Supergirl #9

This cover reminds me that I should do a review of that fucking awful DC Superhero Girls book. Holy shit that thing is terrible!

My intitial impression of the DC Superhero Girls book was that it was about girls supporting each other and getting along and friendship and yay! But then the first scene is Wonder Woman sparring with Cheetah in gym. Cheetah gets her ass beat and all the DC Superhero Girls cheer wildly while Gym Teacher Wildcat writes a big A on a piece of paper and shows it to her. "See? You get an A for beating up that girl nobody likes!" Cheetah slinks off without a word from any of these caring, kind, supportive girls. No "Good try!" or "You'll get her next time!" or Are you okay?" Nothing! Not a fucking word. They just cheer Wonder Woman and everybody celebrates Wonder Woman's accomplishments and Cheetah probably slinks off to go eat lunch alone trying not to listen to the whispers of the other girls calling her a bitch and a whore.

It's possible I'm reading too much into the comic book. Also, I haven't gotten much farther than that so maybe it all comes together in the third act to explain why everybody treats Cheetah like she doesn't exist and deserves to get beat down so Wonder Woman can get her precious A.

In this issue, Magog interrupts the embryonic Superman/Batman rivalry developing between Batgirl and Supergirl. He's upset about something Supergirl does in the future which is always a good excuse to create time travel so you can go back in the past to punch the person in their confused face. It seems Magog has become a member of the Fatal Five. Last time we saw New 52 Magog, he was just an angry kid transformed into a brutish adult by Circe to extract his revenge on the Justice League for not saving his family during Darkseid's invasion. That's the long way of saying he's just another irrational villain who, like most of America, don't seem to understand blame. So he's a time traveler who wants to avenge future slights in the past, he's a victim who has decided to blame the wrong people for his pain, and he's a villain who has no plan other than to battle a superhero. He's hit the trifecta of comic book tropes I can't fucking stand!

Ultimately, this current issue isn't about Magog and Emerald Empress and the Fatal Five and Saturn Girl and whatever plot all this fucking time travel bullshit will be a part of. This story might be even worse because the villain is Xa-du, a character whose appearance always make me exclaim, "Yawn!" Ben, Batgirl, and Supergirl all wind up in The Phantom Zone. Xa-du, wearing a creepy suit made out of the souls of Kryptonian prisoners, realizes he might be able to escape while wearing the skin of Kara Zor-el. Ew. What is with grown Kryptonian men wanting to wear Kara's skin?! This shit is getting ridiculous. Anyway, that'll be the riveting plot of the next few issues. I thought that nothing could be more boring than Kara dealing with her Daddy Issues and Cyborg Superman. But that's because I Xa-du is so utterly boring that I completely forgot he existed until now. Why is Steve Orlando doing this to Supergirl? And to me!

I wonder if I can find a way to blame Eddie Berganza?

Supergirl #8

Check it out, kids! A free digital comic book on this $3.99 comic book that used to cost $2.99! What a deal!

So DC Comics has decided they can no longer draw the line at $2.99 on monthly comic book titles. But what they can do is distract everybody with a free digital comic code! I'm super angry about this right now! Not because I have to pay an extra dollar on the monthly comic books but because I could be talking about Emerald Empress's tits! I particularly like the giant one leaking milk in her right hand! Wowzers!

The story begins with Kara being excited by a visit from her cousin, Superman. That's because she's forgotten that the only time he comes to visit her is to criticize the way she chooses to live her life. It's always "Wear underwear when flying around the city!" or "Don't stick the Kryptonian memory crystals in your vagina!" and "Stop immediately punching people in the face when you meet them!" and "Stop constantly exploding your vagina!" He has a lot of advice on what she should do with her vagina. Krypton is a lot more like Earth than people realize.

Why would he bring up the time she died as an example of cousins getting together?! That's not sexy at all!

Supergirl is about to remember how awful visits from her cousin can be when he begins to explain that today is a Kryptonian holiday: The Day of Truth! On this day, "Kryptonians tell only the truth, no matter how blunt or brash." Holy fuck. That sounds like the worst holiday ever. I have a feeling most Kryptonians took the day off work and locked themselves in a dark room until it was over. The problem with that kind of holiday is that most people's "truths" aren't truths at all! They're just terrible opinions a person thinks which they want to label as truth so they don't sound quite as horrible expressing them. What The Day of Truth really sounds like is a woman's every day experience on Twitter as sea lions harass them endlessly with "logic" and "reason" and "polite discussion." And of course Superman's first thought on The Day of Truth was to go harass Supergirl with some of his "truths." I said it at the end of the last commentary when he appeared! Superman only visits to tell Supergirl how she's living her life incorrectly. Even when she died in the crisis on infinite Earths, Superman made it all about him!

How about saying, "Go to hell, you prick! Why aren't you spending the day with Lois, hmm? Is it because you know this holiday sucks ass and you'll just wind up saying a bunch of shit you'll regret later?!"

I bet Superman totally just made up this day.

I wonder if the Kryptonian Fox News affiliate had to go off the air on this day?

Luckily for Superman (because if Kara is going to tell the truth, Kal's about to get buried in some), Emerald Empress begins attacking a cement mixer in downtown National City. So instead of attacking each other in the spirit of the holiday, Supergirl and Superman fly off to speak some truth to Emerald Empress. If Superman doesn't say, at least once, "You are so fit!", I won't believe he's taking the day seriously.

Supergirl can't remember why Emerald Empress is mad at her. That makes sense since Emerald Empress is from the future. She's probably mad about however this battle ends. Also, she has apparently already tracked down Saturn Girl in Arkham Asylum and learned that Supergirl destroyed her life. Again, I'm betting Supergirl destroys her life because Emerald Empress attacked her for no reason on the Day of Truth (even if the reason is that Kara destroyed Emerald Empress's life because she attacked her on the Day of Truth for no reason).

Supergirl explains that magic cannot hurt iron. And she says it out loud on the Day of Truth, so it must be truth. But I think she's wrong about that! I think the iron has to be smelted by a Rabbi or spit on by a priest before it can become an anti-magic talisman. I don't think Ford built their engines out of anti-magic iron. I definitely know Volkswagen didn't!

Supergirl defeats Emerald Empress with an engine block so Emerald Empress teleports away but not before truthfully saying, "This isn't over! Lots of people hate you! You might want to reconsider punching people in the face when you meet them!" Meanwhile, Batgirl voyeurs through batnoculars from a building across the way. I bet she just solved the Mystery of Supergirl's Missing Underpants!

Superman and Supergirl fly off to the Fortress of Solitude to eat dinner with Clark's family on the Arctic Express. I don't know why there is a train sitting outside the Fortress but I'm sure the reason can be found in a Golden Age story I've never read.

So she can't use contractions but she understands the way we categorize extended family? I don't even understand that shit!

After dinner, Superman and Supergirl play catch between the Earth and the Moon using the Supermobile. I would have used the Bottled City of Kandor.

Since it's the Day of Truth, Superman finally gets around to what he wants to discuss. He needs to tell Supergirl about how he is now the Superman of every DC Universe. I know Superman Reborn only showed two merging but that was probably due to limited space and/or artist error. I won't believe that DC needed to fix Preboot Superman by integrating him with New 52 Superman. That's like pissing in a milkshake to make it more palatable. No, Preboot Superman has definitely integrated with all of the Supermen that have ever appeared in any non-Elseworlds DC Comic book. And in so doing, apparently, he's changing all of the other characters into their united forms as well! The only thing stopping the process from being truly complete is a tiny dicked blue man on Mars.

Don't think about it too hard or for too long! Shh, shh. Just let it be.

Meanwhile, Simon Tycho apparently isn't a gelatinous butler encased in crystal (unless he became a sentient AI unit in Supergirl's Underwater Fortress of Secret Shame?) anymore. He's back running Tychotech and stealing technology and generally doing bad corporate things and pretending he's not a poor man's Lex Luthor. Also involved in corporate espionage (probably)? Batgirl! Everybody is looking into the rumor that Tychotech has developed (or, you know, stolen) the next big step in green energy. Catco, the DEO, and Batgirl's company (whatever it was called. Luke Fox's Cock Industries?) are interested!

The Ranking!
+1! This comic book became so much better when Cyborg Superman was removed.

Supergirl #7

I hate to complain about a comic book before I've even opened it but who am I kidding? Of course I love to!

You may have noticed the previous caption made no sense. Welcome to my blog, motherfucker!

You're just going to have to imagine what my initial complaint about the cover was because now I'm more interested in discussing the drop of wolf semen on Supergirl's face. Is that appropriate for a Teen comic book? Discuss! But not with me because I say, "Yes! Of course it is!" I'm pretty much up for anything. You hear that, Tom King's penis?

