Hitman #21 (I was putting the release date here but thanks to the PHP updates to protect against certain vulnerabilities, Mike's Amazing Comics has been fragged. And since Mike died some time ago and nobody seems to know who can update it, I guess I won't be adding release dates anymore because I don't know where else to easily find them!)
By Garth Ennis, Steve Pugh, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler
I'm sure DC did this month of big fat character faces on the covers simply for the sensation of a fan walking into a comic book shop and just seeing all of these heroes staring back at them from the shelves. That would have been pretty cool to see but unfortunately, I wasn't going into many comic book shops about this time. It's stupid the amount things you miss in life because you're off living your life. So dumb!
This issue begins with everybody bored at Noonan's. Even the demon from Hell. Or maybe they're all just trying to come to terms with looking like Steve Pugh drew them instead of John McCrea. Then Hacken spills hot coffee on his dick and everybody laughs and then Tommy goes to fuck Tiegel. He doesn't go, "Hey, I'm going to go have sex with that hot ex-cop! See you later, guys!" He tells Natt, "Tiegel's mom is out of town and she wants to sneak me into the apartment to bing bing on my whoop whoop!" But Tiegel has a sexy secret that she's been hiding all these years! It's so sexy that I'm not even sure I should scan the panel where she reveals it for fear that my blog might get shut down by the Prude Police! Oh, hell! I'm gonna do it anyway!
By Garth Ennis, Steve Pugh, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler
I'm sure DC did this month of big fat character faces on the covers simply for the sensation of a fan walking into a comic book shop and just seeing all of these heroes staring back at them from the shelves. That would have been pretty cool to see but unfortunately, I wasn't going into many comic book shops about this time. It's stupid the amount things you miss in life because you're off living your life. So dumb!
This issue begins with everybody bored at Noonan's. Even the demon from Hell. Or maybe they're all just trying to come to terms with looking like Steve Pugh drew them instead of John McCrea. Then Hacken spills hot coffee on his dick and everybody laughs and then Tommy goes to fuck Tiegel. He doesn't go, "Hey, I'm going to go have sex with that hot ex-cop! See you later, guys!" He tells Natt, "Tiegel's mom is out of town and she wants to sneak me into the apartment to bing bing on my whoop whoop!" But Tiegel has a sexy secret that she's been hiding all these years! It's so sexy that I'm not even sure I should scan the panel where she reveals it for fear that my blog might get shut down by the Prude Police! Oh, hell! I'm gonna do it anyway!
I'm glad to learn that Tiegel has never fucked a cop.
This is where most comic book critics would identify with Tiegel because they're big virgin nerds but not me! I do bing bing on whoop whoops all the time! Some times I even do slap slap on whorley-whirls!
Sorry! I didn't mean to be so disgustingly vulgar!
Tommy does not tease Tiegel which causes her to want to make sex even harder. He asks why she hasn't made sex before and why she decided she wanted to make sex with him. It's good dialogue for a comic book and to show how Tommy really is concerned and trying to haul her out of her embarrassment spiral. But I think it's also Garth Ennis writing to lonely comic book nerds and saying, "Hey. I presume some of you want to have sex with a lady at some point, right? Well, here's a little good advice couched as a comic book funny!
Sorry! I didn't mean to be so disgustingly vulgar!
Tommy does not tease Tiegel which causes her to want to make sex even harder. He asks why she hasn't made sex before and why she decided she wanted to make sex with him. It's good dialogue for a comic book and to show how Tommy really is concerned and trying to haul her out of her embarrassment spiral. But I think it's also Garth Ennis writing to lonely comic book nerds and saying, "Hey. I presume some of you want to have sex with a lady at some point, right? Well, here's a little good advice couched as a comic book funny!
This isn't the ultimate magic trick to get laid but, you know, it's a nice start to just being a decent fucking person. And that is a big part of the ultimate magic trick!
