Kamandi Challenge #5

Kamandi, The Last Girl On Earth, is getting super erotic.

When we last left Kamandi, the Last Girl on Earth, she was involved in a death race style competition with the Kanga Rat Murder Society. It's just what they do with every survivor of a plane crash they find wandering the wastes near the Great Western Wall of Mystery and Awe. It's not surprising since that's what Australians currently do anyway. "Hey mate!" they would say in a really stereotypical and terrible version of their Australian accent (which is the best I can manage, even when I'm just writing it) "'Ow about gittin' a spinggrok on the kill-em-magoo?!" Then they all wave their dicks towards New Zealand, slam a beer, pretend not to see the indigenous Australians nearby, and spit, "I reckon crikey maybe gosswizzers fligarmalarkey!"

Meanwhile as I, an American, poke fun at Australians, they've enacted sensible gun laws.

I suppose the Kanga Rat Murder Society sit and stew in boredom most of the time. If Kangaroos can get hard-ons, I bet the collective "boing" of their rods stiffening when they realized somebody had crashed a plane nearby cracked the sound barrier, shattering beer mugs and didgeridoos all across the Outback. Now they get to chase Kamandi and Fuck Plant all across the Outback throwing boomerangs and whatever other weapons are still legal in Australia. You can't outlaw boomerangs because boomerangs don't kill people because people can't throw boomerangs effectively. I mean people kill people. I mean Kanga Rat Murder Society kills people. Also guns. Guns kill people. Also other things. Lots of other things kill people. But most of them aren't as effective as guns. Or the United States military.

This is Kamandi's friend, Fuck Plant. Excuse me while I research nearby nurseries online with my pants off.

I meant the kind of nursery where they grow plants and not the kind where they grow children, you sicko pervert!

To keep from being Kanga Rat murdererd, Fuck Plant drives herself and Kamandi off a cliff and into the sea. They survive because she turns herself into a protective womb to wrap around Kamandi. Kamandi thinks, "Am I in Fuck Plant's vagina?" They hit the water and Kamandi is knocked out before she can finish masturbating.

Three days later, Kamandi wakes up. For some reason, she isn't hungry or thirsty. Probably because Fuck Plant isn't just good for fucking; she's also entirely edible! She's probably been stuffing pieces of herself into Kamandi. Not in a sexy way! In a nutritional way! I suppose that's still sexy for weirdo perverts who get off on people eating.

Kamandi is eventually plucked out of the sea by Babal Crow, a sea captain who is also a dog. He is the captain of a paddle steamer. Get it? Doggy paddle? That's a good joke, right?! He doesn't call himself and his crew pirates. No, they're "Free Traders" who are loyal to no nation. Kamandi asks about Fuck Plant and Babel is all, "Oh cute. You fucked your raft? Good and proper thing to do. But we left it in the ocean because gross." Kamandi shrugs and gets on with her life.

After the paddle steamer comes ashore on some jungle continent, Kamandi winds up sidekicking with Raja Maccao, ex-wrestling tiger now turned world's greatest detective. But he's too busy to solve Kamandi's Challenge before they (or I!) solve it. They spend a few months wandering the jungle not solving any cases at all while Raja "Mack" Maccao tries to impress Kamandi with stories of all of his adventures. Kamandi continues to refuse to put a shirt on to cover her girl nipples. I continue to read this comic book in private.

One morning, Mack and Kamandi are attacked by panthers riding on the backs of various giant birds. It's like Elfquest Book Three all over again! Sort of.

To escape, Kamandi once again must plunge off of a cliff into water. Did Bill Willingham have a stroke partway through writing this script? I hope the cliffhanger doesn't have anything to do with Kamandi about to be murdered while near the edge of a cliff with water at the bottom.

Actually, Kamandi doesn't escape. But Mack does! He probably won't reappear until the end of the series. He did confess that he was searching for somebody but never mentioned who it was. I bet he was searching for Kamandi! Or maybe Doctor Canis. Or, perhaps, Doctor Vokolo, the lemur who can doctor! Mack was, after all, searching for somebody who could cure some stupid post-apocalyptic disease. Anyway, I suspect maybe he's searching for Doctor Vokolo because that's who Kamandi was just captured by. So the cliffhanger at the end should probably be solved by Mack rescuing Kamandi since Mack was searching for this place anyhow.

I might be getting ahead of myself though! With all the twists and turns these Kamandi Challenge stories take, anything could happen between now and the last few pages.

Doctor Vokolo needs to vivisect Kamandi so his 3-D Printer can learn to print human organs. Why he needs human organs when he's killing the last human on Earth to learn to make them, I don't know. I guess human organs will be used as replacement parts for the post-apocalyptic sentient pig people.

Mack does arrive to rescue Kamandi...but not in time!

Eep!

I think Bill Willingham wins for best cliffhanger so far! By the way, for those of you wondering how Kamandi is still alive without any organs, Doctor Vokolo explained it all earlier but it was too much technical mumbo-jumbo for the kinds of people who read my commentaries. I saved you a headache! Just know it probably makes sense.

Here's how I would solve this cliffhanger: Mack would force Doctor Vokolo to put Kamandi's brain into the body of a super sexy tiger lady. Then Mack would fuck Kamandi for nineteen pages. Then the cliffhanger would be Mack saying, "Oh no! My erection has lasted longer than four hours! What am I going to do?!"

Instead of having the essay by the previous writer answering how they would have solved their cliffhanger, once again readers are given a pile of dogshit from an artist who basically just says, "I loved drawing it! Whee!" I suppose James Tynion's resolution to his cliffhanger was just too boring and mediocre to publish. Anyway, next month is Steve Orlando! That's where we'll find out somebody is probably gay! Although why nobody came out as bisexual in Tynion's book is a huge mystery!

Detective Comics #956

Look at Cassandra's ass and see how much trouble comic book artists have drawing baggy clothing.

• Recently, Cassandra Cain defeated the entire League of Shadows by herself. Now she needs help defeating Shiva. That math works out to Shiva could probably defeat the world in a one on seven billion cage match (if Cassandra were excluded! So seven billion minus one).

• Shiva declares she will never yield so she's about to get her ass beat by Batman and Cassandra and Batwing and Batwoman and Clayface and Azrael. But not Red Robin because he's dead. And not Spoiler because nobody really cares what happens to her. They only cared when she stopped existing during The New 52. Now that she's back, nobody who called for her return is buying comics with her in them and DC's executives are sitting in their offices going, "Why the fuck do we keep thinking fans actually want what they say they want?" But the joke is on them! Because what fans want is quite specific and they all want a different specific thing which means any move DC makes only brings back one fan who left angrily! And the move probably alienated a thousand more! Ha ha! Losers!

• The Colony has released a swarm of Nano-Bots that will kill everything they come in contact with. They're meant to just kill the League of Shadows because Jacob Kane doesn't realize his daughter and her friends are also in the League of Shadows' sewer hideout. Boy is he going to have egg on his face at his daughter's funeral!

• The final battle can't just be a physical brawl. It also has to be a debate. So, once again, some DC superheroes get embroiled in a discussion on whether to kill or not to kill! So fascinating! I just love whenever this topic is revisited every two or three times in ever fucking comic book.

"You're making false equivalencies!" is some top notch Batman battle repartee!

• Shiva sets the nuclear bomb to detonate in five minutes. Why in five minutes? Why doesn't she just blow it? Because she hopes to still get away? She must know that by giving herself time to escape, it also gives the good guys time to deactivate the bomb. Being a villain, she should also know that she won't escape and the good guys will disarm the bomb. Since she states she's not afraid to die for her objective, she really should just blow the thing immediately.

• I wonder if there is an OSHA for super villains and they're not allowed to have bombs or weapons of mass destruction that activate immediately? That would explain a lot of things. I bet the Super Villain OSHA even has regulations on presenting safety reminders to everybody involved before they activate their plan. Which is why they all have to monologue and reveal their plot.

• Shiva is all, "I know we should be fighting but I have a few things to say about Batman working for the Patriarchy!" But Cassandra is all, "Shut up while I prove not killing is better than killing by making you wish you had been killed! Ha ha!"

• Right when Cassandra feels she's making a connection with her mother which might possibly lead to an extended hug, Ra's shows up and shoots Shiva in the back. He's all, "I called her a rabid dog so you know I'm referencing Old Yeller but I really should have narrowed the allusion to Of Mice and Men."

• Before Shiva dies, she whispers something to Cassandra. I'm pretty sure Cassandra would rather have had a hug.

• Ra's helps disarm the bomb and takes the League of Shadows into custody while Batman stands by with his limp dick in his hands.

In the epilogue, Batwoman cosplays Desire of the Endless.

• Batman decides the Bat-Team is going to need some magic help in the upcoming war against the League of Assassins. I hope he's going to look up his old friend, Jason Blood!

• The next month blurb reads "Spoiler Alert!" Hasn't that been used enough? Can we retire it yet?

Detective Comics #955

You know what kind of people I despise (other than people who think Trump is intelligent)? People who have to point out that writing DC Comics is tantamount to saying Detective Comics Comics. I mean, it is! But it's not ridiculous to say that. Detective Comics is the name of the company. They print comics. Those comics could be described as Detective Comics comics. Duh! Get a life, you stupid fucking Actually Nerds. Also, stop telling me it's Frankenstein's Monster. I know, you fuck basket! But some of us are lazy and enjoy shortening that to just Frankenstein. If I want to speak about his creator, I'll use his fucking title, Doctor! Get it, dick snap? And if I say ATM Machine, don't fucking correct me because I'm talking about my masturbation machine that enables me to ass to mouth myself. Now if I said I've got my self-contained underwater breathing apparatus scuba gear then you can get on my case. But only then, you stunted pharmaceutical representative.

