Nightwing #14

"Making Blüdhaven murderer safe?" That's a terrible slogan.

The Review!
No change. Rebirth has placed Dick Grayson back in Blüdhaven. I guess he was there once before. But that was back when I had stopped reading comic books and also when I couldn't stand Dick Grayson. It's not my fault that I didn't like Dick Grayson for years and years. The blame for that lies squarely on Marv Wolfman's shoulders because he wrote him so terribly. But that's not entirely Marv Wolfman's fault either because Marv Wolfman got his Master's Degree in Making Dick Grayson Look Like a Piece of Shit. What else could he do?! It was all he had trained for. Luckily he minored in Lying About A Possible Elfquest Movie so that he had other things to do after completely ruining Dick Grayson and the Teen Titans.

Here's another quick Marv Wolfman Fact: his thesis for his Master's Degree was called "Other Dimensional Demonic Beings and Their Penchant for Rape."

But this book isn't about Marv Wolfman. I don't know how Marv Wolfman is psychically forcing me to discuss him. Maybe he wants me to get back to reading the 1990s Deathstork the Terminator comic book! I will, Marv, I will! But first I have to catch up on the current comic books.

Speaking of current comic books, this issue wrapped up the Mystery of the Framed Reformed Super Villains. Much to the surprise of nobody who understands how comic book arcs are written, everything works out! No good character is arrested and Nightwing gets laid! But also much to the surprise of nobody who understands how comic books have to try to entice the reader into buying the next issue, another Nightwing makes an appearance! He's got long hair and a red bird on his chest so he might be Prebirth Nightwing!

Nightwing #13

Is this sex?

The Review!
Currently in Nightwing, Nightwing has moved to Bludhaven (with an umlaut! I'm too lazy to find the alt code for it) to adventure with a team of superheroes who might alternately engage in pornographic film making when they're not fighting crime. They have names like Thrill Devil and Stallion and Jizz and Goober. I'd be getting aroused just by those names if I hadn't masturbated like five minutes ago. They're all super villains trying to reform so Nightwing has a soft spot for them. Also he has a soft spot for them because he wants to touch the soft spot on their mentor. She was framed so she's currently in jail. I don't remember what her supervillain name was. Probably Tight Twat.

Nightwings mini-team decide to stop trying to be heroes because they're quitters. Also I don't think they really wanted to be heroes. They just don't want to be thought of as criminals anymore. Well maybe they shouldn't run around in their old super villain outfits! Most of them are white. If they just put on some clean clothes and act like they've never broken the law ever, they can pass as law abiding citizens! But Mouse is African-American so she'll get hassled by some racist cop at some point simply for existing.

Meanwhile, the Bludhaven police are complaining that keeping the law is too hard when they can't beat the shit out of perps. As if that was a good tool to keeping the city safe! The problem isn't that maybe a guy breaking into a car shouldn't possibly get a stray elbow to the jaw just to learn him some consequences. The problem is that cops often don't actually know who the criminals are and tend to beat up anybody their "gut" says is a criminal. That's the part of the argument a lot of these asshole Blue Lives Matter people can't get past. It's their racist blind spot. Cops don't just go out there and beat people who deserve to be beaten (we'll pretend that's a thing. We'll pretend people breaking laws deserve to be beaten. It isn't a thing. But let's pretend for a second). Cops go out and beat people who they suspect deserve to be beaten. And if the person they suspect hasn't done anything and tells the cop they haven't, suddenly the cop accuses them of mouthing off to the cop and before you know it, they're being beaten for resisting arrest. Cops not only think they can get away with murder; they've discovered they absolutely can get away with murder. Just explain that you feared for your life and you're off the hook for shooting somebody who didn't have any kind of weapon at all. As long as you swear you thought they had a weapon, you're good. Don't worry about the life you took and all the people whose lives were ruined because of it. But you notice how you can't use the excuse that you feared for your lives even when you run from cops? That seems way more justified!

That's her connection? The direction of the victims' faces?! I don't know, man! That's some M. Night Shyamalan stretching it shit! I guess the murderer is going to wind up being the "Hey! Look over there!" Killer.

Nightwing is busy running around trying to stop another murder. He's using the rooftops and he winds up running across tourism billboards for Bludhaven. Why would Bludhaven advertise Bludhave inside of Bludhaven? Worst tourist board ever.

Nightwing is in time to save the mayor and catch the man who has been framing all the ex-cons: Jimmy Nice! See? I told you! Remember when I said, "Another person Dick will be working with at Don’t Let Teenagers Become Violent And Steal My Things Headquarters is a guy named James Nice. That’s suspicious! You don’t get a name like Nice without being a cold-hearted dildo puncher." Too bad Nightwing didn't figure it out immediately. He needs to remember he's living in a comic book and comic book writers love to do stupid ironic bullshit like making guys named Nice not.

Nice gets away just as the cops get there so you know what that means! I mean, you must know what that means, right? How long have you been reading comic books? Even if you've only been reading them for a few months, you know how this works. The cops arrive at the scene of the crime and immediately try to arrest or kill the superhero. So now Dick isn't just the face of Bludhaven; he's also the...I don't have any way to finish that sentence cleverly. He's just a wanted man now.

Dick runs into Defacer (oh, that was her name! I was close with Tight Twat) who distracts him long enough for Detective Svoboda to get her gun on Nightwing. Apparently she wants to have coffee with him. So another woman who wants to fuck Dick. And he's only been in town for a few days. Lucky bastard!

The Ranking!
No change!

Nightwing #12

I didn't know whales had such nice tits.

