Daredevil #9

Spider-man! Spider-man! Does whatever Daredevil can't! Look out! Spider-man doesn't rhyme with can't!

The Review or Whatever!
Spider-man is a jerk. He thinks he's funny but he's really just inaccessible. He uses humor to remain emotionally distant. If he doesn't form close bonds, he doesn't have to worry about having his feelings hurt. His entire shtick is devised to keep him detached. Why would you choose to be associated with a spider? I mean besides because a spider gave him his powers. I mean, he didn't have to choose to be Spider-man. His super powers are the ability to sense danger and being inordinately strong. That doesn't scream spider to me. But you know what does scream spider? Anybody who sees one! Which is probably why he chose to be a spider because it creeps people out and keeps them wanting to get close to him. He also developed his web technology so he can apprehend villains from a distance. You never know when Black Cat is going to try to seduce you and you're going to fall for it and you're suddenly going to open up and realize you have no idea how to handle the flood of emotions you've locked away inside of you since your mother taught you emotions were only to be used to manipulate and control! I mean, you know, that's probably what Peter Parker learned early on in life. Frickin' Aunt May.

That's about as good as I get at to a Browning's style dramatic monologue! I'm not as clever or subtle! That's also about as good as I get at a review of a Marvel comic book! Now you're left wondering: "did Tess like it? Tess didn't even talk about it? What the fuck is wrong with Tess? How is this a comic book review site? Who the fuck does Tess think Tess is? Why am I avoiding the use of pronouns? What am I doing with my life? Reading comic book 'reviews' on the internet? I should be pursuing my dreams and desires! Why am I such a horrible failure? Maybe I can at least disappear into the unthinking pleasures of a self-induced orgasm to suspend, for even the merest of moments, the crushing weight of choices that have left me paralyzed and unable to live any semblance of an adult life!" Come on. You know that's what you were thinking!

Daredevil #8

How does Daredevil know what cards he's holding? His "amazing 360-radar sense"? I guess that's where the bluff comes in!

The Review or Whatever!
Texas Hold'em is all about betting and confidence, so a person doesn't really need to know what cards they're holding. Especially if they don't care about losing all of their money. But seriously. You could probably play Texas Hold'em almost as well by never even picking up your cards. Texas Hold'em is a lot like life (just like everything, if you want to make it into an awful allegory like I'm about to do). You can worry about the cards that were dealt but that isn't going to help with the hand because what you get is what you get, motherfucker. You're fucking stuck with the shit you've been given. But that doesn't mean you can't accomplish whatever you want (which, since you're playing poker, "whatever you want" is actually just "winning lots of money"). It just means it's going to be a lot harder for a person dealt a nine high to take the money of somebody dealt a royal flush. Okay, you know what? No way that is ever going to happen. So you should probably fold because a person dealt a royal flush would never fold. But that still works well with the life allegory because if you're born at the bottom of society's ranking of poker hands, there's really only so much money you're likely to make. You can probably bluff a lot of pairs and two pairs off of their hands and, depending on the suits on the cards on the table, maybe even some trips. But are you going to knock down somebody with a full house or a straight flush? No fucking way. But, as I said, Texas Hold'em is all about betting and confidence. If you're confident enough, you just might convince somebody with a straight flush that you've got the royal version. You just never know until you try! Although if you were born with a nine high, you're never getting into the places where the people born with a royal flush in their mouth play anyway. So you should probably resign yourself to a life of washing their dishes.

What I said.

Daredevil makes his way to the final table of a Texas Hold'em Tournament in Macau where he's up against a telepath working for the casino. But since Matt doesn't know what cards he's holding, it won't help the telepath at all. And since it's Texas Hold'em, who needs to know their own cards to win? Play the man, not the cards, as they say. I think? Do people say that?

Daredevil wins the tournament but that's not much of a spoiler because the real story doesn't begin until next issue. What is important is that he can't cash the ten million dollar check for winning because it's made out to the fake name he used to enter the tournament. What the hell, Murdock? You're a fucking lawyer! Surely you could have created an alias strong enough to legally cash a check! What is wrong with you?! Don't you care about money?!

Anyway, next issue has Spider-man in it.

Daredevil #7

Here's a totally new joke for any five year olds who read my blog: Daredevil is horny!

The Review or Whatever!
This is how a comic book that grown people read begins: "When Matt Murdock was a kid, he lost his sight in an accident involving a truck carrying radioactive chemicals. Though he could no longer see, the chemicals heightened Murdock's other senses and imbued him with an amazing 360-radar sense." I don't know what "360-radar sense" means but I'm guessing it's a typo and also it's not the ridiculous part of this statement! If the sentence immediately following "accident involving radioactive chemicals" doesn't include the phrases "loss of hair", "violent diarrhea", "crippling nausea", and "eventually succumbed to cancer," an adult should find it laughable! I can see a kid going, "Oh yeah! Mutations are awesome!" But an adult should not be saying, "That's totally how science works! Because science is just God telling molecules what to do!"

At the end of the last issue, I was surprised to learn that Elektra had a child. At the end of this issue, I'm surprised to learn that Elektra doesn't have a child. That was the quickest surprise retcon flip-flop turnover twist in the history of comic books!

I was also disappointed that nobody had sex. I don't know why. There were at least two pages with Foggy that could have been dumped for sex scenes.

Daredevil #6

Is this cover All Ages appropriate?!

The Review!
One thing I was thinking while reading Daredevil #6 was, "Why am I reading Daredevil?" The easy answer is because I fell in love with Charles Soule and decided to support him but I wish I would have known he was doing that Vision comic book too (although he isn't, dum-dum!). I think I would have liked that better than this one because even though Charles Soule is writing it (except he isn't! Tom King is!), I can't stop thinking, "Why am I reading Daredevil?" He's never really intrigued me. You might even say that between Daredevil and Nick Fury, they helped ruin Marvel Comics for me! They were the first comic books I discovered and I found them utterly boring. Maybe not Daredevil as much as Nick Fury. Imagine a little kid picking up a comic book called "Nick Fury, Agent of Shield." It may as well have read "Your Father's Friend, Tow Truck Driver" across the front. I remember one cover was just Nick Fury's face really big. At least he had an eye patch. Although if he hadn't had that eye patch, I probably wouldn't have been tricked into reading the comic book! All of the potential excitement was in the eye patch! And really, Daredevil wasn't much better. A blind lawyer? I'm eight years old and I'm supposed to find the adventures of a blind lawyer exciting? It's possible (and highly probable) I never even read their comic books anyway. I think there were a few Hulk books in the box of comics that I read and then gave up on them altogether. It's not like Hulk fought a bear or anything.

