Red Hood Loves Arsenal #7

This issue is off to a promising start!

That caption up there? I hate it. I hate saying things that people say. But how is anybody going to understand me if I say things people don't often say? Which I often do! Then the person reading my blog sits there on their core strengthening balls with their mouths agape thinking, "Why am I reading this bullshit when I could be Candy Crushing my way to literal enlightenment?!" Is that something people say? I do sometimes like to type things that people say but only when I'm trying to write a believable hypothetical character. And speaking of believable hypothetical characters, let's take a look at the exact opposite of that with our guide, Scott Lobdell!

I don't know why he says "nien." Was he going to talk about Nien Nunb?!

Speaking of Nien Nunb, today I saw Star Wars Episode VII: Episode IV But Against A Bad Guy With Big Ears. Don't worry, I won't spoil it for anybody who hasn't seen it already (even though if you're on the internet, you've probably already seen it because you're obviously a huge nerd). I just want to say this about Kylo Ren: I totally get why you're wearing the helmet, dude. I mean, Darth Vader wore the helmet because it was some form of life support. Sure, it made him look bad-ass as well which, understandably, is why you, Kylo, are wearing the mask. Because underneath that mask you're just a huge dork who couldn't stand being told what to do by his parents and moved out to live with a bunch of other nerds that were big time into playing Magic the Gathering (that's a dorky metaphor for The Dark Side).

About twenty years ago now (yeesh!), I went to play Magic the Gathering at a coworker's house with his equally nerdy roommates. It was a huge mistake. I have a feeling they had one guy read the rules and that guy probably always scored about third grade level on comprehension tests in high school. The whole fucking game was house-rules and they didn't even know it! They just trusted this dimwit to explain the rules to them as he understood them (which wasn't very well). I gritted my teeth through a few games with them and then left them to play their super exciting decks that were all 50% lightning bolts. Fuckers.

This issue is called "All's Fair in Love and Robin War!" and I don't know how I got through typing that without busting my guts laughing. I might have shit myself but there were other factors to consider there and I, most likely, can't blame it entirely on Scott Lobdell.

Do you think Eddie Berganza actually finds these scripts funny or does he just pretend to read them as he jerks off under his desk watching cosplay videos?

Roy Harper built a holographic arrow com. Did you see that? I scanned it in so you could see it and read it. Did it pain you as much as it pained me? If not, look at it again! Look! It's an arrow standing on end with a holographic image coming out of the tip! Why?! Why does that have to be arrow-themed?! It makes no fucking sense! He's Arsenal! He's a Rockabilly Genius! Why didn't he make some Holographic Pants Cuffs?! Or Holographic Hair Grease?! Or Holographic Banjo Versions of AC/DC Songs?! He does know he can drop the arrow-themed gimmicks, right?!

Jason Todd doesn't want Roy Harper and The Joker's Daughter interfering in the Robin War. And since they never show up in The Robin War, my guess is that they don't interfere. But they probably get into some other kind of trouble! Really stupid trouble! The stupidest fucking trouble ever!

Is this stupid enough for you?

If I were looking for orphan boys in their early teens, I'd probably hit up an orphanage. I certainly wouldn't attack a circus because what would orphaned teenage boys be doing in a circus? Circuses are family gigs!

Roy takes out Phosphorous Rex with an Asbestos Foam Arrow because he's not allowed to kill anymore. But Jason Todd didn't say anything about forcing a guy with a fire head to breathe in filaments and fibers of asbestos so that he winds up getting lung cancer in thirty years! What is asbestos foam anyway? I realize you can make it into a fiber but a foam?! That seems to be pushing the limits of my credulity! Although I wasn't a science major so I'll allow it this time.

Roy then takes out Siam with a goo arrow that he calls a goo gun because he's a Rockabilly Genius. I was going to say "because he's not very smart" and then I remembered he was a Rockabilly Genius so that must be the reason he thinks an arrow is a gun.

He doesn't take out Big Top because Joker's Daughter needs to prove herself to Roy.

Fat villains only have this one move.

The Joker's Daughter saves Roy by nearly killing two of the members of The Circus of the Strange. She then pulls a shotgun out of her skirt to finish off Big Top but Roy stops her with a taser arrow. Later she points out how she wasn't actually going to kill anybody although she did smash a wheel into Big Top's skull and pierced the abdomen of Phosphorous Rex with the rest of the wheel. And then there's the matter of how she was running around with a shotgun stashed in her underwear. She might be a little bit too crazy to not kill no matter how much she says she doesn't want to. But this is the team for her because they "kill" villains constantly! It's just that Red Hood and Arsenal's victims always wind up alive at the end of the comic because they somehow survive the bullets and arrows in their brains and spines.

Roy decides to give Joker's Daughter a chance at redemption. Immediately after that, he and the Joker's Daughter are dragged under the streets of Gotham by lava zombies. It's no big deal. The Joker's Daughter recognized them and everything. They're probably just inviting them down for tea. I just hope that some asshole in Hollywood doesn't somehow think they'd be great in a movie leading to Scott Lobdell making more money on his shit ideas. I saw the trailer for Age of Apocalypse today and immediately got depressed. People still remember that shit fondly, don't they? If any of y'all out there do and you haven't read it since it was out, I'd recommend leaving it be. I've been revisiting the 80s New Teen Titans recently which I always remembered fondly and it is garbage. Mostly. I've gotten to the Who is Donna Troy? story arc and some things seem to be improving a bit. Maybe it's all the bits where Danny Chase was left behind!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #7 Rating: No change. This was my worst New Year's Eve ever! Why did I think reading a Scott Lobdell book was a good idea?! Oh! I know why it was a good idea! Because the new year can only get better after the ending to this year! Thank you, Scott Lobdell, for lowering the bar! Happy New Year everybody!

Batman and Robin Eternal #6

More like "Out of the ass!" Batman is totally farting on Robin.

This comic book comes out weekly so I probably don't need to recap what happened last week. We all remember how that one kid did that thing that caused some other thing to thing, right? Okay then!

This issue, it's time to learn a little something about Jason Todd. This is probably the best place to currently learn about him. You don't want to get your Jason Todd information from Red Hood Loves Arsenal because that comic book is a satire. I think. Anyway, you also don't want to get your information from the 1985 Who's Who comic book. This is my favorite line from Jason Todd's Robin entry: "His reasoning and detective skills are weak". Ha ha! Insulted by his own biography!

Actually, I meant to say "poor, sweet little Jason" and not "ha ha" if you're a Jason Todd fan. If you aren't, go ahead and read it exactly like I wrote it.

Maybe I was too quick to dismiss the Who's Who entry.