For some unknown reason, Dr. Shay Veritas, Omniologist, has become a main character in this comic book. Here is a list of reasons I hate Dr. Shay Veritas:

1. Her last name is Veritas. Please stop hitting me with the Not-So-Subtle Hammer.
2. She was created by Scott Lobdell who is terrible at everything.
3. She is an Omniologist which is a reminder that she was written by Scott Lobdell because he loves to stick the prefix "omni" on words to prove that he couldn't think of a better word.
4. She uses a cane. What a pretentious hipster.
5. She lives in the center of the Earth. Again, pretentious hipster.
6. She's a DJ. See annotations of point 4 and 5.

I hate to steal the homosexual slang terms because people might think I like to suck dick (don't read that sentence, Tom King's dick. You're different) but is this Supergirl throwing shade at Dr. V?

Dr. V does not stand for Doctor Vagina like you totally thought. It's Dr. Veritas, remember?!

Does anybody else have a problem with the DEO standing for Department of Extra-normal Operations? Wouldn't extra-normal mean even more normal than usual which would mean totally more boring and not more exciting like DC seems to think? If I described Thanksgiving as "extra-normal," people would think, "I guess nobody sucked any turkey dick this year." That's the exact opposite of what it would mean in DC's definition of "extra-normal."

I really seem to have dick sucking on my mind this commentary! Maybe it's because I'm just trying to raise awareness that there are dicks out there that need to be sucked. Go get 'em, dick suckers!

I guess Dr. Veritas doesn't live in her Time Cube in the center of the Earth anymore. She probably got priced out by Hipster Moloids trying to gentrify the DC underworld. Now the Omniologist works for the DEO in their monster containment lab. Need a monster contained? Dr. Veritas is your supremely intelligent person to do it! She might even be smarter than Lex Luthor. He's not a doctor of everything!

Boom! Truth bomb dropped by Dr. V! She really does know everything!

That's a pretty controversial statement, Dr. V. According to The Bible, God made two lights in the sky. Not one light and one thing that reflects the light of the first light. Blasphemer. Also, how does Dr. V explain Eclipso being just fine under the light of the moon, hunh?!

Dr. V's next question (after that panel) is "If moonlight affected Lar-on, why not the light reflected off our own planet?" Yeah! Why isn't he...um...affected by the light that hits him after it already hit him but after it hit Earth after hitting him?! Explain that, lycanthropes! My theory is that light picks up moondust when it bounces off the moon and it's that moondust that turns people into werewolves. Shouldn't the word be "wearwolves" since it's like they're wearing a wolf? But on the non-full moon days, they would be wherewolves because where are the wolves?!

I just wrote a better werewolf story than Twilight. Or whatever sequel of Twilight introduced the wolves. Breaking Moon?

Dr. V has some theory's about werewolves too!

The full moon just makes him angry! "Get out of here, bright light! It's night! It's supposed to be dark! Eeeeeew! I'm so mad! RAWR!"

To cure Lar-on of his Moon Anger (which is the preferred new terminology for his condition), Supergirl must venture into his mind! Why is this a technology that only exists in comic books and usually terrible movies? Why can't I enter the mind of somebody else already so that I can figure out their problems in a metaphorical world created by their personality and ideology? Probably...I started this sentence before wandering off to watch the new It trailer and now I can't remember what I was going to write. Also I need to change my underwear. Be right back!

Supergirl enters Lar-on's mind where he's currently processing Daddy Issues.

No one plans for Lar-on's mother's death? That seems...reasonable?

I've got it! The man in the moon looks like Lar-on's dad which is why he gets so angry he transforms into a wolf! Boom! I'm smarter than Dr. V!

Supergirl finds some other clues as well. She notices Red Kryptonite seems to be behind Lar-on becoming a werewolf. Oh yeah! That's so much the most obvious excuse that I totally forgot about it. Who uses Red Kryptonite in modern comic books? Basically it's only real use was to turn Superman into a stereotype! Or a cabbage. And nobody approves of either of those things anymore, except maybe the awful, terrible monsters who eat fish tacos.

You know what would help make things go as planned? By first making a plan, dum-dum!

After battling the werewolves of Lar-on's hopes and dreams, Supergirl follows mini-werewolf Lar-on into his father's Greenhouse Observatory. I know his greenhouse is red but you wouldn't know what I meant if I had called it a redhouse, would you? You would have been all, "Wait. His observatory is a barn?" Lar-on had dreams of exploring the moons of Krypton even though nobody on Krypton could leave Krypton because its gravity was so strong. Unless that isn't a thing in Rebirth? I don't remember. Maybe people have always been able to leave Krypton and I'm remembering one imaginary tale I read when I was twelve. Anyway, Lar-on's dad is all, "You suck, Lar-on. You're not smart enough to do anything. Although based on these super duper Daddy Issues I'm heaping on you, you'll someday be a DC Superhero! So take heart in that, you moronic twat."

Stop it, Supergirl! By curing his Daddy Issues, you're relegating him to an extra-normal life! OH! I finally get the DEO's name!

Lar-on's dream was to travel to Krypton's moons but his father was all, "That's a stupid dream." So I was as close I as I could come to the truth with the limited knowledge I had after reading three pages of this comic book! But then again, you could guess the answer to every mystery in a DC book was "Daddy Issues" and you'd be right one hundred and ten percent of the time.

I never said I was good at math. I think I even once said I was terrible at math! Also, I might have said I was actually good at math. Which is truth? Dr. V might know!

Supergirl flies Lar-on to the moons of Krypton in his mind. That should cure him of his Daddyissuesthropy! Now he can become Kara's faithful sidekick, Superwolfboy.

The issue ends with Superman paying a visit to Supergirl. Join us next time when Superman tells Supergirl how she's doing the job all wrong!

The Ranking!
+1! It earns that change in rank just for not being a Cyborg Superman story!

Action Comics #975

"Bizarro am looking at Superman's ass!"

You might be thinking, "Shouldn't it be 'Bizarro am not looking at Superman's ass'?" No! Because he's embarrassed that he was caught looking at it and he's denying that he was looking at it. Which sucks for Bizarro because most people who aren't bothered with trying to understand the whole "Bizarro speak terribly" thing (I don't know if I meant that in Bizarro or not. Bizarro speak really am good. Bad. Whatever) will just nod their heads in agreement and think, "Yeah you are!"

The good thing about being a full week behind on my comics (in a manner of speaking. I currently have 28 comics in the stack. At 14 per week and this being so close to a new week when I should have about 14 in the stack anyway, I'm one week behind. Maths! But then some of those comics are a month behind because of the odd way I've been reading them. Like how I have two Mother Panic issues to read) is that I get to read the last three Superman Reborn comics at once! Probably not at one sitting though. I'm already jonesing to play Friday Overwatch.

At the end of the last issue, DC included a page with a title something like "Who is behind Mystery Clark Kent?! It's not as surprising as you might think so here are five super villains that DC has been using way too much lately. Try to guess which one is behind the mystery!" Then, like this cover, it had a bunch of characters to choose from. I forget exactly which ones but I'm sure it was Doomsday and Cyborg Superman and Mongul and Brainiac and Mr. Mxyzptlk. I'm sure Mxy was included because there's a bad thing about being a full week behind on reading comics too: I already saw Mxy on the cover of Superman #19. I'm glad he's the villain because he hasn't been as overused as the other ones. Plus it's easy to explain any inconsistencies in the plots since Rebirth if the person behind the story is Mxy and not just Dan Jurgens.

At the end of the last issue, Jon Smith was wiped out of existence. There's been a lot of that going on. He was wiped in Justice League too! To increase tension, DC Comics probably should have waited to release Supersons until after this story concluded. Now I know he's going to be fine or else the next issue of Supersons will be Superson. And that will be a little too confusing if it's a comic book about Damian Wayne and called Superson. People will begin thinking somebody was cuckolded.

Clark and Lois (the Smiths! Not the Kents!) head to Clark Kent's apartment in Metropolis to search for Jon.

No! No! Not the fridge! This is going to be grotesque!

Jon isn't chopped up inside the fridge even if that would have been the best Rebirth moment yet. Instead, it's full of junk food. If it wasn't for the cover with Mr. Mxyzptlk on it, I'd be guessing Bizarro was the culprit. But I'm also a card carrying member of the Trixie Belden School of Detectivanting (that's doing detective work while gallivanting around the globe) so I saw some huge clues earlier that Clark Kent couldn't be Bizarro. Like how he could conjugate "to be". Not that most Americans could conjugate "to be" if you asked them. "To be. To have been. To be better. To behave?"

Clark appears out of nowhere (he must have been in nowhere since Superman didn't hear his heartbeat nearby). Superman immediately resorts to violence while accusing Clark of taking their son. That's understandable, I guess. I don't know if I'd be angry if somebody took my son but if they took my cat, I'd throw punches first, ask questions later (after regaining consciousness from being beaten up because I suck at fighting). Clark responds with, "Oh, the son you never told me about?!" Why the fuck would Superman need to tell Clark Kent about his son?! This guy has an ego problem. Hmm. Being that Clark is really Mxy, that previous statement is pretty fucking obvious.

