Red Hood and the Outlaws #40

This issue had better not end with a "To be continued in the stupid annual!"

Good riddance, losers! This is the part where the boring assholes sing "Hey hey hey! Goodbye!" And then they high-five each other in celebration of doing the most trite and boring thing they could have done out of all things in the entire world! And this is me doing the same thing but pretending it's being done by a couple of fictional dickspasms!

The issue begins with Helspont sneaking up on Red Hood and the Outlaws because Roy said, "It can't get any worse!" So unless Scott Lobdell forgets he ended last issue with that line, somebody is going to berate Roy for his choice of words.

Hmm, I guess Lobdell forgot to finish his joke. But that's no surprise! He often forgets how he ended his scripts the month before. Reading trade paperbacks of his stories must be nearly incomprehensible.

Anyway, the Outlaws defeat Helspont in four pages or something.

I hope the rest of the comic book is just advertisements for army men, sea monkeys, and Grit.

Darn it. They didn't really defeat Helspont that easily. Shucks! He comes back at them with a counterattack while proving that English is just his second language.

Perhaps "presume" is the word you're looking for?

Rose Wilson throws two swords into Helspont's chest and everybody is shocked when they barely faze him. I mean, it's understandable that he survived gun shots and the explosive arrow to the chest and Starfire's sun bolts. But swords? Come on! This is one tough son of a bitch!

Blackfire shows up and is all, "Surprise to nobody! I'm with Helspont! Tee hee!" Rose Wilson is all, "I see you're the prudish sister, Starfire!" And Starfire is all, "Take that back! I guzzle cum way better than Blackfire!" And Roy is all, "Totally!" And Starfire is all, "How do you know how much cum my sister can guzzle?!" And Roy is all, "Whoops!"

"Tee hee! Your general is in blow job position, sir!"

Helspont's army of Citadel warriors take control of the situation. Too bad they've been written to have a single, fatal flaw! Crux, having researched every alien in the universe somehow while living on Earth, knows that every soldier of the Citadel's brain is wired directly to their armor which is wired directly to every other piece of armor which are all wired directly to a three meter hole big enough to bullseye a womp rat! Whew! I was afraid Scott Lobdell was going to create an unbeatable army!

Blackfire actually loves Starfire so she blasts Helspont in his junk instead of killing her sister's friends. The Citadel soldiers stand around thinking, "Should we do something or just wait around for Crux to shut us down?" Blackfire gets thrown hundreds of miles away by Helspont as he nurses his blasted testicles which might now be oozing pus and madness. Then Jason Todd shoots the kneecaps out of the one Citadel soldier standing nearby so that Crux can play Angry Birds while sitting on top of him. Todd grabs the big gun of the Citadel soldier and starts blasting Helspont in the face with it. Helspont falls over thinking, "What the fuck happened to me? I used to be a powerful bad ass! But now I keep getting beat by arrogant bastards who hide behind guns and red masks! Fuck you Grifter and Red Hood! I will have my revenge!"

In the space of just two minutes, Rose Wilson has racked up one-third of the kills her father has scored in his entire life (according to his own comic book (but prior to his killing three hundred of Odysseus's blind henchmen)!).

Arsenal manages to kill one soldier. I guess that's pretty good for a guy with a bow. Plus, he must have been busy building the monstrous spider gun he uses to blow the ultimate omnifuck out of Helspont. All that's left of Helspont is his arm so I'm going to say he's really and truly dead now. No way he can ever come back from that. Nope! As dead as a door nail named Ted Kord!

Although Ted Kord is really and truly back in Justice League 3000 so I guess I can't use that comparison anymore.

After the battle, Starfire heads home to Tamawhatever with Crux piloting the ship and her sister trying not to die in sick bay. Arsenal is all, "Well, it was fun!" And Starfire is all, "Yeah! We'll probably never see each other again because Scott Lobdell is still going to be writing your comic book and DC Comics probably knows better than to let him write me ever again!" And Roy is all, "I know, right?!" And Jason Todd is all, "We were OUTLAWS!" And everybody is all, "What the fuck does that mean?"

The end!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #40 Rating: No change. Hey hey hey! Goodbye! *HIGH-FIVES EVERYBODY!*

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39

How does Starfire's top even work? How does it stay in place? Super glue?

I don't really get Writer's Block so much as Turning Whatever Word or Phrase Pops Into My Head Into A Version of The Spider-Man Cartoon Theme Song Block. So I'll begin a commentary and just start typing something "Writer's Block! Writer's Block! Does whatever a Writer's Block does! Turns your stories into shite then makes you write about what to write! Look out! Here comes the Writer's Block!" Since I wanted to be Spider-Man back when I was a little tyke, I'm willing to guess about fifteen percent of my life has been me turning things into the Spider-man song. Possibly the only time I've ever felt a connection to Homer Simpson was when he sang the Spider-Pig song. Aside from his desire to fuck doughnuts, of course.

If you've been reading my commentaries for some length of time (masochists!), you'll have encountered a few of my versions of the theme song. Mostly I'm able to keep them bottled up. Nobody wants to read a new version of the Spider-Man cartoon theme song two or three times a day.

It's also difficult to say you have Writer's Block when you're just typing up snarky comments about the comic book you're currently reading. I definitely run the gamut concerning my desire to be writing about a comic book. So sometimes you'll get a half-assed synopsis of Batman and Superman's trip to Kandor because I'd rather be playing Magic the Gathering on the Xbox while other times you'll get a lovingly worded and fondly written Batgirl diary entry crafted across two to three hours. Sometimes the reviews are a labor and sometimes they're a labor of love. Sometimes I just need to get another comic book off the stack, and other times I'm thoroughly invested in the story and excited by the characters.

Mostly though, I'm just avoiding thinking about death.

Believe it or not, that last sentence was a joke! I like to keep the mood of my commentaries light and whimsical with just a hint of rotting in the grave!

Oh shit! I distracted myself so well with the previous Spider-Man bit that I forgot I was about to read a Scott Lobdell comic book until I picked it up and opened it to this:

Not quite Lobdelled in my traditional definition of "Lobdelling a comic book," but close enough for my tastes.

I wonder if Jason Todd knows that Batman once had to wage the same battle against Venom? Way back before Bane was even a sperm clot in Chuck Dixon and Doug Moench's throats. Apparently that story was by Denny O'Neil (the creator of Venom (the drug, not the alien symbiote!)). I guess Replacement Batman's use of Venom over in World's End is a callback to that story. Although it hadn't occurred to me before this because Replacement Batman had been using Miraclo in Earth-2 and only switched over to Venom while in World's End. I guess because Val-el or Power Girl or The Huntress or somebody destroyed his supply of Miraclo because it was an addictive drug. But then nobody seemed to give a shit when he upped his prescription to Venom.

Now Jason Todd had to struggle with using Venom because why wouldn't he use a drug to enhance his normal capabilities? I mean, he's a teenager, right? And Scott Lobdell knows all about the lives of teenagers! That's why Red Hood, Arsenal, and Starfire's lives are filled with relationship drama and battles against illicit substances and bitter resentment towards adults.

Also, teenagers love to parody misquotes from movies nearly seventy years old.

