Red Hood and the Outlaws #4

Lobdell should be a whiz at writing Bizarro since he was so terrible at writing Superman!

I just saw that meme with a photo of a Native American and then the words obviously written by an agnostic white guy with a 4chan account that says that thing about birds having two wings and people are fools if they believe the wings are different just because they're on opposite sides of the bird. It's pretty shocking when you realize that bird's wings have such different governing philosophies and yet the bird still manages not to crash and burn because the right wing refuses to do its job for eight years. I wonder exactly how dumb a person has to be to think that whole right and left wings being part of the same bird analogy is profound? One time, I made an analogy that I actually thought was clever but because it was an analogy, I forgot it immediately because analogies are simply a way to ignore the subtleties and difficulties of specific problems. I do love to make analogies to make fun of the terrible people who think analogies are clever tactics to use in a debate.

Some of the worst people in the world are those people who refuse to choose a side in a debate because they think it shows they're more open-minded and intelligent. Fuck you, you dumb assholes. You aren't better than everybody else simply because you can't be bothered to support a side unless it's been proven 100%. I like people who passionately believe in the thing they believe! Unless it's the opposite of what I believe and then I hate them more than the "I'm so fucking smart" agnostics. I point this out because I can't fucking stand Scott Lobdell's writing. So if you like it or don't have a fully formed opinion that isn't "It's got some good and bad qualities!" then I probably can't stand you. Figuratively speaking, of course! I totally wouldn't tell you to your face that I hated you just because you liked Scott Lobdell's writing. I would absolutely love to hang out and grab a beer (or a root beer if you're Mormon or Muslim or a teetotaler!) and discuss comic books! Of course after we parted company, the first person I ran into, I'd have to say, "Hey! You see that fucking idiot over there? Totally thinks Scott Lobdell isn't the worst!" Unless the first person I ran into was Scott Lobdell. Then I'd probably say, "Eeep!", and run out of the room.

Is Scott Lobdell the only person left in the world who thinks it's clever or okay to nickname somebody with red hair "Red"?

The high jinks continue on the next page. I'd say it's comedy written by somebody who thinks vaudeville is coming back into style but that doesn't get to the heart of how bad it is. Bringing back vaudevillian humor isn't necessarily bad and has probably been done before by Alan Moore in some comic book I forgot to read. But I also didn't just want to say Lobdell obviously thinks the old jokes he's repeating are funny and original because that opens me up to people saying hurtful things like "Kettle, meet pot!" or "That's you, you stupid cunt-faced motherfucker!" See? I just did it there! How old is the insult "cunt-faced motherfucker"?! I probably cribbed that from Perfect Strangers.

I don't know if Scott Lobdell doesn't understand how Bizarro speaks or if editorial told him to drop the Bizarro shtick because it's just too confusing. Because Bizarro doesn't kill Jason Todd by crushing him against the omnium glass. Instead Bizarro says, "Too many words! Bizarro am confused!" Normally, that would mean there are just enough words (or too few!) and that Bizarro totally understands what's going on. But at least Lobdell understands how Bizarro refers to himself in the third person but speaks with first person singular verbs.

You're better off alone! Jason Todd is the most annoying character in the DC Universe since he's practically only been written by Scott Lobdell! Run, Bizarro! Run far away! I mean, walk slowly close by!

I guess Bizarro is going to be a Lenny or big dumb kid type of character. Does that mean he's going to have a bunch of cutesy, adorable scenes that will make everybody who loves Lobdell's Jason Todd to say things like "He's my baby!" and "My baby Jaybird's Bizarro baby is my baby!" and "Baby baby baby baby Jason Todd baby! Booga too doo booty boo!"?

Red Hood tells Bizarro a bedtime story and Bizarro falls asleep. That's when Black Mask and his goons — all wearing sex fetish gimp masks, of course — pack up Bizarro and take him back to the lab. Black Mask is impressed because Black Mask has chosen to be impressed by everything Jason Todd does. He has a huge crush on him. It's the only thing that explains why he's ignoring all of the signs that Jason Todd has infiltrated his organization to take him down. It's the only reason Black Mask would dare to hire as his second-in-command a man with close ties to Batman who is outside of his organization. He just wants to put his leather clad dick inside of him.

Black Mask invites Jason Todd to breakfast so he can reveal his true feelings to him. Not only does he think Jason Todd will make a great heir to his criminal organization, he also considers Jason Todd a friend. Oh? Is that you make friends as an adult? You hire them into your organization and after one or two days, you choke back the bile and declare they're you're friend? That seems dangerous. What if on the third day of knowing them, I realized they were actually an annoying asshole? Are you allowed to just as easily declare somebody not a friend, or an enemy even?

Jason Todd eats it up even though he doesn't want to because he is lonely and he likes how everybody is confessing to him that they're lonely too. It really helps build the theme of loneliness that lonely Scott Lobdell is trying to express. Lonely people are weak. And apparently they have roast turkey and wine for breakfast.

Black Mask takes Jason Todd down to his warehouse of weapons where he reveals that he's known all along what Jason Todd was trying to do. Of course he did! It was so fucking obvious! Black Mask doesn't need Jason anymore even though he was talking about friendship just a few pages earlier. I guess he was just trying to butter him up so that Red Hood would agree to take over Gotham and run it in a way that would make it better than the way it would be if other people ran it. Why are so many people so obsessed with controlling Gotham? You'd think it rained fucking diamonds there. Gotham City must be the fourth largest economy in the world.

Since Black Mask knows who Red Hood is, Jason Todd is finally able to tell him he's not interested in working with Black Mask. But Roman doesn't care because he's not lonely anymore. He has an even better friend than Jason Todd: Bizarro! With Bizarro, he can rule Gotham easily! I just have to ask again though: why?! How much fucking power does Gotham City give to whoever runs it?! It's just a goddamned city! I don't see the Mayor of Gotham wielding a might influence over anybody else in the DC Universe. It must be the ports, right? Gotham City has the best fucking ports in the world and everybody is just dying to ship their goods through it, right? Who fucking cares about Gotham City?! Just let Batman have it, you imbeciles. It can't be that great. Go take over New Orleans! That's a fun town and no superheroes!

What Did We Learn?
Loneliness will drive anybody to do anything. But mostly, loneliness will allow people to bound, one lonely loser to another. Then lonely loser readers will read the book about the lonely people who can't stop explaining how lonely they are (otherwise how will the reader know?!) and they'll identify with the characters. Then they'll post on the Internet about how much they love their poor little lonely Jaybird while furiously masturbate over that one panel where he's in the shower and you totally see his abs and almost the place where his penis attaches to his body. So close! Oh Jaybird! JAYBIRD! JAAAAAYBIIIIIIIRRRRRRD!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #3

I bet Scott Lobdell would sell his soul for a time machine so he could go back in time and introduce a fresh audience to his old jokes.

The Commentary!
• The issue begins with Jason Todd remembering his first night as Robin. He doesn't know why he's remembering it but I think it might have something to do with looking up at a huge glass tube containing Bizarro. In his memory, he's looking at a huge glass tube containing the costume of Robin. Except Dick Grayson's Robin costume was never retired and put on display, no matter how much Bruce Wayne insisted Dick was dead to him for abandoning him to go off with the Teen Titans. I suppose this is now the Post-Crisis Flashbirth 52 Universe, so whatever Scott Lobdell wants to pretend happened in the past, happened. That's not an encouraging thought. Remember how Scott Lobdell tried to make The Joker completely responsible for Jason Todd becoming Robin? And remember how Scott Lobdell changed history so that Tim Drake didn't figure out Batman was Bruce Wayne but then the fans reacted so strongly against that idea that it ate at him for months until he was able to tell that story again but with Tim Drake thinking, "I know Batman's secret identity but I don't want to hurt his feelings by revealing how easy it was to figure out! So instead I'll act like I didn't know!" He also did some terrible things to Superman that we don't speak about anymore.

• Black Mask crawls out of the helicopter and into the train car so he can be present as Artemis and Red Hood are gassed. I would expect one of his henchmen to do something that dangerous but maybe they all refused. And Black Mask respected them for refusing because he likes henchmen who don't follow his orders if they go against the henchman's ethics, beliefs, and safety protocols.

• Jason Todd wakes up in a strange place the next morning and exposes his terrible powers of observation.

Actually, you still have your pants on and you aren't tucked in.

• Jason Todd wakes up wondering if Black Mask is playing him better than he thought he was playing Black Mask. Let me answer this for you, Jaybird: OF COURSE HE IS! Why the hell would he hire you when you wouldn't even kill a coworker for him?! And why would he see everything you did to betray him during the Artemis Encounter and still think you're his Number Two?! Get the fuck out of here! No wonder Batman didn't take revenge on the Joker when you died. I bet Batman actually sucked the Joker's dick for getting you out of his hair!

"Oh! Thanks for waiting until I was awake to show me this, Boss!"

