Twat Lobo #13

Twenty years ago, I'd have rooted against Hal Jordan. Not today!

Well Twat Lobo! You had a good run. I mean, it wasn't exactly "good" at all, really. It was practically the definition of horrible. But keep your chin up! If you ignore all of the critics who were completely right in saying this was a bad comic book, and disregard the constantly plummeting monthly sales, you were actually fairly successful! Some people who wanted to fuck you decided to ignore the shitty writing and awful dialogue and tone deaf rape scenes so that they could laud the series. And fans of whatever Cullen Bunn has written that has apparently been good--I wouldn't know what that was since none of it has been at DC--have also managed to convince themselves that this series was a truly novel horror title. And I think it was loyal Lobo fans who don't have it within themselves to criticize any version of the Main Man who thought maybe this was a parody of James Bond? Plus if I had to choose the best book of all time and it was between Cullen Bunn's Twat Lobo and Ann Nocenti's Katana, you'd win hands down, Twat Lobo! So anyway, what I'm trying to say is you had a successful run if you squint a bit and lie to yourself and manipulate all of the data and ignore reality. Congratulations!

Twat Lobo has recently let himself go. He's looking more and more like Real Deal Lobo which could mean that Cullen Bunn stole my idea about making Twat Lobo the younger version of Real Deal Lobo and introducing a time travel element into the story which leads to Twat Lobo killing his older self. That totally works for me and makes the series just a tiny bit better overall. He also took a huge overdose of drugs last issue which could explain why his older self has no memory of the details of his earlier life. The drugs have also sent Twat Lobo on a murderous rage across the universe killing other bounty hunters. But not because they're bounty hunters! It's because he's hallucinating Czarnian faces on all of them.

The issue begins with Twat Lobo hallucinating one of those faces on Hal Jordan. That's a good idea because it means Green Lantern fans will pick up this issue and Twat Lobo might end on a less depressing financial note.

Compare this page to the cover. Since the cover was commissioned, DC has obviously backpedaled on the Twatiness of Lobo.

Hal Jordan points out that this isn't his fight. I'd like to argue the point, Hal. It's all very well to describe being mugged or attacked at random as "not your fight" but it kind of is. You may not have chosen the fight. You may not be the type of asshole that goes around getting into fights (that's a hypothetical person in that statement since Hal Jordan actually is that type of asshole). But once a fight is brought to you, it's your fight whether you want it or not. Because the only other option at that point is to take the beating that, with your logic, wasn't your beating. I'd rather engage in the fight that wasn't my fight than simply take the beating that wasn't my beating.

Twat Lobo hallucinates his old partners from Earth who died. The drugs Twat Lobo took really shouldn't be causing him to hallucinate people trying to help him get the drugs out of his system. What kind of self-destructive drugs are those?! They should be making him hallucinate hot young sex monkeys chirping at him to take more drugs and do weird things with bananas. I wonder where I can get some drugs like those? And some bananas?

Hal Jordan flies Twat Lobo into space and then hurls him back to the planet so he burns up from whatever causes a thing to burn up during atmospheric reentry. Air pressure or something. I don't want to get too technical with my readers so we'll leave it at that instead of having me explain it in detail which I totally could if I wanted to.

See? It's a horror comic book full of sexy ghosts! I mean scary ghosts!

Hal Jordan flies down to talk to Twat Lobo after "checking around" to discover that Twat Lobo was on drugs. Where the fuck did he "check around"?! I was really getting into the story up until that part! Now I've been pulled out of the narrative by some ridiculous bullshit thrown in simply to have Hal Jordan put together pieces of the story he wasn't privy to! And don't say his glove told him because his glove isn't tied into the same World Wide Green Lantern Web that the rings are tied into! Hal pointed that out himself in Green Lantern #47!

Some purple guy from The Citadel picked up Twat Lobo to explain what's been going on. The drugs were made from dead planets because obviously. Duh. Best drugs you can get! The only problem is that Twat Lobo snorted some Czarnia! Oh noes! That totally explains everything somehow! Especially if you want to fuck Twat Lobo! Poor guy! I totally get it! I mean, um, whut's going on?!

Twat Lobo decides he doesn't need The Citadel's help and that he loves the idea of his planet being inside him because it's a cool idea if you're drunk and have a serious concussion, I guess.

Also he's back to being Twat Lobo thanks to the atmospheric reentry makeover.

I cut off the threat on that last page that told people to watch for Twat Lobo in Batman Loves Superman #29. That was the most horrific part of this horror story. Or was it a parody of James Bond? I forget what I'm supposed to think.

Twat Lobo #13 Rating: No change. What a cool ending...I can hear idiots saying. With the drug in Twat Lobo's system and the variance in his looks, my guess is that the first issue battle between Twat Lobo and Real Deal Lobo was an Edward Norton/Tyler Durden Fight Club deal. So there's not difference between Twat Lobo and Real Deal Lobo at all. They're just unaware of each other inhabiting the same body. I don't know if that makes anything better but at least I can imagine Twat Lobo will one day be completely suppressed and I never have to read another comic book about him ever again. Although, I suppose, my mind could easily be swayed if a good writer took on the task of writing Twat Lobo! Until then, good riddance, Twat Lobo!

Twat Lobo #12

"Heeeellllloooooooo Cedar Rapids! Are you ready to twat?!"

Twat Lobo is taking some time off from running errands for Sinestro so that he can pay more attention to his first job as the Whip of the Void Whisper. You might be thinking, "Tess, what is that? I don't even know what the House Whip does in Congress? How am I supposed to know what it means when it comes to a Metrosexual Space Assassin?" What am I? A dictionary?! If you know what a whip is--and I'm assuming you do because you're probably a nerd and all nerds know about Catwoman and Indiana Jones--then you're halfway to knowing what a person called a whip does! They're used to incentivize an employees or coworkers! I suppose the title could have been less likely to bring up slavery if they had been called "Extorts" or "Blackmails." No wait. That last one makes me think of slavery too.

Twat Lobo is hunting drug dealers who decided to ditch their drug dealing employer and strike out on their own. So Twat Lobo is becoming a mafia story just like Catwoman! At one point, Twat Lobo mentions the Darkstars which totally does nothing for me. I think the Darkstars were mostly composed of ex-cops from Chicago.

Better be careful, Twat Lobo! You're getting a little raggedy. Don't want to accidentally slip into Real Deal Lobo territory. Unless...unless you do! Is my theory correct that Twat Lobo is just the younger version of Real Deal Lobo?!

Twat Lobo mentions how his last job was hunting red, indigo, and blue lanterns for Sinestro. He doesn't mentioned how he failed to accomplishment two-thirds of that mission! I guess The Code allows for missions to be considered complete when they are one-third done.

Twat Lobo manages to inhale half of the drugs being manufactured as he murders everybody. How dangerous can that be, right?!

Congratulations! That's about 95% of the reason it's called a drug!

I know some wiseacre is out there saying that drugs are also taken to make people feel normal. Well I'm here to say wanting to feel normal is as weird as weird gets!

Twat Lobo doesn't have any of his glowing tattoos and he's wearing his old skull belt buckle! What's going on here? Am I on drugs? Did Robson Rocha forget that he's the artist on Twat Lobo and not just Lobo?

Sort-of-Twat Lobo heads onto his ship to tell himself he applied The Code correctly but walks directly into the sexiest hallucination I've ever seen!

So many frogs! *droooool*

Sort-of-Twat Lobo begins making out with his hallucination and I'm willing to admit the art is quite good. Especially the part of the art that is the hallucination's boob pressed up against Sort-of-Twat Lobo's chest! But after kissing and before the parts I'm really interested take place, Princess Lobo tears her face off. That's when she becomes the Countess and instead of being covered in horny toads, she's crawling with Hypno-Spiders! Get out of there, Sort-of-Twat Lobo! That woman is no good for you and a rapist to boot! Although if you want to stick around to be raped again, I'm not arguing.