Granted, that near quote of the line from The Treasure of the Sierra Madre has just become one of those quotes that has a full and vibrant life outside of its original source. So I'm sure if you ask Roy where the quote is from, he'll say he heard it from some modern movie or television show.

Fun Fact: I never knew where the abridged version of the quote was from until just now when I asked Lord Google about the quote so I could find a list of modern movies and television shows where it's appeared. Princess Wikipedia states that the more popular, shortened version of the line comes from The Monkees. So when I was a kid watching that show in syndication (I can still hear Mickey Dolenz saying it!), I may have learned the line from there and, like Roy here, gone around quoting it without realizing it was from a thirty plus year old movie. So I guess teenagers do love to parody quotes from ancient sources! They just probably think that the quote comes from whatever source they heard it from first and then argue with anybody who tells them differently. I know I would have!

Princess Wikipedia also has this to say about the line: "In a 1983 episode of TV series Wizards and Warriors, the character Marko (played by Walter Olkewicz) delivers a spoof of the line as 'Badgers? We don't need no stinkin' badgers'." I loved that show as a swords and sorcery, Dungeons and Dragons, mythology obsessed twelve year old! I know, I was totally not like any other twelve year old, right?! Princess Wikipedia says she needs a citation for that quote. I should get her the citation since I have that series burned to DVD! I'll find the scene where Jacques Renault says it! But later. I'm busy reading another fantastic Scott Lobdell comic book right now.

What does that mean?! Is that a compliment? "I don't need an illicit substance that will eventually consume my every waking thought and send my life spiraling out of control. I've got you!"

Meanwhile in the jungle, Blackfire and Starfire have a normal sisterly interaction.

Blackfire: "I'm so glad I traveled across the universe and found you tied to a tree so I can kill you!"
Starfire: "What? No! Don't!"
Blackfire: "I am so excited to get to kill you after whatever it is you did recently to make me mad at you again even though I thought we were getting along and shit."
Starfire: "Why am I not dead yet?"
Blackfire: "God, if I wasn't able to kill you myself, I don't know what I'd do! It's like the only thing that's been keeping me going for like the last ten hours or something."
Starfire: "Um, you don't really want to kill me, do you?"
Blackfire: "I'm just savoring the moment! It's not like you're going to be rescued way out here in the middle of this jungle! I have time to enjoy the arousal brought on by a job well done nearly completed!"
Starfire: "Um, hey, weren't you busy being a Queen or something?"
Blackfire: "Oh yeah! That's a long story that I probably have time to tell and then still kill you after! Let me tell it to you!"
Starfire: "What's that sound?"
Blackfire: "Oh! Get down even lower than you already are lying on the ground in chains! It is a patrol of Citadel monsters that I am running from and why I have come to get help from you!"
Starfire: "Wait. What? Is fucking Helspont behind the way you're acting?"

I guess Blackfire has to keep up the appearance that she wants Starfire dead because she's being observed by Helspont but his ability to observe her only works occasionally which allows Blackfire to tell Starfire why she really sought her out after claiming to want to kill her? Or Scott Lobdell is doing that thing where one comic book ends one way and then he begins the next one another way because he either can't remember where he meant for the story to go or he just thought up a new plot point that works better than the vague, bullshit he'd been planning earlier?

Manufactured indignation! Faux outrage! Increased drama! Characterization!

Immediately after this, Crux's ship is hit by a missile and blows up. I guess the monkeys in this jungle have some serious feces throwing technology. Crux manages to pull Roy Harper from the explosion but not Red Hood, so I guess he's dead. Crux also gets shot while flying Roy to safety, so I guess he's dead too.

If you're one of those people who refuse to look at the cover of their comic books to avoid spoilers, you'd be surprised to find that Rose Wilson is the one behind the attack. She's trying to kill the Red Hood which completely explains why she's in this jungle waiting for him.

Jason Todd and Rose Wilson's initial conversation goes like this:

Jason Todd: "Hey, Rose. Love that mask."
Rose Wilson: "Yeah. I'd considered a heart tattoo that said 'Jason' with an axe hacking it in two."

I know I usually make up those dialogues but that was the actual dialogue this time. It was split up across two pages so scanning it was a problem. But it's such a horrible interaction that I thought it needed to be documented here in this Anti-Lobdell safe-zone. So Rose's response to her mask is to tell Jason that he broke her heart and that she figured a mask was better than a horrible face tattoo. I suppose that's what passes for snarky, hilarious banter in a Scott Lobdell comic book. Also, Rose and Jason were an item?

Whether it's Superboy and Wonder Girl, Cheshire and Arsenal, or Rose Wilson and Jason Todd, apparently Scott Lobdell is incapable of writing a fight scene between a male and a female without making them flirt awkwardly. "Oh! Oh! I want to kill you! Or fuck you!" "Eww, you make me so angry! But you're so cute!" "It's too bad I have to cut your dick off instead of putting it inside of me!"

Meanwhile, Blackfire takes off some of her clothes which seems almost impossible for her to still be wearing anything after stating she took off some clothes. I guess she needed to compete with her sister's male gaze. Half of the ink now being used on the Starfire/Blackfire scenes is orange and is being used on boobies.

Starfire and Blackfire bond and not a word is said about how Blackfire threatened to kill her. I guess that was just the kind of hyperbole a sister uses when she finds her sibling tied to a tree in a jungle whacked out on Space Crank. Blackfire tells Starfire to take it easy while she heads out to run an errand.

"Just let me put even less clothing on than I'm currently wearing first. Be back in a jiff!"

Double meanwhile, Rose Wilson joins up with Red Hood, Arsenal, and Crux for some reason. It's not like she just tried to murder them and then hunted around the wreckage hoping to find gory evidence of that murder or anything. She was just teasing! Also, her job wasn't to kill Jason Todd as we saw in a previous panel. They're just a distraction. Her real job must involve killing Tamaraneans! Or Citadelians? Or monkeys?

Turns out Rose is definitely hunting Starfire (again, only a surprise to the people that got the Harley Quinn variant cover) because Starfire has made a lot of enemies buying drugs from them recently.

Wrong. Your conversation about how long the fight would last was three seconds. I hate to side with Jason Todd but you're wrong, Roy Harper. Although I do love to side against Roy Harper!

I know for an artist it's always more visibly stimulating to have two antagonists rush each other with fists cocked. But Rose has a sword which she's deadly with so why didn't she pull it out? And Starfire shoots bolts of energy so why didn't she just remain hovering out of Rose's reach while burning her face off? I think these two women just wanted to touch. And they probably did it for the males watching!

Much quicker than usual, everybody realizes they're basically on the same side and nobody is using drugs anymore. That's because the trend at DC Comics is for happy and whimsical with less grim and gritty angst. Now instead of everybody battling their inner demons, it's time to battle the outer demons congregating in the jungle making Space Crank! I wonder if Blackfire is behind it all, the traitorous wench!

Oh yeah. And Helspont. Blackfire and Helspont are behind it all!

It's not overly done or anything to have a character say that it can't get any worse. And I bet it won't feel overdone next month when Jason Hood says to Roy, "You just had to say it couldn't get any worse, didn't you?"

