New Guardians #40

So many comic books ending! My tears are overflowing!

While I read New Guardians, I'm also going to be playing the Family Feud on my Applewin Apple II emulator. I figure I'll feel less sad if I'm enjoying a rousing game of guess the populist opinions!

Here's my family. We're orange because, being an Apple II, it was either that or blue or green or purple.

Speaking of orange, the first question was "Name the fruit with the best fragrance." I didn't know how to buzz in so the computer went first and guessed Strawberry. That was answer number two! And even though I don't believe it, I understand the game is about trying to think like the other automatons pretending to fit in and I guess orange! Number one answer baby! I also tried to guess "pineapple" during the round but the computer said the answer had already been given since I had already guess "apple." But then when the answers were revealed, "pineapple" was on the board! Fuckers! You're lucky I won that round anyway, Family Feud, or you'd be hearing from my game show lawyer!

Now I'm more interested in playing Family Feud than in reading about Kyle Rayner.

In the fast money round, Family Feud asked "What is the best way for a woman to defend herself?" I guessed "gun" and scored zero points. So the next time (because you get two tries. Haven't you ever seen the game show?), I guessed "scream." That was worth thirty points. I bet "whistle" would have scored big too! Probably anything that would have attracted a man's attention so that a man could come and defend the woman since she forgot to know how to use a gun.

Okay, okay! I'm reading the comic book now!

When we last saw Kyle Rayner, he was getting his ass handed to him by Oblivenom. But his friends had arrived to save the day! One of those friends was Exeter, the alien who used to guard The Source Wall's Baby Bump (which turned out to be Relic).

How is this modern visual story less exciting than a thirty year old piece of software emulating an even older game show?

Kyle and friends try to beat Oblivion into submission but it doesn't seem to be working. So Kyle suggests another tactic which seems to be exactly like the first tactic where they just try to beat it into submission. But since Kyle said they were trying something different, who am I, as a mere reader, to argue? Obviously what I'm reading is totally different now! I can't wait until they come up with the plan that will eventually defeat Oblivion. I bet it's beating him into submission!

Oh wait! I think Kyle just came up with a winning strategy!

Suicide! Hey, I'm all for this plan!

Fucking Saint Walker, Mistress of Hope, decides suicide isn't the option. He probably thinks it's never the option, the blissfully optimistic sock-faced monkey! But I think he should give it a chance this time. Maybe if Kyle hopes hard enough, he'll save the universe and return to life. See, if he dies then Oblivion dies! But Oblivion doesn't have the magic power of the White Ring to bring himself back to life.

I hope Kyle dies. See? Hope! Saint Walker should be helping bring my hopes to fruition!

Rules! Don't change them! Fuck them! Fuck them right in their snotty little didactic faces!

I hope Kyle Rayner, master of the Life Equation, realizes he can now pull that Bugs Bunny shit where he forces Diogenes Neves simply erase Oblivion from the comic book page. Then he can write his own ending where he lives forever on a world with infinite glory holes! Hmm, I don't know why I have glory holes on the brain so much today.

Kyle Rayner's plan is to split up the Life Equation across seven white rings so that no one White Lantern can utilize the equation. So instead of dying and ending the White Lanterns who are completely useless (mostly because I just claimed they are), he creates six more rings! Who does this fucker think he is? Sauron?

The white rings rush out across the universe to choose new hosts. Two of them are extremely lazy and decide that Saysoran and Exeter are good enough to join the White Lantern Corps. One ring picks a Daxam because it wants to be on some bad ass motherfucker that can be laid low by fishing tackle and paint from the seventies. One picks She-lob and the other picks some Doom Patrol dude from the Slineth Dimension. I guess one stays on Rayner and the final one is going to be a surprise for the last page. I bet it chooses some no-goodnik!

Together, the six White Lanterns beat Oblivion into submission and he disintegrates. Now all that's left is for one of the Bohemian Guardians to say, "Didn't we make seven rings?" And Kyle will be, "Oh yeah! I wonder where the seventh one went to?" And then the final page will be Real Deal Lobo going, "Feetal's Gizz, I'm gonna go frag me some bastiches!" Or something.

Kyle actually keeps the seventh ring to give to Carol in secret so that nobody can go after all seven White Lanterns and use the Life Equation for themselves. But Carol refuses it and ruins his plan. So Kyle just lets it go find some new secret member of the White Lantern Corps. It'll probably choose Real Deal Lobo.

New Guardians #40 Rating: No change. This comic book never really could figure out what it was going to be about. Eventually it settled on simply concentrating on Kyle Rayner which was far less entertaining than when it was about one member of every Lantern Corps. Although that story arc would have been more interesting if Tony Bedard had known what he was going to do with it. Maybe he did and he just couldn't get it all to come together with all of the Green Lantern cross-overs. Anyway, I'm glad another comic book with a character I really don't give a shit about is coming to an end. It was whatever!

New Guardians #39

Aside from the Green Lantern: New Guardians header, this looks like an exciting comic book!

How many assholes are rooting for Oblivion to murder Kyle Rayner? I'm sure I'm not the only person with both hands up and excitedly shouting, "Ooh! Me! Me!" You know what would be a nice ending? If Carol finds that Oblivion just stocked her refrigerator with fresh cold cuts.

Hmm, speaking of fresh cold cuts....

I, too, usually forget about my leftovers and they wind up going bad.

Kyle Rayner is having a nightmare about making out with his ex-girlfriend's reanimated corpse. At first it seemed kind of hot because she was wearing a loose skirt with no underwear and a belly shirt which exposed her belly button which was way too far down her belly for some rare medical reason. But then she started to rot in his grasp and things got decidedly less sexy from there on out.

It turns out Kyle wasn't kissing his dead girlfriend at all. He was kissing Oblivion, his evil doppelganger. Although he exists solely to destroy Kyle Rayner, so how evil can he truly be? Even Kyle, subconsciously, knows the DC Universe would be better off if he were dead. He really should hang out with John Stewart more often. That should substantially lower his chances of survival.