Mr. Mxyzptlk reveals his plan to Superman. He was just trying to help Superman regain his secret identity by pretending to be Clark Kent. And he wasn't just pretending! He cast a spell so strong that he truly believed he was. Well, he calls it a spell. But really, he's just manipulating three dimensional reality the way I...well, never mind what I was going to compare that to. It's personal.

Mxy reveals his plan but not his identity. He wants Superman to guess! Well, that should take the rest of the comic book seeing as how answering questions isn't as easy as punching faces.

Wait. So he is Bizarro? I'm confused!

Mr. Mxyzptlk finally reveals himself and tells Superman that he's going to make everybody forget about Jon the way Superman forgot about Mxy. That's cool. I'd be okay with the moment at the end of this issue where Lois says "Jon who?" being the end of the Superman Reborn story. I'm already forgetting about the little fucking cat murderer.

The Ranking!
No change! At least Jurgens didn't wait until the last possible moment to reveal Clark Kent's true identity. Also, I don't know why I'm doing this ranking bit when I haven't even mentioned the back-up story yet! Whoops!

The back-up story takes place in a world of doors. It's where Jon's being kept captive by Mxy. Maybe "captive" is the wrong word since they're just hanging out the way friends do. Although if my friend Doom Bunny ever dropped by unexpectedly, I'd feel like I was being held captive in my own home. So maybe "held captive" is synonymous enough with "hanging out with friends."

Mxy tells Jon a story about the last time he tried to come to Earth to fuck with Jon's dad. I mean play with him! I guess "fuck" and "play" can also be synonymous, right?! Anyway, when Mxy appeared, he was instantly captured by Dr. Oz. Mxy's feelings were hurt when Superman never came to save him. He really does have a huge ego, doesn't he?

Mxy lets Jon know that he's stuck in Doorland until Superman figures out how to beat him. How will Superman get Mxy to say his name backwards this time? I bet he just punches Mxy in the face until Mxy says "Uncle." I mean "Kltpzyxm!"

Supergirl #6

Is this the inappropriate cock drawn on the cover variant?

• Right now, I don't know if I want to name my own price on car insurance or fuck Flo deep in the ass.

• In a lot of ways, that above bullet point is everything I strive for this blog to be. I fail an awful lot. But that bullet point up there? That's pure.

• This issue begins with a super exciting moment that forces me to pretend that I'm not now sitting uncomfortably in a load of sticky baby creation vinaigrette.

To be fair, my current pants situation might not be entirely the fault of the word "finale." I did just spend an awfully long time staring at that ad of Flo putting the name your price gun right up to against her lips.

• The main problem with these constant reboots is that fans that stick around from one new universe to the other are forced to reread the same fucking stories over and over again. I fucking get it already, Steve! Supergirl has worse Daddy Issues than that stripper I tipped too well and made too much eye contact with who thought that was an invitation to provide a therapeutic ear for her as she gyrated near my vinaigrette decanter. Is it too much to ask that when I walk into a building that screams in bloody neon "Objectify women sexually here!" that I not have to learn that they're real people with real problems?!

• A lot of what I write is just lying for entertainment reasons (mostly my own entertainment). Like, did I really go to a strip club recently or was that just to build a metaphor I thought was funny? Am I really sitting in a squelchy load of nutsauce? Have I ever found Flo attractive? I mention this because I was reminded of my favorite stripper ever by fabricating that last stripper story and I wanted to retell it but I wanted everybody to know it was absolutely true! So here it is:

I think I met a stripper super villain in Vegas this weekend. She told me her name was Princess Unicorn Pants and for $25, she'd stab me in the face and choke me. All that for $25?! How could I refuse! I wonder if that's why I can barely speak now? It could also be the cause of my spontaneous loss of depth perception.

• Okay, so I can tell you part of that story isn't true because I still regret not finding out what would have happened if I'd spent that twenty-five dollars. I like to think Princess Unicorn Pants totally understood me and that she doesn't offer the Stabby-Chokey to just any pervert who wanders into her club.

• The only reason I had an orgasm in my pants over the word "finale" is because I noticed before reading the first panel of that first page that it begins with somebody in the New York Headquarters of the DEO saying, "Chief Bones." That totally would have been the money shot.

• Currently, National City is being attacked by Cyborg Supermen from outer space. This is happening so that Steve Orlando could use the pun "Rain of the Cyborg Supermen." Totally worth bringing back Cyborg Superman and going over nearly the same ground covered in The New 52 Supergirl comic book.

• Cameron Chase, Dr. Veritas, Cat Grant, and Supergirl have a plan to finally defeat Cyborg Superman. Hopefully in one of those "once and for all" kind of ways. Hopefully they'll smash him into scrap iron and toss him into the sun. Then they'll run some kind of spectrographometer that will pop out a punch card reading, in English and verified by Wonder Woman's lasso, "No trace of Cyborg Superman. Utterly destroyed forever and not 'forever' in comic terms but in the actual definition of forever. Good riddance, fuckbumble." It would be odd for a machine to use the word "fuckbumble" but that could be used as a seed for some future plot where machines rise up, not to take over the world, but to just be really snarky assholes to the people trying to use them.

Oh, the Kryptoniad! Who can forget it's powerful first line: "Great Krypton lay in a dark and stormy night."

• The joke in that caption probably fully hit for only like five people.

• To stop the Cyborg Superpeople, Cat Grant uses the Catco App on the phones of every citizen of National City who uses the app because they didn't read the terms of service that stated "We can hijack your phone at any time if it will help save National City (or promote Catco Enterprises in any way)." The app sends out a signal that shuts down the Cyborg Superpeople, allowing Supergirl to walk up to a now powerless Cyborg Superfather and say, "Dad. Suck my fucking dick."

• Argo City crashes into the ocean a few miles out from National City and doesn't cause a tidal wave of any kind whatsoever. Also, Supergirl is more compassionate than I am. She doesn't tell her dad to suck her dick at all! Instead, she hugs him and is all, "We could have worked together, daddy. Why wouldn't you love me?" Then all of the heroes in the DC Universe feel the strengthening of another Daddy Issue and silently shed a tear.

• So instead of crashing into the sun and being obliterated for all time so I never have to read another Cyborg Superman story again, Cyborg Superman and his city crash just off shore from National City. Just the perfect place for Supergirl to shrug her shoulders and think, "I guess that takes care of that! No reason to follow up at all!"

Wait a second. The Pacific Ocean? National City is on the West Coast?! With a name like National City, I assumed it was a version of Washington, D.C. But not Washington, D.C., obviously, since it isn't the seat of the United States government. But more like the way Metropolis and Gotham are both kind of New York but New York still exists as well. I guess it's pseudo Los Angeles or quasi San Francisco or quasi-pseudo San Diego.

• Great. So now Hank Henshaw has become the Randall Dowling of the DC Universe? Now that he's returned from space with some secret super power, he's gallivanting around the globe collecting alien technology to use for his own ominous purposes.

• Later, one of Doctor Veritas's aides mentions why there wasn't any tidal waves and I'm all, "Oh, sure! Make me look stupid for wanting an explanation and then giving it to me later after I'd already complained about it." The tidal wave was absorbed by "Dr. Aquadus' field." I would have made that "Dr. Aquadus's field" but then I'm just a barbarian storming down the gates of language. I also will never for the life of me say "an historical something or other." But the weirder part is that a guy named Aquadus went into aquatic sciences! The weirdest part is that I first thought the tidal wave field absorber was invented by Dr. Aquadog.

• Supergirl didn't let Cyborg Superman crash into the ocean because she likes boring plots, I guess. She took him back to Dr. Veritas's lair in the center of the Earth to be made Kryptonian again. That would make more sense if he were human because you'd understand that when I said "be made human again" that I meant he was being de-robotified.

The Ranking!
No change! It was difficult to check my excitement on reading the Chief Bones comment but I had to rate this book based on its merits. And its merits only consisted of phrases that included the words "Cyborg" and "Superman," so I couldn't help but be mostly bored by them.

Supergirl #5

Remember that mirror anecdote I used in the last review? I'm fucking smart and shit.

I don't know how long I'll be able to enjoy reading comic books this morning because I just discovered my stupid fucking comic book store put two copies of Suicide Squad #9 in my pull box (with different covers) instead of giving me Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #4. Who wants to be when I go back there and start busting heads later today (if I can even find the energy to leave the house because now I'm super depressed with my life not having gone smoothly in this tiny instance) that they won't have any more copies of that comic book?! Fucking hell. My life is the worst. And I don't mean that in a hyperbolic way. Totally serious. The worst. Not even joking to make a point.

This scene is a good analogy for me and my comic book reading habits. I could avoid reading all of the bad comics but instead I just stand there and rant and rave while they crash down upon me, leaving me a shuddering and miserable pile of organic goop.