Another thing I thought while reading this comic book: Elektra has a kid? That may have spoiled the ending if nobody else also knew that Elektra had a kid either. Aside from that, it was a flaccid, mediocre experience. Charles Soule, you can do better.

Daredevil #1

I really should be reading Vision over this comic book but I'm horribly out of touch with everything.

Here is what I know about Daredevil: he's a blind lawyer who lives in Hell's Kitchen who once banged Electra. Unless it was Electra who banged Daredevil. I just want to make it known that I don't care who the object of the banging was as long as there was banging. As far as the second person on the cover goes, I have no idea who that is. Daredevil's new sidekick, Stripes?

The first page explains everything the new reader needs to know about Daredevil. It says, "I am Matt Murdock. I am Daredevil." Oh, that was another thing I knew about Daredevil! I knew his name! He should go into court wearing a shirt with two big overlapping "M"s on it. Then he could wink to the jury and say things like, "Am I winking? I feel like I'm winking. If I'm not winking, imagine that I'm winking because I'm trying to wink and it really feels like I'm winking but I can't really tell, you know?" Then the hottest member of the jury will be all, "Oh yeah, buddy. You're winking!" If you couldn't tell by the way I wrote that sentence, the hottest member of the jury was a man and Matt Murdock was totally into it. He was all, "Matt Murdock? More like Matt More Cock, am I right?!"

I'm sorry if I've already offended any gay blind lawyers! And also I'm sorry if I've offended any DC Fangenders because, as you may have noticed, this is a Marvel book.

On the second page, Daredevil reminds me of the other most important thing about him! I can't believe I forgot about it because it used to be on every fucking cover of every fucking Daredevil book published when I was younger: he's the man without fear! Like Hal Jordan!

"Am I teabagging these thugs? Somebody tell me if I'm teabagging them! Is this how it's done?!"

Some gang working for some guy named Tenfingers have just thrown a kid named Billy Li (Billy's parents were obviously wise acres) off the Manhattan Bridge. You might be familiar with that name because it's in New York. New York is the universe where all of the Marvel stories take place. The reason I mentioned Billy is that Daredevil dove off the bridge to keep Billy from drowning. Now all of the gang members are worried that Daredevil has managed to waste their time and that Tenfingers won't be happy about it.

What kind of gang leader name is Tenfingers? It's not like it's something fucking special! I could be Tenfingers! Although I'm not because I wouldn't choose a stupid fucking name like that. I'd probably call myself One-Face or Two Kidneys! This is where a lesser comic would throw in something ridiculous at the end of the list, like Five Dongs or Four Testes! But I'm more refined than that and I'm trying to take my reviewing job more seriously in 2016. I want be more like other reviewers where I flaunt my intellect and writing skills and avoid being silly and whimsical. Save that shit for whenever it's more appropriate. Like maybe at a speech during your Godson's baptism or your best friend's marriage that everybody already knows is doomed to fail.

This is the part where Daredevil deals some justice outside of the courtroom!

I wonder how long it'll be until he battles Spider-man in a big mix-up?!

Tenfingers' gang is too numerous for Daredevil to deal with on his own so his sidekick helps out. His sidekick is invisible and his name is...no, you know what. By saying his name, I'm going to tank this commentary right back down into Stupidville because nobody will believe me for one second that Daredevil's sidekick is named Blindspot. Ugh. I feel like I should call up Charles Soule's parents and apologize for the embarrassment their son has just caused them.

I probably shouldn't call Charles' mom because I don't even know if Charles Soule invented Blindspot. Asking Lord Google, it appears Blindspot is female and has been around for over a decade. I guess Charles Soule is just too clever for his own good. I bet he cracked himself up teaming Blindspot with Daredevil.

Shit, I don't even know if it was Soule's idea! For all I know, Daredevil and Blindspot have been lovers for over a decade! Although I bet they've both battled Spider-man!

Daredevil uses the masculine pronoun when admiring Blindspot's technique so I guess Daredevil's super-senses aren't any good determining gender.

I guess Daredevil used Blindspot's power to make everybody forget about him or something he did or the late age he was when he finally got laid.

Apparently Foggy is the only one left who knows Matt Murdock is Daredevil. And he's not happy about it because he can't use the information to get laid anymore.

It turns out Daredevil was protecting Billy Li because Matt Murdock needs Billy Li to testify in court against one of Tenfingers' lieutenants. Also Matt Murdock is now a prosecutor for the universe of New York. Is this where I'm supposed to get smart and start discussing how symbolic it is that Daredevil is a prosecutor rather than a defendant? Or do I write what I'm honestly thinking about which is how big is Daredevil's penis?

While Matt Murdock makes plans to bring down Tenfingers' gang, Tenfingers makes a plan of his own! Although is "kill everybody in my way" really a plan? That's just status quo!

Tenfingers still doesn't make sense because he's Twentyfingers! And that's Blindspot behind him so I guess this Blindspot is a guy.

I'm only reading one Marvel comic book (sort of! But I won't get into the sort of here because it messes up what I'm going to say next) so I'm not going to rate it. That would be a waste of time because it would be #1 out of 1 comic books! It's the best and worst Marvel book I'm currently reading! Although I have a feeling Tom King's Vision is way better. Stupid me! I should be reading that!

Swamp Thing #40

The Swamp Thing to Alec Holland's right is Uncircumcised Swamp Thing. To his left, 90s Swamp Thing replete with dozens of chest pouches.

Good bye, Charles Soule's Swamp Thing! I will say my goodbyes by being completely bitter, hurt, and mean-spirited in today's commentary! Fuck you for leaving me, you asshole.

The issue begins with Alec Holland putting the past Avatars back in their places. The little snots still think they know better than Alec Holland even after being on time out for several months. And even if they do know better, just shut up! Nobody wants to be told that they're doing something wrong by a bunch of old failures. Let's say, hypothetically, that their experiences and the wisdom gained from those failures could help Alec to be successful against Anton Arcane. Do you still think the young upstart Alec Holland would still listen to him? Of course not! People often bring up that stupid saying about how nothing is certain except death and taxes. Fools. A lot of things are certain! Like you can be certain that youth will resent and ignore advice from experience and then proudly walk off of a cliff because they just had to learn it for themselves. Fine, maybe the lesson sticks better when you experience the failure yourself but wouldn't it have been nice not to have actually walked off of that cliff?