Kyle resists Oblivion because he just doesn't know what's best for fans of the DC Universe. Stop acting so selfishly, Kyle Rayner, and just let go! Like the poet said, "...go gentle into that good night." Your time is done, Kyle. You were simply a band-aid to cover the festering wound left by DC's decision to make Hal Jordan go insane. But since Hal Jordan is back and doing an adequate job, your role has become redundant. DC Comics is going to have to let you go. Plus, who needs a White Lantern anymore? Especially one that's a comic book artist who can rewrite the universe. I think somebody with some basic science and math skills might be better at the job. One wrong line of universal code and the whole thing will crash.

While Kyle battles Oblivion in his mind, Carol battles Oblivenom on the planet's surface. She's joined by Saysoran, the last living native of this planet.

And a bombshell! If Saysoran's boobs don't flop out of that dress during her laser battle with the all-powerful evil doppelganger of a cosmic crime-fighter, I'm going to find this comic book totally unbelievable.

Oblivion mentions that Saysoran will be the next White Lantern. That makes sense. I was wondering why her breasts were so huge and why she was so scantily clad. But if she's going to be a superheroine, it's good that she's already got the wardrobe for it.

Kyle sends the women away while he battles Oblivion. Not because he thinks they're not strong enough to help defeat Oblivion but because he's not strong enough to defeat Oblivion and he's embarrassed that two attractive women might see him die. A lot of punches are thrown as Kyle says, "I'll stop you!" Then Oblivion says, "You can't stop me!" Then Kyle says, "Oh yeah!" And Oblivion says, "Yeah!"

Once again, the ultimate message is power corrupts.

This is one of the problems with equating super heroes with cosmic police forces. Once you move from simply helping people in need to enforcing laws for the good of the people, you begin to think that you're the only one that knows what's best for everybody else. Removing people's free will for their own safety is usually a mistake. It winds up with you growing a beard, letting your hair go uncut, and finally ending up sitting upon a throne doing your best King Conan impersonation. For the most part, intellectually, I'm sick of these stories about good heroes who become "too good" and wind up being fascist dictators keeping people safe from their own freedom. But when you see how corrupt America's police force is, well, fuck it. I guess these kinds of stories are actually relevant.

Except they're fictional stories about super heroes who are above human fallibility! At least they used to be. Now the only way for a super hero to be interesting is if he or she exists in a gray area where anything goes. I think Superman and Captain America were just too successful at being good. Readers decided that "good" now meant "boring." Minor characters like The Punisher and Rorschach who were meant to be critiques about good guys going too far became fan favorites. Going too far became the norm while doing the right thing no matter what became passé. I just wish more characters fought crime adorably. I can't wait until Maps Mizoguchi becomes a full-fledged super hero.

Oblivion tries to make Kyle Rayner not exist but he's saved by the cavalry.

Is that sexist? Calling Carol the cavalry?

Why is Exeter helping out? I suppose he needed a new job after Kyle freed Relic. I hope Exeter doesn't die next issue! He may have been the best character to come out of this comic book!

New Guardians #39 Rating: No change. Do you think Saint Walker ever gets tired of screaming out some trite line about hope whenever he appears? Do you think he tells his shrink, "You know, there's more to me than hope. This is just my career. I have hobbies, interests, loves. Why doesn't anybody ever ask me about those? No. It's always, 'Saint Walker! I hope you can super charge my ring!' Or they'll call me on the phone and be all, 'I hope I didn't disturb you. *titter*' You know the only person who has even asked me about my cranial sex organ was one of Hal Jordan's nephews! I wish that magic sock puppet maker had never even stitched me together and brought me to life by shooting a load of his semen into my elastic orifice!"

New Guardians #38

If we could only see in x-rays, we'd never know what that invisible thing in front of our face that constantly leaked all over us was. Also genitals.

Let me just point out that in my last New Guardians commentary, I pretty much guessed the ending of Godhead:

So now, after Highfather makes a huge mess of everything, his underlings are starting to have second thoughts about all of this shit. Maybe if they all had backbones as big as Orion's, they would have stood up to Highfather earlier and pointed out how he’s acting an awful lot like a certain stone faced master of a burning prison planet of death and destruction.

Of course only Hal Jordan had the stone faced cojones to put Highfather in his place. Nobody else in the universe could have done it! Not even Malhedron who sort of tried to do it. And Metron who knew it needed to be done but couldn't be bothered to get out of his chair. And Orion who probably did it but who could understand him when he's ranting and raving and projecting spittle all across the room?

But now it's time to forget Godhead because it is over and already forgotten. Now let's find out how Kyle Rayner dies because who needs him?

This issue is part one of a three part story called "It All Ends Here." That's a good sign! I mean, I know the book actually ends in three issues. But maybe Kyle Rayner will go with it forever and always! At least until he pulls a modern penny out of his pocket and is forced to abandon true love!

I don't really hate Kyle. But he's superlative! No wait! He's not that at all! He's superfluous!

This issue begins with a scene that I might revisit later when it makes more sense. The better place to start is here:

I want to say something lovely and profound and melancholic about this scene but I can't stop staring at the stars inside the dark side of the moon! Maybe they're camp fires?

Carol is contemplating her burgeoning (or dying on the vine?) relationship with Kyle and she's probably wondering why she would want to be with an idiot that can't stop giving his ring away to whoever asks for it. He's a comic book artist so his earning potential is limited and he's probably a slacker who will wind up spending most of his time unshowered and stretched out on the couch watching Judge Judy. Carol is a responsible, powerful, worldly woman and she needs more than just a six foot tall man-child that never seems to engage in a serious manner. She has plenty of arguments for why she shouldn't pursue this relationship but it seems she's going to listen to the only argument she has for this relationship: she's in looOOoOooOooOoove!

