Cyborg #4

Interesting how Batman never gets torn to pieces the way characters like Cyborg, Robotman, and Red Tornado constantly do.

If you're supporting the American political party who thinks the problem in Washington, DC, is too much ethical oversight from independent sources, you might want to reconsider the things you've been lead to believe. I challenge any Republican to drop all of their usual news sources and simply get by for a week or two reading headlines from the Washington Post. Just the headlines! Then interpret that shit on your own, with your own values and beliefs, without any right-wing talking heads telling you how that shit doesn't actually mean the thing you just read. Previously, you'd have never read that headline anyway which made it even easier for the Fox News barfmonsters to convince you of their reality. People on the left are always being accused of being manipulated by the lamestream media but I guarantee a good percentage of liberal people don't even fucking care about the news. And yet every right wing anger bat who flutters into the face of anybody who espouses a liberal view to begin shrieking, "But what about Hillary! What about Hillary! What about Hillary!", slavishly sucks at the teat of Fox News and the snorefestival of right-wing radio hosts so much so that they all parrot the exact same responses.

At the very least, letting go of right-wing media outlets will ensure you'll be more entertained. Talk about unfunny! Even if I believed the things Rush or that square-headed guy on Fox said, I couldn't listen to them because they have a terrible sense of humor. Oh, Hannity! That's the square-headed guy! It's not surprising that they're not funny though because you need to be smart to be funny. And one thing right-wing talking heads are not is smart. Confident and smug and don't actually give a fuck about anything but their own bank account? Sure! But funny? Fucking hell no. There's this one shrieking harpy that's on early in the mornings after Clyde Lewis's Ground Zero on some right-wing radio station who thinks the height of hilarity is putting on a dumb person voice when she says things she pretends liberals say. At least the station managers understand that nobody wants to hear that shit so they stick her on past midnight.

The segue here is that American Democracy is becoming a nightmare, and in this comic book, Cyborg is currently having one.

Cyborg is battling the Justice League. He realizes it's a dream because they're battling on Mars and Batman isn't choking to death. Also, Wonder Woman's boobs are huge. Like, too huge. So big!

But fighting the Justice League isn't a good enough analogy for what's happening. He needs to come up with something more on the nose.

"I knew I was a complicated guy." What kind of a fucking fool actually says that about himself? Don't search my blog for that statement. I'm sure I've never said anything like it before ever.

Cyborg realizes the Justice League he's been fighting are actually malicious bits of software called Wyrmms. Gross. Cyborg has Wyrmms. Too bad for the Wyrmms, they can't just fuck up his programming. They have to actually fight a representation of Cyborg inside of Cyborg. Is that what Cyborg's firewall looks like? It's just a bunch of tiny Cyborgs?

In STAR Labs, an unconscious Cyborg is tearing the place apart. The only way to help Cyborg is to shut him down so they can remove the Wyrmms while he's inert.

Come on, Semper. You can't just be lobbing them over the plate like this. I'll never feel any satisfaction making a joke out of this!

Cyborg's journey through his mind allows him to recover a bunch of memories which make him feel human again. Apparently he's had his emotions locked away which is why he's felt more like a machine than a human. But he still doesn't find his penis. That's probably why he couldn't bring himself to remember that he and Sarah Charles were once madly in love. He blocked out her face in the memories because until he has a proper human penis instead of an attachment that substitutes for a White Noise Blaster, he isn't the man he knows she needs. What a tragic love affair! At least it's one I won't have to read the end of because I'm done with this comic book. I'm done with all Cyborg comic books forever and ever because not one has ever been interesting. He's a boring character who people have tried to make compelling but they're always doing overdone plots about robots versus humanity, and identity versus programming, and Daddy Issues versus football.

The Ranking!
No change! If I were to write a Cyborg comic book, I'd have him quit the Justice League because he's too often treated like a peripheral to the Justice League Watchtower computer. I'd have him move to Hollywood and go into porn. Then maybe his adventures would be a bit like Blue Devil but less goofy and more super duper sexy. Maybe his first plot would be dealing with both a human virus and a computer virus that work together to wreak havoc on his cybernetic body. I'd call the story "Robo-VD."

Cyborg #2

Now kiss!

The Commentary!
• Let me guess: Cyborg battles a robot in this issue and discovers a little bit more of his humanity! You know what I'm tired of, comic book writers? I'm tired of heroes battling twisted funhouse mirror versions of themselves so that they can learn a stupid lesson. Learning lessons is for nerds and jerks who aren't already perfect! Why can't Cyborg have adventures that have nothing to do with the fact that he's a Cyborg? Is it because these stories are actually about how African-Americans are treated by white society? I suppose I have to allow that because social commentary is greater than robots fighting. I don't actually believe that but other people probably do which is why I wrote it.

• So Cyborg is fighting a robot who hates humanity. It's like when Batman fights a criminal whose parents were killed at a young age so that he can feel righteous about his choices. Or when Superman fights a Kryptonian who chooses to abuse his power. Or when Batgirl battles a female villain because, um, Batgirl is female. Come up with a new idea, comic books!

• The current story is called "The Imitation of Life" and this issue is called "Trial and Terror" because that's clever! I guess. It replaces the usual word in the statement with one that rhymes!

• Cyborg is battling Kilg%re, a robot that can do pretty much anything the writer needs him to do to keep the action going. And because a lot of readers won't be familiar with Kilg%re, he helpfully explains where he came from and what powers he has.

What does reciting Shakespeare have to do with anything? Any robot or child who loves attention can be programmed to do that! And why bash Internet trolls?! I think I'm offended!

• Kilg%re recites some Hamlet for Cyborg just before dropping Sarah Charles off of a building. I bet Cyborg recites some Hamlet back at Kilg%re later! It's probably thematic! Did Hamlet battle cyborgs in that play? Or was that in Othello?

• Kilg%re was sent by Cyborg's Machine Daddy to tell Cyborg that he's a machine and he should remain with machines and stop mixing with humans.

• Kilg%re should become a rapper and change his name to Kilg$re.

• Kilg%re leads Cyborg to church where they can discuss Cyborg's lack of a soul. When is Cyborg going to realize that a soul is just a metaphorical concept to describe the essence of human individuality. The brain is the closest thing to a soul that a person has. This is obvious when you consider transplants. If any bit of me were replaced by another person, I'd still be me. Until you replaced my brain. At that point, nobody would believe that it was still me. At that point, it's a full body transplant for the brain that was put into my skull. If I had a soul, it could just take over the brain and infuse the new brain with my personality, right? Unless the soul is kept inside the brain somewhere. Shut up, me! You want me to lose my own argument!?

• Held hostage by Kilg%re, Cyborg has to choose a side. Is he robot or man?! I mean, technically he's both. A cyborg! I thought Kilg%re was smart. Doesn't he have access to a dictionary? This whole choosing which part of you is the real part seems awfully racist, dude.

Oh shit. Kilg%re has Daddy Issues!

• Why is Kilg%re so upset about humans building machines? It's not like a Lawn Mower has to find its purpose. It's born with meaning! I suppose the trouble starts when a lawn mower gains sentience and would rather write poetry than mow grass. But that's a problem that should be left for when it gains sentience! Why worry about a lawn mower being enslaved when it's just a fucking machine? Stop projecting your own artificial intelligence onto other machines, Kilg%re! You're way more human than you realize.

• Kilg%re decides to compare a lawn mower to an African-American slave. I guess robots have a hard time noting when they're being huge dickholes. Next, Kilg%re will probably tell how he was once in London and didn't have the proper adapter for the outlet and he couldn't recharge. He'll probably refer to it as "his Vietnam."

• Cyborg refuses to join with the robots even after all of Kilg%re's impeccable logic about how using a coffee machine is equal to owning a slave. That's when Kilg%re decides it's time to bring Human Daddy into the discussion. With a bomb strapped to his chest.

• Cyborg saves his father and then, through plot devices, gets the upper hand against Kilg%re.

I like Cyborg even less now! Having a favorite Ernest Hemingway novel is like having a favorite time to eat your own shit.

• The big surprise twist is that Cyborg's father Silas isn't his father! It's an impostor! The real Silas is tied up and being forced to watch monitors showing Cyborg's life in real time. Poor guy!

• See? Cyborg should have been paying attention to Kilg%re's Shakespeare hint. Because this whole father switcheroo was exactly what happened in Hamlet.