The Review!
No change. Nightwing teams up with the Run-Offs to investigate the murders with which their friends have been framed. While doing this, they encounter their old friend, The Orca, who nearly defeats them. But thanks to a plucky chipmunk named Goob, the day is saved! Except the day isn't saved for the third person murdered in the last three nights. And this time, they were killed in a way that will get Thrill Devil framed. Plus, Dick encountered Cherry Annabel, employee of the Convention and Tourism Bureau. She's the one who decided he should be part of their ad campaign and also another woman he's probably going to fück.

This advert got me excited for a comic book in a way that I haven't been excited for a comic book in a long time. And, no, it didn't involve boners.

Nightwing #11

Well the names have all changed since you hung around, but those dreams have remained and they've turned around. Who'd have thought they'd lead ya back here where we need ya?

The Review!
In this issue, the Blüdhaven Tourist Board comes up with a new slogan and billboard:

Compare this to my slogan I came up with last commentary: “Come to Blüdhaven for the hookers, blow, and casinos! Stay to catch a glimpse of Nightwing’s ass!” Grandmaster Touism Slogan Comer Upper Wither!

Cherry, the Tourism Board person, suggests that the billboard picture might be better with a shot of Nightwing from the back. So see? I'm even better at this than I first thought!

This issue, Nightwing decides to help investigate Grimm's declarations of innocence. James Nice, Dick Grayson's coworker, would like Nightwing to help the super-villains gone good support group. But Dick is waffling because he just got out of a bad relationship with a super-villain. But he's completely attracted to Defacer, Shawn Tsang, who runs the group and hired Dick Grayson as a volunteer for the non-super-villain side of her organization. He thought his life would be less complicated moving to a place where crime was rampant but he's discovering a city without a Batman beating the shit out of anybody who breaks the slightest law is obviously more ethically gray than Gotham.

Wouldn't it be better to live across from a home for the blind?

Now Nightwing has offered to help The Run-Offs, the super-villains trying to restart life in Blüdhaven. But then Defacer gets arrested for another murder before he can fuck her. Or she can fuck him! I don't mean to objectify her by literally making her the object of that fucking sentence. She wants him just as much as he wants her.

Meanwhile, the Whale's Enders, the toughest street gang in the city, have decided that they don't want any heroes getting ideas about moving to their turf. So they send The Orca off to kill Nightwing. The Orca's real name is Grace and she was just recently a member of The Run-Offs trying to make her life better. So I guess next issue she'll either kill Dick or be patronized by him. Probably not both and maybe neither. I think Dick is trying to be friendly without appearing smug these days.

No rank change this week because of reasons I've mentioned previously. It's still #3 out of however many comic books I read each month, so if you're actually looking for a recommendation from somebody who knows what they're talking about, you should probably Google "comic book reviews."

Nightwing #10

I don't think I've ever read any Blüdhaven stories but I'm already angry that I have to learn the ALT code for the u with an umlaut.

After learning about Blüdhaven from Preboot Superman, Dick Grayson decides it's the place for him! He's heard that what happens in Blüdhaven stays in Blüdhaven (probably because what happens is usually murder and what stays is the corpse thrown into a concrete foundation being laid) and that totally sounds like the Dick Grayson way. Because lately, the Dick Grayson way has been more like the James Bond way. He wants to get back to familiar territory and the best way to do that is to move to someplace completely foreign to him.

Dick decides to get a job volunteering with a program that helps teens stay out of trouble. He nails the interview and, later, probably the boss.

Are there sexual harassment policies in place for trying to fuck volunteers to an organization? It's okay to bang them if you're not paying them, right?!

Dick Grayson is going to get so much püssy in Blüdhaven.

Another person Dick will be working with at Don't Let Teenagers Become Violent And Steal My Things Headquarters is a guy named James Nice. That's suspicious! You don't get a name like Nice without being a cold-hearted dildo puncher. I should know because my last name is...um...it's just Tess, actually. Never mind. Forget I said anything. Although, seriously, with all the links to my old websites and my Twitter account and the name Grunion Guy and my Xbox Live Handle and who knows what other things (like probably mentioning my name directly in an early review when I was drunk or something), it wouldn't take much effort for a stalker to figure out who I am. So why haven't I been stalked yet? So disappointing.

After Dick leaves, James and Shawn are all, "We should wear our supervillain costumes to the meeting tonight to show that we're in control of our supervillain tendencies! It'll help the teenage supervillains we're helping to understand that they can also avoid being violent and stealing other people's things. Maybe we can even convince them that they're superheroes instead of superzeroes! That's such a great slogan that it's probably already been copyrighted and now our organization is going to be sued and we'll all go back to our lives of crime. I guess that's not all bad seeing as how we live in Blühaven, Crime Capital of places with umlauts in their name."

Dick goes home to learn that normal life is too boring to live for a ward of Bruce Wayne's who was raised in a traveling circus to be a Talon and slept with a dwarf throughout his teen years. So he'll probably be out fighting crime before you can type the ALT code for a u with an umlaut over it.

Meanwhile, the Blüdhaven mayor is having a meeting with his staff to ensure that Blüdhaven doesn't become too family friendly in it's new campaign to lure families to the strip.

Nice bit of writing, Tim Seeley, to cover the fact that you don't know what "on fleek" means! Or that you just didn't care enough to look it up because it's fucking stupid. Slang doesn't prove that you're cool and in the know. Slang only means you're an unimaginative chump who wants to fit in so badly that you'll say stupid shit like "fleek" to describe whatever the hell is fleeky.

Being an older person, the only reason to use young people slang is to annoy the fuck out of them. But just because it's the only reason, it doesn't mean it's not a good reason. Making teenagers cringe is a healthy adult pastime, especially when they think they're the cool ones for recognizing a cringe-worthy moment. Oh, we know everything we do that makes you cringe, young people. It's the only reason we do any of it.