Hard, throbbing cock? Slick, pulsing, engorged vagina? Clean, puckered, perfumed anal sphincter? San Dimas?

Turns out she loves flying and being a Star Sapphire. I was close!

Dammit. Kyle is winning me over here! If Carol won't take you, Kyle, I'm available! But mostly just because it would be nice to know a comic book artist that I could take advantage of.

I never wanted these two to be a thing anyway. How come male and female characters who spend a lot of time together automatically seem to pair off? They would have been fun just traveling the universe as friends. Why does there always seem to be a need for a romantic subplot? This is the main problem I have with Season Three of Arrow. Felicity was perfect when she was helping out, having her own life, and drooling, non-romantically, over Ollie's shirtlessness. But of course, she had to wind up in love with him. The only female cast member that hasn't been in an intimate relationship with Oliver Queen is his sister and I have a feeling that story arc is coming soon.

Now is the time to talk about that opening scene! The issue began with a huge monster attacking a planet. Before the monster could kill the woman, Saysoran, whom the story opened on, it's sucked up into the sky by black tendrils. Now the creature has been smashed into Zamaron and stamped with the White Lantern Insignia. Kyle and Carol recognize the creature as one of the beings freed from the Source Wall by Black Hand.

Kyle and Carol head off to investigate where the creature came from but this time they're doing it as friends instead of pee-pee rubbers. That's how I describe sex! Are you interested now, ladies?

Carol and Kyle arrive on a planet that's been nearly destroyed (except for Saysoran who will probably become an important character if she isn't already and I've just never heard of her). They find another White Lantern Insignia, this one composed of dead people nailed to a wall. And then they confront the monster behind it all!

Oblivenom!

New Guardians #38 Rating: +2 Ranking. The highlight of this comic was Kyle and Carol discussing their relationship. The lowlight was that they didn't have time for an on-panel farewell fuck. I don't think I really care about Oblivion. Maybe he'll win me over as an arch-enemy next issue when he asks Kyle for Kyle's ring and Kyle gives it to him.

New Guardians #37

Geese cream fat sheep when it's cold outside! Every moment I'm awake, prefer their lemonade!

I just looked at this cover and it made me think Kyle must be dreaming which is why I quoted that Heart song in the caption. I love how the lyrics don't make any sense! They're so dreamlike!

Last issue, Kyle lost his White Ring because he's a huge idiot. While everybody else has been stubbornly fighting the New Gods because it's painfully obvious that they're not going to help the universe at all (and, even if they somehow do something right, at the very least they're not giving back the rings), Kyle just walked up to Highfather and said, "Here! Take my ring!" Then three seconds later, Kyle said, "Hey! Give me back my ring!" But by then it was too late. Stupid Kyle had doomed the universe to doom of the doomiest kind. And now Carol's lady boner for Kyle probably wilted.

Yes she's mad at you! She wanted to fuck you! And then you went and showed her that you're not only a wussy baby puss-puss, but you're stupid too!

Carol probably doesn't mind that Kyle is a wussy baby puss-puss because she was with Hal for a long time and he was the opposite of a wussy baby puss-puss (a tough senior mutt-mutt?). But a smart lady like Carol can't be wasting her time with an idiot that falls for the second oldest scam in the universe. The first oldest scam in the universe is that one where you pretend your wife is your sister and then you get her to marry a king or a pharaoh. Then you accidentally find a way for the king or pharaoh to find out that she's your wife and that you have the meanest, angriest God on the block so he quickly apologizes and sends you away with half of his wealth and cattle and camels because he doesn't want God striking him down. That one was so good that Abraham used it twice! And his son Isaac used it too! On the same guy, Abimelech, that Abraham used it on! That Abimelech sure was a horny idiot!

As Kyle and Carol pretend that maybe they can find a way out of this, Metron stops by in his comfy chair to declare that they have not yet fulfilled their roles!

He gives up too easily and he's wrong. He tries throwing rocks at Metron's head and he's wrong. Cut him some slack, Carol!

Just imagine if Black Racer came by for a visit! Kyle could get the comfy chair and Carol could strap on the skis and they could storm New Genesis!

So now, after Highfather makes a huge mess of everything, his underlings are starting to have second thoughts about all of this shit. Maybe if they all had backbones as big as Orion's, they would have stood up to Highfather earlier and pointed out how he's acting an awful lot like a certain stone face master of a burning prison planet of death and destruction.

Metron drops off an ancient Mother Box for Kyle and Carol to use. It has to be ancient because the newer models are attuned to their users. Anybody can use this old one but that means it's also likely to have just one use left in it. Also, if they both grab it and sing the proper song, they can turn into Infinity Man!

Elsewhere on New Genesis, Malhedron heads off to rescue Guy Gardner and Simon Baz, leaving behind John Stewart and that dopey sperm-headed cunt Saint Walker to fend for themselves. But they're not alone for long.

Great! Now they have three useless people, one Green Lantern, and a squirrel.

The reunion is interrupted by some of Highfather's Divine Guards. But Kyle has a plan! And I think his plan depends on his belief that the New Gods won't kill him. For some reason, Highfather didn't kill him or turn him into a good soldier. So Kyle might still have some kind of link to the Life Equation that Highfather would lose if Kyle were to die. Maybe. It's all comic book nonsense so it's kind of hard to speculate in any kind of logical way!

Kyle and the gang manage to steal the Divine Guards' weapons and turn them on the Guards. Now that they're all equipped with some kind of firepower, they head off to find Highfather and tell him he's acting like an idiot.

They actually find him surprisingly quick. I thought they'd have to wait for Red Lanterns or something. During the five or so minutes that it takes them to walk to Highfather's location, the Bohemian Guardians escape the Singularity Stockade. I guess the New Gods haven't quite perfected the technology to imprison beings older than they are.