Dick and Jason are investigating the Church of St. Elijah the Thunderer by a Whirlwind because that's where Harper and Cass were recently attacked by Orphan. That's also where Batman and Robin tracked down the Scarecrow several years ago but then lost him. It's also where my mind boggles at who congregates at this church! I did some extremely limited research with Lord Google but that only led me to some sites about the Carmelites and then to photos of the Carmelite Monastery in Santa Clara, California. I grew up across the street from it and it continues to fascinate me. But I don't think they were worshiping any Thunderers. Although for a few months, some graffiti remained on the outside wall directly across the street from my house that read "Satan worshipers," so you never know!

Dick remembers back when he and Batman were trying to stop the Scarecrow from escaping to Prague in his prop plane. But it's not a story that he should probably tell to Jason because it ends with Dick almost, but not actually, being blown to pieces. He especially shouldn't bring it up because it apparently led to an around the world chase because Batman couldn't allow the Scarecrow to get away with almost killing his sidekick! Hearing that might hurt Jason Todd's poor little heart. (If you're a Jason Todd fan, just go to the next paragraph now.) Are all the Jason Todd fans gone now? Okay, now we can all laugh at him and call him a big baby! Wah wah! Batman likes Dick Grayson so much better! Nobody loves me! Boo hoo! Hmm, that was probably a little much, wasn't it? Now I just sound like an asshole! I can't help it! I don't want to hate Jason Todd but my hands are tied! DC has chosen to give me Scott Lobdell's Jason Todd and nearly no other representation of him! I would be a fool to care about him! Or Tim Drake for that matter!

Batman catches Robin in the Batwing instead of letting Robin fall to his death. That probably could have gone unmentioned, right? Since Dick is alive in the future and just remembering this part? Although Jason Todd is also alive in the future and he had his brains knocked out by a crowbar before being blown to tiny little bits and he's still around to remember stuff!

This is part of the memory that Dick doesn't remember but the reader gets to enjoy because this Maxwell guy is super suspicious! Aren't all characters introduced casually near the beginning of a mystery always the person behind it all?!

Maxwell tells Bruce about his wife Alicia. It turns out she's just one of Mother's products. Is Batman and Robin Eternal based on Futurama?

Maxwell is all, "Dude! She's been programmed to do anything I want! You should get one!" And Bruce is all, "I'm the Jeezly Crow Batman!" Except he just says that part in his head and tries to remember to punch Maxwell in his disgusting face later after he puts the costume back on. Maxwell also mentions that he picked Alicia up at the Perfect Wife store in Prague! Bruce is all, "Oh! I've always wanted to go to...um...Germany?" And Maxwell is all, "Um, yes or the other country. The one next to it. Spain? Um, anyway, Mother owns that store and you should probably be realizing that Scarecrow was going there right about now and putting all of the variables into a satisfactory equation that equals justice!"

I find it unsavory that Maxwell is comparing grooming Dick to endanger himself in the fight against justice to purchasing a woman lacking any free will as a sex slave! I think.

Oh! So that's what this story is about! You know how fully 75% of Batman stories (I did the math on the calculator in my brain!) are about comparing the bad guy to Batman to show how Batman differs by the thinnest of margins (even though those thin margins are noble and shit)?! This story is about justifying what Batman did to Jason and Dick and Barbara and Tim and all the rest he took under his wing and turned into vigilantes! Now we get to see the evil side of doing the same thing. When it's all said and done, we'll be left feeling relieved that Batman did what was best for these kids instead of how we all feel now which is that he's a monster endangering children and using them to balance the suicidal darkness within!

Later that night, Batman decides to check up on Maxwell and his wife since some big thuggish guy was giving Maxwell the creep eye after Maxwell blabbed about Mother. After hacking into the security cameras at Maxwell's place, he discovers Orphan running around throwing knives at cameras. That's vandalism! Batman gears up and rushes out to stop that jerk! This is also the moment when he first creates the file on Mother. The file which none of the Batkids knew anything about. The one Cassandra Cain had along with her Batgum which she gave to Dick. This must be why Batman never told Robin about it. Because the things he and Mother were doing were too similar and he felt weirded out by it. Plus Mother was in Prague and they were already going there to find the Scarecrow, so why just confuse matters by mentioning it to the kid?

Batman does some research on Alicia and finds that when she was known as Gwendolyn, her family were shot before her eyes. She was kidnapped to be used as a product for rich men later in life. She--and many others--were purposefully orphaned to be shaped into products for Mother.

Since you decided to do it at least two more times, I'm going to guess that you eventually decide you're not guilty of that.

Back to the present, Dick makes the realization that it was the moment they left for Prague when Batman began concealing the Mother thing from him. He then tells Jason Todd that he's going to Prague and that he's not going to tell Harper or Cassandra about all of this mess. Jason Todd, being much smarter than the Who's Who gives him credit for, says, "You realize what you're doing, right? Do I need to make a chart so you can see how you're making all of the same mistakes Batman made? Should I draw a picture of you wearing bat ears? Maybe you should, you know, be honest with everyone? Let us all work this crap out together?" And Dick is all, "No time! No time! I have to get to Prague!" But then he thinks better of it because he knows Babs won't kiss him if he reminds her too much of Batman and he heads out to pick up Harper and Cass on his way.

Mother gets a one panel cameo at the end of the issue but I don't recognize her because she was drawn by Tony S. Daniel but she had lines on her face which totally confused me because I was all, "Is that a man? Is Mother a man? Twist!"

Batman and Robin Eternal #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. This was the issue that reveals what to expect for the next 46 weeks! Batman is on trial for being a creepy old guy manipulating the lives of children and brainwashing them to act in ways they never would have acted on their own! Or...is he?! Once again, Batman faces off against a twisted mirror image of his own life! Joker! Wrath! Scarecrow! Catwoman...um, probably! And now Mother! Will Batman be found guilty of being gross?! Or will he be judged innocent of creepy intent?! Only a jury of Batkids can decide! Hopefully after they engage in multiple sexual escapades!

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Red Hood and the Outlaws #40

This issue had better not end with a "To be continued in the stupid annual!"

Good riddance, losers! This is the part where the boring assholes sing "Hey hey hey! Goodbye!" And then they high-five each other in celebration of doing the most trite and boring thing they could have done out of all things in the entire world! And this is me doing the same thing but pretending it's being done by a couple of fictional dickspasms!

The issue begins with Helspont sneaking up on Red Hood and the Outlaws because Roy said, "It can't get any worse!" So unless Scott Lobdell forgets he ended last issue with that line, somebody is going to berate Roy for his choice of words.

Hmm, I guess Lobdell forgot to finish his joke. But that's no surprise! He often forgets how he ended his scripts the month before. Reading trade paperbacks of his stories must be nearly incomprehensible.

Anyway, the Outlaws defeat Helspont in four pages or something.

I hope the rest of the comic book is just advertisements for army men, sea monkeys, and Grit.

Darn it. They didn't really defeat Helspont that easily. Shucks! He comes back at them with a counterattack while proving that English is just his second language.

Perhaps "presume" is the word you're looking for?

