Justice League #13

I feel like Wonder Woman should be immune from any type of mind-control while she holds her lasso.

Steve Trevor is tormented by Eclipso until he finally succumbs to the darkness.

What Did We Learn?
We learned that writers, especially comic book writers, tend to believe everybody has a dark side that they're barely keeping in check. Apparently we all want to slaughter everybody around us and drink their blood and dance in their spilled entrails. I would like to find this unbelievable because it's not something I believe. But then I see how quickly people are to anger and I think maybe there's something to it. If Eclipso were to turn me using the darkness in my own heart, he'd just have to get some piece of technology to fail me. He can just come up to me and say, "Can you print this for me using the wireless printer that's totally on the network and should only take a few clicks of the mouse?" Then I'd be all, "Sure!" Within minutes of the stupid thing telling me it can't find the printer or that the print job is spooling and spooling and fucking infinitely spooling, I'd be one of his pawns. Heck, even when I go to shut down my computer and I accidentally put it to sleep instead, I'd become Eclipsed! But I don't go around thinking I'd like to murder somebody just because they got my fast food order wrong at the drive-thru. Have you ever been to dinner with somebody who seems to be having a nice time and then some internal clock ticks past the exact second where they think they should have been served or waited on and they become inhuman monsters to the staff for the rest of the night? Those people deserve to be turned into Eclipsos and then murdered by Deadshot.

The Ranking!
-1! It's not a fucking Justice League story. It's a Steve Trevor story! And it casts him in an unsympathetic light. Oh, sure, he saves a bunch of people. But look at how he reacts to finding his niece and nephew Eclipsed:

Even if they can be cured, Trevor wants to kill them because he'll still have the memory of them being murderous little monsters! Fucking selfish bastard.

Aquaman #9

Maybe the Shaggy Man just needs a Snickers?

Hey! That's an idea! Has anybody tried giving Donald Trump a Snickers? Maybe he's just really hungry! If somebody gives him a Snickers, maybe he'll go back to the Trump who was pro-abortion and thought universal healthcare was a right of the people!

How bored must Donald Trump already be with all of this pre-presidential shit? He's like the football player who runs for Student Body President simply for the extra adulation and pussy but then ditches every student council meeting and completely ignores every single one of his duties.

Donald Trump is missing a grand opportunity. How can he not fill every cabinet position with reality television stars and aging child celebrities?! I'm so fucking disappointed in the loss of this potential New World Order!

Shit. I just realized The Shaggy Man isn't Donald Trump! I thought I was writing about the comic book already! The Shaggy Man Aquaman is fighting was created by Professor Ivo and not by Satan's jizz squirted into a bag of Cheetos and crumpled up dollar bills.

Aquaman tries to explain The Shaggy Man to Tula.

Aquaman: "It's like Doomsday! But worse!"
Tula: "Wait. How is it worse than Doomsday? Doomsday killed Superman!"
Aquaman: "Yeah, but Doomsday has to die to become resistant to the thing that killed him. The Shaggy Man just needs to be hurt by it and he's resistant!"
Tula: "But isn't The Shaggy Man a robot? Isn't it just a machine? How does that work?!"
Aquaman: "I have no idea! You just have to accept these things and live with them! Stop questioning the logic of our universe!"
Tula: "If this Shaggy Man is a real thing, what the fuck? How are people not rioting in the streets over planned obsolescence?! Why am I continually having to buy a new iPhone...I mean, uSphere every other year? Can't Professor Ivo make one from Shaggy Man technology?"
Aquaman: "I told you to stop questioning these things! The next thing you'll want to know is how I exist when Atlanteans and Land Dwellers have evolved into such obviously different species that my parents shouldn't have been able to produce offspring!"

How is Aquaman going to defeat The Shaggy Man?! Is he going to have to research every single thing the Justice League has ever done to it so as not to waste time attacking it in that manner? Or will he just get a bunch of comedians together by offering a job to punch up a script and then have them brainstorm ways to hilariously defeat an unbeatable foe? I bet The Shaggy Man has never slipped on a banana peel before! Or been told who is on first! Cream pie to the face? What if Aquaman forges an out of date Shaggy Man warranty card and then shows it to him? Also, there's probably a whole line of ACME products that nobody has tried.

No wonder Aquaman rarely uses his fish talking powers anymore! He's still traumatized by what Swamp Thing did to the dugongs he recruited to stop him!

Instead of helping Arthur, Mera is stuck answering an old lady's questions. Apparently it's more important to establish Mera's fitness to be queen than to help save the city or Amnesty Bay from The Shaggy Man. What an apt metaphor for traditions! They simply slow down progress and positive change to appease the older generations!

Murk tries to convince Aquaman that he can't defeat The Shaggy Man without the help of the Justice League, especially since he won't summon any innocent fish to assist him. But Aquaman has a plan! It's a crazy plan but it just might work! You always have to say a plan just might work so the audience knows it's risky and exciting instead of realizing that whatever it is, no matter how lame, it'll work because that's a pretty standard comic book contrivance. The hero must win eventually! Except in the rare cases where the hero doesn't win. But they eventually do win! You just can't ever stop reading in the middle of the story.

What is Aquaman's plan, you're wondering? Oh, let me tell you! But first, remember when I said this in my Aquaman #7 review: "The Justice League Identity Card is also a key to use the Watchtower Teleport System. That’s probably an important plot point that readers should remember for later." Well, it's time to remember that plot point! Which is why I wondered if you remembered the time I reminded you to later remember that plot point! Because Aquaman takes out his stupid Justice League Blockbuster Card which was such a stupid idea that I knew it had to be important later, and he activates the Justice League Watchtower Teleportation System!

Sure, at the time, I predicted maybe Manta might steal it. But I still knew something so stupidly obvious was going to be important!

The Shaggy Man (along with Aquaman's Justice League Identity Card!) is teleported into space where I'm sure he'll eventually meet up with Brainiac. Until then, the world is saved! By Aquaman's CostCo Discount Club Card!

The Ranking!
+0! I wonder how much Batman is going to charge Aquaman to replace his Justice League Identity Card?

Aquaman #8

Dammit! I forgot to photoshop a long, stringy fish poop coming out of Aquaman's butt!

The Commentary!
This issue begins strangely enough that I had to put it down for a few seconds. Thankfully taking that momentary respite helped me clear my head and I quickly realized what was happening. See, the first page of this issue has a woman with a drop cloth on her head and huge baggy sleeves standing in front of an upside down tower called the Tower of Widowhood. Her outfit is bizarre! The drop cloth on her head with the pull ropes probably serves some function but the huge, baggy sleeves? How do those function underwater? Shouldn't they be floating all around her face and getting in the way? Oh! They're probably weighted, right? I bet a lot of Atlantean clothing is weighted in the hems. Otherwise everybody in a dress would be walking around like Marilyn Monroe in that movie where you almost get to see her vagina!

I was thinking about starting a line of motivational YOLO posters. They would all have a black border around a picture with big white block letters in the lower band of black that read YOLO. The images on the first two posters would be the picture of Marilyn Monroe found dead in her bed and the picture of James Dean's crashed car. I'm not sure how they would be motivational but then I can't be responsible for every little thing! I'm the idea person! I need somebody else to deal with the spin, the angry reaction, the fallout, and procuring the papers for my eventual change of identity!

Before headphones and reading books were invented, this was a woman's go-to universal sign for "Leave me alone."

Oh! Before I got sidetracked, I was going to point out how I realized this first page was the beginning of the ritual to determine if Mera's vagina is good enough for the King's Penis. How could it not be?! Mera manipulates water! Imagine what she could do to a man's prostate with her super powers!

So Mera has to attend a secret meeting of elderly Atlantean widows to prove her worth. I bet there aren't any rituals at all! I bet they just go into the Tower of Widowhood, where men aren't allowed, and just talk shit about all the patriarchal fuckery that takes place in the kingdom. The Widows will probably serve tea and biscuits and tell Mera if she ever has an issue with Arthur, she can go to them and they'll create trouble for the king. Not young people trouble like vandalism and violence. Old people trouble like crashing their giant seahorses into the front window of convenience stores and "accidentally" urinating in public, preferably around the King's Palace. Eventually a widow close to the King, probably some kind of adviser or seer, will point out that all of his troubles began when he refused to let Mera do something, or treated her poorly, or wasn't satisfying her needs. Then he'll change his behavior and suddenly all of the old women will revert back to being decent, continent citizens.

Meanwhile, some rough beast stomps toward Atlantis to remind people that it was once born.

Aquaman tries communicating with the monstrosity using his fish talking super powers for the first time in many, many months. The creature punches him in the face. I think either Aquaman is out of practice and said something rude, or the beast is from Krypton and is just saying hello.

The monster takes damage from the Atlantean's laser guns but only the first time. After that, it's immune to them. Then it gets stabbed by Aquaman's trident but just once before it's immune to it. Oh! Oh! I know what this disgusting brown sludge covered in seaweed is! It must be Doomsday's poo!

While Aquaman is being killed, Mera is failing her Royal Wifely Duty Classes.