Searching my site, I used "on fleek" once when I mentioned how I have never said it. Besides, it was almost certainly uncool to say by the time I even learned about it! That's another part of the fun of using youthful slang. By the time adults know about it, it's been abandoned by the youth. We all know it but the youth think we still somehow think the slang is still en vogue. Super cringe points!

Marvel comics might have a case for suing DC Comics since Mayor Madrigal is basically Perry White. I mean J. Jonah Jameson!

That last paragraph (which was only a sentence) is for people who think I'm stupid and unsubtle. It's both proof that I am to people who think that and proof that I am not because there's a whole underbelly of criticism against fangenders and their Marvel vs DC war in that sentence. Paragraph!

Thankfully, some crime gets committed near Dick's new place, so he dons his costume and exits the window of his apartment in his Nightwing kit. So I guess he doesn't give a shit about his secret identity, does he? People are going to notice shit like that! And some of those people are going to be curious enough to figure out which window that apartment belongs to. And some of those people are going to earn big money selling the information to mob bosses.

The crime was committed by a talking ape who Dick quickly takes down for the Blüdhaven police. The ape is Gorilla Grimm from Gorilla City. I don't mean to sound racist in so many fucking ways I can't even fathom it but how does Dick recognize one Gorilla from Gorilla City over another? I would have sworn this was Grodd except that Grodd would never wear a wife-beater and a trucker's cap. Oh, maybe that's how he recognized him! To be fair to myself and my totally racist question which I didn't mean to be racist in suggesting that apes are equivalent to black people and the possible truth but probable stereotype that white people can't identify one black person from another because I really did just mean that I wouldn't be able to tell one gorilla from another, I probably wouldn't recognize Dick Grayson from one comic book artist to another without a bevy of clues that have nothing to do with his looks. I'm sure if Gorilla Grodd and Gorilla Grimm were real gorillas, I'd totally be able to tell the difference. Unless I'm Gorilla Face Blind. I might be! I haven't met enough gorillas to know for sure.

Poor Gorilla Grimm. Your parents don't give you that name if they think you're going to amount to anything. His hopes and aspirations were probably stillborn thanks to the name. Thanks a lot, Ma and Pa Gorilla! Fucking dicks.

Nightwing just got done thinking how nice it was to get back to Black and White crimefighting instead of trying to navigate a gray world where somebody, somewhere, is constantly finding a reason to criticize you when Gorilla Grimm begins talking.

Profile much, Nightwing? Am I off the hook for comparing a gorilla to a black person now that Tim Seeley has done it? Not that I did it at all! But I wrote something that suggested that if you were of a mind to read it that way, due to the gray world we live in and the penchant for finding offense wherever a person can to feel more righteous than the next person. Because I totally didn't mean the comparison! Just because I noticed that something I wrote could be read that way and then brought it out in the open to say that it wasn't meant that way doesn't mean I meant it that way! Also, I'm sure Tim Seeley didn't mean it that way either. I'm just trying to deflect the mob to somebody else!

I once made the accidental racism comment before in a Twat Lobo commentary that I noticed afterward and called myself out on. But not that it was accidentally racist, what I said. Just that it could have been seen that way! I reprint it here for good times:

Now I want to write a comic book called General Calamity and Wanton Violence. It would be set in the old west and be full of gore and good-intentioned racist microaggressions. You know the kind! Like when some white gunslinger has his ass saved by a Chinese fella and the gunslinger says, "You ain't so bad, fer a chinerman." And the Chinese Gunslinger smiles graciously while planning on whether he's going to piss or shit in the white gunslinger's stew later. You know! A fun comic book!

Oh shit! I just had an Asian-American Doll moment! I didn't mean for the comic book to sound like it was a white guy named General Calamity and a Chinese guy named "Wonton" Violence! Man, my cynicism almost failed me but I caught it just in time! Although, fuck me, it's a good idea! "So, you're name is Wonton Violence, hunh?" "No, it is 'Wanton' Violence,' you ignorant cocksucker!" Of course, Wanton Violence delivers his line over a smoking pistol and the corpse of the ignorant cocksucker.

I still believe that would make a good television series. Probably an independent series or somewhere like Netflix where the studio doesn't try to exert their control on every little bit of the production until they've turned it into something the broadest audience can like. And by "broadest" of course I mean "stupidest."

The Blüdhaven SWAT team take Gorilla Grimm off of Nightwing's hands because Gorilla Grimm is a suspect in a nearby murder. See, the murder victim was torn apart and had all their bones broken. Totally something a damn filthy ape would do, right?! But since Gorilla Grimm told Nightwing to his face he was innocent, Nightwing begins to suspect that maybe Blüdhaven might be a little gray after all! Like maybe they're cleaning up the city a little too enthusiastically to ensure tourists flock to their casinos. Like maybe Blüdhaven isn't so different from Gotham at all.

The SWAT Team doesn't arrest Nightwing in the way law enforcement likes to arrest superheroes but he does give Nightwing a firm slap on the wrist and a warning. I suppose if I arrived at one of the stores whose floor I clean and found a jerk in a costume doing the work for free, I might be a little bit annoyed too.

Gorilla Grimm tells Nightwing to talk to Shawn Tsang about how he didn't do it. Nightwing will probably do that but it's not like he can interfere with an arrest being made, even if he thinks the arrest is wrong. That's up to the courts to decide (even though they'll get it wrong too because our justice system is terrible and biased toward law enforcement because they need to keep them happy so that they'll work with them on real cases and not just the cases where the cops are all, "Put this bad person away because we said so or we're not helping you ever again, District Attorney"). If Nightwing were to interfere, he'd be no better than that criminal Tim Drake.