• Up until now I've been mostly trying to ignore how much I can't stand Scott Lobdell's writing. But after Black Fetish Mask takes Jason Todd downstairs to view the hatching of Bizarro, I can't help remember all of the pain Scott Lobdell has put me through for the last five years. It's just a simple trigger that brings it all rushing back: omnium. Black Mask calls the glass securing Bizarro "omnium glass." Why is he so fucking in love with the prefix "omni"?! It doesn't even make sense in this context!

• Jason Todd bonds with Bizarro because Jason Todd knows what it's like to come back to life. Not that Bizarro was dead and has now come back to life. But it's a close enough fit that it doesn't take a lot of pounding to wedge it in thematically.

• Things really take a turn for the worse when I remembered how much I loathed Scott Lobdell's writing. I rushed through the rest of the comic book because there was a scene where Jason Todd reached out to Bizarro and I was all, "WHO FUCKING CARES?!" And then there was a scene where Jason Todd goes to buy Bizarro a toy and I'm all, "OH MY GOD JUST GET IT OVER WITH!" And then there was a scene where the Black Mask had dinner with Jason Todd so that he could tell Jason Todd that he loved him so much he was like family and I was all, "WHAT DID I JUST DO?! I HAVE NO MEMORY OF SLITTING MY WRISTS?! OH MY GOD!"

• Anyway, Bizarro ends the comic book saying, "ME AM BIZARRO!" I think that means he's not Bizarro. I guess he thinks he's Superman then!

The Ranking
-1! Look, I can't be fair to this comic book because it is attached to five years of Lobdell mentally torturing the fuck out of me. I should probably read some reviews of this comic book from people who like Scott Lobdell. I bet they were able to concentrate on the story. Maybe they can clear up all of the questions I have. Like why does Black Mask want Bizarro? Or why doesn't Black Mask retire if he's got the kind of wealth that allows him to furnish a cutting edge laboratory staffed with the best scientific minds in the world? And why didn't Artemis use one of her terrible metaphors that was undoubtedly going to be one of her trademark personality quirks? I bet Lobdell simply forgot he was doing that!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #2

Sure they do! It's "θείος"! They probably just don't use it often. And they almost certainly don't use the idiom you're referring to.

The Commentary!
• This issue begins with Roy Harper wearing a dress. I think. I'm pretty sure it's Roy Harper. Red hair. Bow. Way too many fucking Narration Boxes hovering about his head.

Yeah, yeah. Definitely Roy Harper.

• Oh! I'm starting to understand why Scott Lobdell was picked to do Red Hood and the Outlaws for Rebirth! He probably still had a bunch of scripts left over from the initial series which he's just recycling for this series. I mean, how different really will Artemis be from Roy Harper?! And with Starfire's constant confusion about Earth culture, she's almost exactly like Bizarro!

• Artemis learns that warriors don't choose their weapons because their weapons choose them. Is that how it works? Is that why so many soldiers rush off to battle weaponless because no weapon ever spoke to them because they weren't insane? Maybe that's a Sun Tzu piece of wisdom! It's just stupid enough to sound like ancient wisdom. Judging by her appearance last issue, the weapon that chooses her is an insanely large and unwieldy battle axe.

• Artemis is an Amazon who worships Egyptian gods and she never thought it was weird. I wonder if Scott Lobdell accidentally researched the wrong Pantheon and just decided to go with it. Why should he let all the new information he learned go to waste? Better yet, I wonder if he didn't even notice until the editor said something? He probably wrote the dialogue between Artemis and Nephthys about the bow of Ra thinking he was nailing the whole Amazon thing. Then his editor was all, "Dude. You're using Egyptian gods. Amazons are Greek!" So then Lobdell was all, "Oh! I'll fix that with a Narration Box! 'The origin of my name is Greek. But the gods I worshipped were Egyptian.'" Is that better?!" And the editor was all, "Really? You like the double 'P' version of worshiped? Whatever. Just hand in the script."

• I wonder if Lobdell would ever admit that what I just supposed was true? It probably totally is, right?! Boy, what a fuck-up!

• Artemis is trying to get the same weapon that Jason Todd is trying to steal for Black Mask. It's probably the Bow of Ra. Unless it's the Mace of Incredible Size. Or the Lance Beyond All Normal Proportions. Or the Galactic Cannon of Ultimate Girth.

• Black Mask stands off to the side to applaud Jason Todd when he gets the upper hand. But that only lasts long enough for Black Mask to assure Jason Todd that the Bow of Ra isn't what he wants at all. He wants some kind of genetics technology (in other words, Bizarro!). Good thing everybody is so free with their information! Artemis is telling Todd all about the Bow of Ra. Black Mask is telling Todd all about the technology (you know, Bizarro!). How else could Jay make a decision if he didn't have all of this information? Good thing he was trained by Batman that it isn't enough to know your enemy, you have to really, really know your enemy! That's some good advice, right there!

• Artemis realizes Jason isn't trying to hurt her because she knew everything there was to know about battle straight out of her mother's vagina. She might be exaggerating because it took her until sixteen to realize that your weapon chooses you! Anyway, she decides she should work with Red Hood to blow his cover. He joins up with her and they turn on The Black Mask. So his undercover work is already over? I guess it's just changed because that's how Lobdell's stories work. His stories begin with a premise and then, in the next issue, he carefully wads up that premise and throws it at the wastebasket (and misses, of course) because he thought up a different premise he'd rather pursue. Obviously he had to think up a way to get Todd and Artemis working together. So he may have meant to use the Black Mask premise for just the initial issue. I'll give Lobdell the benefit of the doubt this time.

How is Red Hood impressing Black Mask now? "I always wanted an heir with morals who would turn on me the first chance he got! You're getting a raise, boy!"

• To follow Black Mask, Artemis throws Jason at the helicopter and then leaps after. As Jason crawls into the train car being stolen by Black Mask's helicopter, they have a barely comprehensible conversation.

She needs to figure out a better way to treat her metaphors?

• Artemis's metaphors are as good as they're going to get since they're being written by Scott Lobdell. They're awful and you can tell he's going to use them constantly as part of Artemis's personality. "You comparing yourself to me is like a weaker thing comparing itself to a stronger thing!"

• After Todd and Artemis stop bickering in just that way that gets fangenders underwear frothing but is actually terrible dialogue, Red Hood tells Artemis to call Mjolnir because the genetic technology in the train car with them is Bizarro. I hope he also gets out his book of antonyms or things are going to get confusing really quick!

Ranking: 0.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #1

Basically, Artemis will probably act exactly like Starfire and Bizarro will act like Arsenal but with better grammar.

The Review!
I feel relieved. This comic book isn't as bad as every other comic book series Scott Lobdell has begun but I see all the frayed threads of warning that this will become the train wreck everybody expected. I think that's why the issue ends in a train wreck. It's a prophetic warning! But until then, fans of Red Hood will probably be happy with this issue. At least I think they will. I have no idea what Red Hood fans actually want. I suppose some of them want somebody other than Scott Lobdell writing him. But there seem to be a minority group who think Lobdell writes a great Red Hood. I wonder if we could gather up those people and do a scientific study to determine what is wrong with their brains? I feel like maybe I could replicate what they're seeing in Scott Lobdell's Red Hood if I chose to jerk off while reading the comic book. Then I'd at least have the ecstatic feeling of impending sexual release while reading the story and understand what they feel. But I don't dare try it because who needs to suddenly associate orgasms with Scott Lobdell's writing. I'd never have sex with myself again!

The Commentary!
I don't think Scott Lobdell has the chops to pull off this book (or any book, really). Rebirth was fine because it probably had so much editorial control over it that it could argued that Lobdell didn't have much to do with it. Editors are usually the worst because they want to be writers so badly that they'll tell writers we're not as good as we actually are. They'll be all, "Grunion Guy. None of these sentences make much sense. I think I get the gist of what you're trying to say but it's confusing and muddled. Clean it up." Then I'll say, "Who's paying who, buddy?! Just do your job and tell me if I spelled something incorrectly!" Then my editor will sigh and be all, "Most of these words are spelled incorrectly." Then I'll blow up at my editor and yell, "ARTISTIC LICENSE!" So, don't tell me I don't know a little bit about usurpers. I mean editors.

I forget what I was trying to say in the last paragraph. I wish my editor hadn't quit!

When Lobdell begins a comic book, I try to suppress my reaction (which is 85% gag reflex) and try to imagine I'm a fan of Red Hood and/or Scott Lobdell. But I never know how because it's hard to put myself in the shoes of total morons.

Am I supposed to cheer when I see this? Laugh uproariously? Feel aroused? Or is my reaction the proper one: rolling my eyes so aggressively that my eye muscles cramp and thinking, "I was just saying to a bunch of other super nerdy comic book guys the other day, 'You know who needs Rebirthing?! FAY GUNN!' And they were all, 'Genius!'"?