The real test is whether or not Mera finds saving her husband's life more important than some stodgy old traditions. My guess is she rushes out to save Aquaman and forfeits the marriage. That way, DC Comics has a plot driven reason for keeping the two unwed. And neither one will care because they'll be all, "We really love each other and we don't have to prove that to anybody!" Too bad. I wanted Mera to have an army of widows at her command.

After all of the mud and seaweed are knocked off the monster attacking Atlantis, Aquaman realizes it's The Shaggy Man. Yep. That's one of Amazo's robots! I think. It has all the same properties as Doomsday but it doesn't need to die after every injury to overcome the method of attack. Come to think of it, The Shaggy Man may as well have killed Superman! That probably would have made a better story than some unknown alien from space who just looks cool and has an apocalyptic name.

I bet The Shaggy Man has never been defeated by a giant hand of water stroking him off after which he'd fall into a deep sleep, right? Or is that how they captured him last time? Maybe Mera can do that prostate thing I mentioned earlier?

The Shaggy Man is headed for Amnesty Bay and Atlantis just happens to be in its path. So while Aquaman was just sort of casually concerned before that it might destroy Atlantis, he's suddenly terrified when he learns it might destroy the town where his dog is living! I bet Arthur defeats it by impaling it on his lighthouse. That's not a euphemism. Unless it got you excited reading it. Then I guess it's an inadvertent euphemism and you can jerk to it if you want.

The Ranking!
+0! I think with this biweekly schedule, every so often a writer just has to present a story that's mostly a fist fight with no real plot progression. That's going to get old quick, especially when they all take place about the same time as seems to be happening the last few weeks.

Aquaman #7

When is the last time Aquaman spoke to fish? Has DC Comics told writers to move away from that because too many people were making too many fish fucking jokes?

The Commentary!
• This issue begins by introducing (or re-introducing. What am I? An Aquaman historian? I'd rather be Cullen Bunn's masturbation sock) a bunch of Atlantean politicians or bureaucrats as they request meetings with Aquaman. For some reason, they're bothering Mera with these requests and not Aquaman's royal aide. I highly doubt that's an effective use of the fiance of the king's time.

• For some reason, Jurok Byss, Keeper of the Monsters, has a Cockney accent. How does that happen in Atlantis? Is he like Aquaman? Born on land and only recently returned to the sea? What are the chances a Cockney accent developed in Atlantis as well as in Britain? Do they also have rhyming slang?! I wonder if there's a sea creature that rhymes with barn owl?

• Instead of meeting with the jerks who want to use up all of his free time, Aquaman decides to show Mera his Justice League Identity Card. Are those really necessary? This was Lex Luthor's idea, wasn't it? And I bet Batman was all, "Oh, hey! That's a great idea! Maybe we should also have a Justice League VIP Area for members worth billions of dollars!" Then he and Lex fist bumped and bro chest banged and said the secret rich man phrase which is...oh no! I'm not going to spill the beans. I've spilled enough beans in my life. Although if somebody wants to send me the secret rich man phrase in a private message, I'll send it back to you and we can be best friends!

• The Justice League Identity Card is also a key to use the Watchtower Teleport System. That's probably an important plot point that readers should remember for later. I bet somemanta steals it later!

• After getting the pertinent plot point foreshadowing out of the way, Aquaman decides to do some kingly business and meet with people of lesser stature so he can put them in their places.

Ha ha! Get out of here, you racist! Come back after you've tried being a Werewolf for a week!

• Aquaman eschews the bureaucratic nonsense in order to speak with Murk. I hope I used eschew right! If it's a sex word, I apologize to my younger readers for destroying their innocence! If it's not, I apologize to everybody else for using it incorrectly!

• Murk has returned from the scene of the Pontchartrain sinking where he discovered a whole bunch of clues as to who sank it!

Oh come on! If surface dwellers wanted it to look like Atlanteans did this, they would have "deliberately placed" helmets that weren't fitted with scuba gear! So it's obvious that rogue Atlanteans deliberately placed these modified helmets to make it look like surface dwellers were trying to make it look like Atlanteans were behind the attack! Duh!

• Unless of course that means...no, you know what? There's no reason to go spiraling into crazy logic time. In this case, it's obvious that the obvious is too obvious to be that obvious! In conclusion, it was definitely Atlanteans who attacked the ship! Unless Dan Abnett just assumed readers of Aquaman comics are complete morons. Then maybe I should take this scene at face value and believe that the attackers who planted material to make people think one thing fucked up and planted material that would reveal it was a total con job.

• Meanwhile in Venice, Black Manta lets the other members of N.E.M.O. know that he's now The Fisher King and he'll be their leader, no matter how fucking ridiculous he looks in that stupid helmet and skin tight body suit. Some people don't like the idea and Manta kills them. He should have also declared, while stabbing them in their revolting (double meaning!) faces that N.E.M.O. now stands for "Never Eschew Manta's Orders!" I guess then it would be N.E.M.O!, right?

• Aquaman, using the clues he got from Murk, decides to ask a Deluge prisoner if the Deluge were behind the attack. See?! He came to the same conclusion I came to! That it must have been disgruntled Atlanteans who staged the attack! Which is worrying because it means I'm thinking like Aquaman! Now I'm worried I might stick my dick in a fish tank.

• The Deluge prisoner is all, "I may be a murderer and a killer and a racist, but I'm not a liar!" Then he calls Aquaman a half-breed which is a lot like Republican Talking Heads calling Obama a thug. Actually, it's not quite as bad because we all know that thug is now the acceptable way to say nigger. Or at least racists think they're talking in code when they say thug. It's like stoners who still think 420 is a clever way to identify themselves as boring assholes.

• Rath, the Deluge prisoner, says everything he does is in the name of Atlantis. He refuses to follow the orders of a "half-breed" king because, I guess, he feels it weakens Atlantis. But then he's happy to hear that somebody is using the name of the Deluge to try to start a war between the surface world and Atlantis. Wouldn't that be harmful to Atlantis? If he's pro-Atlantis and not just anti-Aquaman, why would he want a war that could bring so much death and destruction to his precious city? The only reason he wants a war is so that the Deluge can blame Obamaman for doing a poor job. He and the Deluge don't give a shit for Atlantis. Some patriot!

• Rath eventually admits he would help stop a war that might hurt Atlantis but he doesn't know anything. He does admit to Aquaman that he doesn't like him because he doesn't value the traditions of Atlantis. I can see that point being that Aquaman is from the surface world. He might be half-Atlantean, but he certainly doesn't know much about Atlantean traditions. He should probably make a concerted effort to immerse himself in the lore and traditions of Atlantis before simply shrugging them all aside and declaring they're stupid because he has no connection to them. He really hasn't tried to fit in, has he?

• As you can tell from my use of the word "Obamaman", you can tell that this interaction between Rath and Arthur is heavily influenced by the way some conservatives seem to have a ready criticism for anything Obama does, especially the talking heads who make a shit ton of money from this viewpoint who then convince their audience of the same things. But in this case, Rath does have a point. He makes it poorly by calling Arthur a half-breed since that points out that possibly the only reason the Deluge hate him is because of his parentage. But the bigger point obfuscated by the racial hatred is that Aquaman doesn't really know much about the traditions of Atlantis and he doesn't seem to have much time for learning about them. He spends most of his time on the surface world with the Justice League. Arthur could make a lot of headway by showing that he's trying to fit in with their traditions. It looks like he might soon insist on Mera going through the ceremonial ritual of proving she's a worthy Xebel. Even though that seems pretty racist and misogynist. Maybe he could start with something less icky.

• Mera actually decides she wants to go through the rituals. That probably makes it less icky. Plus, I mean, when has Mera ever been defeated by anything? I just hope one of the challenges isn't the Challenge of the Clitoridectomy! Judging by Mera's casual attitude to the potential rituals, I have a feeling they might not be far off from my disgusting joke.

• N.E.M.O. is behind the attack on the Portwhatever. Why did the battleship have to have such a foreign name?! I can hardly spell "foreign"! How am I supposed to spell that other thing?! America should really stick to more American sounding battleship names. Like the USS Hotdog or the USS Loveless Marriage or the USS Dirty Sanchez. To keep Arthur from discovering their organization, Black Manta has decided to unleash a distraction! He's either going to question Aquaman's birth certificate or unleash one of Professor Ivo's robots on Atlantis.

• Aquaman continues his investigation using informants and resources he's gathered over his short New 52 career. He reaches out to Reagan and Arni, FBI Agents who are total fangenders of his. They have information about the underground world of ocean scavenging that might help lead him to whoever destroyed that battleship with the complicated French name. He's all, "This is Aquaman! I need you!" And Reagan is all, "It's true! He can cause floods!"

• N.E.M.O. unleashes some gigantic, monstrous underwater Incredible Sea-Thing. Remember that part about me not being an Aquaman scholar?! I don't know what this thing is! But apparently it used to live in Atlantis before it was buried for its own good. And by "its own good," I actually mean the good of everybody else, probably. So I don't know why I said the first thing. I should try to write more clearly.