Rose Wilson throws two swords into Helspont's chest and everybody is shocked when they barely faze him. I mean, it's understandable that he survived gun shots and the explosive arrow to the chest and Starfire's sun bolts. But swords? Come on! This is one tough son of a bitch!

Blackfire shows up and is all, "Surprise to nobody! I'm with Helspont! Tee hee!" Rose Wilson is all, "I see you're the prudish sister, Starfire!" And Starfire is all, "Take that back! I guzzle cum way better than Blackfire!" And Roy is all, "Totally!" And Starfire is all, "How do you know how much cum my sister can guzzle?!" And Roy is all, "Whoops!"

"Tee hee! Your general is in blow job position, sir!"

Helspont's army of Citadel warriors take control of the situation. Too bad they've been written to have a single, fatal flaw! Crux, having researched every alien in the universe somehow while living on Earth, knows that every soldier of the Citadel's brain is wired directly to their armor which is wired directly to every other piece of armor which are all wired directly to a three meter hole big enough to bullseye a womp rat! Whew! I was afraid Scott Lobdell was going to create an unbeatable army!

Blackfire actually loves Starfire so she blasts Helspont in his junk instead of killing her sister's friends. The Citadel soldiers stand around thinking, "Should we do something or just wait around for Crux to shut us down?" Blackfire gets thrown hundreds of miles away by Helspont as he nurses his blasted testicles which might now be oozing pus and madness. Then Jason Todd shoots the kneecaps out of the one Citadel soldier standing nearby so that Crux can play Angry Birds while sitting on top of him. Todd grabs the big gun of the Citadel soldier and starts blasting Helspont in the face with it. Helspont falls over thinking, "What the fuck happened to me? I used to be a powerful bad ass! But now I keep getting beat by arrogant bastards who hide behind guns and red masks! Fuck you Grifter and Red Hood! I will have my revenge!"

In the space of just two minutes, Rose Wilson has racked up one-third of the kills her father has scored in his entire life (according to his own comic book (but prior to his killing three hundred of Odysseus's blind henchmen)!).

Arsenal manages to kill one soldier. I guess that's pretty good for a guy with a bow. Plus, he must have been busy building the monstrous spider gun he uses to blow the ultimate omnifuck out of Helspont. All that's left of Helspont is his arm so I'm going to say he's really and truly dead now. No way he can ever come back from that. Nope! As dead as a door nail named Ted Kord!

Although Ted Kord is really and truly back in Justice League 3000 so I guess I can't use that comparison anymore.

After the battle, Starfire heads home to Tamawhatever with Crux piloting the ship and her sister trying not to die in sick bay. Arsenal is all, "Well, it was fun!" And Starfire is all, "Yeah! We'll probably never see each other again because Scott Lobdell is still going to be writing your comic book and DC Comics probably knows better than to let him write me ever again!" And Roy is all, "I know, right?!" And Jason Todd is all, "We were OUTLAWS!" And everybody is all, "What the fuck does that mean?"

The end!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #40 Rating: No change. Hey hey hey! Goodbye! *HIGH-FIVES EVERYBODY!*

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39

How does Starfire's top even work? How does it stay in place? Super glue?

I don't really get Writer's Block so much as Turning Whatever Word or Phrase Pops Into My Head Into A Version of The Spider-Man Cartoon Theme Song Block. So I'll begin a commentary and just start typing something "Writer's Block! Writer's Block! Does whatever a Writer's Block does! Turns your stories into shite then makes you write about what to write! Look out! Here comes the Writer's Block!" Since I wanted to be Spider-Man back when I was a little tyke, I'm willing to guess about fifteen percent of my life has been me turning things into the Spider-man song. Possibly the only time I've ever felt a connection to Homer Simpson was when he sang the Spider-Pig song. Aside from his desire to fuck doughnuts, of course.

If you've been reading my commentaries for some length of time (masochists!), you'll have encountered a few of my versions of the theme song. Mostly I'm able to keep them bottled up. Nobody wants to read a new version of the Spider-Man cartoon theme song two or three times a day.

It's also difficult to say you have Writer's Block when you're just typing up snarky comments about the comic book you're currently reading. I definitely run the gamut concerning my desire to be writing about a comic book. So sometimes you'll get a half-assed synopsis of Batman and Superman's trip to Kandor because I'd rather be playing Magic the Gathering on the Xbox while other times you'll get a lovingly worded and fondly written Batgirl diary entry crafted across two to three hours. Sometimes the reviews are a labor and sometimes they're a labor of love. Sometimes I just need to get another comic book off the stack, and other times I'm thoroughly invested in the story and excited by the characters.

Mostly though, I'm just avoiding thinking about death.

Believe it or not, that last sentence was a joke! I like to keep the mood of my commentaries light and whimsical with just a hint of rotting in the grave!

Oh shit! I distracted myself so well with the previous Spider-Man bit that I forgot I was about to read a Scott Lobdell comic book until I picked it up and opened it to this:

Not quite Lobdelled in my traditional definition of "Lobdelling a comic book," but close enough for my tastes.

I wonder if Jason Todd knows that Batman once had to wage the same battle against Venom? Way back before Bane was even a sperm clot in Chuck Dixon and Doug Moench's throats. Apparently that story was by Denny O'Neil (the creator of Venom (the drug, not the alien symbiote!)). I guess Replacement Batman's use of Venom over in World's End is a callback to that story. Although it hadn't occurred to me before this because Replacement Batman had been using Miraclo in Earth-2 and only switched over to Venom while in World's End. I guess because Val-el or Power Girl or The Huntress or somebody destroyed his supply of Miraclo because it was an addictive drug. But then nobody seemed to give a shit when he upped his prescription to Venom.

Now Jason Todd had to struggle with using Venom because why wouldn't he use a drug to enhance his normal capabilities? I mean, he's a teenager, right? And Scott Lobdell knows all about the lives of teenagers! That's why Red Hood, Arsenal, and Starfire's lives are filled with relationship drama and battles against illicit substances and bitter resentment towards adults.

Also, teenagers love to parody misquotes from movies nearly seventy years old.

Granted, that near quote of the line from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre has just become one of those quotes that has a full and vibrant life outside of its original source. So I'm sure if you ask Roy where the quote is from, he'll say he heard it from some modern movie or television show.

Fun Fact: I never knew where the abridged version of the quote was from until just now when I asked Lord Google about the quote so I could find a list of modern movies and television shows where it's appeared. Princess Wikipedia states that the more popular, shortened version of the line comes from The Monkees. So when I was a kid watching that show in syndication (I can still hear Mickey Dolenz saying it!), I may have learned the line from there and, like Roy here, gone around quoting it without realizing it was from a thirty plus year old movie. So I guess teenagers do love to parody quotes from ancient sources! They just probably think that the quote comes from whatever source they heard it from first and then argue with anybody who tells them differently. I know I would have!