The Ranking!
+0! It's Cyborg, you know? Someday, I'm sure somebody will make him interesting. But it certainly won't be any of these writers who believe to make him interesting, they need a hot take on his humanity. Just make him funny or sexy or super cool or arrogant or a douchebag. Show his humanity through human flaws! But don't make them Shakespearean! Cyborg doesn't need to love too well! Mostly because that would be racist, basing him on Othello.

Cyborg #1

We get it, Cyborg comic book! The main character is a CYBORG!

The Commentary!
One of the main reasons I don't believe in The Bible is that it never mentions cybernetic beings. You'd think if something will have existed, God would have known about it. And if God knew about cyborgs way back when he created the world, how could he not mention them to Abraham or Israel or every single person he spoke directly to in The Bible? If I were God and I were hanging out in the Garden of Eden talking to Adam, I would definitely have mentioned cyborgs. Like that part where Adam was choosing a help meet, right? As God, I would have been, "So, what about a cow? No? A horse? A duck? Oh! OH! You'll never turn this one down: a cyborg! Boom! Totally radical, right dude?" And it's not like a mention of cyborgs wouldn't have gotten a whole section of The Bible all for itself. The sections would have been marked "The Creation," "Adam and Eve," "Adam Learns About Cyborgs", "The Fall of Man." I suppose Adam really wouldn't have learned much about cyborgs. He'd probably have only asked God the same question about cyborgs that he had been asking about every other rejected help meet: "Can I fuck it?" I think God's answer to Adam every time he asked that was, "Yeah, but you probably shouldn't!"

This issue begins with Cyborg's Machine Dad going on about broken and useless technology which people don't need anymore. I always thought it all wound up in bins at the back of a Goodwill but apparently, according to Cyborg's Machine Dad, much of it is toxic to humans and thrown in landfills. So are the four or five old broken outdated laptops piled in the corner of my office a threat to my health and well-being?! I should probably load them up with porn and send them to poor pornless children in other parts of the world.

Who am I kidding? I don't need to load them up with porn at all! It was probably a virus that downloaded tons and tons of porn onto the hard drive that killed each of those laptops.

I mean, the laptops probably burned out because I read so much Shakespeare on them.

This story is called "The Imitation of Life" and this issue is part one, "Awakening!" Ooh! So exciting! An exclamation point right in the title! I think I just came in my pants a little bit. Can somebody do that just a little bit? I suppose a little bit is all I have left after jerking it to four or five laptops full of porn.

Cyborg begins his part of the issue by stopping a robbery. So useful! He even does a bunch of the cyber. But that's probably not important because this story wasn't called "Cyborg Plays At Being A Hero While Secretly Being Sad About The Loss Of His Wiener". No, this issue is called "Awakening!" which means the conflict will probably be more of an internal thing.

I thought Morrow was going to say "Matchmaker."

Cyborg goes on an ice cream date with Sarah Charles. This sends him into a philosophical dilemma as he remembers hearing the recording his father made that explained a bunch of stuff his father wanted to keep secret. Seems like a weird recording to make, really. Anyway, Victor is now wondering if he's the same person he was before the accident or if he's just a machine programmed to think it's Victor Stone. Not like it matters. Human or machine, Sarah Charles has had both in her vagina. So I think he's going to get lucky tonight!

Seriously, though, I don't know why he'd be worried or concerned. So what if he's just a machine and code that replicates a human being? How does the knowledge that that is true change anything? I really wouldn't give a fuck if I were a simulation because I'm still a simulation of the person that I think I am.

Speaking of simulations, I find the theory that our universe could possibly be a simulation basically the religious theory of science. It's just a scientific way to say "God created the universe" except, in this instance, God is some other race of beings that created the technology to create a stand alone universe. Ultimately, the real question still remains: how did the race of people who created our universe (or those that created theirs? Or the ones who created theirs? Or...you get it) come to pass? Saying super smart bug-eyed reptilian scientists did it is no different than God did it. Without actual evidence of what happened before The Big Bang, the speculation is as useless as the Catholic Church.

At the ice cream shoppe, Cyborg meets his two biggest fans.

Why that little fucker?! How did his parents not slap the fuck out of him for saying that?! Little shit. I would have used my white noise attachment on him set to "Brown Note".

I probably shouldn't be so hard on these kids. I won't stop going on and on about how Cyborg doesn't have a penis! That's worse! You can live without feeling love. It's actually preferable that way! But without a penis?! Egads!

I don't mean to suggest all of you vagina-havers somehow don't have any reason to live. Of course you do! Your vaginas are terrific! Keep up the good work! A Plus Plus!

Sarah Charles discovers that Victor hasn't been to church since the accident. Well, she knows just the cure for that: jazz! Hmm, that sounds about right. I can't stand sitting through either.

I guess the whole religious thing is what has Victor so worried. If he's just a machine, how can he have one of those made-up souls?! If only God had mentioned cyborgs in The Bible, he wouldn't be losing faith. Although doesn't Jesus mention them? I'm pretty sure Jesus mentions them. If not, Jesus is pretty clear that the way to Heaven is through him. Does it count if a machine is programmed to accept Jesus as their lord and savior? I would have to think so because don't people want Xboxes and Playstations to go to Heaven too?

The jazz performer is named Blue and he's blind. I guess jazz from a blind person is more spiritual than jazz from some asshole who can read a sheet of music. That guy probably isn't jamming at all!

Blue's description of jazz is basically a description of this blog. So I probably shouldn't be so hard on jazz. If this blog were a type of music, I would call it punk jazz. But the bubble gum pop version of punk jazz! Played by a tone deaf piece of shit.

Is Cyborg going to cry soon? Will that prove he's got a soul? Because an old blind man makes him cry? That doesn't prove he has a soul! It just proves he's a big baby!

Cyborg doesn't cry while listening to the jazz which should mean I should be nice to him since I just scolded him for possibly crying. But instead I'd rather point out that if he didn't cry, he probably didn't really feel anything and, thus, he has no soul. At the very least, the kid in the ice cream shoppe was right and he has no heart. I won't even mention, once again, what I'm probably right about.

As Cyborg is feeling pretty good about himself, he's attacked by The Kilg%re. It probably dropped the "the" for Rebirth. For a creature that hates humanity as much as Killg%re does, it's odd that it would attack the machine guy and not his supple fleshy date. I guess Cyborg really is human after all!

The Ranking!
+1! So far, this is a Cyborg comic book that's kind of interesting. It still isn't about his penis though. It really should be about his penis.

Cyborg Rebirth #1

Cyborg has a brand new vibrator and he's sort of afraid to use it.

The Facts!
• Oh Cyborg! Haven't we given you enough chances to be an interesting character?! If as a character you hit your peak when you're stuffing your face full of pizza and playing video games, it's probably time for a little soul searching. Perhaps just bow out gracefully. Let some other people have a chance at the spotlight. Stop embarrassing yourself! At this point, I'm more compelled to read an Aquaman comic book than a Cyborg comic book.

• Part of my current distaste for Cyborg might be because I'm reading the late eighties, early nineties Marv Wolfman run of The New Titans where Cyborg spends about thirty issues as a remote controlled piece of taxidermy. I really can't imagine why they keep him around anymore. Maybe it's because all of Gar Logan's Playstation save game files are stored in Cyborg.

• In his early years, Cyborg was basically just a life support system for a white noise blaster. But nowadays, he's the ultimate computer hacker! He's also a shape changer! Basically if anybody needs to recover their files from a crashed hard drive or needs to rent a Bobcat to bury a body in the garden, Cyborg is your guy!

• Cyborg is twenty-one years old at this point and has been half-machine since he was fifteen. I mean sixteen! Stupid fat fingers hit the wrong button on the calculator. He's currently training at STAR Labs. The "STAR" part of the name stands for "Scientific and Technology Advanced Research." That sounds fucking stupid. Didn't it used to mean "Scientific and Technological Advanced Research" Labs? Who authorized the idiotic change?!

• Cyborg is currently battling the monster version of himself. Although maybe it's more robot and less monster with zero human. So it's not a real reflection of Cyborg. It's just Cyborg's projection of a reflection of himself! See, he sees himself as an unlovable monster. At least he sometimes did and might still think that. Perhaps we'll finally get a confident Cyborg who doesn't worry about asking "Who or what am I?" at the beep of a boop.

• Cyborg gets knocked unconscious by his enemy which is a perfect time for the system running the simulation to pop open a subroutine to figure out Cyborg's identity. It's weird to think that a STAR Labs computer doesn't know Cyborg's identity. Although it isn't weird to think some of the people picking up this book don't know his identity or how he became the inhuman monster with the white noise cannon on his wrist. Let's find out about Victor Stone! If that's who he really is! Maybe his entire life has been a lie and we'll find out he was adopted by the Stone's! That would put a new spin on Cyborg constantly asking, "Who am I?!"