Not that I think this is a bad comic book. At least not yet. It's just a boring comic book in a lot of ways, most of those ways being Cyborg Superman. I know I've harped on this four separate times prior to this (in each of the previous issues, natch!) but I think it can't be ranted about enough. Nobody wants to read any more stories starring Cyborg Superman! Kara's dad was a fucking loser in life and he's an even more boring loser in half-life! Please kill him at the end of this story. And not inconclusively! Tear him to bits, melt him down, smash his brain and throw it into a black hole. I suppose in comic books, even that isn't conclusive. So maybe have an epilogue where God appears and says, "Well, I guess that's it for Cyborg Superman! Even I couldn't bring him back after that!"

You might want to worry about the owner of that car's insurance company coming after you though.

Cyborg Superman does not die in this issue. He's not even defeated. Instead, the battle continues next issue. That's bad news for me because I have to read another Cyborg Superman story. But it's good news for anybody who likes to read my long, rambling digressions of life and comic books because by next month, I'm sure I'll be caught up on my back issues. That means instead of just summarizing the story by saying things like "Cyborg Superman is boring" and "Supergirl has a terrific bum," I'll say things like "Do you suppose if you jerked off into a toilet and then shit in that same toilet, the sperm would try to fertilize your turds?"

The Ranking!
No change!

Supergirl #4

Spoiler alert: zero bum shots in this issue.

The Review!
No change. Instead of one Cyborg Superman, this issue contains hundreds of them. That doesn't make the story better because when you multiply a negative number, it still remains negative. Unless the other Cyborg Supermen should also be thought of as a negative number and then the equation would wind up positive. But that can't be true because this wasn't the best Cyborg Superman comic book I've ever read. It was just another boring one because the character is boring. I'm sorry to have to drop that truth bomb on all of the Cyborg Superman fans who thought he was exciting. He was only invented to make people wonder if the real Superman had come back from the dead. He could have been Clone Superman, or Hoodoo Superman, or Sentient Protoplasmic Jelly Superman. But Dan Jurgens went with the cyborg angle because Dan Jurgens is a robot with no input devices to upgrade his knowledge so he's basically stuck in 1986. Cyborgs were pretty fucking hot in 1986! None of that explains why Steve Orlando has decided that another Cyborg Superman story would be exciting in 2016 and 2017. Am I supposed to be excited about them because of the storytelling trend of using robots and machines as a mirror to our own humanity? Probably because that's basically what's happening to Supergirl in this story. She's learning what it means to be human. Too bad I'm just learning what it means to be bored.

Also, I still can't stand Cat Grant. Such a terrible human being. She thinks she's so much better than everybody else and she speaks down to them constantly and acts like she knows everything and is super hyper-arrogant! Why would anybody read anything I write? I mean she writes! So awful.

Supergirl #3

Lucky Cyborg Aliens get to see Supergirl's bum.

I posted a quote from my review of The Lost Boys #3 on Facebook yesterday and these were the immediate responses.

My profile picture is Oliver Queen making out with a bear.

This, in a nutshell, is why people can't stand satire. The target of satire is such a small bulls-eye that most people will miss the point entirely. In the above example, people with the attitude it was meant to mock praise it. Others who read it and thought it was serious but thought it was a disgusting and sexist statement probably just rolled their eyes and moved on, possibly unfollowing me because they now think I'm a disgusting bastard. But does that mean satire should be done away with simply because the target audience is so narrow? Fuck no! Because without humor like this, I would find little joy in the world. Statements like the one in the screenshot above are also why people tend to think I'm unsubtle and shallow and sexist and stupid. Because they don't realize that writing takes a lot more effort than reading. Reading is fucking easy because you're backed up by all of your prejudices, biases, issues, and life experiences. You don't have to think, "What does this bit I'm reading intend to communicate?" You just read it and think, "Sexist." Or, like the guys on my Facebook timeline, "YEAH BOY!"

I want to write to an intelligent audience, no matter how stupid and terrible I may come off to those incapable of comprehending my true wit!

Plus I'm facetious as fuck, so I can't blame anybody for misunderstanding the majority of the things I write. Sometimes I'm making a statement and sometimes I'm just making myself laugh. Somebody's got to be funny enough to do it!

This issue begins with Supergirl headed into space to investigate Cyborg Superman's claim that he saved Argo City and Kara's mother. Kara's Other Mother, Eliza Danvers, decides to go with her.

I just noticed that Supergirl doesn't use contractions in English in much the same way Starfire didn't in the Teen Titans cartoon. Is that shorthand for a character speaking a non-native language? It must be since she does use contractions in the flashbacks where she's speaking in Kryptonian.

The DEO has ships capable of attaining speeds that will allow Eliza to finish this space journey in her lifetime.

Argo City is floating just outside the orbit of Saturn. So I suppose even with current space vehicle speeds, Eliza could make this journey in her lifetime. It's just that she'd probably not want to spend more than half a decade heading to Saturn and back just to get a glimpse of Argo City.

On Argo City, Kara discovers that all of the dead Argonians have been resurrected as Cyborg Argonians, including her mother. I would be so angry if I had thought my entire family was dead and then somebody came along and brought them all back to life. I was free of them, you monster! FREE! You might as well chain me up and throw me in a cell as create a social situation where I'm constantly bombarded with a sense of obligation to others!

Other stuff happens in National City while Supergirl is away but since it features characters that are assdicks like Cameron Chase, Cat Grant, and Ben Rubel, it doesn't interest me. The part of the story with Supergirl shouldn't interest me either because it's more fucking Cyborg Superman but it also involves the possibility of getting a glimpse of Supergirl's Bum, so I'm giving it my full attention.

Supergirl realizes her mother and the other cyborg denizens of Argo City aren't really anything but automaton look-a-likes. Cyborg Superman assures her he has a way to bring them all to life but he doesn't go into detail. Probably because it's the same detail as the last time Supergirl experienced this story: he needs Supergirl's skin. And probably her memories and life juice and stuff.

Why did Orlando feel he needed to retell this story? I know this isn't a retelling but actually a different telling of Supergirl once again coming to Argo City at the insistence of her cyborg dad. It's like reading Genesis. How many times do I have to reread stories about a husband convincing some authoritarian that his wife is actually his sister which only winds up in some ludicrous Three's Company situation where the authority figure decides to marry the guy's wife only to be cursed by God? Then the king or Pharaoh not only repents but gives the guy a large sum of money to keep quiet about the little mistake. Now I've practically read Supergirl going to Argo City to be manipulated by her fake dad almost as many times as the "My Wife is My Sister Con" from The Bible!

The way to bring the Cyborg Argonians completely to life is to steal the life from another living creature. Cyborg Superman has decided the people of Earth will do nicely.

The Ranking!
No change! I feel like I'm not going to get an accurate reading on how much I like this comic book until Cyborg Superman is no longer in it. I suppose writers bring back the same damn villain over and over again because each one was created for a specific thematic reason. Since this is a reboot to Supergirl's life, Orlando needs to establish how she fits on Earth as quickly as possible. The easiest way to do that is to have her deny her Kryptonian heritage, even if what she's denying is a twisted, monstrous version of it. She needs to shove the past away and look to a future with the DEO, the Danvers, Cat Grant, and Ben Rubel's penis. Like the speaking without contractions, Cyborg Superman is shorthand for Kara moving on and accepting Earth as her home.

Supergirl #2

When Superman does this, everybody screams, "IT'S SUPERMAN!" When Supergirl does it, everybody screams, "BREASTS!"

The Commentary!
Have all of Marvel's superheroes been given a teenage girl version yet? Supergirl was so far ahead of her time! I'm holding out for Young Female Punisher and Young Female Moon Knight. As long as they aren't the most intelligent teenager to ever teenage in an intelligence contest. I'm so tired of that myth! A super smart teenager! Come on! So unbelievable.

Supergirl has recently run away from home because she's the only girl on the planet with a mansion made of crystal in the Arctic. Although Ma and Pa Danvers are super spies working for the DEO so it's not like they don't have access to a supersonic snow copter which they could requisition to be able to fetch their daughter. Supergirl thought being alone while writing entries in her diary that featured the phrase "so mean to me" over and over again would help her move past just another moment of teenage drama. But instead, she has flown smack dab into the middle of even more teenage drama! Because her cybernetic dad is waiting for her! He's all, "Daughter!" And she's all, "Suck my butt!" What she means by that is "You are not my father! You're just a crazy robot that thinks it's my father who just wants to wear my skin!" It's true. He does want to wear her skin.

It doesn't take too many panels for the punching to start. Usually Kara begins the punching but this time, her father shoves her into a wall because she touched his shoulder. That's fair. It's not like she asked for consent to touch his shoulder. That's his personal space, Kara, not your funzone playground of tender time touches.

Cyborg Superman ends the encounter by exploding all over the inside of the Fortress of Solitude.

I have a suspicion that nearly every teenage girl has uttered these words. Minus the "by Rao" bit.