Red Hood and the Outlaws #39 Rating: No change. This issue was just as poorly done as I expect it to be but at least it's coherent. Kind of. I mean, the whole Blackfire/Starfire exchange was weird. And that part where Rose blows up Red Hood's ship and tries to kill him even though she loves him was odd. And the fact that they all decide to work together didn't make much sense. And a lot of the dialogue was terrible. And the weird about-face Lobdell decided to do with his drug plots was enjoyably amateurish. Although the Helspont reveal on the last page was original and well written! No? Hmm, maybe this wasn't as coherent or as well put together as I'd thought. Oh well!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #38

Yay! We've all been waiting for the return of Crux, xenophobe that turned himself into a xeno!

Maybe I'll like Red Hood and the Outlaws better if I treat it like a sitcom. I'll just pretend that the world resets every month and then when Lobdell changes things from issue to issue to fit his new version of the story, I won't have an aneurysm!

The issue begins with Crux in Arkham Asylum. He's being treated by a man in a wheelchair with his finger glued to his bald head. It looks like he's thinking really hard about how he's going to help his new patient get over his hatred of aliens! He also looks like he might be using his Charles Xavier mental powers that he probably has since Scotty loves repurposing X-men stuff in his DC Comics. The orderlies even call him "Professor!" Like in Professor Charles Xavier! Although this professor has a goatee making him a totally different character. Oh, and he's got brown skin instead of Charles "never been in the sun" hue.

Surprise! The Professor is actually Jason Todd! Crux realized who he was when he smelled Todd's fart.

Crux tells Red Hood that he's going to kill him but Red Hood tells Crux a joke. Then Crux tries to bite Red Hood while Red Hood is holding two guns in his hand. Luckily one of his guns instantly transforms into a knife so he can stab Crux in the tongue! I bet that's one of those new Wayne Enterprises Gun-to-Knife prototypes. Red Hood is almost killed when he nearly lands on a spiked iron fence but Crux saves him because of that thing where the bad guy always wants to torture the good guy for as long as possible before killing him. That always works out well!

Well, I guess that's why he saved him! He loooooooooves him!

Way back in Issue #5 (or something) when the Outlaws defeated Crux, I was sort of worried that he'd join the team because he was an awful character. But now I hope he's going to join the team because he's an awful character and fits right in! It just took me longer to realize that Jason Todd, Roy Harper, and Starfire were all awful characters as well. I was still under the assumption that they were interesting due to their Preboot incarnations. Who knew the New 52 mandate was to make them all so unlikable?!

Crux spent his time in the Asylum changing shape and walking around acting condescending to the other inmates in order to help them get better. Then he'd pretend to be a raving, psychotic dragon during the day so that he could remain in Arkham because he so enjoyed wandering about at night being a condescending, self-righteous asshole to Two-Face and The Mad Hatter and Bane and The Scarecrow. I'm sure he thoroughly helped them all because he was so much smarter than they were. He is, after all, a Scott Lobdell character which means he's the best at whatever he does. I don't know what that is though. Archaeology? Alien physiology? Genetics of some kind?

Crux becomes the new pilot for the Outlaws since they have been using his ship. And then they rush off to rescue Starfire from doing drugs! Too bad they don't find her first!

Now they have to rescue Starfire from her sister! But that's okay since Starfire had already rescued herself from the drugs by placing herself in Chained To A Tree In The Jungle Rehab.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #38 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic book is so much better when I punch myself in the head eighteen times before reading it! I hope Crux stays on the team. I know I flipped out earlier when I thought Crux was going to join the team way back when they first encountered him, but I think the fact that he didn't join was a missed opportunity. This team needs fresh blood in it. And Starfire needs a new person to fuck.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #36

Yay! I hope all of these fuckers overdose!

Jason Todd injected himself with a used needle containing an unknown drug last issue because he's a motherfucking idiot. Starfire has been fucked up on Space Heroin ever since she decided her friends were controlling assholes. And Roy Harper was burnt to a crisp by Starfire's backblast. The spraying fire everywhere when she flies must be a side effect of the Space Heroin. Unless it's a misinterpretation of her never ending flight hair for flames due to Scott Lobdell's poor reading and writing skills. I suppose, if I wanted to be charitable and not be a complete douchebag, I could interpret the accident in a way that makes sense. Like a side-effect of the Space Heroin. Or maybe Starfire wanting extra lift because she was angry at Roy trying to control her so she blasted the ground (and Roy!) with starbolts as she flew up into the air. But I don't like to be charitable with my interpretations of Scott Lobdell's stories. He has earned nothing from me but hatred and venom. I'm already annoyed that the first page of this comic book is probably going to be wasted with some form of "My name is Jason Todd" bullshit plastered on a boring, full page image that could easily have been done in one panel if Scott Lobdell could be bothered to actually fill twenty pages of comic book with actual story and dialogue.

This page makes me so angry!

Compare this to Batgirl which averaged over nine panels per page last issue. Batgirl is charming and a joy to read and you can tell the writers, Stewart and Fletcher, want to pack as much into each issue as they can. They're overflowing with things to say about the characters and the setting. The artist, Babs Tarr, fills every panel with gorgeous things to look at, colored wonderfully by Maris Wicks. Their enthusiasm for the story gushes messily from the pages and across the eager, expectant face of the reader. And this? This is some asshole kid writing his assignment the night before it's due. This is Scott Lobdell casually slapping the reader across the face with his flaccid penis. While Batgirl has nine panels full of dialogue per page, this first page of Lobdell's book has one panel and a mere six Narration Boxes. Thirty words and one picture for the first page. And Lobdell isn't the only one that isn't trying. Silva and Faucher have drawn an action figure without feet and with maybe five points of articulation.

Anyway, Jason Todd is fucked up on that drug I mentioned earlier. I guess he likes the way it feels as it turns him into a cat. This should be just the initial rush though because even though he was on the drug in Supergirl, he was acting quite normal and even sweet in that appearance.

By the end of the fourth page (six panels total), Jason Todd kills the venom-fueled terrorists easily because he's a better, angrier fighter. The Venom wears off and Jason Todd leaves to find Roy and Kori. The entire time, he's helpfully Narration Boxing so that I don't accidentally interpret the action or his motivations incorrectly. Wouldn't want me not knowing that Roy Harper is practically a "genius in Rockabilly trim." Really? That's his look? Rockabilly? Has anybody ever told that to the artists on this book? Because I've never seen him in cuffed jeans, huge sideburns and a pompadour.

Oh wait! Yeah, yeah. I see the Rockabilly look now.

Jason can't find Starfire and Roy because, as seen above, Starfire has brought Roy to the worst hospital with the most bureaucratic nurses in the country.

"Yeah, hon, you're gonna wanna hurry it up with these forms before yer boyfriend here dies."

Starfire sets fire to the bushes around the hospital so that the nurses will shut the fuck up about procedure and get this horribly burned and probably dying man into the hospital for some emergency care. I guess somebody else will take care of the flames before everybody in the hospital winds up like Roy?

The scene shifts back to the present with Oliver Queen in Roy's hospital room with Jason Todd. And because Jason Todd is a teenaged rebel full of angst and hormones, he tries to pick a fight with Oliver in every panel. Also, Oliver doesn't act much like an adult either because speaking rationally and calmly doesn't lead to conflict and without conflict how do you build character?!

I guess the first order of business in the emergency room was a hair transplant.

