Teen Titans Annual #2

Here we see the Titans running from some disaster they caused. Unless they running to rob a bank or something.

The Review!
I suppose this wasn't the worst Teen Titans comic book Scott Lobdell has ever written. It's not like it's any worse than a lot of the crap Marv Wolfman was putting out in the eighties. This is what Lobdell does best. Editorial says to give him a book that puts some doubt in Tim's mind so that he's ready to leave the Titans for Rebirth and Scott Lobdell cobbles together a story from bits and pieces of the past Teen Titans comic book while ignoring other massive chunks of the past Teen Titans comic book. It works well enough for a story if you've just downed two shots of tequila and cracked your groin against the edge of a fish tank. Although, seriously, Scott Lobdell should invest in a dictionary. Boom! Next review!

The Commentary!
Why do I still read DC Comic books? I really should not be patronizing a company who keeps giving Scott Lobdell a chance to defecate all over the Teen Titans. If I wanted to endure the writing equivalent of somebody shitting into another person's mouth, I'd just watch somebody shit into another person's mouth because watching takes less effort than reading! Now, before any of you begin questioning my authority on shitting in people's mouths and how I can tell Scott Lobdell's writing is equivalent, I should tell you that I once saw a video tape of a person shitting into another person's mouth. This was back when Internet videos were not on the Internet because the Internet didn't exist. Internet videos were passed around on VHS tapes in some secret underground railroad of weird videos. Every now and then, you'd be at a party or some gathering of strangers and you'd quote something from one of these videos that stuck with you for some reason (like the woman saying, "I can't! I can't!" And the guy with his mouth underneath her ass going, "Mmm. Come on baby. You can do it.") and some person who was about to become one of your best friends would hear you and go, "Holy shit, that video was crazy!"

I bet Harvest returns in this! Maybe Lobdell will finally reveal that Harvest is vampire Tim Drake from the future! How can he have sat on this reveal for five years?!

Why finally start feeling guilty about that now?!

The Teen Titans are taking a break from their mission statement to "keep the world safe for kids without any powers at all." This break began when this comic book started and is still going. Eventually they'll probably get around to meeting some kids without any powers. But first they have to solve all of their own problems. And they have a lot of problems. Most of them were caused by hanging out with Superboy. Oh, and Raven! And Wonder Girl! And don't forget all the trouble Kid Flash caused! And it goes without saying that the Ravagers took a lot of their time. But after they're done dancing tonight, they're going to get right on that mission statement! Come tomorrow morning, Kids of the World, you will have representation in the super hero world!

Oh shit! New York has an age where you have to start drinking?!

Power Girl wants to dance with Red Robin but Red Robin declines. And then declines again. And then declines yet again. But he still winds up dancing with Power Girl. What the fuck is wrong with people who love to dance? Why do they think forcing dancing on people who hate to dance is in any way an acceptable way to behave? No means no, you gyrating dance rapists.

No, Bunker, it can't be both, you moron. What it is is a social crime. "Oh look how cute! Somebody is being forced to do something they repeatedly said they didn't want to do! So adorable!"

Bunker begins dancing and making out with a bear. I mean, he's just a twink at first but then he becomes a bear.

Literally! I used literally correctly! I am the genius! Now if only I could figure out if this was ironic or not?

The Teen Titans might not be very adept at saving the world but they now have a chance to save one underground night club! That's a start, I guess.

Bunker's dance partner isn't the only one taking drugs that turn them into monstrous green animals. Didn't this already happen somewhere? Maybe I'm thinking of an Animated Universe episode. I think I have too many comic books and cartoons battling for space in my brain.

During the chaos, Robin decides he needs some loving.

Gross!

I wonder how many people are still bothered by my caption where I said I used literally correctly even though the transformed twink hardly looked like a bear at all! People get annoyed at the stupidest things. And by "people", I mean "me". And by "things", I mean "all of the things".

Transubstantiation doesn't mean what Power Girl thinks it means.