Princess Wikipedia also has this to say about the line: "In a 1983 episode of TV series Wizards and Warriors, the character Marko (played by Walter Olkewicz) delivers a spoof of the line as 'Badgers? We don't need no stinkin' badgers'." I loved that show as a swords and sorcery, Dungeons and Dragons, mythology obsessed twelve year old! I know, I was totally not like any other twelve year old, right?! Princess Wikipedia says she needs a citation for that quote. I should get her the citation since I have that series burned to DVD! I'll find the scene where Jacques Renault says it! But later. I'm busy reading another fantastic Scott Lobdell comic book right now.

What does that mean?! Is that a compliment? "I don't need an illicit substance that will eventually consume my every waking thought and send my life spiraling out of control. I've got you!"

Meanwhile in the jungle, Blackfire and Starfire have a normal sisterly interaction.

Blackfire: "I'm so glad I traveled across the universe and found you tied to a tree so I can kill you!"
Starfire: "What? No! Don't!"
Blackfire: "I am so excited to get to kill you after whatever it is you did recently to make me mad at you again even though I thought we were getting along and shit."
Starfire: "Why am I not dead yet?"
Blackfire: "God, if I wasn't able to kill you myself, I don't know what I'd do! It's like the only thing that's been keeping me going for like the last ten hours or something."
Starfire: "Um, you don't really want to kill me, do you?"
Blackfire: "I'm just savoring the moment! It's not like you're going to be rescued way out here in the middle of this jungle! I have time to enjoy the arousal brought on by a job well done nearly completed!"
Starfire: "Um, hey, weren't you busy being a Queen or something?"
Blackfire: "Oh yeah! That's a long story that I probably have time to tell and then still kill you after! Let me tell it to you!"
Starfire: "What's that sound?"
Blackfire: "Oh! Get down even lower than you already are lying on the ground in chains! It is a patrol of Citadel monsters that I am running from and why I have come to get help from you!"
Starfire: "Wait. What? Is fucking Helspont behind the way you're acting?"

I guess Blackfire has to keep up the appearance that she wants Starfire dead because she's being observed by Helspont but his ability to observe her only works occasionally which allows Blackfire to tell Starfire why she really sought her out after claiming to want to kill her? Or Scott Lobdell is doing that thing where one comic book ends one way and then he begins the next one another way because he either can't remember where he meant for the story to go or he just thought up a new plot point that works better than the vague, bullshit he'd been planning earlier?

Manufactured indignation! Faux outrage! Increased drama! Characterization!

Immediately after this, Crux's ship is hit by a missile and blows up. I guess the monkeys in this jungle have some serious feces throwing technology. Crux manages to pull Roy Harper from the explosion but not Red Hood, so I guess he's dead. Crux also gets shot while flying Roy to safety, so I guess he's dead too.

If you're one of those people who refuse to look at the cover of their comic books to avoid spoilers, you'd be surprised to find that Rose Wilson is the one behind the attack. She's trying to kill the Red Hood which completely explains why she's in this jungle waiting for him.

Jason Todd and Rose Wilson's initial conversation goes like this:

Jason Todd: "Hey, Rose. Love that mask."
Rose Wilson: "Yeah. I'd considered a heart tattoo that said 'Jason' with an axe hacking it in two."

I know I usually make up those dialogues but that was the actual dialogue this time. It was split up across two pages so scanning it was a problem. But it's such a horrible interaction that I thought it needed to be documented here in this Anti-Lobdell safe-zone. So Rose's response to her mask is to tell Jason that he broke her heart and that she figured a mask was better than a horrible face tattoo. I suppose that's what passes for snarky, hilarious banter in a Scott Lobdell comic book. Also, Rose and Jason were an item?

Whether it's Superboy and Wonder Girl, Cheshire and Arsenal, or Rose Wilson and Jason Todd, apparently Scott Lobdell is incapable of writing a fight scene between a male and a female without making them flirt awkwardly. "Oh! Oh! I want to kill you! Or fuck you!" "Eww, you make me so angry! But you're so cute!" "It's too bad I have to cut your dick off instead of putting it inside of me!"

Meanwhile, Blackfire takes off some of her clothes which seems almost impossible for her to still be wearing anything after stating she took off some clothes. I guess she needed to compete with her sister's male gaze. Half of the ink now being used on the Starfire/Blackfire scenes is orange and is being used on boobies.

Starfire and Blackfire bond and not a word is said about how Blackfire threatened to kill her. I guess that was just the kind of hyperbole a sister uses when she finds her sibling tied to a tree in a jungle whacked out on Space Crank. Blackfire tells Starfire to take it easy while she heads out to run an errand.

"Just let me put even less clothing on than I'm currently wearing first. Be back in a jiff!"

Double meanwhile, Rose Wilson joins up with Red Hood, Arsenal, and Crux for some reason. It's not like she just tried to murder them and then hunted around the wreckage hoping to find gory evidence of that murder or anything. She was just teasing! Also, her job wasn't to kill Jason Todd as we saw in a previous panel. They're just a distraction. Her real job must involve killing Tamaraneans! Or Citadelians? Or monkeys?

Turns out Rose is definitely hunting Starfire (again, only a surprise to the people that got the Harley Quinn variant cover) because Starfire has made a lot of enemies buying drugs from them recently.

Wrong. Your conversation about how long the fight would last was three seconds. I hate to side with Jason Todd but you're wrong, Roy Harper. Although I do love to side against Roy Harper!

I know for an artist it's always more visibly stimulating to have two antagonists rush each other with fists cocked. But Rose has a sword which she's deadly with so why didn't she pull it out? And Starfire shoots bolts of energy so why didn't she just remain hovering out of Rose's reach while burning her face off? I think these two women just wanted to touch. And they probably did it for the males watching!

Much quicker than usual, everybody realizes they're basically on the same side and nobody is using drugs anymore. That's because the trend at DC Comics is for happy and whimsical with less grim and gritty angst. Now instead of everybody battling their inner demons, it's time to battle the outer demons congregating in the jungle making Space Crank! I wonder if Blackfire is behind it all, the traitorous wench!

Oh yeah. And Helspont. Blackfire and Helspont are behind it all!

It's not overly done or anything to have a character say that it can't get any worse. And I bet it won't feel overdone next month when Jason Hood says to Roy, "You just had to say it couldn't get any worse, didn't you?"

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39 Rating: No change. This issue was just as poorly done as I expect it to be but at least it's coherent. Kind of. I mean, the whole Blackfire/Starfire exchange was weird. And that part where Rose blows up Red Hood's ship and tries to kill him even though she loves him was odd. And the fact that they all decide to work together didn't make much sense. And a lot of the dialogue was terrible. And the weird about-face Lobdell decided to do with his drug plots was enjoyably amateurish. Although the Helspont reveal on the last page was original and well written! No? Hmm, maybe this wasn't as coherent or as well put together as I'd thought. Oh well!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #38

Yay! We've all been waiting for the return of Crux, xenophobe that turned himself into a xeno!