The Ranking!
+1! Aquaman is a stupid hero but Dan Abnett is doing a good job telling the story of a stupid hero. So I don't mind reading this!

Aquaman #2

I think I almost want to kiss Aquaman here.

The Review!
My first thought with Aquaman's first Rebirth story was that it was once again going to be more of the same with that idiot Black Manta. Kill, kill, murder, murder, kill, vengeance, murder. But what Dan Abnett takes the reader's expectation of what a Black Manta story is and turns it on its stupid, oval, big red eyed head. It's probably that I really wound up enjoying this story because it paralleled all of my feelings on the character of Black Manta. He has defined himself through vengeance which is never a good thing because what is there after that's done? It's not like he was also taking courses to be a structural engineer on his downtime. Although he somehow has access to great technology, so maybe engineering and electronics was his back-up plan? Aquaman once went through an intense and boring and really poorly written therapy session in a four issue mini-series in the eighties where he got a new costume printed with blue wavy lines. Now it's time for Black Manta's therapy session. I'm not sure Aquaman is qualified to give counseling but it seems to work out anyway. And since he says a lot of the stuff to Black Manta that I've been saying, I have to admit he's pretty good at! A surprisingly good read considering Aquaman's name is on the cover and it's yet another fucking Black Manta out to get even story!

The Commentary!
Black Manta and Aquaman have the most intimate relationship of any two characters in DC's universe. You don't kill somebody's father without feeling forever connected to that person, especially when that person also killed your father. It's like a pretzel of patricide. I wonder if Pretzel of Patricide is a position in the Kama Sutra?

Aquaman has moved on with his life because he killed Black Manta's dad after Black Manta killed Aquaman's dad. So Aquaman was all, "Case closed!" He then slapped his hands together, rubbed them for a bit, and then walked off imagining the closing credits. But he should have stuck around because their was a scene after the credits of Black Manta shaking his fist and screaming, "AAAAAAQQQQUUUUUUAAAAAAMMMMMMAAAAAANNNNN!" So now it's time for Aquaman 2: The Constant and Perpetual Return of Black Manta!

Last issue ended with Mera being harpooned in the chest, Spindrift Station being flooded, and Aquaman about to be murdered by Black Manta. Except that Black Manta's plan isn't to kill Aquaman, so that probably wasn't as tense a cliffhanger as it could have been. Black Manta wants to make Aquaman a laughingstock. Wait. Isn't Aquaman already a laughingstock?

This issue begins by reminding everybody that Black Manta's story of vengeance was once also the story of Arthur's vengeance. But once Arthur got vengeance, he moved on. He dropped Manta's dad's lifeless corpse to the deck of the ship and was all, "Well, we're all done here! Everything's square! Even Stephen! You agree, right?" But instead of Black Manta thinking, "Arthur killed my dad because I killed his dad! So now I need to kill his dad which I already did! So...oh! I get it! I should probably move on now, maybe get some therapy or something," Black Manta thought, "Arthur killed my dad for no reason! Ew! I'm going to kill his fiance! And maybe pee in his face!"

Black Manta has also decided to blow up the Atlantean Embassy.

He sure planted a lot of bombs in a little time!

With the building exploding around him and a harpoon sticking through his shoulder, Aquaman decides it's time to have a therapeutic talk with Manta.

Aquaman: "Have you ever considered this anger toward me has more to do with unresolved issues surrounding the relationship with your father?!"
Black Manta: "Of course I have unresolved issues about that! They might be resolvable if you hadn't killed him!"
Aquaman: "Oh yeah! But, um, this is stupid! You killed somebody I loved! I killed somebody you loved! It's like a mathematical equation! It's balanced on both sides of the murder!"
Black Manta: "I'll murder your face!"

I should hope so! That's a pretty huge mistake! "Ugh! If I knew you were going to be so angry and keep trying to kill me, I never would have done it!"

That revelation by Aquaman made me laugh out loud! I don't think that's the reaction Abnett was going for!

Black Manta responds to Aquaman's statement by saying, "Too late for remorse." Really, Manta? You took that as a try at showing remorse? It was so obviously just an expression of irritation with the consequences of killing your dad! Aquaman doesn't feel bad at all! He got his vengeance and now part of that is keeping you from getting yours!

On the next page, Aquaman assures Black Manta that he has no remorse for killing Manta's dad. What kind of therapy is this, Aquaman?! Piss Manta off until he has a breakthrough and falls crying into your arms?

I hope somebody called Amanda Waller during the fight.

After quite a bit of fighting and talking, Aquaman has Black Manta at the end of his trident. He points out that he can kill Black Manta to end the cycle and it would absolutely save lives. But Black Manta is all, "You kill me and you lose! Everybody sees you're a murderer! I win! If you don't kill me, I will eventually kill you! I win! I win all the ways!" Aquaman lowers his trident and begins to pout instead of pointing out that if he kills Black Manta, he will be able to rewrite history and spin the story to his advantage! Without Black Manta to dissent (because he's dead!), Aquaman can just tell the press that Manta was a maniac who killed Arthur's father and, for some reason, continued to harass and attack him. It's not anybody would ever know the truth since nobody knows Black Manta's identity! And they won't ever know it after Aquaman calls a few Great Whites in to devour all traces of him.

Instead, Aquaman hands Black Manta his trident and says all the things that I've been screaming at Black Manta for years!

Get your own damn life and motivations, you moron! Stop letting your father's death define you!

Black Manta finally has his breakthrough and collapses crying! Holy shit! Aquaman's therapy works! Aquaman apologizes for killing Black Manta's father and the scene ends. I imagine Aquaman is also going to have to apologize for having called Amanda Waller and sending Manta back to Belle Reve.

On his way to Belle Reve, Black Manta is freed by some woman with idiotic headgear with a leather fetish.

Sinestro #23

"Let them use cock rings!" -- Famous French Clueless Royal Person Who Gave Out Free Cock Rings and Sparked a Revolution. Seriously. I would tell you to Wiki it but, I mean, someone probably accidentally deleted the entry or something. That's why I don't remember his name. He was an interesting figure because he thought no matter how little the people had, sexual pleasure could make up for most of life's disappointments. But he failed to take into account that most of the poor, unwashed masses he was tossing the cock rings to didn't have any sexual prospects. These losers were already really angry about how life was not only violent and hopeless but it was also withholding from them one of the few things even animals seemed to enjoy willy-nilly. Putting a cock ring in their hands just exacerbated the problem and it wasn't long before royalty, leaders, good looking guys, and fit women who said no were getting their dicks and vaginas chopped off in the public square. It was a time of great unrest although Fedora manufacturers and sellers made a killing.

The Review!
I should probably put this review behind a pay wall so that Cullen Bunn doesn't accidentally see it and get butt hurt over people having opinions! I can see why he would get upset about my reviews of his work though because my opinions are so close to facts as to be indistinguishable. Was that sentence okay? Did I need a "from them" at the end of it? Why do words and sentences have so many rules? No wonder Cullen Bunn has trouble writing! I wish my Writing Assistant and Editor and Run To The Shop To Buy Sandwiches Boy, Pickle Boy, were still around to fix my writing mistakes. But no! He's gone off to have a family and live a life and grow old and have enough money for a funeral and a grave. What a show off! So now I have to try to make fun of Cullen Bunn's ability to write with a poorly executed and hardly refined writing style! It makes me look like a fucking joke, Pickle Boy! How dare you leave me! Why did you leave me when I needed you the most?! I'm so hungry for a sandwich!

The Commentary!
This issue begins with Sinestro thinking about things that never existed before this moment because they didn't exist before this moment. But now Sinestro needs to make some kind of point about life or something, so now New Korugar is a really harsh place to live. Before now, the Korugarians just wandered around the rocks pissing on Sinestro's reputation. But now they're all running about wildly while a massive dust storm rages around them and the shelters they are not in. Sinestro calmly watches them from a cliff protected in a yellow bubble with his motivational plot device and vagina, Lyssa. Not once does he think, "I guess I don't really fucking care about my people, do I? Has relying on a woman who sees the future crippled my ability to have any insight into my own self? Am I incapable of admitting that I made a mistake seeking out the last of my people? Being angry and a victim seemed like such a good idea at the time but now I'm burdened with a responsibility I never wanted. I just wanted people to not only stop criticizing me but to also maybe praise me for my compassion! By the way, remember to look up 'compassion' in the dictionary to see if I'm doing it right." I suppose this all makes sense because Sinestro is a serious Type-A Personality Dickfuck and will always be a Type-A Personality Dickfuck. He thinks anything he does is the absolutely right thing that should have been done and anybody who disagrees with him is a dumb cunt with delusions of rationality.

Oh! Excuse me! I meant a "dumb barn owl with delusions of rationality." I forget that some people have problems with words but they don't mind if I replace that word with an innocuous word but still infuse it with all the same meaning of the original word. Mostly because not many people know that when I say "barn owl", I really mean "cunt". Most of the time. The other night while driving to one of the stores I clean at about eleven at night, a huge bird swooped down and landed in the opposite lane. I slowly passed by and it was a barn owl just calmly looking at me. You shouldn't read the barn owl in that anecdote as a secret code! I don't think.