"And shut your fucking mouths because we're doing this my way even if that way is the same exact fucking way that got all of you killed! Fucking old pricks! It's my turn!"

What are Swamp Thing's teeth made out of? They can't be Alec's real teeth since Baby Alec still had his teeth which he used to eat Swamp Thing last issue.

Swamp Thing raises a volunteer army which will head up to the arctic to lay siege to The Machine's demesnes. The first volunteer is Jason Woodrue, The Seeder (previously known as The Floronic Man because comic books used to be stupid). Swamp Thing accepts him hoping that others will follow his lead but we all know (that includes Alec himself) that The Seeder is just using this as a chance to escape into the real world and become a future Swamp Thing supervillain.

At least ten ex-avatars (including The Seeder, mentioned so previously that I'd be amazed if you'd forgotten) join with Swamp Thing to risk their lives by leaving the Green. They meet Baby Alec Holland at the exit to the portal from the Green who tells them the big fight will take place in the Gobi Desert. She must want to battle there because plant heroes generally don't do very well in that climate. Just look at how Ranger Ruben tried to camouflage the Galactic Hero Corps from an ambush composed of all of their supervillains but he accidentally disguised them as Pacific Redwoods and nearly the entire team was killed. But from the ashes of that disaster, Grunion Guy was given a chance to save the world and writer novels! Mostly write novels! Unless the definition of novel does not extend to stories scribbled onto the back of an envelope.

Throughout the battle, a narration is taking place by Charles Soule or some other outside source. It's speaking directly of stories and the difficulty of ending them.

Some endings aren't as difficult as others.

I covered this whole difficulty of ending a story thing in Chapter 26 of my, so far, unfinished Goggles Novella. Proof that endings are difficult: I still have nine chapters left of the Goggles Novella. I know how it's going to play out, and eventually end, but I just need more uninterrupted free time so I can concentrate on getting it right. Not that most of the people reading this blog care since it has never really been about the comics and was just a story I decided to write during September because September has become DC Comics' throwaway month. Just as the year before I inserted a minor story into Villains Month where I was taken over by an alien entity for many of my commentaries. But I need to finish Goggles' story before the end of the year. I highly recommend it but then I wrote it for myself. I suppose if it doesn't have ties to any fandom, the number of people on Tumblr interested in it probably nears zero.

Swamp Things flees from the battle in the Gobi Desert to give the avatars that remained behind time to heal the Green. Of course as he flies away, he winds up crashing into a library in Philadelphia. That's practically right next to the Gobi, right? It's at this point that Swamp Thing decides to enter a book because its made from dead plants! Also, the library is like the anti-machine! He's going to defeat The Machine Kingdom with outdated modes of archiving!

By outdated, I don't mean that there's no need for them! Libraries and printed material should never be seen as obsolete. We should always be using a number of back-up methods to store knowledge or we're just asking to lose it. If only there had been a group of people memorizing the works held at the Library of Alexandria, we'd have saved the knowledge lost when the place burned. At least with books, the only device needed to access the data is a working pair of eyes. And just fingers if they're in Braille! When the massive solar flare hits and burns out all of electronics, we're going to lose a lot of shit that's currently just stored in servers or in the cloud. Luckily, most of it is useless, time wasting garbage.

Once in the book, Alec finds himself in a new kingdom. I guess it's the Kingdom of Art. Or Kingdom o' Fart as all the other kingdoms refer to it.

How about gifting him more issues, you jerk?

Swamp Thing returns to the battle where the tide turns in The Green's favor. The Seeder kills the avatar of fungus but dies as well. Etrigan joins the battle with an army of demons because he doesn't have anything better to do in the DC Universe at the moment (except defeat Morgaine over in Batwoman although I think that story has already happened since it's been flashback for three or four months). Anton Arcane flees because stories in comic books never actually end no matter what the Avatar of the Arts says. He'll be back because he's always back because comic books just keep going and going and going. And then all that remains on the battlefield are two lone warriors: Alec Holland and Lady Weeds. I mean, I guess Gaurov is there somewhere as well but he's not important anymore.

Swamp Thing defeats Lady Weeds easily and then hires the Justice League Cleaning Company to dismantle Rithm Headquarters in the Arctic. Superman is happy to see them go because property values were really plummeting since they moved into the neighborhood.

I hope A Calculus's personality survived.

Alec's story ends in the swamp hanging out with Abby and Gaurev while reading Gabriel Garcia Marquez's 100 Years of Solitude. I wish I could remember anything about the book which I read about twenty years ago! I bet the themes interweave with Swamp Thing's themes! Then Swamp Thing looks at you and the comic book is over.

The thing I missed most during Charles Soule's run of Swamp Thing was the horror. Perhaps he was telling a horror story of a kind but it wasn't one that spoke to my fears. But that's the only complaint I have about his run on this title. I loved this character. Soule's Swamp Thing was likable and kind and thoughtful. The final page I scanned speaks to the generosity, confidence, and wisdom of Alec Holland at the end of his journey. He chooses not only to not destroy the Machine Kingdom but to give it autonomy and free will. He allows it to make its own decisions but knowing that there will be consequences if the Machines decide to act like Anton Arcane again. He's encouraging the Machine Kingdom to grow and to learn instead of forcing it in some kind of captivity or limbo where it would only learn hatred and bitterness. It's not often you see a character mature this much. He's gone from being a rock star to the plants to being a nurturing, peaceful caregiver. And hopefully Abby lost enough of her rot power that they can still fuck from time to time.

Swamp Thing #40 Rating: +3 Ranking. I don't know what the future will bring for Swamp Thing but for now, I'm content with his story. It was as satisfying as a San Diego Comicon selfie with a non-digital camera.

Me, Supergirl, and Upright

Swamp Thing #39

Is it weird that life and death want to fuck each other?

Is it weird that I think it's weird that life and death want to fuck each other? Maybe there's something wrong with me! I'd better consult Sex-O-Scope to determine what kinds of hang-ups I have about sex!

Oh boy! My turn-ons accurate to a tenth of a degree!

This Sex-O-Scope was programmed years before the internet but it's asking me questions that I can only answer by using the internet! I suppose I could have had some kind of almanac nearby back in the early eighties to tell me what number time zone the Pacific Time Zone is! Or the Latitude and Longitude of the city where I was born! But who the fuck knows those kinds of things off-hand? I suppose people who are into their aspects and which planets are rising in what zodiac! It probably doesn't matter anyway since it asks me to enter three different numbers for both latitude and longitude. I just split them up two numbers at a time. I hope that was right! I don't want to learn that my turn-ons are monkey butts and licorice ropes!