Maybe I'll like Red Hood and the Outlaws better if I treat it like a sitcom. I'll just pretend that the world resets every month and then when Lobdell changes things from issue to issue to fit his new version of the story, I won't have an aneurysm!

The issue begins with Crux in Arkham Asylum. He's being treated by a man in a wheelchair with his finger glued to his bald head. It looks like he's thinking really hard about how he's going to help his new patient get over his hatred of aliens! He also looks like he might be using his Charles Xavier mental powers that he probably has since Scotty loves repurposing X-men stuff in his DC Comics. The orderlies even call him "Professor!" Like in Professor Charles Xavier! Although this professor has a goatee making him a totally different character. Oh, and he's got brown skin instead of Charles "never been in the sun" hue.

Surprise! The Professor is actually Jason Todd! Crux realized who he was when he smelled Todd's fart.

Crux tells Red Hood that he's going to kill him but Red Hood tells Crux a joke. Then Crux tries to bite Red Hood while Red Hood is holding two guns in his hand. Luckily one of his guns instantly transforms into a knife so he can stab Crux in the tongue! I bet that's one of those new Wayne Enterprises Gun-to-Knife prototypes. Red Hood is almost killed when he nearly lands on a spiked iron fence but Crux saves him because of that thing where the bad guy always wants to torture the good guy for as long as possible before killing him. That always works out well!

Well, I guess that's why he saved him! He loooooooooves him!

Way back in Issue #5 (or something) when the Outlaws defeated Crux, I was sort of worried that he'd join the team because he was an awful character. But now I hope he's going to join the team because he's an awful character and fits right in! It just took me longer to realize that Jason Todd, Roy Harper, and Starfire were all awful characters as well. I was still under the assumption that they were interesting due to their Preboot incarnations. Who knew the New 52 mandate was to make them all so unlikable?!

Crux spent his time in the Asylum changing shape and walking around acting condescending to the other inmates in order to help them get better. Then he'd pretend to be a raving, psychotic dragon during the day so that he could remain in Arkham because he so enjoyed wandering about at night being a condescending, self-righteous asshole to Two-Face and The Mad Hatter and Bane and The Scarecrow. I'm sure he thoroughly helped them all because he was so much smarter than they were. He is, after all, a Scott Lobdell character which means he's the best at whatever he does. I don't know what that is though. Archaeology? Alien physiology? Genetics of some kind?

Crux becomes the new pilot for the Outlaws since they have been using his ship. And then they rush off to rescue Starfire from doing drugs! Too bad they don't find her first!

Now they have to rescue Starfire from her sister! But that's okay since Starfire had already rescued herself from the drugs by placing herself in Chained To A Tree In The Jungle Rehab.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is so much better when I punch myself in the head eighteen times before reading it! I hope Crux stays on the team. I know I flipped out earlier when I thought Crux was going to join the team way back when they first encountered him, but I think the fact that he didn't join was a missed opportunity. This team needs fresh blood in it. And Starfire needs a new person to fuck.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Annual #2

"My name is Santa Claus. I invade homes and shoot Goddamn motherfuckers in the head once per year. I have such rabid fans that they can read a story about me written by Scott Lobdell and delude themselves into believing it was well written."

My stomach hurts just looking at this cover. For a fan of these characters who can somehow see past the horrible writing (and, worst, rationalize it as decent writing), this cover promises an exciting, hilarious Christmas romp. But for me, I just see a series of horribly unfunny jokes made by three of DC's most unlikable characters of The New 52.

Maybe this will be my Christmas Miracle! Maybe Scott Lobdell will finally put some effort into his plot and his characterization and his dialogue! Maybe the whole story won't rely on Narration Boxes telling what the character is thinking about the action and then more Narration Boxes telling me what the character is thinking about the previous Narration Boxes! Maybe it will even be...funny! Please, Baby Jesus, grant this miracle for me! Let me enjoy at least one Scott Lobdell comic book this year!

Holy fuck I'm in Hell.

So right off the bat, we get a Roy Harper as a small child with a boner joke, Deadpoolesque acknowledgement of the Narration Boxes, and outright lies from Starfire! They were on Tamaran this year and Roy Harper's Narration Boxes never stopped! So they do have them on Tamaran! Unless she means Tamaraneans don't Narration Box. But then Starfire has been known to engage in her own Narration Boxing, so she's still lying!

See? Although these Narration Boxes don't have her symbol to prove it's Starfire, you can tell from context it's her, the big cum dumpster!

Currently, The Outlaw Babies are sneaking down the staircase in Wayne Manor to spy on Santa Claus. In the background, Alfred Pennyworth is busy dusting when he should be busy grabbing his shotgun and blowing the shit out of the burglar in the Santa Claus outfit. How do I know it's a burglar, kids? Well duh! Because Santa Claus isn't real..ly that fat! Also, why would Santa Claus deliver crappy elf-made goods to Wayne Manor?! Whatever Bruce has purchased for the kids is going to be way better, bat-shaped, and deadlier than anything Santa's elves could make.

I told you it was too fat to be the real Santa Claus! Because I could totally tell and I wasn't just trying to cover up almost blowing the secret! Shush. You kids don't need to know what secret I'm talking about.

Oh no! It's the Suzie Su zombie Santa Claus against Red Hood and the Outlaw Muppet Babies! I'm laughing so hard right now! Ah ha ha ha!

Jason Todd Baby explains why they call themselves the Outlaws although they never really have because in Issue #37, Roy Harper admits that he's the only one that calls themselves that. But now he's decided they call themselves Outlaws, so I guess they call themselves Outlaws. They do it because they operate outside of the law! I mean, not in the same way Batman does. Or Superman does. Or every other fucking vigilante does. They do it in a cool way that's cool to the kids and makes them all cool and likable and full of angst and cool.

After they kill Suzie Su and scoop out her insides, Batman comes down to put them back to bed.

See? Being cool is important!

So far in the first nine pages, somebody has told somebody else to shut up or be quiet or shush six times! It's like the comic book is reading my mind! I've been screaming at them all to shut up every page! And six out of nine is almost every page! It's only like four or five off.

More proof that I used "cool" the correct amount of times when I described how Red Hood and the Outlaws operate.

Batman punishes the Outlaws by locking them in the Batcave where they can't get up to no good no matter how hard they try. Not like the Batcave is full of Batinternet without Porn Blockers or Teen Titans cartoons running on the monitor or a giant chocolate penny or a dinosaur that loves chocolate pennies or a Batmobile that eats super villains or a couple of gargoyles that look like Statler and Waldorf. Perfect place to ground some bratty brats that think killing an intruder that's trying to kill them is the proper way to act on Christmas Eve.