Last issue ended with the question, "How is anybody going to stop the League of Shadows?!" No wait. It ended with the answer to that question as Cassandra Cain showed up on their doorstep with dozens of murdered League of Shadow assassins. See, this entire story arc (practically since Rebirth (and including Batman and Robin Eternal)) has been about teaching the reader that Cassandra Cain is the most dangerous and formidable fighter in the DC Universe. Usually comic book companies like to be a bit ambiguous about which heroes can beat up which other heroes. That's call Stan Lee's Law (otherwise known as the Fangenders Can Get Pretty Angry If Their Favorite Character Gets Their Ass Beat By Another Hero They Hate So You'd Better Never Have A Fight Between Heroes Reach A Satisfying Conclusion Theorem).

Last night while I was dreaming, I kept reminding myself, in my dream, to remember to use this in conversation at some point: "Has there ever been a serial killer who was also a magician? Because then he would be a serial nerderer." Man, my dream self was on fire last night.

This issue begins with...oh, let's face it. Who cares, really? I haven't even opened the comic book yet and I already know what's going to happen. Cassandra Cain is going to kick the ass of every League of Shadow assassin. Then she's going to face off against Lady Shiva who will dare her to kill her. But then when she's about to kill her, tears streaming down her face, Batman will be all, "You can't! You can't kill! If you don't kill, I will give you another hug!" Then she'll stab her blade down at Shiva's face but it will miss by a milliliter, exactly like she planned it. Also, I'm not good with metric measurements. After that, Cassandra will run into Batman's arms and she'll feel satiated. Meanwhile, Batman will roll his eyes at the other Bat-Kids standing behind Cassandra and point down at her miming, "What a fucking handful, amirite?!"

While Cassandra plays out her fairy tale (see, that's why she took the name Orphan. Because she's like the lost princess in the woods who has to lure a wolf to her mother's cabin so he'll eat the woodsman who's been sexually harassing her for months (no wait. That's not the fairy tale she's living out. I think she's just living out a general fairy tale theme of lost parents and hidden identities)), Batwoman, Batwing, and Azrael have been chained up naked next to a thermonuclear bomb underneath Gotham City.

Why would somebody hide a utility belt in hollow teeth when they have buttholes and vaginas? And, if we're talking about Batman, a thoroughly gauged urethra! I've talked about his practice of gauging before!

When I was younger and somebody mentioned gauging, we knew it meant expanding the urethra in your penis. But now everybody thinks people are talking about increasing the size of the hole in your earlobe. Bah! Kids today are so tame with their body modifications.

The Bat Gang decide the only thing they can do is wait for Batman to save them. That's when Batman is tossed on the floor in front of them and put up in chains beside them. That's when Shiva explains that Gotham City is going to die in under an hour. That's when a League of Shadows flunky runs up and exclaims, "There's a little girl killing us all in the west corridor! We're nowhere near as great at assassinating as we thought! Eeep!"

Before Cassandra can destroy the entire League of Shadows all by herself, she needs to experience the flashback where the dancer she used to stalk gives her a hug and tells her she's not broken. Oh, because she knows so much about Cassandra, right?! This scene may as well have been Cassandra feeling sorry for herself while scrolling through Tumblr and stumbling upon one of those ridiculous affirmation sites that tell sad people that they're worth it, even when the sad person knows, deep down, that they totally aren't worth it. But people who don't hate themselves see those sites and get huge boners over them. Ugh. Those sites are the fucking worst. Get out of here with your cute animals vomiting forth insipid bullshit!

I'm just angry that those unimaginative, barely creative sites get so much love and attention while my bitter site full of vitriol and hatred hardly makes a blip on the Googles.

The dancer explains a book to Cassandra and Cassandra is all, "Oh yeah! Thanks! I needed somebody to tell me how to feel differently about the way I felt about the way people told me how to feel! Now I feel in control of my life thanks to you explaining how I should perceive my life through your perspective! I'm totally myself now!" Then Cassandra rushes off to save Batman and the others and possibly the entire world.

The issue ends with just Shiva left standing to face Cassandra. Shiva says, "You think you can fight me alone? After destroying hundreds of my elite soldiers alone, you think that makes you strong enough to defeat me?!" And Cassandra is all, "No! That's why I saved Batman and the others first, dummy!" Although she says it with less words. So the moral of the story is to rely on yourself sometimes and then, at other times, to rely on your friends. I wish the story would explain when each of those times were. Because it would seem to me that I should rely on myself when I had to fight just one person and not ask my friends to gang up on that one person. And then I should rely on my friends when I'm being swarmed with enemies. But this story is all, "No, no! That's totally backwards, stupid!" And I'm all, "Stop calling me stupid, comic books!" And my comic books are all, "Hee hee. What a dufus."

The Ranking!
I don't have time to rank this! I have to go cry in another room where my jerko comic books can't see me.

Detective Comics #954

Ra's shows off his big dick.

The Review!
In this issue, Batman gets fucking duped by Ra's al Ghul. He has a history of being duped by al Ghuls. This time probably isn't as bad as the time Talia scraped Bruce's Bat-semen out of the condom carelessly tossed in her bathroom trash can and then incubated Damian in a glass womb. But it was close! Ra's convinces Batman that they can work together to defeat the Court of Shadows and then he yells "Psyche!" while blowing paralytic powder into Batman's face. Ra's then gives Batman to Shiva as a peace offering so that Shiva will stop kicking his ass and killing his men. But that's not the most important part of this comic book. No, the most important part of this comic book is James Tynion IV introducing us to his Mary Sue character.

"The fans are going to love me! I mean him!"

The reason I know this is James Tynion IV inserting himself into the comic is that James Tynion IV loves to fuck guns. So it's totally obvious. This guy may have been introduced in an earlier issue and I just missed it because he didn't make a big deal about fucking his guns. I don't think he gives his name but the other member of Black Alpha Total Mystery Aggression Nerd Squad's name is Cooper. He has lots of tattoos and is also bald. I think he's James Tynion IV's penis's Mary Sue character.

The Ranking!
No change! I wonder how many people on Tumblr instantly declared this gun fucker as their favorite character? I hate him! He's immoral! It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Smith and Wesson! Oh, also his mustache is stupid.

Justice League of America #4

In my memory, this is every cover of Justice League International.

The Review!
Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo! Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo? Lobo Lobo! Lobo, Lobo Lobo.

Lobo Lobo Lobo: Lobo Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo: Lobo, Lobo, Lobo, Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo.

Lobo!

Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo; Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. LOBO!

Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Black Canary's Tits Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo. Lobo, Lobo Lobo Lobo! Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo Lobo.

The Ranking!
+Lobo!

Justice League of America #1

Lobo tries to catch Ryan so he can shove him in his urethra.

• Now that Batman has his own Justice League of B-list heroes (and Lobo!), he gets to make the rules. He was tired of Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, and Cyborg thinking his rules were just "suggestions." And no, I didn't forget to leave Aquaman off that list. Fuck Aquaman.

• Now that I've said "Fuck Aquaman" (again), I have to wonder if Aquaman wasn't the entire reason Batman moved on to form his own Justice League. As the leader of the Justice League of America, he gets to recruit the members which ensures that no useless, fishy heroes will embarrass and dilute the brand.

• This issue begins with Batman justifying his new League to Vixen. "The Justice League watches from above. That's not good enough anymore. The crime needs to be spotted from below! And at eye level! That means regular people! Common folk, like gays and blacks and women and migrants and super cool bad-ass alien assassins. I'm the only straight white American-born guy on this team so nobody will outshine me!" Vixen listens and channels whatever animal is best at side-eye. Probably a housecat, right?

Stop exaggerating for dramatic effect, Vixen! You know the only people causing problems on the team are Killer Frost and Lobo.

• If I take Vixen's statement literally, I have to assume that The Atom is a homophobe, Vixen is a Hong Konger hater, Killer Frost is racist, Black Canary hates men, and The Ray keeps rubbing his boner on Lobo. Fine, I don't have to assume all of that! But I'd like to.

• Batman is all, "People need to see heroes are human! That's why I created this team!" Then he scoots in front of Lobo and opens his cape wide so Vixen can't see him. "See? Humans!"

• While Batman and Vixen discuss the philosophy of the team, Black Canary and The Ray are rescuing people from a burning building in Vanity, Oregon.

Batman just got done discussing how these heroes are human and here's one of the most human of them jumping out of a second story window clutching two people in her arms. I guess her Canary Cry helps with landing safely?

• Lobo is off on his own rescuing dolphins from magma sea trolls because, as I pointed out in my last review, he loves dolphins. Technically, does this make him the Aquaman of the group? If so, Aquaman should just retire forever.

• Frost and Atom are busy fixing up The Sanctuary in Happy Harbor. They're working on something Ryan terribly named The Troubalert. Get it?!

• While all of that other shit is going on, the team's first main threat appears in Saratoga, New York. And this threat isn't just a bunch of chumps! They took down the Post-Crisis Justice League International! Although, to be fair, a bunch of chumps probably could have taken down the Post-Crisis Justice League International.