Ma Gunn's School for Wayward Boys! Fay Gunn is an important figure in the history of Jason Todd so I shouldn't be surprised to see her in the first issue. What I also shouldn't be surprised by is that this opening image was definitely sourced from her Who's Who entry in the 1987 Who's Who Update. It even has the pull down gun reference shade!

See, years ago, Batman was all, "What do I do with this kid who thinks stealing hubcaps is fun? I know! Fay Gunn has a school to help set boys on the right track! I should be suspicious of her because she's Australian but I don't want to have to deal with another teenager in the Batcave!" But then Jason Todd found out most of the lessons were word problems about how many bills can fit in a sack with a dollar sign on it, or how many cops you can potentially kill with one pistol clip, and he snitched to Batman. That's probably what this flashback is going to reveal, right?

Ma Gunn is shooting Batman in the chest and not one of her boys. I suppose in this day and age, the villain has to engage in the physical confrontation themselves but Ma Gunn is a teacher, not a fighter! She should have Batman swarmed by her students! Although I guess she is the gun expert, so why not shoot the shit out of Batman? It's a good thing the story started at this point so I don't have to roll my eyes over how Ma Gunn got the drop on Batman, especially since my eyes still hurt from the first eye roll.

Ha ha! Instead of giving her a distinct personality, Lobdell chooses to make her aware of her roll as a villain and a fan of Tim Burton's Batman! So funny!

Ma Gunn did send her crime kids after Batman and he dutifully beat the shit out of every one of them. That's why he now needs to be taught a lesson...in crime! But Jason Todd saves the day by tackling the old lady through a window. It's okay if she breaks all of her hips and dies from future complications because she's a bad guy.

The scene shifts to the present where Red Hood is diving away from an explosion with Ma Gunn in his hands. Okay, so I guess she didn't die from complications arising from having all of her hips broken. Or maybe Jason Todd is just rescuing the stuffed corpse of Ma Gunn that's kept on display at her new and improved School for Wayward Boys. You know, for nostalgic reasons.

Jason Todd uses his Narration Boxing to catch up all of the readers who did not pick up Rebirth because it probably sold out so quickly. I need to figure out an algorithm for how many Red Hood issues I actually need to purchase to follow the entire story. Would every other one do because Lobdell usually spends three or four pages explaining everything that happened in the previous issue? Or could I maybe get by with only every third issue?

Jason Todd is investigating a thing that happened in Rebirth. He's doing it by going undercover as a bad guy which was totally hard to do because most of the heroes were all, "What? Not Red Hood! He'd never walk the other side of the line! If by other side I mean the law side so yeah, I meant I believe he's a dick. Sorry for the confusion." And all of the villains were all, "That hero who murders us all constantly! Sure! Why not embrace him as one of us! Cool!" Jason saved Ma Gunn not because he has fond memories of her but because she has information he needs. Information about The Black Mask!

I know it's Rebirth but didn't we have all we could stand of Black Mask already? I don't see what makes him so captivating a villain. Is it because you don't know if he's going to shoot you or tie you up and stick a billy club in your ass?

Just in case you had any doubts that Black Mask's mask wasn't some kind of sexual fetish, let the zippered mouth oliterate them.

I suppose Scott Lobdell chose the Black Mask as the enemy because he and Jason Todd have so much in common. They're names are practically identical in that they share the same pattern: color and type of covering for the face and head. Maybe they can sing some Les Mis in the climactic battle! "Red! The color of my hood! Black! The color of my mask! Red! Blood leaking from my ass! Black! Sodomy feels so good!"

Black Mask has decided being a Batman villain wasn't good enough. He has decided to go all in on being a Scooby Doo villain. He's got the mask and now he's stealing real estate via the tactic of fear. Plus he's taking out Ma Gunn early so that his plans won't be ruined by any pesky kids.

Jason Todd wants to kill the Black Mask because that's Jason's usual solution to problems. "What? There's a criminal in Gotham doing criminal stuff? And a criminal told me they were going to do even more criminally criminal stuff! Boy oh boy! That means I should do the ultimate criminally criminal crime on them! That'll show them!" But instead, he's all, "Stupid Bruce made me promise not to kill anybody. He never lets me have any fun. He's worse than Ma Gunn!"

So now Jason Todd has to figure out another way to stop Black Mask. Like maybe find evidence that he was behind the bombing, give it to the police, and let the police and District Attorney deal with it? I mean, as long as the crazy District Attorney isn't on the case. And as long as he gives it to one of the five Gotham cops that aren't dirty. And as long as he makes sure Blackgate's guards aren't going to help Roman escape. And as long as...you know what? Fuck Bruce. Just kill the asshole.

This is the most disturbing image in the book.

I can't stand messy food. I mean, I'll eat messy food. But I eat it carefully and with a lot of napkins to wipe my lips and hands after every bite. But this carefree attitude some people have where they make a huge mess while eating? It drives me crazy. I hate Carls Jr commercials as much as the next feminist. Although I don't really care that they're making immature jokes about lesbian three way fist merry go rounds. I just can't stand that they always have shit dripping out of the burger being eaten. Be more careful! Don't you care about staining your clothes?! Don't you care about having sauce smeared all over your face and vagina?!

What's odd is that this aversion to mess doesn't extend to anything other than food. I will lay in the mess of sex and just roll over and go to sleep. Maybe I need Batman to kidnap me and take me back to my childhood home so I can confront my issue with messy food!

Jason Todd remembers some spectacular advice Batman once gave him about crime fighting: "It isn't enough to know your enemy. You have to know everything about them." Um. Hunh? You just said it wasn't enough to know your enemy! Why would you then tell me to know my enemy?! Give me some advice that takes a turn if you're going to start "It isn't enough," you ass-bat. Maybe he meant "know" in the Biblical sense. That's why he not only fucks Catwoman but he constantly gaslights her too! "It isn't enough to just fuck your enemy! You have to know how to totally fuck your enemy!" Hmm, this advice stuff is hard!

Red Hood decides to have a chat with Black Mask. Although I don't think he knows the dictionary definition of chat because it usually doesn't involve falling on one's head onto the hood of a moving car while emptying two pistols worth of bullets into guys with masks specifically designed to stick penises in.

This would be an exciting dictionary entry though, wouldn't it?

Black Mask's reaction to Todd's attack is to applaud and come in his pants. I think he wants to hire him!

Black Mask takes Red Hood out onto a ledge of a building to talk about his past relationships. He's all, "You might not realize it by the mask, but I have challenges concerning intimacy! That's why I fuck Gotham! I fuck her hard! In every dark corner! In every abandoned building! In every children's theater! I'll be there! Fucking and fucking until I'm totally disgusted with myself. It's probably why Batman doesn't like me. Because I bitch slap his woman on a nightly basis and call her a whore. That's the way she wants to be treated, and I'm the man to treat her that way! None of this slow caressing like The Penguin, or the intellectual thrill of The Riddler, or the hot, passionate quick fuck on a level surface before the apartment door can even shut of The Joker! No, Gotham likes it rough. That's why...you did get that's what the mask is about, right?"

Oh, Black Mask actually does point out the way other villains have treated her. It's not as accurate or entertaining as mine since Black Mask kind of slips away from his relationship metaphor. Unless what he means to say about Bane treating Gotham like a never-ending boxing match is that he's an abusive boyfriend. I suppose that's possible. This whole treating Gotham thing like a lover was what Scott Snyder used to make the Court of Owls so devastating to Batman. Batman hated the idea that somebody out there knew his lover more intimately than he did. I'm not suggesting Lobdell stole that theme for his Black Mask story! I'm just saying it's been done recently (and probably before that. I bet Alan Grant wrote a Zsasz story with that theme. I also won't bring up that the whole Red Hood undercover thing was taken from Grayson because that would be too much mayonnaise.

Oh, go on the date. At least five people are clamoring for a bisexual latino Jason Todd! And who better to write that than Scott Lobd...no wait. I just heard in my head what I was typing. Bad idea.

Sure, Black Mask! This makes sense! Why not take on a Bat-kid as your criminal heir! Hiring from outside the company never pissed off any of the people working their way up from the bottom before. I'm sure they'll all be totally cool with it. Especially since you headhunted a guy with a Bat-symbol on his chest. What could go wrong?! He may constantly be working for justice but did you see the footage where he shot the mayor in the head? He tried to kill one supposed good guy so I guess he can be trusted. Although how good really is the mayor of Gotham? I mean, if it was Hady, he fucking deserved it.

Black Mask puts Red Hood through a test. He asks him to kill some henchmen who failed him and Red Hood refuses. So Black Mask kills them anyway. Christ. Why would anybody be a henchman for Black Mask? Not only does he hire outside the company for the top positions, he kills you if you make a mistake! He must give great dental. If you know what I mean!

