Red Hood Loves Arsenal #3

My kid's party does need a couple of clowns this weekend.

Deep breath. Deeper breath. Repeat mantra: "I will give Red Hood Loves Arsenal every chance to shine. I will give Red Hood Loves Arsenal every chance to shine. I will give Red Hood Loves Arsenal every chance to shine. I will lie my fucking head off to prove that I'm not biased."

Okay! I did my part! Now it's time for you to do your part, Scott Lobdell! Write this one out of the park, big guy!

The issue begins as expected: one full page panel with Red Hood Narration Boxing some not very good jokes to himself. He's one of those guys who has to clarify every thought that goes through his own head just in case he misunderstands himself. It seems he and Roy have decided not to work with Tara Battleworth but to become "freelance vigilantes" which I think is just a stupid way of saying "mercenaries." I would say a "fancy way" but I hate Scott Lobdell's writing.

Well, I kept my bias out of the commentary for a full ten minutes! Of course I was petting the cat and wasn't actually typing anything during those ten minutes. Still, I think it's a record.

"Note to self" jokes are the purview of hack comedy writers and failed stand-up comedians! Using the word "purview" probably means something too! Especially if I used it wrong!

Why does Jason Todd have to tell himself not to ever tell Roy Harper that he trusts him more than anybody he's ever trusted? He really should tell himself to tell him. That would be a nice thing to know and a sweet thing to hear from a friend. It would really make their working relationship better! And since Jason Todd began this comic book thinking about how important it is to know your partner, shouldn't he fucking tell his partner shit like this?! Maybe their special chemistry only works if Roy Harper's low self-esteem forces him to continually try to prove himself to Jason Todd and to win his love. I guess Jason Todd learned a lot more from Bruce Wayne than I realized.

Arsenal has purchased billboards to "Rent-a-bat" with a really hilarious and embarrassing phone number. Well, he is a rockabilly genius! You can never tell what a rockabilly genius is going to do! Also, if I keep calling him a rockabilly genius enough times (in much the way Scott Lobdell does), everybody will have to accept that it's true. Then when they tell their friends about this shitty comic book they read, they'll say, "And this one guy is a total rockabilly and a genius!" And their friend will be all, "Oh yeah?! What makes him rockabilly? His clothes? His hair? His tattoos? His attitude?!" And the dumb guy who paid for Red Hood Loves Arsenal will be all, "No! It's the way he's constantly referred to as rockabilly by the writer! Also he's a genius! And before you ask how I know, it's because the comic book keeps saying he is. And he must be because he invents all these great gadgets like napalm flamethrowers and napalm-proof masturbation lotions!"

After Roy and Jason complete the cold opening mission, they go back to their Los Angeles headquarters from which they hopefully won't be evicted from like last time since they're making money being "freelance vigilantes" now. Jason needs to point out why they're in Los Angeles and it turns out it's because Roy likes sunny places that aren't islands and Jason enjoys "artifice as lifestyle." My, my, Mister Lobdell! Look at how intellectually snide you've become, you East Coast snob! I don't like Los Angeles myself. It's the big neon dumpster grabbing the rest of the country's attention so that when they think "California," they think L.A. Well, it's a big state, you know! Some of it is actually really fucking nice!

Tara Battleworth kicks down their front door pissed off that Arsenal has begun advertising on the web to support their new mercenary business. I mean, their new "freelance vigilante" corporation. I don't know why she cares. She sent them on an audition, she paid them some money, they parted ways. Or did I miss the part where they signed a contract that said if they pass the audition, they become her ass puppets?

Why? Why do they need to be taken care of? Are you going to hire them to stop yourself? That would be a bad idea.

Arsenal is impressed by how many views their ViewTube commercial has received. Hey dumbass! How many phone calls have those views generated?! That's when you start making money! Didn't somebody say this guy was a genius somewhere?

Tara Battleworth decides she can't use Red Hood and Arsenal anymore and storms out of their headquarters. I hope she was in town for other business because DC to LA was a long way to go just to scream at these idiots. So they lost Tara's business? Big deal! Remember how Arsenal put the goofy phone number on the Rent-A-Bat ad? Well it's paying off already because he already received an email from a client! I totally want to make fun of that except I have a phone number for my business that I never answer because it sends me email alerts where I get to play the voice messages. Dammit. Oh well, I'm sure I'll find another way to make fun of these jerks before the comic book is over.

At the end of the last issue, Jay and Roy were in Detroit to meet a decrepit old guy in a seedy looking house. But when they get to Detroit in this issue, they're meeting a middle-aged guy on a park bench. Maybe the old guy in the house will come later! Although the meeting with the old guy took place two days after Roy and Jason got their check from Tara Battleworth, so it seems unlikely that the meeting with this other guy on a park bench is happening earlier than that! That would mean Roy rented the new apartment in Los Angeles and moved all of this shit and advertised for Rent-a-Bat and already got millions of views and blew all of the money in about 24 hours.

There's also a typo in the Detroit scene. Ha ha! Dumb editors! I'm glad I don't hire editors so when somebody points out one of my typos, I can blame it on not having an editor and then nobody is at fault at all! Especially not me in any way!

It turns out they meet the old guy later that evening. So Roy did spend all of their money quicker than you can say some thing that's really easy to say quickly. Something like, "I love to suck dicks!" Did you try to say it quickly? Ha ha! You like to suck dicks! That's funny if you don't actually like to suck dicks. If you do actually like to suck dicks, send me a message!

This is the guy who wanted to hire them. I think maybe he didn't even see the commercial. He's probably been trying to hire himself "The Outlaws" for some time now.

Underbelly kills his assistant and Red Hood unloads his guns into Underbelly. Underbelly just told them that he's paranormal though so he's probably okay. But Jason Todd points out that only bad guys like this will probably be calling them for "freelance vigilante" work because that's just the stupid way of saying mercenary, remember?! I guess they're going to have to go apologize to Tara Battleworth now. They'd better or else why the fuck was she even introduced into this story?

Underbelly recovers long enough to point out that he can't be killed because he's an allegory. You can't kill an allegory! Well, usually you can't kill an allegory. But I bet a rockabilly genius can come up with a way to kill an allegory!

Roy blows him up for now but he'll probably come up with a permanent solution later. Maybe some cuffed jeans and some hair wax along with an arrow that can kill allegories. "An arrow that can kill allegories" is probably all the explanation you'll get and you'll be glad for it because you're already 95% certain that Roy is a genius, so why can't he come up with something cool like that? Anyway, Jason decides Rent-a-Bat is a good idea now because they'll probably get calls from assholes and then Roy and Jay can kill those assholes. I'm sure the "profit" part of the corporation will manifest after every murder somehow.

Although I still think Tara Battleworth needs to get involved because she was super good at bluffing and research and why else would she have been introduced?

The epilogue for this issue/prologue for next issue has Roy and Jason in Gotham battling Commissioner Batman. I bet that'll be cause for a lot of yucks!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #3 Rating: No change. There are writers working at DC Comics who used the extra couple of months during Convergence to plan out some interesting stories when the DC Youniverse got back on its feet. And then there are writers who knew they were going to be writing Red Hood Loves Arsenal (I'm not going to name names) and came up with an idea for a story where Jay and Roy would go legit by working for Tara Battleworth's organization. But then two months into building that story, he decided, for whatever reason, to trash it for the Rent-a-Bat Comedy Hour. I actually think the Rent-a-Bat idea should work well for Lobdell's target audience of fourteen year old boys. I'm just a bit annoyed when writers don't even try to hide their incompetence behind the emerald curtain. Does nobody hold Lobdell to anything he pitches? Or does he even need to pitch anything? I suppose he's just got the Red Hood job for as long as he wants it at this point no matter how much of a mess he's making of the character. Not that the character was really very interesting in the first place. Aside from angry petulant youth who think everybody is against them, who cares about this piece of shit and his asshole friend? People who want to hug and kiss away his crowbar-induced tears?! Fans who look at Batman and see his image replaced by their father's instead?! Kids who just want to fuck his rock hard body until they're too sore to care?! I suppose in a different Youniverse where Jason and Roy were being written by somebody other than Mister Lobdell, I might care for them. Maybe. I doubt it though. I'd rather read an Aqualad comic book. And not the Aqualad from the cartoons! I'm talking Sixties Aqualad!

