

Green Lantern Annual #1 Rating: Sexy! I'd explain how the clusterfuck turned out but I'm not sure I know. Hal and Carol remained under Eclipso's power so they could go fuck with Batman in the Detective Comics annual. Guy Gardner hitchhiked into Guy Gardner Reborn #1. Starman headed over into the Superman annual. And the other Green Lanterns all pretended they weren't just humiliated. I think Kilowog explained what happened in a panel near the end but, well, have a look:

Maybe this was the page my 20 year old self's spunk landed on after jerking it to that cover!

Earth 2 #32

Why has nobody taken Fury aside to tell her that her outfit makes no fucking sense?

Let's change our language regarding sexual identity! From now on, our sexual identity should be expressed by the sexual organs with which we want to interact. So if you love vagina, you'd be a Vagetarian. And if you like dick, you'd be a Cockivore. If you liked them both, you'd be at the Omnibuffet. If you're not into any sexual organs, you'd just carry a napkin around and when somebody asks, you'd hold it up to your lips as if you were covering a burp and shake your head no. If you're just into ass play, you're a Regular at the Salad Bar. I think this fixes the entire conversation on sexual identity! Where's my Nobel Cock Ring?

One of the issues with sex is that I think the younger a person is (yet still being old enough to be all into doing it big time and a lot!), the more pressure that person feels to seem kinky and outrageous in the bedroom. A lot of unnecessary bragging goes on during the first decade or two of sexuality. There's a need to impress a partner with wild flailing or pushing boundaries or even involving yourself in sexual situations where you find yourself ultimately uncomfortable but press on for the sake of how your partner sees you. Eventually though, you hit a certain age where you just want you and your partner to have a good time that ends in orgasm for both parties. You don't need to impress anybody or be afraid that your vanilla sexy style is going to bore your partner. You just do to your partner things they like that bring them to orgasm and hope your partner reciprocates by doing things you like that will bring you to orgasm. You don't need wild flailing or breathy moans or Lovecraftian sex talk (unless you're fucking me and then you'd better do some research) in the bedroom. You just need to be the nakedest, most trusting and open version of yourself. And maybe a bull whip and some Ben Wa balls.

Passionate, experimental, youthful, trying hard to impress sex can be a lot of fun. But it can also be exhausting. After a certain age, it's just nice to find a trusting partner with whom you can have relaxing, comfortable orgasms! Did I mention the exhilarating pleasures of dangerous sex involving strangers with loaded guns? Should I not have mentioned that? Should I delete the link to the website where you can meet up for that? Yeah, I probably should.

Um, Earth-2 has people on it and they have sex as well! Whew! What a smooth segue!

See? The comic opens up with some Kryptonian sexy talk.

I wonder if Oracle's kink (the New 52 Galactus created by Scott Lobdell and not the Preboot Babs in a wheelchair version) is that he can only get off while watching worlds die? So Oracle sends out that guy with the horn to find dying planets so that he can rush over and jerk it while he watches the planet die.

This is the last issue of Earth-2, so Earth-2 is probably going to get fucked by Apokolips. Literally!

Ha ha! Right. "Drill."

After The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick points out the drill, Hawkcop quotes the Earth-2 version of Star Wars: "That's not a drill--it's a modified satellite." That didn't even end in an exclamation point which can only mean Earth-2 Star Wars was boring.

While The Streak Starring Jay Gimmick and Hawkcop joke about the "drill," Doctor Cocoa Puffs whines and pouts about how he failed his friends and abandoned them during the battle. And since the battle is still raging, Doctor Cocoa Puffs throws down the helmet and continues to abandon his friends while completely hating himself.

Commander Sato brings up to speed the only hero that can possibly save everybody: Replacement Batman! At least I think he's the only person that can save them by some kind of Bruce Willieian sacrifice. He can't make it back to Earth-Main-Earth because that would make Bruce Wayne cry constantly. So he's going to have to become a martyr to give everybody else a chance to escape. Commander Sato's quote's Earth-2's version of Red Dwarf to get her message across to Replacement Batman. "Dead, Batman. They're all dead. Jimmy Olsen? Dead, Batman. The Avatars of Earth? All dead. Everyone is dead, Batman."

And then the super hot sex scene that's making me super uncomfortable in the pants.

Just so we're clear: I'm totally against planetary rape and planetary rape culture.

Steel finally gets to have some time with the talking stick and he describes that time way back in Issue #13 where he went into the firepit and met the Red Avatar. He starts talking about choices and hope and living and dying but since he's military, he can't help but ruin anything he previously said by ending his speech with "do your damn duty." Fuck you, Steel! Sometimes walking away from your damn duty is the more ethical decision! I hate you!

Commander Sato gives an impassioned halftime coach to the players speech which ends with "Ten against the gods!" I'm disappointed that nobody says, "Gods? Never tell me the gods!"

Oh Val-el. What happened to your incessant mantra of "There's got to be another way"?

I had such high hopes for a pacifist Superman who always stuck to his principles, refusing to throw a single punch while always finding another way to use his powers to subdue or defeat his enemies. But he's just going to become the same old guy that constantly resorts to throwing punches, isn't he?