Sort-of-Twat Lobo realizes he's just tripping whatever Czarnians trip instead of balls (it might be balls too but I don't want to assume, having never seen what's in Twat Lobo's pants! It very well could be a vagina!) when the Countess disappears. He's got to get some coffee in him and sober up! Does coffee help sober up people tripping on hallucinogens? I really should know but I wasn't into drinking coffee back when my body was loaded up with LSD and shrooms.

Need time! But there's no time to need time!

Sort-of-Twat Lobo really should have made time to need time even if he didn't have any time because he continues to hallucinate the Countess even when he thinks he's picking up a new mission. I hope the entire run of this comic book will wind up being one big hallucination. I chose "one big hallucination" because I couldn't decide if I should use the article "a" or "an" for hallucination.

After almost choking his boss Kadra because he thought she was the Countess, Sort-of-Twat Lobo runs from her office to clear his head. Maybe this time he'll actually attempt to do just that instead of crying about how much time is left in the universe. Seriously, why does Sort-of-Twat Lobo need to worry about time? Isn't he effectively immortal?

Now Sort-of-Twat Lobo has less time than before because Kadra sends out all of her hunters to punish him for choking her. As if she didn't enjoy it.

Sort-of-Twat Lobo freaks out from the drugs and begins killing all of Kadra's hunters. Then he decides to quit which The Code allows in special circumstances like when your boss doesn't enjoy being choked or when you've taken too many drugs and have to turn into Real Deal Lobo. But first he has to hunt down and kill Hal Jordan. I don't think that will go very well because Hal Jordan is currently a bad-ass motherfucker.

Sort-of-Twat Lobo #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm throwing this issue a bone because I discovered how much I like the word "bone" after reading Green Arrow and his Bone Hunters. I'm going to create a super hero text adventure game called "Black Hunter" about an African-American super hero who hunts down white collar criminals and also racists and shit. Most scenes will involve Black Hunter arriving on scene and saying, "Never fear! Black Hunter is here!" And everybody will say "What did you say your name was?" and "Did he just say 'cunt'?" and "Is this guy in the KKK?" He'll form a superhero group to track down all the criminals they can and he'll call his team "Pack Hunt!" Oh! I should probably keep my great and not terrible ideas to myself before a white collar criminal steals them and makes thousands of dollars off of them. Instead I should say how much I actually enjoyed this issue of Twat Lobo! I think Cullen Bunn is going to steal my idea and reveal that Twat Lobo is actually Real Deal Lobo after overdosing on mystery drugs! I'm all for this series ending on that note and I will apologize to Cullen Bunn for being a jerk for so long and I will also buy him a beer. Unless he's an alcoholic and then I will buy him ten beers.

Twat Lobo #11

I guess Larfleeze is too powerful for Twat Lobo.

Twat Lobo was cancelled just in time! According to Mister Master Cullen Bunn Esquire himself, DC Comics was going to allow him to ruin another great DC Comics character! Here's what he said on his Tumblr:

The biggest element that will be lost is that we were going to have [Twat] Lobo find out who had put out the "contract" on Czarnia. We'll see some of that, but not much. Originally, I had a long arc where a New 52 version of [Twat] Hitman (Tommy Monaghan) would have shown up and the two would gone [sic] after "the dark forces working against the assassins behind the scenes" together.

Holy shit am I glad Twat Lobo was cancelled before that happened! Hitman does not belong in space. "Dark forces" aren't really dark forces if they're working against assassins. They're just other people in the business of being jerks! Or they're, you know, good guys! I can't imagine DC could find somebody less subtle than Cullen Bunn to write Hitman. He'd probably turn him into another bad-ass spouting bad-ass insults while accomplishing bad-ass feats. Tommy would lose any hint of maudlin or melancholy or his desperate hope for something better for the people he loves while knowing he's destined for hell and bad times no matter what. I think if Cullen Bunn had been allowed to write Hitman, I would finally have realized it's simply time to stop reading comic books. I put up with Nocenti writing Katana and Klarion. I'm putting up with Bunn writing Lobo. I put up with Lobdell writing Superman. I think Cullen Bunn writing Hitman would finally have broken me. I'm just so fucking tired of poor editorial decisions and higher ups at DC Comics not giving a shit about talent.

Although horrible books are fun to trash! That's the segue into this month's Twat Lobo!

Twat Lobo has followed Bleez back to the Red Lanterns' new home. It's a ship orbiting Ysmault. I don't know when Atrocitus took back his home. I don't know when Bleeze once again became pals with Atrocitus. I don't know why aliens come to Ysmault to get their ring when most rings just fly around the universe, land on a finger, and bring the aliens back to base. I don't know who the Rage Mother is and why she needs to hold the main power battery. What I do know is that Twat Lobo is going to kill most of the Red Lanterns and destroy the main power battery for Sinestro. Because Twat Lobo is a huge tool of the man!

I think the font is supposed to make this scary.

Twat Lobo is the greatest killer in the universe so I'm not worried about how this battle is going to go. I think I am supposed to have a raging boner prepped and ready for a ten page long gorefest of a battle! Where's my Rage Viagra?!

Before the battle really even begins, Cullen Bunn takes out his own personal feelings on a character and gains even more of my enmity than I was already allowing him.

Fuck you, Bunn. Look at the big man killing the kitty cat! What an amazing piece of writing. You piece of shit.

Hey! Guess who the vile disgusting editor of this kitty murder scene is? Yep! Sexaul Harassment Expert Eddie Berganza! What other lousy editor would give the go-ahead for killing Dex-Starr? I wonder if he's got Krypto in his sights next? Jesus Christ, I wish that Cullen Bunn would sign an exclusivity contract with Marvel. He can't get away from DC's characters fast enough.

Twat Lobo makes sure to Narration Box "These guys are hardcore" and "Let's hope I can handle it" so that the reader derives some fake tension from the battle. I guess this is finally going to be an actually tough fight for Twat Lobo! I hope he survives! No wait. I hope he doesn't survive.

Atrocitus has Twat Lobo on the ropes, drooling blood all over Twat Lobo's face! It looks like he's going to defeat Twat Lobo! He even says something about wondering if Twat Lobo can endure his wrath or something. The important thing is that you read and remembered he used the word "endure" so that a page later, you'll understand Twat Lobo's terrific and not overused by hack writers comeback line.

Get it? Atrocitus said endure and now Twat Lobo is turning it around on him by repeating it and adding "this" to the end!

Twat Lobo escapes so that his face can heal. It shouldn't heal too much though because, for some reason, Rocha is drawing him a lot more like Real Deal Lobo this issue. Maybe all this Lantern work is aging him and he'll soon look just like the version of himself who will travel back in time to be killed by his younger self in Twat Lobo #1! I bet Real Deal Lobo (who is just, in my theory, an older version of Twat Lobo) is the one who put the hit on Czarnia after coming back from the future where he was married to Tommy Monaghan and living with a bunch of space dolphins.

Twat Lobo manages to set up some traps because he escaped so far ahead of the Red Lanterns. He's like Dick Dastardly in a Wacky Race! Except more psychotic and actually willing to kill everybody in the Arkansas Chugabug and the Anthill Mob. It's super exciting! After Twat Lobo gets away, there's a page where he says, "I know! I'll make some traps with all of these Inquisitional Torture Devices I just stumbled across!" Then there's a page where one of the Red Lanterns says, "What's this!" Atrocitus says, "No! I sense you are about to explode all over the page for the benefit of all the rage boners enjoying this comic book!" And that's what happens! Then the next page, Twat Lobo is saying, "Ha ha! Suckers! Now I can rest some more and have a masturbation fantasy!"

I hope a surprise appearance by a naked lady didn't confuse all of those rage boners!

I get it. People like bad comic books for various reasons. I think the biggest reason is that they simply ignore every idiotic thing that happens because they're simply in love with the character or because they once met Cullen Bunn at a con and now they feel a bond and need to like his work. I don't like it. He makes stupid mistakes because he's not paying attention to the things he's previously written just a few pages ago. Like in the previous issue where Twat Lobo claims he did research on the Indigo Lanterns and then is surprised by their ability to teleport. Let me walk you through just some technical shit that turns me off from this poorly written issue. We'll begin with Twat Lobo having just killed another Red Lantern.

