Teen Titans #14

Here we go again!

The Titans were shattered previously when some of them didn't want to follow Red Robin and decided to join Manchester Black. They shattered even more when Red Robin decided to help the murderer Superboy escape justice. But then they were kind of getting back together last issue when Red Robin convinced the Titans that Titans stick together no matter how stupid one of them is acting or how many laws a member breaks. So now they're instantly shattering again? Is that all this comic book wants to be? Teens bickering with each other before making up only to bicker some more? What happened to the first story arc which wasn't very good but at least had the Teen Titans becoming beloved heroes of New York. Why is that a horrible status quo? Why do heroes need to be hated by the people they're trying to help and protect? I think Eddie Berganza has a box full of three by five cards with one or two line synopses of each comic book he's editing to make sure writers are sticking to the plan. The Teen Titans' card must read "Teenagers have problems with authority and also adults so these characters should be totally unlikable." Notice how I spelled "unlikable" like an American instead of my preferred way of spelling it "unlikeable" like the British (and probably anybody else using English) because Eddie Berganza wrote the card and he's not British. I mean, I'm not British either but I don't have to try to accurately portray myself. That just happens automatically.

Last issue, the Titans were arrested by Alpha Centurion. On the plus side, the Titans were arrested for breaking into a prison and helping an escaped convict. On the minus side, Lobdell's version of Alpha Centurion has become a part of this comic book. On the super-duper I've-totally-been-betrayed-and-lied-to-by-DC-Comics-because-his-name-wasn't-on-the-cover minus side, Scott Lobdell is listed as a writer.

No, he wasn't right. You can't just make what he did right by having another hero say he was right. Fuck you, Lobdell and Pfeifer.

Red Robin decided Superboy was innocent and took the law into his own hands by keeping him out of the justice system. How would Batman feel about that? Batman breaks the law all of the time as a vigilante but ultimately he leaves the justice to the police and the courts. He didn't break Gordon out of prison in Batman Eternal even though he knew Gordon was being setup from the beginning, did he? No, seriously, did he? I don't remember! I'm fairly certain he didn't and I hope he didn't because my entire point rests on that being true! Red Robin should have left Superboy to the court system. So helping his friend wasn't right. It especially wasn't right because Superboy confessed to killing the Musliens! Red Robin was wrong in every single way! And now Alpha Centurion is telling Red Robin he did the right thing? Bullshit.

Every other time I've said I've hated Scott Lobdell before this moment was hyperbole. But I think I really do hate him. My heart grows dark. I've lost all faith in his potential. And I feel sad because I've now decided he's the absolutely worst person and nobody likes being his friend although some people pretend to be because he has enough X-men money to pay for lunch.

Don't forget how they were harboring a fugitive!

Red Robin blames the anti-Teen Titans sentiment on the anti-young vigilante movement happening in Gotham. Way to deny responsibility for your own criminal actions, douchebag! And not only that, he's only now weighing the consequences of involving the other Titans in his prison break. Most of them could be seriously fucked if simply by being arrested and fingerprinted. I guess that's a good enough reason to, once again, ignore justice and take matters into his own hands! Do whatever you want, Red Robin! If Batman taught you anything important, it's that you're above the fucking law! Being arrested is for bad guys! And "bad guys" is defined and determined by you!

Fuck yeah! Anarchy! Down with the system! Youth revolution!

Before this moment, Red Robin points out how the Teen Titans have messed up because they're kids who maybe don't know everything (except what's right! Remember, they know what's right! Not you!) and that sometimes they make it up as they go along. So basically he's telling the View Tube Reporter that the Teen Titans are going to do whatever they want no matter what anybody thinks about it. Sounds like the Teen Titans may as well be super villains.

So now we have Red Robin pointing out that the Teen Titans are doing the right thing (even thought they weren't). And since Alpha Centurion told Red Robin he was right earlier (even though he wasn't), I'm starting to suspect that maybe they're right! How did I not see it? Their actions have been totally justifiable in ways that can't be misconstrued at all! I'm such a dum-dum! Hopefully the judge will have been told eighteen different times that the Teen Titans were just doing the right thing so he can set them free without having to go to trial.

Or the Titans can just break out because fuck everybody! They'd be right to do so!

Stupid guard! Now the Titans are going to feel justified when they beat the shit out of you and break out of custody!

It must be nice, as a writer of complete bullshit, to be able to shift the blame from the Titans to a bunch of assholes who are against teen vigilantes. From this point on, the story will probably begin to ignore all of the wrong things the Titans did and concentrate on the irrational hatred growing among the horribly paranoid, ignorant, and angry populace of the DC Youniverse.

The comic book gets even worse when Spider-man...I mean, Doomed-man arrives to break the Teen Titans out of the prison vans taking them to prison. I mean a different prison than the one they broke into which is the one that houses the superheroes. I mean supervillains. Doomed-man is looking to save Wonder Girl because she once saw him naked and he liked it.

The Teen Titans decide to use this moment to escape rather than pay for their crimes. I can't blame them! Who wants to deal with consequences?! Fuck consequences! That's why I cheered about the youth revolution earlier! But the Titans don't just have to get past Alpha Centurion! They'll have to get past the entire Pax Galactica!

Goddammit! Enough with Scott Lobdell's pseudo-Roman space beings!

Lobdell was probably sitting around wondering why nobody was using the great Pax Galactica characters he created so he had to remind everybody that they existed. If they get popular enough, maybe they'll be used in a movie and he'll get some royalties! Maybe they'll even get action figures and Heroclix figures! Probably not though because they're ass.

Red Robin knows the Teen Titans can work together so he commands them to work together good! And they do! They do all of the working together there is!

Yes, by all means, please do the math. But do not try the science. Please do not science the shit out of Beast Boy's sudden and inexplicable increase in mass.

You know what? I think I know what happened here! I understand why the mix-up! Last time Straith appeared in Action Comics, he said, "Needless to say, I come in peace!" I pointed out how that wasn't needless at all! It was a very much needed thing to say! But he might still believe it's a needless thing to say so he didn't say it this time! The Teen Titans really could have heard it though because they don't realize he's come in peace. And that's why these kinds of misunderstandings take place!

Also they're trying to break out of police custody! That's probably a reason too.

After the battle, the Teen Titans teleport back to the Robin's Nest in Gotham City. They'll hide out there for awhile until everybody forgets that they're awful people and they can go back to being superheroes.

He's right there. He just turned on the television for you, dum-dum.

Lobdell must have had to write in the Red Robin goes off to fight the Robin War epilogue at the last minute and wrote the dialogue for the previous page without noticing that Red Robin was in the scene. Probably because he was jerking off to Power Girl's ass. From now on, I'm going to be like Power Girl! Whenever a whole roomful of people are looking in one direction at something, I'm just going to stand backwards and watch over my shoulder. Seems appropriate.

Teen Titans #14 Rating: -5 Ranking. This comic book is awful. It was awful before Scott Lobdell was asked to come back and now that he's back on it, it's awfullerest. I suppose the cover was meant for whatever Will Pfeifer had in store before DC Comics told him his book was shit and that the only way to make it better was to make it shittier. You do that math on that one!

Teen Titans #13

Did Manchester Black get a new chest tattoo?

I should probably provide a recap for every comic book series whenever they hit a year. Taking a look back at where things began and how they've progressed, discussing how the characters have changed over that time and what they've learned...wouldn't that be interesting? Probably. But that's something to do by somebody who takes comic books and their stories seriously. And it definitely isn't something to be done with this comic book because it's a fucking mess. The team became heroes of New York. Then they got in bed with Manchester Black. Then Superboy killed a bunch of Muslim Durlans. Then Red Robin decided to flip the bird at the American justice system because he believed Superboy didn't murder anybody and if he believed it, it must be true. So fuck letting Superboy go on trial! But then a bunch of Titans that didn't want to be Titans and decided to be Elites decided to fight with the Titans. Most of that was Superboy's fault because eventually he reveals that he did murder the aliens and that Red Robin probably should have let justice take its course. So then, of course, Harvest reappears and takes Superboy away. Red Robin and the others express a bunch of lies so that stupid readers who hate remembering the past could feel like last issue was an emotional triumph that left them feeling all of the feelings. And now that Superboy is gone, the comic book can get back to Manchester Black trying to control the Titans and the Elites for his own nefarious purposes.