After her psychosexual experience with her father, Kara heads to National City's prison, The Ditch. Every big city in the DC Universe gets their own prison! That's because prison breaks are exciting comic book events which are mandated by editorial. Supergirl visits not to taunt the guy she captured in the first issue but to counsel him in the hopes he can be rehabilitated. Is counseling prisoners a school project? On what authority is a sixteen year old with no counseling experience allowed to enter a prisoner's cell to counsel him?

Supergirl: "You know what you did was wrong and totally mean, right?"
Criminal: "Just touch it. Come on! At least look at it!"
Guard: "All right! That's enough! Get her out of there!"

Later at school as Kara tries to erase the sight of a flopping prisoner's penis as it strains to become erect, Cat Grant hosts an assembly where she picks a student for her Young Innovator's Program. That student is, of course, Ben Rubel, the smartest kid in the DC Universe (tied with all of the other kids in the DC Universe). But since this comic book isn't called Ben Rubel, Cat Grant chases down Kara Danvers to offer her a chance to be part of the program too. It's because Cat Grant understands that girls need the extra help since society has taught them to not speak up as loudly as boys. Of course, Kara Danvers grew up on Krypton so that doesn't apply here. This was just a case of Ben Rubel being one of those loud dicks who thinks pushing people out of the queue in front of you is just a smart tactical decision to get what you want. Although, to be fair to nobody, Cat Grant really shouldn't have asked a question to an auditorium full of students expecting some kind of fair and equitable response among the crowd. Besides, Kara began speaking and Cat noticed. But then when Ben said, "Miss Grant! Miss Grant!", Cat called on him to answer instead of Kara. So, you know, Cat's kind of a dick.

I hate Cat Grant.

Basically, Cat Grant's idea for the next big movement in news is to water it down even more with amateurish, emotional stories about individual experiences that are expected to be extrapolated to everybody's life but really don't mean anything to anybody except to give them a quick jolt of sadness, happiness, or anger that will dissipate and be forgotten quicker than their shot of morning caffeine. What it sounds like she's trying to do is to set up Tumblr but advertise it as a legitimate news source. I mean, really, "open source news available to anyone"? Isn't that just the Associated Press?

On her way out, Kara runs into Ben and they almost have sex right there in the elevator. Actually, they bicker and argue but I know what that's code for in comic books! And television shows. And movies. And literature. And in everything, really, except real life. I know the women I've constantly bickered with because they were pretentious idiots who never actually knew what they were talking about just annoyed the fuck out of me! Guys, too, but then there was never the societal expectation that if I constantly bickered with another man that we should "get a room."

Later, Kara's Fake Mother Boss asks her how her interview with her Soon-To-Be Other Fake Mother Boss went. After that, Cyborg Superman once again speaks to Kara to tell her that Argo City is just about ready and guess who's waiting for Kara there? Her Fake Cyborg Zombie Mother! Kara really has too many parents in her life.

The Ranking!
No change. This comic book is concentrating on the worst drama in a teenage girl's life: parental drama! I don't care about the adults in Supergirl's life! Especially Cat Grant! Oh, and Cyborg Superman! Oh, and the Danvers! I want to read about her dealing with Degrassi Junior High type shit! Also, she should be allowed to battle villains other than Cyborg Superman. Why do comic books feel they need to keep going over the same conflicts? What better way to drive people away from reading the comic books than to tell slight variants of the same story over and over and over? I think the constant repetition of "iconic" conflicts is making me nostalgic for Ann Nocenti. At least her shit was so fucking weird and nonsensical that I couldn't accuse it of borrowing too heavily from the past.

That being said, I like the look and tone of this comic book. It's just...Cyborg Superman again? It just feels like every new writer who comes onto a book brings a hot take on an old story. But it's still an old story! Plus it's Cyborg Superman! On the scale of villains I don't want to read about, he ranks right between Doomsday's left testicle and Doomsday's butthole.

Supergirl #1

Oh man! I hope her bum is as cute as her face!

The Facts!
• I love the term "hot take" for internet think pieces! Mostly because it makes every single opinion on the Internet sound disingenuous! Which, of course, they are! Now here's my hot take on Supergirl #1! You won't believe what I say!

• The issue begins with a poem, I think. And then a double page spread of Supergirl flying over Io which the comic book describes as "one of the last habitable places in the solar system." Are they crazy?! It's not habitable at all! It's all lava and lava plumes and lava lakes and lava lava and...oh wait! It says "least habitable." Never mind.

• The scene changes from Io to National City so the narrator can say "And so is this!" As in National City is also one of the least habitable places in the solar system! Ha ha! That's funny because...wait. I don't know why it's funny yet. Why is National City not very habitable? I bet it's because rent is so high because people are selfish pricks. If you're one of those house flippers, you can just fuck off from reading my blog! I mean, if you're a house flipper, you probably have better, more money making things to do than read a stupid blog about comic books. But I just want you to know that I disapprove of your actions! You aren't adding anything of value to the world! You're simply making it more expensive for people to find places to live so that you can line your own stupid pockets! I know your pockets are stupid because they're full of cash and I'm envious of them.

• Kara is currently learning how to parallel park for some reason. Parallel parking isn't on the driver's test so why bother learning it?! The only reason you need to know how to parallel park is because the streets are full of fucking cars because every old house in older neighborhoods has been converted into four or five units without any parking so now there are four to five times as many people with cars living on the block than there used to be and the only way you're ever going to park anywhere near where you live is if you can squeeze a car into a space three inches smaller than your car actually is. It's possible! But not if you go nose first!

• Later Kara goes to high school because she needs to learn how to socialize. She needs to know that punching people in the face and exploding your vagina in public aren't polite (although they are exciting!). Although aren't those the kinds of things people do in high school? I don't think she's going to learn anything new!

This makes no sense at all.

• Does Kara wear a wig when she's a high school student or when she's Supergirl? Or do Kryptonians living under a yellow sun have the power to change their hair color at will? I'm getting déjà vu typing this!

• Why does the phrase "déjà vu" have so many scribbles all over it?!

• Kara is having trouble at school because Earth school is way too archaic for her smarts. Her school is like "What is 2 plus 2?" And she's all, "I can only do infinity plus infinity or higher!"

• Kara has a classmate named Ben Rubel who is--get this!--a super genius! Wow! I'm glad DC Comics finally had the guts to create a smart teenager! Usually they just...oh wait. I was about to defend my statement when I realized I was being sarcastic.

• Ben is worried that Kara is super smart even though she can't use a toaster or do primitive calculus. And he doesn't want any other mysterious smart kids at his science school because that's his thing! Plus she might get wind of Cat Grant's Young Innovators Grant for People Not Named Grant. And she might win! Even though she can't work a pencil sharpener.

• Ben is creepily spying on Supergirl as she eats lunch and then gets suspicious when she leaves the cafeteria because there are still three periods left. Maybe she's fucking going to the bathroom, Ben! Maybe you should mind your own fucking business, Ben! Maybe you should stop trying to insinuate yourself into my girlfriend's life, BEN!

• Ben is right to be suspicious even though he really shouldn't have been suspicious at all. Unless she just ran out the door, down the front lawn, through the parking lot, and off into the horizon. That might be suspicious! But Kara just got up from her table and walked out of the cafeteria. So suspicious! I mean, she is leaving school to go stop a robbery on a train because she heard the threat with her super senses. But Ben couldn't know that, no matter how smart and mysterious he is.

This wouldn't worry me at all! I don't own a smart phone!

• I have two main reasons I don't own a smart phone. The first reason is that I don't agree with Contract Culture. I don't believe, to be a consumer, a person needs to agree to stay with a company for a certain amount of time. I understood that some of that was part of the system so that the true price of the phone could be subsidized and subsumed by the length of service demanded by the contract. That's changing to a great degree but it already spearheaded the movement where companies now love charging people a monthly fee for cloud based technology instead of a one time fee to own the rights to use a program indefinitely. But even if I were willing to pay the high monthly fee for a smart phone that didn't demand a two-year contract, I still wouldn't own one. Why the fuck do I want to be beholden to everybody who fucking knows me? They'll just demand my attention constantly! If they text, they'll know I have the phone on me and if I don't text back, they'll know I'm avoiding them! It's easier to just avoid everybody constantly by not having a phone at all! Besides, I am so super smart and full of information that I don't need to constantly check Google while having conversations to understand what everybody is talking about. And if I can't recall something, I don't mind living with a little mystery in my life!

• Speaking about how super smart I am, I watched The Exorcist on Netflix last night and I'm fairly certain I don't have a clue what's happening in three-quarters of that movie! I did notice before watching it that Sharknado has a higher rating on Netflix than The Exorcist. Does anybody actually use those five star ratings to determine what they're going to watch? I figure most people watching things on Netflix are idiots and their critiques aren't worth the part of the bathroom floor I sometimes accidentally pee on because my penis is looking the wrong way and I was too lazy to make sure it wasn't. I use the rating system simply to remember what I've seen on Netflix. If I watch something, I rate it 5 Stars just so I know I've watched it. I don't care how bad it is! Everything gets 5 Stars! Hmm, I might be part of the reason why you shouldn't trust the ratings on Netflix.