Sinestro believes he is making his people strong by making them suffer. Remember that part where I mentioned he was a Type-A Personality Dickfuck? Yeah. Anyway, his people are going to really grow strong in adversity soon because the Red Lanterns are on their way to shit lava and vomit blood all over New Korugar. Oh! I think this story is an allegory about Cullen Bunn and his time at DC Comics!

Soranik takes a bunch of Yellow Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn and meets a bunch of Red Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn to fight in space so a bunch of Lanterns whose names I've never cared to learn die.

The fight doesn't last ten years because Geoff Johns isn't writing it. It only lasts a page or two because this is the last issue and Cullen Bunn needs to pack. Besides, the whole point of the fight is to get some terraforming thing that I didn't remember the Red Lanterns had so that Sinestro can prove that he finally looked up compassion in the dictionary.

Ugh! I like him better when he's the hero of his own delusional story and just a Type-A Personality Dickfuck in everybody else's.

The book ends with Lyssa telling Sinestro that she still sees the future that sucks hard. Sinestro is all, "Shucks! I brought order to the entire universe and nothing wrong is happening anywhere in it because of me and my greatness but now something is coming to destroy all of my hard work that didn't seem that hard when you think about it like maybe I didn't actually do what I like to think I did? Anyway, I guess I have to end my story for now with the most cliché ending where I hint at drama and tension and Armageddon to come just as the story ends with the word 'end' followed by a question mark. Get it?! It's like, 'Is the story really over?! Who knows?!'"

Titans Hunt #8

At first I thought there were two Nightwings on the cover. Now I'm positive there are two Nightwings on the cover.

The Review or Whatever!
I don't understand why I've been so disappointed with Titans Hunt. How can a person be disappointed by a team of superheroes that they've never really liked before? I suppose I still have some vestigial feelings left over from thinking that maybe I liked the Teen Titans back in the 1980s. That was also when I learned the word "vestigial" so I might be using it incorrectly. At the beginning of the 1980s, I was listening to Lionel Richie and Billy Joel. By the end of the 1980s, I was listening to Slayer and Metallica. I blame that on picking up my sister's Blizzard of Ozz tape and listening to it over and over and over again. Maybe that wouldn't have stuck so much if not for also liking a girl who I thought liked Alice Cooper but then finding out she didn't really know anything about his music after I discovered I couldn't get enough of it. Also it was junior high and high school and I was looking for a way to not be bothered by anybody ever and it seemed being into metal was a good way disappear into the background. Also, have you listened to Mr. Crowley? How could you not become an instant fan of Ozzy Osbourne after listening to that song? Although even in the late 1980s after my transformation, I'd still punch a bitch in the throat if they talked over Lionel Richie's "Hello".

The one thing I can't figure out about Titans Hunt? Whose dad is Mister Twister? He must be the father of one of these Teen Titans because the only time they get into huge conflicts is when their parents come to town. Okay, sometimes they have to battle their children from the future too. But mostly it's their father or some other close relative. One day, Trigon will wander in from Azarath or wherever to punch them all in the junk, the next day, it'll be Douchéstork the Terminator. Then a few days after that, Mento flips the fuck out before everybody has to rush off to Tamaran to beat down Starfire's sister. Then Donna Troy's foster family begins coming around looking for handouts before Cyborg's grandparents come around and...oh, you know what! Cyborg's grandparents never caused any trouble! Way to go, Cyborg, for having dead parents and cool grandparents! You were the best Titan of all!

So will the big reveal in this issue be that Mister Twister is Bumblebee's estranged father? Probably!

When did Second Nightwing get Laser Eyes?

Mister Twister doesn't seem to be the main enemy. He's the John the Baptist to the evil fuck's Jesus. I don't yet know who the evil fuck is but I'm guessing, as you may have guessed, that it's one of the Titans' mothers or fathers or second cousins twice-removed, whatever that means. I think what that means is a cousin you can do oral with.

The Teen Titans need to rally together to stop Mister Twister's plan from working so Nightwing comes up with one: semantics! They'll defeat Mister Twister with semantics! If he can only open the portal because the Teen Titans remember being the Teen Titans, then they'll point out that they aren't teens anymore! They're adults! They have new names even! So how can they still be used to open the portal when they aren't called Speedy or Robin or Wondergirl or the fish guy anymore?!

Garth? I think you mean Second Nightwing.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd enjoy comic books more if I were less cynical and more earnest. But then I remember how much I love cynically reading comic books and pointing out how stupid they are. Not that the Titans winning a battle by pointing out they've changed their names isn't the most amazing thing I've ever read! Because it's, like, a metaphor or something! It's so powerful! It's like Dick Grayson isn't a little boy anymore. He's all grown up and better than Batman and he's had sexual relationships and everything! I think this is like that moment in It when all the little kids have sex so that they can escape from the innocence of their childhood which was what made them victims in the first place. Except it's less gross!

But apparently the kids need everybody to understand the power of semantics! And too bad for them, they still have that big dope Hawk on their team!

Say you're Monarch, Hawk! Tell him about how you're Monarch!

Dove should choose her words more carefully because she's encouraging Hawk not to fight in the panel above. It's not like he can see her punctuation.

Hawk remembers that Mister Twister killed the original Dove so he flips the fuck out and tears a hole in Mister Twister's chest cavity. The Titans kick the crap out of him like they're fans at a soccer game cheering on their home team by putting a fan of the other team into the hospital. Whatever Mister Twister was summoning (it looks like a gigantic, other-dimensional spider, so I think bringing up It earlier was apt) begins coming through the portal. But Lilith casts a spell and Gnaark feeds Mister Twister to it, and it retreats back to its dimension. I don't know why the thing looked like a spider. Shouldn't it have looked like a big naked blue guy with a flaccid pecker?

The issue ends with the Titans suggesting they reform and with a mystery! The mystery is who was the missing Titan since Mister Twister mentioned ten Titans and there were only ten of them. But Bumblebee didn't count for some reason! I think because she was from Titans West or something. Anyway, Dick only brings it up so everybody can say, "Oh yeah! When are they going to remember Wally?!" Otherwise nobody would have even thought Bumblebee wasn't one of the ten Mister Twister mentioned since she had powers and was obviously a Titan of some kind or other.

Action Comics #52

Why do the police still hate Superman?

The Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "The Great Pretender" because Superman is a big phony. Unless it's Wonder Woman who is the big phony because she's pretending she still loves Superman just because he's dying. It's also possible the pretender is Impostor Superman. That seems too straightforward though, right?!

Before I start scanning a few panels in which Dale Eaglesham really worked long and hard on Wonder Woman's tits (I mean, seriously, they're perfect!), I want to discuss a serious problem I have. I currently have forty unread comic books in the stack on top of Rebirth #1. That means I've got at least two weeks (and probably three!) until I get to it. There's no way I'm going to avoid spoilers for that long! Especially when people seem to think that I read every comic book as soon as it hits the shelves at 11 in the morning Pacific Time! How hard is it to understand that I read the comic book as I write the commentary? So if you want to know if I've read a book yet, check the fucking index on my home page! It's not like these "reviews" read like I've already read the comic book and thoughtfully considered the themes and changes in character! When have I ever written anything scholarly on any of these stupid funny books? I think it's fairly obvious from reading any one of my "reviews" that I'm actually reading the comic book as I'm writing the stupid thing. How can people not notice that?! Did they all score First Grade Level on their Reading Comprehension Tests?!

See? It's digressions like that which keep me from reading more than maybe two comic books per day! And I need to read at least that many just to keep up from week to week! But then I go away for a weekend or wind up doing my civic duty while also still working and I miss reading comic books for three or four days so then I'm even further behind! I wish I had that Fermata power! Although I'd probably just use it to molest people on public transportation as well instead of doing any actual work.

I wonder what the current generation would think of Nicholson Baker's The Fermata. On one hand, it's a book about a guy who constantly sexually assaults strangers. But on the real hand (which is the thematic hand and the one which needs a reading comprehension greater than that of a first grader), it's really about writers and writing. I suppose it could be about any profession but since Baker is a writer (who is also a writer's writer, if that's a thing. Is that a thing?), The Fermata is only about writing. If you think differently, you're probably wrong.

Um, so, Impostor Superman is currently trying to get into Lois's yoga pants.

Oh! Oh! I think I know his secret!

Hmm. I was wrong. His secret wasn't his cock.

For the first time ever, Clark White appears in one of New 52 Superman's books! That's probably not a good sign for New 52 Superman. Clark White lives in Salinas, California, which is where John Steinbeck lived! I've been in his house! I saw where he spent hours at his typewriter practicing writing because he wanted to be a writer! I kind of felt like the tour guide was rubbing it in a little bit. Who spends that much time practicing writing?! Not a Writer with a capital "W"! Who needs to practice?! Steinbeck should have been more like Hemingway and just declared he was going to be a great writer and then write a bunch of shit that people think is great because Hemingway said he was a great writer. This is probably where I point out that I have never read anything by Hemingway and so don't actually know what I'm talking about. But I have read everything by Steinbeck (except maybe Travels With Charlie because I was disappointed Charlie wasn't a cat), so I can probably safely say that Steinbeck was a way better writer than Hemingway! Hell, Gertrude Stein was a better writer than Hemingway and she was a shitty writer on purpose!