Okay! Now I've given it all the information it needs which seems like it's lacking something. How is it supposed to know my turn-ons and hang-ups with just my name, birth date, time zone, and birth location?! Oh well. Tell me what I want to fuck, Sex-O-Scope!

I'm so excited!

And the initial results:

I don't understand any of this! What does this have to do with orgasms?!

I hope some cuckoo astrology person can interpret this for me! Hopefully the next readout will have something more useful.

Nope! Just more incomprehensible gibberish!

The following readout is a list of planetary aspects that reads like truly terrible Sailor Moon pornographic fanfic.

"Venus is trine Mars"? Everybody sextiling? I think I have a boner?

After a few pages of more boring porn (which I successfully masturbated too though!), I finally reach a page that tells me things I want to learn about myself!

Hey ladies! Apparently I won't take no for an answer! Unless I won't say yes! Wait. What does that mean?

Why is this thing telling me to not get involved lightly with myself?! Hey! Is this thing to test out potential mates and not for insight into one's own sexual depravities?

If this program is to check compatibility with potential mates, how the fuck are you supposed to get all of that latitude and longitude information out of them?! Did people in the seventies used to run around with all of that information so they could compare astrological signs and ascending planets? Was "Hey baby, what's your sign?" often followed up with "And the latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates of your place of birth?"

Anyway, according to the Sex-O-Scope, I don't know very many sexual positions. It's true! I only know Reverse Cowbell, Sloppy Dishwashing, and Tangled in Seaweed. Oh wait! There's more exciting information with my sun in Libra!

I'm too good at ménage à troising! I didn't know you could be too good at that! I guess I'm too eager to stick it into any hole I see in the tangle of limbs and eager orifices!

Okay, Sex-O-Scope, now you're getting too cerebral for me.

Apparently I'm also "expansive" and "all-embracing." I didn't realize I was bisexual until now! I'm also "mellow and warm inside." Isn't everybody? But I'm also "over or underwhelming, runs to extremes in quantity, sexual direction. Must learn what is just right amount, stick to it." I wish Sex-O-Scope would tell me the right amount!

I also need "gentle but reassuring prodding to get it on." So I guess when I won't say "yes," you're supposed to keep leaning on me until I give in! That sounds like terrible advice!

Apparently Sex-O-Scope is going to give me a little information on all of the Sailor Scout fuck team-ups listed earlier, so I should probably leave it at that. Especially after Sex-O-Scope begins getting too personal and says I "can't make wishes known, have unrealistic desires, falls into bad scenes without realizing it" and that I'm "helpless!" With the exclamation point! Fuck you, Sex-O-Scope! If you really knew me, you just would have printed the word "MASTURBATER" in big, bold letters!

This Sex-O-Scope thing seems awfully general and generous about the information it's presenting! As if it expects most of the things it's saying to be off the mark but so vague that it doesn't seem like an outright misrepresentation of the person, and then it vomits out so much information that something is bound to sound correct so that the person reading it will say, "Holy shit! I'm totally a friendly, mellow lover, who grows richer with age!" I think this astrology stuff might be bogus!

Why did I waste so much of my time on it!? I don't care that I wasted your time on it. You could have just skipped past all of this bullshit until you saw the first scan of Swamp Thing! Which I'll add now so people not wanting to learn my hang-ups and turn-ons will know where to begin this commentary.

Here! Here is where the actual commentary begins! Stop scrolling!

Last issue, Anton Arcane found himself in the Green and made a desperate plea to The Rot to choose him as their avatar once again. The Rot decided that having Anton Arcane as an avatar has been such a bad idea so many times in their history that maybe this time it's bound to be a good idea! So Anton once again took up the mantle and then he began pissing and shitting all over The Green. Which is why Swamp Thing feels so sick now.

Alec Holland commences tossing his own salad while Lady Weeds watches and offers encouragement. It's even more disturbing because Alec keeps calling her "mama." Swamp Thing just says things like "Please don't put that in your mouth" and "You're using too much teeth."

If only Wolf were around to witness this!

Do I sue Charles Soule over the use of "Plant Man"? That's what my Crayola crayon coloring identity calls Swamp Thing!

A through Omega Calculus have been watching Lady Weeds and they don't like what they see. I mean, they like her butt and her sweet, "I'll cut your dick off while you sleep" smile. But they don't like her recent actions. The way she poisoned the green and had her baby toss Swamp Thing's salad just turn their equations inside out. To them, she's like trying to find the square root of a negative number. And she has to go. The Machine Kingdom simply wanted to organize the kingdoms so that they all ran on time. But Lady Weeds has ruined their plans by poisoning the Green.

Abby returns to find Swamp Thing with his pants around his ankles and his asshole full of saliva. He's also goopy and runny and smelly like a bag of spinach leaves left in the fridge for six weeks. Abby's lost most of her power due to the Parliament of the Rot's terrible decision to give the Avatar job back to Anton. But Swamp Thing has an idea that will fix everything! He knows a guy that always fixes everything!

Hmm. Are you sure that's the guy, Plant Man?

Meanwhile, Lady Weeds makes two plus two equal zero and murders the entire Parliament of Machines. Now when Lady Weeds is killed by Anton Arcane, the dumb machines are going to return to being led by a mouthy toaster.

Constantine helps Swamp Thing get his mojo back so that Swampy can make an assault on The Green. He's got to get it back from Anton and Missus Fungus before he turns into compost. Or mulch. One of those.

Swamp Thing confronts Anton Arcane in the barren wastes of what's left of the Green. But Swamp Thing still has some Green hidden away! It's the jail cell where he trapped the members of the Parliament of Trees and all of the previous avatars. He frees them all and instantly gets chastised by them. "Fucking idiot." "Worst. Avatar. Ever." "Embarrassment to the position!" "Carrot for brains!" Even Anton is shocked at how horrible they treat him.

Swamp Thing #39 Rating: No change. I was really sad to see A Calculus's program stopped by Lady Weeds hitting Control-C. I'm not sure I like her anymore. I didn't mind when she was killing background characters or trying to kill Swamp Thing or finishing off Wolf or getting horrible tattoos all over her silky skin or trying to take over the world. But I have my limits and when she killed cute, adorable little A Calculus, that was too much. I think I could have been good friends with A Calculus. Pros before psychos! "Pros" is short for "programs" here! And "psychos" is short for psychotics!