The way I convinced the first woman to want to have sex with me did not happen when my friend and I were faux competing for her all weekend at a house party in Turlock, CA. It happened when I volunteered to drive a friend's girlfriend's car home via 580 (or was it 680? I forget my Bay Area freeways. It's been a long time!). For some reason, my friend who was hitting on this woman with me and the woman herself were in this Camaro with me. Now, I didn't inspect the stupid car before agreeing to drive it so I didn't notice that every single one of her tires was more steel than rubber. It was late at night, we got a flat, and we were stranded because she had a spare but no jack. And nobody would stop for a bunch of young hoodlum looking hoodlums! So we basically slept in the car until the morning light when I got out with the spare and stood by the car trying to wave people down. Eventually, the nicest guy in the world stopped to help. He had one of those jacks that you slide under the engine and pump it up from there. It wouldn't fit under this Camaro! So he was all, "I really got to get to work." And I was all, "No! Wait! We can do this!" So I was all, "My friend! You get that side of the Camaro and I'll get this side and we'll lift it up enough to get the jack under." It worked! And then I changed that fucking tire in world record time because this guy was so nice to stop and he was worried about being late and I wanted to get home and, well, I forgot all about the woman who was there with us whose name I would use but, you know. And so I thanked the guy five million times and we all hopped back in the car (she in the front; my friend in the back) and I drove way faster than I should have been driving on three bare tires and a spare. When I dropped her off, my friend exchanged numbers with her and I waited patiently. Then she was all, "Don't you want my number?" And I was all, "Oh, sure, yeah. Okay." And she gave me her number and as I was dropping off my friend, he said, "Man. The way she was looking at you the whole way home. Like you were a fucking God." And I was all, "Oh? Hunh. Weird." And, well, later she let me put my penis inside her!
See? It's easy to make sex! You just have to respect the woman and/or do something intensely manly in front of her! A breeze, really!
I'm not trying to say changing a car tire is intensely manly! It was the way I took charge and made sure we got home, even when the jack wouldn't fit and the guy was ready to leave us. It also might have been a little bit how I was so angry at my stupid friend (the one whose girlfriend's car I was driving) and so tired from being on the freeway all night that I just wanted to get home and go to bed. I had no idea that, basically, that was the moment I lost my virginity. It didn't fully happen for some weeks because I never called her but she kept hanging out with my friend, using him to get to me. Which eventually happened! I heard that that friend is sort of crazy now. I hope it wasn't my fault!
After the sex is made, Tiegel learns a little something called "post-nut clarity". She's all, "That was cool but I just realized I fucked a serial murderer. I feel kind of weird about that now that Little Tiegel is wiped out."
See? It's easy to make sex! You just have to respect the woman and/or do something intensely manly in front of her! A breeze, really!
I'm not trying to say changing a car tire is intensely manly! It was the way I took charge and made sure we got home, even when the jack wouldn't fit and the guy was ready to leave us. It also might have been a little bit how I was so angry at my stupid friend (the one whose girlfriend's car I was driving) and so tired from being on the freeway all night that I just wanted to get home and go to bed. I had no idea that, basically, that was the moment I lost my virginity. It didn't fully happen for some weeks because I never called her but she kept hanging out with my friend, using him to get to me. Which eventually happened! I heard that that friend is sort of crazy now. I hope it wasn't my fault!
After the sex is made, Tiegel learns a little something called "post-nut clarity". She's all, "That was cool but I just realized I fucked a serial murderer. I feel kind of weird about that now that Little Tiegel is wiped out."
This is less awkward than most of my post-sex conversations which begin with "I'm sorry" and end with "Taco Bell?" Also that's the whole conversation.
Tiegel seems to be less concerned with how she doesn't seem to mind fucking a murderer and more concerned that the murderer wants to fuck somebody who wants to fuck a murderer. If I were anybody in this relationship, I'd be most concerned with this: a Nazi lives in the house with Tiegel and her mother! Maybe deal with that shit before you start worrying about the nice murderer who fucks well. Tiegel's new to post-nut clarity so she's obviously confused by how much information her brain's able to process when horniness levels are down to zero. She's suddenly become Descartes. Post-nut Descartes, I mean. Not pre-nut Descartes who was all, "I think . . . I'm horny, baby!"
This is the advert in the middle of the comic book. I'm not scanning it because it shows tits and pudenda. I'm scanning it because, and — I don't know if this comes through in the scan — it's printed on a single glossy sheet of paper in the middle of the comic book!
Was this "glossy advert" some scam DC tried out to get advertisers to pay more for placement? Maybe they should try something like this again instead of charging five fucking dollars for every comic book!