Impostor Superman's secret is Clark White. So it kind of is a cock! Har har! The only secret I want to know about is the name of Clark White's cat. Why do they mention the dog is named Ranger but nobody thinks to identify the cat?! I hope it's name is Streaky. Impostor Superman starts a fight with Clark White before the cat is introduced.

Meanwhile, New 52 Superman can't die fast enough. Just die already! Everybody thinks he's dying of Kryptonite Poisoning but I know what he's really dying from. He's got Lobdellitis. He's been too tainted by shitty Lobdell story lines. There's not saving him. The only way to return any dignity and respect to the character is to destroy this version of him and never speak of it again.

The New 52 Trinity notice the action in Salinas as they fly back from China and stop to check it out. New 52 Superman meets Clark White for the first time but it's a short meeting because Clark has to go rush his wife, kid, dog, and cat to safety. That leaves New 52 Superman and his friends to deal with Impostor Superman who thinks he's about to join the Justice League.

I guess I'll read the rest of The Final Days of Superman out of order because I just want to see Superman die already!

Black Canary #11

Is the cover supposed to look scuffed or did I just get a shitty copy?!

The Review or Whatever!
In this issue, Black Canary fights a vampire or something. It doesn't go well and she winds up alone and unloved with a katana sticking through her. Although Ditto shows up to tell her that she's never been alone or some syrupy bullshit. This just feels like a story desperately searching for an ending in the small amount of time it has left. And this review is desperately searching for a way to not have to go any further than this sentence.

The Flash #50

Come on, DC. The Flash should at least make the cover of his own comic book.

The Review
The Flash is still considered a bad guy because The Riddler is apparently such a genius that he manipulated all of the time travel events in such a way that it turned everybody against The Flash. Or maybe he's just decided to take advantage of the fact that Captain Frye is a huge idiot and doesn't know the difference between criminals and heroes. I realize that line is super fuzzy in the DC You (and possibly other comic book universes but these commentaries don't focus on those universes). This comic book is still bad and relies on tired plot points and stupid readers. I may be stupid in a lot of ways but I'm not a Stupid Comic Book Reader at all! I'm a Grand Master Comic Book Reader and I declare this is a terrible comic book.

The Commentary
I have a feeling I'm going to be buying a lot more comic books than usual in May thanks to some of these titles being so far behind. Issue #50 on April 28th?! Looking up the release dates of the last two issues of PreRebirth Flash comic books, I see another one is due next week and Issue #52 is due the day Rebirth begins. I suppose that'll be the same for all of the other books that are way behind, like Justice League and Batgirl and Black Canary and Cyborg. Although maybe Black Canary and Cyborg have caught up by now. And also, they don't have the same amount of pressure on them as the comics that need to get their 52nd issue published, so maybe they'll just wrap up whenever. Not that it matters to me since Cyborg really could have wrapped up before it even started. Such a boring comic book!

When we last left The Flash, Central City's Police Department was acting like it was Backwards Law Day. They decided The Flash needed to be arrested while they began paying known criminals to help catch The Flash. I get that superhero comic books have been published for so long that there just aren't many new stories to tell, especially if the writer isn't very imaginative, but can we stop writing this story about how the law turns against the good guys so desperately that they ignore all the wrongdoing super villains have done? From now on, when a writer walks into a pitch meeting and says one of the following, I would like the editors to just shoot them in the head:

"Get this...the superhero loses all of her powers!"
"Imagine, if you can, the superhero...is framed by the bad guy and everybody loses trust in him!"
"You're going to call me crazy, but how about this for the next Superman story: he faces an alien that is more powerful than he is!"
"The theme of our Wonder Woman run will be how Wonder Woman has time for both a social life and a working life! Plus she should be seen in the shower a lot!"
"The hero falters but the people rise up to do the heroes job and the hero acknowledges that we are all the hero!"
"I don't know if this has ever been done but how about a Justice League story where they're beaten down for four issues and then, in the fifth issue, they rise up and win the day through sheer force of forcefulness!"
"What if we have some thing...I don't know what to call it...maybe a crisis? And it will involve all of the heroes and change continuity in critical ways and maybe renumber the comic books too!"
"Have we ever considered lobbying congress to demand a law be passed that forces people to buy our products the way that Obamacare forces people to buy corporate insurance or face severe tax penalties? Fucking geniuses, those guys!"

There are hundreds more like the story where a bad guy kills a female second cousin of the protagonist and the protagonist has grief. Or the one where the female hero is raped by the bad guy and experiences grief. Or the one where the male protagonist's mother is raped and killed so that the male protagonist grieves. Or the one where the sidekick is killed so that Batman gets a chance to grieve.

How about telling your aunt to stop publishing untrue articles about how dangerous The Flash is when all of the death and destruction was caused by other people. She's a lousy fucking reporter.

Iris is on scene as The Flash is arrested to ask Captain Frye one question: "What the hell are you doing?" Am I wrong? Did I remember things incorrectly? Didn't Iris write an article with a headline that was like and probably not exactly "FLASH: MENACE OR BIGGER MENACE?!" which questioned the safety of The Flash operating in Central City after the police headquarters were destroyed? I suppose if she did, it was enough issues in the past that nobody is going to read this bit about Iris and think, "What a fucking hypocrite she is!"

Meanwhile, The Trickster reports back to his new boss who I guessed was Ron Howard with Heat Wave in a fish tank. But judging by his green suit and gloves, it's obviously The Riddler with Heat Wave in a fish tank. He has plans to take over Central City in the same way that he could never take over Gotham. But first he had to get the law to turn against The Flash which was totally easy because he lives in the DC Universe where everybody simultaneously hates and loves superheroes, depending on which way the plot needs them to feel.

Flash's dad calls in a favor to help his son break out of prison before he gets unmasked. That means Girder and Overload take a hit on their sentences simply to help out. Maybe they're good guys too and I didn't realize it because of Central City's Backwards Law Day.

This is another horrible comic book trope. If there's a power outage, all of the prisoners go free because DC Prisons can't afford manual locks or electronically controlled locks that simply remain locked if the power goes out.

The Flash saves all of the cops and prison guards before Overload causes a massive explosion. This brings us to the next example in what seems to be a comic book meant to showcase lazy plotting: Captain Frye once again trusts The Flash because The Flash saved his life. I mean, The Flash saved his life when the Police Department exploded as well but I guess that was just normal Flash saving lives life saving. This was extenuating circumstances Flash saving lives where he saves the lives of people actively incarcerating him for no fucking good reason at all.

Flash now has to stop a massive prison break and riot at Iron Heights because that's just a thing that heroes have to deal with now that cell doors can't seem to stay locked. But at least maybe Iris will write an article with a new headline: FLASH CAUSES PRISON RIOT WHILE ESCAPING CUSTODY! Hmm, maybe that isn't the direction she should go with this story.

Flash saves all of the guards but doesn't attempt to stop the inmates himself since they're stuck on an island for a bit. I mean, the ones who can't fly are. Unless they pay the ones who can fly to fly them off. Anyway, forget about the prison! It doesn't matter anymore. It's time for The Flash to battle the Rogues again because Captain Frye hasn't had the chance to tell them they've been fired. Although if they can save his life, maybe he'll rehire them and begin mistrusting The Flash once more.

It's during the battle that The Riddler makes his big reveal and explains his motivations. You see, he noticed The Flash has never been beaten and he wanted to take a crack at beating him. Christ, Enigma. You're supposedly super smart but you can't figure out that there are cities in the world that don't have resident superheroes? You couldn't beat Batman who has no superpowers so you decide to go against the one that has arguably the greatest super power of all? You really are a delusional megalomaniac!

The backup story is about Wally West playing dodge ball but I stopped reading it when it was revealed the fat kid's nickname was Chunk. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen.

I lied! I kept reading it! But then I stopped when it was revealed the red headed kid is a mean bully. Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

Okay, I lied again! The story is about Wally West meeting a future dead version of himself who time traveled to explain the changes Wally's body has been going through. Do I even need to say it a third time? Yes, yes I do! Simply because it feels good! Go fuck yourself, Van Jensen!

I probably shouldn't be writing such mean things to my theoretical best friend Van Jensen (according to Facebook in which we share one friend in common!) but The Flash really has been terrible with all of this time travel stuff. Van Jensen is at least acknowledging that it's a bunch of bullshit when he has time traveling Wally West say, "Time travel, dude. Don't even get me started." It's possible all of this time travel crap was editorially mandated because Brian Cunningham has a sexual fetish for horribly contrived time travel stories. Also he might just find the time travel stuff the most fascinating thing about The Flash. It's actually the worst thing. Even DC themselves tried to stop all of that bullshit with Flashpoint and The New 52 and putting a moratorium on time travel. But that didn't last because horrible writers decided it was still okay to have people time travel from different non-Flashpoint timelines into the Flashpoint timeline. Those horrible writers were Fabian Nicieza, Scott Lobdell, and Tom DeFalco. Also possibly others.