The Extremists!

• Lord Havok announces that he and his crew have come to save Earth before it burns like his Earth. Some police immediately pull up, profile them as super-villains, and pull their guns. What kind of a welcome is that? Peace officers, my ass!

• After reading a couple more pages, I should probably apologize to the police officers and my ass. The Extremists idea of "saving the world" seems to be that one where they destroy everything and kill everybody before they can do it to themselves. It's not the greatest interpretation of the definition of the word "save," but at least it makes for an exciting comic book.

Lord Havok isn't saying anything I haven't already said in this blog. It's just that I don't burn down a city every time I publish another blog post.

• Lord Havok and I differ on our reactions to the reality that civilization is constantly just one step away from chaos. He sees it through the eyes of fear, the way a lot of American citizens see it. Too much freedom leads to too many possible chances for bad people to do violent things. I see it through the eyes of a cheerful optimist who thinks, "I could stab my neighbor in the face any time I want but I don't. And even more likely, he won't do it to me. I can live with this agreement."

• The Extremists have decided the only way to save Earth is to rule it themselves. That sounds like maybe they're not really too concerned about the Earth and maybe just a teensy bit more concerned with power.

• Thankfully, the Justice League arrives so I can make a stupid joke!

Especially if they're metric!

• The big fight doesn't start after Vixen has her say. Batman has to mouth off first! He's all, "I'm the Batman!" No wait. He doesn't say that this time. I guess that's too cliché, especially when the bad guy directly asks, "Who are you?" After that, the big fight starts! There are so many different characters that it might last six issues.

• According to the big first panel splash of the battle, Lobo is going against Gorgon. That's the only fight I care about. Hopefully it doesn't take place behind a bar and then Lobo's hand appears to grab a cigar and to indicate who won.

• The fight ends abruptly just as Lord Havok is about to decapitate The Atom. Batman calls a halt to it and trades his life for Ryan's. Not that Batman gets decapitated at the end of this issue. That probably won't happen until the beginning of the next one.

The Ranking!
Plus a jizzillion! That's as many pluses as there are sperm in one spurt of semen. Maybe a few less because Lobo wasn't the focus of this issue. But he was still in it so this is still the best comic book your money can buy. Also, this was one of those issues where the name of the story appears on the last page and I'm glad it did. This story was called "The Extremists" and that would have spoiled the surprise for me when I turned the page to see Lord Havok and the gang standing there.

Superman #14

Prologue to some kind of crisis of infinite proportions.

• DC Comics has no idea what they want their comic book universe to look like. Infinite Earths? Way too fucking confusing! How about just one? You know what? That kind of hampers Flash so let's give the universe some alternate Earths but not too many. Also, maybe we can call them different timelines which are totally different than alternate dimensions. But altering the structure of the universe alters the history of the characters and even tough we totally embraced having a world where both Wonder Girl and Wonder Woman coexist even if they were originally the same character at different ages, we'd better restructure everybody's pasts with some kind of zero hour re-origining. Oh, you know what? Dan Jurgens still thinks Booster Gold should be super important so lets do something with him and Rip Hunter to make the universe more interesting. Although more interesting also means more confusing so maybe we can fix some stuff by having Superboy punch the fuck out of all of it? There! Perfect! Except, you know what? Maybe we should just scrap it all and start over! We'll hire all of the shittiest writers from Marvel and tell them just one world with no alternate timelines and no time travel! Boom! Totally fixed. Hey. What the fuck are Lobdell and DeFalco doing? We said no time travel, you idiots! Oh? The time travelers are from a different future timeline where they can time travel? Makes sense! Go for it! I mean, Ann Nocenti is making Oliver Queen soliloquize on a rooftop so do we really give a fuck anymore? You know what! We do! We've heard a few vague whispers that maybe some people might possibly miss Wally West and the legacy heroes! Let's bring them back and restart starting over! We'll blame The New 52 on the Watchmen (read: fans) and be all, "Rebirth, bitches! This is the universe we wanted to write about but you all demanded something that sucked!" I imagine this whole Multiplicity thing is going to throw a few wrenches into the already broken machinery of the DC Universe.

• This issue begins with Clark Smith almost running over Russian Superman. Does this have something to do with Trump's presidency?

• The Russian Superman warns Preboot Superman that some guy named Prophecy is collecting Superman the way nerds collect Magic the Gathering cards. I only use that simile so that maybe I can work in how unpleasant Magic the Gathering players are. They totally are!

• To be fair, I should tell this story! An ex-girlfriend of mine (before she was an ex) and I were at the laundromat one day opening up some Magic the Gathering packs. The Dark had been out for quite a while but Fallen Empires had yet to be published. We were pretty new to the game. Some college kid (I say kid but he was about our age (I guess we were kids then too!)) noticed us and I saw him take off. We were near the Santa Clara University dorms and he probably rushed back to his room to get his cards. He came back and engaged us on the hobby. He saw our enthusiasm for this new game and was just as excited to talk to us about it. While checking out our cards, he gave us both a Maze of Ith from The Dark set. So, you know, not all Magic the Gathering players are selfish, unsanitary wastes of space. That Maze of Ith he gave me was the only one I ever owned, even after buying enough Dark pacts and making trades to finish the set.

• I don't like to offer evidence that disproves my broad brush statements! I'd rather just say terrible things and have people think, "What a fucking dick!" It's just more fun to write stuff like that! And if I don't care what my mother and father think of me, why the fuck would I care what some Internet nobody thinks of me?!

• Russian Superman escaped from Prophecy with some information! Not about who peed on what but about Prophecy's search for his next Magic Card: Kenan Kong! Oh no! Not New Super-man! He's my favorite! Asterisk!

• *: Kenan Kong is my favorite Chinese Superman and not my favorite comic book character. My favorite comic book character is Skywise.

• Prophecy collects his Supermen through the use of creatures he calls Gatherers. Like Magic the Gatherers!

You can tell they're from another dimension because they spell list with a y.

• Russian Superman came through the dimensional barrier speaking Russian. The Gatherers come through speaking English. Convenient!

• I bet they actually speak "Englysh."

• The Gatherers helpfully explain what Prophecy does with the people on the lyst. He processes them! He consumes them! He adds them to his deck! But Superman is all, "I have a punch and a hilarious battle retort for this whole lyst thing! Ready?!"

Ah ha ha ha ha! Get it?!

• The Gatherers don't seem confused by the mention of Santa Claus. I guess they know him!

• The Gatherers mention that Communist Superman is from Earth 30. So at least Rebirth is sticking to the Multiversity Guidebook. It's nice to know that the people in charge don't always throw out every good idea they have.

• Preboot Superman and Red Superman defeat the Gatherers just before the Multiversity House of Heroes appear. They have Red Racer from Earth 36 and Thunderer from Earth 7 and Obama Superman from Earth 23 and Lady Aquaman from Earth 11 and Mary Marvel from Earth 5 and Mecha-Armor Batman from Earth 16 and Abin Sur Green Lantern from Earth 20 and some Deathstork looking motherfucker from Earth I Don't Know. I'm happy to see Multiversity being picked up and used in Rebirth!

• President Superman explains that his team is called Justice League Incarnate. They protect the Multiverse from bad guys like the Anti-Monitor and The Gentry and Magic the Gathering players!

Boom! Nailed them all from the double splash page. Except Machinehead who is from the Marvel Universe Parody world of Earth 8.

• Kenan Kong is captured before the Justice League Incarnate can save him. But Preboot Superman manages to gather a Gatherer! They'll probably vivisect it to find the way to Prophecy's home universe.

• Elsewhere, Prophecy is busy constructing his deck. The next card he chooses is Captain Carrot whose power is consumed by Prophecy and Captain Carrot turns into a fuzzy little bunny who can't write comics at all. Probably. Also captured by Prophecy: Kenan Kong of Earth 0; Bizarro Superman of Earth 29; Vampire Superman of Earth 43; Prez Rickard's Pal, Superman of Earth 47; Super-Soldier of Earth 32; O.G. Superman of Earth 2; Lady Superman of Earth 11; Super Fascist of Earth 50; Pirate Superman of Earth 31; Golden Age Superman's super great grandchild of Earth 38; Super-branded Superman of Earth 45; Kingdom Come Superman of Earth 22; and Superman of the Earth One Prestige Format books. That's a lot of Supermen! Oh, and just for information's sake, Captain Carrot is from Earth 26!

• There will be a quiz.

The Ranking!
+1! Yay! I fucking love the Multiverse! DC made the biggest mistake of their lives with Crisis on Infinite Earths, even though it was the most exciting thing ever to be done at the time. The only fault with it is that the superheroes didn't exactly win since they only saved one Earth out of infinity. It was a much better idea (only thought of decades later) to have them save a few more than that.

Justice League of America Rebirth #1

Batman's mom made him a coat of many characters.

The Review!
Batman has probably quit more superhero teams than anybody in the history of comic books. That's probably a verifiable fact even though I don't know anything about the history of non-DC Comic books. I mean, Wolverine probably quit a lot of teams, right? I bet every time a new writer hopped on board the X-men, they were all, "Wolverine is a total loner! He doesn't fit on a team! I'll have him quit but then his Kitty Pryde Daddy Boner will bring him back because he actually has a heart (with an inappropriate boner!)!" Some of you didn't understand that sentence and are preparing to send me a poorly argued anonymous message. You can, if you want, but I'll just make you look stupid when I respond to it.