Secret Origins #9

Swamp Thing
The Swamp Thing was created when a drunk frat guy pissed on and then vomited into the Greek House's mascot, a four foot tall Chia Pet lovingly referred to as Hervé Villechaize. The Chia Pet was posted outside the room the frat brothers had dubbed "Fantasy Island." Most of the fantasies that took place in the room were unsatisfying, hazy, and most likely criminal. The morning after the Chia Pet had come to life, neighbors complained of an unbearable stench coming from the house. When none of the members of the frat could be reached, a Hazmat team kicked down the front door to investigate. What they found were the half-decayed bodies of every member of the frat, their bodies propped up against walls and furniture with one arm raised to the sky, the index finger extending from the otherwise closed fist. Across the back wall, smeared in blood and faces, was the phrase, "The Plane."

I'm pretty sure that's how Swamp Thing was first introduced in House of Mystery #171 House of Secrets #92!

The account of how Alec Holland became the Swamp Thing is being written by Gaurev the Sureen based on interviews he conducted with Brother Jonah, The Wolf, and Lady Weeds. So I don't think his account is going to be any more trustworthy than my account!

The beginning of the story won't surprise anybody. Alec Holland was the shining star and number one draft pick for the job of Avatar of the Green which meant The Rot needed to kill him before he posed a threat to their power. This ended in the iconic image of Alec Holland stumbling out of his house, on fire, and face planting into the swamp.

Is that iconic? Maybe I just mean familiar!

After he died, some other Swamp Thing only pretending to be Alec Holland bumbled around during the years before Flashpoint. But then Alec Holland was brought back to life by a White Ring and the Swamp Thing realized he was nothing but a husk pretending to be an avatar and it went off to live on Mars. The Parliament of Trees pursued Alec until he was finally forced to take on the role and become the greatest Swamp Thing that ever existed (if you discount Alan Moore's Swamp Thing who might not actually have been as talented (the Thing! Not the Moore!) but fuck did it leave an impact on the comic book world).

Gaurav ends his biography with some overly emotional pap and that's that. The Swamp Thing's secret origin! That wasn't much of a secret at all, really.

Swamp Thing Secret Origin Rating: No change. This was less of a synopsis and more of a finally! Wait, I think I got that wrong. It was simply exactly what you would have expected. Look in the swamp! It's a plant! It's a compost heap! It's a monster! No, wait! It's a human! Applause.

Power Girl
I'm just guessing that this is Power Girl's origin since it's written by Paul Levitz and it begins with Superman finding a crashed ship with a flying blonde toddler in it! She doesn't have her boob window yet but then she doesn't have boobs either, so I guess it would be useless. This is normally where I try to remember everything I know about the character's secret origin but fuck if I know anything about Power Girl's Preboot origin! I never really did follow the Earth-2 kids. Or were they Earth-1 back then? It's all so confusing!

Clark brings the little girl back to his parents' farmhouse to say, "What the fuck do we do with this?!"

And then she kicked a hole straight through Ma Kent's belly.

Kara eventually gets old enough to move to the big city to live with Clark and Lois. Superman heads to the farm to pick her up, they say their goodbyes to the Kents, and then they fly away, Kara still in her civvies. Haven't any of these people ever heard of binoculars?! They really don't give a shit about secret identities, do they? I suppose Superman's whole "glasses are a good enough disguise" attitude says exactly how much he cares about secret identities. Put a little effort into it, why dontcha?

Oh, also, they don't go to the big city. They go to the deserted island because Clark is a controlling asshat.

"Honey, try to see it from my point of view. I don't need a daughter or a sister. But just remember: I love you, weapon."

Eventually Lois was killed and then Catwoman was killed and then Supergirl found her best friend, Robin. Then the world nearly blew up and Superman and Batman died saving it and Supergirl and Robin found themselves trapped in a raging river in their inflatable raft only to head over a cliff and through a portal into another land.

There they met a furry little guy named Chaka and a whole series of pylons which hid altars filled with gemstones. One of the most powerful was in a cave filled with Sleestak, terrifying lizard-like men with huge claws and big black eyes. Eventually, after lots and lots of experiments and some close calls getting home, they did figure out how to open a portal and head back to Earth-2 to see their world burn.

But before Power Girl left, she gave some of her powers and all of her money to Tanya Spears.

Power Girl Secret Origin Rating: No change. Come on, Secret Origins! Tell me some stuff that hasn't been mostly explained in the issues since The New 52 began! The new stuff about Kara being just a kid at the farm was cute but it just wasn't enough to change the ranking. Now if only they had finally included that Helena/Karen shower scene we've all been clamoring for!

John Stewart, Green Lantern
I don't remember if I ever read the Preboot story about how John Stewart was picked to be a Green Lantern. And I'm not even sure if it's been covered since The New 52 began. So maybe I'm finally going to learn some super exciting stuff that I've never known before! Finding things that I don't already know is super difficult because I know just about everything. It can get pretty boring going through life with an IQ of 28. You never miss nothin'! Or something.

Oh boy! It's another "Earth is super fucking special" story!

I'd better be nice while commenting on this story because it's probably been written by my very best almost Facebook friend in all of the world, Van Jensen. What kind of a name is Van? That sounds like a girl's name!

Oh boy! It's another "Stewart kills his friends when he must kill his friends" story!

The Guardians watching him like that he's able to yell at authority figures and design buildings. He's a lot like one of their favorite earthlings ever, Mike Brady.

John gets a job working for Ferris Air. What a coincidence! That's where lots and lots of Lantern activity takes place! What is Guy Gardner's connection to Ferris Air? Did he pass out in every pilot's bar in the area?

The Guardians crash a Manhunter into one of the runways and it begins strutting around saying, "Where is Green Lantern? Where is the one you call the Lantern Green? Where is the being that is Green and carries a Lantern? Kill all men!"

Oh yeah! I totally forgot they say that all of the time!

The Lantern Ring flies down and says, "John Stewart of Earth. You have the ability to kill your best friends. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps!" And John Stewart is all, "Now we're talking, baby!" John learns that anything he imagines, the ring creates. Luckily the first thing he imagines is a machine gun. If I had been chosen, Carol Ferris's clothes would have instantly flown off in all directions. And I would have been all "Whoops!" because I didn't know it would do that! And Carol would be all, "You knew it would do that!" And I would be all, "What? No way!" And she would have been, "We'll talk about this later in the motel room where you can take my clothes off in private!" And I would be all, "Carol is my centerfold!" And she'd be all, "Piss on the wall!" And I'd be all, "Do you remember when?" And she'd be all, "Angel in Green!" And I'd be all, "Manhunter's stink! Yeah yeah!"