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #2

It's a fart joke! With mimes! In France! Sublime!

Last issue, Roy Harper and Jason Todd accepted a job with Tara Battleworth. She works for the government or something. She's less a character and more a means to introduce new plots to the comic book. Red Hood and Arsenal can't be seen as anti-heroes anymore. They need to be accepted into the mainstream. But since Red Hood uses guns and guns kill people (or people with guns kill people which is just the douchebaggy way of saying guns kill people), Red Hood needs to be working for the law in order for his killing to be within the acceptable parameters of legalized murder. He's just a soldier and soldiers aren't responsible for the people they kill, right?

Anyway, Jason and Roy are now legit! They're likeable even! I mean, if you love Narration Box after Narration Box of them thinking things to themselves and then clarifying their thoughts to themselves and then explaining the clarifications of their thoughts to themselves. It's super hilarious and really helps the reader get into the mind of the characters. And the pictures are to get into the pants of the characters.

I want to argue about the Batcave not having a shower but I think it's the "steaming hot" that makes his statement true. Obviously Batman only takes cold showers.

Jason Todd uses some seriously lathery crotch cream! Maybe that's his shaving lotion? The entire lower half of his body must be covered in hair.

Roy Harper helps dry Jason Todd off with his napalm flame thrower. It's so cute and fun-loving! These two scamps!

The blurb introducing the characters states that Roy Harper was "laid low by his addiction to alcohol." That's too bad. I liked it better when he had an addiction to heroin. But I think the Reboot softened him up so that he only managed to be an alcoholic and not a trainspotter. Is that what you call somebody addicted to heroin? If not, why was that movie called Trainspotting?! Maybe they mentioned it in the movie but since they were speaking a foreign language most of the time, I must have missed it!

I want to say the comic book is better and more understandable if you ignore the Narration Boxes. But I can't because what the hell are they talking about?! How does Roy go from "teflon body spray" to "practically famous"?

When Jason Todd narrates "Look at this place: he's never going to grow up," I look at the place. It looks like a well-organized garage or workshop. You know who I think of when I see something like that? Adults! Particularly adult men but then I was born in 1971 and women weren't allowed in garages or workshops until around the time Danica Patrick began driving race cars.

The rest of the Narration Boxes just prove that Scott Lobdell doesn't remember anything except the sentence he's currently writing. I believe you let Roy Harper talk you into all of those things because you leave all the decision to Roy Harper, Jason Todd! Duh!

Oh hey! Here's more proof that Lobdell doesn't pay attention to anything he writes! Jason and Roy head over to ask Tara Battleworth for a job (because they don't have it yet! That bit at the end of the first issue was a sneak peek into the future) but she's rescinding her offer.

Oh really? She didn't know they were outlaws in their first encounter?

I guess the Interpol file only had good things to say about them?

Wait wait! It only gets better! Here's the moment she actually offers them a job with her:

She knows they're outlaws! She didn't need to do any more research!

I know Scott Lobdell/Red Hood/Arsenal fans will be able to do the logical contortions to explain away (or just completely ignore) little things like this. Plus I think DC's penchant for "fixing" comic books when they go to trade will take care of some of this as well. I have a feeling Lobdell continues to remain lazy in his writing because it can all be fixed up later in the trades. And these really are nitpicky things because I love to nitpick. But every bit like this builds a case to show how much a writer cares about what he's writing. To me this is just more proof (along with many more examples which can be found in the last few years of my commentaries) that Lobdell doesn't give a shit.

Back to the comic book, Roy mentions how "outlaw" fails to account for any nuance. Well, you're the one who decided to call your little outfit the Outlaws! And, might I add, I'm the one who pointed out that y'all never referred to yourselves as "outlaws" for most of the run of the comic until you suddenly began mentioning how you did call yourself "outlaws" and now it would seem to work better if you'd just kept from calling yourselves that, right? Ah, forget it! I keep trying to not be distracted by these little things and just comment on the story and characters but I can't help it! I have a compulsive need to find inconsistencies in Lobdell's work! So much so that I almost always try too hard in one or two places (like this outlaw thing!) and that always leaves me open to criticism of my criticism on that one stupid point I couldn't help making! But nobody ever goes over every point I bring up because 95% of them are unarguable!

Tara Battleworth offers to give Roy and Jason an audition. But she doesn't know their real names which seems odd since they're in her office without any kind of disguises. I guess she doesn't know you can use the "internet" to find matches of pictures of people? And that's just a tool available to anybody! She's a high powered Washington DC something or other with access to lots of secret technology! Plus she mentions how she must know everything! And after all that, Jason Todd still Narration Boxes, "I can't tell if she's bluffing. Tara Battleworth is that good." Of course she's bluffing! You're in her office out of costume! She knew who you were as soon as her cameras saw you!

Oh wait! I'm forgetting that Roy Harper is a technological genius! I'm sure he's equipped them both with some kind of Spyral face altering techno-doodad.

Now remember, kids: Tara Battleworth is that good! That's truly some of the best organic character building I've ever seen!

Hey! Let's get back to that evicted thing! Remember how they were evicted between the time they got a briefcase full of money and their battle with mimes in France (which they haven't gotten to but it'll be important in a second!)? The first issue ended with Roy and Jason battling mimes on the Eiffel Tower with a caption that said "One Week Later." I guess that means Roy invited Jason to live with him after not having paid rent for a few months. And I guess he forgot about rent after getting that briefcase full of money and spending it on a napalm gun and teflon shower gel. I guess Roy really hasn't grown up at all, has he?

"It's a thing I do for my sobriety! I buy some junk on the street, cook it up, tie myself off, and don't shoot up! Totally normal!"

The "audition" in Paris is a simple flash drive recovery from some diplomat or something. It's so easy that Red Hood and Arsenal decide to beat up a bunch of terrorists and arms dealers while they wait for the diplomat to get off of work. Tara doesn't like it.

No, they don't work for you! Not yet! This is an audition! Maybe your clients should be less concerned with why they haven't done the job yet and more concerned why you sent two untrained, untested, unloyal loose cannons on their job?

One note on the arist, Paolo Pantalena: he's trying too hard to be Kenneth Rocafort. Nobody should try to emulate Kenneth Rocafort. Nobody.

Then there's this scene over dinner in the Eiffel Tower where the Mime Swarm attacks and it makes me think this: Holy fucking shit I hate this comic book.

This comic book is less cute and clever than it thinks it is. It's more like when you start up your lawn mower and you inexplicably turn it on its side and then you get down on your hands and knees and you slowly stick out your tongue and stick it into the blades?

Red Hood and Arsenal defeat the Mimes and the guy controlling the Nanobot Mimes (always nanobots!) with his mind. But two of the mimes are saved from oblivion by Tara Battleworth. I think. I'm sure they'll become evil versions of Red Hood and Arsenal later. In the meantime, I guess Red Hood and Arsenal set up a website where people can hire them? Or maybe they're still accepting jobs from Tara Battleworth? Or...well, whatever the source, they accept a job in Detroit via the Internet. Then they say some more things that aren't funny.

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #2 Rating: -1 Ranking. I really went into this issue hoping I could just read it and comment on the story without picking it apart but that failed. It always fails. It isn't totally my fault! It takes two to fail! I blame Scott Lobdell's writing as much as I blame my horribly cynical need to tear everything apart. But then what did I expect from a comic book that put a fart joke on the cover?

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #1

Oh! The pitter patter of my beating boner!