Here we see Twat Lobo declare that he's gotta keep his distance. He also feels bad for them because they'll never see him coming. See, he controls his rage while they are puppets of their own rage. Advantage: Twat Lobo!

Whoops! Twat Lobo underestimates Atrocitus and doesn't see him coming! Advantage: Atrocitus.

So far, so good. Twat Lobo knows he must keep his distance and he's learned that maybe Atrocitus isn't as dumb and clumsy and rampagy as he thought. Twat Lobo is no Midnighter! So now Twat Lobo knows he must keep his distance, right?!

Okay, so Atrocitus was right on top of him and then in the next panel, Twat Lobo has extended the space between them. Great job, Twat Lobo! You've got a gun and everything! You can remain at that distance and finish him off!

It looks like Twat Lobo's plan is coming together! Now let's take a look at the next panel!

What the holy fuck are you fucking doing, Twat Lobo?! You had one clear strategy! KEEP YOUR FUCKING DISTANCE!

This entire sequence would be fine if the panel showing Twat Lobo far away from Atrocitus (and, by the way, don't make him charging Atrocitus in that panel when he has long range weapons and the distance he needs) was just expunged from the scene. Just have Atrocitus break through the wall and bite Twat Lobo. No need for a "Big guy got the jump on me again" Narration Box because this is a fucking comic book and the reader sort of already saw that in the visuals. And no need for a "dammit, got too close" Narration Box either because the whole "got the jump on" thing sort of takes precedence. The whole thing comes across as amateurish. And I didn't even bother with the two panels that follow, the first of which shows Twat Lobo punching Atrocitus in the chin and yelling, "Get off!" And then the second one shows Twat Lobo six feet away and charging Atrocitus. Nice spatial work, guys! I can't complain enough about this scene! Plus I'm still angry at Dex-Starr's death.

Just to be clear: the previous complaint wasn't all just about Cullen Bunn. It's also about Frank Barbiere, Robson Rocha, Mike Cotton, and Eddie Berganza.

Twat Lobo manages to stab Atrocitus in the heart and then shoot him into paste.

Zing!

After Twat Lobo destroys Atrocitus, he finds that the Red Lantern Power Battery has disappeared. His entire goal was to destroy it so what does The Code say? It says he can shrug and go back to Sinestro having not finished the job, apparently.

The issue ends with the Rage Mother vomiting up all of the Red Lanterns that Twat Lobo killed, including Dex-Starr and Atrocitus. Well, I guess Cullen Bunn didn't get the go ahead to kill the characters. So this bullshit ending had to be tacked on which means that nothing actually happened during this issue. Great. Can I have my money back then?

Twat Lobo #11 Rating: -5 Ranking. Fuck you, Cullen Bunn. Fuck you, Robson Rocha. Fuck you, Mike Cotton. Fuck you five times or more, Eddie Berganza. The only person I'm leaving off the hook for this toxic waste dump of an issue is Ruy Jose because he just traced the bullshit that came out of Rocha's pencils. At least Cullen Bunn finally got me to feel something for one of his issues. I was fucking pissed that he killed Dex-Starr. But you know what? I'm pissed even more by the ending that erased the entire fucking issue! My guess is Cullen Bunn turned in the issue and Mike or Eddie was all, "You can't kill Dex-Starr and Atrocitus after all. I know we discussed it and even jerked each other off while planning it but I just got a memo that we can't do it." So Cullen picked up a Post-It Note and scribbled the ending where a new character named Rage Mother vomits everybody back into existence. Bam! Send it to the printer! I might be wrong. But if I am? It's even fucking worse if this was the plan from the start! This issue was an insult to comic book fans. Luckily not many comic book fans were probably insulted by it because who is actually purchasing and reading this shit, amirite?!

Sinestro #15

What a surprise. They've turned against each other!

Earlier in this series, Sinestro and Twat Lobo had a battle that wasn't really a battle. It was just a test by Sinestro to see if the most dangerous person in the universe was really the most dangerous person in the universe. Sinestro wasn't killed by Twat Lobo so Sinestro concluded everything being said about Twat Lobo was true. I didn't get it either but I think it had something to do with the Stan Lee Hypothesis. That's the one where if two characters of equal strength battle with each other, the battle must end in an unsatisfying tie so that nerds can continue to believe their favorite character is still the strongest which is what they believed when the story began and which is what they would have believed when the story ended even if their character lost, although they'd be pissed off and ready to write a letter. Stan Lee was a genius! Have you ever read the angry letters in comic books printed before the internet existed? My god! I would not have wanted to anger those fans either! Ties all around! No hero ever loses to another hero! They're all equally unable to finish a battle!

I guess the previous Sinestro versus Twat Lobo issue wasn't enough for the fans. They need serious resolution! So it seems they're going to have to fight again. And since Sinestro's name is on the cover of this comic book, he'll probably win (although that didn't stop Aquaman losing to Swamp Thing in Aquaman's comic book. Loser). And since Twat Lobo has regenerative powers, he'll probably be torn to pieces. That would be a satisfying resolution, right?

Since Twat Lobo failed to kill Indigo-1 last issue, he's moved on to an easier target.

Unless Saint Walker's head penis can say "Bueno," I think Saint Walker might be in serious trouble here.

Lucky for Saint Walker, Twat Lobo doesn't want him dead. Maybe all this time, unbeknownst to everybody, Saint Walker actually has the power to strengthen any ring so Sinestro wants him for the Sinestro Corps. Although probably not since it wouldn't make sense for Fear to strengthen Hope in the way that Will gives power to Hope. I guess it will work though because I'm sure some people sometimes say things like, "I hope I scare the shit out of my little sister!" See? Hope and fear working together!

Twat Lobo makes up another piece of The Code to justify what he wants to do once the inhabitants raise up arms against him to protect Saint Walker. The Code says, "Do not spare those who would piss you off even if they are desperate and thirsty." I totally agree, The Code! But Twat Lobo decides not to murder them all even though it would take three seconds since they're all weak and emaciated. Instead, he decides to scare them. And that, after all this time, finally earns him a yellow ring!

Great. Now he's a subordinate of the Void Whisper and Sinestro.

Twat Lobo cuts his finger off because he's The Main Twat! Nobody tells him what to do unless he wants them to tell him what to do because he's working an angle. Plus the Yellow Lantern uniform simply isn't his style.

Twat Lobo takes Saint Walker back to Sinestro. While he's visiting, Twat Lobo threatens Sinestro because Twat Lobo is sick of the yellow rings swarming him wherever he goes. Then he marches off to be propositioned by Lyssa.

Just a second. I have to check the cover. Hmm, it says Sinestro on the cover but it seems more like a Twat Lobo book. Sinestro has appeared for three pages in the first twelve. But I guess it's acceptable since Sinestro is doing the narration. Oh yeah! That's how I know it's not a Twat Lobo book! Because every page isn't filled with Twat Lobo Narration Boxes! In that way, this has become a better Twat Lobo comic than any in his own series! It's just too bad Sinestro is being overshadowed in his own title. Maybe that's why he's going to battle Twat Lobo again. Or it might be because Lyssa is throwing herself at Twat Lobo because who wouldn't? What a sexy, marvelous beast! I wouldn't be able to stop myself from trying to fuck the most dangerous, murderous, practically insane creature in the universe. Totally worth probably dying for, right? Although I'm sure the yellow rings can make vibrators so why risk it?

While Lyssa blows Twat Lobo in the Gender Neutral Bathroom, Sinestro propositions Saint Walker. Sinestro's Manhunters bring food and water to the populace of Arklu to show Saint Walker that he can put his hope and faith in the Sinestro Corps. He can hang out with them, charging their rings and healing them as they fly around the universe bringing order through fear. Seems like a good deal, right? There's just the small matter of serious and extreme experimentation that will have to be done on Saint Walker and his blue ring. Shouldn't be overly traumatic for a stitched together puppet man.