Hawkcop and Doctor Cocoa Puffs penetrate the "drill" to find and destroy its power source. They discover a glowing ball of fire which is probably a decent representation of an alien power source, so Hawkcop begins shooting bullets into it. She seems surprised when her "guys" (how cute! She calls her guns her guys!) are powerless against it. But Doctor Cocoa Puffs saves the day, proving that he can wield the Helm of Nabu without going completely bonkers. I think it's time to upgrade his name to Doctor Froot Loops. Froot Loops are less crazy than Cocoa Puffs, right?

So the satellite is destroyed but that doesn't mean Apokolips has been defeated! There's still more story left for the Earth-2 wonders over in that piece of extreme garbage, World's End! I mean, that excellent weekly periodical!

Earth 2 #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. For once some of the important action got to take place in Earth-2 instead of World's End! That made this issue reminiscent of a postcard from Devil's Tower that liberally interprets the Lakota myth of its creation.

Earth 2 #30

Why is everybody worried about Apokolips?! Cthulhu has been awakened!

I'm really not very interested in this comic book any more so I apologize for my mood ahead of time. As that fucking cow Mrs. McFarland noted on my report card, I let my "mood" affect the way I participate. Well excuse me, Mrs. Judgy McMindyourownbeeswax! I began kindergarten at four years old! What kind of four year old doesn't let their mood affect the way they act?!

I should actually be speaking kindly of Mrs. McFarland. She had the patience and took the time to get a kid that stubbornly refused to do anything asked of him to eventually feel comfortable enough to participate in class activities. Throughout my scholastic career, I benefited greatly from teachers knowing when to be hands off and just leave me be (which was often as I tended to flare up and have a huge tantrum whenever I felt an assignment was worthless, or too much extra work). I don't ever remember having a teacher that felt they needed to be so in control that they fought me over any of the shit I adamantly refused to do. It takes a strong and patient teacher to realize that doing nothing can often be a successful solution when dealing with a kid that just will not work within your system (or, as I believe my case quite possibly was, is entirely incapable of working within it). By the end of high school, I had learned the tricks that would get everybody to simply leave me alone. I would pass barely noticed in the back of the class. The main trick was to finish homework assignments. This was easily accomplished by doing homework in class instead of participating. And of course, I had to do well on tests so nobody felt they needed to pay any extra attention to me. Both of these were easy enough, and they seemed to be all parents and teachers cared about. My cousin used to struggle constantly with the homework part, arguing that if he did well on the tests than why does he have to do the homework? That seemed like a nightmare to me! Didn't he know everybody would leave him alone and he'd have more free time to do what he liked if he just did the homework? I didn't give a shit whether or not I was "buying" into the system since I didn't give a shit about the system. All I knew was I could do whatever I wanted after school and he was busy in detention or grounded or being watched over by his mom to make sure he did his work.

After the first few years of elementary school, by about third grade when I met my best friends for years, I was mostly comfortable with school. I spent so much time inside my own head that it barely seemed to matter where my body was. I read a lot and just looked forward to anything that was extra-curricular: reading, singing, recess, lunch! The only thing I truly feared in school were the oral reports. I once gave an oral report on glaciers that was copied word for word out of a fifties encyclopedia. But just as my report began, the geography teacher was called out of the room by another teacher for some hallway mini-conference. He told me to continue and he was gone for the entire report. When he came back in, he asked Simon Raines how I had done and good old Simon simply said it was great. I probably should have slipped him my lunch money that day. Except I always brought a bag lunch. I guess I could have given him my Pringles.

I thought Rot was The Grey?

Why does the Avatar of the Green, who is ostensibly a plant, have breasts? Maybe they're just burls.

At the Parliament Enclave, the colors have gathered to recite poetry. First White goes:

White! I'm White! White white white white white white!
I refract the light! I'm not uptight! I help with flight!
I'm cold at night! And not quite shite despite my bite!
White! I'm White! White white white white white white!
Like the chickens, dog!

White's Avatar was the human that most fit the poem. That human was Sam Zhou.

Green doesn't have a poem but it probably would go something like this:

Green is serene.
Not mean.
It's green.

And that is Alan Scott!

Sure the Blue would follow. Even though Blue's story begins "eons before."

Blue's poem went a little something like this:

"What is madness but wonder unchecked?
Love but the dream of the self bereft?
Knowledge nothing but innocence wrecked?
And what am I to you?

Beauty is simply a mask over death.
Hope exists only when nothing is left.
Life but scant moments spent catching one's breath.
Please, what am I to you?

Was ambition your fear driven by stress?
Success someone else's taken through theft?
Could I've given more? Could you've given less?
I know what I am to you."

And Blue's avatar was the Great Old One, Azathoth! Although it really should be Cthulhu since Cthulhu is the one under the sea and Azathoth is more the scary monstrous something at the edge of dreaming or reality or something.

And then Red gets to do Red's poem although I think Red is a bit more into violence than poetry, so we'll see how that goes.

She's talking about names like slut and cunt and bitch! Unless she's talking about names like skank and cocksucker and butthole! Or sexy and chula and big breasted booty babe!

Red's poem goes something like this:

Library cats are dangerous!
Don't look them in the fucking eye!
Don't touch their feet because they hate that!
Rub their belly if you want to lose your hand!
Library cats! Yes! Library cats!
They're in your chair when you just got up for one fucking second!
Don't try to move them because they'll act like they've been there all day and you don't have any right to your stupid fucking seat!
That one's staring at you and staring at you and staring at you and staring at you!
Do you have meat on your face or something?
No wait! Now it just ran up a shelf and knocked down five books and is licking its paw like nothing fucking happened!
Oh yeah! Library cats!