I suppose I could have just said, "This comic book has lacked any direction and has no fucking clue what the hell it wants to say about these characters." Or I could have just typed out a line of Shit Emojis. It's all the same.

This issue begins in the middle of the prison break that was ignored last issue. Hopefully the Teen Titans will spend the next six issues on trial for breaking into a prison. Then the next seventy two issues will be the Teen Titans in prison.

Manchester Black brought the Elite to the prison to do something. It's all part of his plan.

I don't think Manchester Black remembers that he had a plan which sent Red Robin to this prison.

Power Girl begins to doubt Manchester Black. But didn't she just join Manchester Black because she doubted Red Robin? Is she just going to flip back over to the Teen Titans now? What was the fucking point?! I suppose the entire team is going to be back together again by the end of this story and Manchester Black is going to be out on his rear. And I suppose Manchester Black will say something nefarious like, "I knew turning them against each other only to get them to trust each other again would strengthen their bond. Now they will be a team like no other!" Then he'll smoke a cigarette and bury the prostitute he just murdered in Powers' backyard.

In the Chamber of Harvest (which is located in that mysterious place that exists for the sake of telling horrible stories), Wonder Girl points out that Kon was Tim's friend. No. No he wasn't. Not at all. Ever. Kon may have been Bunker's friend. But not Tim's. He didn't even know Tim's name! None of the Titans knew Tim's name until this series began and suddenly they all knew it. Bart is all, "We're trapped and it's all Red Robin's fault and everything is awful!" But Wonder Girl is all, "Tim will find us a way out! He was trained by Batman so he'll beat something into submission which should get us all out of here!"

No, he did not. Pardon me, Wonder Girl, but didn't you just praise his ability to get them out? So why are you trying to get him to slow it the fuck down?

I can't fault Pfeifer for not knowing that Kon wasn't Tim's best friend. That would mean Will would have had to read Lobdell's run of the Teen Titans and I wouldn't expect anybody to suffer through that. And Eddie Berganza was probably too busy building an office groping machine to explain the previous series to him.

Red Robin points out that what separates the Titans from the other super hero groups is that the Titans never give up. You know, unlike the Justice League who are constantly throwing their hands up in the air and saying, "Well! We tried!" Tim gives a speech about how the Teen Titans will save the day (a day which needs saving primarily because of the Teen Titans breaking into jail and starting a riot) and gain the respect of the world! Hey, guess what? You fucking had the respect of the world after the first story arc of this comic book! Remember how all of New York cheered you for saving the city? Does anybody remember that? No? Nobody? I seem to remember praising that aspect of the comic book because the Teen Titans should be a group that cares about saving the city where they live and the people of New York should know and love them for it instead of being frightened by them. But then Superboy was all, "Whoops! I kilted some Musliens! Did I do the bad stuff again?!"

I hate New 52 Superboy. He ruins everything. Did you know he's a living weapon?

Back in the prison, Doctor Psycho is defeating everybody with his mind powers because he wants to slip into Raven's mind without consent.

Why is Doctor Psycho suddenly the big culprit in the prison? Did Despero only sign on for a single page appearance?

Maybe Doctor Psycho is back because he was one of Superboy's foes! I think. Does anybody remember The New 52 Superboy comic book? All I can remember is that his name was Superboy and he was a living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E.

Raven defeats Doctor Psycho in Azareth or wherever the corpse of her father lies rotting away. It's probably not really Trigon though. I think Doctor Psycho just wound up in the part of Raven's brain that houses her Daddy Issues. Everybody in DC Comics has Daddy Issues but I don't think any of them are as hilariously monstrous as Raven's. Her Daddy Issues are so big that they launched two Teen Titans series in the Eighties and made the Teen Titans fan favorites even over the X-men! At least for a little while.

Tim, Cassie, and Bart manage to teleport back into the MAW because Tim is a genius at hacking computers. They arrive in the prison to find that the riot and everything that happened after they broke in was an illusion created by Doctor Psycho. Except there are still a few loose ends that the Doctor Psycho Retcon can't tie up.

Well, that's a surefire way for the Titans to earn the respect of the world! Continue to break into the prison and steal the guns from all the guards simply because the number one rule of being a Titan is "I've got your back no matter how many laws you're thinking of breaking and no matter how many Musliens you've murdered."

Now, I don't agree with the prison guards opening fire on Red Robin. Although I'm sure they've got rubber bullets in their weapons to simply suppress any riots. And maybe Red Robin could even do with some consequences for his actions, you know (especially the action where the Teen Titans break into a prison to speak with Despero instead of trying to figure out another way. Like maybe having Raven teleport Red Robin directly to Despero? Or maybe calling up Martian Manhunter to help and bribing him with a plastic container of Costco's multi-pack of cookies?)?

Down in Sublevel Triple Z (that's pretty far down! I wonder if the levels go A through Z and then AA through ZZ and then AAA through ZZZ or if they just go A through Z and then ZZ and then ZZZ?!), Manchester Black runs into Despero who is obviously Chimera because Tim just called out her name and she's been missing and Despero is suspiciously out of his cell. I suppose this is the big trick where Manchester Black finally fucks up his overly complicated plan and tells the fake Despero the entire plan which will ruin his chances of accomplishing whatever the fuck he was trying to accomplish. Apparently it was to work with the Titans, steal some of their members, then finally destroy the Titans. And his motivation was fuck you. What do you think this is? Literature? If it's motivation you want the you should probably stop reading shitty comic books!

I failed Karate because my go-to stance was the same as Power Girl's in the middle panel.

Power Girl discovers she can grow so I guess she's Elasti-Power-Girl now. She beats Manchester Black against every inch of prison wall before Red Robin convinces her that maybe she shouldn't be doing that. Since, you know, Titans don't kill. Apparently that's their only rule though. Titans don't kill but they do break into prisons, help wanted fugitives, and destroy property as often as possible all while backing each other up no matter how wrong they are as long as one of them thinks that they're right. Go Titans!

The issue ends with Alpha Centurion arriving on the scene to speak what in an accent that is definitely not Roman because he's an idiot and probably a fraud to boot. He defeats all of the Titans in one panel per Titan because the comic book only had two pages left. That's not enough time to write a coherent fight with a group this big so it's easier to just have them lose. Also there's nothing at stake here because the Alpha Centurion is another hero. Instead of killing them all because they obviously are horrible at superheroing, he arrests them all. Good. Fuckers need to sit in jail for awhile and think about all the asshole bullshit trouble they've caused.

Teen Titans #13 Rating: No change. This comic book is a complete mess. It's the kind of comic book that probably works better if you're somebody who just picked up one issue without having read any of the others. Then you don't have to be baffled by all of the contortions of the plot. The Titans are a team and loved! No wait! They've broken up and now half of them are wanted by the police and on the run! And the others want to kick their asses even thought they're all apparently the very best of friends forever! Manchester Black is siding with the Titans and then he leaves them to side with the Elite and then he wants to capture the Titans which the Elite are behind but then the Elite decide maybe Black wants to do more than catch the Titans and so they betray him and now everybody is a Titan again and how about we just start over and forget about this whole Manchester Black nonsense? At least the Titans are going to fucking jail where they belong, the lawbreaking bastards.

Teen Titans #12

Good. It's about fucking time.

I admit it! When somebody says they enjoy something written by Scott Lobdell, I immediately assume they are idiots. You know what? I get the feeling I've admitted that before! At the very least, I've ranted and raved and screamed on and on and on about Lobdell's horrible version of the Teen Titans so many times that it should have caused everybody to infer that that's the case. I suppose I don't mind if people enjoy it so much. Everybody has a right to enjoy whatever they want, no matter how stupid or idiotic or horribly written it is. But I do assume a person doesn't get much use out of their brain if they defend Lobdell's work as good. Or decent. Or even competent.

So now Lobdell fans (who are obviously morons (unless they enjoy his comic books simply because they allow them to turn off their brains for the three minutes it takes to read one. I suppose we all enjoy some of that kind of lovely garbage for destressing our lives)) have reason to celebrate. He's back on the Teen Titans! Hooray! More idiotic Narration Boxing! More crappily defined characters! More panels of Wonder Girl being punched by Superboy as she thinks, "I wish his dick were in my mouth!" I guess whoever loves Lobdell at DC figured he'd need some additional money each month after the cancellation of Doomed (which, by the way, wasn't cancelled fast enough). I'm surprised Doomed ran long enough to be cancelled due to poor sales rather than ending with a cease and desist from Marvel because they own Spider-man.