Detective Comics #50

This gives me a great idea for an installation in downtown Portland!

Rating: Does it even matter at this point? I rate this issue a "Well, fuck it. Rebirth and renumbering are coming soon! Enjoy whatever the hell is left of the DC Youniverse, assholes!"

Batman must hate bullet points, right? Well, fuck you, Batman! Bullet point time!

Although this is James Gordon's Batman and James doesn't have an aversion to guns. At least not before he became Batman and suddenly he had to use a gun that shoots Batarangs. Remember those guns we had in the seventies that shot little discs out of it? Nowadays people might think those are too dangerous for kids to play with but it's not like they were proper choking hazards. The discs had lots of holes in them so you could breathe through them when they lodged in your throat.

This was the best toy ever! Kids today are pussies because their toy guns only shoot Nerf discs and at a much lower velocity than these discs traveled. Also they probably have to wear helmets when shooting Nerf discs at each other. And they probably have to be supervised by at least one parent (of every child! You're an irresponsible parent if you trust your child's safety to another parent). It's not the fault of the kids that they're pussies today. It's the kids of my generation who became overprotective parents that have turned the world into a giant game of Bumper Bowling.

Okay, I think I said something about Bullet Points earlier! Here we go!

• Commissioner Batman is currently hunting a killer who dresses up in historical costumes to murder people also dressed in historical outfits. He also takes one of their bones because I'm guessing he's building a wacky skeleton for his Murder Room. But the killer doesn't have free rein to choose any historical figure he'd like! Nope! He has to use a figure based on one of the many statues of historical people located around Gotham. I think that's because he needed to use the statues in his mask making process.

I don't really know how bullet points work so I'm just going to be using them as a way to ease myself out of one thought and into another thought without needing some kind of a segue. Except for right now where I'm over-explaining things! Because that last Bullet Point was the "Here's what's been happening! Now we're all caught up! Give yourselves a round of applause!" Bullet Point. Now I'm moving on to the "Here's what happened this month in Detective Comics that might be important to remember next month!" Bullet Points.

• Don't you hate when you're trying to read your comic book and the protective Mylar bag gets stuck to your arm and you flip the fuck out like a cat with a piece of tape on its paw? So annoying!

• Detective Bullock might want to try a bigger hat size. Although I don't wear hats so maybe that's how they're supposed to fit?

• I hope the Unicode for the Bullet Points actually appears as a Bullet Point! I mean, it is called "Unicode" which I think means it's a universal code and should work across all coded platforms in the universe. But I can't help but think I'd feel more secure if it were called Omnicode.

• Detective Bullock thinks that chess is played with rocks.

• James Gordon is shit at solving mysteries. Bruce would have wrapped this up during his morning bowel movement.

• The Bronze Age Killer's next victim is a dog. Does Gotham City have a statue honoring Ace the Bathound?

• Detective work in Gotham consists mainly of beating the shit out of people and then believing everything they've said when they really just said what would stop the shit getting beaten out of them. This is how I know the majority of people in the world are unthinking idiots. Because they still believe torture works. They believe lie detectors are accurate. They believe people don't get manipulated into giving false confessions. They believe eye witnesses are as reliable as filmed footage. And they don't believe police won't falsify evidence to support what the police believe are accurate assumptions about the guilt of a suspect. Remember when Mark Fuhrman was accused of planting evidence in the OJ Simpson trial? Remember how most of white America put their hands to their mouths in shocked disbelief that anybody could think that? I'm not speculating on the guilt or innocence of Simpson but I have no doubt that it's a strong possibility Fuhrman planted that evidence. Not because he wanted to frame OJ. But because he actually believed OJ did it and was just trying to help the case. I never really thought too much on it until Netflix's Making A Murderer. After watching that, I've come to the conclusion that every case ever brought to an American Court should be thrown out! Clean slates all around! Give everybody a certificate showing they've done their time, tell them to be better, slap them on the ass, and send them out the front gates! With a little positive reinforcement, I think we can all be on our best behavior from here on out! Let's do this!

• The Bronze Age Killer didn't really try too hard on this one, did he? Where are the historically accurate dog sled reins? Where are the boxes of diphtheria antitoxin? Where is the cease and desist notices from Stephen Spielberg?

• I didn't really think much about the Bronze Age Killer up until the point he killed the dog. Now I despise him. Go ahead and kill people. Most of them will eventually prove themselves to be worthless anyway. But a fucking animal? Come on! I mean, I guess I wouldn't have felt much if he'd murdered a cow because I'm currently pretty hungry. But a dog?! How in the world do you kill a dog? A dog owner I can understand! But a dog?

• According to the Balto statue, Gotham City is canonically New York!

• According to the Saint George Versus the Dragon statue which all of the Bronze Age Killer's other statues are looking toward, Gotham City is canonically Berlin.

• The Bronze Age Killer dresses up his next victims as Alice and Lewis Carroll. I've done that roleplay! Now wait. Before you think it's weird, just realize that I was Alice.

• The Bronze Age Killer's plan is to open a portal to Hell so that he can battle the devil. So the guy isn't as crazy as I thought.

• Commissioner Batman discovers the location of the Bronze Age Killer's ritual thanks to detective work that didn't rely on beating the crap out of somebody. Disappointing.

In other words, James, you don't have the Bruce Wayne cojones to stick with the Batman job.

• Commissioner Batman saves the day but he's got some thinking to do! If he isn't willing to go whole hog at being Batman, he's going to have to give the job back to Bruce Wayne. Which, thankfully, should be happening quite soon over in Batman #50. Hopefully. Penises crossed!

• The extra dollar on the cover price is justified by throwing a bunch of Narration Boxes onto an updated art gallery of old Batman covers to make it into some kind of "story."

Two more days to Halloween! Halloween! Halloween!

Batman and Robin Eternal #8

It's a good thing I have an extremely healthy and not at all demented, weird, or scary relationship with my mother or else this commentary would be a disaster.

This issue begins several years ago when Bruce and Dick were visiting Prague to see the ballet "Giselle." They were also busy searching for Scarecrow and--for reasons too incomprehensible for this World's Worst Detective (me!)--seem to believe that Scarecrow has decided to take in a ballet. Bruce is probably doing that thing he does on a daily basis where he lies to his sidekick. "Sure, Dick! Scarecrow loves ballet! He's definitely going to be here if he could get tickets! Why don't you sit through the entire ballet while I go look around for hot chicks?" Then Dick was all, "Yay! Culture!"

No bipeds allowed!

Bruce Wayne runs into Mother in the past just as Dick Grayson runs into Mother in the future! I mean, not at the same time but on the same page. Comics are weird.

Harper and Cassie are busy battling ballerinas which is a phrase I don't get to use as often as I'd like. Although their radio communications sound like maybe they're up to something else?

Dick? Dick?...Cooch!

Mother must think she's talking to Jason Todd because she plays on Dick's low self-esteem to try to get him to come over to her side. But Dick doesn't have low self-esteem. What he actually has is a tight ass and a big cock. You have to have a big cock to have the kind of confidence Dick Grayson displays. When I see a really confident woman, I always think to myself, "She must have the biggest penis in the room." Then I try to imagine what a lady penis looks like. You'd think I'd have seen one by now but when you enter "lady penis" into a search engine, you just get pictures of regular guy penises but on ladies. I'm certain at least one other set of genitalia exist! I also asked Lord Google to show me some images of "cooch" because I think that's slang for "lady penis" but it didn't really help. Instead it just gave me back images like this:

And this!


And this too!

Interneting is hard!

Harper drops a huge chandelier on a bunch of ballerinas and probably kills them. No way is she as good as Batman at judging how much damage a person can take so that they won't die while Batman's still on scene. And even Batman would have a hard time guessing that dropping a chandelier on a dozen ballerinas from fifty feet up wouldn't crush any skulls or lady penises.

Mother tells Dick that Batman was looking for a less wussified Robin when he and Dick came to Prague. Dick asks her which Robin she gave Batman as if he doesn't already know! It's obviously Jason Todd! Except, of course, it will be none of them. But Mother is just doing what Mother's do best! She's sowing the seeds of discord among siblings and being super passive-aggressive while doing it! My mom, while showing the Non-Certified Spouse pictures of my cousin Jason from years ago, said, "He was so adorable. He was like the son I never had!" I was sitting two feet away, Mother! Jesus Christ! And you probably still wonder why we didn't talk for four years that one time!

Back in the past, Bruce Wayne simply asks Mother for a bride while placing a tracker on her coat. He doesn't ask for a little boy at all because that would be disgusting! He simply wants a woman with a tragic history that was used against her to turn her into a willing and obedient sex slave!