This comic book might be titled "Red Hood Loves Arsenal" but I highly doubt it's going to satisfy anybody's slash fiction needs. No throbbing cocks will be entering any puckering anuses here. Jason Todd will not be guzzling Roy Harper's cum. Roman face masks will not be seen anywhere. If you're looking for that kind of 21st Century family entertainment, you won't find it written by Scott Lobdell. Although you might find some of it written by me as I write about Scott Lobdell's comic book. So, um, welcome! I'll try to write an erotic felching scene later.

Can felching be erotic?

The issue begins with Roy Harper Narration Boxing which is of greater or equal value to a death knell. Roy Harper thinks he's funny. Which is a shame because he's not funny. That's because Scott Lobdell thinks he's funny. Which is a shame because he's not funny. He's one of those guys who thinks he's being funny when people are just putting up with him and looking at their watches and hoping he has somewhere to be soon. Typing that makes me nervous because I sometimes think I'm funny and I've often seen the way people look at their wrists when I enter the room.

Which is very nearly the way 95% of all super heroes do things. Even Superman is breaking the law every time he flies through Metropolis. Probably. I mean, doesn't he need a license or air clearance or something?

Roy Harper is sitting in a desert in Arizona telling jokes to himself. Or he's telling them to the reader. But he shouldn't be talking to the reader so I'm going to assume he's explaining his own jokes to himself for some reason. It doesn't make any sense but neither does having him talk directly to the reader to explain his jokes.

See? It's funny because it's not funny at all but then he explains it which makes it funny!

Roy continues to talk to himself after which he Narration Boxes to himself. I don't know what the difference is. At one point he Narration Boxes, "When I say 'me' I mean Roy Harper." Does he often have to remind himself who he is?

The title of this issue is "Desert First, Then Dinner! Get It? Because It Takes Place In The Desert!" I very much doubt the title matters. I'm almost certain that Scott Lobdell wrote it without any knowledge of how the story was going to progress but he began it with Roy in a desert so at least it works on the shallowest of levels. And I bet later he has dinner with Tara Battleworth. No way that's a real name.

Why does he have a framed picture of the Outlaws when he's got a cell phone right in the other hand? What kid today views photos in any way except on phones?! The framed picture must be a bomb.

I'm only on the fourth page and I just threw the comic book down and yelled, "FUCK!" Will somebody please stop allowing Scott Lobdell to write young people?! There's only one thing I can't stand more than young people and that's old people trying to act like young people! See the panel above? That "me/not me" bit began the bubbling blood and the throbbing vein on the forehead. But then on the next page, Roy contacts Tara Battleworth to let her know that her covert secret desert meetup between drug dealers and a state senator probably isn't going to end as well as she'd like it to. She only gives him ten seconds to explain himself so he says (choking back vomit while typing this), "#setup. #turnaroundandgetout." Fuck you. I wouldn't have been pleased with it but at least have the letterer type out "Hashtag setup. Hashtag turnaroundandgetout." Also saying "hashtag" in front of everything isn't cute. Trigger Warning: Old Man. Hashtag fuck you all.

Tara hangs up on Roy so Roy goes back to surveillance and talking to himself. He seems really bitter about his past job as Red Hood's sidekick.

Tara Battleworth's deal with some drug runner named Palette (because he's covered in paint, I guess?) goes south which means it's time for Roy Harper to save the day! Or Red Hood because I bet Red Hood is on the other side of the deal telling jokes to himself too.

Roy Harper shoots a bunch of trick arrows into the deal gone bad and references The Name Song which is a totally timely reference I often hear used among the crowd that sorries not sorries and hashtags the brains out of each other. I know Tiny Toons brought it back but even that was over twenty years ago. Although I like that part during the song where Plucky says, "Now do me!" and everybody screams, "NO!"

Can we get back to the cover for second? I don't get why Arsenal's name is written the way it's written! Is the "A" supposed to be a bow shooting a doorstop?

Roy Harper saves the day and lectures everybody while saving it because they're stupid adults who don't know anything. He's a genius (although he's not written by one so it's really fucking hard to tell sometimes)!

Oh! Oh! I know where Red Hood is now! It was this page that gave it away!

He's disguised as Nick Lachey! I mean the senator!

One and a half pages of story and half a page of Twix ads later, the Senator sits up double fisting some pistols and blowing the poorly mixed paint out of Palette. I allowed myself to be so distracted by my hatred and anger that I almost forgot Red Hood always turns up in disguise!

It was so awesome! Red Hood as an old man was all, "BLAM BLAM BLAM EAT LEAD MOTHERFUCKER!" And Roy Harper was all, "Whoa! Cool!" And Palette was all, "I'VE BEEN BESTED BY THE TWO GREATEST HEROES IN THE WORLD!" So fucking cool!

Get! Get out of here! Fucking thirteen year old sat down and began typing on my computer while I was straining to pee! Hashtag Old Man Problems.

Jason Todd tells Roy Harper that they're working together again and Roy Harper accepts the sidekick position once again. They also get a job offer from Ms. Battleworth. That way they can not be outlaws anymore and the other adult super heroes will have to accept them!

Also they take the job! Spoiler alert! Is that what the kids say?

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #1 Rating: I suppose if I had the meager mental capacity of a thirteen year old boy, this would be a fucking awesome comic book! But I'm not so I didn't have any fun reading it. Plus I forgot to write the felching scene. I hope nobody is disappointed.

Convergence: Wonder Woman #2

Aha! Now I finally see why vampires are so romantic!

Last issue ended with good old Etta Candy having the blood sucked out of her neck by Vampire Joker. My half-heartedly educated guess (the guess isn't half-hearted; the education is) is that this will be the only "Vampire Clown" story of the 21st Century. That seems more like something that tried to take hold in the Eighties with It and Killer Klowns From Outer Space. Maybe this century we'll get Werewolf Clowns or Mummy Clowns but I'm truly hoping that vampires are nearing their run of popularity. Somebody get Liches trending! Maybe in Pitch Perfect III, Fat Amy can be killed in a really hilarious moment that makes the audience laugh because, hey look! Amy is fat! Ha ha. Then Pitch Perfect IV's movie posters, when Fat Amy returns from the dead, can read, "The Lich is back!" Although I've never seen a fat lich so I don't know where the writers are going to find the humor in the fourth movie.

Remember the days when every fat character in every movie or television show had to be eating something in every scene they were in? Ha ha! Because they were fat! I've been rewatching Leave It To Beaver lately (I seem to do this every few years because it is awesome) and I've noticed in the first season, Larry Mondello is not really that fat. He's kind of the stocky kid that might become fat or could just as easily lose the fat as he gets older. But they have to have him with an apple or a candy bar in his hand in every scene he's in. I think that's the reason he became so much fatter in later seasons. Plus as a young kid, he probably thought his entire worth to the show was that he was fat, so he had to keep it up. Fucking directors made him fat by insisting that the entirety of his character was that he couldn't not eat. Fat people! Can you believe they actually eat food?! Ha ha! Control yourselves already!

I'm kind of like a fat person except instead of not being able to not eat, I'm not able to not write lots and lots of words! My whole premise for this commentary (mostly shtick just to make the commentary easier) was to just make every sentence one or two words. It would be like the notes of the commentary I was going to write. But I couldn't help writing that caption and then talking about vampires and then repeating myself about the way Hollywood treats fat characters which I've written about before but why not repeat material because I can't think up new shit to write about when I'm on nearly my 2401 DC comic book reviews and 17 Marvel comic book reviews and 1 review of an old Shade the Changing Man comic book. That's a lot of talking out of my ass. I think it might be unsustainable and I've reached Peak Ass Words! The whole system is on the verge of collapse! Which is why I was going to try to conserve some but like the old people in a drought who just can't let the fucking lawn go, I failed.