What kind of life have you led that you want it back now? Are tired of not being a living weapon anymore? Do you want to go back to working for NOWHERE? Superboy's life has pretty much been exactly what it is now: constantly running and fighting. Although he did have that brief period where he was dating Bunker.

This opening page doesn't quite feel right for a Scott Lobdell Jam. It's got the boring full page panel. It's got the inane dialogue. But where are the fifteen Narration Boxes?! I guess the lack of the boxes must be Pfeifer's influence.

After turning the page, I breathe a sigh of relief. When the story begins at a place that wasn't where the last story ended with lots of characters missing and nobody really concerned with the plot that had been chugging along the last twenty pages, I realize Scott Lobdell is definitely back! I was afraid maybe somebody at DC just added his name to the script so he could get a bump in pay. But that would have meant I don't get the enjoyment of tearing down his hard work. And by "hard work," I mean rush to get the script done at the last minute while scarfing nachos and guzzling Shirley Temples in some seedy hotel lobby bar.

I think I'd really have a good time hanging out with my imaginary version of Scott Lobdell!

Instead of still being in the basement levels of the MAW with Despero behind him, Red Robin is now in Dayton's destroyed penthouse (I think). Instead of the Elite having teleported in to shut down the prison break, they've completely disappeared (except for Wonder Girl). Superboy was doing the same thing he was doing at the end of last issue which was screaming to have somebody give him back his life. So that's going to be great in the collected edition. I always like having two nearly identical pages lined up one after the other. I suppose I'll have to wait to find out what happened to the others. I'm sure it's either a Despero alternate reality where the core of the Teen Titans will get to talk about how much they love each other, or Manchester Black decided the best way to end the prison break (which was part of his plan) was to just teleport everybody out (which was probably always part of his plan). He does have an Indigo Lantern with crazy powerful teleport powers which he hasn't been using at all for some reason. Why else have an Indigo Lantern on the team?!

The Titans notice that their powers are gone. Red Robin can feel somebody watching them because that's a thing that isn't real but everybody believes. You know when you think you feel somebody watching you? That just means you think you feel somebody watching you. If somebody happens to be watching you at that moment, it's just a coincidence. Believing every thought that enters your head is true? That's schizophrenia.

Was that ever a thing? When they were all Titans? And Superboy was trusted?

Here's a question! Why did DC Comics finally cancel Scott Lobdell's awful Teen Titans run only to reboot it with a change of attitude that never actually changed only to wind up shoving Lobdell back on the title? The only conclusion I can reach is that DC Comics hates fans of the Teen Titans!

Superboy remembers killing the Durlans which makes Red Robin say, "Whoops! I suppose if Superboy is going to turn himself in for murder, I'd better turn myself in for breaking into a prison and hampering a police investigation." Wonder Girl lies to Superboy when he pities himself and tells him that all she ever wanted was to get him help and to have his dick in her mouth. Oh, sorry. The last half of that sentence wasn't a lie.

Bart begins to whine about how if Superboy has to pay for killing twenty Muslims or aliens, then he should probably have to pay for starting a war that killed millions of people who have yet to be born. He even admits that he started the war because he was a stupid teenager who thought he was right the way stupid teenagers always do. He says, "Because I thought I was right. Whatever the hell that means." And Kon answers, "It means everything, Bart." Oh, okay. So any lives taken due to somebody doing something which they thought was right should be forgiven because they intended to do the right thing even though it was the wrong thing because they were acting like an idiot. All is forgiven! Next up, Wonder Girl needs to pity herself so the others can say, "No! No! You're a good person and we love you and that's all that matters! If only the stupid adults would get off our backs!"

Fuck everything. I probably got the Despero part wrong and it's probably Manchester Black but here we go with the "Despero alternate reality where the core of the Teen Titans will get to talk about how much they love each other" bit.

To top it all off, Bart's favorite memory is the moment from Lobdell's run of Teen Titans where Bart borrowed Tim's shirt without asking. What a great life he's led. Weren't we supposed to forget about that landfill? Didn't we cover it up with a golf course and forget about it? No? And now I have to relive it?! Argh! I already paid for this crap once!

Cassie's favorite memory was when she was defending her life against Superboy and thinking about his dick in her mouth.

Superboy's favorite memory was when the Titans saved his life because they're idiots.

Red Robin's favorite memory was probably the night he fucked all the female members of the Teen Titans but he doesn't reveal it to the others.

And then the Titans discover that Red Robin had been keeping tabs on them and researching them before he met them because he had to develop a plan to get them to all work together! The kind of plan only one person in the entire Omniverse could ever come up with:

Harvest! See? Tim and Harvest make plans in exactly the same way because, like I said three or four years ago, Harvest is future Tim Drake after he's become an immortal vampire, lived for one thousand years, and then traveled back in time to make sure the Teen Titans were created so that Tim could become Harvest! And so forth, and so on.

Red Robin is still under the delusion that Harvest is just a guy from the future who lost his son because of a war against superhumans or something. But that's what Harvest needs Tim Drake to think or else Tim Drake might avoid becoming a vampire and ruining his chance at becoming Harvest! Look, Harvest's back story has changed a number of times so don't think I'm crazy sticking to the Red Robin is actually Harvest hypothesis! It all fits if you know where to look! It's all just part of Harvest's ultimate and best plan ever!

Harvest says Kon was meant to be with him and not the Titans. The Titans deny it because they love him! But then Kon finally gets to tell everybody what he thinks. Bah. Why would they care? Who asks their gun if it wants to shoot the intruder?!

Cassie is totally thinking about Kon's dick in her mouth.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha! A-ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh my god. I can't breathe. Ha ha ha ha ha! This is meant to be funny, right? I knew Scott Lobdell liked to write comedy but I never realized he could be so good at it! This is hilarious stuff!

Tim forgets about that thing where all the Titans have done horrible stuff because they thought they were doing the right thing and declares he's going to do the right thing and go against Kon's wishes. He's going to make sure Kon fights against Harvest instead of giving in and going with him. I really wish he wouldn't. Whenever Superboy is in a comic book, the comic book becomes all about Superboy. That might not be a bad thing except Superboy has no story and no character. He's just a guy who ruins everybody's day while they try to hug him. Just let him go already. He's an albatross!

Some friend! He wouldn't even tell you that his name was Tim! I have no idea how everybody eventually learned it.

To illustrate my point how Superboy is a parasite who just keeps ruining this title, I just realized that I've been saving all of my scans for this critique as "Superboy12a.jpg" and "Superboy12b.jpg"! As I was writing the HTML, I was linking to "TT12a.jpg" and "TT12b.jpg". But I just noticed after saving the last scan that I was saving all my scans as Superboy images. Reading Scott Lobdell comic books causes brain damage!

Superboy flies away and hopefully out of the DC You forever. He needs some serious revisions before he attempts to come back. And Harvest tells the Teen Titans that they joined together out of fear of each other which totally makes sense for no reasons but still makes them all feel bad and angsty and pouty.

And that's the end of this issue. What happened to The Elite and Manchester Black and Raven and Bunker and Changeling and the prison break and Despero and that Powers guy and Klarion and the last eleven issues of this comic book? Fuck you. Don't worry about it.

Teen Titans #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. I guess the celebration of the end of Scott Lobdell's Teen Titans run was premature. But at least I celebrated every single day over the last year and a half, never once taking for granted my time without a Teen Titans comic book with Scott Lobdell at the helm. I pity all of those fans who took the time for granted and never embraced the beauty of that time. I have a feeling that I might be to blame for Scott Lobdell's return to the Teen Titans. Somebody at DC probably missed my scathing critiques of Lobdell's work on this comic book and realized they couldn't live without them. So I'd like to apologize to everybody. I'm sorry I'm so good at tearing apart Scott Lobdell's writing on the Teen Titans. This one's on me.

Teen Titans #11

Get it? Teenagers are constantly having breakouts! Hilarious!

Why is Red Robin throwing a Batarang on the cover? Doesn't he use Robin-Discs or something now? If I were Batman, I would have petulantly taken away all of Tim's Bat-themed items when Tim decided to go out on his own. Then I probably would have had to fire Alfred after he made a joke about "robin leaving the nest." Right after I got done crying, of course.