Red Hood and the Outlaws decide it's up to them to save Christmas! Because the adults are dicks and totally uncool and never actually know what's really going on ever. Especially that stupid Green Arrow one! How dare he use Roy to make all of his weapons and then allow Roy to be his sidekick so that Jason Todd could make that "worst sidekick ever" joke in Red Hood and the Outlaws #1 but then it turns out Roy was never actually his sidekick at all because Roy hated him for stealing his ideas and quit before he could become Green Arrow's sidekick. Although I'm sure part of Roy's hatred for himself stems from the fact that after telling Oliver Queen to go fuck himself, he crawled back to him and fought crime by his side for a few years.

Thanks! But it's the Narration Boxes that usually do all the cluttering, Narration Box!

Instead of being some kind of Egg Nog Nightmare, it looks like the Outlaws are suffering some kind of super villain mind trap that's making them think they're little kids! I hope Kori and Roy didn't get a good look at Alfred dusting while they were inside Wayne Manor or they might start making connections that Batman won't be happy about.

The Outlaw Babies arrive at the North Pole to find it in chaos. A battle has taken place here! Again! Poor Santa Claus! He must hate modern pop culture and its incessant need to declare war on Christmas! I wonder if Lobo was just here? Or was it American Dad and his family? Oh wait! It was probably Suzie Su's gang! Or some other Red Hood enemy. Maybe one with mind control technology! Or a laser ray gun blaster that turns people into little kid versions of themselves.

I'm going to invent that Super Villain! And I'm going to name him Pederast!

Santa's reindeer have become rabid, so the Outlaw Babies put them out of their misery. Next they're probably going to have to battle a muscular elf with dual automatic rifles and a belt full of grenades!

They split up and while Roy gets his nuts cracked, Kori faces off against Mrs. Claus the Gingerbread Woman.

That's too bad because Starfire loves coming.

The actual real enemy is a being called Plytus, a Psion. Plytus used his (or her?) psionic powers to make the Outlaws drink drugged Egg Nog and then forced them on their Santa Claus hunting mission so that Jason Todd would come murder Plytus. I think. Maybe? I haven't read Chapter Four yet but I think this is the chapter where the villain explains the entire plan so the reader doesn't feel confused by the story.

Plytus was banished to Earth's arctic by Helspont because Earth's arctic region is the most foreboding, desolate, inhospitable place in the universe, I guess. Plytus just wanted to die and because it once tortured Starfire, it was able to mentally link with her or something and learn about Jason Todd's love of dealing death or something. So Jason Todd kills it and then threatens Helspont because Jason Todd is a bad-ass that knows a bullet can solve everything.

When Jason Todd points at Helspont in the camera, we get a bit of Old Portugese [sic]! And it's a direct message from Scott Lobdell! Here, finally, we get his real voice! It says, "Please add some interlac-style lettering inside the camera-circle. The JASON TODD only words we recognize RED HOOD and please add". Obviously the note was to the letterer and initially read "The only words we recognize, Jason Todd and Red Hood." But the letterer couldn't keep them in that position without ruining the flow of the text so he spaced them out a bit and then added some more from the beginning of the note. I'd like to thank the letterer, Travis Lanham, for inadvertently (or purposefully!) giving us evidence that Scott Lobdell is a lazy writer! Why not write the dialogue for those of us who translate all of the Old Portugese [sic]?! Instead you leave the dialogue up to the letterer?! Sure, other writers have done that as well and I think it's lazy. Anyway, one final page that everybody should love!

Ignore Blackfire's servile position and extremely huge and barely covered breasts for the moment...I know it's difficult...but how does Helspont know Jason Todd and his friends are referred to as "Outlaws" when Roy admitted last issue that he's the only one that calls them that? I guess we have to take the newest evidence as the real evidence and since Jason Todd described why they call themselves the outlaws this issue, that's the way things are.

Red Hood and the Outlaws Annual #2 Rating: I saw a thing on Twitter the other day that I thought was funny. Molly Manglewood asked "If "manspreading" is assertion of male privilege, what is it when women establish a sprawling nomad encampment of bags across three seats?" Somebody replied that it was called "Feminesting." That's fucking clever! As you may have surmised, I'm don't want to talk about Red Hood and the Outlaws anymore. Maybe just a few more things! I just wish it had been a fever dream brought on by too much Egg Nog instead of a way to bring Helspont back. So does everybody think it's appropriate to bring back the villain that is supposedly the biggest threat to the New 52 DC Universe (well, you have to admit, he was at one time!) and pair him against Red Hood and the Outlaws? And I guess Blackfire is just along for the ride so she can look sexy and subservient? I can't wait!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #36

Yay! I hope all of these fuckers overdose!

Jason Todd injected himself with a used needle containing an unknown drug last issue because he's a motherfucking idiot. Starfire has been fucked up on Space Heroin ever since she decided her friends were controlling assholes. And Roy Harper was burnt to a crisp by Starfire's backblast. The spraying fire everywhere when she flies must be a side effect of the Space Heroin. Unless it's a misinterpretation of her never ending flight hair for flames due to Scott Lobdell's poor reading and writing skills. I suppose, if I wanted to be charitable and not be a complete douchebag, I could interpret the accident in a way that makes sense. Like a side-effect of the Space Heroin. Or maybe Starfire wanting extra lift because she was angry at Roy trying to control her so she blasted the ground (and Roy!) with starbolts as she flew up into the air. But I don't like to be charitable with my interpretations of Scott Lobdell's stories. He has earned nothing from me but hatred and venom. I'm already annoyed that the first page of this comic book is probably going to be wasted with some form of "My name is Jason Todd" bullshit plastered on a boring, full page image that could easily have been done in one panel if Scott Lobdell could be bothered to actually fill twenty pages of comic book with actual story and dialogue.

This page makes me so angry!

Compare this to Batgirl which averaged over nine panels per page last issue. Batgirl is charming and a joy to read and you can tell the writers, Stewart and Fletcher, want to pack as much into each issue as they can. They're overflowing with things to say about the characters and the setting. The artist, Babs Tarr, fills every panel with gorgeous things to look at, colored wonderfully by Maris Wicks. Their enthusiasm for the story gushes messily from the pages and across the eager, expectant face of the reader. And this? This is some asshole kid writing his assignment the night before it's due. This is Scott Lobdell casually slapping the reader across the face with his flaccid penis. While Batgirl has nine panels full of dialogue per page, this first page of Lobdell's book has one panel and a mere six Narration Boxes. Thirty words and one picture for the first page. And Lobdell isn't the only one that isn't trying. Silva and Faucher have drawn an action figure without feet and with maybe five points of articulation.

Anyway, Jason Todd is fucked up on that drug I mentioned earlier. I guess he likes the way it feels as it turns him into a cat. This should be just the initial rush though because even though he was on the drug in Supergirl, he was acting quite normal and even sweet in that appearance.