This issue is called "A Fellow of Infinite Jest" because The Joker is an immortal vampire and he loves to pull pranks. Also it's probably trying to sound literary by tying it to that old English Writer who was always one of the answers when I asked my Lit Profs, "If you could have dinner with anybody living or dead, who would you choose?" Last issue Larry Hama made his story more literary by tying it to that blind poet who was always one of the answers when I asked my Lit Profs, "If you could blow anybody living or dead, who would you choose?"

Idiot! You missed the obvious candy joke!

The Joker spends the next three pages not being funny at all. I guess he's making himself laugh though. And what's more important than making oneself laugh? It's all I spend time doing when I'm not eating or standing around with food in my hand or stalking publishers or talking to fish. Have you ever tried to tell a knock knock joke to a fish? They just don't get the premise at all!

Wonder Woman tells The Joker that he isn't funny and then breaks his neck. She's a harsher critic than I am. Then instead of finishing him off which would probably only take another second, she rushes off to save Steve Trevor. Ugh. He's such a princess.

Meanwhile Steve is busy shooting female vampires in the face and calling them sluts. He's such an old school romantic. His ministrations of love attract Poison Ivy and Were-Catwoman who begin trying to sell Steve on their succulent womanly treats. But this Steve Trevor is a man of the eighties! He's a one woman man who doesn't count his secretary and paid escorts as cheating. Also he's probably a bit nervous about having sex with vampires because they're constantly coming into contact with blood and Steve has been hearing an awful lot lately about this thing called AIDS.

Good thing Wonder Woman comes to the rescue!

Holy Cat Boobs, Batman!

Wonder Woman doesn't kill Poison Ivy or Catwoman immediately so they believe she's weak because she won't kill. Wonder Woman seems to confirm that she was trying not to kill them by saying, "That's it, then. No more holding back." But didn't she threaten to end The Joker the way the Batman couldn't? Was Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman also known for not killing, not even monsters like she probably encountered her whole life on Paradise Island? There were monsters there, right? If it has ties to Ancient Greece, it has monsters!

But now that the vampires have taunted her and have explained that they don't fear death, Wonder Woman decides it's okay to kill them all. I didn't realize it was okay to kill somebody who doesn't fear death! I have a new question to ask when interviewing prospective employees for my new business venture, Don't Worry This Is A Real Job And Not A Front For My Human Hunting Hobby, LLC.

You can't even not shit yourself, Steve! Stop acting so macho and ask for help!

Meanwhile The Joker and Etta have a good laugh about The Joker's broken neck. Good times.

Steve Trevor takes care of himself so well that he once again falls into the clutches of Poison Ivy and Catwoman. They bring him to The Joker who gives them permission to eat him. Wonder Woman might have a chance to save him but she's busy crying over spilt vampire everything. But she hallucinates Athena who tells her it was okay to murder these monsters in the same way I hallucinate my grandmother whenever I need to convince myself that I'm not going to hell for masturbating. That never actually helps.

Wonder Woman, having come to terms with killing, destroys Poison Ivy and Catwoman. But not soon enough. Steve Trevor has been turned and now she must destroy him as well to get to The Joker. She'll also have to kill Etta Candy but I have a feeling she'll relish that.

But first the earthquake needs to happen which opens up a chasm between Wonder Woman and her foes. The Joker commands them to jump across and kill her but Steve breaks from his thrall and tackles Etta into the pit while yelling back at Wonder Woman, "I regret nothing! Except maybe that time I told you I could fend for myself!"

Wonder Woman can't save him because she has to battle The Joker now. She knocks him in the pit but he comes back and then she stakes him and then she wins! She also has some thoughts during the battle.

No, they just forget the story because it makes no sense. What was hope doing in a box full of the world's evils? Did the person putting the package together decide that hope was no longer needed when the world had no evil to deal with? And did hope come out of the box or did Pandora shut the box with hope still left in it? And in that version of the story, is that a bad thing? Did hope not get restored to the world or did man retain hope? Why didn't somebody put a fucking lock on the box if they didn't want some curious asshole coming by and letting everything out? It's a dumb story and I'm going to go back to forgetting it right now.

To end the story, Wonder Woman quotes the Duke of Wellington for some reason. I guess Larry Hama loves to quote shit. Just look at his stupid titles for this Convergence thing!

Convergence: Wonder Woman #2 Rating: 7.5 Perky Were-Cat Boobs out of 10. If you hate when comic book companies kill characters, then you should probably subtract five points from my rating because this story is really just about killing Etta Candy and Steve Trevor. I guess Pre-Crisis Wonder Woman isn't allowed to have any friends or lovers anymore. Get with the Modern Age, Diana! You have to be lonely and unfulfilled! Every hero must now be Batman because look at how many comic books he sells. Being completely consumed by your superhero identity and crime fighting lifestyle sells books, kids! Unless it's some other reason why people like Batman. Like the cape.

Divergence: Secret Six
"Six outcasts (or seven, if you count the murderous puppet) are thrown together and forced to carry out deadly missions by an anonymous force that hates their guts. They'll have to learn how to become a team pretty quickly, as survival is not guaranteed!"

The anonymous force is Mockingbird! The murderous puppet counts! Survival is, I'm pretty sure, guaranteed for a good majority of them!

I forgot this comic book even existed! I hope this issue reminds me of the characters and what was going on so I'll be up-to-date for when Issue #3 comes out in six months!

This story is about a museum security guard who gets caught up in a heist and a mass murder and the international ethics of stolen antiquities. The Secret Six have been called in to help protect The Eternity Gem while some other group has been hired to steal it. The other group fails. The end!

The Sneak Peek showcases Catman and Big Shot and Black Alice and Strix's battle techniques. It also highlights Ferdie's power of turning everything into a euphemism for sex and his tiny wooden wiener. Porcelain just wears a pink jacket and half a mask and hits a guy in the head with a hammer in one panel. This story was mostly just a reminder to everybody that this comic book hasn't been canceled!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #40

This issue had better not end with a "To be continued in the stupid annual!"

Good riddance, losers! This is the part where the boring assholes sing "Hey hey hey! Goodbye!" And then they high-five each other in celebration of doing the most trite and boring thing they could have done out of all things in the entire world! And this is me doing the same thing but pretending it's being done by a couple of fictional dickspasms!

The issue begins with Helspont sneaking up on Red Hood and the Outlaws because Roy said, "It can't get any worse!" So unless Scott Lobdell forgets he ended last issue with that line, somebody is going to berate Roy for his choice of words.

Hmm, I guess Lobdell forgot to finish his joke. But that's no surprise! He often forgets how he ended his scripts the month before. Reading trade paperbacks of his stories must be nearly incomprehensible.

Anyway, the Outlaws defeat Helspont in four pages or something.

I hope the rest of the comic book is just advertisements for army men, sea monkeys, and Grit.

Darn it. They didn't really defeat Helspont that easily. Shucks! He comes back at them with a counterattack while proving that English is just his second language.

Perhaps "presume" is the word you're looking for?

Rose Wilson throws two swords into Helspont's chest and everybody is shocked when they barely faze him. I mean, it's understandable that he survived gun shots and the explosive arrow to the chest and Starfire's sun bolts. But swords? Come on! This is one tough son of a bitch!

Blackfire shows up and is all, "Surprise to nobody! I'm with Helspont! Tee hee!" Rose Wilson is all, "I see you're the prudish sister, Starfire!" And Starfire is all, "Take that back! I guzzle cum way better than Blackfire!" And Roy is all, "Totally!" And Starfire is all, "How do you know how much cum my sister can guzzle?!" And Roy is all, "Whoops!"

"Tee hee! Your general is in blow job position, sir!"

Helspont's army of Citadel warriors take control of the situation. Too bad they've been written to have a single, fatal flaw! Crux, having researched every alien in the universe somehow while living on Earth, knows that every soldier of the Citadel's brain is wired directly to their armor which is wired directly to every other piece of armor which are all wired directly to a three meter hole big enough to bullseye a womp rat! Whew! I was afraid Scott Lobdell was going to create an unbeatable army!