Red Robin is currently still refusing to allow the law to question Superboy in the deaths of a bunch of Muslims who were actually Durlans. It's not like the justice system has already condemned Superboy to death and Red Robin is buying time to prove that Superboy is innocent. No, Red Robin is simply showing his ass to the American justice system and telling them he knows the truth and how dare they investigate the crime themselves. And yet, Red Robin doesn't know the truth at all. Red Robin is simply trusting his instincts that a teammate wouldn't turn out to be a mass murderer. Red Robin could very well be harboring a murderer. So far, this story isn't making me like anybody in the Titans or the Elite. They're all just a bunch of aggressive, arrogant assholes.

"Accent" on former? I don't know. I would have gone with the tried-and-true "emphasis." If it's meant to be a joke, it fails because it just comes off as awkward usage within a Narration Box which isn't really supposed to have any personality of its own. It's just meant to convey information. It's not as if Will Pfeifer has developed an alternate persona who constantly disregards the proper use of words for his own ends which would allow him to get away with choosing "accent" over "emphasis."

The news in Chicago is already blaming the Teen Titans for the destruction of one deck by a fancy pool, the explosion of a penthouse apartment, the near collapse of a bridge, and hundreds of injuries on a train stopped short by Superboy. I'd say the news finally got something right! Blame those fuckers! Blame the fuck out of them!

Red Robin and Raven confronted Manchester Black at the end of last issue. But after Raven fell unconscious trying to read Manchester's mind, Red Robin was trapped in Black's apartment with The Elite arriving by non-Indigo Lantern teleportation. Manchester points out that Tim has no way out and then Tim jumps through the window holding Raven and flies away on his Inertrite wings. Then the smartest guy in the room, Manchester Black, says, "Oh right. He can fly." I suppose that falls under the category of "too smart for his own good"? Is that what I'm supposed to believe? That the guy who has become the next Harvest, a guy whose plans never fail due to random chance, couldn't remember that Red Robin can fly? Letting him escape must be part of the plan! You see, Manchester Black couldn't remember Red Robin could fly but he does know exactly where Tim Drake is going! He's so smart! Sometimes.

Stop it, Tim. Just stop acting like a teenager who thinks he's always right when he simply doesn't have enough life experience to truly see how wrong he is. You were harboring a felon. Now you're going to break someone out of prison who can exonerate your friend. Who's going to fucking care at that point? Go through the fucking legal system. Let them question Superboy. Get a lawyer to get a statement from the person in prison. Stop willingly becoming outlaws and Red Hoods. And if the legal way doesn't work, call Batman to fix it all.

Red Robin brought the Titans together to help kids with super powers cope. Or something. Maybe he was bringing them together to save the other kids from NOWHERE. I think he knew all that shit that Harvest was up to when the series began because, you know, he is Harvest! So at least Red Robin fighting for his friends isn't really anything new. It's not like the Wolfman series where they were supposed to be heroes but simply got hung up on their own problems on a constant basis. But helping Superboy run from the law seems a bit...I don't know...ass backwards?

This would be an acceptable speech to rally the Teen Titans under different circumstances. Like maybe if Tim had actual proof of Kon's innocence. Or if he knew the government was trying to frame Kon. Or if, you know, actual bad guys were threatening the team as opposed to Robin just trying to get the Titans to break more laws.

Tim is all, "So, if you don't want to break any more laws with me while helping Superboy run from the law when he may very well have murdered twenty Muslims, I'll understand if you stay out of this one." Of course they choose to wade deeper into blood. That's a reference to Shakespeare! Kind of.

Chimera is not a Titan. Nor is she a friend. She's a shapechanger they just met and whom they hardly know! Hell, she could have done the murders while looking like Superboy! Get her!

I guess Raven had recovered enough in the last two days to explain how to save Superboy from what she learned while in Manchester Black's mind. But she's still recovering so she won't be able to help with the prison break. That's too bad and kind of convenient because the team could really use a teleport spell in this situation.

The Titans need to break out Despero to save Superboy. I don't think Despero would do well on the witness stand. If I were Red Robin, I'd think up a Plan B after discovering it was Despero who they needed to break out of prison. Also, I would have gathered that information from Raven before sending Beast Boy in to hack the security system. But then, I'm not smart enough to just fly by the seat of my plot contrivances.

I guess Raven did recover enough to teleport the Titans into a utility closet in the prison. But since she's still laid out, she and Bunker have to remain behind counting mops while Red Robin and Chimera search the prison for Despero. But first, they release all of the prisoners from their cells because putting the guards' lives in danger is totally acceptable. Kon's in danger! And he's a Titan! And they're all friends! The guards? Who are they?! Maybe they should have thought about the possibility of dying in a prison riot before accepting the job. This is totally on them and their poor life decisions. It's not Tim Drake's fault if any of them get hurt at all! And I totally believe Tim believes that because he was trained by the best when it comes to denying responsibility for injury and death: The Batman!

Meanwhile in Manchester Black's apartment, Manchester Black already knows what's going on because it's all part of his plan.

In prison, Blockbuster attacks Red Robin instead of the guards! But that probably wasn't part of the plan! I guess Tim Drake gets better at overly complex plans when he puts on the Harvest costume.

Blockbuster, that's not where the boob window goes! Silly.

Red Robin points out, after Blockbuster is down, that all the cell doors were not supposed to open. He had a code that was only to be used on any individual door he chose. So I guess he's not responsible for all the dead guards then! It must have been part of Manchester Black's plan since he knew what Raven read in his mind so he knew where Tim and his team were going to go. But the bigger question should be why did Manchester Black know anything about Despero being able to help Superboy, right? Again, I think Red Robin is going about this all wrong.

"Stop it! Stop caring about other people! Remember your speech?! We fight for the Titans! We fight for our friends! We fight for each other! Are the guards our friends? Are they Titans? No. Let them die."

Now that Chimera stopped Red Robin from almost acting heroically, they are free to find Despero without any distractions. Superboy also decides to join them because he suddenly knows all about this prison escape for some reason. I'm sure it'll make sense if it's ever explained. And even if it isn't explained, fans of the book will do the heavy lifting on Pfeifer's writing and fill in the blanks for him so asshole haters like me can be put in their places for pointing out how fucking stupid this entire comic book is.

Teen Titans #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. Please, DC. Kill Superboy. Get him the fuck out of your Youniverse until you can figure out how to fix him. First off, I'd stop making him some disaffected teenager who's constantly in trouble through no apparent fault of his own. The only fans who like him are the fans who want to fuck him or the fans who believe everybody is out to get them in their lives as well. Being wanted by the law and being hated by normal people does not make him interesting. He's not elevating this comic book into a story worth reading. Not that it was worth reading before he appeared. I don't care enough about the Teen Titans as characters to feel for any of their struggles. Just because these versions of the Titans existed for two and a half years doesn't mean that anybody has bonded with them enough that they care about their conflict with Manchester Black (who is just Harvest-lite anyway). Nobody wanted these Titans to be tied to Lobdell's Titans anyway! I'm usually not one to call for trashing continuity and doing full blown retcons of established characters but something needs to change if the Titans are ever again going to be likeable (although, were they ever really likeable in comic book form?!). Just start over because all of these characters can eat my poo.

Teen Titans #10

Power Girl has an asshole on her face.

This issue begins by slapping me in the face and I've got half a mind to just throw it in the garbage and be done with it.

Except the comic book is correct and I can't justify wasting $2.99 on a comic book that I will never read.

Why is the comic book being so aggressive towards me?! It's like it already knows that I'm going to shit all over it! And I am!

I don't mean to make Watanabe feel bad but I suddenly find myself wondering how Kenneth Rocafort is doing? Why isn't he arting up this comic book with his crazy panel layouts and motherfucking punk rock zig zag lines all over the page? Felipe Watanabe's characters look like bored corpses.

The STAR Labs Titans have a name: The Elite. They're going to take Superboy into their custody and for some reason Wonder Girl believes that it won't "degenerate into meaningless violence." Ha ha! That's a good one! At first I thought, "OH! Cool! They're going to talk this thing out like heroes!" And then I checked the cover and saw this was published by DC Comics and knew that it was, in fact, about to degenerate into mindless violence. Although Kid Flash steps up to say a few words before it does. Will he be able to convince the Teen Titans and The Elite to work together?!