Red Hood fails the test by refusing to kill the henchmen. But it turns out failing the test is passing the test because Black Mask likes an employee who has a moral code! In other words, if the henchmen Black Mask just killed had said they refused to kill Ma Gunn due to their beliefs, Black Mask wouldn't have killed them? That doesn't seem right.

Red Hood's first job is to retrieve something from a train entering Gotham. But he can't go about it the normal way by picking it up when the train arrives at the station. No, he has to derail the train and take it from the crashed cars. Too bad Black Mask didn't tell him he would be picking up an Amazon. I mean, he could have hurt her in the train derailment! I think. Can Amazons get hurt? Anyway, her name is Artemis and she carries an axe so big that manga characters think it's ridiculous. I guess next issue Todd will fight her.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Rebirth #1

How many pages in until Artemis and Jason are fucking?

The Commentary!
I've been seeing Scott Lobdell retweet a modest amount of praise for this issue, so now I'm wondering, "Is this the day I finally give Scott Lobdell a decent review?" On one hand, I feel like a lot of people who enjoyed this comic book probably only enjoyed it because they love Jason Todd and Scott Lobdell probably had a panel with him eating cookies with Batman or something. So then their brains overloaded as they thought, "MY POOR BABY JAYBIRD! OH MY GOD! HOW ADORABLE!" They probably don't know anything about writing and plot and whatever you call the people in the stories. Oh! Characters! They probably don't know any of that crap! And on the other more mythical and probably non-existent hand, Scott Lobdell has finally learned how to write! This seems more far-fetched than catching a glimpse of Bigfoot on the local light rail but I suppose I need to entertain that possibility. I mean, all of DC's heroes have gotten a second chance with Rebirth, so why not Scott Lobdell? I just have one little problem. I'm not sure I can set aside my bias! After years of reading the worst stories imaginable by this man, I've developed a huge bias callus on my brain! How can I file that sucker off so that I can view Scott Lobdell's work with a clean mind? I wish I had some Vicodin.

I'll just trust the critic in me to approach this without any preconceived notions! Not that I trust the critic in me. That guy is a dick. Just ask Scott Lobdell!

The issue begins with Jason Todd stealing the tires off of the Batmobile.

Have you ever tried to get a floor jack under the front of a Camaro, let alone a Batmobile? Unless if you got a couple guys to help lift the car a bit, it's not possible. Therefore this scene has already ruined the comic for me! And why the bottle jack in the back as well?! Why so many different jacks, Todd?! Scott Lobdell is terrible!

That was a joke! I don't blame Lobdell for making a mess of the jacking up the Batmobile scene! That's Dexter Soy's fault! Or maybe it's just part of the characterization of Jason Todd. He just likes to be careful. Who wants a Batmobile falling on them while they take the tires? This just shows that Jason Todd thinks ahead and that he's strong enough to wander the neighborhood with a floor jack, probably two bottle jacks, four car stands, and a tire iron! He probably keeps them all in his hoodie because he wouldn't want to raise any suspicions!

Batman catches Jason Todd in the act and now it's time for Scott Lobdell to really execute that hilarious wit of his! Batman is all, "Serious serious!" And Jason Todd is all, "Snarky smarm, Batdick!" And Batman is all, "Eww! I'll show you! Want to get a sandwich?" Then Batman is all, "I really miss having a child in my cave. It could be fun having a surly little asshole running around! Want to be my sidekick?" And Jason Todd is all, "You'll never tame me!"

Since this is a Rebirth issue, I guess we're just getting a refresher on Jason Todd's origin. So I don't think Artemis and Jason will be doing it this issue. That's too bad! That's why I figured people were enjoying this book!

Oh wait! We're in the present now! Let the finger banging commence!

You can tell just how mature a person is by whether or not they've ever used the phrase "finger banging" seriously. I assure you, I was using it seriously! I mean ironically!

Red Hood is stopped by Batman before he can kill the mayor. That's when Red Hood says directly to the reader, "They say there are no straight lines in life. That it's all one big circle." Who says that? I've heard the line "There are no straight guys in life" that time I was propositioned by another man in my friend Doom Bunny's apartment. But I'm not sure I've heard that other thing about it being all one big circle. That sounds like maybe it's something out of the Big Book! But since I've never had an addictive personality, I've never read it! I should call my drunk...I mean my dad and ask him!

Anyway, Jason Todd defeats Batman because it's his comic book, and then he shoots the mayor in the face while Batman impotently watches. The only explanation for this is that Batman wanted the mayor dead and didn't mind playing at losing to see the job done. Oh, Batman! You're such a sly devil! Never killed anybody, my ass! Wink, wink! Nudge, nudge!

It's about the time of the story for Jason Todd to remember that he was once killed by The Joker. I hope he blames Batman like he always seems to do because he's not mature enough to blame himself!

In his memory of the event, Jason Todd mumbles an apology to Bruce just before he's blown up. Luckily he doesn't get too blown up or else he would have come out of that Lazarus Pit looking disgusting instead of sexy. And then where would his fans be?! I'll tell you where! Um, wherever small-minded idiots hang out! Like hot tubs you rent by the hour! Yeah! That's where they'd be! Ha ha! Burn!

If you're a fan of Jason Todd, I wasn't talking about you in particular! You obviously have good taste and intelligence because you actually read this far into my brilliant rambling!

Later, Batman shows up at Red Hood's hideout to thank him for killing the mayor. Probably.

Oh right! Trust the kid who murders indiscriminately! Oh wait? Is this the version of Jason Todd that kills willy-nilly? Or is this the version, in the same series, that chastises everybody not to kill? Luckily this is Rebirth so I can't disagree with whichever one Lobdell chooses to use this time around. As long as he, you know, sticks with it. Or at least gives a motivation for a sudden change.

Jason Todd asks Batman to let him infiltrate the seedy underworld of Gotham since they all think he tried to assassinate the mayor. Batman doesn't like the idea but he decides to let Jason do it. Of course Batman doesn't give up full control, being a completely manipulative micromanaging control freak! He points out that if Jason kills just one person, Batman will come for him. Jason pouts and decides to have a flashback.

In the flashback, Alfred takes a serious picture of Batman and Robin. Batman fucks it all up and smiles in it. What an idiot. I will say without a hint of hating myself for it that the scene is actually pretty good. But even a shit on clock is right once per day! Don't argue with that! You don't have all the details! The clock is broken and it has no hands but once a day it plays a recording that says, "I have been shit upon."

In the final scene where Jason Todd quotes the Rolling Stones, the reader gets to see the only two books Jason Todd has ever read: Rambo: First Blood and Where the Red Fern Grows. No wait! That's my high school friend Paul Bauerle! Jason Todd's two books are The Prince and The Art of War. Those don't shine any kind of new light on his character! Those are two books you would expect him to have read! It would have been much cuter if the books had been The Little Prince and The Art of the Deal. Okay, maybe that last one wouldn't have been cute at all.

The Review!
So far, not bad! But then this is kind of a one shot which avoids a lot of Lobdell's really weak spots. Like how he changes how one issue ended in the first few pages of the next issue. Or how he'll introduce a completely random plot thread to never follow up on. Or how he'll discard a premise he's been working on for a few issues to go in a different direction only to return to the original premise a few issues later without any compelling reason why. So this issue sets up the premise that Jason Todd is starring in his version of Grayson because that was super successful! I hope he remembers that's the premise by Issue #3! I'm sure Lobdell can pull it off as well as Seeley and Kind did! Although Lobdell isn't as funny as he thinks he is. Although that could be a description of me as well, so maybe I should just shut up already and say this comic book wasn't bad like I expected it to be.

Teen Titans Annual #2

Here we see the Titans running from some disaster they caused. Unless they running to rob a bank or something.

The Review!
I suppose this wasn't the worst Teen Titans comic book Scott Lobdell has ever written. It's not like it's any worse than a lot of the crap Marv Wolfman was putting out in the eighties. This is what Lobdell does best. Editorial says to give him a book that puts some doubt in Tim's mind so that he's ready to leave the Titans for Rebirth and Scott Lobdell cobbles together a story from bits and pieces of the past Teen Titans comic book while ignoring other massive chunks of the past Teen Titans comic book. It works well enough for a story if you've just downed two shots of tequila and cracked your groin against the edge of a fish tank. Although, seriously, Scott Lobdell should invest in a dictionary. Boom! Next review!

The Commentary!
Why do I still read DC Comic books? I really should not be patronizing a company who keeps giving Scott Lobdell a chance to defecate all over the Teen Titans. If I wanted to endure the writing equivalent of somebody shitting into another person's mouth, I'd just watch somebody shit into another person's mouth because watching takes less effort than reading! Now, before any of you begin questioning my authority on shitting in people's mouths and how I can tell Scott Lobdell's writing is equivalent, I should tell you that I once saw a video tape of a person shitting into another person's mouth. This was back when Internet videos were not on the Internet because the Internet didn't exist. Internet videos were passed around on VHS tapes in some secret underground railroad of weird videos. Every now and then, you'd be at a party or some gathering of strangers and you'd quote something from one of these videos that stuck with you for some reason (like the woman saying, "I can't! I can't!" And the guy with his mouth underneath her ass going, "Mmm. Come on baby. You can do it.") and some person who was about to become one of your best friends would hear you and go, "Holy shit, that video was crazy!"