Blackfire actually loves Starfire so she blasts Helspont in his junk instead of killing her sister's friends. The Citadel soldiers stand around thinking, "Should we do something or just wait around for Crux to shut us down?" Blackfire gets thrown hundreds of miles away by Helspont as he nurses his blasted testicles which might now be oozing pus and madness. Then Jason Todd shoots the kneecaps out of the one Citadel soldier standing nearby so that Crux can play Angry Birds while sitting on top of him. Todd grabs the big gun of the Citadel soldier and starts blasting Helspont in the face with it. Helspont falls over thinking, "What the fuck happened to me? I used to be a powerful bad ass! But now I keep getting beat by arrogant bastards who hide behind guns and red masks! Fuck you Grifter and Red Hood! I will have my revenge!"

In the space of just two minutes, Rose Wilson has racked up one-third of the kills her father has scored in his entire life (according to his own comic book (but prior to his killing three hundred of Odysseus's blind henchmen)!).

Arsenal manages to kill one soldier. I guess that's pretty good for a guy with a bow. Plus, he must have been busy building the monstrous spider gun he uses to blow the ultimate omnifuck out of Helspont. All that's left of Helspont is his arm so I'm going to say he's really and truly dead now. No way he can ever come back from that. Nope! As dead as a door nail named Ted Kord!

Although Ted Kord is really and truly back in Justice League 3000 so I guess I can't use that comparison anymore.

After the battle, Starfire heads home to Tamawhatever with Crux piloting the ship and her sister trying not to die in sick bay. Arsenal is all, "Well, it was fun!" And Starfire is all, "Yeah! We'll probably never see each other again because Scott Lobdell is still going to be writing your comic book and DC Comics probably knows better than to let him write me ever again!" And Roy is all, "I know, right?!" And Jason Todd is all, "We were OUTLAWS!" And everybody is all, "What the fuck does that mean?"

The end!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #40 Rating: No change. Hey hey hey! Goodbye! *HIGH-FIVES EVERYBODY!*

Constantine #23

The whole reflection on the tumbler part of the cover looks like it's straight out of Cerebus.

John Constantine doesn't know how to make friends. I get that. I don't know how to make friends either. The main problem is that friends expect you to actually go out in public and engage in fun activities. Or if you live a long distance from each other, they appreciate long telephone conversations where you update each other on everything that's happened in your lives since last you spoke. But when I'm out in public, I just think about the things I could be doing at home. And I can't stand speaking on the phone because my life isn't a roller coaster providing me with exciting ups and downs week after week. It's probably why when I call my mom, we spend most of the time talking about television shows and/or our pets.

Recently at my sister-in-common-law's husband's birthday dinner, the Non-Certified Spouse's step-brother (Jesus Christ, do we need familial names for everything? I may as well just say "a stranger") asked me what was new. What am I supposed to say? "Since last we spoke, I probably wrote about 100,000 words on various subjects that you don't give a shit about. But writing isn't an interesting experiential story, so from your point of view, I simply sat inside and did nothing." Instead I just said, "Nothing." His response was "Really? I've been so busy." And by "busy," I'm sure he means "enjoying and experiencing life to the ultimate maximum fullest!" I'm sure when I was his age (early twenties), I could respond to his question with many trials and tribulations which would bring him great joy to hear. I suppose if my writing were bringing in some kind of money, or if I packaged it into a socially acceptable manner such as a book they could hold, they'd view what I'm doing as somehow more important than just sitting in a dark room wasting my life. And why should anybody else care how I was consuming my years? If you judge it by your own standards, of course it's going to look like I'm doing the opposite of carpe dictum! "Dudebro! How can you not be out in nature drinking until you puke and smoking ganja! Grab life by the horny girls, man! Scream and yell in public places to show you're having a great time! Try to fuck as many people as possible!" Bah! Get off my lawn!

Maybe I can make friends if I start slowly like Constantine and make enemies first. And I probably shouldn't get my friends killed once I make them. But that's more John's problem than mine.

Ha ha! That's funny because it's the last issue!

Twenty minutes before this panel takes place, page two happened. That's where the huge hand of Darkseid followed Constantine and his pretend family through the portal he created. Also his portal opened in orbit around the Earth because I guess John didn't sacrifice enough friends to provide his spell any accuracy. So now if the giant hand doesn't squash them, or Constantine doesn't kill them with some off the cuff demon summoning, they'll probably suffocate in space.

Except I guess they don't because here they are in a field in England! And now Constantine has to endure the anger of his father. Again! It's tragic because he found a loving version of his father and now even that version hates him. I think it's time for John to look deep inside himself and ask, "Was my real father a dick or was it all my fault?"

As Constantine's Twofer father prepares to put a bullet in John's brain, John remembers how they arrived in this field. Constantine cast a spell to deceive Darkseid and make him think that the universe they escaped to was one that Darkseid had already destroyed. He could have also just shown him a picture of this Earth's Batman and Darkseid would have gone back to the Earth-2 Universe with soiled underwear.

The problem I have with this moment is that I don't feel it means anything. Has Constantine really been brought to a moment of world weary despair? Or is he just, once again, manipulating a situation to achieve the only goal he has ever shown he truly fucking cares about: his continued survival. I know I'm about as cynical as you can get though so it may read differently for more naive gullible credulous emotionally unstable empathetic readers.

Constantine's Twofer father can't pull the trigger so Twofer Maureen takes the gun and tries to put him down. But Constantine utters the magic letter and disappears because why should he ever die when he has the magics!? Ridiculous! Let the other people die! The ones with pockets full of no magic! They should have thought twice before not believing in magic and then dying because they didn't have magic to save them at the cost of somebody else's life. Idiots!

Twofer Chas points out that, you know, they are alive because of that jerk, you know? And at least that's better than not being alive. I mean, if your problem with being saved is that other people weren't saved and you don't know how to live with survivor's guilt, you don't have to be angry at the person who saved you while you take advantage of the gift that person gave you. You can always just kill yourself and set that wrong to right! Do whatever you want! It's no bullet out of my clip.

And then out of all the stuff that just bounces off the unemotional Kevlar of my hide, the last scene almost makes me cry. But then I think about how my father would probably backhand me and scream "Real men don't cry, you pussy baby!" and I pull myself together and do thirty push-ups while looking at raunchy heterosexual pornography while muttering, "Don't cry. Don't you cry, you baby! Crying is for dolls that you put water into and then push a button so they cry real tears and then you scream at them and say, 'I'll give you something to cry about!'"

This is the page that caused all the drama. Or trauma.

Constantine #23 Rating: +1 Ranking. One of the things I've always loved about John Constantine is the way he pisses on the idea of living nobly. Most of us, in our entire lifetime, will never have to make a decision between continuing to live at the expense of another person's life. And I don't mean making unethical business decisions where you gain something at the expense of others. I mean where you trade your own literal life for the literal life of another person. People talk about love and taking a bullet for another person because it's easy to believe those words. It's easy to want to think of yourself as a person who would sacrifice for the good of another even at the cost of your own life. And sometimes it happens but, if I had to guess, that's usually instinctive and at the spur of the moment and never once does the thought, "I'm going to die right now to save somebody," go through a person's mind. Give the person time to think about that decision and let's see what happens. Give them a week to decide to trade their life for somebody else's. Let rationalization take hold and you'll get quite a different result. We rationalize everything in our lives so that we seem to live an ethical, noble life. But isn't it funny how the way we live is exactly the way that fulfills most of our selfish desires? And you don't think making the decision to stay alive would be different somehow? It's the most important thing! And Constantine knows it and he shows it in every action he takes. Which is why I think this was a beautiful ending with Constantine toasting to life. What else is there?

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39

How does Starfire's top even work? How does it stay in place? Super glue?