John defeats the Manhunter because "no man" escapes the Manhunters and John isn't a man at all. He's an architect! Then the ring flies him to Oa to be called a Poozer.

See? I should man a psychic hotline. But people can only ask questions that any comic book lover can answer. I'd be awesome!

John Stewart Secret Origin Rating: No change. John didn't even kill any of his best friends! What a let down!

Swamp Thing #38

Reincarnated cyborg Alec Holland looks like early 80s post-punk new wave John Constantine.

If you ever wanted to ensure that the novel you're writing (oh come on! Everybody is writing one! Even if it's just in their heads and they tell their friends the plot and it's really just a five line synopsis of an unwittingly plagiarized story) never gets banned, here's a helpful tip: make sure your book is six thousand pages long and nigh on impenetrable to the average person. Most of the people that want to ban books are of average or below average intelligence. They might read popular books because they want to fit in, or they might have heard popular books discussed and pretended to have read them because they want to not be seen as dumb fuckturds, and so they'll acquaint themselves with your material. And to show they're critical readers, they'll be offended by anything that they can possibly figure out how to be offended by. And then you'll sell millions of copies! But if you don't want that to happen for some reason, do that thing I said earlier that I already forgot about because I want my book to sell a million copies too! Is the second page too early to put the scene where Jesus dick slaps Judas and then goes on a goat fucking rampage while shouting "Allaho Akbar! There is no god but the God, and Mohammed is the Apostle of God!"?

What's that? How does Jesus know about Mohammed? You want me to give away the entire plot of my book? No fucking way! Although I will say this: it's the best fucking post-apocalyptic, coming-of-age, college-road-trip time travel story ever written!

I've probably said too much! Nobody steal that synopsis to describe the novel you're working on to people whose pants you're trying to get into!

The issue begins with Swamp Thing battling Machines all over the Earth while Lady Machine and Anton Arcane reanimate Alec Holland's corpse by having a three way fuck party on his bones.

I wonder if this works for cats?

After their sex brings Alec Holland back from the dead, they all take a field trip to Louisiana to visit Gaurav the Sureen. They take over his mind with fungus and then blow up his house. I think they're trying to get his attention so that he can come kick their asses. I mean, they're not trying to get their asses kicked. Lady Machine and Anton Arcane and Missus Fungus actually think they can beat Swamp Thing. Heck, maybe this time they're right! What if Charles Soule is going to leave Swamp Thing dead when he runs off to Marvel for good?! Can he do that?!

Alec sends part of his consciousness off to battle Reanimated Alec Holland while the rest of him lays siege to The Machine's Arctic Fortress with Abby Arcane. I hope Swamp Thing got the right directions off of Mapquest or Superman is going to be pissed.

And now Abby is going to be pissed.

Sometimes I wish I were angrier. Just angry at something! Anything! That way I could write page after page after page of intensely passionate rants about the thing I was angry at. People who have reason to be angry have been given a gift. They are the luckiest people in the world, those people that are angry. When you're not angry, you have nothing to say. Well, you have some things to say. Things like, "How is the weather?" or "Do you like pizza?" But it gets boring writing those kinds of things over and over again. But people who are angry at something never get tired of writing about the thing they are angry at! Even if they constantly repeat themselves, it doesn't matter because their anger usually causes them to spit out the same thing in various ways which makes it seem like they are saying different things but they are really just losing focus and rambling because the anger has driven them crazy. I hate not being angry at things. I would give anything to be angry all of the time.

People who are angry also sound intelligent. It's like, "Whoa! Look at how much spit and passion are coming out of that person's face. What they are screaming about must be important. They must be smart enough to see something that I can't see which is driving them mad with rage." Sometimes I see a car with a bumper sticker on it that says, "If you aren't outraged then you aren't paying attention," and I think, "Geez. I really thought I was paying attention but I guess not!"

Once I thought I was really, really angry but it turned out that I was just wrong about what I was angry about and then had to apologize for yelling at a bunch of people. But I rarely ever see angry people apologizing for screaming at other people, so I guess they must all be correct in their anger. In fact, they're usually demanding that everybody else apologize for being part of the reason they're angry. I guess I should apologize now because I don't want anybody yelling at me! Sorry, hothead! I didn't mean to do that anger inducing thing! I guess I just wasn't paying close enough attention!

They're all sneaking off to pee in the green.

Have you ever noticed that when you are close to someone, they often want you to join them in their anger? And if you do not care like they do, they get angry at you! I guess they feel the passion of your anger at the thing they are angry at equals the amount you care about them and then their feelings are hurt when you do not share their intense rage at the subject. It's easier to just grit your teeth and shake your fist and say, "Yeah! Yeah! Down with that bad crap!" Then when they look at you to make sure you are just as angry as they are, you can nod knowingly and smile in your shared outrage. Then when they look away, you can check your phone to see if anybody has texted you. Then you can text them back but you should do it by angrily jabbing the screen with your index finger because you're so pretend worked up about the thing that made your friend angry.

My mother used to say, "You have to hate somebody!" That was her justification for hating Arabs. I did not understand her anger at them. I don't believe she understood her anger at them either. That probably explains why her reason behind her anger seemed to be completely random, like she drew "Arabs" out of the Hat of Hate and just shrugged her shoulders and said, "Yeah, okay." Maybe picking someone or something to hate intensely makes life more vibrant in all of its other aspects. Maybe my mother sees flowers and thinks, "These are so beautiful because they are in danger of the filthy Arabs destroying them for eternity." Perhaps I should find something to hate?

I see you all desperately trying to be the first person to leave a comment that says, "But what about Scott Lobdell?!" Oh, you silly cretins. That is like a magic trick. It's like pulling the rabbit out of the hat. The rabbit was never actually in the hat to begin with! It's all sleight of hand and legerdemain (which is the same thing so I probably shouldn't have said them both) done to entertain the viewer! Although I probably shouldn't have pointed out it's a trick! Once the trick has been revealed, it loses its luster. Now nobody is going to be entertained by my rants against Scott Lobdell because they will say, "I know how this trick works. I know the secret of this trick very well."

Oh well. Maybe some day I will feel anger. Or I will be paying attention. Some day.

Chlorine! We need more chlorine!