By the end of the fourth page (six panels total), Jason Todd kills the venom-fueled terrorists easily because he's a better, angrier fighter. The Venom wears off and Jason Todd leaves to find Roy and Kori. The entire time, he's helpfully Narration Boxing so that I don't accidentally interpret the action or his motivations incorrectly. Wouldn't want me not knowing that Roy Harper is practically a "genius in Rockabilly trim." Really? That's his look? Rockabilly? Has anybody ever told that to the artists on this book? Because I've never seen him in cuffed jeans, huge sideburns and a pompadour.

Oh wait! Yeah, yeah. I see the Rockabilly look now.

Jason can't find Starfire and Roy because, as seen above, Starfire has brought Roy to the worst hospital with the most bureaucratic nurses in the country.

"Yeah, hon, you're gonna wanna hurry it up with these forms before yer boyfriend here dies."

Starfire sets fire to the bushes around the hospital so that the nurses will shut the fuck up about procedure and get this horribly burned and probably dying man into the hospital for some emergency care. I guess somebody else will take care of the flames before everybody in the hospital winds up like Roy?

The scene shifts back to the present with Oliver Queen in Roy's hospital room with Jason Todd. And because Jason Todd is a teenaged rebel full of angst and hormones, he tries to pick a fight with Oliver in every panel. Also, Oliver doesn't act much like an adult either because speaking rationally and calmly doesn't lead to conflict and without conflict how do you build character?!

I guess the first order of business in the emergency room was a hair transplant.

I'm not a huge fan of Green Arrow but I hope Oliver kicks Jason Todd's ass. The fucking punk needs to be humbled! But I don't see that happening in a book written by Scott Lobdell. If Jason Todd is to appear weak, it won't be by being beat down by an old man like Green Arrow! It'll be by getting addicted to drugs like a cool, young rock star!

They don't fight because Essence appears and magically heals Arsenal because I guess that's one of the things she does. But he still has to remain in bed for the rest of this story! Or at least this issue. Probably. He might show how stubborn and strong he is by dragging his ass out of bed to demand they go find and help Starfire.

Meanwhile in Poland, Starfire shoots up more Space Heroin because she's just so full of pain from her Space Past. Nobody has known pain like Starfire has known pain! Nobody can understand where she's coming from! It's not like she knows some kid who was killed by a crazed monster and then brought back to life and felt betrayed by the only adult that ever cared for him once he returned. And it's not like she knows some other guy who was known as Speedy for years and years! That's pain you don't just bounce back from.

While Oliver remains at Roy's side, Jason Todd heads off to find Crux because that character wasn't a huge idiot and probably won't want his spaceship back at all. Crux will somehow be able to find Starfire better than anybody else on Earth. Starfire is whacked out on Space Heroin and locked in the back of a truck driven by alien-drug dealers. I'm sure Crux will know immediately that that's where they'll find her! He just knows so much about her!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #36 Rating: Here's how you write a Scott Lobdell interaction between generations of super heroes. The older guy says something condescending. The younger guy snaps back angrily. The older guy points out the younger guy doesn't know anything. The younger guy does a thing that the older guy thought wouldn't work but then it does and the older guy looks stupid. Older guy respects the younger guy. Younger guy still acts like a total and complete asshole.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #35

Now I want a scarf that looks like a snake.

Right at this moment, the trending Twitter tags read like the worst Halloween ever: #TrickorMeat #UnwantedHalloweenTreats #BeenRapedNeverReported.

I wish I enjoyed that Halloween story more than I actually did because I'm about to read the scariest thing I'll read on Halloween today: a Scott Lobdell jam!

Mmm. Scott Lobdell jam.

This issue, Scott Lobdell decided to change things up. He still wastes the first page of twenty with a boring, splash page that probably shouldn't even be called a splash page since it's more like a still life. So that's not different. But he does wait until the second page to Narration Box, "My name is Jason Todd." It also means that he wastes the second page with another non-kinetic splash page where nothing is actually happening. This is the equivalent of changing your spacing and font size on college essays. Now Scott Lobdell only has eighteen pages to write after having thrown away two pages with a few Narration Boxes that should have only lasted half a page.

This is one of the things that is wrong with Lobdell. You can tell he's not writing because he loves writing or else he'd pack in as much story as he possibly could in the meager twenty pages DC Comics gives the creators. Instead, he wastes as much space as possible, padding and extending his scripts with bullshit just to get the job done. He seems to like the idea of being a writer better than actually being a writer and doing the work. And he probably thinks he's pretty good at his job since he made tons of money writing the X-men. I never read that shit although many people promise me that he wrote some really good stuff back then. If he did, he blew his load in the nineties and now he's resting on his nice, soft laurels full of X-men money. But I can't judge him on the stuff he wrote which I never read. His Hardy Boys Adventures might be where he's putting all of his effort but I'll probably never read those because everything I've read in The New 52 with his name on it has been asshole flavored. Plus, it's the Hardy Boys.

The story begins with Roy Harper dying of burn wounds. If he recovers, hopefully he'll have lost his ability to Narration Box.

I bet I won't believe the story! I certainly won't believe that DC published it!

Jason's story about the awesome thing that happened to Scott Lobdell's Roy Harper (that's the version of Roy Harper I hate! He's not totally unlikable on Arrow) begins where Issue #34 left off. Kori had just ditched Roy and Jason because they were controlling her life for her own good. They didn't want her to murder some man she had every reason to murder because they didn't believe she was a murderer. They couldn't see their vision of "their girl" blemished in any way, so they kept her from getting revenge on her former slave master. What a couple of douchebag hypocrites. Jason never would have stopped Roy from killing somebody Roy needed to kill! And Roy never would have stopped Jason from killing someone Jason wanted to kill! But Batman forbid Starfire stains her dainty little hands with vengeance.

The two decide that they need to get rid of the body and thankfully Roy Harper is a super genius that can invent anything that Scott Lobdell needs for his shitty plot to keep moving. So Roy developed an arrow that reads the DNA of a victim and then explodes but only destroys everything with the victim's DNA on it. Including his clothing. But not the grass that had his blood on it.

Why did you talk her out of her kill in the first place? Sexist assholes. Also, it's Twat Lobo. Get it right.

Back on the island, they find Kori as understanding as ever. I guess Space Heroin really chills a sister out.

Back in the hospital and back to the present, Oliver Queen visits Roy.

I don't get it. Where is a place he can't reach? On a high shelf?

Oliver Queen might be threatening to shove Jason's guns up Jason's ass but I don't think so. I can reach pretty far up my ass. I'm pretty sure I could retrieve a gun that was holstered there.

Back to Jason Todd's story before he runs afoul of copyright infringement (you know? Suddenly having the name Assholster when that name already belongs to a member of the Graveyard Faction), the Outlaws begin their search for the terrorist that tried to destroy Washington, DC, which, I'm assured by the editor, happened back in Red Hood and the Outlaws #33. Now I'm angry that I was forced to remember that issue!

Oh, you're not, Starfire. You are not the only one.