I don't really get Writer's Block so much as Turning Whatever Word or Phrase Pops Into My Head Into A Version of The Spider-Man Cartoon Theme Song Block. So I'll begin a commentary and just start typing something "Writer's Block! Writer's Block! Does whatever a Writer's Block does! Turns your stories into shite then makes you write about what to write! Look out! Here comes the Writer's Block!" Since I wanted to be Spider-Man back when I was a little tyke, I'm willing to guess about fifteen percent of my life has been me turning things into the Spider-man song. Possibly the only time I've ever felt a connection to Homer Simpson was when he sang the Spider-Pig song. Aside from his desire to fuck doughnuts, of course.

If you've been reading my commentaries for some length of time (masochists!), you'll have encountered a few of my versions of the theme song. Mostly I'm able to keep them bottled up. Nobody wants to read a new version of the Spider-Man cartoon theme song two or three times a day.

It's also difficult to say you have Writer's Block when you're just typing up snarky comments about the comic book you're currently reading. I definitely run the gamut concerning my desire to be writing about a comic book. So sometimes you'll get a half-assed synopsis of Batman and Superman's trip to Kandor because I'd rather be playing Magic the Gathering on the Xbox while other times you'll get a lovingly worded and fondly written Batgirl diary entry crafted across two to three hours. Sometimes the reviews are a labor and sometimes they're a labor of love. Sometimes I just need to get another comic book off the stack, and other times I'm thoroughly invested in the story and excited by the characters.

Mostly though, I'm just avoiding thinking about death.

Believe it or not, that last sentence was a joke! I like to keep the mood of my commentaries light and whimsical with just a hint of rotting in the grave!

Oh shit! I distracted myself so well with the previous Spider-Man bit that I forgot I was about to read a Scott Lobdell comic book until I picked it up and opened it to this:

Not quite Lobdelled in my traditional definition of "Lobdelling a comic book," but close enough for my tastes.

I wonder if Jason Todd knows that Batman once had to wage the same battle against Venom? Way back before Bane was even a sperm clot in Chuck Dixon and Doug Moench's throats. Apparently that story was by Denny O'Neil (the creator of Venom (the drug, not the alien symbiote!)). I guess Replacement Batman's use of Venom over in World's End is a callback to that story. Although it hadn't occurred to me before this because Replacement Batman had been using Miraclo in Earth-2 and only switched over to Venom while in World's End. I guess because Val-el or Power Girl or The Huntress or somebody destroyed his supply of Miraclo because it was an addictive drug. But then nobody seemed to give a shit when he upped his prescription to Venom.

Now Jason Todd had to struggle with using Venom because why wouldn't he use a drug to enhance his normal capabilities? I mean, he's a teenager, right? And Scott Lobdell knows all about the lives of teenagers! That's why Red Hood, Arsenal, and Starfire's lives are filled with relationship drama and battles against illicit substances and bitter resentment towards adults.

Also, teenagers love to parody misquotes from movies nearly seventy years old.

Granted, that near quote of the line from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre has just become one of those quotes that has a full and vibrant life outside of its original source. So I'm sure if you ask Roy where the quote is from, he'll say he heard it from some modern movie or television show.

Fun Fact: I never knew where the abridged version of the quote was from until just now when I asked Lord Google about the quote so I could find a list of modern movies and television shows where it's appeared. Princess Wikipedia states that the more popular, shortened version of the line comes from The Monkees. So when I was a kid watching that show in syndication (I can still hear Mickey Dolenz saying it!), I may have learned the line from there and, like Roy here, gone around quoting it without realizing it was from a thirty plus year old movie. So I guess teenagers do love to parody quotes from ancient sources! They just probably think that the quote comes from whatever source they heard it from first and then argue with anybody who tells them differently. I know I would have!

Princess Wikipedia also has this to say about the line: "In a 1983 episode of TV series Wizards and Warriors, the character Marko (played by Walter Olkewicz) delivers a spoof of the line as 'Badgers? We don't need no stinkin' badgers'." I loved that show as a swords and sorcery, Dungeons and Dragons, mythology obsessed twelve year old! I know, I was totally not like any other twelve year old, right?! Princess Wikipedia says she needs a citation for that quote. I should get her the citation since I have that series burned to DVD! I'll find the scene where Jacques Renault says it! But later. I'm busy reading another fantastic Scott Lobdell comic book right now.

What does that mean?! Is that a compliment? "I don't need an illicit substance that will eventually consume my every waking thought and send my life spiraling out of control. I've got you!"

Meanwhile in the jungle, Blackfire and Starfire have a normal sisterly interaction.

Blackfire: "I'm so glad I traveled across the universe and found you tied to a tree so I can kill you!"
Starfire: "What? No! Don't!"
Blackfire: "I am so excited to get to kill you after whatever it is you did recently to make me mad at you again even though I thought we were getting along and shit."
Starfire: "Why am I not dead yet?"
Blackfire: "God, if I wasn't able to kill you myself, I don't know what I'd do! It's like the only thing that's been keeping me going for like the last ten hours or something."
Starfire: "Um, you don't really want to kill me, do you?"
Blackfire: "I'm just savoring the moment! It's not like you're going to be rescued way out here in the middle of this jungle! I have time to enjoy the arousal brought on by a job well done nearly completed!"
Starfire: "Um, hey, weren't you busy being a Queen or something?"
Blackfire: "Oh yeah! That's a long story that I probably have time to tell and then still kill you after! Let me tell it to you!"
Starfire: "What's that sound?"
Blackfire: "Oh! Get down even lower than you already are lying on the ground in chains! It is a patrol of Citadel monsters that I am running from and why I have come to get help from you!"
Starfire: "Wait. What? Is fucking Helspont behind the way you're acting?"

I guess Blackfire has to keep up the appearance that she wants Starfire dead because she's being observed by Helspont but his ability to observe her only works occasionally which allows Blackfire to tell Starfire why she really sought her out after claiming to want to kill her? Or Scott Lobdell is doing that thing where one comic book ends one way and then he begins the next one another way because he either can't remember where he meant for the story to go or he just thought up a new plot point that works better than the vague, bullshit he'd been planning earlier?

Manufactured indignation! Faux outrage! Increased drama! Characterization!

Immediately after this, Crux's ship is hit by a missile and blows up. I guess the monkeys in this jungle have some serious feces throwing technology. Crux manages to pull Roy Harper from the explosion but not Red Hood, so I guess he's dead. Crux also gets shot while flying Roy to safety, so I guess he's dead too.

If you're one of those people who refuse to look at the cover of their comic books to avoid spoilers, you'd be surprised to find that Rose Wilson is the one behind the attack. She's trying to kill the Red Hood which completely explains why she's in this jungle waiting for him.

Jason Todd and Rose Wilson's initial conversation goes like this:

Jason Todd: "Hey, Rose. Love that mask."
Rose Wilson: "Yeah. I'd considered a heart tattoo that said 'Jason' with an axe hacking it in two."

I know I usually make up those dialogues but that was the actual dialogue this time. It was split up across two pages so scanning it was a problem. But it's such a horrible interaction that I thought it needed to be documented here in this Anti-Lobdell safe-zone. So Rose's response to her mask is to tell Jason that he broke her heart and that she figured a mask was better than a horrible face tattoo. I suppose that's what passes for snarky, hilarious banter in a Scott Lobdell comic book. Also, Rose and Jason were an item?

Whether it's Superboy and Wonder Girl, Cheshire and Arsenal, or Rose Wilson and Jason Todd, apparently Scott Lobdell is incapable of writing a fight scene between a male and a female without making them flirt awkwardly. "Oh! Oh! I want to kill you! Or fuck you!" "Eww, you make me so angry! But you're so cute!" "It's too bad I have to cut your dick off instead of putting it inside of me!"

Meanwhile, Blackfire takes off some of her clothes which seems almost impossible for her to still be wearing anything after stating she took off some clothes. I guess she needed to compete with her sister's male gaze. Half of the ink now being used on the Starfire/Blackfire scenes is orange and is being used on boobies.