Red Robin is a tactical genius but it's hard to write a tactical genius accurately when you don't even know what words like "mandatory" and "transubstantiation" mean. So instead of Red Robin using his brains to begin solving the transubstantiating clubbers, Red Robin uses a host of technological gadgets. Okay, so Red Robin is a genius with gadgets! It makes sense. But I've read five years of Scott Lobdell using Roy's Rockabilly Genius to excuse the quiver of deus ex machinas he carries around on his back.

In his investigation, Red Robin discovers a trap door under a table in the kitchen. I guess he doesn't have a gadget that moves tables because he needs Beast Boy to transform into a pterodactyl to knock it over. I feel like there may have been a less drastic solution to this problem.

As Tim and Garfield explore the stairs beyond the trap door, Tim reminds me of the story I was thinking about where everybody was transforming almost exactly like this story in Teen Titans #15. I guess this story is part two of that story and not a blatant rip-off of it due to a lack of imagination as well as a lack of dictionary.

At the bottom of the steps, Tim and Garfield run into an improbable scene!

It's improbable because they're all just standing around a cave staring at the landing of the staircase. They should at least be playing Monopoly or something to pass the time.

Get it?! It's SISTER BLOOD! That's like Brother Blood but less alliterative and more sexier!

There's an editor's note at the bottom of the page which reads "See Ravagers #1-12 -- Alex". Do not do that. Please do not do that. If you decide to do that, you will at some point think, "Why didn't Tess want me to read this? It's the worst professional comic book I've ever read! And that's hopeful because now I know that anybody can do anything if they blow the right people! I mean know! Although, seriously, Howard Mackie must have blown a ton of people to get this gig. He doesn't even know how to use punctuation! Not even close!"

Sister Blood explains her entire plan and I have to retract something I said earlier. I said they might have the chance to save one underground night club. But that was when I thought the drugs and the transubstantiations and the mandatory drinking were all things that would have happened had the Titans not been at the club. But it turns out, just like always, all of the trouble has been caused by a villain specifically targeting one of the Teen Titans. This time, it was Beast Boy. So those "kids without any powers at all" that they're supposed to be keeping safe? They've endangered them yet again.

During the battle with Sister Blood's cult, Red Robin has to keep reminding the Titans not to hurt or kill any of the bad guys. Is that a lesson they've been needing to learn? Did Lobdell forget he wasn't writing Jason Todd and the Outlaws but Tim Drake and the Teen Titans? Beast Boy gets so angry that he almost chokes Sister Blood to death but Red Robin is all, "No! Bad dog! Bad!" And thus, Beast Boy learns the lesson that he is better than a killer! Hugs all around!

After the battle, the Teen Titans have a discussion about what comes next. Although I'm not sure anybody is listening to anybody else.

"This happened because we're not paying enough attention to super-heroing or working hard enough!" "You're right! We need some down time to relax!"

Good riddance, Tim Drake!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #34

Starfire must be killing some guy that just asked her for directions because why would two guys that kill anything that moves seem shocked that she's burning someone's face off?

Who decided that the reason men don't ask for directions is because they're arrogant, stubborn assholes that can't admit when they're lost? We need to change the conversation on that one, so let me be the first to start. The reason men don't ask for directions is because they don't feel lost as soon as they walk out the front fucking door. Not knowing the exact route to a place yet knowing the general direction one is headed means that you're not lost. I'm fairly certain as soon as a woman loses her sense of the cardinal directions, she feels lost. And if she's with a man that has not become confused about the placement of himself in our world's arbitrarily named directions but doesn't have a firm grasp on the name of the fucking street they're on, she's going to believe he's hopelessly lost and his male pride and ego won't allow for him to ask directions. Look. Some people have a good sense of direction and some people don't. But if you don't, lay off the fucking people that do. Also, some people are stubborn fuckers and if you're a stubborn fucker that can't admit that you're lost all the time, stop hanging out with women that will use you as an example of all men, you dumb asshole.