I bet Harvest returns in this! Maybe Lobdell will finally reveal that Harvest is vampire Tim Drake from the future! How can he have sat on this reveal for five years?!

Why finally start feeling guilty about that now?!

The Teen Titans are taking a break from their mission statement to "keep the world safe for kids without any powers at all." This break began when this comic book started and is still going. Eventually they'll probably get around to meeting some kids without any powers. But first they have to solve all of their own problems. And they have a lot of problems. Most of them were caused by hanging out with Superboy. Oh, and Raven! And Wonder Girl! And don't forget all the trouble Kid Flash caused! And it goes without saying that the Ravagers took a lot of their time. But after they're done dancing tonight, they're going to get right on that mission statement! Come tomorrow morning, Kids of the World, you will have representation in the super hero world!

Oh shit! New York has an age where you have to start drinking?!

Power Girl wants to dance with Red Robin but Red Robin declines. And then declines again. And then declines yet again. But he still winds up dancing with Power Girl. What the fuck is wrong with people who love to dance? Why do they think forcing dancing on people who hate to dance is in any way an acceptable way to behave? No means no, you gyrating dance rapists.

No, Bunker, it can't be both, you moron. What it is is a social crime. "Oh look how cute! Somebody is being forced to do something they repeatedly said they didn't want to do! So adorable!"

Bunker begins dancing and making out with a bear. I mean, he's just a twink at first but then he becomes a bear.

Literally! I used literally correctly! I am the genius! Now if only I could figure out if this was ironic or not?

The Teen Titans might not be very adept at saving the world but they now have a chance to save one underground night club! That's a start, I guess.

Bunker's dance partner isn't the only one taking drugs that turn them into monstrous green animals. Didn't this already happen somewhere? Maybe I'm thinking of an Animated Universe episode. I think I have too many comic books and cartoons battling for space in my brain.

During the chaos, Robin decides he needs some loving.

Gross!

I wonder how many people are still bothered by my caption where I said I used literally correctly even though the transformed twink hardly looked like a bear at all! People get annoyed at the stupidest things. And by "people", I mean "me". And by "things", I mean "all of the things".

Transubstantiation doesn't mean what Power Girl thinks it means.

Red Robin is a tactical genius but it's hard to write a tactical genius accurately when you don't even know what words like "mandatory" and "transubstantiation" mean. So instead of Red Robin using his brains to begin solving the transubstantiating clubbers, Red Robin uses a host of technological gadgets. Okay, so Red Robin is a genius with gadgets! It makes sense. But I've read five years of Scott Lobdell using Roy's Rockabilly Genius to excuse the quiver of deus ex machinas he carries around on his back.

In his investigation, Red Robin discovers a trap door under a table in the kitchen. I guess he doesn't have a gadget that moves tables because he needs Beast Boy to transform into a pterodactyl to knock it over. I feel like there may have been a less drastic solution to this problem.

As Tim and Garfield explore the stairs beyond the trap door, Tim reminds me of the story I was thinking about where everybody was transforming almost exactly like this story in Teen Titans #15. I guess this story is part two of that story and not a blatant rip-off of it due to a lack of imagination as well as a lack of dictionary.

At the bottom of the steps, Tim and Garfield run into an improbable scene!

It's improbable because they're all just standing around a cave staring at the landing of the staircase. They should at least be playing Monopoly or something to pass the time.

Get it?! It's SISTER BLOOD! That's like Brother Blood but less alliterative and more sexier!

There's an editor's note at the bottom of the page which reads "See Ravagers #1-12 -- Alex". Do not do that. Please do not do that. If you decide to do that, you will at some point think, "Why didn't Tess want me to read this? It's the worst professional comic book I've ever read! And that's hopeful because now I know that anybody can do anything if they blow the right people! I mean know! Although, seriously, Howard Mackie must have blown a ton of people to get this gig. He doesn't even know how to use punctuation! Not even close!"

Sister Blood explains her entire plan and I have to retract something I said earlier. I said they might have the chance to save one underground night club. But that was when I thought the drugs and the transubstantiations and the mandatory drinking were all things that would have happened had the Titans not been at the club. But it turns out, just like always, all of the trouble has been caused by a villain specifically targeting one of the Teen Titans. This time, it was Beast Boy. So those "kids without any powers at all" that they're supposed to be keeping safe? They've endangered them yet again.

During the battle with Sister Blood's cult, Red Robin has to keep reminding the Titans not to hurt or kill any of the bad guys. Is that a lesson they've been needing to learn? Did Lobdell forget he wasn't writing Jason Todd and the Outlaws but Tim Drake and the Teen Titans? Beast Boy gets so angry that he almost chokes Sister Blood to death but Red Robin is all, "No! Bad dog! Bad!" And thus, Beast Boy learns the lesson that he is better than a killer! Hugs all around!

After the battle, the Teen Titans have a discussion about what comes next. Although I'm not sure anybody is listening to anybody else.

"This happened because we're not paying enough attention to super-heroing or working hard enough!" "You're right! We need some down time to relax!"

Good riddance, Tim Drake!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #13

I was in a bromance once. We did a lot of brock-gobbling and brodomy.

The Review!
According to Lobdell's retweets of people who like his Red Hood Loves Arsenal comic book (because I imagine he retweets every single positive mention he gets), he has about three fans of this book. I'm a nobody and I think I receive more appreciation for my stupid bullshit! That makes me feel bad for Lobdell. Now that this series is over, I truly hope he's decided to recommit himself to giving a shit about his Rebirth comic book. I doubt that will happen since he's been writing for DC for five years and he has yet to prove that he thinks about anything he's writing for longer than it takes him to jot the script down on the back of a bar napkin. He doesn't even seem to remember his scripts from month to month because there is no logical consistency in any of the characters in any of his DC Comics series. I suppose that's the main reason he continues to get work. With no consistency in his characters, he can change them as editorial dictates come down the line. Anything an editor wants, Lobdell does. I'm not saying that as an insult! I'm just saying he's easy to work with and he gets the job that's needed done. It's just that that never results in a compelling story. And it will never result in characters I will grow to love. It simply results in a superficial book that I'll forget about five minutes after closing the cover. I suppose comics has always had a place for that kind of fluff so Lobdell fills a niche. Plus people seem to love Jason Todd and Roy Harper no matter how poorly they're handled.

The Commentary!
I must have slept in on the day this book was released because I don't remember everybody dancing in the streets, fireworks displays around the world, and the end of all global conflict as everybody was united in their hatred of this piece of shit comic book. I suppose that would only have happened if this comic book had been mandated reading for everybody on the planet. Perhaps it should have been! It would have been like Ozymandias's giant space squid exploding into Times Square (except with more deaths from suicide). Everybody would have been united in their hatred and their need to end this threat to their existence! And then when DC cancelled it, everybody would have been so elated that they would have forgotten their petty religious squabbles or international border disputes or terrifyingly militaristic national foreign policies! I suppose we would have had to take to the streets and kill all of the fans of this comic book but that's a purge I believe we could all agree would be for the greater good.

This issue begins with Roy Harper about to die! But Jason Todd has one chance left to save him! And that chance is a mysterious arrow built by a rockabilly genius! It's probably the deus ex machina arrow. Roy can invent anything so I'm not sure why he hasn't invented one of those. He could enter any conflict, fire the arrow, and save the day! What kind of rockabilly genius is he?! He's an idiot for not having invented one already!

Red Hood begins killing the members of Iron Rule by using arrows that negate the nuclear energy that gave them their super powers and brought them back to life.

See? Roy can invent anything as long as he can scream out an explication for what the thing does!

For awhile, Jason Todd was killing people willy-nilly. Then the editorial mandate came down to make him more likeable by not killing (which goes to show how much editorial knows because the only redeeming quality to Jason Todd was that he was the Batman who kills). Just a few issues ago, he was yelling at Roy not to kill. So now that the only way Jason Todd's writer can think to get him through this conflict is by killing the bad guys, Jason Todd must provide some Narration Box Rationalizations for why it's okay to kill this time. Here's an idea! Just let Red Hood kill without compunction! Everybody understands why he kills! Just, you know, write him better. Develop his philosophy and ethics and write the character based on those things. Just maybe make his motivations consistent. Is that too much to ask? Because having him flip-flop from one set of beliefs to another from issue to issue is just one of the reasons why this comic book is so terrible.

Just a few issues ago, everything he was doing was based on giving people a second chance because he was given one. But, you know, fuck that. This is different!