Ha ha! Of course not.

Anyway, Kid Flash wants to chastise Red Robin for leaving him in the future with Solstice. But Red Robin is all, "You wanted us to leave you! And Solstice chose to stay with you! And fuck you, asshole!" But Bart's retorts, "No! No! FUCK YOU!" And then meaningless violence occurs.

Thanks for saving the window? Would one more broken window really matter after Cassie kicked in the door and Superboy flew through the wall?! Besides, he didn't save the window. It's completely cracked. I'm assuming it's still going to need to be replaced.

Superboy smashes Wonder Girl into Mento's television set and then The Guardian (who is apparently a teenager) is allowed to say a line. I'm totally interested in him now! He's got, like, a personality and shit!

I forgot to mention that Klarion was referred to as a "punk sorcerer." Really? When did that happen? I'm still obsessed with his original incarnation as a Puritan! And Trinity, the Indigo Lantern that is on the team for reasons which will probably never be revealed? She was called a "cosmic psychotic." I suppose that describes all Indigo Lanterns, although I would have added an "ex-" to that description. That's kind of the whole point of the Indigo Corps, right?

Superboy smashes The Guardian through the roof of the building and halfway across Chicago. So now add the death of one superhero to the 22 Muslims he murdered. Because, seriously, The Guardian doesn't have invulnerability, does he? And he can't fly, right? What does he do besides molest newsboys? You know, the point isn't whether The Guardian has powers that will save him from certain death or not. The point is Superboy doesn't know anything about The Guardian (except that he met him that one time and totally wasn't impressed) which shows how reckless Superboy is with his powers. He doesn't give a short, disappointing Kryptonian fuck whether or not he just killed some guy. I think I might be on the side of Manchester Black and The Elite by this point! Although I kind of already was because Red Robin is being a total asshole who thinks the members of his team are above the law and shouldn't have to endure criminal investigations.

Red Robin gets Raven to teleport them to Manchester Black just before reckless Superboy punches The Guardian's shield (He came back! I guess he is invulnerable and can fly! Maybe Superboy did do his research!) which knocks everybody left in the apartment unconscious except for Power Girl. Even his friends Bunker and Garfield! Plus, the entire penthouse floor is destroyed in the release of telekinetic energy. Hopefully the entire top floor was just Mento's penthouse.

Also, Felipe Watanabe's characters look really good in some panels. I guess how much I like the art depends on how much time Felipe Watanabe and inker Trevor Scott spent on any one page. So I totally retract that statement about caring what Kenneth Rocafort was up to. He can be passed out naked in a pile of overdone Pop Tarts for all I care.

Anyway, Power Girl goes after Superboy so we can, once again, witness just how irresponsible and reckless he is.

This boy needs some training from Supergirl.

I guess I can't blame Superboy for being so destructive though. He was created to be a living weapon by NOWHERE!

Power Girl smashes into the deck of a pool of another apartment building. Who pays for that? It's not as if the owners should pay for it themselves while being thankful that The Elite were saving them from intergalactic monsters. She busted up that deck during a personal brawl! I suppose it was also in pursuit of a felon but that just means STAR Labs is going to have to foot the bill. Which I assume they will since Power Girl mentions she works for STAR Labs before leaving the scene of the vandalism. Manchester Black is going to be pissed.

Cassie takes over the battle with Superboy. I hope she thinks things like, "If he wasn't so awful, I'd put his dick in my mouth!" Or "I wonder if he can make me orgasm by punching me in the clitoris?" Or "I love him but I hate him too!" I also think she probably won't think those things because Scott Lobdell isn't writing this comic book anymore.

The narrator decides to call me poor again so I spend the next twenty minutes crying. I'll show him! I'll going to get rich and then take a marker and scribble over the parts of the story where the narrator is telling me I can't afford to live places! Then I'll buy a gun and shoot him in the face. Or her! I'm not a sexist murderer!

Superboy smashes Wonder Girl through a bridge full of innocent bystanders because Superboy loves smashing things and being destructive and living the reckless lifestyle.

"I can't breathe! He's killing me! He's so dreamy!"

The rest of The Elite teleport back to New York via STAR Labs tech support. I still don't know why they keep asking Klarion to teleport them when he can barely teleport them within one city. They have an Indigo Lantern on the team who can teleport cosmic distances! The only point of the Indigo Lanterns is to teleport! And I guess to care about shit nobody else cares about.

Back in Manchester Black's apartment, Red Robin and Raven are defeated by him because he's a bad ass who smokes and has a tattoo of the Union Jack on his chest. Plus he knows shit that will help advance the plot which only makes sense because it advances the plot. Apparently the Teen Titans have to take Superboy to a prison full of super villains so he can find his salvation. Does that mean The Elite and the Teen Titans can stop fighting and work together now? Because Red Robin will believe Raven when she tells him about her visions pulled from Manchester Black's head? Visions which show Superboy can only be saved (from what? I don't know!) by going to prison which is where everybody wants him anyway?

Teen Titans #10 Rating: No change. Superboy is so broken in The New 52 (now the DC Youniverse, I guess. Although it's really just the same thing but rebranded so people who hated The New 52 can come slinking back to DC with their dignity intact). At this point, he should just be killed and a new Superboy from Clone Tube #3 should just replace him. But this one can actually act heroic from the very beginning. I guess all the assholes who identify with Superboy and how he's so alone and nobody understands him and doesn't fit in and all that bullshit won't like the new Superboy. But fuck those people! This Superboy is ruining every single title he guest stars in because they become all about him. And he's just a confusing mess that's made even more confusing by every single story he appears in. The Teen Titans would do well to just wash their hands of him.

Teen Titans #9

Why does anybody want him?

I just got back from seeing Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory at the Laurelhurst theater. I've seen it dozens of times since it's as old as me but since it's currently fresh in my head, I thought I'd ramble about it a little bit. First off, it's a great movie with an uplifting message that treats kids as human beings. This movie, along with Mary Poppins, are two of my favorite movies from childhood. The Non-Certified Wife says it's because they're all about chaos. While that's not untrue, I appreciate when adults aren't teaching kids that they must begin learning to act like adults. They're stories about encouraging kids to follow non-practical dreams. Although at the end of Willy Wonka, Gene Wilder basically says he wants a kid to take over his business because they're easier to brainwash and control.

I also realized that Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory might be the first modern horror movie. It takes place at an isolated location with a bunch of young people who begin to be killed off by a madman one by one. And none of the deaths are accidents. By the time it's just Charlie and Mike, Wonka takes them on a trip via the Hsawaknow which only has enough room for Wonka and two families. And then when they get to the Wonkavision room, there are only enough outfits to protect the people who are left. Wonka did his research before allowing these kids in and he tempts them one by one with irresistible temptations which he knows will destroy them. Only Charlie gets lucky enough to not be butchered by this slaver madman. I'm pretty sure Wonka even shows a bit of disappointment when Charlie and his Grandpa finally catch back up with the rest of the group.

Now on to Teen Titans and my first thought as I open the book: Kenneth Rocafort's art is seriously making me think about dropping this book. It's not as rock and roll as he'd like to think. I'm not saying it's bad. Hell, I know a lot of people love it. But when I look at it, it feels like razor blades across the back of my brain. It's the visual equivalent of a Ted Nugent song. Damn it. Now I've alienated fans of Ted Nugent as well as fans of Kenneth Rocafort. Bah, fuck it. I don't have time to be concerned with everybody's feelings! I think I might be part Oompa Loompa. Boy, those are judgmental bastards! Fat shaming; parent shaming; hobby shaming. They just never stop with their cute little shame songs!

Red Robin and whichever Teen Titans are still loyal to him have decided to hide Superboy from the STAR Labs group of Teen Titans and J'onn J'onzz. The people after Superboy think he's killed twenty-two Muslims. But they were really Durlans so nobody should be calling him an Islamaphobe. It's more correct to refer to him as a Xenophobe. Anyway, Superboy is currently hiding in the skies of Chicago where he'll be sure to never be seen by anybody except maybe a few fat fucks with giant hot dogs stuffed in their mouths saying, "Ish shat a brd? Ish shat a prawn? It'sh Shlurpermern!"