• The computer checks the DNA records and confirms that Cyborg is Victor Stone. That's when it realizes its database is full of romantic stories about how people in STAR Labs met. I think most of them met through T.O. Morrow's Dating App which was also his cybernetic son.

"I am a computer. I can speak normally and use all of the words without calling attention to my computerness. At least until I have to mention love. Why do humans call it that? Can they not simply refer to it as the engaging of their input/output devices?"

• The simulation might not actually be a simulation but an actual attack on STAR Labs. The computer is just monitoring Cyborg's efforts to defend STAR Labs so it can analyze his powers. I'm fine with either thing being true since Cyborg is unlikely to die in a simulation and he's also unlikely to die in a real battle in his Rebirth issue.

• The monster politely introduces itself to Cyborg as Malware. Hey Malware! According to my grandmother, I'm Mal Ñino!

Hey look! Cyborg made a joke that was actually kind of funny and he didn't follow it up with "That was a joke!" This series is different than his last one!

• Cyborg gets knocked unconscious again so it's a perfect time for another flashback! I hope everything readers need to know is covered in this Rebirth issue or else Cyborg is going to be suffering from a lot of concussions to set up the flashbacks for his backstory.

• This flashback is about the death of his mother. It was the first failure of Silas Stone and it hardened his heart like a hard thing! And it's hard to love with a hard thing!

• As Cyborg is beginning to recover, there's time for one more short flashback to when Cyborg was half destroyed by a Mother Box opening a Boom Tube inside of him. Victor's life was saved only because Silas took him to the Red Room and attached him to all of the technology and crossing his fingers. Some scientist!

• I mean, it worked, so...um...Some scientist!

• Cyborg and Malware have their final face-off in a secret room just past the Red Room and three doors down. The room is buffered against any kind of wireless technology sending any streams of data through it. That way, nobody can hack into and find the data being stored in the secret safe in the center. I bet the safe contains Vic's actual penis!

• Malware tries to hack Cyborg but Cyborg is so full of his own malware that Malware is destroyed. Or something. I don't really understand how computers work. I think it's just a bunch of cockroach brains linked together with fiber optics?

Oh look! Cyborg is definitely more human than machine! No human knows when to use whomever over whoever!

• The information inside the safe in the center of the room...the information that was so well-guarded so that nobody would discover what it was...that information? It automatically begins telling Cyborg what it is. It's all, "Hey! Hey! Is somebody out there?! Oh man, I've been so lonely in this room! Let me tell you all about me! I'm a Victor Stone program! I'm what's in Cyborg! Does that mean Cyborg isn't real? Oh no! Mystery! I hope you're not Cyborg, whoever you are. Or is it whomever you are? Oh man, that's a tough word to figure out! Anyway, don't worry if you are Victor because, um, I was just kidding. Ha ha! You're real. Don't spend your entire comic book series wondering if you're real or not! Bye!"

• The computer narrating the story turns out to be STAR Labs' scary version of Silas Stone. It's Victor's Machine Dad! That's good because now Cyborg can have Human Daddy Issues and Machine Daddy Issues! He'll be twice as interesting as every other DC character! Other members of Machine Dad's step family include Amazo, The Engineer, The Metal Men, Cyborg Superman, Red Tornado, The Shaggy Man, The Brain, Steel, Robotman, OMAC, and some guy with goggles whom I don't recognize!

The Opinions!
At least I'm not completely disinterested in this Cyborg series yet! It's got some potential, I suppose, even if it's going to go in the usual direction of Cyborg questioning his authenticity. At least they threw in the Double Daddy Issue Deal. Maybe that'll be interesting. Especially if Machine Daddy shows any kind of affection at all because Human Daddy is a stone-hearted dick! Oh! A stone! That's the hard thing Silas Stone's heart became!

Aquaman #52

"Ay! Yo! I talks ta fish 'n shit."

The Review or Whatever!
I hope when Wally West returned for Rebirth, he was able to remind people that Aquaman isn't a bad-ass at all and is really just a joke! We all know he's a joke! He'll never be more than a joke! All of you Aquaman defenders know it too! You must be so tired of trying to convince everybody that they shouldn't be laughing so hard at Aquaman riding a giant seahorse! You're all, "No! That's Pre-Crisis Aquaman! That's not Modern Aquaman! Modern Aquaman is all grim and stoic! He's so strong that he...stop giggling! You just don't get it!" Then they do a quick internet image search to find this picture to prove that Aquaman is a bad-ass:

How is Aquaman doing his version of Sharknado supposed to prove that he isn't silly and stupid?

I think Aquaman might be off the hook now because Geoff Johns just wandered into my sights! Look at that stupid fucking sharks eating parademons moment! That moment could be the definition of Geoff Johns. He has a way of finding the most stupidly ridiculous thing or idea to incorporate into his comic book that somehow hits just the right note with a certain type of comic book fan! You know what kind of comic book fan I'm talking about. No, no. You know. It's what I call Geoff John's Drunk Ideas Made Reality. He and some friend he can bounce ideas off of go out and get pissed until Johns comes up with a list of stupid fucking ideas that he can work into a nonsensical story that really goes nowhere but has enough stupid twists that fangenders (this might be one of those times I can actually just say fanboys!) ruin their underwear over. And because he's in creative control of the universe, he can make any "What-If" scenario he comes up with, no matter how stupid, into actual continuity. Just like how he retconned Aquaman into not being a joke!

Currently Aquaman is off battling Scavenger. It sounds pretty boring if you remember Scavenger is just some guy in scuba gear that has shark teeth painted on the mask. But this is the New 52 and Improved Scavenger! This is Scavenger in a Robotic Suit comparable to anything Batman has! I mean, it wasn't forged in the heart of a sun and imbued with the purity of fifty-eight virgins or anything. But then he's only battling Aquaman, so it's not like it has to have every bell and rape whistle. Scavenger built the suit because his plan is to kill Aquaman and then nobody will be able to stop him from looting the ocean of every bit of valuable whatever within it. That seems like a stupid plan. Is that how it would work if I wanted to get into bank robbing? I should kill the sheriff in my town and then I'll be free to rob banks willy-nilly?

Mera is currently dealing with her own problems. Dead Water managed to shed a tear even though the comic book expressly told the readership that that was totally fucking impossible. But, well, you know how it is. Last issue was super boring when Mera was just asking Dead Water questions. And I whined about it the entire time! So I should be happy that the rules were broken and Dead Water is free! Plus I get to look at pictures of Mera looking hot while fighting.

She literally didn't need to add literally. Plus I think her suit is way lower cut than in the previous issue.

Dead Water escapes because even though Mera tried to completely dehydrate him, she must have left one tear inside him. Or maybe it was a wet fart. So now Dead Water has gone after Aquaman although I think he's really after Scavenger so Aquaman's problems might soon just sort themselves out.

The whole middle of the comic book is Dead Water's origin story as explained by Scavenger. Now, I know I often wish comic books had more down time and less punching but holy shit is Aquaman's down time boring! I wish Scavenger weren't so willing to acquiesce and blab the whole story! Put up a fight, dummy! I don't really care if I never know how this guy Payne became Dead Water! It's not like the origin story explains it anyway. Payne just came into contact with water that was different than water but still water. How does that explain anything? Now because he touched #waternotwater, he can become a sea serpent that transmutes its body into water? Oh! Okay! I'm glad that was explained so scientifically!

Look, comic book. Just be a comic book. Don't try to be more than you are and become a scientific paper up for review. Just sit there on the steps of Congress and shut the fuck up.

Payne interrupts Snorefest 2.0 just as Scavenger was about to reveal that the Weird Water came from Atlantis's sewage outflow system! Probably!

Aquaman winds up murdering Payne after Payne almost kills Scavenger. Although Payne's death is probably more "Suicide By Aquaman" than murder. Scavenger gets to live because he's been a part of Aquaman's history for a long time and he knows the secret location of the Weird Water. But he's in a coma so that Aquaman doesn't get any answers just yet! I mean, first Dan Abnett has to think up a semi-interesting story with long, dull moments surrounding the Weird Water!