Sinestro #15 Rating: No change. The face-off on the cover wasn't as exciting as one would have thought. It was more just Twat Lobo making a toothless threat against Sinestro and then stomping out of the room to go fuck Lyssa. If I were Twat Lobo, I think I'd retire or find another job. He just doesn't seem happy with his current situation. At least Real Deal Lobo took joy in everything he did. He was fun to be around. Twat Lobo is a fucking buzzkill always bringing up The Code and how he has to follow The Code. He's always just...oops! This book was supposed to be about Sinestro. I should probably judge it on Sinestro's actions. Although now that Sinestro has Twat Lobo working for him, he doesn't really partake in too many actions. He's become the Grand Moff Tarkin of the Sinestro Corps. Of course he's also the Darth Vader of the Corps, so unless he's into autoerotic asphyxiation, he probably won't be choking himself. Oh! Autoerotic asphyxiation! That's what Saint Walker's head tentacle is for!

Twat Lobo #10

The Last Tango Before Sinestro Lost His Butt Cherry.

I thought all of the Twat Lobo/Sinestro crossover hype was going to be about them battling each other to a draw, Stan Lee style. But instead they're going to be the best friends ever. It makes sense because they're basically the same character with just enough shallow bullshit slopped on them for careless readers to think they're different. The ultimate problem with having a villain be the star of a monthly comic book is that villains need story arcs. Heroes can go on and on and on basically being the same person while constantly saving people from the next disaster. But villains need a story where they ultimately succeed or fail and then that's it. It's done. If they succeed in their vile plans, I suppose they can think up a new plan but since modern comics only have one speed, the villain's initial plan will be something like "control the universe" and what's left to plan after that? Squashing rebellions across various systems? Realizing that ultimate control wasn't what they really wanted and that, ultimately, they were just looking for their mother's love and their father's approval?

I understand that Cullen Bunn is trying to make Twat Lobo and Sinestro more like anti-heroes but that's bullshit too. Giving assassins and mercenaries like Twat Lobo and Deathstroke "codes" or "ethics" ultimately betrays what the fans like most about these kinds of characters. They want them to be ruthless killing machines. But they all have to have a Punisher's sense of right and wrong or else comic book companies don't think they're be palatable to a wide audience. People still exist who think the bad guy always needs to be punished.

I think DC Comics is going entirely the wrong way trying to make Twat Lobo and Sinestro cool to a young audience who they think only want sexy people acting bad-ass. I think Lobo works best as a mockery of himself. If the book is humorous and laughs at Lobo's trials and tribulations then it's okay for Lobo to be an inczarnian monster. That will never be Twat Lobo. Twat Lobo is being taken way too seriously. Some people hated that Lobo became a joke character. But those are people this blog isn't for because I'll never understand loving a character just because they represent some kind of super macho bullshit. Maybe DC Comics felt this way too which is why they thought turning Lobo into Twat Lobo was softening the super macho edge. Make him look like he cares about spa treatments and glowing tattoo fashions and he'll resonate more with today's androgynous oriented youth. I'd say it's only my opinion that that isn't the case but I also have Twat Lobo's sales to back up that it's not working. At all.

It's also possible that this version of Lobo could be awesome if only somebody else was writing it.

Somebody seems to like it well enough though because they've been defending it in the comments section of the Blogger version of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea:

I was expecting this to be a meh issue kind of like the others, but I was pleasantly surprised by this one. The bits where he talks about the blackness of space and about madness, both his own and that of the criminal elements that he's a part of, is pretty evocative. I really liked one panel where it depicts Lobo's face giving off a smug sneer as it seemingly blends in with the starry background behind him, almost as if implying that the darkness surrounding the stars and Lobo himself are one and the same.

The comment was from Anonymous but I suspect it's actually Cullen Bunn trying to explain the stuff that he couldn't fit into his 170 Narration Boxes for that issue. I get it, Your Majesty Mister Cullen Bunn Esquire! This shit is really deep!

Speaking of Narration Boxes...

I wonder if Cullen Bunn goes to art museums and plasters Post-it notes all over the exhibits?

I'm glad Twat Lobo explained the history of the Indigo Lanterns to me before he started killing them. It's always good to know why I should feel bad for the people Twat Lobo is ruthlessly murdering. His little bits of propaganda--like how he doesn't consider "compassion" an emotion or how these Indigos are just "soldiers" to be battled against--don't work on me because I don't like Twat Lobo anyway. Maybe if my belly were on fire as I gazed longingly at his tight abs and beautiful, tight little nipples, I'd buy whatever he was saying. But since that will never be the case, I should just move on to a panel that doesn't disgust me as much as one full of Narration Boxes.

Ah! That's better. No Narration Boxes! Only the implied future anal rape of Indigo-1 by a guy's bloody stump.

Twat Lobo rescues Indigo-1 by finishing the job of killing this Indigo Lantern who went back to being a killer and stump rapist himself after losing his ring that forces compassion and the inability to say anything other than "nok" onto him. But Twat Lobo didn't save Indigo-1's life so she could keep it. No, he just saved it so he could take it later.

Isn't the opposite of "nok" "Kon"? Who would want to be Superboy? He's terrible.

Maybe "nok" means "gay"? I would expect Twat Lobo to think of himself as the opposite of gay. Remember how he had all that heterosexual sex every issue ago? If Scott Lobdell were writing this comic book, Twat Lobo would be Omnisexual. I'm Nom-nom-nomnisexual which means I cannibalize all of my sexual partners. Not literally! More like emotionally and psychologically, leaving them a useless wreck and ruining their lives. But I'm totally upfront about it! When I meet a potential sexual partner, I always be sure to say, "I'm going to wreck you." And then I do! Utterly and completely!

And before you take the preceding paragraph too seriously, realize it was typed by a person who once looked like this:

I was fucking killing it that day.

Twat Lobo empties his bag of Indigo Lantern hands so Indigo-1 can appreciate, and then add to, his collection. But Indigo-1 is a total hater and wants nothing to do with helping Twat Lobo complete his set.

As Twat Lobo attacks Indigo-1, he Narration Boxes, "I've done my research on these guys. It's all about their rings--get those, and they're powerless." Whoa! He's really serious about his job! That must have taken around two seconds of research to make that ring connection! So that means the Indigo Lanterns are totally not any different than any other Lantern. Sure, some alien lanterns have innate powers due to their alien physiology. But if Twat Lobo cared about that kind of anomaly, he'd realize that the Indigo Lanterns probably have a few of those kinds of members just like any other Lantern Corps.

Indigo-1 commands one of the rings to slide onto Twat Lobo's finger (which is a bit rapey) which will make him a big softy. But he declares--in a Narration Box, of course!--that he's "a lobo" which means he won't fall for that sneaky trick. If this were the Real Deal Lobo, we'd get several issues of him being a giant dreadlocked huggy bear and it would be totally adorable and hilarious. But this comic book doesn't have time for whimsical bullshit! We're trying to be cool here! Everybody calm down and act distant and unaffected! That's better. Now it might not look like we're having any fun but just imagine how cool everybody thinks we are!

Twat Lobo bites off his finger so he doesn't become an Indigo Lantern. And just like that, Indigo-1 decides that she shouldn't try that again. He's got nine more fingers, Indigo-1! And ten toes! And a penis! At least make him bite off his own penis before you give up on this tactic! He's also got a tongue and a butthole. Don't the rings work if they're just shoved inside of a person?!

Indigo-1 teleports away and Twat Lobo's reaction would be laughable if I hadn't spent $2.24 on this comic book!

I thought you did your fucking research! The Indigo Lanterns teleport! It's practically all that they do! Teleport and hug (but not in the sexy kind of hugging the Star Sapphires do! No, the Indigos always pat you on the back as they hug)!

Twat Lobo reports back to Sinestro to point out that he failed to get Indigo-1's ring but the other Indigo Lanterns were too stupid to use their main ability to escape him. That's when Bekka begins to insult Twat Lobo like a good New God should but she is cowed by one glance from Sinestro. Oh, fuck that shit! This is going too far! Bekka is some lovestruck supporting actress now?! Not that I really care about the New Gods. But I figure the characters should be somewhat consistent as opposed to just being in the story in service to the lead characters.