Once everybody pees in the Green, The Rot realizes that Anton Arcane was their man all along. Even though they chastised him and went against his plans to turn everything into a beautiful Rotworld, now they think this is a good time for him to destroy the Green. Maybe they forgot that they didn't like how successful he was because it never happened due to time travel. Or maybe they were just tired of the Avatar of the Green visiting their Avatar and making fuck dolls to fuck each other until they crumbled into dust. Anton really mucks up The Green with his rancid pee pee once The Rot decides to back him. And then Swamp Thing begins to rot away while Reanimated Alec Holland laughs on like a feeble minded zombie.

Swamp Thing #38 Rating: No change. Once Charles Soule goes over to Marvel for good, he should begin writing Man-Thing! He does like writing about big green monsters! I didn't mean to insult She-Hulk even though it's a valid description of her.

Red Lanterns #37

Three issues of Godhead and a Tie-In in my immediate comic book reading future. *sob*

Time for Guy Gardner and Simon Baz to save the universe! Don't let that smarmy Hal Jordan manage it! Or that arrogant Sinestro! Or that weak-willed weaselly Kyle Rayner!

Here is a short list of things that have not been touched on since Godhead began but probably should have caused waves somewhere:

1. Larfleeze lost his stuff.
2. Mogo lost the protection of his Lantern Ring and is now adrift in space, far from any warming sun because the Lanterns don't even care enough to share one of their rings with him.
3. What does Darkseid think about Highfather gearing up for war? Is he just too busy razing Earths, collecting Supermen, and fending off Bat-invasions?
4. Guy ditched Ice in Dubai to go beat shit up.

That last one is probably the most important. Although it's possible Ice left on her own when she realized Guy was more interested in the dictator across the sea than in her bikini.

Now on New Genesis, it's about time Malhedron made up with Guy and Simon so they can put an end to Highfather's bullshit.

Right on time. Well, actually a little late since Guy and Simon had to mostly break out of the Miracle Prison all by themselves.

Guy and Simon learn from Malhedron where the stolen rings are being kept. Guy's interest is mostly in the Blue Ring. Probably because it boosts the Green Lantern's power. At normal power, they've had no luck defeating any of the New Gods. But with a Blue Ring backing them, they might have a chance. And Guy will probably be the person that will have to wear the Blue Ring because Saint Walker is being a big baby, pouting about the death of all of his friends and worried about the Spectrum Light destroying the universe.

After Malhedron leads Guy and Simon to the rings, he skins out for the territories. Simon Baz goes full frontal assault on Hyalt because he doesn't want Guy Gardner trying to sacrifice his life in this fight. So Guy heads on in and discovers the rings. He slips on an extra Red Ring and throws the fabled Double Red Punch of Death on Hyalt's robot sentry.

Guy should have put all the rings on! If Kyle can handle it, he can too! And then he'd be unstoppable!

I guess two Red Rings increases a person's vomit levels.

The Star Sapphire Ring flies off on its own to create a new Lantern. Maybe it's John's Violet Ring and it wants him back. After Simon gives Guy a pep talk about how awesome Guy Gardner is, Guy decides that maybe the world wouldn't be better off without him. It's no It's A Wonderful Life. Unless it is? I've never seen it so maybe this is exactly like that movie? Was Jimmy Stewart taught the lesson that his life meant something by a Muslim?

Finally the Bohemian Guardians meet up with Kyle, Stewart, Ferris, and Walker who weren't killed by Highfather like every reader reading New Guardians #37 thought had actually happened. They were just teleported out of Highfather's range of smell. The Bohemian Guardians let them know that they have a plan to end this war but they can't tell them about it until Sinestro #8. So I guess that's next!

Red Lanterns #37 Rating: No change. Ugh! Get Guy out of this Godhead bullshit before his time is up! Not many issues left of Red Lanterns now. And then where will Guy wind up? Since New Guardians and Green Lantern Corps are also ending, I bet a new series begins where the Lanterns create some kind of universal crew that responds to emergencies. It will be composed of Lanterns of all different Spectrums because every emergency in space will need a different response team. Or maybe DC has decided it's time to calm down with all of this Lantern shit. Everybody is burnt out on cosmic crises!

Swamp Thing #37

Boo! Hiss! I don't think I want to fuck Lady Weeds anymore. Maybe. Hmm, well, okay. But she'd better not make vacuum cleaner noises while I'm failing to bring her to orgasm.

That reminds me! Are we all using the phrase "Curiosity got the teenaged boy's dick stuck in the jacuzzi vent" instead of "Curiosity killed the cat"? I think it's more realistic because cats might be curious but they're so bad-ass that it rarely ever gets them killed. Perhaps "Gluttony killed the cat" would be more apt? Or "Choking on its toy string while it continued to try to play with it killed the cat"? What about "Sleeping under the blanket and getting sat upon killed the cat"? "The asshole neighbor that doesn't understand cats are free roaming members of the community killed the cat"? "Climbing up into the warm engine of your car killed the cat"? "Contracting feline AIDS killed the cat"?

I should probably stop before I make myself cry!

The first six pages of this issue have been reserved for the birth of Mistress 404, Avatar of Machines. I guess Charles Soule had a lot of scripts to write this month so he probably just sent a note to Jesus Saiz to waste five or six pages on coming up with as graphic a birth scene as he could. And now that that's over, maybe we'll get some of that fantastic Charles Soule conflict where one superhero talks the ear off of another superhero and then the other superhero, instead of punching the first superhero for some reason, actually brings up a counter argument to the first superhero's point. It's crazy. There's never been a superhero comic book like it!

Constantine comes looking for Swamp Thing to discuss (Seriously! Discussion!) the rise of the new kingdom and its Avatar. Constantine enjoys his magic so he can't be too happy that technology is rallying behind a leader, and a vicious one at that. Unless she's viscous! One of those. I wonder if Constantine's going to try to involve Buddy Baker as well. Or has everybody stopped calling him because they're tired of him just turning them down because "you know, guys...I got the family and all"?

Lady Weeds first mission is to think up a cool new name. Like Mistress 404?! Shut up! It is too cool!

First mission failed! Seriously? Rithm?! Machine Queen?! I wonder if Mother Machine is going to be pissed about this whole Machine Kingdom business?

Machine Queen, Agent of Rithm's second mission is to take over one of the other kingdoms. She'll probably save Swamp Thing for last, so she's probably going to go after Buddy or the Fungus Leader.

Swamp Thing asks for Constantine's help because Alec Holland has a death wish, I guess? Don't partner up with that schleprock!

Swamp Thing has dingleberries.