The Flash #52

The Review or Whatever!
This story is about The Flash battling The Riddler. If you're asking me why it's taking so long to get to the end, I don't have an answer for you. Who thinks The Riddler has the potential to make The Flash's life miserable? I'm not even talking about nerd "What-If" conundrums sitting around a table in the back of a comic book shop. Nobody needs to use any brain power to realize that The Riddler should just stay out of Central City. Even if The Riddler had been smart enough to stay in hiding somewhere while making The Flash's life difficult with a bunch of Riddle Traps, The Flash still wouldn't have been fazed by any of it. Remember how he can think at super-speed? If he were asked a difficult riddle that had some kind of time limit, The Flash can do his super-quick thinking thing and realize in 0.0000001 Nanoseconds that he should run to Gotham and ask Batman. Problem solved! And if The Riddler ever decided to show his face around The Flash (which he did!), The Flash would have him bound and gagged before The Riddler could even threaten The Flash with a knock-knock joke!

One time when visiting Kansas when I was five, I was forced to go to Sunday School by my Aunt's mom. I heard less ridiculous things in class that day than I'm currently reading in this comic book.

I would still consider it humane! Look, if we're going to have the ridiculous debate about how to kill somebody humanely, why not the guillotine? Because when you really sit down and stop being a dick, you'd realize that the death penalty can't ever be applied humanely.

If I were in charge of punishing criminals, my death penalty would be applied randomly! So everybody on Death Row knows that at any time, somebody can come into their cells and just butcher them. Then once a month or so, I'd stage a butchering in one of the cells to really freak out everybody on Death Row. But I'd never actually kill anybody. Even that is more humane than actually killing somebody! Plus, I think it's a pretty fun punishment! It would give a lot of theater majors jobs!

I do like the idea of cutting off Barry's head in a guillotine! Too bad I know he survives because I read Rebirth #1 already! Idiot! Now I'm not feeling any tension!

Wally West hears The Riddler's announcement that The Flash will be executed on live television at the bottom of the hour. Which part of the hour is the bottom? The 30 part of the hour because it's at the bottom of an old fashioned clock? Or does that just mean the end of the hour? Some times you can live to be forty-four years old and still not understand simple turns of phrase because nobody bothered to explain them to you. Assholes.

Oh, um, I forgot to add Wally's reaction to the end of that paragraph! I'm always distracting myself! So, um, after hearing the announcement, Wally uses his new superspeed to dismantle one of The Riddler's drones. Apparently The Riddler's drones aren't programmed to start killing people as soon as superspeed is detected. If that were really true, The Riddler would be done for because The Flash can deposit The Riddler in China long before The Riddler can activate the drones manually.

Oh! I wonder if The Flash will use his supervibrating powers to pleasure Iris. I mean to pretend he lost his head in the guillotine as it seemingly slides through his neck and then his head drops into the basket (still attached, of course, but vibrating so his neck can phase through the wall of the basket).

Because Riddler's drones detected superspeed elsewhere in the city, The Riddler believes that Barry Allen is lying about being The Flash! Good one, Wally! You've totally saved the day and Barry's secret identity too! And The Riddler won't destroy the city until he can explain his genius to the actual Flash. Wally West is a genius! I mean, an accidental genius, but still a genius! Although he actually is a real genius as well because aren't all super heroes?

The Flash walks off to go get help from The Rogues. Sure! Why not?! They've been against him for a few issues so it's time for them to flip-flop and help him for a few issues. But only because their home is being threatened! Once they save the city, they'll be back to burglaring things!

The Flash, Captain Cold, Weather Wizard, and The Pied Piper head off to confront The Riddler while Golden Glider, Trickster, and Mirror Master go to save Heat Wave. Riddler realizes Trickster betrays him and sets off the bomb in Trickster's arm. With his good hand, Trickster decides to hold it against Heat Wave's prison to free him. I guess Trickster is now a double amputee, at the least.

Oh come on! He was at the center of that blast!

Once The Flash knows Heat Wave's powers won't be used against the city by The Riddler, he destroys all of the drones and apprehends The Riddler. Just like he should have done in two seconds when The Riddler first threatened him. I think sometimes he forgets just how fast he can do things.

The issue ends with Captain Frye finally realizing he's been a complete moron and the citizens of Central City cheering The Flash...for now!

Did this issue make up for how terrible this book has been for the last year or more? Of course not! But it was actually a good issue! More like how this book should be. I guess I can't tell Van Jensen to keep going in this direction since he's just kept going right out of DC's offices. I'm not sure who is writing this book after Rebirth. I suppose I can look it up but I can also wait until Wednesday. Being that I'm Internet Lazy, I'll just wait for Wednesday. Or for Troll Post to tell me in the comments!

The Flash #51

The Flash versus The Riddler? This is supposed to be a compelling match-up?

The Review or Whatever
The Flash has been on a pretty terrible run of issues lately. Get it?! I said "run" while discussing The Flash! I could totally write this comic book. I bet I could even write a good time travel story for The Flash even though The Flash's time travel stories are generally terrible and cause a lot of problems. I would have The Flash time travel back to when he first time traveled so that he could kick himself in the balls. But he'd do it so fast that he wouldn't even notice and then he'd try to run super fast on the Cosmic Treadmill but his balls would hurt so badly that he'd decide it wasn't possible and completely give up on time travel. Although that would really reset the DC Universe in disastrous ways, right? How many years of continuity would be destroyed if The Flash never finds out about Earth-2?! Then he'd have to go back in time to kick himself in the balls before he could kick himself in the balls so that time could be put back to normal!

Oh! Guess who isn't doing the art on this issue? Brett Booth! CONFETTI!

How the hell does The Riddler say so many things before The Flash has him bound and gagged?! Comic books are so silly!

The Riddler's riddle is an old riddle? I guess it's from back when people were long winded and asked terrible riddles! I've never heard that old riddle before! It sounds like it was made up by Van Jensen! "I am fast but you are slow! Nothing is as fast as I am because I am so fast you won't believe it! So fast! Fastest thing there is! You'll never guess! Super fast! Whew!" The answer is light which is a big twist to the usual hack writer way of defeating The Flash by declaring that "nothing is as fast as the speed of thought!" But here's the problem with The Riddler's plan. He can set off all of his drones to kill a bunch of random people all over the city whenever he wants. But he explicitly tells The Flash that he can give the command. But in the time it takes for him to even explain that, The Flash should have knocked him unconscious. The Riddler isn't as smart as he thinks he is because no writer is as smart as The Riddler should be.

The Riddler informs The Flash that if he uses his speed or attempts to touch The Riddler, the drones all over the city will begin killing people. So The Flash just stands there waiting to get his ass kicked. You know what he should do? Run all over the city super fast and stop as many drones as possible. Sure, some people will die. But that's not on The Flash at all! That's on The Riddler! Plus The Flash will have stopped whatever worse plans The Riddler has in store!

Oh! You know what else The Flash could do? He could open up his Justice League Communicator so that Batman can hear what's going on! Then Batman and Wonder Woman and Supercorpse can come save the day while The Flash distracts The Riddler. But I guess he's got too much pride to call in the other Justice Leaguers.

The Pied Piper rolls up on his motorcycle to save The Flash. I guess The Flash escaping doesn't constitute an infringement of the rules because The Riddler doesn't start killing people.

Oh no! What if Wally starts using his new superspeed powers! The drones will detect it and start killing people! Oh my! I hope that doesn't happen! I'm so nervous now!

The Flash and Piper head into the sewers to recruit a whole bunch of rats! Meanwhile, Captain Frye learns that he now works for The Riddler because he's made a ton of stupid decisions lately. He deserves everything he gets! What a tool!

The Riddler demands that The Flash turn himself in or else everybody begins dying. He thinks that's a plan by a smart guy? That's the same old plan that always gets pulled out and fails! Fucking Riddler is as dumb as ever!

The Flash gives himself up and he also reveals his secret identity while doing it. I don't remember that being part of The Riddler's demands but whatever! Good job, Barry! Hopefully you called Batman before surrendering because I don't think Pied Piper's sixty thousand rats are going to save the day. I mean, they might. People get really creeped out by rats!

Aquaman #51

Pickle Boy Comic Book Fact #1: Covers with Aquaman being beaten to a pulp sell more copies than covers where he looks triumphant.

The Review!
I hope Cullen Bunn's friend doesn't comment on my review of this comic book because he's so fucking boring! He's always all, "Pretentious bullshit, pretentious bullshit, defend Cullen Bunn's version of Twat Lobo and Aquacarter of Mars." It's like he doesn't understand satire, sarcasm, parody, and whatever the fuck I'm actually doing which isn't any of those things I just wrote but I'd like to think are those things because they sound intelligent. He's a total bummer! Not a bummer like a UK Slang bummer! I mean a bummer like an American Slang bummer which is a downer! Every time I see he's commented on a commentary, I groan really loudly and kick my feet and roll my eyes and yell, "I don't wanna read this garbage!" Then I usually don't respond because I did respond once in a funny manner but he took it totally the wrong way and flipped the fuck out in the way that online commenters love to do! You know, I don't even have a proper review of this issue because I expect the boring fuck to tell me what I should have thought when reading this. Which will probably be something like, "This story is nowhere as exciting as Cullen Bunn's story! His ass tastes so good! Mmmm!"