• The guy leading the data robbery on the train is an idiot. Supergirl uses her heat vision to melt their guns and he yells, "No! The Dataphage!" She does melt the Dataphage but not until the panel after he yells that. Next he tries to punch a sixteen year old girl in the face (she's fictional so it's okay. That's the same excuse I use to not feel creepy checking out her bum) and she uses her super breath to freeze his hand. He then yells--because he's stupid remember--"Gah! My hands!" Hands! Plural! Dude, you just broke one hand! Ah ha ha ha! What a massive idiot!

• Supergirl is all, "Why would you idiots be so idiotic to pull this idiotic stunt in my idiotic city? Idiots!" And Cat Grant is all, "I've got this now, Supergirl! You stop them from causing harm; I humiliate them!"

• Cat Grant acts arrogant and smart and professional. She's come a long way from publishing photos of Superman and Wonder Woman kissing on CatClarkTropolisStupidName.com. I hope somebody asks her about that site at some point so she can explain why she didn't sell it for millions of dollars when she had the chance. The only story it ever ran that got any hits was the kissing photo! You sell that shit when you get an offer, Cat!

• Maybe by not selling, Cat developed the site into her springboard to become the hottest hot person in National City! Look who's stupid now! Oh, it's me! Dammit!

• Cat Grant annoys me. Mostly because I can't stand strong, independent women. But also because she's arrogant and rude and has that thing in comic books where characters simply know everything by reading the situation to prove that they're super smart and capable. I hate that! That's not a thing! Here's a thing though: people who think they know everything by reading the situation as they try to prove how super smart and capable they are! But in comic books, those people never wind up being wrong! So annoying!

• Supergirl not only gets chewed out by Cat Grant for stepping in and saving the day in a way different than the way Cat Grant planned on saving it (which probably would have turned into a massacre once the robbers realized their Dataphage was corrupted by some asshat on the train who forgot to somehow hack their guns), she gets screamed at by Cameron Chase at the DEO for saving the day in a way that showed people Kryptonians are better than humans.

Shut up, Supergirl! Arrogant, asshole adults are telling you the way things are!

• The Danvers try to make Kara comfortable in her new home with them but they just fuck it all up the way parents do. It's because they're so old! They just don't understand what it's like to be young! Or Kryptonian! So Supergirl runs away to the Arctic.

• Supergirl discovers her other father, Cyborg Superman, is waiting for her in the Fortress of Solitude. He wants to take her back to Argo City.

The Opinions!
Great! Supergirl now has two fathers to worry about! Not to mention three mothers! Four if the corpse of her mother that Cyborg Superman was fucking in the Rebirth issue ever comes back to life! It's confusing enough having one pair of uncool people trying to teach you how to make your way in the world. How is Kara going to deal with a government agent, an alien cyborg, a narcissistic journalist, and two DEO field agents all trying to tell her the best way to live her life?! Can't they see they're going to drive her straight into Ben Rubel's bed! Bastards!

Supergirl Rebirth #1

This is not the end I'm excited to see back!

The Review!
Tonight while playing Call of Duty, a friend of my cousin's thirteen year old son joined our chat. His gamer tag was Marshall Law or something. At one point, he said, "Reading Rainbow," and my friend KCBlueGal began singing the theme song. So he said, "Ha ha! You're old! It was an old trap! You're old!" Which is, you know, annoying because he joined our party and should have some manners. So I said, "You already fell into the young trap by being an idiot." So then he kept bothering everybody to play another game and my cousin's son told him he'd play with him after the game we were playing. So finally we finished and my cousin's son said, "Okay, let's go play whatever," and he left the party leaving his friend. So I said, "Yeah, go sit around and say 'der' to each other." So Marshall said, "You're mean and I don't like you!" before leaving the party. I wanted to tell him, "You started it!", but then remembered I was supposed to be the old one. So instead I felt some accomplishment in knowing the lyrics to Reading Rainbow's theme song. Also in mocking a young kid! I think I probably mostly felt accomplishment in that! He was pretty fucking annoying. And ageist too! Oh, um, Supergirl is going to be totally awesome because it takes place in high school and high school drama is the best drama. Often it involves teenagers mocking adults which is totally hilarious! I mean, um, when it happens to other adults. My feelings are still hurt even if I put up a tough front. Oh! Marshall also said he'd rather be an idiot and young than old! I can't wait until he's an old idiot! Ha ha! Except then I'll probably be dead. Dammit! He wins again!

The Commentary!
Finally! Supergirl's bum is back! And it's going to be drawn by Lupacchino! At least in this first issue. Judging by the art in the Supergirl advertisements, it'll definitely be somebody else who is going to draw her butt too cartoony to be sexy. If that's true, I hope Emmanuela takes every opportunity she can to draw some sexy close-ups of Supergirl's bum!

This comic book is probably going to be its own thing and not a clone of the television series because this isn't the Supergirl comic book being written by Sterling Gates that's based on the television show. But DC is keeping it close enough so that fans of the television show won't be confused when they pick this up. They might be a little concerned that Eliza Danvers, Supergirl's mom, is the one working for the DEO instead of her sister. But they'll probably seen DEO Director Cameron Chase and think, "Oh? Didn't Charisma Carpenter play her in the show? But she wasn't director? Is that really Martian Manhunter under those boobs?"

Supergirl lost her powers at the same time Superman did because...well, I don't want to remember that. It was a dark time in the Superman Mythos which was stupid and stupider. It's better if we all just quietly agree to never mention it again. This issue begins with the DEO firing Supergirl into the sun in the hopes that it will restore her powers. And I imagine it'll work or else this comic book wouldn't be called "Rebirth." It would probably be called "Oops!"

Kara's father is also a DEO agent who isn't dead at all. Their names are Jeremiah and Eliza Danvers and they probably won't survive this issue. Supergirl's ship is using some kind of "Phantom" drive so you know what that means! Lars Lars-on, the horrible monster from Argo City with the Red Kryptonite problem who was locked away in the Phantom Zone, will probably return to cause trouble and not understand what socialism actually is.

Lars Lars-on arrives to blame the wrong people for his current situation. Also, he seems to be a Kryptonian Werewolf.

As Werewolf Lars Lars-on tears the DEO seventeen new assholes, Supergirl flies into the sun and doesn't die. The experiment worked! She's free to flash that bum all over the world again!

I hope Lars Lars-on doesn't just kill Supergirl's parents. I hope it remembers to kill Mike-hole the girlfriend stealing dickpoo too.

Supergirl manages to travel from the sun to the Earth in about ten seconds which isn't enough time for Lars Lars-on to murder her parents. Now how is she supposed to learn about great power and great responsibility and justice! She might as well just learn about hugs and compassion and peace and love! Ptui!

Luckily for Lars Lars-on, his monster tongue enables him to speak rudimentary Kryptonian so Kara is able to calm him down by speaking reasonably with him and in a reassuring tone. She hardly punches him at all! What is this? Some kind of peace and love freak out?! What kind of superhero talks to the bad guys and clears up miscommunications through reasonable means and rational dialogue? Harrumph!

I do like that Kara is wearing a skirt again instead of that weird Kryptonian diaper she wore in The New 52.

Supergirl resists killing the Kryptonian Werewolf just like every werewolf hunter ever should do. And instead of sending him to The Phantom Zone because nobody can think of a solution that keeps the full moon from shining on him once every thirty days, Kara decides he can live in the basement of the DEO until they find him a cure. It's also possible they shoved him in a plastic bubble and medically induced a coma. Hopefully that's not what happened because that's practically just like being in the Phantom Zone.

Kara's parents have only been her parents for a couple of weeks but it's now their job to teach her how to be human. Good! She needs it! Up until now, she thought punching people in the face was an appropriate way to greet them! Maybe she'll also learn that fwashing her vagina at every super villain that comes along is sure to give her a bad reputation...as the most fun party hero in the DC Universe! I guess with her new DEO Family, Supergirl's stories won't be like every third Twilight Zone Episode: all about loneliness.

Based on the pacing of the New 52 Supergirl series, I can see it taking place in just a few months. Now how that fits into the rest of The New 52 continuity, I'm not going to understand even if I try to guess at it which I won't because continuity criticism is for nerds.

Supergirl is now beginning her new life as Kara Danvers, age 16, sophomore at National City Technical High School! She is going to fwash so many guys! And hopefully some girls too!

Meanwhile on the ruins of Argo City, Cyborg Superman displays a penchant for robot necrophilia. I think.

Because this is the end of my commentary, this is usually where I post a picture of Supergirl's rear end and call it a bum. But since Emanuela failed to draw even one shot of Supergirl's bum this issue, here is Cameron Chase's instead.