I have a question about Roy's nuclear spill clean-up arrows! What does he do with the arrows after they've been used? Does he have a "Send Toxic Waste Into A Black Hole" Arrow? Show of hands: who thinks nobody will discuss the toxic clean-up before this issue ends?!

Jason Todd kills all but one member of Iron Rule and The Joker's Daughter (oh, he also didn't kill Roy or Tara Battleworth, if that statement had you worried because you're a dummy or an Actually Nerd). It's at this point when Roy Harper decides it's his turn to tell Jason Todd not to kill and that they're better than that. Oh, fuck you, Lobdell. No. Fuck you, DC Comics. Why do you keep giving this guy work? And fuck everybody who likes his writing because you obviously don't understand character, cause and effect, motivations, theme, plot, paragraphs, sentences, words, punctuation, and anything, really.

Roy convinces Jason not to kill the last member of Iron Rule because of Mommy Issues. That leaves just the Joker's Daughter to deal with because she's about ready to blow Tara Battleworth's head off for huge internet ratings. Although, for some reason, the awful people watching this horrible live feed have turned on her and now want to vote her dead instead of Roy. People on Earth-Main-Earth are so fickle.

Roy uses his Stop the Joker's Daughter Arrows to stop The Joker's Daughter before she can kill Tara. I think that's a good thing. I don't even know why Tara Battleworth was a recurring character in this comic book. I guess it's that fickle thing. First she refuses to hire Red Hood and Arsenal. Then she sends them on a field test which they fail so she doesn't hire them. Then she hires them for a special job. Then she never wants to work them again. I think. I don't remember. Once again, a character shows no consistency in this book. Simply put, whatever a character can do to serve the current issue's plot, they will do.

This is how Harry and the Hendersons ended, right?

And that's the end of that nonsense. Except for a back-up feature about how Jason Todd and Roy Harper began their homosexual romance. I mean bromance!

It's not Batman who will wind up killing you when you head out alone without telling Batman where you've gone.

Apparently Batwoman didn't stop the crime of baseball themed bad guys committing robbery inside baseball stadiums. The guys Roy and Jason battle are called the Batboys!

They're not very dedicated to their theme.

I don't like to spoil the ends of comic book stories but I'll just say this: long, passionate kiss and a hand-job.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #12

The covers for this comic book have been terrible lately.

The Review!
This issue wasn't as bad as the ones that came before. It doesn't suffer as much from Lobdell's usually rambling, filling-space style of story telling. Can it be that Lobdell is better at tying up stories than creating new ones? That makes sense. What we have this issue is the revelation that everything that's been happening to the Heroes for Hire has been The Joker's Daughter's plan to finish off Jason Todd once and for all. Her plan is to let people vote on Roy's death to make Jason feel bad and to make people reading the comic go, "Oh, I get it. Because DC had people vote on Jason Todd's death." Since this is the final arc, I imagine the characters won't be dramatically changing motivations anymore, so I'm able to actually trust the story more. We've settled on Jason Todd declaring he manipulated Roy into being heroes rather than the other way around, a revelation I'm sure will not be explained more in the final issue. And The Joker's Daughter is crazy and evil and has always been so. So I guess I shouldn't mind that Red Hood unexpectedly shot her last issue before she even showed her evil hand. All she had shown up to that point is that she couldn't let go of The Joker's face! Maybe when Lobdell writes his Afterbirth version of Red Hood, somebody will tell him every month that he's writing the last story arc because the comic has been cancelled. Then maybe he'll focus and write more coherent stories!

The Commentary!
I keep thinking I need to somehow give Scott Lobdell a completely clean slate once Rebirth starts. But I don't know how I'm supposed to get past my bias generated over the last five years of reading his apathetic scripts. I think I might have to Roofie myself before reading the Afterbirth Red Hood. I wonder if my friend Doom Bunny still has any Rohypnol. Don't worry! He's not a creep! He was prescribed the drug while in Japan because he has sleep issues. I think if he had tried to bring any back, he could have been arrested for smuggling drugs. Hmm, that answers my question because Doom Bunny would never do anything that might get him in even the slightest bit of trouble. He once got caught stealing campaign signs from a neighbor's lawn while in high school and he vowed never to be in trouble again!

I don't want to have to drug myself to read Afterbirth Red Hood, so I'll just meditate on it for a bit and release all of my cynicism and penchant for being terrible into the universe before I read it. Maybe with a clear mind, I'll actually enjoy Scott Lobdell's writing! Although I think I'd actually need no mind for that to happen.

Currently, Arsenal is being held by Iron Rule who are asking the internet if he should be killed. Of course the internet is going to vote yes. Roy does know that most people on the internet hate him now, right? Thanks to his constant and obnoxious narration of his life. I believe Scott Lobdell thinks Roy is hilarious. He's not. And if anybody reading this thinks he's funny, you should fuck off right now. I don't need dopes reading my commentaries!

First off, he wasn't doing stand-up. He was just rambling. Second off, only hacks say things like, "I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your servers!" Thirdly, thirty-three thousand people is not "the entire internet." Fifthly, when did Tara Battleworth begin thinking Roy was charming?

Now, I said the entire internet would vote to kill Arsenal but that's wrong. Obviously he still has his brain-dead supporters who somehow can't see how horribly Lobdell has damaged his character over the last five years. So some people would still want him to live. But that's me speaking about a fictional character. I'd like to believe that if this were a real event in the real world, people would be voting like crazy to keep him alive. Because most people are kind and wouldn't want to be a part of murder, no matter how abstract. Of course a lot of people would still vote to kill him! That's because a lot of people on the internet (and by "a lot of people," I obviously mean "young males" and "older males" and "the rest of the males" and "all of my exes") are dickhole's dickholes. But I don't think there would be enough negative votes to outweigh the good votes. Although the biggest dicks are the ones that seem to have the most passion, so they'd probably create some kind of algorithm to vote to kill Roy about one hundred times every second.

While everybody in the DC Youniverse is casually voting to kill Roy Harper (which I don't think they would really do because how many of them have to endure his Narration Boxes? That's why I want to kill him!), Barbara Gordon stumbles upon the site and gasps, "Holy fuck! This isn't the porn I was searching for!"

Babs calls Roy while Roy jerks off to Duella being hauled off in a stretcher. That's good violence! Red Hood mentions how he and The Joker's Daughter have a lot in common which I've talked about in previous installments of this absurdity. He's trying to save her and all that because he got a second chance and everybody deserves one. But he mentions how he and The Joker's Daughter both chose to wear the Joker's old face. Why the fuck didn't Lobdell focus on that element throughout this whole Red Hood/Joker's Daughter thing? Now that's interesting! That's where the story lies. Not in this faux Jason Todd looking for redemption by bringing it about in others bullshit. Because that fucking crap hasn't been sincere at all, as proved by Todd finally giving up on her and shooting her. That Joker link is what this should have been about! This is why Lobdell is a poor writer. In his writing, he misses more opportunities than he takes advantage of. Mostly because he's busy writing superficial nonsense to just take up twenty more pages each month. He hasn't fucking committed to these characters in the whole time he's been at DC.

This is how I always answer the phone. It stymies telemarketers. And my mom.

I have to say, I can't remember when I thought this comic book looked this good. I'm digging the small panels laid out around a few bigger panels. It's reminiscent of Grendel when it was drawn by those brothers. I forget their names. Let me ask Lord Google. Oh yeah! The Pander Brothers!

The Joker's Daughter is rescued by Iron Rule on her way to the hospital. She's apparently their leader. It's a good thing Jason Todd shot her then, isn't it?!

Hmm, maybe you shouldn't blame Bruce for not being there to save you when you ran halfway around the world on your own. Maybe if you'd made better choices, you wouldn't have been beaten near to death and then blown up. Maybe, Jason Todd, you need to own your part in your own death and stop blaming Bruce.

Looking at that picture, I just realized The Joker has most of his teeth on the right side of his mouth!

The issue ends with Jason Todd finding one of Roy Harper's Genius Rockabilly gizmos that is going to save Roy's own life. It's not revealed what it is yet because Scott Lobdell probably hadn't decided by the time he handed in this script. I guess we'll find out next issue! The worst part about having to wait until next issue is the realization that I have to read another issue of this.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #11

This cover perfectly captures the essence of the story within: confusing garbage.

The Review!
Scott Lobdell will always have a job working for editors who hate trying to wrangle writers into being team players (being a team player, to an editor, is doing exactly what the editor wants) because Scott Lobdell has no vision of his own. I suppose you can say that his vision is writing characters that he thinks young people can identify with by making them rebellious and full of angst and angry at adults and authority but that's about the extent of it. It's not like he can build consistency in his characters over time because he just needs them to act in a way that will further whatever direction editorial wants the characters to be headed. So if editorial thinks Jason Todd as a murderous anti-hero sells, that's who the readers get. But when attitudes seem to change and people think he shouldn't be going around shooting everybody in the face, suddenly he's against killing! That might be okay if the stories backed up the change in character. But Red Hood changes his attitude by seeming whim alone. At least Roy Harper has been consistent. You always know he's the same old Rockabilly Genius that the introduction assures the reader he is, no matter the evidence to the contrary. What I'm trying to say is that this book is terrible with a capital shitfuck.