The Red's avatar is Yolanda Montez. Some people remember her as Wildcat! I call her Library-Cat!

Earth 2 #30 Rating: No change. This book has nothing to do but tell back stories and tell inconsequential tales and do pretty much nothing but waste time since all of the important stuff now happens weekly over in World's End.

Earth 2 #29

Gomorrah means anal!

Earth 2 is over. It was fun while it lasted! Tom Taylor is off the title. While he was on it, Earth 2 was just a little corner of the DC Universe where anything could happen. But now with World's End and the plan to merge Earth-2 with Earth-Main-Earth, editorial has turned its flaming eye upon this book to ensure it becomes a boring piece of predictable garbage, simple filler to occupy the space between now and DC's final plan of merged Earths. I suppose some characters are going to die, like Thomas Wayne and Superman (again!). Unless they decide to keep Thomas around so he can die just after an "emotional" meeting with his Earth-Main-Earth son. Sure, I don't know exactly what's going to happen, so I can still be surprised by events. But the spontaneity and the feeling that anything could happen in this title has gone. Plus, the events in this book are now just closer looks at things that have already played out in World's End. Barbara was crushed by a piece of the moon after which the Editor told me to read this book. But then the next World's End came out and Barbara was back fighting rioters.

I wonder if she'll survive Gomorrah?!

Oh no! Barbara Gordon is dead! Again?

I sometimes wonder what life would be like if the act of living for four decades hadn't completely eroded me into a beautifully polished piece of highly cynical marble? Could I enjoy comic books more if I'd somehow managed to keep a sense of wonder and innocence, cultivated my naivete so that I would gasp in wide-eyed wonder at every new observance? How does one navigate the world without the pinpoint accuracy of a highly honed GPS of cynicism?! I suppose if I didn't care about the truth of things (or, at best, the observational truth of the reality that can be experienced by our limited human senses), I might be going around exclaiming that everything is miraculous, crying over the way butter melts on toast, embracing strange children on the street because I'm so overwhelmed by their beauty and innocence, complimenting women on the shape of their calves with no ulterior motive that involves penis to vagina contact (or, if she's up for it, penis to anus contact). Even in my suppositions of what life might be like if I were filled with childlike innocence, I'm a disgusting bore! At least I still have enough self-awareness that I tear up whenever I hear these lines by the Indigo Girls:

We're sculpted from youth,
but the chipping away makes me weary.

I'm so tired. So very, very tired. And I'm a horrible sculptor!

This issue is called "Flagitious" because Marguerite Bennett is showing off her vocabulary again. I think F.L.A.G.I.T.I.O.U.S is the Earth-2 version of GLAAD, or LGBTet.al. I'd take a guess at what it means but who knows what kind of genders or sexual identities exist on Earth-2! Also, who cares? The fact that they're all still Twofers makes them less important than Main Earthers!

I hope that doesn't come off as universalist! I mean, it is, but I hope it doesn't come across that way! I don't want people to know that I hate all people from other universes for no rational reason.

The moon fell on her and she "might" have a concussion. Batgirl is a tough cookie! Dammit. Now I want a cookie.

Is calling a woman a "cookie" sexist? I don't care if it is! Throw the word "problematic" at me all day long and it will just make me build my trench deeper! I'll call all women cookies all the time! I'll even call all men cookies too just to rub it in your problematic faces! COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!

Fuck. Now I want all the cookies.

I guess the woman that just helped Babs out of the crater is Earth-2 Harlequin. She's going to be severely disappointed when she finds out that Alan Scott is gay. Except she's probably gay! Or whatever the "U" stands for in FLAGITIOUS.

Or, judging by this next panel, the Earth-2 version of Harley Quinn. That was my first guess but my fingers, knowing I was writing about Earth-2, wound up typing "Harlequin." Stupid fingers. You're all fired!

Have I been using knives wrong my entire life? I've never reloaded one once!

Instead of driving around six or seven guys huddled around a flaming trash can, Lottie Quinn stops to beat the shit out of some of them with her hammer. After satisfying her bloodlust, she packs up her hammer and drives on. I think she might be crazy!

Lottie Quinn takes Dick and Babs to her home on the pier, Gomorrah. So that's why Chicago was nearly destroyed by flaming meteorites! This is probably where I should say people who don't know history are doomed to repeat it except The Bible isn't history, no matter how loudly you tell me it is.

Dick and Babs begin getting the tour of the place when...SURPRISE!...Lottie Quinn turns on them! Earth-2's version of the Tweedles are muscular bastards that love punching journalists in the back of the head. I love them! Once Dick is knocked out, Lottie Quinn tries to throw Little Johnny out of Gomorrah because when creating a society based on anal and oral sex, you don't want to invite God's wrath by allowing children to join. I think that's what the first Sodom and Gomorrah got wrong. Too many people wanted to fuck Lot's kids and God was all, "Hell no! That's crossing the line!" And then before he cut off his Heaven-to-Earth communicator, he was heard to mumble, "Ugh. These eggs are bland. Now where's the salt? Where's the motherfucking salt?"

Time for the nightly fucking of the parademon!