I'm not a huge fan of Green Arrow but I hope Oliver kicks Jason Todd's ass. The fucking punk needs to be humbled! But I don't see that happening in a book written by Scott Lobdell. If Jason Todd is to appear weak, it won't be by being beat down by an old man like Green Arrow! It'll be by getting addicted to drugs like a cool, young rock star!

They don't fight because Essence appears and magically heals Arsenal because I guess that's one of the things she does. But he still has to remain in bed for the rest of this story! Or at least this issue. Probably. He might show how stubborn and strong he is by dragging his ass out of bed to demand they go find and help Starfire.

Meanwhile in Poland, Starfire shoots up more Space Heroin because she's just so full of pain from her Space Past. Nobody has known pain like Starfire has known pain! Nobody can understand where she's coming from! It's not like she knows some kid who was killed by a crazed monster and then brought back to life and felt betrayed by the only adult that ever cared for him once he returned. And it's not like she knows some other guy who was known as Speedy for years and years! That's pain you don't just bounce back from.

While Oliver remains at Roy's side, Jason Todd heads off to find Crux because that character wasn't a huge idiot and probably won't want his spaceship back at all. Crux will somehow be able to find Starfire better than anybody else on Earth. Starfire is whacked out on Space Heroin and locked in the back of a truck driven by alien-drug dealers. I'm sure Crux will know immediately that that's where they'll find her! He just knows so much about her!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #36 Rating: Here's how you write a Scott Lobdell interaction between generations of super heroes. The older guy says something condescending. The younger guy snaps back angrily. The older guy points out the younger guy doesn't know anything. The younger guy does a thing that the older guy thought wouldn't work but then it does and the older guy looks stupid. Older guy respects the younger guy. Younger guy still acts like a total and complete asshole.

Futures End: Red Hood and the Outlaws #1

Five years ago, the world as we know it ceased to be. Luckily, the world as we know it from The Road Warrior came into being. Many people were prepared for this turn of events. Too bad those people were geeks and nerds without any real survival skills. Tragically, they were all rape-murdered by corporate CEOs who, it turned out, were the biggest sociopaths on the planet. Some nerds and geeks survived longer than others due to their proficiency at oral sex. But even these desperate, shameless nerds could not last for long. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea gave and gave and gave but eventually, as he knew deep down would happen, he used a little too much teeth. He was thrown into Lightning Dome, a more terrifying version of Thunder Dome, where twenty combatants entered and nineteen left. Mostly because the nineteen were working together to fightfuck the lone other. Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea lasted thirteen minutes, a good showing but not good enough to be remembered for more than the long weekend.

As it turned out, some of the most depraved and richest CEOs were the biggest fans of Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. When the updates stopped (for, you see, DC Comics continued to publish during these post-apocalyptic times although their market share was now worse than Dynamite. In their defense, Gail Simone was being forced to write all of the titles deep within Dynamite headquarters, and all of the titles featured naked lesbians as every character), the CEOs grew desperate for the only written entertainment they could stomach. A new Tess was needed. And who better to take over the job than the monster that delivered the death thrust to Tess, Goggles McDeathhurt.

And now, five years later, Goggles McDeathhurt and Xanadux Rat Wine (Mit Jellied Pinkies) Present: HOLY FUCK! Don't Put That There Chai Tea! Recently, Goggles broadcast went national via short wave radio. But the signal was being blocked in Reading City by The Long Boxes, a gang of misogynistic, bigoted comic book know-it-alls who replaced it with their own show called "Truly Fanatical!" This is their broadcast.

Oh, um, hey, um...shit. Uh, this is Weasel and not, see, um, P.T. Goddard. See, he's...well, he's fucking dead, okay? Pretty near all of us...um, uh...all of them, the Long Boxes, are dead. Fuck that shit though, you know? Being dead just to be part of something bigger. Weasal ain't a Long Boxer no more, okay? I'm just...well...I'm here to shut down the jammer and read a message and, see, um, I guess do one final episode of "Truly Fanatical"? Yeah? That's what...I mean, yes, that's why I'm here.

Okay. Okay. OKAY!

Here's the message first. From, well...uh, um...you know who it's...okay...Goggles. It's from Goggles. She has...what? Hunh? Oh, okay, okay. It's from Goggles McDeathhurt. Right? Okay then. Here's the message. Ahem.

"Reading City is now closed. Please vacate the premises. You don't have to go home but you can't stay here." Is that it? Um...uh, yeah, okay, that's it. That's the entire message. Now I'm going to finish up this last show and, uh...well hell...I need to make it quick because, um, this city is kind of fucking on fire. So, let's see...this review is for, um, oh...yeah, yeah, I fucking get it, okay?...Red Hood and the Outlaws by the, um, oh, greatest writer to ever live, according to us, um, them, uh, the Long Boxes: Mister Scott Lobdell.

The issue begins with Mister Lobdell's deft use of, see, uh, narration boxes to ensure new readers know what character they're looking at and which old readers appreciate...oh, um...so very, very much.

Ugh. Really? I mean, really? I don't get the...okay, yeah. Yeah. Just don't...yeah, OKAY! Sorry. Fuck.

Jason Todd fears he's boring whatever he's talking to...the whisky bottle? his mask? the reader?...with his stories about the past. His stories are masterpieces of brief, succinct witticisms such as...ha, um...such as "another homeless orphan dealing and stealing in order to 'live' on the streets of Crime Alley." Wow. Majestic in its details. Astoundingly, um, beautiful in its portrayal of all homeless orphans yet laser focused to, see, uh, describe Jason Todd's early years. It exudes pain and misery. The reader cannot help but, um, feel symphony for his...what? Oh. Um, okay, yeah, sorry. The reader cannot help but feel sympathy for his plight. How did this...uh, see, um, hmm...poor child arrive at such a desolate situation? Only a master of fiction can create so much tension on the first page. Marvelous.

Red Hood is trapped in an abandoned building by the...uh...Central City police. The police are written as brilliant men just serving to protect, um, the public, hmm, peace. When Red Hood blows up a building, one of the, um, cops perceptively notes, "It was a distraction!" That's some fine police work, right there. You don't normally get a, ha, um, writer that can put himself into any profession and come up with, ha ha, um, hmm, dialogue so spot on and realistic.

This is ridiculous. I don't get why...yeah. I know. I see it. Yes, yes. Please...come on...don't...okay, okay. Just back the fuck off, okay?

Every thought by Red Hood draws you deeper into the profound philosophy of this heroic villain. Sometimes, what he says might not...um, well...make any sense, you think. But if you think about it more, you'll realize that you, the reader, don't make any sense. Mister Lobdell is questioning you and your ability to comprehend, um, er, the labyrinthine thoughts of Jason Todd. One could become lost trying to find their way out, but a way out there is. Careful study of every word will show how the negation of each statement only helps to solidify the truth of the statement so negated! Oh! A master craftsman like Scott Lobdell the world will never know again!

There are those that would, see, um, say that every plot of Scott Lobdell's is derivative of the X-men's struggle to stand heroically in a world that hates them, or the flip side of that, in Magneto's struggle to dominate the world so that he alone can make it the perfect place to live. But those people lack, um, imagination and are missing the point.