Bat-mite #6

Five issues ago, I thought I liked Bat-mite. Now I fucking hate this little fucker.

About thirteen years ago, I was hit by a car turning left in an intersection where I was crossing with the light. Here is an explanation from an assumed medical professional about what happens when somebody gets hit by a car:

When hit by a car, the vast majority of people are not run over; they are run under. The lower legs break, sending them into the air. They usually strike the hood of the car, often with the back of the head impacting the windshield, "starring" the windshield, possibly leaving a few hairs in the glass. They then go over the top of the car. They are still alive, although with broken legs, and maybe with head pain from the nonfatal windshield impact. They die when they hit the ground. They die from head injury.

I can physically attest to this statement being true even though those things did not happen to me. In my case, at the second or two before impact, I looked over my shoulder to see the car about to hit me. I have no memory about why I glanced over my shoulder. Maybe I heard the car. Maybe I saw the look of fear in a nearby squirrel's eyes. Perhaps God knew I still had comic books to make fun of. Whatever the case, I saw the car just before it struck me. I don't know the make of the car but it was one with the hood long low hood close to the ground. I jumped up just before impact which almost assuredly saved me from breaking my legs. The car hit my right calf, turning my body horizontal as I landed on the hood. I slid up the hood and impacted the windshield with my right shoulder. It wasn't my head because I made sure, even in that short space of time, that I hit with my shoulder. I was then launched into the air and to the side rather than over the top of the car. I helicoptered a few rotations and landed hard on my left hip. I instantly hopped up from the ground and ran in front of the car to make sure the person who hit me didn't make a break for it. A woman who had been stopped at the light near where I was hit told me she saw the whole thing and would be a witness if I needed one. I told her I was okay and would be fine but thanked her. The woman who hit me offered to take me to the hospital but I knew I was okay (okay, so a lot of people say they think they're okay when they're not after accidents like this and wind up dying from internal injuries. But I knew every place on my body that took impact (calf, shoulder, hip) and nothing felt any worse than after having played some tackle football (still, I suppose it would have been better to go to the hospital!)) and she offered to take me home instead. She gave me her card and made me promise to call her if I wound up needing any medical attention. I noticed my pants were torn at the calf where the bumper hit me and she gave me fifty dollars to buy some new pants. And that was it.

I have since learned to not trust signals and I constantly watch out for people turning left behind me now. So I'll probably get hit from some other direction next time. I hope the driver who hit me learned to not try to speed through a turn to beat other cars coming in the other direction so that she never has time to adjust for somebody suddenly appearing in her blind spot. I guess I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that she wasn't being extremely careless or high on crack. I truly hope the lady who hit me did not go through months or years of worry, wondering when she might get a call from my lawyer or next-of-kin!

That had nothing to do with Bat-mite but I figure I won't have much to say about this issue because it's the final issue. It's not like I'll need to remember what was happening next month!

I don't think the order of the heads has any real significance. It would make more sense if the old jerk said, "And he made himself Washington!" But then I don't know that the sidekick response would be appropriate since Jefferson wasn't, technically, Washington's sidekick.

Bat-mite also turned the Washington Monument into an Aquaman themed water slide, the Statue of Liberty into Wonder Woman, and building a Green Lantern roller coaster in the Grand Canyon. I can't say I disagree with any of that. But--big surprise!--the old government guy doesn't like any of it. He also seems to think the Statue of Liberty is an American woman! He really is a spot-on caricature of government officials! Ha ha! He's an idiot!

Bat-mite also decided to give make-overs to some of the candidates running for president.

Pretty fuckin' sure Bernie already has the youth vote, Bat-mite. And Corin Howell didn't quite catch the awful What-The-Fuck going on with Trump's hair.

I'm sorry! Bernie has the youth vote for youths who actually think and act like youths instead of being little cloned young Republicans. Come on! Those kids aren't natural! They're just desperate for their parents' approval! Although I suppose they could also be a severe type of rebellion from hippie parents like Alex P. Keaton on Family Ties. Whatever the case, they're monstrosities! There will be many years to be grim, wear suits, and natter on and on about taxes! Go have fun! Get in trouble!

Although, let's face it. It's not like they're any less annoying than the Free Speech is a Tool of the Privileged and Causes Literal Harm cenobites who want to watch the world burn one Twitter account at a time!

Bat-mite's next project is President Obama. Although he only has seventeen pages to convince Obama that no matter how many additional people now have health care due to Obamacare, it's still a law that forces people to patronize evil corporations. At least with laws that demand car insurance, I can choose not to own a car and thus avoid patronizing car insurance companies. But I can't stop living! I mean, I can! But I don't want to! It's unethical to tell me I have to give money to corporations whose business is entirely shady and who have fucked up the entire healthcare system through their greed. I am not against universal healthcare! I'm all for universal healthcare! But it should be provided by the government through taxes. We all know you have the money, Mister President! It's just you've decided to use that money for killing and subjugating brown people. I guess that's fair.

While in DC, Bat-mite discovers that a senator named Hardgrave is actually Gridlock! So I guess they're going to be fighting again.

Or watching Galaxy Trek together.

Bat-mite sends Gridlock into the television show where he's happy because nothing ever changes! The end! Except for the other end where Bat-mite is forced to return to his own dimension. Instead of clapping and jumping for joy and jerking themselves off from pure bliss when they hear Bat-mite is leaving, Reagan and Weed weep like babies. Probably like girl babies. Unless girl babies are tougher than boy babies. I have to wonder. Has any scientist ever run an experiment where they had babies of various genders battle it out to find out which ones were the toughest?

Anyway, Bat-mite rejoins the Justice Mites of the Whatever Dimension so they can battle Canceltron. I hope he tears them apart, stupid cherubic-faced Mites.

Bat-mite #6 Rating: No change. Yay! I'm glad this series is over! Not because it was terrible (it wasn't. Not really. It had some interesting ideas and I liked it's defense of change in comic books). And not because I apparently can't stand Bat-mite (at least Bat-mite written by Dan Jurgens). But because it's one less comic book to read! And one less comic book to read is one less comic book to read!

Bat-mite #5

Are they going to battle Generic Spider Person?

Can I pretend that I'm not reading a comic book where Bat-mite makes over the Inferior Five and instead goes on a blind date with Infectious Lass? I suppose it's more important that the Inferior Five get a make over because one of their characters is a dumb blonde woman named Dumb Bunny. That's totally hilarious if you've gotten into a time machine and went back in time to like three years ago and said, "Dumb Bunny is a blonde woman!" Then everybody laughs and laughs because they get the joke about how women are dumb. But since then, through liberal applications of science, faith, and television sitcoms, we've learned that occasionally men can be as dumb as women! So why isn't Dumb Bunny a man, hunh?!

I have a friend named Doom Bunny whom I call Dumb Bunny all of the time! He's not blonde or a woman or a bunny but it's still funny to call him Dumb Bunny. He sputters and acts indignant! As if he could even spell indignant! Then he pouts and goes back to reading The Cave of Time by Edward Packard. He swears he's going to get a good ending some day so he can move on to Journey Under the Sea by R.A. Montgomery.

Um, anyway! Back to the Dumb Bunny being a woman controversy that I'm making up right now. I'm happy the internet came around to explain to everybody how women and men are equal. It's hard to believe I spent my entire life thinking otherwise. Thank you, young people on the internet, for Youthsplaining things to me so that I could stop being a totally ignorant old person. Now I'm just a mostly ignorant old person. Finding out that women are as capable as men makes me wonder what else I believe which young people have yet to shrilly tell me is wrong? Can you imagine if the next thing they came up with was that the sun doesn't revolve around the Earth or that Mexicans aren't hardworking and family oriented?

Discounting my ego, my intense delusional paranoia, and my inherent bias that I'm the greatest comic book critic on the internet, that chalkboard is totally a secret message to me.

Bat-mite is fueling up because he plans to help the Inferior Five battle Gridlock's henchmen, the Grave Robbers! Each member of the Inferior Five are introduced on Page Two with the exact same wording as when they were introduced on the cover of Showcase #62 when they made their debut. Well, almost exactly.

Like, duh! Controversy averted!

I guess the joke is that she's a bunny and she's tough! Like how Doom Bunny is a bunny that brings doom. Totally ridiculous, right?! Ha ha! It's so unimaginable! A tough bunny! Who may or may not also be stupid. But that part of her character isn't tied to the fact that she's a woman or that she's blonde! Some people just aren't smart! And occasionally it's going to be a woman who isn't smart! Not often though because nobody wants to be Youthsplained to about punching in the right direction. I make sure when I punch women, I only punch women who are definitely taller than myself and are not wearing heels.