Kyle manages to get his White Ring back but it does him little good. It's got no juice left! And I don't think a White Battery exists, does it? Anyway, it seems Highfather has all the White Juice locked up inside of himself now. And he decides to spray it all over his rivals.

Whoops!

New Guardians #37 Rating: No change. Just three more issues of Godhead! I bet it ends like every other Green Lantern Cosmic Crisis! Which is...well, um, actually...I kind of forget how they all ended. I guess the Green Lanterns discovered they had more willpower reserves than they had before or something and beat the crap out of the bad guys? Oh, who cares, really. Another Cosmic Crisis is probably already right around the corner!

New Guardians #36

Fear or urine? Perhaps both?

Wasn't Kyle Rayner chosen by Ganthet while Rayner was pissing in an alley? Or was that just a weird sex dream I had recently?

Judging by the cover, it doesn't look like Kyle's trip to New Genesis goes very well. Here's how I think this book will go.

Kyle: "Nice planet you have here."
Highfather: "You are a huge puss. Give me the Life Equation."
Kyle: "Chill, dude."
Highfather: "You are less than something that is less than nothing. Give me the Life Equation."
Kyle: "Yo, Carol, let's hit the bricks."
Highfather: "I have tried being polite! Now I must kill you!"
Huge fight breaks out. Just before Kyle almost dies, some New Genesissian whom Highfather once called a ponce saves Kyle and Carol and they escape to the surface of the planet to await the next chapter of Godhead in which they appear.

That's probably way too specific! I should take a page out of Nostradamus's books and be vague and ambiguous when guessing plot points. Now my entire guess will be off the mark and I'll look like one huge fool of a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

This is the nice planet part! We should probably end things here and deem my prognostication entirely accurate!

The rest plays out just a tiny bit differently than I had guessed. Highfather practically calls Kyle a puss and Kyle practically tells Highfather to calm down but in such a polite way that you'd probably never realize they were seconds away from tearing each other's throats out. And in just six pages, Highfather and Kyle have worked out a deal.

I'm sure the fight is still to come!

Now that Highfather has the most powerful cockring in the Omniverse (it hurts so much to type that! Why don't I just use Multiverse like everybody at DC was told to do except Scott Lobdell because nobody actually likes talking to him?), he's going to go defeat Darkseid. Too bad all Highfather will find are a bunch of Batarangs and a pool of Darkseid's tears.

After giving up his ring, Kyle listens to how Highfather is going to use it to change Earth, turn it into a trap, and fight the war to end all multiversity wars upon the face of it. That's when Kyle says to Carol, "Was I too hasty? Should I have maybe asked a few more questions? Shouldn't you have stopped me before making this rash decision, being that you're an experienced business woman and I'm just a lowly comic book artist that gets suckered into horrible contracts all the time?"

This is where Highfather calls Kyle a big puss.

See? I think the narrative is going to play out fairly closely to how I predicted it would except for the part about the ring being given up immediately!

This is where Kyle says, "Chill, dude!" and then Highfather declares Kyle is less than nothing! Or however I said it earlier!

Now all they have to do is fight! Except Kyle has no powers, so I guess it will be Carol versus Highfather. That battle will probably only last a panel longer than if it were Kyle against Highfather alone with no powers. Which is why they're going to have to be saved by some New Gods that have issues with Highfather's controlling ways!

Carol's ring runs out after two pages of lots of pink ink. I think the only way to defeat him now is to start fucking so that Highfather goes, "What...what is that?! What are you...stop that! You're ruining the floor! Oh...oh...I'm going to vomit!" Then while Highfather is dry heaving a new universe into existence, Kyle can kick Highfather in the balls and yell, "I learned that move from Steve-O, bitch!" Then he'll get his White Ring back and save the day! And all thanks to Jackass!

Kyle and Carol get BOOM Tubed down to the surface of the planet. So technically they were saved by a New Genesissian, right? And I'm sure Highfather has, at one time in his life when Darkseid tricked him real good, punched himself in the side of the head and said, "You stupid, bloody ponce!" So I was completely and utterly correct in my prediction!

Highfather tests his new Life Equation Power on the planet Muz (Sector 3502! That's the place Von Daggle was hiding!--Knows Useless Stuff Tess!), turning everybody on the planet into Orion wannabes. That's when the Bohemian Guardians feel a disturbance in the Spectrum and realize Kyle fucked up big time.

New Guardians #36 Rating: Why is this book still called New Guardians? That's the only reason the Bohemain Guardians are in it! Otherwise the stupid title makes no sense! I liked it better when Bleez and that Orange Potato and the Nok Nok guy and Saint Sperm Head and all the other ones were forming a team. What will the next incarnation of the "New Guardians" be once Kyle refuses to hang out with hippie bastards at the end of all this? Are Carol and Kyle alone enough to constitute "New Guardians?"

New Guardians #35

I think I know what the life equation is! Penis + Vagina - Butthole + Marvin Gaye + 9 Months - Falling Down Stairs = Life!

Okay, class. Enough giggling over the title of this cosmic crisis, Godhead. This will be a classy, intellectual discussion about a comic book. How dare you expect anything less.

The issue begins with the Bohemian Guardians informing Kyle Rayner that he has done what nobody thought possible: he has passed through the Source Wall and returned. For some reason, nobody has ever thought to go over or under it since it's just a normal wall in space. It's not like it's the inside of a shell that stretches off in all directions. It's just a fucking wall! I guess being comic book characters, they're not used to thinking in three dimensions. Also they're stuck inside of panels so if the Source Wall can stretch from panel border to panel border, they can't get around it.

Judging by the look on Carol's face, there's one thing he isn't capable of! I'm guessing the Life Equation has no variable for clitoris.