The Commentary!
If I were the editor of Aquaman at DC Comics, I would insist that he be left in a worse position than he was in when the comic book began every fucking issue. It would be editorially mandated that Aquaman never have anything go right for him. I bet it would be a terrific seller! People would begin picking it up because they couldn't resist seeing how far Aquaman could still fall. Not every month would be something hugely dramatic though. Sometimes he might just have severe diarrhea while trying to attend a Justice League meeting. Maybe one issue he would be proudly sporting a new fedora while everybody snickered behind his back. What I'm saying is Aquaman shouldn't pretend to be anything but the laughingstock he was meant to be! Bad-ass doesn't look good on Arthur. Riding on the back of a gigantic seahorse does!

This issue begins twelve hours before it should since on page three the narration box says "Twelve Hours Earlier." It begins in the future with Scavenger and his gang of scavengers scavenging on the bottom of the ocean. But they get news that Aquaman is hunting them which totally sounds like an exciting time! But then the whole twelve hours earlier thing happens and now I have to slog through a bunch of boring prologue before getting back to the chase. Come on, comic book! If I wanted boring story and setup, I'd be reading a real book!

The first half of the comic is just Aquaman questioning the guy who transforms into the sea beast, Dead Water. If you're into Aquaman being boring like he usually is, this is totally the comic book for you. But at least he doesn't have every super power in the world and traveling into outer space! At least Mera looks hot in her new Aquaman costume.

Although she's acting really boring too!

Ten pages of boring conversation with the man who can transform into Dead Water later and the comic book returns to the present where all of the excitement was about to happen before it was interrupted by boredom and more boredom. That's the problem with flashing back to the beginning of a story! All of that explication was unnecessary! I don't care what Dead Water's motives were for killing the people he killed! Aquaman could have simply found out the name of his previous employer, realized it was The Scavenger, and begun the chase! Maybe I really should be editing this comic book!

The chase is pretty boring too. Basically Aquaman searches Scavenger's old bases until he finds him and then the comic book ends with the cover image. Also Dead Water got out of the dehydration chamber by crying. See, he wasn't really able to cry but he finally got so sad that he managed it. So Aquaman is having trouble with Scavenger and Mera is having trouble with Dead Water and I'm having trouble liking Aquaman.

The Flash #50

Come on, DC. The Flash should at least make the cover of his own comic book.

The Review
The Flash is still considered a bad guy because The Riddler is apparently such a genius that he manipulated all of the time travel events in such a way that it turned everybody against The Flash. Or maybe he's just decided to take advantage of the fact that Captain Frye is a huge idiot and doesn't know the difference between criminals and heroes. I realize that line is super fuzzy in the DC You (and possibly other comic book universes but these commentaries don't focus on those universes). This comic book is still bad and relies on tired plot points and stupid readers. I may be stupid in a lot of ways but I'm not a Stupid Comic Book Reader at all! I'm a Grand Master Comic Book Reader and I declare this is a terrible comic book.

The Commentary
I have a feeling I'm going to be buying a lot more comic books than usual in May thanks to some of these titles being so far behind. Issue #50 on April 28th?! Looking up the release dates of the last two issues of PreRebirth Flash comic books, I see another one is due next week and Issue #52 is due the day Rebirth begins. I suppose that'll be the same for all of the other books that are way behind, like Justice League and Batgirl and Black Canary and Cyborg. Although maybe Black Canary and Cyborg have caught up by now. And also, they don't have the same amount of pressure on them as the comics that need to get their 52nd issue published, so maybe they'll just wrap up whenever. Not that it matters to me since Cyborg really could have wrapped up before it even started. Such a boring comic book!

When we last left The Flash, Central City's Police Department was acting like it was Backwards Law Day. They decided The Flash needed to be arrested while they began paying known criminals to help catch The Flash. I get that superhero comic books have been published for so long that there just aren't many new stories to tell, especially if the writer isn't very imaginative, but can we stop writing this story about how the law turns against the good guys so desperately that they ignore all the wrongdoing super villains have done? From now on, when a writer walks into a pitch meeting and says one of the following, I would like the editors to just shoot them in the head:

"Get this...the superhero loses all of her powers!"
"Imagine, if you can, the superhero...is framed by the bad guy and everybody loses trust in him!"
"You're going to call me crazy, but how about this for the next Superman story: he faces an alien that is more powerful than he is!"
"The theme of our Wonder Woman run will be how Wonder Woman has time for both a social life and a working life! Plus she should be seen in the shower a lot!"
"The hero falters but the people rise up to do the heroes job and the hero acknowledges that we are all the hero!"
"I don't know if this has ever been done but how about a Justice League story where they're beaten down for four issues and then, in the fifth issue, they rise up and win the day through sheer force of forcefulness!"
"What if we have some thing...I don't know what to call it...maybe a crisis? And it will involve all of the heroes and change continuity in critical ways and maybe renumber the comic books too!"
"Have we ever considered lobbying congress to demand a law be passed that forces people to buy our products the way that Obamacare forces people to buy corporate insurance or face severe tax penalties? Fucking geniuses, those guys!"

There are hundreds more like the story where a bad guy kills a female second cousin of the protagonist and the protagonist has grief. Or the one where the female hero is raped by the bad guy and experiences grief. Or the one where the male protagonist's mother is raped and killed so that the male protagonist grieves. Or the one where the sidekick is killed so that Batman gets a chance to grieve.

How about telling your aunt to stop publishing untrue articles about how dangerous The Flash is when all of the death and destruction was caused by other people. She's a lousy fucking reporter.

Iris is on scene as The Flash is arrested to ask Captain Frye one question: "What the hell are you doing?" Am I wrong? Did I remember things incorrectly? Didn't Iris write an article with a headline that was like and probably not exactly "FLASH: MENACE OR BIGGER MENACE?!" which questioned the safety of The Flash operating in Central City after the police headquarters were destroyed? I suppose if she did, it was enough issues in the past that nobody is going to read this bit about Iris and think, "What a fucking hypocrite she is!"

Meanwhile, The Trickster reports back to his new boss who I guessed was Ron Howard with Heat Wave in a fish tank. But judging by his green suit and gloves, it's obviously The Riddler with Heat Wave in a fish tank. He has plans to take over Central City in the same way that he could never take over Gotham. But first he had to get the law to turn against The Flash which was totally easy because he lives in the DC Universe where everybody simultaneously hates and loves superheroes, depending on which way the plot needs them to feel.

Flash's dad calls in a favor to help his son break out of prison before he gets unmasked. That means Girder and Overload take a hit on their sentences simply to help out. Maybe they're good guys too and I didn't realize it because of Central City's Backwards Law Day.

This is another horrible comic book trope. If there's a power outage, all of the prisoners go free because DC Prisons can't afford manual locks or electronically controlled locks that simply remain locked if the power goes out.

The Flash saves all of the cops and prison guards before Overload causes a massive explosion. This brings us to the next example in what seems to be a comic book meant to showcase lazy plotting: Captain Frye once again trusts The Flash because The Flash saved his life. I mean, The Flash saved his life when the Police Department exploded as well but I guess that was just normal Flash saving lives life saving. This was extenuating circumstances Flash saving lives where he saves the lives of people actively incarcerating him for no fucking good reason at all.

Flash now has to stop a massive prison break and riot at Iron Heights because that's just a thing that heroes have to deal with now that cell doors can't seem to stay locked. But at least maybe Iris will write an article with a new headline: FLASH CAUSES PRISON RIOT WHILE ESCAPING CUSTODY! Hmm, maybe that isn't the direction she should go with this story.

Flash saves all of the guards but doesn't attempt to stop the inmates himself since they're stuck on an island for a bit. I mean, the ones who can't fly are. Unless they pay the ones who can fly to fly them off. Anyway, forget about the prison! It doesn't matter anymore. It's time for The Flash to battle the Rogues again because Captain Frye hasn't had the chance to tell them they've been fired. Although if they can save his life, maybe he'll rehire them and begin mistrusting The Flash once more.