Sinestro and Kadra (the Void Whisper leader who cowed Twat Lobo in the same way Sinestro cowed Bekka (I love the word "cowed." I hope I'm using and/or spelling it correctly!)) continue to negotiate their deal even though that's the kind of thing that should have been finished before Twat Lobo began killing Indigos. Kadra is all, "We should be paid a lot because you can't do it." And Sinestro is all, "Oh, I can do it but I just don't have time right now which is why I'm paying you the amount we already agreed upon and not a penny more, especially seeing as how Twat Lobo failed in his first attempt." And then Kadra is all, "Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut."

Even though Twat Lobo isn't finished with his Indigo job (and the Code says never to leave a job unfinished!), Twat Lobo now goes after the Red Lanterns. That means for the rest of the issue, he'll fail to kill Bleez and Dex-Starr and Atrocitus and Rankorr. Although I guess Cullen Bunn got the okay to kill Rankorr since he's fairly new and doesn't have a lot of fans. Twat Lobo kills Rankorr and then leaves Bleez alive because Twat Lobo suddenly doesn't know how to finish a job. Bleez heads back to Atrocitus to snitch on Twat Lobo. I guess the Red Lanterns are all back to hanging out with Atrocitus. They probably missed Dex-Starr as much as I did.

I probably could have spent more time on the Rankorr and Twat Lobo fight but I think I've done enough moaning about this issue.

Twat Lobo #10 Rating: No change. I almost typed "Sinestro #10 Rating" because isn't this more a Lantern title now? Isn't it really just more of that War of the Lanterns shit but with Twat Lobo doing all of the dirty work? The only reason Twat Lobo is involved with all of this ring crap is because the guy who writes the Twat Lobo book also writes the Sinestro book. That's the least organic link I can think of between these two characters! I could go on and on about how much I dislike the entire concept of this book, beginning with Twat Lobo's very first appearance with his "Sorry. Not Sorry" and "Screw you" directed at all of the old Lobo fans, but instead I'll just leave you with a picture from the front porch of my childhood home.

It's tiny because my mother scanned it and posted it to her Facebook. I think that's sufficient explanation, right?

Twat Lobo #9

Twat Lobo had better not try to cross over with The Omega Men! Unless Tom King writes it!

Twat Lobo is not interesting because he's the greatest assassin in the universe so the reader knows he's always going to defeat any opponent he battles. He needs another thing to make him interesting and a nice set of abdominal muscles isn't enough to keep me interested. If it's enough to keep you interested then you probably shouldn't be reading this review because I'm not going to discuss how fit Twat Lobo is. All superheroes are fit. What Twat Lobo needs is a personality that's interesting. Instead we have a guy who's super confident and arrogant who follows a supposed Code which he really just makes up as he goes. Perhaps the fact that he says "Sorry. Not Sorry" is supposed to make him hip and groovy and the bee's knees and/or the cat's pajamas instead of what it really does which is cause the bile to rise up in my throat.

What Twat Lobo needs is a flaw of some kind. He needs to be vulnerable in some aspect of his character. Maybe he lost his penis and it never regenerated and he's super ashamed of not having one because he acts so macho and manly with all the sex he's supposedly having? Or perhaps he's super gassy and can't stop farting? Perhaps he's truly sorry about killing all of the other Czarnians? Maybe Czarnians have to mate once every four years or their heads explode and he's desperately seeking out Rob Liefeld's character Sheba (the female version of Real Deal Lobo he created in Deathstroke) so he doesn't die? Perhaps he's obsessed with raising gerbils? Give me something to fucking like here, Cullen! Who needs another bad-ass killer with a hot body? A person can only look into a mirror so often before they're completely bored, you know?!

First page has eleven Narration Boxes because Cullen Bunn hates that he's writing comic books. I think he'd rather just write plot summaries.

Does that count as a kind of vulnerability? An aversion to insects and countesses?!

So Twat Lobo has always hated insects and Countesses. Now we're getting somewhere! I'm finally understanding who this Twat Lobo really is! He lost his only love when he destroyed Czarnia but his tight abs and strict Code helped him to put her out of his mind and, by the way, he hates insects and Countesses. I've had Twat Lobo all wrong! I just thought he was a cardboard cutout of yet another unbeatable cosmic killer! I'm totally fucking into this guy now!

Oh hey! Remember a few sentences ago when I said Cullen Bunn would rather just write plot summaries?!

I love when I get proven right!

So Frank J. Barbiere is doing dialogue, eh? How much work is that in a Twat Lobo comic book? Most of the words appear in Narration Boxes! Do those count as dialogue or are those considered plot?

The Countess decides to rape Twat Lobo since he's under her control now. But he's into it, so it's okay. I guess sometimes when you're raped, it's just being fucked before you realized you actually wanted to be fucked! It's cool and not totally gross at all. I think Cullen Bunn is onto something here! I mean, the same thing actually happened to me once! And I didn't cry in the corner at all afterward! Am I using too many exclamation points to compensate for my inner turmoil and pain?! No, probably not! I suppose I gave tacit consent when I tried to put my penis in her vagina out in front of the library the first night we met! She stopped me that time because we didn't have a condom. And I knew no meant no so I stopped! I don't know why, at a later date, she didn't stop while I was sleeping even though she didn't have a condom!

I have to say, waking up to a woman sitting on your penis is kind of nice. I mean, I was victimized!

I'm not advocating any kind of rape at all (except maybe the kind where a woman I'm attracted to takes out my penis and puts it into her vagina while I'm asleep). I'm just relating a personal anecdote lacking many details and how I felt about that anecdote (which was pretty good! Unless it was traumatic?)! I did stop dating her immediately after that though because, come on! You can't just have sex with me and expect me to remain interested afterward! I mean, you can't violate my rights and expect me not to be upset!

I should probably stop talking about this! I think I'm saying some things that I shouldn't be saying! I totally disagree with everything I just said and that me from a few minutes ago is totally gross and problematic and I want nothing to do with him. Thankfully timed moved forward and I'm totally different now and I've learned my lesson.

Twat Lobo gets infected by dozens of the spider things that may or may not have been salvaged from Ann Nocenti's Klarion comic book. Twat Lobo is in real trouble now! It appears he's powerless against rapey countesses who sweat spider mind-control technology. I wonder how many of them have entered through his urethra?

It's a good thing Twat Lobo Narration Boxes that this "is bad...real bad" and that he's "totally useless...at her will...just a plaything" or I wouldn't understand what was happening. I would say that I was functionally mentally retarded but that would be a retarded thing to say, considering the backlash that I'd get for using the R-Slur even if it communicates exactly what I want to say without actually demeaning anybody because having retarded mental functions is just a thing that some people have to deal with. Most of them own guns and vote Republican. Oh! Burn! Don't worry, I'll pretend to attack liberals and pacifists later! Wouldn't want me abusing my soap box by not being fair and balanced with the things that I say that will get me into trouble and make people hate me.

I really don't mean to upset anybody. It's just fate! One things leads to the next thing and the next thing leads to the thing that comes after that and I have no actual control over what I'm going to wind up writing about. I'm just a victim of my own destiny! You can't blame a person for anything since nobody has any free will! Right? Was that convincing? Is that a good enough excuse to keep using "retarded"?!

Remember that thing I said a commentary or two ago about my writing being too vulgar?! The previous was an example of that! What I just wrote was actually pretty intellectual stuff but nobody will take the time to dissect it in any way except a way that makes me look like a bigoted asshole with a peabrain and probably a tiny penis (I say probably because I don't want to admit to it being small (which it totally isn't because it's adequately man-sized and maybe better! (probably))). Does this caveat about how what I wrote was smart and not just vulgar make what I wrote smart? I hope so!

Ha ha! Wait. Was that a cunnilingus joke? Maybe this wasn't as funny as I first thought.

I'd better make fun of liberals now while I'm still thinking about. Let's see. What kind of stupid things are liberals into? Oh yeah! Why don't y'all just go enjoy your stupid free health care that isn't free at all because everybody pays into it and only some people are going to end up using it! You know, just like private health insurance works now! But, um, different somehow because it's bad or something! Idiots! Oh, and guns don't kill people! Jerks kill people! And they often use guns because it makes killing easy! Also sometimes innocent people like little kids kill people with guns because I guess those kids are jerks! How dare they touch that gun when they were probably not supposed to at all?! Idiots!