Roy Harper isn't quite as Batman-brilliant as Jason Todd seems to think he is if he's equating the hatred of a person for the government of a country with the geography and topography of said country. I'm not exactly sure how "I hate the American government!" and "I live in a swamp!" equates to cognitive dissonance. But then I'm not Batman-brilliant!

When is Roy Harper going to burn up like a jack-o-lantern?!

The Outlaws stumble upon a shack with a basement full of thugs boosted by some contraption full of drugs latched to their ankles. Jason Todd, having no experience with the dangers of muscle boosting drugs (why would he, amirite?!) or their possible horrible side effects, decides to remove a contraption from one thug to place on himself. Um. Is he not worried about sharing needles? I'm not even worried about the side effects from whatever drug he's injecting into his system now! I'm worried that Jason now has AIDS or Hepatitis C!

Kori flies off but not far enough way that Roy can't reach her on foot while running through a swamp. It's like she wanted to get caught shooting up with Space Heroin! Or she wanted to make sure Roy was nearby when she took off like a rocket and burned the ever loving Jesus out of him.

Ha ha! I don't even feel bad for laughing. Fuck Scott Lobdell's Roy Harper!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #35 Rating: No change. Scott Lobdell's overall scripting hasn't been as bad as it was when he was on Superman and Teen Titans. I can see a person of average intelligence quite liking this comic book. Or maybe just somebody that hasn't been reading everything Lobdell has written for the New 52 and thus doesn't feel like they've been shit upon month after month by this man. But the best compliment I can pay this comic book is to not drop it in rankings and say, "It's passable." It would be a fine dollar comic book read to distract a person from their mortality for a few minutes. But that DNA destroying arrow? And the trite characterization of Kori's change in personality because she's on Space Herion? And Green Arrow threatening to hold Jason's guns over his head as Jason ineffectually jumps up trying to snatch them out of Ollie's hands? And Jason Todd taking drug filled needles out of a stranger's leg and putting them in his own? I guess if you don't think about any of that stuff, this comic book is okay. But I can't not stop thinking about all of that idiocy. I wish Ann Nocenti were writing this comic book.

Supergirl #35

Red Hood not written by Scott Lobdell? I can't wait to like him!

Why does Red Hood wear a leather jacket over his costume? Is it that cold in Metropolis? Is he in Antarctica visiting the Fortress of Solitude at its alternate location? Maybe it's not even a leather jacket. Is it made from human flesh? Oh, is human flesh leather? I bet psychos that love to wear other people's skin scare the hell out of their victims before slaughtering them so that the victim pisses themselves. Gets the tanning process started early.

Although I don't know how Jason Todd is going to skin Supergirl unless he has kryptonite infused blades. If he could manage to skin her, her skin would be a sexy bulletproof outfit though.

Hopefully, since this is a Doomed Aftermath issue and last issue was a Doomed issue but had nothing to do with Doomed because it was instead introducing that fuckpuke Michael...hopefully Jason Todd will murder Michael! How dare that asshole kiss my Kara!

Even Twat Lobo doesn't kill dogs! That Jason Todd is a beast! Except I'm sure by "take him out of the equation," he just means locked him in the laundry room.

Michael is wearing a Red Hood t-shirt, so I guess his budding relationship with Supergirl is over now that his real hero has arrived. Nice job, Red Hood! Tear these two apart! Michael is obviously no good for her! Remember how he kissed her without first getting written permission? The nerve of that asshole. He's practically a sex criminal!

KILL HIM! KILL HIM NOW!

Well, you are generally written by Scott Lobdell. So that puts you pretty high up on the creep meter.

Wait, wait! There's a nice bit in the next panel!

Who are on the opposite ends of the spectrum when Batman represents the center? Superman on the most powerful extreme and Aquaman on the least powerful extreme? Oh hey! Batman is normal!

Supergirl grabs Red Hood and flies through a window with him. The hypocrite from Gotham then asks her if she knows how much windows cost. As if Jason Todd isn't intimately familiar with the prices of repairing windows and skylights. Batman's triage plans most likely considers which crimes are happening at the bottom of the most expensive skylights. Then Wayne Enterprises Windows and Skylight Restoration Services rakes in the cash the next day!

Red Hood and Supergirl eventually get to the part of a Heroes Clash in Their First Encounter part of the encounter where they stop seeing each other as enemies and begin to work together. It only takes a couple of pages and the pages had entertaining dialogue, so my head didn't explode from anger at the use of the trope. But then, Tony Bedard has been one of those writers that is able to lift up a mediocre plot (not that I'm saying this one is mediocre! Yet!) by his dialogue. I really enjoyed his run on Blue Beetle and most of that was due to his characterization of whatever that kid's name was. I have mentioned how I suck with names right? At least I didn't make up a racist name for him like Miguel Miguela!

Anyway, Red Hood is in town because alien weapon runners have appeared in New York! He thinks they may be the same ones that Starfire and Superman defeated in a story that really went nowhere but at least allowed for Superman and Starfire to beat up on each other for an incessant number of pages.

Yeah! That Michael is a boring jerko dog molester! I really like this Jason Todd fellow! But it won't last since the next comic book on my stack is Red Hood and the Outlaws by Scott Lobdell.

Supergirl notices Jason Todd is inordinately strong and that he has some green goo running through his bloodstream. Is he on the Mira Kiru?! More likely it's just whatever gross bacterial infection he picked up from bathing in the Ultimate Lazarus Pit in Assassin City.

Red Hood uses some detective techniques that I never saw Fred or Velma use to discover the location where the alien weapons are being kept. Since DC has the rights to Scooby Doo, I think Marvel should make their own Scooby Doo comic book but with Marvel characters. Fred should be The Punisher. Daphne could be Black Widow. Velma could be Aunt May. Shaggy could be Deadpool. And Scooby Doo could be Pizza Dog. Or that dog with the tuning fork on his head. Or Deadpool's penis.

So the next part of the Super Hero Team-up continues when Jason Todd and Supergirl begin battling the alien demon people selling the weapons to Earth gangs.

I thought the same thing when my house was invaded by wasps. Although I couldn't figure out what I had done to enrage them.

Jason Todd and Supergirl defeat the alien threat and then Jason Todd pulls a Batman when Supergirl questions him on his inhuman strength. And by "pulling a Batman," I don't mean he told the woman he loved his secret identity so that she would wind up dead. I meant he slipped away undetected.

NO! Not "Good for you, Supergirl." Shoot him in the head! Shoot him in the fucking head right this instant, Jason Todd!

Supergirl #35 Rating: -500 Rankings. Tony Bedard is the worst Supergirl writer to ever have been conceived by sloppy drunk parents that should have known more about birth control! Here's what Tony Bedard needs to do if he wants better reviews. First, Michael needs to die in a thresher accident. Second, he needs to write into his script some art direction so these artists draw at least one clear picture of Supergirl's bum!