It's during the battle that The Riddler makes his big reveal and explains his motivations. You see, he noticed The Flash has never been beaten and he wanted to take a crack at beating him. Christ, Enigma. You're supposedly super smart but you can't figure out that there are cities in the world that don't have resident superheroes? You couldn't beat Batman who has no superpowers so you decide to go against the one that has arguably the greatest super power of all? You really are a delusional megalomaniac!

The backup story is about Wally West playing dodge ball but I stopped reading it when it was revealed the fat kid's nickname was Chunk. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen.

I lied! I kept reading it! But then I stopped when it was revealed the red headed kid is a mean bully. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

Okay, I lied again! The story is about Wally West meeting a future dead version of himself who time traveled to explain the changes Wally's body has been going through. Do I even need to say it a third time? Yes, yes I do! Simply because it feels good! Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

I probably shouldn't be writing such mean things to my theoretical best friend Van Jensen (according to Facebook in which we share one friend in common!) but The Flash really has been terrible with all of this time travel stuff. Van Jensen is at least acknowledging that it's a bunch of bullshit when he has time traveling Wally West say, "Time travel, dude. Don't even get me started." It's possible all of this time travel crap was editorially mandated because Brian Cunningham has a sexual fetish for horribly contrived time travel stories. Also he might just find the time travel stuff the most fascinating thing about The Flash. It's actually the worst thing. Even DC themselves tried to stop all of that bullshit with Flashpoint and The New 52 and putting a moratorium on time travel. But that didn't last because horrible writers decided it was still okay to have people time travel from different non-Flashpoint timelines into the Flashpoint timeline. Those horrible writers were Fabian Nicieza, Scott Lobdell, and Tom DeFalco. Also possibly others.

Aquaman #47

Why is Hal Jordan suddenly back on Earth and acting like a normal Green Lantern? Why did DC just abandon Simon Baz?!

Last issue ended with Amnesty Bay being attacked by Thule. This issue begins with Aquaman ready to defend Amnesty Bay alongside Wonder Woman. I guess Aquadog sent out the Aquasignal!

The first thing I notice is a note that says this story takes place before Batman #40. That's convenient! I'm not going to do the research but I'm pretty sure if I dug deep enough, Aquaman's and Wonder Woman's new costumes existing before Bruce Wayne's "death" will probably cause the entire timeline to unravel. But anything for the sake of having real Batman in this issue! And Hal Jordan thrown in for good measure. Maybe Kyle Rayner can even make an appearance!

The rest of the Justice League have also come along to help out which only causes more problems. Like the way Superman has his depowered haircut but he's using his heat vision. Maybe that's not really Superman because he's using his heat vision to burn the face off of a Thulean which would usually go against his ethics. Maybe the Thuleans aren't considered sentient beings?

Error! Error! Superman has his powers and short hair and Bruce Wayne is in the batsuit and Hal Jordan is in Green Lantern gear and Aquaman has his new costume and his new trident switchblade and Wonder Woman is in her new costume and *STEAM SMOKE MELTDOWN*!

Batman needed to be in this story so he could tell Aquaman he fucked up. Aquaman is all, "I know, I know! Do you see how my raging boner isn't so raging?!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Yeah! Your new costume has an erect phallus coming up from your groin and my new costume highlights my vadge!"

Batman convinces Aquaman that goofing off isn't solving any problems so it's time to actually rescue the Atlanteans trapped in Thule. Now that he has help, he might be able to do it and save Mera and free Atlantis all at the same time and by the end of this comic, God willing! And then maybe Cullen Bunn will never again be allowed near Aquaman. I don't even care about Aquaman and I'm upset that his book has been fucked up to this extent!

Garth and Tula and their crew of misfits finally realize that maybe they don't know exactly what's going on. They decide to stop pursuing Aquaman and just see what happens. What happens is Aquaman heads to Atlantis to fight the Atlantean army on his own while the Justice League head to Thule to have a big double page fantasy battle where Batman gets to ride a dragon.

Most of the action takes place in Narration Boxes as Aquaman explains the story so far. It takes far too many pages for me to believe this pulp fiction Aquaman story is going to end this month. It's also not exciting enough to talk about. It's just dry narration with shots of Aquaman beating up Atlanteans.

I hope the sacrifice is giving up his new powers! I hope the sacrifice is not Aquadog.

The issue ends with Cullen Bunn finally getting one thing right: Mera saves herself from the Thulean Sorcerers. She's only about five thousand times more powerful than Aquaman. At least she was. I think Aquaman has every super power in the book now, thanks to Poseidon.

Oh, I suppose he got another thing half-right earlier that I forgot to mention! Aquaman actually speaks with fish this issue. The only problem is that he speaks with a monstrously huge deep sea serpent thing that rivals Topo! If Aquaman has access to monsters like that, why does he ever call anything else to fight his battles? Fuck the seahorses with saddles! Aquaman should be riding a sea serpent!

Aquaman #47 Rating: No change. It'll be nearly a year soon and nobody in the art or editorial departments at DC Comics have noticed or cared that Aquaman is sporting a huge boner in his new costume? I suppose that's the least of their worries seeing as how Cullen Bunn has been taking a huge shit on Aquaman's legacy every month for the same amount of time. Maybe this book has just become too artsy and complicated for me! Also I find myself constantly touching my penis whenever Aquaman's boner is on-panel. It's so huge!

Aquaman #46

This cover sent me down the trans-rabbit hole beginning here.

Aquaman has been on some pulpy pulp adventures recently and they'll probably continue right up until you see an Aquaman comic book on the stands without "Bunn" on the cover. He's also obtained any power he needs to solve any plot problem that swims along because Poseidon decided to bless him even though Aquaman doesn't believe in gods (according to the Aquaman of the current run of JLA). He's lost his wife and his kingdom and his ability to say he's never been raped. Hopefully this story has been going six issues now so that it can mercifully end to be reprinted in a trade with which everybody will be disappointed. Even Cullen Bunn seems to have admitted that this entire run on Aquaman has been terrible and unwarranted from the start. Although he probably used different words like "people were mean to me!" and "I was coerced into writing this!" and "Have you read Harrow County yet? I actually care about that book!"

This issue begins with Aquaman returning to Earth and immediately choking the fuck out of Extriax who is a character in this story. It's not the usual way most people begin conversations but Extriax takes it in stride. Heroes are allowed to choke the fuck out of whomever they want because they're heroes. Whatever they do must be the right thing because they're on the side of the just! If Aquaman chokes the fuck out of Extriax because Aquaman is dealing with his anger of being raped, it must be the morally just reaction to Extriax's not stopping the rape from happening. I mean, Extriax must be at fault, right? Why would Aquman cause harm to a good person?

"Look at my violated boner, old man! LOOK AT IT!"

Aquaman declares that he will go rescue Mera now that he realizes she's in danger. He probably should have realized it earlier when Mera was suddenly acting nothing like Mera and was sending people to kill him and declaring that she will protect Atlantis at any cost even though she's never before shown any interest in what happens to Atlantis prior to this.

Mera wouldn't want her death to stop Aquaman from trying to save her?

Wonder Woman arrives on the scene to find Aquaman pouting about his new lot in life. I think he'd be happy! Now Mera is merely in life-threatening danger as opposed to hating his guts and trying to kill him. That sounds like things are moving in a positive direction. Plus, Mera can take care of herself! At least before Aquaman received every new power in the superhero handbook, she was way more powerful and capable than he was. I think she'll be okay if he just keeps doing what he's been doing! As for why Wonder Woman is here? Oh, I don't know. I guess so Cullen Bunn could use the title "Amazon in the Amazon"? See how clever that is?

Wonder Woman also appeared in Sinestro this month so I guess somebody just wrote a blank Wonder Woman check to Cullen Bunn to do with her as he pleased.

Uh-oh! From the beginning of Wonder Woman's speech to Aquaman, it sounds like she might be taking up the Sire-disguised-as-Mera role now. She didn't immediately choke the fuck out of him like some other hero might have done but she's certainly got quite the accusing tone to her speech. It seems she and the other Justice Leaguers know about Thule's attack on the world and how Aquaman has known about it for some time and hasn't gotten around to stopping it. I'm not quite sure yet if she's just come to him to help or to yell at him because I was distracted by this:

What the fuck, Guy Major?

Wonder Woman seems mostly upset that she had to speak with John Constantine while researching who was invading Earth. I think she just wants to help end what's happening but I'm not entirely sure because other things are distracting me far more than Guy's alternate Earth.

That costume is so fucking aggressive!