The Blüdhaven Tourism Board learns that Nightwing is working in Blüdhaven. Time to pay him to be the face of tourism! "Come to Blüdhaven for the hookers, blow, and casinos! Stay to catch a glimpse of Nightwing's ass!"

Nightwing heads back to talk to Shawn Tsang about Gorilla Grimm when he discovers that she's actually the supervillain known as Defacer. I don't know what her super power is. Spray painting? Anyway, it's just what Dick didn't want. He just got done trusting a villain who turned out to be an actual villain. Now he's falling right back into the same theme! Why can't people just be good and bad?! What is with all of this shit about good people doing bad things for good reasons or bad people doing good things but in terrible ways?! Knock it off and just be good or bad, stupid people of the world!

The Ranking!
No change. It's only a rating of No Change because Nightwing is ranked at #3 and I'm not yet ready to say it's better than The Flintstones. Maybe in some ways it is, depending on what you want out of a comic book. That's the problem having mainstream superhero titles on a ranking list that also includes modern versions of old Hanna-Barbera cartoons. But I really fucking enjoy everything about The Flintstones. Maybe if I were gay and I wanted to fuck Dick Grayson, this would be better than The Flintstones. But I'm not gay and I want to fuck Betty Rubble, so there you have it. Although, you should be reading this comic book! That's just a fact. I mean, it's an opinion but it's my opinion so it might as well be a fact.

Oh, I should also mention Marcus To's art is fantastic. I don't want him getting all butt-hurt again because of my intense hyperbolic criticisms that are simply meant to be funny in that way it's funny when an old person is shit on by society and they have no recourse but to scream and rant and bleed out of the eyes. So, you know, good work, Marcus! Now maybe your sycophantic followers won't harass me for criticizing your stupid Justice League International cover! I still stand by my assessment of the cover even if the inside art was so good you could wank to it!

The Multiversity Guidebook #1

Yay! I'll finally learn the number for Earth-Main-Earth!

This is going to be the best comic book ever! I bet it reminds me of the days when I was a kid and I'd pick up an almanac and flip to a random page to learn a little something new! For you younger kids, the almanac was basically an analog version of the internet with less porn.

Remember how in Thunderworld, all the Doctor Sivanas across all the universes realized that they all existed and decided to work together? Well, all of them except that one goody two-shoes one that fucked up by bringing the psychotic ones together anyway. Well, the best Doctor Sivana of them all, the one that killed all of the super heroes in his universe and was left nursing a raging hard-on to kill more, seems to have found a map and the guidebook to the other universes where he can satisfy his abhorrent lusts!

Doctor Hannibal Lecter Sivana is sick! Who finds joy in killing chibi heroes?!

This happens to be Earth-42 which I think I already would have known if I'd remembered the numbers to all the Earths that made cameos in Grant Morrison's run of Action Comics. Chibi Batman is saved by Mecha-Armor Batman who steps through a warp from his world. Chibi Batman reveals that he's actually Dick Grayson in order to calm down Mecha-Armor Batman who's totally freaked out by this cute little guy. It turns out Mecha-Armor Batman's version of Dick Grayson is dead and this meeting is going to cause his suit to fill up with Bat-tears.

Chibi Sivana and Hannibal Sivana enter one of those transmatter cubes that we first saw back in, again, Grant Morrison's run of Action Comics. They travel to their own version of the Orrery of Worlds, The Scientific Rock of Eternity. Other Doctor Sivanas have gathered in this ship within the Bleed to plan their takeover of the Multiverse. There is African-Multiversity Sivana and Count Sivana and Mistress Sivana and Hissivana and Robo-Sivana and monitors full of all the other Sivanas who couldn't bother to actually make the trip. Chibi Sivana doesn't last long and is eaten by Hissivana just before the Marvel Family flies in to attack, having found the Scientific Rock of Eternity due to Earth-5's Doctor Sivana and his great big failure of a plan, Sivanaday.

Georgia Sivana was more prettier! At least in the butt and bosom area! Mostly because she was showing so much of each of them!

Chibi Batman picks up Doctor Sivana's abandoned guidebook and realizes it's some kind of map of alternate worlds. He begins reading a story in it about Kamandi on Earth-51. Thanks, Chibi Batman! Now I have to read that story too! I suppose I can skip around if I wanted but that's like breaking the rules. And nobody wants to be a dirty rules breaker!

While Chibi Batman reads about Kamandi and his friends discovering an empty tomb of Darkseid, The New Gods watch Kamandi as well and discuss their take on what's going on. Highfather says that Darkseid is "rebuilding his godhead from shattered fragments" across the multiversity. So is Darkseid really involved or is this a case of Highfather just blaming what he knows?

Anyway, one of Kamandi's friends turns out to be an OMAC connected to Earth-51's Brother Eye. He tears through the rubble and they enter Darkseid's empty tomb to discover an ancient story etched on the walls.

Fucking Flash! Every fucking time!

The story continues following The Flash because as I've mentioned time and time again, all multiverse crises begin with that motherfucker. He's a blight to existence! So the multiverse began way back with A Tale of Two Flashes. This also began the idea which has been the basis for this series that every parallel reality becomes fictional material for every other reality. So Barry Allen took his name from the alter ego of comic book character Jay Garrick. And then he met him and realized everybody was a comic book character, somewhere in the multiverse.