One of my main rules that keeps me sane while spending so much time on the Internet is to only ever respond to argumentative people once. That's because most people have terrible reading comprehension so they start arguments over things that were never said. If I write something and somebody responds angrily, I'll simply respond by either clarifying my statement (which I shouldn't have to do because if they missed the point the first time, they'll simply go on living with their assumption and completely ignore the clarification or think I'm backpedaling on my initial point) or simply tearing them a hilarious new asshole. It's not usually hilarious to them but it's fucking comedy gold to any nearby observers. On some rare occasions, I'll respond twice but it's always to the detriment of my own sanity. You can't engage with people who purposefully misinterpret everything so that they can be angrily self-righteous at the world. The trick to not getting ensnared by people who think they're great at arguing but are really just huge dopes is willpower. You just have to resist the urge to prove your point. You have to realize that no matter how clear you are, they just don't want to get your point. As soon as they chose to respond angrily to you, they think they've won. The fight is over. But they only really win when you devote any attention to them at all. I know it's common to say "Don't feed the trolls" but it works far better than people realize. They hate nothing more than people turning their backs on them.

Enough of that bullshit. I have a comic book with Lobo to read! Oh Lobo! You are the best character even though liking you is like admitting to unironically liking hair bands from the 80s! Liking Lobo is akin to putting on your spandex pants and your white leather jacket with all the fringes and heading down into the pit to mosh to Warrant and Poison opening for David Lee Roth. I don't care! I admit it! I love Lobo and Poison and high heel shoes!

Um, anyway, Batman is once again walking out on the Justice League to form his own group (although I won't admit to it outside of this parenthetical reference, he's probably just going to split his time between both teams). As I mentioned somewhere before, I would love for this to be a new Outsiders group. But I get how that would go against the theme of inclusion. Orlando doesn't want the audience to think of these gay and female and immigrant and black and bad-ass characters as outsiders. Orlando is stating, "This is America. These are the people who make up this country. Oh, and also a really fucking rich white dude telling the others what to do."

The Justice League of America (the better version of the Justice League because it has America in the title. U! S! A! U! S! A!) will have its headquarters in Happy Harbor, Rhode Island. It's the only time Rhode Island ever gets any love in fiction. The place is a disaster. I think the Crime Syndicate destroyed it. Unless it was the Manhunters. Who can remember now that this is Rebirth? Oh, and since this is the Rebirth issue, it will probably be twenty pages of the team sweeping up the cave and polishing steel and plugging the computers into power strips.

Oh! Before getting the team to clean the cave (which probably won't happen and Alfred will have to do it all himself), Batman has to recruit the team! I forgot he only recruited Lobo and Killer Frost so far.

The first person on the list is Black Canary's ass. That's a really decent first round pick.

Of course they always swing first! It's how comic books used to work! The bad guys were always bad. But then modern thought had to intrude and writers had to start asking questions like "But are they really?" and "What caused them to go bad?" and "If the bad guys aren't always bad, are the good guys always good?" and "What if we tear everything down and look at the whole superhero concept in ways that completely break the entire reason for the medium?!"

After watching the women fight for awhile, Batman makes his presence known. You'd think he would have tried to avoid unnecessary violence. You'd think that but his bat-boner would betray him.

Black Canary is already referring to Seattle as "her city." Don't you fucking hate recent transplants who go whole hog embracing their new homes? They're as bad as the local news who do ads that are basically handjobs for the egos of local residents. Here in Portland, one station has a promo that's all "Portlanders. We're thinkers and players. We're beer drinkers and wine tasters. We're super awesome at sex and we don't use umbrellas. We are so fucking righteously awesome guys! Watch our news!"

Batman explains that his team is a team of mortals and not a team of gods (except for Lobo, of course! Total god, that one). He also points out that Black Canary will be the team's conscience. I don't know how he figures that. I think he just wants to separate Black Canary from Green Arrow because he can. Batman probably hates Oliver Queen for stealing his rich white guy fighting street crime shtick.

Next up is Lobo who is hanging out in New Jersey for some reason. Maybe because his secret identity is Jon Bon Jovi!

That's a pretty good description of Lobo.

One of these days, I'm going to write a Shakespearean play about Lobo. It'll totally be easy because he's got that whole "stick to my word" honor thing which can easily turn his life upside-down. Too bad he doesn't have a daughter named after a sexually transmitted disease though.

So Killer Frost recruits Black Canary. Black Canary recruits Lobo. That means Lobo gets to recruit The Atom! I bet it involves human gauging!

Darn it. I wanted to see Ryan Choi inside Lobo's penis.

Now Ryan gets to recruit The Ray! I bet those two have a lot of fun together. Ray can turn into a beam of light and Ryan can ride him around! Probably. That sounds theoretically possible based on my high school knowledge of physics (which is mostly the knowledge of how many Gs the Tidal Wave roller coaster at Great America exerts on its passengers).

Next on the list is Vixen. You probably already know the list since you've seen the cover and possibly read all of the JLA Rebirth one shots. Vixen is currently hanging out in downtown Manhattan channeling koi. I guess she wants to suffocate? Oh, maybe it's some kind of catfish that produces electricity. I've never had one of those at Popeyes.

Batman tells Vixen that there is no team without her. That's a lie or else he'd have recruited her first! If she said no, was he going to fly back to Happy Harbor and call the whole thing off?

Now that the recruiting is done, it's time to call the first meeting of the Justice League of America to order!

I love you, Lobo!

Remember when Lobo first appeared in The Omega Men? Batman should have forced Lobo back into his purple and orange costume.

I love Lobo in a way that other people don't love Lobo. It's a special kind of love that most people don't understand. I don't care that he was meant to be an indictment of the grim and gritty mass killer characters popular among the moronic and stupid. Lobo, like Rorschach, transcended the authorial criticism inherent in his creation! Also he looks super cool and sexy, wears radical knee pads that don't make any fucking sense, rides a motorbike, looks like he's wearing clown make-up, has a butt-rocker sense of style, and is way into space dolphins. He's the fucking best ever.

Batman has a big speech that's basically "Representation matters!" If that's true of this team then Lobo represents me! He's bad-ass and great at math! I know I said I was not able to do math in a Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps commentary but that was a lie. In reality, when I walked into my calculus class as a senior and one of the nerdy kids looked at my cool-ass Lobo look (minus the clown make-up and knee pads), he was all, "What are you doing in this class?" I just lit my cigar and said, "Sit down, ya bastich." After I came back from the principal's office for smoking in class, I totally rocked that math!

There's an epilogue page that's not really an epilogue but one of those pages that was basically the entire story in Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #13 where it's just random images of future events to get fangenders and their crotches all worked up. This one shows Lobo and Ray about to kiss, Destiny talking to Killer Frost, Batman holding Liberty Belle's shield, and Ryan discovering Ray Palmer. Sounds super exciting!

The Ranking!
Best comic book ever! I mean, not really, but it features Lobo! Twenty stars! All the thumbs up! Fifteen tub girls! Super fantastic!

The Ray Rebirth #1

This comic just reminds me that I never read The Ray miniseries published at the start of The New 52.

The Ray is a kid named Ray whose father was the Original Ray of The Freedom Fighters. Unless it's different since this is Rebirth. All we're told for sure in this Rebirth Issue is that Ray inherited an "allergy" to light from his father. That allergy is really just a super-power where he gains energy from light. This origin story is his coming out story. Tired of hiding in the dark because he's different, Ray is inspired by an old childhood friend to embrace his true self and stop fearing what everybody else thinks of him. Especially the bigots in the Sons of Liberty super-villain group who want to keep their small town bubble life from popping. So they're all, "Ew! Immigrants and gays! They're ruining our town! We tolerate them in this town but only if they shut up and stay in the darkness! I mean, we must because the Sons of Liberty totally believe everybody hates them, right? Which means everybody will vote against this gay, biracial guy running for mayor! But, I mean, just in case, we have to stop him from becoming mayor to save our democracy!" Then The Ray saves the day by shining a light on the ignorance and hate!

What Did We Learn?
We learned that people hate people who are different. That's the general message in comic books and it's getting pretty depressing. I like to see people as being generally good-natured and willing to get along in a friendly manner. But the Non-Certified Spouse says I'm always giving people too much credit and maybe that's probably true. She's from Nebraska and I'm from the San Francisco Bay Area. Before all this talk of "bubbles," I had learned after traveling across the country and meeting other people that I absolutely did live in a bubble. But the bubble was one where people got along and differences weren't a fucking big deal and even in the 80s, the San Francisco Gay Pride Parade was televised on KOFY TV-20 every year. And yet now that bubble is constantly being attacked as if it's the wrong way of looking at things. If I grew up in a fucking bubble then thank the God I don't believe in that I did. Because I view the world in an optimistic way where most everybody gets along, and those who are hateful or bigoted are marginalized. You lose friends when you have those attitudes. You aren't respected when you cling to those prejudices. And maybe you look inward at some point and wonder why you're so angry and everybody else seems to be having a great fucking time at the roller disco. Yes, I grew up in a bubble. But that bubble should be the shining example of what this country should be. That bubble should grow bigger and be embraced rather than belittled and popped.

The Ranking!
Now that I've said all that, I think I've earned a moment to be super immature: The Ray?! More like The Gay, amirite?!