Ha ha! She's talking about cunnilingus! Again! I think! Also, why is that White Martian wearing boob armor?

Oh! There it is! Cunnilingus! Ha ha! I knew it would be in there somewhere since it was a woman talking about a man's tongue! Ha ha! Those women have a one-track mind!

I wonder when Twat Lobo is going to Narration Box that he was just kidding about being Countess Odessa's slave?! I don't buy that he's her puppet at all! Although why would he Narration Box that he was when the only people he would be fooling are the readers?!

Twat Lobo asks a question that the Countess really shouldn't answer but this is a comic book so she says, "I suppose it's more fun this way," and then blabs all of her plans and secrets. Yay! Such fun!

The Countess shows Twat Lobo her money-making scheme which is a factory that creates bodies for people who want bodies that are different than the bodies they were randomly assigned at birth.

I don't know if I understand her plan correctly. She implants mind-control spiders into people who give her cash to fund her Flesh Factory? Or she implants mind-control spiders into people who will become the customers for her flesh factory? Why is she involved in the Flesh Factory at all? Why doesn't she just mind-control people into simply giving her cash? I really am too stupid for this comic book!

In the next instant, the jerk with the laser bow attacks. He's from The Citadel because DC probably wanted to try to tie this book (the worst one DC publishes) with The Omega Men (arguably the best book DC publishes (along with Grayson and Gotham Academy)). The problem with The Omega Men is that none of them are young and hot with six packs and huge cocks. Why would anybody want to read about characters that are interesting but don't look good?

Just as an aside because I can't help pointing out every little thing that's wrong with this book: on the eleventh page of the story, Odessa is spelled "Odesa." Ha ha! Typo! What idiots!

Twat Lobo is compelled to attack Mr. Laser Arrow but apparently it's worse than that. He seems to have no control over his body and he's just watching as it reacts to the situation. I don't know if his brain completely understands what's going on though because it praises his body for having the sense to pull the laser arrows out of it yet when the laser arrows are set to blow a few panels later, Twat Lobo's guts blow out all over the place. I guess he missed the only one that was sticking in him that his body supposedly had the sense to pull out? The visuals don't really match the Narration Boxing but that'll happen when you rely on Frank J. Barbiere to do dialogue!

Mr. Laser Arrow sets off an EMP which fries all of Twat Lobo's mind-control spiders, freeing him up to get revenge on Countess Odessa. But don't worry! He's not as bad as she is! He has a Code! So he won't rape her. He merely kills her.

Twat Lobo turns down a job with The Citadel and heads back to his other job he didn't actually want to take with the Void Whisper. But I think he suffered irreparable brain damage during the mission.

"I talk care of problem. With my tongue! Cunnilingus! Cunnilingus! It's the Code!" Lobo talk pretty one day.

Twat Lobo heads off to deal with Sinestro. That story took place in the Twat Lobo Annual where Twat Lobo learned Sinestro wants him on his team too. So this book is just about how popular Twat Lobo is. Everybody wants to work with him! And probably suck him off too!

Super twisty epilogue: Countess Odessa comes back to life and tells her spider children that she now has enough Twat Lobo DNA in her vagina to start producing Czarnian Flesh for her Flesh Factory which seems unnecessary to her plans of becoming super wealthy and shit. Even if her plan is to rule the universe, she doesn't need anything but her mind-control spiders. I think the Countess Odessa might be overthinking her plans.

Twat Lobo #9 Rating: No change! Holy shit! With that "No Change" rating, that means Twat Lobo has remained out of the Worst Comic Position for a full month! Congratulations to Deathstroke for being even worse! What a feat!

Twat Lobo Annual #1

Lobo's logo matches him perfectly. It's boring with just a bunch of fiddly bits tacked onto it so it feels extreme.

The annual begins with Twat Lobo shooting a candidate for the Yellow Lanterns in the head. Why the fuck would the ring choose such a shitty candidate? Sinestro should be glad Twat Lobo took out this potential recruit before he wasted any of the Sinestro Corps' time. After the ring refuses to recruit a corpse because it isn't recruiting for the Black Lanterns, it moves on to find another candidate by spouting some "Replacement sentient initiated" nonsense. Maybe the ring instantaneously hazes the next recruit before moving on to find him or her or it. Or maybe Yellow Rings use a different kind of grammar than the rest of us.

I hope nobody argues with the "us" part of that last statement!

Twat Lobo captures the ring and throws it in his Yellow Ring Aquarium. Czarnia must have had sharks too because Twat Lobo compares collecting the Yellow Rings to chumming the waters. So he's now the Captain Quint of space travel? I wonder if at some point in this comic book he's going to need a bigger space ship?! Or maybe he'll meet an old guy with a really bad hat!

Or he's just better at living his life without a single thought about Twat Lobo and what he's up to.

Twat Lobo heads off to the remains of a pleasure planet to buy some information from a guy named Pascal Xantes. Twat Lobo explains all about the location in Narration Box after Narration Box. It helps the dumb people who like this comic book to understand what's going on.

Xantes has been giving Twat Lobo the information he's been using to locate the potential recruits for the Yellow Lanterns. That seems like a really difficult thing to predict no matter how many "equations" you run! How about just giving Twat Lobo Sinestro's location?! It seems like that information would be a hell of a lot easier to gain access to than guessing who the newest Yellow Lantern will be. I'm sure there's a reason Twat Lobo is doing this the hard way; it's just that he hasn't explained it to me in a Narration Box.

Egads. Just shut the fuck up and kill shit, you turd.

While Twat Lobo murders shit, he explains how everybody in space (which is everybody in the universe, amirite?!) is crazy and dangerous. He thinks it's because of the darkness, the "deep black" of space. I don't get it. Space isn't black! Space is light! Lights everywhere! Everywhere you look: lights, lights, and more lights! The only place that's dark is on a planet with a thick atmosphere and serious cloud cover! Or like, a cave! And a cave is the exact opposite of space. I think what he meant to say was everybody in space is a little crazy because of the loneliness. It's lonely in space! I mean, unless you're on some huge ark ship or something. Or, you know, on a planet with a bunch of other assholes that won't get out of your way when you walk down the sidewalk.

Twat Lobo "rescues" a Korugarian prisoner to trail behind his ship as he flies through space. Does he have some barrels to harpoon into the side of Sinestro when he attracts Sinestro's attention? That attention, by the way, is attracted rather quickly.

Here it is! Here it is! Twat Lobo's going to need a bigger space ship!

The Sinestro Corps rip Twat Lobo apart. But only because he lets them! If he didn't want to lose the fight, he wouldn't have lost the fight, especially since it was only against a bunch of Sinestro's lackeys. No, he loses on purpose because Sinestro isn't among them. So he has to play dead and follow them back to New Korugar. That's not me summarizing the comic book. That's me guessing at why Arkillo was able to tear Twat Lobo apart so easily.

The best part about Twat Lobo playing dead? He decides to stop his incessant Narration Boxing to make the readers think he's dead too! Why else would he stop Narration Boxing while pretending to be dead? The Yellow Lanterns can't hear it!

Too bad he only fakes it for two pages and then it's right back to shoving nine more Narration Boxes onto the page as he explains what I already explained before reading his explanation. Also, his ship regenerates too! Whew! I was worried that he was going to have to swim to New Korugar. Can you swim in space?

The Sinestro Corps don't think you're a ghost! The Sinestro Corps aren't thinking about you at all!

As Twat Lobo disembarks to find Sinestro and murder him, he mentions how if he's noticed, he'll "frag everyone on the planet." See? Twat Lobo is actually Real Deal Lobo! It's just an earlier version of him before he became a thicker, hairier, middle-aged bastich! When Twat Lobo murdered Real Deal Lobo, he really just killed his future self. That'll be a neat story when Cullen Bunn finally doesn't write it.