While Cassie and Harper continue to be part of the murder ballet, Mother makes Dick an offer that he'd better accept because I want answers more than I want to see Cassie and Harper survive. Call me selfish all you want! It's nothing my Mother hasn't already said hundreds of times!

Go with Mother! Trust your sidekicks! That's what Batman would do! Unless the "trust" part was really just "Well, I can get another one if one of them dies."

Dick chooses Cassie and Harper. Idiot! That's why Batman needed a different Robin! And then Cassie runs off because Harper pulls her hair. I'm sure that's Dick's fault too.

Meanwhile in Gamorra, Jason Todd and Tim Drake track down some tech guy who's tripping on Scarecrow toxin. I guess that crap will be explained next week.

Batman and Robin Eternal #8 Rating: No change. Not much was learned this week because Dick fucked up and didn't go with Mother. I guess he didn't have much of a choice. The batch of sidekicks he works with are all so traumatized by every little thing Batman ever did to them, they're always looking for Batman's faults in everybody else. So if Dick had gone off to find out Mother's secrets, Harper and Cass would have been pissed that he left them the way Batman would have (although Batman hasn't ever worked with Cassie (that I know of!) and Batman ditched Harper every chance he got so he wouldn't have to train her). And since he stayed to help, they were all, "We had it covered, jerko! Don't you trust our abilities!?" Okay, they weren't that upset about Dick's help. Cassie may have been since all she can say is "Mother," I don't know how to interpret that word in this situation. I can't wait until Issue #24 when the first secret of the story will finally be revealed!

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Batman and Robin Eternal #5

I know this sex move: "Aggressively Shove Dick In Male Friend's Mouth!" Otherwise known as The Navy Seal, or a San Francisco Chin Kiss.

It looks like Tim Drake has been compromised! It also looks like whoever writes the copy for the front cover was just phoning it in this week. "Birds of a different feather"?! That doesn't add any excitement to the cover at all! Sure, it adds an exclamation point which, at first, made me think it was quite clever. But then I thought, "I have never heard a single person, in all of the many years I've lived on this stinking excuse for a civilized planet, say, 'Bird of a different feather.' Sure, occasionally when I said I was going out with some friends my mother thought were disgusting idiots, she'd whip off a quick insult with the 'birds of a feather' thing which nicely nailed both me and my friends at the same time. Man that was mean!" Although my mom was right about those friends. Every time she said that, my friends would pick on me and wind up kicking my ass just because I came out of the house crying.

This issue begins in the past with the part of the story I'm most interested in, at least until the Bat-kids start sucking each other's private parts. Batman and Robin are still hunting the Scarecrow and they've followed him to a church where he's meeting with somebody scary. Mother? Just typing "mother" gives me the willies and the PTSDs.

This sign seems too overly complex to not be some sort of clue or anagram or pictograph!

Scarecrow is inside the church meeting with Orphan the Fear Huffer. Cassandra has also come along to look dour and threaten throats. Batman and Robin decide that it's in the best interests of everybody and not just Wayne Stained Glass Repair to crash through the church's windows. If the church didn't want to have to replace expensive, beautiful stained glass then maybe they shouldn't be allowing bad people to schedule clandestine meetings inside their nave. You also have to assume that this church isn't really serious judging by that ludicrous neon front, right?!

The Orphan, Crane, and Cassandra are gone so Batman and Robin begin sweeping up the mess and Bruce leaves a pile of cash in the donation box. Just kidding! They're too busy meting out justice! But Batman heard them say "Prague" a whole bunch of times in his garbled eavesdropping attempt plus he found some dirt that was obviously headed to Prague, so he and Robin are going to Poland! Or, um, Transylvania? Um...they're leaving America!

Back in the present, the story decides to confuse me.

So what are we saying here? The early history of New 52 Tim Drake written by Scott Lobdell where his parents are in witness protection to protect them from The Penguin isn't true anymore? How could DC Comics do something like this?! How could they get this so damn right and yet still allow Lobdell's Teen Titans to be in continuity!

Dick learns some more weird stuff about how Tim's parents either believe he's dead or just want people to think he died in a car accident. So it's possible that this all fits in with whatever Lobdell wrote since I can't exactly remember--or don't want to remember!--the exact details of Batman stealing Tim away from his parents. You know, to keep him safe!

While Dick is asking more and more personal questions of the Drakes (since they don't seem to mind! Thanks to Dick's hypnos. Or maybe his charm. Or maybe because the Drakes have always discussed the possibility of a threesome with a handsome stranger stopping by to discuss the welfare of poverty stricken children), Poppy comes to the door with an axe attached to a hand encased in orange glass. I wonder if the Drakes would consider just going full orgy?

Across town at the Church of St. Elijah the Thunderer By a Whirlwind, Cassie and Harper have decided to cause the poor place more property damage. It's currently being converted to a church for the Order of St. Dumas. Great! Like we need Azrael in The New 52! I seriously thought the whole point of The New 52 was to erase Azrael from existence! I suppose I can live with it as long as it's not Jean-Paul Valley. That fucker was as annoying as Danny Chase, Scrappy Doo, and Cousin Oliver all rolled into one giant turd.

Cassie opens the secret door in the stature of St. Elijah and The Orphan pops out, hopped up on Scarecrow toxin and crazy.

He must be talking about the video game Lemmings, right?

Back at the Drake house, Tim's parents activate a security measure to protect them from people who might come after them. They mention Tim set this up for them so now I'm really fucking depressed. The Lobdell history still fits plus Jean-Paul Valley might be making a return. At least there's a good chance that if Azrael does return, it'll be one of the other ones that I don't care about. But at least I don't passionately despise any of them.

Poppy and Dick find themselves in some kind of death trap after Tim's mom says, "Cnemial." I want to rant about how huge a nerd Tim Drake is to use that as the key word to turn the house into a death trap, but it's really smart. You wouldn't want to have guests over one night and have one of them accidentally say the word that turns the living room into a death trap. I realize it's only activated by specific voice prints but you never know when a guest is going to do a spot on embarrassing impression of Tim's dad. At least with a word like "cnemial," you know it'll never accidentally be uttered.

Over at St. Elijah's, Cassie cuts off The Orphan's right hand. Now he and Alfred are practically the same guy! Well, in at least two ways. They both lost their right hand and they both enjoy putting children in danger!

As The Orphan retreats, Harper tags him with a tracking device. Then she notices Cassie is crying. This is where she takes advantage of her like in all the romantic movies, right?! That's where I learned that when a woman is sad and crying and upset, it's time to make a move on her!

Back at Tim's parents' house, Dick subdues Poppy just as Tim arrives to punch Dick in the face for not trusting him. It's funny how that works both ways, hunh, Tim? You're allowed the luxury not to trust any of your Titans' teammates with your history--hell, you didn't even tell them your name during Lobdell's run--but nobody else is allowed to mistrust you? I'll let you have a pass on this one though because I realize you're upset at the way Dick went about checking out your parents. It's obvious that all the Batkids are suffering from PTBD: Post-Traumatic Batman Disorder. Any time anybody acts like Batman, Batkids everywhere flip the fuck out.

Batman and Robin Eternal #5 Rating: No change. I actually liked this update on Tim's family history. The way it was left before, it was as if Tim couldn't have any contact with his parents so that they would be safe. But this clarifies what all the fans of Tim already believed anyway: Tim would continue to keep a relationship with his parents and to keep them safe by any means necessary. The weakest part of the issue was that Dick "didn't have time" to discuss Tim's history with Tim before rushing off to investigate his parents. I suppose he felt that Tim being out of contact during the Welcome Back Bruce Wayne debacle might have made Dick suspicious, and Dick's time as a spy has made him think situations through a bit differently, but it still seems like Dick is the guy who approaches people and discusses problems with them face to face. The "no time" thing is just a comic book trope used to create drama and I'm disappointed to see it used here. Hopefully Tim really is compromised and this was all set up to make it seem like Tim really was talking to his real mother last issue but in reality he wasn't! No, wait. I just checked and M. Night Shyamalan isn't writing this comic book.

Cyborg #4

I'd rather read about this version of Cyborg.

I realize that most people have trouble with reading comprehension so from now on I will write only in straightforward simple sentences. I will eschew ambiguity. I shall renounce subtlety! I will say only what I mean and mean only what I say! Although at that point, everything I write will be boring, unfunny, and most likely not worth anybody's time. Kind of like this comic book!

No wait! I didn't mean that! I'm reasonably sure that some comic book fans out there really enjoy this comic book so I shouldn't say it's not worth "anybody's" time! That's the kind of sweeping generalization that might upset the semi-literate masses (meaning the kind of people who probably enjoy this comic book).

Dammit! What I'm trying to say is that I have read three issues of Cyborg and I'm certain that it's a fine publication for the kind of people who enjoy taking sudden and spontaneous naps.

Maybe I should begin again?

Cyborg is a competently written comic book with many qualities. It stars Cyborg who is a cyborg. That lack of imagination might be why I find Cyborg so boring! Although I'm sure he has many fans who are less easily bored than I am! They probably loved it every time Cyborg called Changeling "Salad Head" back in Wolfman's Teen Titans. Sometimes he did it two or three times in one comic book!