Oh wait! I get where the real scam was! After the Blockbuster/Deftones advert, there's a double page glossy spread for Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. I bet Konami paid big bucks for that advert and, let me tell you, it was worth it. What a great game! I still occasionally go back and play it. Not on the original console, of course. I mean, I say "of course" as if I couldn't play it on the original console when I've got a whole bookcase full of old consoles, a few of which could definitely play the original version of this.
Before Tiegel can get a handle on her budding relationship, her mother and Nazi grandfather walk into the apartment and she has to shove Tommy naked onto the fire escape. It's my favorite scene so far in the series!
Oh wait! I get where the real scam was! After the Blockbuster/Deftones advert, there's a double page glossy spread for Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. I bet Konami paid big bucks for that advert and, let me tell you, it was worth it. What a great game! I still occasionally go back and play it. Not on the original console, of course. I mean, I say "of course" as if I couldn't play it on the original console when I've got a whole bookcase full of old consoles, a few of which could definitely play the original version of this.
Before Tiegel can get a handle on her budding relationship, her mother and Nazi grandfather walk into the apartment and she has to shove Tommy naked onto the fire escape. It's my favorite scene so far in the series!
For, um, very serious literary reasons.
The fire escape collapses, so Tommy grabs onto a drainpipe. The drainpipe lets go from its moorings, so Tommy swings across the street on it and crashes through the window of the building across the street. Right into the middle of a massive cocaine sale. Tommy recognizes the seller. The seller recognizes Tommy. And all hell breaks loose. But not like the kind of hell that broke loose in the last story arc. This was just normal Gotham drug gang hell with bullets and stuff.
Although the real hell takes place in Tiegel's apartment where her Nazi grandfather makes the whole family sing Deutschlandlied. Tiegel and her mother go along with it because it's like a glass of warm milk for old Nazi pop-pop. Gets him off to bed and then they can have a normal, non-Nazi evening.
Men's Room Louie gets mentioned before the bullets start flying in Tommy's Gotham Stand-off (that's when everybody in the room points four or five guns at everybody else in the room) and I think he becomes a regular character later, at least for a story arc or two. I once nicknamed my niece "Men's Room" when she was about six because she basically did "Okay, Boomer" to me but called me whatever was on my t-shirt. I don't remember what it was but she was being real snarky about it (in a funny way, of course. They all know they can joke around with Uncle Tess however the fuck they want and he doesn't give a fuck and usually just belly laughs at whatever shenanigans they pull). So I just looked back at her and said, "Okay, Men's Room." Because she was wearing this shirt (man, I hope I can find it online now!):
Although the real hell takes place in Tiegel's apartment where her Nazi grandfather makes the whole family sing Deutschlandlied. Tiegel and her mother go along with it because it's like a glass of warm milk for old Nazi pop-pop. Gets him off to bed and then they can have a normal, non-Nazi evening.
Men's Room Louie gets mentioned before the bullets start flying in Tommy's Gotham Stand-off (that's when everybody in the room points four or five guns at everybody else in the room) and I think he becomes a regular character later, at least for a story arc or two. I once nicknamed my niece "Men's Room" when she was about six because she basically did "Okay, Boomer" to me but called me whatever was on my t-shirt. I don't remember what it was but she was being real snarky about it (in a funny way, of course. They all know they can joke around with Uncle Tess however the fuck they want and he doesn't give a fuck and usually just belly laughs at whatever shenanigans they pull). So I just looked back at her and said, "Okay, Men's Room." Because she was wearing this shirt (man, I hope I can find it online now!):
Don't get me wrong. I like Billie Eilish. But what's a six year old doing listening to it?! It's basically modern adult contemporary!
Pretty much everybody dies at the cocaine deal except Tommy and the kid who went out for Fatburgers. That kid gets away, probably to report to Men's Room Louie that Tommy killed a bunch of his men. So that's why Men's Room Louie comes back. I think, if I remember correctly, he's called Men's Room Louie because he's an old guy who does all his Godfathering while sitting on a toilet.
Tiegel gets away from her Nazi granddad to check on Tommy and finds him on the fire escape across the street. Then they have a cute little moment of happiness and joy. You know, the kind of thing that resonates wildly with Tommy because there's so much death around him. Especially in this moment where about a dozen dead men are in the apartment directly behind him.