Starfire and Blackfire bond and not a word is said about how Blackfire threatened to kill her. I guess that was just the kind of hyperbole a sister uses when she finds her sibling tied to a tree in a jungle whacked out on Space Crank. Blackfire tells Starfire to take it easy while she heads out to run an errand.

"Just let me put even less clothing on than I'm currently wearing first. Be back in a jiff!"

Double meanwhile, Rose Wilson joins up with Red Hood, Arsenal, and Crux for some reason. It's not like she just tried to murder them and then hunted around the wreckage hoping to find gory evidence of that murder or anything. She was just teasing! Also, her job wasn't to kill Jason Todd as we saw in a previous panel. They're just a distraction. Her real job must involve killing Tamaraneans! Or Citadelians? Or monkeys?

Turns out Rose is definitely hunting Starfire (again, only a surprise to the people that got the Harley Quinn variant cover) because Starfire has made a lot of enemies buying drugs from them recently.

Wrong. Your conversation about how long the fight would last was three seconds. I hate to side with Jason Todd but you're wrong, Roy Harper. Although I do love to side against Roy Harper!

I know for an artist it's always more visibly stimulating to have two antagonists rush each other with fists cocked. But Rose has a sword which she's deadly with so why didn't she pull it out? And Starfire shoots bolts of energy so why didn't she just remain hovering out of Rose's reach while burning her face off? I think these two women just wanted to touch. And they probably did it for the males watching!

Much quicker than usual, everybody realizes they're basically on the same side and nobody is using drugs anymore. That's because the trend at DC Comics is for happy and whimsical with less grim and gritty angst. Now instead of everybody battling their inner demons, it's time to battle the outer demons congregating in the jungle making Space Crank! I wonder if Blackfire is behind it all, the traitorous wench!

Oh yeah. And Helspont. Blackfire and Helspont are behind it all!

It's not overly done or anything to have a character say that it can't get any worse. And I bet it won't feel overdone next month when Jason Hood says to Roy, "You just had to say it couldn't get any worse, didn't you?"

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39 Rating: No change. This issue was just as poorly done as I expect it to be but at least it's coherent. Kind of. I mean, the whole Blackfire/Starfire exchange was weird. And that part where Rose blows up Red Hood's ship and tries to kill him even though she loves him was odd. And the fact that they all decide to work together didn't make much sense. And a lot of the dialogue was terrible. And the weird about-face Lobdell decided to do with his drug plots was enjoyably amateurish. Although the Helspont reveal on the last page was original and well written! No? Hmm, maybe this wasn't as coherent or as well put together as I'd thought. Oh well!

Constantine #22

Constantine's "birth date" must just be a reference to his first actual appearance in Swamp Thing.

I can see DC Comics wanting Constantine to be about twenty-nine. It makes sense since they don't want fucking old people in their comic books anymore. I think Batman being about thirty-two is really pushing the limits of age acceptability. But it makes no sense for John to have been born in 1985 if he hung around CBGBs and the punk scene in New York. I suppose the stories about Constantine and Nick Necro could have taken place in a post-punk hardcore punk punk pop punk punk new punk rock-a-punk junk punk scene of the mid-naughts. You remember that scene, right? That was a pretty wild scene. Right? Wasn't it a scene? Did I get the name wrong? Can we at least pretend it was a scene so we can hear people say, "Dude, I was there! Right smack fucking dab in the middle of the post-punk hardcore punk punk pop punk new punk rock-a-punk junk punk explosion, man!"

Last issue, John Constantine killed Earth-2 John Constantine because that's the closest he'll ever be able to come to killing himself. Except for that time he killed himself when he had lung cancer but that doesn't really count because he knew the bureaucracy and red tape to recover his soul would be so confusing that nobody would allow him to die. So that was less a suicide attempt and more just being a Smart Alec.

Constantine also opened a gate between Earth-2 and Earth-Main-Earth so he could finally return home after his relatively boring trip into the past. He was hoping to take along his lost family and friends but after murdering their John right in front of them, he's kind of lost them as well. But Doctor Cocoa Puffs is still trying to hitch his oxen to the wagon that he's hoping to hitch to Constantine's star because he wants to stop being Doctor Cocoa Puffs and once again become good old normal Doctor Fate. But I'll only ever call him that when he resides on Earth-Main-Earth! So he'd better come up with a spell that allows him to follow John! This story probably takes place after Doctor Cocoa Puff's trip to Apokolips where Khalid and Nabu become best friends and easy lovers.

Making friends the John Constantine way!

Constantine doesn't want these people thinking he's the worst liar and murderer to ever exist, so he takes them on a site seeing tour of Heaven where God is shutting up the Pearly Gates and leaving the universe because He's afraid of Darkseid. So Constantine's argument is what? "I may have just killed their best friend but look at God! What a Dick, right?!" Why would they even believe what they're seeing is real? He's shown he can do great feats of magic and he's shown that he's a great big bloody lying bastard! Do those make for a trustworthy tour guide?

Doctor Cocoa Puffs continues to hamper Constantine's escape attempt. He can apparently shoot Ankh-shaped fish hooks into the portal that John opened but he can't follow himself unless John allows it. In his fishing attempts, he manages to snare Earth-2 John's Mom and pull her off of Constantine's Tenser's Floating Disc. Constantine's fake family get even angrier.

You know, John, some people's base motivation isn't simply self-preservation at any cost. I know! It's crazy. It should be but it isn't for some reason!

General Apathy continues to hound Constantine as well. I guess it can travel in the spaces between worlds too. Probably because it was told it can't and it was just all, "Boundaries? Limits? Whatever."

Constantine and his group (composed of many more people than just his pseudo-family and quasi-friends. I guess he just grabbed up everybody near the spell in London) travel through The Green and The Grey and The Red until they wind up in the Astral Realm. Even here, Parademons attack a blue flame that is the source of life in the universe. Is this like that light that Lobo kept trying to snuff out in the Magenta Timeline? But Constantine ignores it because fuck the Earth-2 universe! Put a spork in it, as the kids say, because it's too hard to eat with just a fork or a spoon. And then Constantine and his new frenemies are suddenly through into the Earth-Main-Earth universe! And they brought a gigantic hand with them!

Whoops!

Is it the Anti-Monitor's hand? The Anti-Monitor really hates Earths that aren't Earth-Main-Earth. And he probably hates that Earth too even though he never got a chance to show it.

Apparently it's just Darkseid's hand. And he's suddenly become interested in Constantine because Darkseid likes to find new Universes to consume and Constantine has shown the ability to cross from one to the next. Constantine throws a bunch of survivors at Darkseid's hand because fuck them. They would have already been dead anyway if it hadn't been for Constantine. Now he's trying to save Universe-Main-Universe and the only way to do it is to pull a con on Darkseid and he's only got one issue left.

Constantine #22 Rating: No change. Darkseid didn't recognize Earth-Main-Earth's universe but that was probably because only his hand made it through the portal and Darkseid is no Ten Eyed Man. If Darkseid had known which universe Constantine had escaped to, Darkseid might have retreated of his own free will. Not the universe that kicked his ass! Not the universe with The Batman that humiliated him and his son and his Glorious Godfrey! Not the universe that put Highfather in his place with a proper scolding from Hal Jordan! No reason to kick that universe full of hornets when there are 50 others to kick that are full of easier victims, like cartoon rabbits and Chibi Superheroes and Marvel families that can't even say "crap" or take advantage of Georgia Sivana's wonderful traits.

I just realized next month is going to be a pretty exciting time with Last Issues all over the place!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #38

Yay! We've all been waiting for the return of Crux, xenophobe that turned himself into a xeno!

Maybe I'll like Red Hood and the Outlaws better if I treat it like a sitcom. I'll just pretend that the world resets every month and then when Lobdell changes things from issue to issue to fit his new version of the story, I won't have an aneurysm!