If anybody purchasing this book thought the two page splash of Superboy flying through the sky when he should be hiding was a waste of two pages, get ready for another full page wasted as Red Robin and Chimera (the Durlan witness to Superboy's murders) have a discussion to explain to the reader why the double splash page was necessary. Superboy just needed to get out and stretch his powers or else he was going to go crazy. Now he's just going to bring the wrath of the non-merciful, justice loving Martian Manhunter down on Chicago.

Fuck you, Tim Drake.

I'm no friend of the media but Tim Drake is acting as if the media should somehow be reporting a version of the story that only exists in his own head. The only reason he's helping Superboy hide from the law is because he knows Superboy didn't commit the murders. And I don't mean "he knows" as in "he has proof." No, he just knows because he's a genius who chose Superboy to be on the Teen Titans and he obviously would never have chosen a murderer because, you know, genius! But Superboy was seen killing these people by at least one witness who spoke to the police (pretty sure it was Chimera who now claims she's certain Superboy didn't do it), he was brought in for questioning, and he broke out of police custody in a violent fight that destroyed the precinct. The law isn't going to stop trying to bring in a potential suspect simply because Tim Drake says they're wrong. Stop being so stupidly naive, Mr. Smarty Pants.

Bunker, Raven, and Garfield are walking the streets of Chicago like it's Disneyland. They're approached by two women who are "huge fans of what they're all about." Oh really? And what is that, exactly? Could it possibly be nothing which is why the girl remains so vague? Yep, that's the correct answer! This comic book has no point except to have a bunch of teens looking like Rocafort teens and doing Pfeifer teen things! I just wish they'd do more on-panel teen sex things so that a middle aged man like myself could stay interested. Oh yeah! Young people fucking! That's worth $2.99! I mean, as long as they're not too young! You know the age I mean! Young adults! The ones right in that age bracket that makes them sexually aware but doesn't allow them (in most states) to actually have sex with most of the population! The age where I'd rather see them fuck each other than have to listen to them discuss anything at all!

I am so non-sports minded that it took me another page to realize what the fuck Gar was talking about here. Just think if it were a couple months earlier. He could have been a racist caricature for the hockey fans!

While a crowd gathers to take pictures with the Teen Titans, a woman falls on the tracks of the 'L' Train. Beast Boy fucks up and can't save her because he turns into a cheetah instead of something that flies. Bunker fucks up and can't save her because he's not fast enough with making floating flying brick shoes. Or something. Raven fucks up because I guess she didn't have the proper spells memorized to save somebody in distress. So Superboy has to fly down and rescue her. Of course he doesn't pick her up and fly her out of danger. No, he drops on the tracks and stops the train on a dime. So I'm assuming at least, oh, forty people are now seriously injured? There aren't any seat belts on these things, Superasshole.

Superboy has been using his powers flying about and stuff but I guess it's only when he blows up a cop's gun in her hands (which, you know, goes a long way to proving he's a good guy, you know?) does he use enough power to alert Manchester Black as to his location. Now the STAR Labs Titans need to gear up and go start a huge brawl in the middle of Chicago for the safety of everybody! Except I think they actually have more selfish motivations that don't really stem from protecting the world from Superboy. Just a hunch.

Kid Flash takes a moment to say "Hey, girls!" as he passes by Wonder Girl and Power Girl. I think that was more an exclamation of surprise than a greeting. You'd think since he has superspeed, he'd at least spend some time bringing Wonder Girl up to speed on how he's back from the future and from the distant planet Takron-Galtos and maybe take a moment to say what happened to Solstice maybe?

Because Superboy appeared and riled up the crowd, they've now turned on the Teen Titans. Yawn. Also, I think I'm offended by every single comic book writer who thinks that most people are irrational, senseless monsters who feel the need to physically assault anything they fear.

The team has an Indigo Lantern and they're relying on Klarion to teleport them? I won't even mention the other ridiculous shit on this page. I'll leave that for y'all in the comments section!

The STAR Labs Titans teleport to just outside of Mento's Chicago apartment and then Cassie punches the door to pieces. At least it's not as bad as Superboy flying straight through the wall. The only thing I've learned from superheroes is that if I ever received super-strength, I'll never open another door or window as long as I live! Once Cassie is inside the apartment, she challenges Superboy to another fight where she'll probably think things like, "He's so dreamy but I must defeat him!" or "I wish we were tussling in bed but he's so bad! In a good way! But not too!" or "He's trying to kill me and it makes me so fucking wet!"

Teen Titans #9 Rating: -1 Ranking because the art is the worst possible art if you're me. Most of you aren't but then you also don't get to rate the comic books on this page. It also gets -1 Ranking for being predictable Teen Titans bullshit where crowds love them but then they also hate them and then the Teen Titans battle some other Teen Titans. Not a hint of justice being served anywhere in the issue!

Teen Titans Annual #1

And just when I thought Superboy was going to start getting some joy out of life. I guess DC hates him.

After writing more than 2000 reviews on comics, I'm going to have to allow myself to repeat stories I've already told. Generally, I can remember what I've written about so I know when I'm repeating myself and, often, I make note that I've said something before. My memory sucks in a lot of ways, like remembering where in time something happened or coming up with names or specific words. But one area that my memory seems to work well is knowing when and who I've told a story to. It's probably because my interactions with other people are so limited. Often when someone I know begins telling me a story that they've already told me, I'm never quite sure what to do. Do I just listen to them tell the entire thing again? Do I tell them they've already told me and then stand their awkwardly having caused a rift in the conversation? Do I punch them in the throat and kick them a few times when they've fallen down? Sometimes I just make jerking off motions until they get angry and leave. I'd trade in my inability to come up with the exact word I want to use while writing if it meant I would often retell the same stories to the same people constantly. I wish we could pick our flaws so we could get bonus points in other areas of our lives. I would pick the flaws "Too Handsome," "Born To Horribly Wealthy Assholes," and "Uncomfortably Large Cock." Then with my bonus points, I'd put some in "Handsomeness" and some in "Wealth" and some in "Cock Size." I'd choose those three traits because they are the three biggest factors in becoming a successful man! I don't know what women would replace "Cock Size" with to become successful. "Butt Firmness"?

This issue is called "The Source of Mercy" because it is about how Superboy learns about Allah, I'm guessing? The issue begins with a whole bunch of dead people in a street, a house on fire, a woman praying, and Superboy lying unconscious and still unhappy. He was created to be a living weapon, you know!

I actually forgot this was a Teen Titans comic book and not a Superboy comic book until I got to the page with Manchester Black and Red Robin hanging out. Which is kind of stupid of me since Superboy has spent most of his time in other characters' comic books anyway. In the entire run of his series, I don't think he ever got to have any adventures of his own. They were always tied up with other books. Poor kid.

All of the Titans are trying to sort out the news they're hearing about Superboy having committed this atrocity. Red Robin mentions that he's not going to contact Wonder Girl by phone because she probably needs a hug or something.

She's so sad because even though he was constantly trying to kill her, he was so cute!

Well I guess since people all over social media are speculating on what happened and saying that Superboy killed them all, and then Lois Lane is reporting on the speculation, that must be what happened! Social Media: The Most Trusted News Source In The World (that doesn't contain fact checking).

Sure, I just took a shot at people getting their news from a huge game of telephone. But the usual media sources? They deserve to not be trusted anymore because they fucking decided to stop doing the media's actual job. Of course people are going to believe whatever hyperbolic bullshit tumbles down the page on their social newsfeeds when the old standard media has also decided that fact checking is so twenty years ago. Here's why nobody likes you anymore, Old Media: there was a time when you did research and investigations to discover the truth of a matter. Now all you do is report what other people are saying and giving equal time to lies and bullshit so that the viewer can decide the truth. That's never been the media's job, you dickheads. Stop playing politics and get back to investigation and research or else the entire world is just going to listen to their friend's cousin's uncle's hairdresser before they listen to you.

Also, I'm so sick of this Wonder Girl/Superboy pseudo-relationship thing. It was never a thing in The New 52 so stop trying to recall their past relationship from an entirely different universe. All they've really done is punch each other in the face while saying things like "If you weren't such a murderous dick, I'd totally suck your dick!" and "I'm going to punch you in the tits or put my dick between them! I haven't decided yet!"

John Jones, detective with a penchant for Oreos!