Mister Lobdell has fine tuned this plot. He's ground it down to a razor thin edge that can slice through the fog of social ills and placate the readers with the fog resistant understanding of a Native American fucked up on...um, what the fuck...really? I can't...but...okay, okay...fine. OKAY!...um, a Native American fucked up on peyote and shitting himself in his sweat lodge. His writing, like his penis, so tasty...so lickable. His writing, um, like his, uh, boner, raging against the constricting waistband of society's way too tight pants, seeking a way out to splurt his psychoactive jizz ideas across our expectant tongue minds. How can a comic book reading, um, fandom that appreciates well told stories and morally ambiguous characters that, um, we can fully identify with, how can that fandom not worship at the golden testicles of Mister Scott Lobdell, greatest comic book writer to ever have lived.

Look, um, you're not going to shoot me even aft...yeah, yeah. Okay. Just let Weasal go, man. I can't finish this. Please? Just let Weasal...no...NO!

[Loud bang and a scream, followed by sobbing and moaning. Rustling noises continue for several seconds before a new voice breaks in]

Dis here been "Truly Fanatical," sees it? Dis show over.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #34

Starfire must be killing some guy that just asked her for directions because why would two guys that kill anything that moves seem shocked that she's burning someone's face off?

Who decided that the reason men don't ask for directions is because they're arrogant, stubborn assholes that can't admit when they're lost? We need to change the conversation on that one, so let me be the first to start. The reason men don't ask for directions is because they don't feel lost as soon as they walk out the front fucking door. Not knowing the exact route to a place yet knowing the general direction one is headed means that you're not lost. I'm fairly certain as soon as a woman loses her sense of the cardinal directions, she feels lost. And if she's with a man that has not become confused about the placement of himself in our world's arbitrarily named directions but doesn't have a firm grasp on the name of the fucking street they're on, she's going to believe he's hopelessly lost and his male pride and ego won't allow for him to ask directions. Look. Some people have a good sense of direction and some people don't. But if you don't, lay off the fucking people that do. Also, some people are stubborn fuckers and if you're a stubborn fucker that can't admit that you're lost all the time, stop hanging out with women that will use you as an example of all men, you dumb asshole.

Also, about this toilet seat issue. Why the fuck does it gotta stay down? I'm not the one that winds up falling in the toilet because I was too lazy to check it. You do realize guys need to sit down when they shit, right? And lots of guys leave the seat up. But guess what? They put the fucking seat down before they sit down. Jesus Christ. Up. Down. Who gives a fuck? Take care of your own life and your own responsibilities and stop trying to make other people conform to the way you think the world should be. By the way, I'm a guy and I keep the toilet seat down because have you ever seen how fucking filthy you women get the rim underneath where your piss sprays? Oh, you haven't because you keep the seat down all of the time and when you finally do look at the fucking mess your not very directional urethra has made, you blame it on us guys. We're responsible for all the piss pooled up at the back of the toilet seat! You're responsible for all that splatter in the front where your pee hole is aimed.

Mostly though, I'm sick of all of these male/female jokes we hear over and over and over again. I blame those shitty sitcoms about married couples where the couple isn't in love at all. They're just constantly competing with each other and making the other one look like a fool. Do people not know that in a healthy relationship, you aren't constantly trying to embarrass the fuck out of your partner in front of your friends?

After that rant, I was generally surprised when I began reading and read this Lobdellized first page. For a moment there, I had completely forgotten that I was about to read twenty pages of shit!

Scott Lobdell is entirely incapable of beginning a comic book any other way than introducing the main character by name, saying a few things about the character, and making me wish I were dead. I suppose I can't begin a commentary without ranting about something that has nothing to do with comic books, so I suppose we're even. Although, and I'm trying to say this as humbly as I can, at least my beginnings are entertaining.

The book (and it pains me to call this a "book") begins with Starfire beating up aliens until one of them tells her where to find another alien she plans on beating up. You see, she was a slave and she has a problem with slavers. I suppose the only people that don't have a problem with slavers are slavers themselves. So when I pointed out she was a slave, it was just to emphasize how much of a problem she actually has with them.

Roy, being the super duper fucking genius level genius electronics master of making everything deadly, touches one button on SHADE's computer and instantly finds Starfire. I don't think Lobdell knows how to write anything but extremes. Someone is either all-powerful, or the smartest person in the world, or the fuckiest sex monster on Earth, or they're the opposite of those things. What I'm trying to say is that he's the worst.

Please just begin punching each other so I don't have to read any dialogue written by Scott Lobdell.

Instead of killing him immediately, Starfire listens to him talk about how he's changed because if he's changed, maybe he deserves to not be punished for the horrible atrocities he's committed, right? Maybe he's also stalling in the hopes that his infant granddaughter has spontaneously figured out how to call the police. I'd say he was waiting for Red Hood and Speedy to drop in and stop her from doing something she'll regret, but he doesn't know that they're on their way. And even if he did know they were going to drop by, he wouldn't think that those two maniacs would convince her not to kill.

No! No more talking! Kill him already! But make sure the fight lasts until the end of this comic book. And make sure it's done without speaking! Also no Narration Boxes!

Why doesn't Scott Lobdell ever write a silent comic book like that Batman: The Dark Knight issue by Gregg Hurwitz where Batman kills Christmas?

Oh look. It's that scene where they stop her from doing something she'll regret. I would sigh right now but I'm all out of sighs. I used them all up at this party I went to last night where some women were equating a man washing dishes with foreplay.

The ex-slaver blows his own head off with one of Speedy's more dangerous arrows after Starfire has flown away pissed off at everything. So now the guy is dead and Starfire didn't even get the satisfaction of doing it herself. Plus she's angry at her fellow outlaws. Way to go, jerkos! How dare they tell Starfire who she is and whether or not she should be able to kill that asshole. How dare they project their male ideals on how a female should react in a situation like this. They have killed people for no reason at all! To dare say that Starfire killing one person with good reason is going to spoil her somehow? How fucking chauvinist. She doesn't need these assholes to take care of her!

Since Starfire didn't get to fulfill one of her life's ambitions, she heads home and gets fucked up on Space Heroin. Now is Speedy going to tell her that she can't do that to?

Red Hood and the Outlaws #34 Rating: No change. Are the Outlaws ever going to work together in this comic book or are they constantly going to be at odds? The "Next Month in the Futures End Special Blurb" says, "Five years in the future, the outlaws turn on each other." So how is that any different than the present? I'd be more surprised if they were getting along and working legitimate careers.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #33

I wonder if Ed Benes has ever seen a woman with average sized breasts?

I'm currently reading Lolita because I have some huge gaps in my first-hand knowledge of some of the more popular books by successful novelists. I've seen some film version of Lolita that I can hardly remember and I know, from that, how creepy and icky the main character Humbert Humbert was. But I don't remember the film version playing him as quite the pedo he actually is in the book. It seemed to downplay that and focus solely on a middle aged man ruining his life by falling in love with a very young girl. And having sex with her! Don't forget the bit where he's constantly manipulating and fucking her! I mean, sure, that seems like the movie is saying, "Look! This guy is a pedo!" But it also seems like the movie is saying, "Look! This guy just made a little mistake that we all could easily make, given certain circumstances and various dark moods." Although I really don't remember the film, so I probably shouldn't be speaking on it without any clarity of how it really seemed to portray him.