The Commentary!
Scott Lobdell has fallen into a rhythm with his Red Hood Loves Arsenal stories. He's found a theme that he's determined to stick with no matter how tired anybody gets of it. That theme is redemption. You see, Jason Todd and Roy Harper have both been given second chances. So now Jason Todd is only ever going to run into other characters who might be seen as villains or, at best, anti-heroes and he's going to cradle them in his arms and say, "Shh. Shh. Daddy's here now. You deserve to be loved. And I'm the one to do it because it'll show I'm better than Batman. And Roy will help because he wants to be better than Green Arrow. Because adults are poopy." Then all the shallow misfits of the world who can somehow, blindly, look past Scott Lobdell's awful writing feel good and embrace the comic book and call Jason Todd their little lost puppy dog. I don't know how many of those people exist because all the misfits I've ever known are anything but shallow and would sooner shit on a copy of Red Hood Loves Arsenal than read it. I don't currently have to shit so I guess I'm going to read it.

This issue begins with a flashback to when Roy Harper was working with the Wrecking Crew or whatever the fuck the bad guys are called in this issue. They're basically the negative version of Roy and Jason's Heroes for Hire business. Roy Harper's narration helps me remember that this crew call themselves Iron Rule. I'm not sure why. I've never heard of the Iron Rule before. Is that the one where you treat other people how you'd like to be treated if you liked to be treated like shit?

Once again, thanks to Roy Harper's incessant narration, I discover the meaning of the name!

It doesn't sound cool at all. It sounds fascist.

While Roy has nightmares about his old team and I have nightmares about the amount of Roy Harper Narration Boxing I have to read, Red Hood and Duela Dent discuss how she feels about going back to school. Duela doesn't find it weird that Jason Todd is completely made up as Red Hood for this chat. She should have though because Jason Todd is ambushing her. He found the Joker's face she kept hidden in the bathroom so now it's time to turn on her. Hey, he tried to help! She just didn't want the help and decided to keep doing what she wanted to do! So now his only choice is to abandon her even though that would mean he's not better than Bruce at all. He's exactly like Bruce!

Okay, maybe he's nothing like Bruce. He's not even the shit scraped off the bottom of Bruce's Batshoe. Jason Todd is an asshole.

This is probably why Scott Lobdell still has a job at DC Comics. You would think that the company would want to hire great writers and then keep the great writers working for them because great writing creates great word of mouth which creates great sales. But in the comic book business, what you really want is a writer who doesn't give a shit about what they're writing and will burn everything they've been working on at the drop of an editorial hat. So even though Lobdell has been working on this whole redemption theme and how Jason Todd has the compassion and empathy to try to understand and help the bad guys (after, you know, years of him just shooting people in the face. Again, Lobdell doesn't give a shit about consistency), Rebirth crops up and the status quo needs to change. So Jason Todd decides to forget all that shit about how he saw a little bit of himself in The Joker's Daughter just because she backslid once (or twice? Who cares how many times. He knows how hard it is to better oneself!), he's going to abandon her. And not just by sending her to Arkham where she can get help (okay, so nobody is actually getting help in Arkham. But she can theoretically get help there in the context of the DC You's reality). No, he has to shoot her and make a stupid fucking joke. Nice work, dick.

Meanwhile there's the Roy Harper story that I just don't fucking care about because Scott Lobdell has ruined Roy Harper forever. I'm not even being dramatic! Roy Harper is done! He'll never get the stink of Lobdell off him! No, that's not true. There's one way DC Comics can fix Roy Harper so that I'm not constantly remembering how awful he was in Lobdell's scripts. If DC can manage to get Thomas Pynchon to write a Roy Harper comic book, I might be able to forget how shitty he's been written for the last five years. Anyway, the comic ends with Roy facing off against Iron Rule. I hope they kill him.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #9

It's kind of unbelievable that this is an Ed Benes cover because The Joker's Daughter hardly has any boobs hanging out everywhere.

The first thing I thought of when I saw this cover was that it's a good thing Jay and Roy are fighting zombies because they're allowed to kill them without everybody getting all sourpuss faced at them. But then I realized something else: way too many stories these days deal with why the main character kills or doesn't kill (usually doesn't!). Can we all just accept that Batman isn't going to fucking kill anybody and stop having stories where he has to explain why he doesn't? Or he has to prove to a bad guy who thinks not killing is a weakness that the bad guy is wrong? The same goes for Superman! How often does a bad guy pipe up with some shit like "I've got the upper hand because I will actually kill and you are a right puss from Pusspuss, British Columbia!" You can tell my imaginary bad guy is stupid because he thinks Superman is Canadian!

Can DC just put up a poster in their offices with a list of things that we can all just take for granted? Let me start the list! Everybody else can add their own!

Things To Be Taken For Granted In Every Iteration of the DC Universe!
1. When the Metal Men are not in operation, Doc Magnus likes to stuff the Responsemeters up his rectum.

Let's build on this list, DC Fans! Not Marvel Fans allowed! You'll just make a mockery of it!

Currently in Red Hood Loves Arsenal's Junk, the Roy and The Joker's Daughter were kidnapped into Ann Nocenti's Nethers! Jason Todd has followed in the hopes of rescuing them (or at least The Joker's Daughter. Fuck Roy!). Things are going to really get crazy and interesting because the best writer at DC Comics is on the job: Scott Lobdell!

I wonder how much money Scott Lobdell is making off of the Age of Apocalypse X-men movie. He must get some kind of royalty, right? Wasn't he a big part of that garbage which is basically just more of the same from the X-men? Humans versus Mutants with a little Mutants versus Mutants because only good Mutants can stop the Bad Mutants from proving the fears of the Humans true! The Humans are just cowering, lower evolved garbagesicles.

I know! Because Scott Lobdell likes to play his scripts by ear so he changes the plot every month when he gets a new idea! Not that he had an old idea on where his old story was going. That's for pretentious writers who like to have themes and points to their stories! This is just a fun rollicking roller coaster ride of Roy Harper's Narration Joking and Jason Todd's constant whining about how dumb his partner is (while also acknowledging his big heart!).

This story is called "Harmed and Dangerous" because ha ha ha I can't breathe so funny.

Jason Todd is currently putting bullets in a new gang of bad guys who had a really witty name that I can't remember now. Hopefully Lobdell will reintroduce everybody during the first five pages that he always saves for recaps via the main character's super snarky and hilarious narration!

Oh yeah! They were the Iron Rule which isn't as witty as I remember it being. Maybe I'm just not getting the pun! Is it like the Golden Rule but harder?

As you can see, much like the Teen Titans, the Iron Rule takes care of its own. That's the most important thing to both groups! No wonder the Teen Titans seem like bad guys now. They really should start making helping people their first priority or at least move from a Superhero Comic Book to some kind of existentialist Indie rag about how hard it is to be a teenager.

Jason Todd makes sure to think about how he's going to defeat the Iron Rule by treating them as a single organism (something Ducra taught him!) so that when he defeats them the same old way (by punches and bullets and probably some kicks), it'll seem like it was a well-written answer to how he overcame this new problem.

Meanwhile, Roy Harper needs to get some Narration Joking in so it's his turn for a few pages. I forget what he was up to because I probably hated it. He's discovering an old stadium which is now underground because this area was flooded a hundred years ago and you know how when building are flooded they soon sink under the ground and into caverns so that they're not flooded anymore and the water stays above them and it's all very heady geology that's tough for a lot of people to understand so I'll stop explaining it.

No! Don't do it! It's not worth your sanity!

Roy stumbles upon Joker's Daughter being held captive by some asshole whose face she burned a grin on way back in that Catwoman series previously mentioned. That asshole's plan is to knock down a few pillars and cause Gotham to collapse into the Nethers. Which totally doesn't make any sense because the space is so huge that Gotham should have simply collapsed into it a long time ago. I hate the Gotham Underground. I like my comic books to be unbelievable but there's a line! And that line is almost always crossed by Ann Nocenti!

The Iron Rule were paid by Charon to kill everybody in the Nethers which makes less sense than anything else since Charon is going to bring Gotham down on their heads anyway. Speaking of which, he's going to bring it all down on his own head as well. I don't think he's thought his plan through very well. I also still don't know why he needs The Joker's Daughter. It's possible he mentioned it previously but why would I waste any brain matter remembering shit Lobdell wrote?