The Machine Queen easily convinces the Mistress of the Grey to give over dominion of the fungus in exchange for a new body and the promise to end Alec Holland. I don't think Buddy or Abigail are going to be that easy to convince. Although Maxine probably wants a new computer and an iPod for Christmas, so maybe if Machine Queen can get Buddy a discount?

The Machine Queen's third mission is to recruit Anton Arcane. Christ! Does that fucker have to be involved in every Swamp Thing story arc?!

So that's what killed the cat! Dick.

Anton Arcane is currently a sniveling wretch and of no use to the Rithm as a leader of their armies. But Anton does have one thing that he thinks might help. He's been dragging it in a huge sack all over Philadelphia as he eats stray animals and digs through dumpsters. It's the corpse of Alec Holland.

Swamp Thing #37 Rating: No change. How did Charles Soule waste six pages on the birth of the Machine Queen and still seem to pack in a full comic book worth of story on the subsequent fourteen pages? Is that even possible? Maybe it's because he left out all of the usual superhero battles. Constantine didn't fight Swamp Thing. Lady Machine didn't fight the Mistress of the Grey. Anton Arcane didn't fight anybody except that cat. It was almost a violence free issue! Except for that cat thing. And the birth scene!

Red Lanterns #36

Guy Gardner should be the next DC character to get a television show.

This would be my pitch for a Guy Gardner television show. Each episode would be two interweaving stories of equal length. One would be about Guy Gardner as a preteen kid growing up in Boston living with his drunk cop father that loves him less than the other kids. The theme of that story will tie in to the theme of the story of Guy Gardner as an adult as he deals with becoming a Green Lantern. The adult Guy Gardner will come off as a complete dick so that if you only had access to the adult part of the story, you couldn't find any reason to like him at all. But the childhood story would reveal why he's acting so angry or cocky or bitter in the face of the current episodic problem he's dealing with as an adult. I think it would be a tough show to write because I'd really want Guy as an adult to be completely unlikable on his own yet his younger self would be irresistibly charming and innocent as he tries to navigate his harsh world. The audience couldn't help but root for his younger self which would, unless they're total monsters, lead them to eventually feel sympathy towards, and maybe even learn to understand and actually like, adult Guy Gardner. And I don't mean some trite shit like showing Guy abused and then we have to realize Guy is abusive because of his childhood trauma. I mean shit like young Guy sees his father constantly take it in the ass (figuratively) by some officious jerks in the department driving his father to drink too much and run over the family dog. So then adult Guy meets up with an officious, bureaucratic alien race which drives him to drink every time he has to deal with them and then purposefully running speeding through one of the alien races dog parks and squashing a bunch of their furry friends. See? You'd hate that Guy! But maybe you'd understand him a little bit through the childhood story!

Guy Gardner has always been one of those characters I've always felt particularly close to. I love that he's got the heart of a true hero and realizes that the bottom line when saving the day isn't that you're well liked. He's got a lot of rough edges that keep people from being close to him and, tragically or not, he seems to be most comfortable within those rough edges. Why else would he be growing out that mustache?

I've been unconsciously wanting a buddy comic with these two guys. Probably! It was unconscious so I can't be totally sure of it.

Simon Baz, peacemaker, and Guy Gardner, Bar Room Brawl Starter, have a short discussion about what to do next. Guy feels like he should die battling gods and Simon Baz thinks Guy should not die battling people that just think they're gods but cannot compare to Allah, true light of mercy and redemption. They'll probably compromise and either not die battling gods, or die battling people that think they're gods.

Over on New Genesis, Malhedron brings up a good point about the cosmic cold war between New Genesis and Apokolips.

Somebody get Highfather a copy of Wargames pronto!

Simon and Guy (they should open a business together. "Simon and Guy's Bagels." Or, um, something) visit Cyborg because Cyborg has the technology to transport them to New Genesis. But Cyborg, being young, is still holding a grudge against Simon Baz for trying to save the world by beating up the Justice League when Superman and Wonder Woman were first starting to get freaky. But he doesn't even know Guy!

How can you not like Guy's response to this?! I hate people that hate Guy Gardner! Hate is a strong word but I think it's called for in this instance.

Hal is a douche, Vic. Don't trust that idiot! Trust Simon and Guy! They're the lanterns you're going to have to deal with on a semi-regular basis from now on. Anyway, when was the last time Hal was around to help the Justice League? That asshole completely abandoned you guys!

Victor wants no part in sending Simon and Guy to New Genesis via his BOOM Tube technology. I think maybe they need to make a call to Alfred Pennyworth! Is this issue going to end with Victor waking up on the floor woozy from the cyber-drugs and thinking, "Not again!"

Simon Baz threatens to shut down STAR Labs and put Vic's dad out on the street. And instead of Vic saying, "Good! Fuck that asshole!" he says, "*grumble mumble rumble* Fine."

Simon and Guy (I can't not type that without picturing them flying down the streets of San Francisco in a gold Chevy Nova) don't trust the Justice League to take care of the Earth while they're gone, so they bring in some outside Lantern help.

Someday, B'dg is going to snap, gather up all the Green Lanterns in his cheeks, and look cute as all hell!

Simon and Guy request that Cyborg BOOM Tube them somewhere out of the way on New Genesis. I think that's the kind of request you make to people that you haven't just threatened. So I don't think it's a mistake or a miscalculation or an accident on Victor's part that he BOOM Tubes Simon and Guy directly on top of Malhedron and Dia. The fact that Mal and Dia were currently naked and about to BOOM Tube their own selves is just a happy coincidence.

The good thing, which Simon and Guy don't realize at the time, is that Malhedron, originally from Apokolips, is beginning to question Highfather's need to defeat Darkseid at the cost of everything else in the universe. I still think a copy of Wargames would help him understand what he's doing is wrong.

In the moment (because Malhedron needs time to recognize allies!), Mal and Dia try to kill Simon and Guy. But Highfather stops them. I guess Highfather likes to watch Mal and Dia fuck so he was alerted to the Lantern invasion as soon as it happened. He orders Mal to put Simon and Guy in a Miracle Prison where they shall be interrogated by Malhedron. That's when he'll realize these guys are his allies!

Red Lanterns #36 Rating: This is one of my favorite comics but it only became so after Charles Soule began writing it. Or after Guy Gardner joined. It's hard to separate the two, really! This comic book had such a hard time finding its voice that I'm nervous about what's going to happen to it once Soule leaves DC for good to go be a stupid dumb dumb head over at Marvel. I like to embrace my bitter, wounded, oft betrayed inner child!