Tiegel gets away from her Nazi granddad to check on Tommy and finds him on the fire escape across the street. Then they have a cute little moment of happiness and joy. You know, the kind of thing that resonates wildly with Tommy because there's so much death around him. Especially in this moment where about a dozen dead men are in the apartment directly behind him.
This issue came out a month or two after I had Indian food for the first time and discovered it was my favorite.
My first meal at an Indian restaurant was Chicken Vindaloo, papadams, and a lager. Because that's what Dave Lister always ate on Red Dwarf.
Oh! And I just realized why I never had the chance to see all these DC faces covers in a comic book shop! These faces covers came out in October 1997! I was all over Asia for three weeks in 1997! I flew back on October 31st which meant I passed over the International Date line giving me a 30+ hour Halloween that year! I also went to a Halloween party, exhausted, at some guy's arcade that was set to free games for the night. I wore my Russian coat and Communist hat I purchased at the Great Wall as my costume (with just a tiny pair of skivvies underneath). It was at that party that not enough people were paying attention to Bobby "The Well Done Comedian" Henline so at some point, not even on a dare, he grabbed up a bit fat moth that somebody had knocked onto the ping pong table and ate it. He came pretty close to puking but didn't even though we all tried our best to make sure he did by retching ourselves. He said it was like biting into Tidal Wave gum. Also, he had bits of moth wing stuck in his teeth and throat for the rest of the night. Bob recently became a Born-Again Christian and I feel like doing that is akin to him grabbing up that moth and eating it. He just wasn't getting enough attention and he had to do something wild to get people to notice him again.
The Ranking!
My guess is McCrea could have handled this upbeat little story just as well as Pugh did but Goddamn if Pugh's smoother animation-esque lines didn't help bring the whimsy factor up a few notches. He really captures the joy in Tommy's face when he realizes Tiegel wants to keep dating him. And he draws a nice brain too! Oh, and the backside. Pretty good Tiegel's backside. Not that I noticed it. This was a fun little one-shot that I think writers are sometimes scared to do. But they're so necessary to building character! Just throw this story in the mix and now Tiegel and Tommy are a solid couple and we know why and we know how they feel about each other and Ennis doesn't have to keep injecting little scenes every issue that repeat the same shit to remind the audience that these two like each other. Because he's absolutely and completely nailed it down in this story. Good shit, man.
Oh! And I just realized why I never had the chance to see all these DC faces covers in a comic book shop! These faces covers came out in October 1997! I was all over Asia for three weeks in 1997! I flew back on October 31st which meant I passed over the International Date line giving me a 30+ hour Halloween that year! I also went to a Halloween party, exhausted, at some guy's arcade that was set to free games for the night. I wore my Russian coat and Communist hat I purchased at the Great Wall as my costume (with just a tiny pair of skivvies underneath). It was at that party that not enough people were paying attention to Bobby "The Well Done Comedian" Henline so at some point, not even on a dare, he grabbed up a bit fat moth that somebody had knocked onto the ping pong table and ate it. He came pretty close to puking but didn't even though we all tried our best to make sure he did by retching ourselves. He said it was like biting into Tidal Wave gum. Also, he had bits of moth wing stuck in his teeth and throat for the rest of the night. Bob recently became a Born-Again Christian and I feel like doing that is akin to him grabbing up that moth and eating it. He just wasn't getting enough attention and he had to do something wild to get people to notice him again.
The Ranking!
My guess is McCrea could have handled this upbeat little story just as well as Pugh did but Goddamn if Pugh's smoother animation-esque lines didn't help bring the whimsy factor up a few notches. He really captures the joy in Tommy's face when he realizes Tiegel wants to keep dating him. And he draws a nice brain too! Oh, and the backside. Pretty good Tiegel's backside. Not that I noticed it. This was a fun little one-shot that I think writers are sometimes scared to do. But they're so necessary to building character! Just throw this story in the mix and now Tiegel and Tommy are a solid couple and we know why and we know how they feel about each other and Ennis doesn't have to keep injecting little scenes every issue that repeat the same shit to remind the audience that these two like each other. Because he's absolutely and completely nailed it down in this story. Good shit, man.
No comments:
Post a Comment