Dick notes the Revelations level of crazy going on in the camp and Narration Boxes that he's never been the religious type. He follows up with "But now, with the world getting more insane by the day, the minute, the second--it was getting hard to stay agnostic." What? Why? How is the destruction of the world by an alien monster some kind of stamp of approval on religion? Since all things end, starting a religion which didn't predict the future end of the world would be crazy.

And that whole "agnostic" thing. It's such a fucking cop-out. Agnostics aren't smarter or more open-minded than atheists. They might be intellectually or spiritually lazier than atheists (the former) and the religious (the latter) because they've obviously not done enough thinking or praying on the matter. I think agnostics actually believe one way or the other except they just don't want to be associated with the side with which they theoretically agree. Something about the absolute certainty of either side rubs them the wrong way, so they refuse to commit. At least having agnostics around gives atheists and the religious something to agree on! Both sides see agnostics walking around shrugging their shoulders and think, "Spineless cowards!"

Of course I didn't mean any of that about my agnostic readers! You guys are cool! Or not cool. How can I know?!

The twins drag out Barbara to throw her in the cage with the parademon. Lucky! It's her first night in camp and she gets to fuck the parademon! Except it escapes when the cage is open and begins tearing heads off of the Gomorrahans. Dick and Babs get away on Lottie Quinn's motorcycle and zoom off to World's End #9 where Babs gets shot while Constantine watches.

Earth 2 #29 Rating: -1 Ranking. What the fuck was up with the glowing hand on the cover?! One of the things I'm sick of, DC Comics, is how you kill your own titles when you inextricably link them to some other ongoing story arc. Remember how Superboy never had his own actual story in his comic book because he was always involved in the plots in other books? Remember how Justice League of America became "The Fantasy Life of Stargirl and Martian Manhunter" during Forever Evil? More issues of that comic were spent on that nonsense than there were issues involving the entire team. And now Earth 2 has become the comic book that doesn't have anything to do, so now it's simply a vehicle for side stories from World's End. Whatever! I used to really enjoy this comic book. Stupid Darkseid! He ruined everything!

Earth 2 #28

The Apokoliptian Invasion! Run for your life!

Since World's End has taken to telling a fairly linear story about the Not Quite the Justice Society's battle against Apokolips, Earth 2 hasn't been given any time at all to talk about them. So what will this comic book be about? I've got a feeling it will tell the secret origins of the Fab Furies of Apokolips! Remember them? They're the ones that were going to cause widespread devastation and tons of exciting plot twists but haven't really done shit for five full issues. What are they doing? They traveled across the universe to destroy Earth and they've simply all gone AWOL! I suppose I'll get my fill of them here.

The credits show four full sets of artists, so I guess each set will be doing one story each or something. The first story takes place on Czarnia. Oh great! With a special appearance by Twat Lobo, I bet! Is Twat Lobo from Earth-2's Czarnia? Is that all the explanation we need? Is his Czarnia really from Earth-Twat?!

Wait. This girl and bad boy Twat Lobo aren't going to come together and create a baby, are they? A baby THAT WILL NEVER BE BORN!

My first thought was that this Czarnian was going to be Death. But beyond the skin color, they really don't share any similarities. I bet she becomes Pestilence after Twat Lobo (or Lobo Lobo?!) destroys Czarnia with a plague. Twat Lobo gives the girl some advice and never once says, "Sorry. Not sorry." I am sorry for typing that though.

This Czarnian is caught stealing medicine for her family and locked away. As punishment, she's filled with every disease known to Czarnia to be the ambassador to Apokolips. All she has to do is act naturally, walk up to Darkseid, and fill him full of various airborne illnesses.

"I feel fine! When do I get to meet Darkseid?! Um, don't worry about my exploding sores! You should have seen them yesterday! I'm totally getting better. Now where's her majesty? I mean his majesty?!"

Desaad has probably never seen a gift horsemen in his life but he recognizes one when he sees one. And he doesn't even look her in the mouth because gross! Desaad hires her and this story ends. Except it doesn't end with "the end." It does that stupid, overdone thing where it ends with "The beginning...". I hope all four short stories don't end like that! You can't do that, can you? Maybe that's the only way it can be done! Four times in the same comic book! It's so overdone that it will come back around to being underdone and clever!

The next story takes place on the Warworld of Earth-2. Or, um, Universe-2, I guess! It stars Famine! And Mongul! And Steppenwolf! What a star-studded cast! I wonder if Jim Starlin is upset that somebody else is writing his baby, Warworld?

On Warworld, they battle seemingly eight days a week. In spite of all the danger, Steppenwolf has decided to pay a visit to Warworld, probably to look for new recruits.

How do those little skinny guys carry that weight? I saw her standing there on the battlefield, and she's freaking gigantic! She looks like a yellow submarine!

Later at dinner, Steppenwolf is all, "Miss, I've just got to get you into my life." And Mongul is all, "Ain't she sweet?" And Steppenwolf is all, "Do you want to know a secret? My furies live forever!" And Mongul is all, "Oh! Darling, do not listen to him!" And Steppenwolf is all, "You'll be mine." And Mongul is all, "What you're doing is not cool!" And Steppenwolf is all, "Baby, baby. You know what to do." And Soon-to-be-Famine is all, "Everybody's trying to be my baby!" And Mongul is all, "Don't let me down!" And Steppenwolf is all, "I want you (she's so heavy!)." And Mongul is all, "Don't listen to him! The two of us...we can work it out!" And Soon-to-be-Famine is all, "I sense a beginning ending coming up!" And Steppenwolf is all, "I don't want to spoil the party, but you're going to lose that girl!" And Mongul is all, "I'm a loser." And Steppenwolf is all, "She's leaving home!" And Mongul is all, "I'll get you!" And Soon-to-be-Famine is all, "Hello goodbye!" And Mongul is all, "Help! I should have known better!" And that's how the Fury of Famine left Jim Starlin's Warworld to live on Apokolips.