But then the Crisis on Infinite Earths fixed everything in such a way that nothing was really fixed. Infinity Inc. couldn't figure out who their parents were. Donna Troy was all, "What the fuck?" Supergirl was all, "Come on! Why me?!" And the Charlton characters were all, "Whee! We exist! Love us!" Then Superboy punched stuff and Skeets birthed Mr. Mind and The Flash went back in time to save his mother and everything kept getting fucked and fucked and fucked again until the DC Universe lay sore and chafed, cum dribbling out of every orifice.

Well for me, it's the left hand.

Back on Earth-42, Chibi Batman turns to the page which is a map of the Multiverse. You've probably all seen it by now. It's over there on the internet if you haven't and you're curious. I'm just going to move on. But first one thought: I hope Grant Morrison does an issue about Limbo!

Chibi Batman and Mecha-Armor Batman get the Transmatter Cube back up and running. Now they just need to figure out how to travel to specific worlds by whistling the right note. So Chibi Batman does research by reading up on all of the cataloged Earths in the Multiversity Guidebook.

Earth-0: New Earth. Earth-Main-Earth. This is the Earth where super heroes don't wear underwear on the outside of their costumes and where most of The New 52 comic books take place.

Earth-1: The Prestige Format Earth. This is the Earth I've been ignoring, mostly because my comic book store didn't reserve a copy of Batman Earth-1 for me when it came out. And nothing describes me better than "giving up immediately when things don't work out." I should probably pick up all the Earth-1 books at some point.

Earth-2: Kiss my ass Earth. Soon to be wiped out Earth. This is the Earth that brought us the most boring weekly series ever imagined, World's End. I can't wait until it blows the fuck up!

Earth-3: The Earth of the Crime Syndicate where everything is backwards. But not backwards in the way that Bizarro World is backwards! In this world, bad is good and good is bad. Although bad is still bad somehow. And East is West and West is East but North isn't South and South isn't North, for some reason.

Earth-4: The Charlton Universe. Home of Watchmen-lite, the characters that inspired the Watchmen and, in time, were inspired by the Watchmen. It's kind of confusing. Blue Beetle lives here so it's probably a kind of dumb universe.

Earth-5: The home of Georgia Sivana, super sexy Science Marvel. Some other little known heroes exist here as well or something. It's a place called Thunderworld and is home to the most boring version of Doctor Sivana.

Earth-6: Some Earth where Batman is a bat and Aquaman is a Despero-looking monster. Maybe. That might actually be Despero! Green Lantern gets his powers from Yggdrasil so he probably lives in a house with a five and a half minute hallway. Main villain: Reverend Darrk! With two "r"s!

Earth-7: A parody of Earth-8 which is a parody of the Marvel Universe. This world was destroyed by the Gentry and only Thunderer, an aboriginal version of Thor, survived.

Earth-8! 'nuff said!

Earth-9: This is the best Earth so far because The Joker is "an anarchist prankster on the side of freedom." Wait, how is that different from Earth-0?

Earth-10: The universe where Uncle Sam and his Freedom Fighters fight against the villainy of the Third Reich. DC seemed to want to add these guys to The New 52, I guess, as they released The Ray miniseries (which I own but never read) and the Freedom Fighter miniseries which I never bought and never read! So thanks for exposing more areas where I'm completely ignorant, jerko guidebook.

Earth-11: This is gender bent Earth where all the heroes who once had "woman" or "girl" in their name now have "man" or "boy" in their name, and all the heroes who had "man" or "boy" in their name now have "woman" or "girl" in their name! This Earth is much better than Earth-0 because it has a lot more opportunities for Boob-Butt Showcases!

Earth-12: The clock on Earth-12 is sped up a bit so while most other Earths run about parallel with Earth-33's timeline, this Earth takes place in the future. Or something. Anyway, it's the home of Terry McBatman and his future friends.

Earth-13. Okay, this is the best Earth so far! And probably won't be beat because Superdemon!

Earth-14: Unknown. Set aside for strange Monitor sexual experiments, probably.

Earth-15: This universe was destroyed by Superboy Prime, the Superboy of our Earth (and by "our," I mean you and me, readers!). If you think a Superboy of our Earth only exists because Grant Morrison does lots of silly stuff, you'd be wrong. He just remembers lots of silly stuff like how in DC Comics Presents #87, there was a Superboy of our Earth! Let me dig it up for you!

See?! It's kind of hard to tell but one of those Earth's is Earth Prime!

Here are some scenes from Superman's adventure on Earth-33!

Really? Bobby Kennedy? Such a white person's choice!


No! Not Pete Moss! Outrageous!

See? Even more evidence of real super heroes being comic book characters in other realities.

Um, anyway, all that is left of Earth-15 is a broken old Green Lantern Battery, known as the Cosmic Grail, lost somewhere in the Multiverse.

Earth-16: This is the home of the legacy heroes, The Just. It's often referred to as Earth-Me because crime doesn't exist and young people are such self-absorbed narcissists, amirite? I mean, is Grant Morrison right? I don't think he is! Young people are just old people who have yet to realize that they've wasted their best years.

Earth-17: This is where Mecha-Armor Batman is from. He's one of the Atomic Knights who are searching for the Cosmic Grail which they plan to use against Darkseid. Why Darkseid would be interested in a planet ravaged by nuclear war, I have no idea.

Earth-18: Wild West Earth! This Earth's technology was frozen in time so now heroes like Bat-lash and Madame .44 and Cinnamon have to view their porn through typed out ASCII pictures sent via telegraph.

Earth-19: Steampunk World. For some reason, everybody looks like they covered themselves in glue and fell in a crate full of gears from old pocket watches and random pieces of tubing.

Earth-20: The home of the Society of Super-Heroes. We saw it earlier in one of the Multiversity funny books. The Green Lantern of this world, Abin Sur, wound up in the Orrery of Worlds to help fight against the Gentry.