Kyle realizes the Bohemian Guardians manipulated him into hiding for fear that he would be hunted down for the Life Equation. I guess once a Guardian, always a Guardian, no matter how many daisy chains they wear in their hair. But now the New Gods know of his existence anyway, so the running and hiding option was a big failure. I guess Kyle can go back to the Green Lanterns and let them know he's alive. I bet they all act like their feelings are hurt instead of being happy that he's still alive. I only guess that because all comic book characters are pouting, narcissistic assholes.

Just rewrite them out of existence, Kyle. The DC Universe is better off without any living Oans.

When Kyle decides he's done hanging out with the manipulative little blue bastards, they turn on him. They try to remove the Life Equation from Kyle against his will which causes some kind of hell to break loose. It's the kind of hell that catches the attention of Highfather. You know, the guy the Bohemian Guardians were trying to hide Kyle from? So, you know, good job, Hippies.

Heh heh heh. "Godhead." Heh heh he...ahem. Sorry. Sorry.

After whatever Kyle and Highfather just did to each other, Highfather BOOM Tubes the Bohemian Guardians back to San Francisco. Or maybe some Acid Factory in the forests of Northern California. It hardly matters. Highfather has earned Kyle's trust by sending them away and now he can take his time stealing the Life Equation from Kyle. Even though they don't trust him, Kyle and Carol decide to follow Highfather to New Genesis because he seems to be the only one that can help them. Just like how the Bohemian Guardians seemed to be helping! Or Hal Jordan! Or the Zamarons! I think the only thing I'm learning from all the Green Lantern comic books is that bosses are assholes. Although I wouldn't mind working for Guy Gardner! But don't make me work with John Stewart! I don't want to die!

Eww! Didn't you see what he just had in his mouth?!

New Guardians #35 Rating: No change. The worst part about these multi-title crossovers is that you eventually get chapters like this where it feels like not much has really happened. I suppose getting rid of the Bohemian Guardians (for now!) was the best part of this Act.

Godhead #1

I'm sorry but does DC have zero employees in the "Please Let A Cynic Look At The Cover Before We Put It On The Stands" Department?

I can't be the only one that thinks Hal Jordan's reaction is to Darkseid blowing Highfather, right? I mean, the series is called "Godhead." And Highfather is directly quoted as bringing Darkseid to his knees with seven cock rings. The big #1 One-Shot doesn't help me dispel the image of Highfather's quivering cosmic man-meat spraying life equating juices all over Darkseid's stony maw. Anyway, DC, if you need somebody to head up your Department of Defeating Accidental Sexual Innuendo, put your dick in my mouth!

Godhead is a story about the long standing feud between Highfather of New Genesis and Darkseid of Apokolips. It's also a story of what happens when you're a member of a meddling cosmic police force that thinks they need to stick their noses into the business of every species in the known universe. It's what happens when somebody gets their immortal peanut butter into the chocolatey goodness of the most powerful weapon in the universe. That was not a description of Apokoliptian anal sex.

This Cosmic Money Shot begins with an explanation of how the universe was created. It's less about masturbation than previous Green Lantern creation tales though which is disappointing.

No, no. My mistake. God still flung cum all over the darkness to create existence.

Darkseid and Highfather have been in a cold war for billions of years. Neither one is very good at maths, so they've reached a stalemate where Highfather can't figure why he keeps getting the Life Equation wrong and Darkseid can't add two to two. But Highfather knows where the answers lie! In the great teacher's text known as The Source Wall! It is there that the story begins as Highfather and Metron examine it closely for a way in. The wall was breached by Kyle Rayner during the Relic Crisis which should probably be known as the Chicken Little Fiasco. Highfather speaks with Relic and discovers the way past the Source Wall: the Green Lantern Rings! Using the power of every color united, a person may pass the Source Wall and read the equation. Or, alternately, they can find Kyle Rayner and ask him if he remembers the Life Equation. He might remember it since he fucked around with it and changed it significantly. Small wonder the universe hasn't completely unraveled since then.

Over on Mogo, Saint Walker continues to despair. Or pout. Or shirk his duties. One of those! His ring still hangs out with him because, and this is a huge guess on my part, nobody else in the universe has any hope. Everybody still believes Kyle Rayner is dead but I have a suspicious feeling that he'll reveal himself during this cosmic crisis. Then Saint Walker will get a huge head erection and his ring will finally have him back. Unless Highfather takes Saint Walker's ring first. Isn't it the only Blue Lantern Ring left in the cosmos?

The Council of Elrond.

On New Korugar, Sinestro plans his next big snoozefest. He's all, "I do things my way because my way is the greatest way!" And Lyssa is all, "But the future says differently!" And Sinestro is all, "What is the future to me? I am Sinestro!" And Arkillow is all, "Wut?" And then a New God that I don't know BOOM Tubes in, jerks off her sword, and says, "Your ring. Give it to me." And Sinestro is all, "Hardy har har har!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut?" And Sinestro is all, "Oh no! I have fallen and I can't get up! Stop her and prove how mighty you are, Arkillo!" And Arkillo is all, "Wut? I mean, to arms!" And then he's all, "My fingers!" And then the New God is all, "BOOM!"

In other words, one ring down, six to go!

Over on Okaara, Larfleeze is all, "Mine mine mine! I am not a monkey!" But the New God that has paid him a visit is all, "Give me the ring, monkey." And then Larfleeze cries while trying to scoop up each tear, sobbing, "Mine! Mine! Mine!"

In other words, two rings down, whatever seven minus two is to go!

If I may put forward a slight observation from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader: Lanterns are garbage.

The most powerful weapons in the universe can be stolen so easily! I think it's time to begin installing the rings in the butt. Not every creature capable of wearing a ring has fingers, so there have been modifications to the system, right? Where does Mogo even keep his? Up his grand canyon?