And, yes, this story ended with "The Beginning...". So it's getting really exciting! Four "The Beginning..."s in one book! If I were a paperback writer, I would never even attempt this feat!

The next story stars little Earth-2 Starfire, K'li. I think that was her name. It's possible her name is Lucille. Or Michelle! Maggie Mae? Starfire-2 crash lands on Apokolips and kills every parademon she stumbles across.

Hello little girl. How do you do it?

Big Barda trains Universe-2 Starfire to be the best monster she can be. Every little thing she does is horrific, as if she had a devil in her heart. Here, there and everywhere, corpses line her wake. Darkseid readily accepts her as his Fury of War thus marking another beginning! Three in a row! Majestic!

The fourth story is about Death and takes place on Mars-2. Happiness is a warm gun. I am the walrus. Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey. Being for the benefit of Mr. Kite! Maxwell's silver hammer.

Ob-la-di, ob-la-da.

I want to hold your hand. Blackbird. Dear Prudence. Dizzy Miss Lizzy. Magical mystery tour. Lucy in the sky with diamonds. The long and winding road. Komm, gib mir deine Hand. I've just seen a face. Glass onion. Doctor Robert.

Day tripper.

Earth 2 #28 Ranking: I'm only sleeping.

Earth 2 #27

The tombstone should read "Husband/Father/Hero." Of course Bruce was somebody's son! The grave should at least acknowledge Selina!

This issue begins like it's trying to be Worlds' Finest because Worlds' Finest has been co-opted by Batman and Superman because DC needs more books starring those idiots. And since Earth 2 spent this week in a double sized issue of World's End, it seems like Worlds' Finest starring The Huntress and Power Girl might as well take over this comic book this month. It works for me!

For a few pages, we get to see some flashbacks to Kara and Helena's past. It feels like a Sailor Moon movie. Except instead of Tuxedo Mask giving the little, lost alien boy a flower, Kara gives the little, lost alien boy an action figure. And instead of everybody remembering how Usagi treated them kindly, Thomas Wayne hangs a mugger from a street light, Spider-man-style. But it's all the same kind of feels, anyway. Hel and Kara love each other. Replacement Grandfather protects his granddaughter. Val-el makes a best friend for life when Kara lies to him and tells him that her parents are dead. Unless they did die while Krypton was still healthy! I guess Krypton-2 had a different history than the Regular Old Krypton. Why wouldn't it when Earth-2's history is so different? Like Thomas Wayne still being alive!

She was never alone in this world! As soon as her dad died, she switched worlds!

Replacement Batman confides in Helena immediately that he uses Earth-2 Viagra to be a decent Batman. He only tells her because, being a Bat-child and thus very observant, she noticed how he "wilted" after the fight. Maybe Replacement Batman needs a tighter set of drawers.

Power Girl and Val-el and Replacement Batman and The Huntress and Tornado Lane find themselves battling some creatures from Apokolips that seem to have been made up just for this bullshit issue of Earth-2. Yes, I'm calling it bullshit now because I took a break and now I'm in a bad mood. A foul mood! A horrendous mood! No wait! An horrendous mood! I forgot to be pretentious!

Okay, so I really don't know a lot about Apokolips and The Fourth World and The New Gods, so maybe these are standard Apokoliptian devil spawn! The only thing I really know about Darkseid is that if you shine a light in his head, his eyes glow simulating his Omega Beams! The only thing I know about Steppenwolf is that he came with an electro-axe connected to a backpack by a string which made him the best figure to use when playing Hot Lava with them in my grandparent's enormous backyard.

Power Girl and her Preschool kissy-baby lover-boy, Val-el, fly around the CERN atom smasher a few times and then slam into each other. They create a new particle called "BRAKATHOOMM." Also, Power Girl is probably now pregnant. The blast destroys all of the Apokoliptian Devil Spawn being that it was equivalent to the explosion of a neutron bomb.

But it stays in the tunnel thanks to Replacement Batman's quick thinking! And his Earth-2 Viagra!

And everybody lived happily ever after! Or would have if they hadn't all signed on to be a part of a comic book called "World's End." Idiots.

Earth 2 #27 Rating: No change. The plot of this issue was stupid because it was really about something other than smashing Apokoliptian Devil Spawn. It had something to do with abstract ideas that I just don't understand. Like family and friendship and love. What's so important about fictional ideas like those? I just want to see two women kiss! I suppose if Hollywood could find two guys that could actually make kissing look sexy, I'd watch two guys kiss as well. Women really enjoy kissing! So two women kissing is sexy! But guys are always distracted when they kiss. You can tell they're already thinking about where their penis is going to go while they kiss. Thus, crappy kissing! I think Val-el and Power Girl having sex in a super collider got me all distracted!

Futures End: Teen Titans #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don’t Put That There Chai Tea! Of course, not everybody in The Dusty Stretches is a fan of the broadcast. One example: Weasel, formerly of The Long Boxes.