Earth-21: Darwyn Cooke World. This is the happy go-lucky world that was seen on all of the variant covers in December. Possibly the happiest world in the Multiversity.

Earth-22: Kingdom Come World. You've probably read about this world. It was painted beautifully by Alex Ross.

Earth-23: This is the Earth where all the super-heroes except Batman are black. Superman is also president of the United States of America. Bruce Wayne probably spends his days gentrifying white neighborhoods. I bet he's a Gentry sympathizer!

Earth-24: Unknown World. Probably the Monitor's septic tank.

Earth-25: Unknown World. Probably where the Monitor's stash their porn.

Earth-26: The Zoo Crew World. The only Zoo Crew book I ever owned (and still own because who stops owning comic books they once bought? Pshaw!) was the Great Oz/Wonderland War! After reading that, I never wanted to hear another pun ever again.

Earth-27: Unknown World. Probably where comic book creators that have appeared in their own comic books live.

Earth-28: Unknown World. Probably a world where nothing is known.

Earth-29. Another one of the best Earths.

Earth-30: The world of Communist Superman where TV watches...no. Stop.

Earth-31: Waterworld. Everybody is a pirate! Ahoy!

Earth-32: This is the Amalgam universe without the Marvel heroes. So the DC heroes just had to mashup with other DC heroes. Sorry, no Lobo the Duck on this Earth.

Earth-33: This is Earth Prime where the histories of all the other Earths are printed as comic books. Unless it's the other way around and all comic books printed on Earth-33 become real, tangible worlds in the Orrery. This world has one superhero: Ultra Comics! Hey! He's the guy that's on the cover of that comic book that's been corrupting the youth!

Earth-34: The heroes of this earth formed a team called The Light Brigade. Their leader is Savior from the ancient civilization of Mu. Their version of Superman (Goodfellow, I'm guessing) looks like he stepped off the sound stage of Hee Haw.

Earth-35: This Earth is described as a "pseudoverse" that was constructed by the Monitors. It's team is called the Super-Americans. Isn't that what every normal American calls themselves anyway?

Earth-36: This is where Justice 9 lives. Red Racer has traveled from this Earth to the Hall of Heroes to help battle the Gentry. This Earth was last seen in Grant Morrison's Action Comics run.

Earth-37. Um. There is, um, this Earth.

Earth-38: The Golden Age Heroes. The world is not trapped in the Golden Age though! It's just that this is where the original Superman and Batman appeared to eventually be replaced by their offspring and proteges.

Earth-39: The home planet of the Agents of W.O.N.D.E.R. I don't know what that stands for. Wholly Original Negative Destroying Earnest Rescuers? Some guy named Happy DaVinci designed all of their technology, so is it really any wonder that the technology is addictive?

Earth-40: The home of Vandal Savage, Worlds Conqueror! Also some other villains. But how many more do you need when you've already got Vandal Savage? Stop being so greedy!

Earth-41: Dino-Cop came from this world. He's also in the Hall of Heroes ready to go to battle against The Gentry.

Earth-42: The Chibi Heroes live here so Chibi Batman is currently reading about himself. And what he finds out is that his world "hides a great and terrible secret." Oh no! This world was also seen in Morrison's run of Action Comics.

Earth-43: Vampires. Lots and lots of super vampires. They're not the sexy ones that all the young kids are fucking in love with nowadays. So gross. These are the Salem's Lot monsters that will bite your face off instead of sending you a wishy-washy love note full of ambivalence and insecurity.

Earth-44: The heroes of this world are a combination of The Metal Men and the Justice League, built by the genius Will Tornado! Lead Green Arrow is fat.

Earth-45: This is where SuperDoomsday was created and sent through one of Lex Luthor's Transmatter Cubes to wreak havoc on various other Earths. The story took place in Morrison's Action Comics and was the first story of The New 52 to really explore the other universes in the Multiverse.

Earth-46: Unknown World. Probably a world where they keep all of the extra question marks.

Earth-47: The world of Prez, teen president! This is also the world where Brother Power, the Geek, resides. Although Brother Power did make a cameo in The Green Team as an object purchased by whichever one of the rich kids was into buying super hero paraphernalia on auction sites.

Earth-48: The Earth of the Forerunners, creatures bred to be protectors of the Multiverse. This is the home world of Lady Quark who had a high profile role in Crisis on Infinite Earths, even if I never could figure out what she was supposed to be doing.

Earth-49: Unknown World. Probably the world where the Monitors went to live after faking their own deaths.

Earth-50: The Justice Lords rule here, a fascist version of Earth-0's Justice League.

Earth-51. The last Earth featuring the last boy on Earth!

Whew! That's all the Earths! And now back to our regularly scheduled program!

Nix Uotan shows up on Earth-51 to release Darkseid from his tomb to cause chaos while The Gentry continues to gentrify planet after planet in the name of the empty, grasping, greedy hand.

Chibi Batman escapes to Earth-17 and is confronted by Adam Strange and his Atomic Knights. Mecha-Armor Batman remains behind on Earth-42 to give Chibi Batman time to escape. And maybe, just maybe, he'll discover Earth-42's terrible secret. Or maybe he'll wind up in the House of Heroes as it comes under attack by one of The Gentry!

The secret winds up being that the Chibi Heroes are machines and they're servants of The Empty Hand! Oh noes! And that's, um, the end! Next time on Multiversity: The Freedom Fighters!

Earth 2 #27

The tombstone should read "Husband/Father/Hero." Of course Bruce was somebody's son! The grave should at least acknowledge Selina!