You know what? This isn't about the comic book. This is about me. I simply find Cyborg to be a boring character. It's going to be an uphill battle to get me to enjoy this comic book. Why do people fight uphill battles? Why don't they just look at the hill, look at the people at the top of the hill who will be fighting a downhill battle, and then just leave the hill alone? Or maybe just set a fire around the base of the hill! Also I'm lazy so I can't see the point in marching up a hill just to exert yourself in a battle. I'm too lazy to even begin reading this comic book because I compared it to an uphill battle which sounds exhausting!

It's a good thing only geniuses ever get super powers.

Sarah Charles from the Alternate Universe where Silas Stone has chosen to really be himself explains the premise of this first story arc. So if you've been on the fence about purchasing this series, you should skip reading the first three issues. If you're really being frugal, my guess is you should wait until I read Issue #5 because that one might have the same recap but include Issue #4 as well! The gist of the matter (whoever decided to spell "gist" with a "g" was a genius because if it were "jist" I would be picturing a misty spray of jism) is that some creatures called the Technosapiens are going around the Multiverse Borging up whatever life they can find. Alternate Universe Sarah Charles is pissed off at Silas Stone because his Alternate Universe Counterpart accidentally attracted the attention of the Technosapiens by doing experiments that she thought he should have known would attract unwanted attention. Well isn't she just a Monday Morning Scientist! "I told you you shouldn't have played God! I told you the government would turn your work into a weapon. I told you that Supercollider would eventually create a black hole that would destroy the universe."

Now the Technosapiens are on Earth and it's probably up to Cyborg to stop them. I think the Justice League can't help because all of the phones are down.

I suppose it was like parts of the nineties. I guess she couldn't have said eighties--which would have been more accurate--because she's too young to have any personal experience with that time.

At one point during the emotional part of the plot where relationships are being forged, Sarah Charles slaps Alternate Universe Sarah Charles and the multiverse doesn't unravel. So unrealistic.

The Metal Men are also starring in this comic book even though Superman's penis is not part of the cast. That's a reference to how they all want to fuck Superman. At least Platinum does but I think the others do as well. I wonder if Doc Magnus ever thought about making a Kryptonite Metal Man? It looks like that story may have happened in Action Comics #599. Of course it wasn't Magnus who built the Kryptonite Metal Man. It was some other guy whose name I can't remember offhand.

After spending more than half of the comic book explaining and reexplaining what the fuck was going on, the Technosapiens attack!

Tin must be coated in Mercury here.

The battle seems to be going...well, I don't know. I guess it's a stalemate because the final page is of a huge Technobeast crashing up through the ground and knocking Cyborg on his White Noise Cannon. What do you call a cliffhanger whose outcome you don't really care about? Because this is that.

Cyborg #4 Rating: -2 Ranking. Cyborg. I don't know what to tell you, buddy. You really need to step up your game if you're going to be the lead in a comic book. I suppose you can ask Harley Quinn or Batman to guest star for a few issues to drive your numbers up but that's just a short term fix. I have a feeling the love story between you and Sarah is supposed to be the driving story in this comic but it isn't getting much on-panel time. You already had your penis fixed in the Convergence Sneak Peek, so I would have kept the alien invasion slowly brewing and had the Sarah Charles stuff front and center. The last page of Issue #1 should have been this cliffhanger: Sarah and Victor kissing with Cyborg's White Noise Cannon--set on low!--between Sarah's knees. Sarah moaning, "Oh Vic!" Then she reaches down between Vic's legs and her eyes grow huge and teary as she says, "Oh. Vic!" Then everybody would be wondering what she saw! What's happened to Victor's penis?! Then Issue #2, we'd find out that she was just impressed and scared by the size of his cock because it's been enhanced by Apokoliptian Nanobots.

Batman and Robin Eternal #4

The goddamned shadows in Gotham and Metropolis keep giving away secret identities.

Bruce Wayne has recently lost all of his memories which help to keep him safe. He no longer knows how to do a roundhouse punch or how to bruise a kidney in just the right way to make a villain piss herself without actually causing her to wind up dealing with daily dialysis. Although if that did happen, it wouldn't be Batman's fault. She shouldn't have been doing crime in the first place! So now that Bruce Wayne can't protect himself, he has no money, and he's conveniently forgotten all of the horrible things he's done to his sidekicks over the years, he needs protection. Especially since somebody named Mother is trying to show everybody in the DC Youniverse that they should have Mommy Issues instead of Daddy Issues. That's going to take a lot of work, of course. Which is why this is a weekly comic book!

Dick Grayson has decided that Bruce Wayne should be saved no matter how big an asshole he's been. Maybe it's even easier to save amnesiac Bruce Wayne because he's less responsible for all the dick moves he's pulled over the years.

This is proof that Bruce really has lost his memories. Usually when somebody says that mother says hello to Bruce, he winds up on the floor in a fetal position weeping inconsolably.

Oh! I know who Mother is! She's the CEO of Murder Hatchets, Inc! Just like Bruce Wayne makes his fortune by breaking windows all over Gotham so that Wayne Window and Wall Repair makes big bucks fixing them, Mother brainwashes people into wanting to commit murder with her axes!

Dick Grayson arrives to lock Bruce in a closet before he can become hors d'oeuvres. I mean kindling! They have axes so I should have said kindling! Stupid! Especially since I always have to look up how to spell "hors d'oeuvres"! Why do I even bother using French words when they make spelling and pronunciation so complicated?! The only way I can pronounce French is if I gargle milk before the attempt.

Did anybody watch The Amazing Race last Friday? Holy moley! Americans suck at trying to pronounce French!

Luckily the caterers for the Welcome Back Yet Another Time Bruce Wayne (Jesus. How Many Times Are We Going To Do This?!) Gala are serving hard cheeses because Dick uses them to knock out some of the Axe-Wielding Maniacs (Tradmark Places and Predators RPG).

A Talon probably changed Dick's diapers.

While Dick is cracking wise about his circus life, We Are Robins (Dun duh dun dun dun dun dun!) stream into the kitchen to join the fight and/or cause a lot of confusion. Dick has been away too long and hasn't heard about how Alfred has gone off the rails from loneliness and begun hiring as many kids to be Robin as he could find. Maybe he was doing it to counter Mother and her minions. So he's kind of an anti-mother figure! Whatever that would be. I'm sure they're some catchier way to say it.

Batgirl arrives on the scene to increase the likelihood of a Batfamily Incest incident. I hope.

The Robins are alerted by the nest that Batgirl is going to use some kind of light attack. Luckily they've trained for that kind of situation and have a maneuver named after some blind swordsman or something. Dick is still confused.

I will see Batgirl #45! I hope she gets laid at Alysia's wedding.

Dick gives Duke a half-hearted lecture that's more "I'll give you some pointers and advice later" and less "stop being an idiot." It hasn't been that long since he began running into new costumed vigilantes and he's already met about two dozen new ones. If We Are Robins all get grappling guns then there will definitely be a mid-air collision between swinging vigilantes about once per week.

Meanwhile Bluebird and Cassandra continue to wander around the Batcave and not kiss. Spoiler angrily kicks things over because she's also not kissing stuff. Jason Todd and Tim Drake are only a few feet away and nobody is putting their tongues on anybody else's tongue-hungry body parts. I'm really disappointed with the libido on these Batkids.

Dick and Tim put their information together and realize that the attackers at the Gala were also on Mother's list that Cassandra gave to Dick. So they're all Mother's victims while the Batkids, including Harper and Stephanie now, were somehow saved from being brainwashed lunatics! But how were they saved?! Who could have saved them? What do they all have in common?! Not Batman! He's a dick! But Alfred Pennyworth? He's the Gotham version of Schindler. Probably! At the very least, he was the voice in Batman's ear telling Batman to collect as many kids as possible because Alfred is a freak.

The issue ends with Dick once again going out on his own to investigate a house with a mailbox out front with the name of "Drake" on it. I don't know what that has to do with anything because isn't Tim's name made up and his real parents in some kind of witness protection program? While he checks out that lead, Jason pretends he wasn't doing anything worth note while everybody else was either protecting Bruce or walking out of the Batcave. And then Tim gets a phone call from his mother. Or Mother. I guess it's ambiguous to racket up the tension.

Batman and Robin Eternal #4 Rating: No change. This is a weekly comic book which means a high percentage of these issues aren't going to matter. This is one of those. Dick went off on his own at the end of last issue although he still had backup from Tim in the Batcave. This one ends where he goes off on his own again. Bruce was in danger at the end of the last issue but now he's safe and we know the We Are Robin kids are keeping an eye on him. So that's a tiny bit of new news that you would have missed if you'd skipped this issue but hardly relevant. During the last issue, Cassandra and Harper slipped out of the Batcave and in this one they just keep going. Nothing new there either. The only thing interesting that happened this issue was that Jason Todd masturbated. But that took place off-panel and possibly only in my own head.