"Yer probably wondering why I'm limping, right?"

A woman layered in several different varieties of dust and grime, hair matted against her scalp from grease and sweat, tattered robes of various earth tones trailing from her body, acknowledges the speaker in no way at all.

"That bitch up there. That islander bitch, Goggles, fucking shot me. Fucking cunt. Who does she think she is?"

The woman angles her trajectory slightly so that she slowly, and barely noticeably, begins to drift away from the limping man. She puts one hand on the machete tucked into the fraying rope she wears as a belt. She wants to spit in his direction but decides he isn't worth the moisture.

"Who the fuck does she think she is, anyway?" The limping man glances around and catches the stare of a crazy eyed Asian man just a few feet away. The man's limp gets noticeably worse and he shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders at the staring man, a gesture meant to italicize his earlier complaints and, hopefully, bring the other man into some kind of shared confidence. Instead, the staring man points at Weasel's oozing leg, cackles madly, claps his hands, raises them to the air, and never looks in Weasel's direction again.

"What's wrong with you assholes? You think that whore has some kind of solution to this bullshit life? You think she's gonna save us all?"

"Shut the fuck up," comes a hoarse grumble from a direction Weasel isn't looking. He glances back toward the sound of the voice and tries to match it to a dirty, miserable, dusty face. But he has to admit it could have come from any one of these poor wretches.

"Oh! Who would have guessed? Flyshit bravery from you pathetic fools! Classic! Fucking cowards, the lot of you!" Weasel feels better getting in the last word but he is too disheartened to continue his lament. If they're going to treat me like the last dog on earth, they don't deserve to hear the truth, he thinks to himself in consolation. He can't understand why these people followed a person that convinced them to not only leave their homes but to burn them to the ground as well. The only reason he followed was because being alone outside of a city, especially at night, was suicide, plain and simple. This group offers, at the very least, protection from creatures and people that prey on lone travelers and easy marks. So Weasel shuts the fuck up because he isn't willing to be left behind, and he isn't ready to die terrified and alone.

Weasel shuts the fuck up and he trudges along toward an unknown destination with everybody else. He decides he's said enough. Everybody knows where he stands by now, so now it's time for him to keep his ears open. Others must exist within this group who are as disgruntled as he is. And the longer they march, the hungrier they get, the longer it takes to find out any information about what the fuck they're going to do, the more likely people will begin to turn to his side. In a desperate situation like this, all Weasel needs do is wait.

That night, he searches amidst the small clusters of strangers around separate, blazing fires for faces he does not recognize. When he finds one, he gestures at his leg, and at the ground, and a place is quickly made for him. A woman with two small children loans him an extra pillow where he can rest his leg, and a tall blond man leans over and offers him a flask. Before Weaseal can take it, the man gasps slightly and reaches out with his other hand to pull back Weasel's bandage. The bullet wound is red, and raw, and oozing. The man bites his lower lip and, without asking for Weasal's consent, pours a little alcohol directly into the wound. Weasel emits a sharp, quick scream before looking shocked and wide eyed at the man with the flask. The man fixes the bandage, gives Weasel's thigh a hearty squeeze, and he proffers the flask once more. Weasel smiles uneasily, accepts the gift, and takes three long swallows of some low grade moonshine. He coughs, wheezes a bit, and hands the flask back to the beaming man, happy to share his concoction with a new face. Nobody offers him any food because nobody seems to have any. If they've eaten, they do not say. They remain quiet until a sallow skinned teenaged girl brings out a battery operated radio. The others smile. Some sit up straighter, eager for the broadcast about to begin. Others lie back on scruffy, flea-covered blankets. Weasel just stares into the fire, praying they won't be listening to HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea but knowing, before the static on the radio clears and Goggle's voice can begin to speak, that no gods are left to hear his prayer.

Goggles discusses the comic book "Futures End: Teen Titans #1" but Weasel only half-listens. He watches the faces of the seven strangers around the fire. They laugh at her jokes, a few of them cry when she discusses her old friend Skates and how he promised he and the others would give her the time she needed to get to some creep named Shortystuff. He and several others apparently died giving her that time, and that chance to get at Shortystuff. But though they gave her plenty of time, she never got the chance. It was all for naught and she never found Shortystuff. Most around the fire seem to agree with her future plans as she points out how Teen Titans speaks to her goals. It tells a story of rebellion and the end of corruption, about fighting back against those who think money can buy the lives and futures of the non-wealthy. Some grunt affirmations or dig their hands in the dirt as they're caught up in her decrying the richies and their way of life. But one, the man with the flask, looks sad through most of it, and he shakes his head often as he scratches a long stick in the dirt.

"A better way? Harumph," he mutters at one point. He does not argue, or condemn, or say one word of his feelings to the others. But Weasel senses in him a kindred hurt, and a deep, overwhelming sense of loss and sorrow. The world is shit and this man with the flask sees what Weasel sees...sees what Goggles cannot see...that any way to make the world better for some will only make the world worse for others. Weasel doesn't want Goggles' world, whatever the fuck it might be. And Weasel sees that this man, this stranger, this soon-to-be confidant and friend, does not trust her vision either. Weasel lies back without reaching out to this man. Not tonight. There will be time and tonight, the pain in his leg seems to have sent tendrils up through his stomach, and down near to the bottom of each foot. Too much walking, he thinks. If I could just rest, let it heal properly, everything will be okay. I could maybe even leave this group, or fight back. He smiles weakly at the thought of doing to Goggles what she did to him and his friends. He rolls over, putting his weight on his good leg, and, breathing shallowly, he falls asleep.