Batman Beyond #1

This looks better than I expected!

These covers where you're supposed to get an artist to draw some raunchy T&A shot of an underage character are wasted on me. Not because I'm against pervy men drawing fuck fantasies on my comic book covers! Because I never go out of the house and I never meet any artists and if I did, they would probably say, "Didn't you criticize my art and say you wish time travel were an actuality so you could go back in time and sew my mother's vagina shut?" And I would be all, "Lord no! That's violence against women which I don't agree with even in theoretical situations and imaginary conversations which I've written! Although that does sound vaguely familiar!" Then I'd get thrown out of my fourth San Diego Comic Con.

I've been to San Diego Comic Con three times (many, many, many years ago! Before it was cool and popular! People probably get laid there now, right?!). One of those times, I was there with Dan Santat, the creator of The Replacements cartoon. Dan was housemates with my friend Upright and we ate breakfast at The Broken Yolk Cafe in Pacific Beach. One of his characters in The Replacements was called Dick Daring. Which seemed odd since he did art for a fanzine some friends and I were writing called The Galactic Hero Corps which featured a character named Dirk Daring. Although what's even more odd is that my friends, who created Dirk Daring, didn't realize they were stealing the name from the video game, Dragon's Lair. Dum-dums!

I so rarely meet anybody or get to name drop that I figured I'd force that one in!

Here's Dan's rendition of Carlotta Everyday, a fourth dimensional superhero who just confused everybody around her. He was the best artist I ever had! Um, figuratively!

The second caption on the first page of this first issue of Batman Beyond has the word "butit" in it. I think that's a typo but since I don't know all of the words, I might be mistaken. I mean, is it more probable that it's a word I've never heard of or more probable that everybody getting this issue to print missed a typo on the first page of the first issue? That makes it seem like nobody gives a shit about this book? If nobody getting paid can be bothered to give a shit about this comic book then why should I pay money for it? See? That's so ridiculous that it must be a word I've never heard of.

This issue is called "Escaping the Grave" without a Part Two on it. That's weird because the Rebirth issue was called "Escaping the Grave, Part One." It's almost as if DC is pretending the Rebirth book doesn't exist at this point! Which really ticks off my wallet because I paid for that book and I want the information gleaned from it acknowledged in what is supposed to be the second part of the story! I'm really starting to lose my patience here, especially after that whole butit fiasco I mentioned just ten to twenty seconds ago, depending on how quickly you can read.

This is Terminal. He really fucking loves belts. And mascara!

I'm going to assume you didn't read my commentary on Batman Beyond Rebirth #1 where I hoped that The Joker being resurrected by Terminal was actually Lobo in which case I just told you that I said that there. Now you have all the information you need for why I'm so excited when Terminal calls The Joker "my main man"! I knew he had too many muscles to be The Joker! And since I'm not going to be reading Issue #2 of this series, I hope nothing in the next eighteen pages proves me wrong so I can continue to believe that I was right!

But seriously. Why does Terminal like belts so much? He even has belts on his arms! Is his fashion sense mental hospital chic?

Terry begins the issue under a ton of rubble because a building fell on him or something. I know I wanted the events of the Rebirth issue to have some consequences in this issue but, in reality, I can't even be bothered to remember how the Rebirth issue ended! I guess Terry got his ass kicked by the Venom Sucking Jokerz Gang Banger. Oh, and then got a building knocked on him. That makes sense though! Now the title can be both figurative and literal! Although I don't know if Terry crawling out from under the rubble is the literal part or Terry returning from death is the literal part. I've been sort of confused by the word "literal" lately.

Batman frees himself and continues the fight with the Venomized Jokerz Member again. You know, in a way that causes the previous battle in Rebirth not to matter at all!

Batman's secret identity is Bugs Bunny?

Terry almost gets killed fighting this guy who doesn't know his history and has confused Bane with The Joker. Stupid kids! They keep ignoring history, some day they're going to elect a fascist for president of the United States!

Terry winds up running because there are so many Jokerz and he's forgotten how to be Batman. I'm glad I'm not planning on reading this any further because I don't want to have to read a bunch of issues where he trains to get back into fighting shape. Isn't that what the Rebirth Issues are for? To get the characters back to the place they were before The New 52 ruined them? Or, at the very least, sort of close to that? The Rebirth Issue should have been one long training montage.

Back at the Batcave, Matt has brought in their friend Max to help out since Commissioner Gordon is too busy to do Bruce's job, which needs doing because Bruce apparently died in the beginning of Brother Eye's attack on the world. Which totally means he's not dead at all and he'll eventually reappear. Jurgens can't bring back the real Joker without also bringing back the real Bruce! They have to die in a repressed homosexual suicide act!

Terry decides the way to defeat Terminal is to infiltrate them as one of the Jokerz. So it's a good thing he has a spare Jokerz costume in the Batcave bathroom! And body paint. And hair dye. And make-up.

The Review!
In a shocking turn of events, I've read my last Batman Beyond comic book ever! I think I deserve some cake! If that wasn't a good enough review for a comic book reviewer, just remember that I'm not a reviewer! I'm a critic! Which means I'm critical of things! So critical that I can't be bothered to read this crap anymore.



*Copy and Pasted Bat Person Art Credit From "Bat Licking Penis" Google Image Search: "LaCrosse man-bat by Richard Svensson."

Batman Beyond #15

Thank the grand universal consciousness that these nauseous hypno guy covers are coming to an end.

If you ever want to realize how desperately pathetic and stupid most people are, just click on any joke made by a relatively famous comedian on Twitter and read the comments. I'm not even talking about the comments where people are angry over their hot take on the tweet! I'm talking about the people who agree with the comedian and think they're adding to the joke with their lonely cries into the abyss. Take this Tweet by Patton Oswalt, for example: "Chex Mix is a vegetable, right?" I know he's asking a question but he obviously doesn't actually give a shit about your hilarious response! Just look at some of the saddoes responding to it:

Loser. It really is disgusting that the Internet has given everybody a voice!

The main problem with the Internet isn't the voice thing; it's that it hasn't given anybody ears. I suppose it wouldn't matter. What's to hear, really, when everybody is screaming at the same time? And even if most people took the time to listen, they'd be too dumb to comprehend what was being said anyway.

Does Twitter have a feature that enables Verified Users to only see Verified User responses? I'd want to be verified for simply that reason! It would certainly clean up all the nutjob responses I wind up rabbit holing into. Why are stupid people and train wrecks so hard to turn away from?

If your response to me calling people stupid and dumb is that I'm being ableist, you can fuck the hell right off. It's like really stupid people have decided the only way to stop people from calling out their lack of intelligence is to claim the other person is gross and disgusting. Just be thankful you're not smart because it's hell living among morons!

I'm really killing this Internet voice thing!

The Review!
Oh for fuck's sake. Terry McGinnis is alive because Tim Drake is in a different version of the future which is like Futures End's version but different because fuck you.

Batman Beyond #14

I'm not really interested in this comic book so I'm going to play some Nethack as I read it.

I usually play Nethack by letting the game randomly assign a class for me. That's because I don't care about winning. I mean, eventually I would like to win! It's just that I know that is unlikely because I have never read any spoilers. I just try to learn as much as I can, experiment, buy clues from the Oracle, and try not to die the same way twice. Unless that same way is starvation or falling down the stairs while cursed with a ball and chain and getting my head bashed in by the ball. This adventure, I'm a Barbarian! That's good because Barbarians are easy to play! At least up to a point.

And that point was the top level of the Sokoban tower where I stupidly thought I was powerful enough to fight a Winged Gargoyle after battling dozens of other monsters with my stomach full of troll! I found a Wand of Wishing almost immediately but, since I don't read spoilers, I don't know the proper way to use one! I just wished for an uncursed Amulet of Reflection because being zapped by some jerk Kobold that got its hands on a Wand of Lightning is my least favorite way to die. And it saved my life on the way to my Amulet of Life-Saving! Or another Wand of Wishes? I forget what's in the treasure room at the top of Sokoban Tower. It's been years since I've played. Anyway, a Centaur tried to lightning bolt me to death and instead lightning bolted himself to death. It left me blind but he had a Unicorn's Horn on him and I used it to cure my blindness. Which was a good thing because the next monster trying to kill me was a Cockatrice! If I'd been blind and felt his corpse, I might have turned to stone! Although I had Gloves of Power on, so that wouldn't have been a problem. Plus I had two lizards to eat although I don't know that I would have heeded the messages that I was turning to stone. Sometimes I play too quickly!

So it was a pretty decent game for my first time back in a long while. Also, Batman Beyond wasn't too exciting. I guess Rewire 2.0 (who must be Terry, right?!) is being used by the Spiral Face Hypnoguy. He's convinced Rewire that Batman wants him dead, so I guess they'll fight or something! Also, Matt McGinnis might become Robin or something.

The Review!
Nethack is a fun game! I've probably wasted about 2% of my life so far playing it! I haven't done the math on that statement but it's probably true. The amount of my life I've spent on Batman Beyond doesn't even register! I wish it registered even less than it normally did because this series is boring!

Batman Beyond #13

Somebody went overboard on the yellow ink.