Over on Nok, the nok of the nok noks, another New God (this one with a pig dog and a dwarfish beard braid) takes a ring off of an Indigo Lantern. The Indigo Lantern, proffering the hand with the ring, is all, "Um...no, no! This is me protesting vehemently. Please do not take the ring or I will become a serial killer again and begin drinking the blood of young virgin children and eating the spleens of late night driving teenagers found alone on the highway and cutting off the sexual organs of elderly folks who thought they were just out to get an early bird breakfast. Please do not make me into that glorious creature. Did I say glorious? I meant awful. That awful creature." And the New God is all, "Sorry, Dudebro. But I gots ta do what I gots ta do. Here, take this Grandmaster Magic Sword in trade. But don't use it to go on some killing spree or nuttin, sees?"

In other words, a bunch of rings down, a few more to go.

I don't really know what's going on with the Red Lanterns but apparently one of the humans that earned a ring back when Atrocitus conscripted all the Type A people on Earth into joining the Red Lanterns still has her ring. But that makes sense because to take a Red Lantern's ring is to kill a Red Lantern and Charles Soule just recently killed off all the extra Red Lanterns. This Red Lantern is angry at the sex slave trade for some reason. Doesn't she like illegal free market capitalism which manipulates the lives of powerless people and makes ungodly profits at the expense of the free will of seemingly powerless people? Is she a communist? Anyway, she frees all of the sex slaves ever which is as much resolution for her anger as she's going to get.

Leave it to Charles Soule to be all, "Hey, dickheads! While you're reading your funny book, remember that the world is full of awfulness and misery and people fighting for their lives and their power and their dignity and every fucking thing they have which is hardly anything but is still being taken from them by monsters. And you...look at you. Reading a funny book with one hand down your pants hoping some artist decides to draw a little hint of a nip, you fucking fanperv."

I've lost count but since the next scene is Orion and Metron BOOM Tubing onto Mogo, I have a feeling only two rings are left: Green and Blue. Saint Walker's ring should be easy to take! Just shove him on his ass and scoop it up! But Mogo's is probably hidden deep within some lava filled chasm! Surrounded by thousands of tons of rock and dirt!

Oh. Oh, Mogo, you big dumb ball of dumb.

Mogo and Saint Walker lose their rings and they deserved it! Just letting something so powerful float around your head or hang from a twiggy branch on a tree. Although now that Mogo's lost his ring, what's going to happen to all the non-Lanterns on the planet? It doesn't look like Mogo was currently in a hospitable zone in some nice, cozy sun-drenched solar system! Is everybody on planet going to freeze to death?! If that's the case, hopefully some other Green Lantern (*coughHalJordancough*) will give Mogo their ring to save everyone.

Once he has all the rings, Highfather has them fitted into his mace so that he can wield the White Light which, apparently, is the Life Equation. So Kyle has been master of the Life Equation all this time? Which means Nekron or Black Hand wields the Anti-Life Equation? How has Darkseid been so blind? Shouldn't he have smelled the Black Lanterns? He's gotten too distracted searching all over the multiverse for a comfortable chair.

Highfather tests out his new device only to find using all the rings together does not equal the Life Equation. It just equals the ability to destroy a Black Lantern. What he needs is an actual White Lantern Ring. So now he has to find Kyle Rayner and punch him in the balls. Plus, Highfather has decided that all of the other Lanterns are too dangerous to live. That means it's once again that time of year: LANTERN COSMIC CRISIS! At least this time, they all get to fight together.

Godhead #1 Rating: This is just a one-shot! It doesn't get a rating! But as far as cosmic crises go, I have to say it might be my favorite yet of The New 52 because it involves the New Gods and it will involve, hopefully, Darkseid (unless he just misses it all because he's long stopped caring about anything New Genesis gets up to). Plus nobody is being assimilated by anything else!

New Guardians #34

If I were Kyle, I would defeat the Psions just after they'd killed all the Bohemian Guardians.

It's understandable that people find God when they go through traumatic or painful experiences. I'm a staunch atheist and I moan, "Please Jesus. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus jesus jesus please," when I'm wracked by severe cramps sitting on the toilet bowl. If just a bout of diarrhea can make me wish for the healing power of a minor God's mortal son, just imagine if I were nearly dying! I'd probably even ask Mormon Jesus for help! Hell, I might ask him for help anyway. I think he wears a holster with two six shots and sings all of his parables. Remember when he sang about kids never telling lies and that idiot that confesses to breaking a window? Mormon Jesus is awesome.

I wish there were a comic book about Mormon Jesus. Maybe that's the independent comic book I was born to write!

If anybody in the DC Universe can use the word "kaiju" without me judging them just a little bit, it's Kyle Rayner.

Look, we all judge everybody all the time for various, sundry, idiotic reasons. So don't judge me for judging people over using a stupid word! At least I'm honest about my faults! Sometimes I can't fucking stand you readers, always trying to change me into something I'd rather not be! Jerkos! This blog was so much better when only Doom Bunny and Swickape were reading it!

I wonder if the younger and younger the writers become (or the younger and younger voices they try to simulate *cough*ScottLobdell*touchmyselfsecretly*), the more and more old man ranty I'm going to become. I said "ranty" not "randy!" Although what makes old men so hands on and gropey? You're creeping us all out, old dude!

I bet this issue is called "Sacrifices" because Quaros sacrifices himself to save the others! Who else is going to sacrifice anything in this comic book? Certainly not Carol Ferris! She's worth too much money for that kind of peasant-type bullshit. Sacrifice! I bet she doesn't even know what the word means! Or that its mantra is "BEH!" Oh wait, is that the mantra for Compassion? Fuck it. Who needs to know about sacrifice anyway!

Oh! Tinkers! That's who! Duh!

Meanwhile, the Bohemian Guardians escape.

Don't bother. He's already the second segment of an Alien Centipede.

Meanwhile Carol Ferris frees all the other biological experiments so that they can curl up in a ball and cry forever while not being imprisoned. At least the ones that didn't have their tear ducts removed. Or sewn shut. Or switched with their rectums. Although I'm sure those ones can still cry as well but they'd better hold in that turd. Ick!