Also, about this toilet seat issue. Why the fuck does it gotta stay down? I'm not the one that winds up falling in the toilet because I was too lazy to check it. You do realize guys need to sit down when they shit, right? And lots of guys leave the seat up. But guess what? They put the fucking seat down before they sit down. Jesus Christ. Up. Down. Who gives a fuck? Take care of your own life and your own responsibilities and stop trying to make other people conform to the way you think the world should be. By the way, I'm a guy and I keep the toilet seat down because have you ever seen how fucking filthy you women get the rim underneath where your piss sprays? Oh, you haven't because you keep the seat down all of the time and when you finally do look at the fucking mess your not very directional urethra has made, you blame it on us guys. We're responsible for all the piss pooled up at the back of the toilet seat! You're responsible for all that splatter in the front where your pee hole is aimed.

Mostly though, I'm sick of all of these male/female jokes we hear over and over and over again. I blame those shitty sitcoms about married couples where the couple isn't in love at all. They're just constantly competing with each other and making the other one look like a fool. Do people not know that in a healthy relationship, you aren't constantly trying to embarrass the fuck out of your partner in front of your friends?

After that rant, I was generally surprised when I began reading and read this Lobdellized first page. For a moment there, I had completely forgotten that I was about to read twenty pages of shit!

Scott Lobdell is entirely incapable of beginning a comic book any other way than introducing the main character by name, saying a few things about the character, and making me wish I were dead. I suppose I can't begin a commentary without ranting about something that has nothing to do with comic books, so I suppose we're even. Although, and I'm trying to say this as humbly as I can, at least my beginnings are entertaining.

The book (and it pains me to call this a "book") begins with Starfire beating up aliens until one of them tells her where to find another alien she plans on beating up. You see, she was a slave and she has a problem with slavers. I suppose the only people that don't have a problem with slavers are slavers themselves. So when I pointed out she was a slave, it was just to emphasize how much of a problem she actually has with them.

Roy, being the super duper fucking genius level genius electronics master of making everything deadly, touches one button on SHADE's computer and instantly finds Starfire. I don't think Lobdell knows how to write anything but extremes. Someone is either all-powerful, or the smartest person in the world, or the fuckiest sex monster on Earth, or they're the opposite of those things. What I'm trying to say is that he's the worst.

Please just begin punching each other so I don't have to read any dialogue written by Scott Lobdell.

Instead of killing him immediately, Starfire listens to him talk about how he's changed because if he's changed, maybe he deserves to not be punished for the horrible atrocities he's committed, right? Maybe he's also stalling in the hopes that his infant granddaughter has spontaneously figured out how to call the police. I'd say he was waiting for Red Hood and Speedy to drop in and stop her from doing something she'll regret, but he doesn't know that they're on their way. And even if he did know they were going to drop by, he wouldn't think that those two maniacs would convince her not to kill.

No! No more talking! Kill him already! But make sure the fight lasts until the end of this comic book. And make sure it's done without speaking! Also no Narration Boxes!

Why doesn't Scott Lobdell ever write a silent comic book like that Batman: The Dark Knight issue by Gregg Hurwitz where Batman kills Christmas?

Oh look. It's that scene where they stop her from doing something she'll regret. I would sigh right now but I'm all out of sighs. I used them all up at this party I went to last night where some women were equating a man washing dishes with foreplay.

The ex-slaver blows his own head off with one of Speedy's more dangerous arrows after Starfire has flown away pissed off at everything. So now the guy is dead and Starfire didn't even get the satisfaction of doing it herself. Plus she's angry at her fellow outlaws. Way to go, jerkos! How dare they tell Starfire who she is and whether or not she should be able to kill that asshole. How dare they project their male ideals on how a female should react in a situation like this. They have killed people for no reason at all! To dare say that Starfire killing one person with good reason is going to spoil her somehow? How fucking chauvinist. She doesn't need these assholes to take care of her!

Since Starfire didn't get to fulfill one of her life's ambitions, she heads home and gets fucked up on Space Heroin. Now is Speedy going to tell her that she can't do that to?

Red Hood and the Outlaws #34 Rating: No change. Are the Outlaws ever going to work together in this comic book or are they constantly going to be at odds? The "Next Month in the Futures End Special Blurb" says, "Five years in the future, the outlaws turn on each other." So how is that any different than the present? I'd be more surprised if they were getting along and working legitimate careers.

Supergirl #31

Does having two opposable digits on each hand help a creature evolve even quicker?