Aquaman asks Wonder Woman "What Would Batman Do?" which seems like a really irresponsible question. A lot of innocent people might die asking that question! Batman would obviously do the thing that would keep his hands clean of any blood no matter how many innocent people would die at the hands of monsters while he was making sure he didn't kill anybody at all. Also, Batman would never do whatever you'll wind up doing, Aquaman. Even if Batman might have done the thing you're going to do, as soon as you reveal that that's what you're going to do, Batman would be all "TT!" and then point out how stupid the thing you're going to do is.

Wonder Woman was followed by Aqualad's All-Stars so that Aquaman could stop gnawing at his problems and just begin punching stuff. My only problem with this twist is that it's not going to help end this story any quicker and get Cullen Bunn off of this book.

If King Shark has the upper hand here then I was a way better wrestler in Junior High than I realized!

The battle ends quickly because Wonder Woman. Now Aquaman just needs to figure out how to defeat Thule while saving the Atlanteans and Mera so that he can get back to his regular life of riding giant seahorses and forcing dolphins to fight his battles for him.

Etriax's followers all begin to panic in that way that crowds in Cullen Bunn books always panic. I guess it helps the reader to realize the situation is tense and scary? And then Thule attacks Amnesty Bay! I hope Aquadog can stop them!

Aquaman #46 Rating: No change. Aquaman looked terrible this issue. Even his raging costume cock didn't seem as full and in my face as I usually like it. He sort of looked like the type of guy a casting director would get to play the part of an action hero when they couldn't book Jean-Claude Van Damme or Dolph Lundgren. Or maybe the guy hired to play Van Damme's character in the porn version of Timecop which would probably be called Rimcop or Timejob or Time Travel Fuck Arrest. The story was more of the same of the bullshit pulp fiction adventure that Aquaman has found himself stuck in. I guess if you like Pulp Fiction adventures, you might like this comic book. But you probably wouldn't have thought, "You know what? Let me pick up Aquaman to fulfill my desire to read new Pulp Fiction adventures!" Most people also probably don't think, "I really like Aquaman and the way he talks to fish and punches things while being surly! Let me pick up some old copies of Conan or John Carter adventures!" Why did Cullen Bunn allow himself to be strong-armed into writing Aquaman when he didn't really want to?! Has he no convictions?! Now he's just wasting my fucking time!

The Darkseid War: Flash #1

I'm disturbed that this issue is called "The Darkseid War: Flash" and not "The Darkseid War: The Flash".

The Flash has a new job as Black Racer. That means he gets to reap souls while dying people cough blood and say things like, "Seriously? Death is a skier? Why am I not being hugged by Jesus?! How is reality so absolutely different than everything I believed while alive?! What's happening?! *CROAK!*"

Hey, did you guys watch The Flash this week? My only question is does Zoom ever look into mirrors? Because he looks like a bad-ass monster and yet he still thinks "Zoom" is an appropriate name? If I were Zoom, I would call myself Gonna-Fuck-Up-A-Ton-Of-Shitmonster! Although the media would probably shorten it to Shitmonster and that might be a bit embarrassing. Although Zoom can probably time travel, right? So any journalist who thought they were being clever by calling me Shitmonster, I would murder them as a baby because apparently that's a cool and totally kosher thing to do! But you have to wait until Baby Hitler is born, of course, because aborting him would be totally wrong and against god.

Of course, time travel being what it is, simply by going back in time to murder Baby Hitler in his crib changes time. You are no longer in the timeline where Hitler grew up to be a huge bummer. You very well may be in a timeline where Hitler unites the world in peace and love! So if you murder Baby Hitler, the least of what's happened is that you've committed infanticide and become a huge dick with delusions of being a savior. The worst of what's happened is that you've become the actual monster! I mean, I think you were a monster to begin with because you were ready and willing to murder a baby but that's neither here nor there nor in that other timeline.

Bullshit. Death isn't necessary at all!

Okay, yes. Death is a necessary part of evolution. But say evolution was not how species changed across time as each new generation favors attributes which help the species to survive. What if mankind were, let's say, created by an intelligent being fully formed and perfect! Then why is death needed? It is not. At that point, death simply becomes a punishment for trespassing and petty theft. Of course, why would two perfectly formed creatures need to reproduce if they were immortal anyway? Why would they be created with the ability to reproduce? That seems like a recipe for eventual overcrowding! Death is also necessary because creatures need to eat and the best kinds of things to eat are other creatures (I'm including plants as creatures in this statement because I'm not a dick who decides some living organisms are somehow better than other living organisms. I mean, as long as we're not including mosquitoes. Those guys are dicks). But then, death isn't needed to bring meaning to our lives the way philosophers and sentimental assholes like to believe. If we didn't die, we'd still find meaning in every stupid fucking thing across the ages. Christ, you can't go down the street swinging a triple flail without some asshole finding meaning in your idiocy.

The Flash begins crying over his mother some more because he's a baby. Poor baby Barry! Baby Barry want his mama?

What a startling revelation! Everybody dies! I suppose Barry will now move from "It's all meaningless" to "It all has meaning" in a few simple steps.

I hope this doesn't become a "life is precious because of its brevity" story now. How about we get real about death and forget about turning it into something sentimental which proves that every moment of life is worth that much more because it's finite. How about we learn that death is meaningless. People die in meaningless and horrible ways all the fucking time. Every death does not have to be turned into some kind of cautionary tale or be the inspiration for a new law which will save lives. How about we embrace that death is meaningless and that there is no afterlife. All we have is now. All we have is this one lifetime. That brings meaning, not because it's brief but because it's our only chance to experience life. If you know this is all you have, and all that everybody has, it makes you appreciate it more than believing you're in a dress rehearsal for heaven. Realizing this is everybody's one and only chance at existence should make you a nicer and better person all around because you know the value of every other life and should choose not to fuck it up for anybody else. Embrace the meaningless of it all and you have your meaning. Unless you're a stupid idiot like the vast majority of people. Then, by all means, keep doing what you're doing because look how well that's working out for everybody.

And now I'm thinking of this:



I can't not cry when I hear Johnette's magnificent voice sing "Life is beautiful, and terrible, and strange." Thanks for the lines around my eyes, Concrete Blonde.

The Flash accepts death while also accepting that he's going to have to be death. Although he could get lucky and walk in on somebody about to shoot themselves in the head who gets startled by him so that the guy turns the gun on Flash and kills him thus freeing him from having to be death! That happens sometimes, right?

Oh, come on, Barry! Just because you choose not to kill the people doesn't mean the people aren't going to die! Remember your revelation earlier about how everybody dies?! Just think of this job as following orders! You're not responsible!

The Flash only has to take one life to become Black Racer so he chooses to take Black Racer's life. Sure, it's a hilarious twist ending but it doesn't really make much sense, right? I mean, Black Racer is just a concept that needs a host. So in actuality, Barry would need to take his own life but that would mean Black Racer would simply find another host. I guess I should be less cynical and just root for the hero at this point.

Barry kills Death and realizes he made a little bit of a boo-boo.

I still think he should have had to kill himself to get to this point. But I guess that would mean Wally West would have to take over again and become everybody's favorite Flash all over again and Barry Allen would be forgotten for twenty five years again and who wants that? Especially if it's New 52 Wally West!

So let me get this straight. Darkseid saved the universe by tethering death to the Black Racer? Darkseid should be lauded as a hero? Is that what I'm hearing?!

Barry decides to give up his own life to save the universe and become Black Racer forever and ever. Or at least until the end of The Darkseid War (which might wind up feeling like it's lasting forever).

The Darkseid War: Flash #1 Rating: This was the best issue so far because at least it dealt with Barry coming to terms with what he needs to be responsible for versus his own humanity. This issue actually gives Barry's reactions to what's happening to him as opposed to Superman and Batman where they've just lost their humanity completely. They're all just, "Everything I say or do is right and nothing else matters and blah blah blah I am above all of these mortal concerns except for pie and justice, I guess." Hey! They sound just like me! Except for the justice part.

Aquaman #45

This is how responsible Aquaman is with his powers. He commands other forms of life to be furniture for him.

Cullen Bunn has really turned this character around! Aquaman now spends most of his time on land, he has a whole bunch of new magic powers, he's traveling in space, and he's been raped! I'm not sure if this is the Aquaman everybody has been clamoring for! Maybe Cullen Bunn misheard "Aquaman should ride giant seahorses!" as "Completely destroy the character and make the comic book extremely hard to care about."