Sinestro sniffs out Twat Lobo almost immediately so that the great big battle every fan has been waiting for can begin! Except this fan. I wasn't waiting for it. Unless Sinestro destroys Twat Lobo and ends Twat Lobo's monthly comic book. I wouldn't mind that happening. Go Sinestro! Eat Twat Lobo's face!

Instead of getting an exciting battle, the readers get Twat Lobo explaining what Sinestro is thinking, how he's acting, and how Twat Lobo is using it all to his own advantage. None of that plays out in the visuals, of course! In the visuals, Twat Lobo just shoots a gun at Sinestro and jumps at him with a sword. I'm glad Twat Lobo explained that there was more going on than I realized. Now it's really exciting!

After Twat Lobo beats on Sinestro awhile, Sinestro ends the fight by paying off Twat Lobo's contract which Sinestro put out on himself to test Twat Lobo. Now Twat Lobo gets to be Sinestro's Whip as well as the Void Whisper's Whip. Twat Lobo is so whipped.

Twat Lobo Annual #1 Rating: 170 Narration Boxes versus 166 Panels. So just a slight bit more telling than showing. I prefer my comic books to be not this.

Twat Lobo #8

In this issue, our hero has sex with some stuff and then kills some stuff. He might even do both to some of the same stuff!

Twat Lobo is the hero this generation deserves! Ha ha! In your face, Twat Generation! That's your new nickname! I think the Twat Generation encompasses the years from 1963 until 2015! Twats!

Oh wait! Except for the year 1971! That year is exempt! Whew! That was close. I almost called myself a twat!

If The Boomers jerks who gave us the Boomers can refer to themselves as The Greatest Generation, can't every generation after their stupid Boomer offspring just call themselves The Twattiest Generation and just give a great big middle finger to every stupid fucking Boomer who decided the world really wasn't worth saving once all the free love dried up? Jerks!

This issue begins with Twat Lobo battling a Daemonite, a Thanagarian, and a White Martian. Those sound like delicious drinks full of alcohol! I bet a White Martian is two parts Kahlua, five parts Vodka, and three parts screams of an abductee. A Daemonite is three parts Zima, two parts awful art, and one part terrible scripting. And a Thanagarian is a broken beer bottle jammed into the neck of the first person to piss you off. Who's ready to party?!

Did the Martian and Thanagarian stand around debating the existence of God while they allowed Twat Lobo to wrap his chain that many times around the Daemonite?

Twat Lobo does that thing where he thinks about how powerful his foes are so that the reader understands how truly difficult the battle was even after he kills them in two or three pages. He also thinks up his strategy which is this: kill...er, sorry...ice them quickly. So the plan to battle super difficult foes is to kill them quickly? I figure the thing that makes them difficult is the same thing that keeps the fight from going fast. If they were easy foes, I can see the fight going quickly! But if they're super tough opponents, you don't want to take too long fighting them! So kill them quickly! Which means they're really not that difficult and I think Twat Lobo is lying to all of the readers to make himself seem more like a bad-ass than he really is.

When Twat Lobo realizes his opponents are also being controlled by some kind of Hypno-Bot, he swears in Yiddish. Well that makes his genocide of his own people even more offensive than it already was!

Twat Lobo doesn't ice them as quickly as he had planned to. I suppose it's a good way to fill up half of a script, anyway! And when you're writing as many comics as Cullen Bunn writes each month, a few short cuts have to be taken. It's easier to send Cliff Richards a script which reads: Pages 1-10: Twat Lobo Battles The Thanagarian and the Daemonite and the White Martian from the end of last issue. Have fun!

During the battle, Twat Lobo mentions that pity is against the Code. I wish I'd been keeping track of all of Twat Lobo's rules. Does anybody want to sift back through all of Twat Lobo's back issues and write up his list of codes for me?

Some space guy with a laser bow appears on page nine to help Twat Lobo finish the battle. Wow! He must really get teased! A science fiction space guy using a crappy bow?! I mean, if it fires lasers anyway, why does his weapon need to be bow shaped? What is the deal with airline food?!

Twat Lobo knows a guy he calls The Twat Mechanic. This guy knows every maker of technology in the entire universe! Bullshit! Nobody can know an infinite amount of information! Or as close to infinite as matters, anyways! But I guess he's a lazy plot device to just move Twat Lobo closer to his next victim, so why am I complaining? What do I want to read? Three issues of Twat Lobo running around in circles trying to figure out where the Hypno-Bots were made?! I don't even want to read three issues of Twat Lobo doing anything interesting! Not that there's any chance of that happening with Bunn at the wheel. Ha ha! That was a Cullen Burn!

This panel could have taken place immediately after the page ending with Twat Lobo dealing with the Twat Mechanic and mentioning how the Twat Mechanic gets results.

But instead, this page sits between them. This is the equivalent of expanding the margins on your final paper.

Between the ten page fight and throwing in redundant pages, Cullen Bunn only had to write about four pages of script this month! Easy money! Cha-ching!

Twat Lobo walks around the party and everybody glances at him and thinks, "Oh, he's here to try to murder the Countess." So it isn't a surprise to anybody when he walks into the Countess's lab of Hypno-bots only to be ambushed by the Countess and the Thanagarian and a bald woman and a bunch of Stormtroopers and a couple of Alien Scientists (they have big brains so I'm sure they're behind the Bots and the mind control). Countess Fab informs Twat Lobo that the hypno-bots aren't manufactured at all. They're born underneath her skin. Well, good thing they were born with Maker's Marks so that The Twat Mechanic could figure out where they came from.

The big twist comes right before Twat Lobo cuts off Countess Fab's head and/or fucks her: he's infected with a mind control spider-bot! Oh my God! Nobody saw this coming at all! Which is surprising seeing that Twat Lobo's entire mission was to find the person manufacturing small mind control robots that burrow into the skin of the victim. No possible way he could have protected against this eventuality? Oh wait! Of course he did! That's going to be the real twist! The Twat Mechanic made some kind of shield against the power of the Spider-Bots! Twat Lobo is just going undercover to find out more about the Countess's business! Oh Twat Lobo! You're so clever!

Twat Lobo #8 Rating: This is already the worst comic book DC publishes every month. I can't make it any worse. No wait! It's my rules! I can make it worse! -1 Ranking! Suck it, Twat Lobo! You're now worse than the worst!

Twat Lobo #7

The only good thing about these variant covers is that they don't spoil the story inside.

Speaking of variant covers! Did anybody else see the Martian Manhunter Variant with all the Old Portugese [sic] pointing out different aspects of his physical characteristics? They had it in the case at my comic book store last Wednesday and because I can read stupid Old Portugese [sic] without a key now, it made me laugh because the final line points to his midsection and reads, "Thin Waist." That's one of the best super powers! Although he might lose it if New 52 Martian Manhunter discovers Oreos.

I'm sure there are vast vistas of uncharted technological territory still to discover thanks to the advent of cellphones but I think Periscope is the logical conclusion of social media and texting. Most people's lives are full of vast stretches of boredom punctuated by brief moments where survival instincts kick in and flood us with adrenaline, after which we proclaim we will no longer take anything for granted and will live every day as if it is our last and jump up on our desk and recite a fairly average poem. But soon enough, the long stretches of boredom will erode the feeling of living and we're forced to live vicariously through somebody else's life. Periscope is the perfect application for that! Now you never have to experience life through your own boring eyes! You can watch other people living life from the comfort of your own home! And the second best thing to viewing somebody else's experience through Periscope is Periscoping your own mundane existence so that it seems more exciting! "Look at me!" you say to all the viewers that missed you saying that because they were busy doing something else while you were Periscoping your profound experience feeding ducks.

Social media is just a place where we're all wasting our lives desperately trying to prove to everybody else that we're not wasting our lives.

Fuck you. This blog is different! Assholes.

I think that's enough words for looking down my nose and judging other people for this commentary. I should move on to judging Cullen Bunn's writing. How many comic books is he writing for DC now? Half of them? Plus about a dozen at Marvel and a few at Image? I don't usually trust aphorisms but I'm going to trust that "quality over quantity" is probably correct and most of what Cullen Bunn writes is hastily written garbage that even Hemingway wouldn't find worthy to shove into a short story.