The issue begins with Crux in Arkham Asylum. He's being treated by a man in a wheelchair with his finger glued to his bald head. It looks like he's thinking really hard about how he's going to help his new patient get over his hatred of aliens! He also looks like he might be using his Charles Xavier mental powers that he probably has since Scotty loves repurposing X-men stuff in his DC Comics. The orderlies even call him "Professor!" Like in Professor Charles Xavier! Although this professor has a goatee making him a totally different character. Oh, and he's got brown skin instead of Charles "never been in the sun" hue.

Surprise! The Professor is actually Jason Todd! Crux realized who he was when he smelled Todd's fart.

Crux tells Red Hood that he's going to kill him but Red Hood tells Crux a joke. Then Crux tries to bite Red Hood while Red Hood is holding two guns in his hand. Luckily one of his guns instantly transforms into a knife so he can stab Crux in the tongue! I bet that's one of those new Wayne Enterprises Gun-to-Knife prototypes. Red Hood is almost killed when he nearly lands on a spiked iron fence but Crux saves him because of that thing where the bad guy always wants to torture the good guy for as long as possible before killing him. That always works out well!

Well, I guess that's why he saved him! He loooooooooves him!

Way back in Issue #5 (or something) when the Outlaws defeated Crux, I was sort of worried that he'd join the team because he was an awful character. But now I hope he's going to join the team because he's an awful character and fits right in! It just took me longer to realize that Jason Todd, Roy Harper, and Starfire were all awful characters as well. I was still under the assumption that they were interesting due to their Preboot incarnations. Who knew the New 52 mandate was to make them all so unlikable?!

Crux spent his time in the Asylum changing shape and walking around acting condescending to the other inmates in order to help them get better. Then he'd pretend to be a raving, psychotic dragon during the day so that he could remain in Arkham because he so enjoyed wandering about at night being a condescending, self-righteous asshole to Two-Face and The Mad Hatter and Bane and The Scarecrow. I'm sure he thoroughly helped them all because he was so much smarter than they were. He is, after all, a Scott Lobdell character which means he's the best at whatever he does. I don't know what that is though. Archaeology? Alien physiology? Genetics of some kind?

Crux becomes the new pilot for the Outlaws since they have been using his ship. And then they rush off to rescue Starfire from doing drugs! Too bad they don't find her first!

Now they have to rescue Starfire from her sister! But that's okay since Starfire had already rescued herself from the drugs by placing herself in Chained To A Tree In The Jungle Rehab.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is so much better when I punch myself in the head eighteen times before reading it! I hope Crux stays on the team. I know I flipped out earlier when I thought Crux was going to join the team way back when they first encountered him, but I think the fact that he didn't join was a missed opportunity. This team needs fresh blood in it. And Starfire needs a new person to fuck.

Constantine #21

Has Doctor Fate's helmet always looked like a scowling crow with a Great Gatsby haircut and a spit curl?

My friend Doom Bunny wants me to do his wife's job for her! No, not that job! Apparently she's going to have her 7th Grade class write poems or something and he wants Grunion Guy to write an example poem demonstrating all of the poetic techniques they'll have to use in their poems. But he didn't tell me how much he was going to pay me so I'm not working on it at all!

I mean, maybe I'll think about it a little bit! I guess they have to write a poem about an animal or insect that most people dislike and the poem is supposed to convince the audience that they're stupid idiots and totally wrong in their opinion. I was thinking about doing a poem about dogs but I think most people like dogs for some reason. Probably because most people are needy dumb dumbs who love having their crotches sniffed, I guess. Then I figured it's supposed to be an example poem, so what better creature to use than a spider, right? Most people hate spiders but I know those people are, once again, needy dumb dumb who love having their crotches sniffed!

Now that I've chosen the spider as my topic, the next thing I need to demonstrate to a bunch of stupid probably virgin 7th graders is the concept of a refrain. Calling 7th Graders virgins makes it sound like I'm looking down on them because I've had sex, right? I don't want it to sound like I haven't had sex because that would be a mistake on my part for letting that cat slip out of the bag and a mistake on your part for thinking that I haven't sexed up loads of socially acceptable partners! Anyway, I need a refrain! It's hard to come up with one of my own so I think I'll borrow one. Don't worry, I'll give it back later.

My Spider Poem Refrain:

"I'll be trapped beneath your finger!" x 2 twice and then it will become this:

"You'll be wrapped around my stinger!" x 2!

Oh yeah! That's clever! And probably anatomically correct! Unless it isn't and then let's call it poetic license!

Okay, next I need to demonstrate personification. That's easy! The spider will just narrate the entire poem! So the last things I need are alliteration, onomatopoeia, simile, and metaphor. And with those building blocks, I've come up with this! Boy, I hope I come up with something soon after a lead up like that!

"The Spider"

You consider me a household horror
Lost beneath the futon's fuzzy folds!
Traumatized by your hysteric weeping
No one in the house will still be sleeping.

I was only crawling seeking dinner
I don't want my eight legs getting thinner.
Like a simile you think I'm useless.
Because a simile's a metaphor, you know, it just is!

I'll be trapped beneath your finger!
I'll be trapped beneath your finger!

You should feel lucky when you see a
Spider. Don't worry about onomatopoeia!
Spiders don't make sounds so just forget it!
Unless your cat meows and then you pet it!

I'll be trapped beneath your finger!
I'll be trapped beneath your finger!

Spiders are the best you now can say!
Say I convinced you so I can get an A!
I think I already did alliteration!
Mrs. Bunny can now go on vacation!

You'll be wrapped around my stinger!
You'll be wrapped around my stinger!
Thank you and love spiders! Good night Denver!

I hope that's good enough for that rascally Doom Bunny and his wife! I think it teaches the kids everything they need to know about poetry!

Hey! That's what I've always said!

Constantine can't cross back to Earth-Main-Earth while both he and John-2 are still alive. So now he's stalling until he can figure out a way to kill John-2 without everybody going, "Yo! Why'd you do that for?!" It's possible Doctor Cocoa Puffs can help but Constantine needs to figure something out quick because an army of parademons has just descended on London looking for them.

Doctor Fate knows how to fix the problem. All Constantine has to do is put on a little golden helmet and everything will work out. It's just a little helmet! Maybe a bit garish, true. But come on! What harm can it do? Nabu wouldn't lie to you, would he, Constantine?!

Just kill him, John! Is pretending you considered taking your own life really going to make you feel better later?

Constantine watches, once again, his loved ones dying around him. He knows he should be the one to die to save them all. But he can't do it. Not when there's still another way to save his damned soul by killing John-2. And so that's what he does. To save the others, sure, but mostly just to save himself. Fuck if I don't totally relate to this bastard.

Once John-2 is dead, Constantine and his Earth-2 friends and family begin the journey to Earth-Main-Earth. He makes sure to piss off Doctor Cocoa Puffs and leave him well behind. But now he has to face John-2's people who all watched as Constantine killed their loved one. So now Constantine's going to have to lose them all over again because how can they not all hate him now?

Hell, Constantine might die anyway! I mean, of course he won't because his name is on the cover. But, you know, we can pretend he could die in his own book! Sometimes that happens to characters!

Constantine #21 Rating: +2 Ranking. This issue was far better than my snarky comments about John's selfishness and cowardice make it out to be. But this blog isn't some touchy feely hugfest of emotional insights! It's a blog where I quickly change the subject to masturbation whenever I become too uncomfortable from all the feelings I'm experiencing. Besides, I spent a lot of time writing a fantastic poem to help out a friend! I don't have time to also point out how I share Constantine's sense of self-preservation at any cost! If I had the opportunity to save my family at the expense of my own life, I'd be all, "Mom who? What? Dad? Where's my dad? What?! I don't know any of these people!" Fuck it, man. I can live with that!