This issue begins like it's trying to be Worlds' Finest because Worlds' Finest has been co-opted by Batman and Superman because DC needs more books starring those idiots. And since Earth 2 spent this week in a double sized issue of World's End, it seems like Worlds' Finest starring The Huntress and Power Girl might as well take over this comic book this month. It works for me!

For a few pages, we get to see some flashbacks to Kara and Helena's past. It feels like a Sailor Moon movie. Except instead of Tuxedo Mask giving the little, lost alien boy a flower, Kara gives the little, lost alien boy an action figure. And instead of everybody remembering how Usagi treated them kindly, Thomas Wayne hangs a mugger from a street light, Spider-man-style. But it's all the same kind of feels, anyway. Hel and Kara love each other. Replacement Grandfather protects his granddaughter. Val-el makes a best friend for life when Kara lies to him and tells him that her parents are dead. Unless they did die while Krypton was still healthy! I guess Krypton-2 had a different history than the Regular Old Krypton. Why wouldn't it when Earth-2's history is so different? Like Thomas Wayne still being alive!

She was never alone in this world! As soon as her dad died, she switched worlds!

Replacement Batman confides in Helena immediately that he uses Earth-2 Viagra to be a decent Batman. He only tells her because, being a Bat-child and thus very observant, she noticed how he "wilted" after the fight. Maybe Replacement Batman needs a tighter set of drawers.

Power Girl and Val-el and Replacement Batman and The Huntress and Tornado Lane find themselves battling some creatures from Apokolips that seem to have been made up just for this bullshit issue of Earth-2. Yes, I'm calling it bullshit now because I took a break and now I'm in a bad mood. A foul mood! A horrendous mood! No wait! An horrendous mood! I forgot to be pretentious!

Okay, so I really don't know a lot about Apokolips and The Fourth World and The New Gods, so maybe these are standard Apokoliptian devil spawn! The only thing I really know about Darkseid is that if you shine a light in his head, his eyes glow simulating his Omega Beams! The only thing I know about Steppenwolf is that he came with an electro-axe connected to a backpack by a string which made him the best figure to use when playing Hot Lava with them in my grandparent's enormous backyard.

Power Girl and her Preschool kissy-baby lover-boy, Val-el, fly around the CERN atom smasher a few times and then slam into each other. They create a new particle called "BRAKATHOOMM." Also, Power Girl is probably now pregnant. The blast destroys all of the Apokoliptian Devil Spawn being that it was equivalent to the explosion of a neutron bomb.

But it stays in the tunnel thanks to Replacement Batman's quick thinking! And his Earth-2 Viagra!

And everybody lived happily ever after! Or would have if they hadn't all signed on to be a part of a comic book called "World's End." Idiots.

Earth 2 #27 Rating: No change. The plot of this issue was stupid because it was really about something other than smashing Apokoliptian Devil Spawn. It had something to do with abstract ideas that I just don't understand. Like family and friendship and love. What's so important about fictional ideas like those? I just want to see two women kiss! I suppose if Hollywood could find two guys that could actually make kissing look sexy, I'd watch two guys kiss as well. Women really enjoy kissing! So two women kissing is sexy! But guys are always distracted when they kiss. You can tell they're already thinking about where their penis is going to go while they kiss. Thus, crappy kissing! I think Val-el and Power Girl having sex in a super collider got me all distracted!

Superboy #23

Oh fuck me. Two Superboys? I'm beginning to think I spent my twenties incorrectly and I really should have overdosed on Psilocybin.

Look at these idiots. Superboy can't throw a punch but it doesn't matter since Superboy also can't block a punch! I'm also fairly certain, with my intense knowledge of real world physics, that heat vision would not block heat vision. It's not like two trains barreling down the same track and smashing head-on into each other. Unless it is. I wonder if two Superboys staring into each other's eyes and blasting out some X-rays would be like a super collider? Also, how does Superboy's vision powers work? It's not like eyes emit anything! They just accept light into them. What's going in in the Kyrptonian physiology that's allowing for their eyeballs to blast out heat and x-rays and small, furry mammals? That's a power, right? Superman's Gerbil Vision? I'm pretty sure it's canon except Supes is just too embarrassed to use it.

The Kryptonians must have a special organ located behind the eyes that allows for emitting shit from them. But if that's so (and it has to be! I've watched enough House and Trapper John, M.D., and Doogie Howser to know all about biology and medicine!), why don't Kryptonians have these special eyeball powers on Krypton? Wouldn't Superboy be blind every time he was blasting shit out of his eyes? I suppose with his x-ray vision, he's not emitting any particles but somehow simply seeing on the ass end of the light spectrum. But somebody's going to have to explain to me how this Heat Vision works. I don't need an explanation of his Gerbil Vision because I can simply accept powers that I fucking love to death.

Last issue, Superboy was getting attacked by monsters. And by monsters, I mean high school students. And by high school students, I mean monsters that actually turned into physical monsters. I think this was an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Or maybe three different episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Possibly the entire first three seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

This issue begins with bestiality!

Pretty soon, Superboy learns the most painful truth of high school: he was the true monster all along.

Also the girl that was invisible to everybody. She was the mostest biggerester monster of them all!

The lesson so far is that if you don't play high school politics, or you can't fit into a social clique, or you've never been good at making friends and spend most of your time in isolation, you're fucking up the high school experience for everybody else! Nobody wants to see you wandering down the hall with your binder pressed to your bosom and your eyes cast down on the floor, hurrying from class to class just trying not to be noticed. They don't want to be reminded of how they all feel on the inside by your total lack of ability to hide your insecurities and flaws. Stop bringing everybody else down, you monster! Smile! Make friends! Join a club! Run for Student Body! Just stop being picked on and bullied because nobody likes you, you monster!