This comic books has a cover date of August which means it probably came out in May or June. I'm only reading it now because I don't give more than a few shits (and probably not even that many) about Batman Beyond starring Tim Drake. It's like DC Comics decided to make a nonsense world that made no sense (thus the descriptor, "nonsense") and sell it to all of the assholes who read DC Comics. Fools! Oh, I realize I'm one of them! But not anymore. I've dropped Batman Beyond from my pull list because even though I only give a few shits about Tim Drake's Batman Beyond, I give no shits about Terry McGinnis's!

This isn't even going to be a proper review because who cares? Not that any of my reviews are proper reviews. Half the time somebody reads one of my reviews, they wind up more confused about a book than when they didn't know anything at all. This review will be even worse than that so you might want to have a doctor on hand. Is it possible for words to cause strokes? I'm pretty sure they can cause aneurysms because I once met this woman at a party who was so annoyed that I kept pronouncing Linux wrong, that I kept pronouncing Linux wrong. Less than a month later, she was dead from an aneurysm. I'm not bragging about getting away with murder by telling that story! I'm just saying people should be careful listening to me and probably reading my words. Although if you mispronounce anything I write, that's on you!

This issue begins with Tim Drake drowning. I'm tempted to just rip out the last eighteen pages because this seems like a fitting end for a character I don't like who wound up in a depressing future that makes no sense and which DC Comics has completely abandoned with Rebirth. Speaking of Rebirth, didn't Tim Drake's death in Rebirth make this comic book obsolete? Or did Rebirth simply make all of Futures End like a shrug in the fog? Did I steal that line from Edie Brickell?

Philosophy! It's the talk on a cereal box! Religion! A fly on a dog!
I'm not afraid of too many things but I can think of one: a spider with wings! Yeah!

I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure you shouldn't defibrillate a person to save them from drowning!

Tim survives and heads back to the Batcave where Barbara Gordon checks out the suit and says, "It's fine! Whatever happened won't happen again because it was just easy drama to end the first part of this four part story! Now do you want to know how you died in the past?!" I mean, he didn't die! He just disappeared and went into the future. Now all that needs to happen is he needs to get bitten by a vampire, steal a Time Bubble, and head back into the past to start NOWHERE. It had better happen in this comic book because this is my last fucking chance to be right about the identity of Harvest!

Babs explains how the Tim of her reality just disappeared and Batman could never find him. A-ha! So if nobody ever explains anything else about Futures End Tim Drake or where he went, I can claim that he became Harvest! I will never have been proven wrong! I fucking knew I nailed Harvest's identity! Suck on it, Tott Dedell!

Although Babs begins telling the story about how Terry McGinnis decided to solve the Mystery of the Disappearing Boring Robin. I hope he never solves it. Or, if he does, it involves vampires and time travel!

Terry heard some gossip that The Joker killed Tim Drake. So he went to investigate the place that supposedly cremated The Joker. What was he hoping to find? Some burnt, over-sized shoes? What's even more confusing is that Babs sends Tim to the same funeral home to find Rewire! Oh wait. The very next panel explains that. I should probably pay more attention to the comic I don't give more than a few shits about before criticizing it.

The two stories are told at the same time because they're practically the same story or something. It's really artsy! Especially if you're into the kind of thing a robot from the 80s would think was artsy and cutting edge! Remember, in Dan Jurgens' mind, Watchmen has only been out for about a year! Comics are smart again! Maybe not even again. Maybe it was in the eighties when comics became smart for the very first time!

Babs' story ends with the Mystery of the Disappearing Boring Robin still unsolved. That means I was right! Red Robin does become Harvest! I fucking knew it! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! The other story ends with Rewire revealing his face while some guy in spiral pajamas bro-hugs him. Am I supposed to recognize him? I mean, the next month blurb says, "Terry, Rewired!" So I'm assuming the new Rewire is Terry McGinnis.

What's going to happen to Out of Time Tim Drake now that Terry McGinnis is back and ready to be Batman Beyond again? Maybe this one will also become a vampire named Harvest! That would explain so much if there were actually two Harvests. Or more! I bet every Tim Drake from every timeline wound up becoming Harvest and they all time traveled back to The New 52 where they weren't supposed to because time travel didn't work. So when they realized they broke the laws of the universe because the writers writing them were morons, they decided to team up and begin NOWHERE. Because that's where they belonged! NOWHERE!

The Review!
If I were to review this comic book, I would start by saying I was never interested in Batman Beyond and I've always hated Tim Drake. Then I would say "Can you do math?" and leave it at that.

Suicide Squad #2

Hey look, Harley Quinn fans! Harley is in this! Pony up the dough!

The Commentary!
• Some woman from the NSA has arrived at Belle Reve to nag Amanda Waller and backseat drive her operations and Monday morning quarterback every decision Amanda makes. What is DC's boner for having Amanda Waller work side-by-side with somebody? Now she has to deal with this Harcourt asshole whose first interaction with Waller is "Your squad sucks and is about to die." Hopefully Waller doesn't tell Harcourt that something terrible always happens to the people working closest to her.

• Oh! Remember how the last issue said that somebody would die this issue as if the readers truly believed that one of the Squad would die when there's no evidence to suggest that anybody at DC Comics is interested in having characters die in the Suicide Squad anymore? Remember all of that?! I bet Harcourt is the one who dies.

• Another possibility? Somebody drowns in this arctic waters disaster but is then brought back to life with emergency first aid.

• Even in the security of Waller's Mission Control, Harcourt can't bring herself to reveal the identity of the "Cosmic Item" the Squad are after. And I say "identity" because you know they're on a rescue mission to bring back some alien whose power America wants to weaponize.

• Usually when I type "America", I replace it with "the U.S." or "the United States" because "America" isn't really the county now, is it? But it's so much more satisfying to just type "America" without any regard to every other country which exists in North and South America.

• While Amanda deals with her new pain in the ass, Deadshot deals with his old one.

"I'll boomerang anything!" is such a fucking ridiculous thing to say that I laughed out loud. I love Captain Boomerang!

• Rick Flag, Deadshot, and Captain Boomerang make it aboard the Russian facility where the Cosmic Item is being held. Flag is annoyed that he lost Katana, Harley Quinn, Killer Croc, and Enchantress but it's not like it was his fault or anything. No wait! It was his fault! He would have only lost Killer Croc if he hadn't fucked up the drop ship's balance by trying to save Killer Croc. Plus, Killer Croc probably wouldn't have choked on his own vomit. He's a crocodile! I don't think they can choke on stuff!

• Plus, the others didn't die! They arrive just seconds later with Croc clutching them all in his claws. Because he's good at swimming and holding his breath and clutching women! What a hero!

• Incredibly, the Russians are alerted to the breach in the hull of their submerged base and come investigating with their best investigative tools: AK-47s! See? They're not only good for killing humans and compensating for tiny wieners! They're also good for finding people who have broken into your complex and killing them! Oh! Never mind. That falls under the killing humans thing. So I guess their only other use is to compensate.

I don't care about Harley's out-of-place rant on neoliberalism; I just loved Digger's well-timed and accurate boomerang throw.

• I'm eight pages into the story and it's just getting good! That probably means I'm nearing the end of Jim Lee's page count for the month. Can somebody teach that guy how to draw faster? And maybe how not to draw so many lines on people's faces?

• Once all of the guards' families have lost their probable sole source of income and will now lose their home, get kicked out in the snow, and starve if they don't freeze first, the Suicide Squad continue searching for the Cosmic Item. Apparently the best way to find its location in the legendary sounding Black Vault is to free a Harley Quinn fan named Hack. What the fuck is she doing in a Russian prison?! What kind of huge mistake did she get caught up in that brought her here? Probably another version of the Suicide Squad, right?

• Hack turns the Squad into digital information so that they can travel via data streams and arrive instantaneously in The Black Vault. Captain Boomerang shits himself which he, apparently, tends to do quite often. He's pretty nonchalant about the whole thing which leads me to believe he's a raging alcoholic and shitting himself is just a normal occurrence in his life.

• The Cosmic Item seems to be a piece of the Phantom Zone which Captain Boomerang decides to investigate for some reason totally out of his character. Which is why he winds up a smoking pair of boots as a blast shoots out of the sphere. It either completely annihilates him (the death promised from last issue!) or he's just been knocked out of his boots by the blast and sucked into the Phantom Zone. It's hard to tell because would DC Comics allow Captain Boomerang to die so quickly in Rebirth? I'm thinking...yeah, probably! I mean, now they can replace him with a lesbian Boomerang! Win/win/win!

• The person climbing out of the Phantom Zone sphere is Zod. You can tell it's Zod because he says, "Kneel before Zod." And I can't think of anybody but Zod who has ever or would ever say that. Aside from about fifty thousand nerds who probably think they're funny and say it daily.

• The Suicide Squad probably can't beat Zod but I won't find out until next month because the comic book just ran out of Jim Lee finished pages. Time for the filler story!

• The filler story is about Captain Boomerang. So it's either an epitaph to his life or a story which will introduce everybody to his perky, younger lesbian sister.

See? This is why he's constantly shitting himself! Too much lager and curry!

• Digger also mentions having IBS. So, there you go. Totally nonchalant about shitting himself.

• Captain Boomerang tells a hilarious lie to Amanda Waller about his past. She knows it's a lie but she's trying to get to some kind of truth about his motives and desires. The only thing I learn from his story is that Perth is the Cleveland of Australia!