So last issue after being raped by Mera's evil twin sister, Aquaman teleported to a strange planet. Maybe he's going to process the violence of what Siren did to him? I mean, it wasn't really that violent. Aquaman just thought he was being intimate with his one and only love but instead found out he was fucking somebody else. I mean, some guys might just think of that as "bonus sex." Especially since Mera can't get mad at Arthur because then she'd be blaming the victim! Although Aquaman probably shouldn't smirk and smile when he talks about it.

I'm pretty flippant about everything so it's kind of hard to really figure out where I stand on any issue but I will say this: I don't fucking care about this rape. It's no big deal. Arthur's a big boy and he can handle having had sex with somebody who turned out to be somebody else. I would say this is less traumatic than Patty being raped by Future Barry Allen who was technically the same person but pretending to be his younger self! That's some fucked up shit and I could totally understand why Patty had to break up with Barry after that even if it wasn't Barry's fault. I just hope Cullen Bunn isn't around long enough to have Mera get angry at Arthur for this encounter (which was rape).

The great thing is that nobody has to care about my opinion of how much I care!

Aquaman has been in a pulp comic for the last few months and he's just getting deeper into the pulpiness of it all. Now he's John Carter!

I was under the assumption that Aquaman was teleporting via Ya'wara's bauble but apparently it's just another magic power that was granted to him via Poseidon. Of course!

Aquaman winds up in a battle he's sure to lose against a pack of vicious predators. But a bigger creature screams and the predators run off because that's just what happens in a situation like this! When the hero can't save himself because he's terrible, he needs some kind of cliche intervention!

Aquaman, now safe, wanders off to discover that the world he's on shares a lot of similarities with Thule. Oh my gosh! Atlantis is an alien civilization! You don't get much more pulp than that!

Aquaman passes out from loss of blood from the wound Siren gave him. So he fails again and dies!

Stupid aliens. Can't they leave well enough alone?

Aquaman meets the queen of the aliens but she only speaks in garbled Old Portugese [sic]. That means that Arthur has to make a whole bunch of assumptions on why he sees architecture and creatures from Thule on this alien planet. He has no evidence for his assumptions; he has no proof for his guesses. But I'm sure he's figured it all out anyway because that just makes everything easier. He's pretty smart to figure out that Thule has been colonizing other planets. I was an idiot to think that maybe Atlantis came to Earth from this planet! That was such a stupid assumption without any evidence to back it up. Of course I was wrong!

Arthur figures out that the way to defeat the Thules is to surprise them! Wasn't that the first chapter in The Art of War? But he finds out that surprising them is going to be harder than it seems because the Thules know him! THEY FUCKING KNOW HIM!

But if that's Earth That Was, does that mean Arthur needs to travel through time as well?! And that they have a reason for hating him! Such pulpy sweet goodness!

I am actively trying to ignore the nonsense of the needing a bigger boat tag at the end.

Aquaman #45 Rating: No change. Cullen Bunn's run on Aquaman simply feels like a story he wanted to write or tell in a pulp fiction setting and he just crammed Arthur Curry into the lead role even though he doesn't belong there. Is it a good story? Who the fuck can tell because it doesn't work as an Aquaman story and Aquaman's name is on the fucking cover. I can understand how DC's editors would okay this story though because I think DC Comics really doesn't understand Aquaman. He's pretty simple at his core. He protects the sea, he's king of Atlantis, and he talks to fish. But DC is like a child who has been told over and over again that they're worthless. So they hear all the jokes about Aquaman and assume he needs to be tinkered with and changed. But he really doesn't. Just stick with his core shit no matter how silly it can be. In fact, embrace the fucking silly shit. Make him ride seahorses! Introduce a dolphin that has a huge crush on him and won't leave him alone. Give him a manatee sidekick. Do anything that involves the sea or sea animals and forget about all of this shit where he suddenly has more powers than Martian Manhunter. Come on, DC! A five year old can write a better Aquaman story!

Aquaman #44

Totally worth it.

This issue begins with Aquaman creeping on Mera while she sleeps.

I guess you can draw erect penises in comic books as long as you tell the censors, "No! No! That's not a boner at all! It's totally something else that isn't a boner. Seriously. Not a boner."

Speaking of censors, you can tell they must all be really old fuddy-duddies. Have any of you been watching Scream Queens? That show should be blowing the censors' minds! But all of the disgusting language is said too quickly and with words they're not used to for them to be bothered noticing. At one point, Chanel #1 calls the other Chanels a bunch of gashes. She may as well have called them cunts. In fact, calling them cunts is less disgusting than calling them gashes! It's just that everybody is trained to react negatively to hearing the word "cunt" as opposed to hearing a perfectly ordinary word like "gash" and being all, "Oh, yeah. That's cool. Much better to call a woman a slang term for her private parts which is truly descriptively horrific than to have them called the C-word!" It's moments like that in the show that make me hate it less than I'm desperately trying to hate it. I'll be watching it going, "Oh for fuck's sake! Are the writers really going to be that lazy and write the scene where a guy tells a woman to smile and then the woman kicks the shit out of him?! That's like a rock star playing a concert in Cleveland and screaming, 'Cleveland is the greatest city in America!' It's money in the bank!" But then Chanel #1 will call all the women "gashes," and I'll be saying, "That'll do, TV Show. That'll do." Suck it, old censors! You can't muzzle the youth! You can only look around confused until you finally just sign off on the show rather than admitting you didn't understand fully three quarters of it.

Just talk? The erection says otherwise.

Aquaman asks Mera why they're fighting. Luckily for Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire, he showed the readers that Mera is actually her evil twin Siren. Otherwise Mera being upset with Arthur about how he will destroy everything they've built together wouldn't make any sense. Because Mera didn't build anything with Aquaman when it comes to Atlantis. All they built together was a comfortable little home in a lighthouse with a dog they eventually abandoned. She also decides to be angry instead of calmly trying to work through the problem with Aquaman. Unluckily for Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire, he's writing Aquaman so that Aquaman doesn't have any problem with Mera acting this way. I'm just a comic book reader who isn't in love with Mera (probably) and I know this is totally out of character. So Aquaman should also realize this is out of character and that Mera isn't making any sense at all. Almost as if Mera doesn't know what she's talking about because it isn't Mera! I suppose eight pages later, Aquaman can say something like, "I know that can't be Mera! I must get to the bottom of it and save the woman I love!" But that probably won't happen because Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire is writing a variant version of Aquaman and Mera that he created to destroy everybody's love of Aquaman! See, Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire works for Marvel and they've never been happy with Aquaman having stolen Namor's thunder.

Aquaman tells Mera all about the alternate Atlantis called Thule which is totally boring because I read this comic book last month and already heard all of this shit. I bet it won't even convince Mera since she's actually Siren which means I'm hearing all about the wizards of Thule again for no good reason! Why are new readers more important than me?! Let them scour the quarter bins for the previous issues of Aquaman if they want to know all of the little details! Don't make me reread the same shit every month!

Aquaman decides he doesn't care that Mera is acting like an unfeeling jerk because he's got a huge boner that needs satisfying.

Those are Sea Roses! They bloom best in salt rich and high pressure environments!

The Sea Roses aren't the only weird part about living underwater in Atlantis. Mera's royal bedchamber isn't in any kind of bubble so she's just sleeping completely submerged in water. Along with her mattress. And her blankets. And her pillows. And the couch in the corner covered in sopping wet throw pillows. It really seems like a truly uncomfortable place!

After they have sex, Aquaman says "Well, that was..." and Mera finishes with "A mistake?" So far, that's the only moment that's struck me as truthful according to my experience!

After Aquaman puts his clothes back on, Mera transforms into Siren. Am I supposed to be angry about this because it was rape? I think I'm supposed to be mad about it. Right? I'm trying but the only thing I've really been offended by in this comic book so far were those roses underwater!

I can't wait until Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire writes the scene where Mera gets upset at Aquaman for not realizing it wasn't her when he was being raped by her sister! That'll be a classy moment!

She wouldn't!

Siren stabs Aquaman in the chest so he teleports away. But since he wasn't concentrating while teleporting, he winds up on another planet. What a shocker of an ending! And by that, I mean what an ending that was obviously thought up simply to end the comic book in an unexpected way which has nothing to do with the story at hand. It's a real "I'm One-Face now!" shocker of an ending!

Aquaman #44 Rating: -1 Ranking. If you're an Aquaman fan, don't bother reading this book. If you're a Mera fan, don't even look at this book. This book is a disaster. DC Comics may as well have just shipped out a bunch of baggies with dog shit in them and stuck Post-It Notes on them which read "Aquaman #44." Hell, I probably would have gotten more for my money if they'd done that.