Once again, it's time for Supergirl's Bum! Supergirl's Bum! Supergirl's Bum! What did I say? Supergirl's Bum!
It'll look you in the eye and you'll fall in love! Supergirl's Bum!
You'll look it in the eye and you'll fall in love! Supergirl's Bum!
It was always kind of angry!
But now it's really angry!
It'll curb stomp your heart! It's Supergirl's Bum!

Currently, The Red Lanterns (including Supergirl's Bum) are hunting down Judge Red because she's decided to become the law. And they have to find her before Dex-Starr finds her because what group of Red Lanterns would you join? The group with a red haired dickface, a living beach ball, and a decaying ox, or the one with the adorable kitty cat?! If you didn't answer "the adorable kitty cat," you are dead inside and/or a poseur.

Although I did misrepresent the side without a kitty cat since I forgot to mention Supergirl's Bum was on that team. Did I forget to mention Supergirl's Bum? You do know about it, right? It's pretty freakin' adorable.

Oh my god! Dex-Starr is adorable too! I can't decide which team to root for!?

It must be noted that Supergirl's Bum has decided to remain in the background so far this issue. But Dex-Starr has come out of the gates swinging!

Now I'm picturing race horses wearing boxing gloves! That's fucking cute too! Unless it's animal abuse. But at least it's adorable animal abuse!

You can has everyting!

Dex-Starr begins firing lasers out of his tail but he doesn't flip the fuck out and try to capture all of the lasers at the same time. I guess he can suppress his cat instincts when he needs to.

Why do cats instinctively attack lasers?! I think that's proof of ancient aliens somehow!

Meanwhile in New York, Silver Banshee's witch roommate and her coven play with powers beyond their ken!

"It's not a game! It's a tool!" -- Carl, my stoner buddy, twenty years ago in my mom's basement over a Ouija Board and bathed in candlelight.

Because the coven forgot to take the proper precautions like not being in a fictional medium, they summon Blaze the Demonic Demon! Blaze asks the witches, "Where is Supergirl?" Well, if Blaze would get off the fucking Ouija Board, they might be able to find out for her.

Back on Primeen, Supergirl's Bum gets a chance to offer a rebuttal to Dex-Starr's points. Instead, Supergirl's Bum decides to rest on its past laurels and simply not appear at all!

So close and yet so far off panel!

By the way, nobody has found Judge Red yet.

Also, I should probably mention this here before I'm inundated with comments that Supergirl's Bum has made an appearance up until this point. And while this is technically true, the picture was upside down and it really wasn't Lupacchino and McCarhty's best effort. It certainly wasn't worth scanning and it certainly wasn't saying something cute like "I can has dingleberry?"

By the way, immediately after pointing out Supergirl's Bum hasn't made an appearance and Judge Red has not yet been found, both appear on the next page! But not in any way interesting enough to scan. I'm really getting disappointed.

Here we go! We're going to get a lot of "I sentence you to..." and "I declare you..." one liners!

Judge Red does judge Supergirl. And even though Supergirl is guilty of punching a lot of people in the face, those infractions aren't even misdemeanors. They're just kind of bad manners. So Judge Red declares Kara is innocent, although flawed and dangerous. Can't that be said of all of us? I mean those of us that haven't murdered anybody yet.

Supergirl heads off to the Red Lantern's Bar and Ship to get the vat of Blood Ocean the Lanterns brought with them. Kara needs to dunk Judge Red into it so that she'll lose the frenzied courtroom drama and calm the fuck down a little bit. While Kara goes to get the Blood Tank, Atrocitus and Dex-Starr move in to make friends. That will take place in Red Lanterns #31 (on sale next week!). But for now, this story needs to end somehow.

Well, that's how that ends! With this guy again! I wonder what his ass looks like?

Supergirl #31 Rating: No change. I'm enjoying Supergirl's time as a Red Lantern because it's brought a little bit of focus into her life. Before her anger was unfocused and directed at anybody she met. Now she can at least punch people that deserve to get punched. Plus she's finally made another friend in Bleez! That makes two whole friends Supergirl has made! She's better at making friends than I am!

Sorry for the lack of Supergirl's Bum pictures. It appears no artist seems to care about it as much as Mahmud Asrar did.