• Apparently Captain Boomerang's entire backstory is this: he has Daddy Issues. That's surprising! Although I feel like I've heard that backstory before? Hmm. Oh well! That's the end! Hopefully not of Captain Boomerang though! That death has to be another one of those fake out deaths, right?! Digger probably boomeranged himself back into Hack's digital network, right? Or he boomeranged himself out of his boots just in the nick of time! Or he...he...he's dead, isn't he?! BWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

The Review!
Big deal! So Rob Williams killed a member of the Suicide Squad! What a tough guy! What a big shot! What a fucking jerk! How dare he kill of Captain Boomerang?! What was he thinking?! Is it because he just didn't like Digger's carefree, chaotic attitude?! Is that why he decided to kill him off in the same issue that he made it canon that he shits himself?! People talk about writers Mary Suing shit but what do you call it when you take out your anger and hatred of a character by embarrassing them and then killing them? What do you call that?! I call it petty and sad! How's that for a review, Mr. Williams?!

Ranking: +2! What can I say?! He actually killed somebody and I fucking loved the filler story!

Batman #6

Finch to King: "Do you mind if I do a rapey cover?" King to Finch: "Yes!" D. Finch to M. Finch: "He said yes!"

The Facts!
• For those of you who don't understand language, the previous caption is a misunderstanding between an imaginary Tom King and a less imaginary David Finch. It is not actually an imaginary Tom King agreeing with a not really that imaginary at all David Finch.

• Tom King wrote The Omega Men which was a fantastic piece of writing. The fact that it was also a comic book is practically inconceivable unless you have a history of reading comic books by Warren Ellis, Neil Gaiman, Alan Moore, and me. Although I hope you haven't read my comic books because that would mean you've broken into the secret shoe box underneath my bed. Tom King also co-wrote Grayson which was one of the best comic books DC Comics has published in years. Tom King writes The Sheriff of Babylon which is so smart that I don't even understand it. Tom King writes The Vision which is, I've heard, an excellent book as well (I'll read it when his twelve issue run is collected!). That's a lot of comic book acclaim to have garnered in the year or two in which Tom King has been writing comic books. He also wrote some superhero novel which I should probably read because it supposedly has comic book pictures in it. I don't want people thinking I read actual books without cartoons in them! That's why my Tumblr page where I discuss fancy books is a mystery.

• I sucked Tom King's dick pretty long and hard there, didn't I?! Well guess what, Tom King! I'm walking away before you come! Because your run on Batman stinks!

• I wanted to end that last bullet point sounding as if I were fed up with Tom King's Batman but that isn't actually true. I like a lot of stuff about it but the entirety of the Gotham story either lacked the subtlety I enjoy or it was too subtle for me and so I missed how brilliant it was and now I'm probably embarrassing myself by criticizing it! Maybe I should reread it before pointing out the bits I hated! Any decent critic would surely do that, just to give it a chance. I'm glad I don't consider myself a decent critic or else I'd have to dig out the last five issues and try to reread them in a different context!

• Dammit! I hate myself because I'm going to reread them now. What happened to the lazy, arrogant, fly-by-the-torn-seat-of-his-pants reviewer who first began this blog five years ago?! I guess that fucker is dead. Ptui! Good riddance!

• Okay! I've finished rereading it and I enjoyed it a lot! I think about Issue #4, the story suffers from being told too quickly. A bunch of things happen that really should have been allowed to take place over a full issue or two instead of being crammed into one or two pages. But I feel like rereading it allowed me to not care so much about the glaring faults in pacing which I obsessed over last time and let me see the bigger picture. I think.

• As I've so brilliantly and eloquently pointed out before, Gotham the superhero is a metaphor for Gotham the City. I know, I know! I probably just blew a few minds with that revelation. But what I wasn't seeing before was that "being Gotham" means also being dark and murderous and dangerous and confused and scared and everything else. So of course Gotham wants to save Gotham. But by taking on the name, he also becomes the thing which needs to be saved from itself! That's pretty much why he can't survive. Even Batman admits at one point that Gotham can't be saved. I don't think Batman means that in a pessimistic belief that the city can't be saved. I think he means it in a self-destructive way in that he can't be saved. Batman is Gotham and, one day, Gotham will kill him. Then it will kill Dick. And then Damian. One after the other, Gotham will defeat them and there will be nobody left to save Gotham and Gotham will lose the fight for survival. Which--and this is an important bit--is why Batman wanted so much to believe that Gotham and Gotham Girl would be the city's ultimate saviors. Sometimes super bad things happen to the city and Batman can't fight those things without super powers. He often does his best but he knows, one day, much like the plane crash that almost killed him, something will take his life and he'll give it gladly. So a couple of super kids whose parents tell him are really great kids come along? Of course Batman is going to allow himself to believe they'll help keep the people of Gotham safe. He even tells the Gotham Kids' parents how much they remind him of some other great parents he once knew. Batman is willing to trust his emotions to help him figure out how to keep Gotham safe. Ultimately, this fails him due to Gotham's emotions being manipulated and turning him into a monster. Which just proves to Batman that he's been right all along in crushing the emotions of all of the Bat-kids any chance he could get!

• I wonder how much Tom King had to compact this story due to the whole Monster Men thing being planned to, almost certainly, coincide with the new season of Gotham beginning? I have a feeling that timetable caused the majority of problems I have with this story.

• Anyway, The Monster Men are coming soon because Hugo Strange and Psycho-Pirate were never apprehended at the end of the "I Am Gotham" story. Until that story begins (which could be now? I don't know when it begins and I have yet to open this issue!), I think we might have some Gotham Girl Year One stuff to get through. My prediction is it begins with Gotham Girl in a towel! No wait! I retract that prediction because David Finch isn't the interior artist!

If this had been Finch, Gotham Girl would have been in a towel for sure! Or her underwear! Or maybe naked but with cut hair falling about and hiding all the interesting bits!

• Gotham Girl really is young if she thinks that qualifies as a great joke. It doesn't even have any swear words or Jesus in it!

• This is the "I Am Gotham" epilogue. That probably means The Monster Men will be coming all over the place next issue.

• Even though Gotham Girl dies a little faster when she uses her super powers, she continues to act like a hero protecting Gotham. Just like Batman, she and her brother were also willing to die to save the city. Just in a completely different way. I wonder if Gotham and Gotham Girl bought their powers from Kobra?

• Gotham Girl stops a villain named Colonel Blimp who is really into ransoming submarines. I will admit that I looked up Colonel Blimp in the old Who's Whos comic books. You know, just to make sure he wasn't new. He wasn't in them. It's still possible he's an old villain who just wasn't popular enough to make the Who's Who but who people remember from that one issue he appeared in fifty years ago.

• Gotham Girl flies around talking to Hank constantly. It's beginning to trouble Batman. He already had one super powered person flip the fuck out and almost destroy his city. The worst part is he had to call in the Justice League for help. They'll never let him live that down now!

• Duke's penis tells Duke that they need to save Gotham Girl. So Duke tells Batman that they need to save Gotham Girl. Batman already knows that they need to save Gotham Girl. So I guess Duke's penis's plan is going to be put into action.

• This issue begins by recounting several days in Gotham Girl's week. So it's all Monday! Then Tuesday! Then the next one! Then Thursday! It reminds me how Batman Rebirth #1 was all about the passing of time and how Batman stories are cyclical. And then Tom King brought in Solomon Grundy to do his weekday chant. And now this? I think there's a theme happening!

• Batman tries to talk to Gotham Girl but she flies off giggling about meeting Batman. So he turns to Alfred for help.

Rebirth Alfred is the fucking sassiest motherfucker! I love it!

• Alfred has had some really snarky shit to say since Tom King took over. He really gets Alfred's "I think I've given enough fucks and yet he still chooses to worry me into an early grave" attitude.

• On Saturday, Kite-man decides maybe he's not so shitty that he doesn't deserve a little Rebirth moment himself. Which makes me think Colonel Blimp and Captain Stingaree are a couple old bottom-of-the-barrel Batman villains as well. Plus Captain Stingaree is really ringing a bell. It's a bell I've lost somewhere deep in my subconscious but I'm fairly certain I hear it ringing. It's either that or the tinnitus.

• Batman finally gets Gotham Girl...Claire to settle down for a moment. He reveals who he is and what he suffered as a ten year old boy. And how he still feels the urge to talk to his mother. And Claire hugs him and cries and simply misses her brother.

• You know what? It's nice to have an epilogue to a story where a hero dies that deals with mourning. Fuck just glossing over that shit like often happens. Or sometimes it's just done in a hacky way that tries to appeal to the reader's emotions. This one doesn't do that. This story takes its time in the way mourning sometimes does. I'd put it right up there with some of the best Requiem issues that followed Damian's death.

• The epilogue to the epilogue story makes me hate the idea of The Monster Men story arc because it's keeping me from immediately experiencing the next story arc which is the one I want to read: Batman joins the Suicide Squad to invade Santa Prisca in hopes of retrieving the Psycho-Pirate from Bane's clutches! Goddamit, Monster Men Story! You had better be fucking good for making me wait for another Batman working with the Suicide Squad story! I hope it's as good as Ostrander's!