This issue begins by proving that Twat Lobo is the manliest man in the universe because he just had sex with a vagina with two women attached to it.

Also, the women's right arms seem to be attached to their nipples.

The previous six issues have convinced readers that Twat Lobo is actually a pretty decent guy who wouldn't just blow up his own planet if he hadn't had his heart broken. Also it might not have been his fault but the fault of some Xrexian (ptui!) named The Pariah. Twat Lobo has no weaknesses at all, if you don't count his obsession with making up "rules" to follow based on the contracts he takes. My theory about Twat Lobo is overly complicated so I won't go into it. Also it's at the end of my review of Twat Lobo #6 if you're interested enough in reading even more words on the screen that you can be using right now to look at pornography or funny cat pictures. I would have used two other examples so that it seemed like I was making up a new joke there but, come on, we all know what the internet is really used for. The only things being read are headlines and the word "Submit" so that you know which button to click on after typing up an angry and poorly thought out rant in the comments section of the headline you just read. Do kids today even understand that headlines aren't the whole story? There are actually more words to read after the headline! It's called an article.

Twat Lobo's first Narration Box is this: "Typically, Geology is not a get-rich-quick science." Are you starting to see the value of the plot of land I've chosen for the Anti-Cullen Bunn Encampment? That's not a thought anybody but a lazy writer would ever have for any reason. Which means it's probably only ever been typed by Cullen Bunn and Ernest Hemingway. So, Geology isn't a get-rich-quick science, eh?! How about signing me up for one of them that is then! Woo-ee! We gonna git rich on one a dem sciences, boys! At first I uz all, "Yer crazy! Geology?! Dat ain't one of dem get-rich-quick sciences! We should maybe try dat dere Biology! Or Ornithology! But Geology?! I thought fer sure you'd gone round the bend! But when I read yer plan, I was all, 'Geology? More like OMGeology, amirite?!"

Now, maybe you're still over there stroking your genitals and hugging your Cullen Bunn comic books. Maybe you just figure I'm biased and an awful critic. Maybe you're Cullen Bunn's mom. What do I care? Like the guy! You can like whomever you want! I'm too busy hanging out in Powell's knocking Ernest Hemingway books out of people's hands and yelling, "NO! BAD READER! BAD!" I don't have a stake in whether Cullen Bunn makes a living off of comic books or not. But let me give you the second Twat Lobo Narration Box. And I'm going to repeat the first one so you get the flow. If it makes sense to you, good luck with you. We can part company now.

"Typically, geology is not a get-rich-quick science. Varnu Vain's the exception to that rule."

Before I move on, may I also point out that Geology is probably a pretty good science to go into if you want to make some bucks? I figure some major billion dollar corporations have a lot of well paid geologists on staff. Now imagine that we're not just talking about the resources that can be found on Earth but across the entire universe? Probably a lot of money to be made for scientists who know their mineral makeups of asteroids!

Maybe Cullen Bunn ends the Narration Boxing much better than he began it but that just shows he had a thought he wanted to write down but had no idea how to get to that thought. So he just began by typing whatever came to mind. Like that stupid line about geology, or some nonsensical bit about a variant cover to a comic book.

Twat Lobo has killed a bunch of people in the VIP Room at the club while waiting for Varnu.

The cartoon papers in the air due to the bodyguards fleeing so quickly pulls me right out of the story! Okay, fine. I was never really committed to the story due to my initial bias against Twat Lobo and Cullen Bunn anyway!

Twat Lobo wants Varnu because he's investigating the person who put out the contract on Earth and Czarnia. I thought Twat Lobo was going after the banker at the end of Issue #6 but since that was two months ago, DC assumes I'll just remember that he was going after the geologist hired to, I don't know, assess the makeup of the planet and mark it for demolition? I suppose it can be fixed in the Trade or else it'll read weird. Or maybe I should just assume that the banker didn't pay up (for the Czarnia job which Twat Lobo believes he's owed for because he destroyed it and not The Pariah) so now Twat Lobo is searching for other means to find the Contractor. Whatever the case, somebody doesn't want Twat Lobo to continue on this path because they blow the brains out of the head of the geologist. But they do it from the dance floor which will make it next to impossible for Twat Lobo to discover them!

It turns out to be a whole army of goggle wearing freaks in catcher's pads! Some of them have swords which is weird when the other ones have lasers. Why bother? If you don't have enough lasers for everybody, don't hire so many people! An electric sword is small consolation when you could have been given a Big Fucking Laser.

Twat Lobo spends the next couple of pages disemboweling and beheading and despleeninating the army of goons. Is this what DC Comics thinks made Real Deal Lobo so popular? The gruesome, gory, over-the-top murder of lots and lots of people without any sense of black humor, irony, or satire? I feel dirty just reading this book because it's obvious DC Comics wanted to make sure Lobo was cool for the current generation (which is how he became a Twat) which means they must think murder and gore for murder and gore's sake is what the kids today are really into. Who am I to argue? I'm a fucking dinosaur! This dope is whack!

Is Twat Lobo acknowledging that Real Deal Lobo is just his future self?! Am I reading this wrong (in much the same way I read everything incorrectly?! (Fuck you! Harvest is so Tim Drake!))!?

Twat Lobo finishes his Narration Boxing with "...or I'll get myself fragged right this very moment." See?! He says "fragged"! And he acknowledges that if he dies at this moment, he'll never become muscular and hairy. Which means he's eventually killed by himself but he probably didn't want to be old and hairy and not a Twat anyway. See? New Twat Lobo Theory!

Twat Lobo heads back to his motel room where he finds some spotty alien named Kadra and more goggle eyed army men waiting for him. She works for the top assassin's guild in the universe, The Void Whisper. They're the guild who all the assassins trying to destroy Earth worked for.

So the greatest assassin's guild in the universe takes on anonymous clients? As Twat Lobo said earlier, "That's a good way to make enemies!"

Obviously Kadra is lying because even Twat Lobo knows that you don't take contracts from unknown clients for unknown reasons simply for the money. You do your own research. So Kadra knows the person responsible for the Earth contract. She may not have learned that it was a game until later but she knows the person for whom her people were working. This is just another way to deal with Twat Lobo! And maybe get him to deal with a troublesome client. Let's not forget that it could also just be a lazy piece of writing to move Twat Lobo into position for Cullen Bunn's next story beat.

Maybe with this new information, Twat Lobo could even go back to Rhialla to find out who hired him to protect Earth. Maybe, with this information, I could even go back to Issue #1 and see if Rhialla mentioned the client! Probably not though since that would be confidential and the main reason why assassins would work through a middleman to do jobs for clients. Can't have the butcherers knowing the identities of the money men!

Twat Lobo figures that the Two-Torso'd Woman he was fucking sold him out to Kadra, so he plants a bomb in one of their mouths in his farewell kiss.

That's one good way to ensure that nobody will ever want to fuck rat on you again.

To get the information Twat Lobo needs, he isn't just going to work with Kadra to find out who hired the assassins. No, he's going to become her personal assistant. So basically he'll continue to be a bounty hunter but for a different employer. And he's got a quest to find out who wanted Czarnia destroyed. Oh! I know who! It was Real Deal Lobo and he did it because of low self-esteem problems and taking the whole "unique snowflake" culture to its extremely illogical end!

But I guess DC Comics has heard that genocide is bad and if they're going to have a palatable anti-hero, he's got to have not committed any genocide at all. At least not on purpose, I mean. Whew! Good thing because the only reason I could find not to like Twat Lobo was if he was a purposeful committer of genocide! Take that out of his back story and, BINGO!, likeable dude!

On Twat Lobo's first job for The Void Whisper, he tries to kill a guy that passes on warnings to The Void Whisper's marks for a price. An Alien Scorpion Space Tracker climbs out of the guy's eyeball before Twat Lobo can kill him. And then the issue ends with a Thanagarian, a Daemonite, and a Martian entering a church. Cullen Bunn doesn't even give us the punchline!

Twat Lobo #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. It has no personality. It's just a bad-ass guy that murders using bad-assery and then moves on to do more bad ass bad-assery. It's not bad ass. It's just bad.