Red Robin and Wonder Girl discuss Kon and how he became their friend even though they knew he was a living weapon. I'm not really sure how friendly they all became. I know Superboy and Bunker went out on a few dates. But Superboy wasn't even Kon for half the time they knew him! He was Jon! I think. Superboy's history is kind of confusing. But anyway, Wonder Girl doesn't seem to be crushing on him at all like Lobdell was trying to make it. She still doesn't really trust him. I approve of that even though she'll probably be kissing him before the end of the issue.

Martian Manhunter reads Kon's mind and finds out he did kill those people. But it turns out they were Durlans. Those are shape-changers for anybody that doesn't care about the Legion of Super-heroes. So he probably had a good reason to kill them since Durlans are always making trouble with their ability to hide among other species for their own conniving purposes.

Raven is hanging out with the band she inspired, Dark Mistress. Unless it's Night Mistress. The band doesn't even know. But then they're kind of stupid assholes.

So "black-white" is a metaphor for "night-dark." Idiot. By the way, the whole "it's a metaphor" meme? Never, ever funny. About as entertaining as planking.

Martian Manhunter is upset that Superboy killed the hidden Durlans although Martian Manhunter can sympathize even though Durlans are jerks! Didn't Hal Jordan mention how they tried to take over the universe and destroy the reputation of the Green Lantern Corps?

Martian Manhunter points out that "there are thirty-seven words for justice on Mars" and how "there is no word for mercy." Well then, you fucking piece of shit, your justice didn't really mean much, did it? Martians were probably just a bunch of bureaucratic assholes full of pent-up rage. Did one of those thirty-seven words happen to mean "killing somebody that might possibly have murdered a whole bunch of other people but not actually having any real proof yet"? Also, if Martian Manhunter is going to kill Superboy because he killed a bunch of aliens that may or may not have been trying to conquer Earth, he might want to go strangle Batman after this since he recently dropped a load of aliens into a volcano.

Martian Manhunter and the final Durlan, Ra'ut, get into an eye-beam battle over whether or not Superboy is at fault for the death of the Durlans. I know J'onn is often portrayed as stodgy and boring so it's nice when he's given some personality. But not this. He's the guy you go to for calm and rational. Even if this situation has hit a nerve, I just don't buy it that he'd fly off the handle like this and engage in a battle in the middle of a police precinct that could cause more deaths. But drama! This is drama! And that makes good comic books! Fight, heroes! Fight!

Superboy and Ra'ut escape from Martian Manhunter. Kon decides to call Tim for a little help even though the Teen Titans will be the first place anybody looks for him! Normally I'd say it wouldn't be but according to the comic book, everybody knows everything about the Titans and loves them and they also love Superboy because he was kind of part of the team when nobody knew who they were.

Allegedly! Allegedly killed twenty-two innocent people!

Wonder Girl slaps Superboy and wonders why he didn't tell them he was back from the future. Well, actually, Wonder Girl...he's back from the dead. See, the future Superboy was not this Superboy! This Superboy was dead and acting as a Silver Surfer Wannabe for that piece of shit garbage Oracle character created by a piece of shit garbage writer. I don't even think this Superboy would know what you're talking about with the future shit! He's had a bit of a complicated life lately.

As the Titans try to figure out what to do with Superboy in his new metaphor (God I hate that I typed that), J'onn J'onzz comes crashing through the wall because he's a thoughtless, destructive dick. No wait. That's somebody else. This must not be Martian Manhunter. It's probably a Durlan because J'onn wouldn't act like a careless asshole.

Martian Manhunter punches Gar in the head and probably kills him. Then he blasts Raven with heat vision and probably kills her. Then he makes green ring things at Red Robin and probably kills him. He does know he's the most powerful super hero on Earth and he's fighting a bunch of teenagers for no reason, right? I'm also pretty sure that he can phase so he didn't need to smash through the wall and possibly ruin the integrity of a skyscraper thus endangering hundreds of lives. Martian Manhunter is a dick.

Superboy knocks out J'onn J'onzz because this is a Teen Titans comic. Sorry, J'onn! Also, you were kind of asking for it. Although when Manchester Black shows up and decides to use you for a couch, that's maybe going a little too far. I think it also might be racist somehow.

Red Robin, Bunker, Beast Boy, Raven, Superboy, and Ra'ut scarper. They have to go to ground while they figure out how to clear Superboy's name. Too bad! They were just getting famous for being the good guys! I guess that's not DC's way though. They'd rather have the Teen Titans miserable and constantly on the run. I think it's a metaphor! You know, for teen angst and how adults never understand?

Manchester Black arrives to convince Power Girl and Wonder Girl to join STAR Labs new group of super heroes. I'm not sure why Manchester Black has been so interested in getting the Teen Titans to work for him when he has his own team of heroes. I guess he just wanted a bigger roster.

Meet the new teen members: Klarion! Impulse! The Guardian! An Indigo Lantern! And the snake is probably Martian Girl! Unless Ra'ut winds up being Martian Girl even though she's a Durlan and not a White Martian.

Teen Titans Annual #1 Rating: Why is this book slipping right into the shit that made it so horrible way back in the Harvest days? Once again, we have the Teen Titans on the run from other teen heroes working for a shady corporation with lots of periods in its name. I think it's Superboy's fault. Can DC Comics just keep Superboy out of every other comic book until they figure out who he is and what they should do with him? His confusing origin and back story and history and identity fucks up everybody else's good times. New 52 Superboy is a useless mess.

Teen Titans #8

Lost Boys movie pitch: "Imagine The Outsiders...as vampires!"

When I notice a person on Twitter who follows more than three figures worth of people, I assume they don't read their Twitter feed at all. They probably only read replies and direct messages. I only follow people on Twitter whose tweets I'm interested in reading and at forty-seven people, it's too much. I suppose if I stop following Gail Simone, my Twitter feed would be cut in half. That's an option I'm considering because I can't seem to not read all the new posts from the day before when I first get online. I'm too interested in everything the people I follow have to say and it takes too much time which usually means I need to drop people from my feed. It's all or nothing for me, I suppose.

I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm using social media haphazardly and incorrectly. I've got the wrong attitude when I think it's about the other people. It's actually about me, isn't it? I'm supposed to make it completely about me! It's the way I approach my comic book blog which is the lamest "social media" experience there is! It's all about the tweets and the status updates and the animated gifs! If I can't boil my comic book commentary down to 140 characters or one hilarious reaction gif then I must be a long-winded witless bore and not very internet savvy. Fucking blogosphere. More like lame-ass-curmudgeon-sphere, amirite?

I think staring at these Teen Titans Lost Boys has gotten my old man dander up! "I don't fit into this world anymore! What's happening?! Why is everything moving so fast?!" Last year was the first year I finally felt like video games have begun to leave me behind. I'm forty-three and I've been gaming since whenever Stunt Cycle came out. Princess Wikipedia says Atari released home console versions of it in 1976.

Here is Stunt Cycle for all y'all that have never even heard of the fucking thing. As Princess Wikipedia notes, these were the years when Evel Knievel was everywhere jumping canyons and Las Vegas fountains and whatever the fuck he could find. I had an Evel Knievel doll with a motorcycle that you placed in this gizmo which you cranked up really quickly and then hit a button to release the motorcycle and he'd fly off whatever huge drop you could find to launch him over. That's probably the toy I most wish I still had.

Anyway, last November the new Call of Duty came out and it's so fucking twitchy that I can't stand it. It's the first video game I've played that I can tell was made for a generation that has completely different attitudes toward gaming. Titanfall had jump jets as well but the pacing and play was smoother and more streamlined. But the Call of Duty jump jets just make everything erratic and insane. But the kids seem to love it, I guess. I'm not horrible at it, so at least I know I still have my gaming skills at middle age. But I just don't like it. It's like trying to kill mosquitoes with a water pistol. I'm assuming. I've never tried that but that feels like it would be as annoying as the new Call of Duty gameplay.

I long for the days of print pornography! End old man rant.

Who's ready to find out what Manchester Black and his buddies are up to?! Yeah, I'm not really that excited either. But I'm sure Kenneth Rocafort's crazy ass lines drawn all over the comic book page will get me pumped up for it! It's like reading a High School year book from the eighties! "We're wild and we're young and we've got zig zaggy neon pink lines all over the place to prove it!"

Why is Bunker declaring New York the greatest city on Earth? He must have discovered Chelsea.