Anyway, I'm only twenty-nine pages in and Nabokov makes sure the reader knows unequivocally, through Humbert Humbert's own words and actions, that he is absolutely a pedophile. Here's a short moment that really allows the reader to identify with Humbert Humbert:

I remember handling an automatic belonging to a fellow student, in the days (I have spoken of them, I think, but never mind) when I toyed with the idea of enjoying his little sister, a most diaphanous nymphet with a black hair bow, and then shooting myself.

See? If you aren't already on Humbert's side at this point, Nabokov continues with the thought that led him to this remembrance:

I now wondered if Valechka [Humbert's wife who just revealed she was in love with another man because Humbert Humbert certainly hasn't been showing any interest in her unless she completely shaved her body, strapped down her bosoms, and wore a young girl's nightshirt.] (as the colonel called her) was really worth shooting, or strangling, or drowning. She had very vulnerable legs, and I decided I would limit myself to hurting her very horribly as soon as we were alone.

At this point, the reader must be thinking, "What a man of conviction! A man with a take charge, can-do attitude! No wonder Lolita falls in love with him! He's such a strong, adult male role model, something like a caretaker that was missing from her childhood or something but which she really needed."

Of course nobody is thinking that nor, do I think, anybody picks up Lolita to be surprised that the main character, who manipulates and corrupts a young girl, is going to be a likable, heroic everyman. But I have to say that if the movie is how I remember it (and I don't know that it is!), it's doing a disservice to the book by not revealing Humbert Humbert for the predator he is, and has been, for his entire life leading up to meeting Lolita. It's also quite probable that I missed the entire first half of the movie where that shit was played up and explained! Like I said, I probably shouldn't be comparing one thing that I've barely even begun to read with another thing that I barely remember.

Bah, why not though, right? America!

One last note about Nabokov's writing before I discuss Scott Lobdell's writing which is the complete antithesis to Nabokov's. I don't really enjoy writing character driven fiction. I just don't have the patience to show a character's character through their actions. I just want to put a gigantic arrow over their head that says "ASSHOLE!" or "NOBLE" or "SHEEP-FUCKER!" But I do enjoy the act of writing critiques on pretty much anything and everything. Short stories are fine too although they tend to revolve around a central philosophical idea rather than being driven by the characters. Anyway, I said I wanted to say something about Nabokov's writing, didn't I? Let me start by saying something about H.P. Lovecraft's writing! When I read Lovecraft, he makes me want to write. I tend to begin writing projects in my head spurred on by Lovecraft's prose and then realize I've read a page or two of Lovecraft without any memory of what I'd read because I was lost in my own writing projects. But Nabokov's writing makes me want to destroy all the typewriters in the world and hang myself. He's just so fucking good at the words. He make me hate mine ability to put things. Bad Nabokov! BAD!

Maybe that's why aspiring writers need a genius like Scott Lobdell! He stands tall and shouts, "Look at my works, ye less than mighty, and hope!" And with that, let us see what horrible turns of phrase and poorly written characterizations Lobdell has for us this month!

I've only just read the title and I've already choked on my own bile and shit myself a little bit.

The issue begins with a look back at Starfire's past after she freed herself from whatever aliens had enslaved her. I think all of them. You know, Daemonites, Czarnians, Thanagarians, Citadelians, Otakus, The Penile-Headed People of Vega III, the Tamaraneans, and probably all the others I can't remember at the moment. She's on a "goodwill" tour (hence the stupid name of the issue!) through the "Peace Corridor." I suppose the "Peace Corridor" is so named because it's not really peaceful at all. It's probably only peaceful because all the aliens which live within it are oppressed and forced to smile or else they're taken out back to an asteroid to be shot.

As we soon find out, even stupid faced cat guards that normally don't think about anything but guarding stuff know something isn't quite as it seems with Starfire's "Good Will Hurting" tour.

I didn't realize the cat people of Eseru Prime had opium and Groucho Marx.

The real opiate of the masses is free speech. As long as people feel like they have a voice and can post misogynist comments on YouTube videos, they feel free and in control! And as such, there is no need for rebellion or a desire to change the system. The most dangerous thing a society can do is tell people that they can't say certain things or use specific words in a game of Scrabble. That's when all hell breaks loose and the walls come crumbling down! A nice side effect of free speech being the opiate of the masses is all the infighting that occurs with the citizens of a country as they argue about which words are appropriate for general usage and which words shouldn't be said by anybody. While the populace bickers about trying to control an uncontrollable monster like language, the power hungry bastards trying to ru(i)n everything sit back and shove cigars up their asses! That's how the Reptilian Elite smoke cigars. It's a fact!

Look! An error in a Scott Lobdell comic book! *point emphatically*

Textual errors are the opiates of Scott Lobdell's writing. While everybody is distracted with the typos and homophone mistakes, nobody notices how awful everything else about Lobdell's script actually is.

Horrible feet are the opiates of Rob Liefeld's drawings. People complain so much about his inability to draw feet that they miss the bigger picture: he can't draw anything!

One thing Scott Lobdell has done this month that I approve of is his use of thought bubbles for Starfire's voice over Narration Boxes. That means her thoughts are in the moment instead of being spoken by some odd future version of her that already knows how this story ends. He has also chosen to go with the omniscient narrator for the voice in the Narration Boxes. Lobdell is just making old school choices all over the place!

I do wish that he'd stop using "so-called" to describe nearly everything though.

Anyway, Starfire is investigating some strange goings onses in the Aforementioned Catacombs beneath the Royal Palace. That's a strange name for a series of catacombs but who am I to judge what an alien race of cat people call things? Although I would have expected something like Vile String Catacombs or Ephemeral Red Laser Bug Catacombs or Shiny Shiny Shiny What Was I Doing Catacombs or Pet My Tummy Now You're Going To Die Catacombs or This Food Sucks I'm Going To Eat My Litter Now Catacombs or In Then Out Then In Then Out Then In Then Out Catacombs. Oh, that reminds me of a poem I wrote a long time ago.

The Cat
By Grunion Guy

Eat. Sleep.
Sleep. Eat.
It's in my seat.

Within the Aforementioned Catacombs are dozens of slaves! Kori has come to free them which she does. She frees them. She frees them all! Helping her are the crew of the Starfire, Depalo the Dominator and Kitt'n the Sexually Lubricated. Sorry. That sounded disgusting. I apologize for typing it and then not deleting it and then uploading it to the internet and then slipping it into the text sideways so that it waylaid you and you had to read it. My bad.

Anyway, Kori traveled up and down the Peace Corridor for years rescuing slaves on each of her "Goodwill Hurting" Tour stops. I guess interstellar communication and good old detective work hadn't been invented yet in the Peace Corridors since, for years, nobody ever noticed the pattern. Princess Kori stops by to tell everybody everything will be okay and then, later that night, all the slaves escape. I think I might have noticed that pattern after about one year or so, depending on how many stops she made each month. But then I'm as good a detective as Batman and also an Earthling, so I'm obviously smarter than any aliens. It's the ability to feel emotion and the never give up attitude of Earthlings that make us special, you know! At least that's what popular science fiction has taught me.

S.H.A.D.E. stands for that? I could see A.G.O.G.S.M.A.M.T.H.O.M.A.M. standing for that. But not S.H.A.D.E.