Jason Todd's battle with Iron Rule isn't any sort of epic. They get the upper hand. Then Jason Todd gets the upper hand by pointing out that he's following the training of Ducra and letting his body be the weapon. But then that totally fails even though it's not supposed to and he's caught by the Iron Rule. But then he somehow winds up on a ledge above them while one of the Iron Rule says, "That was some toss." I don't know who tossed him. I don't know what happened. But I do know that Jason Todd didn't survive this battle by his own skill. He might as well be dead because he's terrible at superheroing.

The Joker's Daughter tries to kill herself when she kills Charon by throwing him into the lava. But Roy saves her with a Save Somebody's Life Arrow and then it's time for the feelings even though this comic book gives me no reason to feel anything for any of these characters except irritation and annoyance.

Oh! Oh! I'm a stupid fucking fan who feels every feeling for Jason Todd because he's such a precious baby fluff and I can't tell when he's being written horribly because I've projected every one of my own issues onto him and he must be kept safe in the way that I like to believe I wasn't (even though I totally was and am really just blowing life with my parents way out of proportion)! Boo hoo! Heroics!

The story ends with Joker's Daughter leaving the rotting Joker face with the lava people and Roy thinking about his last mercenary group he ran until they went rogue: The Iron Rule! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #9 Rating: No change. Here's how a Scott Lobdell book about youths goes: Lobdelled first page, title that's a bad pun and/or song title, snark, snark, snark, terrible jokes, terrible jokes, more irritating snark, bad joke, bad joke, snark, snark, killing that winds up not being killing because the Boys have changed their ways, bad snarky joke which irritates, moment where Jason Todd sees something in somebody else and wants to save them, moment where Roy Harper uses his experience as an alcoholic to help out, feeling of guilt and shame. Oh wait. That feeling of guilt and shame is just me after I'm done reading the comic book.

Don't forget to add stuff to the list of shit that should be taken for granted in the DC Universe, okay?

Teen Titans #14

Here we go again!

The Titans were shattered previously when some of them didn't want to follow Red Robin and decided to join Manchester Black. They shattered even more when Red Robin decided to help the murderer Superboy escape justice. But then they were kind of getting back together last issue when Red Robin convinced the Titans that Titans stick together no matter how stupid one of them is acting or how many laws a member breaks. So now they're instantly shattering again? Is that all this comic book wants to be? Teens bickering with each other before making up only to bicker some more? What happened to the first story arc which wasn't very good but at least had the Teen Titans becoming beloved heroes of New York. Why is that a horrible status quo? Why do heroes need to be hated by the people they're trying to help and protect? I think Eddie Berganza has a box full of three by five cards with one or two line synopses of each comic book he's editing to make sure writers are sticking to the plan. The Teen Titans' card must read "Teenagers have problems with authority and also adults so these characters should be totally unlikable." Notice how I spelled "unlikable" like an American instead of my preferred way of spelling it "unlikeable" like the British (and probably anybody else using English) because Eddie Berganza wrote the card and he's not British. I mean, I'm not British either but I don't have to try to accurately portray myself. That just happens automatically.

Last issue, the Titans were arrested by Alpha Centurion. On the plus side, the Titans were arrested for breaking into a prison and helping an escaped convict. On the minus side, Lobdell's version of Alpha Centurion has become a part of this comic book. On the super-duper I've-totally-been-betrayed-and-lied-to-by-DC-Comics-because-his-name-wasn't-on-the-cover minus side, Scott Lobdell is listed as a writer.

No, he wasn't right. You can't just make what he did right by having another hero say he was right. Fuck you, Lobdell and Pfeifer.

Red Robin decided Superboy was innocent and took the law into his own hands by keeping him out of the justice system. How would Batman feel about that? Batman breaks the law all of the time as a vigilante but ultimately he leaves the justice to the police and the courts. He didn't break Gordon out of prison in Batman Eternal even though he knew Gordon was being setup from the beginning, did he? No, seriously, did he? I don't remember! I'm fairly certain he didn't and I hope he didn't because my entire point rests on that being true! Red Robin should have left Superboy to the court system. So helping his friend wasn't right. It especially wasn't right because Superboy confessed to killing the Musliens! Red Robin was wrong in every single way! And now Alpha Centurion is telling Red Robin he did the right thing? Bullshit.

Every other time I've said I've hated Scott Lobdell before this moment was hyperbole. But I think I really do hate him. My heart grows dark. I've lost all faith in his potential. And I feel sad because I've now decided he's the absolutely worst person and nobody likes being his friend although some people pretend to be because he has enough X-men money to pay for lunch.

Don't forget how they were harboring a fugitive!

Red Robin blames the anti-Teen Titans sentiment on the anti-young vigilante movement happening in Gotham. Way to deny responsibility for your own criminal actions, douchebag! And not only that, he's only now weighing the consequences of involving the other Titans in his prison break. Most of them could be seriously fucked if simply by being arrested and fingerprinted. I guess that's a good enough reason to, once again, ignore justice and take matters into his own hands! Do whatever you want, Red Robin! If Batman taught you anything important, it's that you're above the fucking law! Being arrested is for bad guys! And "bad guys" is defined and determined by you!

Fuck yeah! Anarchy! Down with the system! Youth revolution!

Before this moment, Red Robin points out how the Teen Titans have messed up because they're kids who maybe don't know everything (except what's right! Remember, they know what's right! Not you!) and that sometimes they make it up as they go along. So basically he's telling the View Tube Reporter that the Teen Titans are going to do whatever they want no matter what anybody thinks about it. Sounds like the Teen Titans may as well be super villains.

So now we have Red Robin pointing out that the Teen Titans are doing the right thing (even thought they weren't). And since Alpha Centurion told Red Robin he was right earlier (even though he wasn't), I'm starting to suspect that maybe they're right! How did I not see it? Their actions have been totally justifiable in ways that can't be misconstrued at all! I'm such a dum-dum! Hopefully the judge will have been told eighteen different times that the Teen Titans were just doing the right thing so he can set them free without having to go to trial.

Or the Titans can just break out because fuck everybody! They'd be right to do so!

Stupid guard! Now the Titans are going to feel justified when they beat the shit out of you and break out of custody!

It must be nice, as a writer of complete bullshit, to be able to shift the blame from the Titans to a bunch of assholes who are against teen vigilantes. From this point on, the story will probably begin to ignore all of the wrong things the Titans did and concentrate on the irrational hatred growing among the horribly paranoid, ignorant, and angry populace of the DC Youniverse.

The comic book gets even worse when Spider-man...I mean, Doomed-man arrives to break the Teen Titans out of the prison vans taking them to prison. I mean a different prison than the one they broke into which is the one that houses the superheroes. I mean supervillains. Doomed-man is looking to save Wonder Girl because she once saw him naked and he liked it.

The Teen Titans decide to use this moment to escape rather than pay for their crimes. I can't blame them! Who wants to deal with consequences?! Fuck consequences! That's why I cheered about the youth revolution earlier! But the Titans don't just have to get past Alpha Centurion! They'll have to get past the entire Pax Galactica!

Goddammit! Enough with Scott Lobdell's pseudo-Roman space beings!

Lobdell was probably sitting around wondering why nobody was using the great Pax Galactica characters he created so he had to remind everybody that they existed. If they get popular enough, maybe they'll be used in a movie and he'll get some royalties! Maybe they'll even get action figures and Heroclix figures! Probably not though because they're ass.

Red Robin knows the Teen Titans can work together so he commands them to work together good! And they do! They do all of the working together there is!

Yes, by all means, please do the math. But do not try the science. Please do not science the shit out of Beast Boy's sudden and inexplicable increase in mass.

You know what? I think I know what happened here! I understand why the mix-up! Last time Straith appeared in Action Comics, he said, "Needless to say, I come in peace!" I pointed out how that wasn't needless at all! It was a very much needed thing to say! But he might still believe it's a needless thing to say so he didn't say it this time! The Teen Titans really could have heard it though because they don't realize he's come in peace. And that's why these kinds of misunderstandings take place!

Also they're trying to break out of police custody! That's probably a reason too.

After the battle, the Teen Titans teleport back to the Robin's Nest in Gotham City. They'll hide out there for awhile until everybody forgets that they're awful people and they can go back to being superheroes.

He's right there. He just turned on the television for you, dum-dum.

Lobdell must have had to write in the Red Robin goes off to fight the Robin War epilogue at the last minute and wrote the dialogue for the previous page without noticing that Red Robin was in the scene. Probably because he was jerking off to Power Girl's ass. From now on, I'm going to be like Power Girl! Whenever a whole roomful of people are looking in one direction at something, I'm just going to stand backwards and watch over my shoulder. Seems appropriate.

Teen Titans #14 Rating: -5 Ranking. This comic book is awful. It was awful before Scott Lobdell was asked to come back and now that he's back on it, it's awfullerest. I suppose the cover was meant for whatever Will Pfeifer had in store before DC Comics told him his book was shit and that the only way to make it better was to make it shittier. You do that math on that one!