Weasel dies three hours later.

Bizarro #1

"Bizarro orgasm out of eyes like normal heterosexual man!"

My love for Bizarro began with the Super Friends versus the Legion of Doom cartoons. He was dopey and wacky and irreverent. But most of all, he was just misunderstood. Seriously, who could understand that fucker? Sometimes he'd say, "Me not like beauty!" because the Bizarros of Bizarro world based their life on celebrating the ugly. But then sometimes somebody would get a hold of him and make his character say things like, "Me love beauty!" But that meant that he hated beauty because he was speaking in opposite Bizarro speak. But that just made every conversation with him fucking confusing because you'd think he loved beauty in that first quote I wrote! So I don't blame anybody for misunderstanding this jerk. He wasn't evil; he just perceived reality differently than we did.

But it would really have fucking helped if he could decide how is Bizarroness expressed itself from appearance to appearance!

I'm not even sure where Bizarro has come from in The New 52. I suppose that's what this issue is for since he hasn't been seen anywhere else. Although Superboy did just run into another version of Superboy over in Superboy. But that Superboy looked normal. I hope this Bizarro isn't the Harvest son clone that was tossed into a dumpster way back in the Pre-Issue #1 Superboy storyline. I really hope this Bizarro was created as wackily as the old Preboot Bizarro!

This story begins in the pages of Action Comics when Superman broke free from captivity while being held by Lex Luthor. That was when Lex Luthor thought that Superman's real shape was a deformed calf? Yeah, what an idiot. During Superman's escape, he managed to spit blood all over Lex Luthor's nice suit. Which is really all Luthor wanted. Although if you want a DNA sample from a man whose skin you can't pierce with a needle, there's always a better way! You know, a mouth swab.

Luthor's dream was to create a super hero that could go toe to toe with Superman but would also be his willing slave. Lex Luthor always wants so much.

Lex Luthor has a small prick.

That was obvious and immature of me. And I'm usually so mature! This whole Bizarro thing must be getting to me. Instead of writing intelligent, insightful, mature musings on the nature of Bizarro and how his flaws and his outlook make him truly the most tragic character in DC Comics, I'm making tiny dick jokes. It's so unlike me! I'm a bit ashamed! I'll try harder to be more academic.

Lex Luthor's test subject becomes ravenous after being subjected to Luthor's prick. His muscles engorge, his skin turns chalky white, and breaks free from his restraints. And it won't listen to a word Luthor says. Why should it? It got what it wanted. Now it just wants to go home to its own bed.

"Me hate the D! Me get enough of it! Me not want more at all! Me want long, loving relationship! Me love Lex Luthor!"

The creature rampages through Lex's laboratory but Luthor has some safety measures! Like a Kryptonite gun that doesn't work on it. And some Super-heated Plasma Lexbots which fail to stop Bizarro. Not to mention (although mentioning them so that's a stupid beginning to any sentence ever) the Quantum Tunneling Apokolips Swinehunds. You might think those would stand a chance but they're worse than Lexbots. Lex Luthor simply has one chance left.

Oh. Well fuck. I was going to say his connection in the marines.

Luckily for Lex Luthor, his penis caused all the trouble and his penis finishes it as well.

I knew it would end this way! Believe me. I've been here.

Lex Luthor decides he humans just can't handle Kryptonian DNA. That's what everyone has been telling Lois Lane for years! But now Lex Luthor has proven it! So he abandons his hybrid experiment and begins cloning a new hero from pure Kryptonian DNA. It's a sad little thing growing in test tube B-0. That's not an emoticon! But it is Bizarro! Apparently he'll be making his appearance in Forever Evil!

Bizarro #1 Rating: Me not like at all! Pure crap! Bottom ten in rankings! Which mean it actually pretty good! Unless me just confused. What me know? Me rank at #8 because me think it tell pretty good story about Bizarro. Plus me think it maybe explain scars on Lex Luthor's face! That worth the read alone!

Legion of Super-heroes #22

Why is Lightning Lad so muscular? If I had lightning powers, I'd never bother with working out. Hell, I don't have lightning powers and I never bother to work out!

The Legion of Super-heroes Plan A is to throw every single member at a problem until one of them has the ability to solve it. Why not? You could lose three hundred Legionnaires and still have too many to remember. Every now and then, the Legion needs a huge cosmic cataclysm to thin out their ranks. Otherwise Earth's economy would collapse from having to pay all of their salaries.

Last issue, nearly the entire Legion had been defeated by Tharok, The Persuader, and the Goddess of All Space and Time, Emerald Empress. The only two left standing were Lightning Guy and Saturn Gal. Why is Saturn Gal called Saturn Gal? What does "Saturn" have to do with "telepathy"? Maybe I'm just too ignorant of the scientific intersection of Astronomy and New Agism.

Oh. She's from Titan. That explains it. Kind of. I suppose Saturn Girl sounds better than Titan Lass.

And if you ever wondered why some of us comic fans grew up a bit maladjusted, I present Exhibit A.

They might be dead but I'm still turned on by their ability to collapse in the sexiest poses imaginable.