Bat-mite first has to finish his Sugaraccino before saving the day. Weed says, "I can't tie my shoes without my morning cup o' joe." Excuse me? A Sugaraccino is in no way coffee. It is sugar and more sugar with hints of some kind of coffee beverage hidden within the mix. Let's not pretend that people who drink Sugaraccinos are coffee fanatics. They are sugar fanatics, plain and simple. Coffee comes in a tiny cardboard or Styrofoam cup and is the color of that crayon that has "black" written on the label. It is bitter and too hot to drink. It does not have foam on it. It does not have sugar in it. It does not have anything that came out of a cow in it. If you're still confused as to what coffee actually is, visit a local church on any night that isn't Sunday or a holiday mass. If you see a bunch of people outside smoking cigarettes, go inside and drink some of the coffee they'll have for free on a table at the back of the room where some guy is talking about the time he drove backwards down the freeway while masturbating into a Jack in the Box bag and how in the morning, he couldn't remember if he'd eaten his food before or after the incident.

Ha ha! She's so du...I mean tough!

The Inferior Five continue to accidentally win the battle. They're incompetent but in a way that's so totally random and not sexist that the Grave Robbers can't figure out how to stop them. The Grave Robbers just stand around making comments about how much the Inferior Five suck while the Inferior Five slowly take them out.

Gridlock sends a humongous toy robot to help his henchmen escape. It also makes off with a priceless artifact that was probably valuable in 1986 and now it only appears on VH-1 rehab shows.

"The TV and Film Museum" is another way to say "VH-1."

Bat-mite decides to help after Tough Bunny acts really fucking tough. I mean dumb. And how is Bat-mite going to help? By transforming them into The Superior Six! I guess turning a bunch of parody heroes into real heroes is some kind of meta-parody? Or something?

Gridlock is going to be super pissed about this because he hates change!

Gridlock is so happy to be able to experience the Galaxy Trek pilot that he's forgiven Booster Gold for stealing all of his things. I wouldn't be so quick to forgive him. At the very least, I'd file a police report on Booster Gold. Just because you're a super hero it doesn't mean you have the right to take a super villain's possessions. He's just a vigilante acting outside of the law which means now Booster Gold is a vigilante and a thief. I bet he loses a bunch of endorsements.

Yeah Bat-mite! That's totally your fault! Like when somebody ruins their own life by stepping on somebody's toe and not apologizing so the toe-stepped-on person ruins the toe-stepper's life. Totally on the toe-stepper.

The Superior Six are huge dicks who love violence now, so Dumb Tough Bunny pleads with Bat-mite to return them to normal after Gridlock escapes with the pilot. Bat-mite realizes that parodies of old timey superheroes are more interesting than parodies of nineties grim and gritty heroes since they really just became parodies of themselves after about six months. And so the issue ends with Bat-mite realizing he only has one issue left to stop Gridlock. But will he have enough time?! The Shadowy Overlords of his home dimension have decided that he needs to be extracted from Earth before he makes over everybody!

Batmite #5 Rating: No change. Out before somebody Youthsplains to me how dumb is an ableist word!

Bat-mite #4

Booster Gold always freaks me out because his suit is painted on but he never has any genitals.

The last thing I dreamt before waking up was Tracy Morgan saying, "Rosario Dawson? That bitch needs to be hung up by the eyeballs." I have no idea what Dream Tracy has against Dream Rosario. I think she leaves windows open in houses which isn't the best idea in certain neighborhoods. Like the neighborhoods where it snows a lot.

The issue begins with Weed and Reagan walking into their apartment to stand aghast at what Bat-mite has done to it.

It's hilarious because it makes no sense how it got this bad! He was just making a sandwich!

Weed and Reagan deserve to have their house burn down. Who invites a stranger into their house and expects it to go well? Unless you invited the stranger to stay because you plan on turning that stranger into sausage later that night, things probably aren't going to go smoothly. You see, when you own a thing, you're careful with it because you know how much it cost you and how much you love it and how much you don't want it to become damaged. But a stranger just sees everything you own as disposable goods. It's why having children is a bad idea. Children are just strangers you're stuck with for eighteen or more years. Unless you get lucky and they run away or get kidnapped or fall out of a really tall tree.

I hope nobody who has lost children reads my commentaries because they might be offended by how I'm about to lecture them. How could you lose a child?! I get losing keys or a wallet or one sock. But a whole child?! How irresponsible and imperceptive do you have to be to lose a child? Just the amount of noise they create should make it easy to find them. Did you check between the couch cushions?

I lost a child once while "helping" at a wedding. It was unavoidable because I was watching The Little Mermaid while also watching an open door to keep the kids from walking out of the building. But The Little Mermaid was far more interesting than the kid who went under my outstretched legs and made a break for it. That kid shouldn't have been so boring. Maybe I would have noticed him! Luckily some woman who wasn't mesmerized by The Little Mermaid for some reason noticed and kept the kid from escaping forever. Unluckily, I had to slink out of the room and go bus tables while avoiding eye contact with anybody who might have been the child's parents or heard the story from that awful woman who didn't like The Little Mermaid. She may have saved the day but at what cost?! Who doesn't like The Little Mermaid?!

Booster Gold drops by because he needs to make a Scooby Doo joke and he also needs Bat-mite's help and maybe some genitals. Either set. I don't know why the absence of cameltoe or mooseknuckle in a skin tight outfit disturbs me so much but it fucking does, okay?! Nobody should be that smooth down there when I can see a perfect outline of their abs and ribs and all the muscles I never bothered to learn the names of because I don't think I have most of them.

Bat-mite teleports Booster out of the apartment to battle him. But he soon realizes Booster Gold is a good guy who actually needs his help. Booster is looking for Gridlock. He's the guy that's basically Dan Jurgens in comic book form. He doesn't want the world to change and laments the day the calendar switched from 1989 to 1990. He realizes that 1990 was still technically part of the "eighties" but preferred to think of the eighties as 1980-1989 the way that everybody does. Can't we all just agree to accept that the first decade of our current calendar was only nine years long? That way the years in every decade after go from "0 to 9" instead of "1 to 0." It would just make me feel better.

This "Booster/Buster" joke is acceptable because new people are being created every day and some of them have yet to read it.

I'm fairly certain Booster Gold is the only guy in comicsdom that ever gets called "Buster."

Booster Gold needs to stop Dan "Gridlock" Jurgens before he can stop time's forward momentum and wind it back to the eighties where people will be able to understand all of his dated references. Because they won't be dated anymore! They'll be timely!

Before Bat-mite helps Booster find Gridlock, he has to rehash all of the old jokes about Booster Gold's name from Dan Jurgens' initial Booster Gold run. Bat-mite also gives Booster Gold a makeover so he looks grimmer and is more death friendly. Dan Jurgens is still dealing with the changes made to comic books in the nineties. Just wait until he hears about this whole New 52 thing!

Do I smell a Beverly Hillbillies joke on the horizon?

After the makeover, Bat-mite finally takes Booster Gold to Gridlock's lair so that Booster Gold can save time. Or whatever he does. Maybe he's just doing this to earn some lucrative endorsement deal.

The big fight takes place but Gridlock gets away because this isn't Issue #6. But Booster Gold steals all of Gridlock's things. That seems like a dick move. It's not like Gridlock stole this shit. He was even keeping it well-preserved. Who's the real villain here?

After the battle, Booster Gold leaves because I guess he saved time by stealing all of Gridlock's toys and comic books. But before he leaves, he gives Bat-mite a copy of Reagan's photo album which Bat-mite torched a few hours earlier while making a sandwich. And Bat-mite gives it back to Reagan who appreciates it so much that she forgives Bat-mite for destroying it and tells him he can live with her and Weed forever. That seems a bit much. I can understand feeling gratitude but he was the one who destroyed it in the first place. And he's shown he has no respect for Weed and Reagan's things. I would probably kick him out and never speak to him again. But nicely and in a way that didn't cause him to think he needed to make it up to me.

Bat-mite #4 Rating: No change. This comic book is Dan Jurgens message to comic book fans, publishers, artists, and writers that they need to embrace change in the medium. It seems a bit ironic that Dan Jurgens is the person working this theme in his comic book since he still writes everything as if it were taking place in 1986. But I don't blame him for dropping references that can only be understood by old farts like me. All we have at our disposal is the shit that's permeated our skull and seeped into our brain over the time we've been extant. Jurgens may even be poking fun at himself because he's really a dinosaur in the comic field today. But at least he understands that comic books shouldn't be the same as they were in the nineties, or eighties, or whatever decade came before that. This entire story has been about change and makeovers (even if those makeovers themselves were distinctly out-of-date). At one point this issue, Booster Gold says to Gridlock, "You don't get to force your culture down the throats of the young." It's a silly comic with a lot of jokes that rely on knowledge of television shows from the eighties and earlier but I can get behind the message. Those people who complain about changes in comic books and characters? Just remember that those changes aren't for you and you won't be able to stop them from happening by ranting and raving. But you can write funny jokes about them and point out when they're fucking ridiculous! Like how Wally West was made into a troubled black youth from a broken home! Hilariously stereotypical misstep, DC Comics!