Kori has exited for from the Ant Farm leaving Red Hood and Roy Harper to figure out why she freaked out. I bet it has something to do with her Goodwill Hurting Tour!

Red Hood has more than one six? Is he extra-dimensional?

Within the capsule that arrived at the Ant Farm with a hologram saying, "Save us Kori. You're our only hope," are a bunch of dead alien slaves. Roy Harper starts throwing punches because Langstrom says something that upsets him (reasonable!) which forces Dr. Langstrom to turn into Man-bat so the Outlaws will fall in line. Jason Todd is surprised by this revelation because he never did his Bat-Homework. Also because I guess in The New 52 timeline, Men-bat are more associated with the League of Assassins than Kirk Langstrom.

Meanwhile Starfire finds herself in Mos Eisley looking for some information. She's not very subtle about it because she learned about extracting information from Jason Todd and Roy Harper. So instead of learning anything, she just finds herself in the middle of a battle with a whole bunch of aliens. But that battle will take place next week, same Red Hood Time, same Red Hood channel!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #33 Rating: No change. Holy Vatican Shit Stains, Popeman! I actually didn't despise a comic book by Scott Lobdell! Sure, there were some amateurish mistakes and a heavy reliance on common tropes and character reactions but you have to look at the bigger picture. It's a story that makes sense and is driven by Starfire's history and experience. And I applaud Scott Lobdell for not making me suffer through page after page of Roy Harper Narration Boxes. I think he's beginning to take my advice by bringing back thought bubbles and omniscient narrators (within limits, of course! Nobody likes those old school Narration Boxes that just describe what you can already see happening in the panel). The only thing I really despised about this comic book was the cover. What the fuck was that? It's not alluring. It doesn't draw my attention. It has no personality. It's just the three main characters engaged in action packing! That's something people engage in, right? Boring!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #32

Is this the first comic book cover to show two male characters masturbating in public?

They're not literally masturbating although the douchebag fucktwats of the world would say, "Red Hood and Speedy are literally masturbating on the cover of Red Hood #32!" No, they're metaphorically masturbating as they cock their phallic symbols. But it's not a subtle metaphor: the positioning of the weapons, the way both characters are in mid-cock, the cheesecake Starfire ready to take them both on on the hood of the car. Maybe even "masturbating" is a conclusion too far away to jump to; maybe they're just pulling out their pieces for the imminent three-way. Whatever the fuck is going on on this cover, it serves its purpose by reminding me one thing: Scott Lobdell is back!

I realize I've been reading Scott Lobdell's comic books all wrong. I've been trying to think about them. I've been expecting them to be more than they truly are. Lobdell has always written to his idea of the twelve year old boy comic book fan. Although way back when I was twelve and way back when I was a boy, Elfquest was my favorite thing in the world. Even then, I don't imagine I would have liked Lobdell's writing. I've spoken with some people who think back and believe Lobdell did a good job on X-Men years ago. I think those people are just forgetting that they were nearly twenty years younger and probably liked some really shitty comic books simply because they featured lots of costumed characters fighting lots of other costumed characters. And while those fans have matured over time, Lobdell has not. He's still writing to the same audience he assumed was reading his stuff years ago. He's trying to keep the gateway open for the twelve year old boy fans that only want to see action and side-boob! So to make sure Scott Lobdell gets a fair shake in my reviews, I now turn this commentary over to the twelve year old boy inside of me.

That wasn't meant to sound as pervy as it did.

This issue begins with Jason Todd taking a controversial ideological stand!

Me too, Red Hood! Fuck those terrorists!

Terrorists should just take whatever America tells them they should take! If they don't like our foreign policies and imperialist attitudes, why don't they fucking go to Mars? No wait! America owns Mars, you fuckers! Maybe they should go live on Ceres! No wait! America probably wants that too because it might have valuable minerals on it! Maybe they should just kill themselves and go to Hell! No wait! America wants Hell too! We could totally exploit all of that free labor. And just think of the neverending reserve of energy from the eternally burning pits of fire? Maybe the terrorists should just calm down and accept our way of life! Fucking bullies! Goddamn cowards! I can't wait to see Red Hood shoot a bunch of them in the face!

I'm on page two and still no shot of Starfire's tits or ass. Darn it!

Oh man! I commented too early on Red Hood's terrific speech! He has even more smarter things to say after the terrorists are cowards speech!

This might be the best thought out logical conclusion I've ever read!

Fucking terrorists! I can't believe someone would read a bumper sticker and then decide to kill themselves in their war against people that don't believe in their bumper sticker! Although I'm not quite sure how terrorists aren't getting their hands dirty. Isn't killing yourself to kill a bunch of innocent people that have no real power behind the idiotic decisions made by our government "committing" or "getting their hands dirty"? And by Jason's logic, he wouldn't mind them so much if they dressed up in a garish costume before doing it? Also, isn't what The Joker and The Penguin and all the others do "terrorism"? Don't they rule Gotham by making other people afraid? Isn't that also what The Batman does?! Except his targets are more focused than other terrorists.

I don't know! What do I know? Red Hood knows what he's doing because he's a hero! I'm just a stupid idiot kid trying to read the most awesomest comic book in the world! I also tend to say things that a twelve year old boy might not actually say but staying in character is hard in the face of the shittiest writing in the world!

It also has the shittiest art team apparently since this is how Jason Todd begins his attack on the terrorist ship he's infiltrated.

Panel before title page.

Title page. I guess he was using some kind of camouflage tech developed by Speedy.

Anyway, I'm sure all the inconsistencies will be explained away later. I'm just hoping for a little Starfire side-boob soon! But I'll have to wait because first Speedy arrives on the front of the plane to murder the pilots! Way to go, Speedy! The only way to stay sober is to find something to occupy your time! Murder is so much better than heroin!

Now that's a great opening line! And well worth taking the time to say while hoping the pilots don't tilt the plane or something crazy.

Red Hood totally throws some guy out of a window and begins shooting other guys in their faces. It must be the best job in the world getting to kill people without feeling the guilt and remorse of killing people because you've turned them into this completely evil other who are only out to destroy and terrify! Fuck man! I can't wait to join the marines! Get my hands on some weapons and legally kill me some terrorists! Or any brown person in some other country far away that I can assume is a terrorist!

The hologram might be showing signs of nationalism but I don't think it's currently being racist.

Starfire finally appears on the eighth page although her boobs are drawn like male pecs so I'm not scanning that! Gross! Then she says "squee" in a totally retarded way and Speedy points out that the internet is dumb. That's probably because Speedy doesn't like to hear people criticize him when he's totally acting like a person that needs to be criticized. It's much easier going on believing you're an awesome archer that arches the shit out of everything his pencil touches rather than hear that you're actually not a very good archer at all and you should probably stop writing already and retire.

There is a better way to prove to the internet that it's not wrong about your abilities other than telling the internet that it's wrong in its conclusions! What is that better way? Do a better job!

This is Scott not doing a better job at all. Does he not own a dictionary? There are a number of them on the internet! Oh, but that doesn't mean they're right though.

And just because I'm, for some reason, in the mood to point out errors in Lobdell's writing, here's another one.