The Opinions!
I will readily admit that some of "The Facts" are also opinions. But they're more comments on the facts and since my comments and opinions are practically facts anyway, it all seems to work out! But this part is where I really let my opinions fly! So if you don't like sexist, racist, homophobic, anti-animal comments, don't worry! You probably won't get any of that here! Anyway, I loved this issue. And after rereading the first five issues, I loved so much about those that I'm just going to blame the flaws on the editors and DC management! This was a touching story about a person mourning the loss of her brother. It's also a Batman story with a really good Alfred moment! So don't worry that you won't get some Batman story in your mourning story! Because it's there. Since, you know, Batman went through this same thing a few years ago!

Rating!
+3!

Batman Beyond #11

Batman Beyond Thunderdome.

Rating: I don't know why I read superhero comic books anymore because they rarely ever tell stories that touch me in any meaningful way. And it's not like I get excited about the adventure of it all. I suppose most of the entertainment I consume is like that though. There's a lot of shallow shit out there. Don't get me wrong. A lot of it is entertaining. But I like to read stuff that means something every now and then. Batman Beyond isn't that. But it's also not bad. It does what it's supposed to do which is present a comic book adventure in the future DC Universe. It's not a great future but it's, at least, a lot more interesting than Futures End was making it.

It's been eleven issues of this and forty-eight issues of Futures End and I still don't know why Batman Beyond had to become Tim Drake. Poor Terry McGinnis. Let's pour one out for Terry! Oh shit. I just spilled my tea on my carpet. I got too into the moment! I don't know why since I never cared about Terry McGinnis. Come to think of it, I never cared about Tim Drake either! So it doesn't really matter to me as long as everybody just keeps calling him Batman.

Neo-Gotham has survived the machinations of Brother Eye. But now they have to weather their next crisis: a flood of refugees! The refugees were angry that they weren't getting immediate relief from the meager stocks of food and medicine within Neo-Gotham's walls so they've stormed the city and declared everything theirs. That seems like a solution that's only going to cause more problems. Now that the outside refugees have stormed their way in and taken over, how are they themselves going to split up the food and medicine? If the informal leader doesn't give as much to the next asshole as that asshole believes he deserves, who's to say he's wrong for rising up and taking as much as he needs from the new refugee leader? People really should think through the logic of their decisions instead of letting fear, greed, and desire rule their choices. Because now they have no moral ground to stand upon when somebody with more weapons comes along and demands they're given all that they want. How has civilization even survived this long when it seems there are two main rules: fight for what you want and fight to keep what you have. What a fucking hassle. I'd rather be dead.

I mean, I don't want to be dead! But the push and pull of need and desire isn't quite strong enough to be upsetting in my current life. Although last night I had some really weird anxiety dreams about not feeling safe enough within my own home. Eventually that dream led to a huge party with a dessert buffet and me trying to convince some friend I didn't recognize that I wasn't stealing pages from his prescription pad. Then Jason Priestley almost hit me as he drove through the room in a blue convertible. I wasn't wondering what had become of Jason Priestley but apparently his agent has now booked him for brief appearances in people's dreams.

Meanwhile in Metropolis (not Neo-Metropolis because I don't know why), Batman Beyond has seemingly been killed by a mind-controlled Justice League: Z-Listers. That's probably not true though. It's just a plot device to ratchet up the tension to an unbearable level. I'm so fucking worried I can't even pucker my ass.

Oh thank God*! I have full control of my ass again! *Use of the term "God" does not constitute belief in said being.

Terry's brother Matt shows Tim the secret weapon he's found in a stasis tube: Superman! Boy, I sure hope releasing him doesn't turn into a whole Batman Beyond v Superman Beyond: Future Dawn of Justice thing!

Batman Beyond (whom I really should learn to simply refer to as Batman) goes right back out to continue battling the Justice League: Z-Listers because they've decided to keep destroying Metropolis. That seems like a good idea since Tim just got his ass handed back to him by them. I suppose now that he had a brief respite, he's ready to get back into the action! Plus that whole cliffhanger with his death was resolved so no reason to not get back to the action now.

The Animal-man hybrids rebel against Doctor Evilguy and smash his Techno-manipulation device. But who cares about how the Justice League: Z-Listers plus Superman have now gotten their own minds back! There's a big double-page advert for a Hanna-Barbera comic called FutureQuest by Jeff Parker and Evan Shaner! It stars the Herculoids as well as some others you may have heard of but I don't care about as much as The Herculoids. Blue Falcon and Dynomutt aren't in this advertisement but I'm hoping they eventually join the crew. Maybe I should send Jeff Parker a Tweet to remind him about their existence and how I'll keep reminding him every day until they show up.

Batman introduces himself to Superman as Tim Drake and Superman introduces himself as Jon. I hope I like him better as an adult than as that little rascal from Lois and Clark.

I wonder if I should read the new Scooby Doo book as well. It's by Giffen and DeMatteis so I might just purchase it to turn into a drinking game.

Superman heads over to Neo-Gotham to lecture everybody about how to live their lives. What a fucking Douchéstork. He disappears for the entire Brother Eye war and now he thinks he can return to tell everybody how to live their lives? I hope everybody still hates him!

Nope, they all must love him because the riots stop even though not everybody has the food they need. I guess they trust Superman to get around to feeding them after he's done celebrating with the Justice League. Meanwhile, that Rewire guy is all, "Fucking fuck. Fucking League fuckers. Fuck them fuckers." But he's got a boss who is all, "Don't sweat it, bro! We got this!"

Batman Beyond #10

Good thing DC keeps reminding me about the Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us movie or I'd probably forget it was out in theaters on March 25th! I hope they remind me when it's in second run though because that's when I'll probably see it. If, you know, I don't forget about it.

I'm not sure if this comic book is meant to be a story about Tim Drake in the future or a delivery vehicle for Batman Loves Superman ads! Here's the inside cover:

The sexual tension is palpable! They should have made this advert with that 3-D effect so you could see their boners grow when you moved the page.

So Rebirth is on the horizon which might refresh some of my enthusiasm for writing about DC Comics. I just ran out of stuff to say about them after four years! How many times can I point out that the Teen Titans are jerk-offs and Green Arrow's comic book may as well have been replaced by the clerk at your Local Comic Book store slapping you in the face after handing them $2.99? Plus I'll be able to increase my word count because I'm certain to constantly write "REBIRTH!" after every two or three sentences.

This issue begins with Tim Drake battling a Tigerman and an Apeboy and a Womangirl. Unless the female is some kind of otter. But she only seems to have two breasts so I'm guessing she's a human or a bird. I don't think normal birds have boobs because they feed their babies vomit but I'm fairly certain that all human-bird hybrids have perky tits. Except for Big Bird.

Who made you, Tim Drake, arbiter of personal decisions? Maybe Apeboy likes having a huge gorilla cock even if he ejaculates almost immediately every time he rubs on anything. That's what gorillas do, right? Hmm. I'm beginning to suspect that Planet of the Rapes wasn't a documentary on gorilla culture.

While Tim Drake battles beastpeople and argues "philosophy" with a mad scientist, Matt McGinnis discovers the Justice League trapped in stasis tubes. I guess they weren't turned into Eyeborgs after all. Because that was Futures End bullshit that kind of painted this future's possibilities into a corner. But revealing that the Justice League survived means more variety for the DC Youniverse's bleak and awful future that came about because DC likes the idea that its heroes just aren't good enough to, ultimately, save the world. The members still alive are a Green Lantern, Big Barda, Warhawk, and Aquagirl. So, you know, the C-Team.

You know what the "C" stands for.

Over in Gotham, the refugees storm the city just before an ad for a new Superman trade featuring the "Before Truth" story arc. They decided to go with an IGN review blurb rather than use one of mine. I knew I used the word "shit" too many times!

Tim Drake is speciesist. What would be wrong with a half-giraffe girl or a sexy ladybug?

The Justice League is hypnotized by an elephant man because you know how that is. You go to the zoo and you can't stop staring at the elephant waiting to see it pop a boner or take a huge piss. It's mesmerizing! The Justice League now think that Batman Beyond is a cyborg. It's as good an excuse as any to get good guys to battle each other! It's also a good time for Tuftan the Tiger to learn that his mad scientist creator has been lying to him. And if there is one thing felines can't stand, it's being lied to and/or string. Cuvier, the mad scientist, also mentions how the Justice League Cyborgs weren't actually the Justice League, probably for those reasons I mentioned earlier about how shitty and boring this world would be if all of the heroes from just a few decades earlier had been murdered and turned into weaponized toaster ovens.

The next advert is for Wonder Woman Year One by Grant Morrison. Since it hasn't come out yet, DC has decided not to use any quotes by IGN or Comic Book Resources, even though I'm sure they already have some raving reviews ready to go. "'The most dramatic version of Wonder Woman I've seen since the first five minutes of the Wonder Woman porn parody!' -- Chris Sims." Instead, they went with a Grant Morrison quote about his own work.

Did Grant Morrison okay the punctuation in this quote?

Big Barda eventually believes she kills Batman but she doesn't realize that before she could kill him, Matt McGinnis sank his battleship which, um, helped Tim escape somehow or something.

Batman Beyond #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is a lot better than it should be. What it should be is forgotten by everybody who read Futures End all the way through. I'm not denying that Futures End had some interesting parts or that it actually made me like Grifter for a few seconds but, overall, it was mediocre with an ending that had DC shitting all over the future of its characters. But Dan Jurgens is slowly changing the future by pretending a lot of the stuff that happened actually happened in a way that wasn't so stupid. I mean, it was just stupid in a different way that could lead to more interesting future stories! So hopefully it gets to some of those before REBIRTH!