Hey, Jeff Johnson! It wouldn't hurt to portray the downed Legionnaires as if they've just been beaten nearly to death! These women don't look near death. At the best, I'd say they're feeling a bit languorous; at the worst, they're deep in erotic dreams.

Tharok, being composed merely of digital data, commands The Persuader to finish Lightning Guy and Saturn Gal. But Lightning Kid is too quick to be hewn in two. Saturn Girl uses her mental powers to stop The Persuader in his tracks. Until the most gorgeous woman in the universe SHWOOPS in to ruin her day.

No wonder Tharok and The Persuader are bald! Hair is a tactical disadvantage!

The Emerald Empress had better be careful about the types of hair pulling shenanigans she brings to the battlefield. She's got more hair than everybody in the Legion combined! With Saturn Girl out of the picture, The Persuader regains his crust and gets back to chopping lightning bolts.

Meanwhile, the other Legionnaires are still dead. Or in sexual ecstasy.

"Oh rock! I've never been fucked like this before! I mean, Ow! I'm dead!"

If you're wondering why I'm not showing the male Legionnaires collapsed in sexual gratification, it's because they simply look like they've collapsed from fatigue. Anyway, I'm pretty sure this kind of thing is why the Comics Code Authority was invented! Because so many young boys were growing up to be necrophiliacs.

The Persuader continues to beat back Lighting Lad. As he does so, he asks if Lighting Lad is going to "cry in his coffin." Oh! That's good! Now when I sing along to "You're So Vain", I'm going to sing, "There were clowns in my coffin! Clowns in my coffin!" Man, that's terrifying.

While The Persuader wastes time coming up with the "cry in your coffin" line (I have a feeling he's not too bright), Lightning Lass finishes fucking the dirt and blasts him in the back. KRACKOOM! That's the sound of justice!

If I were basing my Legion of Super-heroes ranking on Emerald Empress Moments, it would get a +15 already!

I suppose it's difficult using your mind powers when you're being flung about by your ponytail. Although it might help if Saturn Girl were grasping Emerald Empress's arm instead of holding her head. I guess Imra missed the "What to do when your enemy swings you about by the hair" class.

Tharok and the Emerald Empress, carrying Saturn Girl, transport away to safety in Tharok's Magic Portal while Lightning Lad dives in after them. The scene then shifts to the Promethean Giant where Tiny Wazoo was last seen.

Shut up. I know her name is Tinya.

A mystery couple is following closely behind the Giant in a spheroid ship. I might have a guess who is flying the ship but I know nothing about Legion history. But the female wears a white glove and once thought she was lost forever! That's probably a clue!

Meanwhile on the Promethean Giant, Tharok and the others appear. That's a good place for them to appear so that Phantom Girl can save the day and prove she's the greatest leader that the Legion of Super-heroes has ever had!

Except Saturn Girl defeats the Emerald Empress with one of her mind tricks and then Invisible Kid and Frozen Boy return from the Land of the Dead. The only member of the Fatal Five left is Tharok and he's just information in the shape of a bald asshole. Although I don't think a fifth member was ever actually revealed. Unless the fifth member was the Promethean Giant. Maybe it was Comet Girl.

Oh Tharok. Could you at least let the Legion figure out how to defeat you on their own? Just like a villain to open their fucking mouths one too many times.

And then it turns out the Promethean Giant is the final member of the Fatal Five. You know what the biggest problem of the Fatal Five is? Limiting themselves to five members! Tharok does realize his greatest enemy has about three billion members? Tharok is one cocky son of a space whore.

The Promethean Giant begins smashing itself in the chest as it tries to smash the Legionnaires standing on it. I suppose it would just beat itself to death if Phantom Girl were the only member standing on it as it kept trying stupidly to crush her. But since the members of Legion standing on the Giant are crushable, somebody needs to stop the giant. And that somebody is Sensor Girl! And, um, Karate Kid!

Was that a surprise reveal? Were these two Legionnaires lost in time or something? Is this a moment where I'm supposed to cheer at their triumphant return? Because revealing that one of them is named "Karate Kid" kind of let the wind out of the sails.

Karate Kid does not do a flying kick into the Promethean Giant's face to end the battle. That may have been a more awesome way to end the fight but probably a bit unrealistic. And if there's one thing Legion fans demand, it's a sense of realism! So instead, Sensor Girl wakes up the Giant's real memories so it can realize it's being used by Tharok and turn on its puppet master.

All that's left to deal with now is Tharok and it's all up to Snow Boy!

"Least of all Legionnaires"? Shit, that's hugely debatable. Did you not see Karate Kid out there?

After all is said and done, only one Legionnaire is dead: one of Duplicate Damsel's duplicates. Phantom Girl hasn't returned and Star Boy is still missing, but they'll turn up in the last issue, I'm sure. I thought for sure this plot would end with the Legion's roster dropping a few names but instead it's gained a couple! Holy Two Girls, One Grail! This entire run is going to end with even more members than it began! And one of them is named Karate Kid!

Legion of Super-heroes #22 Rating: No change. I enjoyed Emerald Empress but then Karate Kid and Sensor Girl returned from somewhere and it didn't matter at all to me. That's when I truly realized I will never be a part of this club. Sorry, Legion of Super-heroes. But you just have too much history to truly be part of The New 52 Reboot. Perhaps DC should just start an offshoot company that publishes Legion of Super-hero comic books. It can be the Future 52! And instead of 52 titles per month, it would have 256!