Instead of crying like I would do, the maltreated aliens rush from their cells like horror monsters exiting a bank of elevators in that movie that basically felt like a lost episode of Angel. Didn't it seem like the evil organization in Cabin in the Woods might as well have been Wolfram and Hart?

That smoke is really starting to piss me off. I want to see what's going on in Quaros's basement!

Quaros decides that the only way to defeat the Psions is to destroy the ship with all of the Psions and their experiments inside of it. That means he'll die too because that has something to do with sacrifice. I looked up the meaning while you were busy in another browser window. But Quaros does make sure that the other Bohemian Guardians, Kyle Rayner, and Carol Ferris are all far away when the ship explodes.

The only problem with the explosion is that it went "BOOM" and before that, a little box was going, "Ping. Ping. Ping." We all know what that means, right? Quaros is on Apokolips now! I'm sure we'll be seeing him again in the Godhead crossover.

Says the woman who earlier finished Kyle's sentence that began with "We need to--" and ended with her saying "Find the Guardians and get some additional brainpower working on this?" I'm more apt to believe in gamma radiation turning a person into a Hulk than I am to believe that people ever finish other people's sentences as often as they do in comic books.

That whole "we finish each other's sandwiches" exchange between Tobias and Lindsay in Arrested Development is, well...actually it's just one moment in a show full of goddamned motherfucking pure genius.

New Guardians #34 Rating: No change. The main problem I have with this comic book is that I don't care about any of the characters. Otherwise, I like how he's off doing his own thing and having his own adventures with Carol. But I guess I can kiss that shit goodbye since he's going to get dragged right back into Green Lantern Corps drama in October. At least this crisis will star the New Gods. I hope Metron runs over Kilowog in his space chair. Then Black Racer will ski up and be all, "Dude, you're dead. You're dead dude. Dude. Dead. You're dead. Dude."

New Guardians #33

Carol and Kyle have invaded the Psions' home, so technically this cover should read, "Defense of the Psions!"

When we last saw Carol and Kyle and Quarros and Pokey, they had been trapped aboard the mother ship of the alien race known as the Psions. And all you need to know about the Psions is that they're gigantic assholes that love to experiment on other races because they grew up being experimented on and that's all they know. Are the Psions a cautionary tale about how human life will end due to what rats will become in the future? An angry, sentient, species that became stronger than every other species on Earth due to humans constantly testing cures and procedures on them until they were immune to all disease, able to regenerate body parts, stronger than every other creature on Earth, and could breathe toxic gases? Because that's where we're headed, people! Look at how strong the Guinea Pigs got before we stopped using them for experimentation! If they weren't so fucking skittish, they'd probably have taken over the world by now.

This happens this issue. You know, if anybody was interested.

While Kyle and Carol dry hump each other in their skin-tight outfits, the Bohemian Guardians are being tortured by the Psions. I'd use the phrase "comeuppance" here but I don't know what it means or if I even spelled it correctly.

The Bohemain Guardians are learning slowly, tortuously slowly (because they're being tortured! Like Guinea Pigs! Or like Jews and Heretics and, well, practically everybody in 13th Century Europe!), that the Psions were created by them. They were the lab rats of the Bohemain Guardians and when they were abandoned by them, they just continued on the only path they knew: to make themselves better, hardier, more resistant to everything! And now billions of years later, they're pretty fucking hardy!

That's rich! Did you listen when the little baby ancestor Psions said, "Eeek! Squeak! Eeek! Eeek!" (which translates, roughly, to "Do not touch me!").

I woke up thinking about some particularly bold advice that could possibly truly help young people navigate the artificial structure of our society but then I remembered that I'm tired of being told to check my privilege, so fuck you all. Figure it out yourselves. Continue to wallow in your pain because you've decided that the memory of trauma is the exact same thing as the trauma itself. Go ahead and believe that a multitude of labels are the things that make you an individual as opposed to the real things that make you an individual, like the way you dream of becoming that one thing that nobody else you know dreams of becoming simply because when you think about becoming it, it makes your insides squish over and meltdown in a warm cascade until you feel like your bottom might catch on fire. Try not to remember that you're the person that loves the smell of rain dampened pavement mixed with melted marshmallows in fresh cocoa. Don't think about how you hide pieces of your secret self because you'd be embarrassed for people to know that you love the pungent odors of your body after several days unshowered, and you never want the eczema on your scalp to go away because your body and mind thrills to the way the tiny flakes feel as you slowly pull them from your skin and through your hair. Go ahead and always judge anything anybody says by the way they look and the gender they express and the parts of the body that bring them to a sexual frenzy. Absolutely believe that the things I just said were derogatory and dismissive instead of helpful and freeing. Disbelieve in other individuals because you are the only unique person in the world. And always never remember to tell people to think for themselves because telling people to be themselves is the best advice a person can get from another person.

If you watch a lot of television (and I'm sure you don't because you're not a dimwitted dumb dumb head caught in the patriarchy's mind-numbing light show), you'd be hard pressed to believe that anybody pursues any career at all anymore. It's less important to do things than to inspire people to be inspired and to raise awareness so that people are aware. I'm surprised at how many people hate television and commercials and yet they aspire to a life of being nothing but a fucking commercial themselves.

I probably should have buried these thoughts further into the review so I don't start this commentary all up in the reader's face! And what a beautiful face, might I add! Does that compliment go any way to making up for sounding like a self-righteous dick at the beginning? Anyway, I think it is a good idea to bury this in the middle of the review so now that you're reading this sentence, you'll realize that the preceding paragraphs that came out of nowhere initially began this review of New Guardians! But now they're just interrupting the review. Like a commercial!

Meanwhile, Carol reminds Kyle that after they save the Bohemian Guardians, they're going to have to talk about the dry humping that happened earlier. How come two people can't spontaneously dry hump each other in a scary experimental spacecraft without having to discuss it afterward?! Why must everything be discussed? Why can't we just lose ourselves in pure emotion and then move on to the next purely emotional experience?