I actually don't care that much about typos and sentences that were obviously reworked and wound up retaining some of the old sentence so that it reads like the one in the panel above. Look, we all do it. If you edit or have decent editors, they're caught and fixed and no harm done. No big deal. I probably have a number of typos in this commentary alone which won't be fixed until I reread it next month. The real issue I have is that Lobdell's turns of phrase, his story elements, his plots, and his characterizations are all half-assed month after month. This is a guy that doesn't give a shit about the scripts he turns in. This is a man that has no respect for the characters and thus no respect for the fans of those characters. And I'm sure twelve year old boy me would have said the exact same thing. Although I did seem to read and enjoy a lot of Marv Wolfman when I was that age, so maybe I would have been a fan of Lobdell as well. But times change. I will no longer defend Wolfman's current material just because I liked it when I was younger and I think Lobdell deserves the same treatment from those who might have enjoyed his stuff when they were younger. Let's just be honest. Lobdell's writing is terrible. We, the internet, can all agree on that, right? And for once, the internet is spot on about something.

The next few pages are full of hero worship as Roy and Jason stare out the window of a crashing plane and watch Starfire dismantle a nuclear bomb. While they watch, a "slap" sound effect is added for some reason. I don't think I want to know the reason. What could possibly be sla...no! No! I don't need to know what's going on.

I think at this point I have to admit that I couldn't do the pretend thing where I was enjoying Lobdell's writing. So it's back to criticizing every single little miniscule tiny teeny thing he does!

Speaking of criticizing Lobdell, I began watching the first season of Young Justice recently. I forget the lines and moments that led me to this theory, but I felt very quickly that Scott Lobdell stole most of the what he was doing for The New 52 from watching Young Justice. I made that declaration somewhere (I have too many rants and raves to remember where) a few days ago. And then I just recently watched the episode where Superboy finds his older brother in Cadmus. You know? The one that burns the Superman logo onto his chest backwards while looking into a mirror? Kind of the way H'el did? Anyway, back to Red Hood!

After America is saved, some villain in a swamp tries to be threatening while being a bumbling moron. He never gives his name so forget about him. Hopefully he'll never show up again. Meanwhile, The Outlaws are ambushed by an encephalo-magnetic pulse. I hate those things! They're knocked out and taken prisoner guest. Too bad they weren't killed.

Why is Roy wearing Hammer Pants?

Well if Man-Bat has to be anywhere, I'm glad he's in Red Hood and the Outlaws. That gives me one more reason to hate it!

SHADE has picked up a space ship that was sending this message: "Princess Koriand'r of Tamaran. You are our final hope." So Starfire enters the ship and then flies screaming back out of it. Now all of the readers are on the edges of their seats wondering what Scott Lobdell decided must have been inside the ship during the time he had to write the next script.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #32 Rating: -2 Ranking. It's so nice to have Scott Lobdell back on this book. I don't mind if he ruins this one. But having him at the helm of Superman? That was simply blasphemy on DC's part. I would probably have more to say about it but my laptop's fan just conked out and now my laptop keeps trying to overheat. So I should probably deal with that before I completely crash my hard drive!

Red Hood and the Outlaws #31

Lobo's arm is three times thicker than Starfire's waist. And Red Hood's head is about to be flatter than her ass.

Last issue ended with the return of Lobo from the Magenta Timeline. He's recently purchased a gun that can tattoo planets and he has it in mind to tattoo the fuck out of the Earth. But first he might be forced to engage in a civil discourse with Twat Lobo about which one of them is the real Lobo. In comic books, "real" doesn't have any significance. But I assure you, this Lobo is the real Lobo! If you don't agree with me, you're wrong. It doesn't matter that you're wrong since this is a comic book and, as I just said, reality doesn't hold its form very well in the pages of comic books. But you can still be wrong in the manner of having no taste because you enjoy stupid Twat characters with poorly designed looks that say "sorry not sorry" all the time.

I think "stupid Twat characters with poorly designed looks that say 'sorry not sorry' all the time" describes three-fourths of the users on Twitter.

Why should he be scared? There's not white dwarf close enough to our solar system to fuck us if it were turned into a black hole. Perhaps he just meant the radiation from the explosion when he blows the star into fuck all. But then he really wouldn't have to mention the black hole! I don't think Lobo knows how to threaten people correctly.

This is Lobo acting cocky and telling Roy all of his plans because Lobo doesn't remember what his actual role is in comic books anymore: that of a punching bag. When a character comes along and turns out to be the biggest bad-ass in the universe, his only real career choice is to be used to prove how bad-ass the good guys are when they kick his ass. I have a feeling that's going to happen here in a few pages. Speedy is about to take down Lobo! Remember that thing I said earlier about "reality" having no place in comic books?

Speedy brings up the same point I brought up about the black hole being too far from Earth and Lobo says, "Let me finish." Fuck me! I don't want to think like Roy Harper! But then Lobo continues with his plan and it's practically the whole radiation from the explosion deal but more focused and directed through Lobo's own will. It sounds pretty fucking convoluted when he has a gun that will do the same thing to the Earth if he'd just point it at the Earth. Enough with your cosmic death ray trick shots, Lobo! This is why you get defeated! Keep it simple, bastich!

Starfire and Jason Todd arrive in time to save Roy Harper from dying immediately. But they're still going to have to save him from dying slowly since parking a space ship on Lobo isn't the end of the fight.

Why couldn't Lobo have done this to Roy?

I have a feeling a good portion of the rest of his comic book is going to be a big brawl. I'll be back to comment if it gets interesting for some reason. In the meantime, listen to some waiting room music.

Um. You'll have to take care of the music part on your end. Sorry.

Okay I'm back! You should have sat around listening to music for about five minutes if you want to recreate the experience correctly. So the battle ends with Jason Todd and Kori defeated. The only person left to save the day is Speedy! Remember that thing I said earlier about Speedy taking down Lobo? That's probably happening soon, no matter how ludicrous it might seem. Anyway, how does he save everybody?

Nanotech is another word for magic.

Roy saves the day by using his brains to reprogram Lobo's weapons and turn the weapons around on Lobo. The how or why of it doesn't really matter since we all understand technobabble and Nanogods out of machines, right? The real point wasn't how Roy excitingly defeats Lobo (because it wasn't exciting at all). The real point was about that thing you might remember I said earlier. You know, about the punching bag?

Yes, Roy defeated Lobo. He's magnificent. Is there a word that sounds like "hooray" but actually means "yawn"? That's the word I want to use here.

Meanwhile, Lobo and his henchmen were teleported somewhere across the galaxy. Lobo checks out Roy's Roybot and discovers how he pulled off his little trick by doing the same thing to his coworkers. And just like that, Lobo has a weapon to sell thanks to Speedy! That's theft of intellectual property, you jerk!

Which is basically what Twat Lobo says when he finally catches a sign of Lobo. Dammit! First I'm thinking like fucking Roy Harper, and now I'm thinking like that idiot Twat Lobo! I hate myself! Although the last page of the comic book does allow me to say this phrase one more time: remember that thing I said about Lobo and Twat Lobo engaging in civil discourse?

Sorry not sorry.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #31 Rating: No change. This was basically a typical Lobo appearance. The best part was how Lobo just kind of took it all in stride since he still wound up with a piece of technology that he could sell. The worst part was how Roy Harper survived an encounter with Lobo.