Go get that fucking bitch, Superboy!

Does Krypto have "supersniffer" powers? How the fuck do you think he got to Earth? He followed Superman's crotch molecules from Krypton to Earth by way of The Phantom Zone! If he can't find this High School Monster immediately, I'm going to write Justin Jordan a strongly worded email about how he doesn't know shit about The New 52 Continuity and he's fucking up everything by not understanding Krypto's power levels!

I wonder who would win in a fight? Krypto or The Incredible Hulk? I should send that one in to Fantasy Face-Off!

Have I mentioned that the movie Face-Off is only one of two movies I've ever fallen asleep during in a theater? That's one fucking confusing movie to wake up in the middle of!

Krypto tracks down the Mousy Brown-Eyed Monster in just one page! Good thing because I really didn't want to have to lambast Justin Jordan after he had to work closely with Scott Lobdell for a couple of months. He's already had the worst year imaginable, I imagine! Justin Jordan also decides to make the "Superbark" canon. Now if he'd only make the Super Dogfart Canon, he'd be my hero for the amount of time before I completely forget that he was my hero.

Actually, I'm pretty sure lack of thumbs is absolutely an excuse not to be able to open a door.

California used to have billboards which read, "She said she's eighteen is no excuse." Actually, it kind of is, isn't it? I actually know someone that has had his life fucked in pretty amazing ways due to statutory rape laws. He's been labeled a sex offender for dating a seventeen year old woman online and then meeting her and having sex with her. I don't know whether he knew how old she was or not, and if he did, well, he should have known better. But the system also should know better and deal with these things case by case. He is now a sex offender. Exactly the same as child molesters and rapists. Even though he had sex with a consenting "adult". I understand why statutory rape laws exist. Because adults can and do corrupt and manipulate youths. But the age of consent is such a fabricated boundary that there are apt to be cases that blur the law's belief that these things are black and white. The woman's parents pressed charges against him, just as they'd pressed charges against two other men previously. And I believe he did jail time and mandatory therapy where he was treated as if he had to deal with his urges to have sex with children. Which he doesn't have. But, you know, sex offender!

Believe it or not, law, sometimes adults (especially nerdy, overweight, socially incompetent adults) can be manipulated by people half their age. But then this is just one example of why I can't stand the American Justice System. Because it has never been, and will never be, about justice. The majority of it is just about producing a false sense of security so that the middle class can feel that their HDTVs are safe from crackheads.

Let's get back to the "That's no excuse!" thing! I fucking can't stand when people say that and I would nearly lose my mind when I heard teachers using it in junior high and high school. "I don't want excuses." "That's not a reason; it's an excuse." "NO EXCUSES!" What they were all basically saying was, "I don't believe life happens to anybody so you'd better just get your shit together no matter what and do whatever the fuck it is I wanted you to do." Because even if you had a reason for being late or not turning in an assignment or dripping blood all over the floor from the knife wound in your side, they were never reasons to teachers! They were always excuses! Like everybody was just trying to get one over on them all the time and they weren't going to be fucking fooled by these asshole kids! I wish I could yell so loudly that it would time travel and blast every fucking teacher who ever said that to me right in the fucking face. I'm going to try. Here it goes! "FFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK YYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU!"

I hope it worked! I'll probably have to apologize to all the neighbors tomorrow.

Back to Krypto crashing through the door, he comes flying back out through the wall on the next page. Because the Mousy Monster of McDuffie High has turned into Superboy #1!

Or something. I really don't know where this Superboy came from or why he's here or what he has to do with this High School. Maybe he was also undercover doing some detective work!

Superboy and Superboy end up by Little Miss Individualistic keeping watch over knocked out Doctor Psycho (who is surprisingly not very psycho). Bad Boy Superboy threatens her and that's when Superboy makes that realization I realized he was going to make earlier about how he's the True Monster. He's actually the only Superboy in the room, so now he has to stop punching things and begin thinking about things. Where did the Mousy Monster go? How is she involved in this? How is he going to get to second base with Eliza?

And by finally taking a moment to Instagram the entire mess so he can post it on Facebook with a caption of "WTF? LOL!", he figures out who is behind all of the hallucinations he's been having which have caused him to act like a monster. And it's not little invisible nobody at school likes me Shift. I mean, it's partially her. She's the person I think Superboy is supposed to find and help before H.I.V.E. could get her. No, the person behind even her is a guy I'm actually really happy to see!

At least his New 52 outfit is a better upgrade than Brother Blood's.

Superboy #23 Rating: +3 Ranking. Why is Superboy fighting everybody with "psycho" in their names? Why is he dealing with all of the psionics? I'm starting to believe this comic book is entering Steppenwolf territory. Did Superboy wander into a magic theater at some point? Is all of this just a journey through his inner psyche to learn who he actually is? That would actually be pretty fucking cool but I have a feeling it's all going to fall apart because Justin Jordan has walked off this title.

Looking up reasons for his departure, I stumbled upon an interview with him when he first took on the title.

Newsarama: Justin, I'm going to ask for some specifics right up front, because you've been telling people (including me a few months ago) that you're taking the Superboy book in a new direction. We saw the first issue, which was pretty action-packed. But as you move forward with this storyline, what does "new direction" mean?

Justin Jordan: Less Harvest and H’El for one thing. [Laughs.]

Ha ha ha! I see you winking at us all with that comment, Justin! I see what that wink means. It says, "Scott Lobdell writes the shittiest shit in a town that decided against naming itself Shitsville because they didn't want to frighten away the tourists." You the man, Justin!