I suppose if I were to take my own advice, I'd stop doing long-winded commentaries and just post things like this:

New Guardians #33 Review
Wheeee! SO HAPPY! Squidge! Twiddly diddly doopsie day!

Fuck. Maybe I should take my own advice! That would be so easy!

Kyle and Carol soon realize the ship they're on is a huge laboratory filled with cages housing the results of the Psions alien eugenics experiments. Kyle nearly throws up which, while it might be a natural reaction to seeing a living pile of heads that have been sewn together and are all screaming in pain at the same time, did he ever think how the pile of heads might feel from seeing a person react that way to them? I'm sure they already feel pretty crappy about what's become of them. Do they have to be reminded that their physical appearance is now so hideous that it causes uncontrollable vomiting in the people they meet? So rude, Kyle.

Off in another part of the ship, Pokey (or whichever Bohemian has the googles. Fuck if I can keep them straight) gets an advanced course in "How the Guardians Fucked Up, Part One: The Psions." He learns the Oans took some caterpillars, injected them with a stupid drug that probably made them use 100% of their brainpower because that continues to be a stupid fucking sci-fi myth that I'd thought we'd all gotten past until that ridiculous Lucy movie started airing ads on television, and turned them into sentient monsters! And now they will do the same for the rest of the universe! Bwa ha ha ha! It seems that revelation would have more impact if I hadn't been mentioning it over and over again since I first read "Psions" on the cover of the last issue of this comic book.

And then Kyle and Carol find Quaros.

Worst spa ever.

New Guardians #33 Rating: No change. Hopefully after the Psions are defeated, we'll get a five issue story arc where Carol and Kyle simply discuss their relationship. I'm not saying it would be riveting but I bet it would still sell more copies each month than Cerebus sold every month during its last story arc, The Last Day. Talk about the wheels falling off of a thing with wheels! I should do some in-depth commentary on Dave Sim's entire run of Cerebus. That thing is fascinating on so many levels: pop culture satire, commentary on history and religion, feminist criticism, and the slow meltdown of a comic book creator as he loses himself in a heady mix of Islam, Judaism, and Christianity, not to mention his own narcissism. I still own all the Cerebus Phone Books but sold many of the individual issues which is too bad because his responses to letters and his commentaries in the backs of the single issues help the reader to see when and how each wheel comes off the thing with the wheels (Cerebus! Okay, it has metaphorical wheels! It's just a vehicle in a not very literal sense!). I wonder if he ever published an appendix Cerebus Phone Book with all the stuff he wrote in the backs of the individual issues? I'd actually throw more money at him to own those as well!

New Guardians #32

The Psions? Those were the Guardians pet lizard people!

The Psions are a race of emotionally stunted lizard people that love to experiment on other creatures and hate to remember that they were created through experimentation. They've repressed the cultural memory of their origin so severely that whenever a child Psion asks his parents where he came from, they immediately kill and eat him and forget that they ever had a child. Then they find a new planet and grab a few new creatures from that planet and begin trying to turn them into gods, wondering the entire time what all the salty leakage from their eyes is about.

Kyle Rayner will get along great with the Psions since he's got a lot of repressed memories sitting around repressing themselves inside his brain. From this moment on, I'm going to use "repressing myself" as a euphemism for masturbation.

The issue begins with some Psions dealing with...well, something they can't rightly remember but it probably has to do with that extra room of the house with the tiny bed in it. What was that for again?

I guess the Oan protecting the Fuzzy Wuzzem is Zeppo, the missing Bohemian Guardian. It also might be Elric of Melniboner.

Melniboner. I'm such a goddamned child.

Quaros (the Bohemian Guardian that I previously referred to as "Zeppo" when I couldn't think of his name) gets kidnapped by the Psions right along with all of the Fuzzy Wuzzems. As I was updating my list of what planets are in which sectors, I noticed one of my entries which proves that I write this shit purely for myself since nobody was going to see this entry but me. It was for Sector 2813 and reads:

Planets:
1. Krypton. Just kidding! It's gone!
2. The space where Krypton used to be!

While Kyle Rayner is off not existing and battling planets, Carol Ferris and the Bohemian Guardians continue to hunt for Quaros.

By this logic (and what is a Guardian if not pure logic?), Kyle Rayner is more powerful than a Bohemian Guardian. It's possible that has already been pointed out. I have trouble processing information which I've previously completely ignored.

The Bohemian Guardians come up with a plan to find Quaros. They hold hands and then explode.

Do comic book characters often take the Lord's name in vain? Disgusting!

Apparently the hand holding explosion plan worked because the Bohemian Guardians now know where Quaros is being held. It's a huge ship filled with Space Sharks and Squid Drills and Manta Spaceboards. The Psions have been quite busy repressing stuff. What the Bohemian Guardians don't know (but should because this is true of everything, including blind dates and family gatherings) is that they're walking into a trap. And Carol Ferris follows right along because she doesn't know what else to do. I suppose once she's being experimented on, Kyle Rayner will feel it in his heart or soul or whatever part of the male human body feels love. Oh! The penis!

Nobody can resist falling into a good trap.

Just as the Psions are moving in to capture Ferris and the Fuzzy Wuzzem that has been turned inside out and made into a cybernetic Fuzzy Wuzzem assassin begins ominously approaching Carol, Kyle Rayner appears out of a rip in space-time! And that's his only appearance in the entire comic book. So you know, this issue was better than most.

New Guardians #32 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm glad that New Guardians has surgically removed itself from the cascading crossovers of the Green Lantern Universe. And since this comic book isn't called "Kyle Rayner, New Guardian" but instead "Green Lantern New Guardians," he doesn't even need to be in it very often. It's really about the Bohemian Guardians now, right?! And Carol Ferris! Kyle could have continued to not exist and I probably wouldn't have even noticed.