Manchester Black continues to evade actually answering any of Red Robin or Raven's questions so they shrug their shoulders and continue to trust him. Why not? He has a Union Jack tattoo covering his always bare chest, he smokes constantly, he's a tomato goblin, he's purposefully mysterious, and he tells half-truths in a fancy accent. If you can't trust a guy like that, who can you trust?

Manchester Black asks Raven to transport them to a surprise location where the Titans totally won't regret having trusted him at all.

The location winds up being a celebration in honor of the Teen Titans having saved New York City. Manchester Black's proof that the citizens of New York love the Teen Titans is that they made signs. And who bothers making anything in this digital age, amirite?! The art of sign making went out with dot matrix printers and Print Shop, right? Please! Of course it didn't. What does Manchester Black think people do at rallies or concerts or behind the Good Morning America studio? Hold up their iPads with dumb messages typed out on them? Pshaw!

Manchester Black calls Red Robin "Tim" which seems like a bad idea. Tim Drake is supposed to be super smart so why is he being so carefree about his secret identity which can be traced back to Bruce Wayne by anybody that has been paying attention to any news out of Gotham City. Doesn't he know he has a responsibility not to tie Red Robin and Batman to Bruce Wayne? What a jerk.

Although, I suppose only Lex Luthor is smart enough to make the connection.

After the celebration the main characters of the Teen Titans (Josiah Power and Manchester Black), investigate Brooks' (the bad guy the Titans supposedly just beat but if you ask Brooks about it, he'd say it was "all part of the plan") escape on his way to prison.

Oh yeah! Because a maniacal genius that managed to live to 104 years of age wouldn't have the ability to fake his own death to this degree. Start thinking like you guys are in a comic book, guys! Because you are! Sheesh.

Of course the fame begins going to the heads of certain Teen Titans. That plot point is as expected as the power corrupts absolutely plot that constantly creeps back over and over and over again. Besides, these are the Teen Titans of the Me Generation! I'm not sure it's particularly fair to label this generation the Me Generation when the Baby Boomers did everything for their own selfish desires first. I mean, who doesn't? But still, they protested Vietnam because it was the right thing to do and, oh, by the way, they didn't want to die either. That's not a criticism! That's a good reason to protest war especially when the war is bullshit. But then they abandoned all of those hippie philosophies that paid dividends in their youth for wall street and high paying corporate gigs which could pay dividends in their old age. They were the assholes that thought up that fucked up slogan about not having a heart if you're not liberal when young and not having a brain if you're not conservative when older. Fuck you assholes. But labeling the current generation the Me Generation does fit in the social media and fame context. Every generation has been obsessed with fame, the famous, and becoming famous. But this is the first generation that has been told anybody can become famous for way longer than fifteen minutes and for no particular reason at all and with barely any effort. You just need the right people to see what you can do or film the stupidest fucking thing for the internet or steal just the right jokes on Twitter to amass a huge following. And corporations make so much money on finding "talent" that they keep broadcasting the message that fame is the greatest thing a person can strive for and that the only way to get it is by being discovered on national television.

Um, anyway, Garfield Logan has been tapped to host Saturday Night Live (or whatever the stupid fucking DC Comics version of it is. Just use the real world names of things, you assholes) and he's getting all kinds of attention from stupid fucking pieces of shit that say things like "the business we call show!" I didn't mean to insult Hedwig with that line because I love Hedwig but come on! Just say show business!

Apparently the band based on cosplaying Raven has also become famous overnight. DUE TO A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL!

A riot almost breaks out at the concert but Raven stops it with her Feelies Power. Then the lead singer is all, "And people constantly ask me why we started a tribute band for her. I mean, actually they ask me, 'Who the fuck is Raven?' And I'd be all, 'You don't remember that person with the feathery clam face mask that nobody knew about but we somehow discovered somehow or something?' And they'd be all, 'What the fuck are you talking about?' And I'd be all, 'That night that demon attacked and nobody knew what was going on but the military died and everybody blamed the Teen Titans who nobody had actually heard of before that? You don't remember?' And they'd be all, 'Show me your tits.' And I'd be all, 'Ugh!'"

Later, Wonder Girl deals with a Glasshole.

Where do these superheroes actually keep their phones? For once there's a good reason to have at least one of those pouches from the nineties and they're nowhere to be seen! I guess Power Girl's teensy, tiny jacket probably has at least one teensy, tiny pocket somewhere on it.

If I were Wonder Girl, I'd be a little bit upset after kicking this guy's ass to look over my shoulder and see everybody checking their phones instead of watching my awesome body slamming moves. And they call themselves obsessed stalkers fans! For shame!

Last issue, I was happy that the Teen Titans were being recognized as a team of heroes fighting crime in New York. This issue, I'm saddened by the immediate turn it took into a look at obsessing over fame. Couldn't Pfeifer have dragged this out more? Did everybody have to instantly be skyrocketed into stardom fifteen minutes after saving the city? I suppose that's the way it seems to work nowadays and I'm letting my old man show again. But it's shit like this following panel that just annoys the fuck out of me:

Fuck you and "going viral." Nobody cares about actually creating anything anymore. They just want a million views for any fucking thing.

"Going viral" is a pretty apt term for internet fame. Just like a virus, nobody can guess who it's going to infect. And once infected, a person passes it on to everybody they come in contact with for a few days. Then they shake it off and forget about it and go on with their lives. I think the term should be called "shooting up." Because it shoots a person's fame into the stratosphere and makes them feel like they're on heroin. But the high only lasts so long before they need another hit.

And this idiot that is going to "become famous" for being a guy that ran up on stage and was beaten by Beast Boy? How does that fame work? Is he going to get future jobs where he gets beaten down by famous super heroes? Or is he just happy to be recognized on the street? The only thing this guy makes me want to do is to stop being lazy and shave. You now how fucking horrifying it is to walk around Portland with a huge beard? It's embarrassing! I haven't shaved since my cat Judas died. Not for any particular reason but I could barely be bothered to shave before he died and fuck if I care at all now. But when people see me and think my beard is an aesthetic choice as opposed to just not being able to bring myself to shave? Ugh. I feel like a creep!

Oh fuck off of my lawn already!

Everything that I find the Batgirl crew are doing right in their comic book by letting Batgirl interact with an actual modern Gotham City as she tries to find herself outside of the Batfamily and amongst the people of her generation, I find being used like a hammer here. I get it! People want fame! People want to exploit other people's need for fame for money! Beast Boy and Bunker are fame whores and idiots! People want to get beat up by Wonder Girl on camera for their YouTube Channel! Red Robin is probably going to start a podcast which will be an instant hit! I think I really am more interested in Josiah Power and Manchester Black now!

Speaking of Manchester Black, he's decided to go point out to Red Robin that all of Red Robin's friends have become instant celebrities and are enjoying their fame because they're stupid fucking assholes. And now he's wondering why Red Robin isn't having fun being a stupid fucking asshole too!

Red Robin, being a genius, is busy trying to fight crime and uncover secrets to stop future crime! He doesn't care about internet fame. But just wait until Trigon releases the Red Robin sex tapes he filmed while possessing him! Everybody will want an interview with Red Robin after that. But since iPhones have taken the place of the ubiquitous televisions in the background playing the news, Manchester Black has a new plot thread right in his hand!

To be fair to cell phones, finding out about plot threads via cell phones is way more believable than those fucking televisions constantly on everywhere reporting exactly the news that the heroes need to hear.

Teen Titans #8 Rating: No change. I actually want to drop this a few ranks but I think I'm too close to it! My bias is a radioactive cloud turning me into a sort of rampaging, half-hearted Hulk. Other people can determine if they enjoy this kind of portrayal of the Teen Titans. Power Girl, Wonder Girl, and Raven really didn't get enough attention this issue but I think they'll be more on Red Robin's side about all this fame being a distraction. But I can't stand to see Miguel and Gar treated like stupidly shallow, fame-obsessed assholes. Especially since their friendship is supposed to be a shining light in this comic book. But now Pfeifer is putting them at odds on their quest for fame. Bah. I don't need more friendships falling apart in comic books! I need more friends in comics backing each other up and always being their for one another and showing that their love for each other exceeds all other bullshit! Ugh. Whatever! I'm off to make a viral video that involves Star Wars figures and my asshole.

One last thing that pissed me off was the closing blurb: "Continued in the Teen Titans Annual!" Fuck. I was hoping with all this Convergence stuff that we wouldn't get fucking annuals in April.